Chapter Text
It felt like it was taking the video all day to buffer and process. Xavier had warned his other two unicorns that YouTube was rather slow, suggested they try a Vine instead, but Kofi and Big E insisted.
"No! All our heart and soul--"
"And twerking--"
"Needs to be seen in ONE video. All ten minutes of it."
Xavier sighed but secretly smiled. He'd had to put up 40 minute LP vids before, he could tolerate one little get well soon message to captain Seth.
Speaking of which, hanging out with Seth since his surgery kind of sucked now. He was angry and not very careful with who he swung that crutch at or kicked with that cast. He was about to tell J&J security to come get their boy.
But...he understood, kind of. Whereas New Day was fueled by unicorn dust and cashmere socks, Seth was fueled by spite and maybe Instagramthirst sometimes. He was posting three pics of the scenery around his home a day, but he didn't really have anything to be spiteful at anymore except himself. And Seth loved himself...like, a lot. So he damn sure wasn't going to do that.
That left one very unfulfilled man.
But before he got hurt? Oh buddy. Kofi and Xavier would take him out for nights of gaming and drinking, mostly drinking, and watch him talk shit to the other games in the arcade bars and get into the fights about Madden. Seth was literally the best, the best.
But right now he needed...something, Xavier couldn't quite put his finger on what. But it was...something.
The video finally finished processing and Xavier quickly fetched the link.
"Quick, tweet it! Tweet it for the world!"
Big E stared intensely as Xavier blasted the link on Seth's Instagram and Twitter. The three of them waited patiently as the replies of strangers rolled in, and a "LMAO" from Randy Orton.
"Ain't his shoulders fucked up?" Kofi said.
Xavier was about to give up when Seth finally pinged then with a DM.
"Ooh! Answer it!"
Xavier opened the message quickly, which simply read "..."
"Speechless, huh," Kofi muttered.
"NO!" Xavier screamed, finally losing it. Big E held fast to the laptop in case he decided to throw something. "THAT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH!"
Xavier was truly frightening when he was pissed; Kofi clutched Big E partly for comfort and partly as a shield.
"O-okay Xavier, chill out. We'll think of something else."
"I have something else!"
Xavier had that gleam in his eye that Kofi and E knew meant the next thing that came out of his mouth might sound a little unhinged.
Kofi bit the bait first. "Well...what is it?"
"You know what Seth needs? A friend."
Silence, and then Big E answered first. "We're his friends?"
"No, we're his team," Kofi corrected. "I don't think Seth is physically capable of making friends."
"No! I mean, no he's not, but that's why we're doing it. Seth needs a special friend."
Kofi didn't like where this was going, but unfortunately Xavier and E did. He ran his hands along both sides of his head.
"What could make him feel better than setting him up when he's at his lowest?!" Xavier was in it now, like a snake oil salesman, and nothing could stop him.
"Oh my god, Xavier, real life is not one of your little hentai sim games." That stopped Xavier dead in his tracks and he bristled. "You already have someone in mind, don't you?!"
Xavier nodded slowly. "Come by when we're filming the semi-finals round of Madden. Yooou'll seeee..."
Kofi looked between E and Xavier again and realized he was stuck. He sighed.
~~~
Seth hobbled into the Gaming Casbah (aka lounge set up for gaming) grimly and sat down. Xavier and his weird little friend El Murpho were already there, awaiting Curtis Axel's arrival.
"How ya feel, Champ?" Xavier asked, big grin on his face.
"Pretty good all things considered."
"Really?"
Seth snatched his glasses off. "NO! I feel like bullshit and I want my titles back! And no one has even texted me!"
Xavier breathed deeply. "We did."
"I meant someone specific!"
"Mm-hmm."
Curtis high-fived him on his way into the room and set up, hopefully to kick Seth's ass in what suddenly became a very serious tournament.
Xavier turned the camera in and adjusted the mic. "We good?"
"Good!" El Murpho gave a thumbs up.
"WELCOME to UpUpDownDown, I am your host Austin Creed..." Xavier rolled into his intro and watched from the corner of his eye as Kofi and E slid in.
The game got underway and it didn't take long for Seth and Curtis to get lost in shit talk. Xavier drifted back, unnoticed, until he was with Kofi and E.
"Y'all hear that earlier?" he asked slyly.
"Hmm, you know who the someone specific is?" E asked, rubbing his hands together.
Kofi interrupted. "Just how do you know, anyway?"
"I am SO glad you asked."
Xavier leaned back and popped open his trombone case. He took the instrument out and played a tune that Kofi vaguely recognized as the Song of Time from Zelda 64.
The scene before them paused and swirled together into a mass of color before restarting again. Kofi looked around.
"This is a few weeks ago, right?"
Xavier took his two unicorns by the elbow and pulled them along.
"Remember when
We all became friends?
Seth was the cap'n of our team
And this trio was a...a..."
"Quad," E supplied helpfully.
"Oh that's good! Anyway, this trio was a quad!
The missing member of our squad,
And then Kevin made..." Xavier struggled for a rhyme and then shrugged. "Five."
"Th-that's how we stayed alive?" Kofi stuttered. They were inside the arena and looking for empty seats among the rows of drunk fans spilling out into the aisles. They shrugged and stood just behind the commentary table and watched their past counterparts gleefully wrecking Roman's team.
"I mean, we were never at risk of dying but anyway.
Look at him go! The warm, evil glow!
Punching Dean in the face cause he's a disgrace!
He looks so happy to be here
And be near...the one he hooolds dear~"
Kofi raised an eyebrow. "Dean?"
"No! That would be weird.
Look at the way he's taunting that loser
Feeding him to the prize fighter
And our resident bruiser!"
Big E pouted but didn't say anything.
"I feel like I see where this is going, but again how do you know?!"
Xavier sighed in exasperation. "Do you know how hard it is to think up expository songs on the fly? Do you? Can I get ONE verse, Kofi?"
He picked up his trombone and played the Song of Time again, and this time they were transported to just a few hours prior to their survivor match.
Past Seth and Kevin were talking in the hallway, Kevin managing to loom over the taller Seth and looking as menacing as he ever has. Xavier's tempo became more aggressive as he tried his song again.
"Who could be more evil and conniving?
Who could be more ruthless and rude?
Who could turn your hate up to eleven?"
E cupped one ear to perfect his falsetto. "Keviiiin!"
"It's true!
Seth looks like he's gonna call him sempai,
And always gets like this when he's nearby
And he knocked Dean out like a lullaby
And now I feel like Kevin likes him too!"
Kofi watched the scene with interest. "Now that you mention it, Seth does...well, he don't fuck with Kevin."
Xavier nodded enthusiastically. "They make the perfect evil power couple!
Like a gay Steph and Trips!
There's just one problem and you'll think I'm a liar..."
E rubbed his chin and pondered on what could rhyme with liar. "Um...barbed wire?"
"Kevin's kind of with...Tyler."
E's face dropped. "No! Breeze? Really?"
Kofi, suddenly feeling the beat, grabbed his other two unicorns. "Wait!
We have a stronger case!
Play the song and take us back to that gaming place!"
Xavier played the Song of Time once again and warped the trio back to a barcade from a few months ago. Xavier had started recording until Seth got out of control drunk and got into a fight over Mortal Kombat II.
"I beat your dumb ass fair and schquare!" Past Seth slurred at the hapless college kid. "Who's the man!"
"I'm still a Dean mark!"
Seth jumped the kid like a newborn giraffe. Kevin, looking highly put upon, broke himself away from what was surely a riveting conversation with Tyler Breeze to attend to Seth's ribaldry.
"Look at our boy," Kofi muttered. "He's...a joy."
"Remember that night Kevin had to get ya boy?"
"Oop, you can't rhyme a word with a word, E."
E silently swore and fell back.
Xavier replaced him. "I remember this night,
I remember this place!
I remember when Seth got all in that man's face!"
"And Kevin was there
For some reason
And got mad at that man in his personal space."
Kevin bearhugged Seth and positioned him as if for a suplex. He brought Seth's head down to whisper in his ear like some kind of Drunk Wrestler calmer. Seth whined something back at him but slowly melted into a heap in his arms. Kevin nodded at his work and slowly let Seth go. Once his fingers had unlaced completely, Seth stayed still for a moment. Then, in a flash, he was up on the college student again, pounding his face.
Kofi shrugged. "I don't know what happened that night,
Except Kevin clearly said let them hos fight.
Then he joined in." Again as if on cue, Kevin assisted Seth in ganging up on the man who was already curled into a ball on the floor. "Yikes."
E found his voice again and chimed in. "I'm surprised we didn't hear about that later." He jerked his thumb behind him to a very grumpy-looking Prince Pretty gripping his martini glass so hard it was in danger of shattering. "But Tyler back here looking like a hater."
Xavier regarded the scene and his past self cracking up in a corner. He slammed his fist into his palm and took up his trombone again.
"I hate to break them both apart
and break Tyler's pretty heart,
but I kinda got dem Rowens feels!"
He played the Song of Time again and various scenes of Seth and Kevin rolled past as they were transported back into the present.
"But we're gonna break them both apart
and break Tyler's heart--"
"Because--"
"We're--"
"HEEEEEEELS!"
Seth, El Murpho, and Curtis turned slowly as New Day hit various pitches of "high notes". Upon realizing they'd been discovered, the trio quickly put their arms down and pretended to adjust various articles of clothing.
"Uh, how'd the game go?"
"Weren't you here?" Seth asked, looking confused. "And what were you singing?"
"Singing is but an illusion, young Seth," E said, coming in with the quick save. "By the way, what are you doing next week?"
"Oh, I dunno, E," Seth mumbled, chucking his controller at the furthest wall. "Feeling like shit some more?"
"Great. Keep doing that, and we'll keep in touch."
With that, Kofi, Xavier, and E scrunched together and moved as a unit out of the room, giggling mysteriously.
Curtis hummed and started helping El Murpho pack up. "You hang out with those guys, huh?"
"I...yeah."