crash and burn (and then return again)

by ScreechTheMighty

Summary:

This week the trend / Was to borrow all the strength that You could lend / To keep my head above the water and not descend / Back to where I said I'd never go again...

Jack Cooper navigates the aftermath of Typhon.

Notes:

Fun fact, I started writing this *checks notes* literal years ago, but only just now circled back to it now that I'm filling in the holes in the Titanfall part of my Respawn Cinematic Universe. I will be eventually circling back to the stuff that happens after The Citadel, don't worry! I just wanted to get this one out of the way (again: literal years).

Chapter 1

Things would’ve gone a lot differently if he were a in movie. For starters, Cooper wouldn’t have passed out within five minutes of arriving on the main battleship.

That was his own fault. His body had been giving him signs it was going to quit on him the whole flight back. He was shaky, almost dizzy, nauseous, and it felt like someone had replaced his brain with piles of stuffing. Cooper had figured it was just the adrenaline. Been there, done that. He’d be fine once he had something to eat and some real sleep. He didn’t say anything because it wasn’t a big deal.

Turned out it, was a big deal.

His memories of what exactly happened were hazy. Commander Briggs was there, he knew that, and Robert Taube. He remembered there were a lot of other people, and that he thought it was all those eyes on him (even in a positive light) that were making him feel worse. He tried to be subtle about excusing himself. He wasn’t sure if he succeeded or not; he thought someone followed him, but he couldn’t remember if it was Commander Briggs or Taube or both. Maybe it was neither. But he was pretty sure he remembered someone asking if he was okay, and replying that he didn’t feel so hot.

That must’ve been when he passed out, because his next concrete memory was lying on a moving gurney and someone checking his pulse “...repeated physical contact with an unknown energy source, we have no idea…” someone was saying.

Cooper risked opening his eyes. Commander Briggs was there, Taube, too, and a nurse, and a medical droid. It wasn’t that big of an audience, but it felt like a whole stadium of people once he realized what happened. “Did I throw up on anyone?” he mumbled.

“No,” Taube replied bluntly. “You about to?”

“...uhm…”

He must’ve gone grey or green or whatever color you turned when you were about to puke, because Taube swore and got out of the way. At least that way, Cooper didn’t throw up on anyone. Puking on the floor in front of his new CO, a respected war hero, and two medics was still in the top ten most humiliating moments of his life. There wasn’t much in his stomach to throw up, just water and one and a half energy bars. But apparently his body really didn’t want it.

There was a hand on his shoulder, someone asking him something, but Cooper barely registered the question. He stared down at the floor, eyes defocused. This had happened before, right? Fracture? Yeah. Fracture. He’d hit his head, suffered a concussion. Did he have another concussion? He’d fallen so many times on Typhon. He’d thought the jump kit and the helmet would take the worst of it but…hell, he didn’t know. He had no clue what he was doing. “Shit,” he muttered.

“Were you given any medication during Broadsword?” asked the med droid. Its voice was neutral in a calming way, but higher pitched than BT’s had been.  Thinking about BT made his stomach churn. “Exposure to any other energy sources?”

Had he? So much had happened. He could barely keep track. “Uhm...s-sansufentynal. After my drop pod landed. And...Lastimosa…” The name tasted bitter in his mouth. “…gave me something, I don’t know what. He said it might knock me out, but I’d feel better once I woke up. I was in a power chamber, there was some radiation, but I think it wasn’t so long that my suit couldn’t handle it.”

“Understood.” The med droid began speaking in softer tones to the medic, something about blood work and scans; Cooper was too busy trying to control his still-revolting stomach to really pay attention.

Am I dying? Did I really survive all that bullshit just to die like this?

“You’re not dying,” said Taube roughly. Cooper looked up at him, confused. Had he said that out loud? How out of it was he right now? “Just keep it together, kid. We’re gonna get you help.”

He was the one resting a hand on Cooper’s shoulder. The reassuring pressure of the grip contrasted with the way Taube actually looked: worn down, five o’clock shadow, bags under his eyes. He looked just as ready to pass out as Cooper felt.

Cooper couldn’t blame him for that. It had been a hell of a long day. Using the past tense didn’t feel right, though. A day like that couldn’t just be…over. Not like this. Not with…

He lay back down and shut his eyes tightly.

He can’t be gone.

How can he just be gone?

The thought kept echoing in his head as they dragged him into a private room in the medbay. Cooper went through the motions, sitting up, letting them look him over, responding to any questions he knew the answers to. The answers kept getting shorter and shorter; if that concerned the medics, Cooper barely noticed. Everything was growing more distant—sounds, sensations, the overall feeling of reality. All he wanted to do was curl up somewhere quiet and dark and sleep.

Sleep and wake up in a world where BT wasn’t gone.

 

Cooper had gone quiet.

Barker hadn’t noticed it at first. He’d only realized because he’d happened to glance in Cooper’s direction. He was hunched over, face buried in his hands, not making a sound even as his shoulders shook slightly. Barker wasn’t shocked—after everything Cooper had been through, having an emotional crash with the physical one wasn’t out of the blue or anything.

Should I do something?

Barker barely knew the guy from Adam, but he had a feeling Briggs didn’t either. That might’ve been part of the problem, now that he thought about it. All that shit and no one he could talk to about it.  Still, one of us should say something. Briggs was still talking intensely with the human medic, and the bot didn’t look like the reassuring type. It was either interrupt or…

He sighed. Ah, screw it. “Hey, Cooper?” Barker said carefully as he stepped forward.

Cooper didn’t reply.

Shit. “Cooper?” Barker repeated, a bit louder this time. When that didn’t get a response, he knew it was time to switch tactics. Cooper had been a rifleman before this; maybe he just needed a good prod from a CO to get him out of it. “Pilot,” Barker tried, trying to force his voice back into tones he hadn’t used since the IMC.

Still nothing.

Except he hadn’t been pilot for longer than a few days, right? Field promotion, no time to get used to it. So maybe…

“Hey, Rifleman.”

Cooper straightened up immediately, shoulders squared, hands dropping down from his face. “Sir,” he said. His eyes were pink, still wet with tears. He didn’t seem to register who Barker was at first; his body just responded to the rank. Muscle memory. Hell of a thing.

Barker had Cooper’s attention all right, but now he didn’t know what to do with it.

“You, uh…” Barker took another few steps forward and clumsily rested a hand on Cooper’s shoulder. “You okay?”

The kid looked at him like he was trying to figure out the right answer to the question.

That look didn’t last long. Whatever it was Cooper was trying to press down and re-shape into an acceptable answer shattered like a glass bottle. His composure and decorum went with it. Next thing Barker knew, the kid’s face was pressed against his chest as his body heaved with audible sobs.

Damn it, I am not equipped for this.

Though he may have been more prepared than everyone else there. Briggs looked just as caught off-guard as he did, and the medbot wasn’t going to be any help. The flesh and blood medic looked lost, too. Barker shot them all a baffled look as he clumsily patted Cooper’s shoulder. You’re gonna let me do this? Really? “’S’okay. Let it out.” Don’t worry about me telling anyone. I will definitely be drinking enough to forget this. “I’m sorry.”

The words tasted sharp, bitter. I get it. That part was left unspoken, but he did. The empty hole in your head, in your soul. You formed bonds quickly in combat. Cooper might not have had the years of connection Barker had with Juliet, but that wouldn’t make it hurt less. Someone sacrificing themselves for you never went down easily.

Barker gritted his teeth. Definitely drinking tonight.

“You’re safe now,” he said instead. “We’ve got you, kid.”

Cooper’s sobs slowed eventually. He let go of Barker’s jumpsuit, instead tightly hugging himself. He rocked slightly in place—self-soothing, if Barker had to guess—and his eyes stayed clenched shut. “Can’t,” he choked out.

“Can’t what?”

“It…mmph.” His shoulders hunched more tightly, like he was trying to shrink into himself. “Bright.”

Briggs finally snapped out of it and went to dim the lights. The medbot said something to the human medic, who cursed quietly and started digging around through some nearby drawers. Barker, meanwhile, crouched in front of Cooper, trying to catch his gaze. “That better?” A pause. A nod. “Anything hurt? Like, about to drop dead hurt?”

Cooper hugged himself more tightly. Damn it, I’m making things worse again. Barker didn’t think this was a panic attack; he’d seen plenty of those before. So what is it? What’s wrong?

The medic nudged him aside gently and held out something to Cooper. “Here,” she said. “Do you think you can use this?”

The small tablet she’d passed him had an application open with a bunch of buttons. Barker could see an alphabet, and some standard words and phrases. Cooper took the tablet, then stared at the application as if trying to register what he was looking at. After a lengthy pause, he tapped one of the options.

“No.”

Okay, they were getting somewhere. “No, nothing hurts?” Barker guessed. Cooper nodded. “What do you need, kid?”

A pause. This time, Cooper tapped at the letters.

“Alone.”

…yeah. Fair.

“Can we clear the room, guys?” the medic asked. To Cooper, she added, “We’ll be just outside. Come get us if you need anything, okay?”

She seemed confident that Cooper wouldn’t hurt himself or have a heart attack, so Barker followed the others outside. He took one more glance at Cooper as he stepped out, and almost wished he hadn’t. The freshly minted pilot had hunched back over, the tablet hugged tightly to his chest. It was something no one should see, least of all the drunk who’d only just met the poor guy.

Barker looked away. Jack Cooper was going to be the talk of the town when they got back to Harmony. The least they could do was let him grieve in private while he still could.

Chapter 2

He came to slowly, unsure of where he was or how he’d gotten there. Private room. Actual bed. Stripped down to his undershirt and boxers. His foot rested against a bundle of…something. He picked through the items. One sock, jumpsuit, second sock. Right. They’d let him go to bed with his clothes on. He must have ripped this all off in his sleep.

More details followed. Being left alone in a dimly lit room for a while. Someone eventually coming back and getting a blood sample. He’d been present enough to give permission, but not present enough to remember who had done it. He’d been led to the private room after that. Cooper had barely managed to get out of his boots and jump kit before crawling into bed.

It was a new day. He was still a hero. Lastimosa and BT were still dead.

Cooper tossed his discarded clothes onto the floor and curled back up under the covers. He didn’t stay that way for long. Now that he was awake, he was aware of himself. The odd stickiness of his skin. The way he still smelled like a battlefield. The overwhelming morning breath. Eventually, it got to be too much. The room had an attached bathroom with its own shower; he scrubbed himself off for as long as the water timer allowed, leaving him with tingly skin and the smell of fake citrus clinging to him. He brushed his teeth next, cringing at the overpowering mint taste but preferring it to the stale grittiness of before. He stripped the bed, shoved the sheets and his dirty clothes and towels into the small closet, and sat on the bed in nothing but a thin towel.

What do I do now?

He really didn’t know. They were going back to Harmony, he knew that much, but what did that mean for him once he got there? Had Briggs meant it when she said that he’d earned his pilot’s certification? Would they want him back in action?

Do I have to get a new Titan?

The thought made his stomach lurch. Cooper leaned over, breathing slowly, hoping that he wasn’t about to throw up again. He didn’t, but it was a close call.

He didn’t want a new Titan. He didn’t want to do this without BT. He wasn’t sure he could. But what would that mean for him?

What do I do?

Cooper pulled the towel more tightly around himself and shut his eyes tightly.

I want to go home.

The desire was almost overwhelming. He wanted to be back on Persephone. He wanted to be back in his childhood room, in a space that he knew, with the old rhythms of the farm. He wanted to see his cousins, even the ones who thought he was a lunatic for joining the Militia. He wanted to see his parents, and Alicia, and…

He wanted to see Lastimosa.

He wanted to see BT.

Cooper’s breath caught in his throat. He closed his eyes tightly, wrapping the towel more tightly around himself. Breathe, breathe, please, don’t do this again. He hadn’t had more than one meltdown in 24 hours since he was a kid, and he didn’t want to break that streak. He was already so tired.

Cooper stumbled to his feet and started looking around the space. It looked like someone had brought his things in from his old locker. Normally, he’d feel bothered by someone having touched and moved his things, but now, it was a Godsend. He was barely able to dig through with shaking hands until he unearthed his old quilt, his spare jacket. He turned the lights back off and wrapped himself up in both on the bed, tightly as he could. He closed his eyes. He could feel tears start tracking down his cheeks again, but he wasn’t falling apart as badly as he could have.

Small mercies.

He must have fallen back asleep, because when someone knocked on the door, he was facing in a completely different direction and had one foot sticking out from the blanket bundle he’d wrapped himself in. It took Cooper a second to remember where he was and what had happened. Typhon. The mission. BT and Lastimosa. He looked at the clock.

It was noon.

That got him up fast. “Sorry! Sorry, I’m coming.” There was a wrinkled set of fatigues in his bag; he grabbed them and threw them on. No time for boots, barely time to smooth his hair down before he opened the door. “I’m sor-“

Except that wasn’t a CO standing outside the door, not technically. It was Robert Taube. He looked like someone had hit him with the broad side of a Ronin’s blade, to be honest, but Cooper couldn’t judge. He probably looked worse himself. “Uhm. Lieutenant. Sir.”

Taube groaned. “Don’t. Not part of your hierarchy. Barker is fine.”

“Oh.” Cooper shifted uncomfortably. “Sorry.”

Taube—Barker—waved him off. “Just making sure you’re not dead or anything. They figured you could take the day if you needed it. Plenty of time before we get back to Harmony.”

Cooper wasn’t sure how to feel about that. On the one hand, it was a relief that he wouldn’t be in trouble for sleeping late, that he wouldn’t have to talk to anyone new or face all those staring eyes again. On the other hand, part of him so badly wanted to go back to normal, to the rigid structure of the military life. He needed someone to tell him what to do and he needed things to make sense.

But things would never really go back to the way they were. He was a pilot now. New rules, new routines. Still people telling him what to do, but…

“Hey, now, don’t pass out on me,” Barker said warily. “Should I be getting a medic?”

“No, sir.”

“You sure?”

“Yes, sir.”

Barker looked skeptical, but shrugged it off. “All right, well…they’ll probably still want you to check in, but other than that…do what you want, I guess.” He started to turn, paused, then faced Cooper again. “Have you eaten at all?”

“…no…”

“Will you puke again if you try?” Cooper shook his head. “Do you want something brought to you?”

“You don’t have to…”

“Who said anything about me doing it? I can ask a MRVN. You won’t be bothering anyone.”

…well, when he put it that way. “Okay. Thank you, sir.”

Barker just grunted in response, wrote down what Cooper wanted, and left. His brusqueness should’ve been a lot more off-putting, but a part of Cooper appreciated it. He’d heard secondhand that Barker could be a little surly. That just meant he wasn’t treating Cooper any differently than he would anyone else.

Cooper probably wasn’t going to get a lot of that in the future.

The thought made him shudder. He ended up laying back down and trying not to think about it until a MRVN showed up with his food. He ate slowly. He didn’t get nauseous, but he also barely tasted the food. He lay back down.

He got back up abruptly and walked to the pile of jump gear in the corner. Lastimosa had shown him the basics of caring for pilot gear, and BT had been able to answer any questions Cooper had. He’d done what he could to keep it clean and in working order while he was on the ground, but he’d only been able to do so much. Everything was still dirty, there were a few new dents and chips in the paint, and he knew someone a bit more professional should take a look at it. The thought of giving it up made him feel sick, though. It was all he had left of…

No. Don’t think about that.

Later, he’d give the gear to someone who knew what they were doing. But he couldn’t leave them like this, so Cooper started on the maintenance himself. He carefully cleaned every piece, repaired what damage he could. He left the helmet for last. Holding it in his hands almost felt like he was having a second funeral.

Lastimosa won’t get to go home. Cooper didn’t know for sure, but his gut told him that the makeshift grave was one of the casualties of the facility’s explosion. All that was left of Lastimosa and BT was drifting in space. They both deserved better than that.

Cooper rested his forehead against the helmet. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I wish…”

But what good would wishing do him?

“I miss you.”

The smooth surface of the helmet was comforting at first. Then, without warning, the visor flickered. Cooper nearly dropped it in surprise. The visor kept flicking, on and off over and over, before going dark again.

Was it broken? Cooper’s heart lodged in his throat at the thought. He put the helmet on, watching as the HUD flickered back to life. Everything looked fine. It all functioned like it should, far as he could tell, but…he’d only been a pilot for a few days. What the hell did he know?

It occurred to him again that maybe he should take the gear to a professional, and again he hesitated. Maybe it was just a glitch, he thought as he removed the helmet. Or maybe I’m just seeing things. He was still tired, so tired he could feel the ache all over his body. It felt like he’d never get enough sleep.

Cooper finished cleaning up the gear and placed the helmet within sight of his bed. He lay back down, staring at it until he couldn’t keep his eyes open.

It flickered again as his mind drifted from wakefulness to sleep.

Or maybe he’d only dreamed that.

Chapter 3

The next day brought paperwork.

So, so much paperwork.

His recounting of Typhon could be given entirely in writing since he still struggled with being verbal. Writing it down was hard, but even the thought of giving a verbal interview, of having to actually talk about what he’d gone through, exhausted him. In writing, he could be concise, dispassionate, pretend it happened to some other poor SOB named Jack and he was just recounting it.

It didn’t really work that way, but at least he ended up crying in private and not on camera.

After the paperwork, it was time for another exam. The medic remembered him from last time and kept the AAC tablet out in case he needed it, which he appreciated. Fortunately, he was able to work his way up from one-word answers to short sentences as the exam went on.

Physically, he needed rest and to eat well. Psychologically, there were people he could speak to planet side that would help him out with this “difficult period.” He was given leave papers and a referral to a therapist who had experience working with autistic clients. “I’m not sure how much time you’ll be able to take, but take as much as you can,” the doctor said. “I’ve seen too many pilots burn out from overwork, and you’ve been through something unique.”

Not that unique after Broadsword, Cooper thought, but didn’t say. That was a bit too much for him to get out of his mouth at the moment, and at any rate, it felt a little too dark. You got used to gallows humor when you were in the military, but…

No, it was too soon to comment on either situation.

Cooper was walking from the med bay and debating whether he should risk getting food or just go back to sleep when Sarah Briggs rounded the corner. “Cooper, there you are,” she said. “How are you holding up?”

Bad was the first word that came to mind, but he shoved it back quickly. “Physically fit, ma’am,” he said instead.

“Glad to hear it. Did they get you set up with leave papers?” Cooper showed them to her, but kept the psych referral tucked in the back. “That’s good. Any family on Harmony?”

Cooper shook his head. All his family were still on Persephone, and he wasn’t sure he was ready to face the whole gaggle of his cousins, anyway. “I might.” Cooper paused to fully form the sentence in his head. “Someone I know might be stationed there. She’s with logistics.”

“She’ll probably be there, then. You’re more than welcome to visit. I know the head of R&D wants a word once you’re planet side. And…” Briggs hesitated. “Cassie…Captain Lastimosa’s niece, I don’t know if you knew about her…she may not know yet.”

Cooper’s chest ached. He did know about Cassie. Lastimosa had talked about her more than once. He was a little surprised that she didn’t know by now, but maybe they wanted to tell her in person. “She’ll probably have questions,” Briggs continued. “I don’t know if you’ll be up for it, but…”

“I’ll talk to her,” Cooper said. It would hurt, but… “She should hear it from me.” He’d been there when Lastimosa died. Stepped into his gear, his Titan, his mission. It was only right that she got the whole story from him.

Briggs nodded. “That’s kind of you. I’m sure she’ll appreciate it.”

Appreciate probably wasn’t the right word, but Cooper didn’t want to think about that right now. A new question was gnawing at him, demanding some kind of answer. “What happens to me after, ma’am?”

Briggs didn’t hesitate. “Like I said, you’ve more than earned your pilot’s certification. They’ll probably want to run you through all the entrance tests, just to check where you need additional training, but that’s it. You’re one of us now, Cooper, if you still want to be.”

If all that stuff about parallel timelines was true, there was a Jack Cooper who was overjoyed to be getting that news. A Jack Cooper who had earned his way in under less bloody circumstances and felt he had the right to celebrate. The Cooper he was, though, could only feel a hollow ache.

He would have given up his dream of becoming a pilot in a heartbeat if it meant Lastimosa and BT could live.

But it didn’t work that way, and backing out now felt like spitting on everything Lastimosa had ever done for him. So, Cooper nodded. “I do want that,” he said. “Thank you, ma’am.”

He had to be worthy of Lastimosa’s sacrifice now. Worthy of all the trust and belief the man had put in him.

Worthy of all the trust and belief BT had put in him, too.

No matter what it took.

Notes:

Bit of a short update, but we do chapter lengths based on vibes here.

Chapter 4

The first thing Cooper did when they entered Harmony’s orbit was contact Alicia. He’d already confirmed she was stationed there—a fact that cast the planet’s near-demise in a new and more terrifying light—so it was just a matter of contacting the right department and asking if she was in.

“Jack?” Alicia said.

Hearing her voice again made him suddenly, fiercely homesick. “Hey,” Cooper mumbled. “So, uh…guess who’ll be in town soon?”

“Hang on.” Cooper heard her phone being put down and the distant sound of a door closing. When Alicia returned to the call, she had the same tone she used whenever the local farm gossip was especially juicy: “Dude, did you guys really blow a hole in a planet?!”

Cooper made a strangled noise that felt like either a laugh or a sob. Not even he was sure which. “I…” He took a second to collect himself. “I don’t know if I’m allowed to answer that.”

“In that case, I won’t ask. Just promise me I’ll be the first one you tell when it’s declassified.”

“Okay. I promise.”

“Are you okay?”

“Physically, I’m fine. Emotionally…” He had to take another second. “I understand if you’re busy, but if you have time…I could really use a familiar face.”

 “Absolutely.” She heard the sound of a keyboard in the background as she kept talking. “What time are you landing?”

“Hour or so, but I know I have to talk to some other people first. I can meet you wherever you are if that works?”

“Sounds good. I should be able to get off early. A few people owe me one." She gave him her number and instructions on how to find the main supply headquarters. “There’s a lot of signage, so you shouldn’t get too lost. Give me a call whenever you’re available. I can always come to you if anything goes wrong.”

“Copy that. See you in a bit.”

“See you, Jack.”

At least he’d have that to look forward to. Cooper tried to focus on the upcoming meeting, not the negatives of what landing would mean.

It was hard when he had to put back on his old rifleman gear—the only other clothes he had—and carefully fold up Lastimosa’s gear. He might have been a pilot now, but wearing Lastimosa’s gear when he went to see his family felt wrong. He didn’t want to get Cassie’s hopes up.

What do I say to her? What does anyone say in this situation? He wasn’t sure who to ask. He’d actually dug up a blank death report as they approached the planet, just to get an idea of the script. The form felt so impersonal, cold. That wasn’t going to work at all. Not when Lastimosa had meant something to him, too.

Maybe start there? We both lost someone important to us. Could be a point of connection.

Hopefully it would read as empathetic and not that he was trying to make it all about him.

Cooper joined the rest of the SRS as they readied to depart. He tried not to make eye contact with anyone. He tried not to look at any of the Titans. He kept his arms wrapped around Lastimosa’s gear and tried to rehearse what he’d say to Cassie.

I’m sorry…he died a hero…no, not that, it doesn’t make any of it better.

I’m sorry. He saved my life. That just makes it my fault, doesn’t it?

I’m sorry. I know what you’re going through. No, no, that does feel like I’m making it all about me…

The doors opened, letting in a flood of late afternoon sunlight. There were people outside, families and friends of the other people. There was a lot less decorum this time; everyone departed in a formless crowd, running to the people they recognized. Cooper stepped out slowly, carefully scanning the clusters of people.

I’m sorry. He was a good man. I only hope I’m half the pilot he is…

His heart caught in his throat.

He’d seen Cassie’s picture once. It was an older picture, but she hadn’t changed too much since it had been taken. She was standing next to a blond woman in a technician’s jumpsuit. Cassie looked right past Cooper as she scanned the crowds; the blond woman looked right at him.

She knows. Cassie doesn’t. So he would be the one to break the news to her. Cooper swallowed hard as he approached. Cassie finally noticed him as he got closer, then noticed what he was holding.

“I’m sorry…” Cooper croaked out.

“No,” Cassie interrupted. “No.” There were tears in her eyes immediately; when the blond woman tried to rest a comforting hand on her shoulder, Cassie shook it off and bolted.

Do I go after her? What should I do? Cooper looked helplessly at the woman Cassie was with, but she was frozen, too, her eyes shut tightly. “I’m sorry,” Cooper repeated.

“It’s not your fault.” The woman shook her head. “I should go after her. I was hoping to have a word, but it can wait.”

She must have been the woman from R&D that Briggs had mentioned. Cooper was glad she wasn’t going to try and go through with the meeting. He didn’t have it in him to talk right now. “That’s fine,” he managed to choke out, though he wasn’t sure she heard. She was already jogging in the same direction as Cassie.

That was that, Cooper supposed. Some homecoming.

Someone approached him. “You okay?” Briggs asked.

He wasn’t.

“Can I go?” Cooper asked.  It wasn’t very professional, but he couldn’t be there anymore.

“Of course. We’ll send you your room assignment. Do what you have to.”

Cooper nodded and walked off, hugging Lastimosa’s gear to his chest. He didn’t think he’d be able to talk, but all he could think about was seeing Alicia. Just having someone around who really knew him.

He didn’t want to be Jack Cooper, freshly minted pilot and hero. He just wanted to be Jack.

.

Alicia was able to give him very clear instructions on how to get to employee parking. She was already there when Jack arrived, standing next to a motorbike. She hadn’t changed all that much since he’d seen her last. Cooper knew she’d cut her hair, but she’d worn it up all the time back on Persephone, so he didn’t really notice a difference. It was a relief to see that at least one of them hadn’t changed. “This is all I’ve got,” she said apologetically. “Are you okay to ride double, or do you want me to find something else?”

Cooper had hoped he’d be up for talking when he saw her again, but no dice. Alicia caught on quickly, though. “Right hand for bike, left hand for other?” she offered. Cooper raised his right hand. “Cool. Hop on.”

If he closed his eyes, he could almost pretend they were home, sharing a ride because the other person’s bike had broken down or another family member needed it. He allowed himself to dwell in that fantasy while the ride lasted, to imagine that he could smell the crops and hear harvesting machines off in the distance. He was almost hesitant to open his eyes when the bike stopped, but what he saw when he did wasn’t awful. It looked like a public garden, one not too occupied, either. It wasn’t home, but he could work with it.

Alicia led him to an isolated corner near a fountain. They sat together on a bench, staring out over a sea of green and brightly-colored flowers. The temperature here really was good for growing, Cooper noticed. If he’d been in a better headspace, he probably would’ve tried to identify some of the plants in sight. All he could do now was appreciate that they were still there.

“You don’t have to say anything,” Alicia said, “and I’ll be quiet if that’s what you need. But I’m really glad you’re okay, Jack.”

Cooper nodded. He kept his arms wrapped tightly around himself and closed his eyes. He let the quiet and the presence of his friend settle over him. He couldn’t say that he felt peaceful, but he slowly started to feel better than he had. Eventually, he was able to speak.

“I can’t talk about it yet.”

Alicia nodded. “That’s fine. Whenever you’re ready.”

“Some of it might be confidential. Have to worry about that now.”

“Well, that sucks.”

“Hmm.”

“You’re pretty good at keeping secrets, at least. Are you hungry yet?”

Cooper took a deep breath and carefully considered the question. “Not yet. Might have to force something. I can’t…actually remember when I ate last.”

“I can make congee. Show you my place. It’s not a bad little apartment, all things considered. Bigger than my room at home, that’s for sure.”

“Yeah. I’d like that.” He could probably handle congee. “Might fall asleep on your couch.”

“You won’t. It’s an awful couch. Trust me. You’d be better off on the floor.”

He’d fall asleep on a pile of rocks at this point. Anything to make the aching feeling in his body go away.

“You’re not alone anymore, Jack,” Alicia added. “You’ve got me now, too. Just…try to remember that.”

He was glad she hadn’t said like before. Nothing about this situation was like the good old days. They could never go back…and honestly, the good old days hadn’t been that good since he was a kid.

But he’d take any improvement he could get. Especially since it involved her.

Chapter 5

Cooper woke up from a dead sleep, but he couldn’t figure out why.

His phone was chirping somewhere, but he didn’t think that was the cause; the volume was too low for even his sensitive hearing. He didn’t think it was a nightmare, either. All he could remember was a light flickering somewhere, like a candle during a power outage, but his room was completely dark. Blackout curtains and everything.

Must’ve been a dream, he thought, though a gnawing feeling in his gut said it was something else. He shook the feeling off and picked up his phone. He had an alert that he needed to check into base by 11 a.m. The comparatively late check-in time and the low urgency flag said this wasn’t anything too official. Probably just a quick check-in before he went back on leave. And it will be good to get out of here, Cooper told himself. Even if it’s just for a little while. You can’t spend all day inside in the dark.

He knew that objectively. Only objectively. His exhausted, battle-battered brain still thought that was a great idea.

Cooper pushed himself up slowly. He was in his own assigned housing, but the layout was almost identical to Alicia’s place. Prefabricated, if he had to guess. He had ended up falling asleep on her couch temporarily before dinner (she wasn’t lying about it being uncomfortable, but he hadn’t been lying about taking a pile of rocks at that point), and she’d walked him back. Made him promise that he’d check in with her tomorrow. I’m working with spreadsheets, Jack. I can stop for five seconds to take a call.

It was strange to think that she was involved in the same war as him, doing something just as important, but without any of the life or death worries that he had. He was glad, though. He’d rather she be somewhere safe.

Cooper had barely managed to get showered before he got in bed, so when he flipped the bedside lamp on, he was greeted by his stuff, still in his duffle bag and one box, piled up on one wall. The total sum of the things he’d been able to bring with him into the militia, brought in from the ship or his old quarters. He’d have to unpack at some point. That felt just as daunting as going out and speaking to people.

Pick something small. Something you can’t possibly fail at. Brushing his teeth seemed like a good place to start. Just one small task at a time.

He was able to one small task himself all the way to heating up leftovers Alicia had forced him to take (and don’t you dare say I’m turning into my mother, Jack Cooper, I am already aware). He sat down on the floor with his plate and stared at the food.

He was still alive. Somehow, he’d come out the other side alive, when so many hadn’t.

It didn’t quite feel real.

His phone chirped again. When he checked it, he saw a text from Alicia, just a simple question mark. He replied with (-_-). Fortunately, she knew him well enough to interpret the emoji.

Lunch? she asked.

Cooper glanced at the time and winced. He was basically having leftovers for brunch as it was. Dinner better, he replied. Alicia replied with a thumbs up, and that was that.

At least he’d have that to look forward to.

.

The Militia’s headquarters on Harmony had some of the clearest signage he’d ever seen, and thank God for it. On a day like today, asking for directions was going to take more out of him than he had to spare. Seeing Commander Briggs waiting for him by the meeting room door was a mental hit as it was.

“Thanks for coming in,” she said. “Cassandra wants to talk today, if you’re up for that.”

Oh. Honestly, he didn’t know, but he knew he had to try. She deserved answers, no matter how painful they were. “I’ll do what I can,” Cooper said. He hoped his voice didn’t shake too badly. “Anything I should know about her? Lastimosa talked about her sometimes, but I’ve never met her personally.”

“She’s…a bit intense sometimes, but it’s nothing personal. She feels things pretty strongly. That’s why she ran the other day. I doubt she blames you.”

Cooper hoped not. He wasn’t sure he could handle seeing that blame in her eyes.

“The head of R&D is there, too. Doctor DePaul. She and Lastimosa were close, so she’s mostly there for emotional support. She does still want to talk to you if you’re up for it.” That one Cooper couldn’t promise, so he just shrugged instead. “They’re ready whenever you are.”

Cooper took a deep breath. He glanced down to make sure his hands weren’t shaking, then he stepped through the door.

The two women from the day before—Cassie, who looked so much smaller than before, and Doctor DePaul, who sat with perfect posture in a chair right next to Cassie’s—sat at the table. Cooper cleared his throat quietly as he stepped in and sat down opposite from them. “Hello,” he said. “I’m…Jack Cooper. I, uh, I knew Captain Lastimosa…”

“I know,” Cassie said. Her voice was monotone, but thick in a way that said she’d already been crying today. “Uncle Tai told me about you. He said you were a good guy.” She wouldn’t look directly at him, which was a relief in a way. If anyone had tried to make direct eye contact with him, he probably would’ve died on the spot. “Can you tell me what happened to them? What actually happened? I need to know.”

Cooper glanced at Briggs, unsure if any of the mission was classified enough to leave out. Briggs just nodded in response. Cooper decided to take that as a go-ahead to say everything, because he was too tired to try and read any other meaning into it. He told Cassie what happened to her uncle and BT—just the facts, no embellishments. It was how he would want to hear the news, and the only way he could really bear to tell her. Cassie stayed quiet throughout, her only reaction being a silent flow of tears and fists that clenched tighter and tighter the more Cooper talked.

A heavy silence settled over them as Cooper finished talking. “But it all worked, right?” Cassie said finally. “The mission was accomplished?”

“It was,” Cooper said. He could say that much: Harmony was safe, the Ark destroyed, and they’d definitely set the IMC back in manpower and research. Their deaths hadn’t been for nothing. “And…I’m going to do everything I can with the chances they gave me, for whatever that’s worth.”

Because they’d died protecting him, too. Not just in the service of the mission. He had to make that worth it.

“Okay,” Cassie said. She stood up shakily. “I’m gonna go now.”

Dr. DePaul half-reached for Cassie. “Will you be…?”

“Going home now,” Cassie said, a little more loudly. She didn’t look at Cooper as she left the room.

Briggs stood up immediately. “I’ll make sure she gets back okay,” she said. “You two talk.”

And with that, she was gone, leaving Cooper alone with a total stranger.

Dr. DePaul deflated slightly once Briggs left, rubbing her eyes as she slumped in her chair. “Thank you for being honest with her,” she said. “She’ll appreciate that, in time. She wasn’t trying to be rude. She…”

“It’s okay. I understand.” He was a little grateful she’d ended the conversation so decisively. No sense in stretching things out. “I’m, uhm…Jack. Pilot Jack Cooper.” He didn’t actually know what his rank was now. He’d never been given an official one during the fight, just a title change from Rifleman to Pilot. Even that was a lot to take in. “Dr. DePaul, right?”

Dr. DePaul nodded. “I was hoping to ask you some questions about BT, if you’re able,” she said. “It’s standard post-mission debrief for the Vanguards.”

Oh. He didn’t know about that. The thought of answering questions about BT made him feel nauseous. “What kind of questions?” he said. “I have, uhm…book knowledge of how the Titans work, but BT was my first Titan.”

First, but not his only. There’d have to be another Titan if he wanted to keep fighting. He didn’t like the thought of that at all.

“Just supply whatever information you can. We’re trying to understand how long-term activation affects…” Dr. DePaul hesitated, as if it had hit her that BT was gone. He’d been active just over three years, which was pretty impressive for a Titan. The militia tried to be careful with their Titans, keep them active for as long as possible, but there was really only so much you could do. BT and Lastimosa had kept going for so long…and that was over now. “…affects Vanguard behavior and effectiveness. And how they react to a change in pilots.”

I’m really sorry. I hope this isn’t too weird for you.

Cooper remembered saying that to BT at some point during their march to the ruined IMC research facility. He hadn’t been able to stop thinking about how strange it may have been for BT to suddenly be linked to a new person, a person with less fighting ability, less confidence, just…less in general.

You have nothing to be sorry for. You are not the one who killed him.

That was one thing he’d liked about talking to BT. He knew the Titan had meant every word of it, that he wasn’t just trying to be nice. He wasn’t capable of that. Cooper didn’t feel like he had to read between the lines of their every conversation. It was one of the things he’d miss the most.

Would other Titans be like that, at least?

“He was patient with me,” Cooper said finally. He clasped his hands tightly in his lap to keep from chewing on his nails; his foot ended up tapping instead. “He taught me a lot. The kind of stuff they can’t really prepare you for in advance, you know? At first, he was looking after me more than anything. We were partners by the end, I think.” Trial by fire. “I couldn’t have asked for a better Titan. Uhm, I do think he missed Lastimosa sometimes. We talked about him. He said he noticed the differences between us, and…sometimes he felt like Lastimosa should still be there even though he wasn’t. That kind of thing. It made a lot of sense to me. I can see how it wouldn’t to a lot of people, you know, but…I really think he missed Captain Lastimosa.”

“Quite a few people are going to miss Captain Lastimosa,” Dr. DePaul said quietly. “We worked together during the early days of the Vanguard project. His input was…always very insightful. He had a wonderful sense of humor.” She smiled. “I’m sure he was an excellent teacher.”

“Yeah. He was great.” She misses him, too. Of course, there would be other people outside of Captain Lastimosa’s family who’d miss him: other pilots, other people in the Militia, maybe even other Titans. This was just the first time that Cooper had directly faced that his grief wasn’t unique. That other people besides BT would understand. “He took a chance on me…not a lot of people have done that.”

He'd been nothing but a Class-3 rifleman who'd been lucky to survive an ambush and end up in Lastimosa’s company. Nothing special to most people.

Lastimosa wasn't most people.

“Can…can I ask you something?”

“Of course.”

“What are the normal parameters for protocol three? I just…I don't know.” Cooper wasn't sure why the thought of BT going above and beyond for him too terrified him so much. The thought that maybe he'd gotten both of them killed, illogical as that thought was.

Dr. DePaul must have seen the distress on his face, figured what it meant even if Cooper would never be able to articulate it in a million years. “What happened to BT is well within the parameters of his third protocol,” she said softly. “Nothing you could have said or done would have been able to convince him to change his course of action. Just…please keep that in mind. He would want you to be here.”

“...right. Yeah.” A few tears started trickling down his cheeks. He hadn't realized that he'd started crying until then. “I'm sorry, do you think we could do this some other time?”

“Of course.”

“If you send me the questions, I might be able to write everything down, that might be easier…”

“I'll do that, then.”

“Thank you, ma’am. Sorry.”

“You have nothing to be sorry for, pilot. Thank you for agreeing to help.”

Cooper barely managed a you're welcome before getting up and walking out the door. He kept going, out the building and into the harsh light of day, and no one tried to stop him.

Notes:

Fun fact, I wrote the last chunk of this on my phone in between sets at the gym. Feels right. Feels like what Cooper would want.

Notes:

Title and description lyrics taken from "This Week the Trend" by Relient K (this is me pushing my "'Mmmhmm' is the best pop punk album ever made" agenda, for the record). I'm on tumblr as screechthemighty, or you can follow respawncinematicuniverse if you don't want to trust the whims of tumblr's tagging system.

Series this work belongs to:

• Part 6 of One is Quick, the Other's Tall
• Part 6 of Respawn Cinematic Universe