Chapter Text
I
JULY 1909
(JIMMY)
When Jimmy was younger, his mother and father had assured him everyday that he was an extremely beautiful boy— the most beautiful in the world, in fact— and that he would probably become a dashing man, and, as his Pa used to say, ‘ collect swooning birds like buttons ’.
It always disgusted Jimmy a little.
After all, he hadn’t found any girls to be very appealing. He found girls boring, at best— and at worst they were a mocking and insufferable sort. He much preferred to spend his time with the boys and he did, as often as possible.
Boys just knew how to have real fun.
They dared each other to pilfer sweets at the shop, and to put fish juice in the teachers’ hats or hide toads in girls coat pockets and every time they succeeded on these jokes, every time someone was shrieking or running, Jimmy laughed and laughed and laughed and felt happier than anyone could ever be, anywhere on earth.
***
Once, during the summer, just after Jimmy had turned nine, he and the boys went for an adventure by the bank.
Just ask Jimmy, it was going to be the best day there ever was and ever had been.
They weren’t even planning on doing anything in particular, exploring the (well-explored) bank, playing with sticks and rocks.
Then, as it happens, a dare was started on who could piss the furthest. Jimmy had found it jolly fun, as ideas went and his mate Benny—who wasn’t very shy and who strolled around the village wearing only a sleeveless undershirt and suspenders trousers (which were a good look on him if you asked Jimmy and not his mum )— had, at once, unbuttoned his trousers and got his thing out in the open for everyone to see.
Immediately, Jimmy had flushed up to his ears.
All the boys had laughed excitedly and had encouraged each other to join Benny on the side of the bank. Jimmy had only been staring at Benny’s penis, dangling out of his bunched down pants.
It was at least four times as long as Jimmy’s and three times as wide. He gulped uneasily, and looked around to see if everyone was as shocked as him.
“Jimmy?” Benny had called. “Y’comin’ mate?”
“Oh, er, no, I had a piss already… er—earlier,” Jimmy had said, startled, his mouth dry as a desert and shame colouring his cheeks.
Benny, who had spent hours right by his side, frowned in disbelief, but then only shrugged, carefree as ever. Soon enough anyway, there were four other boys beside him that had gotten their cocks out and, to his great horror, any fancy Jimmy had had about Benny being exceptionally endowed went flying out of the window.
It wasn't that Benny was exceptionally big, it was that Jimmy was pathetically small .
As all the boys were cheering around him, Jimmy felt his eyes prickle and his throat tighten. He took a little while to properly understand the emotion that was making him about to choke and that was the most debilitating bit of shame he had ever suffered in his young life.
He didn’t stay to see who had managed to piss the furthest, deciding instead to retreat discreetly and then to run home.
He climbed through the woods and rocks and ran through the field so fast his lungs hurt. He knew that really, it was only a quarter hour walk from the bank to his home, but it felt like he ran through the whole of Great Britain, from Inverness to Bournemouth, without ever seeing his house at the horizon.
When he had arrived home, he didn’t even kiss his mother hello and just rushed to his room.
He vaguely heard his own door slamming, and he dropped against it, effectively blocking it from intrusions, then opened his trousers and pushed his pants down.
He inspected himself.
It was as Jimmy always remembered it, but now, he could see how little it was. Barely there, really, like a sample version of the dangling member of Benny’s own. Of all the boys' own.
Jimmy’s vision troubled and he bit back a whimper.
“Jimmy?” called his mother just behind the door. “Are you alright honey?”
“Yes,” Jimmy croaked. “‘M fine.”
Even he could hear the lie in his voice.
“Mmh,” mused his mum behind the door. “It’s fine if you don’t want to tell me, but maybe you’d fancy a cuppa? Miss Hortense came by with fresh honey from her bees. Pa’s coming home soon today too.”
“I’ll come out for a cuppa,” Jimmy said, his voice small. And then after a silence. “Thank you, Ma.”
His mum chuckled and put her hand on the door.
“Do me a favour, my little, don’t grow up too fast, will ya? I’ll have all the time to see you mope about when you’re all bigger and older —”
Jimmy bit back a sob and got up on his feet and fastened his trousers.
He opened the door slowly to see his mum smiling softly, and the flash of hurt when she saw he had shed a tear or two.
“Oh, c'me here baby,” she said, opening her arms. “Let’s go make that cuppa shall we? Oh, and next time you dare slamming your door, I’m smacking you on the head, don’t think you’re too old—”