Chapter Text
Shoya was alone, alone, with nobody. Nobody at all. It was all his fault, because he bullied Nishimiya, and now he was suffering for his actions. He shouldn't have been so utterly stupid in the 6th grade, and made such stupid decisions. Now he was alone. He figured it was partially Kazukis fault, but he deserved everything Kazuki threw at him. For everything Kazuki did to him in Junior high, Shoya had done something much, much worse.
Now he couldn't even look people in the eye, he couldn't speak to them. How pathetic he was.
Kazuki threw his shoes into trash bins, but Shoya threw a hearing aid out a window. Kazuki pushed Shoya into a lake, Shoya pushed Shoko into a lake along with a book of all the conversations she had had with anyone in school. Kazuki wrote threats and other mean things on his desk, but Shoya wrote the same thing in Shokos notebook. Kazuki told everyone what he had done in the 6th grade, a warning. 'You guys better stay away from that Shoya Ishida, he was such a bully, he made a deaf girl transfer schools.' Which was reasonable. What if Shoya fucked up again. Made bad decisions. Couldn't control himself. Someone would get hurt. It wasn't Kazukis fault.
Shouya didn't want to deal with this anymore. The guilt, the absolute horrible feeling. If only there were some easy way out.
It occurred to him one day that he did have an easy way out. A way that he could escape, escape from everything. A way to be erased, forever. It would work. No one would remember him anyway, well not in a good way at least.
His Ma would remember him in a good way, at least, although only because he's her son and it's required for her to. Maria would miss him too, but Maria wouldn't even remember him in 7 years.
His sister hasn't liked him since the day he was born. He took the spotlight from her. He and his sister had never been on good terms anyway, and she wouldn't care if he mysteriously died one night.
The kids from 6th grade, aside from the ones in his high-school, wouldn't even have a way to know he died.
They all hated him anyway. Ueno ditched him when Shoko left. Miyoko never liked him in the first place, knowing he was a bad egg from the start. Kazuki made it very clear he didn't like Shoya in middle school. Miki had tried to talk to him before, but he knew that she was forcing herself to, trying to be nice so that she could keep up her reputation as the sweet girl who couldn't hurt a fly.
But this was the coward's way out, he still had to pay his mom back the money he made her pay when he broke Shokos hearing aids. And he had to try to apologize to Shoko, if anything bad would happen, he would be dead by the next week anyway.
To pay his mom back he could sell all the furniture in his room, and work extra hours. Easy.
He set to work.
Shouya finally got the money for his mom, he put it carefully into an envelope, not sealing it quite yet, as he was going to still put his goodbye to her in it. He wouldn't be able to say goodbye to her up front. All he had to do was go to Shokos school on Thursday, and then he could go the next day.
And so he set off, he knew where Shokos school was, as she went to one not so far from his, and he passed her on his bike ride home one time.
Shouya stood in front of the school, extremely nervous. He took a step backward, contemplating going back. It was useless anyway. It wouldn't matter once he was gone.
He ran into the school head first.
He saw Shoko almost immediately. She looked a lot different than who she was all those years ago, longer hair, more confident, more mature. He tapped her shoulder to get her attention, observing she had no hearing aid.
She turned around quickly. Not expecting someone to try and get her attention. She looked even more surprised when she saw Shoya, of all people, standing there. She stiffened up, obviously not wanting to see him. But she softened. Shouya hoped it meant she was giving him a chance to speak.
Shoya held his hands in front of his chest, about to sign. He looked down, unable to look the other in the eye. If he did, he would only see a glare. Mean eyes. Judgment.
He started to sign, although his hands were to shaky for it to be interpreted. Shouya figured he could use a notebook instead, so he grabbed his reading notebook out of his bag, and started to write. He was surprised Shoko hadn't walked off by the time he was done.
Shoko started to read.
'Shoko Nishimiya. I'm so sorry for what I did to you in middle school. I have made many mistakes in my life, horrible ones, but what I did to you in middle school was the worst thing I could have ever done. I won't be around much longer to make it up to you, but I just wanted to apologize before I left.'
Shoko crouched down and tilted her head up to see his eyes, and gave him a smile, with those kind eyes of hers. He didn't understand, he didn't deserve it. He didn't deserve any kind thing Shoko could give him. Even if it was just a smile. Shoko started to sign.
'I accept your apology.'
Tears started to run down Shouyas face, he crouched down so Shoko wouldn't be able to see his tears. He didn't deserve that. She was supposed to be angry. That's what he deserved, not this kindness that she was giving him. He wiping his tears away. He gave Shoko a shaky smile, looking down at his feet again.
He heard someone running towards him from behind
"Get away from my sister, you overgrown worm!" Said who sounded like a young girl, barreling into him from behind, knocking the wind out of him.
The kid lifted her hands off his back, probably to sign something to Shoko. Shoya looked up, reading their conversation.
'Are you alright? Did he do anything.'
'I'm fine Yuzu, he didn't do anything.'
'What is he doing here talking to you then?'
'He was apologizing.'
Yuzuru stood up. She turned around holding her hand out to Shoya, helping him get up. Shoya stood up. Although looking at the so called 'Yuzus' shoes, seeming to study them.
"I need to talk to him," She said angrily, signing at the same time.
She grabbed Shouyas sweaty hand, almost squeezing it. She walked him into a janitor's closet, slamming the door and locking it. Yuzu pushed him against the wall. Punching him in the face.
"What right do you think you have apologizing to my sister?! You hurt her so badly, and think you can fix everything you did? I bet you don't even feel bad about it and just apologized to make yourself feel better!" Yuzu yelled. Shoya didn't know what to say, it's what he deserved.
"Well?" Yuzu asked, still yelling.
"I don't deserve it, and I know that nothing's fixed. And I figured I should at least say something to her before I'm gone."
Yuzuru wasn't expecting that, she was expecting Shoya to be angry, to contradict her. But no, he just agreed . And where was he going so that he couldn't tell Shoko that he's sorry from there? She couldn't stop herself, she knew it wasn't much of her business but she just needed to know.
"Where are you going that you can't apologize to Shoko from there?" Shoya seemed to deflate, finally looking Yuzu in the eyes.
"Somewhere, very, very, far away."
Yuzuru's hand fell down from the others shoulder. She knew that line. It was what was what parents generally say to their kids in books, when explaining someone died, in order for their child to understand they probably wouldn't see them again. Yuzuru let Shoya go, who ran out of the school.
Shoya Ishida was going to commit suicide. And Yuzuru couldn't let that happen. Yes, Shoya treated Shoko horribly in the 6th grade, but he didn't deserve to die . Plus, from what she could tell, he had genuinely changed since then. He wasn't the confident boy that was described to her. He also realized the wrongs in his actions, as seen in his apology. Shoya Ishida was going to kill himself, and Yuzuru could not let that happen.
How would she save him if she didn't even know how or were he was going to do it? The cause of his suicide could be the bullying of Shoko, and he might be drawn to the source and off himself there. One of the places he could was the old elementary school, but there was no guarantee. It was a weekday tomorrow, a Friday at that, so he would probably do it after school so no child would see him splatter, then the mess could be cleaned up for school for that monday.
Yuzuru could only hope her assumptions were correct. Although it wasn't very likely. She was only thinking of what she assumed he would do, he could try a different method. She could at least say she tried to save him if she waited at the school.
She contemplated bringing Shoko to the scene, although immediately rejected the idea. Her sister would probably think it was her fault, plus, Shoko had already been through enough.
On Friday, at 5 o'clock is when he would depart, is what Shoya decided. He would go to the school were all of this shit happened. The school where he made such horrible decisions, and ended up like this. He could only hope that the teachers weren't in school due to meetings or grading papers. He wished even more for his elementary school that no teachers were there. He would never recover from that.
He'd hopefully never have a chance to recover, ever. How long did it take for Shoko to heal, after he ripped her hearing aids out?
From there, Shoya started to write. He would write to every person he'd ever disappointed or known. Say sorry for everything he'd ever done. All of the wrongs, and all of his existing. He knew it would never be enough, that there was nothing he could do to correct his wrongs. Saying a few words wouldn't fix things, nobody could know if he actually meant them. He couldn't even give them anything. He was so very pathetic.
Shoya finished his writing. He put them all in their own envelopes, labeled and signed by him. Decorated and sealed with small red stickers. One for his mom, his sister, Maria, Kazuki, and most importantly, Shoko and her mom.
It was still 4:30, he still had 20 minutes until he would leave. So, he went down to the salon where his mom would be working. He would spend his last minutes with the person who would miss him the most.
It was time for Shoya to leave.