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The first time Hoseok experienced heartbreak, it felt like this heavy stone hanging above his head for a long time before the rope finally snapped. The crushing sadness was overwhelming in ways he never experienced before. He rationalized that it was because he’s always been a happy child and even as a teenager he wasn’t particularly angsty. He had friends and he loved dancing — that’s all he needed in his life to be content.
His life got gradually more stressful once he started going to a university in Seoul and tried to make dancing his job. It made sense because his parents always told him that he should do what he liked best and then he wouldn’t have to work ever. In theory that was great advice, but practically speaking, dancing is way more competitive than some might realize. His life and his days started revolving around practicing, bettering himself, and creating choreographies. Most days he woke up at 4 a.m. to practice then went to classes from 8 to 5 and then had a brief dinner before going to an evening practice.
He was beyond exhausted and sore but most of all, he’s never felt lonelier. He had no time to travel back home to visit his parents and he didn’t have time to see Jimin either even though their universities weren't all that far away from each other’s. One day they ran into each other by accident and Hoseok wanted nothing more than to lean his head on Jimin’s shoulder and cry, telling him how much he was struggling, but Jimin was so happy during that time. He was so excited about this boy that he shared dorms with. It was really adorable how hard he was crushing on him and Hoseok didn't have the heart to bring the mood down by whining about how miserable he was, so he just didn’t say anything.
He met Min Yoongi not long after that. It was the middle of the night and Hoseok was just finishing his practice and Yoongi was going back to his studio with a cup of coffee. They collided with each other, both of them too exhausted to notice the other, and that’s how it started. They stared at each other, startled and coffee-soaked, apologizing to each other profusely.
It didn’t take long for them to become friends and it took even less for Hoseok to see that Yoongi, despite loving music as much as Hoseok loves dancing, was struggling and incredibly lonely. Hoseok didn’t mean to start anything with him. He was content with having someone he could talk to each day after practice. Someone who understood him and sympathized with him. Yoongi was a very comforting person, however, and Hoseok got too comfortable in his presence.
When Yoongi’s hands started to wander on his body in the darkness of his studio, it felt too good and Hoseok let him keep going until they were both sweaty and naked on his couch. Then Hoseok let it happen over and over again because the only time he felt alive was when Yoongi was kissing the back of his neck and his hands were pulling the hem of his shirt. They weren’t boyfriends and Hoseok wasn’t in love with Yoongi.
For lack of a better word, they were friends with benefits even though that term felt ridiculous after a while. The way they connected, the way they touched and kissed — it felt like what they were doing was more than just benefits. Each time they were near each other, Hoseok could swear that he knew the exact moment Yoongi’s body started yearning for him, and Hoseok always answered. Maybe it’s no wonder that even though Hoseok didn’t want to start anything with Yoongi, he ended up falling in love with him anyway.
It took him a while to realize that they were a bad match after all. On top of everything else, Yoongi was battling with his depression and everything started to get a little messy between them. They both needed each other in ways that didn’t feel healthy anymore. Somedays Hoseok woke up, knowing that he wouldn’t see Yoongi that day and his chest hurt so much that he feared his heart might give out.
Without notice, Yoongi became the air that his lungs needed. He was Hoseok’s first and last thought every day, and Hoseok felt trapped and scared. His whole world was Yoongi and that was never supposed to happen. Their dependency on each other was like an infected wound on Hoseok’s side, festering and throbbing with pain.
The comfort that once Yoongi provided him became something suffocating. Yoongi kept pulling and Hoseok started pushing away, and for the last time, they collided with each other. After a year of them being friends with benefits, they stopped being friends altogether.
Hoseok was a bigger mess than he was at the start of the year, so he fell back into his old days of only living for dancing. However, when he curled up on his dorm bed, knees pulled to his chest, the thought that he never had the chance to tell Yoongi that he loved him haunted him.
It’s been two years since Hoseok graduated and one year since Yoongi did. Hoseok works as a backup dancer for a few different K-pop groups, goes on tour with them, and travels a lot. He finally has a life that he enjoys. He is happy and content as much as he possibly could be, so he doesn’t expect Yoongi to show up drunk in front of his house one night.
Yoongi clutches at his wrist as though he’s scared that Hoseok will just close the door in his face. His eyes are a little wet and his breath smells like a mix of smoke, soju, and beer. Something snaps in Hoseok’s chest that makes him step out into the chilly summer night and sit down on the stairs with Yoongi. It’s barely big enough for them, their shoulders and elbows touch involuntarily.
“How did you know where I live?” Hoseok asks, his voice quiet and his eyes on the pavement in front of him. He’s scared of looking at Yoongi. Scared of seeing the implications in the older’s eyes. The implications of why he’s here. He doesn’t want to know, not really.
“Your best friend is dating my childhood best friend,” Yoongi explains. His eyes are on Hoseok and Hoseok can feel them moving across his features as though Yoongi is trying to get acquainted with his face again.
“I thought you went back to Daegu after graduation,” Hoseok adds. That was always Yoongi’s plan. He mentioned it over and over again. It’s strange to see him in Seoul again.
“I’m just… visiting,” Yoongi says, his voice becoming distant and wobbly, and Hoseok can’t stop himself from making eye contact with him. “I sneaked off and I… could only think about finding you.”
Hoseok’s eyes sting as he takes in Yoong’s face. He looks a bit older now and— So, so beautiful. He used to have short hair with an undercut, but now his hair is long, framing his face so perfectly. No drunk person should look like this.
“Why did you want to find me?” is the next thing he asks. All Hoseok can do is ask questions: just why, why, why, why are you here? It’s breaking his heart to be this close to him because it reminds him of every single little thing that he felt for Yoongi. It’s not like he fully forgot what it felt like to be with Yoongi or how it felt to love him. Those feelings never truly vanished; they linger.
Yoongi’s hand wraps around Hoseok’s biceps. The desperation is palpable in the air between them, it’s so thick that it’s a surprise neither of them is choking yet.
“Are you happy, Hoseok-ah?” Yoongi whispers as though he almost doesn’t want Hoseok to hear his question. As though he’s afraid of the answer even before it leaves Hoseok’s lips.
“I am,” Hoseok replies but the corner of his lips that are curling downward tells a different tale. He can’t help it though, because Yoongi’s head dips forward, a quiet sob breaks its way out of his throat and his hand grips his biceps harder. Yoongi wobbles before his forehead meets Hoseok’s shoulder.
“Why aren’t you as miserable as I am?” Yoongi cries, his tears staining Hoseok’s shirt. “Why don’t you miss me like I miss you?”
It’s a cruel thing to ask. Hoseok is happy but his heart has a permanent hole that’s shaped like Yoongi. It hurts like hell and it never heals; Hoseok merely learned to live with it. He misses Yoongi so much and he sees him in every little thing. He can’t even get himself to go on real dates because everything inside him has been stained by Yoongi.
How is he meant to explain all this to a drunk person? He doubts Yoongi will remember this anyway.
“You know you were my first time,” Hoseok says instead, his voice shaking and holding so much sadness. Yoongi lifts his head just enough so that their eyes can meet.
Yoongi sniffles. “Was I? You never told me.”
A teardrop streams down Hoseok’s cheek as he gives Yoongi a sad smile. He doesn’t want to say all the little things. He just hopes that Yoongi gets it. That he understands that Hoseok compares every other man to Yoongi. He can’t go without thinking that Yoongi used to touch and kiss him better. It’s all unintentional and he can’t make it stop. Some days he regrets that Yoongi was his first because it’s just another way to haunt him. Some days he wishes he could just erase Yoongi from his mind.
“Hyung, you were everything to me,” Hoseok confesses because he can’t find it in himself to admit to loving him. What would be the point? Yoongi might not remember and Hoseok will soon go on an eight month-long tour with a girl band. Even if they loved each ot—
“I loved you,” Yoongi admits without any fear. Then he adds, “I still love you so much, Seok-ah.”
Hoseok grits his teeth, his hand curling into a fist so tightly that it shakes. He can only hold himself back for a second or two before his resolve breaks and pulls Yoongi in by his nape. Their lips meet and their tears mix as they kiss. They are all desperate hands, clutching at each other, pulling closer and closer, and needy lips trying to remember the shape of each other’s lips. Hoseok swallows every sound that Yoongi makes and in exchange, Yoongi runs his hand through Hoseok’s hair just the way he used to do it whenever they were making out.
Hoseok can no longer tell whether he’s crying because he’s sad or because he’s so relieved at the sense of comfort that envelops him again. This type of comfort doesn’t exist anywhere other than Yoongi’s arms and Hoseok wants to live in this moment forever. Even though they are both crying, this is the happiest he has ever been in a long time — this is what true happiness feels like. Dancing and performing has never made him feel aa good as Yoongi did.
Hoseok pulls back when a car parks right in front of them. It takes him a second to realize that it’s a taxi and it’s Jimin’s boyfriend, Jungkook jumping out of the car with a frenzied expression on his face.
“Holy shit, I’m so, so sorry about this,” Jungkook winces, trying to pull Yoongi away from Hoseok. “I promised that I would keep an eye on him and… I’m so sorry, Hoseok-hyung.”
Yoongi tries to resist but Jungkook is much stronger than him, so Hoseok just watches and lets him take Yoongi away from him again. His heart aches as he wipes the tears from his eyes.
“It’s okay, Kook-ah. Take care of him,” Hoseok says just loud enough for the youngest to hear. He can’t bear to watch the whole scene in front of him unfold, so Hoseok averts his eyes and plugs his ears. Still, Yoongi’s pleading is unmistakable (“Please–don’t, I love him”) and so is Jungkook’s reassurance (“I know, let’s go, hyung”).
Eventually, Hoseok unplugs his ears once the taxi disappears from his driveway, but he doesn’t move a centimeter. His body feels too heavy. His heart is even heavier. His mouth tingles with the taste of Yoongi and he doesn’t know what to do with himself.
Yoongi’s words echo inside his mind: I still love you so much, Seok-ah.
He lifts his eyes to the sky and only the moon and stars get to witness the fresh tears wetting his skin. Pressing a shaky hand over his mouth, Hoseok wishes that they had better luck meeting each other.
Meeting in college wasn't the right time.
Meeting now when Yoongi is drunk and Hoseok is about to leave Korea for almost a year is wrong too.
Hoseok wishes they could meet at a perfect time, wishes that he could tell Yoongi just how much he’s always loved him, and wishes that they could be each other’s comfort once more. Just as he makes that wish a star falls from the sky.