Project CCTC: Can't Close the Curtains

by akitoyaphilosopher

Summary:

Once dusk begins to break its exquisite colors across the vast blueness of the sky, everyone closes their curtains. Not one minimal spot is to remain uncovered. The world at night isn't safe. Within the protective shadows of the darkness, evil lurks: and that evil is not one favored by humankind. Rebels, prestiged for their infamous delinquent-type behavior, are beings that go against the modern ideals of night.

Shinonome Akito was a rebel; a bad habit, he may call it. A secret? Absolutely. Were his 3 bandmates something he'd fight to keep miscellaneous? Definitely. Akito didn't see himself becoming a rebel in the future: he usually didn't like things he couldn't anticipate. Lucky for him, Shinonome Ena didn't either.

OR

Imagine how Akito feels when everything familiar to him is taken away in the span of a night.

(Were feelings of neutrality towards his partner part of that mix, or is this some kind of joke?)

Notes:

Oh my god. I finished this chapter like a year ago but I never decided to publish it!!! Silly me1!!! Anyways, this is my first ever a03 work. I also haven't published anything in 3 years ... so this is a HUGE thing for me!!! Safe to say, this document was under construction for a very long time... Procrastination, am i right guys!!! rofl!!! Against all the gimmicks I was up to this past year, I'm actually really excited to present this one; I won't keep you any longer. Without further ado, here's Project CCTC -- In other words; Akito's terrible, horrible, no good, very bad night.

Chapter 1: “Akito, what are you doing?”

Ena doesn’t do her chores anymore, so here I am at 11:00 p.m, cleaning up dirty dishes in the kitchen. She’s become noticeably shallow over the years. To a normal person, she may not have changed much, but I’m not a normal person; I’m her brother. To me, a lot has changed. Whether it be from her mentality, her appetite, or her change in activity in the middle of the night, she’s changed as a sister, my sister.

 

She wasn’t always like this. From what I can recall, we two were, no matter how illogical it may sound, attached at the hip. There was no Akito without Ena, and that went both ways. Every spare moment we had we spent with each other. We’d always find something to talk about, no matter how uninteresting the topic may have been. I’d stand up for her, comfort her the best I could… 

 

That was all before our mother died.

 

Our father was devastated. He refused to tell us what had happened. He barely even left his room. I’d see him about once a week, and when that time came, he’d always have something to argue about. My father had never been nice, but something snapped in him. He changed. He became rotten, like a molding apple.

 

“You’ll never be good enough.”

 

“What are you even doing?”

 

“Stop wasting your time. You’ll never become an artist.”

 

“I wish you were never my child.”

 

As time passed, Ena stopped doing the things she used to do with me; I stopped doing the things I used to do with her. Things we would laugh about sprouted into things we’d argue with each other. Something small would erupt into something big. Those “big” things eventually set a barrier between us. That abstract barrier we’d inadvertently created shattered us both.

 

It didn’t take long to realize we had relied too much on one another. 

 

There was no Ena without Akito, and there was no Akito without Ena.

 

I didn’t notice how deeply Ena had woven herself into my life until she was gone. Not involving Ena in my life wasn’t something I had mentally prepared myself for. Neither of us made an effort to fix our relationship, so it stayed in the wrecked condition we had made it to be.

 

Why are you so scared to mess things up again? Stop being such a wuss.

 

Little has changed since then. Every once in a while, she’ll text me and make me bring home something from the convenience store. I never have the heart to refuse, nor do I feel like dealing with her for not doing as she asked. Without much argument, I agree to her demands.

 

I wish I could do something more than agree.

 

It feels so selfish to miss the way we used to be, to hold what we used to have so close to my heart. I hate wishing I could once again see her in the same light that I used to. I hate thinking that maybe, just maybe, if I had made more of an effort back when things weren’t so bad, we’d still be in unity. 

 

My father’s word got to her. She wasn’t receiving the validation she needed, the validation I tried so hard to give her. She began to stay in her room all day long. As her brother (This is the role he’s supposed to play, is it not?), I would check back outside her door every two seconds as I waited for her to come out like she used to.

 

Most days, she wouldn’t even open the door. 

 

Those days I cried myself to sleep. Most days I cried, I did it quietly because the walls were thin. Some days, I cried loudly in a desperate attempt to make her feel bad. I was angry at her for leaving me in the dark. I was angry at her for ignoring me. I was angry at her for taking Ena, my big sister, away from me. 

 

Was I not enough for you?

 

I kept telling myself that I just wanted her to be alright, and I did, but deep down, I had always known what I wanted more than anything. I just wanted her to hug me, tell me she was alright, that we were alright, and that I didn’t have to worry anymore. I just wanted us to be normal: a normal, perfect, smiley family like the ones in the ads.

 

It never happened. It was a selfish dream, the most selfish thing I’d ever asked for. I knew it would never happen, so why did the thought always send me into a spiraling fit?

 

It hurt so bad. From biting back the tears, trying to cry as little as possible, and.. losing a side of myself I didn’t know I had. I took it for advantage back then, but now— I’d do anything to get it back.

 

I hated crying. I would always try to stop myself, but it was impossible. Silent hiccups would spur into tears, which would erupt into uncontrolled sobs. Sobs would flow through the night. Waking up with a pillow enveloped with tears became a normal occurrence. It was too much for me to take— hell, it still is: I just eventually numbed to it.

 

Somewhere along the line, I became an overachiever: a perfectionist, of sorts. You carry your whole family on your back on a daily basis? Easy. You pulled two all-nighters in a row and still haven’t caught up to your outrageously talented bandmates? Walk it off. You feel like a worthless piece of shit every day? Flood your brain with music and avoid your responsibilities so much to the point you feel like a failure (and even more of a worthless piece of shit).

 

I dropped the remaining dishes down into the sink, not bothering to finish the rest. I’d rather get yelled at for being “irresponsible” than clean them right now.

 

I exhale, letting out a breath I didn’t know I was holding. Once I did so, I noticed my phone was alerting me like a fire alarm. I hastily reached for my phone as soon as I realized who could be texting me this time of night.

 

11:42 PM ???: hey. full moon tonight. we meeting or nah?

11:42 PM ??: Certainly. I’ll be on my way. Don’t forget the candles this time, Shiraishi.  

11:43 PM ???: you can count on it! no way am I letting what happened last time happen again.

11:48 PM ?: I’m so sorry!! I was feeding Count Pearl so I didn’t see your messages. I’ll be there soon. Is Shinonome coming?

 

I chuckled a little at the thought of what happened last time we had met up. I began to think of a message to reply, but my mind wasn’t being the most helpful at the moment. The little text bar flickered at me, seemingly begging me to send a message. Be chill. Be chill. Without another second to waste, I sent a message:

 

11:50 PM ‘course. be there in 15

 

I turned off my phone, facing it down so it wouldn’t bother me as I tugged on my jacket. Yet, my phone found the audacious nerve to go off again, so with a sigh (and a short laugh, but Akito would deny it if you asked), I picked up my phone.

 

11:50 PM shiraishistar:   it’s about fucking time you replied, dipshit. i was starting to think you weren’t coming.

11:51 PM toyaaoyagi: You knew he’d come. Akito never skips practice. And watch your language, Shiraishi.

11:51 PM shiraishistar: sorry, mom. 

11:51 PM snakeyko: Pollux, did you remember to bring the lavender today? Octobers’ your month.

11:52 PM toyaaoyagi: Azusawa, there’s no need to be so formal over text. You can call me Aoyagi. And yes, I’ll bring the lavender. Thank you for the reminder.

11:52 PM snakeyko: Ah, yes! I’ll take note of that.

 

11:53 PM toyaaoyagi: That aside… I assume we’re all coming, yes?

11:53 PM shiraishistar: yeah, obviously!

11:53 PM snakeyko: Hang on, I’ve got to fix my hair. I’ll be there!

11:53 PM ihatedogs29: yeah. i’ll see you guys there

 

++

 

I replied to any other texts I had received before stuffing my phone into my left jacket pocket, checking to make sure the extra eucalyptus oil I always carried with me was in its usual spot (snuggled safely into my right pocket). 

 

I walk over to the door and place my palm upon the doorknob, but I don’t turn it just yet. I allow the coldness of the knob to sink into my hand, a fresh change of pace from the heated atmosphere of the kitchen. I take a deep breath, but a familiar voice knocks me out of my thoughts.

 

“Akito, what are you doing?” Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.. “What the actual fuck are you doing downstairs right now?” Her timing couldn’t have been worse. “I could say the same for you.” She delicately stepped down to the last stair, making as little noise as possible. Her fear of that our father waking was evident in her vigilant movement. 

 

“That’s none of your business, Ena. Go back to your room.” I say, still facing the door, my fist tightening around the metal handle. The knob was no longer cold; rather, it was quite warm from how long I had left my hand there. The atmosphere.. it was no longer comforting. It almost felt tangible, like I could reach out and grab it in my clammy hands. 

 

Please don't ask, please don’t ask, please don’t ask— “Tell me what’s going on. Stop being secretive. Please.” Her voice felt like a stab in the back: stern and unpredictable. It’s almost funny. I knew with absolute certainty she’d ask, but her question left my mouth agape and began the dreadful dripping of abstracted blood.

 

Of course she would ask; she always had been that kind of person. She had always worried about me, cared for me.. Why was I so worried? She only meant well. Did I think I would.. lose them if she found out?

 

drip.

 

Silence was enough of an answer for Ena: it had always been. “You— you— do you even know what you’re doing? Do you think I don’t notice you leaving your room every other week, coming downstairs to this door like a reckless, stupid child? Are you truly so insatiable that you sacrifice our safety, your safety, to go outside?! At 12 fucking a.m? You could die out there! Die! Do you not see that? I don't want to believe that you're a reckless, stupid child, because I know you're not! I can’t believe you, Akito.” Ena took a long, guttural breath after her rant, one obvious of stress. Though I was unable to see her expression, I could tell it was one of exasperation. Her tone and volume rose and fell like a mountain during her speech, as if she had realized halfway through of her incautious pitch.

 

drip. drip.

 

I..” My voice is alive with uneasiness. I’m sweaty. I’m stuttering. I’m weak. But amidst it all, Ena’s pure, kind-hearted aura persisted with a fiery passion. It was almost nostalgic. That glare… it really brings me back. “I guess… society— society disillusioned it all. They made it out to be this horrible, life-crippling thing when in reality, it’s actually pretty chill if you know what you’re doing. The feeling, it’s—” I take in some air, “kind of like a drug.” A low-spirited smile crawls onto my face. Ena still doesn’t look convinced, but she’s making eye contact. She’s listening.

 

It’s obvious who’s correct here, but I can’t admit that. I can’t give this up .

“You get addicted. It’s… exhilarating, exhilarating how my heart pounds every time I go out there. It’s almost like fireworks go off with every step I take.”

Ena stares. Her stare drills a hole through me, surrounding us two with pure blackness. After a quick minute, she tentatively steps forward: then again, and again— until she’s perfectly in front of me, her warm hand clasping my left wrist. The atmosphere regarding Ena was so tense that it felt as if she could crush me with a simple flick of the thumb. “Akito…” Her tight hold is blatant with worry, her intent to hide her concern nonexistent.

 

Why can’t I, though? What would leaving my rebellious antics in my past do to me? To me at night, to me during the day?

“What’s out there?”

 

Her voice shook as she asked, as if she were wary of asking me such an ambiguous question. “You’re really good at reading me, huh?” Ena furrowed her eyebrows at me and clenched my wrist harder. “Don’t avoid the question. I’ll ask you again. What’s out there?” Ena’s voice was much harsher than before, a tone she never used unless she was hellishly serious. Her eyes met the ground; despite the mighty persona she held, she seemed… dispirited.

 

This feels so wrong. I..

 

This was the most Ena-esque thing that had happened today; she was the straightforward type and wasn't afraid to show it, constantly slamming me against the face of reality. It felt as if an arrow had pierced through me the second she asked the question.

 

drip.

 

“...” My lip quivered. Why couldn’t I speak? The concept was so stupidly simple: open your mouth and speak.

 

..

 

Just do it.

 

..

 

Just do it. What are you waiting for? 

 

Deep down, I knew exactly what I was waiting for. I knew that if I told her, it would cancel out my whole argument, and most definitely cancel out my chances of ever going out again. I couldn’t leave me behind. I would lose everything.

 

As if the clock had reached 12:00 am, restarting with a loud ding of finality, there it was—

 

Drip.

 

.. I can’t give up Akito Shinonome.

 

The stress had piled too high. I ripped my wrist free of her apprehensive hold. This time, I didn’t hesitate to open the door or feel the coolness of the door handle send shivers up my spine. Instead, I did what I should’ve done earlier. I broke out as quickly as possible, escape feeling like a gulp of fresh air (except that “fresh” air was intoxicated with a pang of indescribable guilt). I knew Ena wouldn’t follow me, but that exact fact is what ate at my pride.

 

The second the door closed, I leaned up against it. Warm breath was leaving my mouth, and my heart was racing as if I had run a mile— though I had hardly even walked a couple of steps. I exhale, this exhale the heaviest of all I’d exhaled today, relieved that no things were outside my house. I knew that if something had shown up, I would’ve gotten beat to a pulp. I go limp— allowing myself to rest against the door. I was so caged in by my thoughts that I barely noticed my vision blurring before me.

 

You ruined everything again.

 

… 

 

It’s about time I make a move. My body is oddly stiff, but I figured I’d walk it off. I check my watch— 12:11. Wait, 12:11?! Fuck. I really don’t feel like being disciplined by An today. I normally take a longer path to Vivid Street with time to spare, but that route’s gonna have to wait for my next visit. 

 

+++

 

I speed around the corner, carelessly vaulting over anything that gets in my way. That graffiti right there.. That marks the turn before Vivid Street. Mind racing, I pace a little faster, determined to reach Vivid Street as quick as I possibly can. Within seconds, I reach the next corner. Yet, my (seemingly) endless determination had suddenly vanished once I had taken a single step past that building, revealing what was on the other side. I instinctively take a step backward, my platforms making an impromptu scraping sound against the pavement. 

 

Shit, that was loud. I need to get out of here before that ugly thing comes and kills me. I turn around, prepared to make a break for it when I find myself in the most disgusting predicament in all of my rebellious history: one of those things was right there, towering before me. The lower half of its face was hanging on by a rather measled thread, its jawbone barely attached on one side. Its bottom lip was sewed to the top, and the other side held an absurd, toothless smirk.

 

Not wasting any time, I jumped back a couple of feet. If there were any other things on the other side of the wall, then they definitely knew where I was now: yet, I couldn’t care less. I’d kill two birds with one stone and continue on with my night. I bit my lip, focusing as I searched for my box of matches in my left pocket. I pulled out the first thing I felt—

 

My phone .

 

How could I forget something so important? My matches are always in my right pocket, and my phone never moves from my left . Well, that throws all my plans on how to deal with this thing out the window—

 

I don’t think there’s time to form a plan B.

 

Fuck. I can’t do this right now. Out of all days, why—

 

Next thing I know, I’m unmercifully slammed up against the wall by my left shoulder, effectively ripping my hoodie sleeve. The demon hits my phone out of my hand. I wince as I hear it shattering into god knows how many pieces. The fiend uses my non-hasteful delay to its advantage, rashly grabbing onto my arm. One glance at my red-soaked arm informs me that one: this encounter was definitely going to leave a mark, and two— plan B was to not fuck up plan A. 

 

I squirm as I try to escape from its compactful hold, which only pays to drain my energy. The demon acknowledges my effort, rewarding me with a cavernous laugh. The sheer audacity of this motherfucker has me growling under my breath. This does not go unnoticed by the beast, who pushes me to the ground and bends my wrist sideways until I hear a loud, painful snap. I try to yell, but the brute must’ve predicted this because it pushes my head against the ground with its free hand. 

 

I tried to think— be logical, something, anything, but the only thing in my mind was pain. 

 

Quite the predicament I’ve found myself in, no? I can’t help but cringe at how fuckin’ stupid this situation is. If only I had listened to Ena, if only I hadn’t gone out tonight or—

 

I nearly cross the border between heaven and hell as that thing takes a bite out of my arm. I can feel my consciousness fading and blurring before me, but I use every fiber of my being to not let it take me out. What would this sick fuck do to me if I passed out, even if it were only for a minute?

 

Do I deserve this? Is this karma for my misdoings? Fuck, is this what I get for… it hurts to think about. I made them all worry. I almost tarnished our promise, and it happened more than once. It’s like I was meant to die here, staged to be torn apart.

 

It’s almost exactly as he described it two years ago.

 

The mix of the nausea from the fresh crimson on the ground and the painful throbs from my wound are dreadfully draining. Seems the “abstract” blood from before wasn’t so abstract anymore.

 

I’m almost so out of it that I hardly pick up the scent of.. Citronella? In response to this, the demon drops my arm, driven away at the scent of something so strong. Whether this action happens between a span of minutes or seconds I'm not sure of, because everything feels so... slow. The world is spinning, far out of my control. It’s almost as if the world is trying to remind me how pathetic and worthless I am compared to everything else.

 

I catch the sound of footsteps echoing in the distance. I don’t even try to move my head to track the noise— it’d be a miserable effort. When a head of split blue hair ran into my line of sight, everything began to make sense. 

 

Toya always carried Citronella with him. 

 

I should’ve seen it as soon as I picked up the smell. My fist tightened a bit and a small smile crawled onto my face. He really did it. He said he’d one day repay me if this ever happened. Why did I ever doubt him?

 

Without another second to spare, Toya lifts me over his shoulder and says, “Don’t worry, I’ve got you.”

 

Even as my wounds continue to ache and the world spins around us, I can’t help but look at him. I can’t really tell why, and I most definitely couldn’t describe it to you if you asked. It was like the little things about him mattered so much more— How his eyes were unusually bright after fleeing the scene, how the light from the moon lit up his face, how his eyes would dart towards me every couple of seconds to make sure I was doing okay…

 

Yet I kind of wish he wasn’t doing that last thing, because I could feel my face heating up as seconds ticked by. The next time he glanced over at me, he and I locked eyes for a couple of seconds. He looked kind of concerned, yet peaceful. My mouth goes agape simply from how caring his eyes were, despite the situation we were in. I felt my heart accelerate at the thought. Then, he smiled a genuine smile and refocused himself.

 

I’m really hoping he can’t hear how fast my heart is beating.

 

What the hell?! You can’t just do something like that so casually! I immediately looked away, eyes darting from him to the ground. I create a very strict rule for myself: eye contact with your very attractive male best friend is strictly prohibited. 

 

Why do I want to look at him so bad? Why can’t I take my mind off him?

 

I figured the tender feeling simmering in my chest wasn’t something I had the capacity to deal with right now.

 

We’ve gotten quite far from where we started. Toya seems to have noted this as well, because he set me down on the concrete. He then rips off a piece of his shirt, kneels, and begins to wrap it around my arm.

 

Toya continued to swathe my arm with the fabric. He performed it with great focus: sternly, yet gentle. He finished off the temporary cast by tying a tight knot, causing me to wince. 

 

“This cast is only temporary. We can’t have you losing too much blood.” He stands up, but keeps his eye on me. 

 

“You didn’t need to do that, you know,” I say through my teeth. “I don’t mind. You worry too much, Akito. Besides, I can’t have you dying on me.” Toya said, somehow casually.

 

“Hey, don’t say things like that. You know very well I have no intention of going anywhere until we surpass RAD WEEKEND.” Toya hums, “I thought you’d say that. But whether or not you have the intent to die, you still need to be careful. Your pain tolerance won’t mean anything against one of these things, and I— now, we— have both learned that from first hand experience.” “… Yeah. You’ve got a point.” My gaze drifts away from Toya, my mind contemplating what he said.

 

“I know this is all really confusing, but I need you to listen, Akito. The others and I are going to do our best to help you through this—“ “How would the others even react to this? What would they think about seeing me like this? Akito Shinonome, the person who’s always telling them to watch their backs, the person who’s always careful not to get hurt in this condition? Weak and vulnerable? That’s wrong, incorrect, even. I—“ 

 

Toya’s hands on my shoulders bring me back to my senses; rather, back to realize what I’m actually saying. “Akito, do you remember the promise the four of us made?” I noticed how Toya’s grip around my shoulders tightened as he spoke. I bit my lip, my expression stiffening. I dug deep into my memories, obscurely searching for the promise we’d made: the promise that tied us four together.

 

The promise…

 

That’s right. The promise. 

 

“I’m… I’m so sorry. I just— I kind of got lost in my thoughts.” I said it so quietly that I was worried he wouldn’t hear, but this is Toya we’re talking about. And maybe also because he’s really close to me. Less than a foot away from me, even. When did we get this close?

 

 “I understand. It’s been a hard night. I'm just happy you figured things out.” His glare softened, a small smile appearing on his face. 

 

I don’t know how he manages to smile at a time like this, but something about the idea made my cheeks flush. I find myself unable to look away from his face— more specifically, his lips. Was it normal to want to kiss him? Something’s not right. Something’s definitely not right.

 

What exactly do I want to be to him?

 

Despite the spontaneous calls of my brain, I shove that thought to the back of my mind. My knees wobble, and I’m not sure if it’s because of the exhaust drawing my eyelids shut or whatever the hell Toya’s made me feel. Yet I’m not given time to think about it, as Toya throws me over his shoulder again. I begin to lose consciousness— for real this time— and I don’t try to stop it. I’d rather deal with my rather impulsive thoughts later on. 

 

You’re safe as long as you’re with Toya.

 

Guess I couldn’t escape my thoughts about him after all. 

 

“Toya.. I— uh.. thank you.” I mutter under my breath, and I swear I saw him smile a little.

 

++

 

Opening my eyes (not very) surprisingly took a lot more effort than usual. I tried to move to get a little more comfortable, to which my left side greeted me with sizzling pain. I hissed in response, catching the eyes of my peers. “Oh, Shinonome! You’re finally awake. I thought we’d lost you for a while. We were very worried.” I hear Kohane’s voice as she crouches down next to me. I don’t make eye contact with her, though. I’m trying to decode what happened.

 

I gaze down at my arm to track where the repetitive gasps of pain were coming from, spotting a bandage. It was patterned with a recurring white to red gradient and wrapped from the top of my shoulder down to the tips of my fingers.

 

“What.. happened?” I finally gaze around and begin to monitor my surroundings, to which I see that we are in our hideout (an abandoned building with an outrageous cockroach issue). An’s leaning against a wall chugging a bottle of Dr. Pepper, Kohane is crouched next to me in concern, and Toya is seemingly nowhere. 

An eyed me somewhat aggressively and carefully set her drink down on the floor. “Why don’t you tell us? Do you know how much of a dumbass you are, Akito?” I've heard those words enough times today. “.. I.. yeah. I know. I made you all worry because I was rushing things and—” I hiss again from an inadequate attempt at gesticulating, my right arm grabbing onto my left. “Shinonome, try not to move too much! We don’t want you to strain your arm after what happened.” I nod in agreement, though I want to scream from the circumstances that brought me here.

 

“Where’s Toya?” I didn’t want to overwhelm An with my excessive questioning, but I felt I needed answers. I’d feel anxious if I didn’t know.

 

“He’s cleaning your hoodie. The usual light yellow was pretty much nonexistent. There were a lot of rips, too, but Kohane dealt with those a while ago.” Ah. That explains why my arms are uncovered.. to be honest, the bandage had slightly jumpscared me when I woke up. 

 

“Akito, I want to know. You’re the most careful out of all of us, so what was your deal today?” An obviously wasn’t wasting any time, getting straight to the questions as soon as I showed signs of consciousness.

 

… This is exactly what I’d feared.

 

Right when I tried to think back to what had happened before I went out, my head began to throb. Ena.. Something else.. The front door… My idiocy… These fragmented memories slowly break down the dam of secrecy within myself. An kept a watchful eye on me. Her smile wasn’t nearly as friendly or welcoming as Kohane’s; regardless, you could tell she was being patient.

 

It didn’t take much longer for the dam to break. Ena yelling at me, Ena being worried about me, Ena fretting about my safety, Ena grabbing hold of me, Ena practically becoming a psychic, and most eventfully, Ena asking me what was outside. An must be pretty good at reading me as well, because her expression has changed from one of patience to intense concern.

 

.. Ena and I had a fight. A bad one. I fucked things up really bad. Again. She already doesn’t talk to me often, so this.. this was a lot for our relationship. I ended up slamming the door in her face. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forgive myself for that. I know it was really stupid— fuck that, incredibly stupid— but I don’t know what was coursing through me at the moment. The atmosphere was just so.. I just— I just had to get out of there. I ended up getting cornered by one of those fucking demons and it broke my wrist and then it took a fucking bite out of my arm—

 

An placed her palm on my shoulder, knocking me out of my thoughts and inducing me to inhale loudly. 

 

God, why am I so jumpy right now?  

 

An’s consoling hold calmed me down, as if my blue-and-black haired bandmate was trying to convey that she was here for whatever I needed.

 

“Do you want to talk about what happened?” She had been waiting for the perfect time to ask that question: you could hear it in her voice. Her tone was… welcoming, a tone she used only when she really cared.

 

I don’t deserve her kindness after causing her and the others so much trouble. 

 

There’s a thick line between An and I. I’m a burden, a dead weight. She's not. No matter how welcoming she is, I can’t tell her. She’d think of me as lesser. Weaker. Worthless.

 

I don’t tell her because I don’t tell anyone about the way I’m feeling. I don’t want everyone knowing about my problems. I can’t drop my ego. My ego is the only part of myself I have left. And if someone else had knowledge of it, it would all crack. 

 

Everything else is just shattered mirror fragments that are unable to be put back together, broken by the face of reality. My ego is the only unbroken part of the mirror; even that parts’ been shattered enough.

 

I’d rather isolate my feelings somewhere inaccessible than put them on other people. Especially on my friends.

 

“Hey, are you—“

 

I ignored whatever she had asked, hiding my head in between my legs and allowing my arms to droop beside me. I wanted to become invisible. I wasn’t here. The argument I had with Ena hadn’t happened. The attack hadn’t happened. The stare-off with Toya hadn’t happened. Today hadn’t happened. I had never happened. Akito Shinonome? Nope. Don’t know him.

 

“—Ak..”

 

The ironic thing is that earlier today, I would do anything to salvage my identity. Right now, I’d do just about anything to throw my identity out the window.

 

“ — Akit..”

 

This is too much to take in. I can’t do this, not now. I just want to fade away. How do I always manage to ruin things? I fucked up again. Again.

 

I-

 

“Akito!”

 

My head shoots upwards, alert from the sound of my name at such a high volume. Although I’m sure that I'm pale and that lightheadedness is blatant from the light swaying of my body, I can make out a person— him . He’s on his knees, palms on my shoulders after shaking me back to reality. Again.

 

Toya’s span of usable expressions is little to none, so even the littlest of changes say a lot about how he's feeling. His expression wasn't over-the-top or crazy dramatic, but you could see that dumb look of hope in his eyes: almost identical to the one he had flashed me earlier. I chuckled a little under my breath—

 

He’s perfect, isn’t he? 

 

All of a sudden, his arms wrap around me, embracing me in a fond hug. My eyes widened. Why was he— “I’m so glad that you’re okay, Akito. From.. both now and earlier.” He said it so quietly that you most likely wouldn’t have been able to hear him even if he were right next to you, but this was different. His chin was resting on my shoulder, the warmth from his hands spreading throughout my body. He wasn’t right next to me: he was literally repurposing me as a pillow. I responded to this by short circuiting, both physically and mentally. Physically, I was sweating, my eyes were wide (still), and my right arm was stuck bent midair, failing to return his gesture. Mentally— there’s absolutely nothing in my brain but the situation in front of me. Someone like me, completely unguarded and defenseless. What a rare sight.

 

Entranced… is that what they call this?

 

My mind was clouded with stormy clouds of doubtful “what ifs”, yet I had convinced myself of something; what mattered was my best friend , surrounding me with all the care I’d ever wanted. 

 

As long as I was with him, I would always be safe.

 

I (almost hesitantly) brought my right arm around his back, finally returning the favor. I didn’t regret it. To be truthful, I’d say I rather liked it. The atmosphere was better than any I’d find within my home. It was cold, yet oddly welcoming. If I could, I would move even closer to him, but we were already conjoined. I did my best to take in every detail of the atmosphere I could: the bits of blue hair in my field of vision, the coldness coming from his hands on my back, the cool midnight air hitting my face.. I could list on and on if given the chance. I then made eye contact with An, who had seemingly been waiting for my approval to say something.

 

“I think we should cut things short today. Akito, you took a while to revert back to a state of consciousness. It’s 2 am now. I don’t care what you say, you need rest.

 

Kohane nodded beside her. “I agree. Here, let’s go.” Toya stands up and reaches his hand towards me, which I take. Though our arms had brushed many times before, this time it felt.. different; more intentful, maybe? 

 

I had thought something was different, and I was correct. There’s something new; It’s mutual. I had to resist the noticeably strong urge to continue holding his hand after he helped me stand up.

 

What the actual fuck is happening to me?

 

I almost fell as I took a step forward, not yet used to the sudden change in balance. Upon witnessing this, Toya lightly wrapped his arm around me. I’ve relied on someone before, but never so literally to the point they’ve got their arm tucked around my shoulder just so that I can stay standing. 

 

Toya was never good with communication. With him, actions spoke louder than words. If that’s the logic here, does my heartbeat count as an action? I can practically hear it beating out of my chest, because seriously, what did I ever do to deserve someone like him by my side?

 

“Route J is the quickest way to Akito’s house,” An glared at Kohane and Toya, to which they nodded in return. I knew by the tone of her voice that she didn’t care what I thought, that we were doing what was healthy for all of us. It’s only in An’s nature to be strict at a time like this.

 

“Thank you guys. For caring so much.”

 

Silence.

 

“Of course.” An spoke for all three of them. Then she smiled, which the others did as well.

 

My vision blurred again as wetness formed in my eyes.

 

(Maybe things weren’t as bad as he’d made them out to be.)

 

+++

 

I don’t think I’ve ever wanted to go home more than I want to right now. Home has never really been a place of comfort for me, or at least not now. Back when me and Ena would get along, it was. I don’t know what she’d do if she saw me like this, or in that case, what I would do. Toya must’ve noticed my change in expression, because he moved his arm from my shoulder to my waist, pulling me closer to him for more support. I jolted at this action of his— was I really that deep in thought? 

 

“How are you holding up, Akito?” If there were a word out there to describe how I was feeling, it definitely wasn’t in my vocabulary. I furrowed my eyebrows at the ground. “I’m fine. I mean, there’s pain— fuck that, a lot of pain, but I’m just… grateful, is all. For one, things could’ve been much worse…”

 

“For two, you being here makes the pain hurt a lot less. It’s… It’s always like that with you.”

 

Toya exhaled. He was quiet for a second, leaving me alone to the sound of his breathing. 

 

“I suppose we’re both on the same page here, then.” He chuckled.

 

We fell into silence, leaving me alone again— except this time, I was left with a fluttery feeling in my chest.

 

I really like the sound of his laugh.

 

Now that I think about it, I like a lot of things about Toya. I like his hair and the mole that’s seemingly placed perfectly underneath his eye. I like his eyes and how they glow when he’s excited. I like how fun he is to be around, especially when he loosens up a little. I like his personality and how it shines when he sings. And his smile… I like that. I like that about him a lot.

 

…

 

My attempt to shove this chain of thoughts to the back of my head ended in futile. It seemed like the more I tried not to think about him, the more I thought about him. And the more I thought about him, the more absolutely perfect he seemed.

 

Maybe I…

 

Maybe I need some sleep.

 

+++

 

“Are the keys where they usually are?” Toya crouched to check, then hummed, confirming that they were. He then picked them up, before standing up and handing them to me. “Stay safe, alright?” “I will. And, uh, thanks. For walking me back, I mean.” I stuck the key in the lock before looking at Toya with a side glance.

 

“I’m simply returning your favor. You saved me back then. I intend to do just as you did for me, because I’m your partner.” That statement probably shouldn’t have flustered me as much as it did. Toya made eye contact with me, which I broke within seconds. 

 

His partner…

 

I could feel my heart rate increasing as each second passed. This feeling was something I’ve never experienced before, and if I had, it wasn’t anything frequent. I normally plan out everything I do, every move I make. But this, it’s unpredictable. It’s new in a way too close for comfort. I had the urge to turn the key in the lock, run inside, lock the door, go hide underneath my blankets, and be left to forever suffocate in my emotions.

 

But I couldn’t do that; that was the first and last thing I wanted to do.

 

Why is this so confusing? Why is this one simple feeling the only thing I’ve had to think twice about? Why is it preventing me from thinking straight? Too many questions, but too little answers.

 

I pursed my lips and pulled the inside of my jacket closer to me (as if that would do anything to cease his racing thoughts). “.. I know I’ve been repeating myself a lot, but… I’m very grateful for what you’ve done for me today. I’d definitely be dead right now if it weren’t for you.” Out of the corner of my vision, I caught a glimpse of Toya walking over to my right, his hand turning the key I left in the lock.

 

“I don’t know how many times I’m going to have to tell you, Akito,” Toya indirectly eyed me, “I’d be dead without you. I found meaning in my life with you. I don’t know where I would be if I hadn’t met you that one night. Please, give yourself a little more credit.” Toya laid his palm on my shoulder.

 

“Only if you agree to do the same.” Toya’s eyes lit up. “That’s only if you agree to go inside and get some rest.” I playfully nudged him, to which he laughed and shoved my hand away.

 

He’s right. Maybe I’m just tired.

 

 I lifted my right fist, 

 

“See you tomorrow?” 

 

And Toya lifted his left.

 

“See you.” 

 

…

 

It all hit me at once.

 

I mean, a lot of things.

 

The door is again a place I found myself residing against for comfort. Yet this time, I’ve got a lot more unsolved problems on my watch…

 

But something’s telling me somewhere deep down, I already know the answers. 

 

What’s in the way of me finding out? Am I too stubborn? Is my mind too heavy? Am I in too much pain? The answer I’m unsure of.

 

I don’t understand how all of this could happen in a single night.  

 

I’m not even going to try and recap. My eyelids feel drowsy, my head feels heavy, and my legs feel… wobbly? Everything feels wrong. Everything feels unstable, shaky, broken…

 

Or maybe it’s just my legs.

 

I almost fall forward, but I instinctively use my right arm to stabilize myself against the wall. This wasn’t anything new. I was afraid if I let go of the wall, everything would come crashing down. I would fall, everything would fall. Down, away from everyone, left to rot alone with the guilt that feels to be eating me alive.

 

As if it hasn't already.

 

I feel sick. Nauseous, even. Things are spinning again. Everything feels hazy, distant, far, gone. 

 

God.

 

I messed up. So, so many feelings to decipher, but so little time to comprehend.

 

Is this all a dream?

 

No, it’s not a dream…

 

This is a nightmare, a nightmare which holds a fate I can hardly fathom.

 

And if I could do anything to stop it, I couldn’t even try.

Chapter 2: Ena’s doing her best.

Summary:

There's a lot Ena doesn't understand about Akito. It might not be much, but she's willing to learn.

My face still tingled from the itch of cold, outside air. Akito wasn’t home yet. I wonder, where did he go? Why did he start all of this? He got… overwhelmed. I should’ve… I should’ve handled the situation better. I know him. I know how he reacts to conflict, but… he never runs away. He never gets defensive. It’s unlike him. Does he have something to protect?

 

“He seems stubborn.” Yuki was right. He had always been stubborn, especially over things he was passionate for. “I know… but I just wish there was something I could do that would make me feel a little bit less helpless.” In the end, I’ve already failed at being a good older sister. There’s no way I could mess up more than I already have.

 

“What’s your relationship with your brother? I haven’t heard much about him.” K asked, making me realize something about myself: I don’t speak about my personal life often. 

 

“We mainly argue. We both have the same favorite foods, so we’ll usually debate over who gets to eat what. We used to be close, but he’s been distant ever since our mom’s death.” To this, Amia hummed a sound of approval through their mic.

 

“I’ve actually got quite a bit of experience when it comes to the nighttime world… I once experienced the same thing your brother is going through.” Amia started, clicking their tongue. “Why didn’t you say so sooner?” Though Amia couldn’t see me, I still crossed my arms. “Hehe. Sorry, Enanan.”

 

“I’m going to say one thing, and one thing only. What society says about it out there is only partly true,” Amia waited for my approval — silence — to continue. “There are things out there. Sure, they can attack, but there’s a trick to it.”

 

Huh?  

 

“There’s a whole lot less of them out on half and full moons… and even on blood moons and blue moons, albeit rarely. For the people who know, it’s common knowledge.”

 

“That explains Akito’s schedule. I haven’t been able to figure it out until just now… I just want him to trust me. I may have been too straightforward with him earlier…”

 

“It’s alright, Ena. We know it wasn’t your intention.” Kanade’s voice echoed through my headphones, to which I nodded. “Urgf, what if he gets hurt or something… I’ll never be able to forgive myself. He’s pretty self-dependent, but still.. knowing I could’ve prevented all this is making me stress.” I glared down at my pencil, the eraser dulled from my subconscious nervousness.

 

Why am I so worried? He’ll be fine. He's been doing this for almost 3 years now. Even so, this bad feeling just won’t go away…

 

“You said he started going outside when your mother passed, correct?” I made a hum of approval. “I see. If Amia has gone through this as well, it could be that other teenagers are going through something similar to your brother. He could’ve met someone… knowing the position he was in, he wouldn’t have just given that up. Otherwise, wouldn’t he have quit a long time ago?”

 

Kanade’s words hung in the air, forming a tense atmosphere.

 

Almost like how it felt when Akito slammed the door in my face…

 

That chill I felt earlier bit back, and it bit hard. 

 

“… You’re right.” My response was much delayed, but it eased us all to know we were on the right path. “I’m going to… give Akito some time before trying to talk to him again.”

 

The silence returned before Mafuyu hummed and announced she’d be going back to working on lyrics. Kanade agreed with Mafuyu, who said she wanted to work on composing. I expected Mizuki to sign off as well, but they stayed behind. “Mizuki?” “Ena…” Their voice trailed off. “Good luck with Akito.” Mizuki’s voice was softer than normal — warm, in a way. I hesitated before responding, overwhelmed by the feeling of — “Thank you, Mizuki.”

 

Too many thoughts. I’m not dealing with that right now.

 

The warmth Mizuki had sent my way sat with me for a second, a relief from the blistering coldness of the situation at hand. I buried my face in my hands, contemplating why I had to be like this around them.

 

At the very least, I’m grateful that they can make me feel better.

 

Not long after that thought sounded in my head, I moved from my desk to my canvas. I tried to think, but my mind was too cluttered to actually paint something worthwhile.

 

… Maybe I just need some water.

 

I cautiously headed down the stairs so as to not wake my father, heading to the sink. The sink was littered with dishes, which was unusual. Akito usually had them done before he went to sleep.

 

Then again, Akito wasn’t asleep yet.

 

Somewhere along the way, I found myself zoning out at the front door.

 

Stop thinking about that. Focus.

 

Upon focusing, I noticed Akito’s shoes by the door.

 

He’s home? When did he get back?

 

Akito had always been reckless, but he’d at least remember to line his shoes up against the wall. Tonight, they weren’t. It almost seems like he’s asking me to worry about him.

 

Was he really that exhausted? Was it my fault? Did he get hurt?

 

There was only one way to find out. Worry had been coursing through my brain for hours now, overshadowing any and every other thought I had. Just as Akito had forgotten to line up his shoes by the door, I forgot to walk quietly up the stairs. It was… odd to worry so much about Akito in one night, but what was I supposed to think after a reaction like that?

 

My nervousness rose with each rising step I took. All I had been thinking about tonight is how I would confront him, but not how I’d actually do it. I didn’t plan to approach him so soon, either… This really isn’t the kind of thing I don’t want to be prepared for. But now, as I stand breathlessly in front of his door, I remember my job as his sister.

 

His sister…

 

When I finally gather the courage to open the door, it hardly budges. I put more force into it so that the door would open wide enough for a person to fit through—

 

A groan. A hiss, more like. But there was a sound. “Akito..?” Upon poking my head through the door, I see him. He looks like a trainwreck, literally and figuratively. His hair is all mangled, his hoodie has unnaturally large stitches, and… He’s sitting against the door? With his right arm, he shakily rubs the back of his neck. I then realize with where he was sleeping, he must have awoken while I was trying to force the door open.

 

The silence doesn’t last long. “… Ena…” His voice is dry and raspy. His right arm then gently grasps onto his left, almost as if he were ashamed of it. What the hell happened to him? Why is he… Here?

 

“I’m sorry.” It comes out quietly, but it’s prominent to me. I can hear him. I could always hear him, and he knew it. He knew it because I’m his sister.

 

“Don’t apologize. And, I’m… I’m sorry too. I put a lot of pressure on you at a bad time, and… I scared you.” It was hard to see, but he was smiling. Somewhere under that facade he held, he was grateful: and that would always be enough.

 

“I think I owe you an explanation.” Akito tightened his hold on his left arm, and though it appeared to pain him, he didn’t let go. “I’d like that.” I gently shut the door before crouching down beside him on the floor.

 

Akito took a deep breath. He went quiet, as if he were searching for the correct words to say. In the end, his eyes didn’t move from his left arm. His head was empty. He didn’t look like he was getting anywhere.

 

So he rolled up his left sleeve. A bandage. A bruised one. It was slightly off-white, tinted with a gradient that repetitively faded into red. Why did he…?

 

“I know there’s probably a lot you want to say. Knowing you…” Akito shook his head. I almost couldn’t bear seeing him like this. The last time he looked this miserable, he was… 12 years old. Right when our mother had passed.

 

I began to wonder how long he’s been feeling this way when he suddenly broke into tears. He hasn’t cried like this… also since he was 12. That was a hard year for the two of us. 

 

I suppose the memories from that day haunt the both of us, I think, as I embrace Akito in a hug. Just like I used to.  

 

For a second, It felt like nothing had ever changed. Our mother had never passed. Our father had never pushed expectations onto us. Akito never got hurt. I never got hurt. Akito and I… never isolated from each other.

 

The next second, I felt the urge to cry along with him. This was all just so… bittersweet. I’d become so invested in proving my father injustice that I forgot what else mattered to me.

 

“I… I made you worry. I’m so… I don’t even—“ “You don’t have to say anything. I understand.”

 

No words were exchanged for the next couple of minutes until Akito backed out of my hold. “I’m sorry about all of… that. I’m ready.” I nodded, as to tell him he could proceed.

 

“Mom and Dad were rebels. I followed them out once, and… I just kept going from there. And — uh — I met someone.” Akito paused once he saw the way my eyes widened at his words. “You had a feeling, didn’t you?” He eyed me, to which I again nodded.

 

“He— once I had met him properly, I knew I recognized him from a couple of months before. The first time I ‘d seen him, he was on the side of the road, and fuck , he’d probably bleed out if I didn’t do anything. I didn’t know much about bandaging wounds, but I threw him over my shoulder, brought him to a more confined area, and wrapped them up anyways. He didn’t say anything… due to shock, possibly. He’s the type that smiles with his eyes.”

 

Where is this going…?

 

“I met him again a couple of months later. He didn’t look like the type to be out there. Truthfully, I wasn’t either. Speaking of trust, trust among rebels was slim. The ones that make it out there go by code names… but he gave me his full name, as well as his code name. Out of respect, I gave mine in return. We’ve been singing partners ever since.”

 

Akito talked about him with such fondness in his voice and softness in his expression that made me wonder where I’ve been these last two years. He’s… changed. Yet, at the same time, he hasn’t changed much at all.

 

“His name is Toya. Toya Aoyagi.”

 

He paused again, as if he were in deep thought about something.

 

“Last night, I left the house without thinking. I was unprepared. One of those… Demon things caught me off guard. I forgot left from right and messed up.. messed up something i usually did so well. I was reckless… for the second time that day.” Akito’s glare moved from me to the ground. Shame. He’s feeling shameful again.

 

“The monster bit off a part of my arm. Almost two. I probably would’ve died if it weren’t for Toya. I’d texted him a while prior our meeting spot, and he’d gotten worried when I hadn’t shown up after a while. He backtracked, and… he saved me. I’d probably be dead right now if it weren’t for him.”

 

“Doesn’t that go both ways, though? You saved him too all that time ago.” Akito’s eyes brightened. “He likes to say that a lot.” He sighed.

 

“… From what I just heard, Aoyagi doesn’t seem like the type to say things just to say them. He says so because it’s true.” Akito shook his head, smiling softly. “You understand me a bit too well,” Akito again rubbed the back of his neck.

 

Again, it’s quiet. “I woke up at 2 am. It hurt to move. It hurt to blink. It hurt to see the others worried about me. When I awoke, Toya wasn’t present. He was cleaning my hoodie, the one that Azusawa had stitched up beforehand. I work with a group of rebels… We all have talents that benefit the group. Azusawa, Shiraishi, and Toya. We started working together around a year ago.”

 

I nodded. “I felt like they were… disappointed in me. Especially Shiraishi. She mentioned that I’m always the most careful of all of us, and… she was right. I had no excuse to do what I did. I’m… pathetic. I'm so pathetic.”

 

Akito…

 

“Toya made me feel a lot better about it. When I’m with him… I feel like a different person. I feel… happy. He’s never judged me for expressing myself. Not even once. Toya, he’s… he’s very special to me.”

 

“Are you in love with him?” Akito’s eyes widened. He looked down, then off to the side. His eyes then again adjusted their shape, softening. “I don’t kn—“ Akito cut himself off. “I think so.”

 

I smiled, and though it was hard to see, Akito did as well. Silence again took over us both and I pondered on what I’d learned today about Akito. He’s got a lot going on. From his expression, I couldn’t quite tell what he was thinking, but… he seemed to be reflecting on something.

 

There’s shame in his expression. Why is he so ashamed? 

 

“What are you so worried about, Akito?” Akito sighed, moving his glare from me to the ground. “I… a lot of things. It’s overwhelming.”

 

…

 

“I’m not going to pry… But if you need it, I’ll be here for you.” Akito nodded, yet his gaze remained on the floor.

 

I want Akito to trust me. I know it’s unfair to both myself and him to expect trust after 2 years of disassociating from his life, so…

 

“Why don’t we talk more tomorrow? You need sleep, and it shows.” 

 

I’m going to be fair, because that’s what a good sister would do. 

 

“… You’re right, Ena. It’s been… it’s been a long night. And, uh… Thanks for listening.” His response was short, but true. That’s what I thought was so cool about my brother. “Of course. I’ll see you tomorrow. Get some sleep, okay?” Out of the corner of my eye, Akito smiled back. “‘Night, Ena.”

 

I took one last look at Akito before I gently shut the door to his room and sighed to myself.

 

Mizuki better be prepared, because I have a lot of questions.

 

Notes:

This chapter was a lot shorter than the last, but I figured it was fitting for what the chapter had to offer!!! I've got a lot planned for the next chapter... Let me cook!!! I'm scheming like crazy!!!

Notes:

I'd like to promptly thank a few people that helped me to progress this project over the months ... Thank you to my best friend, Thao, for encouraging me to write again; Thank you to an acquaintance of mine, Arleum, for beta reading this for me and helping me to start another chapter of this project; Thank you to my good friend, Fai, for being a great supporter of mine during this time; My brother, Ashton, for being an asshole to me because I don't know what else to credit him for; and thank you to anyone else who's read this for me over the months!! I love you guys!!! This has been a passion project of mine for almost 2 years now, and I'm glad to be here to share this with whoever else comes along. Comments and kudos are appreciated!