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Jackie Taylor spent a lot of time thinking about how to decorate her room. One summer when she was 14, she begged all her neighbors to let her mow the lawn, walk their pets, anything she could do to pour back into posters, a pink lava lamp, and glow-in-the-dark sticker stars. Her magazine bedroom was a complete success. She admired it for a week and spent the following school year in entirely Shauna’s room.
Shauna’s room is the opposite of Jackie’s. Both are equally messy but in different ways. Where the top of Shauna’s desk is never anywhere to be found, clothes spill out of Jackie’s closet and litter her floor. Shauna’s room is just as colorful as hers, but it styles a darker palette. It feels more artistic. Unlike Jackie’s, it’s filled with things she’s collected rather than bought. In their rare silences, Jackie always has something to look at, and the conversation revives itself right away.
Jeff’s room has nothing in it.
It doesn’t quite smell bad, but it certainly doesn’t smell good. Despite visiting many times before, it still smells heavy to Jackie. A little suffocating, like she doesn’t belong there. She always leaves with a little headache. Even today, she lays her head on Jeff’s chest and fills the (long) silence on his bed with grooves in the popcorn ceiling.
She feels the beginning of a tug at her temples. This is the part where Shauna always comes to save her. Today Shauna’s her ride to a welcome-back-from-winning-Nationals party at Van’s, but the idea of going together is hardly a relief. She’s pissed at Shauna. She’s so pissed, she called Shauna earlier to tell her she’d rather get ready at Jeff’s. Then, Shauna had the audacity to act like that wasn’t the weirdest thing Jackie has ever said, and told her that it was totally fine and it’s good she gets to spend time with her boyfriend . She’s so pissed that even Jeff notices the way her breathing stops as she replays the conversation.
“What are you thinking about, Jax?”
“Nothing,” she lies, turning over to face him, “I was just thinking about…”
Shauna.
Jackie rolls over and kisses him. Once, twice, climbing on top of him, and a couple more for good measure. I think I’m getting better at this, she lets the thought pass quietly, because it never feels any different. She pulls away for air.
“What’s gotten into you?” says Jeff, propping her up with his hands on her shoulder, “I thought you didn’t want to kiss after you finished your lipstick.”
“It’s all for you anyways,” she replies, diving down for another quick peck before sitting up and ruffling her loose curls, “but the hair has to stay intact.”
“You got it,” says Jeff, leaning back up against the wall to meet her. He leans in for another kiss. And another. Once Jackie finds her pace she closes her eyes and thinks about how this probably is ruining her lipstick. I should probably reapply it before Shauna gets here . Jeff’s hands run down the side of her dress, hers come up to grab his shoulders. Maybe I should go for a different color . Tongue. Maybe something darker . A brief, awkward clash of teeth, they ignore it. Maybe I should reapply it in front of her, once I get in the car-
Jackie wonders how it’s so easy to ignore Jeff’s presence even with his tongue in her mouth, but she can tell that Shauna’s here from the faintest sound of a car rolling up outside the window. She doesn’t move yet, but she opens her eyes just a little to watch Shauna pull up to the curb and park. She pulls back gently.
“I think that Shauna’s here,” she says softly, trying to gauge the look in his eyes.
No change. No tells.
“We’ll have to continue this later." He gives Jackie a quick kiss on the forehead and they both start to stand up together. Jeff waits towards the door while Jackie heads for the mirror on the wall, patting down her hair and reaching for the darker lipstick. She decides to take it with her.
Shauna had been acting weird for a while- weird, as in mostly normal, but more distant from Jackie, which was weird. She chalked it up to nerves before nationals, but then noticed how Shauna didn’t quite feel the high of the win the way her and the other girls did. When she asked, for what felt like the hundredth time, Shauna just said she was fine.
They spent their first night home at Jackie’s. It wasn’t the first time Shauna had left her journal on Jackie’s desk, most of their stuff traveled back and forth between their houses, but Jackie never thought to read it. She didn’t have to. She didn’t want to- but she always told Shauna everything about herself and never knew what was going on in return. It just wasn’t fair.
She told herself she would just read the latest date but ended up entranced, reading it all from awful back to horrible front. Shauna had kept a diary for as long as Jackie can remember, but just started this new journal recently. It didn’t have a lot of entries, just enough to leave Jackie with more questions than answers, and just enough to leave her a bawling mess. She remembers being frozen in time, curling up into her desk chair, crying uncomfortably into her knees for hours, even though her bed was right there. She couldn’t move- after that she didn’t want to eat. She didn’t want to do anything, especially talk about it. So she still hasn’t.
Jackie follows Jeff down the stairs where his mom has already let Shauna in. She’s wearing the red dress, the boob dress, and she looks so good that it makes Jackie angry all over again.
“Hey Shauna,” says Jeff, while Jackie watches like a hawk. Nothing. How can there be nothing when she’s in the boob dress?
“Hey,” she replies casually, “Are you guys ready?”
Double nothing. How can there be nothing with my lipstick on his neck?
At first Jackie cursed herself for being so naive. How could she miss the two people closest to her going behind her back like that? And then, she hated herself for reading the diary at all. It wasn’t hers to read, sure , but now, standing in front of these two, who are so good at lying, she doesn’t blame herself at all.
“Yeah, we’re ready,” Jackie smiles excitedly, stepping in front of Jeff to put her arm around Shauna. She can play it cool, too. Triple nothing.
They roll out as a trio. Jeff doesn’t seem to mind when Jackie takes the front seat. She thought about sitting in the back with him. She thought about kissing him in the backseat while Shauna drives- but as many holes as there are in their friendship right now, they would be nothing if Jackie wasn’t sitting in Shauna’s passenger seat. So she settles for flipping down the sun visor and reapplying her lipstick in the mirror instead. Shauna’s eyes leave the road, ever so briefly. She watches Jackie’s lips, looks back, and swallows. Jackpot . Something. Jackie just isn’t sure what.
“Shauna, what is this music?” Jeff finally cracks the tension.
Jackie laughs and jabs a soft elbow towards the driver seat.
“That’s what I’m always saying!”
“Hey!” Shauna takes a hand off the wheel for a second to return the gentle hit, “You end up liking everything I play eventually.”
“Wearing me down is not the same as me liking something,” Jackie gives her a harder elbow.
“Ow! Do you want me to crash?” Shauna teasingly swerves, not enough to come close to any lines, but enough for Jackie to scream, over the top dramatic. They erupt into giggles.
“You haven’t had enough Malibu and milk for this yet,” says Jackie through the laughter.
“I think we’ll have to fix that,” Shauna replies. Jackie smiles over at the driver's seat, suddenly wishing she got ready with Shauna today. That Jeff wasn’t lurking in the backseat. That they weren’t going to a party with even more people.
They pull up to Van’s house, which Jackie has never been to, but it sticks out with teenagers buzzing around the front porch, begging for the cops to be called. It’s just a house party, but there’s a clear dress code: Boys in varsity jackets, girls in slutty dresses. Usually she would love it. She fits right in, but ever since the diary, she doesn’t quite feel like she belongs.
They walk in like they’re celebrities on the red carpet. Obviously, they’re trying to get straight to whichever table top is covered with solo cups and cheap vodkas, but it’s a long journey from the porch to the kitchen with all the people in the way. Jeff gets pulled in for fist bumps and handshakes that Jackie can’t understand, while Jackie and Shauna navigate a wide spectrum of genuine and backhanded “You guys look so good!”s.
Shauna’s red dress is a huge hit. She credits Jackie for selecting it every single time. Jackie always returns with being supportive, says it only works because Shauna makes it work. They feel like a team. They are such a good team. She barely even remembers why she’s so pissed. She imagines another night, one where maybe she pressures Shauna into wearing the dress, one where Jackie says I told you so, one where all of Shauna’s compliments feel like Jackie’s, and then they both go home a wreck. She’s determined for tonight to stay like this instead. In order to stay un-pissed, she has to stay un-hurt. That’s the goal for tonight.
They finally make it into the kitchen, losing Jeff somewhere along the way. Final round of greetings.
“Nice boobs,” says Nat to Shauna, in place of a hello. Definitely on the genuine side of the spectrum.
“Thanks, they’re Jackie’s,” says Shauna without thinking.
“What?” replies Nat, stifling a laugh. From the sidelines of the conversation, Jackie watches Van give Taissa some sort of look, earning a punch in return. She lets Shauna try to sort this one out on her own.
“Wait- I mean they’re, uh,” Shauna fumbles over words, “The dress. It’s Jackie’s, or, I mean, she chose it.”
“Okay,” says Nat, “that’s, uh, cool.”
The silence is tangible.
“Alright then, I think you guys need some alcohol,” Van offers, saving the day. Shauna’s already stealing a Rainier from the nearest counter and clicking it open.
It starts with Jackie and Shauna doing one shot. Then, another with Tai and Van. Then, another in a big, messy crowd. After that, Jackie starts to lose count.
Van and Tai really know how to throw a party. Sure, it’s a trashy house party, but it’s a good one. Everyone is glowing from the post-win. There’s shots in the kitchen, dancing in the living room, making out on the front porch, deep talks on the back. After her fourth shot, Jackie never lets Shauna out of her sight, actually, maybe never even lets go of her arm. She’s so close to forgetting that she’s not happy.
Following Shauna around means that Jackie spends all her time at the beer-pong dining table. Shauna’s a verified champion, but she’s always humble. She insists that her and Jackie are a team even though all Jackie does is cheer, tug on her arm at the wrong times, and steal most of her losing drinks.
Jackie’s so focused on the game she doesn’t notice when the sun sets or when a crowd starts to hover around them. It’s not until the final cup that she realizes the whole house is chanting, split even between Shauna and the jock she’s up against. She howls even louder for Team Shauna in hopes to turn the tide.
Shauna crouches down and eyes the trajectory of the ball. Jackie’s eyes are trained on the opposing red cup. She hears the click of the ping-pong ball on the table, then the eruption of cheers, and jumps straight into Shauna’s arms. She barely registers herself as she leaves Shauna a kiss on the cheek, deep enough to stain that dark lipstick right there. It’s the highest Jackie has felt in a long time. So naturally, Shauna starts to act really fucking weird.
Jackie’s still on her side like an excited puppy, waiting to follow wherever she goes next. Shauna only spares her one shy smile before averting her eyes, which Jackie watches in a slow-motion frame, knowing she’s not going to get that attention back for the rest of the night. Shauna doesn’t gift another glance before she tries to lose Jackie in the crowd. It feels like winning nationals all over again. She just doesn’t know why.
Jackie begrudgingly lets Shauna out of her sight for the first time since they arrived. She feels herself getting pulled to the opposite end of crowd. Even with the buzz of the beer pong over there’s still a loose gathering around the dining table, simmering with leftover excitement while they decide what to play next.
Randy dramatically chugs down a bottle and slams it into the center of the table. The crowd begins to ooooh! and a circle starts to form. Jackie’s already had enough of the separation. She takes back her rightful place on Shauna’s left.
“Come on,” Jackie whispers, tugging at her hand, “let’s go.”
“What?” Just like that, Shauna looks pissed. Jackie already feels herself on the defensive.
“It’s spin the bottle. You know,” Jackie tugs again, “Jeff. I can’t play.”
“Then don’t,” Shauna snaps, Jackie flinching off of her.
“Fine,” she takes a few steps and crosses her arms, “Fine. I won’t. I’m not a cheater.”
She’s hot on her heels as she turns around, not even waiting to watch for changes in Shauna’s eyes. She doesn’t care about Shauna’s reaction. She already knows the truth.
Jeff’s sitting on the couch with a beer, talking to a loose gang of varsity-clad look-alikes. Jackie stomps through the circle, furious, and it feels like the whole house stops to watch.
“Jeff,” she says heavily. He looks up at her with a wide eyed terror.
The room breaks into whistles when Jackie straddles his lap. She has both hands on his head, pulling him in for a hot, fast-paced kiss. As soon as he catches up, his hands are running along her waist, hips, outer thighs. Jackie usually doesn’t kiss Jeff in public- or she didn’t before nationals, but this time they successfully evacuate the rest of the couch.
Jackie has a secret intuition that the nerve endings on her lips don’t work like they’re supposed to, or even worse, that every movie she’s watched has lied to her about how they should work at all. Still, tonight is kind of fun, not the kissing, but the attention. Maybe she’s had too many drinks, but something about all the eyes on her inspire her to lick, bite, and pull in a way she’s never wanted to before.
She always wanted to make it special. Maybe intimacy could be something special, sometime later, with someone else, but ever since the diary- fuck it. Jackie pulls Jeff’s head lower, inviting him onto her neck. She translates her anger into bravery. She wants people to watch, to gossip, to shatter the image of Jackie the prude. It’s exciting , thinking about what Shauna must think -
She gasps and opens her eyes briefly, scanning for Shauna in the spin-the-bottle crowd. She’s displeased to see she’s not staring right back at her, but catches just the right time for her bottle to land on Randy. Shauna lets the crowd build up with hollers and ooohs. Randy is already standing up to meet her. Shauna glances up at Jackie, surprised to see the eye-contact match, and then looks away like a deer in the headlights. She takes a shot instead.
Jackie feels her tension resolve with the crowd’s disappointment and focuses back in on Jeff, bringing their lips together again. She lets herself get lost in it for a bit, starting to space out and lose the fire she had at the beginning. Then, she hears the chant of Shauna’s name again. She tries harder to play it cool this time, keeping her eyes closed.
She feels anticipation build in the crowd’s quiet.
“Lottie! Lottie! Lottie!”
She abruptly pulls off of Jeff and watches from his lap. He seems confused, turning his head back to see what’s going, but Jackie’s eyes are trained on the dining table.
She’s not sure why her heart is racing so fast. When the bottle lands on another girl there are only two options: One, to drink. Two, to kiss her if you’re looking for another boy’s attention. Shauna’s not like the latter, so why is she moving across the table.
Why the fuck is she kissing Lottie Matthews.
Jackie pushes herself off the couch like she’s been burned. She feels like she’s suffocating, she barely registers her surroundings, shoving past people to get to the door. She tugs her mini-jacket off the coat hanger at the front of the house and starts walking. It’s fucking cold outside and she’s not sure where she’s going, but she knows she has to get away.
She makes it a full, uninterrupted block down from Van’s house before she hears footsteps running up behind her.
“JACKIE!”
She keeps walking.
“JACKIE!” Shauna shouts again, getting closer, “I’m your ride! Where the fuck are you going?”
“Jackie!” She finally catches up, violently catching her arm, “Listen to me!”
She pulls her around and faces Jackie’s big, teary eyes. Not pissed, not angry, just hurt.
Shauna takes a meek step backwards and softens the grip on her arm. Jackie watches her reactions intently, and as per usual, can’t figure them out. Shauna’s eyes water too- it’s something gentle, painful, and a little guilty.
Then it’s furious.
Jackie strikes first.
“What the fuck, Shauna?” She shouts, striking her hand away.
“What, Jackie? What is it this time?” Shauna hardens, crossing her arms. Jackie takes an invading step forward.
“Why the fuck did you kiss Lottie?” She hisses through gritted teeth.
“Because we were playing a game? Come on, Jackie.”
“No- I…” Jackie hesitates, she’s losing her footing. She finds it hard to make an argument when she’s not quite sure what she’s angry about. She turns to walk away instead.
“Oh my god, Jackie,” Shauna pulls her arm again, “What the hell is wrong with you? Why do you even care?”
“Because it’s fucking disgusting!” Jackie yells, snapping around. It echoes into the dark neighborhood. She stares up at Shauna from under a streetlight, losing breath, mascara running, a wreck illuminated by rage.
Shauna looks devastated.
Jackie doesn’t know what she just said. She feels suddenly nauseous, a pit of guilt churning inside her.
“Fine,” Shauna says softly, breaking the long, loud silence. “Just walk home. I don’t care.”
Shauna lets go and Jackie jerks backwards. They both turn outwards, but neither of them start to move. Jackie has no clue what just happened and she needs a moment to think. She suddenly remembers why she’s supposed to be angry, although now it feels so far away.
“I know,” says Jackie, quietly.
“What?” whispers Shauna. It sounds broken and afraid, like Jackie has never heard before. They turn to face each other again. For the first time ever, Shauna looks fragile. Jackie’s ready to blow up again.
“I know that you’ve been sleeping with Jeff.”
It doesn’t do what it’s supposed to. For a second, Shauna almost looks relieved. Jackie’s head spins. She wonders if she’s hiding something else- and what could be worse than that?
Shauna doesn’t say anything. It drives her crazy.
“Why did you do it?” Jackie bites. She’s sick of not having answers.
“Why, Shauna?” she shouts again, letting it crescendo. She gives her a hard shove backwards. “Why?”
“I don’t know, I–“ Shauna cracks, but Jackie isn’t ready to take it.
“You’ve been fucking my boyfriend and you don’t know why?”
“You don’t even like him!” Shauna roars, stepping forward and regaining her ground.
“Oh my god? This isn’t about him Shauna, it’s about us. You don’t like him either!” Her sentence reverberates into an awful silence, one that falls to the pit of Jackie’s stomach.
“Do you?” She whispers.
“No, I don’t,” says Shauna, soft in retreat.
“Then tell me why,” Jackie pleads again, “because, honestly, I can’t. I can’t think of another reason. You’ve been sleeping with Jeff and you don’t even like him. Do you just–“
Jackie feels herself shaking. Tears well up again and she takes a steadying breath to keep them from falling.
“Do you just hate me?”
Jackie waits for her to deny it, but it never comes. Shauna looks to her lips, to the now rolling tears, and back down again.
It all happens too fast.
Shauna pulls her forward by her chin, catching her with an arm around her waist. She kisses Jackie’s mouth, partially agape, relentlessly, like she’s hungry for it. Jackie stands in shock- not pulling away, not kissing back.
Shauna doesn’t care. She bites Jackie’s bottom lip and pulls it back. Jackie jolts backwards, but Shauna holds her in place.
Jackie can’t move her body, so she cranes her head up, trying to break free. Shauna takes the opportunity to latch onto her neck. She feels a full body rush with Shauna’s lips on her neck, leaving her weak in the knees. She can’t leave, she can’t fight back.
“You’re right Jackie,” Shauna whispers into her neck, “I fucking hate you.”
“I hate you so fucking much,” she mumbles between kisses. Jackie squirms, weak in Shauna’s hold. Shauna starts to suck on her neck, eager to leave a mark, to make her gasp. Jackie releases a series of breathy little noises and swears she feels Shauna smile into her neck in response.
“You’re an annoying little princess. You think you’re in power, but it’s only because you let everyone do everything for you,” Shauna whispers into her ear, “You’re fucking pathetic.”
“Stop it,” says Jackie weakly.
“And people only like you because you’re pretty. You’d never last a day alone. You need people to watch you, or else you’re just nothing.”
Shauna sinks her teeth into Jackie’s neck, hard. Jackie screams and winces, finding the strength to finally throw her off. She finds her footing and slaps her in the face. The sound rings down the empty street.
“Fuck you, Shauna!” she shouts. Shauna stands in shock, catching her breath, while Jackie storms back down the street towards Van’s.
“Don’t bother looking for me, I’ll find another ride,” she yells out with her back turned. Shauna lets her walk away without another word.
Jackie returns to a ghost of a party- so much good reduced the smell of beer and littered single-use plastics. There’s only a few lingering groups, hushed into small gossiping circles around the house. It’s nearing midnight, which is usually prime time to catch a ride with the curfew crowd, but she might have already missed her mark. She searches for Laura Lee, desperate to be around someone calm and sober. She tries hard not to think about where Jeff is and Shauna isn’t.
She’s a total wreck. She catches stares, a lot of them, but doesn’t engage with anyone while she loops around the first floor. There’s still a bottle of vodka, mostly full, sitting on the kitchen counter. The party’s already dead, she reasons, before lifting it up and taking it with her on her journey. She makes her way to the back porch and holds her breath. As expected, it reeks of weed. There’s only one person out on the deck.
“Hey,” Jackie walks up to Nat, whose eyes are closed as she leans against the wall. She’s smoking the source of Jackie’s least favorite smell. “Have you seen Laura Lee?”
“No I haven’t- Holy shit,” Nat says when she opens her eyes. “What happened to your neck?”
Jackie suddenly reaches up to grab her neck. When she looks down, her palms are covered in blood.
“Shit,” she mutters.
“Did Jeff do that?”
“No,” Jackie says too quickly, “he didn’t.”
Natalie throws her hands up in a little surrender.
“Okay. I won’t ask.”
“It was Shauna,” Jackie blurts out. Natalie looks back at her, eyes wide with curiosity and concern.
“Damn,” Natalie leans in closer, inspecting the wound with her stare, “Was she trying to fucking eat you?”
“I don’t know,” Jackie sighs, “Maybe.”
“Maybe?” Natalie asks with half a laugh, “What’s that supposed to mean?”
Jackie lets it all roll out.
“Shauna’s been sleeping with Jeff this whole time. Tonight I finally decided to call her out on it, and instead of talking about it she tried to kiss me, and then she did,” she flamboyantly gestures towards her neck, “this.”
Natalie takes a long drag and passes the joint.
“I think you need this more than I do,” she gives her a pat on the back.
Jackie holds it up to her lips and inhales, imitating the way she’s watched other people do it before. She takes too much and coughs up violently.
“You’ve never smoked before?”
“Nope,” says Jackie, trying to catch her composure, “but this seems like a good night to start.”
“I can’t argue with that.”
Nat takes back the joint and resumes her place on the wall. Jackie takes the spot next to her, unconsciously mimicking her stance.
“I just don’t understand her,” she says softly, “Nothing she does makes sense.”
“It makes sense to me,” replies Nat.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, well shit- she can’t have you, so she’s fucking Jeff instead. Maybe she’s pretending he’s you.”
Jackie hates the way the idea makes her heart race.
“That’s fucked up,” she mumbles to herself and to Natalie.
“Yeah,” says Natalie gently, “Yeah it is.”
There’s a pause. The backyard of a party was never Jackie’s scene, but the string lights and crickets chirping in the silence start to grow on her tonight.
“So you think Shauna’s a-a…” Jackie trails off.
“A what?” asks Nat. Jackie gives her a pointed look.
“What? A lesbian?”
The word alone constricts her breath. She’s not sure why. She confirms with a slow nod.
“I can’t say anything, but it seems like she likes you. Who knows, though, I mean she’s kissed two girls tonight,” responds Nat, thinking it over.
“Ugh, don’t remind me,” pouts Jackie. The memory of spin the bottle rises back up. Even in the cool, night air, it makes her feel hot under her skin.
Natalie subtly quirks an eyebrow.
“How do you feel about her?”
“I don’t feel like that. I’m not- Shauna’s just my friend,” she blurts out a little too fast, a little too defensive. “Or I thought she was.”
Another long silence.
“I just wish we would talk about it,” she whispers. Nat gives her a hug from the side and Jackie leans into it. “Thanks, Nat.”
“It’s okay,” she says quietly, “Laura Lee’s probably upstairs. A lot of the soccer girls broke off and starting talking in Van’s room.”
“Thank you, really,” says Jackie, heading back for the sliding door.
“Of course, Captain,” Natalie gives her a little salute. “Get home safe.”
Jackie gives her one last smile before jerking the handle. The house has almost entirely cleared and Jackie finds it eerie as she walks up the empty stairway. She’s both high and cross-faded for the first time in her life and she worries she’s going to have to pull open every bedroom door on her search. Luckily, she hears howling laughter from the end of the hall. She staggers over, only a little disoriented, and walks in.
The laughter stops as soon as she enters. She’s aware of the way she must look. Her bloody palm death-grips the stolen vodka bottle. She can feel that a lot of herself has hardened- the dark mascara tracks under her eyes, the blood running down her bruised neck. Her eyes are strained red and dilated. She doesn’t mind the horrified looks. She only spares Lottie one death glare before scanning the room for Laura Lee.
Luckily, Laura Lee is a walking angel. It’s a small group of soccer girls, all juniors and seniors, scattered in a loose circle around Van’s room. As predicted and much needed, Laura Lee is the only one of them calm and sober.
“Hi Jackie!” She’s the first to say, smiling cheerfully, as if Jackie didn’t look like a sick zombie lurking in the doorframe.
“Hey Laura Lee,” she says politely. She feels relaxation return to her for the first time in a while. “I’m sorry to bother you, but do you have the time to drive me home? I’m not far from here.”
“Sure,” says Laura Lee, standing up. “I was going to leave soon anyways. What neighborhood do you live in?”
Jackie pauses for a moment. Suddenly, she has a horrible idea. She’s too intoxicated to stop it.
“I was actually going to stay the night at Shauna’s.”
———
Jackie has only ever had one friend better than Shauna: Deborah Shipman.
“Jackie! Come on in,” she ushers Jackie quickly inside. She clearly notices Jackie’s state but decides it’s not time yet to comment. Jackie’s silently grateful.
“Hello Mrs. Shipman! Thank you,” she steps in and slides off her shoes, gently placing them on the rack. “What are you still doing up?”
“You know I have trouble sleeping until my girls are home,” she replies warmly. Shauna’s an only child. Deb’s kindness makes her feel at home, then it makes her ache.
“Speaking of, where’s Shauna?”
“I wasn’t feeling well so I came home early. I had Laura Lee drive me home. Shauna’s still at the party,” Jackie fibs with a guilty pang. Deb takes it at face value. Her eyes drift to her neck. Jackie tries to divert the attention.
“But I had fun,” Jackie winks, holding up her bottle of vodka. She suddenly notices it’s a lot emptier than when she picked it up. She ignores the thought. “You’re welcome to have any, Mrs. Shipman.”
Deb puts a loving, playful hand on her shoulder.
“Oh, Jackie,” she laughs, “you know I don’t drink that anymore. I don’t know how you crazy teens can stomach it.”
“Clearly, we don’t do it very well,” Jackie gestures to her disheveled state. “Are you going to bed soon? Do you mind if I run the shower?”
“No, go ahead. I’ve got a book I can’t seem to put down. I’ll be downstairs for a while if you need anything.”
“Thank you again,” says Jackie, feeling proud of her ability to wave away Deb’s concern. She walks up the stairs like it’s home and opens the door to Shauna’s room like it’s hers.
She drops the vodka off on Shauna’s cluttered desk and wraps her mini-jacket around the chair, smothering another one of Shauna’s coats. She opens Shauna’s dresser, fourth drawer down, and pulls out her favorite underwear. It’s hers. She has a few good sleep shirts here too, but she reaches for the second drawer to pick out her favorite one. It’s Shauna’s.
Jackie originally plans to take a warm, long shower, but finds that standing becomes increasingly difficult the more tired she gets. She expends most of her energy taking off the ruined remainder of her makeup and hops in for a quick rinse. She gently scrubs off all the blood on her palms, on her neck, but tries not to disturb the forming scab.
She makes her way back to the room, feeling refreshed, and throws her party dress and underwear into Shauna’s hamper (Shauna hates it when Jackie leaves clothes on her floor). She nosedives straight for Shauna’s bed and relaxes onto the blankets. She rolls over on her back, so relieved to be laying down at all that she doesn’t even want to move under the covers. She closes her eyes and relaxes for just a second. Then she hears the door open.
“Jesus–“ Shauna whisper-yells, jumping back and hitting her head against the door frame.
“Deb didn’t tell you I came over?” Jackie laughs and rolls over, looking up at Shauna. Her hair is wet, falling dark around her shoulders. She’s smiling, only in her underwear and Shauna’s band T-shirt. It would all be normal if Shauna’s eyes didn’t linger over the bruising patches on her neck.
“Am I dreaming?” whispers Shauna, swallowing dryly.
“I don’t know, is this usually what you dream about?” Jackie giggles. For some reason, everything happening feels funny.
“Shut up,” Shauna mutters, adding another jacket to the chair’s pile. Jackie stops smiling, realizing too late that she said something mean.
Shauna notices the out of place vodka bottle and pauses.
“Your jacket smells like weed. Were you smoking?”
“Mm-hmm,” Jackie says, sitting up to properly join the conversation, “I coughed it all up. Nat laughed at me,” she starts giggling again.
Shauna cracks a faint smile too but doesn’t say another word. Jackie watches impolitely as Shauna strips out of her red dress and retires into a t-shirt and shorts. This better not be the last time she wears that dress , she bites her lip. She wonders if her staring is inappropriate, but Shauna doesn’t say a word to correct her, so maybe it’s fine. She can’t tell at this point.
When Shauna finishes changing she simply stands in the middle of the room, matching Jackie’s gaze. Shauna’s stare is stern, but calm. She works her jaw while she figures out what to do next.
“You’re wearing my lipstick,” Jackie notices, breaking the tension.
“You left it in my car,” she replies. “I like the color.”
Something about that tugs at her heart. All our stupid games come back around. She knows Shauna so well, then she doesn’t at all. Jackie takes a shallow breath and leans forward on the bed.
“Look Shauna, I’m sorry for tonight, I–“
“I’m not,” Shauna says firmly.
Jackie looks up at her with big, nervous eyes.
“I’m not sorry at all,” Shauna repeats, walking tall up to Jackie. She pushes down on her shoulders and Jackie lets herself fall onto the bed. She slides her knee between Jackie’s legs, earning a sharp gasp.
“Why did you come here tonight?”
“I wanted to talk,” she says between gritted teeth. Shauna pushes Jackie’s hair behind her ear, revealing the healing bite. She stares at it intensely.
“I already told you,” she grinds her knee against Jackie’s center, “I fucking hate you.”
Jackie moans in response.
Shauna thumbs the scab on Jackie’s neck, picking at it gently. Then, she runs her hand slowly up to Jackie’s mouth and presses down light on her bottom lip. She follows every motion with her eyes. Jackie swallows in fear and anticipation.
“Are you going to kiss me back this time?”
“Yes,” says Jackie barely.
Shauna sets the pace, slow but not shy, giving Jackie time to return each kiss just right. So this is what it’s supposed to feel like . Shauna’s hand comes up to comb delicately through Jackie’s damp hair, pushing loose strands behind her ear. The gentle action makes her head spin and whole body feel fuzzy. She holds Shauna’s waist tenderly, gripping just barely onto her T-shirt. They move in sync and let the sounds of their lips fill the room.
Jackie is the first to slip her tongue forward. Shauna doesn’t let her take the lead. She bites lightly down on Jackie’s lower lip, a warning, but Jackie doesn’t back down. Just like that, their kiss becomes fast, violent, all tongue and teeth. Her hands run up to Shauna’s shoulders and she pushes her thigh up between Shauna’s, determined not to lose.
Shauna curls her gentle hand into a fist and pulls Jackie’s hair, making her cry out. She bites again, harshly, holding it down. This time it’s a punishment. Jackie whimpers but retains enough sense not to jerk her head. She’s afraid Shauna might tear her apart.
“I meant everything I said,” whispers Shauna against her lips, “You’re pathetic, Jackie. Just one night without me and you’re a fucking mess- that’s because we both know it: You’re nothing without me.”
Shauna’s hand snakes under her T-Shirt and grabs a breast. It fits perfectly into palm. She squeezes and pulls with little trepidation as if she owns Jackie’s body. Maybe she does. Jackie responds like a puppet, sighing and squirming with every touch.
“Say it, Jackie.”
“What?”
Shauna uses her free hand to trace soft lines on Jackie’s outer thigh. She runs featherlight- up, down, then further in. Jackie holds her breath while Shauna plays with the hem of her underwear, dangerously close.
“Tell me what you are,” growls Shauna.
Shauna’s presses lightly over Jackie’s clothed clit, eliciting a sharp, high pitched sigh. Jackie burns with the humiliation of how quickly Shauna has worked her up. Somehow, it only turns her on more. She understands Shauna’s order.
“I’m nothing without you, Shauna.”
“Again,” demands Shauna, her fingers starting to move in slow, devastating circles. She revels in the way Jackie’s grip on her shoulders clutches and releases, clutches and releases.
“I’m nothing without you, Shauna.”
“That’s right.” Shauna stops, retreating her hands entirely. Jackie whines and rocks her hips up, begging for friction. Shauna has the audacity to laugh. She sits up and Jackie helplessly follows her.
“Take your shirt off.”
“You first,” retaliates Jackie, petulantly crossing her arms. Shauna cracks a genuine smile at her childish behavior.
“You’re literally wearing my shirt,” laughs Shauna, reaching for the hem of it. Jackie can’t argue with that; she helps pull the rest over her head.
Shauna swallows thickly at the sight of Jackie Taylor, almost naked on her bed. She drops her harsh demeanor for just a second to stare. Despite still being fully clothed, she somehow looks more vulnerable than Jackie- like this moment for her is life or death. Jackie lends her a shy, reassuring smile. Shauna’s quick to snap back and take advantage of it.
She shoves Jackie back into the mattress and begins to pepper her collarbone in kisses, steadily making her way downwards. Jackie rolls her hips but Shauna holds her waist down on both sides, preventing any action.
“Not fair,” pouts Jackie, tugging at the sleeves of her shirt, “It’s your turn.”
“I wore the boob dress all night. What else do you want from me?”
Shauna doesn’t actually let her answer. She takes a nipple into her mouth and sucks. Jackie moans, and Shauna can’t get enough of the sound, so she does it again and again.
Jackie wraps one hand in Shauna’s hair, the other again clasping her shoulder, desperate to keep Shauna from sitting up again. Shauna obliges, possessively kissing from one breast to the other, licking and leaving marks on the way.
She pulls down Jackie’s underwear with both her hands and runs a single, slow finger from her entrance up to her clit.
“Fuck, Jackie, you’re wet,” Shauna sighs. “I always thought you were a prude, but it turns out you’re this easy.”
“I’m not–“ Jackie cuts herself off with her own sigh.
“Right. Jeff’s never made you feel like this,” Shauna taunts, slowly teasing her clit, “because you’re nothing without me.”
Jackie can’t even fight back- her head is thrown back, eyes rolling as Shauna tortures her clit in quick, tight circles. She pulls on Shauna’s hair and claws at her back, the only control she can get over the situation. Nothing about it feels fair.
Shauna moves her free hand up to Jackie’s neck, brushing back her hair and admiring all of her work, both painful and possessive.
“I wouldn’t have fucked Jeff tonight if I had known you’d be here waiting on my bed.”
“Fuck you–“ Jackie tries to sit up, but Shauna pushes her back down and pinches her clit. Jackie screams.
“Shut up,” Shauna hisses, shifting her hand to push down on her neck. Her eyes go wide in fear with the new sensation. Shauna once again runs through her folds, picking up Jackie’s wetness and using it to fuck her clit, hard. Jackie starts seeing stars, losing her breath under both pressures. She doesn’t let up until she hears Jackie choke.
Jackie’s so close and she hates herself for it. She uses everything left of herself to regain her breath.
“Nat said you’ve been sleeping with Jeff just so you can pretend that he’s me,” she says between heavy breaths, “You’re so fucked up, Shauna.”
Once again, Jackie has played her last card and lost. Shauna doesn’t slow down, doesn’t react at all.
“I didn’t do it because I was jealous. Not of you or of him.”
They lock eyes. Jackie trembles, she’s something fragile in Shauna’s hands, waiting to be dropped with her next words.
“I did it because I needed to own you–“
Jackie shatters. Her first ever orgasm is loud and Shauna does nothing to stop it from ringing around the room, gently helping bring her back down. They sit and stare for a second, measuring the frozen time by how many times they can count their rib cages move up and down. Jackie’s heart feels like it’s going to beat out of her chest while she watches that vulnerable look return to Shauna’s eyes.
She pulls Shauna in for a horizontal hug and to Jackie’s surprise, she actually lets her. She buries her head in Shauna’s hair, closing her eyes, about ready to whisper sweet nothings–
Shauna shoves two fingers unceremoniously into her cunt. She yelps and jolts upwards, but Shauna traps her under her body weight and keeps her in check with another bite.
“Hey, I’ve never…. You know, before,” she murmurs into her hair, “I can’t do it twice.”
“After all the hell you put me through tonight? We’re not done yet.”
Shauna pulls out and drags upwards, returning to stroke her oversensitive clit. Jackie jerks on command.
“Jesus Jackie, you really never touch yourself?” says Shauna in disbelief.
“You already know that,” Jackie responds shyly, “You know I tell you everything.”
“I just figured you were lying.”
Jackie scoffs incredulously. She’s built enough immunity to the awful things Shauna has said to her tonight that it barely packs a punch.
“I’m not a liar, not like you,” she remarks bitterly. “What else have you been hiding from me?”
Shauna teases her entrance and slips in again, this time with just one finger. Jackie holds her breath.
“Relax, Jackie,” she soothes, and Jackie does her best to. She adds in another and starts steadily moving in and out.
“Answer me,” Jackie pries.
Shauna makes a show of ignoring her, kissing downwards and licking at her sensitive tits. Jackie moans, starting again to arch against the sheets, and Shauna rewards her with a quicker pace. Jackie pulls her hair and tries to reign her back in to no avail. She grabs her chin and lifts Shauna off her chest, forcefully meeting her eyes.
“How was I supposed to tell you, Jackie?”
“Tell me what?”
“That I’ve been dreaming about doing this for the longest time.”
Shauna works in a third finger, ripping an exaggerated sigh from Jackie, who can’t help but roll her head back. Shauna returns to her favorite vampiric kisses, longing to make sure Jackie knows who she belongs to in the morning.
“Tell me more,” presses Jackie, whispered between labored pants. She fidgets with the hem of Shauna’s T-shirt collar. “Tell me everything you’ve been dreaming about.”
“I’ve been dreaming about you, on my bed, or yours- I don’t know, with nothing on, waiting for me, just like tonight…” Shauna uses her thumb to circle her clit. It drives Jackie crazy
“…and I think about kissing you. Sometimes I think about doing it softly, like after a long day of practice, I think about just laying and talking with you.”
Jackie sighs.
“And sometimes I think about fucking you- hard. I-I think about making you bleed, and biting you,” she punctuates with an example and finishes the rest of her sentence buried in Jackie’s neck, “I think about you screaming, and slapping you to shut you up.”
Jackie feels utterly helpless as Shauna curls her fingers, struggling for breath while she writhes against the sheets. She almost feels like she’s going to cry again, overwhelmed by everything around her. Maybe I’m fucked up too. She doesn’t want it to stop.
“Keep going,” begs Jackie. “I need to know everything.”
“I think about you crying, and begging for me,” she continues. Jackie feels herself approaching the edge.
“Please.”
“I think about that- you saying please. I think about how pathetic you are. I think about how I don’t want anyone else to touch you. I think about leaving you a wreck. I think about touching you, everywhere, and destroying your fucking stupid ideas about purity.”
“Shauna, please–“
“I think about you saying my name,” Shauna growls.
“Shauna,” Jackie cries, clawing at Shauna's shirt, the sheets, anything she can grab, rocking desperately back against Shauna’s hands. “Shauna, please, I’m so close.”
“Keep saying it,” Shauna breaths.
“Shauna, Shauna, Shauna, Shauna–“
Jackie cums again. She twitches against Shauna’s fingers and tries to catch her breath. Shauna clears away her sweaty bangs and leaves her a gentle kiss on the forehead. When Jackie finally goes limp she pulls out, rolling over beside her and pulling her in for a hug. She gives her a few more kisses for good measure before Jackie leans feebly into the crook of her neck.
Jackie lets Shauna take care of her. Her hands run through her hair and she pats the back of her head. She feels weak and utterly exhausted. It comes on suddenly- she finds herself bawling again, with loud, sniffling tears, straight into Shauna’s shoulder. Shauna pulls her in tighter and continues to let her cry.
They lay like that for a while, although Jackie doesn’t process the passing time. She empties out every thought in her head with the tears, faintly trembling as Shauna holds her close. If Shauna was really trying to break her, to own her, she was doing too well of a job.
“D-Do you,” Jackie starts, barely audible, “Do you really hate me?”
Shauna takes uncomfortably long to answer. Jackie paws at the back of her shirt, threatening to cry again.
“Yeah,” Shauna whispers, burying her cheek into Jackie’s hair and cradling her head to her chest, “but I love you, too.”
“I love you, too,” she murmurs back.
Jackie tries next to focus on her breathing, determined not to cry again tonight. She counts each breath- in, out, and in again, before she realizes that she can’t tell which are hers and which are Shauna’s. She keeps breathing, though, taking in more of Shauna’s scent with every inhale. It makes her feel at home. She begins to relax. Finally, she starts to fall asleep, not sure where she ends and Shauna begins.