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The thing with interrogating your gender, with questioning the societal notion that whatever a doctor scrawled down on a piece of paper at your birth is the gender you are obligated to perform for the rest of your life, is that it quite quickly blurs all the lines and distinctions you’ve ever known.
It’s a lot to figure out.
Especially when you have no idea know where to start.
But as Vander had told Vi whenever he felt overwhelmed growing up: sometimes you just gotta try and see where you end up. And maybe you’ll fuck it up on the first, second, third try, but hey, you’ll at least learn something along the way.
It’s a mantra that Vi has tried to live his life by, to not be so afraid of messing up that he never allows himself to try.
Which means at this point he’s kinda open to trying most things and same goes for his gender. Cause for a while now he’s been trying to figure out what makes him feel masc, what gives him those warm gender feelings when he feels like he’s working in harmony with himself rather than at odds with it.
First thing that came to mind was fighting. It’s something he’s always been good at, was nationally ranked for a while. Was the only thing that could help alleviate the anger he carried so much as a kid and as a young adult, helped drain the irritation and frustration at a world that was decidedly unfair. A world that knew it was unfair, because it’s discrimination and hierarchies were by design and not by chance.
A world that gave Vi a lot to be angry about.
These days he fights less. Competitive sport ain’t really an option and fighting in the streets sure as hell shouldn’t’ve ever been. He’s also got a better handle on his anger now, can fight with words rather than always relying on his fists, knows when to just walk away ‘cause the battle ain’t worth his time. Might also have something to do with the fact that now he’s in his thirties, his body sometimes just hurts without reason. His knuckles and elbows might as well be barometers at this point, what with the way they ache every time the pressure changes.
Doesn’t mean he’s given it up entirely though. Now he spends his spare time teaching folks how to stand up for themselves and others. Leads self defence courses down at the town hall. He’s particularly proud of the fact that his classes bring in folks from all walks of life, that he creates a space where all feel welcome and leave empowered.
Yeah. That feeling definitely makes him feel masc. Protecting others and teaching them to protect themselves. That’s good shit.
It ain’t the only thing Vander’s handed down to him about how to be a good guy either. There’s also the way Vander’s always cared for people, from the kids he took in and nurtured, to folks in the community.
If anyone ever has a problem, its Vander they go to. And these days its also Vi. He’s trying to take some of the weight from the shoulders of his old man, not that Vander’s pride ever really lets him.
Taking care of people. It’s something Vi’s always liked doing. Something that gives him a sense of self. Makes him feel ~gender~.
He leaves his phone on vibrate overnight, always ready so that Jinx can call him if she’s ever in trouble and needs his help. It’s been that way ever since they were kids, him always looking out for his little sister, knowing that she struggled to navigate a world that just wasn’t built for her. As she got older, she developed more of a support system, more friends she could rely on and call on. But Vi’s always been her rock, been her ride and die. He wouldn’t want it any other way if he’s honest.
It’s some ungodly time in the morning when he gets the call. Jinx is at some party that’s just been crashed by a tonne of people and now she’s feeling overwhelmed and scared. She doesn’t even need to say it, he can tell by the elevated breathing coming down the line, the shakiness of her voice. Before she can even ask, he’s offering to come get her. Keeps her on the line as he eases out of bed, phone pressed between his cheek and shoulder, murmuring reassurance as he throws on some old sweats and grabs his jacket.
When he gets to the car he sets his phone into a clip in the dash, lets Jinx know his ETA and that he can stay on the line even while driving. As he navigates the empty streets he can hear her breathing easing, and finds his heart rate easing too. Loosens his grip on the steering wheel and takes a deep breath. The entire way out to the house he keeps her chatting, not hanging up until he’s outside and he sees her coming out the front door.
He gets out to greet her, relief blooming as she picks up her speed and slams into him for a hug. She’s freezing cold and only has on a sleeveless crop top, so he immediately gives her his jacket and herds her to the car. Puts on the seat warmer to try and help her to heat back up.
They drive home in silence, it’s not awkward at all, he’s just happy to give her some space to decompress, content to just have her here with him. They both watch as the world begins to wake, as the yellow glow behind the hills brightens in a promise of a new day. As the streetlamps begin to tick off along the avenue, Vi glances across and catches Jinx’s gaze. She gives him a soft smile and it’s like no time has passed since they were kids and Jinx had snuck out to a party without Vander knowing, and then called Vi to come get her. And Vi had “borrowed” Vander’s truck, driven halfway across the city on a learner’s license, abusing the gearbox and clipping curbs until he was reunited with his sister.
Its light as they pull into the drive, Vi having taking Jinx back to his while she’s still on edge. After all, it’s basically her second home, Vi making it abundantly clear to Caitlyn that him and his sister were a package deal when Caitlyn asked if they could find a place together. One of the spare bedrooms is all but Jinx’s, her clothes fill the dresser, her books adorning the shelves, her half-finished engineering projects littering any other available space.
It wouldn’t feel like home to Vi without it.
Once inside they tiptoe their way up the stairs, whispering goodnight to each other on the landing as Vi wraps Jinx into a big hug. She melts into it, gives a very relieved sigh.
He waits until the spare room door closes before heading for his own, leaving the light off as he silently takes off his jogging bottoms and makes his way to the bed. Caitlyn’s deep asleep, hair splayed across her pillow, brows dipped adorably in some sort of concentration and lips pushed into a soft pout. His heart swells at the sight. They’ve been together for years, close to a decade if he’s counting right. He figured that by this point all those butterflies and feelings in his chest would have mellowed with time. But everyday he’s reminded that they haven’t, that he’s still head over heels for the amazing woman before him.
He tries to gently pull the duvet back, but Caitlyn stirs regardless, shivering slightly from the cold and blinking her eyes open. It takes a moment for them to focus, by the time Vi’s settled on his back and turning his head to look at her, two bleary blue eyes are meeting his gaze.
“Sorry,” he whispers, smiling despite himself.
She smiles and draws closer, wrapping herself around him so that her knee rests on his thigh and her arm splays across his ribs under his chest. A sleepy kiss is pressed to his neck, her lips warm and soft. He nuzzles against her temple, sets a kiss to her forehead.
“Is Jinx ok?” Caitlyn mumbles.
“Yeah, just got scared. She’s in the spare room now. I said she could stay and I’ll take her back tomorrow”.
A sleepy hum meets his comment, and he watches as Caitlyn’s eyelids grow heavy, as her breath starts to draw out.
“Good,” she mumbles, nuzzling against his shoulder.
With a smile, Vi sets a kiss against her crown before reaching to the bedside table to silence his phone. Closing his eyes, he basks in the reassuring weight of Caitlyn at his side and the knowledge that his little sister is safe and sound in the next room.
He’ll protect them both with everything he has. Be their knight in shining armour or just a goofy guy to make them smile. Whatever they need he’ll do his best to provide.