Chapter Text
Day 3 - Leave by SKZ
It all started with a hookup.
At least that’s what Felix tells himself.
As cowardly as it is, it’s much easier this way. The problem can't hurt him if he doesn't even face the problem.
He's content, being an ostrich.
In a way, by pretending that what Felix and Hyunjin shared was just a spur of the moment decision rather than the slow simmer of intense feelings which have long reached a boiling point he chose to not acknowledge the undeniable truth. The fact that behind each heated kiss, each needy touch, and each longing gaze, was poorly masked desire for each other.
Foolishly they thought that they could handle it. After all, why couldn't they? A one-night stand isn't some taboo nor unusual thing. They could do that too. A moment of sweet indulgence before everything goes back to normal but no.
Once turned to twice a month. Twice a month multipled into weekly meetings. Before they knew it, they were stealing away to scandalous meetings at every given opportunity. It's an understatement to say that they grew bold.
Perhaps in hindsight, both of the were already preparing for the crash. With each illicit reunion, their fate loomed closer, oppressing and imminent. Kisses grew harsher, touches more demanding like they were running on a ticking timebomb. Their love was a drug and they were addicts.
It wa, as usual, much too late when they realised that it had spiralled out of control, that they had gone off the deep end.
No matter how much they wished, there was no going back now.
Nothing could've truly prepared them for the tidal waves of resounding consequences. As always, sweet, caring Felix's mask was the first to crack under pressure.
It's funny how love changes your everyday life. Subtly, they intertwine their routines with each other. Right under his nose, Hyunjin wriggled his way into Felix's beart and became an integral part of his life.
When did it happen that Felix prepares two plates of breakfast in the morning instead of one? That Hyunjin's dorm room now had a drawer filled with Felix's cothes? That Felix wakes up in the morning and subconsciously snuggles closer to the other man sharing his bed? That whenever he sees something funny or endearing, his first instinct was to share it with Hyunjin? That his mind is a constant strum of Hyunjin, Hyunjin, Hyunjin at all times?
He tells himself that its okay. They're young and in love, and everyone knows that love makes you mad. Therefore, in the name of love and sacrifice, he took a leap of faith and prayed that the cliff wasn't too close when he soared.
But deep down, when he gets tired of hiding, he'll admit that he did it to protect what's left of his fragile heart, no matter how much he loathes it. He did it because he thought that it would hurt less and diminish what his heart felt so intimately. (read: it still hurt a bitch and even if he doesn’t know how it feels to have his heart being violently ripped from his chest, this was probably it)
At this point, Felix would genuinely rather he was eviscerated while conscious than to continue facing reality, facing exactly how fast everything was going downhill.
Why did things have to end up this way? Who's to blame?
He's forced to face the truth. Felix is sorry he's too weak.
The coolness of the cab's window posed a stark contrast to the warmth of Felix's skin. It was uncomfortable but Felix didn't have the heart to move. He aimlessly watched as the raindrops slid down the smooth expanse of glass, silently pitting them against one another in a pointless race against time.
Who would win? Hyunjin's lithe but Felix's is always much lighter on his feet.
He mused, as he jostled to the oscillation of the cab, were these raindrops tears of the gods? Did they finally cave from the guilt of having woven their fates like this? Were there even gods to weep for them?
He briefly wondered when his life had fallen to this point? When had it spiralled so far from his hands and into those of faceless strangers halfway across the world? With simple words, they dictated his fate. His hard work for years was nothing in front of their razor tongues and iron hearts.
He realised, belatedly, that he has been questioning his life a lot recently. What use was wondering about 'whens' and 'what ifs' when he no longer wishes to know the answers, nor can he give any?
You made your choice when you signed the contract. Only now you can't seem to bear the consequences.
He knew better than to reminisce (He won't be able to handle the pain once the memories hit him, that much he's self-aware of), but the sheer hopelessness of it all weighed too heavily on his shoulders.
Why is he so helpless? So… afraid?
If only he were stronger like Hyunjjn, he wouldn't have had to take such drastic measures just to protect the man he loves.
It felt like he was strapped to a stake, watching as the flames lit underneath him burn down everything before finally devouring him as well. His hands were bloody and raw from struggling and he wanted to rip them off, curse them for their uselessness. Yes, underneath all his frothing despair was a red-hot anger simmering slowly. A raging storm against the injustice he's forced to face.
Does being a carefully crafted idol entail all this abuse? Why did everyone have to care about his personal life? Did he not deserve peace?
Perhaps were he in the right frame of mind, he'd reprimand himself and remember that this wasn't the right way he was supposed to think. But this wasn't the right way for his 'fans' to think either.
Ah, my mind's too loud.
He needed a distraction before he lost it and his mind was only too happy to provide. He retraced that familiar route to comfort all too easily.
Hyunjin.
Source of Felix's joy and suffering. Really, Felix just goes around him in circles. They say the world doesn't revolve around you and Felix agreed, he revolved around his world. No matter how sad he felt, how utterly lost he felt, Felix always ended up trailing back to Hyunjin and everything would be alright again.
It's funny how often Felix thinks of Hyunjin. A flower on the roadside, Hyunjin liked painting flowers; An oddly fluffy cloud, Hyunijn went cloud watching with Felix once; Stars in the night sky of Seoul, Hyunjin said Felix's freckles reminded him of stars.
It physically pained him. A longing so visceral it spread icily through Felix’s blood, making his head spin.
Choose your poison, they say. Felix chose it in the shape of Hyunjin.
A ghost of Hyunjin's embrace briefly warmed Felix and he subconsciously leaned into it. He was like a lost child, gripping desperately at any sliver of Hyunjin he could but the threads of him were fraying and a gust of wind is all it takes to finally unravel everything.
It is both a curse and blessing that Felix could still remember with a crystal clarity.
Could recall all the places they fit against each other, the long fingers warm on his skin, the wet coolness of fleeting kisses pressed to his head. It was a fantasy Felix was reluctant yet hapless to indulge in, only to come back to the jarring reality that he was alone in a cab, leaving behind everything he once called his life.
Everything felt muted and Felix tried to escape its oppressiveness by burrowing deeper down memory lane.
Down.
Down.
Down.
The memories turned from grey-blue to a warm, welcoming rainbow. Felix welcomed their gentle comfort, letting it blanket his soul akin to a mother cuddling her newborn.
Stray Kids winning their first awards… Debuting… Training days. They were a masterpiece of Felix's life, displayed in the museum of his heart for himself.
He painted the awards of Stray Kids in red, a splash of bright fire, his burning fuel to strive for the better every day. He painted debuting in a fresh, crispy green, overwhelmed but gratified by the love which nurtured him into who he is, who he can be. He painted his trainee days in violet, rich and insightful, always carrying more depth than what first meets the eye.
It was beautiful. It was his.
He studied his art, noting that it was rough around the edges, the strokes of colours deep and thick.
More.
And so he went further down, down, down.
Until he touched a blazing, syrupy gold painting done magnificently by an artist Felix could never claim to be.
In his broad strokes, Felix painted a rough silhouette of Hyunjin in vibrant gold. Felix’s gold. Its beauty rivalled the syrupy yellow of the sun, rivalled the summery gold of the Australian beaches, rivalled Felix's own golden, radiant smile.
Contrasting to that, in his controlled, practised hand, Hyunjin etched his portrait into Felix's soul. A line in pink here, a line in black there. Forever ingrained into Felix was that dumpling smile, those cute feline eyes.
This painting would forever be Felix's most prized possession. It was a reminder that Hyunjin touched not his skin but his heart, he kissed not Felix's lips but his soul.
Which is also why he hid it away. Far, far, away from everyone's view.
An inkling of despair sunk in. Is this what everything amounts to in the end? All that hiding and secrecy… Was what they fought for not enough to withstand the force of reality?
Maybe it was just him who can't withstand the brutal awakening of reality.
He picked at a thread of cherry pink, letting it unravel into a picture of the first night they lay together, watching it come to life.
Hyunjin's eyes had positively glowed in the dark, their boundless, earthy darkness shimmered with hope so bright it blinded Felix of their impending failure. It was all bashful giggles and a mess of tangled limbs, neither of them wanted to let go of each other, even when the heat got unbearable and the sun was peeking from behind the curtains.
Always. Always their time was ticking, slipping away.
When they woke up the next morning, they still gravitate back to each other's sides, like an invisible magnet attraction.
Back then, they had believed in forever.
Now, Felix wondered, what does forever mean?
Until the inevitable disbandment of their group? The duration they work as idols? Did they dare to say that for the rest of their lives?
Is this naivety?
No. It is want, unbridled want he selfishly indulged himself in whilst blissfully ignoring the consequences of his actions.
It was the compass Felix anchored himself to. To want and be wanted, to have your feelings reciprocated and fought for. Felix drowned in it willingly, greedily feasted, and let it fog up his brain. He had made his choice, deciding that present pleasure far outweighed the possible repercussions were they to take things too far.
Too far to the point of folly.
Over and over again, he told himself that this was the shackle he locked when he signed the contract.
Willingly, Felix gave out the payments so he could feel the euphoria, overstep the intricate boundaries idols are barred with.
He let himself, let them be drunken, delirious with each other, living life on cloud nine, like everyday was a dream.
Felix blinked away his tears, taking a deep breath to push down the sour bile rising in his throat. His senses were closing up but there were no tears left to cry.
He remembered Bang Chan once said that Felix was water and Hyunjin was fire. They perfectly balanced each other out, yin and yang.
But, Felix mused. He half-heartedly stared at his hand, imagining a much larger one engulfing his. Water extinguishes fire and fire boils water. Felix would rather die than let himself cause the downfall of Hyunjin. Even if it came at the expense of himself.
He'll let himself burn, burn, burn, until there was nothing left to give, until his steam is blown away in the wind, pressing his last kiss to earth.
Hyunjin woke up. Like a sixth sense, he knew something was wrong.
He felt cold, hollow even. He was quick to realise that the grounding weight and flustering warmth by his side which he had grown so accustomed to was missing.
“Felix?” He rasped, blinking open a bleary eye to search for the mess of blonde hair which should've been nestled right by his side.
It wasn't there.
A murky confusion bubbled in the pit of his stomach, too fleeting for him to put his finger on yet. He urged himself to wake up, to find out what was wrong. Something innate started to sound the alarm bells in his head, trying to tell him the answer.
Where is Felix..?
Yawning, he stretched and touched the empty spot beside him. The sheets were cool.
Dread finally seeped in.
Did he go back to his room in the middle of the night?
Hyunjin was aware how that was completely illogical but could there be a logical reason as to why Felix wasn't beside him in bed? Hasn't been for at least an hour, given how cold the sheets were.
A morning run, perhaps?
Why hadn't he asked Hyunjin to accompany him then? Yes, he wasn't quite what you'd call a morning person but he'd wake up at 6 am in a heartbeat if that was what Felix wanted.
Anxiety churned in his stomach like a grenade with its pin pulled, seconds away from exploding. He reminded himself to take deep breaths, that panicking won't do any good. Rubbing the sleep from his eyes, he got up from the bed, shrugging on a stray shirt haphazardly thrown over a chair.
He's probably… in the living room. Yeah.
He pushed all thoughts as far as he could from his wandering mind. It would be better if he just didn't think right now.
It's probably the stress of the past week catching up to the both of us… Hyunjin reasoned with himself, ignoring his own advice.
Where was Felix's voice of reason when he needed it? His mind was spiraling and Hyunjin didn't know how to stop it.
What if something happened to him?
Hyunjin couldn't stop himself from physically stumbling at how his chest squeezed, the sharp jab of pain digging itself squarely in his heart merely at the thought of Felix in danger. His head throbbed as a headache presented itself. A muted, numbing buzz grew in his ears, pressing against his brain, closing up his airway as he left his room, keeping his hand on the wall so he didn't fall over.
One foot in front of the other. Steadily… Felix's going to be in the living room, or the kitchen. He's definitely just overreacting.
For once, Hyunjin wished that it was his dramatic nature stirring an empty pot.
Bang Chan was the first to see Hyunjin leaning against the doorway to the living room, that anguished expression stark against his still just-awoken countenance.
His stricken expression told Hyunjin everything he needed to know.
To Felix's surprise, his luggage was very light. Especially given that these two suitcases quite literally carried his entire life in Korea. A wearily drag filled his heart as the fact that these 10 happiest years of his life were now compressed into two suitcases being lugged halfway across the world finally sunk in.
It felt like something was missing and, well, it was -
Because he left the biggest part of his life behind.
As he hefted his carry-on onto his shoulder, he felt a sharp jab to his side, poking from the thin fabric, making him hiss aloud.
“The heck?” He cursed, immediately searching for the culprit.
His hand brushed against a hard wooden frame.
A painting.
Felix’s throat closed up and nose soured once more as he took in the all-too-familiar brush strokes (real, physical ones this time) littering the canvas, the vibrant colours dancing to life before his eyes.
His eyes were raw and red from all the crying but tears blurred his vision all the same.
Layers upon layers of plastic were wrapped around this painting, preventing it from getting any possible stains. It looked so small when he gifted it to Felix but so big when Felix actually held it in his hands. Since the moment Felix assumed ownership of this beautiful drawing, it has been hanging on his bedroom wall.
“It's very clever how he used white to paint like that.”
Felix’s heart welled with a concoction of bittersweetness and longing. Tears blurred his vision and he stubbornly blinked them away. He wouldn't cry again now, at least not until he reached Australia.
He followed the smooth flow of the brush as it etched the slope of his button nose, traced each eyelash with utmost care, and dotted the constellation of freckles on his face. While Felix always believed his freckles to be a charming point of himself, Hyunjin has proceeded to completely overshadow Felix with his admiration for Felix's constellation of freckles. Felix swore Hyunjin could state at them for hours upon hours and not get bored.
Felix's mind conjured up a picture of the painter as he worked too, recalling every mole, hair, and lash.
He stared, entranced, at how he would subconsciously bite down on those plump red lips when he concentrated, how he suddenly moved back to study his painting with narrowed eyes and a cute frown. He admired fiercely how high Hyunjin's standard for his craft is. He holds himself strictly to standards only he is satisfied with. Felix understands that art is something Hyunjin can freely express himself with, whether it be through a song, painting, or dancing.
“The painting took a long time for me to complete because I had to do a lot of thinking while I painted,” Hyunjin confessed. Felix noted the faint dust of pink on his cheeks. He was also acutely aware of the heavy breathing from Hyunjin, having just run back to his dorm to get this painting. “The… ‘vibe’ I got from simply painting the reference picture felt… off.”
Felix mentally burned the image of Hyunjin scrunching up his nose into his brain. Don't you ever, ever dare forget, he scolded himself.
His hand trembled as he touched the painting, treating it as though it was delicate spun gold.
“So I painted it the way I saw you. Painted it with my heart.” His voice was no louder than a whisper.
Felix shivered.
Can a person touch a soul? Of course, he's pretty sure Hyunjin did exactly that.
It was like he was receiving this painting as a gift all over again. He still can't comprehend how this dark ebony frame with the most gorgeous painting Felix had ever laid eyes on could rip his heart out from his chest at just a sight.
It's a painting that money can't buy. A bleeding wound which refuses to scab over.
Loving, cat-like eyes appeared before Felix. "It's the first time I gave someone my painting as a present.”
The loud thrum of the luggages’ wheels on the rough floor dragged Felix from his thoughts. They sounded too loud, too raw given how many times he had walked this path with him by his side.
This time, he was alone.
He took a quick cursory glance of his surroundings. Thankfully, the airport was unusually vacant, mirroring the state of his heart. Perhaps this is one of the few blessings the gods spared Felix. At least he won't be surrounded by paparazzi and sasaengs. There would be no one to document the way he was moping around like a kicked puppy.
“Let me help you with that.” Was that Hyunjin's voice?
Felix tensed, eyes widening and lips parting under his mask. There's no way-
He looked up, hope plummeting as fast as it soared.
It wasn't Hyunjin. His mind was just playing cruel tricks on him.
Great, he's hallucinating now.
The airport staff feigned a polite smile, clearly getting impatient with Felix's lack of response. He repeated his gesture at Felix's bags.
“S-Sorry. Thanks.” He fumbled with his reply, taking a step back before proceeding with his check in.
To say he was affected by everything that happened is a vast understatement.
After checking in, Felix started to head to his gate.
The trek to his gate was so much more tumultuous than what Felix had expected. Each step dragged, like he was chained to some unbearable weight.
Maybe he was.
Maybe he was lugging along his bruised and broken soul with each foot forward.
The imposing gate loomed over Felix, casting an oppressive shadow over him.
“Hyunjin! Wait!”
Hyunjin did not wait.
The bitter betrayal stung, heating up his face as he stormed back to his room. He barely looked as he threw on a proper shirt (not the rumpled and too-small one he wore this morning, turns out it was an old shirt from Jisung) and combed his hair. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw the small compartment in his closet, reserved specifically for Felix with how often he slept in Hyunjin's room instead of his own. Now, it was empty.
Hyunjin's eyes were misty with unshed tears. A million thoughts ran through his head but at the same time, he couldn't form a single coherent thought.
The dwindling rational sense in Hyunjin was at least decent enough to grab a hat and mask in case he ran into paparazzi. In his haste, Hyunjin knocked over an empty bottle of perfume on his desk. He cursed as the bottle landed on the floor, the loud bang stilling his movements.
It was the first bottle of perfume he had ever received. And it was Felix who gave it to him.
As bizzare and ostensible as it was, Hyunjin had kept the empty bottle even after the perfume had long run out. To him, the bottle was a tangible memory. A token of what they shared. What they had shared.
Now, the only piece of Felix he had left. That and his memories.
“Hyunjin.”
Said man looked up to meet Chan's bloodshot eyes. He looked just as wrecked as Hyunjin felt, the purple eye bags under his eyes looked stronger than ever.
It filled him with remorse but Hyunjin ignored him, busying himself with checking for scratches on the perfume bottle.
He knew it was petty. Very petty. But he was irascible and overwhelmed right now with only one single goal on his mind.
Thankfully, Chan only let out an exhausted sigh, all the fight bleeding out of his muscles.
“At least listen to this.” Chan grabbed Hyunjin's wrist. “His gate is 54 and his flight leaves at 8:00.”
Hyunjin managed the feeblest of smiles when he heard that, ignoring the lurch in his stomach.
Chan didn't try to stop Hyunjin again as he left.
Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.
Felix checked the time on his watch.
7:30.
It was almost boarding time.
A profound loneliness blanketed him, settling into the pit of his stomach, wriggling seeds of doubt into his already hyper-imaginative thoughts. Usually, the prospect of returning home excited him.
How could it not? He misses his family in Australia, wants nothing more than to see them again but… Not like this.
And so, Felix did what he did best nowadays - overthink.
He was well aware that he wasn't perfect. All too aware.
He makes mistakes like the rest of them, has regrets and sorrows. He's human to a fault that he doesn't know what to do anymore.
Contrary to what his fans seem to think, he wasn't ‘the perfect sunshine’. His bubbly demour was par for the course with him but sometimes he genuinely wished it wasn't. He felt like be shouldn't struggle with anxiety and insecurity just like the rest of them, even though that's a perfectly normal human emotion. He cannot count how many days he has put on a bubbly mask with alacrity, he also cannot keep track of how many times that mask has cracked.
He tried so hard, fell so far, got hurt so bad yet he's still going on.
What more is life asking for?
His life has been nothing but a rollercoaster of experiences, from travelling to Korea as a trainee, getting kicked out of the survival show, then being let back onto said show, and finally finding his home as a Stray Kids member. Is he selfish to want to get off the ride now that it's catapulting towards a deadly crash?
Preoccupied, Felix's hands acted with a mind of their own, fingers opening up social media apps Hyunjin had made Felix swear to stop looking at.
Don't do it.
Felix swipes open Twitter.
Twitter was quite possibly the worst app to open but it was like Felix was under a spell.
He tapped on the trending tab.
#Hyunlixisreal glared resoundingly at Felix from his screen, the harsh light hurting his eyes. It was instinctive the way he tensed up and shrunk when he saw the posts flood in. Even now in the early hours of the morning, tweets continued to update in real time, rolling in like tidal waves one after another.
He skimmed over them.
“Fags.”
“OMG! Hyunlix is real ajdkfhajfldshl”
“Yall can pry this ship from my cold, dead hands.”
“It's actually disgusting how theyre flaunting this…”
Felix registered all the comments subconsciously, the way he read one hate message and moved onto the next resembled an automated machine.
He felt numb.
“Why is JYP not addressing any of this??? Where's the official statement?????? Are they just NOT going to deal with this huge ass scandal???”
That particular tweet caught his eye, leading him to click on it and read the thread.
“Are they just going to let Felix and Hyunjin deal with this on their own? Let the scandal boil over? It's been two months! It's NOT going away on its own. Im not PR expert but letting this situation stew is quite possibly the WORST PR choice you can make.”
Felix smiled bitterly. Unfortunately, that was exactly what JYP planned to do.
He wanted to put one of them on hiatus until the situation calmed down enough for them to make a vague statement and do damage control, which was way too late in Felix's opinion.
He called bullshit. It doesn't take a genius to see that this situation wasn't fading into the background in a week or two just by staying under the radar. They were going to at least wait half a year for the situation to remotely calm down. Since that picture of Hyunjin and Felix kissing had leaked over two months ago, they have been the hottest topic around, their infamy not showing the slightest sign of dying out.
It was almost like history was repeating itself, only they didn't learn from their mistakes.
Initially, one could maybe describe the response to the picture as positive. A majority of the shippers were ecstatic that the popularity of ‘ Hyunlix ’ had skyrocketed.
Felix had teased himself with the thought of freedom, the possibility that they were no longer resigned to clandestine meetings and illicit touches. He let himself feed the hope of acceptance. A few days later, everything came crumbling down, shattering Felix's heart along with it.
The first hate comment Felix saw stuck to him like glue, branded itself into his nightmares for weeks.
“Fucking fags. Imagine being proud of being ABNORMAL. Go jump off a cliff and do the world a favor. KYS.” – SKZno1fan
Felix's first response was to remind himself that he was an idol, hate comments shouldn't phase him, he was- should be stronger than that.
Then, the reality of it all sunk in and he cried for hours.
He never knew how it felt to literally be hated just for existing, just for exercising a basic human right to love.
Fat, ugly tears streamed down his face as he burrowed his face in the crook of Hyunjin's neck, his hands clutching at the fabric of Hyunjin's shirt like a terrified child. It hurt and his knuckles were turning white but he held on. After god knows how long, Felix felt the gradual dampening of the back of his shirt. He cried harder, knowing that Hyunjin was hurting for him.
Felix has been called ugly before. Been insulted for his lack of talent.
Yet, the way this hurt was a different, new kind of pain, right in the place he was most exposed.
The name of the user further struck a chord in Felix - SKZno1fan.
Were his own fans turning against him?
In the following weeks, trapped in the quiet of his room, Felix spiralled. He blamed himself for this scandal, for causing so much stress to the staff and members. Maybe if he were more likeable, more competent, they'd accept him for who he was. Almost mindlessly, Felix apologized again and again, sorry that he was like this, sorry that he felt this way, sorry, sorry sorry.
He avoided his group mates' concerned gazes, turned them away from his door when they came to check up on him. He didn't deserve it, didn't deserve their love anymore after he has been nothing but a burden. Always, he caused them trouble, made them help him. Aren't they tired of him?
Maybe if he worked harder, practised more often-
.
.
.
In chinese, accidents are called “意外”. Directly translating, you'd get “outside of expectations”. That's the nature of accidents, is it not? You don't see it coming. You never do. Thats's why Felix couldn't recall how he ended up passed out in the training room, only remembering the way Hyunjin had shook him awake, his voice strained from agitation as he repeatedly shouted Felix’s name.
When Felix woke up, his head felt heavy, like it was filled with water. The environmental noises around Felix sounded muffled, making his body overcome with lethargy. But in the sea of dazed semi-consciousness, Felix could feel Hyunjin hugging him so tightly that it hurt to breathe, like he was Hyunjin's only lifeline.
He didn't want Hyunjin to ever let go.
“Don't ever do that again!”
The devastation Felix was met with in Hyunjin's eyes was enough for shame and guilt to wash over him all over again, except this time, it came with a flickering happiness.
He nodded weakly and promised he wouldn't blame everything on himself, that they would face this together. Behind his back, Felix's fingers were crossed.
The cab was suffocating and Hyunjin, being the human humidifier he is, was sweating literal buckets in the backseat.
His leg wouldn't stop bouncing, hands wouldn't stop shaking, and his mind just wouldn't stop thinking.
It was so loud, so noisy, so oppressing.
7:30… He leaves at 8:00. What if I don't make it in time? Should I ask the cab to go faster? But what if-
A pop-up notification from Hyunjin's phone provided a momentary respite from his thoughts. Someone left a new comment under his latest post. It was a welcome distraction that Hyunjin was all too happy to indulge upon.
He thought nothing of it and-
“I guess now we know how Felix got back into the group. By sleeping around with the members.”
A thread snapped. A piercing ring was all Hyunjin heard.
Red was all Hyunjin saw. All at once, the noise in his head quickly quietened into pin-drop silence, his attention now completely lasered onto the comments left under his posts. Things had tumbled and fell so far out of their control, becoming so convoluted and sickening it made Hyunjin's head spin and his stomach flip.
“Disgusting! Fucking KYS!”
“Faggots.”
“The world would be a better place if you were dead!”
“Ew! My daughter is watching this! Shame on the two of you.”
Forlorn misery flooded Hyunjin as he clicked on Felix's page, seeing that it was no better. He daresay Felix bore the brunt of it too.
Why are people so cruel?
Over and over, Hyunjin contemplated that question in his head, turning it again and again, still unable to make heads or tails of it.
Whatever gave them the right to put their noses into his business anyway?
He felt more isolated the further he scrolled. If Chan or any other member were here, they'd definitely harshly scold him for indulging in this, telling him firmly that the people who left these had no lives and only bitterness to feed off on so their opinions mattered naught.
But they weren't. He was alone in a cab, dashing halfway across Korea to get to an airport in time. Why did Felix leave? Didn't he promise to face this together? Why was he always running? Hiding? Why did he never talk to Hyunjin? Did he not trust Hyunjin enough to ask him for help? For comfort? His breathing was getting unsteady, chest rising quicker and quicker.
Stop. It's no use thinking about this now.
Hyunjin squeezed his eyes shut, willing the steamy tears to stay at bay.
It didn't matter if Felix was running. If he was determined to take all of Hyunjin's troubles out of his life and jump off a cliff with them even though that would hurt Hyunjin more than any ridiculous mess he got himself into.
If there was one thing Hyunjin got going for him, it's his determination. Once he decides that he likes it, he's going to get it. He did it once with dancing, he can do it again.
Hyunjin won't run.
An image came to life behind the inky covers of his eyelids.
They lay in bed together, as always, cocooned in their own world. Hyunjin was drowsy from feeling the heat of Felix's body against his own, the steady beating of both their hearts a constant in this swirling storm of uncertainties.
It was a rare night of solace in the recent turmoil.
“Felix…” He suddenly mumbled. His voice almost melted into the starry night, one with the quiet atmosphere of relaxation. A noncommittal hum came from under the covers.
“Don't… You won't leave me, right?” Hyunjin bit his lip, hating how shaky his voice sounded. If he hadn't been so still, Felix would've frozen like a deer caught in headlights. Not that Hyunjin would've noticed either way, he was too tired, the cosiness enveloping his senses was lulling him to sleep.
“What makes you say that?” He felt Felix shuffle impossibly closer. Hyunjin huffed and looked down, blinking slowly at Felix.
“I just have a feeling. You know…” Hyunjin gestured vaguely, slightly shifting onto his back as he faced the ceiling with Felix squished securely at his side. “I feel like you're about to do something stupid.” He teased, eyes crinkling into that dumpling smile Felix's heart beats for.
“You're the one who's going to do something stupid, leader of the paboracha.” Felix rolled his eyes, playfully hitting his chest. The ever hardworking drama queen didn't slack off with his theatrics, feigning a hurt gasp and an inconsolable sob.
“How could you?” A faint pause. “I'll die if you leave me.”
Really, Hyunjin's eyes just love to mist up at all the wrong moments.
Something told Hyunjin that Felix brushed it off as a joke. Hyunjin meant it with his whole heart because as cheesy as it sounds, Hyunjin really would hang the stars in the sky for Felix if he asked.
He absentmindedly twisted the cool couple rings resting on his ring finger. The feeling of their cool resin was nice, refreshing to his burning skin. These were the very same rings he had gifted Felix when he complimented them.
“Hyunjin, where did you get these rings? They're really pretty.” Felix said, holding Hyunjin's hand with his smaller ones. On Hyunjin's index finger sat two resin rings, their black and white glinting under the studio lights.
“Oh, these? Do you like them? I'll get them for you.” Hyunjin promised.
The very next day, Hyunjin bought the exact same rings for Felix and watched with joy as Felix slipped them onto his ring finger, proudly holding it up.
“We match!” His smile was truly the most beautiful thing Hyunjin had ever set his sight on.
Hyunjin moved the rings to his ring finger before intertwining his larger hand with Felix's, pressing a light kiss to Felix's knuckles.
“We match.”
He wondered if Felix was still wearing these rings?
“I never take these rings off. Even when I'm showering or, like, taking off makeup. I just remove these other rings but leave these two on.” Felix once said animatedly in an interview.
Back then, it took all Hyunjin had to not blush bright red on international TV. His heart had felt so full, so content at that moment.
In some way, they had bared themselves to the world, in the form of a pair of couple rings.
It wasn't much but it was a first.
“Meeting with someone?”
Hyunjin visibly jolted, eyes wide. The cab driver just spoke.
“... Yes. I don't know if they'll still be at the airport when I arrive…” Hyunjin didn't know why he was so willing to speak with this driver. The older man's eyes crinkled, deepening the smile lines around his eyes.
“Then call them and ask them to stay. It's that easy~ Aren't young people very accustomed to technology nowadays?”
A dawning realisation slapped Hyunjin right in the face. He really was stupid.
Hyunjin was already dialling Felix's number as the cab pulled up to the airport, pressing call as he paid.
Please, pick up.
“This is the boarding call for gate 54, flight 728B to Australia. We are now inviting those passengers with small children, and any passengers requiring special assistance, to begin boarding at this time. . Regular boarding will begin in approximately ten minutes. Thank you.” Felix watched as family after family lined up and started boarding. The children were buzzing with excitement, their faces split into blinding grins. They looked forward to going to Australia.
Felix wished he could say the same.
By this time, his phone was being blown up by both his members, actually it's ex-members, and their managers. Felix scoffed when he saw their manager's phone number flash across his screen for the 5th time.
Why did they even bother? Weren't they going to do something similar to that anyway even if Felix hadn't up and left on his own?
On a particularly late practice day, Felix had walked past a meeting room on his way back to the dorm, accidentally hearing about an ongoing meeting.
“Things aren't looking good at all. The reception is god awful. They're trending in the worst way possible.”
“I saw the truck.”
The room had then lapsed into a few seconds of tense silence. Felix knew better than to eavesdrop but this was about him as well, no? He ought to have the right to listen in on their arrangements.
“I think we need to put one of them on hiatus.”
Felix’s heart stopped. An icy trickle of horror spilled slowly down his back, making goosebumps rise on his back.
“ Let's put Hyunjin on hiatus.”
“He's been on hiatus before though.”
“That's the point. This will definitely take the attention off Felix even if it brings the bullying rumours up again. We simply can't afford to have both of them in scandal.”
Just hearing that alone was enough to make up Felix's mind. He didn't care if the staff were the ‘professionals’ when it came to marketing and PR, didn't care that they were just being prudent, didn't care that they were just doing their jobs.
He was not going to let Hyunjin go through those six months again.
Felix had told Chan and only Chan. There's no one he trusted more than Chan to understand him, support what he was going to do, and wish him well no matter what happens next.
It was like all those years ago, back at that survival show. When Chan fought for Felix to come back. Now he fought for Felix to be free.
But, if Felix was completely honest with himself, he would've done this even if the staff didn't threaten to put Hyunjin on hiatus and dig up old rumours.
He was doing this for Hyunjin.
For his relationship with his parents.
Hyunjin might not know but Felix sees it in the way he wilts every time his parents call with another scolding, the way his cheeks start hollowing in spite of Bang Chan’s constant care, the way he stares wistfully up at the night sky and counts the stars when they lay in bed at night.
Hyunjin might not but Felix sees through his parents, reads past the look in their eyes, understands their enraged words. In a twisted, muddled way, they’re just looking out for their golden boy, the one who reached for the stars and brought back the moon. They don’t want it all to come crumbling down as much as Felix, maybe even more.
However, they made a fatal oversight, what Hyunjin needs now is their unconditional support, not their overbearing goodwill and “It’s for your own good.”
Thoughtful Felix understands, he always does. He understands now that no matter how hard he wishes, how raw he cries his heart out, he cannot fill up that particular void if Hyunjin doesn’t let him.
He’s not blaming him, he probably doesn’t even know it. But Felix does and he’s willing to make the necessary sacrifices. A few broken promises won't mean a lot in the long run. All they need is just a little push. They just need to see Felix gone and then their minds will finish up the rest.
It's the same with the Internet.
It's funny how minds function. Although one wasn't pious, they rejected everything orthodox, everything that screamed ‘change’. How can one be so unamenable but they’ll also somehow convince themselves that what Hyunjin and Felix shared was nothing but a brief phase, a careless mishap?
Felix accepts that he'll never understand.
Ring. Ring. Ring.
Felix glares at his phone, expecting that it was going to be his manager.
It was Hyunjin.
Every survival instinct Felix had in him screamed ‘ignore’ but Felix swiped ‘accept’ .
“Hello?” Felix spoke, his voice was barely louder than a whisper.
“Felix? Oh god, Felix, wait. It's me, Hyunjin.” As if he needed to clarify that, Felix would know that voice if it was the last thing he ever remembers.
“Hyunjin-”
“Wait, please, Felix. Please wait for me!” Hyunjin sounded breathless, like he was running.
“This is the boarding call for all regular passengers for flight 728B to Australia. Please have your boarding pass and identification ready. Thank you.”
Felix sucked in a breath. Was Hyunjin here? At the airport? Felix knew his gate was far, really far. There was no way Hyunjin was going to make it in time unless Felix missed his flight. This was a doomed fight, a battle ended before it ever began.
“Hyunjin, don't.” Felix said, his voice hoarse. Only hearing his voice was enough to make Felix sag, all the energy seeping out of his body. Maybe he really should wait.
“No! Felix, please. You… You promised you wouldn't leave me.” Hyunjin panted through the phone. Felix could faintly hear the noise of a bustling airport on Hyunjin's side.
“Hyunjin, don't make this harder than it has to be.” Felix whispered. With tremendous effort, he stood up and lifted his carry on to his shoulder, walking to the line of business passengers.
“Felix… Please.” The hurt in Hyunjin's voice stabbed Felix harder than any insult which had been thrown at him for the past week.
Felix closed his eyes, looking at his watch.
Time ticked and slipped away, ever counting their limited time together. Perhaps they were never meant to be.
Hyunjin felt like dying. His lungs burned and muscles screamed, he didn't remember the last time he was so out of breath.
Gate 54… Gate 54…
He cursed how large their airport was. The large numbers loomed impossibly in the horizon, seemingly getting closer but not really. It was a nightmare and Hyunjin was trapped.
Felix had hung up, cutting off the final string between the two of them.
His feet finally arrived at Gate 54, eyes scanning for flight 728B. His heart shattered. In bright words printed neatly on an electronic screen was -
Boarding closed.
He stared blankly as the flight attendants headed through the glass doors, leaving the gate devoid of human souls except for Hyunjin. He collapsed onto the nearest chair as silent sobs racked his body. He wanted to scream but not a single sound left his throat.
His Felix was gone. He let him slip right through his fingers.
He couldn't process his feelings, couldn't process this gut-wrenching despair clawing at his very being. It stung to breathe, stung to cry, stung to be alive. The only mantra running through his head was that Felix was gone, gone, gone. He was never going to see him again, touch his fluffy hair, kiss that gentle, loving smile.
He cursed the world because he finally saw the truth, they were fated to fall from the start. Felix always ran two steps ahead, taking off before Hyunjin even registered what had happened. It was a never-ending game of chase and in the end, Felix won.
Sturdy arms wrapped themselves around Hyunjin's shaking frame. Hyunjin faintly saw the blurry figures of Chan and the members surrounding him, carefully shielding him from the curious stares of onlookers.
Let them look. Hyunjin thought venomously. Let them see the consequences of their cruelty.
That day, Hyunjin lost the biggest part of his life.
Felix absentmindedly twisted the ring on his finger as he looked out the window, staring down at the passing clouds and endless sea. How nice would it be to live unnoticed, unremembered… He looked at the mismatched rings, white and black, Felix and Hyunjin.
Did Hyunjin take them off?
He remembered how worried Hyunjin had looked when he lost the rings at a concert. Even with Felix's multiple reassurances that it was okay, Hyunjin fretted tirelessly over the rings until he had bought a new pair.
In a way, this was their little protest to the world before their secret was so prematurely revealed. It was the truest part of Felix he could safely show the world.
Now even that was taken from him.
He watched as Korea shrunk further and further away, as Hyunjin faded more and more from Felix's life.
Maybe if the stars aligned in our next life, we'd be together, us against the world.
Hyunjin watched soulessly as another plane flew over his head, could only guess which one Felix had boarded.
In his hands, he held his shattered heart but there was no use piecing it back together, he no longer had the glue.
We both know we're done but I'm still missing you.