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It all started when Minho finally asked Thomas what had happened that night with Newt.
.…..............
Up until this point Minho hadn’t even been able to talk about Newt, just grieving in silence and always staying busy, avoiding everything. He would run for hours on end, no one knowing where he would go, he would just return and ask to help around with whatever he could. Minho might have seemed fine at times, with his sarcastic remarks and playful banter with his friends, but he was angrier than normal and too quiet, often staring out into nothing with a numb expression.
It was killing Thomas to watch him like this. He wanted Minho to talk to him, but every time he tried he pushed it away, making up some excuse or sometimes getting mad and snapping at Thomas. It hurt, Thomas felt like he was losing his best friend, and he felt like all of it was his fault. After what happened with Newt Thomas had told no one, just sat with guilt and grief. All anyone knew was the scene that they had walked into, seeing Newt on the ground with Thomas’s knife in his chest. He knew Minho blamed him for it, how could he not? It was his fault after all. He felt like Minho must hate him, not just for Newt.. but for everything, working for WCKD, pulling him around through the scorch, breaking his promise, and letting Minho get taken and used. To make matters worse Thomas loved Minho more than anyone left in this world.
He and Minho shared a hut in the safe haven, but even though they lived together it felt like he never saw him. They both kept themselves busy all day, only really talking at meal times, but at night it was quiet, only a small ‘goodnight’ was said most nights. Although it was most likely that neither boy would ever fall asleep, and even when they did their minds were just plagued with nightmares of all the horrific things they had endured. Thomas felt so alone, he just wanted Minho, wanted to talk like they used to, or at least be able to comfort him, anything, but did he even deserve that, to have Minho?
….................
Tonight, Thomas was sitting on his bed, it was dark out, completely quiet except for the distant sound of the waves crashing on the shore. Thomas looked up at the new sound of the door opening to see Minho come in, but something was off. When Minho looked at Thomas he stopped for a second and stared at him with an expression that Thomas couldn’t pin down. Finally, he moved slowly making his way more into the room now with his brows drawn like he was deep in thought. It made Thomas nervous, there was a new energy in the room that he didn't like, but he just stayed sat waiting for Minho to break this deafening silence. Thomas watched as Minho made his way over to him and sat at the edge of his bed, but he didn’t look at him, instead staring at his hand in his lap. He couldn’t take it anymore, it was too quiet, something was wrong with Minho.
“Minho?” Thomas spoke in a small voice, scared to be too loud and disturb the silence.
“What happened that night with you and Newt?” Minho asked, voice low.
Minho finally looked up at Thomas making his breath hitch. Thomas’s face got pale and his stomach dropped. He should have expected this conversation at some point but he hoped and prayed it would never come. His hand subconsciously rose to the note around his neck that he never took off. How was he supposed to tell Minho this? He would leave him for good, Thomas can’t lose him again… but Minho deserved to know, it was only fair.
Thomas's breath was shaking a little as he spoke,
“ I- He was getting bad, really bad. We were going to stay and wait for you guys to get back but, I knew there wasn’t enough time left… So I got him up and tried to get him to the berg but then he changed. It wasn’t him anymore and he attacked me. I tried to stop him, to make him realize what he was doing, and then he was screaming at me to kill him.”
At this point Thomas was on autopilot, just talking without stopping in fear that if he did he wouldn’t be able to start again, he didn’t dare look at Minho as he spoke, or notice the tears starting in his own eyes.
“... I tried to stop him, he grabbed the gun and- and then the knife and he was trying to stab me and he kept swinging it and h-he wouldn’t listen to me, I was trying to stop him. I thought he stabbed me but… when I looked down… it wasn’t me, he turned the knife on himself. Then he was falling and- and I didn’t, I didn't know what t-to do, It should have been me I- I’m sorry. It’s all my fault Minho I shouldn’t have left after, I shouldn’t have let him come, It’s my fault, I- I’m so sor-”
Thomas didn’t realize how worked up he had gotten, but he was shaking and the tears had come, his knuckles had turned white with the grip he had on his necklace. But what made him stop talking was Minho, who had put his hand on Thomas’s leg to calm him down.
Thomas finally looked up at the other boy and the look on his face made his heart break. Minho looked so pained it hurt, Thomas could see tears in his eyes which scared him even more because he had never once seen him cry. It made Thomas so sick he thought he might puke.
“Minho?” Thomas whispered.
Minho looked at him and opened his mouth to say something, but closed it just as quickly. He
stood up suddenly and Thomas panicked and stood up right after, thinking he was going to leave.
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
Minho’s voice sounded broken and it punched Thomas in the gut.
“I’m sorry, Minho,” Thomas said, it was all he could think to say.
“Stop apologizing!” Minho burst out, he was rubbing his eyes, and breathing out hard.
“You should have told me what happened, I thought- you should have told me.”
Minho looked angry and hurt, and Thomas knew why. He should have told him, he knew that, but he couldn’t and this is exactly why.
“I know I should have, I'm sor-, I was scared.”
Thomas was shaking again, he wanted to reach out to Minho but he knew that would be a bad idea right now. He just waited for Minho to do something, to yell and scream at him, tell him he hated him, and never wanted to see him again, just anything.
“You were scared!? To tell me what happened to him!? You were the only one there when he died, did you not think I wanted to know what happened? I had to think the worst when I saw you with him!”
Minho was yelling now, every word feeling like a knife in Thomas’s chest. He had never seen him like this before and it was all his fault, he did this. Minho moved, turning towards the door, desperately needing an escape.
“No! No, please Minho please wait!”
Thomas practically begged, throwing himself across the room to grab Minho’s arm. He didn’t know when he had started crying, but he was.
“I’m so sorry it’s my fault he’s dead, I know you can’t forgive me but-”
Minho cut him off,
“That's not why-!,” He sighed
“I don’t blame you Thomas, It’s not your fault.”
Thomas stopped at that and stared at him in confusion. His hand was still gripping Minho’s arm desperately, as they stared at each other.
“What?” His voice was barely audible.
Minho had one hand on the door and Thomas’s eyes darted from his hand to Minho’s face, which wasn’t looking back at him.
Minho sighed again as he spoke.
“I said it’s not your fault, you didn’t kill him, but you should have told me.” His voice was rough and tired.
Thomas was frozen there, not able to understand what he just heard. How could Minho think it wasn’t his fault? Of course it was his fault, did Minho really not blame him for it? He thought this would make him hate Thomas even more than he must already.
All of a sudden the arm he had forgotten he was holding onto was being pulled away from him. Thomas was right, Minho was going to leave him, his breath quickened and the tears came for what felt like the hundredth time tonight.
Minho had opened the door a crack, the moonlight that came in from it shone on Minho’s face, making the light tear tracks with his broken expression visible to Thomas. He couldn’t lose him.
“Minho! Wait, please don’t go, please! I’m sorry, don’t go, I can't lose you! Not again…I Love you.” Thomas sobbed, the last thing he said was almost left unheard, almost.
Both he and Minho froze in shock. He didn’t know where that came from, that wasn't something he ever planned on saying out loud. He probably looked so pathetic right now sobbing and shaking in front of Minho begging him to not leave him, and on top of that he just professed his love to him.
Minho slowly closed the door and turned back around fully facing Thomas who was already staring intently back at him, still sniffling. Thomas couldn’t tell what Minho was thinking, but he let out a breath of relief at the fact Minho didn’t run away.
“What was that?” Minho breathed out looking at Thomas with what almost looked like hope.
“I… love you”
Thomas looked down, the eye contact too overwhelming right now as he tried to steady his breathing. What did he just do? Why couldn’t he just keep his mouth shut, instead of spilling out all of his feelings to Minho? He would definitely leave him now, he just lost him because of this, he just knows it. His breath was coming out even harder.
Thomas suddenly felt Minho’s hands on his shoulders and he looked up.
“Calm down Thomas, just breathe okay? It’s okay.”
It felt like forever before he finally calmed down and his breathing evened out. At some point one of Minho’s hands had moved up to Thomas’s cheeks. Thomas was so relieved and happy that Minho was here he pulled them into a tight hug, clutching to him life his life depended on it, and Minho hugged his right back.
“I’m sorry,” Thomas kept whispering into the crook of Minhos neck.
“Didn’t I tell you to stop apologizing? You didn’t do anything wrong.”
“Do you hate me?” Thomas croaked out.
Minho pulled back slightly so they were face-to-face but still holding on to each other. He then moved both of his hands up Thomas’s body to gently hold his face, and slowly leaned in, and kissed him gently.
Thomas didn’t know what to do. Just a couple minutes ago he was convinced that his best friend hated him and would walk out of the door forever, and now he was kissing him. Thomas felt a few final strangling tears fall. All too soon Minho was breaking the short-lived kiss just as Thomas realized he never even kissed him back, instead just standing there with his mind racing.
Minho now looked unsure as if he somehow misunderstood the situation, like he shouldn’t have kissed him. Just then, Thomas’s body finally caught up with his brain as he grabbed onto the front of Minho’s shirt and pulled him forward again, kissing him hard. Thomas felt all of his worries melt away with the kiss. The both of them held onto each other and kissed like it was their life source. Thomas couldn’t help but feel a little disappointed when they had to break apart for air.
“I don’t hate you by the way,” Minho said slightly breathless
Thomas couldn’t help the very small chuckle that escaped him, also most sounding like a sob, as he leaned forward to rest his head on Minho’s shoulder.
“I love you too, and I don’t want to lose you either,” Minho whispered into his ear.
Thomas somehow hugged him even tighter, probably a little painfully, but Minho didn’t mind. This isn’t at all how Thomas had imagined this conversation going.
Minho continued, “Newt… that wasn’t your fault, I was mad because I thought it might have been, I didn’t want to think that but… that was all that I saw, I just wanted to know, and now I do.”
Minho’s words eased Thomas’s overthinking mind. Thomas would probably always feel some guilt for it all, but right now that didn’t matter. Minho didn’t blame him, Minho loved him, and they were okay.
Thomas was now overwhelmed with happiness and solace and leaned back so he could kiss Minho again and again and again, whispering ‘I love you’ in between. Minho smiled at him, it was the first time Thomas had seen that smile in so long, and he loved it.
…..................
That night the two of them shared one bed and held onto each other, talking into the deep hours of the night, and sharing loving kisses. Until they finally fell into a surprisingly dreamless sleep, limbs tangled together, and content.
Maybe Thomas was wrong, it was going to be okay.
They would be okay.