Work Text:
It all started when Eren Yeager decided to grow his hair out because 1. He didn’t care and 2. It would be less conspicuous on the battlefield in Marley. First thing he needed was proper hair care. If his father and mother taught him anything, it was proper hair care can fix many sins. He didn’t want to fuss with bringing multiple bottles in his standard issue backpack so he looked up “shampoo conditioner combo” on google and found one for long hair. The trouble with long hair was that he needed to tie it back sometimes so he looked up “hair bands” because like hell he was going to ask Mikasa or one of the other girls for a hair band.
The next time Eren decided to google was when he was getting very satisfied with his hair but noticed that Jean was growing out his hair too. He was growing into himself, from an awkward foal to a magnificent stallion and it pissed Eren off. Jean was even growing out his hair into a look he called a “mullet” and Eren thought it was so stupid he resolved not to go anywhere near that cut, he would have long luxurious locks, not a mane. Now, Eren knew how to field end a horse, with a quick shot between the ears but he wanted this more painful but still accurate to the animal so “how to put down a horse” was next in his search history.
Before leaving for Fort Slava to join the battle Eren got desperate and looked up “brain bleach”, maybe if he forgot his memories and memories of the future he could go on, un-aware of the upcoming catastrophe.
When nothing useful came up in his search, he took a breath and typed in “stoicism”, he would need that in the days and months to come. Rule number 1 was ‘Not worrying about things you have no control over’, since all that was to happen had already happened in his mind he made sure to compartmentalize that.
Sitting in the filthy trench, Eren’s trembling hands quickly typed up “how much does it hurt to cut your own leg off” as the slow internet buffered, he looked at the knife next to his leg with trepidation, he might be crazy but he didn’t particularly enjoy pain.
His leg was sitting about a foot away from him and his eye was gone in a quick stab, and yet that was the least of his current troubles. His remaining stub of a leg was steaming, he was about to regenerate. Fuck, his screen was smeared with blood by the time he typed “how not to regenerate like a lizard”
Eren surreptitiously hid his phone under the scratchy hospital blanket, “titan shampoo” was his next target. He was meeting his brother ‘The Beast’ and what better way to great long lost relatives than with a gift. Being the Beast, Zeke had a lot of fur but as a Yeager, Eren was sure he was fastidious about his hair too. If he didn’t like it, Eren could use it for his titan, when he crashed Willy Tyburn’s party in a few months, the eyes of the world would be upon him and far be it from him to have unkempt hair, even as a titan.
His brothers visit had left him with more questions than answers and what better way for questions to be answered than google? Thank the walls for spell correct because yewth- youthinasia- euthenasia- “euthanasia meaning” was hard to spell. Screw his brother and his big pompous words like “genetic neutering”, who even talks like that?
With everything in motion it was time for Eren to do one last search. “How to Apologize”. He had so many people to apologize to, Mikasa, Armin, Ramzi, even Jean. So many people and he wanted to do it right, at least he would die doing something right.