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The door to Kate’s office swished shut behind him and Rodney automatically went to what he had come to call ‘his’ chair and sat down. “Morning, Kate.”
Kate glanced over her shoulder from the desk where she was pouring them both cups of coffee. “Morning, Rodney. How are you?”
He shrugged and yawned. “Fine.”
Picking up the two cups, she walked over to the couches and sat down, handing Rodney a cup. “Rough night?”
Rodney rubbed his forehead. “A bit. We’ve had worse.”
John had woken up at two in the morning from a nightmare, trembling and crying silently. He had gotten up and stumbled across the room to Rodney’s bed and crawled in with him. Rodney had wordlessly shifted over and taken his friend into his arms and tried to calm him down.
It always took a few hours of quiet murmuring and reassurances until John remembered where he was and that he was safe and drifted back to sleep.
Months ago John wouldn’t get up to go to Rodney and would instead lie in his bed, crying and shaking with fear until Rodney woke up and went to him.
It had always irritated Rodney. If John would make some sort of sound while crying then Rodney could wake up earlier and comfort him before he had spent hours lying in terror by himself, thinking he was back in that cell and Rodney was a guard or Kolya.
After a few nights of that, Rodney had made it clear to John that if he had a nightmare, he should get up and come to his bed and wake him. Rodney would rather share his friend’s sleepless night than have him live through his terror by himself.
“Does the night lamp help?”
Rodney nodded. “He likes it. He points at it all the time and smiles. I think it helps keep him a bit more oriented when he wakes up from a nightmare.”
“Has he spoken about his nightmares?”
Rodney gave the shrink a look. “He never says anything, Kate. You know that. He doesn’t even cry out when he falls and hurts himself and he doesn’t even whimper when he cries. He’s not going to start having conversations with me out of the blue after not speaking for months.”
Kate gave him a reassuring smile. “He might, Rodney. Like Carson said, there is no medical reason John doesn’t talk—”
“I know, I know. He stopped speaking while he was being tortured by those filthy sons of bitches to keep himself from telling them anything important and like you keep telling me, he’ll eventually start speaking again, but honestly, I don’t see that happening.”
“Why not?”
Rodney huffed with irritation. “Because he knows we’re not with the Genii anymore. He knows he’s on Atlantis and that he’s safe. I think he just doesn’t want to talk and forgot how.” He realized he was nearly shouting at the therapist, but he didn’t care.
“You’re still angry.”
“Of course I’m angry!”
“Like we’ve discussed Rodney, your anger doesn’t help John. It only confuses him and makes him think that he’s the one who angered you.”
Rodney took a deep breath, trying to stay calm. “I know that. I’m more careful about it, I swear. I don’t snap at him, I don’t yell and I try to not argue with people when he’s around, but it’s hard. I mean, those bastards took my best friend and took everything away from him, except for this little scared kid who’s all that’s left over. And that’s all I want to say about that because if you couldn’t tell, I’m getting even more mad and I don’t need to be in a bad mood. John and I are going to the mainland to go to the beach and I don’t want to upset him.”
Kate nodded and allowed Rodney to close the subject for now.
“Have you spoken to John about him going back to Earth?”
Rodney shrugged. “He doesn’t remember Earth or anything about his life there, so really, I don’t see what difference it’ll make.”
“He’ll be put in an institution, Rodney. That will be a huge adjustment for him. I think he really needs to be prep—”
“He’s not.”
“I beg your pardon?”
“He’s not going to an institution.”
“Rodney, John isn’t capable to taking care of himself, you know that. He’s a danger to himself.”
“You think I don’t know that?” There was the anger again. Rodney forced himself to calm down again and took a few deep breaths. He decided now was as good of a time as any to tell Kate what he had been agonizing over for days and what he had spoken to Elizabeth about for hours the day before.
“I’m going back with him.”
“I know you’re accompanying him back, Rodney, but as for the long term—”
“That’s not what I meant, Kate.” He leaned forward and said the next part slowly as if talking to a preschooler. “I’m going back with him for the long term.”
The therapist stared at Rodney in the exact same way that Elizabeth had.
“You’re going to permanently leave Atlantis?”
“Look. I know what you’re thinking and this has nothing to do with me wanting to run away from my demons. Okay, maybe it kinda does. Let’s just say that the Pegasus Galaxy and I aren’t friends anymore. I’m sick of it and I want to go back home. But that’s not the point. I don’t want John to be put in an institution with strangers. He’s my best friend and we’ve always taken care of each other. Just because things are different now doesn’t mean I’m about to throw him out the door. I know why he can’t stay here anymore and if I have to resign my post here to stay with him, then that’s what I’ll do.”
“John is more important to you than your research here?”
Rodney stared at her. “Yes, he is. He’s family and family always comes first. I’ve spoken with Elizabeth and everything’s arranged. Radek is going to take over as head of the science department and I’m going to stay long enough to brief and train the newbies SGC is sending over next week. After that, John and I are going back to Earth, find a nice, quiet little place where he can run around and not hurt himself and I can do my research. I’ve got enough money to take care of both of us for two lifetimes each, never mind just this one. Besides, I’m not going to give up my research. There are plenty of things I can do without actually being in another galaxy or some god forsaken place like Antarctica or Siberia. We’ll be fine.”
“As long as you’re doing this for the right reasons.”
“And what would be the wrong reasons?”
“Staying with John because you feel guilty over what happened to him.”
Rodney took a deep breath, ready to scream at her that they had been over this ad nauseam, but then remembered that if he yelled, she would make their session longer and John was waiting down in his lab for them to go to the beach.
“I’ve never taken care of John because I feel guilty. Besides, what would be the point? John doesn’t remember that they tortured him for protecting me. He doesn’t remember that he’s like this because he refused to let me talk. As far as he’s concerned, I don’t owe him anything. The point is, John is my best friend. He trusts me and likes me and we both enjoy life a lot more when we’re around each other. I want to keep him around me just as much as he wants to keep me around him.” Rodney put down his coffee cup and stood up. “And now if you don’t mind, I have a jumper to load up and a beach to get to.”
* * *
After loading all of their supplies into the jumper, Rodney checked to make sure their grunt escorts were ready to go and then walked back over to where John was sitting on a storage crate, happily munching on a power bar Rodney had given him.
“You all set to go or are you just going to sit there and get fat?” Rodney asked, picking up his pack.
John’s face erupted into a smile as he rocked back and forth, his shoulders shaking with silent laughter. It always amazed Rodney how easily he could make John laugh. His eyes would light up and his whole face would just express such enjoyment that Rodney had a hard time remembering that he wasn’t a five year old kid but a nearly forty year old man.
John hopped off the crate and ran up the ramp into the jumper and automatically sat down in his seat in the back.
Rodney followed him in and rummaged around in his pack and pulled out his music player. Handing it to John, he pressed play and made sure John put the headphones on properly.
The grunts were busy sealing the hatch, starting up the jumper and clearing their launch with control.
John sat back, closing his eyes and listening to his music.
Rodney had no idea what he was listening to. John liked everything Rodney downloaded onto the player whether it was classical music or top 40 hits. John seemed to have lost all of his musical preferences along with everything else. Rodney was glad, since it meant he had tons of music to keep John occupied during these moments.
They had learned months ago that John’s mind was still perfectly capable of turning on ancient technology with just a thought.
His thoughts were usually not coherent enough to produce any dangerous results, but the problem was that John always freaked out when he made something turn on without meaning to and he could potentially blow something up.
So it was best to keep John occupied while they were in the jumper, just to avoid having John think it into landing in the ocean.
This was the main reason John would be forced to leave Atlantis soon. Their home had become as much of a danger to John as he had to it.
John wouldn’t mind sitting there and listening to his music, smiling quietly. From time to time, he would start clapping with excitement and would get up and shove one of the earphones into Rodney’s face and wouldn’t calm down until Rodney put it into his ear and listened to whatever favourite part of a particular song John was listening to.
Rodney would listen and either agree with him or scowl and critique the hell out of it and then hand it back to John, who grinned at him and sat back down, always pleased to share something with his friend.
They got to the mainland in record time and John was about to run out of the jumper while the ramp was being lowered, but Rodney caught his arm.
“Not so fast, Sheppard. You have to let the marines check it out first, remember?”
John pouted but waited for Lorne and the other marines to exit first and check out the perimeter, before they yelled back that it was all clear.
They took a short walk down to the beach, John always trying to run up ahead but always being called back by Rodney. He didn’t care if the grunts thought he was being over protective.
When they reached the beach, John ran right up to the water and started splashing around in the waves, his smile brighter than the sun. Rodney put down his lawn chair and pulled out his sunscreen and yelled for John to come over and put some on.
The marines spread out, allowing themselves to enjoy the day and collect some botanical samples that Beckett needed.
Rodney kept his M9 hidden in a towel beside him, making sure to keep it out of John’s sight.
A few weeks ago, John had picked up a P-90 that some idiot grunt had left lying around. He had fiddled around with it until he had managed to take the safety off without realizing it. Moments later, he had squeezed the trigger and not only shot everything in the room to pieces but barely escaped having his own head shot off.
He had immediately run into a corner and cowered there, scared about the loud noises and the chaos around him, certain that the guards would come and punish him for it.
Half of Atlantis had come running at the unexpected noise and Rodney had been furious at the lieutenant who had left his weapon lying around. He had done his best to hiss at the lieutenant while trying to comfort and reassure John at the same time, who had pulled his knees up to his chest and was rocking back and forth, shaking with fear.
Rodney hated remembering moments like that. They were too much like the days the two of them had spent in that hell hole.
* * *
Kolya had wanted Rodney.
Or more specifically: Rodney’s brain. Kolya wasn’t a stupid man. He knew that if he hurt Rodney too badly, Rodney would break but would be useless, too focused on his pain to be able to do any work. So instead, he used John to try to entice Rodney to help them.
Just before they had come to take John away the first time, John had grabbed Rodney’s chin and looked him straight in the eye and made him promise not to give in, no matter what. Rodney had been on the verge of protesting but at seeing the serious expression on his friend’s face, he had agreed. John had even made him promise.
Then John had grinned and clapped him on the shoulder and exclaimed that this would be over before they knew it.
It was one of the last things John said to him.
They always took John first before coming back to get Rodney and making Rodney watch whatever they did to John.
Rodney would clench his jaw and stare straight ahead, trying to block out the screams and sobs. He was doing this because John had asked him to, he kept telling himself over and over again. He forced himself not to cry, kept his mouth tightly shut and from time to time would catch John looking at him out of the corner of his eye and see a pleased twinkle momentarily flicker in the hazel depths.
After a few days, Kolya started seeing that Rodney wasn’t going to crack so he changed tactics. He wanted tactical information on Atlantis so he could get the knowledge he wanted himself without having to yank it out of Rodney’s head.
First he tried getting it out of John but that was when John decided he wasn’t going to speak anymore and no matter what they did to him, not a single useful sound escaped his lips.
So Kolya changed tactics again and ordered his guards to get Rodney instead.
John went absolutely crazy. He leapt at the guards and smashed one’s head into the wall and nearly succeeded in strangling the other one before a third one had recovered from his shock and used the electrical probe to get John away.
Then the guards had pointed their guns at Rodney, threatening to shot him if John didn’t back off. John had grabbed Rodney and shoved him into a corner and covered him with his own body, nearly suffocating Rodney but preventing them from carrying through with their threat.
By the end, they would always end up taking John instead and trying to coax some answers out of Rodney, but Rodney stuck to his promise and kept his mouth shut, even when they managed to make John scream again.
Every night, Rodney would pull John into his arms and try to sooth the tremors that permanently wracked his thin, broken body and would whisper that they would get home soon, that they’d be alright, that it was nearly over.
He never let himself cry, not even when John started staring off into space for long periods and smiling blankly for no reason. John slept plastered on top of Rodney, scared that he wouldn’t have time to cover Rodney if the guards came in while they were sleeping.
Every inch of Rodney’s body was covered by John’s and John would jerk awake at odd times and start frantically running his hands over Rodney’s body. Rodney never really understood what John was checking for but would let him finish his frantic examination, whispering reassurances that he was okay.
Then the guards would come in again and John would frantically cram Rodney into a corner and cover him, eyes narrowing and ready to kill them if they tried to touch Rodney.
Rodney wasn’t sure when the damage to John’s mind became permanent. He became so accustomed to being the center of John’s world that he failed to see when he became the only thing in John’s world.
Atlantis and the rest of his life faded away, the only things that remained being a feverish need to protect Rodney and not to speak.
When the rescue team finally barged in, John had grabbed Rodney, crammed him into a corner and covered him, snarling and glaring at the team, not recognizing Major Lorne or his other marines.
It had taken Rodney ten minutes until he convinced John that these were their friends and they could trust them.
That was fine until Major Lorne innocently put a hand on Rodney’s shoulder as they were walking out of the complex. John grabbed Lorne, punched him and shoved him into the ground and wrapped his hands around his neck, squeezing until Rodney pulled him off.
Then John had grabbed Rodney and frantically yanked him away from the bewildered marines, keeping Rodney behind him until they hit a wall and then stopping, John not taking his eyes off the rescue team.
That was what the first two days back on Atlantis were like. John refused to allow anybody to touch Rodney while he was there, not understanding that they meant Rodney no harm.
When they couldn’t keep John away from Rodney, they tried to restrain him but John struggled so harshly and clawed and kicked and tore at the restraints until he had torn one off and nearly broken his wrist with the other.
They decided to allow John to stay with Rodney for the time being and John would climb onto Rodney’s bed, frowning and fingers examining every inch of him until he was satisfied. Then he would follow what had become their routine and lie down on top of Rodney, making sure every part of him was safe and then tucking Rodney’s head under his chin, glaring at whoever was within eyesight.
John gradually started getting accustomed to certain people on Atlantis. He started learning his way around the city and even learned to associate certain people with their names.
For the first two weeks, he wouldn’t let Rodney out of his sight and he wouldn’t let anybody touch Rodney. Even now, people had to be extremely careful when they were around Rodney for fear of setting John off.
But he was getting better.
The brain damage was permanent, but Rodney became determined to make his friend’s life as normal as possible. They watched movies together, ate together and spent their days in the lab.
John would follow Rodney around, doodling on the whiteboards or folding pieces of paper into strange shapes or playing with some of the harmless ancient gizmos Rodney had lying around.
Sometimes Rodney would give him a laptop to use for the day and John would spend hours sitting in a corner, slowly and methodically pressing various keys and typing rubbish.
At a certain point, he would deem it finished and he would gleefully print it off and show it to Rodney. Rodney was always careful not to patronize John if he could help it. He wouldn’t oh and ah over John’s little creations, but he wouldn’t ignore them either. He would sit down and study the jumble of letters, symbols and numbers and would point out certain things that almost resembled words and equations and would correct them or find some random pattern in the rubbish.
Then Rodney would nod and tell John to bring it to their room so they could put it up on the wall. John would grin happily and nod, bouncing around, so thrilled with having created something that Rodney liked.
* * *
Rodney shook himself out of his memories as he watched John running down the sand, arms flapping as he imitated one of the seagull like creatures circling overhead.
“You need feathers if you want to fly, Sheppard,” he called over.
John spun around and laughed silently, clapping his hands and then went back to running around and trying to fly.
Rodney smiled and leaned down to unwrap one of the sandwiches he had brought with them. “Flyboy, get over here if you’re hungry. Otherwise, I can’t guarantee there’ll be anything left.”
John abruptly abandoned his flying and ran over to Rodney and sat down beside him, unwrapping his own sandwich and starting to eat. From time to time, John would tap Rodney on the leg and point at one of the seagulls circling over head and they would sit and watch the blue-green birds for a moment until they faded from sight.
“We’re going back to Earth soon, John.”
For a moment, John’s eyes widened and he looked terrified.
Rodney quickly leaned forward. “Together. We’re going together.”
John immediately calmed down and went back to staring up at the seagulls and munching on his sandwich.
* * *
Rodney thought John had forgotten all about their conversation, when later that night, he woke up, feeling John crawling into bed with him. He moved over and John draped himself over him and put his head down beside Rodney’s.
Rodney was drifting off to sleep again, so accustomed to John getting into bed with him that he hardly woke up anymore.
Then he heard John shift slightly and felt his lips by his ear. “Together?” he heard a thin whisper.
Rodney froze, stunned at hearing the first words out of his friend’s mouth in months. He was careful not to act as surprised and happy as he was. Instead, he nodded.
“Yeah. Together. Always. That’s what best friends do.”
John lifted his head and grinned down at Rodney.
“Together,” he repeated, grinning widely before laying his head back down on Rodney’s shoulder, either pleased with the concept or with the sound of the word.
Rodney swallowed a lump in his throat and put his arms around John. “Yeah.”
Rodney wasn’t sure if John completely understood that they were leaving soon and that Rodney wasn’t going to leave him, but at moments like these, Rodney was sure that at least John was happy.
John was quiet for a moment before he let out a happy sigh and relaxed against Rodney, quickly falling asleep.
Rodney stayed awake for a long moment, chasing thoughts about the future around in his head before pushing them away. What would come would come and no amount of fretting would change it.
Just as John had said, the only thing that mattered was that they were together.