once more, the heart yearns

by Akane000

Summary:

The first time Aditha let love into his life, his entire life (and his heart) went up in flames. After that experience, Aditha's scared; terrified to even think about love again. Nevertheless, love knocks on his door, one more time.

Notes:

hello all! i know it's been a while since you've seen me in the fandom, but i'm back for now to post this fic - this has been sitting in my drafts for too long and i finally thought, it's enough, let's publish it.

my good friend rafedane has been a huge inspiration and motivation for me to do this - their story "marujenmam" acted as a huge pillar to this story, along with my other good friend childofthenight2035 aruldevan stories - both of their works are so good and have only been inspiring!! additionally to these, rwrb has also been an inspiration - red for aditha and blue for vanthi anyone?

since i'm finally posting this around christmas time, consider this a (belated) christmas present from me to you @rafe and @childofthenight <333 and everyone else in the fandom, i hope you'll enjoy reading this too!! happy holidays :)

Chapter 1: soft sunsets

Aditha prays, actually prays this time. He folds his hands and bows his head to this statue in front of him, like she used to do. There was no point in doing anything else —no point blaming, no point demanding for answers, no point in lamenting because she wasn't there anymore. She's not on this earth anymore. Aditha sighs heavily, praying that she's finally found her peace, wherever she is right now. He likes to believe that she's in heaven, smiling like she used to when she was sixteen.

 

He finishes his prayer, opens his eyes and looks up. The sky spreads like a vast blanket above him — a vast, blue blanket. He's seen more red than any other colour in his life but Aditha starts thinking that he likes this blue. It reminds him of a dear friend — his smile friendly and welcoming, and soft and warm, just like this blue. Sometimes, he wants to fall into it. 

 

"Ilavarase!" comes a voice that he's happy to hear every time he hears it. In the privacy of his own quarters, when the moon is high up in the sky, he silently admits to himself that he wants to hear it more.

 

"Vallavaraiya," he breathes, turns and looks at that dashing smile that he was just thinking about. His friend has been doing that lately, occupying his thoughts without Aditha even realising it and it scares him sometimes. 

 

"Are you done with your prayers?" he asks, soft. Aditha simply nods his head to that.

 

"Then let's go?" Vanthiyathevan gives one last look at him before turning around and leading him forward. Aditha follows, happily. There's no one else that he trusts so much.

 

"I wonder what we'll have for lunch?" he hears Vanthiyathevan speaking to himself right in front of him. He reminds him of Nandini in some ways — how she often used to talk to herself and Aditha was just content enough to sit by her side and listen to her. He liked that. He loved that he was appreciated either way, even when he didn't have much to contribute to the conversation. He liked that Nandini loved him, even in silence. Vanthiyathevan was similar in that way; he never prodded him to speak and was just content with sharing things with him. It made Aditha smile every time.

 

"We can have whatever you want," Aditha says, equally soft. 

 

Vanthiyathevan turns back and smiles even more widely at him. Aditha didn't think that was possible.

 

Something begins inside his chest — a flutter or a stampede, Aditha doesn't know yet.

 

-

 

The days go by quickly, spent by Vanthiyathevan's side and his battalion. There's no war in the land anymore, but after Nandini's death, there's really nothing left for Aditha within the palace's walls, so he takes to venturing out once again. Vanthiyathevan, being the loyal man he is,  joined him without a doubt. Aditha is thankful for him everyday. 

 

Just because there's no war, doesn't mean that the borders will stay safe. So Aditha takes over protecting their borders, until he has to become king anyway. Just thinking about the crown that caused so much chaos makes his skin crawl.

 

He spots a lively shop on his rounds around the neighbouring village. Stops there and examines a blue bracelet hanging gracefully. It looks like the same blue of the sky. The women and men alike stare at him, chattering away quietly and Aditha, for a moment considers abandoning his mission and running away, to spare the embarrassment. Eventually, he manages to hold his ground. Pays and tips the shopkeeper and walks back to his horse, a brown parcel tucked safely in his belt.

 

"Ilavarase!" he's greeted by Vanthiyathevan's voice as soon as he enters the area where his battalion is stationed. "How were the rounds?"

 

Aditha smiles, unbeknownst to him and then when he realises it, he shakes his head to let it fall off his face. 

 

"It was good," he says, firmly. "Nothing really worth mentioning. "

 

Vanthiyathevan sighs and Aditha selfishly thinks that it's because his friend is happy that he's safe. He doesn't even know why he wishes so. 

 

Vanthiyathevan steps closer to his horse and Aditha has to hold himself back from reacting in any extravagant way, like moving towards said man. He stares at Vanthiyathevan quizzically, trying to understand why he's behaving like this. 

 

Vanthiyathevan,  oblivious to his internal turmoil, steps closer and coddles his horse. It's a well known fact around the camp that no one touches Aditha's horse, except for the crown prince himself and Vanthiyathevan.

 

"Hey Nanba, thank you for keeping our prince safe today again," Vanthiyathevan whispers just loudly enough to the horse, so that Aditha could hear him too. And then his eyes look up at him, a smile playing on his lips and Aditha groans. 

 

"Enough playing around, help him get settled in the stables please," he says and gets off his horse in one swell swoop, and makes his escape to his tent. 

 

He doesn't see Vanthiyathevan's gaze that never leaves him.

 

As they're sipping on drinks and sharing the sunset, Aditha suddenly remembers the forgotten little package in his belt. 

 

"Oh wait, I have something for you." He gets up and makes the short walk to grab his armour; feels Vanthiyathevan's eyes on him. It makes him shiver.

 

He pulls the little package out, goes over to sit next to his friend and hands it to him.

 

"Indha," he says, gently placing the package in his palm. Their hands brush and Aditha smiles again. Doesn't bother fighting it this time.

 

Vanthiyathevan holds the tiny brown package tenderly, carefully. Aditha wonders if he'll hold his heart the same way? He jolts at the sudden thought that came out of nowhere and slaps his own arm with his other hand.

 

That makes Vanthiyathevan jolt. "What happened?" 

 

Aditha gulps. He can't tell him that it's because his heart is confused every moment longer he spends by his side.

 

"Nothing, just a mosquito," he manages, waving his hand. Vanthiyathevan looks at him suspiciously for a moment, before his attention is back on the package sitting in his palm.

 

"Open it."

 

Vanthiyathevan does as he's asked and then gasps. A blue bracelet sits on his palm where the brown package was. 

 

"This is —

 

"I happened to come across it during my rounds today and I thought it would suit you?" Inside his head, Aditha berates himself for sounding like a complete fool. Why is he behaving like an eighteen year old in love?

 

Vanthiyathevan grins again and Aditha wants to run. His mind warns him of danger but his heart convinces him to stay. 

 

"This is– it's so beautiful. I love it."

 

Aditha smiles, genuinely, truly and happy and he wonders when was the last time he smiled like that.

 

He wonders what his face looks like as he watches Vanthiyathevan struggle to tie that little bracelet around his hand. Fond, maybe.

 

Aditha sighs, definitely fond. "Here, let me."

 

He doesn't look up but he feels Vanthiyathevan's breath hitch. His hand tightens on his wrist for just a second, before he lets go and goes back to maintaining a respectable distance between them.

 

He watches Vanthiyathevan admire the blue band on his wrist. He also watches his cheeks flush with something red. Doesn't say anything. It must be the alcohol, yeah.

 

-

 

Night comes quicker than Aditha wishes. He feels like just a moment ago he was looking at Vanthiyathevan's features, illuminated softly by the sunset, and now he's staring at the faded white insides of his tent.

 

His hands clutch a shawl close to his chest — her shawl. That one piece of clothing alone had somehow stayed in his line of sight. Aditha can't remember now when and how he got possession of it but he remembers when he found it again. He didn't even remember he had it until it tumbled out of his cupboard one early morning. He was dressing up for Nandini's funeral — a private occasion, just for the members of the royal family. Aditha remembers pushing down the rage that threatened to break through his teeth and tumble out of his mouth. Nandini was royalty and she deserved a grand funeral, much grander than whatever this was. But clearly, no one in their family cared as all she was in their eyes was a poisonous snake. He remembers shutting his eyes tight, so that he wouldn't see any of the cold stares of his family. He remembers closing his eyes and thinking of her.

 

Ever since that day, her shawl had just become an object of comfort for him. It's been a year already, but he still holds it close to him. If he closes his eyes and tries hard enough, he can imagine her in his arms.

 

Enough of that Aditha , he admonishes himself. Anymore of this and people will think you've finally lost it. That you've finally become crazy.

 

The rosy time he had at sunset bleeds away to something darker. Aditha clutches the shawl like he's in pain — it's a miracle that it doesn't tear under his strong grip.

 

He turns to his side, trying to distract his mind from leaping into the depths and being trapped there. He spots Vanthiyathevan just a few feet away from him, sleeping on a pai on the floor. He offered to get him a separate bed but that stubborn man just wouldn't listen. The memory pulls another smile out of him.

 

Aditha tenses. He's been smiling way too often these days, and only around him. Why? Is it because I've known him for so long? Is it because I trust him so much?

 

But that much is obvious right? he thinks to himself. After all, who wouldn't smile around a trusted friend?

 

He thinks of Parthibendra and how he smiles around him. But Aditha doesn't really smile around the man, so his brain comes up empty. He knows that it has nothing to do with his betrayal; they're past that now.

 

It's only Vanthiyathevan who has this effect on him. It's almost like —

 

The moment the thought enters his head, Aditha's blood runs cold. He was just going to say her name, that it's almost like when he used to smile around Nandini all the time. That it's almost like when he realised that he was in love with Nandini.

 

Aditha sits up on his bed, hair tousled. His heart beats hard and fast, like he's running a marathon and his brain threatens to fill itself with thoughts that he'd rather not think about.

 

Am I in love? he thinks, confused. His eyes flit over to Vanthiyathevan's resting body, before coming back to stare blankly at his sheets.

 

  Love. It was something Aditha thought he'd never feel again after it was ripped away from him the first time. He never wanted to suffer like that again, but more so, he never wanted the one he loved to suffer like that, ever again. 

 

He's pulled out from his head by some sounds coming from where Vanthiyathevan was sleeping. Alert, Aditha pushes away his thoughts for now and just listens. He can hear Vanthiyathevan shuffling in his sleep from this close. When Aditha looks closer, the Vaanar soldier looks like he’s trembling. Aditha’s own heart trembles without his permission. He's about to get up and go closer to him when he hears Vanthiyathevan whisper something. 

 

"Amma! no - no, I'm sorry!"

 

Aditha stills on his bed, holding his breath. Even from here, he can see sweat forming a thin line over his forehead.

 

"I'm sorry that I couldn't save you, ma!" 

 

Vanthiyatheven's voice is deep and heavy with sleep, but Aditha hears it all the same. His heart breaks like it's a porcelain vase that someone throws on the floor. Shatters . The jagged edges come back to pierce him. 

 

As Aditha continues to watch the trembling man on the floor, with tears in his eyes, he realises that he's indeed, in love.

Chapter 2: devastating dreams

Summary:

Aditha tries to understand his own feelings better and we get to know more about Vanthi's nightmare and his past.

Notes:

Hello y'all! I am so sorry for this long absence - I hope I haven't kept many of you waiting. If you're still here, thank you for continuing to read and remembering this story. January was a pretty crazy month for me - I had to deal with some medical stuff and recovery took a while. Then procrastination started attacking me *sigh*. Amongst all that, my close friend rafe helped me stay motivated to update this fic. Sorry for the long wait again, and I hope I'll be able to keep a more proper updating schedule. Enjoy <3

The next day, they patrol together. Aditha makes sure to stick even closer to Vanthiyathevan than usual. The latter even bats an eye at him, tries making funny faces at him to try and figure him out. It's difficult, but Aditha manages not to give in. 

 

A while later, Vanthiyathevan gets used to it too and enjoys the new arrangement as much as he can. They're riding so close that their knees brush occasionally.  Every time Vanthiyathevan leans over, Aditha has to stop himself from leaning away and falling off his horse. Or worse, leaning closer. 

 

Aditha spends more time staring at him. He thinks (hopes) that Vanthiyathevan won't mind; after all, the man's made no effort to shut him down any of the previous times. Why would he start now?

 

There were no signs that he went through a nightmare, save for a few dark circles under his eyes. Aditha frowns at the memory. He wanted to embrace Vanthiyathevan right then and comfort him, but he was too shocked by his own internal revelations to do much of anything. He wished that Vanthiyathevan would be more honest with him, especially if something was hurting him.

 

As his eyes go over the tiny wrinkles on Vanthiyathevan's forehead, down the bridge of his nose (oh, there's a small mole there), and the swell of his cheekbone, Aditha thinks about what a weird feeling love is. He hasn't felt it in years; never thought he would feel it again, but now it's here and it feels like it never left. It just looks different. Instead of small hips and tender hands, now it's broad shoulders and soft smiles, and he likes them both. 

 

Love visiting again feels like you're stepping into your house after years. It's still your house— you know every nook and corner, know where to turn to find the bathroom, know what's up the stairs when you climb them. But everything's covered with dust and cobwebs, having not been in use for a while. 

 

But the feeling that fills his whole body when his eyes stop at Vanthiyathevan's crown of curls is almost similar. Beautiful , he thinks. 

 

It seems like Vanthiyathevan's had enough, because that's when he chooses to turn and look at him, raising an eyebrow that goes into his curls. "Ilavarase, is there something on my face?"

 

Aditha panics; tries not to show it on his face. He clears his throat, once, twice, before turning away swiftly. 

 

"Ilavarase?" 

 

Aditha sighs. He's not going to let this go, is he?

 

Aditha turns to face him, steeling himself. "Enna?"

 

"Onnum illa, it's just that you were staring at me, so I was wondering if there was something on my face?"

 

Aditha's hand connects with Vanthiyathevan's cheek then, albeit softly. His fingers come away, holding a small creature in-between. 

 

"Mosquito," he grins. "Happy?" 

 

As Aditha busies himself with getting his brain to think about anything other than Vanthiyathevan, Vanthiyathevan's fingers come up to his cheek to feel the leftover warmth there. 

 

The soldiers in front of them stop – for a break Aditha guesses. They have been riding for a while. 

 

He pats the white fur of his horse, looks around the area to figure out where they were. His heart thunders in his chest painfully when he realises exactly where they are. 

 

His head immediately whips to Vanthiyathevan and by the look in the other man's eyes, he knows too. Of course he does.  

 

They’re near Vallam — Vanthiyathevan's birthplace. The nightmare floods Aditha's brain again. He wills it to go away.

 

The smile that always graces Vanthiyathevan's lips is nowhere to be seen. That simply won't do.

 

Aditha makes his decision. He gently pats Vanthiyathevan. The man turns to look at him, eyes holding a question. 

 

"Vaa." 

 

Aditha gets off his horse, Vanthiyathevan follows. As soon as they're quite a bit away from the others, Aditha’s hand reaches behind him to hold Vanthiyathevan's wrist. He holds him gently, but firmly and Vanthiyathevan lets him. Something about that makes Aditha's heart sing.

 

They walk for a while longer, Vanthiyathevan slightly behind him, while Aditha leads him along. They slowly start to see the outline of a city. Vanthiyathevan's hand in his shivers; protests.

 

Aditha turns back and looks at him with what he hopes is the softest gaze he can muster. "Don't worry," he says, voice low, "I'm with you, Vallavaraiya." 

 

Vanthiyathevan's hand in his (which was tense) goes slack at that. Aditha squeezes it. He stops again, a few steps later, because he needs to know.

 

"Unless you don't want to?"

 

Vanthiyathevan looks into his eyes then. His soft brown eyes suddenly look small and unsure and Aditha recognizes it as fear. 

 

"I–I want to, but– but," he sighs. Struggles. Aditha waits, patiently. 

 

"I'm scared," he voices out. It barely comes out as a whisper, but it's loud to Aditha's ears. He admires this man for the courage he holds in his heart.

 

"It's okay to be scared," Aditha says. He feels like Vanthiyathevan is listening to every word that drops out of his mouth so he tries his best to make them meaningful. "I won't let you go through it alone."

 

Vanthiyathevan sighs. Breathes. Aditha breathes with him. 

 

And when a small smile appears on Vanthiyathevan's face, Aditha feels like he's won the greatest battle of all— the battle against fear.

 

They continue walking, their hands joined. Vanthiyathevan stops in front of a small temple at the entrance of the city. 

 

"This is the temple deity that protects our borders," he explains. Clears his throat. "That used to protect our borders," he corrects.

 

Aditha wonders if Vanthiyathevan lost faith in God like he did too? For how can one believe in a deity who's never there when they need them the most?

 

He steps inside the holy grounds. Aditha follows. They stop in front of the deity who’s staring at them with her big eyes. Kungumam lines her eyes like kohl.

 

He watches Vanthiyathevan fold his hands and pray. Wonders what he's praying for. Aditha closes his eyes and prays himself, he knows what he's praying for. He prays that Vanthiyathevan's smile will never fall off his face; for this man to be happy and safe, always.

 

They walk around this small town after, it was mostly in ruins. A few people still lived here, but none recognized Vanthiyathevan. Aditha follows the man closely, to try and notice any change in his expression.

 

Looking at the destroyed state of this town hurts Aditha beyond comprehension. He wonders how Vanthiyathevan is feeling looking at all this. Maybe he made a mistake by bringing him here. 

 

They suddenly stop in front of a large banyan tree. Aditha stands closer to Vanthiyathevan;  waits for him to say anything. 

 

"This is where I buried my mother," he says. 

 

Aditha stares at him, shocked. He doesn't think anyone else knows about Vanthiyathevan's past, because he's known him the longest, and he doesn’t know. He's wanted to ask the man several times before, but that sad smile that crept on his face every time he mentioned Vallam was enough to make Aditha steer away from the topic.

 

"Inga enna aachu?" Aditha asks, voice cracking. Vanthiyathevan tells him everything,  all while looking at his mother's grave. Tells him about how the Pandiyas invaded his homeland, how they robbed everything away from them. And as if robbing the material things wasn't enough, they murdered people too. 

 

Vanthiyathevan's mother was one of them. He had to watch as a sword pierced his mother's stomach. Hear her dying wails. 

 

Aditha couldn't bear to hear more; he was shaking— both with rage and grief. His blood boils as the world keeps giving him more reasons to hate his sworn enemy, even long after he's dead. First, for lying to Nandini for her whole life, and now this. He takes a deep breath and dares himself not to cry. He will not cry, not when this dear man is standing next to him, without shedding even a single tear. 

 

Vanthiyathevan looks up at him finally, a tired smile on his face. Aditha can't hold himself back any longer. 

 

His feelings roar like a tornado as he pulls Vanthiyathevan close and embraces him. Vanthiyathevan tenses in his arms for a small moment, before embracing him back. The two men just stand like that for a while. A cuckoo coos above their head. 

 

He feels the side of his neck becoming wet and he almost cries himself. His hands press Vanthiyathevan tighter to his body, as if they want to hide him inside his own skin. Aditha would gladly allow it. He's worried if Vanthiyathevan would though.

 

But the young Vaanar clan warrior does nothing to show any repulsion. He just holds Aditha tighter. 

 

Aditha lets his fingers find Vanthiyathevan's curls and weave through them. He feels him sigh on his shoulder. 

 

They part a moment later. Every cell in Aditha's body screams to not let him go, but he eventually does. 

 

"Thank you Ilavarase," he says, voice watery. 

 

"Aditha," he says, trying to sound firm. 

 

"What?" Vanthiyathevan asks him, confused. Aditha huffs.

 

"You don't need to call me Ilavarase anymore..." he says. "We've known each other for so long right?" he tries to give a reason so that Vanthiyathevan would accept it easily.

 

Little did he know that Vanthiyathevan needed no reasoning, no convincing. 

 

"Adhita," he says, grinning. Aditha feels like life is flowing through him again. 

 

He wonders how Vanthiyathevan is able to smile like that after witnessing such horrors. He wonders in awe, about where that courage comes from; where that strength comes from. Wishes he could be that brave.

 

"But this won't do," Vanthiyathevan starts.

 

Aditha sighs, fond. "What now?"

 

"I can't be the only one who calls you differently, you have to call me differently too!" he cheers.

 

Aditha is overtaken by his cheeriness and enthusiasm.  It doesn't feel like they're standing next to a grave — Vanthiyathevan's mother's grave at that. 

 

"Alright, alright," he gives in easily. "What do you suggest?" 

 

Vanthiyathevan ponders for a moment. Aditha looks at the way his tongue comes out to lick his lip, and then disappears back into his mouth again.

 

"Hmm, what about Vanthi? I've always thought my name sounds too long." 

 

Aditha considers it, but he thinks he has a better idea. 

 

"I do like it, but what about Deva?" 

 

Vanthiyathevan looks at him, eyes gleaming.  "That sounds so cool! I love it!"

 

Aditha grins at him. "Good." He silently hopes that Vanthiyathevan’s mother approves too. 

 

He doesn't tell him the reason why he chose that part of his name. Dev or Deva is used to signify gods usually. Aditha should have died the day Nandini stabbed him, but he was saved, by none other than this brilliant man. He's his God in a way, because the only reason Aditha is still here is because of him. 

 

He was given a second chance at life by this wonderful human being and he wants to respect him and thank him for that. 

 

And love him too, if he's allowed.

Notes:

Hope you all liked this chapter! Let me know about your thoughts so far in the comments :)

Chapter 3: syncing souls

Summary:

Aditha and Vanthi finally arrive at the peak of their feelings and they figure things out - woohoo!! ft. some angst from Aditha's past.

Notes:

I'm still alive y'all, i apologise for the long absence once again. i'm really not used to updating multi-ch fics so it's been quite a challenge for me. but your comments and support and love really keep me going, so thank you so so much and i hope you all enjoy this chapter! <3

 

They're sitting side by side and the sun's setting again. Aditha's begun to associate sunsets with Vanthiyathevan. Vanthiyathevan is normally cheery and bright, like the blue sky, but when the day quietens down, so does he, and Aditha revels in the different, softer, quieter sides that he gets to see of the man.

 

Like now for example— they're sitting close to one another; closer than the last time when they shared a sunset together. Vanthiyathevan's hand rests peacefully on top of Aditha's. Aditha soaks in that warmth, greedily.

 

"When are we going back home?" Vanthiyathevan asks, out of the blue. 

 

Aditha turns to look at him, tearing his attention away from the sky. He can't quite understand the expression on his face, is it longing? Does he want to go back to Thanjai?

 

Vanthiyathevan speaks like he was reading his mind. "You don't have to think that hard, Aditha, I was just asking. I was just wondering why you never talk about wanting to go home."

 

This man doesn't really give him the time to appreciate the small things does he? He wanted to appreciate the way his name fell out of his lips, but there he goes, reading him like an open book. 

 

Aditha sighs. It sounds heavy even to his own ears. Home . How long has it been since he's been there willingly? After they chased out Nandini, the only thought on his mind was to leave. The only person he was sad about leaving behind at the time was his youngest brother Arulmozhi, who was still a child. Aditha adores his siblings, Kundavai included. But after that incident, it became harder to do the same; to care the same way. 

 

He still remembers how he ran screaming for Nandini; still remembers how no one else moved a muscle. How they just stared at him like they didn't know who he was anymore; how they acted blind to his pain. How they made him feel unsafe in his own home, so much so that he wanted to leave. And all this was the courtesy of his family. Ridiculous, because how can life be so cruel to him time and again?

 

He feels Vanthiyathevan's hand squeezing his and returns to the present. 

 

"Aditha, I'm sorry— I didn't mean to ask—

 

"Deva, it's okay. It's okay."

 

Vanthiyathevan looks like he wants to tell him that it's not okay. Like he wants to tell him that he's shivering , but doesn't because he’s a good man like that— he knows that would make the situation difficult for Aditha.

 

But Aditha thinks that Vanthiyathevan loses that battle with himself, because a moment later, he's in his Deva's arms. 

 

Aditha breathes him in; loses himself for a moment. 

 

"I'm sorry," comes a voice from his hair. 

 

Aditha chuckles. "What for? You don't have anything to apologise for, Deva." 

 

Vanthiyathevan shakes his head. Such a stubborn man, Aditha thinks fondly. He wonders who he gets it from; wishes he had the chance to know Vanthiyathevan's parents.

 

"We don't have to go home if you don't want to of course," he begins. Aditha listens. He loves the cadences in his voice. "But will you tell me why?" 

 

Aditha sighs and sits up in his arms. It's not his favourite thing to talk about but he didn't know this gem of a man then. Now that he’s here in his life, he deserves to know. 

 

He tells him everything. About himself, Nandini, Kundavai and his family. About how he learnt the meaning of courage, when he held Nandini's smaller hand in his and announced her as the future queen of the Chozha Kingdom when he was just eighteen. About how that meaning was killed and buried six feet under when the royal family ripped them apart and sent Nandini away from him. About how, he never felt quite at home after that. About how he never really slept well after that. About how, for one weak minute, he thought that it would have been better if his family never existed. And then how he slapped himself and cried to himself in his room for hours after that.

 

Then he left for war, and then that's where he met Vanthiyathevan. In a place where hope didn’t exist, Aditha found him — his guiding light. 

 

By the time he finished, Vanthiyathevan's eyes were gleaming with tears. Aditha worries.

 

"Deva?" he questions, his fingers gently brushing away the salt water. 

 

Vanthiyathevan's hands comes up to hold his. Aditha's eyes don't leave him. 

 

"I don't know much of what to say except that I'm so so sorry Aditha," he says. Cries. It's Aditha's turn to hold him.

 

"It was a long time ago, Deva." 

 

"But the wounds are still there inside you, aren't they? These kinds of things, you can't forget them." 

 

Aditha doesn't say anything to that; doesn't know what to say. Vanthiyathevan sniffles harder. 

 

Aditha sighs; holds him closer; rests his chin on his shoulder.

 

"But I- I still love them, you know?" Vanthiyathevan stills in his arms, so Aditha knows that he's listening. 

 

"Part of my life wasn't exactly quiet and peaceful with them around, but I still wouldn't be here without them. I like to think they loved me in their own way, just that I couldn't understand the whole of it." 

 

Vanthiyathevan pulls away just enough to look at him, eyes so soft and tender, that Aditha feels like crying. He thinks he does. And before he knows it, he feels a pair of slightly chapped lips on his. 

 

Vanthiyathevan's actually kissing him?! Before Aditha can decide if this is real or not, he feels the other man pulling back. He puts his arm around him immediately,  grabs the back of his head gently, and pushes forward to meet his lips once more. Vanthiyathevan makes a sound and then kisses him back, surer this time. 

 

When they break apart, Aditha sighs into his mouth, their breaths mingling. Vanthiyathevan swallows them. When he opens his eyes, Aditha's there to welcome him to the world again. 

 

He expects Vanthiyathevan to panic, but he doesn't. Maybe part of him has always known? Aditha often wonders about himself— if these feelings sprang up from the chasm that Nandini left behind, or if some deep part of himself always felt this way towards Vanthiyathevan.  He thinks it's both. 

 

"Do you really love me?" Vanthiyathevan breathes. 

 

Aditha scoffs, pulls him into a bruising kiss as punishment. Takes pleasure in the way Vanthiyathevan's eyes look so dazed before they focus on him again. 

 

"Deva, stop asking silly questions." Vanthiyathevan pouts at that, and Aditha laughs out loud — the eyes crinkling, merry kind of laughter. His eyes shut in his mirth, and he misses the way Vanthiyathevan's face goes so soft at that.

 

When Aditha opens his eyes, Vanthiyathevan's still looking at him, expecting an answer. So he appreciates verbal reassurance, does he? Aditha makes sure to make a mental note. 

 

"Yeah, I love you Deva," Aditha says, truly, the feeling overflowing out of him from his core. It has been ages since the word love left his lips, but he feels just as giddy saying it now, as he used to feel before. "I really didn't think it was possible to fall in love again, let alone love someone like I love you, but it happened anyway. I met you, got to know you, lived with you — you've saved me more times than I can count." 

 

Vanthiyathevan smiles and it looks like he's going to cry again. Aditha kisses him on his cheek. 

 

"I love you too." 

 

Aditha laughs, "I know, and it makes me very happy." 

 

Vanthiyathevan shows him his infamous grin. Aditha doesn't even bother hiding his own this time. It eats into his cheek, happily.

 

"So I guess we won't go home then huh?" Vanthiyathevan asks. Aditha's heart sinks a little at the hint of disappointment in his voice. Fear comes back like a tidal wave that's ready to drown him. 

 

"Hey, Deva, look at me," Aditha pleads. Vanthiyathevan does as he's asked. 

 

"You do know that it's not because of you right?" Vanthiyathevan doesn't answer. Fear multiplies like a virus in Aditha’s chest. 

 

Aditha's hands find his cheek, drawing circles on it. Vanthiyathevan leans into them. 

 

"Are you sure?" he asks, voice small and Aditha breaks for the millionth time. "Of course I understand everything that happened with Nandini devi, but are you sure you don't want to go because I'm a man —

 

Aditha shuts him up with another kiss on his lips. Vanthiyathevan kisses back just as fiercely. After they break apart, Aditha tries to calm his heart that's just about ready to abandon him. He's supposed to be happy but the only thing he can think of are those cold stares that pierce him, and those boiling words that burn him. 

 

And the worst of it always happens to his beloved. Always. 

 

Aditha somehow finds the courage to look into Vanthiyathevan's eyes again, because he won't forgive himself if he hurts this man. 

 

"Deva, I need you to listen to me," he starts, calmly. "This is not about you being a man, it's about me being the Crown Prince and because of that, I'm only allowed to marry someone of known royal blood." 

 

Vanthiyathevan's face sinks at that. 

 

"I'm not finished, Deva.” he says softly. “That's what my sister would say, but I don't care about any of that. Never have." 

 

Vanthiyathevan's face lights up again and Aditha sighs in relief. 

 

"Then what are you worried about?" he asks. 

 

Aditha's face twists in a grimace. It kills him to say it, but he does anyway. He presses his forehead to Vanthiyathevan's and whispers,

"You're better off not falling in love with me, Deva… you'll be better off." 

 

Vanthiyathevan breathes in sharply and his arms come around to grab Aditha's shoulder. He looks like he wants to shake him to know his deepest, darkest fears but decides at the last second to stop.

 

"What the hell are you saying— don't— just— please, don’t say that Aditha— please," he begs. Aditha tears up at that.

 

“Why would you even say something like that? Give me a reason.” Vanthiyathevan asks, voice hoarse and breaking. "Are you by chance, worried that I'll face the same fate as Nandini devi?"

 

Aditha doesn't answer. Vanthiyathevan gets his answer. 

 

"You don't have to worry about that, I'm a soldier! I can protect myself." 

 

Aditha's face goes pale at the very prospect that Vanthiyathevan's even considering that someone might hurt him just for loving him. And he's pretty sure his heart almost stops when he sees that the man is okay with that.

 

"Deva!" he whisper-screams, terrified. " I don't want anyone to even touch you; I can't bear it!" he finishes, desperate.  "Why can't you understand —

 

Vanthiyathevan holds him gently again and Aditha just wants to sink into his embrace and never leave. 

 

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." Aditha thinks that he's making his boyfriend apologise too much. 

 

"Don't apologise so much, it makes me look like I'm being a bad boyfriend." 

 

 Vanthiyathevan chuckles wetly and Aditha smiles into his chest. 

 

He wishes Vanthiyathevan would understand that he can't hurt anyone like that. Not again. But the thought of hiding the one he loves— like he’s ashamed to be with him, tears through Aditha's body, like a sword on skin. 

 

Vanthiyathevan hugs him tighter, as if he can feel his inner turmoil. Aditha sighs into him. 

 

"Then what do you suggest we do? I don't care so much whether your family knows about us or not, but I know you'll care about having their blessings."

 

Even if we don’t tell them, they’ll surely find out, and the repercussions would probably be worse that way, Aditha thinks. Sighs. "I'm a fool aren't I? Even after being burnt so badly; to think that I want to fall into that fire again." 

 

He feels something soft on his forehead — a kiss. 

 

"You're not a fool, you're the bravest person I know; honest and kind and—" 

 

"Alright alright, that's enough, please!" he half-pleads, half-laughs. Vanthiyathevan giggles above him, that dork.

 

Vanthiyathevan always knows how to make him smile and Aditha can never be grateful enough for it. 

 

They fall asleep like that in each other's arms.

Notes:

These two guys getting together was just inevitable in my head, so i didn't put so many words into it, because i feel like deep inside, they've known all along that they care for each other, so that's how the confession played out in my head - hope that makes sense and that you liked it for them :)

Chapter 4: courage, come

Summary:

Aditha and Vanthi make their way towards the Thanjai palace and Aditha has to face his past fears again. Good thing he has his Deva with him.

Notes:

hi guys! i apologise for the terribly long absence again, but i promise this story is still in my heart and will be continued and finished! so i hope you'll stick around (even with my messy updating schedule). i recommend reading through the previous parts again since it's been a while and you will get more of a feel for the story if you do!

we're finally at the Thanjai palace! so you all can expect more drama from here on out! this storyline is sort of separate from canon, so in this universe vanthi doesn't really interact much with kundavai devi - his first meeting with her is in this chapter (just wanted to clear that up for those of you wondering about why vanthi is so shocked to meet the princess).

now, onwards to the story!

Aditha wakes up a little late the next morning, the sun's rays already bright on his face. Vanthiyathevan is not next to him when he wakes, but he finds a red bracelet next to his pillow instead. 

 

He takes it in his fingers, gently, tenderly. Examines it. It looks exactly like the blue bracelet, except that it's in red. Must be one of those pair bracelets that he saw in the stall. Aditha smiles, puts it around his wrist immediately.  

 

"Good morning Aditha!" his beloved calls out from the entrance. Aditha grins at him, waving his hand like a child in front of his face. Vanthiyathevan laughs, comes closer and kisses him.

 

"Do you like it, my prince?" Vanthiyathevan breathes on his face. 

 

Aditha smiles, maybe a bit too soft for his infamous reputation— but he just woke up and his mind is still catching up with reality and the sun is dancing on vanthiyathevan's features so beautifully; he's just a mortal man. He clears his throat, willing himself to come back to the current scenario - his darling boyfriend is still patiently waiting for his answer. Aditha feels the tips of his own ears go warm as he admits in a low but sincere voice, "I love it." 

 

Every time he sees that smile fill Vanthiyathevan's lips, Aditha feels like he won something. 

 

Vanthiyathevan's expression changes then, somewhere between soft and firm. Aditha remembers the wisps of a conversation they had before falling asleep last night; that they'd leave for Thanjavur the next day. 

 

Aditha sighs, looks at Vanthiyathevan and steels himself. 

 

His perception of courage was destroyed beyond repair at eighteen, but maybe he'll get the chance to relearn it again, with this gem of a man by his side. 

 

"Are you ready, Ilavarase?"

 

"As long as you're with me. If I see any of them making even a single move towards you, we leave, understood?" 

 

"As you wish, my Liege." 

 

The journey to Thanjai doesn't take long. The roads are better laid nowadays and the sun wasn't too harsh. Everything has been kind to him on this travel except his mind. 

 

Aditha keeps questioning his decision to take his beloved to the capital. Do I really need to risk his safety, just to get the acceptance of my parents, again? Maybe I can go by myself? He turns to look at Vanthiyathevan,  who's riding by his side, his presence like a rock. 

 

He answers him, as if he already knew Aditha's question. 

 

"There's no way I'm letting you fight for us alone", he says. "I'm not going anywhere." 

 

Well, that settles it. Even he can't do much to deter a Vanthiyathevan who's made up his mind. It's another thing he loves dearly about this man.

 

The palace gates loom over them. Aditha is older now, bigger, stronger, but he still feels so small in front of them . 

 

As soon as the gates open, Aditha realises something’s different. There's more festivity here than usual. That's when he spots Periya Velar's flag — that means Arulmozhi is here. 

 

A smile immediately spreads across his face. It's been quite a while since he's seen his dear younger brother. He turns and sees Vanthiyathevan sporting a similar smile on his face. Aditha almost melts at the gesture. 

 

"I see that my brother has gotten into your good books as well?" he asks, teasing. 

 

Vanthiyathevan laughs, amused. "Of course, why wouldn’t he? He’s your  younger brother after all." 

 

Aditha slaps his back, and Vanthiyathevan slaps his thigh. They bicker until they reach the stables and get off their horses. 

 

Vanthiyathevan holds his hand briefly and looks into his eyes before letting go. Aditha appreciates his support so much. 

 

As soon as they enter the palace, Aditha meets his mother, the Queen. The most prominent expression he remembers of hers is her scorn after he introduced Nandini to the family. She's smiling at him now, happy, and Aditha almost tears up, wishing that she'll smile like this at him all the time. Who knows, after today, he might not get to see it again. 

 

He takes her blessing and holds her close. Then he meets his father. Takes his blessings as well. 

 

"I'm home, Amma, Appa." 

 

"How long has it been since you've come to visit Aditha!" exclaims his father. "It seems like you only ever come when you need to introduce someone to the family." 

 

Aditha freezes at the comment. He turns back slightly to see that Vanthiyathevan has a similar reaction, although he does a better job at hiding it. He tries his best to ignore his nerves and introduces Vanthiyathevan.  

 

"Amma, Appa, he's a dear friend, Vallavaraiya." 

 

"Oh, so this is the man we've heard so much about in your letters!" 

 

Vanthiyathevan raises an eyebrow at him. Aditha tries not to blush. 

 

"I am he, Thaaye. I only hope that he's said good things about me."

 

The queen laughs, jolly. "You're a charming one." 

 

Aditha hears footsteps rushing towards him and a woman crashes into him, literally. 

 

"Anna!" she exclaims, "I've missed you." 

 

Vanthiyathevan watches with awe as the Kundavai Devi, the same girl who was part of the reason that Aditha was so heartbroken for such a long time, embraces her brother so lovingly. “Kundavai,” Aditha says, his voice a mixture between curt and soft but his actions are the opposite. He just holds her, gently and protectively. Vanthiyathevan's heart pours out of him as he watches just how much of a bigger man his boyfriend is. As he watches how much love he has in him to give, to forgive, even after being hurt like that . He truly feels like the luckiest man in the world to receive that kind of love from a precious man like him . 

 

"Vanthi!" another voice exclaims from his side. Vanthiyathevan turns to watch the youngest prince Arulmozhi walking towards them. They share a friendly hug. 

 

"Ilavarase, it's good to see you doing well." 

 

Arulmozhi smirks. " It's good to see you too, my friend. I was beginning to worry that my older brother here will steal you and keep you with him for good!" 

 

Aditha laughs, and embraces his younger brother next. "How do you always have time to think about mischief, my dear thambi?"

 

"That's kind of my job description," Arulmozhi grins. Aditha laughs and Vanthiyathevan smiles at them, taking in their brotherly bond. Aditha really does love his family, even if he's been hurt by them. He feels a bit confident about convincing Aditha to come here, even though he can't be sure about what will happen next.

 

The queen garners their attention next, allowing them to change and freshen up in their rooms. Vanthiyathevan's very pleased to find out that his room is right next to Aditha's. He catches Arulmozhi winking at him from the side, tries to grin back at him without freaking out.

I don't think he knows, does he?  

 

Aditha climbs up the stairs and Vanthiyathevan follows. As soon as they reach the top, Aditha turns back to look at him and smiles. Vanthiyathevan's heart beats so loud he thinks that the entire palace can hear it. He steps forward and holds his wrist, gently. Aditha sighs, soft.

 

"My room's right next to yours," he winks.

 

"I'm well aware," Aditha laughs. 

 

Vanthiyathevan doesn't know what kind of a face he's making, but he hopes that it's fond. He loves to watch Aditha laugh like that, so freely, so tenderly. 

 

"Go on now," Aditha gently pushes Vanthiyathevan towards his room. "I'm tired and I want to get some sleep."

 

Vanthiyathevan gives in; he's pretty tired too. Just before he steps into his room, he feels Aditha's eyes on his back. Turns around and like he expected, he's looking at him, with eyes that seem to say 'don't cause mischief with my younger brother'. Vanthiyathevan salutes just to see Aditha smile again. He remembers Aditha telling him about how happy he was that Arulmozhi found a friend in him. He also remembers his beloved warning him to be a 'good friend to my brother' — ugh, such a protective brother, he thinks fondly.

 

Notes:

hope you all enjoyed this part! please let me know in the comments about any theories you might have or what you think would happen next? planning to update the next chapter soon!

i loved finally getting to insert arulmozhi in this chapter haha, he's such a fun person to write out! he'll be playing an important role in the upcoming chapters, so please look forward to it!!

Chapter 5: turbulent tides, settle slow

Summary:

a man goes into battle - just of a different kind; hearts are hurt and then they're slowly mended. love wins .

Notes:

hello y'all and first of all, a very happy 2025!!! second of all, thank you all so so much for showing so much love and support to this story even when i was really bad with my update schedule. i'm writing and learning how to do that best so thank you for being patient with me along the ride. this story was really a passion project for me, so i'm glad i can see it come to an end (long overdue for y'all right haha), but yeah, with this chapter finally aditha and deva will have their ending.

since i've made you all wait for so long, here is an extra extra long chapter from me to you. please enjoy reading it and i hope you'll take away some good feels from it <3

 

Aditha wakes up to another warm body attached to his back. He's so used to it now that he doesn't even bat an eye at it, until his eyes focus and his mind registers the shiny curtains of the royal palace. He sits up straight, clutching a piece of Vanthiyathevan's clothing — sometimes it's his shawl, sometimes his shirt. He looks down to find the criminal himself, sleeping soundly on his bed — when did he even sneak in?

 

Aditha sighs, completely awake now. He did warn him to not cause any mischief with Arulmozhi, so it seems like he decided to cause mischief with him instead. Aditha watches as Vanthiyathevan shifts in his sleep. He sighs again; he should be angry, technically, because it would be terrible if they were caught. But when he looks at this man, the only thing he can feel is fondness. He wonders why love has the power to make someone so soft?

 

Vanthiyathevan slowly wakes; Aditha's heart flutters along with his lashes. He tries his best to look stern at his lover, whose face breaks into a goofy smile as soon as his eyes register him. It's a hard task for Aditha.

 

“Good morning, love of my life!" Vanthiyathevan whispers. Aditha thanks the gods that his beloved had that much sense in him, otherwise he would have had to kiss him to shut him up.

 

Aditha, undeterred, stares him down, watches as his adam's apple bobs up and down. 

 

"I can explain," Vanthiyathevan squeaks out. Aditha crosses his arms, waits. Hopes that he looks as intimidating as he wishes to be, sitting on top of messy sheets, Vanthiyathevan's shirt  strewn messily on his lap. 

 

"So, uh," he babbles, "I don't really have a long explanation. I just couldn't sleep?" Aditha raises an eyebrow at that. "Alone, I mean," he finishes, and when Aditha shows no sign of relenting, Vanthiyathevan adds, "it just feels lonely without you."

 

And that was it. Aditha can't act anymore. He bends down and presses a soft kiss on his forehead, revels in the way a bright smile blooms on Vanthiyathevan's face.

 

"Alright, I accept your reason but now get out, please," he adds. "I don't want us to get caught before we even have a chance to explain ourselves."

 

Aditha's heart swells when Vanthiyathevan's eyes soften. "Yeah, yeah you're right. I'll see you downstairs then?"

 

"Yeah."

 

Aditha stares at the closed door for a minute longer, wondering what Vanthiyathevan was thinking when he saw his shirt cradled to his chest? He's pretty sure that the other man has seen Nandini's shawl as well — Aditha vaguely remembers mentioning it to him. But he's never asked him about it; has always just accepted it as a part of him. Like he knows that Nandini will always be a part of him, but he accepts him anyway. Hell, he even loves him for it, and Aditha really doesn't know how to show this wonderful man, how much he's thankful for it all. 

 

-

 

The royal dinner is an extravagant matter. The palace chefs have given it their all, trying their best and maybe surpassing that even to serve the royal siblings, who are all in the palace at the same time. This is definitely not the occasion for some ordinary palette of delicacies. 

 

As dinner commences, Aditha notices Arulmozhi staring at him from the corner of his eye. He raises an eyebrow at him in question, he shakes his head in answer. Aditha huffs softly and brings his attention back to his boyfriend, who looks like he's in heaven right now. 

 

"Does the feast suit your taste, Vanthiyare?"

 

 Aditha watches as Vanthiyathevan — who was currently biting his way through a chicken leg, comes back to the world to answer his younger brother. He can't help but chuckle at his adorableness. 

 

The table suddenly goes quiet, save for Vanthiyathevan's talking. Aditha tries not to pay much attention to it; racks his brain to find a reason. 

 

"Anna, you seem very happy," Kundavai points out. 

 

Oh so that's why , he thinks. It has been a while since he's smiled so freely in front of his family — courtesy of his beloved of course. 

 

He clears his throat, trying to not make it too obvious that he's head over heels for the man sitting next to him, who's sipping loudly on his fruit drink.

 

"It's nothing, I guess I'm just happy because all of us are together after a long time.”

 

He doesn't miss the soft smile on Vanthiyathevan's face. Tries to hold back his own smile. Hopes that no one else notices. 

 

He really had to control himself better before telling his parents. 

 

-

 

They're settling down in a sitting room after dinner. The king and queen sit next to each other, on the double-chair that looks a little bigger than the rest. Kundavai sits next to them on a single chair, which leaves Arulmozhi, Aditha and Vanthiyathevan to fight for space on the other double-chair in the room that's smaller than the one on which Aditha's parents sit on. 

 

The three men spend quite a few minutes trying to find a good seating position. Arulmozhi keeps wiggling until almost half of his thigh is on Aditha's, and Vanthiyathevan on the other side can't decide whether to stick closer to Aditha or to the end of the chair. Aditha sighs, exasperated, from the middle. 

 

"Are you both done now?" he asks, to no one in particular. Arulmozhi grins at him from one side, which makes Aditha think that he's doing this on purpose. Vanthiyathevan looks at him sheepishly from the other side and Aditha immediately forgives him. Sue him.

 

Now that he's stuck (comfortably) between probably the only two people in the world that he'll allow himself to be in this position with, Aditha takes the time to stare at his parents for a bit. His mother is looking at them fondly, a small but genuine smile on her face and his father is just shaking his head at them, as if he's reminded of some faraway memory when they were children. A smile pulls at Aditha's face, before he remembers what he's about to do. He's about to destroy whatever peace they've found themselves in now, a second time. 

 

He glances at Vanthiyathevan from the corner of his eye. His expression looks constipated. Confused, Aditha wonders what his own face looks like. The rest of the room breaks into small conversation,  so Aditha takes this chance to communicate. His fingers gently brush Vanthiyathevan's dhoti to get his attention, but on second thought, he thinks that he didn't need to do that at all. Vanthiyathevan's attention has been on him, for a while now.

 

"Enna?" he whispers. "Why are you looking at me like that?" 

 

Vanthiyathevan's face twists impossibly further. Worry builds itself a home in Aditha's gut.

 

Vanthiyathevan whispers back, voice strained. "Why do you look like you're going into a battle that you know you won't win?" 

 

Aditha stares at him, dumbfounded. Vanthiyathevan can read him really well. He doesn't know whether to allow this or to push it away, so he looks into those eyes for an answer. The unbridled concern in those soft brown eyes makes him want to allow it; to bare his soul whole. 

 

He sighs, weary. "That's because I am, Deva." and that's all he allows himself to say for now. He needs all of the weapons he can procure for this final battle. He had already made ready the strategic setting for this admission — which is the time after dinner. He thought that they would be calm enough to listen after some food in their stomachs. He hopes. Otherwise, he would have single-handedly ruined the arduous efforts of the palace chefs. 

 

He sighs, heavier this time. He was just making this worse by thinking about this more. He should just do it. 

 

He stands up, abruptly. The conversation in the room dies down. His father is the one who speaks up first —

 

"What is it, my son?" 

 

Aditha takes one long, last look at the smiles that are teetering between happiness and confusion, because they'll disappear entirely in the next minute. 

 

"Appa, Amma, I- I love someone." 

 

Behind him, he hears someone gasp. Doesn't know if it's Vanthiyathevan or Arulmozhi. 

 

Aditha feels the air in the room shift, the kind before a storm. You've been through this once before, he tells himself. Breathe.  

 

“Who is it?” his mother asks, ever-curious.

 

Aditha gulps; tries to breathe beyond the clot in his throat. 

 

“It’s a person you know very well,” he pauses and then turns back briefly to look at his lover’s face. There are frown lines on Vanthiyathevan’s forehead; Aditha’s heart winces for making him worry so much. But he’s come this far, it wouldn’t make sense to stop now.

 

“Who is it Aditha?” his father asks, wanting to know the answer.

 

Aditha turns around to face his family. “Vanthiyathevan,” he breathes. Just his name feels like a balm in this room that’s becoming hotter by the second. A minute in, and Aditha’s burning.

 

Words are hurled at him; words meant to hurt. He's not eighteen anymore, he's older now, and supposedly more experienced in life. He's been to numerous battlefields for such a young age but still, he's unable to do much about this particular battle.

 

He watches his father as he looks up at the ceiling, as if asking the goddess of peace, "where has the peace gone, Thaaye?" His mother hasn't stopped talking since, words tumbling out without a stop — words like "We allowed it because you were still young and we thought you would change, but now, you bring a man home?! (please don’t talk about him like that, i love him , Aditha wants to say, but his tongue betrays him and stays silent) You're not young anymore Aditha! Is this what someone does at a marriage-able age?!" And then Kundavai nods and supports her mother, the darling daughter that she is, "What is wrong with you Anna? Have you really forgotten what happened back then?" 

 

Aditha tries not to visibly stagger as the wounds on his heart multiply. It feels almost visceral, like enemies are digging into his flesh from all sides. 

 

The door to the room falls open and there stands the illustrious S embian Mahadevi - his godmother and the woman who blessed him when he was eighteen, only to sit and watch as the royal family banished his love from the entire kingdom. When he sees her again years later, there’s a sinking feeling in Aditha’s gut, because what if , what if she was also party to everything that happened to Nandini? She was the first to know, so what if she plotted it all? Still, etiquette is etiquette so Aditha tries to push away everything else to the background, in favour of not inviting more trouble to himself by forgetting his manners. He walks over to the old woman and gets her blessings. 

 

When he looks up, he wishes he hadn't. Her eyes look like the depths of hell itself; balls of flames ready to be hurled at him. Aditha turns into ash where he stands. Suddenly, there’s no doubt in Aditha’s mind that this woman might have orchestrated everything after all, just faking being a wise woman on the outside. She’s nothing wise , Aditha thinks, if he knows anything about wise people. 

 

He whisks around and there's that same feeling again— the feeling of being a stranger in your own home, or worse, a criminal. The air around him feels heavier all of a sudden and he can't breathe —

 

A hand suddenly clutches his wrist and Aditha flinches. He whips his head to the side to see none other than his beloved, Vanthiyathevan, standing next to him and looking the most furious that he's ever seen the man to date. 

 

Fear clutches Aditha's heart in a vice-grip. He shakes his head at him, eyes pleading with him to not do anything rash. Everyone is focusing on him now and that's good because at least then, nothing will happen to his Deva. 

 

But who is he kidding? His lover is not known to be the most patient amongst men either, especially if someone he loves is being hurt. He looks ethereal, staring at Aditha like he's the singular thing that he can see, even with the world around them knee-deep in chaos. His eyes soften for a second, and Aditha can't help but to smile at that. 

 

"Aditha, forgive me for this." 

 

Before Aditha has the time to even think, Vanthiyathevan grabs his dagger and slightly nicks his arm gently and then proceeds to do the same to his own arm. Aditha blinks, lost for many moments. Stares at the red slowly trickling down his arm — only his Deva could try and stab someone so gently. 

 

The entire room falls silent. Aditha finally feels some semblance of the peace that he's been missing so much. Next to him, Vanthiyathevan speaks.

 

"Are you all blind?!" he screams and Aditha has to try hard not to wince at the tone. Deva sounds furious, and he's pretty sure that even he can't stop him anymore. He also adores his boyfriend for having the guts to speak like that to the royal family — he loves him so much. 

 

"Can you not see how much he’s hurting? How you're hurting him? He's your son and your brother is he not?" 

 

The entire room and its occupants are dumbstruck. Aditha observes that the small gash on Deva's arm looks a bit deeper than his own one. Frowns at that.

 

He spots a few helpers standing on the side and guesses that they rushed into the room as soon as Deva pulled that stunt — what an unfortunate time for them to have entered the room; he sympathises with them. 

 

"You've all hurt him once before and that's why he left. Now, you dare to hurt him again? When he's being this brave —

 

"You keep saying we hurt him young man, but we really didn't? we're just trying to talk sense into him," says S embian Mahadevi . Aditha sort of wants to strangle this woman.

 

"But are hearts not tangible things Thaaye?" Vanthiyathevan pleads. Aditha is three seconds away from dragging his boyfriend away from this colossal mess and leaving Chozha Nadu. He distracts himself by going over and grabbing the first-aid supplies from the helpers, freeing them from their duty. 

 

"Look at this blood here," Vanthiyathevan points out. "His blood and my blood, it's all the same red. We're just people, we're not any different from one another." 

 

Aditha wants to kiss this man. Instead, he busies himself by slowly wiping away the blood on his lover's arm and bandaging the small wound. Vanthiyathevan looks down at him for a moment and smiles. 

 

"Good for you that I've already used our blood for our argument, otherwise I'd be really mad at you," he whispers. 

 

Leave it to Deva to make him laugh even in this situation. "Of course, now I wouldn't want to disturb your precious proof when you're arguing for us," he whispers back with a grin. Deva has seemed to pause his argument in favour of cleaning up Aditha's own cut. His heart feels like it's slowly healing just with Deva standing by his side. 

 

"But you are not of royal blood and he is the Crown Prince of this Rajyam." Kundavai, as always comes, up with a counter-argument.

 

But Vanthiyathevan's ready for this. "Does that even matter to you? Nandini was of royal blood, but by the time you all found out, it was too late. So no, all that matters to you is that Aditha is supposed to be a puppet that you can control, and not his own person!" 

 

"Vanthiyathevare!" booms the king's voice. Before Aditha can say anything to scrape off anything favourable from this situation, another voice booms from behind him. 

 

"Appa! satru porungal." 

 

Aditha turns towards his younger brother, who has been silent this entire time. His face may look neutral to others, but Aditha knows from the tick of his eyebrows that he's not pleased either. 

 

The entire room waits for Ponniyin Selvan to speak. 

 

"Appa, why are you getting angry now? There's no fault in what Vanthiyathevan said." 

 

Gasps come from all around the room again. The king, for his part, looks confused. "What do you mean, my boy?" 

 

"When have you treated Anna simply as a man and not as the Crown Prince?" the room falls quiet, again. "When have you listened to, no, respected his wishes?" 

 

The king has some sort of a pained look on his face, like he's suffering from constipation. It hurts and pleases Aditha a little. 

 

"See? you've only done things far from acceptance and even now, when Anna is standing here to show to you that he does care about having all of you in his life, all you're doing is sending him away, again. You know, if you're going to do this, I might as well go with him too." 

 

Aditha can't keep quiet any longer. "What do you mean, thambi?" 

 

Arulmozhi smiles at him and it's the second gentlest expression that he's seen in this room, after his Deva. 

 

"Anna, your only fault— if it can be called that, is that you've always been too honest. You feel too much; care too much. I, on the other hand, not really."

 

Aditha waits for his little brother to continue, curious to where this is going.

 

Arulmozhi faces the rest of the royal family next. "I'm in love with Poonguzhali." 

 

Poonguzhali.   Aditha remembers hearing her name from Vanthiyathevan's travels— she's the boat girl, isn't she?

 

The door opens and a girl walks over with unsure steps, clearly feeling overwhelmed in the presence of the royal family. She immediately comes and stands behind Arulmozhi, who gives her hand a small squeeze. The sight tugs at Aditha's own memory with Nandini. 

 

Aditha doesn't even know who she is but he's ready to welcome her into the family because he doesn't think he's ever seen his brother smile like that. He makes sure to have a smile on his face because he thinks the others won't — one quick glance around the room proves him right. But that also shows him his Deva, who's standing right next to him and beaming. Aditha just stares at him, transfixed. 

 

He watches as Vanthiyathevan screams out her name, excited, like his body can't hold it in anymore. "Poove!" 

 

This girl turns towards his lover and smiles at him. Aditha can tell it's a genuine smile because her shoulders look more relaxed than a moment ago, and her lips stretch beautifully. Her face looks more open, like a blossoming flower. 

 

So this is indeed Poonguzhali, or “Poove”, as he's learning now. The one who saved Deva's life. Aditha adds her to the list of people he has a lot to thank for — for making his brother so happy and for saving his beloved's life.

 

Arulmozhi steps forward and stands next to Aditha and Vanthiyathevan, holding Poonguzhali's hand. "Now that I'm older and understand all of this better, I can't sit back and listen to you talk to Anna like that, Appa." he pauses. “Plus, I too have someone to fight for now.”

 

Aditha wants to whistle out loud but of course, Vanthiyathevan does it before him. He turns towards him and glares, because what more does his boyfriend need to do to get the entire royal family's attention on him every five seconds? Aditha's heart is going to give out from trying to keep this man safe.

 

The room breaks out into a discussion again but all that Aditha can bring himself to notice is that suspicious band of soldiers are moving closer to them. They have no place here in this room, unless? 

 

Aditha's heart falls from his chest, straight into the abyss when he sees the soldiers moving towards Vanthiyathevan. 

 

"Deva!" he screams, horrified. Vanthiyathevan meets his eyes with a pained gaze. Aditha's heart falls further.

 

And in the blink of an eye, he's in front of his beloved, shielding him, glaring daggers into the men standing before him. They all have mixed expressions of fear and shock on them (good, he thinks), because if looks could kill, this might just be it. 

 

"If any one of you takes even one step forward, you answer to me! " he screams, pausing and spitting every word out with as much authority as he can conjure in his voice, while his heart feels like beating right out of his chest. He's the crown prince, goddammit, he's supposed to be able to do at least this much. 

 

He refuses to let this be a repeat of what happened to Nandini. He absolutely refuses to let that happen again. Not until there's life running through his veins.

 

The entire room looks stricken with horror, except Arulmozhi who's grinning with all his pearly white teeth. He swiftly takes his side by his brother, sword drawn at the ready. God, Aditha wants to hold him so tight and ruffle his hair. 

 

"Vanthiyathvare? nalamaa?" Aditha watches as Arulmozhi asks, a teasing lilt in his voice. Aditha scoffs.

 

"Now's not the time Arulmozhi— he's cut short by the expression on his lover's face, who looks like he simply can't comprehend that not one, but both the Princes of Chola Nadu are on his side, trying to protect him. 

 

Aditha reaches one hand back, holding his beloved's hand in his. It's that touch that grounds Vanthiyathevan to the earth.

 

"Enna Deva? nalam dhaane?" Aditha asks, concerned. 

 

Despite the disbelief, Vanthiyathevan manages to nod. 

 

Aditha sighs. Thank goodness, he thinks. 

 

"It's not fair that you answer only if my brother asks," Arulmozhi begins. Aditha also wants to smack him (fondly) on the head now, after ruffling those curls. 

 

"Arulmozhi!" he tries, faking an angry expression. Arulmozhi simply snickers, like he’s having the time of his life. From behind them, Vanthiyathevan has the audacity to look bashful. Seriously, they give him a headache but Aditha unmistakably loves them. He finds that during the chaos, Poonguzhali has taken to their side, standing next to Vanthiyathevan. Aditha smiles at his little found family. 

 

"Even after saying all this, I didn't think you would still think of arresting the one I love!" Aditha screams. Screw being patient — he's been patient enough for a lifetime already today. Even after pleading with them to see reason, all they want to do is to hurt Vanthiyathevan.  And that alone, Aditha will never allow. 

 

"You could have said anything to me, hell, you could have even banished me, but how can you think for even one second that I'll allow you to do this again? that too, right in front of me?!" 

 

Arulmozhi places a hand on his shoulder. Aditha takes a second to breathe and feel his warmth. 

 

He turns around, looks Vanthiyathevan in the eye. Grabs his hand and looks at the royal family again. All of them look like they're in varying stages of shock. Good. Let them stay that way. 

 

"We're leaving," Aditha announces, firm and final. "and I won’t be coming back." 

 

He turns around towards the door, pulling Vanthiyathevan with him. Glares extra hard at the guards lining their path just to show how furious he is. They don't dare step in their way. 

 

Just as he closes the door behind him, he hears a comment from Arulmozhi along the lines of "We were trying to tell you this peacefully, but as always, you know how to make things worse." and then he talks about leaving too and Aditha hears two pairs of footsteps following them.

 

Finally out of the room, Aditha breathes. His lungs expand, pulling in the air that he was quickly losing because of his spiking anxiety. Vanthiyathevan’s other hand comes to squeeze his shoulder. Aditha turns around to look at him and tries to smile. His lover’s face twists. 

 

Before Aditha can ask him about it, a voice booms from inside the room. 

 

"Wait!" 

 

It's his father's voice — he sounds almost scared? shaken? Aditha doesn't think he's ever heard him sound like that before. But he's not going to stop now, not after he risked Vanthiyathevan's safety so much already.

 

"Aditha, Arulmozhi, please wait!" he hears his voice again. Aditha doesn't stop walking forward.

 

"Aditha!" his father’s voice booms again.

 

He can feel Vanthiyathevan's hand in his struggle, twist and turn, like the man can’t decide what to do with them. He doesn't pay it much mind, but it's like his lover can read his mind. Vanthiyathevan stops moving, pulling Aditha to a stop too. 

 

Aditha turns to look at him, expression more tired than anything else. 

 

"I want to leave too," Vanthiyathevan says, voice sincere. "But not like this. Not when I know that this day will keep haunting you in your dreams every night." 

 

Aditha wants to cringe. He really does know him too well. 

 

He turns around and catches Arulmozhi's gaze. His younger brother stands with the door open and waves him over, so Aditha guesses that it can't be so bad if he spends an additional five minutes listening to whatever the old man had to say.

 

After both of his sons and their partners have come back into the room, the King begins, voice watery. 

 

"Forgive us my sons, we've all hurt you badly, thinking it was for the good of the kingdom — especially you Aditha." Vanthiyathevan squeezes his hand. Aditha squeezes back. 

 

"It'll probably take us a while to get used to it but, we can't lose you both . Nothing's more important than that."

 

Aditha frowns. That doesn't sound too satisfactory. Sounds like some weak attempt at a compromise. He takes a glance at Arulmozhi's face to confirm that he's thinking along the same lines too. 

 

"That won't be enough Appa," Aditha says, firmly. "Vanthiyathevan and Poonguzhali are not some consolation prizes. They're people — amazing, strong and big-hearted people and they deserve more love and acceptance from the entire world. If Arulmozhi and I have to stay, then they deserve equal, if not more respect than us." “I agree wholeheartedly with Anna, Appa,” Arulmozhi speaks out, backing up his opinion.

 

Vanthiyathevan squeezes his hand, hard. It hurts a little, but Aditha's not going to say anything; of course not. He just squeezes back, just as hard, as if the pain's also a reminder that they've got one another through the ups and downs of life. 

 

The entire royal family accepts that, finally . The expressions on their faces are a sight to see though— the king looks like he’ll cry any minute; the queen looks like she just lost ten years of her life; the illustrious Sembiyan Mahadevi looks like she wants nothing more to do with this family anymore. Last but not the least, Kundavai looks like the entire world proved her wrong, her face twisting in all the wrong angles. Aditha’s pretty sure her facial muscles will torment her later on but that’s not his problem. 

 

Arulmozhi embraces him, a wide smile on his face. Aditha hugs him back. "We somehow did it right this time, didn't we?" Arulmozhi asks, soft. Distantly, in the recess of his mind, Aditha sees Nandini smiling at him, just like she used to when she was still a young girl.

 

Aditha sighs. "yeah, yeah we did." He pulls away just enough to look at his face. “Thank you,” he says, his voice dripping with sincerity.

 

Arulmozhi simply chuckles, patting his back. “Don’t be silly Anna, I couldn't have done this without you. You’re so brave, you know that?”

 

Before Aditha can smile at that, he adds, “and stupidly honest.” Aditha chuckles, slapping him hard on his back. Arulmozhi winces, then all of a sudden, serious, “do you think we can still be just as we are now?" 

 

Aditha thinks for a second. "Why not? they accepted, didn't they? and if they don't, we always have the option to leave, or to remind them again; whatever works to let them know that we are our own person and that we have the right to love the people we love; that we're allowed to make our own decisions as independent people and as the princes of this kingdom." 

 

Arulmozhi grins, giddy. "Yeah, you're right. We don't have to hide anymore." 

 

The magnanimity of that statement only sinks into Aditha's bones when he reaches his room, Vanthiyathevan in tow. He turns around and spends a few seconds tracing his beloved's face with his eyes — the dried tears near his eyes, the small wrinkles on his forehead and a few white hairs that peep out from his curly locks. 

 

"Is there something on my face?" 

 

Aditha pulls him by his collar and kisses him, hard, bruising. Vanthiyathevan kisses him back with the same enthusiasm, zero hesitation in his movements. Aditha finally allows himself to fall deeper and deeper into this man. His hands make their way to Vanthiyathevan's locks and massage them; pull on them. Vanthiyathevan groans softly against his mouth. He doesn't want to stop kissing this man. He wants to sink into him, because there's joy in his veins now, replacing the fear. 

 

They don't have to hide; not anymore. They can love freely, without fear or guilt.

 

They break apart, Vanthiyathevan pushing him on the bed with one swift push. Aditha goes, pliant, licks his lips as he watches the love of his life remove his clothing piece by piece, his eyes greedily taking in all of that beautiful tanned skin. All of that takes only a moment before Deva's back on him, determined to kiss him senseless.

 

Aditha gladly lets him.

 

-

 

Aditha wakes up, alone. His body freezes as his mind thinks of all the times he's woken up alone — just him, the scenery around him and the objects that he chooses to clutch to himself before sleeping. The scenery changes, from tents set up in battlefields to his ornate room at the palace. The things he's been clutching to his chest have changed too — from Nandini's shawl to Vanthiyathevan's clothes and he misses him. 

 

He stares at the closed door, all the worst-case scenarios running through his head. He's just about to get up and go looking when the door opens and the only person he never wants to part from enters the room. 

 

"Dei," he whispers, voice shaky. "I- thought, I thought —

 

Vanthiyathevan doesn't give him a chance to finish that sentence. He's immediately cradled in his beloved's warm arms and Aditha feels so safe . 

 

There's a kiss to the top of his forehead. "Hey, I'm okay, look at me, please?" 

 

Aditha has no idea why the hell he's begging to look at him. He'll gladly stare at this man for his entire life. That's the plan at least, unless he dies early, in which case—

 

"Dei," comes Vanthiyathevan's sweet voice which Aditha's compelled to follow. He likes being called like that by him, so informally and naturally. He looks up at him, at those brown eyes that always seem to chase away all the darkness around him. 

 

Vanthiyathevan bends down and kisses him again, softly this time. Aditha melts into it, joyous at being able to fully enjoy a kiss from his beloved without worrying about something or the other. Whenever his lips are on his, the demons in his head flee away somewhere.

 

"I'm sorry,'' Vanthiyathevan apologises into his mouth. "I just went to check if they had your favourite kollakattais so I could get you breakfast in bed." 

 

Aditha grins at him. "such a caring boyfriend," he teases. Vanthiyathevan grins back at him, undeterred. "So, where are they?" 

 

"Right there," Vanthiyathevan points to a table behind them. Aditha blinks, having not even processed Vanthiyathevan carrying that big plate into the room. He guessed that he was that anxious. 

 

"Feed them to me." 

 

Vanthiyathevan smiles, goofy, "as you wish, Ilavarase ." 

 

Aditha scoffs at the extra emphasis. Since when did he like being teased by Vanthiyathevan so much? He looks at his smiling face, lying down on his lap and thinks about how far gone he is for this man.

 

He eats his share from his hand, then picks up a kollakattai and brings it to his beloved's lips. Vanthiyathevan takes it without any hesitation,  his tongue slightly swiping over Aditha's fingers before nibbling on them a little. Aditha pulls away his fingers, softly admonishing this man who's laughing at him like he's the happiest man in the world. 

 

But Aditha's mind is like a deadly vice, it keeps trying to pull him back into a void of despair. Even as his lips quirk up unconsciously at Vanthiyathevan's smile, his mind goes through all they had to face; everything that his Vanthiyathevan had to face in the past few days because of him. 

 

It wipes away the smile from his face as thoughts come back to plague him again. This man, this wonderful human being in front of him who can have anyone he wants, there's no reason he has to put himself through all this right? Through the scrutiny of his parents, and the kingdom just because he fell in love with him - a prince?

 

Aditha comes back to the present when he feels a warm hand on his cheek. His eyes focus to find his lover staring at him with a concerned gaze. Aditha sighs, his own hand coming up to interlace with Vanthiyathevan's hand on his cheek.

 

"What are you thinking about? tell me," Vanthiyathevan breathes, gentle. 

 

He really can read me so well , Aditha thinks time and again, and maybe for the first time in his life, he doesn't want to run away from the feeling, from the insecurity it usually brings him - being so vulnerable. He parts his lips and closes it, like a fish, hesitant. 

 

Vanthiyathevan's other hand comes up to weave through his locks. It calms Aditha down more than he likes to admit. 

 

"I was just thinking, do you still love me?" despite all of this remains unsaid, hanging in the air between them. "You don't deserve to —

 

Vanthiyathevan shuts him up with a kiss. It almost feels like a scolding to Aditha. Vanthiyathevan kisses him again and again and again. Aditha just sighs into his mouth, kissing him back. 

 

"You're the only one I'll love," Vanthiyathevan declares and Aditha wants to marry him tomorrow.  He knows that'll have to wait though - they’d barely just gotten over this hurdle after all. His eyes tear up just thinking about that prospect. 

 

Vanthiyathevan kisses him on the forehead and Aditha closes his eyes, finally at peace. As long as this man is by his side, maybe even someone like him will be granted a second chance at love and peace. Maybe this time, he'll find the kind of happiness that will stay.

Notes:

meanings:
satru porungal - please wait

nalamaa? - are you well ?

hii! you've made it to the end of all the drama and feels haha, i hope everyone enjoyed the ride. i first found my love for this pairing thanks to rafedane and then it kept sustaining thanks to them and another friend childofthenight2035. this fandom is so special to me and i hope to be here for a while longer (even if i write like a snail sometimes lol) - i hope y'all will stick around <3

if there's one thing i'd like you to takeaway from this fic, that's some goodness for your day and hope and the feeling that good love is like a warm hug and the warmth never leaves.

see you all in the next fic!