Chapter Text
“It’s been a year, how about we try upping the medication?”
You could feel your eye twitch, your psychiatrist instantly knew she said the wrong thing. She gave a soft smile as she wrote something down in her yellow notepad. You didn’t say anything, you held your gaze with her even when she wasn’t looking anymore. You watched her every move, how she bit her lip for a moment before typing something in her laptop, how she shifted in her seat for a moment before sighing.
“Look, I understand how you feel, however I believe that you really need this. The current dosages aren’t proving to be strong enough anymore. We need to up them in all medications.”
You said nothing as your grip tightened ever so slightly on the chair. Her concerned look growing with each passing second. She knew you were upset and conflicted, screaming profanities at her internally, but too scared to say anything verbally. You have been seeing your psychiatrist for over a year and a half now. You were always reluctant to ever see one, but your university urged you to see one immediately after what had happened. Every month you woke up and trudged your way onto the bus to come visit her across town. She was a nice lady, don’t get it wrong, but she read you like a book, she knew you better than yourself. And that scared you.
After a few seconds, you finally broke your gaze with her and opted to look out the window instead. You watched the bird's nest that adorned the tree near her office. You remember when you first visited, the nest was filled with a few eggs. You watched them hatch, the birds grow, and eventually flew off to live their life. You envied those birds. They were free creatures, bound to nothing, soaring the Earth with their wings, witnessing all sorts of sights you could only see in pictures. You felt a pit form in your stomach, forcing the contents of yesterday’s dinner to stay down.
You opened and closed your mouth, unsure of what to say. Every visit, she suggested upping the dosage of one of your many medications, or trying out a new medication to ‘replace’ another one. It didn’t matter, they never worked. You still suffered from the flashbacks, the nightmares, the constant waves of emotions, and at the same time the numbness of it all. You didn’t talk much to her, only really making small talk, and opting for silence when you didn’t like when she poked at you to try and talk.
“You know, if you stay quiet, I’ll never be able to help you the way you need it.”
She’s said that to you a lot. Too many times to count at this point in time. She was right though. You couldn’t deny that fact from her. The longer you keep silent, a repeat of what happened is likely to happen again, and maybe this time you won’t be so lucky for an innocent bystander to intervene. Instead, you chose to simply nod in response.
“I’ll take the medication…”
Your voice was so quiet, at first you were worried she didn’t hear you, until the sounds of her typing away confirmed that she did in fact hear you.
“Well, I put the order in. It should be ready by the time you get to the pharmacy. I’ll see you next month, same time, alright?”
Nodding, you quickly got out of the black leather chair, but right before you could put your hand on the knob her voice stopped you. “I still need to take your vitals for this month.”
Oh she was going to be so mad with you.
After receiving a small scolding from your psychiatrist, you sat on the bus, earphones in, blasting music at full volume. You aimlessly scrolled through social media, nothing catching your interest at first until a flash of black and yellow caught your eye. You quickly scroll back up to find the post, eyebrow quirking up as you read it.
‘PRESAVE PARANOIA BY HEARTSTEEL ON ALL MUSIC STREAMING SERVICES!’
A girl from your calculus class posted a photo of herself standing next to a very tall man with short purple pinkish hair, an eyepatch, and a shit eating grin. He was handsome, but something about the look in his eyes screamed ‘I'll make you worse’ and you didn’t need that in your life currently. You harmlessly liked the post and continued scrolling, not thinking much about it until you came across another post.
‘GIRLIES MAKE SURE YOU PRESAVE PARANOIA BY HEARTSTEEL !! IT DROPS @ MIDNIGHT TONIGHT !!’
You scrolled down and another one popped up.
‘MAKE THE BOYS PROUD, PRESAVE PARANOIA, LISTEN TO IT ON REPEAT WHEN IT DROPS SO WE BREAK THE RECORD FOR MOST STREAMED!!!!!!’
Who the hell was Heartsteel and why were all your classmates talking about them? You rolled your eyes as you refreshed your feed, it was most likely some boy band that all the people were thirsting over lately. The song was probably not to your taste anyways. You were tempted to mute the word ‘Heartsteel’, but decided against it, it wasn’t that deep.
For now.
Your stop eventually came, you hopped off and made your way to your small apartment complex. You used to live on one of the top floors, but got forcefully moved to the ground floor. The university and psychiatrist took every means necessary to make sure you didn’t pull the stunt you did a year ago. Your university didn’t want blood stained on their hands, so they went with it.
Unlocking the front door, you had to practically slam yourself into the piece of metal to budge it open. Was the complex falling apart by the second? Yeah it was, but it was cheap, you were a barely functioning working university student, you’ll take what you could get at the moment. You dropped your keys in a small tray by the door and shuffled inside to your tiny, but humble abode. If you weren’t at classes, you were a barista for a local coffee shop, and if not, you were rotting away in your home. Plopping yourself down on the dark colored couch, you felt yourself melting into it, your shoulders easing since you were back in the comfort and safety of your home. You looked down at your phone, the time read ‘12:37 pm’, your shift was in an hour. You laid down, your eyes becoming heavy, every time you came back from your psychiatrist, you always felt drained which was ironic to you since you never really spoke to her. Your stomach growled at you right before you fell asleep, choosing to ignore its cry for food once again. You would eat later at work, most likely… maybe… probably not.
You sighed to yourself as you worked on yet another latte for one of your regulars. You briefly recognized her from your scrolling on social media earlier, but unsure where from. If you didn't remember her, it was most likely she was just someone you had a project with or sat next to once and never spoke to again.
“Did you hear about Heartsteel? They’re gonna be at Essence Flux tomorrow night! We have to go, I already called out of work.”
There was that name again, Heartsteel. You’ve heard it quite a bit today, learning a lot of information about them against your will thanks to your lovely customers. One of them even went as far as proclaiming that they were gonna sleep with one of the members. Good luck girl.
“Vanilla latte for Lux.”
You set the cup down as you turned around to make another drink. Rolling your eyes as you heard the girls chatting amongst themselves about ‘how cute the one guy with green hair is.’ You haven’t heard this much talk about a band in a few years, the last time was K/DA having their comeback. One of your classmates in your concert choir class somehow, god knows how, was scouted by K/DA. When you heard about this, you were appalled for a second, but mostly confused. Why was a big band name paying attention to a university singer? Well, Seraphine was very good at singing, by far the best in that class, but still didn’t add up. You spoke to her a couple times, you remember how she complimented your voice. You got butterflies in your stomach and still do whenever you think about it. You never thought the one thing you were most insecure in, was found beautiful by someone else.
Without thinking, in the small soundproof room, you strung your guitar as you sang a small tune, saying whatever came to your mind. You had failed to realize that the door was left open, only by a little bit. But that bit was enough for someone to catch your voice. You sighed as you put your guitar down, feeling exhausted and frustrated with the homework your music teacher had assigned you. “Whatever…” you grumbled to yourself, jumping at the sound of a soft knock.
“Hey… hope I didn’t scare you, but I heard you singing.”
Your face paled as you stared at the pink haired girl. No fucking way she heard you.
“Y-You left the door open..!” She quickly clarified and she waved her hands around, not wanting you to think she randomly walked in on you or was purposefully eavesdropping. She gave you an awkward laugh, smiling as she noticed your shoulders lax, yet your back still remained straight. “Your voice is really beautiful. I know this may sound weird, but it reminds me of a warm summer’s day.” Your face instantly became hot, sweat formed on your hands, feeling too flushed to even look at her, you opted to look at the stained brown carpet.
You said a simple ‘Thanks…’ and she went on her merry way. You quickly packed your things and left the booth. Rushing to get back home, her voice echoed through your head for the remainder of the day. Butterflies flutter around your stomach whenever you thought about her words. You didn’t think your voice was beautiful. Your ex had told you that you ‘sounded like a dying animal’, even though he would ask you to sing him to sleep from time to time when you first started dating.
You untied your black apron, setting it into your locker, grabbing your backpack, and making your way out the backdoor. You quickly recalled the tasks you needed to do before you locked up for the night, not forgetting a single one. You blasted music as you sat on the bus, leaning your head against the window as you watched cars pass by, lights flashing, people sitting outside restaurants, walking to some unknown destination, talking and laughing with their friends. Having a good time, moving forward in their life, one day at a time.
As the bus came to a stop, you in particular noticed a couple who stood in the middle of the sidewalk, the man was on one knee, the girl crying nodding her head profusely. A stab of pain arose in your chest, screaming at yourself internally to look away, but you couldn't peel your eyes aways from the happy scene unfolding before you. Feelings of jealousy mixed with feelings of mediocracy, you remember the words Viego would shout at you all the time. His favorite pastime was reminding you of how if you weren’t good enough for him, you wouldn't be good enough for anyone. He loved to compare you to his past lover who had tragically passed away in a car accident. His voice always rang through your mind, his words haunting you. Even after a year, you still couldn’t get away from him.
Finally tearing your gaze away from the happy couple, you opted to just stare at the seat in front of you. You tried to focus your mind on the strange pattern that was printed on the fabric. Your psychiatrist told you that if you ever felt yourself slipping, to focus on the world around you in an attempt to ground yourself. To point out the colors of an object, to note the sounds you could hear, to count how many specific objects you can find. Sometimes it worked. And sometimes it didn’t. You just needed to hold yourself together until you got to your front door.
Your phone lit up, a notification popping up from social media. Your grip tightened on your phone as you saw the username, you quickly typed in the password, tapping on said notification.
‘heyy!! it’s me seraphine, i know this may seem a bit weird, but i’m back in town for a few days and was wondering if you wanted to hang? ^-^’
“What the hell…” Uttering to yourself as you read the message over and over again. Why was Seraphine back in town? Last you heard she was doing an international tour with K/DA and was working on releasing a solo ep. Why would she want to waste time hanging out with you? Hell, you two hardly ever spoke, you worked on a song project for your choir class at the start of the semester and in the middle of it she got recruited and left you hanging.
‘sure, its friday tmrw n i have no classes we can hang whenever’
‘great!!! let’s meet up at this cool restaurant i know of for some lunch! they have the best crepes i’ve ever had!! i’ll send you the address and the menu in the morning!! :DD’
You jumped when you got an instant response, that was something new to you. You quickly checked your calendar on your phone, double checking you had no shifts at the coffee shop nor any appointments set up that you couldn’t remember. You sighed and laid your head back, what the hell were you doing? You’re not much of a social person and going out for lunch with someone you hardly knew was not your typical behavior.
But then again, your psychiatrist has been trying to convince you to step out of your comfort zone and explore the world for some months now. One lunch couldn’t hurt, right? It can’t be that bad. And even if either of you don’t have much to talk about, it’s free food.