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When Castiel was stripped of his grace, he felt like he had lost a part of his identity, but he still had a second home - the Winchesters. But when Dean told him he had to leave the bunker, Castiel broke down completely. If heaven didn’t want him, and neither did the humans, then where was he supposed to go?
The world was harsh for a fallen angel trying to navigate the realities of human life. Homeless and vulnerable, Castiel turned to humanity expecting mercy but quickly realized nobody would help him. The Winchester brothers had so many friends all over the country, but Castiel felt like he didn’t have anyone. Nobody would take him in. He shouldn’t even think of asking. Everyone he knew only cared about Sam and Dean. Cas was just an accessory, something easily disposable if unnecessary.
Though the shelter took Cas in, he could feel people’s eyes on him wherever he went. Those who couldn't see past his disheveled appearance looked at him with such disgust. He couldn’t bear it. Especially after years of being worshipped by people, being seen as a savior, a guardian, the symbol of god. Now, without his celestial powers, Castiel was nothing to them. That’s probably why Dean threw him out like trash. He was no good for anything, after all.
Besides, facing cruelty from humanity wasn’t helping him get used to being human. He was so lost. Even though he’s lived for millions of years and experienced the birth and evolution of humanity, when it came to actually BEING one of them, he was like a little boy. Cas was okay with losing his grace. He could handle it, even the emotions. But he needed someone to guide him. How could he learn to be human on his own? He’s never paid attention to such mundane things as eating or showering. Why would he? But now, he couldn’t ask anyone to teach him how to live. How would that conversation even go? He had to figure everything out on his own somehow.
From eating out of a trashcan in the back alley of a restaurant to picking up trash for money, Castiel built himself up slowly, piece by piece. Even though he managed to get a steady job, he still felt like a mistake. When Castiel’s despair threatened to consume him, someone finally extended a helping hand.
The ding of the store's entrance bell echoed through the aisles as another customer walked in. Castiel felt his head pulsate with pain. He underestimated how intense a human headache could be. How did people go about their day while feeling like their heads were about to blow up? The headache was probably from the lack of sleep or maybe from not eating enough. Cas couldn’t keep up with all of these new needs his body required.
It was a miracle he got this job at a local grocery store. He had no experience and could barely afford to get himself cleaned up enough to look like he had a place to sleep in, but he was an honest worker. He was trying his hardest to be good - if not a good angel or a good human, then the least he could be was a good employee.
He was weak, exhausted and overworked. He still couldn’t figure out how to make his body go to sleep on command and wake up at the right time. Then there was the food and water problem. He felt like he was starving almost constantly, but food cost money, money cost energy, and energy required more food. Being human was a never-ending cycle of chores.
Castiel’s body jumped at the loud thud coming from aisle two. Torn from his thoughts, he sighed, smoothing his hair and straightening his name badge. With a casual walk and a warm smile, he approached the person standing before the refrigerators and squatted to help them pick up the water bottles scattered all over the floor.
“I’m so sorry,” the person said, their worried voice strangely familiar to Castiel. “I picked one up, and the rest decided to make a jump on me.”
“It’s fine, resume your shopping.” Castiel assured them. “That’s what I’m here for.”
“Oh, no, I’ll help!”
Castiel picked up some of the bottles and raised his head to decline politely. It was sweet of the customer to offer help, but he needed to do at least this one thing without anyone having to help him. This was the bare minimum.
“It’s really ok-“ the man started, choking on his sentence as his eyes met those of the person staring back at him in disbelief.
Both of them were frozen, silently looking at each other. Castiel felt a wave of shame wash over his body, sending a rush of blood all the way up to his ears.
“Uh,” the customer glanced at Castiel’s name tag, trying to compose themself. “Steve, right? Sorry, you look really familiar.”
Castiel squinted his eyes, his forehead wrinkled from confusion. Did they not remember him? Did he ever erase their memory? He couldn’t recall, but maybe it was for the best. He could not handle another person he cared about throwing him out.
“I get that a lot.” he replied with a smile. One thing that living among humans has taught him is the fixed sayings and expressions. He finally figured out there were fixed answers to most questions people would ask. Cas was happy to learn some of them. It was such an excellent way of avoiding talking about how he really felt.
Picking up the rest of the water bottles, he stuffed them back into the refrigerator, arranging them neatly in a perfect row. The customer watched him carefully. They got up from the ground and took a step back, eyes trained on Castiel’s face.
“I’m really sorry.” they said, even more worried. “You look so familiar. Is there a… Is there a chance the name Jimmy means anything to you?”
Castiel closed the refrigerator and faced the customer. He thought for a second but didn’t make the connection. “Not really.”
The customer’s face changed, but Castiel wasn’t good at picking up on people’s emotions, especially when they were so subtle. With Sam and Dean, he always knew what they felt - they felt everything so strongly, with such blunt intensity.
But y/n? They were always a mystery to Cas. The way they’d tell Sam and Dean they’re fine when Castiel clearly sensed an open wound on their body. The way he never knew how he made them laugh but was happy anyway because he liked the sound. The way they somehow always knew what Cas was feeling and when he needed to talk. Castiel could figure the Winchesters out, but he could never do the same with y/n.
“Yeah, sorry. As I said, you just look really familiar.” the person repeated, now clearly embarrassed.
It was hard for Castiel to ignore the person’s gaze following him around as he did his tasks around the store. Still, he wasn’t sure if he should say anything. Maybe they didn’t want to remember him? When was even the last time they met?
Castiel returned to the cash register and started at the security camera monitors, getting lost in his memories. Y/n was not a hunter, just a good friend of the Winchesters who knew how to work their way around the bad and the ugly of the world. They would pop in and out of the Winchesters’ lives but was always a delight to be around.
Looking back, Castiel was never a good friend to y/n. It was always the same with him - he had bigger issues to care for. Each time y/n would pray to him, he’d get the urge to check on them, but he never actually acted on these urges. There were more serious problems than one human. He couldn’t afford to get carried away. Not again. Once he was done with fixing the world, then he’d have time to spend with y/n. Once he saved everyone else, then he’d answer y/n’s calls.
But he never did fix the bigger problems. Where did it lead him? It would be selfish of him to seek help now from the one person he consistently mistreated for years. Castiel laughed to himself. He’s spent the last few weeks dwelling on the human condition when all this time, he was no better. He was just as corrupt and rotten as the rest of the world. What was the point of god even making all of this?
With a soft thud, the customer put a few water bottles and a bag of pasta on the counter. Without saying a word, Castiel scanned the items and, with great concentration, used the register just like his manager taught him to. It was still new to him, but he was getting so good at counting money and pressing buttons. Y/n grabbed their items and headed to the exit.
“Come back to shop with us again!” Castiel recited melodically.
Y/n paused right before the exit, then sighed. Spinning on their heels, they returned to the counter, putting their hand on top of it to lean closer to Castiel.
“Look, Cas, I don’t know if it’s you or not, but I’m really weirded out by this.” they said in a hushed tone.
Castiel’s body deflated. His employee of the month posture changed into one of a scared child.
“Y/n, I-“ he stuttered. “I didn’t know if I was supposed to say anything… if you recognized me…”
“Of course I do! I was just confused seeing you here dressed like that. What are you even-“ they leaned even closer to touch Castiel’s blue vest adorned with a name tag. “I thought it was your empty vessel or something, the Jimmy guy. What’s going on?”
“Jimmy’s long dead, y/n.” Castiel reminded them. “I’m… I just work here.”
Y/n looked at Castiel, puzzled by his casual tone. “What the fuck do you mean you work here? Where’s Dean?”
It took a few tries to get the information out of him, but Castiel finally gave in, spilling the details of his fall from grace and being banished by Dean from the bunker.
“He no longer wanted me there. I was not welcome.”
The more y/n heard, the more they felt like fainting on the spot. None of this sounded right. Dean and Sam didn’t act like that. They would never leave Cas to fend for himself.
“After all you’ve done for them.” y/n commented when Castiel finished his story. “They just throw you away like a broken toy.”
“Everything I’ve ever done only brought them horrible pain. I don’t blame them.” Castiel admitted. “Besides, Dean’s been checking on me. He visited last week.”
Y/n looked at Castiel with pity. They would not argue with him about the value of his actions, not when he was in this state. It was evident to them that something was off about him, even though they initially didn’t notice. His once powerful, radiant presence was now reduced to mere memories as he stood behind the counter, his face unshaven, clothes mismatched and unironed, deep purple circles under his eyes. Time had etched lines on his face, making him a mere shadow of the Castiel they knew. Y/n felt an uncomfortable pit in their stomach.
“Where do you stay?”
Castiel felt conflicted about telling the truth. He didn’t want y/n to pity him even more. Maybe he could get away with a lie about having an apartment. He desperately wanted y/n to think he’s got this figured out, he can do this on his own. But y/n’s eyes found the duffel bag peeking from behind the counter faster than Castiel could come up with an answer. The look of pity he received was unbearable.
“I’m fine, you don’t need to worry.”
“Of course, I need to worry!” y/n scoffed. “I’m going to murder Dean Winchester. What the fuck is he doing, letting you run around the world all on your own? It’s like throwing a two-year-old child on the street and telling them to figure it out. No offense.”
“None taken.” Castiel forced a smile, though he felt overstimulated by the whole situation. He was so tired. “I don’t want to be a burden, y/n.”
“Don’t even start. You’d do the same for me.”
Castiel’s gaze dropped to the floor. “I didn’t.”
“What?”
“I never did the same for you.” Castiel admitted, hands searching for anything to busy themselves with for distraction, ultimately landing on the seam of his vest. “When I still had my grace, I’d hear you call me all the time. I barely answered. I barely even paid attention to you when you were working with the Winchesters.”
“Ah, that… I called for stupid reasons, Cas.” y/n put a hand on Castiel’s arm and rubbed it comfortingly. “It’s okay. You had bigger things to worry about. You were- are still a great friend.”
Castiel only hummed in response, still avoiding y/n’s eyes. He felt guilt filling up his entire body. If he spoke now, he feared the guilt would spill out of his mouth like a liquid.
“I’m not leaving you here.” y/n insisted. “You’re coming with me, and I’m having a word with the Winchesters once we get you all set up at my place. Take your things.”
Reluctantly, Castiel accepted the offer. He wanted to call his manager and tell her there was an emergency and that he needed to be excused from work for the rest of the day. Of course y/n protested.
“You’re level one human, Cas.” they announced, dragging Castiel out of the store by his wrist like a lost child. “Getting a job is like level twenty.”
The man only hummed in response, getting inside their car without any questions.
Y/n frowned, throwing the duffel bag onto the backseat. “That all you got on you?”
Cas nodded, staring at y/n like he was lost and waiting for further instructions. Y/n almost forgot how much they liked the way Castiel looked up at them with these wide, puppy eyes of his. Most of the time when they saw Cas in the past, they were always in the middle of something, always running away, preparing for a fight, or in the middle of one. That’s when Castiel was focused. His eyes were different then.
But once in a while, y/n got to be around him in his relaxed mode. When there was no looming threat, no plan to think about, Castiel’s whole face would change. He looked so soft around the edges, so polite, curious and gentle. Completely different than when he was covered in blood. Y/n was always envious of Dean and Sam. They got to see Castiel at peace so often.
“It’s all I could afford for now.” Castiel spoke up.
Y/n snapped out of their moment of nostalgia and got into the car on the driver’s side. “So let me get this straight. Dean didn’t even give you one of his fake credit cards? No motel room, no hand-me-down clothes? Nothing?”
“I didn’t ask.”
“You didn’t-“ y/n raised their voice in disbelief but quickly composed themself. “Castiel, you shouldn’t have to ask for that. This is not on you. Dean fucked up. Not you. Can you repeat that after me?”
But Castiel was looking back at y/n with so much guilt. He stared at them in silence, eyes conveying his answer better than his words ever could. Y/n sighed.
“Okay.” they said and started the car, looking straight ahead while still feeling Castiel’s burning gaze. “We’ll figure this out together. No worries.”
But that was such a silly saying for Castiel right now. All he ever felt since he’d lost his grace were worries. Different flavors of them. He was worried about his stomach, about a place to stay, about his father, about the Winchesters never speaking to him again, about picking the correct responses to people’s questions, seeming human in everyday interactions, about being a burden to everyone, especially y/n now, about the human condition and how fighting for humanity all this time has been a massive waste of time…
“What are you thinking of?”
Castiel didn’t want to talk. He just wanted to continue staring out the window and watch the lampposts pass by. But there was something about y/n’s presence that was so calming to him. He felt this before around them when he was still an angel, but never as intense as now. For the first time in a long while, he felt like he could say whatever he wanted with no consequences. He could be sincere.
“I’m just so tired.” he admitted, letting all the tension out of his body with a sigh.
Y/n’s hand moved from the steering wheel to briefly rub Castiel’s knee in a gesture of affection. And just then, it felt like something was lifted off of him. Something broke. A simple gesture, a quick touch, managed to move him off the edge. He couldn’t stop the words from coming out of his mouth.
“I can’t stand this. I’m useless like this.” he sobbed, no tears falling from his tired eyes. “I can’t stand being reduced to this. I wasn’t meant for this.”
Y/n didn’t have to say anything. They knew Castiel just wanted to let it all out. Y/n nodded, eyes still focused on the road. But Cas felt heard.
“I thought-“ he inhaled sharply, trying to calm his anxious breathing. “I thought there’s more good than evil on earth, that someone would help me. But everyone’s so horrible and unkind. And I don’t know what I’ve done to them to treat me this way.”
Y/n let Cas calm down on his own. He didn’t need advice or any words they had to offer. He just wanted someone to be there. He was clearly overwhelmed by the sudden change of lifestyle. How could he not be? He was thrust into this with no instructions, no explanations, no help and no compassion. It was unusual to see this man, once so full of passion, now voice his loss of faith in life. Y/n’s never heard Castiel doubt humanity like this before. They hoped this was temporary. If even Castiel stopped believing in humanity, then they were all doomed.
When they arrived at y/n apartment, Castiel wasn’t sure if he was expected to exit the car and follow y/n upstairs or sit and wait. He was so used to waiting like this. Typically, nobody would invite him in. Just Sam and Dean.
“Come on, Cas.” y/n encouraged him. “It’s not a huge apartment, but I’ve got a cat who will be overjoyed to meet you.”
The corners of Castiel’s mouth rose in a faint smile as he got out of the car and followed his friend. He liked cats. He thought they liked him back, too. They were always kind to him.
Cas didn’t care about the size of the apartment. He would be grateful even if y/n let him sleep on the floor, only if it meant he was welcome somewhere. All he wanted was for someone to want him around - even in his current state, even when he was so useless.
Castiel liked y/n’s place the second he entered it. With its maximalist style and countless silly decorations, it felt like the polar opposite of the bunker or any sketchy motel the Winchesters have ever lived in. The atmosphere was so… homely. The space felt like someone was really living there. It felt warm. Castiel’s eyes scanned every inch of the small living room. Every piece of furniture, every figurine and book on the shelves felt like a piece of y/n’s personality put on display.
“I like it here.” Cas commented.
Y/n beamed at Castiel, thanking him for the compliment. They made him take off his shoes and gave him a quick tour of the small apartment. There was a narrow kitchen, a living room with an oversized couch, a bathroom, and y/n’s bedroom.
“And that’s Cheddar.” y/n announced when a chubby orange cat emerged sleepily from under the bed.
Castiel squinted at the animal suspiciously, head tilting to the side. “But that’s a cat.”
Y/n chuckled, patting the man on the shoulder. “Glad to hear you didn’t change a bit since the last time I saw you, buddy.”
Within the next few minutes, Castiel was already well acquainted with Cheddar, who was now sleeping on his lap. Cas was sitting at the corner of y/n’s bed, trying to take up as little space as he could while y/n dug through their closet. Even though y/n was unbelievably hospitable and the cat loved Castiel’s lap, the man still felt alien to his surroundings. He felt the need to make himself small so there was less chance of people noticing his presence and throwing him out.
“I swear I had something that could fit you.” y/n groaned, disappearing deeper into their closet.
“It’s fine. I like the clothes I’m wearing.” Castiel said, slowly dragging his hand along the purring cat’s fur. “I have another shirt in my bag. And some underwear.”
Y/n suddenly reappeared with a pile of clothes in their hands. “This is all I could find for now, but we’ll go thrift something for you tomorrow, okay?”
Castiel reluctantly took the pile of clothes from them. “Thrift?”
“Yeah, I’m a bit short on money right now. I’ll get my paycheck in a few days.” y/n admitted, making Cas feel even worse about them helping him. “So we’ll hit the thrift store. It’s fine, I buy clothes there all the time.”
Castiel gave them a puzzled look.
“It’s like a place that sells used clothes people don’t need anymore for a lower price.” y/n explained. “You can find a lot of nice pieces in there for very cheap. And it’s better for the environment.”
Castiel nodded, finding it sweet that y/n cared about the planet. Too bad nobody told him about these stores before. He struggled so much to find a shirt nice enough for a job interview at the store. If only he knew there were cheaper options…
As gently as he could, Cas took the cat off his lap and put it on the bed, making sure it was still sleeping uninterrupted. Then he took the pile of clothes and headed to y/n’s bathroom. They explained to him earlier what products to use to take a shower and asked if he had any questions about the process of showering itself. Turns out that at the shelter, Castiel’s been using the wrong product to wash his hair, which was an honest mistake for an ex-angel.
“It’s embarrassing.” Cas complained. “Humans do these things instinctively, and I have to have someone explain to me how to wash my hair.”
“It’s fine, Cas, no judgement. We are not born with all this knowledge, kids have to be taught all that, too. I’m sure I’d have a thousand questions, too, if someone made me an angel all of a sudden.”
Castiel sighed, starting to unbutton his shirt. He liked how y/n never made him feel stupid for not knowing something or not being good at something on the first try. He was used to people making him the butt of the joke all the time, even if he knew it was not malicious and just friendly teasing. Still, after hearing the same joke about how dumb he is regarding human things, he was tired of it.
Y/n made him feel safer about asking for help. He recalled a few instances of them doing that in the past - whenever Cas would ask a genuine question and the Winchesters would laugh it off, y/n always took the angel aside to explain something to him calmly in simple terms. He only noticed now how much he appreciated their help.
After unbuttoning his shirt, Cas went straight to unzipping his pants. “Angels don’t have as many rituals as humans do. We are much simpler creatures. We don’t eat or drink. And the urinating - I’ll never get used to that.”
Y/n exited the bathroom with a laugh before Castiel started stripping off his clothes. They made a mental note to teach Cas about privacy and not flashing anyone later, but for now, they went to the kitchen to make him something to eat. Who knows what his diet’s been like all this time? That is, if he ate regularly at all.
When Cas emerged from the bathroom with his hair still dripping wet and wearing an oversized Team Edward hoodie, he couldn’t find y/n anywhere in the apartment. He assumed the hoodie was from y/n’s school days since there was a team name on it, though he couldn’t recall them ever mentioning playing any sports.
“Cheddar, where’s y/n?” Castiel asked the cat, who was standing on the kitchen counter. Cheddar stared at the man blankly for a second. Castiel hummed to himself, his wide blue eyes searched for y/n in every room until he heard a faint sound of their voice from the hallway in front of the apartment.
“You’re joking, right, Winchester?” Castiel heard as he approached the front door, Cheddar hurriedly following behind. “No, I think you- Oh god, don’t even try to make any excuses, Dean. No, you don’t understand! You left the guy who pulled you out of hell on the fucking street?!”
Cas stepped back and sat on the couch, Cheddar immediately jumping on his lap to comfort him. Cas didn’t like his friends fighting, but it felt nice to hear someone defend him. Maybe life was not that bad after all. Maybe god just wanted to test him again, and now he was giving him a sign it would get better.
But then again, a part of him felt like y/n just felt bad for him. Maybe they didn’t care about him as a person, as a friend. Perhaps it was just their kind nature forcing y/n to help Cas? Castiel hummed again, completely spaced out as he patted the cat, purring on his lap.
Was there even such a thing as a human with a kind nature? These days, Castiel was so full of doubt. How could he tell if humanity could be selflessly kind if all he’s seen for the past few years were people being horrible to one another, betraying one another…
“I don’t want your pity money now, Dean!” y/n’s irritated voice echoed through the building. “How could you not give him- No, now’s too late! You’ve done enough! I don’t give a- Oh, please, stop with this “you don’t know the bigger picture” crap! He’s your friend!”
Castiel picked Cheddar up, holding him just beneath his front paws. He brought him to his face, and the cat immediately nuzzled his nose. Cas sighed. “I’m making my friends fight over me, Cheddar. Why do I have this effect on people?”
The cat blinked at Cas like no thoughts were going through its furry head. Castiel sighed again. He considered leaving y/n’s apartment quietly so he would no longer burden them and would stop messing up their relationship with the Winchesters. The problem was that there was only one exit, and y/n was standing right behind the door.
“Are you kidding me?! I’m not giving him to you! He’s not a child, he stays where he wants to stay!” y/n’s screaming continued, getting more heated by the second. “That’s not why I called, asshole! No! To tell you how fucking stupid you’re acting! No, I’ll take care of him! You keep doing your bigger picture shit! Goodbye!”
The door opened, and y/n angrily stormed in, startling Cheddar and making him jump away from Castiel to hide under the couch.
“God, he can be so fucking dense…” y/n mumbled to themself.
Castiel was sitting on the couch uncomfortably, with his back straight as a stick and his hands on his lap. Seeing him like that, y/n’s eyes immediately softened.
“I didn’t mean for you to hear all that, Cas.”
A shy, boxy smile formed on the man’s face. “It’s fine. I appreciate you standing up for me. However, I do not like being the reason for my friends fighting.”
Y/n sat down next to Cas. “It’s not your fault. Dean did the wrong thing, and I had to let him know. We’re not enemies now, Cas. I’m just angry at him. Dean and I are still friends. Friends sometimes fight when they disagree.”
Castiel nodded his head in silence. He was still uncomfortable, but not because of y/n. He didn’t know what he was supposed to do now. Was he allowed to sleep? Should he ask if there was something for him to do to repay his debt?
“Where did you put the clothes?”
Castiel immediately got up. “Oh, in the kitchen. I didn’t know where to throw them away.”
“We’ll keep them.” y/n followed the man into the other room and took the clothes from his hands. “I’ll wash them, and they’ll be like new.”
Y/n was used to Cheddar following them around the apartment as they did their chores, but having a cat and a grown man following them everywhere with curiosity was a brand-new experience. They felt watched as two pairs of wide eyes observed them use the washing machine.
“Can you show me how to do this?” Castiel asked, pointing at the machine. “I want to be useful. I can do this next time.”
When y/n looked at him with a smile, Castiel went into panic mode.
“I- If you let me stay longer. I’m sorry for assuming there would be a next time, I-“
“No, you’re staying here. You’re living with me for as long as you want to.” y/n squeezed his arm reassuringly. “I can help you get a place for yourself later if you decide to leave, but for now, you should get comfortable. It’s your apartment, too, now. I’ll teach you everything you want.”
And just like that, Castiel began feeling more like a human each day. He could wash the dishes, cook some basic meals, order food on the phone, and even browse the internet a little. He liked the way y/n would teach him things. They would show him how something is done and answer all follow-up questions with patience, no matter how outlandish they were. Then, they’d watch Cas do his thing and only help when asked. Y/n never tried to fix things after Castiel did something. If he’s done something very poorly, it would still be celebrated. To Cas, this was incredibly encouraging.
Of course, he still had so many questions. Why clean a dish when it’s going to be used again a minute later? Why was it called a Scrub Daddy? Why was there a sponge specifically made for washing a father? How was money stored in a little piece of plastic? Why weren’t people showering in groups if saving water was so important?
Y/n was always there to answer all of Castiel’s questions with genuine answers. After just a week of living with them, Cas felt so capable. He forgot what hunger felt like, what freezing felt like. He couldn’t be more grateful. He wanted to repay y/n for being so kind in any way he could.
“What does the cat eat?” Cas asked one morning while y/n was getting ready for work. “How often do I feel him?”
“Food’s in the top left cabinet. He’s on a diet right now, so two meals a day, and don’t let him beg more out of you. He’s a good actor.”
Castiel nodded. He didn’t know a cat could act, but he will remember not to be deceived by him in the future. He did some quick thinking and decided on two exact hours of the day he’d feed Cheddar.
“How much is he allowed to eat?”
“Just get a glass and pour about this much food into it.” y/n explained, holding their fingers up to show the amount. “Then put it into his bowl. You can change his water as much as you want so he has fresh water all day. You pour it from the sink.”
In their rush, y/n didn’t even register what Castiel looked like and what he was doing. Now that they packed their bag and finished dressing up, y/n scanned Cas up and down with their eyes and smirked. He looked so domestic. Castiel was wearing an old, stained “hot stuff coming through” apron y/n got from a friend as a gag gift, a loose T-shirt and some sweatpants. His hair was messy. He knew how to take care of it but liked it better straight out of bed. He was dancing around the kitchen with a pan in his hands, frying some eggs and bacon and humming a tune he’d picked up from a TV commercial.
“You’re staring.” he said as he put the food on two plates. “Am I doing something wrong?”
“You’re doing everything right, Cas. I just like seeing you happy.”
Castiel let out a soft, embarrassed laugh, avoiding y/n’s eyes and busying himself with the food instead. He quickly put all the ingredients he used back in the fridge and washed the pan, leaving it on the drying rack. Y/n took one of the plates Cas put in front of them and began eating.
“You’re getting good at this, man.” they commented with their mouth full.
“Can I give some to Cheddar? Is he allowed to eat bacon?”
“Sure, but just a piece.”
Cas squatted down to pet the cat who was following him from the second he opened the fridge this morning.
“There you go, chunky boy.” he chuckled, watching the cat practically swallow the piece of bacon whole.
As Cas got up from the floor, he noticed y/n bringing their empty plate to the sink and quickly grabbed it from their hands. Y/n laughed at his eagerness to do such tedious household tasks but let him wash the plate anyway.
“I’m gonna head out, I’ll take you shopping when I get back, okay?” y/n announced, placing a kiss on Castiel’s cheek - something they started doing recently but that made Cas oddly happy - and bending down to kiss Cheddar’s forehead.
“Can I make dinner?” Cas asked shyly.
He’s never cooked anything without y/n being there, and the recipes have always been relatively simple. But Castiel’s been watching this cooking show religiously and taking notes to finally cook something more demanding. He wanted y/n to be proud of him but was unsure if they’d allow him to use the kitchen alone. What if he breaks something?
“Sure, do you need me to buy anything for the recipe?”
Castiel looked at y/n in silence, confusion visible on his face.
“What?”
“You’re not worried I’ll do something wrong?” the man asked but was met with y/n’s giggle.
“I trust you. Do your thing.”
This was all Castiel wanted to hear to have the biggest confidence boost of his life. Although he still felt like he was taking from y/n without giving enough back, Cas was starting to feel like he was their equal. He felt trusted, accepted, and loved.
He spent most of that day reading stuff on the internet - his way of learning about being human when y/n wasn’t around to answer his questions. He remembered to feed Cheddar, ate some leftover pizza and took the trash out. On his way back to the apartment, he encountered one of y/n’s neighbors. She was a sweet old lady, though Castiel felt like she was a little too invasive sometimes. This time, she asked if y/n and Cas were engaged.
“Engaged in what?” Castiel asked, not quite sure what the lady wanted from him.
“You have such a great sense of humor, dear.” the woman laughed. “I told y/n they should come over for tea sometime and take their boyfriend, but it seems like they want to keep you all for themself. You’re both homebodies, aren’t you?”
Castiel only smiled. He had no idea what the woman was on about. He clearly had a body. What was she asking about, exactly? Giving her a pity laugh and nodding his head, Cas ran away to the apartment while the woman continued to talk. She said something about his beard and how manly he looked, whatever that meant.
Cas locked the door behind him just to be safe. He made his way to the bathroom to wash his hands. One thing he realized about himself as a human was that he hated the texture of his hands being dirty or sticky. He had to wash his hands constantly, or it would drive him crazy.
Cas glanced in the bathroom mirror and touched his chin. The strange woman was right, he had something of a beard going on. He could shave right now, he knew how to. But he preferred when y/n did it for him. It was one of the only things he’d rather get done by them instead of doing it himself.
The rest of the day was pleasant. Cheddar was fed, and the apartment was clean. The only thing left was making dinner. Castiel had so much fun in the kitchen by himself. He put on some music on y/n’s wireless speaker. He still loved John Denver songs but recently found himself enjoying Cigarettes after sex and Radiohead after he listened to y/n’s playlists. Now, the music filled the apartment as Castiel hummed along, following the recipe for shrimp pasta. The meal came out perfect, which made y/n proud once they returned from work. This, in turn, made Castiel incredibly happy and proud of himself.
The pair ate dinner while talking about their day. Castiel liked it when y/n would tell him about work. He found that it supplied him with knowledge about real-life interactions, and besides that, he just really enjoyed listening to y/n’s voice no matter what they were saying.
When dinner was done, y/n took Castiel shopping as promised. Cas didn’t like going out much but felt safe with y/n, so he didn’t fuss about the shopping trip. It was time to go to the thrift store y/n talked about the first day Cas spent with them.
They went on foot. The store wasn’t that far from the apartment. Castiel tried to memorize the path but got too distracted by the people they passed. He felt odd on a crowded street. He was so out of place. But at least people were not looking at him with disgust and pity anymore like they did when he had nowhere to stay. It felt wrong to him that all it took to gain their respect was a shower and clean clothes.
Y/n called out his name, and Cas looked down to see them extending their hand behind their back without turning around. They did this often, so Cas was used to it. It was a signal to take their hand and walk behind them so Cas wouldn’t get lost in the crowd. It felt a bit childish at first, but with time Castiel started seeing it as a sign of affection.
Castiel took y/n’s hand and let them lead him through the streets. When they entered the store, Cas wasn’t sure what to do.
“Find something you like that looks like it could fit you.” y/n explained, taking a plastic shopping basket and pointing at the rows of clothes on big metal hangers. There were also huge containers full of clothes at every corner. Some people were browsing the aisles, some were digging clothes out of the containers. “The price doesn’t matter.”
Castiel furrowed his eyebrows. “Can we afford it?”
“Yeah, it’s cheap. And there’s a discount today, even better. Dig in.”
Cas quickly listened to y/n after seeing them pick a few things for themself. He felt a little guilty for using their money, but if they said it was okay, he should believe them. There was no reason not to. They were nothing but kind to him.
The amount of choices was overwhelming. Every hanger was filled with a mix of styles, sizes, colors, and textures. Castiel felt like he should pick one or two items but didn’t know where to begin. He hesitated. Fortunately, y/n sensed his discomfort and took his hand again. They encouraged Cas to start with the t-shirts and get a couple for everyday wear.
“How do I know what to pick?” the man asked, running his fingers through a bunch of hanging t-shirts.
“Pick whatever you think looks nice. I’ll tell you if there’s something wrong with the clothes.”
“Why would there be anything wrong?”
“Oh, sometimes the print says something weird or offensive. We wouldn’t wanna wear that.”
Castiel nodded. So there were wrong choices. This was stressful, but y/n clearly communicated that they would help if Castiel picked something odd. Cas focused on the clothes and let y/n browse the rest of the store, periodically checking on them by looking around until he found them with his eyes. He had to make sure they were still nearby.
A few hours later, after meticulously picking and trying the clothes on, Cas and y/n returned to the apartment with bags full of items. Castiel couldn’t believe he could buy so much with so little money. Why didn’t Dean tell him about this when he visited Cas at the store? Cas would definitely be able to afford several shirts and pairs of pants. Instead, he had to wear a dirty shirt for days.
The clothes Castiel picked felt like something that showed his character, which y/n found endearing. He picked multiple band tees, probably because that’s what he saw Dean wear all the time. He also found some comfortable clothes and even a suit. He was happy to have one again after he left his signature clothes at the laundromat in the early stages of his humanity. Cas also picked many hoodies since he was so used to wearing y/n’s clothes. He liked the fit a lot. Aside from that, he very hesitantly bought a shirt with a cat print all over after swearing he didn’t want it and that it looked stupid.
“It can be stupid, and you can still like it.” y/n shrugged.
This changed Castiel’s mind immediately. He realized y/n wouldn’t make fun of him and that he was allowed to like whatever he wanted. When he arrived home, he proudly presented the shirt to Cheddar. Y/n was over the moon with how good Castiel’s mood was lately. The most mundane human things gave Cas the feeling of true belonging.
Still, the negative thoughts would haunt him at night. It was very common for y/n to find Cas awake at ungodly hours of the night, just sitting there and thinking, the cat sleeping right next to him. That’s when Castiel would doubt everything again, returning to square one.
Why was he here? Why did dad make him? What was his purpose? Was he ever going to see Dean again? Was he ever going to be an angel again? Would he be able to leave y/n if he could be an angel again? Will he age and die? Where would his soul go if he died? Was he going to be stuck here in this pitiful human form forever, living off his friend’s money? Invading their life? What if y/n stopped wanting him?
Y/n didn’t know what to do to make his nighttime crisis better, so they would usually give him space or ask if he wanted to talk. He usually just wanted to sit there alone. He liked that y/n respected his privacy and let him have his weak moments in peace. He knew he could turn to them if he wanted reassurance, but he preferred feeling his grief alone.
The only thing y/n would complain about regarding Castiel’s worries was his constant consumption of the world’s tragedies through the TV screen. Cas would sit there for hours, staring at one news station after another, soaking in all of the earthquakes, kidnappings and shootings. Y/n hated that but didn’t want to restrain the man. They could see how much all of this tragedy was affecting Cas. Instead, they tried to talk some positivity into him occasionally.
“Did you hear about the Good Samaritan in Chicago?” y/n said, sitting on the couch next to Cas and passing a cocoa mug to him. “Saved this kid from falling out of a window.”
Whenever y/n did this, Cas would only hum in response. But y/n would always continue. They spent their breaks at work checking the news for every miracle, every good deed, every random act of kindness. Anything that would make Castiel feel better about humanity. Not to prove to him people were inherently good, just to make him feel like life is worth something. To give him some hope.
“I feel lighter when you tell me about these things.” Castiel once said after one of their talks. “Thank you for trying.”
The truth was that Castiel was desperate to prove to himself that humanity was either good or bad. Seeing the bad was just much easier. There was so much evidence around. Still, Cas would sometimes look through the window and see people giving money to a homeless man. Other times, someone would hold the door for him when he was carrying the trash outside. Yet all this wasn’t enough for Cas to feel like himself again.
One Friday evening, Castiel and y/n were returning from the vet’s office. Cheddar was sleeping in his carrier on the backseat. Nothing bad happened to him - he just had to get a check-up. When y/n revealed Cheddar was a little scared of the vet, Castiel insisted he should be there to calm his friend down. Now, y/n was glad Cas was there since the weather was absolutely horrible, making the drive back home almost impossible. If they were alone in the car with all the rain outside, they would definitely be scared out of their mind. With Castiel, it wasn’t as bad.
The rain was heavy as it rhythmically pattered on the car roof. The windshield wipers were working overtime to make at least some of the road visible to y/n. They were a careful driver. Castiel was deep in thought the entire drive back. He was having a hard time that day. All the news stations showed the story of recent medical neglect, which especially affected Cas.
He kept thinking about it all day. Why would a doctor, a person supposed to help people, refuse to help someone in need? Why would they let a person die? He couldn’t wrap his head around it. Y/n tried to boost his mood before but now had to focus on the road, so Castiel was left with his thoughts.
The silence was broken by the sound of y/n gasping loudly and braking abruptly, Cheddar hissing at the sound of the screeching tyres. Castiel’s first thought was y/n’s safety, but he didn’t understand what was happening. Were they in a car crash? Why did y/n stop so suddenly?
Without a word of explanation, y/n drove the car onto the side of the buddy road, parked on the wet grass, and then jumped out, slamming the door behind them.
The rain intensified as Castiel walked out of the vehicle, immediately drenched by the downpour. He squinted to see y/n better as they ran towards the road. Without a second thought, they ran across the road, extending their hand to signal the cars to slow down and not hit them. Castiel’s heart was in his throat as he saw the cars brake right in front of y/n.
“Cheddar, stay here.” the man commanded the cat, who couldn’t even see the scene from its carrier.
Castiel followed y/n through the oncoming traffic, his body feeling numb from a mix of shock, worry and urgency. The adrenaline was making his head spin. He tried to grab y/n’s soaked coat, but the fabric slipped through his fingers when y/n ran to the other side of the road. What if y/n got hurt? Castiel wouldn’t be able to heal them. Why didn’t y/n care about the cars? Why would they run into traffic like that?
Castiel watched as y/n darted out into the rain, their figure illuminated by the headlights of the cars frantically honking at them. Y/n’s silhouette knelt beside something lying on the road. Castiel came closer, his eyes slowly making out the shape of the creature. It was a large black dog. It was lying in a pool of blood. As the man squatted down, he saw the animal’s eyes glistening in the rain as it looked around in fear. It could barely move.
As he watched y/n run their hand through the dog’s fur with tears in their eyes, Castiel finally understood. He could feel the compassion, the need to comfort the animal despite the danger. No, they didn’t even consider the threat of running into traffic. They just did it. They reacted out of nature. Much like Castiel reacted when he saw y/n in danger - he felt a pull within him, he had to respond fast. Something about this felt so raw, so human.
“I don’t- I don’t think we can- He won’t make it to the car, will he?” y/n stuttered, their voice choked.
Only now did Castiel notice that on top of the rain, their face was shining with tears. The man looked at the dog. The car that hit it did a lot of damage. The dog was dying. There was no question that picking it up and carrying it to the car would not do much.
“I’m so sorry.” Castiel spat out, feeling a knot in his throat as well. “I can’t heal it. I’m sorry. I can’t do anything. I wish I-“
The rain cascaded down Castiel’s face, but he could feel tears welling up in his eyes. He wished he could help. He wanted to help so badly. If only he had his grace back… Overwhelmed with emotions, Castiel could only sit there and look at y/n as they pat the dog with a shaky hand and whispered to it. He focused on y/n’s voice so hard he could barely hear the traffic around them.
Was there anything more human than this? Not being able to help the dog but still choosing to be there for it? Castiel extended his hand to bury it in the dog’s fur. He couldn’t speak, he couldn’t say anything to comfort the animal. That was what y/n did better. Cas listened to them whisper words of comfort to the dog until its breaths grew shallower. He was sure this scene would get stuck in his head for life. The glimmer of hope, the proof of humanity’s goodness, but also something else. Something so personal. Something about y/n he didn’t know how to address yet.
The dog’s breathing stopped, the life leaving its eyes as y/n stroked its fur. They stopped talking, silently staring at the animal instead. Castiel watched them wipe their nose with their sleeve before they finally looked at him again. The amount of grief in their eyes pushed the man to pull them into a hug. Y/n sobbed in his arms for a second but composed themself when they realized they had to get off the road.
“I thought I could get to him in time.”
“You did.” Castiel said, wiping the tears off y/n’s face - it was pointless as the rain never stopped falling, but Castiel still wanted to touch their cheek. “I’m sure it was less scary with you here.”
Castiel pulled y/n up, directing them to go back to the car.
“I’m not leaving him on the road.” y/n protested, still shaking.
“I know.” Castiel nodded. “I’ll carry him to your trunk. We can bury him when the rain stops.”
When y/n looked at Castiel with relief, he felt like his soul was shining. It was an odd feeling, considering he no longer had his grace. Cas was sure this was a human emotion he hadn’t felt before, but he couldn’t name it yet. He liked it. He wanted to feel it more.
Picking up the dog, Castiel made his way to y/n’s car. He put the dog in the trunk and sat in the passenger’s seat. Y/n checked on Cheddar and then started the car. The rain was getting lighter. The radio caught signal and filled the space with faint music.
“I’m sorry for what I just did.” y/n apologized when they found their voice again. “It was reckless.”
“It was good. Don’t apologize for good things.”
Maybe Castiel shouldn’t focus on every bad thing on earth. Even if there was so much evil, as long as there was at least one human this selfless and loving, Castiel knew it was all worth it.