Chapter Text
“I wish I knew you back when we were both small,
I wish I knew you but I have gotten too tall.”
Eight years prior to the events of Taking Me Back.
Simon comes close to changing his mind a million times, but he doesn’t act on it until Sara is already in the entryway to his apartment, waiting to pick Alba up. His sister agreed instantly to watch her niece for the weekend while he took some ‘much needed’ time to himself.
He was weak when he made the request, wrapped so tightly in the heat of his duvet, face smothered into his pillow, so he could weep without his daughter hearing him. He dreamt of being in bed with James and once again he woke without his husband's arms around him. He had hoped that making a fresh start in his home country would help with his grief, but it’s barely made a difference.
It has been two years already since James’ death, but Simon thinks it will never get easier. He misses touching and being touched in return. He misses sharing the highs and lows of his day with someone who wanted only the highs for him.
It was this want that made him able to act on his sordid desires. If he couldn’t have his husband, then maybe he could have the only person who could ever compare. It’s like his mind conveniently forgot that that person belongs to someone else now. As his fingers danced across the screen, he thought only of himself.
I need you, please come.
When he hit send the switch flipped, he hoped he had changed his number, he prayed he wouldn’t reply, he wished he hadn’t done it. However, when Wilhelm replied not even three minutes later, asking when and where, it felt like the kindling of his soul had been sparked alight. So, he made his plans for the affair with the only person worth crossing that line with.
Now, two days later, he feels fine. Well, as fine as a widower can be. He feels numb and numb is the best kind of neutral he can ask for. Simon keeps oscillating between calling the affair off and letting it happen. The fog of grief has temporarily left his mind and has not so kindly reminded him of Wilhelm’s position. All of them: Crown Prince, Husband, Father, HUSBAND.
“I’m already here. I’ve got plenty of fun things we can do together. She’s going to be fine.” Sara tries her best to ease his mind, but little does she know, that’s not the thing he’s worried about.
“I trust you, it’s just that-”
“You deserve some time to yourself, Simon. Catch up on whatever you need to or just rest. You’ve been going non-stop since before the move. I’m taking Alba with me, if that’s a problem then you can come with us,” his sister says, putting her foot down.
“Yeah, fine,” he concedes and turns to his daughter. “I guess you’re going with tia and I’m staying here, baby.”
“Don’t worry, Dad. I’ll make sure we don’t watch too much TV and that I go to bed on time,” Alba tells him.
He can’t believe how grown up his eight-year-old is, how similar she is to him at that age. Both had to shoulder some familial responsibilities, the difference being that he had to step up because Micke chose to be absent in more than one way. James didn’t choose to leave this earth and Simon didn’t choose to be so broken by it.
“That’s my girl,” he pulls her in for a hug and pecks her on the top of her head.
While she’s there she gets up on her tiptoes to whisper in his ear. “Don’t be alone the whole time, okay?”
The fact that Alba knows he needs company right now almost breaks him. His sweet girl, he can’t keep anything from her for long. Sometimes Simon wonders who is really taking care of who here. He stands back up, tucking a stray strand of hair behind her ear.
“Don’t you worry about that, I’ll be fine. I’ll call Rosh if I need her,” he reassures his daughter. He hugs his sister goodbye and thanks her for her help. “I’ll pick her up Sunday morning.”
“Don’t rush. We’ll be fine,” Sara says, picking up one of Alba’s sleepover bags. “Get some rest, you look terrible.”
He scoffs at her. “Thanks.”
Simon manically cleans the apartment once he’s alone. He’s not expecting Wilhelm until late, so he keeps his mind and body preoccupied with tasks he’s been putting off. He unpacks a few boxes they’ve put aside because they only contained non-essentials. He orders some groceries to be delivered on Sunday. He takes a long, thorough shower and tries to enjoy it.
The guilt doesn’t come back until night falls and Simon sits down alone to eat a meal. His bowl of meat and grains suddenly tastes earthy metallic in his mouth. He pushes it aside and moves to the couch, where he curls up and tries to get his thoughts under control.
He hasn’t slept with anyone beside James since before he met his husband. Simon’s friends in California tried to get him to go out on a date months ago, but that was a disaster. He has spent time thinking about what James would want for him, what he would want for James if the tragedy was reversed. What is an appropriate amount of time to wait to move on from the person you thought you would be with forever?
He doesn’t know, Simon thinks it’s too soon, yet his body begs to differ. Since he sent the message, he’s had spikes of arousal paired with swoops of anxiety and guilt. All these feelings and he doesn’t even know for sure if Wilhelm will agree to do what Simon wants. Does he know why Simon asked him to come? Did he even know that Simon was back in Sweden when he responded so suddenly.
Simon’s heart is pounding so hard in his chest that it feels like hiccups. He starts to trail down the path of canceling this clandestine affair when there is a knock at the door. He gasps for air, but it feels like none is making it into his lungs.
Wilhelm is standing beyond his front door and his mind is telling him to forget the man and go to bed, but there is a rope made of desire tethered to his chest and it pulls him forward, towards the gateway of sin. He knows once he opens that door there is no going back.
His hand trembles reaching out for the lock, and he fumbles trying to get the door open. When he finally pushes the door out to reveal the person he hasn’t seen in over 10 years, Simon feels lightheaded. There the crown prince stands, perfectly statured and solid as ever. He tries to find the young man he had left all those years ago, but the man in front of him has changed. To someone on the outside it might not look like much of a difference at all, but to Simon- who once knew the placement of every freckle and every scar- it’s enough to make him doubletake.
Wilhelm is impossibly taller and incredibly broader in the shoulders. His jaw is squared and more defined than ever and his neck reflects the strength needed to support it. The freckles at the bridge of his nose and across his cheekbones have gotten lighter and more dispersed. Simon’s personal favorite spot that usually sits in the dip of his lip is gone. It will only belong to him in memories now.
“You’re actually here,” he finally says. He hates how breathless he sounds.
The prince nods, gaze scanning Simon’s features just as intensely as he had. “You said that you needed me, so here I am.”
Simon just keeps staring, entranced by Wilhelm’s beauty. The prince’s eyes eventually fall to the ground, and he shuffles his feet. “Should I come in?”
It breaks the spell and Simon backs up so he can welcome his ex-partner into his home. He’s fully trembling now, on the verge of something- a breakdown maybe but he pushes the feeling away.
“Simon,” the prince says, and it sounds so good to hear his name fall from those lips again. It’s like his ears had missed the sound. “Are you in any trouble? Are you… okay?”
“I… I don’t know why I asked you to come,” he says slowly, trying to remember anything from before he opened that door.
“Come on, yes you do.”
“I need…” He tries to get the words out, but his eyes start to fill with tears from his emotional and physical exhaustion. “I needed…” He steps forward, closer to Wilhelm and reaches a hand out slowly. Slow enough for the prince to stop him but he doesn’t. He lets Simon touch him, so Simon grabs hold of his jacket and pulls them closer together.
“Tell me. What do you need? I want to help you.”
Simon can’t get the words out; he lets the drops of saltwater fall from his eyes and starts to sob. His legs feel weak, and he thinks he’s going to sink to the floor, but Wilhelm catches him.
“I wish I knew you when touch was innocent,
I wish I knew you before it felt like a sin.”