Chapter Text
When the Universe was yet new, it was said that if you knew how to understand the language of the stars, they might tell you a story, just to fill the endless silence. They might speak of how they are born and grow and burst and are born anew. They might sing how they watch over those shorter-lived, and how they yearn to be one of them. They might whisper to you of how very far away they are from any other thing. They might say: each and every one of us is alone, alone, alone.
If you knew how to understand the language of the stars, if you knew of their sorrow, you would put your hands over your ears and scream until your hearing left you.
So: thank the stars you do not know them, and only see their light. Thank the stars that you may reach out and find a hand waiting. If you do not, perhaps one day you, too, will wake to find yourself a star—
There’s been a story itching at Loop’s mind lately, crawling surreptitiously around the corners of their consciousness. An old story, they think. One from when they were younger than they are now. A sad, terrifying story about—perhaps, about stars—
…Their head hurts. There’s no point in pushing it. It’s not like knowing will do anything for them. For a long time, Loop has known more than anyone about what was going on, and all it got them was a body that makes kids point and stare and a family they can never see again. No, they’ll just be ignorant and happy from now on, thank you very much.
Ignorance, they’re starting to get the hang of. It mostly involves just not caring about anyone or anything, and their attachment to this set, this paper world, is thin at best in the first place. So there’s a win! The happiness part, though…
Well.
Well, even normal humans, the sorts that don’t go through time loops and give their bodies to the Universe, even they have a hard time with that, right? So Loop isn’t doing poorly. They’re doing average! And that’s fine! It’s all fine. They’re fine.
If there’s one thing, it’s only that. That. There’s this feeling sometimes, something clawing from deep inside them, rampaging electric through their body and leaving burning in its wake, something that climbs its way up their throat until they want to scream and scream and scream and—
And it’s not a new feeling! Loop has been feeling this since they were on their own loop ten, maybe, by which they mean that they can’t remember but it feels like it’s probably been forever since they could exist in their own skin without feeling like they’re vibrating out of it and trapped inside it all at once. There were good loops and bad loops, but mostly the latter, and by this they mean that they can’t remember a good loop either but they imagine it must have happened somewhere. No, it isn’t new, but at least…at least when they were home, they could brush against their family members and it could be soothed for a few seconds. At least when everything was going on here, they had the sun and Siffrin to distract them now and then.
Now, though, the sun isn’t really distracting anymore, and Siffrin isn’t here. Nobody’s here, not since everyone left and Loop didn’t die or return to their old life or do anything other than just be left on their own to deal with everything. There’s just Loop, Loop all the time, nothing but Loop and their own mind and the feeling rising, rising, and there are some days they have to remind themselves that they can’t peel themselves out of their skin, and others they find themselves scratching at their arms like their unconscious mind had hoped they’d somehow manage anyway.
One realizes, after a long time alone, how loud one’s mind gets when the world is nothing but quiet. And Loop doesn’t really like their mind. They’d started talking more in the first place just to drown out the noise it makes—first silently, then out loud, despite their family’s worried looks. They had stopped for a while, and then started again when they could no longer bring themselves to care more than they cared about keeping themselves from running to the closest tear as soon as they woke up every loop for the rest of forever, if only to avoid the tedium of it. Until they’d come to Siffrin’s timeline, they had sort of forgotten how nice it was just to be silent with somebody.
But without somebody, silence is just surrender. When you’re alone all the time, quiet is the enemy. And…Loop made their second wish in the first place because they were tired of fighting.
So they give up, once more, like always always always, but this time without any wishes. This time, they give up in a new, fun, and equally self-destructive way!
Namely. This time, they go to find Siffrin, mere months after making what is now seeming like a rather pointlessly dramatic goodbye.
Ah, well. Dramatic and pointless are quick becoming Loop’s trademarks, it seems. Just more of the same.
Always more of the same.
. . .
A lot of villager-questioning, searching, and walking later, a little bit too much staring is happening for Loop’s comfort.
Admittedly, it’s only been maybe a few seconds since a grocery-laden Siffrin caught sight of them standing outside the door to the inn his party is staying in. It is still, however, too much, given Loop’s comfort levels are already at about negative everything, and that’s being generous. There’s only one thing to do: they stand stiffly, and then turn on their heel and make to leave. Was silence really that bad anyway? Compared to social awkwardness? Nah. This, this is the worst thing possible, for sure.
“Loop!” Siffrin, that blinding can’t-take-a-hint idiot, calls out. Loop stops where they’re standing and kicks at the dirt mulishly. “Loop, is that you?”
As if there’s anybody else in this world that might have a star for a head. They paste a sarcastic smile on the mouth they do not have and whirl back around.
“Stardust! It’s been a while! How are you?”
Siffrin smiles unsurely with the mouth they do have. Lucky blazar. “I’m—”
“Yes, good, good. Well. Great catching up, take care of yourself, don’t trap anybody in time, byeeeee—”
“Oh. You’re leaving?”
Stars’ sake, but he sounds like a kicked puppy. Despite themselves, Loop falters. It’s…strange, isn’t it? To feel so protective over them, given the circumstances. But after playing a guardian star for so long, maybe a bit of it rubbed off on them.
…They’re tired anyway. It’s been a long journey. It wouldn’t hurt to get some rest, would it? It wouldn’t destroy them to admit they wanted to see everyone before they left, would it? (Except for it would, so they’re not going to.) For now, just for now, maybe they can stay a minute longer just because they think Siffrin is a little pathetic, standing there like that.
“Of course not! Just testing you. Just seeing how much you missed your best friend Loop.” They cup their hands around their cheeks, or what passes for them (don’t think about it, don’t think about it). “Your bee-eff-eff. Your alternate self from the same mother.”
Their fake, invisible smile and his real, visible one drop at the same time.
There’s more staring, except now it’s at the ground on both ends.
This is going stellar! (Ha! A pun! Look, see, they can still do puns!) They dither, forcing away the pain in their head and their heart to play the fool once more. “Anyway! Thought I’d drop by and see how you were doing. You appear to have all of the body parts I left you with. Managed to keep the other eye. I’m soooo proud of you!”
“Yeah,” Siffrin says, shifting his weight. Loop knows his tells like they know themselves: he’s uncomfortable. Good. That makes two of them, which is how it should be. This situation is messed up enough without them becoming all buddy-buddy. Their eyebrows crease, and his eye wanders a moment before he nods, once, resolute. “Um…Loop? You know…”
“Most of the time, yes,” Loop acknowledges demurely, batting their eyelashes. “Thank you for noticing.”
Siffrin’s jaw tics. Uncomfortable and irritated, now. “You know,” they soldier on, emphatically. “You don’t have to act like this.”
The anger never too far below the surface grows a speck larger, roils inside. They put an exaggerated hand over where their mouth would be, if they had one. “Like what? Stardust, you wound me!”
“Like that,” Siffrin says.
It’d be simpler if they followed that up with something that would let Loop leave. Something mean, something petty, something about how Loop is too frustrating, too much, and then Loop could leave in a huff and Siffrin would feel bad for the next few months until Loop gave into their weakness again, and that would be fine. But this Siffrin…stars, he’s so much softer than Loop has become.
“Like…” Siffrin makes a cute little moue, thinking. His head tilts; their nose scrunches up. Loop misses having a nose, but they don’t really even remember whether they used to be this expressive, or whether this is just something unique to this Siffrin. “Like…don’t you get tired, is all?”
Loop stills. Their hand drops from their non-mouth. They gaze at him coolly, and don’t even get a little bit of happiness out of seeing them wince.
“It’s one thing if you want to. Or if you’re not acting. Or…” He reaches up for the brim of a hat that’s no longer there, winces harder, and pulls at an errant lock of hair instead. “Just…if…you didn’t. If you wanted to just say hello, or if you wanted to leave when you saw me…you could do that. After last time, I thought…I mean…Anyway. You don’t have to act for me. Not for anyone, but definitely not for me.”
The anger builds a little more, and they’re tempted to lash out, to say how could I forget, right, just for you, because you’re so special. Because you’re the only one who understands me, right, even though you don’t actually know anything, because you could get out after basically no time at all, because you could go home, because you still get everything and I—
Loop wants to. They really, really do. They had hoped time and space would have soothed some of that anger, some of that hurt, but it hasn’t. It just made them alone and desperate. And they lost their family, but the next closest thing is here, right here with the person who knows Loop least and most in the entire world.
Maybe it’s good they don’t have a mouth. If they did, they think they might be biting their lip so hard it bled right now. As it stands, they’re spared the mess.
“Aw, stardust,” they say instead, eyes smiling, wholly insincere. “Absence really does make the heart grow fonder, huh? You’ve gotten so considerate.”
Siffrin purses his lips, then exhales. They shift on their feet, getting a better grip on the groceries Loop had forgotten he was holding. “Okay,” they mumble. “Yeah, okay.” He doesn’t push it further. Loop almost wishes he had.
Yes. The one who understands them most and least.
Or maybe that’s just Loop themselves, in the end.
They might have gone in for another round of staring, fabulous conversationalists that they are, but they are saved by perhaps the next most awkward option. “Oh!” They can hear the smile in his voice, how it lilts the ends of his sentences upwards. They can hear how he genuinely is excited they’re there. They can hear it all, but they’re suddenly very, very, not ready to see it. “It’s you! Loop, right?”
It hits like a punch to the gut, worse than any blow the King ever dealt. Loop staggers a bit where they stand, inhaling sharply. Siffrin looks at Loop, then over at the man who’s walking down the path to them, then back at them. Worry flashes in his eye, then indecision, and in the end, they just end up sort of shuffling over to awkwardly stand half in front of Loop, half-protecting them from seeing the Fighter, which functionally does nothing.
The impulse is a little bit adorable though. They sort of want to ruffle his hair. Loop shoves down the hysterical laughter at the thought, and shoves down every feeling they have right now and every one they’ve had ever, and finally looks at the perfect copy of the man they might have loved once.
“Isa,” Siffrin says softly. “You’re back early.”
The energy goes all weird, with Siffrin smiling at the Fighter and then looking with a troubled eye back at Loop and then giving them a hesitant smile too, and then back at the Fighter, and back at Loop. It’s as though Siffrin was caught with their mistress and is trying not to let on to either party. Loop wants to laugh again.
This time, they do. It’s…serviceably non-maniacal, anyway. The Fighter only looks a little bit concerned, but he’s always been better at managing his expressions. (Not that they know this one. It's the Defender, and he's not theirs, not theirs. They always have to remember that.) A wave of bitterness suffuses them, and this time they are powerless to stop some of it leaking out. “Well, well, well! If it isn’t Siffrin’s muscled paramour!”
Siffrin makes a tiny strangled noise and attempts to stomp on Loop’s foot. Loop adeptly dodges, still smiling too wide, too fake, and far, far, too invisible. “How are things going between you two these days, anyway? Good, I imagine? Lots of hearts flying everywhere?”
“Uhh,” the Defender mumbles, and scratches his neck. A hint of shade appears on his cheeks. “That’s…”
“Loop is leaving,” Siffrin hisses. “So you don’t have to respond to that.”
Even the Defender looks uncomfortable now. That’s Loop for ya! Everywhere they go, making things worse! Maybe that’s why they were plucked from their timeline and brought to this version. Maybe the Universe hates Siffrin, all Siffrins, and thought the only way to make the loops even more catastrophic was to bring in a second to ruin things. Maybe Loop is just a uniquely awful Siffrin and that’s why they mess everything up. Maybe!
It’s that line of thinking that makes something terribly contrary take over. “No,” Loop says, eyes squinting in crescents with how hard they are smiling. “No, I thought I would stay a while, actually.”
Siffrin clenches their teeth. Loop refuses to stop smiling. Nothing is going how they wanted it to, not that anything ever does, and if they stop smiling they’ll think about it and then maybe they’ll just cry.
“Oh,” the Defender says. He sounds a bit lost now, but his voice softens soon enough. Always too good to everyone, even when they didn’t deserve it.
Or, well. Theirs was. This one is…just…similar.
“Well, all right then, sounds good! Should we get inside? Bonnie is probably waiting on those groceries to make dinner, and I am huuuuungry!”
Siffrin narrows his eye at them, but it doesn’t take long either for the fight to leave them and his shoulders to drop back down. They nod, and hold on tighter to the grocery bag when the Defender beckons for it. The Defender beckons even harder, and harder, until he’s putting his whole body into it, undulating in a sort of give-me-those interpretive dance. Siffrin rolls his eye, but relents, and smiles. The whole routine is terribly domestic, and terribly familiar, and terribly terrible. Loop doesn’t belong here. How stupid of them, to think they might even for the smallest moment.
They don’t belong here, but they follow Siffrin and the Defender inside anyway. Loop isn’t a quitter, after all!
(That’s a joke.)
(It’s not a very funny one.)
(It’s fine. They’re all laughed out for now, anyway, and it’s not like anybody needs to know they’re having an off day.)