Chapter Text
You were only waiting for this moment to be free…
********
Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise
*******
Hunter’s eyes fluttered open.
As usual –the wind blew in frosty from his window, which was high up in the tower of the castle where he slept. As the air bit at his face, he curled into himself snuggling Sprig, his stuffed frog tighter.
When Hunter was younger he’d asked for something to remedy this cold.
“Uncle, may I have another blanket? It gets cold in my room at night.”
“Hmmm? Nonsense. It is healthy for a child to learn to sleep in the cold. How do you expect to fare on your Mountain Trial if I permit you such comforts?” The emperor dismissed.
“Of course sir.” Hunter mumbled, suddenly disgusted that he would ask for such a luxury.
“You have exposed your selfishness today. I am disappointed in you, nephew. “ His uncle sighed.
“Forgive me for asking for such an indulgence.” Hunter bowed his head deeply and clenched his eyes shut.
That day, Hunter had left the Throne Room grateful that he’d only needed a quick scolding for his inconsiderate level of greed. So many scouts slept in cots in the barracks. Hunter had a room of his own in a castle. He knew this. He was privileged.
Of course, when he’d returned to his room to find his mattress stripped of all bedding, he’d realized he hadn’t been further punished for his arrogance, because uncle had wanted to teach him a different type of lesson.
By the time his sheets and covers had been returned, Hunter had build up a tolerance for the cold air, or at least he’d realized that his previous coverings had been more than adequate for sleeping.
At age 16 Hunter knew that should have been used to the chill in the air. Usually he was, but today was particularly nippy.
The sound of fluttering of wings broke sleep. Flapjack flew in through the open window carrying a Black Flyberry Muffin in his feet. He dropped it on Hunter’s pillow and chirped, nudging it forward.
“Flap! I’m not supposed to eat before training.” He whispered.
The little rascal cocked his head and hopped up to nuzzle him, beak to nose.” Hunter felt his scowl melt into a smile. “Okay! It’s not like I can resist that cute little face anyway.” He sighed.
In a few quick bites most of the muffin was gone. Hunter felt a little warmer as his belly grew a bit more full. He extended his palm to offer the bird the large crumbs he’d left behind.
The little palisman gave a whistle of gratitude before gobbling up the leftovers.
Hunter knew he should have turned Flapjack over to Belos immediately.
He’s made of wild magic.
Uncle said Wild Magic was dangerous.
Wild Magic was so interesting.
But it was why Belos was Hunter’s only family, and uncle said…
Well, uncle said… a lot of things.
Hunter stroked the soft red feather’s on the bird’s back. “Now make sure you stay out of sight until I get back.” He warned.
Flapjack chirped warmly.
“I love you too.” Hunter whispered.
__________________________
The morning was quiet, save for the bubbling sound of coffee percolating in the pot and the sizzle of the frying pan.
Outside there was a chill to the New England air and a tuft of snow on the ground. The window was foggy from the contrast of warmth inside the Noceda house, and the below freezing temperatures outside.
Hunter gathered mismatched mugs for the family and set out milk as the coffee brewed. He cut the bread for breakfast toast, as his mother (!) Camila Noceda, cooked the traditional human realm breakfast of eggs and bacon on the stove.
A soft fluttering of wings broke Hunter’s attention.
Recently, the Noceda household had invested in an outdoor bird feeder.
It was a sort of catharsis, carrying out mundane household tasks as the birds came and went, nibbling on the seeds that Hunter left out each night.
Camila had explained that in spite of the cold, several birds did not in fact migrate to warmer places during the winter months.
Today, Hunter felt his heart falter. Their guests consisted of three birds with bright red feathers and black faces.
Flapjack…
No. Not Flapjack. Northern Cardinals.
This was the type of bird that Flapjack had been carved as.
While Hunter was happy to see the little rascals pecking away at the birdseed in the cold winter air, he felt a pull at his heart – even as his chest lit up with a warm bubbling feeling as if his Palismen was telling him, “ I’m always right here.”
Hunter sighed as he went back to slicing the bread when a hollow “thunk” hit the widow. The cardinals were now all chirping loudly. They had flown from the feeder to the ground where they stood in a circle.
“Be right back, Mama!” Hunter called out, pushing through the back door, not even bothering with a coat.
_________
The frozen air whipped around Hunter’s face. He got the key! He got the key with the Titan’s Blood, and he was useful! Uncle wasn’t going to replace him!
The little bird twittered quickly. The noise began to take shape. The palisman was talking to him?
I’m here! I’m with you!
“ Oh, hey. You stuck with me the whole time, huh, bird?” Hunter laughed.
Flapjack.
“I think I understood that!” Hunter exclaimed, “I-Is that your name? Can you say it again?”
________________
Flapjack.
Hunter knelt down in the snow, not even registering the cold wet feeling on his knees. The three red cardinals hopped slightly away revealing what was in the middle. Another bird. A similar one. But it had a brown body with the same black markings as the others.
From his studies, Hunter immediately realized that this was a female cardinal.
She was stuck in the snow, twitching in some sort of pain.
Gently, he scooped up the bird in his hands. The three smaller birds hopped around anxiously.
Slowly a shadow passed over him. It stretched out across the blanket of snow.
"You wouldn’t want to harm your precious palisman. Would you?"
Hunter saw his shadow.
The antlers stretched from his skull, distorting his body. His hands closed around Flapjack … and he squeezed.
“NO!” Hunter heard his voice crack. “NO NO NO!”
Hunter’s breath was ragged. The cold burned in his lungs.
"HANG IN THERE HUNTER"
“Hunter? Mama, que paso?”
Vee.
Vee was there, in the cemetery.
Vee was here!
"I know you’re in there Hunter!"
Luz.
“Whoa, buddy! sólo respira. Just breathe.” Luz was rubbing his back.
The shadow before him changed. It wasn’t his own, possessed by Belos.
It was the shape of his mother.
Camila knelt down in front of Hunter and took his shaking hands in her own.
He slid his eyes up meet hers.
“It’s my fault.” He whispered. “It’s my fault. I did this. I’m so sorry.”
“No, no no.” Camila pulled him into a tight hug. “No baby. It’s okay.” She sighed heavily. “She flew into the window and broke her wing. That’s all.”
Hunter stayed put. Knees locked in the snow.
“I cr-crushed – It was m-me. I saw …”
The antlers stretched from his skull, distorting his body. His hands closed around Flapjack … and he squeezed.
“Luz, can you grab a blanket for your brother? Let’s get him inside.” Camila’s voice sounded like it was in a tunnel. “Vee. Grab a shoebox and some towels. We’re going to take this mama bird and fix her up.”
“ M-Mama bird?” Hunter’s voice broke into a sob.
“Si, mijo” Camila whispered. “Do not worry. We’re going to put out some extra feed for her babies and make sure they are nice and safe too.”
A warm weight hugged Hunter’s shoulders. The blanket.
Hunter let Camila, Luz and Vee …
No
Hunter let his mother and sisters help him to his feet. In choppy clips he saw himself pass through the house, to the doorway of the basement and allowed Luz to guide him down to his room.
“Mama will be right down.” Luz whispered. “Just hang on.” She pulled him into a side hug as he rested his head on her shoulder.
Every time Hunter closed his eyes his mind drifted to another memory.
—----------------------
“Are you hurt?”
Hunter was used to silence.
Silence in his room.
Silence from his uncle.
How odd that the little bird palisman’s constant chirps of concern were so comforting.
“It’s okay Flapjack! I know how to patch myself up.”
“I mean your heart. Are you hurt?”
How odd that the little bird palisman seemed to see what no one else could.
“I’ll be fine. I got uncle Titan’s Blood. I’m useful again.“
___________________________
“Flapjack!”
Hunter’s eyes fluttered open.
“Shhh.” A voice soothed. Vee sat closeby, gently rubbing his back. “We’re right here.” The basilisk whispered, “You’re safe, I promise.” Hunter’s head was so heavy. Still, he managed to give a nod and let out a breath before drifting back to sleep.
_____________________________________
“Please. Careful.”
“He knows. He knows I was there.”
“I will keep you safe.”
“Stay away from him Flap. If he comes for me, fly away.”
“I won’t leave you.”
“Please. You have to.”
“I love you.”
“I love you too. I love you… you need to leave because I love you.”
“Won’t leave. Because I love you.”
—-------------------------------------
“I love you. I love you.” Hunter heard himself mumbling.
The scent of lavender filled his senses. Soft fingertips danced across his damp forehead.
“I love you too.” whispered a melodic voice.
Now Hunter’s head was on Willow’s shoulder. He wondered when she had gotten there. As the room came into focus, he saw Amity and Gus nearby, playing Hexes Hold’em.
His body worked to sit up, but his lack of will had turned him to jelly. “The bird.” he rasped.
Gus must have heard him. Out of the crack of his eyes, Hunter saw his younger friend draw a spell circle, which floated the blanket to cover himself and Willow up to their chins.
Amity’s eyes softened as Hunter’s body allowed the weight to settle around him.
“T-the bird…” he stuttered once more.
“She’s fine.” Willow whispered. “Just rest.”
Willow returned to stroking his hair. She hummed quietly.
Hunter could hear his mother and sisters upstairs. Willow kissed him gently on his forehead, “Rest.” She commanded softly.
“Yes, Captain.” Hunter responded allowing himself drift back to sleep.
—----------------------------
“You wouldn’t want to harm your precious palisman. Would you?”
Hunter saw his shadow.
The antlers stretched from his skull, distorting his body. His hands closed around Flapjack … and he squeezed.
“Don’t blame yourself,” Flap had whispered. “Philip tricks people. It’s what he does.”
“I killed you.”
“No. You didn’t.”
“I did! My hands. MY hands crushed you. I killed you. Oh. Titan. I killed you!”
“It’s not your fault.” Flap had said. Hunter felt his body fill with golden light.
“You are going to survive. You are going to outlive him and have a beautiful life.”
“No. Don’t do this! Flapjack, please! I KILLED YOU.”
It’s not your fault.
“I don’t deserve this. Don’t do this! I don’t deserve this!”
It’s not your fault.
It’s not your fault.
It’s not your fault.
—------------------------
“It’s not your fault, Mijo.” Camila was whispering. “Shhh. It’s not your fault.”
Hunter stirred. Now his head was on his mother’s shoulder. She was holding him. Rocking him gently, whispering over and over again.
“It’s not your fault.”
Hunter’s whole body burst awake. Adrenaline pushed its way through his muscles. His vision was white and spotty. His breath fast.
“I killed… I crushed… he’s… she’s…”
“Shhh. No no no.” Camila shook her head and put out her five fingers to help him count his breaths.
- 2. 3. 4.
Slowly, the basement around them came back into focus. Hunter’s eyes remained wide.
“I killed the bird.” He whispered. “I killed her. I -I!”
Camila sat on her knees in front of him.
“Shhh. No, niňo precioso. She’s fine, just a broken wing.”
Hunter sat up as well. He curled up with his legs crossed.
“I killed …” he repeated.
“No. You didn’t. Shhhhh.” Camila shook her head. “Shhhh.”
“Flapjack.” Hunter whispered. “I killed him.”
“Oh, mijo. No, no no.” Camila sat close. “Cariňo. I know you’re hurting. Just take your time. I am here to help.”
Hunter believed that she wanted to help him. Here was this kind woman. Her whole livelihood was to heal animals. Creatures who had no voice for themselves. And here she was comforting him. Someone who had dutifully trapped and fed so many helpless palisman to the emperor.
And then? When Flap had trusted him? When Flap had looked past all that?
Hunter felt a fluttering in his chest, remnants of what he had lost likely meant to comfort him, but it just deepened his shame. The tears burst from his eyes.
“None of it is your fault.” his mother said softly.
Camila took his hand in hers, but Hunter turned away, unable to look her in the eye.
“I killed him, Camila. It was me. I s-s-saw…”
The antlers stretched from his skull, distorting his body. His hands closed around Flapjack … and he squeezed.
“M-mom!” He sobbed. Camila reached up slowly and held his face in her hands.
“Shhh. It’s okay Mijo!” She hugged him tight. “It’s not your fault.”
“Mama, I did! You saw…”
“It’s not your fault.” Camila whispered again. “Shhhhh, cariňo, listen to me.” She rocked him gently in her arms. “The bird is going to be okay, but I am worried about you.”
“Y-you shouldn’t be.” His words were more bitter than he’d expected.
“I am, baby. I am worried.” Camila told him. “But you know what? Also? I am so proud of you.”
“Huh?” Hunter heard himself say between sobs. “You’re..”
“I am so proud of you, Hunter. You want so badly to make things right.”
“But I can’t!” he gasped, “I can’t –”
“You try so hard. And you cause yourself pain trying to make things better. I am so proud to have you as my son. You are so kind hearted.”
“But I killed Flapjack! I gave – Belos all of those palisman and just stood there while he… I did so many things because he told me to, and then, Flap trusted me and I…”
“Mijo.” Camila said once more. This time her voice was steady and filled with emotion. “Mijo. Do you know why we moved here? To Gravesfield?”
“L-Luz said that your – that her dad..”
“Manny was sick…” Camila sighed, “And the doctors where we lived? Well. We were told that the best ones were here, near Gravesfield, soooo?”
Camila gave Hunter a smile. It was not bright. Not like the ones she gave him when he called her “mama”, or the ones she gave him when she watched Hunter and his sisters nerding out over something new – when she thought he wasn’t looking, or even the gentle ones when she told him that she loved him.
The smile did not travel to her eyes, which looked tired. Lived in.
“We moved,” Camila sighed, “We went to new hospital. We did everything we were supposed to, mijo.. I told Luz it would be okay. And then one day? Well? It just didn’t work out the way we’d hoped.”
Hunter let out a soft, knowing sob. Camila held him tighter.
“And every day, mijo?” His mother continued, “I replayed those moments in my mind. And I looked at Luz and I felt like I had failed her.”
Hunter found himself rubbing Camila’s back. Now he was comforting her.
“But we go on, mijo.” She sighed, “Because we were loved by those we’ve lost and they give us their love to hold on to, because they trusted us and they thought we were worth it. And maybe one day? We can accept that.”
“Flapjack trusted me.” Hunter whispered.
“Manny trusted me.” Camila agreed.
“But it wasn’t your fault, mama…” Hunter whispered.
“And even if it was different mijo? How it happened?” Camila offered, “Losing Manny? Losing Flapjack? It wasn’t your fault either. They trusted us and wanted the best for us.”
“I trust you mama.” Hunter said softly.
“And I trust you, mijo.” Camila answered, “And, Flapjack? It’s not your fault, Hunter. He loved you. I love you.”
Hunter’s body broke into heavy sobs. His mother. His mother . She held him tight. Rocking him slowly. “Shhhh.” She whispered. He was 16! This was not behavior befitting of a 16 year old!
This is years of you not being allowed to feel your feelings. Whispered a voice from behind his heart. This is you, Hunter. This is the child you were never allowed to be. This is you breaking free from the cage of fear. And I am so happy I found you.
“I am so happy Luz found you.” Camila sighed. “My brave, kind, son.”
Hunter felt a heavy breath leave his body. Camila was still holding him. He was taller than her, and right now? Right now he felt so small, so protected.
He wiped his eyes with his hand.
“Did you want to come upstairs and help us dress the Mama bird’s wing?” Camila offered.
“You would let me do that?” he whispered.
“Of course!” Camila smiled. “And the girls are putting out a little hutch and special feeder for the baby birds so they can all be safe together while she heals.”
“I would love to help them build something.” Hunter admitted.
“That is because your hands are meant to create, mijo.” Camila smiled. “You are going to create, and bring beautiful things into your realm and this one. And I will never stop being proud watching you become who you truly are.”
Letting out one more long breath, Hunter gently let go of Camila.
“Will I ever not blame myself?” He sighed. “Will I always feel this way?”
“Oh, mijo.” Camila smiled sadly. “Guilt is such a rough thing. But I will be here to help you through it. We all will. You have so many who love you so much. We will all be here with you to help you. It’s NOT your fault, mijo. None of it is. And you may not always believe that for a very long time, but we are not going to give up on you until you begin to heal, so you can begin to believe.”
“What if I don’t.” Hunter shrugged. “What if I can’t?”
Camila pursed her lips. “Well? How about we try a little something together that might help you on your way?”
edits by @probablyhuntersmom on Tumblr!