Ghost milk

by BookOfXentric

Summary:

I blame rum...

Don't take any of this seriously... this means nothing. It's just incorrect quotes.

Chapter 1

Danzo: Hurry up, Sarutobi. We need to go.
Hiruzen: I’m coming, I just need to leave some instructions for my students.
[Turns to the young Sannin]
Hiruzen, to Jiraiya: Do not add to the population.
Hiruzen, to Orochimaru: Do not subtract from the population.
Hiruzen, to Tsunade: Do not end up in the paper or jail. If you end up in jail, establish dominance then call Orochimaru.  
Hiruzen, quietly to Orochimaru: If she calls you from jail. Let her fester for three hours then call me. I’ll get her out. Again.
[Later]
Danzo: Explain, why not let Orochimaru-Kun get her out?
Hiruzen: I tried having him do it once. He sauntered in there like he owned the place and made the whole station cry. He was then accused of coercion and attempt to bribe and threaten an officer. They had him locked up with Tsunade. The two of them then decided to call Jiraiya rather than me. And I think you can figure out how that went.
Danzo: Sort of…
Hiruzen: Which is how I ended up having to bail all my students out jail.
Hiruzen: This has happened twice I might add. And I’m not looking for a hat-trick. 

Chapter 2

Sasuke: *Trying to plead with an obstinate Sarada* But, little peanut…?
Sarada: *beet red* Papa!
Boruto: Peanut!? Peanut!! *Bursts out laughing*
Sarada: Boruto!!!!
Sasuke: Careful Boruto. All parents have pet baby names for their kids. I happen to know yours as well.
Sarada: Ha!
Boruto: *blushes* No *pleads* No! Don’t
Sasuke: BoBo.
Sarada: Hahahaha! BoBo? Hahahaha. BoBo, BoBo, BoBo.
Mitsuki: *Covers mouth*
Sasuke: *Turns to Mitsuki* And you—
Mitsuki: *Lowers sleeve and Smiles* Snakelet.
Sasuke: …*Blinks* …You’re just like Orochimaru. Not an ounce of shame in your body.

Chapter 3

Konohamaru: What do you wanna do when you grow up?
Sarada: I wanna be Hokage!
Boruto: I wanna be the Hokage’s advisor and personal private bodyguard!
Mitsuki: *plated smile* I want to watch. A study and observation to see how things progress.
[All around awkward silence]
Boruto & Sarada: … uhm… what?
Mitsuki: *Smiles at them* A clinical, scientific observation study in order to collect data for analysis and documentation of your progress.
Konohamaru: … Why?
Mitsuki: *still smiling, eyes glowing* To find out how they work and what makes them tick.
Konohamaru: …Mitsuki, I think you and I need to have a long conversation about privacy, human autonomy and personal boundaries.  

Chapter 4

ANBU: *Reporting* Konohamaru Sarutobi is in the hospital.
Naruto: Why?
ANBU: Mitsuki hit him with smelling salts.
Naruto: …? Why?
ANBU: Because Konohamaru told his team that if they were unable to differentiate between friend or foe they lacked situational chakra awareness.
ANBU: So Mitsuki thought he’d gauge Konohamaru’s situational chakra awareness by sneaking up on him and test his reaction to smelling salts.
Naruto: I still don’t quite get the problem?
ANBU: Well, Mitsuki acquired these smelling salts in…uhm.. the Hidden Sound.
Naruto: Oh!
Sai: *Resigned face-palm*
Shikamaru: *Rubs temples* I knew something like this would happen.
ANBU: Heh, yeah… they’re quite a bit stronger than regular smelling salts… and he refuses to tell us where he hid the rest of them.
Naruto: He has more!?
Shikamaru: Now, that’s just a threat…

Chapter 5

Mitsuki: *Pokes an oddly shaped mushroom he’s found at the side of the road* *Finger swells*
Mitsuki: Oh!, Guess I wasn’t supposed to touch that.
Mitsuki: *Snatches the whole mushroom out of the ground* *Whole arm begins to turn a funny colour*
Konohamaru: Aaaaaggghh! *Rushes over. Grabs Mitsuki’s wrist. Detaining the mushroom*
Konohamaru: *Scolds* Mitsuki, don’t just go touching toxic mushrooms! *pulls a piece of cloth out to take the mushroom away from him* What where you planning to do with it anyway?
Mitsuki: Consume it.
Konohamaru: ……
Sarada: …
Boruto: …there we go again, Mitsuki being all weird.
Konohamaru: WHY!?
Mitsuki: An experiment. *smiles*
Konohamaru: …*flabbergasted* An Experiment!?
Konohamaru: WHY?
Mitsuki: *Smiles* To see what would happen. And to determine its qualities and toxic properties.
Konohamaru: … *blinks* … *blinks*…
Konohamaru: *Pulls Mitsuki one step closer to himself* Listen carefully to me. NO!
Mitsuki: *Smile falls* …But—?
Konohamaru: No but’s!
Mitsuki: It could increase my resistance to naturally occurring toxins if I introduce it to my blood stream or if I absorb it through digestion.
Konohamaru: No Means NO, Mitsuki.
[Some time later]
Boruto: *Worriedly beckons for Konohamaru’s attention* Big Bro?
Konohamaru: Yes? What is it?
Boruto: *Awkwardly points towards the yard* He ate it.
Konohamaru: *Spins around to what Boruto is pointing at*
Mitsuki: *On his knees in the grass, blood running from his mouth down his chin, soaking the front of his clothes. He looks up at them, with thick syrupy tendrils of blood leaking from his eyes and smiles far too happily. Waving a blood stained sleeve “Hi” he coughs and hacks up a few rather large clots of… dissolved biological matter…*
Konohamaru: … *Twitches*

Chapter 6

Tsunade: *Punches a guy through three walls then sits back down at the bar next to Orochimaru*
Tsunade: *Fuming* All I said was Thank You and he has the gall to try and touch my boobs!
Orochimaru: *Rolls his glass between the palms of his hands* You always have to be a little mean to men, Tsuna. Because if you treat them like they’re human they think you want to sleep with them.
Tsunade and Orochimaru: *Hears a loud squeal and a perverted laugh. Turns around so see Jiraiya touching his ninth ass of the night and getting slapped as a result*
Orochimaru: …Case in point.

Chapter 7

Sarutobi to the young Sanning before leaving them alone: No drinking. No drugs. No Gambling. No kissing. No tattoos. No piercings. No ritual animal slaughter of any kind…
Danzo: Stop! You’re giving them ideas.
[Sarutobi and Danzo returning a few hours later]
Jiraiya: *In 7^th heaven, with a pleased grin on his face. Several busty ladies of the night fawning over him.*
Tsunade: *Oozing booze and collapsed over a table among a scattered mess of empty Sake bottles and gambling chips.*
Orochimaru: *Proudly posing. Showing off his piercings and tattoos.*
Sarutobi: ….
Sarutobi: …Well, at least there was no ritualistic animal sacrifice…
Danzo: *Pokes his shoulder and thumbs at the adjacent wall. Where numerous salamanders have been nailed up and neatly arranged to spell “Hanzo”*
Danzo: Gotta give them points for that. 

Chapter 8

[Mitsuki, regenerating a limb after having lost it in a fight]
Boruto: Did you just casually regrow an arm!? Like a fucking snake or something!
Sarada: Idiot, snakes can't regrow their arms! You're thinking of lizards.
Mitsuki: ...Also, snakes don't have arms.

Chapter 9

Orochimaru: Suigetsu, why are there little handprints on the ceiling?
Suigetsu: *turns to little Mitsuki* Why are there little handprints on the ceiling?
Mitsuki: I have little hands!
Suigetsu: *turns back to Orochimaru* He has little hands.

Chapter 10

Boruto: Mitsuki, you’re the moonlight. Because you’re the shine that comes from the sun reflecting on the moon but you’re no light of your own. Behind that mirror image of light is darkness.
Mitsuki: …
Sarada: And you’re the sun because no one wants to look directly at you! Or get too close because you’re impossible to deal with!

Chapter 11

Mitsuki: Suigetsu, can I come on the mission with you?
Suigetsu: Did you ask Orochimaru-Sama? What did They say?
Mitsuki: …They said No. That it’s not appropriate for me…
Suigetsu: Then what makes you think I’m gonna say Yes, kiddo?
Mitsuki: *Plated smile* Because you said earlier that my parent is ‘not the boss of you’?
Suigetsu: …
Suigetsu: … 
Suigetsu: …I sense a trap. 

Chapter 12

Orochimaru, to toddler Mitsuki: Mitsuki, stop licking your brother’s face.
Orochimaru: …and his arm.
Orochimaru, sighs and picks Mitsuki up: You know, how about we just don’t lick people.
Suigetsu: …
Suigetsu: …
Suigetsu: … *Meaningful look*
Orochimaru: Shut up, I’m aware of the double standard.

Chapter 13

Mitsuki: Why do you have a plastic skeleton strung up?
Anko: It’s decorations for the upcoming Horror House show.
Mitsuki: …? Plastic skeletons are scary?
Anko: Couldn’t really get my hands on a real one.
Mitsuki: Oh. *smiles* I can help. I know where to source tones of real grotesque skel—
Konohamaru: [Sweeps in and covers Mitsuki’s mouth]
Konohamaru: [Very loud awkward laugh]

Chapter 14

[Boruto, Kawaki, Mitsuki, Iwabe and Denki playing Snakes and Ladders]
Iwabe: Ha! I’ve got you now!
Kawaki: *groans*
Mitsuki: Don’t worry, I have a few snakes up my sleeves.
Denki: That’s not how that saying goes.
Mitsuki: *Let’s his snakes lose from his sleeves* You were saying?
Denki [backpaddling, sweating]: This is not how you play the game!!

Chapter 15

Sarada: Don’t worry Inojin. Konohamaru-Sensei have banned Mitsuki from the chickencoop.
Boruto [having just joined]: Huh? What? Why?
Sarada: Snakes! Snakes! That’s why!
Inojin: *hugs his chick*
Chocho: He thought it was an all they can eat buffet. Which, you know, is a fair assumption if you're a snake.

Chapter 16

Enemy Nin: I have your kunoichi.
Jiraiya: What? Tsunade didn’t come on this mission…
Enemy Nin: Then who just called me a sack of wasted intestines and spit in my face?
Jiraiya and Sarutobi, simultaneously: Oh My God! You have Orochimaru!

Chapter 17

Orochimaru [going through his backpack]: Has anyone seen my top?
Tsunade: Jiraiya is gathering firewood.
Sarutobi: *almost inhales the whole length of his pipe and chokes*

Chapter 18

Sarutobi: [Hands Jiraiya a small box] Happy birthday, a little belatedly.
Jiraiya: Thanks but my birthday was last week. You forgot my birthday?
Sarutobi: I did not. I have the sharpest memory. I don’t forget important things.
Jiraiya: You once forgot Tsuna, Orochimaru and I on a cliff ledge halfway down a ravine for two days.
Sarutobi: ...
Sarutobi: I did that on purpose!
Jiraiya: We were six. Orochimaru cut his ankle open trying to climb out.
Sarutobi: And when I found you kids you had huge bump on your head from trying to headbutt a cliffside.
Jiraiya: ...
Jiraiya: So you did forget about us?
Sarutobi: … Define forget.

Chapter 19

[Kaksahi in his position as Hokage needing some help deciphering a few old jutsu scrolls and having invited Orochimaru over to do so]
Kakashi: Thank you for coming.
Orochimaru: The Hokage summoned me.
Kakashi: Yes…ehm… *Tentatively eyes baby Mitsuki on the floor having smashed an ink bottle and smearing inky hand prints all over the floor* Couldn’t you find a babysitter?
Orochimaru: Who do you suggest I leave him with? Suigetsu? Karin? Yuugo?
Orochimaru: Yuugo is sweet but he’s unpredictable. Karin is potentially more volatile than a loose tailed beast and she has a mouth that would make a seasoned T&I officer look innocent and naïve.
Kakashi: *clears his throat* I guess you’re not wrong…
Mitsuki: *Makes happy baby noises and gets ink splatter on Kakashi’s robes*
Orochimaru: And do you know the difference between Suigetsu and a jellyfish?
Kakashi: …Nooo?
Orochimaru: There isn’t one. They’re both made mainly of water and lack brains.

 

 

 

A/N: Suigetsu I'm sorry for everything. I love you. You're awesome! But you're too easy. 

Chapter 20

Sasuke: [makes disgruntled teenager sounds and rolls eyes]
Sasuke: *Incoherent sarcastic muttering* Whatever!
Sasuke: [Leaves]
Orochimaru: *screeching* I was Goth before it was cool!!

Chapter 21

[At the Uchiha police station]
Sarutobi: I’m here to pick them up.
Young Officer: Who?
Sarutobi: … Is this your first day?
Seasoned officer: Yes, he’s new. Wait a sec, I’ll get them for you Sir.
[Leaves the room and comes back a few minutes later shepherding the three ten-year-olds.]
Sarutobi: *sternly* What did you do this time?
Tsunade: …uhm
Jiraiya: …
Orochimaru: … *avoids eye-contact*
Seasoned officer: It involved three pair of hoof shaped shoes, a bucket of tar, some feathers and glitter.
Sarutobi: …!
Sarutobi: Well that explains the sparkly feathered hoof prints all over town.
Seasoned officer: Fifth act of vandalism, disorderly conduct, trespassing or public nuisance this week.
Sarutobi: *awkward laugh* They’re just kids.
Seasoned officer: … It’s Wednesday.
Sarutobi: *Clears throat and tries to act professional* I assure you they will be thoroughly reprimanded.
Seasoned officer: That’s what you said after yesterday’s event of *eyes Jiraiya* sexual misconduct, *eyes Tsunade* destruction of property and *eyes Orochimaru* assault with a deadly animal.
Orochimaru: *Flatly* It was a dry bite.
Sarutobi: *covers Orochimaru’s mouth* I’ll just take them out of your hair.
[Few minutes later after Sarutobi has left the station with the kids]
Young officer: Sir?
Seasoned officer: Rule one kid, Sarutobi Hiruzen talks a lot of smack. Rule two, those three kids are untouchables, as in there's nothing we can say or do that will face them.

Chapter 22

[Tsunade and Orochimaru watching Jiraiya being chased by an angry mob of women]
Tsunade: I don’t wanna but maybe we should help. We need Jiraiya to finish this mission and those women are gonna skin him alive before we get anything done.
Orochimaru: Conveniently being skinned alive doesn’t kill nearly as quickly as one would think. If done methodically and precisely the subject will not expire from blood loss or shock but rather hypothermia. Which may take up to a few days.
Tsunade: …I wanna know but I’m afraid to ask how you know that.
Orochimaru: *Looks away* I read it in a book…
Tsunade: … Whatever. You’re saying we should let them skin Jiraiya because he’ll still be useful for a few days until he freezes to death? Because I’m sort of down with that. Pervert had it coming.
Orochimaru: That might not be a good idea. Seeing as the sort of crude castration those women have in mind would cause massive haemorrhage.
Tsunade: …Ah, yes that would be counterproductive to the process.
Jiraiya: [having escaped the mob and now towering behind his two team mates] What the fuck you two.

Chapter 23

[A normal morning in the Sound]

Log: *Running around the dining room trying to avoid an examination* I’m perfectly fine.
Orochimaru: *With a thermometer* Just now you thought a ghost made your toast.
Log: *Hiding behind Mitsuki* I didn’t put the bread in! You didn’t put the bread in! So explain the toast!
[From the kitchen]
Suigetsu: Where the fuck is my toast!?
Log: …
Orochimaru: *Gives him a meaningful look*
Log: … I—
Mitsuki: If ghosts are mist then are ghosts liquid?
Suigetsu: *In the doorway* Hot liquid.
Orochimaru: *Groans and gives up* …I guess ghosts are sentient liquids then.
Karin: You call Suigetsu sentient?
Suigetsu: What was that!?
Orochimaru: If I must, perhaps by the barest minimum of the definition.
Suigetsu: Hey!
Mitsuki: Because ghosts are sentient and water is not.
Suigetsu: Hey!
Log: …I need a smoke…
Yuugo: …*Just wants a normal breakfast*

 

 

A/N: I blame wine this time...

Chapter 24

A/N: Implied one-sided JiraOro

 

[The girl bosses getting Hinata ready for her wedding anniversary]
Sakura: Oh, Hinata you look irresistible.
Tenten: Naruto is gonna swoon.
Ino: If I wasn’t straight…
Orochimaru: If I wasn’t gay.
Ino: *Jumps on the opportunity* What? You’d swoon for Hinata or you'd make Naruto swoon?
Orochimaru: Naruto-kun is not really my type.
Ino: Oh of course not. We know he’s not your type *She lays the teasing on thick*
Hinata: Ino?
Sakura and Tenten: *Urging Ino on in the background*
Ino: *gleeful leer* Let me guess. Your type, dear Orochimaru, is tall, loud, brazen, sun kissed, muscular hunks with frivolous attitudes, questionable moral around women, a toad obsession, big grins and white flyaway hair.
TenTen: …That was oddly specific…

 

 

A/N: I ship JiraOro so hard I can't even blame alcohol for this one, just my own mental degeneration. 

Chapter 25

Konohamaru: *Trying to cheer up a depressed client* Everyone! Words of affirmation.
Konohamaru: Your feelings matter!
Boruto: It’s okay to ask for help!
Sarada: You are not a burden!
Mitsuki: Murder is okay.
Everyone: … … …
Konohamaru: *Sweatdrop* No. No that’s not it…
Mitsuki: ? *Contemplates*…hum?… *smiles* Murder is acceptable.
Konohamaru: *Sighs* No. Try again.
Mitsuki: *Still smiling* Murder is natural.
Konohamaru: *Bangs head against wall muttering*… I give up.
Mitsuki: Murder is normal.
Konohamaru: *Alarmed* No! Murder is the last resort!!
Mitsuki: …hum…
Konohamaru: *On his last fuse* What else is normal to you? *his head is spinning* Illegal research? Unlawful medical procedures? Human autopsies? Experimentation!?
Mitsuki: *Big smile* Oh! That’s a Saturday.
Konohamaru: *About to blow* What are you and Orochimaru doing on the weekends!!?
Mitsuki: *Happily disregarding Konohamaru’s growing distress* On Sunday’s we make cookies.
Konohamaru: *Deflates*… *blinks* … *blinks* … ehe?

Chapter 26

Tsunade age six: Sensei is cool, just as cool as grandpa!
Tsunade: I wanna do what they do when I grow up.
Mito: Oh, that's great sweetheart. What is it they do that you admire?
Tsunade: hum...um...um...
Tsunade: *Big smile* Grandpa took me to the fun place to play with cards and dice and Sensei drinks beer and pees on trees!
Mito: ...
Mito: ...
Mito: *to the heavens* HASHIRAMA!!

Chapter 27

Jiraiya, Tsunade and Orochimaru: *Screaming*
Hiruzen, rushing into the kitchen: Orochimaru! What happened!? Are you alright!?
Jiraiya: Why are you only asking Orochi? What about the rest of us? We all screamed!
Hiruzen: Because Orochimaru doesn't scream unless it’s an emergency. You two scream whenever you get the chance. I just tune you out.
Jiraiya, sarcastically: ...You really know how to make a kid feel safe in your care Sensei.

 

What Hiruzen saw: Orochimaru and Tsunade on the table cowering in an embrace and Jiraiya, with a frying pan, about to chase after the spider.

Chapter 28

[Hiruzen, stalking through the house in his nightclothes, complete with a little nightcap. Eight-year-old Orochimaru slung over his shoulder.]
Hiruzen: You're supposed to be in bed by 8. 
Orochimaru: 7pm was ten minutes ago.
Hiruzen: It's past midnight! Get in your pyjamas and get to bed!
Hiruzen, grumbling: Your sense of time is a black hole.

Chapter 29

[Tsunade and Orochimaru in the aftermath of the 4th war, sitting on the floor in the grand hall of the Senju mansion, three bottles of Sake between them]
Orochimaru, taking a drag from a cigarett before handing it to Tsunade: Has anyone dusted this place?
Tsunade, blowing out a cloud of smoke: Do you see me with a dust wipe?
Orochimaru: ...forget I asked. 

Chapter 30

Sarutobi: *Proudly* And that concludes our sex ed class boys.
Sarutobi: [Looks between the two boys before him. Jiraiya with a full box of tissues up his nose and a dazed I-have-seen-the-face-of-God expression and Orochimaru, shaking and with a bucket between his knees]
Sarutobi: *Sighs* Jiraiya do try to not get blood on my floors as you leave and Orochimaru, you can take your hands off your ears and open your eyes now.
Jiraiya: *Stumbles out of the room with his hands pressed over his nose* I got to find Tsunade and ask her about the monsoon or mensoon thing.
Sarutobi: That’s menstruation Jiraiya. And Do Not ask her about it!
Sarutobi: *Silently to himself* Though mensoon may be applicable in some cases. Or so I've heard.
Orochimaru: *Shakily gets on his feet with Sarutobi’s help* …I’m keeping this *hugs the bucket*

Chapter 31

Orochimaru: *Hands a fussy baby Mitsuki to Jiraiya* Hold him for me.
Jiraiya: *Holds the fussing baby at arm’s length* W—wh-what am I supposed to do!?
Orochimaru: *Rummaging through a babybag for a bottle* I know difficulty multitasking is a symptom of the male condition but all you need to do is handle two simple tasks at once.
Orochimaru: Hold him and don’t drop him. Those are the instructions. Even you should be able to handle that, otherwise you are simply incompetent and faulty by design.
Jiraiya: *Sours and pretends to drop the baby*
Orochimaru: *Gasps and flings themselves across the distance aborting halfway through as Jiraiya catches the now laughing baby Mitsuki*
Orochimaru: …Jiraiya!
Jiraiya: Don’t be such a mother hen Orochi.
Orochimaru: *Pulls Mitsuki into their arms and glares at Jiraiya* I hate you.
Jiraiya: No you don’t.

Chapter 32

Tsunade: *Squeals and pokes newborn Mitsuki’s cheek as he lays sleeping in his bassinet*
Tsunade: You’re so cute. Look at these mochi cheeks. You’re the most adorable baby nephew ever! *strokes his hand, inserting a finger in his closed fist* Sweet and soft and so, so tiny…
Orochimaru: *from the bed* He didn’t feel so tiny coming out.

 

 

A/N My brain is filled with baby Mitsuki brainrot today, just jumping around in there. So baby Mitsuki is what you're gonna get.

Chapter 33

[During the 4^th war]
Tsunade: Didn’t you die?
Orochimaru: That was weeks ago. Things change, get with the time. I’m back, I’m stronger. I’m prettier. I’m the OG bitch and I brought company. *gestures gayly at the previous Hokages*

Chapter 34

Hiruzen: *Sleeping peacefully in his bed*
BOOM!!!
[Dogs barking, childish voices screeching, rocks and earth rumbling, smell of something burning, random whooping sound, inhuman thud]
Hiruzen: *slams door open* It’s a quarter past midnight, what group of idiots are—?! … *Blinks* …?
Orochimaru: *clothes ripped, face smudged with soot, rather startled looking snake on his head* Sarutobi-sensei.
Tsunade: *covered in soot, clothes charred* Sensei.
Jiraiya: *half buried under a pile of rubble* ... ‘en’ei, ‘iilp
Random toad: *pokes Jiraiya’s head with a dry blade of grass*
Hiruzen: …Oh, my idiots…

Chapter 35

Orochimaru: I shouldn’t stress this much. It’s not good for the baby.
Tsunade: What baby?
Orochimaru: …
Tsunade: Orochimaru, what baby? Where did you get a baby?
Orochimaru: Well—
Tsunade: *Threatening* Where is it? What have you done!? Tell me now!
Orochimaru: *Lip wobbling*
Tsunade: OROCHIMARU!? I’M NOT FUCKING AROUND! WHERE IS THE BABY!?
Orochimaru: *Thickly* Damn these hormones.
Tsunade: …
Tsunade: …
Tsunade: Are You Kidding Me!?
Orochimaru: *puts a hand on their abdomen*
Tsunade: *blinks*…  I’m… I’m gonna be an aunt!
Orochimaru: …
Tsunade: Let’s Drink To That! *Miraculously pulls a bottle of Sake out of seemingly thin air* I’m gonna be a freaking aunt!!

 

 

A/N: I saw a fanart of Orochimaru with a baby bump and that took my brain many places I didn't know existed. So, No I can't blame anything else than my own brainrot for this. 

Chapter 36

[Mitsuki returning home to the Sound after the hidden Stone incident]
Mitsuki: Am I in trouble?
Orochimaru: Take a guess.
Mitsuki: …No?
Orochimaru: Take another guess.
Log: *by the doorway* I’m gonna go smoke four packs with Yamato. See ya.
Suigetsu: You know what, I’m gonna join them. Good luck kid. *Promptly leaves the room*

 

A/N: My brain has some weird obsession with conjuring up fantasies of Mitsuki getting in trouble (yes, my brain is a separate independent entity, at least when it acts up like that. "You hear that you grey rotten jello sludge! You're my brain and you're giving me secondhand embarrassment!") This quote is possessively tame compared to some scenarios my brain has forced me to... experience.
Orochimaru as a parent is jarring but so so satisfying. 

 

 

Chapter 37

Toad: I have a Jiraiya inside my stomach.
Naruto: I have a fox, a toad and a crow inside my stomach.
Jiraiya: I summon the inside of a toad's stomach.
Orochimaru: I have a weapons pouch inside my stomach and some other stuff, it's basically my purse.

Chapter 38

Mitsuki: *Floors an opponent instantly*
Opponent: You son of a bitch!
Orochimaru: *Watching from the sideline* Watch your language. That's beeatch to you.

 

 

A/N: technically Orochimaru is both a bitch and a beeatch but I think in certain situations they'll pick one or the other just to be a pain in the ass.

Chapter 39

[After a mission gone wrong]
Konohamaru: Well, we’re all alive. Give me your phones, I need to call your parents.
Sarada: *Hands him her phone*
Konohamaru: *Talks to Sakura, ensuring her everything is fine*
Boruto: *Hands him his phone*
Konohamaru: *Tells Naruto and Hinata what happened then gives the phone back*
Mitsuki: *Hands him a snake*
Konohamaru: ... O_O ...*Chaos*

 

A/N: Imagine Konohamaru busy giving Boruto his phone back so he just grabs what Mitsuki is handing him without really looking and it takes about 0,5 seconds for his brain to connect that phones shouldn’t be long, scaly and moving = Chaos.

Snake phones are the next step in evolution. That is a secure line. Try to tap that, I dare you.

Chapter 40

Naruto: Why are all the Sannin going through the stages of grief in a corner?
Shikamaru: They took one of those ‘Which Naruto character are you’ quizzes.
Naruto: So?
Shikamaru: Apparently they’re each other.
Sai: And they don’t know how to deal with that information.
Ino: So far we have witnessed sulking, anger, denial, bargaining, shoving, depression, accusation, celebration, intoxication, asphyxiation, tantrums, pleading, another round of sulking, sucker punches, tears, three wild kunai, biting, constriction, summoning’s, two attempts at sage mode, shoes where shoes are not supposed to be, hairpulling, threats of getting Lord third involved and at one point they shoved their fingers into each other’s mouths and collectively screamed what sounded like “Suck it!” …or some variation of that. Oh! And a grimaces contest.
Sai: All in the span of the last thirty minutes.
Shikamaru: That’s an impressive amount of chaos concentrated into such a short amount of time.
Ino: If it wasn’t so entertaining I’d ask them to kiss and make up but at this point I’m afraid of what they might do. There are some things the public shouldn’t have to see.

Chapter 41

[Young Orochimaru from a distance observing Jiraiya and Sarutobi hiding in the bushes spying on a bunch of women bathing.]
Tsunade: What are you thinking?
Orochimaru: You know about XX and XY chromosomes?
Tsunade: Yeah.
[Jiraiya and Sarutobi have been discovered and are now being chased around by a bunch of women with wooden ladles]
Orochimaru: If you think about it, a Y is just an X that’s missing a piece.
Tsunade: …
[Jiraiya and Sarutobi getting their asses walloped]
Orochimaru: Seemingly the piece containing self regulation and common sense
Tsunade: *nods* Bushes don’t giggle.

Chapter 42

Karin: Orochimaru-sama? What are you doing?
Orochimaru: Trying to undo one of the strongest forces in the universe.
Karin: Huh?
Orochimaru: The strongest forces in the universe, Karin my dear. Magnetic force, gravitational force and… the grip of a toddler. *Tries and fails to pry Mitsuki’s fingers off their hair*
Mitsuki: *Happy toddler noises* *Janks Orochimaru’s hair*
Orochimaru: Ow, ow, ow, ow. Now, now, Mitsuki. Hair does not bend that way. 

Chapter 43

[Three young Sannin, on a KIA retrieval mission, somewhere in the middle of nowhere.]
Tsunade: You lost a corpse?
Jiraiya: I didn’t lose it. It got away from me.
Tsunade: How? It damn well didn’t get up and run off!
Jiraiya: Sort of did a drop and roll. But I found some booty and a bag of medicaments instead.
Tsunade: You Lost Our Corpse!!
Orochimaru: …You jeopardized our mission success for sex and drugs?
Jiraiya: The drugs were unintentional. I couldn’t just leave a bag of assorted pharmaceuticals unattended. Anyone could’ve picked it up!
Orochimaru: Yeah, …You did.
Tsunade: Guys! Forget the drugs! What about our corpse!?
Orochimaru: Forget the corpse. It ain't nothing special. These drugs, on the other hand, endless possibilities.
Tsunade: You're picking drugs over a corpse?
Orochimaru: *rummaging through the bag* Yes.
Tsunade: ... *Checks Orochimaru for a fever*