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The cool breeze turned into violent gusts of wind. A fleeting, misty cloud escaped his mouth as he yawned. He looked at his watch only to be struck yet again that it stopped ticking since the day life stopped for him. It’s a force of habit, twenty five years of it, and he still hasn’t registered that his watch stopped telling him time when he no longer cared about it. But then things started to change. Certain moments started carving their way through his mind, certain days became engraved in his memory, certain dates were now important to him. Days stopped feeling like a broken tape repeating over and over and over again. Time was now worthy of being monitored because he was no longer a soulless being. But life is not that kind, it took away the one thing that resurrected him. Apparently, he didn’t deserve to feel alive. And yet, he tried, he waited for her in the unforgiving weather of the pitch black sky. He went inside to grab an extra coat and black coffee to cure the numbness in his fingertips. He made his way back to the porch, huffing as he sat back down on his creaky chair, mug in hand. He didn’t know how long he’d been staring at her house across the street, an alarming thought crossed his mind. She might’ve returned while he went inside for these few minutes. He quickly decided against it, partly because he is too desperate to believe he failed to have that meaningless conversation and partly because lights were off. She could be asleep inside but he chose to ignore that possibility. Several cricket sounds later, his eyes began drooping, his empty mug sat beside his abandoned guitar. Blink after blink, soon he surrendered to the drowsiness of his mind and dozed off on the creaky chair, the threatening wind failing to wake his fatigued figure.
But a familiar light tap on his shoulder awakes him like he was never asleep.
“Get inside, you’ll freeze yourself to death out here”
He blinks repeatedly, unsure of what to say, wanting to say too much but his tongue isn’t cooperating. The pause is too long.
“Good night” she turns to leave, he needs to say something, he spent all night waiting for her, it shouldn’t end like this. She reaches the end of the porch, he has to react now.
“Wait” he says a bit louder than he intended as he stands up.
She looks at him, tilting her head. She doesn’t look mad, or repulsed. For one brief moment, she looks like her fourteen-year-old self. The one that doesn’t hate him. He braces himself then says: “Happy birthday, kiddo”
She looks at the ground, a moment or two pass, for him it feels like a lifetime.
“Thanks, Joel” she says quietly, still staring at a spot on the ground.
It’s the first time she says his name since he told her the truth, he blinks away tears, convincing himself it’s just the wind. He wants to say more but words die on his tongue.
He can’t ask her about her feeling finally being 18. He can’t ask her how she’s planning to celebrate. What new experiences she’s willing to try. How she’s doing on patrol. He can’t ask her if she’s eating well. If she still has nightmares. If she wrote any new songs. Because what if she pushes him away? Because he has no right. Because she made it clear she wants him out of her life. Because he doesn’t deserve her. Because that is his punishment. His payment for his sins.
“Ellie?” He says after a while.
She sighs, then looks at him.
“You…” a deep breath “Are you going to be at Tommy’s tomorrow?…for dinner?” He says hesitantly, unsure if that tradition still applies even with their broken relationship.
“I…I’m not sure” she says, again, avoiding meeting his eyes. “I’ll see if I can” she rubs her neck.
He nods. Another beat of silence.
“I gotta go”
“Yeah okay…Goodnight, Ellie”
“Goodnight”
She didn’t say his name. That’s the lasting thought that keeps repeating in his head as he crawls to the warmth of the bed. Maybe she really can’t forgive him. He glances at the book on the bedside titled “An Idiot’s Guide to Space” and refuses to lose hope.