Chapter Text
Darkness has always been Ava's friend.
Back at the orphanage she used to whisper into it and hope someone would answer. All paralyzed, splayed on her back with her arms stretched out at her sides.
It would whisper back, with the brush of cold wind against her cheek. Ava would cry. It would accept.
Because darkness allows.
Darkness doesn't give a fuck if you're a monster or an angel - or whatever the hell else you could be. It embraces every part that's there, every part you want to hide.
Ava likes that. She likes how it doesn't judge.
She trashes.
Darkness devours.
Hands cut through the water in a flurry of motion as she tries to go up, up, up. Her skin is prickling against the cold, turning her body numb. She's probably going to die. It's a thought that flashes through her mind before her mouth opens involuntarily and she swallows water. It takes all her breath with it.
She's going to die and it's all because she wanted to prove something.
"Impulsive." JC's voice laughs. "You're always so impulsive, Ava. I never know where I have you."
"Reckless." Zori spits. "Always getting herself in trouble. Every damn time!"
"Irresponsible."
"Stupid."
Weak.
Ava can't tell if she's facing up or down anymore. Her eyes close.
"Child." It's the darkness again, whispering. "You're just a child, what do you have to prove?"
Everything. Ava wants to scream back. Instead she swallows more water.
She's back at the orphanage and Francis hovers over her, tutting. "Poor little lamb."
Ava is coughing water beneath her. She can't get any air and there's no one there to save her.
Helpless.
"I knew you wouldn't make it. How could a cripple girl like you survive out in the real world?"
Ava can't respond. Can't move. Can't see. The darkness devours. When was there ever anything else to it?
—
5 hours and 24 minutes earlier:
Ava hates freezing.
It's one of those sensations she didn't mind being without when she was paralyzed.
It makes her fingers sting and she forcibly needs to move in order to warm up. When that doesn't work, when she can't shake it out or clench her hands into fists enough times to get the blood flowing, her body goes numb.
It makes her lose the control she so desperately tried to regain for years now.
So even she can't explain why she's stepping into a small log cabin, stomping off the snow from her boots and tugging down the red scarf that covered the lower half of her face only to walk up to the nearest shelf to look at maps.
Well, that's a lie. She knows why she's here and she's ready to blame JC for all of it. Okay, that's another lie. That wouldn't be fair to JC. He's been good to her actually. The group was something she needed right as she got out of the orphanage. They made existing utterly euphoric. Or maybe that was just her. Maybe it just felt that way because it was the first time she could walk properly (as proper as it will ever get) and make her own damn decisions.
So what if that decision was flinging herself into a group of petty criminal's that frankly only cared about themselves and their next high?
So what if she lost herself in it so bad that the only thing she could see infront of her was glaring lights and the smell of alcohol?
So what if she took up on the challenge to hike the Halo Trail and reach the end only because they laughed when she suggested it?
So what.
Ava leans forward on her cane and squints at the map further down the shelf. She draws it up just enough to see the title "HALO TRAIL, HIKING IN NORTHERN WINTER, 1:50 000" In bold letters.
She grabs it, walking over to the register and tosses it on the counter.
The man, dark hair and moustache, takes one look at the map then one at her before raising an eyebrow. Ava throws him her toothiest smile, leaning on her bad side only to draw the attention away from the cane in hopes he won't comment on it. "I've heard there's brown bears I should watch out for."
His lip twitches up like he wants to laugh but has to hold himself back because - good customer service, or whatever. Ava doesn't really get it. He takes the map instead, shaking his head. "You're more likely to see a dozen mooses than one single bear on this trail." He looks up at her then, after he has cashed it in and Ava hands him some money. "Going alone?"
"Yes." It's quick, an automatic response that leaves out the; it's the only way. And, I'm not sure if anyone would follow me, and she winces at the thought.
He nods, as if understanding. Ava is not sure if she wants him to. "There's a storm incoming in a couple days, from the mountain on western side. Make sure you're safe."
"I will." And, "I'm not going that direction anyway."
She's about to leave. To get going before he asks more, because frankly, he looked like he was seconds away from telling her she couldn't do this and she's not sure how she would react to that. Maybe, the worst part of her thinks, bitter to the mouth that makes her strain her lips, that she would believe him.
"Here." It's not a question. He's holding out a card. By the looks of it, their business card.
"Oh, I'm not-"
"We give it to every hiker. There's a number on it, for emergencies."
"Oh." Ava says dumbly. Her grip around the cane shifts as she reaches out and takes it. The stupid part of her brain thinks he's lying. They don't give this card to everyone. Just to those who look a little too lost… she shoves the thought down, thanks him, puts it in the pocket that's right over her chest.
She wouldn't be needing it.
—
3 hours and 43 minutes:
Child her - one that played in the mud and giggled when her face got dirty and her mom tried to wipe it away - would have loved this. She would have loved the potential of layers upon layers of snow that could be formed and constructed into random shapes and figures. Maybe she could make that cute little creature from that kids movie with… ears. Okay, she actually didn't remember much of it. Just that it was very blue and big and fluffy.
Whatever.
She would fall down in the snow like a starfish, arms and legs spread out wide and head pressed into the cold surface as she tried to form the shape of angels.
Except, child her had never seen snow before. Not more than on some random hallmark movie that came on around Christmas at the orphanage or on some lonely documentary show about the arctic.
When she scoops it up she huffs to herself by the lack of form. That it sifts through her fingers instead of bending to her will. Not moulding together to one of those perfect snowballs they always got in movies. They made it look so easy.
It's far lighter. Her surroundings didn't feel like it was out of a play. No laughter of children who were running around and ramming snowballs at each other as hard as they could or friends (who were definitely more than friends) finally letting loose and maybe, somehow, ending up on top of each other from falling.
Instead it's quiet. Rattling, to the bone. Prickling against her skin like the absence of sound had grown static. Not the kind she experienced at the orphanage, where the only thing she could do was stare up at the wall for hours on end and wait for something to happen. It's calmer. As if it were holding on to a secret.
One that Ava is determined to figure out. Diego would have wanted her to. Considered it pivotal.
She stops in her tracks. Looks up.
There's a moose.
When the guy had mentioned it she'd mostly thought he was joking.
Now they're in a standoff. At least that's how Ava is seeing it. The snow leaves untouched between them, sparkling in the reflection of the sunlight, kind of like tiny stars. Most of all, it's quiet. Ava can't quite grasp how a space that's so vast can be so infinitely calm just by the touch of snow.
Like a blanket. It lays heavy on the trees and covers everything in its reach. The moose shakes its head, large antlers shifting with it and Ava can't move. Can't look away.
They were so much bigger in real life than any movie or show had made it out to be.
Brown eyes. Dark and foreboding and for a moment Ava thinks it will attack. Instead it simply takes one last look at her before huffing out air through its nose, escaping back into the forest it came out from.
Her shoulders slump and she exhales, not even aware she'd been holding her breath. "Well, shit." Mooses were fucking scary.
—
1 hour and 12 minutes:
In the end, she thinks it was inevitable.
She didn't just decide to do this because she was drunk that day, sitting at a bar in Venice and wanting to be anywhere else because it was far too hot to be comfortable and her body was aching from walking around all day.
She didn't just do it because they didn't believe in her.
Honestly, the bartender reminded her of Diego. They hit it off once Ava referenced a tv show from the nineties and he shot another reference right back at her.
He theorised with her, having as much knowledge - if not even more, than she had of the source material.
"So, where to?" He'd asked, wiping off a glass.
Ava glanced back at the group who were by the table taking shots, not paying much attention to their conversation. She shrugged. "Whatever fate decides, I guess. We usually gamble our next destination."
"No place you want to visit then? Somewhere you've always wanted to go?"
Everywhere. Ava almost answers. She's wanted to go everywhere, see everything. Mostly because she never thought she'd get the chance.
She remembers those magazines Diego used to steal from one of the nuns at the orphanage. His accent showed through as he read a passage out loud. "The most illuminating experience at the Halo sky station. Ninehundred metres above sea level, you are caught between the meeting of earth and space as you watch… the Northern Lights." Ava remembers how Diego wrinkled his nose, sitting on the bed beside her with the magazine partially outstretched so Ava could read too. "You know what that reminds me of…"
"Martian?"
Diego shakes his head seriously. "Star trek next generation. You know the transporter when they go down to different planets. What if this is how they see it from the ground?"
Ava laughs. "Totally, that would be fucking awesome."
"Right! Imagine seeing that in real life.”
Ava remembers how saddened she got by it. That the possibility had already been taken away from her before she could decide for herself.
That's why she mumbled, more so to herself. "I've never been to Finland before." And the bartender had picked up on it, leaning in, as if it was only something that needed to be shared between them.
"Then go there."
It didn't matter much that no one wanted to follow. But maybe they were right about the cold...
Ava drags her jacket closer to herself, one leg bouncing a rythm into the snow as she takes a bite of a cold hot dog.
Admittedly, her preparation for this trip hadn't been the best. Especially when it came to food. Cooking over a portable stove shouldn't be so damn difficult. Or maybe the problem was that she got it for very cheap from a guy who were more interested in ogling her tits than actually selling her something. She'd figure it out... just not right now.
If she'd actually had any phone service she'd text Chanel and maybe they could joke about it. She's the only one that actually made sure to keep in contact since Ava decided to break away from the group.
Ava sighs, kicks the snow. The winds protest by dragging at her clothes, sending her shivering. "Okay." Ava whispers. To no one in particular. To the wind. "Okay, I'm going. You can quit it now."
It had never been one too listen.
—
16 minutes:
Ava thinks that the universe is maybe conspiring against her. Or at least laughing because this is just ridiculous.
She swore she followed the map correctly. The problem was that the snow had started to come down thick and heavy and she could no longer see the red marks that spotted the trail. Even as she stretched an arm forward and held out her cane, the yellow tip was blurred against the snowfall.
Surprisingly, it wasn't very windy. Just more snow than she'd expected and that combined with the darkness made it hard to see anything at all. Even when she used her flashlight.
Trying to walk further right now would probably not do her any good. She's not an idiot. So she stops, hoping for the life of her that the spot is good enough to set camp. They had at least told her in the store that the tent would stand against rough weather. Although, putting it up was probably another matter.
"Okay." Ava heaves the bag off her shoulders and massages the sore skin there. She will be aching tomorrow and probably the morning after that.
It's fine though.
It will be worth it.
She just needed to get some sort of shelter and wait out the dark. She could continue her trek in the morning.
And she's nothing but stubborn. Her gloves are thick and as she drags out the orange sheet and tries to loop the tent poles into the small holes she keeps loosing her grip. It doesn't work well with the wind fighting against her and she has to lay her cane to the side momentarily to be able to keep it in place. She rips the gloves off with her teeth, grabbing at the lines and hoping to whatever is looking down at her right now (because they are surely looking down) will spare her a moment so the sheet could co-operate with her.
"Fuck!" Ava kicks it and it immediately flies back onto her. She's sure it's mocking her. Should have known how to put up a damn tent before getting stuck in the cold miles away from the nearest town.
If she could at least get one pole through. Her fingers curl around it, gripping. She shakes them in a attempt to get back the warmth and movement in them, struggling against the fabric.
When she's finally gotten one through she reaches for another, eyes snapping up when she sees a light moving in the distance. It's blinking. Maybe she's seeing things, maybe she's going slightly crazy from this weather, maybe- it's growing closer.
Ava takes a hurried step forward and waves. "Hey-!" The ground under her gives in with a terrible crack.
It swallows her scream, her body, her clothes. There's a split second before she understands what's happening. That she's supposed to move or else she won't come out alive.
It's a split second too late.
The panic seize in her chest and the cold seeps through her clothes and settles there against her skin.
It's dark. Too dark.
And when she can no longer tell what's up or what's down she thinks - she should have called that damn phone number.
Because death doesn't dream. It waits at the bottom in the mud - not caring for the body it devours.
Maybe this is how it will be.
Diego would be disappointed in her.
The water ripples. Breaks away for something reaching, as if forced. As if it couldn't help itself.
Something- someone, snakes an arm around her waist and drags her up. Forceful pressure on her lungs and her body and it feels like the water is pulling back, trying to keep her there.
She comes out of the lake with a rattling gasp. Coughing and heaving into the snow with her arms sagging and body not seeming to work properly. This will not do good for her back.
Shit. Her cane-
Ava turns around to look down in the water. Into the darkness that's surrounded by ruptured ice. Fuck. Where is it!?
An arm pulls her back. She fumbles, tries to find anything to grip on to and ends up clutching the collar of a jacket. Wait- the collar of a jacket-
Far too sudden, she's being forced onto her back with the cold ground beneath her. Hands holding her down by the shoulders. She groans, blinks, looks up at who the fuck just saved her life but is also kind of manhandling her to the ground. Brown intense eyes, lips set into a frown and oh, she's pretty.
"What on earth were you thinking?" The woman demands, voice sharp, rattling.
Ava adverts her eyes. "I saw a light." She snorts, not helping herself. "That's fucking ironic isn't it? I saw a light and I almost died-"
"Don't. We need to move to more stable ground. This isn't safe." The woman snaps, standing up and completely disregarding what Ava just said. The sweater she's wearing is clinging to her body, heavy and dripping with water, her hair messy and swept forward, slowly freezing. Fuck- she went into save her.
Ava takes a sharp intake of breath, the whole situation hitting her. She's out in the middle of nowhere in the snow and she nearly drowned.
"Can you walk?"
Ava looks up and is met with hard eyes, scanning over her body, as if looking for any sign of a negative.
"I need my cane." Ava says. Because she does need it and she's not about to feel ashamed about it. She'd worked too fucking hard for that.
Her brows pinch together in thought and then she stretches out a hand. "We'll look for it later. Right now we need to get you out of those clothes."
Ava bites backs several dirty remarks and takes her hand, thankful. Her grip is strong, firm, and skin softer than Ava expected. She's shivering and when she stands up she sways slightly, a hand automatically shooting out to steady herself. Except she grips the woman's shoulder and she tenses and oh, she definitely has muscles because God damn-
The woman shifts to let her lean on her, keeping a steady hand behind her back. "My sled is not far from here."
When they come up to the place she'd laid her things Ava can't help but be a little embarrassed by how messy it looks. Scattered over the ground and ever so slowly being covered by snow. The woman leans down and picks up a black jacket she'd likely taken off before jumping in after her. Large and thick with a rim made of fur. Instead of putting it on like she'd expected her to, she puts it around Ava's shoulders.
"You also went in the water." Ava protests weakly, her body sinking into the warmth despite it.
“You were in there longer than me. Besides, you're shaking.” She finishes it by bringing the jacket tighter around her and right now Ava can't complain. She doesn't have the energy for it.
She hears it before she sees it. There's dogs barking, strapped into a harness by the sled as they wait dutifully for their owner.
The woman's hand tightens around her waist when Ava tries to move forward to pet them.
Rude. The touch makes the skin buzz at the partucalur spot. Like the kind of pricking you got when you're foot has fallen asleep and you needed to shake it awake.
"What's your name?"
Ava blinks up at her. "What?"
"Tell me your name."
"Uh, Ava. It's Ava."
The woman nods. "Ava, I need you to not fall asleep on me. I will make sure we can take cover."
Ava shivers from hearing her name rolled off her lips in such a serious tone. She had that kind of accent that was dripping.
She goes to work right away, guiding Ava to the sled and letting her sit down on a leather fabric that originally provided cover for material.
They are by the outskirts of a forest, partially, tactically Ava thinks, protected by the wind. "Can I get your name?"
Her eyes flicked back to her momentarily. "Beatrice."
"Beatrice." Ava hums, teeth rattling. She drags the jacket closer to her body, curling in on herself. She needed to stretch later. Jillian would be mad at her. She needed to do a lot of things… like figuring out where Beatrice came from and asking whether she's her guardian angel.
That would be nice.
Although Francis said she never deserved one.
Hm.
She was right about one thing though. Ava's mouth pulls up in a grimace. Right now she must look pathetic-
"Ava." A hand touches her shoulder and Ava jolts, realising that she's closed her eyes.
Beatrice's expression twitched into a frown. "It's done."
It takes a while for Ava to process what she means by that. She follows Beatrice anyway, finding that she's managed to build a makeshift tarp between two trees. Beatrice drops her bag and her cane in front of her. Oh, she must have gone down to get it- “I assume you have a change of clothes.”
Nothing more is said. Ava is left alone as Beatrice, she assumes, goes to fetch her own bag. Or maybe she's leaving to not come back again. She's done her good deed anyway. There was nothing more too it.
Ava almost convinces herself of it when it grows quiet again. When it's just the wind and the snow and her.
So she moves to take off her clothes. Already freezing from the water. It's difficult and her body feels numb and she's kind of angry at herself for getting herself into this situation. She hated not being able to move freely. She hated how she felt resistance as she bent her fingers.
And maybe it's because she's been fighting against it all her life, or maybe because it scares her, but she forces her way through it with hard movements and pulls one piece of clothing after another, not caring for the immediate cold wind hitting directly at her exposed skin.
The tarp shifts - Ava looks up right as Beatrice does too and they make eye contact. Beatrice freezes, her gaze trails down to her exposed chest before she catches herself and swiftly turns around to leave. "I apologise."
Ava can't help but snort. Of all the things she thought to do today - making a hot woman flustered was not it. "Don't worry about it. It's not like we haven't broken the ice already."
Beatrice huffs out a breath, her eyes still strictly pointed at the ground. "That was… really bad."
It's quiet for a while, as Ava puts on a thick wool sweater she got- okay, more stole from Chanel before she travelled here. Chanel wouldn't need it anyway… probably. She realises that she's still shivering to the bone. Like it has seeped into her body and settled there. "Thank you, for saving me I mean…" you risked your life for me. Ava bites back the words, shaking her head. "What are you doing out here anyway?"
"I'm delivering a package to a friend."
Okay, vague.
"And you're doing that with sled dogs?"
"Out here it's not many other ways of transportation, especially during this time of year. It's also my job." Her fingers flex in her lap, curls in on themselves as if she wants to grab onto something. Ava quirks an eyebrow, not helping the slow grin that forms on her lips.
"You know you can look at me now, right? I'm not sitting here naked."
Her back straightens and she looks up and Ava swears they sweep over her an extra time before her jaw sets tight, like she's come to a decision. “I would suggest you come with me. A storm is approaching in a couple days and you won't make it on foot.”
“This isn't the storm?” Ava asks, wanting to slip into yet another joke.
Beatrice stays serious. “It's not... why are you out here anyway? You don't cross me as particularly experienced.”
Right. Ava bites the inside of her cheek, looking down. She doesn't know whether to laugh or be offended by the proclamation. After all, she had a point. “I need to get to the Halo station. I promised a friend I would do so.”
She can see that Beatrice wants to ask. Instead she nods, posture still straight and expression unreadable. “It doesn't make a difference to me if you decide to continue on foot or not. But if this is as important as it seems, refusing my offer would be rather foolish.”
“You don't think I'll make it?” Ava hiss, more venom in her tone than she intended.
Beatrice just gives her a look. One that tells her more than if she would have said anything at all. Ava bites back another remark, digging her nails into the skin of her palm. They were right. If she accepts her offer JC, Francis- she would prove everyone that doubted her that they were right. “Thank you for rescuing me and all but I don't need someone taking care of me. I'll make sure to be gone by the morning.” She doesn't look at her. Doesn't wait for a response. She's too tired, too done for the day to continue having this discussion. Especially with a stranger.
She'll be doing this alone. Even if it means losing herself in a storm in the process.