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The door opens far too early in the morning.
They'd had a late night. Sage recently decided to take hours to fall asleep no matter what they do, so Buck and Eddie took turns holding and rocking her and singing to her until she finally went down. Even then they'd had to wait for a while before putting her in her crib for fear she'd wake up again.
Now the door creaks open and a shaft of sunlight sneaks past the blackout curtains in the bay window. Buck groans and pulls Eddie closer to his chest.
The curtain to the living room rustles open. Carla's voice mutters something soft and fond and the curtain falls back into place.
He still hears her moving around the house as quietly as possible. She puts her purse on the coffee table as she does nearly every day. She knocks softly on Chris's door on the opposite side of the other curtain and opens the door. "Are you awake, Christopher?" she asks softly.
"Yeah," Chris says.
Buck knows he is. He woke briefly to the kid's alarm. Eddie twists in his arms and tucks his head under Buck's chin.
No matter how long he has this, he'll never be any less amazed. He and Eddie live together and are in love. They have two perfect kids (in Buck's opinion, even if Sage likes to try to throw herself onto the floor head-first every time something doesn't go her way). He's never felt so warm and safe.
Even if it's a little weird for Chris and Carla to sneak their way past his and Eddie's bed on the way to the kitchen.
Eddie nuzzles closer, half-asleep. "Do we have to?" he mumbles into Buck's chest.
On a typical morning they'd have to get up by now. They usually take Chris to school and Sage to daycare in the mornings during the school year before heading to the station. Today, though, their schedules are a little messed up. They're supposed to head in an hour early to help with Julie's birthday party so Carla agreed to drive the kids, and since she's here to get them ready Buck and Eddie get to sleep in a few minutes. He never loved the chance of extra sleep this much before he had a baby, which is saying something with how often he can't sleep through the night.
"Not yet," he replies to Eddie.
Eddie tugs their blanket higher around them both and sighs softly. Buck inhales the scent of his shampoo and settles deeper under the covers.
It must not be that much later that Sage wakes up, her wailing cutting through the speaker on the back of the baby monitor on Buck's nightstand. He groans and shifts against Eddie's dead weight.
The soft sound of the monitor being picked up behind him, and Sage's cries get more distant. "You two stay in bed," Carla whispers. "I got this."
Buck hasn't so much as opened his eyes yet this morning.
But Carla apparently does not got this.
Sage cries even louder when the door opens, even as Carla's calming voice drifts down the hall. The kitchen door cracks open audibly so Chris must be listening in, too.
"Dada!" Sage screams. He can imagine her shoving at Carla's face and neck with her little hands because she wants him and not her, and he's about to succumb to the inevitable when he hears Carla's rapid footsteps.
He cracks open his eyes and wipes a hand over his face, spotting Eddie doing the same. Eddie's hair sticks up on the side. He smacks his lips and stares sleepily over Buck's shoulder. Buck turns his head and finds Chris in the doorway to the kitchen.
The curtain to the hall slips open and Carla smiles sheepishly. "Sorry, boys."
Sage launches herself forward dramatically and makes grabby hands at Buck and Eddie, tears and snot on her face. "Dada! Deedee!"
"It's okay," Buck says. "Come here, goose."
Carla hands her off and she cuddles between them, immediately settling. She wipes her face on Eddie's shirt but he doesn't seem to mind.
At least they get to stay in bed for a bit.
Buck carefully runs his fingers through Sage's curls, soft and malleable. They haven't tangled much thanks to the satin sheet in her crib but he still likes to try to control them a bit in the morning. She likes it too; if he doesn't, she chants, "Dada hair." Of course, "Dada hair" sometimes means that she wants to pull on Buck's hair. It's kind of a fifty-fifty chance.
Eddie reaches over Sage and runs his own fingers through Buck's hair. He lays his head back down and practically purrs.
They only stay like that for a few more drowsy minutes. The coffee maker percolates in the other room (thank you, Carla) and a container pops open in preparation for Chris's lunch (thanks, Carla). Buck knows they need to get up.
Eventually he forces himself to stand, bringing Sage with him. She lays her head on his chest and talks to him, and through the babbling he hears "horse" and "Dada" and "play."
He rubs her back and shifts to the side so Chris can get past him. "Tomorrow," he promises. "Today you get to see your friends at daycare."
She perks up. "Momo!"
Momo is one of the other babies, Morgan. They had the same first day and their birthdays both fall in October. Not that either of them understand the future yet. But they're the same age and around the same developmental stages so they get along great.
"Yeah," Eddie says as he stands, too. "I bet Momo will be so happy to see you."
Buck combs down Eddie's rogue locks. He's been looking a bit worse for wear recently, ever since he started taking an extra twelve or twenty-four every week or so. People keep asking him and for some reason he says yes nearly every time. "Can you get her breakfast started?" Buck asks. "I need to change her."
"Already done," Carla calls from the kitchen.
"You're a godsend," Buck calls back. To Eddie, he says, "Good morning."
Eddie pecks first his cheek then Sage's, who giggles. "Morning."
"You two need to get moving," Carla says, brandishing one of Sage's spoons at them. "You're going to be late."
"Late to being early," Buck grumbles. He loves his coworkers, truly, but rushing off to work doesn't feel as important these days as it used to, not when he has to leave half his family behind.
"How about you take Sage to daycare and I'll handle Chris," Carla suggests.
"The daycare is open," Eddie says.
"We'd have to leave, like, now," Buck replies.
Eddie flashes him a smile. "Breakfast to go?"
The next few minutes pass in a flurry. He and Eddie both get changed, passing Sage between them as they do. Carla packs their coffees into travel mugs and prepares some smoothies, too, and then they throw on their shoes and bid Chris goodbye.
Sage sits in her car seat quietly eating dry Cheerios from her travel snack bowl. Buck drives as carefully as possible.
He's still tired, taking sips of scalding coffee. With Sage being fussy at bedtime and the exposure of sleeping in the dining room, he feels like he hasn't gotten a full night's sleep in months. Eddie, though, sighs deeply and shuts his eyes.
"You okay?" Buck asks softly.
"Okee" Sage repeats in the back. "Okee, okee."
Eddie flashes him a small smile. "Just tired."
Concern floods Buck. He knows Eddie like the back of his hand. He's seen him worn down beyond recognition, angry, upset. He knows what it looks like when he's trying to hide himself away. "I think you've been working too hard."
"A few extra shifts is nothing," Eddie says with a wave of his hand. He opens his eyes as if to prove it.
"You pulled a forty-eight and then went back for a twenty-four less than twelve hours later."
He flinches. "Sorry for leaving you alone."
"No, it was fine," Buck says in exasperation. Chris had been at a sleepover that second night so at least he only had one kid to contend with. "But you literally fight me every time I offer to take a shift instead of you."
"You shouldn't have to."
"Neither should you," Buck insists. "We make plenty. We don't have to take extra-"
"Metson's kid was sick," Eddie reminds him. "That's why I covered."
"Yeah, and then Ravi sprained his ankle and Gina's sister had her baby and Pearson was on vacation," Buck says. "I know the reasons, but you have two kids and not much free time anyway. With our schedules, I'd think you'd want to spend as much time at home as you can."
Eddie sighs. "I do."
"What happened? This started, what, a few months ago? What changed?" They pull into the nearly empty daycare parking lot. Buck looks at Eddie, at the exhaustion in his eyes.
"Trying to save up so we can get a house faster."
"I… I know we've wanted to get a new house," Buck says, "but why the rush?"
"I'm tired, Buck."
"And maybe taking so many extra shifts isn't helping."
Eddie huffs. "Let's get Sage inside."
"Wait, Eddie."
Eddie pauses with his seatbelt halfway off. "Yeah?"
Buck searches his face. "Fifty-fifty, remember?"
Eddie deflates. "Yeah, I… I know. Sorry."
Buck cups his cheek and he leans into the warmth. "It's alright. Just promise to talk to me when you're feeling like this."
"I promise."
With that, Buck nods to let Eddie know he can leave the car. Eddie reaches Sage first and unclips her from her seat, and by the time Buck circles around she's already wiggling to walk around.
She loves walking. She always keeps one hand in a grown-up's when they're out and about but her favorite thing is to show off her cruising skills.
Eddie sets her down and she lets them each hold one of her hands. Buck grabs the diaper bag from the footwell and follows Sage toward the door. And Sage truly is leading them. She tugs on their arms until they lift her up and giggles at the feeling of weightlessness.
Since Buck has the diaper bag Eddie enters the code to the daycare entrance- all parents have the code but any visitors have to be buzzed in- and they step onto the faded brown carpet. They head to the infant room on the right, though Sage is only a month or two away from moving to the young toddler room.
"Good morning," the lead teacher, Miss Crystal, calls chipperly from where she crouches next to the fridge. "How are we today?"
Buck releases his hold on Sage, as does Eddie, and Sage takes off toward Miss Crystal with a cackle. He sets her diaper bag in her cubby against the left wall.
If he's honest, he understands why Eddie has been taking extra shifts. But Eddie deserves to relax as much as he can after everything he's been through in his life. All he wants to do is take care of the people he loves.
The problem is that this isn't sustainable. Even Bobby gave him a concerned twice-over last time Eddie said he'd cover for someone. He's been working an extra twelve to twenty-four hours every week or so for a few months. Add that to the questionable sleep he gets in the dining room, the baby who takes up most of his free time, and the fact that he hasn't had a chance to slow down at all, and he must be purely, unadulteratedly exhausted.
Bobby's right to worry. Eddie's not the same guy they first met, taking extra shifts to cover costs. Even then he'd complain and groan and practically pass out in the bunks. He put in so much work at the academy and then as a probie to assert himself as capable, but he'd pushed himself too hard and forced himself far past his limits. It took him years to work through it all and now it feels like he's backsliding.
Like Buck said, he knows Eddie.
He's noticed how sluggish Eddie is when they're not on calls as if the only thing keeping him going is adrenaline. His eye keeps twitching, too, though Buck's pretty sure he doesn't know Buck noticed.
"Dada," Sage shrieks as she smacks into his legs and wraps them in a hug.
"Hey, baby girl," he says, crouching down to give her a hug. He can't get over how tiny she is but also how much she's grown in the sixteen months since Natalia brought her to Eddie's door.
"Dada no," she says, which he takes to mean that she doesn't want him to leave. She squeezes as hard as her little arms can.
"Sorry, Sage. Deedee and I have to go to work."
She pulls away far enough to show him her quivering lower lip and shiny eyes. "Deedee!"
Buck looks up at Eddie and drops to one knee because his balance is off. "She wants us to stay."
Drop-offs are usually fine, but sometimes she has a rough one. Usually when she senses something wrong. She definitely heard their little disagreement in the car and doesn't want to leave them alone.
Eddie squats down beside them. "Carla's picking you up later," he says softly. So goddamn soft all the time. "We'll see you tomorrow."
As if she has any idea of the concept of "tomorrow."
"No!" she cries.
"I'm sorry," Buck says again. He stands, knowing the longer they stay the harder it will be. He's seen parents drop their kids at the door and bolt to avoid the tears. He'd never do that, but it always hurts to leave her when she's so obviously upset. "I love you. I'll see you soon."
She whines and clings to his legs as he carefully makes his way to the door, and then to Eddie's once he dislodges her. Her wailing echoes through the hall all the way to the front.
They head to the car and Buck hops in.
Once they're buckled, settled, and on the road, Buck feels Eddie take his hand gently. He squeezes his fingers.
The ride to the station is short and silent, except for a Lauren Jaregui song playing through the speakers on some top 40's station. Buck plays with Eddie's fingers the whole time, whose eyes are half-lidded as his head bounces against the headrest.
When they reach the station they both grab their duffel bags from the trunk- their family has so many huge bags. Buck and Eddie both have duffels, Chris has a backpack full of school supplies, and Sage has her diaper bag. Both cars are constantly packed.
Eddie squeezes Buck's shoulder when they get to the door, nodding toward Bobby's office. Buck nods back, an acknowledgement that Eddie will go in there to talk to their captain, though Buck's not sure what about. He's a little ashamed to stand just outside to listen in.
"I got Ravi to take Garcia's shift," Bobby says before Eddie even steps fully over the threshold.
"What?" Eddie asks, shutting the door most of the way. Their voices become more muffled but Buck can still hear.
"You've reached your overtime limit for the month."
"I-"
"And even if you hadn't," Bobby interrupts, "you're running yourself into the ground."
One of the C-shift paramedics, Vernon, slows as he passes by, head quirked. "What are you doing?" he asks loudly.
"Sh!" Buck says with a wave of his hand.
Vernon shakes his head and moves on.
"Why do you keep asking for overtime?" Bobby asks. "Is there something going on I need to worry about?"
"No, nothing. Just trying to save up for a house."
"Do you two need help?" Concern drips from Bobby's voice, so low that Buck has to strain to hear. "Buck hasn't said anything."
"We're fine. I don't want him to work extra, that's all. I know what it's like to miss out on your kid growing up and he doesn't deserve that."
Buck cracks open the door, glad for the silent hinges. He's about to burst in there and argue with Eddie about it all, but he sees that Bobby has taken the seat beside Eddie and leaned toward him. Eddie's shoulders are hunched and his head down, a clear sign that he's uncomfortable and guarded. The last thing Buck wants to do is make him feel worse or incapable of caring for himself.
"You don't have to do it on your own," Bobby says, resting a hand on Eddie's shoulder. "And you shouldn't have to miss out on Sage, either."
"I know! I know. We already talked it out. But I already agreed to cover for Garcia."
"And I have it handled," Bobby says firmly. "You have a little break after this shift, so hang in there. No more overworking yourself, okay?"
Eddie nods. "Got it."
Bobby claps him on the shoulder and stands. "Now go get changed."
Buck spins around and sprints for the locker room, and Eddie must say something else to Bobby, because he's still in the office when Buck finishes changing and heads up to the loft. Buck fills two mugs with coffee and adds sugar and cream to one for Eddie, then throws some bread into the toaster oven.
Eddie arrives as Buck slides the toast, now covered in apricot preserves, to the other side of the island. He perches on a chair. "Bobby won't let me take Garcia's shift," he says.
"Good," Buck replies as he settles next to him.
"Buck-"
"Look, if you're worried about money, that's fine," Buck says softly. He leans closer so no one will hear if they wander up the stairs. "We can sit down tomorrow and look everything over, maybe figure out what we can afford and how much more we need to save. But we're doing it together, alright?"
Eddie nods, resigned. "Okay."
"We'll get through the shift, then you can take a nap all day, and then we'll look at the money."
"Sounds like a plan."
They get started on the party preparations shortly after that. Hen and Chim aren't here yet since it's his and Eddie's turn to decorate. Hen will probably show up early anyway, but Buck doesn't blame her for not wanting to run out of the house. She has a baby girl around Sage's age and he knows firsthand how hard it is to leave her behind.
Eddie takes point on the decorations while Buck stays in the kitchen putting together last-minute food. He assembles a few charcuterie boards because Julie is secretly a fancy lady, bakes cupcakes from some mix someone on the last shift made for him, and makes a bunch of little finger sandwiches for snacking.
True to form, Hen arrives early anyway and joins Eddie in hanging streamers, and Bobby walks up not long after that with an impressively decorated sheet cake that another firefighter must have brought. Even Chim stumbles in before Julie, hair crazy as if he'd rolled out of bed and straight into the car.
They hide out in the loft while Julie gets changed, and when she comes up the stairs they yell "Surprise" and "Happy birthday" like she's never had a birthday before. Everything goes well for a while: the C-shift joins in before closing out; Julie opens a few presents they all chipped in to buy; they eat and party until the alarm blares.
Bobby points at Buck and hops a few steps backward. "Eddie, you're man behind."
"Is this because I work too much?" Eddie asks.
"Yes!" Bobby calls out, already halfway down the stairs.
Buck shuffles by him, sad smile on his face. "Be right back."
"Yeah," he hears behind him as he bounds down the stairs.
They make it through the first chunk of their shift well enough, and when the station starts to wind down to sleep he pulls Bobby aside. "Hey, you gonna be in your office tonight?" he asks timidly.
Bobby raises an eyebrow. "Should I not be?"
Buck shrugs. "Eddie's really worn out, and I was hoping maybe we could take your pull-out couch for a few hours? Not all night, but enough that he might be able to get better sleep than in the bunks." The couch in Bobby's office has a bed in it that he uses instead of sleeping in the bunk room. Not many people know about it.
Bobby regards him with something just short of pity. It makes his skin crawl.
"Never mind," he says.
"Of course you can." Bobby steers him toward the locker room where Eddie is changing into LAFD sweats. "I'll clear out and work in the loft."
"Thanks," Buck replies, hoping that Eddie won't feel too bad about being coddled a little. He has a hard time letting himself be taken care of.
When Buck was a kid, he cuddled with Maddie every time his parents pushed his buttons too hard. Then he'd fall into bed with anyone who'd let him. These days it's usually Sage or Eddie. And he knows that Eddie, as reluctant as he is to admit it, loves cuddles, too. He'd hold Chris after a rough shift before he and Buck got together, so now Buck just wants to take care of him, and this is the only way he knows how at the moment.
It's a testament to how tired he is that he agrees immediately, and they head to Bobby's office while all the firefighters who decided to stay up pretend not to see them shut and lock themselves in. Even though they're alone, they still can't get too risqué, so all they do is make up the bed and lay down under the covers. He pulls Eddie in and runs a hand through his hair, relieved when Eddie fully relaxes against him. "Go to sleep, Eddie."
"Okay," Eddie agrees.
Bobby already said that if a call comes in they'd be men behind. The alarm goes off twice but the dispatcher over the speakers says they're both minor calls, and he holds Eddie tighter each time he tenses. Eddie doesn't fully wake even once.
After shift they go home and nap some more. Carla stays to entertain Sage, and when he's finally gotten enough sleep to be capable of complex thought he and Eddie sit at the coffee table with both of their laptops open while Sage runs around with a couple of ball pit balls.
Buck brings up their shared spreadsheet. "So we said we want to put down ten percent."
"Which in this economy is way too much," Eddie replies, rubbing the bridge of his nose.
"We can do it," Buck reassures him with a touch of a hand. "We both have forty thousand. That's almost there."
"But," Eddie protests, "we don't want to wipe out our savings." He reaches out a palm when Sage toddlers over with her horse outstretched. She places it in his hand. "Thank you for sharing," he says.
Sage sticks out her tongue and drops onto her butt on the floor. She turns to a pile of blocks and tries to stack them, though she has yet to move past four.
"We can use some of the money from selling the house."
"And where would we stay between selling and buying?"
Buck shrugs. "Property goes fast these days so we wouldn't be between places for long, and anyone would be happy to help us."
"Except Hen and Karen. They have their hands full."
Buck lays a hand on the back of his neck and squeezes gently. "True. But everyone else has at least one spare room."
Eddie sighs and nods.
Sage pokes Buck's leg for attention. She proudly holds up a saliva-covered block and practically throws it at the stack of three that she's already created, then stares after they topple loudly to the ground. "Try again, Sage," Buck says softly. He bends forward and starts the stack for her. "You can do it. I believe in you." She concentrates very hard and he turns back to Eddie. "Which brings us back to money."
"We can get the house appraised. That'll get us a better idea of what we can afford."
"What do you- we- still owe on the house?"
Eddie tilts his head and raises an eyebrow. " I still owe," he says emphatically, "this much." He opens a tab on his browser and logs into a bank account, and the number that pops up is… significant.
Buck isn't on the title of the house. They'd decided against it because they'd already planned on moving sooner than later. Seeing the number Eddie still owes makes Buck nauseous. "That's a lot."
"Yeah."
"I get why you took more shifts," Buck says. "But we need to do this together. We'd pocket enough for a down payment."
"I know," Eddie says, burying his face in his hands. "I just hate making other people do that much work."
"It's worth it." Buck smiles at him brightly. "Besides, we have enough now and we get paid enough that we won't have to take all that overtime. I did when I first got here because I was on my own. Now we have dual income."
"And twice as many kids."
"And half the housing payment each," Buck says. "Multiple salary increases since then. We're fine."
Eddie nods, lips pressed together. "Maybe you're right."
"Always am," Buck jokes and grins at Eddie's dubious expression. Sage bullies her way between his knees and he lifts her up onto his lap. "Sage, can you say 'house?'"
"Ose," she says, which sounds suspiciously close to "horse."
"Good job," he says anyway.
"Ose!" She yells. "Dada ose!"
"I think she wants her horse," Eddie whispers.
"Deedee ose!" Sage agrees.
Buck hands over her horse and she grins. "What do you say?" he prompts.
"Tak."
"Good job saying thank you."
He looks back at Eddie to find a soft expression, one full of love and warmth. "Want to look at agents?"
Eddie takes a deep breath. "Yeah, sure."
—
Buck wakes up the next day to his alarm. He tries to keep his sleep schedule as consistent as possible even on days off, though that's virtually impossible with his hours at the firehouse. But he wants Sage to have consistency, so he puts in the effort.
He rolls over to Eddie, who usually wakes to the same alarm. They'd separated at some point in the night. He reaches over and brushes his fingers down Eddie's cheek, still and slack with sleep.
It's warm. Not very, but enough to be concerning.
"Eddie?" he whispers.
Eddie groans and rolls forward a bit until his face is buried between their pillows. "I'm awake," he mumbles.
"Are you feeling okay?"
"No."
Buck bends down to kiss his temple, which is definitely warm. "Alright, I've got you." He twists enough to pick up the baby monitor, and Sage, unsurprisingly, has woken up and is staring directly into the camera. Since the monitor uses night vision, her eyes glow. The first few times she did it unsettled him but he's gotten pretty used to it. "But I have to get Sage first."
Eddie nods. "I'll be here."
He stands and backs out of the room, eyes on Eddie cuddling up to Buck's pillow. He forces himself to open the curtain and step into the hall. He nearly bumps into Chris.
"Hey, Buck," Chris says groggily.
"Morning. Hey, can you start some healthy breakfast for your dad? He's not feeling great."
Chris yawns. "Sure, whatever." He walks past the curtain and greets Eddie, and the kitchen door opens with a tiny squeak.
"Healthy, Chris!" Buck calls after him. He shakes his head and keeps moving, pausing only for a quick pit stop in the bathroom before cracking Sage's door open with a smile. "Where's my girl?"
Sage squeaks. The light from the hallway barely illuminates the room but Buck can see her silhouette now standing in the crib, fists wrapped around the bars, bouncing happily.
Buck flicks on the soft lamp on the dresser. "There she is!"
Sage squeaks again and bounces more aggressively. Buck, never one to leave her hanging for long, beelines over to her and lifts her up with a whooshing sound before settling her on his hip. "Good morning," he says to her. "How'd you sleep?"
She babbles at him and wiggles a little. He smooths her hair away from her face. He needs to wash and condition it tonight.
He lays her on the changing table for a fresh diaper and takes the opportunity to also put her in clothes for the day: a pair of gray pants and a floral purple shirt with bees on it. Once done, he lifts her again and carries her down the hall.
When he flicks open the curtain with his elbow it's to the sight of Eddie with his back against the headboard. He digs at his eyes with his fingers as if to stave off a headache. Buck sees Chris in the kitchen putting… hash browns in the microwave. "I said healthy, Chris," before he sits on his side of the bed with Sage in his lap.
"I know!" comes the reply.
"Hash browns are not healthy."
"Potatoes are a vegetable."
Buck sighs and shakes his head. He lets Sage start to make her way over to Eddie, but Eddie raises his hands. "I don't want to get her sick."
Buck glares at him. "You're sick because you've been working seventy hours a week for months. She's fine."
He nods slowly and allows Sage to cuddle against him face-first. "I'm surprised you haven't taken my temperature yet."
"They say you should wait twenty minutes after waking up."
"Who does?"
Buck shrugs. "I don't know. People."
Chris appears with a plate in hand and sets it on the bedside table. "Are you sick?"
"A little," Eddie says.
"I'm going to get you some water, " Buck says.
Looking at agents hadn't helped. They're freaking expensive, especially if they want a good one. Maddie and Chim barely dealt with theirs so that's not much of a character reference. Hen's and Athena's agents seem to have retired years ago and Eddie's from when he moved to LA lives in Chicago now. No one they know can give them a recommendation so they spent over an hour meticulously reading reviews online which got them exactly nowhere. It all seems hopeless and overwhelming.
He gets it. A small part of him feels the sudden need to take on extra, too, to make the whole process easier.
But they're fine. They can handle it together.
He gets Eddie some water and whips up a little breakfast for himself and Chris. He sets Chris's on the table, grabs some Cheerios for Sage, and circles the corner to the dining room turned bedroom to find that Eddie and Sage have dozed off together. Eddie's food sits untouched on the mattress beside him, so Buck moves the plate and settles with one knee bent and his own food on his lap.
An idea pops into his head when his phone rings and flashes with Hen's name. He holds it up to his ear and answers with a soft voice, even as he makes eye contact with a sleepy Sage. "Hey, Hen. What's up?"
"Hey, Buckaroo," she says. Her voice is a balm to his nerves as always. "How's Eddie doing?"
Of course she's asking about Eddie. He'd been off all last shift and everyone had noticed. Buck's not surprised that she called to check in instead of waiting until tomorrow. "He, uh, came down with something," Buck says. Sage reaches toward him and he sets his plate aside long enough to carefully pick her up and settle her on his lap.
"Oh no! Anything we can do? Bring over food?"
Buck shakes his head even though he knows she can't see and hands Sage her bowl of Cheerios and a sippy cup of water. "No, I have food covered. Actually, I was thinking maybe I could bring Sage over for a playdate?"
"Oh, sure. When?"
"Today?" Buck picks up a few stray Cheerios and holds them in his palm for Sage to take with her slobbery fingers. "I was hoping to give Eddie a quiet day at home."
"Of course! You know you're all welcome any time."
"Okay, I'll… I'll bring her over in a bit."
"Sounds good. Just let me know when you're on your way."
Buck says his goodbyes and picks up a piece of his avocado toast. A few crumbs fall into Sage's hair, lost to the curls. "How do you feel about having a playdate with Moriah?"
"Momo!" Sage says. Yeah, she can't say many words.
"Mor-i-ah," he says slowly.
"Mo-mo-mo."
Buck pokes her cheek. "Good try."
Chris ambles by to the kitchen for his breakfast and Eddie sort of hunches to the side until his head rests on Buck's shoulder.
Eddie never does this. Not the leaning on Buck part but the getting sick part. In the entire time they've known each other, Buck has never seen him with anything more than a cold. Even those had been mild and lasted a day or two at most. This is different: worn out, worn thin, unable to get out of bed.
Buck takes the hand that isn't wrapped around Sage and shakes Eddie's thigh gently until his partner wakes up with a soft grunt. "Eddie, try to eat something. I'm going to take Sage to Hen's for a while."
Eddie sits up fully, brow furrowed. "You don't have to do that."
"Let me focus on you today," Buck pleads.
Eddie must see the longing in his face because he nods slowly. "Okay."
Eddie has a hard time letting people take care of him. He spent his youth taking care of his sisters, and then he spent the bulk of his young adulthood taking care of himself and then Chris. He devotes his life to helping others and saving lives, so Buck has realized that giving in and allowing someone else to take the reins for even a day is like rewiring his brain.
Buck can relate. He'd had to take care of himself for so long after Maddie left that by the time he found people who wanted to help him again it felt like taking advantage. He wishes he knew how to make it better, to show Eddie how to get to the point where it didn't feel like peeling off his own skin, but he doesn't. He's not even there most of the time. Concern from others too often feels like pity.
So all he can do is get Sage dressed, put together her bag for the day, and ask Eddie if he wants to come along or stay home.
"I'll stay with Chris," Eddie says, though he hasn't gotten up yet.
"He's a teenager. He'll be fine for half an hour," Buck replies. "What do you want to do?"
Eddie thinks about it for longer than expected, and Buck has half a mind to make the decision for him. Buck would bet his next paycheck that Eddie is weighing the pros and cons right now, trying to figure out where he'd be most useful. Then he says in a sad voice, "I'll stay home."
Buck has to stretch in order to run his fingers through Eddie's hair but Eddie leans closer to make it easier for him. "Try to take a shower. It always makes you feel better. I'll be back."
"Love you," Eddie sighs.
"Love you, too." Buck bounces Sage on his hip. "What do you say, Sage?"
"Bye, bye," Sage says with a dramatic wave of the hand.
Buck chuckles. "Can you say 'I love you?'"
Sage's cute little face scrunches up in concentration. "La-la-yuh."
Which is the closest she's ever gotten. Both men's faces light up. "Good job!" Buck lauds.
She grins at him and wiggles until he lets her down, and they walk out of the house side-by-side, pausing only long enough for her to say, "La-la-la," at Chris through his bedroom door.
—
Hen opens the door before Buck helps Sage get up the last step to the porch. He has to lift her most of the way but she still puts in a good deal of effort. He releases her hand and lets her baby-sprint past Hen's legs and into Karen's waiting arms.
Hen raises an eyebrow. "Eddie came down with something, huh?" she asks doubtfully.
"Hi to you, too."
"Hello. Now answer the question."
Buck could be sarcastic and say she didn't ask a question, and he has half a mind to. She's giving him a bit of an attitude, too. They've gotten stuck in sarcastic conversations which only ended with outside intervention. Maddie once commented that they sounded like siblings to Hen when she thought Buck couldn't hear.
Instead of answering sarcasm with sarcasm, he says, "Yeah. You know when you work too hard and it messes with your immune system?"
Hen nods and tilts her head.
"Yeah. That." He shrugs. "We woke up this morning and it's like he came down with the flu or something."
"Well," she says as she takes a step back and nods into the house, "Karen and I whipped something up for him."
"Oh. Thanks." He slips past her and smiles down at Sage, who grins back before making her way to the hamper of toys in the corner.
The door latches shut. "It's not much. Just some soup."
"Still, thanks."
Denny appears from one of the bedrooms with Moriah in his arms; she can walk a little, but not as well as Sage, and she prefers to be held still. She sucks on a pacifier and watches Buck warily. "Say hi, Moriah," Denny says.
She waves timidly at him.
Moriah isn't totally used to him yet. He gets it. She's fairly new to the Wilson family and he hasn't had the chance to spend a lot of time with her. She's not even entirely comfortable with Sage.
According to Hen, Moriah spent the first few months of her life essentially alone. Her first foster home hadn't been the most loving. She wasn't abused or neglected, but from what Buck gathers it was a lot like his own home growing up: emotionally absent caretakers, though she didn't have a Maddie to fill in the gap. Moriah spent some very important formative months playing alone, missing out on social interaction. She'll get better with people but it will take time.
"Hi, Moriah," Buck says softly. "Can I hold you?"
She regards him for a moment before reaching toward him, and he carefully takes her in his arms. "Thank you," he says.
He feels Sage wrap around his leg and bounce, and when he glances down he sees her practically glaring at him. "Dada up," she demands.
He laughs, squats down, and manages to help her climb onto his hip. When he stands he has both girls and three Wilsons smirking at him. "I see you're the jungle gym," Karen says, crossing her arms.
He smiles. "Wouldn't have it any other way."
Karen turns to the kitchen and Buck follows with Moriah sitting upright on one arm and Sage cuddling the other. "Tell Eddie to take a break."
"He's got the day," Hen says. "Hopefully he'll feel better by shift tomorrow." She picks up a lidded, insulated glass bowl filled with soup.
"I'll probably get home to him cleaning the house," Buck replies.
Hen shakes her head. "Is Chris home?"
"Yeah."
"That kid won't let him run himself into the ground."
Buck can picture Chris pinning Eddie onto the couch with a glare. Eddie would listen to him even if it was through guilt alone. "You're right."
"Always am."
Buck rolls his eyes fondly. "Yeah, yeah. Now can you take the girls so I can get back to my partner?"
Hen sets down the bowl and takes Sage while Karen takes Moriah. "Go on, lover boy."
Buck picks up the soup. "Thanks, guys."
He's back home twenty minutes later, turning his key in the lock. He swings open the door and is met with the exact scene he imagined: Eddie sitting petulantly on the couch and Chris watching him from the armchair. "Hey, guys," Buck says.
Eddie twists in his seat, resting one bent arm on the back of the couch. "Hi."
Buck sets the bowl on the table and runs a hand over Eddie's head before kissing his head. "Let me guess; you were trying to clean."
Eddie drops back to look up at Buck, brow furrowed. "We slept all day yesterday."
"Sometimes we need rest."
"I made him sit down," Chris says.
"Thanks, kid."
God, Buck wasn't even gone an hour and Eddie already tried to do chores. And people say Buck needs to be needed.
He can see where Eddie's coming from. With a toddler running around they don't have much time to tidy. There are toys scattered around the floor, kicked to the side so Chris won't trip but otherwise left there in favor of chasing Sage. The place hasn't been dusted in a while and the only time they sweep or vacuum is if there's a visible mess courtesy of their daughter.
Carla offered a while ago to clean while the kids were asleep, but Eddie and Buck had turned her down. She was a home health aide, not a nanny or a housekeeper. Caring for Sage already crossed the line into "not in her job description."
"I take care of my boys," she'd said with a hand on Buck's cheek. "And now my girl."
They agreed to let her clean up a little. No deep cleaning. Buck's pretty sure she still does, otherwise the house would look much worse.
Buck considers taking the opportunity of Sage's playdate to clean, but he knows that would make Eddie feel guilty. No, the best way to help Eddie is to take it easy.
He puts the soup in the fridge for now and plops down on the couch beside Eddie. He waits until Chris stands to leave the room with a flippant, "I'm going to my room," and then sinks onto his side on the couch.
Eddie needs to be needed, but he shouldn't run himself into the ground to prove it. This is enough.
Buck uses Eddie's lap as a pillow and sighs when Eddie's fingers tangle in his hair. They rarely lay like this. The only chance they get is if Sage is asleep, and even then they usually use that time to clean or to sleep themselves. The more Buck thinks about it, actually, the less time they've had to relax.
He feels Eddie's thighs go slack and his fingers slow. Buck allows himself to fully relax, as well, only making the effort to turn on something light on the TV. It's inane, mindless. It's exactly what they need.
He wraps an arm around Eddie's leg and draws circles with his thumb. Eddie reciprocates by rubbing his hand along Buck's arm from shoulder to elbow and back up. Eddie squeezes. "You know I love you, right?"
Buck hums. "I know. I love you, too."
—
Buck lurches awake to his ringtone. He swings an arm blindly toward where he left his phone on the coffee table and answers with squinted eyes. The clock on the wall says it's nearly two, which means Buck has been sleeping for over an hour. He wonders for a moment if Eddie fell asleep, too, but his answer comes when Eddie's limp hand slips from its resting place on his neck.
So Eddie's resting. Good.
"Hey," Buck says groggily into the phone.
"Hey, Buck," Hen says.
Buck sits up quickly. She wouldn't have called right now if everything was fine because she knows Eddie needs a day off. "What's going on?"
"Moriah bit Sage," Hen says. "Didn't break the skin but she has a bruise."
Buck scrubs a hand down his face. He hears Sage crying in the background. "Okay. Okay, Hen, you have more experience with this than I do. What do I do here?"
"You stay home with Eddie. Take care of him. She's going to be fine."
"I have to take care of her, too."
Hen sighs. "Listen to me. She's fine. I called you because you should know, not so you could run off on your baby daddy at the first sign of trouble."
"And when he finds out, he'll want to come get her himself."
"I get it," Hen says, sympathy dripping from her tone. "But you both need a break."
Buck laughs bitterly. "Like I'm going to be able to relax now."
"She's fine," Hen reiterates.
"I can hear her crying." His voice cracks on the last word. Sage has been his weakness since the moment he saw her. He's helpless to her.
"If she's still crying in half an hour I'll call you back and you can come get her."
Buck huffs. He can hear Chris's video game in the other room. "Fine. Just… Tell her I love her."
They say their goodbyes and he signs off. He twists enough to see Eddie leaned against the arm of the couch, sound asleep. He carefully lowers Eddie into a more comfortable position and wanders over to lean in Chris's doorway, because if he can't see one kid he can at least see the other. And he watches. He watches Chris not paying attention to anything but his computer screen.
Buck has fought for Chris, for everyone in his family. He's fought for everyone he loves, bloodied his fingers trying to keep them safe. He'd wade through another tsunami if it meant keeping his kids safe.
Eventually Chris must sense his presence because he takes off his headphones and turns in his chair. That or the round of whatever game he was playing ended. "Hi?"
"Hey."
"Everything okay?"
"Yeah, everything's fine," Buck says. He gestures at Chris's bed. "Can I sit?"
Chris rolls his eyes. "Yes, Buck."
Buck feels the ghost of a smile and takes the few steps over to Chris's bed, sitting at the foot of it the way he has so many times. "Your dad's taking a nap."
"All he's done is sleep the past few days," Chris says, concerned. He looks at Buck like Buck has all the answers.
"He needs it. You know how much he's been working."
"Do we need money? Is that why he's doing this?"
"No, no," Buck reassures him quickly. "We're fine. It's just… You know how we talked to you about moving?"
"Yeah," Chris says, hands fiddling with his controller. "So you two can have a bedroom again."
"Your dad got in his head about it. It's not cheap. We're fine, and we can do it, but it costs a lot to buy a house these days."
"I already know that. That's not why you came in here, though, is it?"
Buck lets his eyes fall shut. Chris isn't a kid anymore, not really. Buck and Eddie both need to remind themselves sometimes that he's not the same little boy who convinced Buck to take him to the pier instead of the movies, or who climbed on a skateboard just because he thought it would be fun. Chris is older and more thoughtful now when he wants to be. "No," Buck says. "It isn't."
"Then why?"
Buck looks at Chris, this teenager who assigned himself the role of older brother the day he met Sage. "Moriah bit Sage."
The protective older brother instincts rise quickly to the surface. Chris sits up a little straighter and abandons his controller on his desktop. "Is she okay? Why didn't you go get her?"
"Hen says she's fine. I'll pick her up later. I just… I don't know, I wanted to see you, you know?"
"You need to go get her," Chris says resolutely. "She shouldn't be scared."
He feels himself split in half. "I don't want that, either, but Eddie needs me more right now."
Chris sits in silence for a while. Buck knows him well enough to see the wheels turning in his head. He wishes he could read Chris's mind the way he can Eddie's sometimes.
Then, Chris says, so quietly Buck almost misses it, "I've been scared so many times. Sage shouldn't feel that."
"Oh, my God," Buck breathes. He shoots to his feet and gathers Chris in his arms. They hold each other for a long time, long enough that Buck starts to rock back and forth a little. "I am so sorry. I'll go get her." Anything if it takes that look of Chris's face.
"Wait," Chris mumbles. "You're sure she'll be fine?"
"That's what Hen said, and she never lies."
"I guess."
Buck pulls away and looks him in the eye, hands on his shoulders. "Did you ever get bit as a kid?"
"I don't remember," Chris replies with a shrug.
"Exactly." Buck crouches down. "It's part of growing up. Happens to everyone. I mean, Sage bit me not long ago."
"And you're okay."
"I am." Buck shows Chris his finger, which has tiny, barely perceptible white lines where Sage's teeth cut through him. "I have a scar, but I'm fine, and Hen said Moriah didn't even break the skin."
Chris nods, but he still looks doubtful. "I don't want her to feel the things I did."
Buck's smile wavers. He feels his chest tighten. Kind of wants to puke. Chris has been through too damn much in his short life, things that Buck can't even imagine. There are things that Chris has experienced that he's probably only told his therapist and that he never intends to share. "Not everything, though."
"What do you mean?"
Buck drops his head for a second and then looks back up. "You've been through a lot, sure, but a lot of it has been good. You have friends and a family who loves you. You've gone to camp and parties and have those online video games."
The kid fiddles with the joystick of his controller again. The menu screen on his computer flashes with a loop of gameplay, something about fighting ogres or giants. "Sometimes the good stuff is hard to think about."
"Why?" He's pretty sure he knows the answer: when the good gets mixed up with the bad, it often feels like the bad will always win out.
"The good always ends."
"So does the bad," Buck says. "And just because Sage got hurt doesn't mean she's going to go through the same things you have. Besides, she's got me and your dad looking out for her. And you," he adds with emphasis, tapping a finger on Chris's knee.
"The way you and Dad look out for me."
"That's right. We always will."
Chris hugs Buck again, arms tight around his shoulders.
Buck is powerless in the grand scheme of things; they all are. He can do this, though. He can comfort Eddie, Chris, and, later, Sage. It feels like the universe made him for this family.
—
By the time he makes his way back to the living room after indulging Chris in a two-player round of his game, Eddie's awake and perched blearily on the couch with his phone open on his lap. "Where'd you go?" he asks mildly.
Buck sits on the arm of the couch and swings his legs onto Eddie's thighs. He could tell Eddie about Sage getting bitten. He should tell him. But he can't bring himself to just yet. Eddie has a bit more color to his cheeks but not nearly as much as usual. He needs longer to rest, longer without worry. "Video games."
Eddie fishes his phone from under Buck's legs and uses them as a table, resting his arms there. "Did you at least tell Chris to do his homework?"
Buck waves a hand and then lets it fall onto Eddie's shoulder. "He knows he has to do it."
Eddie levels him with a glare from the corner of his eyes but it lacks any punch. "That doesn't mean he will."
"True."
Eddie buries himself back into his phone screen, though Buck can't see what he's so focused on from this angle. He has a privacy filter courtesy of May, who introduced him to it and he couldn't install it fast enough. The guy is crazy about his privacy; he won't even get a doorbell with a camera because he doesn't want their faces recorded. He alluded once to the possibility of a hacker or something, which Buck couldn't even argue with considering the surprising number of times they've had to deal with hackers on the job.
Anyway.
Eddie scrolls on his phone and Buck slides down onto the cushion beside him, leaning forward to rest his chin on Eddie and wrap him in his arms. "What's so interesting?"
Eddie tilts the phone a bit until Buck can barely see some darkened words and a photo, though he can only make out the silhouette. "Ravi is apparently in a group chat with some landlords, and he told them we were looking for a realtor."
"You found someone?" Buck asks as he scoots closer.
"Bev Callison. Callison Realty."
He takes the phone and reads the website Eddie has pulled up. Bev is, apparently, from the middle of Illinois, but she and her husband moved to LA a number of years ago. She seems nice enough, and there's a testimonials section on her website filled with nothing but positive comments. "And we like her because?"
"Go back to the last page," Eddie says. He swipes his finger across the screen, which takes Buck to search results. "See?"
Bev has four point nine stars with a total of 189 reviews. That's… Really good, actually.
"Yelp has the same kind of reviews."
"So we're just going to take the word of one of Ravi's landlord friends?" Buck asks doubtfully. "Don't get me wrong: I love Ravi, but he's the only landlord I've ever met who wasn't sleazy as hell."
"What about Mr. Lozano?"
"He tried to make me pay for replacement fire extinguishers when I told him they were over ten years old."
Eddie purses his lips and nods. "Point taken. But," he says when Buck opens his mouth to reply, "Ravi apparently got Bev's name a month or so ago and met up with her for lunch. He says she's a… What did he call her? A positive presence?"
"Positive presence? Well, I'm sold."
"Stop with the sarcasm." Eddie shakes Buck's knee. "We wanted a recommendation and now we have one. We can at least give her a chance."
Buck gives the phone back. "Fine, we can talk to her."
Eddie smiles, still tense but less so than the past few days. Months even. "That's all I ask."
"As long as I can do this," Buck says. He kisses Eddie on the cheek dramatically.
Eddie laughs. "Any time." He turns his head and catches Buck's lips the next time Buck leans in.
Buck wants it all. He has it all, really: kids, a boyfriend he loves and who loves him back, and a job that gives him purpose. He has it all and he loves the life he's built.
He just wishes he could have it whenever he wants.
Case in point: he and Eddie haven't had sex in weeks, and not for lack of trying. He's already practically in Eddie's lap. He tangles a hand in Eddie's hair as Eddie's fingertips dig into his hip and pull him closer. He opens his mouth and Eddie does, too, and he sticks his tongue in and tastes coffee. His upper lip starts to burn from the friction from stubble. His free hand wraps tightly around Eddie's shoulders and he feels Eddie starting to get hard, overly excitable because of how damn long it's been. Buck feels his own bulge growing from making out alone, and the instant Eddie so much as gets a hand near him, he moans, and Eddie moans back.
They'll have to take this to bed at this rate. They have this rule to not have sex on the couch, a rule they have yet to break. He's about to stand, to urge Eddie after him, because if anything is going to relax Eddie it'll be this.
A door opens.
They rip apart in an instant. Buck leans on the arm of the couch so far that his back bends and his head hangs over the edge. He throws a hand over his eyes and heaves in a deep breath because not kissing Eddie right now feels like someone jammed the jaws of life between his ribs and flipped the switch. He might actually cry or lose his damn mind and he can't have anyone see that.
He feels a blanket get thrown over his lap and Eddie's steadying arm rest over his abdomen. "Hey, Chris," Eddie says.
"Oh, God," Chris replies, clearly scandalized. The kid's not stupid. Anyone with half a brain cell would be able to tell exactly what was going on.
Buck peeks past his fingers to see Eddie not-so-subtly hiding his lips. "What's, uh. What's going on?" Eddie asks casually.
"Should I go over to Devin's?" Chris asks.
"No!" Buck says quickly. He sits up and lets his hand drop. Chris looks like he's about to bolt, eyes wide, and Buck will be damned if he makes Chris leave the house just so he can have sex. Not only would it be unfair, but it would kill the mood. It's not like back when he had roommates to kick out if he had a partner over. This is Eddie's kid. Buck's kid.
Jesus, he should have had Chris out of the house, too. Hindsight is twenty-twenty or whatever.
"This," Chris says, indicating the whole situation, "gross." He walks away.
Eddie falls over and buries his face in Buck's shirt. "I cannot believe that happened."
Buck squeezes the back of his neck. "I'm seeing the argument for a house now."
"How soon do you think Bev could come over?"
—
The answer to that, apparently, is two days.
They call her that afternoon, give her Ravi's landlord friend's name, and schedule an in-house meeting with her for Monday. By the time they get off the phone and goad Chris out of his room, he looks less scandalized and Eddie looks more relaxed. He's still under the weather, though, so Buck heats up the soup from the Wilsons and has Eddie eat it at the kitchen table. Eddie barely even grumbles about it once Buck sits down to join him.
Eddie insists on going with him to pick up Sage, and Buck does his best on the drive to keep calm. He fails, evidently, because Eddie draws his attention with a hand on his knee and says, "Pull over."
Buck immediately turns on his signal and finds the nearest parking lot to stop in, this little local coffee shop slash café that's a little pricey but much better tasting than any chain he's gone to. "You okay?" he asks as soon as the car is in park.
Eddie raises an eyebrow. "I don't know, are you ?"
Buck sighs, stomach dropping. "Okay, so you know how I said we needed to be totally honest with each other?"
Eddie draws back. "Yes?"
"So don't freak out, because everything's fine. I didn't want you to worry."
Eddie crosses his arms. Buck sees him drawing inward, guarded. "Sounds familiar."
"I know, I'm sorry."
Eddie's voice is quieter this time, as if he can hear how timid Buck feels. "Tell me."
Buck takes a steadying breath. "Moriah bit Sage on the cheek earlier."
Eddie says nothing for a moment, eyes trained on Buck's face. "I'm guessing she's okay."
"Yeah! Yeah, Hen said she didn't break the skin. I would have told you if it was serious."
"You should have told me anyway."
"You needed-"
"She's my daughter, too," Eddie cuts in.
That stings. That… That's not fair. Of course Buck understands that.
"I'll be the judge of what I need," Eddie continues.
Buck scoffs. "Cause you've done such a great job of that recently. You were practically bedridden this morning."
"It's a little hypocritical to tell me off for withholding information and then do the same thing, don't you think?"
"What, you think we should tell each other everything all the time? Or am I allowed to be worried about you?"
"That's not-" Eddie cuts himself off with a huff and hangs his head. "Look, I get it. Just keep me in the loop in the future, okay?"
Buck taps his fingers on the steering wheel and stares at the coffee shop door. "Yeah, okay."
"Now let's go," Eddie says, flipping two fingers toward the road.
"Wait. First," Buck replies. He leans over the center console, grabs Eddie by the back of the neck, and kisses him deeply. They both have to work on some things, namely being open with each other even when they want to protect the other. Especially then.
Eddie sinks into Buck's grip for less than a minute before pulling away. He has a smile now, at least. "Let's go," he laughs.
Buck grins back but he's sure it doesn't reach his eyes. He won't be able to kiss away his and Eddie's problems forever.
They roll up to Hen's house a few minutes later and Buck spots Sage in the window, Karen supporting her as she stands on the couch. Her grubby little hands smear on the glass. She starts to bounce when she sees them, her mouth moving like she's calling out to them. Buck bends down and waves excitedly at her. She turns to look at Karen and points, and Karen nods and says something back.
Buck keeps smiling and waving as he approaches the door and sees Sage fling herself to the side. He's glad he routinely warns people about her penchant for wild, unpredictable movement no matter how many times they've heard it before. He can never be too careful. He's starting to understand Eddie's sleepover emails.
Although now that he thinks about it, Eddie only sent him an email about Chris once. After that Eddie had just said, "Good luck. Have fun."
Karen turns the knob and cracks the door but Sage is the one who opens it all the way, face-splitting, baby-toothed grin painted on her face. "Dada Deedee!"
Buck scoops her up and withstands the full force of her faceplant into his chest. He inspects the bite mark on her left cheek. It's even milder than Hen made it out to be: four indents and a little bruising but nothing to be concerned about. He turns until Eddie can see, too. "And how was your day?"
Sage babbles. She's definitely telling a whole story that he can't understand but he nods along anyway.
"She's okay?" he hears Eddie mumble as if he can't see her being her normal chipper self.
"Calm down, Papa Bear," Karen replies. "Want to come inside?"
"We all know once we come in we'll end up staying for dinner," Buck says, voice still pitched high as he nudges Sage's nose with his. She giggles.
Karen watches them with bright warmth in her eyes. "I'll grab her things."
Sage settles against Buck and closes her eyes. He rubs her back.
"Wore herself out, huh?" Eddie says softly. He's overflowing with love, and Buck can only pray that he won't end up feeling guilty for spending so much time at work away from her.
"Takes after us," Buck says. He doesn't mean it negatively but Eddie's face tightens a tiny bit anyway. Buck feels himself shrink down subconsciously. "Sorry."
Eddie sighs and shakes his head. "No need to be sorry. Just a little raw right now."
Buck shifts his weight a tiny bit toward Eddie. Most people wouldn't even notice the movement but Eddie does, and he reaches out and hooks a finger through Buck's belt loop to pull him close until they're pressed together with Sage giggling between them.
Karen reappears with Moriah in one arm and Sage's diaper bag in the opposite hand. Eddie leans over to grab it. "Thanks, Karen. And thanks for watching her."
"Of course!" Karen says happily. "You're all always welcome. Sorry about the bite."
"Bite," Moriah says.
Buck raises a brow. "Has she always said that?"
"No, she learned today." Karen looks sheepish. "Say sorry, Moriah."
Moriah tries, at least.
"Tell Hen we said goodbye," Buck says, and Sage waves her goodbyes as well.
Sage has passed out by the time they make their way the twenty steps to the jeep by the curb. Once she's secure and her diaper bag has been stashed in the footwell behind the driver's seat, they climb in and take off.
Eddie's quiet through the drive, staring out the window with this aching, pensive look on his face that Buck wants nothing more than to wipe away. There's nothing more he can say, though, that he hasn't already.
"The Wheels on the Bus" plays softly from the speakers. Buck leaves it on for the background noise. About halfway through the drive he sees Eddie absent-mindedly mouthing along to the words. Buck wants to kiss him, but he always wants to kiss him these days. All days. He's always sort of wanted to. He settles for holding out his hand, palm up, in a silent plea. He knows that sometimes Eddie doesn't want physical touch if he's overwhelmed, and he's good with that. He can handle it because he knows that it will pass.
And maybe it's not passing immediately, maybe Eddie's still a little upset about being called out for his overworking and Buck not telling him that Sage was bitten today. But he still threads his fingers between Buck's after a moment long enough that Buck almost draws back. He brings Buck's hand up and kisses the back of it before holding it gently in his lap.
—
Eddie says he feels well enough to go to shift the next day and Buck chooses to trust him. Eddie's kind enough not to mention that he definitely notices Buck watching him like a hawk.
After an average shift of average intensity, they head back home for a nap. Carla took Sage to the daycare for a few hours to give them some time but they pick her up before noon, anyway, because neither of them can stay away from her for long.
Bev Callison rings the doorbell at one o'clock on the dot.
Buck opens the door because Eddie has Sage and a ridiculous mess of avocado to contend with. "Hi, Ms. Callison?"
She holds out her right hand, the left holding a clipboard. "Call me Bev. Are you Mr. Buckley?"
"Buck," he says, shaking her hand. "Eddie's in the other room with our daughter. Come in."
Bev steps past him, eyes immediately assessing the space. They're hidden behind wire-frame glasses and her permed hair poufs out from her head like a burgundy dandelion, but she seems kind enough. This is just her job, Buck reminds himself. She's here to help them sell and then buy, so of course she needs to look around. "How many kids do you have?"
"Two," Buck says. "Chris is thirteen and Sage turns two next month."
"Any pets?"
He shakes his head. "No. There hasn't been a dog in here for over a year, and that was only one day."
Eddie appears from the dining-turned-bedroom with Sage holding his hand. "Chris keeps trying to convince us to get a dog. And we told him it was too much commitment. We're out of the house at weird hours."
"He had a hamster once," Buck says.
Bev smiles kindly. She has wrinkles at the corners of her eyes that show she does that a lot. "The hamster didn't do any damage, I hope? Or the dog?"
Eddie turns a guilty expression toward Buck, but what the hell is he suddenly guilty about? "No, they didn't." He puts a tiny bit of emphasis on the second word.
Oh, right. The holes in the wall from Eddie's breakdown. They'd patched them up with tape and paint but they're noticeable if looked at closely, as are the scuffs on the baseboards from Chris's crutches and the frantically scrubbed stains from finger paints on the kitchen tile. Bev will see every tiny flaw, every mark. They'll all bring down the value of the house.
Bev holds out her clipboard and lays a palm on the sheet on top. "Now, I want you to understand that this is not an appraisal. I have a partner that takes care of that. I'm here to meet you, see what you're looking for, and get started on finding you your dream home."
Eddie huffs out a laugh. "Dream home is pushing it. I'd settle for another bedroom."
Bev leans to the side and peeks past him. "Yes, I see your sleeping arrangements are… functional."
"For now," Buck says. "Can I get you something to drink? Water? Coffee?"
"A coffee would be nice, thank you."
Buck passes Eddie, who gestures to the couch. "Have a seat. Or would you like a tour?"
Bev requests a tour and Buck hears Eddie ask Sage to show her around. Sage starts to babble, and Buck imagines her running and pointing at things, maybe smacking some furniture. He fills a mug and wavers; he forgot to ask Bev if she wanted cream. He settles for bringing three coffees and the bottle of creamer to the living room and follows the voices down the hall.
It's a pretty short tour, all things considered. There are only two bedrooms and one bathroom to show off, after all. Then the dining slash bedroom, the kitchen, and the fenced-in backyard that Bev says is very nice. They go back to the living room and Bev takes the armchair, pouring a tiny dollop of creamer in before taking a sip. "Alright, I know at least three bedrooms is a must. Let's get a list of your wants, needs, and deal-breakers."
This they can do. Sage sits on Buck's lap with a tangle toy while the adults talk.
Needs: an extra bedroom, single floor, wide walkways, a backyard, and a sizable kitchen.
Wants: a breakfast bar (Eddie shakes his head with a smile on his face but allows it), a fence (they can build a fence if need be), a master bathroom.
As far as deal-breakers go, they kind of just list safety hazards for the kids. Buck jokingly says carpeted bathrooms but Bev nods seriously. "You'd be surprised how many houses from the mid-1900s have carpeted bathrooms," she says.
With the list done, Buck leads Bev to the door. "Thank you so much for coming by."
"Of course! It was lovely to meet you all." She pats her clipboard again. "I'll have the appraiser come by on Wednesday, so please keep the house clean. I'll put together a few options for you by then."
They thank her again and she sweeps out of the house, leaving behind the heady scent of potpourri.
"Ravi's landlord friends came in handy," Buck says as he locks the door. He glances at Sage by the couch before he catches sight of Eddie, whose body language screams discomfort. "Hey, you okay?"
Eddie nods. "Yeah. A little anxious, that's all."
"I get it. Things are going to move fast after this."
Eddie takes an audible breath. "We're ready. We've got this." He sounds like he's trying to convince himself.
Buck wanders over and helps Sage as she swings a leg to try to climb up onto the couch. This brings him closer to Eddie, whom he wants to hold but who clearly doesn't want that right now. He can tell when not to push, when his partner needs his space. "Yeah, we do," he agrees.
It takes a while longer for Eddie to warm back up completely. Chris is home, dinner's done, and Sage is asleep by the time he does.
Buck is elbow-deep in the dish sink when he hears Eddie patter into the kitchen. "You don't have to clean, Buck," he hears. "You cooked."
Buck shrugs, suds sloshing. "You suck at dishes," he jokes. Then, softer, "And you've been working so hard."
Eddie sidles up behind him and runs his hands down Buck's sides. "You don't need to compensate."
"I'm not."
"It's not a competition."
"Please let me do this."
Eddie wraps his arms around Buck's waist and Buck sinks into the touch, sponge dangling from his fingers. He closes his eyes. "Fine," Eddie says. "But I'm taking out the trash."
Which sort of messes up the chore chart that Eddie so meticulously made. It details tasks around the house decided mostly evenly between them, though Chris has a few more because Chris doesn't have a job and his CP prevents him from doing some more physical tasks so he gets menial tasks. It's not like swapping dishes for garbage duty will mess everything up, but Buck knows how carefully Eddie tries to adhere to the list. Buck had fully intended to do both. "But that's my job tonight," he protests.
"And dishes were mine," Eddie says. His hands drift a little lower until his pinkies brush Buck's waistband. "Fair trade."
"The garbage is nothing," Buck says. "I'm doing a lot more work." He's stopped cleaning, though, the sponge dropping into the water. He wipes his palms on the towel that he placed on the counter earlier, eyes still shut, then rests his hands on Eddie's.
Eddie hums, nose buried in Buck's neck. He takes a deep breath. "I think you need a shower," he mumbles.
"Oh, do I?" Buck laughs. His eyes pop open and he turns in Eddie's arms. "Now you're insulting me."
Eddie raises a brow and smiles softly. "I'm inviting you."
"That I can get behind," Buck says.
They have to wait for a few more hours, though, until Chris calls out a "Goodnight!" and closes himself in. Even after that they wander through the house because Chris might not go to sleep immediately and there are toys to tidy anyway. Buck needs to start being more firm with Sage about cleaning up after herself.
After a while, though, Eddie sighs heavily and yanks Buck to the bathroom. It's not exactly the pinnacle of romance in there. It's quick and quiet and dirty, but it's something. It's the best they can do right now since the bathroom is the only place they can get any semblance of privacy and cleanup is ridiculously easy.
It's still nice to have a moment and a bit of release.
Eddie wraps himself around Buck in bed and the curtains rustle as the AC clicks on. Buck wonders, half-asleep, how many more nights they'll have like this. Not cuddling in bed, obviously, because that's a done deal for however long they have left on this bitch of an earth. But the dining room and the curtains. Sneaking into and out of the bathroom for a late-night handjob because their bedroom doesn't have a door. In a few months, maybe, they'll be able to lock themselves in and actually have sex because even if both kids are out of the house- a rarity these days- having sex where they've eaten countless family meals feels wrong, like a violation.
How many more days in this house, this place that made Buck feel at home so effortlessly? He literally had to put in the work to make the station feel that way and it still usually doesn't since it's, well, work. His old apartment was okay and it was home because he lived there and had all his things, but this house? These people? His heart moved in before the loft had a chance to steal it.
He wonders how quickly they'll settle into the new place once they find it, how different it will be. Buck has more experience than most being kept up at night by strange ambient noise. How loud will the air conditioning be? The fridge? The traffic? Will the birds still wake them up screaming in the yard? Will it be drafty or creaky or unsettlingly quiet?
Eddie grumbles and tightens his hold. "Stop thinking so loud."
"Sorry."
Eddie huffs and rolls onto his back, and Buck worries for less than a second that he did something wrong. Then Eddie tugs on Buck's shoulder and Buck gets the memo, rests his head on Eddie's chest. Eddie scratches lightly on Buck's scalp with one hand while the other rests on his elbow. "Shh."
Buck's brain always rests when Eddie does this.
—
But the night isn't smooth.
Buck's brain quiets but Eddie's gets loud sometimes. The room doesn't help.
Eddie took a while to adjust to sleeping out here. Three entrances, no door to shut and lock. For Buck, the issue is privacy. For Eddie, it's safety.
Eddie has been back from the army for years now, but those years have been anything but easy. He's dealt with war zones in the bright streets of LA; with water, fire, and mud; he's lost or nearly lost most of the people he loves. He's done the therapy. He's still doing it.
Some nights are harder than others.
Buck wakes to a violent huff of breath that ruffles his hair. At first he thinks it's nothing more than the AC until he notices how tense Eddie has gotten. Eddie's arms are tight, muscles corded, and his breath and heartbeat have sped up.
Normally if Eddie has a nightmare or panic attack he doesn't like physical contact. He prefers instead to come back to himself. Buck once made the mistake of touching Eddie to wake him from a nightmare, which sent Eddie into a full-blown panic, and it took three hours to calm him down entirely.
The thing is, Buck is already touching Eddie, and Eddie's arms are like vices holding him down. Dislodging himself might do more harm than good. He remains still even as Eddie's arm becomes uncomfortably tight. "Eddie," he mutters. "It's okay. I've got you."
Eddie doesn't reply. He's still asleep, grunting in distress.
Buck smooths a hand along his side from his ribs to his waist. "Wake up, Eddie. I've got you. Just a nightmare." He continues speaking and touching gently, softly, and some indeterminate length of time later, Eddie sniffs loudly and twitches. "Eddie?"
Eddie clears his throat. "Yeah," he says thickly.
Buck carefully props himself up to look at Eddie now that the guy is letting him. "Wanna talk about it?"
Eddie goes limp on the bed, focused on Buck. His eyes are wide, haunted. "Too many doors."
"Want me to check?" He's done this before. He's walked around the house and cleared it so Eddie can sleep again, and he figures that might be what Eddie needs.
Eddie, though, vaults up so quickly he stumbles and nearly elbows Buck in the chin. "No, no. Stay here," he says, and his voice is so tight Buck feels a cold flash of fear.
"What was it?"
"They were everywhere," Eddie says, and he vanishes past the curtain.
Buck climbs out of bed and hovers near the archway. He watches as Eddie, back straight and movements stiff, checks the lock on the front door, then heads down the hall. He stops first at Chris's room and stares at his sleeping son for a long moment, then moves further to check on Sage. He peeks into the bathroom, then slips past Buck to clear the kitchen.
He returns to Buck with a sheepish look on his face as he always does when he realizes the house is safe. "Sorry."
Buck shakes his head and smiles softly. "You never have to apologize for this," he replies.
"I woke you up," Eddie protests.
"And last month I woke you up because of a thunderstorm," Buck reminds him. "It's okay. We're here for each other."
Eddie nods toward the bed and they crawl in again, this time with Buck wrapped around Eddie.
Chris gets Sage the next morning, apparently, because Buck wakes up to the distinct feeling of a baby crawling up the bed. She drops her tiny body into the even tinier crevice between him and Eddie, forcing them apart. And, yeah, of course he loves his daughter, but it would be nice to have a door and the option to cuddle with just his partner for a minute.
He won't gripe too much, though. Hen and Eddie keep telling him that the morning cuddles will stop eventually, so he makes the conscious choice to enjoy it. It takes less than a thought.
Then Chris settles on Eddie's other side, and Buck thinks, Maybe it never really ends.
Or maybe Chris knows that Eddie had a nightmare. They all have them occasionally, except for Sage, he's pretty sure. And he agrees with Chris; he never wants Sage to feel afraid, but it's unavoidable. If she lived a life without fear she wouldn't be able to enjoy the good. He knows that better than most.
For now, though, he holds Sage with one arm and rests his opposite hand on his partner, who holds onto Chris in turn.
So the morning is gentle, but Chris has school, Sage has daycare, and Buck and Eddie have work. As much as Buck wants this morning to stay this way, he needs his job to feel fulfilled and it's not the type of job a person can just call out of, anyway.
They only have one shift before the appraisal, and then they'll actually start the process of staging the house and getting situated. They'll have to decide whether they want to stay with someone else while selling or live here still with strangers coming and going.
That's a discussion for tomorrow.
Their focus turns to work once they get there and Buck manages to distract Eddie enough all day that Eddie relaxes, which is remarkable considering what their job is. Buck never relaxes on the clock, though he does feel more settled. Maybe that's what Eddie is: not relaxed, but settled.
The appraisal will go fine. They'll get their house. They've got this.