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I am a healing love.
You probably don't know what this is, so I'll explain it to you.
A healing love in my view is when hurting people go to stable people and enter into a relationship, romantic or otherwise, to heal, to learn to love again, to learn what she accepts and what she doesn't, what She deserves it and what she doesn't.
And when these people feel ready for the world again, they leave, with good memories and a good friendship, but there is hardly any solid relationship left between the healer and the hurt person.
I am a healer.
Hurt people pass by me before they feel prepared for the world, they pass by my love, my safe words and my actions that show what they truly deserve.
And when they are ready, they leave.
It's like a damn cycle, really, I'm not exactly complaining, I love helping these people that pass me by, I love seeing them well and moving on after their past, but it's so hard to see them go.
They always go.
And it always hurts like it's the first time.
This healing love thing started my freshman year of college.
The first person I used my "super powers" for was Lily.
I met her in a 24-hour cafe near my house, months before, and I fell in love with her way of being, she was simply adorable and probably the most beautiful and kind human being I had ever met up until that moment.
Her red hair, intense green eyes and her attitude that was so sweet and soLily, were like paradise to me.
An incredible woman.
And I can admit to you that I was a little embarrassed when she talked about how beautiful my eyes were, even though they hid a storm.
And when I saw her crying, months later, in that same 24-hour coffee shop, I felt compelled to sit down with her and ask if everything was okay.
When I sat down, she was very scared, very afraid, looking at me with her doe eyes as she followed every movement of my body.
I obviously realized there was something very wrong with her, her looks, her tremors, her deep circles under her eyes, the way she tore up napkins and her coat that was too big and too warm for a summer night, even in England, screamed a sign red.
For the first few hours, she didn't say anything, she was staring at me, evaluating me, occasionally jumping when there was some noise around, but other than that, that was the most reaction I got from her.
But I didn't stay silent for long, Lily seemed to get uncomfortable when I was silent, moving back and forth, adjusting herself on the bench, playing with her hair, picking at her nails and killing more napkins than before, but no He seemed to want me to go away, and even though I'm not a talker, I didn't shut up for a second after I realized that.
I talked about my life, my work, my friends, college, places I would like to visit, favorite songs, favorite artists, my goddaughter, Nynphadora, I even talked about my damn cat.
Anything I could say to fill the silence and make her more comfortable, I did.
Weeks later, I discovered that silence with her ex-boyfriend meant something was wrong, that she had done something wrong, so silence meant punishment.— and today I feel immensely proud of her for enjoying silent mornings again.
I'm sure that when I heard her voice, she already knew half of my life.
She only said something in the early hours of the day, around 5:40 in the morning, when I told her that she had a brother, Sirius, and that even though our relationship wasn't great in the past, today we see each other every Sunday for family lunches. , which usually contained just him, me and his boyfriend, Remus.
She told me in a low, hoarse and insecure voice, that she had an older sister too, and that she and her sisters hadn't spoken to each other for years, because her sister didn't like that she managed to get into an elite school with a scholarship. , and Petunia, his sister, did not.
She told me that her sister had a freak out when the letter arrived, with Petunia's denial and Lily's welcome, she threw things on the walls and floor, screamed at the top of her lungs how much she deserved more
I felt an unpleasant feeling for this woman as soon as I found out about her existence and how Lily was when talking about her, and without being able to contain myself, I barely noticed when I quietly called out “What a bitch”, in a very spontaneous way, and immediately opened my eyes wide. then frantically apologizing.
And I only stopped begging for forgiveness when Lily's laugh filled my ears, it was hesitant and a little flawed, but beautiful all the same.
I'm sure my cheeks were dyed red, similar to the color of her fiery hair when I first heard her, and I vaguely remember congratulating myself for making that beautiful girl laugh.
And then the conversation stopped being one-way, she answered me and even started random topics, we talked about everything and nothing at the same time, Lily told me that she worked in a flower shop, that she was completely in love with the language of flowers and how a flower could have a thousand meanings, from happiness to pure and calming love.
She talked for hours about herself after that, told me about her childhood, her family, her friends, work, college of Economic Sciences, why she wants to open her own flower shop one day— I discovered that she was already in her final year and that she got in with a 100% scholarship, which is frankly, impressive —, but we always came back to flowers, she loved talking about flowers and it was so beautiful to see her talking about something she genuinely loves, that I allowed myself to listen to everything she said and save it in a little box for future events.
We were in a very heated discussion about Marvel vs DC— it was simply surreal that she preferred DC, I've heard of people with this type of illness, but I thought it was a myth — and in the middle of a heated speech about how we can't sum up a giant company just to its horrible films and ignore the HQ's when she let out her first yawn of the day.
It was around 9 am, we had been there for about 15 hours, I had barely watched the hours go by, the only time I touched my cell phone was to send a group message to notify my flatmates and best friends, Pandora, Barty, Dorcas and Evan, that I didn't have time to get home, and after that my focus was total on Lily, only occasionally breaking out to ask for something to eat or drink - which I only managed to get Lily to eat with great insistence .
I remember saying, “Hey, I think I better go home and sleep, okay? We've been here for a while” and see her suddenly change, returning to the same Lily I saw when I arrived, reclusive, closed off and with a dark aura.
I should have known better.
Clearly the problem was at home.
Things got a little tense from then on, I didn't ask her about her reaction, I didn't even recognize her, I just asked her if she had any friends I could spend the night with, and she denied, saying quietly that she couldn't have them. .
I remember taking a deep breath and exhaling, before carefully asking her if she would come to my house.
Before she could deny it, I added that I lived with 4 other friends, two women included, and that they would be home at that time, since it was Saturday, I stated that the rooms had locks from the inside, and that she could take a shower, borrow some clothes and sleep in my roomalone,while I would sleep in Barty's room, practically uninhabited considering he and Evan were having something.
She seemed very hesitant about this, about going to sleep in a place with a guy she saw occasionally at a coffee shop, and so she only really talked once, which was today, and she couldn't even know if it was true that there were two women living there, or that we would just kill her in her sleep with our spare key.
I agreed with all your distrust, because honestly, I have two best female friends — Pandora, in fact, was a woman occasionally, flowing in gender the same way she flows in mood — who have been through unpleasant situations, even taking as much care as possible. , Dorcas would call Lily crazy if she saw her agree and Pandora would say she was a little crazy, but brave.
I said that I came here on foot, and that Pandora could come to us to pick us up by car, and if she manages to drag Dorcas out of bed on a Saturday morning, she would come too.
After showing photos of them separately and with me, some videos and she realized that all the other stories I had already told in the meantime fit with Pandora's peculiar personality and Dorcas' funny personality, and after I told her that she needed to sleep , otherwise I would have a breakdown, she allowed me to call Pandora to come pick us up.
When Pandora arrived in front of the cafe, with Dorcas beside her honking in time to the loud music coming from the car, I left some money on the table to pay the bill for what we had consumed, and got up, with Lily getting up soon after. .
What I didn't expect was for her to immediately fall forward a little, leaning on the table and groaning in pain as she pressed against her ribs.
When I moved toward her, a little too quickly, a little too worried, she jerked back, taking long steps back and falling on her butt in her haste to get away.
I had to go very calmly towards her, stating several times that it was me, Regulus, and that she was fine, that I wouldn't hurt her, but she seemed to be in a bubble of panic, she looked at me, but she didn't look at me. I could see, and every step forward I threatened to take, she dragged herself further back.
I saw the fear in his eyes.
Lily only calmed down when Pandora suddenly appeared, standing between her and me, completely covering Lily from my view and me being replaced by gentle blue eyes and sweet words in a soft voice, Dorcas gently pulled me away from her as I tried to see Lily better.
I couldn't quite hear what she said, but I heard a few clipped sentences, "It's okay baby, I have you", "I won't let anyone hurt you, trust me", "Where does it hurt?" "We need to go".
The next thing I knew, I was driving to the hospital, with Lily, Pandora and Dorcas in the back seat, the three of them having whispered conversations while I was silent.
We arrived at the hospital, Dorcas went to get caffeine, Pandora went in with Lily while I filled out the form, I spent about two hours without receiving anything, no news, I walked around in circles so many times that the receptionist was already fed up with me, I ate all my nails, and some of my skin, Dorcas refused to give me coffee and practically pinned me to the chair.
A nurse arrived.
Lily had a huge bruise on her rib area, several cuts and bruises and an especially large cut on her leg, which by a divine miracle, didn't get an infection, but thankfully, nothing broken, even though it came very close.
When I received this information, I almost collapsed, I wanted more than anything, to get my hands on the guy who did this to her and disappear with his body in a way that he would never be found, I would use the family's contacts if if necessary.
I had such a bad temper, and I was so, so angry, that they medicated me, because “Nerves can be bad for your health.”
After that it was all a blur, we got the necessary tests and made a B.O. against her abusive ex-boyfriend, a temporary restraining order was imposed until the trial took place, even though we all said we could do it later, but she said want to get it over with soon.
When Lily arrived at my house, she took a shower with the help of the girls, borrowed some clothes and locked herself in my room for hours.
I'm not sure if she slept all that time, or if she was just thinking, but when she came out, her face swollen and her eyes wary, she said “I'm really hungry, it's been almost 24 days since I've eaten anything that sustains me. , do you have anything?” and then 5 people were racing against time to make dinner for Lily, because hey, she had already won us all over.
As the months went by, things changed, Lily moved into Barty's room, and Barty moved into Evan's room, she started living here and we all became one group.
Her ex,Rabastan Lestrange, it wasn't as big a problem later as I thought it would be, she and he met at the elite school Lily studied at, and they've been dating since they were teenagers, Lily said until a few months ago, when her father died and he took over the family business, he had never shown aggressive behavior, but he was always possessive, he didn't like Lily having friends, or that she went out without him, he was really jealous.
I remember a specific situation when we were together, that she had invited me to a birthday party for one of her new friends, Marlene, but I had so much work to do that I couldn't do it, and then Lily said thatsheI couldn't go.
We had a very serious conversation about this, I said that she could go anywhere she wanted because she was a free woman, whether she was in a relationship or not, and that if she really wanted to go, she should go, and if she was still unsure of going alone, call Dorcas, who was always ready for a party— it turned out that this was beneficial for Dorcas too, because the next day she couldn't stop talking about how Marlene was the love of her life.
Over time she learned that she was a free person to know the world, and I would never stop her, it was good to see, after a lot of time and learning, that Lily no longer asked me for permission to go somewhere, she She would let me know that she would go, and sometimes, she would even give me the option of accompanying her, but making it clear that she would really go alone.
I often denied it, just to show her that she could go wherever she wanted on her own, that I trusted her.
It turns out that treatments like this were normal for her.
Lily had never had a boyfriend other than him, and thought it was normal, until he attacked her for the first time, months before, he freaked out when Lily told him that she got a job at a flower shop, because the owner was a man in the same age range. their age and slapped her in the face, accusing her of insinuating herself into the interview to get the job.
After that it was just downhill, Lily says she really regrets not leaving from the beginning, she said she didn't have the courage and that she loved him too much, so she decided to give him a second chance when he begged for her forgiveness.
Bad decision.
The attacks got worse and worse, and every time, he asked for forgiveness, said he would never do that again and treated her very well, until the other attack came.
She said that after a while, she was more afraid of him coming after her if she broke up than she was afraid of breaking up with him for love, she didn't know if he would look for her or not, and with her parents dead, her sister refusing talking to her and without friends, she found herself helpless.
She thanked all of us immensely for being there for her during the trial, which unfortunately was closed and there was no arrest, he was a rich, white, straight and cis guy, a family with a big name in the government, everything she had it was a restraining order and a hefty payout, which they say was to pay for their time in physical and psychological torture— there is no money in the world that can pay for this — but I am sure that she was supposed to keep her mouth shut.
As much as she wanted to, Lily never said anything publicly, deciding to leave the past in the past, and no longer wanting to attract problems to herself, like a lawsuit.
So she moved on.
It was good to see her like this, slowly recovering from her traumas, it took months before she could see any sudden act without shaking, or go out in crowded places without being paranoid that he would appear, it took a long time for Lily to go out with him again. new friends, and it took even longer for her to open up to being okay with the world.
I was always there, as were the others, but we all knew that we were different, that we weren't just friends.
Lily and I never made anything official, we were never each other's boyfriends, but we were practically that, just without a title.
We started having something more around his 3rd month in our house, it started with something silly, a few kisses after a lot of wine, and it escalated, until we couldn't sleep without each other anymore.
It was good while it lasted, it was good to go through it all, do small actions that showed that I was there, see her progress, see how she evolved as a person, how she evolved with her traumas, with our help and a lot of therapy.
And yes, it was sad when she left, when she moved on, bought a place and made it her flower shop, with her house above it, it was very painful to see her go, but I don't regret anything.
I would do it all again, and again, and again, exactly the way it was, because even though it wasn't eternal, our love was beautiful, and it's sad that things ended, sad that when she was ready for the world, She went to him, but preferred to go without me, but the whole time was so wonderful, so pleasant to remember, that I can't blame her for moving on, I have no reason to.
The memory that makes me happiest about Lily is my birthday.
On my first birthday with Lily, she gave me a bouquet of white lilies, I remember joking about her giving herself to me, but she told me, with a very soft look, that one of the meanings of lilies was “Purity of soul” and that she had never met someone with a soul as beautiful and pure as me, and the fact that I tried to deny it only proved something in her head.
She promised to give me lilies for all my birthdays, and I get lilies in the mail— sometimes in person — to this day, with a small note with the same words I heard years ago “I have yet to meet anyone with a soul as beautiful and pure as yours”
She was a very important part of my life, I learned a lot from her,
And then, months after Lily, there was Peter.
I met Peter in my last year of college, we were all crazy about work and finals, Dorcas was freaking out over every little thing, Evan was grumpier than usual, Barty was locked in his room for days, hisreal room, and Pandora had at least 15 incense sticks around the house, background music, all her work on the table and I'm pretty sure that when I walked past her to look for caffeine, her left eye had some kind of nervous tic .
At the time I would have burst out laughing and gone out to tell everyone that infinite patience— which I knew very well was controlled calm, and a lot of marijuana, because this girl was a hidden bundle of anger — that she had so much pride in was wasting away, but I was in the same situation.
To look for some peace and quiet, I went to a place where I knew I would find it, the college library, where on finals, any student who made noise would be eaten alive by vultures who wanted perfect averages.
That was my place, for sure.
I remember getting there and spending hours revising for my art history exam, I spent a lot, a lot of time, reading and re-reading texts, making notes, observations, putting opinions in a separate part of the notes.
I remember that after moving on to the theoretical part of art techniques, whether from sculptures to mosaics, I found myself relieved to do the practical work and the millions of lines of written work before starting to study for the exams, because when I finished, I was already It was night, and I was exhausted.
When I went to wander among the shelves to return the books I had taken, I heard sobs coming from somewhere in the library, close to me, I would have honestly left whoever it was to cry alone in peace, because it is something relatively normal for emotional people, Evan, as much as he will never admit it, cried at least twice while studying, that was only during the time I was at home, and I don't blame him, he was studying medicine — he passed all his exams with grades between A and B+, which absolute genius that he was, with a brilliant photographic memory, and today he is my doctor.
But the sobs felt like they were gasping for air, and someone in a panic doesn't deserve to be alone, I've been through many panic attacks alone, and guess what, the experience of having no one to pull you back into the real world, and having that pulling yourself out is scary and only makes you more panicked, so I followed through the maze of books, trusting my hearing to lead me to this person.
When I arrived at my destination, what I saw was a blond boy, sitting on a beanbag chair like those that are in random places in the library, he was hyperventilating, his hands pulling his hair, with tears in his eyes and repeating incessantly “I won't make it, I will not be able to".
It was a scene that broke my heart, and I found myself, automatically, putting it under my imaginary mother bird wing that Pandora always insisted I have, but I just don't see it — I believe it's the marijuana, because it doesn't spoke in a metaphorical sense.
I remember sitting with him and trying to calm him down, trying to understand what was happening while reassuring him that everything would be fine, but he was still a little desperate and didn't seem to acknowledge my presence until I touched him, put a hand on his his shoulder and he jumped in fright, only at that moment noticing me there.
“Hey, I'm Regulus, what happened?” and when I asked, his eyes immediately filled with tears again, looking at me with great regret and despair, he murmured “I'm not going to make it, I'm not going to pass these damn tests” he said repeating what he was already saying to himself when I arrived,
I remember asking if he had studied, and he said he studied until the words started to float out of the books, and I reassured him, saying that if he studied so much, he would do very well on the tests, but he said he hadn't. , that I couldn't do it, and so I asked him what he studied, he said he studied programming, and I said, in all honesty:
“Man, if you study programming, you're in your finals and you haven't given up yet, you deserve an award, you're probably a very intelligent man, I'm sure I've heard Barty talk behind the door that he would drop everything and sell his art on the beach at least 7 times today, are you a warrior with this thing about…zeros and ones?” and he laughed, laughed really hard when I said that, and I was genuinely confused, because I swear to you Barty had already said something about it.
But I wasn't offended by being some kind of ignorant on the subject, because he was laughing, and I loved seeing his laugh, it was kind of weird, but completely adorable, and so low that it made me think I could keep it in a little pot.
So he said that yes, there were ones and zeros, but that this was one of the smallest problems he had at that moment, and that he was afraid he wouldn't remember anything on the test tomorrow.
And I admit, I felt sorry, so the fact that I spent the whole night practicing answer cards with him had everything to do with my goodwill and empathy, and nothing to do with how his smile made me spend a lot of time looking at his mouth or that his eyes had an amber color that almost bordered on gold, they were so bright.
Absolutely nothing to see.
Of course, after a night of hard studying — thank God the library was open 24 hours — we exchanged numbers and he promised to tell me whether he did well on the exams or not, and of course he not only told me that he got a good grade on the proof, but he also invited me to dinner to celebrate his victory, and I was the only guest because obviously his friends were too busy on a Sunday night.
And of course we spent a lot of time together after that, because he felt very grateful that I helped him, nothing more.
Peter was really fun to be around, he had a lot of bad jokes ready for any situation, and you know those jokes that are so bad they're good? Those were always the ones he kept especially for me — according to him.
He turned out to be a guy who was very obsessed with mathematics and history, sending random and historical facts that always gave him an opening, and getting very excited while explaining some historical event that he liked, smiling like a madman with his eyes shining with excitement.
Besides being a really nice guy, there was the bonus that he was handsome.
He had blond hair, but not that blond, you know? They were a bit brown, and did I mention how bright her eyes were? How I wanted to get lost in your smile? Like when we were lying down, were we the perfect fit? How I loved every curve of him? Even though he didn't love himself the way he should, he didn't see himself the way I saw him.
I was teased for a long time by my friends for giving him heartfelt looks every time I saw him, for how I was a thousand times more bearable when he was near, or for how, without even realizing it, I touched him more than I touched him. anyone, our skins are always in contact.
And by logic, eventually I asked him to be my girlfriend, dragged Barty to help me buy the rings, and he made fun of me along the way because we had never kissed.
But I honestly didn't care, I just wanted him.
I spent two weeks preparing a perfect date, we went to a museum that I knew he wanted to see and I let him talk about all the facts he wanted in as much detail and depth as he wanted, even though I was confused by how his His mind worked quickly and he scrambled some things, and even though I could see a much more understandable summary in each object we passed, I preferred to hear him talk.
Then we went to an Italian restaurant that he liked, I ordered his favorite dish and a wine to match, we spent the whole dinner talking about everything and nothing, and we laughed so much that a waiter came to politely ask us to lower the sound of our voices.
When it was later in the evening, after dinner, I took him to the balcony of my building at the time and we sat in silence watching the moon and enjoying each other's company, and when it was midnight sharp, the day struck We completed 5 months of knowing each other, and then I proposed.
I expected all kinds of reactions, but seeing him crying desperately saying “I can't, I can't” wasn't on my list.
It took a long time for me to calm him down, telling him that he could deny it if he wanted, that it was his right and that I would never blame him for such a thing, that everything would be fine eventually, but that only seemed to make him more desperate “You don't understand! ”.
And really, I didn't understand, I had no idea what was happening, and then he explained it to me.
Contrary to what I thought, Peter did like me, he truly liked me, but with great regret Peter confessed to me that he was asexual.
I still didn't understand anything, because for me the definition of asexual is when a person has little, relative or no sexual attraction, and not feeling anything romantic for someone was another term.
And he had also already confessed that he liked me as much as I liked him, so the more I tried to understand, the more confused I became.
I explained this to him, and with a look that breaks me to this day, Peter told me that “It wasn't normal”, he told me that he would never have sex with me, because he was never interested and feared he never would, he told me that, in addition Furthermore, he had some absurd restrictions, such as kisses with tongue — which in his view were very disgusting and he didn't feel like it — and even friction between sexual organs made him uncomfortable, even though he was sure he was gay.
I told him that it was okay, that I didn't care, because it was true, even though it was something that caught me off guard, I don't see it as an obstacle, because I loved him more than anything at that moment, and I wanted to whatever he was comfortable giving me.
But he told me that I didn't understand, he told me that all his ex's said that in the beginning, but then they all changed, they started wanting to force him to “Get in the mood” or cheated on him several times, and at the end of it all, They still told him it was his fault for being like this and that if he tried a little to change, maybe he would work out with someone, since in a relationship both sides give up something.
He told me that he tried, but he couldn't, it was disgusting, uncomfortable and he didn't feel good or like it, and that he understood that people wouldn't want anything to do with him, because through all the relationships he'd been through, he was the one problem, the mistake that made them break up with others.
I was completely shocked when he told me this, because I didn't see how anyone could take sex as a plausible reason to break up or even cheat on Peter.
It was Peter, the most adorable, funny, addictive, beautiful, fun, and cool person I had ever met, he had so many interesting things to offer, so many conversations, visions of the future, opinions, the most beautiful damn eyes I've ever seen. had seen, and people summarized it assex?
I couldn't help but be annoyed at all these guys who passed him by, and I felt sorry at the same time, because I'm sure they would never find anyone as sweet as Peter Pettigrew in their lives and I prayed that wouldn't happen, because they They didn't deserve anyone good.
I had, of course, to prove to Peter that none of this mattered to me, that I would deal with my own arousal, that I wouldn't care about kisses without tongues and would never force him into anything, that the dating proposal was still standing. , but if he didn't feel tempted to take risks, I would maintain our friendship without any problems, I might need some time away, but I would be there whenever he needed me.
And you can't imagine my happiness when he agreed to be with me, when he allowed himself to try.
I walked into the apartment that night hand in hand with Peter, announcing to everyone that I was engaged, and that he was the luckiest guy in the world, I remember calling Sirius on a video call and shouting ridiculously happily that “We’re going to be such a great couple.” sweet as you and Rem!” and receive “Is this a competition?” as an answer, along with the laughter of our boyfriends.
Boyfriend.
I, of course, immediately began working on a plan in my mind on how to help Peter.
He lacked self-confidence and had a huge internalized prejudice, and I had to think of something to help him, to show him that he could be loved, that sex was not the basis of all relationships, and that he could, indeed, be in a relationship where there was no sex without involving betrayal or guilt.
The first step was obviously to go to therapy.
It took a while for me to give him the idea and even longer for him to consider it, at first Peter thought I wanted to take him to therapy to “Fix It”, and when he admitted this, I had to convince him that I just wanted him to love himself, and that therapy was good, and we all need it, even those who don't have trauma or psychological problems.
He was very insecure for months, always thinking that I was ready to break up with him at any moment, or that I was cheating on him.
I never did such a thing, and I'm glad that with therapy and all my actions that showed him that everything was okay, that I didn't matter, that no matter how sexually attracted I was to him, I would never "Give in." for our relationship”, he improved drastically, you could tell between the months, he gradually gained self-confidence and self-love.
And I felt so proud of him when he came out, when he told the world who he was, right in community month, he bought a big asexual flag and posted a photo with the caption “I'm not a mistake, and I don't need to be fixed."
When he felt ready and happy for the world, just like the others, he too left.
I can say that with Peter, it hurt more, with him leaving for another state, I fell apart a little, my world suffered an earthquake and collapsed for a few months before I got back to being okay.
Peter had won a job at a renowned network security company, and the only hitch was that it was in another state.
He would never miss this opportunity, I would never let that happen, and even though it was a crazy breakup on my part, I felt that he already wanted this, I felt that he wanted to go out into the world and enjoy life, I felt that I was no longer something else he wanted.
I loved him, so I let him go.
Peter and I didn't keep in touch, in the following months we sent occasional messages or calls to see if everything was ok, but over time, we grew apart and only "communicated" through comments on photos and nothing else.
It was sad, it ended me, but that's okay, because it always ends like this, and as much as it hurts like it was the first time, I always entered these relationships knowing what the end would be.
Because healed people never stay with their healers.
They two were the most memorable, honestly, they were the ones I loved the most, but that doesn't take away the importance of others, like Mary, she was before Peter, but after Lily, she was an incredible girl I met in college class. art history we were doing with the history students, fun girl she was.
We paired up for a job and created a friendship from then on, going out everywhere together and telling secrets late into the night, she was one of the only people who knew in detail about my troubled childhood — not that my friends or Peter and Lily didn't. knew, they knew, but the only ones who knew in such detail were Sirius, who lived the same thing, and Barty, who lived something similar and was my best friend at the time, probably the only good thing I took away from those boring parties to have ties with other high-class families —, and I trusted and loved her very much.
She was dating at the time we met, so I kept my feelings to myself, keeping them secret for many months.
One night, she came to my apartment crying, talking about how he had cheated on her, and that it was her fault that she tried so hard to do well in college and at her job and ended up spending so little time with him, that she neglected him and she was a terrible girlfriend.
I will never know how to explain the anger I felt at this guy for putting these things in her head, for making her think of herself like that.
It took months for her to convince herself that it wasn't her fault, that he was the asshole for not supporting her for striving to be someone in life, for seeking her future, even longer for her not to let herself get carried away. for their paranoia or being jealous of anyone who even breathed near me.
And when she graduated, she moved to Greece, because she had a job as a historian that was waiting for her, a job that she fought tirelessly until she got it, and I feel immensely proud to see how far she has come, to see that the life she wanted, now she lives, among interesting historical objects and beautiful landscapes.
To this day, years later, I receive postcards and messages whenever she goes somewhere new, or we simply call each other to catch up.
And look, don't get me wrong, I don't hold any kind of grudge against any of them, but with all these relationships, I started to be afraid of having something, because everyone always leaves in the end.
It turns out that, after all this, after so many loves and none of them lasting, I decided to live my life alone, I chose to remain single, with a few one-night stands here and there, just for the sake of it, until after a time, not even that, because that type of relationship is not for me.
And as much as I really wanted some comfort from time to time, I'd rather be alone than see people I love leaving for the world, I'd rather be alone than hurt myself more than I've already hurt myself.
Because this is the story of a healer, you can heal as many people as you can, give love, teach them to love themselves, and be loved in the process, but in the end, everyone leaves, and as satisfying as it is to see that you were There for them in this process, you will never be able to heal yourself after them, because every time someone leaves, they take a little bit of you, and rebuilding yourself alone is one of the hardest things I have ever had the displeasure of experiencing.
Even with all the therapy I do.
And all of that led me to this moment.
- What the hell is that? — that's what I said as soon as my blanket was brutally ripped from me one Sunday morning
In the middle of the holidays.
And I'm sure it wasn't Magnus, my cat, who did this, I wouldn't accept such betrayal from him.
— Good morning to you too, little brother — it was Sirius's voice that I heard, and I don't know why I didn't think of him in the first place, damn idiot that he was.
And it was like the gates of hell were opened in my room when he opened the blinds on my window, allowing light to filter into the room and burn my retinas, even though my eyes were closed.
— Ah, Sirius — I groaned, burying my face in the pillow, trying to escape the light that burned me as if I were a vampire, I felt like Edward himself.
— Your excitement about my presence is moving — he said, and I could feel the smile on his face.
— How did you get here?
— You gave me the key, don't you remember? Are you having any memory problems? — he asked, cynical as he was, sitting me on the bed while pulling me by the shoulders.
“And I regret it bitterly, that shit is for emergencies, Sirius,” I said, as I rubbed my eyes, getting used to the sudden brightness, my voice hoarse with sleep.
“But this is an emergency,” he replied in his dramatic tone, as if he was offended by my lack of faith.
— Oh yeah, which one? — I asked with a certain cynicism in my tone of voice, finally managing to fill something other than white blurs of sun, and my vision is filled with a very smug Sirius.
This is never good for me.
— There's going to be a barbecue at James' parents' house and you're going — he answered me, his face dripping with satisfaction — and venom — as he stared at me, that wasn't a good thing.
I, of course, knew this very well, I had been invited by James, by Mrs. PotterIt isby Mr. Potter — they always insisted that I call him by his first name, but old habits are hard to break, especially when calling a superior by his first name, in my house, was a capital crime.
I honestly didn't know how Sirius managed to do this so naturally.
— And why am I going if the friend is yours? — I asked, blinking my eyes at Sirius, in a half-sly, half-slow way that I knew irritated him.
— Stop the drama, you're as good a friend as I am — he scolded, pulling the blanket that I threatened to take back.
— Try again — I knew it was true, but I've never been good at admitting anything.
— Because I want your company on this beautiful Sunday morning.
— Lying at this time of the morning? — came a third voice, Remus suddenly appearing next to me, making me jump.
- Where are you from? I asked, placing my hand on my heart in a futile attempt to calm it.
My house was being invaded.
— From galleys, didn't you know? I spent my entire childhood there — he answered me, smiling in false innocence.
— Haha, very funny — I replied my brother-in-law, smiling as falsely as he was — I forgot that the dog here doesn't go out without its owner to put it on a leash.
— Actually, I didn't bring the collar, but I intend to use it tonight — Remus replied, his smile widening, making him wicked, making me give him a horrified look and my brother choking on air, his cheeks being dyed with red.
— Keep your sex life and my brother's for anyone who will listen, Lupin — I said, disgusted by the mental images that simple comment was bringing to me.
I believe.
"I'm still here, you know," Sirius grumbled after he recovered from his coughing fit.
“Unfortunately,” I replied, not missing the opportunity to torment him, and he stuck his tongue out at me in a very mature way, which I responded in an equally mature way, and we both ignored Remus's eye roll.
- I know you love me.
— I wanted to know who is defaming me out there, making you believe in nonsense like that — I grumbled at him — Come on, tell me once and for all why I have to go to this shit.
— Don't call a Potter family dinner shit, let's start there — Remus corrected me, but he only received a raised eyebrow in return.
— Because James is a really nice guy and very single, and you're a really nice guy and extremely single, so I think it would be a good idea for you two to get to know each other — it was Sirius who gave me the answer, looking at me with that smile of his that I had seen as soon as I woke up.
As I mentioned, nothing good comes to me when that smile grows on my brother's face and is directed at me.
— Sirius — I groaned in frustration, throwing myself back into the lying position I was in before and bitterly regretting all my life choices since leaving that woman's womb.
Coming out of her womb was a regret in itself.
— Seriously, he's a great suitor, I'm sure if you woo him the right way he'll fall for you — Sirius insisted, and then let out a groan of pain when he was hit in the head by Remus.
— Stop treating this like it's the 19th century and you're going to sell your brother for a handsome dowry — Remus scolded him and I exhaled through my nose in a silent laugh while Sirius mumbled an apology.
The trained dog that he was.
— I'm sure James is a great suitor — it was true, Sirius wouldn't accept anything less than the best for me, and if someone perfect existed, Sirius would make her mine, and I was well aware of that — But look at me and look at him, he's practically a work of art, I would spend years painting just him and not get tired of it — I say, it may seem a bit dramatic, but it's the purest truth.
James is absolutely captivating.
After all the amazing people I've ever met, James stands above them all.
He's been my ultimate crush ever since Sirius befriended him two years ago, when he joined the same team Sirius plays for, and since then they've become inseparable.
I saw James once and it was enough for me to have a completely stupid crush on him, and I avoided him like the devil from the cross — even though I had absolutely no success, because he seemed to live in my brother's house, magically, every time I went there, he was — afraid of accidentally saying something embarrassing, or whatever,stutterwhen he spoke to me — it already happened.
Because James, besides being a complete piece of shit, twice my size and with a smile that was too pretty for his own good, was a great person.
According to all the conversations I had with him and all the compliments that everyone around me who knows him gives about him, I considered him my unreachable crush, someone who is too good for me on astronomical levels, like Rihanna, Shawn Mendes and Billie Eilish.
— Have you even looked in the mirror? He'd be a lucky guy if you gave him a chance,” Remus said, contradicting me.
— Stop self-deprecating — Sirius added, a little more directly.
— I'm not self-deprecating, I'm just being realistic, he's funny, cool, outgoing and pretty as hell — I scored all his qualities on my fingertips — And on top of that, the guy is a professional hockey player, he's huge, I'm sure his thigh is the size of my head.
"You might as well find out," Remus said, grinning mischievously and I blushed at the mental images that came through.
I have never been so grateful for my fertile imagination.
— I'm here, stop making insinuations about my brother and me my future brother-in-law — Sirius replied, pretending to be sick.
— This is called karma — I pointed an accusatory finger in his direction and he gave me a middle finger — The idea is great, Remus, but that's not the point — I said, returning to the subject that interested me.
— Fuck, go — said Sirius, pulling me by the arm — Come on, get up, look good, and get your man.
— You have a lot of faith in me — I grumbled, letting myself be dragged away.
— I make up for the fact that you apparently have no faith in yourself at all — it was Remus who said — And if you keep self-deprecating, Crouch and Rosier will know — he said, damn it was the day I introduced them, Evan and Barty are brutal when They want to prove my own worth to me, they say several times that they've invited me for a threesome a thousand times and I was the one who denied it, and we all know how selective Evan is.
— I'm coming — I said hurriedly, tripping and almost falling on the way to the bathroom.
It was going to be a long day.
-
Of all the disasters that could happen, I never imagined thatthatwere to happen.
As soon as we arrived and were welcomed by Mrs. Potter, we went in, following her instructions to go to the back yard, and when I took a general look at the house, realizing that there were only two other people there, I had no idea that one of them would be Lily.
I hadn't seen Lily for at least 3 years, the last time I saw her was on my birthday, when she came to my wife's side to give me lilies, and now, at 26 years old, I didn't expect to find my “ex” hugging me. with my current passion.
But well, have you ever heard about Murphy's law? If not, this is a theory that if something is going to go wrong in your life, it will happen in the worst possible way.
And no, I don't hate Lily, I actually miss our conversations, but knowing that she and James are something isn't muchexciting.
— Oh, shit, I didn't know, I swear to you I didn't know — Sirius entered my field of vision, completely blocking them from my view, but James's hand wrapped around Lily's waist and them practically glued together was engraved in my mind.
“Okay, I've never been lucky in love anyway,” I smiled at Sirius, but it sounded artificial even to me.
— We're serious, we had no idea about that Regulus, sorry — it was Remus who said that, squeezing my shoulder.
— I'm serious too, I believe you.
I didn't blame them, I knew they would never do something like that on purpose, especially if it was going to hurt me.
— Come on, we have a barbecue to enjoy — I said, controlling the urge to pretend there was an emergency and run away.
We headed towards the backyard, going deeper into it, enough to be seen.
I was getting looks from Remus and Sirius the whole way, but I refused to cry, there was no reason to, I knew I didn't have a chance, I knew he would never come into my life like that.
It just hurts a little to have such an explicit confirmation.
—Sirius! — James's shrill scream broke me out of my thoughts, seeing how he immediately started walking towards Sirius.
It was like they hadn't seen each other in ages, but I think they saw each other yesterday, the idiots.
— James! — replied my brother, with a scream as excited as James's, catching him in a bear hug.
— Regulus? — I heard Lily's voice, and I turned to her, smiling widely and opening my arms just in time for her body to collide with mine, in a very tight hug that I missed — Reggie, oh my God, what are you doing here? — she said happily, squeezing me even tighter.
— I think I came for the barbecue — I joked, smiling as we walked away — I missed you, it's not nice to receive flowers in the mail, you know? They never treat them as well as you do.
— I promise I'll come next time — she replied with a radiant smile — How are you? How are you going to the exhibitions? I saw the photos of the last one on your Instagram and she looked divine.
— She was one of my favorites too, but I was thinking of a new one, something based on Mary's postcards, perhaps?
— Oh, that would be beautiful, you have to make a big picture of that photo she sent you from the top of a mountain, where was she again?
- Italy.
— That's right, you know what caught my attention the most about her? How vivid were the colors of-
- Flowers. Yes, I figured you would like it, so I sent you a copy,” I completed his sentence, and we laughed together when it happened.
— Hmm, sorry, but what's going on? — it was James's uncertain voice that brought us out of our little bubble that we had just entered.
— Oh, James, this is Reggie — Lily turned around excitedly, pulling me by the arm towards James, who was staring at us, and then I slowly saw understanding creep across his features, before he broke into a wide smile.
—That Reggie? The one from college? he asked, sounding as excited as she was.
— Yes — Lily cried, and when I least expected it, I felt James grab me in a hug as strong as he gave my brother, if not tighter.
— I can't believe Sirius' Reggie and Lily's Reggie are the same person — he said excitedly as he shook me like I was a doll, and then he walked away very quickly, his hands remaining on my shoulders, leaving me a little stunned by the sudden actions — And how is it possible I only heard good things about you my two favorite people, man you are incredible, a legend even.
— Um, thank you — I murmured, feeling my cheeks flush, because he was much closer than was acceptable, and I oh my God, he has freckles — And how did you two meet? I found myself asking, desperately trying to get my mind to follow other paths, because despite hearing Lily, Remus and Sirius greet each other in the background, my full focus was on James now, because he apparently didn't want to let me go and I was too stunned to move. to move.
James Potter hugged me and was so close.
James Potter committed to my exHe hugged me and was so close.
— Did I never tell you about James? — Lily asked me, confused.
— You never talked about me? How thoughtful,” James said, letting go of me, and going to Lily's side, wrapping his arms around her shoulders.
— Shut up, I'm sure I already told you about him, Reggie — he looked at me deeply, as if searching my head for the memory, and I looked away, seeing that Sirius, Remus were caught up in a conversation with the Mr. Potter, who came from somewhere but I hadn't noticed, Sirius sent me an apologetic look.
—Lily, I'm sure you didn't mention any James to me, I would remember and-
— Shadow — James suddenly shouted, pointing at me and I was startled.
- What? I asked, confused, and then he and Lily looked at each other and burst out laughing.
I have never felt so confused in my life.
— I called James that, I probably must have mentioned some “Shadow Jay Jay” — she explained, still laughing slightly.
And thinking about it, I remember her mentioning a boy who didn't stop following her when she arrived, claiming that she was a new student and deserved someone to protect her and explain how the school worked, the guy actually followed her like she was a damn shadow. , but instead of being inconvenient, he helped her several times when some idiots thought that the fact that they had money made them better than Lily.
They were best friends for most of high school — until Lily got involved with Lestrange in her senior year —, they grew up together and were very close, in fact, Lily and James went to each other's houses, he was the only boy Mrs. Evans allowed to come to her house, and Lily used to call him-
— Oh my God, were you the “Myopic Shadow”? — I found myself saying, looking at James in amazement, and then looking at Lily, and this time, it was Lily and I who burst out laughing.
— Yes, I called him that too — she said between laughs, her eyes were watering, and when she looked at James, she laughed even more in his face, supporting him to avoid falling, placing her hands one on his chest and the other on his forearm, and he, naturally, held it.
Suddenly a bitter taste took over my taste, and I no longer saw that much fun in the nickname.
— What did you call me? he asked, his lips threatening to break into a smile.
— I used to call you that in my head, and it came so naturally to Regulus, he just didn't want to call you Shadow Jay Jay anymore — she explained, still laughing, and James finally cracked a smile.
—I can't believe you called me that-
— Lily, dear, Marcus has arrived — Mrs. Potter's voice interrupted James, and as soon as we heard that, a guy entered the yard, he was a black man, with a beautiful and big afro, in a Black Power, he had a big smile on his face and his eyes were a little slanted.
Lily immediately went to meet the said man, giving akisson him, and when I turned to James, he didn't even seem to care, turning to his mother, who was handing him a dish with something inside, he seemed much more interested in what was inside the dish in his hands than in his supposed girlfriend kissing him. another face.
I turned to Remus and Sirius, who were also looking at the scene with great interest, and when Remus caught my gaze, his eyes were shining with relief and he was smiling slightly.
My expressions were probably similar, because I breathed a sigh of relief as soon as I realized it was all a mistake, that Lily and James were just friends, that he was still very much,very single.
I think I spent a little too long in my own head, that I barely noticed Lily coming to my side again, and when she cleared her throat, I looked at her, and then I looked around, and James, Mrs. Potter, and Marcus were gone, and so I turned to Lily again.
- Where…?
— They went to help Effie get the rest of the dishes — she explained to me, and I nodded, still a little stunned by the difference in emotions I had in the last 20 minutes.
— So...— I begin.
— So…?— she asks, arching an eyebrow.
— Are you and James…? For a while I thought you guys had something, and then this new guy arrived and I guess my mind went wrong — I explained it to her, being honest about it.
— No, I believe — Lily said as soon as she understood what I was asking, and I laughed — Seriously, he's like a brother to me, it would basically be incest — she added and I laughed some more.
— Okay, sorry, sorry — I said, raising my arms in surrender, recovering from the small fit of laughter I had.
— But that means James is absolutely available — she told me, with a knowing smile on her lips — If you're interested, of course.
— Did you, for some divine reason, speak to my brother? — I couldn't help but ask, because it wasn'tpossiblethat I was so obvious.
— No, I only know you, and you know those same passionate looks you sent my way, years ago? I see you sending it to him — she confided in me, whispering with an amused smile on her lips, as if telling a secret that only I didn't know.
“No, I don't,” I denied, refusing to accept that everyone knows.
— You do — she stated, smiling even wider.
— I don't know what you're arguing about, but I agree with the redhead — Sirius suddenly appeared, interjecting.
- It saw? He agrees with me,” Lily said smugly.
— His opinion is biased and irrelevant, he disagrees with everything I say, so what he says doesn't make sense, considering I'm always right — I point out, poking Sirius in the ribs, making him jump away.
— I don't know what you're arguing about, but I agree with Regulus — Remus also chimed in, appearing behind me out of nowhere and giving me a fright,again.
“Treason,” Sirius said, as dramatic as ever.
“You know, darling, Regulus is usually right. What is the subject of the discussion? — he said, putting his arm around Sirius' waist.
— We're talking about Reggie's romantic life — Lily suddenly wanted to be helpful, delivering the answer on a plate.
"Oh, he's wrong, then," Remus said, shaking his head in a way that showed he now understood what the argument was about.
— See moony, you should trust me more — Sirius grumbled with a frown at his husband.
— No, dear, that's one of the only exceptions, otherwise he's right. Apart from his appearance, he's absolutely wrong about that, anyone who merely looks like you deserves to win an award for their beauty, and you and Reggie are almost twins — he said sweetly, giving Sirius and I a kiss on the lips. I rolled my eyes so deeply, I swear I saw my brain.
— And that's why I married for you — Sirius replied, smiling with heartfelt eyes at the taller one.
— Did you marry me because of the compliments? You sell yourself very easily, I thought it was due to my love — Remus said, pretending to be offended, but his pose didn't last long, soon Sirius was giving him several pecks.
— Oh yes, that's why too.
— You can't say much, I'm sure that if I give you a basket of Belgian chocolates, you'll trade my brother for me — I interjected before I vomited.
“True,” Remus agreed faithfully.
- What? said Sirius, looking shocked that his husband had agreed with me, and I gave him a smug smile.
— That's not the point of the argument, you're still wrong — Lily said, turning her attention to me, the bitch.
“Oh, for love,” I groaned, rubbing my face.
— I disagree with Lily — James appeared out of nowhere, smiling like an idiot, Lily rolled her eyes — What are we discussing?
— You three are fucking copies of each other, what the fuck? — I say, partly because I'm impressed by the order of similar events I've just witnessed, partly because I want to divert the subject.
— Yes, we are — they said simultaneously, James and Sirius seemed proud of it, while poor Remus seemed to hate the words he had just said, no matter how true they were.
— James forgets that we're not his parents and whenever he has problems, they come to us, and James has a lot of problems, so we spend a lot of time together — Remus said with regret.
— No, I'll come to you — James corrected, ignoring the offended look Sirius sent him — You're the voice of reason, and so is Lily, but she lives far away — he complained, pointing his finger at Lily as if that were a defect , and I completely agree with him, I wish Lily lived close to us — But Sirius agrees with everything I say, which isn't very useful — he finished, looking thoughtful.
“Thank you for your consideration,” Sirius said dryly.
— Think on the bright side, you get the good things, stupid ideas and hugs — James says.
“I get a lot of hugs too,” Remus said.
“Me too,” Lily agreed.
— Okay, everyone gets lots of hugs from James — James said, smiling contentedly.
— Not Reggie, I think he needs special attention to make up for it — Sirius said, the bastard, and James frowned, looking upset at the prospect of not giving me as many hugs as everyone else.
And okay, maybe my chest felt a little warm from it, but I blame the sun.
— Really, how many hugs did you give him today? One? — Remus joined the conversation.
— What a sin, Regulus must be unhappy — Lily added, shaking her head, as if she was disappointed, and James at that point, looked horrified, as if he had committed a crime.
Then I blinked, and when I opened my eyes again, James was glued to me, hugging me tightly, as if he wanted to make up for not hugging me more.
From what little he could see over James's ridiculously massive shoulders, Sirius was chuckling silently, Lily and Remus looked smug, but they all had something in common beyond obvious satisfaction.
They were leaving, moving away from us with quick steps and sideways glances.
I need new friends, I doubt Peter and Mary would do that to me.
In fact, I don't doubt it, I only interact with bad people, I'm sure they would do worse if they had the chance, like locking us in a closet or something like that.
The damn day I introduced them, they became a very dangerous trio for me, and I hate them all.
Of course, I couldn't spend much time thinking about my hatred towards my friends and brother, because James was hugging me so tight, and didn't seem to want to let go anytime soon.
And one thing I had noticed when he first hugged me, years ago, was that James Potter waswarm.
Not in the sexual sense — that too — but in the literal sense of the word, James emanated heat even when you were out of reach of his claws, any slightest touch you have with him will make it ridiculously clear how hot he is.
And for a moment, I felt myself sinking into him, felt myself slipping into his embrace and clinging to his shirt like my life depended on it, burying my face in his neck and enjoying how comfortable James could make me, even though he was basically immobilized. , without any chance of escaping.
Because I didn't want to.
I mean, who wants to run away from James? From the adorable, cute, funny, warm, friendly, interesting, sweet James? Who in their right mind would deny that? Would you walk away and walk away, as if he wasn't worth it?
Nobody.
Exactly, no one.
And it was because of this exact realization that I walked away, gave a yellow smile to his confused features and entered the house in a hurry, locking myself in the first bathroom I found.
Because no one would deny James Potter, and if he had everyone in the world at his fingertips, why would he even consider choosing me?
And I couldn't gain hope, norI wantedgain hope. ]
If you create hopes, you will be frustrated, and if you are frustrated, you will become bitter over time, so when I was 7 years old and understood this, I took it as a philosophy of life, which I follow to this day.
I know it seems like a stupid idea to follow the philosophy of a traumatized 7 year old who had just been beaten, but that's how I survived, that's how I survive, that's how I didn't let my world fall apart when every person who I loved her until now and left, even if at some point, she would come back.
That's how I thought when I saw Sirius rebel and go live with the Lupins, leaving me alone at home, even if he picked me up years later.
That's how I thought when Barty cut off contact with me, when Sirius came back for me, even if he came back years later, when he himself ran away, when he understood how horrible it was to live in those conditions, in that snake game that was the high class.
That's how I thought when Pandora and Dorcas believed false accusations of harassment I suffered my sophomore year of college, even though they came back days later.
That's how I thought when Evan ignored me for months when I told him some truths, even though he came back when he understood that I didn't want him harm.
That's how I thought when everyone I loved in a romantic way left, even though they still kept in touch every now and then.
Because if you don't create expectations in a person, if you don't expect anything from them, you won't be disappointed.
But over time, after all the pain, all the comings and goings, all the inconstancies in the life of someone like me, who loves constancy more than anything, you get tired of fighting, you get tired of trying and trying again, even though you You know the end of this story.
You get tired of watching and rewatching the film with the tragic ending that the relationships in your life turned into, you get tired of how different people are, but everything seems the same, even the pain.
That's why I walked away, that's why I was in a bathroom, staring at my own reflection and wondering why I let Sirius drag me here, even though I knew he wouldn't take any advantage of the situation.
I think it was because he could do that, make me contradict every decision I made, break every rule I set, just to have a little more of him, a little more of James.
James was like a damn drug, and I was the unfortunate one who ended up addicted.
I stare at my own reflection and let out a bitter laugh, thinking about all the times I went out with them, and all the times James went home with a nice date, not even trying to get it, just going and getting what he wanted, when I wanted.
Was it so selfish of me to want him to choose me, even just once? Or maybe forever?
— Regulus? Are you there? — speaking of the devil, I hear James's voice on the other side of the door, and I consider remaining silent until he leaves, or even saying “No”, which would be translated to “Get lost and leave me alone! ”.
But it was James.
“Hi, um, yes, I am,” I said, my voice breaking due to my scratchy throat from the crying that threatened to come out, and I hadn't even noticed that my eyes were flooded with tears, just waiting to come out.
— Are you cool? — he asked me, but my throat was starting to close up and I wasn't sure if I could lie at that moment, but he must have taken my silence as a negative answer, because he continued — Look, if I made you uncomfortable out there, I'm sorry , I didn't mean to, I like hugs, but I should have realized that you didn't, or...or maybe the problem was me-
— You will never be a problem for me! — I said loudly and slightly desperate, practically shouting so that he wouldn't see things in a distorted way, but also not wanting him to see the shameful truth.
I cursed myself immediately afterwards for how painfully obvious I had been, and James is no idiot, and I believe he noticed, because there is a heavy silence immediately afterwards.
— Look, I don't know what's going on, I'm getting really mixed signals here — he says, and I can hear the sincerity in his tone, but now the one who was confused — and a little worried — was me.
What mixed signals?
I realize I must have expressed my thoughts out loud, because he responds.
— I mean, it would be completely understandable if you didn't reciprocate, I would never be mad at you because of that, if that's your fear, and much less would it make things awkward, especially since I'm best friends with your brother and brother-in-law, but I think that being clear about this would be cool? — James said, his voice sounding uncertain, seeming like he didn't know how to say it, but he could still feel the confidence in his voice, the courage.
Before I could stop myself, I unlocked the door and threw it open, causing James, who was leaning against it, to almost fall.
— Repay what? — I asked, for the first time allowing a little hope to enter me, and I stared at him in silence for a few seconds, I could practically see the smoke coming out of his ears at the speed at which he was thinking, I felt a little cornered by his intense look, I didn't back away, but shifted the weight of my body between my feet.
"Oh my God, Sirius was right, you're an idiot," James said, finally coming to a conclusion, looking surprised at what he heard and for a moment I thought he was making fun of me, that I somehow understood things from wrong way, and the anguish must have shown on my features, because he soon continued — No, not in that sense, it's like, you really have no idea what I was talking about? Have you no idea what's been going on for months?
- I should? — I replied, going defensive in automatic mode, and he looked desperate.
— Of course you should, I've been very obvious about my feelings in the last few months, maybe even in the last year — he said, looking increasingly frantic and desperate, ruffling his already naturally messy hair, running his hand through it in a anxious that made me want to rip them out and replace them with my own, wanting to prove if her locks were as soft as they looked.
- Feelings? — I repeated like a damn parrot, my voice becoming embarrassingly high-pitched.
“Yes, Regulus, feelings,” he said, looking like he was about to cry at my confusion.
— But...but what about all those people you were with? — I tried, in vain, to find the lie.
— I haven't dated anyone in months, Regulus,months.
And come to think of it, he hadn't really gone out with anyone in a while, I barely remember the last time I saw him coming home with anyone other than Remus, Sirius, and my God,eu.
James probably saw the realization fall on my shoulders, because he nodded fervently, as if proving a point.
— I hadn't noticed — he said very slowly, too stunned to care.
James liked me.
James Potter, the guy I've been pining after since I met him, liked me for months and I didn'tI noticed.
— Yes, now I can see, and I have to tell you, you werevery blind not to see — he answered me, the desperation apparently disappearing from his body, little by little he began to relax — I'm sure I used the phrase “Do you always come here?” with you two weeks ago when we went to that club.
— I thought you were drunk! — I defended myself, because I remembered exactly the moment when he played Joey Tribianni and started hitting on me.
— It hadn't even been given an hour since we arrived, how the hell would I be drunk? — He frowns, looking at me with a doubtful look.
— Maybe you were…weak to drink? — I tried to argue, but only received a skeptical look in response.
I knew he wasn't weak to drink, I saw him down enough shots of tequila to knock down a buffalo, and he stood his ground, and everyone knows what tequila does to us, it's humiliating — living proof of that is Sirius, who tried to lull James, and spent the night trying to win over Remus,your husband, cried inconsolably when Remus said he was married,with him, and ended the night vomiting in my bathroom, because when Remus tried to persuade him to go home, Sirius refused to belover, because I didn't want to end yourown marriage, and even gave Remus a moral lesson, saying that what he was trying to do was ridiculous, that he shouldn't hurt his husband like that, and that a Greek God like him had to have a defect, and if it wasn't in appearance , it was in character.
And today, looking back, reliving all our moments, I see that I wasI am tryingnot to see what was obvious.
James was excessively affectionate with me - which is why he must have been devastated when he realized that he had only given me a hug today - he was always making conversation, when he wasn't chasing Remus and Sirius, he was chasing me, making jokes, long touches and much more that I tookfriendship.
And above all, James obeyed me, not like an idiot with no attitude or obsessed with pleasing me, he just seemed to genuinely listen to me and take my opinion into consideration, putting my word above that of others.Remus, and when a very rare, drunken James showed up, I was the only one he listened to, the only one he followed, held on to, and didn't let go of until he was sober again.
I spent so long depriving myself of being happy, believing that it wasn't for me, that relationships and Regulus Black in the same sentence didn't mix, that I didn't see what was right in front of me.
Damn, and I'm an idiot.
— I know you're having an epiphany at the moment, but if you wanted to give me an answer, I would be very grateful — James said, breaking me out of my thoughts, when I focused my vision on him again, I noticed that he looked nervous, anxious. for what would happen, as if he wasn't sure what would come next.
He wanted an answer.
Like I didn't just throw a tantrum over him, and then I'm the idiot.
— Yes, James, fuck, of course I do, I like you — I gave him his answer, and I saw all the tension in his body deflate, as if a weight was lifted from his shoulders, at the same time as He opened a huge smile, his eyes shining in such a captivating way that it made all other looks dull and lifeless at me, even the most beautiful ones.
Because none of them matched James Potter's brown eyes, people might find the color boring, but his eye color became my new favorite color.
“I'm going to kiss you now,” James said, and I was so lost in his eyes that it took a while for my brain to comprehend what he had said.
And then, as spontaneous as James always was, I felt his lips crash into mine.
When our mouths touched, I was suddenly wonderfully aware of how close we were, how he had one hand on my hip and the other on my neck, how our bodies were almost melting, how he was having me completely surrendered. to you.
I can't describe in exact words what the experience of kissing James is like without sounding like a total cheesy one.
At the very least, kissing him can be described asmagical, because I'm sure I could feel the magic coursing through my veins, bright and sure and vibrating with joy, as I was pulled closer and closer against James.
I could feel the world stopping, as if the universe was leaving us in the spotlight, shining all the spotlight on us, at the same time, I felt a new world being created in my head, with the name of James Potter, and a thousand doors were opened, showing me new expectations, new future experiences, showing me that I could believe in him, believe that he would stay.
And for the first time in my life, I allowed myself to believe, to believe the foolish lie that we had happily ever after in our hands, that the fairy tale was within our reach.
Kissing James was like a hurricane, it was like going head first into him, without knowing if there would be any way back, but even so, I didn't have any kind of fear of doing it, of daring.
And one of the few times in my life, I felt brave enough to take the plunge without any regrets.
Like I said, I couldn't describe this moment without being absurdly corny, but for those who want technical details, I can try to be less passionate for a few paragraphs.
When James kissed me, I felt my world spin, my legs went wobbly and I grabbed any part of his body to keep myself steady, but even so, I returned the kiss with the same intensity.
I felt my insides burn with happiness and excitement, because the more and more he squeezed my hips and pressed me against him, it was as if my body was combusting, and each time he repeated the movement, I felt closer to explode.
And while it was frustrating to never be too close, it was delightful to feel that he was as desperate as I was for physical contact, if his hand venturing under my shirt said anything.
When I felt his tongue make its way into my mouth, and I could finally pull his hair and taste how soft it was, I felt blessed by the Gods.
But the best, without a doubt, was when I pulled his hair particularly hard, and hemoanedon my lips, making me shiver to the bone.
In short, kissing James was a sin, but every time his tongue met mine, I felt like I was in heaven.
"You're so beautiful," James said as soon as we broke apart for air, our foreheads were pressed together and I was too confusedly delighted to pay attention to what he was saying, because we were still pressed together, his hands were still on my hips, but Now the bastard was making light circular movements with his fingers under my shirt.
And honestly, I had so much James in me, around me and covering my entire vision, that I honestly didn't have the ability to function properly, judge me.
“Hmm,” I replied shrewdly and he laughed.
— It's incredible to see how I affect you — he murmured, giving another chaste kiss and laughing when I chased his lips in a flustered way when he pulled away — We have a date on Saturday, at 7 pm, be ready for me to pick you up — James said, before giving me one last kiss and leaving.
And I remained where he left me, a little dazed, my thoughts were “James, James, James, James, James” for a long time, I don't know how long, I had lost track of time after James kissed me, until Sirius appeared in my field of vision, looking worried.
— I saw you coming up looking upset and James coming after, what happened? Are you well? Sirius asked, cupping my cheeks as if checking for injuries.
Puff, as if James would be able to hurt me.
— I have a date with James Potter — I said, laughing, even though my voice was distorted due to Sirius' grip on my face.
When the penny dropped, I had to lean on the sink to hold myself up, Sirius's hands abandoning me in the process, and I turned with a frightened expression to my brother, who looked very happy.
— I have a date with James Potter!