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Blaine stayed in the choir room after glee practice. Everyone was so excited by the return of the one Finn Hudson to notice he hadn’t exited in the chatting clump of human bodies. With one hand, Blaine tinkled away at the piano keyboard. He didn’t get to use it much during glee. Brad had a very don’t-even-think-about-touching-my-piano-you-hooligans presence. Blaine wasn’t even trying to play something. He just didn’t want to go home. He’d be just as alone there.
The notes turned into something unwarranted and uneven melody. He could hear the words that went along with it— ‘my missing puzzle piece.’ Each new strike of a key was like a piercing knife in his psyche, but he could stop playing.
A quiet “Hey” interrupted him, causing him to jerk his hand away from the keyboard with a clang of meshing noise. He had been caught in his perdition.
“Rachel,” he gasped, “What’re you doing here?”
“I came to talk to Finn,” she said. Her shoes clanked distinctly on the tile floor as she approached.
“Is –?” He didn’t have enough breath to finish.
“No, Kurt’s still in New York,” she said.
“Right,” Blaine said, titling his chin in to his chest so all he could see where his fingers knotting together in his lap. “Right.”
“He gave me a message for you though.”
Blaine jerked his head up so fast he would be surprised if he didn’t end up with whiplash. Rachel was standing just a few feet back from where he sat on the piano bench. She looked wonderful, like she had in New York – stylish, beautiful, confident. Like Kurt had. Blaine’s guts squirmed uncomfortably. He’d barely been able to eat this past day. Rachel and Kurt hard carved out a niche for themselves in Lima, in McKinley, but it was never were they belonged. Like flowers planted in the wrong conditions, they had struggled to grown and bloom. But in New York, the two of them had all the sunlight they needed. It was why Blaine sent Kurt away, after all. He’d rather see the boy he loved thrive faraway than stagnate nearby.
“He needs time,” Rachel was saying, “And space. And he’s not sure how he’s feeling, but he definitely wants you to… stop contacting him for the time being.”
It wasn’t the worst message Blaine could have received, but it still felt a bit like swallowing lava and his insides being burned out. Not being able to be with Kurt, talk with Kurt, was what got him this desperate in the first place.
Blaine nodded, and it was incredibly jerky. He barely felt control over his own body and limbs. He heard Rachel’s shoes on the floor – she was moving closer.
“I suppose you want to chastise me now?” he said, resigned. He deserved it, after all. Not sure he could take it, but deserved it.
“No,” Rachel said. “Yes, I’m a lot closer to Kurt and yes, I am upset with you and can’t believe you did that, but you’re my friend too.” She sat down next to him on the piano bench, and as piano benches weren’t by their very nature large, she ended up right next to him, arm against arm. It was odd, almost, feeling the warmth of her body on his, even in this most perfunctory manner. He wasn’t sure if it was other people avoiding him or him avoiding other people, but he hadn’t been in much physical contact with people lately.
“I cheated on Finn once,” Rachel said quite plainly, a stating of a fact. “I found out he had slept with Santana when we were broken up, and he lied to me about it. I had thought that would be something we would share together, our first times. I was so mad I made out with Puck.” She nudged Blaine’s shoulder with hers like trying to get him in on some joke. Trying to get him to laugh.
“I’m not sure if it would’ve gone farther than making out. Puck ended up the one feeling guilty and stopping us. I’m not sure what I was ready to do, but I felt hurt and… vindictive. In a way, I wanted to hurt Finn, the way I felt hurt that he had lost his virginity to another woman.”
“The fact that I hurt Kurt is the worst part,” Blaine said. It was one thing he was sure about. “I’m not sure why I did it, but it wasn’t to hurt him. Never that.”
“That already makes you a person that me.” Rachel was grinning at him.
“Rachel,” he said. “I – why are you—?”
“Because I’ve been there. I know what it’s like to lose the person you love over a stupid mistake. And knowing you, I know that you wouldn’t have cheated on Kurt if you weren’t in a bad place. You wouldn’t have cheated on him like I did on Finn. You’re a much nicer person than me.”
“I think you’re a nice person,” Blaine said quickly, reactively, but honestly.
Rachel grinned at him again, and he sometimes forgot that they were friends in their own right, not just for sharing Kurt. “Of course you do, you took me out on a date even though you’re gay.”
Blaine let out a little chuckle. “Yeah, well.” He shrugged.
She stared across the choir room now, into the floating dust and emptiness, at nothing, maybe, or everything. “I used to be a very selfish person,” she said, and that’s all she said, but somehow it was weighed down with a lot of things – memories, regrets, secrets. Blaine knew how that was, the layers of meaning that could be hidden little things. Little actions, little words, and little moments when nothing is done or said.
“I don’t know what is going to happen between you and Kurt. I don’t want to give you false hope… but I forgive you. I don’t know if it counts, because you didn’t really cheat on me, but you seem so miserable that you need some forgiveness.”
“Yes,” Blaine agreed, quick and assured. It was next to nothing when it came to the atonement that would be Kurt’s forgiveness, if that fragile thing could ever be obtained, but it was a salve nonetheless.
Kurt was strong, yes, one of the strongest and bravest people Blaine had even known, but Kurt had let Blaine in deep. He had let Blaine hold something delicate. His heart, his love, and just who he was past the veneer of perfect clothes and hair and attitude.
Rachel kissed him then, on the temple. They had hugged before, danced together, even made out, but this was somehow the most intimidate. Their friendship had moved to another place, a more personal place, and they were faulty humans together.
She stood and started towards the door.
“Rachel,” he called after her. “What happened between you and Finn— not then, but now?”
“Oh,” she said, and crossed her arms. “We broke up. I broke up with him.”
“I’m sorry,” he said. It was only fair after all of her comforts that he provided back.
“The funny thing is I’m not,” she said, and there was something in her voice, an elevation, that Blaine believed her. “He’s been jerking me around for so long. I love him, but I can’t I waste my heart on him when he can’t decided where he wants to be, or if wants to be with me at all. It hurt too much.”
Blaine almost wanted to laugh, but he held back, not because he would offend Rachel, but because he was sure it would turn into sobs. “You know Brittany and Santana broke up too? Them, you and Finn, Mike and Tina, Sam and Mercedes, and me and Kurt. What a mess we make. I guess it’s true what they say about high school relationships.”
Rachel shifted weight between her feet and said one thing, “I wish it weren’t.”
A few minutes later, Rachel was gone and Blaine was alone again, but he wasn’t quite as alone.