From the fabric of a flag that sang "love all of the time"

by forget_my_face

Summary:

There weren’t many mandatory moments in a music career in the scene they moved around, but Warped Tour was definitely one of them. Being probably one of the most awaited events of the year, it was more than just a tour, some kind of huge bands meet up where you reunited with old friends, and at the same time see new faces breaking out their first shows.
Even more than that, there was a band he was looking forward seeing more than anything.

Notes:

Heyo, before anything else, I had a bunch of technical issues when posting Part 4 so please make sure to check it out if you weren't able to, or else there will be some plot holes.

Anywaaay, here we are with the so awaited, way too long, part 5, the Warped episodes! You know I had to add something with this event, it's such a key point in the scene and gave me lots of branches of the plot to develop. Please note I never once (sadly) went to a Warped Tour, even less on the side of the bands, so I'm not toally sure how accurate my description of the place is but well, this is sort of how I imagined the whole deal from pictures, videos and interviews of the artists. Now, I know Thursday didn't go to warped in '05 but in '04, but circa actually was there in '05 so I just mixed the two events, and this part does take place in 2005.

There are a bunch of things I'd like to say about this, but at the same time don't want to spoil and just let you read, I'll just say I'll give virtual cookies to anyone that knows The rocky horror picture show and will appreciate the brief part about it. Oh yeah, I definitely need some kind of crash course on how to choose the damn tags so again, if anyone volounteers, I can pay with the thousands of pictures I collected of these people.

TW!!!: mentions of drug use and dipendence, all of these are set in chapter 2 and a small reference in the end of chapter 7 so please, if you get upset by any of it, skip those chapters!!! (chapter 2 is safe from the middle until the end)

Thank you so much for everyone that's been following this series and for the interest you have in it, it really means the world to me and it just motivates me more to create! Have a good reading of this way too long part, thank you again and enjoy!

Chapter 1: We've been waiting for you

There weren’t many mandatory moments in a music career in the scene they moved around, but Warped Tour was definitely one of them. Being probably one of the most awaited events of the year, it was more than just a tour, some kind of huge bands meet up where you reunited with old friends, and at the same time see new faces breaking out their first shows. It would’ve been a huge lie if he said he wasn’t waiting for that occasion for the last months, since they received the invitation letter.

It wasn’t Thursday’s first Warped tour for sure, but since War all the time they got to play in bigger stages, have more dates added, and have the chance to open for a few bigger bands. One of which, and he would’ve quoted what Geoff had said in that New Year’s Eve of ’01, was actually my chem, to their happiness.

They would’ve been in the studio in the next months, almost all of the songs for their 4^th album had at least a skeleton structure, and he knew too well their restlessness to get to work in it as soon as possible. That was a chance to have fun with some old friends, and even more than that, there was a band he was looking forward seeing more than anything.

They reached their first venue almost by night, the show wasn’t until the next day, but they always tried to get as much of an advance as they could. The shows had pretty spread-out dates, they would be covering roughly the whole month of July and half of August, which meant going around a lot. He didn’t mind though, they were his family after all.

 

-Well well, if it isn’t American post-hardcore band Thursday from New Jersey!

None of them had to wonder a lot to know where that voice had come from, and they greeted Frank and Mikey with a smile.

-Hey Frankie, how has it been so far? I heard you guys are knocking them all out!

Geoff had always some kind of pride in his voice tone when he talked about how big that band had gotten, and Tim was sure that the my chem guys themselves saw him as some kind of band caretaker.

-Oh it’s been… it’s pretty crazy, way more people than we expected. You’re always working, aren’t you?

Tim shrugged with a smile as Frank pointed at the bass rested on his lap, he knew he had a point but at the same time there was a bassline that had been scratching the back of his head since the beginning of the journey and hell he would rest until he got something out of it. Mikey also smiled and sat next to him, asking him to play what he was working on. Many times Tucker said they were a funny pair, both of them barely talked but, sit them together with a bass for more than five minutes and they will not shut the fuck up. He had a point in that.

-It goes something like this… I think it would work for a chorus, I’m not sure yet though.

He played the melody again, switching it a little from how it was before.

-Woah that’s really cool. I think it could carry the chorus. – Mikey said smiling and nodding along, signaling him to repeat it again.

He must’ve caught Geoff’s attention, that was still chatting with Frank, because he turned around with the look they could only describe as “you better remember that because if it doesn’t go on the song I’ll burn your bass”.

-What is that?

-I’ve had it in my mind the whole day, I think this part is nice but I can’t figure out a possible verse.

It was pointless to explain further as Geoff all but ran into the bus, probably rummaging for a piece of paper. Mikey shook his head laughing, everyone knew how similar Geoff and his brother were in this.

-Where are the others?

-Steve is probably working on some editing, Geoff and I shot some short videos with the meanings of the War all the time songs he wanted to publish. Andrew is taking a nap, Tom and Tucker… - he stopped to think, a small smile growing on his lips, - they are around.

He was expecting how both of their attention turned on in a second, Frank immediately sitting on his heels next to him.

-Ohh what does that mean?

-Are they…

- They aren’t really dating per se, not yet at least, but they’re getting there. Taking things slow and all.

He had no doubt his two best friends would take the next step soon, nonetheless he was happy of the care and attention they both put into it. After New year’s they pretty much buried the whole deal, until some months before, when Tom left the house to grab a coffee with Tucker and came back with the biggest grin he had ever seen.

-That’s awesome, I’m really happy for them! We’re doing a little meet up after Pete and the others get off stage, if you want to join us.

-Sure, count us in.

The two of them left, waving and chatting loudly about their most recent show. There was always a very specific atmosphere about that event, he could call it some kind of moving emo Woodstock in some aspects. He went back to his bass, plucking at the strings until Geoff stormed off the bus, scribbled paper in his hands as he sat next to him.

-Okay, go again?

He complied with the request and heard Geoff humming a melody, he could barely distinguish the words in it, it seemed as he said “no way out”. They kept that loop for a bit before Andrew peaked out of the van, eyes still swollen with tiredness.

-We are keeping that right?

-You bet we are.

 

 

They had already done half of the first branch of shows, and the tiredness, heat, constant moving around, chaos and loudness was starting to have its effects. They left the stage, the last notes of War all the time echoing in the air as the cheering crowd accompanied them off. Tucker took his shirt off and almost emptied half water bottle on his head, Steve following suit.

-It’s too goddamn hot to play, we can’t do shows at 2 fucking pm in mid-July.

Tim nodded in agreement with the guitarist as they almost fell on the grassy ground behind the stage, trying their best to dry off the sweat on their forehead. The air was almost heavy for the heat, and worst of all it was still, no sign of wind or even a faint fresh breeze.

-I’m heading to the bus before I get cremated out here. You guys coming? – Tucker asked, and was immediately joined by Andrew and Steve.

-I’ll just catch up with Gee for a bit, just to check on him and all… I’ll see you guys soon.

Tim followed him with his eyes as he hurried behind the parked buses and vans. None of them was really aware of what was going on with Gerard, they just knew the outcome of it, which was finding him passed out in a different corner of the festival ground every night. Geoff was trying his best to keep the situation under control, and he knew the rest of the my chem guys were as well.

-Are you two going to stay cooking there?

-I’ll be there in a second Tuck.

The drummer smiled widely at Tom and hurried back to the van with the others, Tim seriously wondered how it was possible that they started exploring their feelings for each others only now.

-It’s going well, I see. – he said turning to the taller boy, that just grinned and nodded with an energy that was not giving justice to how tired they were at that moment.

-It is, it’s all so… natural? You know I was scared things would be awkward or something, but it comes so easy, nothing really changed. I mean, it did but, not our bond you know?

-I’m really happy for you two Tommy.

And he was, he watched them run around each others for around eight years now, seeing them finally happy and true to their feelings was what he had hoped for both of them.

-Do you think you can get married by next year? I have a bet with Steve I want to win.

-Oh fuck off, yeah?

They started laughing, it was almost unreal the idea of them actually getting married, it was one of those things that felt belonging to a “grown up and stable life”, something that they still didn’t get to experience, and felt very far away from any of their plans.

-Hey, sorry, do you know where I can find Tim Payne?

The loud sounds from the band that just went on stage made it almost impossible for them to hear what the person had just said, Tim putting a hand in front of his eyes to try and shield the sun light and see who was talking.

-He’s the bassist of that band, Thursday, I’d really like an autograph but I’m worried he might not-

As soon as his eyes adjusted to the light he jumped up, wrapping the boy in front of him in a tight hug.

-Anthony! What… what are you guys doing here? I thought you had the dates in August.

The singer smiled brightly at him, eyes glimmering with excitement as he kept his arms around his waist.

-Yeah, but two weeks ago they gave us a call and added one week in July! Crazy uh? I still want my autograph though.

They laughed together, warmth washing all over him as he couldn’t take his eyes away from the younger boy, now greeting Tom happily. He was waiting for this moment since he heard first of the band, even more after he found out they played in the same festival, and the idea of sharing that experience with Anthony sent sparks throughout his whole body. He secretly wished one day they would be able to even share a stage, to sing and create together with the same ease they had when they spent days just talking and playing.

-Warped tour uh? That’s pretty big man.

-Yeah, it’s… definitely! It’s so cool though, half of the bands I went seeing in the last years are all here.

-That’s one of my favorite parts. Believe me, after a while it becomes nothing more than a huge friends meet up.

Anthony nodded, an excited grin painted on his face as they made their way back to their van. Tim stopped by to greet the circa guys, they were also excited but all of them had bands before, this world was less new in their eyes. Now in Anthony’s eyes… it seemed as if he was trying to take it in all at once. He looked around constantly, tapping on Tim’s arm every time he saw a band he liked, he was more energetic than a kid in a toys store.

It didn’t take him long to see through that energy, noticing how he kept bouncing his leg, how he fidgeted with the cigarette in his hand, that seemed to just regenerate whenever he finished it and threw it on the dried grass. He was well aware of his tendency to… overanalyze, let’s say, capturing even the smallest detail that seemed out of place and get immediately alarmed, but at the same time he knew too well Anthony didn’t have it easy, he was aware of the amount of things not even he knew of that could still hurt the boy, and he couldn’t really stop that urge he had to protect him.

It was only the two of them outside the van when he gently laid a hand on his shoulder, shaking him off his  thoughts.

-Ant? Are you doing okay?

Chapter 2: Cut me gently, cut me out of mind.

Summary:

There was a reason he tried so hard to bring himself to normality, to be fair two, the second being that he wanted to actually enjoy the experience, but the first was that Thursday also played in those days of August. And Thursday playing meant that Tim would be there, and if Tim saw him like that… he would know.

Notes:

Please remember the TW about drug addiction and drug use in this chapter, skip until its half to be safe!!!

-Are you okay?

-Hm? - he raised his head questioningly; he didn’t even notice Colin approaching him.

-I’m asking if you’re okay.

Smile, not too much, and nod.

-Yeah, sure! I’m good.

And repeat. He wondered if they had started noticing the pattern, he should change his answer a little. He didn’t like how Colin’s eyes lingered on him one second longer, the idea of him seeing through the lie getting his nails back to the already damaged skin of his fingers.

He couldn’t really say when it started again, that is, if it ever stopped. It began as just a few joints in between friends, mostly his band, it numbed the voices in his head enough to make him actually able to feel the world around him, rather than see it through stained glass. A few quickly became a lot, and that momentary calm seemed to slip away with every exhale, reality kept hitting him and screeching in high pinched screams around him. He got the hang on how to get unprescribed anxiety medications pretty fast, their effect was harsher, numbing, it wasn’t new to him. What was new is how much he started relying on them.

In their shared apartment, everyone respected the other’s environment, giving him the chance to stuff the small orange bottles in drawers, old shoe boxes, under his bed at times. It was supposed to be just a safety measure, the assurance that he had them at all times, whenever needed. He should’ve been alarmed, “whenever needed” should’ve alerted him of a dependency. He figured it didn’t really matter, many people were addicted to the so-called white drugs, and this made him feel good.

Good maybe was an overstatement, or he was convincing himself of it.

 

-Anthony? Anthony!

He blinked slowly, they were in the van? He didn’t remember getting there.

-Are you listening? You’ve been off the whole day.

-Hm, yeah sure. I’m good.

Nick sent a side glance to Brendan he decided to ignore.

-I was asking if you felt like trying to do the whole album today.

Nod, smile, laugh. It was easy, maybe he wasn’t aware of how much they knew.

Lights on, sing, dance, get in the van, repeat.

 

Get up. He had to fucking get up. He had no idea why, but this time it was heavier than the others. The ropes that held him tight left burnt marks on his skin, they ripped it apart when he twisted in their grip.

-Is he still sleeping?

-Yeah, I think so… we need to talk to him, Nick, how are we supposed to accept the offer from Warped with him in this state?

The voices came muffled from the hallway, he wasn’t paying much attention to them anyway. Warped, that’s true. They received the invitation one week before, as the new “groundbreaking emo band” of the scene, they pulled a last-minute invitation for them for around four shows in August. Now, he knew Brendan had a point, he was in no condition to take up that commitment but, on the other side, it would’ve been too much of a big chance for them to deny the offer.

Maybe the idea of being the cause of a general disappointment in his band gave him a strong enough push to get up from bed, stumbling out of the still dark room. Both his friends turned around as he stepped in the hallway, he purposely ignored the worried looks that suddenly painted their faces.

-I’ll take a shower, call Colin and Steve to rehears this afternoon. We’re going to Warped.

His lips curved in a smile that, for the first time in months, was actually genuine, not some failed attempt to prove everything was alright.

 

In the weeks leading up to the tour he actually managed to get better, not letting go of his numbing escape, but recovering part of the energy that had seemed to have abandoned him completely. There was a reason he tried so hard to bring himself to normality, to be fair two, the second being that he wanted to actually enjoy the experience, but the first was that Thursday also played in those days of August. And Thursday playing meant that Tim would be there, and if Tim saw him like that… he would know. Even more, he had dreamed of playing in the same festival, venue or even tour with him since he saw him in that chilly evening in Philadelphia, he wasn’t going to allow himself to fuck it all up.

Luck seemed to be with them when, in the last days of June, they received an urgent call, five spots had opened up in the tour and the management wanted to give them the dates. That same night they were on the bus, excitement finally showing as they spent the entire driving singing along to all the songs, revising, Nick was even able to somehow grab his bass, uncomfortably squished between the seats, and tap along some rhythms. They managed to arrive the next day, he couldn’t really hide the disappointment of having missed Thursday’s set for ten minutes, but he still ran towards the stage in hope to find them still there.

 

-What?

-I asked if you’re doing okay. You look pretty tensed, I know it’s perfectly normal when you play in tour but, just wanted to make sure.

Tim. Tim that always knew more than he showed, that always saw right through his walls. Tim that made him forget why at times he hated being alive so much, that set the blood running through his veins again.

-Yeah, it’s the nerves… this is all so new, and it’s not even the crowd you know? It’s all these bands, they have so much experience and years of career, it’s really hard not to make comparisons.

-All those guys started just like you did now, they are just happy there is one more band in our community. I don’t think you can compare though.

-Why?

The bassist turned with a smile, there was a certain energy he had every time he was in these environments, in his environments, that made him feel almost dizzy.

-Because what you have, - he pointed at him, the small pause of effect just giving Anthony enough time to notice how he had gotten more built up since he last saw him. What was up with him. -, what you have it’s something no one has done before. You’re going to knock ‘em dead Anthony, I’m sure of it.

He mentally slapped the part of his brain that said “kiss him already”, what was the matter with him. Except that he knew exactly what the matter was, he knew it just as he knew how big of an effort he was putting in ignoring and denying.

They spent the rest of the night together, his bandmates joining them shortly after and getting a chance to meet the “famous Thursday boys”, as Colin used to call them. By the end of the night, Anthony thought he was losing it a little. After the next day, their show just a few hours before Thursday, he was sure he was going insane.

Thing is, he wasn’t blind. Since the first time he ever saw them play, the first time he ever even talked to Tim, he knew he was good looking. Hell, he was seriously handsome, and he was no stranger to how his looks and behaviors changed once he stepped on stage. He did a good work in the last years of ignoring these considerations, or at least tried his best to, but now… there was something about their proximity, something about sharing that experience maybe, or the everlasting energy that seemed to be pumping in his body at all times, even too much. Maybe it was the fact that Tim kept turning around during his performance to where Anthony attentively watched him, or the hug he received once he stepped out of the stage for the first time. It could be how they seemed to be together at all times, magnet restlessly attracting each others, he couldn’t help but wonder if they would collide.

 

-Thank you so much for coming out here to hear us play. We are Circa Survive…let’s fucking dance!

He thought it was a lie when artists said you’d eventually get used to the crowd’s response and excitement, every place had its different energy and he just absorbed it all. Even stranger to him was seeing people signing back at him, they really heard their music that many times to learn the lyrics? He knew they only sang part of it though, and there was something almost freeing in that. Everyone signing back his pain, singing back about how lost he felt, maybe all of them felt a little bit lost as well. That’s what the band was really about after all, being lost and learning to survive together, he wondered if he even knew how to.

As it was their third show, he almost expected seeing Tim’s eyes glued on him when he risked a glance behind him, the boy immediately shooting him an excited smile. There could be something about that too, how he knew Thursday was working on a new album and yet, the bassist took all the time to see their shows, arriving before to make sure he was okay and staying after to talk about the show, listening to Anthony’s frantic rants with those sweet and attentive eyes.

 

-Frank.

-What, me?

Laugher echoed around them as the small guitarist shot confused looks at him. He liked their company, he had barely noticed how big the group of people around them has gotten. Apparently the very appealing question “If you could be reborn as a movie character, who would you be?” thrown by Tucker had attracted a considerate amount of people.

-No, not you Frank. Frank n Further.

-From the rocky horror?

It was the first time Gerard had spoken in the whole night, Anthony didn’t want to be mistaken but he saw a small spark in his eyes as he nodded.

-Fuck yeah, from the rocky horror. He’s my hero.

-Oh god, you guys have no idea how many times he makes us watch that move. – Brendan rolled his eyes, he knew deep down he liked it too.

-As he should! Let me tell you something, - Geoff put a hand on his shoulder, getting closer to him almost as if whatever he had to share was for him alone to hear, - once I asked the guys to come with me to an open-air cinema to see it, they were giving it for the anniversary, and they refused to dress up with me!

The rest of the band exploded at that, all talking on top of each other’s as Geoff burst out laughing.

-Nooo no, say the whole story, you liar.

-I’m sorry but I’m not going out in stockings in the middle of January with fucking snow everywhere!

Tom’s comment just seemed to entertain the singer more, that just shook his head and commented “weak”. Anthony turned to Tim with a false betrayed look.

-You turned down a rocky horror dress up? Right when I thought we had something special?

-Oh come on, Ant! I’m not getting pneumonia for Geoff, no offense.

-Shame on you… - he shook his head theatrically, pulling out a laughter from the older boy that made his cheeks paint of a faint pink he hoped went unnoticed, - I would’ve gone.

-You’d make an amazing Frank N Further.

There are moments when, in the middle of chaos, loudness or in their case, just a bunch of young adults talking on top of each others, it’s the hushed phrases that really stand out. And that’s what Tim had just said, to be fair almost whispered, was. It was back, that intensity that made his hands itch, that led sparks flow throughout his veins, that made his mouth go dry in an unfamiliar way. He forced out a smile, it was a compliment after all, but the bassist’s eyes kept glued on him, and he’d turn around if he wasn’t drawn to them like a moth to a flame.

Notes:

I will do a signed petition for Anthony to dress up as Frank n Further one day or another, that'd be one hell of a sight I'd never recover from so yeah, if you agree you're welcome to join in. (this is actually me manifesting it because it's something potentally possible)

Chapter 3: Don't look away.

Summary:

-Anthony? Is everything okay?

Suddenly, he seemed to have forgotten why he even went there, or better, he remembered but swallowed back the words in his throat.

-I, uhm… can we take a walk?

Anyone would’ve told him to fuck off, that it was three in the morning, or insisted on what was going on. Not Tim though, no. Tim just smiled, his warm and comforting smile, and went over to him.

Notes:

Before you read this, just wanted to let you know Spotify shuffled stage 4 fear of trying, miss me, sleep cult and damn living together while I wrote this so yeah... you'll understand how that felt.

Maybe it wasn’t the best idea, but he wasn’t sure what else he could do. He felt it growing as he walked around the buses and vans, he knew he was aware but feared it might slip away soon. He hated it, hated relying so much on someone, if he had any idea how crucial that feared that kicked in him just moments ago he wouldn’t have been so hard on himself for seeking out.

His bunk supposedly was almost under the last window of the bus, he hesitated before tapping on the cold metallic surface. Nothing. He knocked a little harder, if he had been completely aware he’d be terrified to accidentally wake someone else up, yet his mind was hanging tight around the assurance that he would be the one getting up, he would find him. He heard some shuffling, soft steps running along the bus, a click made him turn around as the small door opened slowly. Tim looked still half asleep, blinking through the glasses he so rarely wore. As his eyes landed on Anthony though, he could see the shift in his expression clear as day, eyes immediately becoming attentive as he closed the door behind him.

-Anthony? Is everything okay?

Suddenly, he seemed to have forgotten why he even went there, or better, he remembered but swallowed back the words in his throat.

-I, uhm… can we take a walk?

Anyone would’ve told him to fuck off, that it was three in the morning, or insisted on what was going on. Not Tim though, no. Tim just smiled, his warm and comforting smile, and went over to him.

It was strange to see such a loud place so silent, aside from the chirping of some cricket hiding in the low grass. He didn’t have a direction in mind, more than walking he just followed Tim around, that seemed to know the place better than him as he slowly led them out of the festival zone.

He wasn’t really sure for how long they just wandered around, the scenario around them was so plain he felt like they hadn’t moved at all. The lights of the stages made him understand they had been going in circle, until Tim stopped, sitting down with crossed legs on something that seemed like a little hill. Joining him, he threw a glance at the bassist, he seemed calm except for that small frown that, when he knew wasn’t directed to him, he found sort of sweet.

-Do you want to tell me what happened?

His voice was low, he didn’t seen annoyed, let alone angry, but Anthony had seen through him enough to hear the concern he was attempting to conceal. Where could he start from? Did he even know why these things happened, did he want to know?

-You remember when you came listening to Juturna? I told you to not stay around the woods for too long because it’s easy to get lost when it turns dark, because it happened to me once.

Tim slowly nodded, and he had to take his eyes off his or he’d lose the fight against that constant magnetic pull they had. He swallowed roughly, the walls were craving in and he was terrified, he had been so much so that he put all his efforts in raising up sheets of deceptions to cover what was hidden inside.

-I didn’t… I didn’t get lost. I don’t remember much, I just felt like… like I could do anything in the world and my body wasn’t enough to contain all of that. Colin… - he cleared his voice a little, he tried to run away from the memory of his friend’s face folding in an unspeakable pain for the past year.

-Colin found me, a day later. I wasn’t hurt, I was just walking on the edge of the intersection.

He could hear Tim’s breath itch, he could see what he looked like even if his gaze kept insisting down on the ground.

-That’s… that’s at one hour by car from your cabin…

-Yeah, weird right? I don’t remember that, I don’t know if it was fatiguing or what path I took, really.

He laughed a little, it’s what he did best when he felt anyone was seeing through how much he was struggling.

-Did you feel it again?

A questioning hum pushed Tim to ask again.

-That restlessness. Did you feel it again today? Is that why you came to me?

His lips were sealed, mouth dry as he slowly nodded. Of course he would understand, he always understood, sometimes he wished he could just see through him and save him, pull him out of that jet black pit just as he did for him years ago, in the dim light of the empty bathroom. He heard the other get closer, he felt his hands being taken and it almost stung how soft the touch was. If he turned around, he’d cave in. He couldn’t.

-Thank you. Anthony, I’m here, you’re not going anywhere okay? I’m not letting you go anywhere.

He needed that anchor, he needed to be tied to the ground and let the seasons pass over him, let the dead leaves rest on his limp body until he could feel reality again.

-Have you talked to anyone else about this?

Another shook of his head, he became aware of how tight he was holding onto his hands only by seeing his knuckles painting themselves in white. Tim didn’t seem to be phased though, he didn’t pull away, he let him grasp and hold on to that last piece of apparent safety.

-You need help. No, no Ant look at me. – he pulled him back as he tried to get up. He was like those spies in movies that, once caught, have to bite on the poison capsule to not give any information to the enemy.

-You need someone to help you with this, it’s hurting you.

It felt strange hearing another voice that wasn’t his pronounce those exact words, and when he did sit back down and looked at Tim, a black wave of guilt washed over him, almost drowning him. It was so caring, too caring, there was an affection in that look he couldn’t bare, he didn’t deserve.

-Who cares…

-I do.

The answer came fast, too fast.

-I care, Anthony, and your guys care, Geoff, Tom, Tucker, Andrew and Steve care, Frank and the others care.

They shouldn’t have, that’s what he wanted to say, they shouldn’t have waisted their time caring.

-I know it’s not easy asking for help, but you can’t keep feeling this, you can’t…

His heart felt heavy as he saw Tim clearing his throat, jaw tensing a little as his eyes became watery.

-You can’t let yourself live like this, Ant. You deserve to live, not survive.

Cold water hit his face, and his whole body got caught in a tight frozen cage. Survive. It was easier to just survive, he wished he didn’t feel so desperate to live and could just let himself drift away.

-What if it gets worse, knowing what’s going on?

The other nodded and wrapped his arm around Anthony’s hunched shoulders. He almost forgot about the still intertwined hands, it felt so necessary that the feeling became part of him, a small light in the maze he kept getting lost in.

-If it becomes real, you can fight it. You can overcome it, and you can live. I’ll be there, you understand?

He had to look away, his defenses were falling down, his deceiving curtains slowly turning to ashes right in front of his eyes.

-I’ll be there through all of it, I promise you.

He felt the arm around his shoulder shift, a hand cupping his face with the gentlest touch there could be. He had to leave, his mind screaming at him to get up, run away, he couldn’t let himself go.

-Anthony, I promise you.

He failed. Of course he failed, a loud bang as the walls crashed on the floor, leaving him choking in the dust. It was soft, soft as everything had been with Tim, just a delicate tap of his lips against the other’s, just enough for their warmth to pervade him and make him addicted. He couldn’t. He didn’t dare to look at him when, moments later, he parted away from the kiss. He laid on Tim’s shoulder, hiding his face in the crook of his neck, warm tears streaming down his face as he kept his eyes shut close.

He could hear the other calling him, shaking him a little, but he stayed there, maybe if he stood still long enough he’d make the moment not real. Strong hands wrapped around him as he sobbed softly, and oh how he wished Tim could know the tears were for him, were for how he knew that he would just damage his life, for how guilty he felt for pulling him in his destructive spiral.

No words were spoken, not while they laid there, not when the bassist helped him on his feet and led him back to his bus, not when they parted ways. He felt so heavy, so overwhelmed by it all. He let himself fall back on the free seat, careful to not wake up any of the others, fighting his mind to push away the feeling of Tim’s hands, his arms, his soft lips, he hated how safe it was, how fitting, he hated how he already longed for it as if it had been a lifetime.

Notes:

Once again I am so sorry, and once again I promise you I'll make it up to you.

I know the struggle of asking for help is common to many, but please reach out when you need, find your comfort and safe people, know that whatever there is, there will always be someone caring to hold you up and go through it with you. Sending everyone much love <3

Chapter 4: If we say these words, it will be too late to take them back.

Summary:

He found Anthony’s deep blue eyes glued to him as he turned around, and it hit him again. What the hell were they doing?

They should’ve talked about it. He cursed himself throughout the whole next day, when both them and Circa finished their July shows, when he gave Anthony a hug goodbye and felt him sight against his chest. He cursed himself during the rest of the month, his mind playing back every single detail of what happened, during studio sessions, back at home. He felt it, he felt it since the day Anthony got there, how the air got heavy around them, the small buzz of electricity sparking in between them, he just didn’t know someone was going to act upon it.

They were on the road again in no time, headed to complete the last week of Warped, in August, and he wasn’t sure if he dreaded the arrival or wished it could’ve come sooner. He realized it was the second, as a hint of relief mixed with a higher tension took hold of his body once Steve parked their van.

 

He walked fast through the bands designated area, it was almost night and they should’ve had already arrived. The thought that Anthony didn’t want to see him pervaded his mind, maybe he just had to keep away until the week finished, let time pass and try again once the matter was buried. There was no way he was letting him deal with his issues alone though, no matter how resistant the other could be, no matter if he hated him even, he had to make sure he got the help he needed.

-Hey, Tim! You guys arrived today too?

Steve approached him with a smile, patting him friendly on his shoulder once he greeted him.

-Yeah, we’re doing the last week. Have you seen… is Anthony around?

-Oh, he actually headed to your van some minutes ago. We barely arrived, and he was already looking for you.

A quick “thank you”, the usual “see you on stage”, and he was off again, quickly walking between the loud groups of people. He steadied his breath, trying to calm his nerves as he saw Anthony and Tucker chat, laid on the side of the van.

-There he is, the man of the hour! – Tucker pointed at him with a smile, and Anthony turned to face him with a look… he couldn’t really read in between, there was expectation, a little excitement, but he couldn’t help seeing something apologetic in it. Nevertheless, he grinned as he joined the two, magnetic eyes shooting captivating sparks. -Hey Timmy. Your band abandoned you.

He must’ve looked confused enough for the two of them to burst out laughing, he noticed they particularly liked each other’s.

-Geoff is off with Gerard again, - there was nothing good in the sound of that phrase, but he’d ask about it later, - Andrew and Steve went meeting up with Trav, and Tom…

-Yes?

-He said he found a spot. See ya!

With that he almost flew away, and Tim thought he had never seen anyone fit the category of idiots in love as well as those two did.

 He looked back at Anthony, that stretched out another smile similar to the first one. He didn’t really know why he made his way inside the van, nor why the singer followed him almost as they had agreed upon the relocation. Closing the door behind him, he felt himself grow impatient, he couldn’t really pinpoint what he was expecting so much, but it was enough for him to turn around to get his answer.

Maybe they really should’ve talked about it, because he found himself wrapped in the smaller boy’s grip before even knowing it, intertwined in a kiss he barely was aware he longed for. His mind stopped working as his lips moved delicately against Anthony’s, there wasn’t much of a rush in the gesture, more of an attempt to savor all in the moment before it would fade away again. Not fully in touch with his own body, he felt his hands travel up Anthony’s back, fingers gently tapping his jaw and tilting it upwards.

He felt the other sight against his mouth, against his touch, an arm loosely making his way around the small of his waist. A sudden pressure, a blindfold slipping out of his tired eyes letting the bright light in, awareness that seemed to have taken the both of them in its tight grip. They moved together, as if strings maneuvered their bodies, Anthony’s stretching his neck to meet Tim’s mouth with an eagerness that seemed to have got to them only in that moment. He parted his lips, immersing his senses in that instant until a sharp noise ripped apart the soft soundless blanket that laid on the two of them. They pulled apart like magnets of the same pole, he could catch a glimpse of Anthony looking away, cheeks deeply flushed reminding him of his own before the two figures made their way into the room.

Many times Tim had wished to be invisible, a mere shadows passing along other people’s lives, but never as much as now. The two boys that had almost clashed in the room were, in fact, not in a much different business than him and Anthony, and for some seconds didn’t even notice the two standing at the opposite sides of the small van lounge, if he could even call it that. Tom’s hand fought to find back the door handle, Tucker’s own hands fisted in his shirt as they feverishly kissed. It was only when the taller boy had to turn around, his battle with the door tragically lost, that his eyes landed on Tim. He saw the instant he processed they weren’t alone, saw the line between embarrassment and panic fade a little as his gaze found the other boy in the room, part of him almost finding funny how both his and Tucker’s eyes grew wide.

Anthony seemed stuck in the same trance Tim was, that all of them were at that point, until he blinked and forced back a laugh.

-I’m so so sorry, I.. we…

-We’re out! Van’s all yours, let’s go Anthony. – they both hurried out, not before raising his thumbs up in the stupidest way he could muster to his two bandmates, the red in their cheeks giving a serious competition to Tom’s cherry Epiphone.

They managed to get roughly one meter away from the van before they both burst out laughing, and Tim was going to make sure the rest of the band knew before Tom strangled him in his sleep. He found Anthony’s deep blue eyes glued to him as he turned around, and it hit him again. What the hell were they doing?

 

That was a good question actually, what the hell were they doing? He’d be a liar if he said he didn’t want it, he’d just be putting up more excuses if he said he didn’t feel excitement rush through his body when, after Circa’s first show, he found himself pressed in one of the small make-shift changing room with Anthony’s lips caught in his. That eagerness that they had to abandon the day before seemed to have caught up with them, Tim’s hands finding their way through the singer’s hair as he gripped tightly on his arms.

He did want it, and oh for how long he had craved it. But he knew clear as day that that wasn’t all, that Anthony’s was much more than a tour hook up, just as he knew he wasn’t just a friend. He gave himself a headache for the rest of the night on it, part of him wanted to just be frank with him and tell him what he felt, did he even know what it was? Had he denied it for so long he couldn’t find the strength to face it?

The real answer was different, and was given by the other part of him, which presented him with the issue “what if Anthony doesn’t feel like that?”. That the singer cared, he had no doubt, but to take that step further, to give it all? He could’ve just been seeking the thrill of the moment, or a distraction to the abyss that seemed to always try and pull him in his deathly waves. He didn’t feel like a mere distraction, he wanted to believe it wasn’t all there was there, but the risk of exploring it to then lose the boy… that would’ve been unbearable.

That’s how they kept not talking about, spending together almost every part of the day, talking and playing around friends, intertwined in each other’s arms when alone. The guys had noticed a shift in their situation, he kept purposely avoiding Geoff’s questioning gazes when he came back to the bus late at night, still flushed and trying to swallow back the acid that crawled up in his throat once he was alone.

To his luck, Tom and Tucker were… distracted, he couldn’t blame them either, and he honestly hoped they kept up that excitement and happiness that seemed to paint light shades in their eyes every time they were together. Once again he wondered, if they were able to get there, maybe…

 

-You should play M Shephard.

Anthony’s voice broke the silence, making Tim turn around curiously. It happened like that, four days in this last branch of the tour and he could already see a pattern: rush to find a secluded spot, kisses and touches that desperately tried to say what neither of their minds would set free, and then silence. Not an uncomfortable one, don’t be mistaken, a silence to take in all that happened, run through it again, and again, and again, until both of them were convinced enough that feelings had nothing to do with it. To break that suspension, it was usually one phrase, thrown in the air and with the hope the other would catch it and start building on its foundations.

-M Shephard? You mean in these shows here at Warped?

-Mhm. It’s my favorite song from War all the time.

-Really? I guess it didn’t get as much request as the other, that and a couple of others. With these shows we get roughly one hour to play, so we try to balance Full Collapse as well.

-Still… squeeze it in one day, see what happens.

He nodded, he could see what Anthony said and agreed, after a while it wasn’t as exciting to play only the “hit” songs, if he could even define them like that.

-I’ll ask the others, Geoff will be happy for sure, he loves that song. He got all excited when I pinched in the idea.

A sweet look of genuine surprise rose on Anthony’s face, making Tim slap himself mentally before he started paying too much attention on how pretty he was. Not that the issue left if he didn’t pay attention to it, but he liked to think it would impact him less.

-You wrote the concept?

-Part of it, the idea kept popping up in my head while we were writing, and also that sort of, energy shift at the end, you know? – the boy nodded attentively, curious eyes following his hand movements as he tried to explain the exact part of the song he was talking about. – Yeah, well I showed it to Geoff, music wise first and then putting in the idea of some sort of metaphor for the difficulties that people with other sexualities have, I often talk about that with him and we’re on the same page of just letting people be, well, people.

Focused on his own speech, he didn’t notice how Anthony’s expression softened, how it seemed as if the worries of mere weeks ago where of years and years in the past.

-Anyway, he loved it and he found both the Matthew Shepard link and the M Butterfly one. Thinking about it, I do miss playing that one, I’ll definitely bring on the idea.

-Of course you’re the one that wrote it.

-What?

-I said, of course you’re the one that wrote the base of that song. – he tried to ask again, ask what he meant with that, but Anthony just waved his hand in the air and shrugged. He got up quickly, undecipherable smile still shaping his mouth.

-I have to go, we wanted to rehears a couple of songs before going up. See you on stage?

-Of course.

He gave him a small peck on the lips before running out of the bus, letting Tim sink in the small couch with a sigh. What the hell were they doing.

Notes:

I inspired the whole M Shephard deal on the video of Geoff and Tim explaning the meanings of all the War all the time songs, videos which actually are part of the cause I started this fic in the first place, so if you want to check out the whole meaning of the song you can find it here   

Chapter 5: You’re in my heart, in my arms, ‘round my neck.

Summary:

Warped Tour felt as some kind of fever dream, it was the parallel world the characters get shot into and that takes the shapes of everything they’ve been warned against.

Warped Tour felt as some kind of fever dream, it was the parallel world the characters get shot into and that takes the shapes of everything they’ve been warned against.

It was a strange world to him, all the scene was still a strange world, but this…

Part of him wished his parents could see him now, could see him singing his heart out to a crowd of punk, emo, hardcore kids, what did labels even matter in the end? There was a flip side to all of it, there was always a flip side, but in this strange, suspended reality it all seemed to blend together in a twirl of people passing by, of faces leaving small prints in his memory.

It amazed him how nobody really seemed to care, no one cared when the guitarist fell on the drum-set and spent the rest of the set playing while bleeding out of his head, no one seemed bothered by the countless small groups of people passing by needless and pills, nor by the bodies at times passed out behind the trailers. Let’s be clear, people cared in the sense there was always someone running to help if needed, there was a general care of one another he also wasn’t used to, but no one seemed surprised by anything.

If that had happened where he grew up there already would be too many “unfortunate accidents” in the small town’s graveyard, if anyone had caught him like he caught Frank and Gerard accidentally, eating from each other’s mouths, he’d be six feet under.

Clashing completely with that unrealistic frenzy, there was a special intimacy in so many moments. It was when they all sat around trying new riffs and lines and someone just sat down and listened with you, the late night talks with people that seemed to have lived your same life, felt the same feelings, saw the same waves crashing against what you hold dearly.

He was just looping something on the acoustic guitar when he heard clapping coming from behind him, a boy with long hair and a gentle expression filling him with compliments on his playing skills. Travis, he later found out, a friend of Thursday from a tour in ’03. Everyone seemed to know Thursday one way or the other, almost more than the public that went seeing their shows.

He found almost strange how easy it was to cut out a slice of calm in all of it, but he loved it. Tom was right, it really was becoming like a family, there was something special in those talks sat on the grass, shadowed by the buses, letting your creative minds just mold together. There was a meeting point though, between the rush and the peace, between the chase of excitement and the soft lullaby of comfort, and that was Tim. And it was driving him insane.

He wouldn’t be averse to causal hookups, especially not in such a safe place for it, he did think some situations could be merely physical and not imply any kind of development after. What they were doing could be read as simply this, with the exception that nowhere in the world was Tim just a causal hookup for him, and oh how much he wanted to believe the feeling was reciprocated. That he wasn’t causal, that he knew, but he had no idea on what they usually did when they went on tour, he had no clue if there was some kind of What happens at Warped stays in Warped sort of thing and frankly, he wasn’t going to ask. He felt unstable, he was doing well but knew he was just tap dancing on the edge of the barrel, any false step would make him fall harder than he ever did before. Any shake to the thin stability he kept up would be destructive, and he was terrified of it.

 

Smoke crowded in front of his eye as he exhaled slowly, the first fresh breeze since he had gotten there shaking the leaves around him with a low and consistent blow. It was rare to have moments of solitude, and he had to admit he didn’t quite enjoy the pace of his thoughts once there was no music nor voices to distract him.

As if his mind was read, he waved happily at the boy passing a few meters away from him.

-Hey Anthony! Well-deserved rest?

Tucker smiled as he approached him, you could notice he had been playing for almost one month in the open air for the hints of tan on his face and arms.

-I have a couple of hours of freedom before the show, Geoff even put us under regime today to practice until we get up there.

He laughed a little, that band had a dynamic he found almost entertaining.

-Yeah, he embodied the mean band leader role today?

-Oh no, the guy doesn’t have a mean bone in his body. We’re just playing M Shephard and we haven’t practiced it since we started the tour, he’s gone all obsessive on it today.

His cheeks tinted red, he didn’t even know Tim would remember about that conversation.

-Tim has been asking to play it since yesterday, I don’t know why he got so stubborn with it but I don’t really mind. – he seemed to have answered to Anthony’s question.

-Speaking of which, what’s exactly the deal between you two?

The bassist had warned him that Tucker could be blunt at times, never with bad intentions really, actually most of it came from a caring place. Now, if he had an answer to that question, he felt half of his issue would be solved already, or at least he’d not be dwelling on the same situation over and over.

-So there is a deal. – his silence had spoken more than he’d like, and he turned around to a knowing look printed on Tucker’s face.

-No, there’s nothing. Don’t take me wrong, I love him and… not love love him of course, just…

Tucker laughed a little at his confusion, and he found the simplicity with which he saw the whole situation comforting in a way.

-Oh I get that, I also had a friend I loved but not love loved.

-Yeah? What happened to him?

-Not much really, he’s probably fighting with his pedals and complaining on the sound quality right now.

Fucker. In the end, the name sort of spoke for himself. A darker shade of red tinted his cheeks as the other just kept on laughing, he knew exactly what spot he hit, and damn it he hit it well.

-Come on man, it’s okay. You guys take your own time, I’m just saying I know Tim more than that idiot wants to admit and well, let’s say you two aren’t really just best buds. – he said grinning, not in a mischievous way, just the expression Anthony was slowly learning he wore on most times.

-Last two days of tour, right? One and a half to be fair, but still… you have time to do something.

-Shit, that’s true. Is it over already?

-It’s weird right? You get used to it in an instant and coming back to the daily is just, kind of under stimulating I’d say.

He couldn’t really say out loud he actually was terrified to go back to reality, to lose his world of fiction he could hide into, to lose his safe place. Even if he knew Tim wasn’t going anywhere, he couldn’t help but feel as if something would snap the moment he set foot out of that place.

-Yeah… you mind if I walk with you back to the others?

They got up, slowly making their way back to the band as they kept on talking about the end of the tour.

-At least you guys have an album to work on now, right? Tim told me it’s coming up pretty well.

-Oh yeah, we already have a bunch of songs that are more or less done, eight maybe? And Geoff yesterday told me he was carving something new, so I think by the beginning of next year we’ll have it all ready. What about you though, any future plans with the band?

They hadn’t really discussed an after, the only aspect that was granted was that it was working and they’d keep on going.

-There are a few ideas here and there, the other day Brendan was working on this very loopy-ish riff that could work well. I also have some lyrics but yeah, there’s still not a plan.

-You’ll get into writing before you notice, believe me, plus you’re being very well received from what I’m seeing.

He nodded with a small smile, they were having more following than Anthony expected, than any of them expected really, and it was a big enough push to work on more. They reached the rest of the band in the small backstage area, everyone busy with the setting up of their own instruments. He saw Tim jumping a little on the spot after he tuned his bass, he had noticed in the years it was something he did a lot and found it genuinely sweet.

-Anthony, hey! You’re coming tonight right? – Geoff approached him with his bright smile, he could see where that ability he had of “convincing people to do stuff” came from.

-Coming where?

-Nobody told you? Tim, really?? – he laughed a little as the bassist shook from his trance, so focused as he was he didn’t even see the two of the coming.

-Anyway… tomorrow it’s the last day so us, the my chem guys, coheed, sparta and maybe Norman with some friends are doing a little end-of-the-tour celebration, are you guys up for it?

-Oh fuck yeah, that sounds amazing! I’ll talk with the others later, yeah?

It was a pretty decent way to say goodbye to the tour and all the people he met there, and if that wasn’t convincing enough, the way Tim’s face lit up would totally pay the ticket for the ride.

Notes:

Fun fact nobody asked for, Warped tour being some kind of "fever dream" is a definition that has been stuck in my head for a month, since I planned to include a warped episode.

Chapter 6: If it was just one night, then we would be released.

Summary:

-What are we toasting for?

 

-Mhm, love!

Notes:

If you guess the squence of Thursday songs I queued to write this part, especially that scene you get another virtual cookie.

He stumbled a little on his feet when he got up, head spinning just enough for him to know he had to take it easy. He usually never drank, or at least never drank a lot, so he wasn’t really used to the warmth that kept spreading through his chest, nor to the way his whole body just felt light and very heavy at the same time. Despite that, he was one of the less wasted out there.

Most of the people were crowded outside, they had set up a very shitty fire, some blankets around it and way too many bottles spread around the place. He blinked, trying to find his friends in that uneven mass of bodies, most of them laid on the ground. His eyes focused on Geoff, all smiles and giggles, talking frenetically with a not so sober Jim. How he could be so damn talkative in every situation was still a mystery to him. Steve and Andrew were nowhere to be seen, he could make out the silhouette of Mikey and turned away in an instant as he saw how busy he was, or who he was busy with. His nighttime secret identity, that’s what Frank called it when their bassist ended up getting more laid than the whole band put together.

 Unsteady hands worked on opening the door of the bus, another unidentified pair kissing messily next to the entrance giving him a hard time managing to actually push the knob all the way through. The air was warm and heavy inside, but definitely quieter. Tucker was on Tom’s lap, something almost tender in the way the guitarist’s gaze, even if bleak and unfocused from the alcohol, still fell gently on the smaller boy’s chaotic movement as he tried to explain something Tim was sure had lost its sense a long time ago. A genuine triumphant smile shaped his lips when he finally found who he was looking for, sat on the couch and casually talking with Andrew.

The boys eyes looked up, big and bright, and he almost felt naked under the strength of that gaze.

-Hey Timmy. I missed you.

His voice was mellow, words slightly glueing together as he shot the biggest of grins to the bassist.

-Come here! We are celebrating, don’t be a hermit.

Andrew scooted on the side to give him enough space on the couch, handing him a small glass he didn’t even notice he was holding for all that time. He took it with a smile, not even bothered to ask what was in it. The luck of getting drunk amongst those people is that, and you could be certain of it, no one would ever slip anything in your drink, or cause you any harm.

-What are we toasting for?

-Mhm, love! – the keyboardist said giggling before pulling him in a messy hug, his arm stretching to include Anthony in it, who seemed to happily accept the invitation. -Love you guys so much!

He wasn’t sure what was so funny about that, not sure why they all started laughing, but again his mind was too filled with colors and waves of warmth to really care.

-Hey lover boys! – he called the other two, gesturing for them to come as he got up again, another light spin to his head.

They got in a circle, small glasses in their hands as they raised them up in the air.

-To love! Love for our second family!

A cheer before everyone downed their drink, liquid burning in his throat making him cough a little.

-Aw Tim, you’re too young for this.

He flipped off the drummer before grabbing the bottle that laid half empty on the counter, filling the glasses again. In a sober state, his mind would be already racing hundreds of thoughts on how that whole situation could’ve ended, but he really couldn’t muster the courage to care.

-Another one. To love, love for your friends!

And again, rough taste on his tongue before everyone hugged happily. Tucker reached out again, another fill up before handing them all the glasses.

-And… and to love for your lovers!

Him and Tom intertwined their arms to down the drink, and Tim found himself locking eyes with Anthony again before following suit and emptying the glass. There was something he wanted to say, he was sure there was, but his mouth seemed too numb to let out any words. He looked down, when had his drink been refilled?

-And to get Andrew laid! – Tom yelled, an explosion of laugher as they all went tacking the keyboardist, who just kept on giggling uncontrollably. His arm went rounding Anthony’s shoulder, the boy laying a little on his body to sustain himself.

They couldn’t stop laughing, pressed closer together, he heard Anthony say something with his face pressed against his neck but couldn’t really make out the words. He felt the warmth though, warmth of his lips as they moved against his skin. He couldn’t say for sure when words shifted in something different, wasn’t able to tell the moment teeth sank softly on the edge of his neck and the soft movements turned into wet kisses, making his jaw fall slack on its own accord.

Hands gripped on his shirt, and before he knew it his mouth was connected with Anthony’s in a frantic kiss. The smaller boy parted his lips, allowing his tongue to slid in and taste him. There were hints of alcohol and tabaco, he was aware he mustn’t have been in a very different state. They stumbled back until his legs hit the couch, and he sat bringing Anthony down with him, hand tight on his waist leading him onto his lap. He heard a faint click coming from behind them, did everyone else leave?

Questions pooled in his head that he couldn’t or wouldn’t want to answer. Was this how he wanted it to happen?

His hands slid under Anthony’s shirt, warm skin sending sparks through his fingertips as he brushed his sides, his chest, any reason slipping slowly from his mind with every new feeling he got from the boy. A pull on his shoulder, Anthony pushed himself closer to him and let out a shaky breath once Tim’s lips pressed on his stretched neck.

It was too much, too much and not enough, all the repressed feelings towards the boy in his arms tumbled inside of him, twisting and pulling and turning into an arousal he was barely aware of. It was when a sudden heat and pressure settled on his crotch that he really felt the need of it, and when a small whine escaped the boy’s mouth, he just stopped thinking all together.

He pushed his hips up again, swallowing back a moan when Anthony ground back on his hard-on. Only then he realized his eyes had been shut the whole time, part of him was afraid to open them to find out he had been imagining all of it. To his luck, his sight landed on Anthony, craned neck and lips parted as he shifted his hips again, ass pressing hard on his cock and mouth giving way to choked gasps. His eyes were distant, he muttered something that was lost in a whimper when Tim’s fingers scratched along his spine, making his whole body arch.

It was a sight he wanted to hold on to dearly, his mind not yet so intoxicated to know and register all that was happening, the warmth of Anthony’s body, the constant grind that was slowly bringing him to the edge. His mouth couldn’t part from the boy on top of him, whether it was kissing the soft skin of his neck and jaw, or capturing his lips in another messy kiss, tongues and spit filling his mouth so good his cock twitched in his pants.

He pulled out a louder moan from the singer as he thrusted up rougher, faster, he was moaning too but wasn’t aware enough to hear it, his mind was filled with the sounds Anthony was letting out and focused only on ways he could make him do more. Strong callous hands made their way under his pants, grabbing the soft flesh of his ass and moving his whole body with it, making the other groan. He could see the small tent in his pants as the boy kept pushing down on him, his head fell limp on the crook of his neck once he dug his nails in the other’s skin and pressed his cock against him.

There were too many layers, too much in between them, and yet neither took the initiative to break that barrier. It could’ve been because part of them was aware that this wasn’t what, or how, they had hoped this happened, this left too many unspoken feelings and holes in the way they weren’t going to fill. It could’ve been because they knew once they removed the thin curtain that separated their senses, they wouldn’t be able to label it as just a “drunken mistake”. Was it a mistake?

It really didn’t feel so to Tim in that moment, and from the sound he made, it appeared as Anthony agreed. So focused on the other’s pleasure, he barely noticed how dangerously close he was, he didn’t hear how he kept calling the boy’s name and how he replied calling his, in small whimpers and moans, a plead to be taken apart. Anthony’s eyebrows furrowed, his whole body shaking as he cried out against Tim’s chest, lips open and wet as he came. He could feel his muscles relaxing in his arms, his legs release the tight hold they had around his own waist, so lost in the sight of him that he gasped in surprise when fingers trailed down his length, still trapped under his already wet boxers. When had his flier come down?

Electricity shot through his veins, soft fingers wrapping around his cock feeling so warm he bucked into the touch, hands tightening in Anthony’s hair in an attempt to keep him even closer than he was. It took him just a few strokes to feel the heat pooling down in his stomach, and as he locked eyes with the boy he lost it. Anthony was gone, spent from his own orgasm, fuzzy from the too many drinks, but his gaze was of an intensity that wrapped around his whole body, that filled him and left him begging for more, head thrown back as he reached his high.

The sounds were muffled, there was still lots of voices coming from outside but he could only hear their uneven breaths, he could only feel Anthony crawled up in his lap, hand now resting on his stomach. Head spinning, he opened his eyes only when the warmth was suddenly gone. He stood up too quickly, a sharp pain in his head reminding him what got him in the situation in the first place. Anthony was just… gone. Did he fall asleep? Or had he been so quick to leave he didn’t have the time to stop him?

On unsteady legs, he reached the door and opened, sharp wind of the night slapping him awake. Looking around, there were definitely less people, most of which were his band a few other friends, but Anthony… he was nowhere to be seen. A tight grip took ahold of his throat as he stepped out of the bus, he looked around, walked until the parking lot, his head was pounding and he really needed to sit down, but the increasing panic kept him going. Somehow he managed to reach the mcr bus, no one seemed to be there until he noticed the small figure crouched down.

-Frank? – he stuttered, - are you okay?

The boy looked up at him with sad eyes, resignation painted on his face as he sighed heavily. – It’s Gee…

If there was someone that was good, too good at hiding concern, it was Frank, and he could barely imagine the tension he had been feeling the whole tour for the state of his singer. He sat down next to him, patting his back a little as the boy just laid on his side. He also was fairly good in hiding, but it must’ve shown in his expression, because the guitarist muttered softy: - And are you okay?

Tim shook his head. – I think I fucked up.

-Mhm. Is it one of your worries or…

-No, no this time I fucked up for real.

-You’re in the right place then.

-This is the corner for the fuck ups?

The boy next to him chuckled dryly.

-You bet.

Notes:

Don't mind me just sitting in the fuck ups corner with frank and tim, anywaaay sorry again for this...

Chapter 7: We will pretend, that it’s all just made up.

Summary:

Why did he leave?

Notes:

Ouch... anyway, please remember the tw for mentions of drug use at the end of this chapter!

The road moved slowly under his eyes, the low rumble of the engine settling a soft constant rhythm in his head. Steve and Geoff were asleep, Tucker drove silently as Andrew, sat next to him, held up the map that had miraculously avoided getting them lost for the past six years. His eyes were glued outside, he had to focus on what he saw. It was pretty empty, just a few trees in sight, the sun lowering down as it was already past 5 pm. A soft sigh called Tom’s attention, the guitarist sat next to him and was falling asleep on a book he started around three times.

-What’s up Timmy?

-Hm? Oh, just the hangover.

He received a sympathetic nod, all of them were still feeling a little the effect of the previous night. He wished it was just the hangover.

-Never seen you drinking so much, finally learning to have fun a little?

Tom didn’t mean no harm, he never did, and yet the bitter taste filled his mouth and he wished he could just throw up the guilt that kept pooling in his stomach. Because if he hadn’t drank, he’d be more aware, and if he was aware, well…

Some might say he was getting carried away, and he had to admit that in the moment, he didn’t regret a single thing, didn’t regret how good it felt in the slightest. It was when reality had kicked back in though that he realized, and now he couldn’t push back the dreading feeling that he had lost him. Was it too much? Not enough? Had it been all there was?

He’d erase it all, erase every kissed shared under that strange secrecy, would erase the feeling of Anthony’s hand gripping around him, supporting himself as he shivered and shook, he’d take it all away if it meant nothing would break them apart. And yet, he knew that wasn’t it, that wasn’t what kept stabbing him and pervading his every sense. Why did he leave?

 

Why did he leave? He panicked, that’s why. Because he realized what had happened, and felt completely fucking terrified. His fear of Tim feeling like a one-time hook up just crashed on him all together, followed by the even worse one of him actually wanting it to be causal. That didn’t excuse him, and now, as he laid on his bed with his eyes glued to the ceiling, he slapped himself mentally for it. If the situation was already bad, he made it ten times worse, he panicked had fucked it up massively. You’d say the solution was easy, just call him and sort it out, but not him. That fragile stability had completely come apart, one might say it was all staged anyway, but it kept him away from the maze he couldn’t get out of.

There was something else that had been hiding in the back of his mind for a while, a shadow that silently took a power he wasn’t aware he gave away until it took a full control of him. And it was that he was going to ruin him. That’s what he did to people around him, he had branches of poison that he tightened around other people’s lives and just dragged them down in his darkness. He told Colin about it, and he said that he was going to haunt him down if he ever tried to cut them off from his life. Tim though, Tim didn’t deserve it.

Darkness swallowed him again, thorns and chains holding him still as his eyes filled with nightmares every night and day. He found solace in his small, white escape. It wasn’t really solace, it was just numbing enough for him to erase every bit of reality around him. He missed his real solace, his real happiness. And the more he missed him, the more he hid, crawled, buried himself away from that boy he didn’t want to believe actually cared.

Notes:

It makes me suffer to see them suffer but at the same time I'm the one to blame so yeah...

Notes:

Ooof, that was a long ride. I swear I will give those two a break... eventually. But yeah, I'm not really sure how I feel about this whole work, there's definitely a lot of stuff going on that I wrote in too little time, so I really hope the effect came off as intended and that you enjoyed it!
There's a bunch of references here, many personal opinions on songs because I can, and yeah I know I said all the titles of the chapters would follow the timeline of their music but War all the time was giving me nightmares in finding fitting quotes and A city saved me. Despite that, i found the quote good for the title, in the end all of this mess is about love, any kind of it, the one between the main characters, those other two idiots in love, the friendship that brings them all so close, and yeah!
I apologise for any possible typo or grammar mistake, I've checked all the chapters a bunch of times but something might've slipped.

The next weeks will be very full for me, so I don't predict new chapters very very soon, but hey, here you have this 7 to entretain you in the meantime! Once again I wanted to thank you all so so much for keeping up with my work, I appreciate it more than I can say.
Thank you for reading, and for eventual commends and kudos! :)

Series this work belongs to:

• Part 5 of Standing here, waiting.