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So, as far as Loop understands it, the story went a little like this:
After breaking out of the timeloop, Siffrin and their family decided to go traveling. Their first stop was Bambouche to reunite Bonnie and Nille, who happily joined their merry band. Then it was up in the air where they should go next, so everyone pitched in and suggested ideas.
It was over the course of this conversation that Siffrin expressed a tentative desire to learn more about their country.
Everyone was ready to leap feet first into saving his homeland, Saviors-of-Vaugarde style, but Siffrin himself was hesitant to commit so heavily to the project. The King’s inability to let it go nearly froze all of Vaugarde, and they didn’t want to get stuck in that kind of obsession. So, rather than making the research their main priority, Siffrin’s family decided to simply keep an open eye and open ears. The House in Dormont had a surprising amount of information hidden in its walls, after all– other Houses might have similar resources.
And indeed, the House in Bambouche had something interesting: a book about Astral Beings. People who had become conduits for Wish Craft, much like the King and Siffrin had. It confirmed many of Odile’s suspicions, such as why using that power made the user’s bodies physically bigger, but still left many questions unanswered.
So, everyone decided to try to contact a firsthand source, and tried to call Loop again.
The thing about the call sign Loop taught them was it worked by wanting to speak with them. Which begged the question… was the call sign a Wish Craft ritual? A very, very specific one? And if six people performed it at once, all trying and believing very hard, would it work to re-establish contact they had lost?
Apparently, yes. Even through the nothingness Loop had faded into, everyone’s wishes managed to reach through and pull them back.
So. Loop is traveling with everyone again now. And even though they don’t actually have any more helpful knowledge about Wish Craft or other astral beings, everyone’s letting them stick around anyways. Siffrin has, mercifully, not revealed their true identity to anybody else yet, and they’re settling in awkwardly with their new one.
It’s been a couple weeks since they all left Bambouche now; they’re currently en route to Jouvente so Isabeau can tie up some loose ends there. Loop is trying to make themself useful by double checking some of the resources Odile had saved, looking for anything vaguely familiar. It’s boring, tedious work, and they haven’t had any luck yet, but it’s better than doing nothing. Even Odile seems to be tiring of it now, though, so when she speaks up, the distraction is welcome.
“So… are we ever going to talk about your condition?” she asks.
“I’m a star, Researcher,” Loop teases, “I thought you knew that.”
“Ha. Ha. Yes, I did,” she shakes her head, “I meant your height.”
“My height?”
“You’ve been shrinking,” Odile informs them, “You didn’t notice?”
They did not! Loop blinks in alarm, then pauses, recognizing the prank, “I’m not actually , am I?”
Odile pauses just long enough for them to be convinced they were right, but then shakes her head, “I’m afraid not. I only noticed recently, myself. The… shining makes it hard to tell. You used to be taller than Isabeau though, that I’m sure of. And now…” she gestures between the top of her own head and Loop’s. They’re the same height.
… This is terrible. Their height was the one thing they had over Siffrin. Are they going to shrink any more than this?
“Frankly, I’m concerned,” Odile sighs, “I know you aren’t comfortable with sharing your history, or how you became this way, but your body… it’s completely made of Wish Craft, isn’t it? Or… powered, by it?”
Loop nods slowly, “That’s the running theory, yes.”
“So…” Odile frowns deeply, crossing her arms. Some distance is necessary when discussing a topic of this weight, perhaps, “When we defeated the King, he got smaller when the Wish Craft left him. When we defeated Siffrin, they got smaller when the Wish Craft left him. So if you’re getting smaller, it stands to reason…”
“The Wish Craft is leaving me?” Loop ventures, fiddling with their fingers. Not for the first time, they miss the cover of their old cloak, and how it disguised their nervous fidgeting.
“I wouldn’t be worried,” Odile continues, “Siffrin was fine after losing their Wish Craft, after all. Except that if you’re actually, physically made of the stuff by now, then It’s not unreasonable to worry that you might just…”
“Fade away completely?” Loop finishes, helpfully, again. Yeesh, Odile is really leaving them all the heavy lifting today!
Her frown only deepens further.
“Oh don’t look so glum, Researcher! You look like I told you I was dying!”
“You… implied it rather heavily.”
“No, no! At least, I don’t think so. If anything happens, most likely I’ll just… lose my tether here again, and go home.” Probably, Loop thinks.
“Home?” Odile purses her lips, digesting this information, “You gave us reason to believe you were from the same place as Siffrin.”
“I am, but…” not the same timeline. Loop shakes their head, “It’s not important.”
“It sounds important given that your country’s the subject of our current research project, and apparently has ties to your physical well-being.”
“I don’t mean home as in Our country,” Loop groaned, folding in on themself further, “Just… home. The conceptual place that I came from.”
“That you don’t remember.”
There’s a beat of silence, then Loop gives a bright “Yes!”
Odile looks at them for a long moment. “Please understand why I’m not exactly confident you’re being honest about what’s going on. Loop ,” she calls, as they’ve already begun to turn away, “You may be a new addition to our group here, but we want to take care of you. If something is happening to you, we want to help. We already let the world almost end because we weren’t paying enough attention to how our friends were doing. And like it or not, you’re one of us now. So please don’t lie to me. Are you going to be okay?”
Loop stares at the face of their dear friend, twisted with worry, and sighs. They force out a slow, honest, “I don’t know.”
—
The crew’s research into Wish Craft gains a new dimension of import when it’s revealed that Loop Is Losing Wish Craft (And They May Possibly Need That To Live? Unclear–) but it’s still just a series of dead ends. Their current quick-fix solution is everyone crowding around Loop and doing the call sign ritual again, but it doesn’t seem to be making much of a difference– and, though Loop would never tell them all this, it gives them a killer migraine. Mirabelle’s been trying some healing spells, but they haven’t been doing much either. She looks more and more upset every time she tries.
Siffrin is still the only one who can read what the crew have affectionately dubbed Headache Language… and even that only when they have Memory of Memories, which is getting harder to find each time they unequip it. Because of this, he’s taken it upon himself to pore over every text they could find– but between the fog surrounding their country’s history and the inconsistency of Wish Craft itself, they haven’t found anything, even with Madame Odile’s help. Loop knows this because they’ve been spying on the pair through Siffrin’s eyes. It frightens them a little, how determined their twin traveler is to keep them around. They don’t think they’d feel similarly if their roles were reversed.
… Another difference between the two of them. Another reminder they’re actually the Worse Siffrin. The Siffrin who couldn’t make it.
The Siffrin who left their friends behind in a timeline of misery.
But it’s fine, it’s fine. They’re all gone now. Loop’s what’s left. And it is… nice, to be welcomed and cared for by these people who are so familiar to them.
But everyone can be a bit overbearing, which is why Loop is hanging out with Bonnie and Nille right now– Bonnie was the perfect shield for any fussing about their potential death, and getting to hang out with Nille was always novel. They’re currently lounging across a couple kitchen chairs, while Bonnie shows off some of the Poterian recipes they learned while traveling. Nille is cleaning up after them while they work and visibly trying to restrain herself from correcting their technique, which makes Loop smile. Nille is still struggling to accept how much Bonnie’s grown since she was frozen, but she’s giving her all to support them. And Bonnie has really become such a talented chef.
Unfortunately Nille starts redirecting her anxious energy towards Loop, “You could help, you know.”
“I am helping!” Loop cheers, helpfully, “Moral support! Go, Kid, that sauce already smells amazing!” they clap. Nille throws a towel at them, which only makes them laugh.
Their comment makes Bonnie stop a moment, though, “Hey, Loop?” they ask.
“Hmm?”
“How do you smell?”
Loop grins invisibly, “Like sugar, sweetie~”
That makes Nille snort and Bonnie groan, “You know what I mean! You don’t have a nose!”
“Bonnie,” Nille admonishes gently, “I know Mira talked to you about asking Loop those kind of questions.”
“Yea but adults tell me dumb stuff sometimes. Like how they told me not to touch Frin but Frin likes touch, just not unexpectedly, like you!”
“It’s still not very polite to ask people how their body works–”
“I don’t mind, actually,” Loop interrupts, so “But to be honest with you, I don’t actually know! I just can.”
“Hmf,” Bonnie frowns, staring over at them. The sauce they were making is ready to simmer, so they set down their spoon and hop off their stepstool to get closer to Loop. Bonnie leans much farther into their personal space than Loop was anticipating, and they reflexively lean back–
“Mouth!” Bonnie shouts, pointing at their face. Loop reflexively covers where their mouth used to be and
feels
lips?
“MOUTH!!!” Bonnie repeats, “You have a mouth! I couldn’t see it before because you were shining so much but you definitely have a mouth so you probably have a nose too! And that’s how you smell!”
“Bonnie, get out of their face!” Nille yanks Bonnie back by the back of their shirt, giving Loop some much needed space to process this revelation.
Did
Did they always have a physical mouth like this? This whole time? Did they think to check? They had to have, right? They wouldn’t have forgotten to check that?
“Alright let me see now,” Nille demands, replacing the sibling she just successfully restrained. Loop removes their hand, feeling their face stretch into an anxious grin as she examines them, “Oh! I see it too!”
“Right!” Bonnie is beaming now, “And! If you have a mouth! YOU! CAN! EAT!!!!!” and suddenly Bonnie is shoving a tasting spoon of tomato sauce in their face, “Eat!”
Obediently, Loop leans forward and closes their mouth (!?) around the spoon. The tangy flavor sparkles across their tongue. Their senses narrow to just this moment, the first sensation of taste they’ve had since transmigrating here, and they fail to stop themself from the embarassing
“UWAAAH SO GOOD!”
that escapes them.
Bonnie and Nille don’t tease them for it, though. Instead, they’re both grinning so wide as to split their faces, and immediately start piling snacks from all over the kitchen on the table in front of Loop.
“That’s why you’re shrinking! You haven’t had enough food to help you stay big!” Bonnie stacks more and more mouth watering snacks in front of them, “So eat! Eat!!! Nille and I will make you nice big delicious meals so you’ll be back to normal in no time!”
Loop makes a valiant effort to savor the snacks they’ve been offered, but can’t help devouring them all as soon as they’re put under their face. Eating feels so nice , not only the taste but the way chewing lights up muscles they forgot they had , the sounds the textures the sensations! Why didn’t they realize they were this hungry? How many meals did they miss because they didn’t realize they could partake?
Bonnie goes back to cooking then, beaming with pride from every pore. It takes Loop a while to chew through the veritable mountain of snacks the siblings left them, but when they finish they get up and finally help Nille with cleanup duty. She smiles at them, too, which catches them a bit off guard. It really was the least they could do.
—
Dinner that night is a triumphant affair. Bonnie used their delicious sauce to make a giant pizza with sectioned off toppings so everyone could get their favorites, and for the first time since rejoining their party Loop is with them at the table. Bonnie triumphantly recounts their discovery, which seems to dispel the frantic and worried mood everyone’s had around Loop of late. Only makes sense, they figure. As long as there’s paths to follow, you can keep your spirits up.
“It makes sense,” Siffrin surprises everyone by speaking, “In the loops I was really hungry, even if I ate.”
“Really?” Isabeau blinks over at Siffrin, “I don’t think you’ve mentioned that.”
That’s news to Loop, too. Was… it the same for them? Were they hungry?
(For some reason, they think of tiny, sticky hands pressing a napkin-wrapped something into their own)
While they are privately having their crisis, Siffrin is floundering, realizing he’s made himself the center of attention, “I, uh, didn’t notice it until a bit after the loops ended, that it was taking way less to make me feel full. So, maybe it’s similar with Loop?”
“That makes sense,” Odile hums, theorycrafting already, “Time Craft is supposed to take up so much energy that using it would kill you. You were making up for that with the energy of the entire country of Vaugarde’s Wish Craft, but it was still probably taking a huge toll on your body and metabolism.”
“Met-ah-bowl-ism is… how good you digest stuff, right?” Bonnie asks.
“Look at you with the ten silver words!” Nille praises, ruffling Bonnie’s hair. They give her a good natured shove away.
“To answer your question, Boniface, yes, that’s basically it,” Odile grins, “Good job. But Loop,” and now it is Loop’s turn to shrink under the weight of everyone’s gaze, “Even though you aren’t using Time Craft right now, there might be a similar energy cost for Wish Craft alone. Plus, I’d imagine it’d take a lot of calories to emit so much light…”
“Oh, Loop!” Mirabelle worries, “Why didn’t you tell us you were hungry before? I’m sure Bonnie would have been happy to offer some snacks!” she looks over to Bonnie to prove her point, and notices Nille there too, “And Nille!”
Nille gives a wry smile, “Happy to be included.”
“Sorry! Sorry!” Mira flusters, but rather than letting the faux pas distract her, as Loop hoped, she turns back to them, “But! You know what I mean!”
Loop doesn’t have a good answer, and smiles awkwardly as they try to fumble for one.
“They didn’t even know they had a mouth! How were they supposedta know they could eat?” Bonnie comes to their rescue in the worst way possible.
Now everyone is staring at them, faces twisted with incredulity and worry.
Oh, the humanity. Oh, the humiliation… Now everybody knows they forgot they had a mouth.
“Loop.” Siffrin is the first to speak up, giving them the most sympathetic, awful, pitying look. They refuse to look at him, “Did you forget to–”
“YesIforgottocheckifIhadamouth!!!” they growl out, because at least if they say it, Siffrin won’t.
That just made everyone look more worried. Siffrin puts their glove to their lips and Loop can tell he’s trying to commit his own mouth to memory.
… They put a Memory of Mouth in his inventory. Just to spite them.
Wait, huh, that’s, equipable to them?
[When equipped, Memory of Mouth makes Loop better at articulating their needs and desires to their friends!]
OH STARS THEY JUST BEAMED THAT INTO SIFFRIN’S HEAD– and he’s already equipped that to them, smiling mischievously. Humiliating. Humiliating. They unequip it immediately. Siffrin laughs at them, the traitor.
“Siffrin!” Mirabelle admonishes, “Don’t be rude!”
“Honestly, you’d think you of all people would be sympathetic to a faulty memory,” Odile quips.
“Yea Stardust,” Loop clutches their chest dramatically, glad for the chance at a recovery, “You’re breaking my heart over here!”
Siffrin glares at them. “I’m. Very. Sorry. Loop,” they grit out, then re-equip the memory.
“All is forgiven!” Loop beams, unequipping it again.
“Aww, reconciliation!” Isabeau coos, then sniffs, “I’m so proud of you both.”
Loop watches Siffrin take a deep breath, and remind themself that he loves this man.
“Seriously, though, I’m really glad you figured this out,” Isabeau smiles over at them, and Loop realizes they need to redirect his attention immediately.
“It’s all thanks to the Kid!” they gesture over to Bonnie.
“Th-that’s right!” Bonnie crosses their arms triumphantly, “Everyone say ‘Thank you Snack Leader Bonnie Sir!’”
“THANK YOU SNACK LEADER BONNIE SIR!--” “-- thank you, Boniface–” “Thanks Bonbon!”
“Heh,” Bonnie sniffs, “All because you silly adults just don’t ask each other things. OH,” they snap their fingers, then point at Loop, “LOOP!”
“Me?”
“WHAT IS IT LIKE TO GLOW?” Bonnie demands, and all the other adults immediately freeze up.
“Loop you don’t have to answer–” Mirabelle rushes, but Loop cuts her off.
“No, it’s alright! It doesn’t feel that different, just…” they hug themself and think for a moment.
“Just?” Bonnie leans in.
“Well…”
“Well!?” their eyes are sparkling.
“Since I’ve started glowing, I’ve maybe felt a little… smarter?”
“Oh no,” Nille pinches her brow.
“Wh– how the crab would glowing make you smarter? ”
“Isn’t it obvious?” Loop beams, “I’m brighter than ever, now!”
The chorus of groans and cheers and Loop receives in response almost makes it all worth it.
—
The food doesn’t seem to help– at least not with the shrinking problem. Loop already lost a couple more inches. But eating is amazing, and their enthusiasm for it boosts Bonnie’s confidence, so Loop continues to enjoy it.
The crew also learns that Loop can sleep now, when Odile finds them passed out over the kitchen counter. So it’s possible they didn’t actually forget they had a mouth, and are just regaining human needs as part of their body’s last ditch attempt to make up for whatever Craft they’re losing.
Loop can’t bring themself to be mad about it, though. It feels so nice to eat, to sleep again. They missed naps. Once upon a time Loop seriously thought that not having to go through the loops themself was restful; turns out, rest is restful. Who knew! And all at the cost of a few centimeters. And they still aren’t nearly as short as they were before!
Unfortunately they don’t stop shining in their sleep, which is a problem for everyone’s typical communal sleeping arrangement. Isabeau has taken it upon himself to remedy this, which is why he is currently fitting them for some jammies.
“It’s not that I mind a night-light,” he mumbles, pins in his mouth as he sizes up the current fit– honestly, it’s impressive how quickly he managed to put this together, especially given Loop’s fluctuating size– “But you’re a bit too bright, y’know? But hopefully this will help.”
He tacks a seam in closer, and his hand brushes their shoulder. They flinch, despite their best efforts, and he pauses, “Ah, should I–”
“You’re fine, Fighter,” Loop stops him before he can get too anxious, “Just still not used to it. You can keep going.”
He seems to melt with relief, and finishes pinning the seam he was looking at. Loop notices it does drape much more comfortably over their shoulder now. They shimmy their arm back and forth to test it.
“Ah, be careful, the pins!”
“Ah! Sorry,” Loop freezes back in place, and Isabeau inspects the damage.
“No harm done,” Isabeau sighs with relief, “Alright, how’s that feel?”
“Really good, actually!” Loop praises, because it’s true, “You’re really good at this.”
“D’awww, shucks,” Isabeau waves his hand, “You’re just saying that cause I’m making you this for free~”
“No, I mean it. Thank you, Isabeau.”
The big guy smiles so much he almost tears up, “Aw, well– thank you! You can go ahead and strip, and I’ll get sewing.”
Loop divests themself, and tries not to feel awkward about the fact that they’ve technically been naked all this time. It was just kind of how they got… deposited in this timeline, and they didn’t have anything to cover anymore, so they didn’t mind it. But now that clothes were presented as an option… It feels weird.
Isabeau takes the nightgown and starts working. He has a cool little handheld sewing machine powered by Craft, and watching the mechanism work is almost hypnotic. Which gives Loop time to reflect on their previous conversation, and his comment about doing this for free. “Wait, did you want me to pay you though? I can figure something out–” they start, and Isa starts laughing.
“No, no, don’t worry about it,” he pauses, “Actually, wait, there is one thing you could do for me.”
“Whad’ya need?”
“You could keep calling me Isabeau.”
Loop’s chest freezes over, “What?”
“Just,” Isabeau hums, “That’s the first time I think I’ve heard you call me by name. You always just call us titles, like ‘Kid’ or ‘Housemaiden’ or ‘Fighter,’” he looks up at them, and Loop suddenly feels Very Seen.
There’s a reason. Loop doesn’t use names.
These aren’t Their Friends.
This isn’t Their Family.
And if they couldn’t remember their own party’s names they shouldn’t get to remember these–
Their prolonged silence saps the mirth from the Fighter’s smile, and he sighs, “You don’t have to, I would just… appreciate it.”
Oh, he looks so sad now. They managed to make the actual epitome of sunshine sad.
Is a shitty defense mechanism worth making him sad?
Loop twists their fingers. The ice still sits in their chest, but they try again to breathe in, and out. “I’ll… try.”
That brings back his smile, a little, “That’s all I can ask for. And hey,” he finishes up the seam he was working on, “I’d also settle for you talking to us about why you have a hard time with it? I mean, when you’re comfortable.”
“I’ll… I’ll think about it,” Loop sighs. Blinding observant people. What on earth possessed them to make them call him Isabeau?
WAIT DID SIFFRIN EQUIP THE BLINDING MEMORY AGAIN–
Furiously, they re-equip their Memory of Self. Much better. Less urges to do embarrassing things, like call people by their names.
… They realize Isabeau started talking again while they were freaking out about that. They really need to pay better attention.
“--I’m really glad you liked the nightgown idea, though. I figured, hey, pants might be too big a jump from no clothes at all, and would probably hold up better if you, y’know, change sizes again. N-not that it would be a bad thing!” Isabeau quickly clarifies, “And, um, if I did this right, it shouldn’t be a problem anyways.”
He’s taking such care just to make sure Loop is comfortable, “I’m sure you’re doing a great job.”
Isabeau preens, “Well! You can let me know, because,” he flourishes the nightgown out like a mighty cape, “I finished!”
“Wow, already?” Loop grabs the fabric, holding the finished garment out in front of themself. It certainly looks like the right size.
“Try it on! I wanna see if it looks as good sewn as it did pinned.”
Loop laughs, and pulls the nightgown over their head. It… huh. It feels oddly familiar? They grab the cuff of the sleeve, trying to place the feeling exactly. It’s a different fabric than their old clothes, so how..?
“Um,” Isabeau taps his fingers nervously, “Siffrin let me borrow their cloak to um, study? So I could try to replicate the Craft stitching. I- I didn’t do the temperature regulation though, since it was my first time I thought it would be best to focus on one Crafted spell. So I just went for the size fluctuation? If I did it right, it should shrink so it’ll still fit you if you shrink any more, and grow with you if you get bigger again. And– LOOP?”
Huh.
They’re crying, aren’t they?
This is so nice.
They go to wipe their face on their sleeve, but stop, not wanting to ruin Isabeau’s beautiful work with their tears, and use their hands instead. Isabeau is keeping a respectful, worried distance, but finally comes in closer, “Loop, can I… touch you?”
They want to say no. They should say no. But they’re feeling so, so much right now, and a big crushing hug from a big soft man sounds like it could fix them, maybe? So before they can think better of it they’re nodding and leaning in, and he’s wrapping them up in a big hug and it feels so good and they’re crying even harder now.
How do these people have so much love to give they could waste it on Loop?
After a few moments, they regain their breath, and withdraw back from the hug. Isa gives them one last clap on the shoulder, and they try not to laugh. “Thank you,” they choke out, face still wet with tears, “Thank you. This is wonderful.”
Isabeau grins, “You could even say it’s… stellar ?” Loop barks a watery laugh, which Isa heartily joins. “You like it? I’ve been brainstorming with Sif for good star puns. Just you wait, I’ll have even better material soon!”
“Just let em come naturally,” Loop giggles, “You can’t just planet out.”
Isa’s laugh is a little more forced at that one, and Loop can tell that he didn’t quite get it. But it’s sweet that he tries. He’s always trying.
—
It still feels like they’re throwing spaghetti at the wall with Loop’s treatments, but everyone agrees going to the Favor Tree while they’re in Jouvente is probably a good idea. Odile has a new theory that Loop may have been absorbing ambient Wish Craft while waiting under the tree in Dormont during the loops, and it’s worth at least testing out.
There’s also a split vote on whether they should try to use Wish Craft themselves at the Favor Tree, to heal Loop once and for all. Isabeau, Mirabelle, Odile and Bonnie all think they should.
Nille is the only person here with any sense. Having learned that this type of craft almost broke the world twice (and maybe a secret third time nobody can remember), she announced that it wasn’t worth the risk.
Because it certainly would be a risk. Especially now that everyone knows the correct ritual, the power of this dangerous Craft is directly in their hands, and this is the kind of power that destroys countries. Siffrin didn’t intentionally trap anyone in those loops– he ‘wished’ for something completely innocent. But if you go in without a full sense of clarity, if any other thoughts or secret desires sneak in while you try to make your wish, it could all go wrong.
And when Loop thinks about the thoughts everyone might have about them at this point… they could certainly see it going wrong. They’d rather this simple death by attrition– if it is, even, a death that awaits them– than facing whatever horrible wish could be waiting for them.
That’s why it surprised them that Siffrin was undecided on this matter.
Of everyone, they really expected Siffrin to take their side on this. They know, after all, what could happen. He lived it. And yet, they’re willing to let it all possibly happen again.
So Loop is mad at him, a little bit, and avoiding them, a little bit. This is made trivially easy by their sponsor ability to know where Siffrin is at all times.
Unfortunately they do not have similar abilities for the other members of their party, which is probably how Mirabelle manages to sneak up on them. Or, well, ‘sneak up on’ is a strong term for it; she marched right up to them while they were collecting water (they could be helpful, sometimes!), hands folded, hyping herself up under her breath to work up her courage.
“Loop,” she finally begins, “Do you not want to be here with us?”
Her question is so out of left field they nearly drop their canteen in the river. “What?”
“I just…” she dithers, “I know when we summoned you, it um, wasn’t your choice? We just brought you here, without your consent. And now you’re shrinking and possibly fading because you’re here and not wherever you were , and Odile said you thought the fading might take you home?” Mirabelle lowers her hands, “Do you want to go home, Loop?”
Loop doesn’t know how to answer that. Home. Is home their original timeline, still? Is home the state of nothingness they faded into after their first confrontation with Siffrin, before everyone decided it was a good idea to bring them back? Is it the place neither they nor Siffrin can remember? Is that their home?
Is it this caravan, these tents, these Houses in between, and this family of people?
As their silence continues, Mirabelle looks away, “I’m sorry. I know that’s a loaded question for you, I just…” she takes a deep breath, “I’m trying to be better about telling people things when I’m feeling them. So! I want you to know that we want you here, Loop! You’ve done so much for us, and we like having you around, b-but! If you want to, or you need to leave! We’ll understand! We’ll be sad but we’ll understand!”
It’s still difficult for Loop to think of anything– any right thing– to say, which… stars , that’s supposed to be part of the whole “Loop” persona! Loop the Chatterbox! They haven’t been doing a good job at playing their role at all, but Mirabelle is still looking at them and waiting for an answer, so they panic:
“Of course I want to stay with all of you!”
Mira’s shoulders slump with relief, “Oh,” she smiles, “That’s good, then. So, you aren’t upset that we summoned you? Against your will?”
Loop shakes their head vehemently, “Not at all! Maiden, I’m glad you summoned me. Where did you even get the idea I was upset?”
“Just,” Mirabelle wrings her hands, “You’ve always been kind of, distant? You don’t call anyone by their names, and it kind of seemed sometimes like you were avoiding me? Specifically?”
Loop tenses. She’s not exactly wrong, is the thing. It can be painful, spending time with any of them, but… Mirabelle in particular reopens some deep wounds. There would always be some part of them that wants to protect her, support her, earn her approval; and a part of them that knows, whatever this iteration of her thinks, that they’ve already utterly failed.
“Ah. You were,” she frowns. They cringe with their whole body. They made Mirabelle upset!!!
“It isn’t… just you,” they finally confess, “It’s just… You remind me of an old friend,” they twist their fingers, already feeling raw from the admission, “A friend I lost.”
“Oh!” Mirabelle looks horrified, “I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to bring back sad memories–”
“It’s alright,” Loop interrupts before Mira can spiral, “It’s not your fault.”
They turn to look out at the river, then, and Mirabelle follows their gaze. They notice, idly, that they’re about the same height as her now. At least they don’t need heels for it.
After a moment they both sit down, then Mirabelle speaks up again, “What were they like?”
“Hm?” Loop asks, still lost in thought.
“Your friend.”
“Oh,” Loop thinks, then, in an act of great bravery, boops Mirabelle on her nose, “She was just like you, Housemaiden.” She scrunches up her face, pouting.
“I doubt she was just like me.”
“You’d be surprised,” Loop laughs.
Mirabelle looks rather upset at that. Oh, no, wait, is implying similarity like that offensive to the Change belief, or something? Loop’s about to correct themself, but she speaks, “Oh. Oh! Did you, do you mean Past Loop Mirabelle? Was there a loop, or some loops, where you and I were close friends?”
Woah, was she always this observant? “I… yeah. You got it, Maiden.”
Mirabelle’s expression softens, “And it’s hard for you to be around me, because I can’t remember those times.”
“I don’t want you to remember those times!” they interject, “They weren’t… good times.”
“But they were important to you. They Changed you,” Mirabelle insists, “And now, you’ve Changed alone.”
“I… suppose so,” Loop frowns. They don’t enjoy the thought, because they never wanted to change. It feels like a betrayal of what precious few memories they had.
Then again, they sacrificed plenty more of those to the churning of endless timeloops, so maybe they were never really loyal to those memories anyways.
Mirabelle sighs, straightening her skirt, “Change… Doesn’t always happen for the better.”
Loop flinches like they’ve been stabbed.
“B-but! Hear me out, okay!” Loop tries to breathe and calm down while Mirabelle speaks, “We don’t always get to choose to change on our own terms. Sometimes, we get dealt a bad hand, and a person or a situation hurts us, and we lose something important.”
Loop nods, trying not to cry. They already cried in front of Isabeau, they can’t in front of Mirabelle. But she’s right. They’ve lost so much.
“But!” she continues, “The thing about Change is! You can always Change again! Just because you’ve lost something doesn’t mean it will be gone forever! And… even if it is, it doesn’t mean you’ll never gain anything better! Like– like our friendship!” she grasps their hands, holding firm as the contact makes them twitch, “I want to be your friend again, Loop!”
Oh. They are crying now. They nod frantically, because they don’t think they can speak. Mirabelle beams, and squeezes their hands in hers, which sends pleasant static through their whole body and just makes them cry harder.
“And, um, we’ll figure out these changes you’ve been going through now, too! So you can stay with us. From now on you’ll get a say in what happens to you!”
Loop nods again, smiling beneath their shine, “That sounds really nice.”
Mira gives them one last squeeze, then lets their hands go, “And… and we won’t wish for you if that’s not what you want. But, um… I hope you’ll think about it? Whatever it takes to make sure you’re safe… we want to try.”
These people and their unbelievable kindness. “Wasted effort,” they huff under their breath.
“What?” Mirabelle recoils. Whuh oh. She must have heard them.
“I- I just,” stars, they’ve already been so honest with Mirabelle today, but they also can’t bring themself to lie, “I don’t know anything about Wish Craft?”
Mira stares at them like they’ve grown a second head.
“Isn’t that… why you called me?”
“Wh– no!!!” Mirabelle blinked, “I mean, we were curious, but we called you because we missed you!”
Huh?
“Siffrin especially! Which, makes sense, because he knew you the longest. But everyone else really wanted to thank you in person, too. You really saved us. We wouldn’t have been able to make it without your help.”
What?
“But, um, besides that, we really like you! You’re funny, which I know Siffrin and Isabeau appreciate. And you’re so good with Bonnie! Even if you are a little, um, distant sometimes, knowing you has Changed our little family for the better.”
H u h????
Mirabelle giggles at their astonished face, and Loop flusters, “What… what about the rest of you, though?”
“What about us?”
“What do I do to make you like me?”
Mirabelle scrunches up her nose again and looks at them funny, “Nothing? You don’t make us like you,” she almost looks offended at the thought, “We just do.”
Loop frowns, trying to parse this.
“Well… What about us?” Mirabelle hums, “Do we have to do anything to make you like us?”
“Of course not!” Loop starts, then thinks a moment. There are specific things they love about people, but they’re all so… fundamental. “Or well, nothing you wouldn’t want to do for yourself anyways,” they amend.
“Exactly!” Mirabelle claps, “It’s the same with you. You don’t have to do anything weird to be worthy of love.”
Something in Loop still doesn’t quite want to believe her, but they decide to let her have this one, if only because it makes her happy to be right.
“You know,” she chuckles softly, “You and Siffrin are actually really similar. I wonder why… I never really thought about that before.”
“Noooooo,” Loop groans, flopping back on the grass of the riverbank. They’re feeling very seen today. Mirabelle just shakes her head fondly at their dramatics, and stands up.
“Did you get enough water?” she asks.
“Yeah,” they’d already filled a couple jugs before she arrived, along with their canteen, which they shake her direction for proof. It sloshes.
“Alright then,” she offers them a hand up, which they haltingly take, “I’ll help you carry everything back. Let’s go.”
—
The Favor Tree in Jouvente is smaller than the one in Dormont, but it’s no less beautiful. Loop is lying under it, alone, staring at flecks of sky between the leaves, wistful to the marrow of their bones.
It’s nostalgic.
Siffrin’s approach only makes it more so. They aren’t spying on him this time, but they hear their boots crunch on the grass, and crack open a single eye to look at him, “Come to visit me here for old times’ sake?”
Siffrin laughs, taking a seat beside them, “Feeling a bit nostalgic, I suppose.”
“Well, what can I help you with on this lovely, non-looping day?” they sit up, folding their hands.
Siffrin takes a moment to think, “We’ve been avoiding me, lately,” they finally say, tone teasing, but posture serious.
Loop is too delighted to be confrontational, “Stardust! Is that the royal We?” they clap happily, “Look at you, remembering Our pronouns! Oh, I’m so proud of you~”
Siffrin snorts at that, “Well it’s only one syllable. It’s not hard to pronouns correctly.”
They both break out into giggles, then. Nothing like a good pun to lighten the mood.
“Really, though,” Siffrin prods. Loop sighs.
“Alright, yes. I was pretty mad at you for not taking my side earlier.”
“About using the Favor Tree?”
Loop nods, hugging themself, “You of all people should know how dangerous it could be. What if we started looping again? Or worse?” Loop doesn’t want to think about the worse options.
“I didn’t say I wanted to use the ritual.”
“You didn’t say no either, Stardust.”
Siffrin is quiet for a long time, and this time Loop is not inclined to fill the silence for him. “I don’t want you to fade away again,” they finally speak up, “I don’t like the thought of using Wish Craft again, but… it probably would be the most reliable option.”
“ Reliable ,” Loop scoffs, and Siffrin guiltily shrinks in on himself. They both breathe in, and out. This is… difficult.
“... Do you really not trust that we’d wish responsibly?” Siffrin finally asks.
“It doesn’t matter what your intentions are, Stardust–”
“Or do you just not care if you die?”
The bluntness of the question makes Loop jump, but they don’t have a good answer. Siffrin knows they don’t have a good answer. Loop squeezes themself tightly. This is the problem with being friends with a version of yourself. They say the things out loud you can only think to yourself.
“I don’t belong here,” they argue, rather than directly answering.
“You do,” Siffrin insists, “You belong here. Everyone wants you here.”
Loop groans, “It doesn’t matter! It won’t even be my choice, at the end of everything! Just… the Universe correcting itself. Can’t have two things at the same time, can’t have two Siffrins running around together.”
“It could be your choice, though,” Siffrin’s expression is set, now, “You’re just refusing to accept it.”
“And what? You want me to wish that I can stick around, and let you disappear?”
“We’ve managed to coexist so far.”
“By a literal miracle.”
“What’s a miracle to the saviors of Vaugarde?” Siffrin cracks a smile, and Loop’s resolve crumbles.
They literally tried to kill and replace this idiot. Why does he care about them so much?
But they still refuse to concede their point, so they simply flop back onto the grass and pout.
“You know,” Siffrin continues, “There’s a conversation you could have to make this whole decision easier.”
Loop makes a show of sighing, covering their eyes with their arm, “... Alright, you’re right. Stardust, I’m sorry to be the one to have to say this, but you only have one eye, and whenever you think you’re winking it just looks like you’re blinking. I’m sorry you had to learn like this, but—”
“ Tell them who you are, deflecting one,” Siffrin throws a handful of grass at their face, then pauses, touching their eyepatch, “Stars, wait, do I?”
Loop bursts out laughing, “ Absolutely you do.”
Siffrin blushes to his ears, clearly remembering every time he tried to wink mysteriously in the last couple weeks. It’s been a sizable number, that much Loop knows.
“Okay, well, that doesn’t change the fact that you should talk to people!” Siffrin snaps, still blushing.
Their tactic thwarted, Loop sighs, “Y’know, I always wondered why you didn’t tell them all before you, y’know,” they make the call sign gesture, “Called me here.”
“It wasn’t my secret to tell,” Siffrin shrugs, “You should, though,” his tone softens, “I promise, nothing terrible will happen.”
Loop breathes in, and out. Stupid blinding considerate alternate self. Bullying them into healthy choices.
“I… will talk to them,” they finally promise, and before Siffrin can start looking too excited, “Tomorrow.”
He pouts at them for a moment, then smirks, “Alright, Isabeau . But you’re keeping the memory equipped until you do it.”
“Shut up,” it’s Loop’s turn to throw grass at Siffrin, now, but he just keeps laughing at them.
Their friendship is so weird. Loop is so grateful for it.
They continue to sit in companionable silence for a while, staring at the ever-shifting sky. Eventually, Siffrin has to leave finish their errands, and Loop is left alone with their thoughts again.
Idly, they pick more grass and roll it between their fingers. Wishing responsibly, huh? Given the fact that they just tacitly acknowledged they were suicidal, Loop thinks they should be automatically disqualified from wishing for their own wellbeing.
It’s not that they want to die, either; they missed this. It’s almost foreign, now, to remember the Loop of the loops, who was so convinced that revealing their existence to these copies of their friends would be the end of the world. They thought it would be unbearably painful– and it was, in a lot of ways, but the pain was fleeting. They suppose the pain of confessing their identity may be similarly fleeting… but its effects will be permanent.
Loop isn’t used to permanent.
They rip the blade of grass they were worrying at, and pick another one.
Even now, their desire to slip back into nothingness stems more from that same fear. Fear of doing something permanent. Of changing, to be Vaugardian about it. They’ve died before. They can die again. Siffrin’s the one who figured out how to not die and accept people’s love. Loop only watched him.
Then again, even when Loop appeared as a completely new person, Siffrin’s family couldn’t help but pour their love on them. So… maybe Loop could learn from them too. Learn to accept love and give it freely.
Wishing responsibly. Even if somebody else wished for them, out of love for them, what kind of wish could they even accept? Could they bear to squander someone’s wish for their life? Could they suffer a life they were forced to live by Craft?
A wish might not even be necessary at all!
They’re back to Siffrin height, now. Maybe that’s where they’re stable, and that’s where they’ll stay.
Stars, what if they don’t have to change anything at all to keep living? What if they put their family through all that hell and worrying for absolutely no reason?
… Tomorrow’s their deadline. Tomorrow is when things will, one way or another, become permanent. Loop looks helplessly up to the sky.
They wish they will at least live that long.
—
Loop is woken up that night by hunger pangs so sharp they think they’re looping again. It’s only after several seconds of quiet, panicked breathing that they manage to notice that none of the scenery of the room is changing. And then they hear their stomach growl.
Still wrapped in their blanket to hide their shine, they sneak out to the kitchen. Nobody would mind if they grabbed something to eat, they suppose. Nille had made kouign-amanns earlier that day which would definitely hit the spot right now.
They’re in the middle of stuffing their face when they hear Bonnie behind them, “Mm, getting a midnight snack?” they mumble sleepily, “Grab one for me too, kay?”
As the responsible adult, they probably shouldn’t give the kid a big sugary sweet in the middle of the night, but Loop turns to hand Bonnie one anyways. Their eyes meet and Bonnie
screams
and Loop reaches out to comfort them but Bonnie leaps over the counter and grabs their wok, pointing it at them with trembling arms. Immediately they throw their arms in the air, dropping their pastry. Bonnie sees them as a threat.
Bonnie sees them as a threat bonnie sees them as a threat
“ EYES!” Bonnie yells, swatting their wok back and forth to keep them away.
“Bonnie!” comes a chorus of panicked yells, as the others all rush into the kitchen as well. Siffrin’s the first to arrive, leaping in front of Bonnie, but the others are not far behind, all with weapons drawn to protect them. When they see Loop, almost everyone reacts with similar alarm, falling right into their typical battle formation.
Siffrin alone seems to recognize them, dropping their defensive posture, “ Loop ?”
Loop realizes they’re trembling. They nod, lowering their hands to their chest, “What’s… what’s wrong?” they looked, worried, over at Bonnie, but don’t dare move closer.
“Don’t talk to the Sadness!” Bonnie yells, still wielding their wok, “You thought you could sneak in and fool us but FRIN DOESN’T HAVE TWO EYES, YA DUMMY!”
Without thinking, Loop reaches up to where their bad eye used to be and
“Bonnie, stop, that’s Loop!”
feels their hair tickle their fingers,
“That’s Loop!?”
their unshining fingers,
“Why do they look like Siffrin?”
and Loop s c r e a m s.
They’re on the ground and they’re shaking and Bonnie is screaming and they’re trying to breathe now but they can’t, they can’t, why is this happening now, of all things that could happen they weren’t possibly ready for this–
And then there are hands on their shoulders, and Isabeau’s face is taking up their entire field of vision. He’s saying something– telling them to breathe, they think? Thanks, they’re already trying that– but his example helps, somehow. They manage
to slow
down.
Okay, so, they’re human again. And they probably look like their regular self, based on everyone’s reactions. That’s… fine. They’re fine.
And Siffrin is still here. That’s even better, actually.
… Stars, they just had a breakdown in front of everyone . That’s embarrassing. And everyone’s still here.
“Loop?” Isabeau leans back now that they’ve caught their breath. They nod, using the opportunity to try to stand again, but they aren’t quite steady and they sway–
“WHOA!” Isabeau and Siffrin catch them on either side, “Let’s, let’s get you sat down,” Isa instructs, guiding them to the kitchen chairs.
They’re sitting now. Somehow a cup of cocoa finds its way into their hands, and they sip it slowly. Eventually, they regain their presence of mind, and notice everyone is sitting around the table with them, also with cocoa, likely waiting for answers
“Um,” they call everyone’s attention back to them, “Sorry I freaked out like that.”
“Hey,” Isa smiles gently, “If I woke up in a different body after everything I’ve done for this one, I’d probably freak out way worse!”
Loop doesn’t think this situation is necessarily comparable, but they shoot him a grateful, if tired smile.
“Um, so? Can we ask why you look like Siffrin, yet?” Mirabelle starts, “Are you… twin siblings?”
“Something tells me that’s not it,” Odile shoots Loop a tiny smirk, and once again they regret not having their cloak to hide in.
Well. They suppose it’s past midnight.
Slowly, and with Siffrin’s help at times, they confess their true backstory. They earn many worried looks– and some angry shouts, especially when the whole ‘tried to kill Siffrin and take his place’ thing comes up. But ultimately, it goes okay.
They feel a lot lighter.
“So,” Mirabelle asks, now that they’ve gotten to the question part of the presentation, “The Past Loop Mirabelle you were friends with… You were Siffrin-and-Mirabelle friends with her?”
“Yes?” Loop tilts their head. Is that different, somehow?
“Oh,” she covers her mouth, looking sadly over at them. They don’t understand why being Siffrin changes the nature of their past friendship, but Mirabelle has some clear feelings about it, apparently.
“So… you’re from a timeline where Frin didn’t lose their eye?” Bonnie asks.
“No, I lost it, like your Siffrin did,” they explain, “I got it back when I turned into a star. I’m… not actually sure why I still have it, if I’m human again?”
“Maybe you’ll still lose it,” Nille wiggles her eyebrows.
“Stars… I hope not. I can’t imagine that would be pleasant to witness,” they touch at what used to be their bad eye, and wonder if they shouldn’t get another eyepatch, just in case.
“Can you still use any of your sponsor abilities?” Odile asks. Loop closes what used to be their bad eye and tries looking through Siffrin’s, and… nothing.
[They try beaming thoughts into their head, hey, Stardust! Nod if you can hear me!]
… Nothing. They shake their head, and pointedly ignore Siffrin’s pleased expression at the news.
“... Fascinating,” she nods, scribbling down some notes.
Isabeau finally pipes up, “Well, I would like to be the first to say… I’M SO GLAD YOU’RE ALRIGHT, LOOP!”
“Oh! Yes! If you were just turning human again, all this time… You won’t fade away!” Mirabelle cheers, eyes shining.
“Bit melodramatic, in hindsight,” Odile hums, “Though I suppose I’m partially to blame.”
“It’s in our nature,” Siffrin nods.
Loop can’t stand for this slander, “I told you guys I didn’t know!”
“That you did,” Odile nods, “And now we do.”
It’s not that funny, but for some reason they all burst out into relieved laughter.
“For real, though,” Isabeau speaks up after a moment, “Things might be, a little awkward? As we all process this information? And get used to you… not being a star.”
Loop nods.
“But thank you, for telling us,” he smiles, “Things make a lot more sense now.”
“Even if it took you turning back human to do it!” Bonnie teases, “Honestly, what’s with you guys and waiting till the world makes you talk about stuff?”
Loop blushes, sputtering, “I was going to tell you today, either way!”
“And we definitely all believe that,” Mirabelle nods primly, which is probably the most devastating response she could have had. Everyone dissolves into more laughter.
Even though it’s technically at their expense, Loop can’t help smiling, either. These may not be the friends they started with, but they can’t say these aren’t their friends, anymore.
Maybe with time they’ll find the courage to call them their family, too.