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Loneliness is weird. It can creep up on you in the most crowded place, or disappear completely at the thought of one person. It can be all-consuming or a constant in the background of a thousand other more pressing problems.
You can feel lonely even lying next to the love of your life.
Juno Steel would know about that, waking up from a nightmare, gasping for breath in the shadows of some corner of a cargo ship. Nightmares had been a recurring thing since Nureyev and he had jumped into a ship dragging Slip’s medical chamber with them. They were now on their way to Dokana’s headquarters, located just at the border of what was known by humanity.
Their race to find some near-miraculous cure for Slip had taken Nureyev and Juno to the edges of the galaxy. Juno took deep breaths and willed himself to calm down. It made no sense to be scared of something that was only in his head when there were so many real things that he had to worry about.
Rita and the Ruby were following them slowly to avoid being detected, which gave time for Juno and Nureyev to try once again to do the impossible, bring Slip Jackson back. Juno wasn’t expecting things to be easy once they reached Dokana’s HQ. They would be entering the lion’s den.
Getting there without being noticed hadn’t been easy either, thought Juno, especially with Nureyev not talking to him. Of course, they exchanged a few words and planned different strategies to avoid being discovered and to get enough food and water. They were a good team.
But Nureyev refused to talk.
Whenever Juno would try to, the thief would retreat to the storage room where they had hidden Slip. After the tenth time trying, Juno had given up. They would only see each other at “meal times” and, while they slept in the same forgotten corner of the cargo ship, Juno always woke up after Nureyev had left in the morning.
So… nightmares were not on the top five list of things bothering Juno right now. His body would not agree, unfortunately, with the way his heart kept hammering in his chest. Juno consciously relaxed his shoulders and breathed softly.
He curled on his side and tried to go back to sleep but as he was closing his eyes he felt Nureyev move behind him. He heard the thief’s clothes rustling softly as if he was sitting up.
Juno could feel Nureyev’s eyes glued to his back and felt a punch of loneliness hit him right in the gut. He missed the laughs, the bickering… even Nureyev’s awful cooking. He wondered if they would ever be like that again and felt like a child for such a senseless wish.
At that moment, tentative, slowly, Nureyev reached towards Juno in the darkness. A soft delicate caress over the detective’s cheek. Juno let out a trembling sigh. He felt his skin tingling.
Then there was more rustling as Nureyev settled close to Juno, breathing small puffs of air against the detective’s neck. Gradually, the thief lifted his arm until he was hugging Juno from behind, plastering himself to Juno’s back and hiding his face in curly hair.
Juno had been feeling untethered the whole trip aboard the cargo ship. It had been strange, being so close to Nureyev and yet so far. This, being together, felt so comfortable in comparison. Like the weight of a blaster on his hand, or the feeling of his coat on his shoulders.
“Reyev?” murmured Juno and there was a gasp from the thief. But instead of leaving he just clung tighter to the detective. It was so familiar, just like how they used to cuddle in the Carte Blanche, that Juno had to fight back tears. “Hey, you okay?”
“No,” answered Nureyev, his voice hoarse and broken. “No, I’m so sorry Juno. I’m sorry, I—”
Peter Nureyev cried as he loved, passionately, truthfully, and trying unsuccessfully to contain a thousand secrets.
It broke Juno’s heart, to hear him crying softly, so tired and defeated. “I love you,” he whispered, but Nureyev’s cries only intensified. Juno didn’t know what to say, his mind sluggish and his chest still tight from the nightmare, so he just turned around and cradled the man he loved in his arms.
They fell asleep like that, clung to one another like castaways in an asteroid storm.
Juno woke up the next day to an empty space beside him, but there was a little paper lying where Nureyev was last night. A doodle of a Martian rabbit. Juno smiled at it and dared to hope.
That day, they arrived at Dokana’s headquarters and it all went downhill.
Days later, as they ran to escape the facilities and reach the Ruby 7, Juno would have loved to focus on the things that they had achieved. They might not have found a cure or treatment for Slip, but they had managed to make a real negative impact on the Dokana’s group. But no little victory could shine next to the impending doom of the reality that there was no solution for Slip’s situation. No distraction for the upcoming storm, or from what accepting that would entail for Nureyev.
You’re not a very optimistic lady, huh? But you’re stubborn. No wonder Petya likes you.
There was also that. The nightmares that had plagued Juno since they got in the cargo ship had turned into headaches that lasted all day long. And eventually, into a voice. He would have feared he was losing his mind, but the sensation that came with the voice was familiar. He had felt it in an ancient Martian tomb and with the Ruby 7. Slip Jackson was talking to him. But barely.
He had tried to tell Nureyev but Slip had asked him not to. The voice was faint most of the time, but sometimes it was insistent.
Don’t tell Petya, not now. He will try to do more and Juno, I want to rest. I really do. I never asked for this. You tried already and put your lives at risk for this. It’s time to let go.
Juno had answered that they needed to tell Nureyev, but between the blaster fire and the general life-endangering situations it had been difficult to have time for it. He needs to know, Slip.
But Slip hadn’t thought so. He won’t believe you if I don’t give you the answers to the questions he will ask. He needs to move on, Juno. He deserves to have a life. And I deserve to rest.
He also deserves to say goodbye, had answered Juno and Slip hadn’t had a good answer for that one. That had been their last conversation before they all had to run away from Dokana’s headquarters. The whole spacecraft was collapsing.
“Juno! Through here, quickly!” directed Nureyev as he opened a door that led to the escape pods.
Juno had finished pushing Slip’s medical chamber inside when an explosion rocked the entire spacecraft. Ceiling tiles fell off on top of them and Juno tumbled to the floor. The door shut automatically, leaving Juno behind.
Juno got up, dizzy from the fall and with his ears ringing, to see Nureyev frantically hitting the little window of the door that separated them. “Reyev?”
“Juno! You’re okay! Thank goodness! Come on, press the green button on the right upper corner of the panel, love. It should open this door.”
“Okay”. Juno dragged himself to the panel and pushed the button.
Nothing.
“Have you pressed it?”
“Yeah, hang on, I’ll try again.”
Nothing.
“Try going to the main menu and look at the options.”
Juno got a bad feeling about this but tried anyway. “Ehm… I think I can open the airlock from here, the one that opens up to the escape pod area”.
“Yes, but Juno, what about this door?”
Juno stared at the screen blinking red over the button that would reunite him with Nureyev. No luck. He sighed. “Well, it seems like we have a bad habit of ending in this kind of situation, huh?”
Nureyev punched the little window again. “No...”
“Hey, it’s fine. I got the suit, I can make it out there for a few minutes, same as you. I’ll just find another way to get to the Ruby.”
“No, Juno. Please. Just… There must be something we can do. Shoot the lock!”
Juno didn’t remember the last time he had heard Nureyev sound so scared. He hated it. “I can’t shoot the lock, Reyev. It’s just gonna mess up with the other airlock and then you could be trapped in there, I’m not gonna risk that.”
“Please, don’t go, Juno.”
“It’s gonna be fine.” But Nureyev wasn’t looking at him. The thief was panicking, his face a mask of despair. “Hey, Nureyev. Listen to me.”
“Juno…”
“Listen to me. I’ll be alright, okay babe? I swear. You trust me right?”
“Of course, I trust you, Juno, don’t be an idiot.”
“Then—”
“And I love you.”
Juno paused at that. He hadn’t heard those words from Nureyev in months. And there was nothing that could make him feel braver at that moment. He smiled. “Right back at you.”
He put his hand on the window and Nureyev did the same. Juno looked at the shining eyes of Peter Nureyev and swore to himself that this would not be the last time he saw them.
But then, of course, nothing is ever that easy.
Another blast, bigger this time, brought both of them to the floor. When Juno got up, he saw how, to his growing horror, the escape pod area was exploding bit by bit. Through the little windows at both sides of the section where Nureyev and Slip lay, Juno saw how a fire spread towards them. Now he wasn’t the one trapped. It was them.
“Nureyev!”
“Juno, what—”
“You need to get out of there. The escape pod area is on fire.”
Nureyev looked behind him and chuckled. “Juno, leave.”
“Oh, shut up!” Juno started fumbling with the panel, insisting on the button in the right upper corner.
A text box appeared.
[You cannot open this airlock door.]
“Yeah, I noticed thanks.”
[You cannot open this airlock door.]
“But why? Why not this one?!”
[You cannot open this airlock door because only one person at a time can enter this spacecraft following the proper decontamination protocol.]
“What.”
[There are currently two (2) people in the decontamination area. Please proceed one by one.]
Another rumbling, much closer. Juno clung to the panel to keep himself upright and saw how the last bridge linking the escape pod area to the decontamination section went up in flames and dislodged itself entirely from the spacecraft. Now, outside the little window opposite Juno, there was no longer an escape route but the void of space. The whole place was breaking down and Juno needed to think, think, think—
What’s going on, Juno?
Not a good time, Slip.
Oh. I see. I’m sorry Juno, but you know what you need to do.
You don’t understand. He'll never forgive me.
I hope you’re wrong.
Juno stared at the panel. He could open the other airlock, he just needed to convince Nureyev to hold on to a handle. But he didn’t want to do it. Slip had asked to rest, but what kind of rest was dying frozen and alone?
It’ll be better than living in pain.
“Juno… Juno! You need to leave.”
“I can save you,” Juno said, his voice trembling.
“What? Did you figure out how to—”
“I can only save you, Nureyev.” Juno said the words and felt, somewhere deep within him, that this could be the way he finally lost Nureyev. But with that pain came the certainty that he would do anything to save that man. “Only one person needs to be in that section so that I can open this door. And I can open that door from here. It’s our only chance, the other panel is fried from the blast.”
“No,” whispered the thief. “We’re still moving at high speed, Slip’s medical chamber will be dragged—”
“I’m sorry. I really am, but listen to me, you need to grab a handle okay? We don’t have much time.”
“No,” Nureyev got away from Juno as if the door between them burned. “You don’t understand, I can’t.”
“You don’t have to do anything, ‘Reyev. Just grab a handle and look at me, alright?”
“I won’t.” His voice hardened. “Don’t do this, Juno. You can’t.”
“Come on, Reyev, please. I can’t let you die. I won’t.”
Nureyev just shook his head and stared at the floor. “I can’t.”
“Please. Slip would want you to live.”
Which was the wrong thing to say, because that changed something in Nureyev. “Do not tell me what he would have wanted. Do not dare,” he said with every syllable dripping with venom. “You didn’t know him.”
Please, Juno.
There wasn’t more time for debates because a large piece of debris hit them, sending the whole section swinging.
It was a twelve-second window of time. Juno didn’t know that. He just saw his chance when the swing brought Slip’s medical chamber towards the door leading to space faster than Nureyev’s flailing body, and so he opened the airlock. As soon as Slip’s medical chamber was out he pressed a button again and the airlock closed, Nureyev inside. The ship righted itself.
Juno didn’t know what was worse, feeling his link with Slip grow quieter and quieter, or listening to Nureyev's labored breathing.
“I told you months ago that I wouldn’t forgive you, Juno. How—”
The button in the right upper corner turned green, unblocked. Juno pressed it and the decontamination area filled with red light. He kept his eyes on the panel.
Orange. Candle. Snow… Juno, tell him…
Slip, I’m… Fuck, I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I’m sorry…
Don’t be. Thank you.
Then silence. Slip had only occupied a space in his brain for a few days but Juno could feel the absence to his core. He felt nauseous. Juno finally dared to look at Nureyev and what he saw made him gasp. Nothing good. A brief flash of hatred and then…
Juno would later think that he would have preferred to see Nureyev angry. Even sad or desperate. At that moment, all Juno thought was that he may have as well killed Peter Nureyev with how hollow the thief’s face looked.
The decontamination process was over in seconds and the door between them opened with a soft whoosh. Peter Nureyev left the room with a stoic face.
“Reyev?” tried Juno, but he was met with indifference.
The thief only walked, determined, back from where they had initially come from. He avoided the fallen tiles and eventually corpses of some executives without any ounce of hesitation. Juno followed.
“If the communication bridge has not been destroyed yet we might be able to contact Rita and let her know how to reach us. The probability is not high but we might as well try.”
Juno didn’t argue with the plan. He pushed through the growing chasm in his chest to focus on surviving. Whatever came later, they needed to be alive to do it.
They reached the Ruby 7 alive, barely, but they did.
Rita was a blur of excitement.
“Come on in, come on in! Oh, Mistah Ransom I haven’t seen you in sooo long, I missed ya! Oh should I call you Mistah Ransom? Mistah Steel come on, hurry up! Wait, where’s—”
Nureyev got into the backseat of the Ruby 7 wordlessly. Rita looked at Juno, confused. “Boss?”
Juno just shook his head at Rita, his eyes somber, and got into the front seat next to her. Her face broke in a way Juno hated. Rita shouldn’t have to look that way. It was all so wrong.
But the Dokana HQ kept falling apart around them, and so the Ruby chirped and took them away from danger.
The ride to the nearest planet was silent. It took a couple of hours but they felt never-ending. Juno tried to see with the rearview mirror if Nureyev was okay and all he got was a blank stare.
Eventually, they arrived at an empty parking lot in a forgotten moon. For a second, no one moved.
“I believe this is my stop. Thank you, Rita. Thank you, Ruby. Truthfully. Good-bye.”
“What?! But Mistah Ran— Mistah Nureyev you can't just—”
“Let him go, Rita,” said Juno, his voice hoarse.
“But—”
Juno just hanged his head.
“Juno, a word?” asked Nureyev as he left the car.
Juno’s heart jumped. He struggled with his seatbelt and bolted out of the car.
Nureyev was waiting for him a few meters away from the Ruby 7, with his shoulders tense. Juno approached breathlessly, step by careful step.
Juno stopped a couple of feet away from Nureyev and waited. He saw the thief draw a deep breath and braced for the mean words that would surely pour out of Nureyev's mouth. Juno was intimately aware of how mean grief could make you.
But there were no insults. No screaming. No derision.
There was only a gasp and a single tear falling down Nureyev's cheek. It was glacial, the way his facade broke down while the tear made its way down his face, leaving only pain and fear.
Juno couldn't bear it and quickly crossed the distance between them. His eyes widened when Nureyev caressed his face and kissed him. It was… like nothing else.
Just like Peter Nureyev.
And yet after a year of “good morning” kisses and “come to bed” kisses and “you're so weird I love you” kisses… Juno couldn't help but cry at what this kiss meant. Because only a goodbye kiss could taste so bittersweet.
Desperate to remember as much as possible of his thief, Juno broke the kiss and gathered Nureyev into his arms. He held him close and committed to memory the way those arms felt around him, Nureyev's smell, and the way the air moved around the thief.
Nureyev accepted the hug willingly, pushing his face into Juno's hair. Perhaps, doing the same.
“I’m sorry, Reyev,” murmured Juno. “I love you so much”.
But Nureyev shushed him, his chin on top of Juno's head. “I understand, Juno. I love you too”.
“... But that's not enough, isn't it,” Juno said. “It's not enough to forgive me.”
Nureyev clung to Juno tighter but answered “I don't know if I can. I don't know if I ever will.”
They stood there, each contemplating their own Armageddon. Each trying to gather strength to survive once again in that big mean world.
Neither of them could remember who let go first, but someone did and they broke apart.
Juno closed his eyes and heard Nureyev walk away. He tried to memorize the sound of those heels. And then he remembered.
“Wait! Orange.” Nureyev paused. Juno continued. “Orange. Candle. Snow. What does that mean?”
Nureyev sighed… and kept walking.
Only Juno came back to the Ruby 7.
“Boss? What happened?” asked Rita, worriedly looking at Juno.
Juno answered with a flickering smile. “We saved him, Rita. That will have to be en- enough.” His voice broke and Rita grabbed his hand in support.
“Where should we go now, Mistah Steel?”
“I… was thinking it was time to maybe go back to Hyperion. What do you say? I'm not going anywhere without you until you get tired of me.”
“Oh, Boss, come here.” Rita hugged him.
“So… what do you think about Hyperion?”
“Yeah… I like that idea, Boss. It's time to go home.”
“Hyperion City… Some people say it's the most beautiful place in the galaxy. Yeah, no, they actually say it, Ben! Can you believe that?! Guess it shows the grass is always greener on the other side.” Juno talked while he cleaned away the sand that had accumulated over Benzaiten Steel's gravestone. “There was this bartender in one of Jupiter’ moons who swore that their dream was to visit Hyperion. Had a picture of the skyline glued to the bar and everything…”
He took a break to bring out from his bag the paper ballerinas Rita had made for his twin. “These are from Rita. Don't feel too special though, she gave me one too. What was I saying? Yeah, right. Hyperion. It changed a lot after what Ramses did to it, sure, but the thing is that… it kept changing. It has certainly changed a lot in the year since Rita and I came back. There's no Oldtown but… It still feels like home, you know? The neon lights and the floating mansions… the colors of the sunrise… They're all still here.”
Juno sat next to Ben's grave. “I wished you were here with me right now. This sunrise is kinda great… Only you would make me wake up this early! It should be a crime. I'm gonna need a coffee later… Rita has arranged some sort of surprise birthday party that's definitely not a surprise. Buddy and Vespa are gonna come… I—” He sighed. “I’ll try to put on a brave face.”
Juno winced. “Don't get me wrong. It’ll be great to see them. It's just that I miss you, Benten. Always will… I’ll probably always miss him too, you know. And it’s always more difficult on this day.”
The detective let his fingers play with the sim-grass. The sky changed as the sun rose higher and higher, painting everything pink. “I still miss him, Benten. I'm doing my best to move on and… I do feel like I'm doing better now. But I miss him. Most days are okay but some days… sometimes I can feel his absence down to my bones.”
Juno sighed again and stood up. “But I shouldn't bother you with this mess on your birthday. Happy Birthday, Ben. Love you”.
Juno Steel, private eye, left Hyperion's cemetery and got into his car. He drove past the industrial area and past the Iris building with its bulging spire. Around him, the city was slowly waking up, weary eyed and grumbling. He could see people setting up their carts to sell fried crickets and spicy beetles. The smog shone purple as it settled over all of them.
He parked his car outside his appartment building and went up the stairs, his boots heavy and loud against the floor. Rita had asked him to take the day off, which his answer machine reminded him off.
“The office has been doing well, Boss! You can take a day off! Oh! Also you need to take care of Small Fry the Second cause I’ll be BUSY planning the party so don’t forget to feed her! See yaaaaaah”
Juno grumbled as he took off his coat and sat on the couch. Well, the office had been doing well. That was true. There was always some trouble in Hyperion a PI could help with.
His comms beeped. He went to check if it was another client when the sound of someone hopping distracted him.
“There you are, Small Fry! Did you finish your squid chips?”
“Grrghhrgh.”
“Good. Wanna watch a stream?”
“Grrgh!”
Small Fry the Second jumped on the couch next to Juno and rested her heavy head on the armrest. Juno scratched behind her ear and chuckled.
Adopting a rabbit had first sounded like a horrible idea, but there were so few of them after Oldtown’s destruction that… well. Here they were now.
He put on a stream and tried to relax.
Another beep from his comms. “Oh, right.”
[A new text message from: Unknown Number]
Juno frowned and opened the text. He almost let it slip between his fingers at the sight of the words.
[Unknown: Orange. Candle. Snow.]
[Unknown: You asked me what it meant… Would you still like to know?]
Juno fumbled with his comms and shakily wrote back.
[Steel: Sure. Is this really you?]
[Unknown: They are code words. I whispered them to Slip for years, not knowing if he could listen.]
Juno sighed. He had guessed as much but reading the confirmation made him feel something funny in his chest.
[Unknown: I assume it was the martian elements in your bloodstream that allowed you to know that.]
Juno started to write his own confirmation but another text arrived before he could send his own.
[Unknown: And I suspect there's a story behind all this, as it often is with you.]
[Unknown: But perhaps this is not a conversation that we should have through our comms. Would you agree to a meeting in person, perhaps? I understand if that's not the case.]
Juno felt goosebumps as he was filled with one of the most dangerous things in this galaxy: hope. But he had faced scary things before and this was worth it.
[Steel: Yeah, yeah I'd like that. Where are you? I could probably take a ship off the planet in a couple of days.]
[Unknown: There's no need, detective. I was invited to a party in Hyperion, coincidentally. The host was very insistent.]
Juno gasped. “What the hell? Rita—.”
[Unknown: But perhaps we should talk sooner… You've always looked lovely in that shade of purple, you know?]
Juno looked down at his purple metallic-knit sweater. “How–?” He looked up and it was him.
Peter Nureyev.
There, casually sitting on his windowsill… so graceful, so light, so familiar.
He looked tired, but calmer… A nervous smile flickered across his face, showing a little bit of his sharp teeth. The soft light of the early morning softened his edges. Juno felt his chest was going to burst.
“Reyev?” he breathed.
The thief jumped inside, agile as a fox.
His smile grew wider.
“Hello, Juno. It's been a while”.