Chapter Text
It’s Saturday evening. I'm laying on my white couch in my study room. Not sure what to do with myself. “Ugh…what a waste of time.” I mumble, feeling a slight sting in my chest. The unease creeping up on me as I took a deep breath, trying to calm myself now. I feel like shit.
I get up from the couch carefully, the fatigue in my body limiting my movement speed. Heading to the kitchen, I grab my empty water bottle on the coffee table and fill it up. “When was it the last time I saw another human being?” I ask myself.
I miss seeing my friends. Hanging out and chatting along, spending time with people and bonding. It feels so healing…so warm. Of course, now I’m all by myself. The usual. I sigh, trying to get the pressure off my chest. Why is it so suffocating? What am I doing wrong?
I notice the water bottle filling up and gently close the tap and take a sip of the water. Refreshing…but still, the weight is unbearable. I feel like I’m about to break. Am I going to die? It hurts so bad.
I head back into my study room to read a book and distract my mind. The diverse worlds written in the books I own, the information shared, they truly make one's mind wander. I love how it is so easy to become swept away into wonderland with the help of just a few words thought of by someone else. Diving into their own mind and creating an image of wonderful creations and universes, it’s so interesting. I can never get enough.
I place my water bottle on the coffee table by my couch and head to my bookshelf behind it to pick a novel to read. “Hmm…what to read…?” I’m not feeling fantasy today. Neither do I feel like reading mystery novels at the moment. Maybe something I wasn’t expecting to read.
I look around and notice a book I was gifted a long time ago from a friend that I still haven’t had the chance to read yet. Maybe it’s finally time to give it a try…I am a bit dubious about it since they did hint of it being an erotica. I need to give it a shot.
I pick the book up and notice its beautiful cover painted in red and black. Red being my favorite color, I can’t help but smile a little…yet, a sense of unease washes through me. What’s wrong with me? Why do I feel like this?
I sit down on my couch and get comfortable. Bringing my knees to my chest, I notice a few floofballs deciding to join me. I smile gently, feeling a sense of warmth in my heart as they make themselves comfortable on my shoulders, arms or around me. Fills me with comfort, I cannot truly express how much I appreciate the quilldren, so adorable and fluffy, hehe. Opening the book, I start reading the first page and immediately start feeling nauseous. In a hurry, I drop the book on the floor, rushing to the bathroom as a few quilldren fall off my shoulders…i'm sorry.
Making it in time, I slouch myself over the toilet seat, regurgitating into it. Ugh…disgusting. Why is this happening? Food poisoning? I don’t think so…nothing comes to mind. I might actually be dying.
Washing my face and cleaning up the bathroom, I re-enter my study room, greeted by some worried looking floofballs. I give them a weak smile, trying to reassure them as I sit back on my couch again. “I’ll be fine, don’t worry.”
I pick the book back up and place it on the coffee table as well. Sighing as my head leans back on the couch. I feel the bags under my eyes, the skin on my face becoming more pale by the second. I’m so tired. Should I go to sleep? I ask myself…is this burnout? I’m not sure…
I gently pet one of the quilldren who decided to jump onto my lap. I feel a slight warmth emanating from their tiny feathers. My hand pets them slowly, making sure not to squish them, hehe they’re so cute. I avoid the feather between my fingers, making sure to not hurt them, ensuring their comfort.
I feel my eyelids slowly closing, my head becoming heavier. Ugh…I can’t bring myself to think anymore…Almost falling off the couch, I feel someone catch me in their arms. Who…?
My eyes half closed, I bring myself to look up, as tired as my neck is. Looks like…me. Or should I say, Eki. Haha, funny. I’m actually starting to lose it. He doesn’t exist, just another character I created to mess with my audience. I am going insane.
“Hey…can you hear me?!” I hear him ask. Why does he sound worried? Wait…he’s speaking to me. I feel so exhausted I can’t bring myself to utter a single word. My hallucinations are getting out of hand. He helps me lean back on the couch again since I am clearly unable to control my body. Everything feels numb yet…I feel the stinging sensation in my chest. Why…it’s so tight…
I try my best to breathe properly as I notice he’s actually real…he is standing in front of me. Why…Does it even matter at this point? Nothing feels like it matters…even if everything came to a stop right now, I wouldn’t mind. Just make the pain go away. I can’t take it anymore.
Completely dazed, I feel his arms make their way under my knees and behind my back, getting a steady grip to carry me. Lifting me upwards, he carries me gently, pressing my body against his and takes me to my bedroom. Expecting to feel some warmth from the core of his body, I feel the opposite. He’s cold. What does that mean?
I notice a few quilldren deciding to follow us. I wish I could carry them, I know how weak their tiny legs are, some of them decide to jump after us.
Arriving at my bedroom, he places me down with ease, carefully making sure I’m not bending a limb weirdly and that my head rests atop the pillow comfortably. “Eki…why are you here?” I’m finally able to ask. I notice my voice is shaky and hoarse…but why? What is happening to my throat?
He immediately leaves and comes back quickly with my water bottle in his hand. I notice a few floofballs clenching to his pants by his ankles as well. I smile and chuckle lightly in amusement. They’re so cute.
They jump off of him and climb up the bed frame to sit comfortably on my lap again. I smile at Eki and accept my water bottle from his hand, taking a few sips. “Thanks…” “I see the quilldren really like being by your side. You must take better care of them than yourself huh.” He added, crossing his arms by his chest.
I understand what he means…there it is, the sting in my rib cage again. It’s so suffocating. Why do I feel like this constantly? What’s troubling me? My smile fades away from my face, placing the water bottle by the nightstand. I feel overwhelmed.
My breaths become heavier and my eyelids follow. I can’t breathe. It hurts. Tears fall down my face as my hands grip my hair in distress. I notice Eki moving closer, trying to speak to me. I can’t hear him. I don’t want to hear him. Please, just leave me alone. Alone…I’m always alone…
The quilldren jump off my lap as I squirm in the bed, screams filling the room. What is happening? What am I doing? Make it stop, please. It hurts. It hurts so bad. “Ike! Hey! Please calm down! Everything's fine! I’m right here with you! We’re here!” he yells, grabbing my hands off my hair as I feel like I’m about to rip my hair out. I have a tight grip so he struggles a bit.
Finally removing my hands off my head, I continue sobbing. What is up with all these pent up emotions? Have I always been like this? Why…I look at Eki, my blurry vision barely able to make out the concerned look he has on his face. Why…He pulls me in closer into a secure embrace, hugging me with everything he has, wrapping his arms around my back. Why…
I feel surprise wash through my body, not expecting this cold-hearted creature to actually be able to feel remorse or empathy and try to cheer me up. Finally processing the situation, tears continue rolling down my cheeks and I close my eyes and accept the hug. I wrap my arms around his body as well, hugging him back with a similar fervor.
“Shh, you’re doing well. There you go…good boy. Everything’s alright. Okay?” he tries to reassure as one of his hands make their way to the back of my head, petting my hair in a loving way. Even if his body is cold against mine, I can’t help but feel a slight sense of warmth emanating from his actions. “...thank you…” I mumbled in a weak voice. All that screaming from the panicking and crying truly wore my vocal cords out. What the hell was that all about anyway?
He pulls away gently, keeping our faces close to make sure I don’t feel lonely even if he is in the room. I need someone…don’t leave me. He looks into my eyes, noticing affliction behind my gaze. His right hand gently cups my cheek, caressing it carefully. I can’t help but lean into his touch. His soft skin against mine, touching me so lightly yet so lovingly.
“Eki…why?” I queried. His presence, his touch, his stare, everything…why go out of your way to do all of this? “I’ve seen you go through all these hardships alone. I’m not supposed to be here but I can’t stand seeing you all of this again. It hurts me too. You’re so strong, Ike. I know you think you cannot do this but that’s false. I know you can. It’s okay to be emotional. It’s okay to take a break. It’s okay to feel worthless and vulnerable. I’ve seen it all. I understand your pain. I feel it.” His left hand reaches to his chest, placing it over his heart as his other hand continues to caress my cheek.
His smooth and ethereal voice sounds like a beautiful melody to my ears. I can’t help but want to hear more. His solace makes my heart ache in need and attention for his touch…I can’t help it. I’m always alone. Always by myself. No one has ever been there for me, not judged me when I have been at my lowest. Why does it have to be him?
I’m not complaining…just wondering. I have a bunch of friends…right? Why is it my alter ego? It feels like I’m talking to myself…somehow. But, it isn’t me. Eki. He’s a different entity, a different creation, a different soul…right? We’re different.
“Eki…can you hold me tight? please…don’t leave.” I feel the tears well up in my eyes again as I reach for him. My hands clench his shoulders and his eyebrows frown sadly. He seems troubled. Is it my fault? I’m sorry. I’m so useless. I always bring others down. I’m always such a nuisance.
I carefully take my arms back. Right as I lift them from his shoulders, he pulls me into another tight squeeze. “Ike, I know what you’re thinking. Don’t worry. I’m here for you. I’ll do what I can to help you cheer up. I promise.” he assures.
The quilldren jump off the bed, understanding that me and Eki need to be left alone for a while. I hug him back loosely, my body exhausted from the constant agony my heart is pierced by. I’m so tired. Still hugging me, Eki attentively helps me lay down on the bed again. He leans closer to me, his lips lightly grazing my earlobe as he whispers. “Just focus on me, Ike. It’ll all be over soon. Just hold me tight, I’m right here.”
Feeling a few wet drops fall on my neck, I realize they’re coming from Eki himself. He’s crying. Why? My arms rest on top of his back as I turn my head to look at him confused. Right as my gaze is about to meet his, he’s gone. Where…Why?
No…no! Don't leave me. You promised. You promised me. Liar.
I feel my heart sting, burning in fear and betrayal from his sudden absence. My eyes fill with tears, spilling from my eye sockets as I lay in bed, fixed in my position as I stare at the ceiling with a dead look. My body feeling too numb to move. All the hope I once felt slipping out of my reach. My skin becoming paler and my stomach dropping the more I think about it. He left me too.
Ahh…I'm so tired.