The Complications of Falling in Love (With a Star)

by That_One_Huffleclaw

Summary:

Regulus never wanted to see his brother again, but unfortunately, he didn't have much of a choice. He needed to be free from Evan's money, and he needed to be free from his brother's memory. There seemed to be only one viable solution.

Or, Regulus and his band go on tour with the Marauders and feelings ensue.

Notes:

Wow. I'm finally posting this. Holy shit.

This is something I've been looking forward to for a while because I love Band AU's, and I'm so excited!!!! I plan to post a chapter a week, though I'm not sure how long I can keep that up for. Also, GayHorrorFan, thank you for being my friend and supporting me. I know you're going to read this, and I hope you enjoy (and also suffer a little bit :D)

And to everyone else, I hope you enjoy. I'm so excited to share this.

Chapter 1: The Beginning of Everything to Come

The vibration of Regulus’s phone was loud in his dark bedroom, echoing off the walls. Curse Evan, and his awful apartment with awful acoustics. Regulus rolled over with a groan, grabbing his phone from the nightstand. He regretted his choice to forever keep his notifications on. He entered his passcode and opened up his phone.

 

“Mister Regulus Black,” Regulus mumbled aloud, reading groggily from his phone. He frowned and turned down his brightness, letting his eyes adjust to the light from the phone. “Mister Regulus Black,” he repeated. “We’d like to invite you to join us as the opening act on the Marauders North America Tour. We have seen Serpentine’s growing popularity, and our team has requested that they join us as the opening act on the tour in four months. We offer each member of the band twenty-five thousand dollars for each night of performance. Please let us know Serpentine’s response soon. Thank you. The tour dates are listed below.” Regulus paused before reading it again. Then once more. “Oh my god,” he mumbled, eyes wide. “Oh my god.”

 

“Regulus!” He heard Evan call from the living room, just as the band group chat started getting flooded with messages. Regulus peeled himself out of bed, making his way to the living room.

 

When Regulus emerged from his bedroom, towards the living room, Evan ran up animatedly. Regulus guessed that Evan had fallen asleep on the couch, based off of Evan’s mussed hair and clothes, and sweatshirt that was probably Barty’s. 

 

“Regulus!” Evan said loudly, waving his phone around excitedly. “Did you-?”

 

“Yes, Evan,” Regulus said calmly. “I got it as well. What do you think?”

 

Evan looked at him, dumbfounded, before continuing to gesture loudly with his phone. “What do I think? Regulus, they’re offering us a shit ton of money! I approve, according to the group chat, the band approves, we’re all just waiting to see if you approve.”

 

“Why wouldn’t I?” Regulus asked. It was a fair question, really. All his friends knew how badly he needed money, how desperately he wanted to get his own place where he wouldn’t be a financial burden on Evan and Pandora.

 

“You know who the Marauders are, right?” Evan asked hesitantly.

 

“No.” Of course he did. 

 

Evan sighed, running a hand through his messy blonde hair. “Their your brother’s band. Him and some of his friends. They’ve been pretty popular over the last few years, and this is a long tour, and it’ll be hard to avoid him-”

 

“It’s fine, Evan,” Regulus said. It wasn’t, really. He didn’t want to see his brother ever again. Still, staying on Evan’s budget was worse. He couldn’t stay a burden to his friend.

 

Evan looked at him a little bit oddly. That wasn’t surprising, honestly. All his bandmates knew of his disdain for his brother. “Are you sure?”

 

“Yes.” Regulus nodded.

 

“Like… sure, sure?” Evan asked, still looking at him oddly.

 

“ Yes ,” Regulus stated, almost praying that Evan would just let it happen. “It’s fine. Besides, it’s good publicity. Maybe it’ll be enough to get us our own tour.”

 

Evan grinned. “As long as it’s okay with you, that sounds fucking awesome. We can announce our decision at rehearsal tomorrow, okay?”

 

Regulus shrugged. “Sure. I’m going back to bed.”

 

Evan smiled. “Okay. Goodnight, Reg.”

 

Regulus smiled softly in response. “Goodnight, Evan.”

The decision had gone over well with the band, of course. Barty and Dorcas had been rather enthusiastic about the decision, while Pandora seemed only mildly concerned. She, much like her twin brother, checked almost excessively to make sure Regulus was okay with it. Regulus had repeatedly said yes, for their sake. He needed to get back on his feet, to have his own place. He hadn’t lived on his own since he cut ties with his parents, relying heavily on the Rosiers' generosity. He couldn’t help feeling bad about it.

 

He found himself sitting in a local coffee shop after the successful rehearsal. He liked the little shop, though he could never remember the name of it. He had found it a couple years ago, after a particularly exhausting rehearsal. Now it was where he went to write lyrics, or, as he was doing now, internet stalking the Marauders.

 

It had started with simply looking at his brother’s recent social media posts, as if he didn’t do it all the time anyways. He never interacted with the posts, just looked, peering in on the life that his brother had created for himself. That’s how Regulus had originally found out about the Marauders, looking at the pictures Sirius had posted of concerts, rehearsals, posters and concert outfits, all tagged with his bandmates. The most recent photo was the least Sirius photo Regulus had seen, just a poster with the North America Tour dates. Probably not released by Sirius himself.

 

This had led into exploring the photos of the other Marauders. He recognized their names, and some of their faces from Sirius’s school days, when he would talk non-stop about his perfect, amazing friends, and all of the fun, exciting things they did in school. 

 

He found himself scrolling through the photos of James Potter, a name that brought a vile taste to his mouth. He had never seen him, never met him, but he had hated him since he was eleven, hearing the fantastic tales of his brother, and his brother’s amazingly perfect best friend. That’s all Sirius had ever talked about, just James, James, James. Regulus never cared much, because Sirius was his brother and would always be his brother. At least until he wasn’t. Left in the middle of the night, only to show up in headlines four days later, about his new home in the Potter household. Regulus hadn’t seen his brother since, nor had he thought about fucking James Potter and how he had stolen away the only thing that kept Regulus hanging on.

 

He calmly sipped his coffee, turning off his phone. He didn’t want to think about Sirius, or James Potter, or his life before leaving. Things were better for him now, without Sirius in his life. 

 

Regulus sighed, standing up and grabbing his bag before tossing away his coffee and leaving the shop. He had better things to do than think about his brother. Specifically, making money and getting his own place.

 

Regulus had only just walked through the door to the apartment that he and Evan shared, when he felt a vibration from his phone. He opened his phone, seeing a text from a number that wasn’t saved in his contacts, but he had memorized as Sirius’s. There was a single message.

 

‘What are you playing at, Regulus?’

Chapter 2: Belly of the Beast

Summary:

Sirius's POV post chapter 1

Sirius didn't expect Regulus to accept the offer, and he certainly wasn't happy when he did.

Notes:

I was actually counting down the fucking days until a week had passed and I could post chapter 2. I love this fic so much. Like it takes up 90% of my brain. It's going to get to the longer chapters soon, but for now, here is Sirius being an emotional wreckage. I love him for that though

Sirius hadn’t been consulted on Serpentine joining the North America Tour, and frankly, he was furious. He was never one to question Minnie’s judgment, but of all the bands in the world, why did it have to be his brother’s? 

 

It was shocking to him when he found out that his brother had accepted, because, well, it wasn’t a very Regulus thing to do. Regulus hadn’t reached out to him in years, hadn’t had any urge to see him, and Regulus was never the type to jump into something without doing his research. There was no way Regulus would’ve accepted without knowing Sirius was a Marauder.

 

“It’s absurd, Remus!” Sirius said loudly, pacing around their rehearsal space. “He has no reason to join the tour! Why did he agree? He’s got to be messing with me, right?”

 

Remus watched him from the red sofa Sirius had bought for the band when they first started working in the studio. “Sirius, did you maybe think that he might not have known you were in the band? Maybe it was an impulse decision for, y’know, publicity? Or money?”

 

Sirius shook his head vehemently. “No, that’s not something Regulus would do. He’s always been a cautious kid, and he doesn’t need money. He’s got dear old Wallyburger and Orion paying for him. So this has to be to get at me. Maybe he’s looking to ruin the tour? No, he wouldn’t want that type of publicity.” Sirius sighed, collapsing onto the red couch, next to Remus. “Help me, Moons?”

 

Remus chuckled softly, spreading his arms for Sirius to collapse in between them, which he did, gratefully. Sirius leaned into Remus’s chest, groaning against Remus’s neck. Remus smiled, stroking Sirius’s hair in the way that he knew always calmed Sirius. 

 

“Feel better?” Remus asked after a minute. Sirius nodded into Remus’s neck. 

 

“I just don’t get it,” Sirius mumbled against Remus’s shoulder. “He hasn’t reached out in years . He hasn’t wanted anything to do with me since I was fucking sixteen . So why now? Why now does he want to be around me and work with the band? It doesn’t make sense .” 

 

Remus sighed, still stroking Sirius’s hair. “Look, Sirius, there’s nothing we can do about this. If you don’t want to talk to him on tour, at least outside of concerts and interviews, then you don’t have to. Worrying and wondering about why he’s there isn’t going to change that he will be there. Just… be civil with him.”

 

Sirius sighed. “I’m not the one you have to worry about when it comes to ‘being civil’. Regulus is an antisocial little bitch who, without a doubt, wants to make me suffer.”

 

Remus pulled Sirius away from where he had been leaning into Remus’s shoulder. Sirius groaned in protest, but Remus looked at him strictly. “Sirius, you have to stay civil. You know the publicity we’ll get with your brother as our opening act. It’s your responsibility to make sure that it’s good publicity.” Remus sighed, gently pushing Sirius off so that he could stand. “I’m going to give you some space, Sirius. Calm down. Figure out how you’re going to act on tour. We’re going to be meeting with Serpentine for dinner and an interview tomorrow night. Please be ready.”

The night passed and Sirius was calm now. He was completely calm, and fine, and he could deal with seeing his brother for the first time in seven fucking years for a publicity stunt . 

 

He was completely, totally, unspeakably fine.

 

The drinks had helped. He had ended up crying his eyes out to some uncomfortable seeming girl at a bar who had been kind enough to walk him back to his hotel, without anyone recognizing him, thankfully. He had felt much better when he woke up, without having had any nightmares.

 

Remus texted him every hour or so, reminding him of the interview and dinner, and that he had to be camera ready by seven. Sirius, hoping to ignore the looming threat of seeing his brother’s face, ignored the text messages until half ‘til six, when James, the optimistic ball of sunshine, barged into Sirius’s room to cheerfully pick out Sirius’s interview outfit, which he reluctantly accepted. 

 

He ended up picking out a black crop top over a long-sleeve fishnet top, along with black denim jeans and his favorite Doc Martens. He even let James braid his hair while he put on eyeliner. He wanted to look nice for the cameras, and maybe, just maybe, show Regulus how much he’d changed in the past seven years.

 

The limo ride to the restaurant was quiet. They were meeting Serpentine at some ridiculously expensive place that Sirius would probably detest. He was sure it would be the type of place Regulus would love . Normally he would be talking nonstop with Remus, James and Marlene, and maybe Peter if he was riding with them. He didn’t technically play with the band. He wasn’t exactly musically gifted. Still, this ride was quiet, the only sound being the old rock playing from the radio.

When they arrived outside the restaurant, Sirius took a deep breath, plastering that celebrity smile across his face. Marlene stepped out of the limo first, her constant energetic, excited grin across her face. Sirius loved her dearly, but she didn’t understand Sirius’s anxieties about this meeting. Remus got out second with a friendly, diplomatic smile. He had always been able to keep his cool better than Sirius could. Then was James, eternally cheerful and friendly. He would undoubtedly put on a friendly face and stay by Sirius’s side, though Sirius hadn’t told him anything,  and he could not be more thankful for that. Sirius was the last one to get out of the limo, a fake smile across his face, and he knew from the minute he saw Regulus, his little brother, for the first time in seven years, that nothing had changed.

 

Regulus was taller now, which was to be expected since Sirus hadn’t seen him since Regulus was fifteen. His hair was longer now too, the way it framed Regulus’s face reminding Sirius achingly of how he had looked the last time he had seen his brother. Sirius could vaguely see the glint of shining black earrings hidden in his brother’s black curls. Walburga never would’ve allowed that. She wouldn’t have allowed the expanse of tattoos over Regulus’s arms either. That was… strange. Regulus wore a cropped black turtleneck and black jeans, looking like a more… Regulus version of Sirius’s own outfit.

 

“Sirius,” Regulus said coldly, but politely, using that formal tone used for boring business conferences and dull deals. He didn’t bother with even a fake smile.

 

Sirius kept up that charming salesman smile as he responded with just as little warmth. “Regulus. Thank you so much for agreeing to join us on tour.”

 

Regulus raised an eyebrow, keeping his expression calm and cold. “It’s my pleasure. I’m so… excited to work with you.”

 

Sirius smirked. “I’m glad. Shall we go inside?”

 

Regulus gave an emotionless smile. “Of course.”

 

Sirius gestured inside politely. Sirius watched his brother and his band stream into the restaurant, followed by Marlene who was chatting animatedly with one of Regulus’s bandmates, a tall dark-skinned girl with an amused expression. James gave him a concerned look before following Marlene into the restaurant. Remus stayed behind outside the restaurant.

 

“Hey, Pads,” Remus said, putting a hand on Sirius’s shoulder. “Are you okay?” Sirius nodded.

 

“Of course, Remus,” he responded, his tone neutral. Remus gave him a look.

 

“Drop the camera smile, Sirius, and let me know that you’re okay,” Remus said, squeezing Sirius’s shoulder. There was so much concern in those lovely amber eyes. 

 

“I’m fine, Remus. I promise,” Sirius said genuinely. Remus nodded hesitantly, releasing Sirius’s shoulder from his grasp, leaving Sirius momentarily mourning the loss of the warmth.

 

“Are you ready to go in?” Remus asked. Sirius nodded, taking a deep breath. There was an ominous sense of dread looming over him, like by walking in, he was stepping into a very dangerous place. A place that he wouldn’t be able to escape.

 

Notes:

This fic has so much black brothers drama, like I love them with all my heart and soul, but can they please just COMMUNICATE????? I know I'm the author and I have control over what they do, but like, can they please just not be stupid??? (They're going to continue being stupid and I will suffer for it)

I hope you enjoyed this chapter :) Chapter 3 comes out next Friday

Chapter 3: Three Words

Summary:

Sirius has very mixed feelings on the person who used to be his brother.

Notes:

Oh boy. This one is.. interesting. I love this chapter, but like. It hurts a bit. It'll be fine, I promise.

Also, a little tiny tad bit of wolfstar. I love them<333

There was clear animosity between the two bands as they sat quietly on opposite sides of the table. Barty and Evan sat on either side of Regulus, bringing a vile taste to Sirius' mouth. Ever since Sirius had met them, he despised them, despised their influence on his little brother. Regulus must have noticed the way Sirius glared at them, giving a cold smirk to Sirius. The two girls sat at the end of the table, talking animatedly with Marlene, who seemed to be flirting with the dark-skinned one Sirius had seen outside. The other girl was Pandora Rosier, the better Rosier sibling by far. Sirius had always liked her and liked her presence in Regulus’s life. James and Remus sat on either side of Sirius, offering him emotional support. 

 

The conversation was polite, if a bit unnatural, hidden in the smooth tones of false charm they had learned in their childhood. There was none of the snark that Sirius knew from his brother and his friends. Just indifference, and that infuriated Sirius more than anything else.

 

“So,” Regulus started, sounding infuriatingly bored. Sirius hated him.

 

“So,” Sirius agreed, sounding just as bored, though it was fully false. Sirius was truly intrigued by the boy in front of him who could only barely be called his brother. He looked nothing like the Regulus that their mother had cultivated, from old money and cold, icy snark. But Sirius could see in his eyes, how little Regulus had truly changed. There was still a coldness in those bitter gray eyes that looked so much like Sirius’s own. He had the brief thought that it was like looking into a mirror. It was a bit nauseating, so he pushed it away.

 

“It’s a pleasure to meet you all,” James said, ever the diplomat, friendliness in his voice. “We’ve heard wonderful things about your music, and we’re sure it will be a pleasure to have you on tour with us.” The lines are manufactured and artificial, lacking James’s natural warmth. Still, that didn’t stop him from saying them with all of the friendliness in the world.

 

Regulus scowled for just a moment, before plastering a coy smile onto his face. “Thank you. We’re glad to be joining you. I can’t speak for the others, but from the little I’ve heard of your music, you are… certainly talented.” The words seemed to leave a bitter taste in Regulus’s mouth, judging by his disgusted scowl and the way he sipped his water, like he wanted to wash away the taste of the compliment on his tongue. It almost brought a smile to Sirius’s face.

 

“We’re glad you think that,” Remus said softly, with a kind smile on his face. Regulus looked at him, almost pitying, before plastering that artificial smile back onto his face. “It’ll be an honor working with you.”

 

“Oh, the honor’s all ours, really,” Regulus said. “We’re not the most well known, and we appreciate the chance to get our names into the public eye by working with such… well-known musicians.” Sirius could hear the discomfort in his voice. He didn’t want to be here. Sirius momentarily questioned if Barty and Evan had forced him to accept, and how dare they force his little brother to do anything . That was fucking nauseating. Perhaps the wine was getting to Sirius’s head.

 

“Excuse me,” Sirius said, tapping James’s shoulder to let him out of the booth. “I’m going to the restroom. Prongs, mind keeping them entertained while I’m gone?” James nodded concernedly. Sirius stood up, walking towards the restroom signs in the back of the restaurant. He distantly heard Remus excuse himself from the table as he swung the restroom door open. He heard it slam shut behind him.

 

He sank to the restroom floor, which was clean and polished marble, because of fucking course it was. Stupid fancy high-end restaurant. He buried his head in his hand, fingers gripping long locks of hair. He momentarily considered standing up and acting normal when he heard the bathroom door open, but ultimately decided that he just didn’t care.

 

“Pads?” Remus said softly, putting a hand on Sirius’s head. Sirius glanced up through his eyelashes, taking in concerned golden eyes, and warm-toned skin, and a thin silver scar surrounded by lovely freckles. Lovely .

 

“Sirius. Are you okay?” Remus asked, crouching down so that he could be face-to-face with Sirius. Remus’s eyes were so pretty and golden. “Sirius,” Remus said, concerned.

 

Sirius smiled sadly. “I’m fine, Remus. I promise.” Remus frowned and shook his head.

 

“No, you’re not,” Remus said, sitting down next to Sirius. “I know what you look like when you’re fine. This is not it.” 

 

Sirius chuckled softly. “And what do I look like when I’m ‘fine’?”

 

Remus paused for a minute. “...Warm. Warm and bright. And you have a specific grin when you’re fine. It looks… real, I suppose. I dunno. It’s nice though.” Remus looked at him, his honey-colored gaze, soft. “The smile you had out there, and the one you keep trying to use here, it doesn’t look real. It doesn’t look quite like you.”

 

Sirius looked at him and his eyes stung. Remus was right, he supposed. He usually was, always so smart. So smart and so pretty. 

 

“He’s so different, Moons,” Sirius whispered sadly, tears filling his eyes until they dripped gently down his cheeks. “I remember how he used to be, and that… that’s not my little brother, Remus.” Sirius choked back the sobs, shaking slightly. Remus wrapped his arms around Sirius, pulling him into his chest. “That’s not my little Reggie anymore.”

 

“He wouldn’t be,” Remus murmured into Sirius’s hair. Sirius could feel his breath on his hair. “You haven’t seen him in years, Pads.”

 

Sirius could barely breathe, choking on the tears. “I know, I know, I know, I know, I know. I just missed my brother, Remus. I missed my little Reggie, and… he’s not there. That’s not him.” Sirius fisted at the black fabric of Remus’s sweater as he sobbed into it. There would surely be tear stains on it but Sirius didn’t think that Remus would mind. “I love him. My Reggie, I really loved him. But Regulus, that Regulus out there, I hate him. I hate him so much, Remus.”

 

“I know,” Remus whispered. “I know.”

 

“He looks like me now. I hate him, I hate him, I hate him, I hate him,” Sirius sobbed, before softly whispering, “But I love my brother so much.”

 

“I know,” Remus whispered once more.

 

Sirius sobbed, tightly grasping onto Remus’s sweater. He could almost still hear Regulus’s voice, though he was sure he was imagining it. ‘ I hate you, ’ Sirius thought bitterly. ‘I love you,’ Sirius thought, and maybe he hated Regulus more, just because he still did.

 

‘I miss you.’

Notes:

I SWEAR WE'RE GOING TO GET TO THE LONG CHAPTERS SOON. NEXT CHAPTER, I PROMISE.

But I love this chapter. I love Sirius's fucked up, messy feelings. I love his confusion. I love his crush on Remus. I just love.

Anyways, hope you enjoyed the little tiny bit of angst. Just a little tiny bit. Definitely.

Chapter 4: Interview

Notes:

Welcome to the long chapters!! I kind of love this chapter honestly. Like, there's some cute fluff, and a lot of Regulus having complicated feelings. Anyways, enjoy!!!!!

The conversation had fallen flat after Sirius had left, Lupin soon to follow. Potter had tried to keep up the conversation, much to Regulus’s disdain. Still, he kept up the cold smile that had gotten him through his childhood. It didn’t defer the man across from him, shining eyes behind gold-framed glasses. He noted the anxious way that Potter fidgeted with his hands, tapping softly on the white tablecloth. Regulus wasn’t sure if it was the situation making him anxious, or Sirius’s prolonged absence.

 

“So,” Potter said, pushing his glasses up on his nose. “Are you…?” 

 

Regulus cocked his head to the side. “Am I what?”

 

Potter grinned sheepishly, a warm pink tinting the brown skin of his cheeks. “Are you, um, dating anyone? Perhaps one of your bandmates?”

 

Regulus scoffed. “No, I’m not. And I have no interest in dating right now. Especially not someone I work with.” There was a pressed coldness in his voice, silently hoping that the conversation would change.

 

Potter smiled. He looked as though he were about to say something when Sirius walked up, holding Remus’s hand. They were so lacking in subtlety, it was nauseating. 

 

Sirius’s eyes were red-rimmed as he mumbled, “Let’s go.”

 

Regulus scowled. “What?”

 

Sirius glared, having dropped that disgustingly artificial smile he had worn all evening. Regulus couldn’t help the smirk that graced his face. “Let’s go. We have an interview to get to.”

 

“We haven’t ordered anything, Sirius,” Regulus said coldly.

 

Sirius glared at Regulus. “If you’re hungry, I’ll buy you something after the interview. Besides, you aren’t paying for the reservation. You aren’t losing any money.”

 

The silence was piercing. Regulus eventually sighed, not wanting to argue. “Fine. Let’s go.”

 

Though Barty and Evan gave him weird looks, nobody argued, following Regulus as he stood up and started walking away. Regulus stuck his hands in his pockets and walked swiftly out of the restaurant, leaving the others in his wake. It was a mid-March evening, the breeze just cold enough to make Regulus shiver. He wasn’t waiting for anything, not really. He watched as the limo pulled up outside the restaurant and scoffed. Sirius had run away from the wealthy life they had been born into, only to return to wealth and tedious limousine rides. How ironic. Regulus hadn’t found that type of wealth again, though he craved his former luxury sometimes. Those were the times in which Regulus had to remind himself that no matter how little money he had, any life outside of that house was better than the life he had inside. Those were also the times in which he wanted so desperately to make enough to move out of Evan’s apartment, to stop being such a burden to one of his closest friends.

 

Regulus heard heavy footsteps behind him. He turned to see Sirius glaring coldly at him, still holding Remus’s hand. Potter was standing next to Sirius, running a hand through his hair, making it even messier than it already was. Regulus gestured silently to the limo. Remus and Sirius got in. James didn’t.

 

“Regulus,” James said kindly. “Are you… riding with us? I know Serpentine isn’t as, um, well-off, and I’m not sure how you guys got here, but, um, if you want, you guys could ride with us?”

 

Regulus simply scowled. “We have a van, Potter. Thanks for the offer, but no thanks.” Regulus only took a moment to relish in James’s seeming disappointment before turning, walking off into the parking lot.

 

Regulus waited a few minutes by the white van before his bandmates arrived, Barty holding the keys. Barty always drove, saying he didn’t trust any of the others, except maybe Dorcas, to do it. Regulus supposed that was fair, seeing as both Evan and himself tended to be frantic drivers, and Pandora simply didn’t like it.

 

There wasn’t much talking on the way to the interview, at some TV station Regulus couldn’t care less about. He thought he’d probably have to now, seeing as the whole world would be looking at his face. Regulus could hear Barty humming along to a Queen song from the radio in the front. Regulus knew the pattern so well, he could hear Evan singing along before he even opened his mouth.

 

“ I can serenade, and gently play on your heartstrings ,” Evan sang, quietly at first, but his voice grew louder as he kept singing. “ Be a Valentino just for you …” Pandora grinned at him, and Regulus rolled his eyes, inhaling quickly before he joined in, singing quietly.

 

“ Ooooh, love ,” Regulus sang tentatively, smiling slightly as he continued. “ Ooooooh, lover boy… ” The world always seemed to quiet when Regulus sang, both literally and figuratively, pausing to listen to Regulus sing.

 

“ What’re you doing tonight? ” Pandora joined in, along with Regulus. “ Hey, boy ,” Barty and Evan sang, taking the background vocals.

 

“ Set my alarm, turn on my charm, that’s because I’m a good old-fashioned lover boy ,” They all sang together. They were loud now. They always got louder as they started singing together. Pandora burst into a fit of giggles as the chorus ended, Regulus, Evan and Dorcas chuckling along with her. Barty smiled into the rear view mirror.

 

Regulus was still smiling softly as they pulled into the studio parking lot, looking out of place among all the fancy, expensive black cars. Regulus took a deep breath as the car stopped, and Barty opened his door, stepping out. Regulus waited until Evan had stepped out of the passenger seat and Pandora had stepped out from the backseat. Dorcas followed him out, putting a calm, jewelry covered hand on his shoulder.

 

“Reg,” she said, her voice always calm. “What’s going on?” 

 

Regulus cocked his head to the side. “What do you mean?”

 

Dorcas glared at him. “Regulus, do not play dumb with me. Why are you going on the tour? I saw how you are with Sirius, it’s not- it’s not ‘calm’, or ‘fine’, or-”

 

“Cas,” Regulus interrupted, putting a hand on hers and gently pushing it off his shoulder. “I’m fine. I promise.”

 

“No, you’re not, Reg. What’s going on-”

 

“Hey!” Evan called out, gesturing wildly from halfway across the parking lot. “Come on! We have an interview to go on!”

 

Dorcas hesitantly started walking towards the rest of the band, glancing back at him. “We’ll talk about this later,” she said somewhat coldly. Regulus nodded in response.

Regulus quickly found out how much he hated the preparation for television. He was swarmed by people trying to straighten his clothes, and fix his curls into place, and smother him in makeup. When they decided he was camera ready, he was escorted out onto a stage where the Marauders were already seated, each of them in a crimson armchair. Regulus was seated in an emerald one. A few of the Marauders’ outfits seemed to have been swapped out by the camera crew. The girl, Marlene McKinnon was her name, and Sirius got to keep their outfits, but Remus and Potter had their much more comfortable looking outfits switched with suits. Remus’s was a light brown. Potter’s was a beautiful maroon that looked far too nice on him. Frankly, it looked disgustingly nice. Regulus scowled at the sight of it.

 

His bandmates soon came out, also having some of their outfits changed. Pandora’s hair had been redone into pigtails and she was now wearing a sky-blue dress covered in red and yellow butterflies. Dorcas’s hair had been let down, her braids swaying by her shoulders. Barty and Evan seemed to have only gotten the makeup treatment that Regulus had. Pandora sat down next to Regulus.

 

“Hm, they didn’t change you,” Pandora said airily, her strikingly blue eyes wide. “That’s a shame. Some of the clothes they had would have looked nice on you.” Pandora tapped at the hem of her dress. “I rather like this dress. Maybe they’ll let me keep it.”

 

Regulus smiled fondly before turning his attention to a tall woman walking up to the desk in the center of the room, her red heels clicking on the tiled floor. She was holding a stack of papers which she set down on the desk, smiling at them with an artificial, bright red lipstick covered smile, before sitting down at the desk. She looked around their age, maybe a bit older, with brown hair tied in a tight bun. As she clicked her long red nails against the desk, Regulus thought back to his mother, always holding herself in such a similar way, with perfect posture, and long nails, and clicking heels, and a tight, regal bun. One look at Sirius told him that his brother saw the same thing.

 

“Well then,” the woman said, pressing bright-red lips together. “My name is Audrey Tilas. The show will be starting in a few minutes.”

 

After a few minutes, Regulus heard a voice behind the cameras saying, ‘Lights, camera speeds, and we’re rolling!’

 

He watched the woman, Audrey, adjust her expression into a camera-ready smile. “Good evening, and welcome to the show! Tonight we have some special guests: Both the Marauders, and Serpentine, here to talk about their upcoming tour!”

 

“We’re glad to be here, Audrey,” Potter said charismatically, giving her a warm grin.

 

“And we’re glad to have you. Now, Regulus, may I call you Regulus?” She didn’t let him answer before she kept speaking. “You’re the ‘leader’, so to speak, of Serpentine. What led you and your band to joining the tour?”

 

“Oh, you know, Audrey, this is a very exciting opportunity for us,” Regulus said with a practiced smile, filled with charm. “I mean, of course some of it was to share our music with a larger group of people, but it was mostly our respect for the Marauders.”

 

“Have you had any previous experience with them?” Audrey asked. Regulus almost laughed. 

 

“Oh, I’ve been a fan of their music for quite some time now,” he lied, making sure to glance over at Sirius. “I feel so… close to their music.

 

“We’re glad you feel that way,” Sirius interrupted, locking eyes with Regulus. They were wearing the same plastic smile. “Have you been able to see us play live before?”

 

“No,” Regulus replied. “I haven’t had the pleasure of seeing you.”

 

“So Regulus,” Audrey said, clearly trying to cut through the coldness of the conversation with her overly bubbly tone. “Do you have a favorite song by the Marauders?”

 

“Of course!” Regulus said. “Their song ‘Brother’ happens to be my favorite. Funnily enough, we also have a song called ‘Brother’, though ours is about Barty here. I don’t know who theirs is about, seeing as none of them happen to have brothers.”

 

“Hm,” Audrey said curiously. “ Who would that song happen to be about?”

 

Sirius paused, looking down sadly. “Just someone I used to trust.”

 

“Y’know,” Audrey started. “Sirius, Regulus, you two look rather similar. Do you two happen to have any connection? Other than the tour, I mean.”

 

It was Regulus’s turn to pause, Sirius speaking instead. “No. None at all.”

 

There was a bit of an awkwardness for a moment, before it was cut through by Audrey’s bubbly voice. “So, and this is for both the bands, who would you consider to be your musical inspiration?”

 

After that, Regulus started to tune her out, only chiming in when a question was asked directly to him. It didn’t take very long for him to grow weary of Audrey’s voice, and her artificial smile. He remembered how much he hated the press as a child, following around the children of an unwanted fortune. Now, without that fortune looming over him, he realized that he still hated the press. 

 

After the interview, which seemed to drag on far longer than it should’ve, all Regulus wanted to do was go back to Evan’s apartment and sleep. He didn’t say goodbye to the Marauders as he stood up, walking stiffly away from the stage. He ended up walking around until he found his way out to the parking lot. He breathed deeply, reveling in the fresh air. The air in the studio was hot and stagnant. It felt stifling. Regulus lit a cigarette as he stood by the van, waiting for his friends to catch up.

 

To anyone who asked, Regulus would say that he smoked. He didn’t believe in being an occasional smoker, or a social smoker. You either smoked, or you didn’t, and while Regulus only ever smoked when he was stressed, he still smoked. It didn’t help that he was very easily stressed.

 

Once his friends had arrived at the van, Regulus put out the cigarette, tossing it onto the ground. Pandora was still wearing the sky-blue dress, but she was now carrying a bag that presumably had her other outfit in it. Evan was muttering under his breath about how Pandora had begged him to buy the dress for her. She looked happy though, so Evan looked happy too. 

 

“Hey, you okay?” Dorcas asked as they piled into the van. Regulus sighed, not meeting her eyes.

 

“Just tired.”

Notes:

This chapter was originally not meant to be twice the length of the previous chapters, but it started a pattern, and now I can't escape from it. But I love it sm!!!!!!!! There were hints of jegulus being stupid, and there were the slytherin skittles being besties, and singing, and Audrey, one of my random OC's who I LOVE like she will never come back, but she's so overworked and tired, and I hope she gets some rest. Also Dorcas and Regulus are friends, and I adore them.

Also, the song they sang in the van was Good Old-Fashioned Lover Boy by Queen for anyone who didn't know. It will come back. Again. And again. And again.

Also, also, I hope you enjoyed!!!

Chapter 5: Private Jets and In-Betweens

Notes:

So... couple notable mentions, just from a warning purpose. It's not like, triggering or anything, I don't think, but there is a little bit of Regulus x Male OC, who he doesn't particularly like. There's also a kiss that Regulus doesn't really want to participate in, but he's not super against it, and it's not forced. Overall, it's a pretty lighthearted chapter though.

(Also, I'm sorry I'm a bit late on the update. I was at a show last night and I forgot to post. My bad)

The days between the first interview and the tour were long and almost-calm. Regulus spent almost all of those days trying to prepare himself for the inevitable reunion with Sirius. He had also spent that time avoiding his bandmates. He still went to rehearsals, of course, but immediately afterwards, he would run away to that little coffee shop on the corner where he would resist the urge to look at Sirius’s most recent posts. He already knew it would be riddled with photos from the interview and plastic smiles.

 

Regulus could not be more glad that, while there were occasional people on the street who would want to take a photo or ask him about the Marauders, he was still mostly unknown, at least in the coffee shop that had become his safe haven. Dorcas would call Regulus almost every day, asking for him to talk to her. He never did. Sirius didn’t text him at all. Regulus wasn’t sure if he was glad or infuriated.

 

“Hey,” said a tall, thin boy with tawny brown skin with dyed-blonde hair, black at the roots. He was wearing an apron and holding a notepad. “Are you going to order something today, Regulus?” Most of the wait staff knew his name at this point. They knew that he always sat at the counters at the window, in the seat closest to the door. They knew that if he did order food, it would either be a blueberry muffin or an apple danish. They knew that he only ever drank his drinks black, though they didn’t know that it made him laugh internally, knowing that his brother would have made a joke about their last name, before making Regulus scowled into his drink at the thought of Sirius’s loud, blaring laugh. 

 

“Hi, um…” Regulus glanced down at the boy’s name tag. “Ryan. I’d like a large black coffee and an apple danish. Please.”

 

The boy- Ryan- smiled, like his order was some sort of inside joke.  “Of course. Oh, and I, um, I get off work at six. If you, um,” the boy groaned, covering his face with his hand. “Shit, sorry, I’m not good at this. Just… Regulus, would you want to get dinner with me?” Regulus wasn’t particularly fazed by this. He just smiled at the boy. 

 

“Sure, Ryan,” Regulus said. The boy seemed happy as he walked away, presumably to continue working. Regulus wasn’t particularly fond of the boy. He didn’t know him at all. Still, Ryan was pretty enough, and for Regulus, that would be enough for him to endure his company and probably get a free dinner.

 

Before Regulus left, he left Ryan a twenty pound tip, and Regulus’s number, written onto a napkin. 

 

Of course, Regulus went back at six, when Ryan got off work. And of course, Regulus let Ryan bring him to a small Indian restaurant that Ryan wouldn’t stop gushing about. He listened (sort of) as Ryan chattered on and on about astrology, and gardening, and all his other dull interests. Regulus let Ryan bring him back to Evan’s apartment, and he even let Ryan kiss him, though Regulus was rather stiff and nonparticipating. He wished Ryan a good night, before stepping in, collapsing into his bed.

 

Regulus continued going out with Ryan. It never got more interesting, and Regulus never started feeling anything more for him. He supposed it just felt nice to be treated normally. At one point Ryan told Regulus that he didn’t really like the Marauders’ music. That was the most Regulus ever liked him.

 

As the days slipped away and Regulus knew he’d soon be leaving for the tour, Regulus spent more time with Ryan. He didn’t talk much with Ryan but that was fine. It felt normal at least. It didn’t feel like a countdown to a tour that Regulus didn’t particularly want to be on.

 

On the morning that Regulus was supposed to head to the airport and start the tour, Regulus texted Ryan, saying a simple ‘ I’m breaking up with you ’. He then shut off his phone, setting his phone on airplane mode. He grabbed his bags and went out with Evan to catch the ride that had been sent to them. 

 

Though he rode with his best friends in the world, the car was completely silent throughout the entire ride to the airport. The limo smelled stale, and the air was stifling. Barty fidgeted nervously, flexing and relaxing his fingers. Evan seemed to be scrolling mindlessly on his phone as Pandora, who was sitting next to him, peered over his shoulder, making little excited faces at the things on the screen. Dorcas kept glancing over him with concern, and Regulus kept avoiding her eyes.

 

The limo pulled up to a small, private airport. Potter seemed to just appear outside the door, smiling with that obnoxiously pretty smile. He opened the door, glancing warmly at Regulus.

 

“Hi, everyone!” Potter said cheerfully. His hair was messy, falling into his face. He seemed to almost constantly be pushing it up. “So, um, we’ve been provided a private jet by the studio, so it should be a relatively comfortable flight. It will be long, though.”

 

Regulus rolled his eyes. “We know, Potter. Now, can you stop blocking the door so that I can get out?” This was going to be awful.

 

The inside of the jet was luxurious. That was to be expected though. Remus and Sirius were sitting next to each other, chatting quietly. Probably whispering nauseatingly sweet nothings to each other. Disgusting. He watched Dorcas’s eyes train on McKinnon, who was bobbing her head to whatever song was blaring through her headphones. He wasn’t surprised when Dorcas was quick to sit next to her. Barty and Evan sat together in front of Pandora. Regulus could see Barty offer Evan one of his headphones. 

 

And well, Regulus had two options. He could sit next to Pandora, one of his best friends in the world, or he could sit next to Potter, the infuriatingly attractive asshole who stole his brother away from him. The answer seemed obvious to him as he moved to sit next to Pandora, but she shook her head. 

 

“Pandora, please,” he whispered.

 

Once again, Pandora shook her head, smiling secretively. “Just trust me, Reggie.” And he did. He knew better than to doubt Pandora, and her secretive decisions. Somehow, though it never really made sense to any of them, Pandora always seemed to know what would happen, and they had learned to trust her intuition.

 

And that’s how Regulus ended up sitting next to one James Potter on a long plane ride. 

 

“So,” James said. “How are you?” Regulus just glared at him, which, somehow, elicited a warm chuckle from James, and how fucking dare he? He had no right to create such a beautiful sound, something so warm, and so happy, Regulus felt something warm flutter in his stomach. Regulus turned away from him to glare out the window, putting his earbuds in.

 

“How did you get into music?” James asked, pushing his golden round-framed glasses up his nose. Regulus glanced back at him. He sighed, taking out his earbuds.

 

“I just picked up a guitar one day, and it just clicked,” Regulus said, feigning honesty.

 

James looked impressed, his eyes wide and starstruck, like Regulus was the most interesting thing he’d ever seen. “Wow. Really?”

 

Regulus scoffed. “No. It took years of tireless practice and classical musical training.”

 

James didn’t look disappointed at all by the truth, maintaining that starstruck quality. 

 

Regulus sighed, looking into James’s warm, pretty brown eyes. “When I was four, my parents started me on classical piano. They weren’t into the arts, not really; they just wanted a child with musical awards. One of my older relatives was meant to take over finances, so they needed me to prove my worth via music awards.” Regulus ran a hand through his hair, though the curls fell directly back into their place. “They started me on violin when I was seven. I didn’t like it very much, but music made me calm. I like piano better. When I was fifteen, someone very close to me left, and I inherited their guitar. I taught myself to play it, and, eventually, I took some of my old poetry, and put it to the melodies I created. One day, after I had moved in with my friend Evan, he walked in on me playing one of the songs I wrote, and ended up calling some of our friends, screaming about how I’m some sort of musical genius,” Regulus looked at James, bored. It was a fond memory, but that didn’t change his disinterest in sharing it. “And that’s how I ended up in a band.”

 

James seemed intrigued. “Hm. I got really into music in my teens. My dad was playing some rock music in the car. Older rock, not any stuff I heard before. I looked at him and said ‘I want to be like that’. Two months later, for my birthday, I got my first guitar. I didn’t really stop playing after that.”

 

Regulus knew how bored he looked, how unimpressed. He silently hoped that that look hurt James. Regulus never really was one for emotional conversations. “Great, but I didn’t ask.” He put his earbuds back in, playing a Queen song, Good Old-Fashioned Lover Boy. Sirius had always liked it when he was younger. Made Regulus listen to it so many times. Now, it just felt safe, familiar. Regulus never wanted to think about why.

 

About thirty seconds into the song, James tapped on his shoulder. Regulus paused the song, glaring at him. “What?”

 

James gave him a lopsided grin. “Oh, um, you were humming. I just wanted to tell you that you sounded nice.”

 

Regulus was caught off-guard by the sudden compliment, freezing up a bit. “Oh. Thanks.”

 

He expected the conversation to end there, but because the universe hates him and James Potter is a pain in the ass, he just kept talking. “Good Old-Fashioned Lover Boy, right? By Queen?” Regulus nodded. “Great choice! I love that song! I once tried to serenade a girl I liked with it when I was in highschool. It didn’t go too well, but at least I got some applause for my singing.”

 

Regulus just looked at him for a moment before hesitantly handing James one of his earbuds, which he took with an ecstatic grin. It didn’t take long before Regulus heard soft, quiet singing. And fuck, if he thought James’s chuckle was a beautiful sound, then James’s singing must be the voice of angels, holy and beautiful. The world seemed to stop, just so that Regulus could listen to James sing the beautiful, romantic lyrics under his breath.

 

“ Ooooh, let me feel your heartbeat, grow faster, faster ,” James sang quietly, under his breath, and Regulus could feel his cheeks heat, his heart rate quicken. “ Can you feel my love heat? ”

 

Regulus spent the rest of the unfortunately long plane ride listening to James quietly sing along to the music and trying to ignore the loud thumping in his chest. He didn’t make eye contact with James again, mostly staring out the window at the water below them. Regulus eventually fell asleep to the beautiful sound of James singing. He could spend the rest of his life listening to James sing.

 

He woke up just before the plane was about to land, drool dripping from his mouth. When he noticed James staring at him with an odd look in his eyes, he quickly wiped his mouth, embarrassed. There was still music playing from his earbud, but he didn’t know the song. It had probably just started playing random songs after the playlist ended. 

 

“Good morning,” James said cheerfully. He took out Regulus’s earbud and handed it back to him.

 

“Thank you,” Regulus muttered. He would have to brush his teeth when they got to their hotel. 

 

They didn’t talk again, and Regulus tried to ignore the fluttering in his stomach whenever James glanced over at him. When the plane eventually landed, Regulus took his phone off airplane mode and checked his texts. There was a single text from Ryan. Right. He opened up the conversation to find a single message, a single word.

 

‘Okay.’

 

Regulus almost laughed. Honestly, he probably should’ve been upset, or infuriated by the nonchalant response, but he just didn’t care. He hadn’t wanted much from Ryan, and, frankly, he had been infuriatingly boring. He had been nice enough, and smart, but he didn’t make Regulus feel anything. Regulus almost unknowingly glanced over at James.

 

When on that plane ride did James stop being just ‘Potter’? Regulus couldn’t be sure. Maybe it was when James chuckled, sending out that lovely sound into the world. Maybe it was the kind, lighthearted conversation. Maybe it was when he sang. Maybe it was the minute that he started feeling real to Regulus. Human. When he stopped just being the source of Regulus’s misery, and started being just another person.

 

Regulus didn’t know or particularly care when James stopped being ‘Potter’. All he knew were the nauseating butterflies in his stomach, and the sun in James’s smile.

Notes:

Song: Good Old-Fashioned Lover Boy by Queen (This song won't leave me alone. I just can't stop picturing Regulus going through the world listening to Queen on repeat)

So, I have a couple of things to say about this chapter, because I love it, but also, there's so much. First off, Ryan is not like, a bad person. He's a sweetheart, but he is just SO BORING to Regulus. Like, he doesn't give a fuck about astrology or gardening, or literally anything that Ryan talks about. But I like him. I don't care about the stuff he likes, but I like him.

Then, there's the plane. By the way, I LOVE PANDORA SO MUCH<3333 Like, she really said 'No, go sit with your future boyfriend' and I love her for that. And James is a sweetheart. I adore him. Regulus had like one actual conversation with James, shared a very doctored version of his depressing backstory, and fell head over heels, and I don't really blame him. Also, Regulus heard James sing and fucking melted. He's a puddle now, and he will not be solidifying again.

Anyways, I hope you enjoyed this chapter!!! Have a good day!!!!!!

Chapter 6: Moth to a Flame

Summary:

The tour starts

Notes:

We love a band au about two bands on tour where they only start the tour in chapter 6

Shit gets wild from here, in good, and very, very bad ways, and I am so excited!!!! Like, I love this fic so much!! Everything is starting now and it's gonna be great (at least for me)!!!!

The schedule was simple. They had four days in every location. A concert on the first night, a concert on the third night, and the rest of the days were used for interviews, publicity stunts, and relaxation. They arrived, exhausted from the plane ride, in Ontario, Canada. Most everyone got their own rooms, except Barty and Evan, who had volunteered to room together for the entire tour, much to Regulus’s surprise.

 

The hotel was nice, and probably more expensive than Regulus could afford. He set down his suitcase on the soft green carpet before collapsing onto the bed. He let out a sigh as he closed his eyes, sinking into the bed.

 

The first concert was tonight. That was strange to think about. It had only been a couple months since he had accepted the offer. Only a couple months since he saw Sirius again. Only a couple months since he met James, the boy who stole his brother away. 

 

There was that pounding again in his chest, his heart racing. Regulus pressed a hand to his chest and breathed deeply. It was so strange, that racing, which occurred every time James entered his mind. He wasn’t stupid enough to truly not understand what the pounding signified, but he just couldn’t wrap his head around it. Romance was portrayed in every aspect of the media, but there was a bond, a sort of affection there that Regulus couldn’t fathom possessing. Especially not with James, who Regulus had hated before he ever had the misfortune of seeing him smile.

 

Regulus hadn’t realized that he was dozing off until he woke up three hours later, with a text from Barty on his phone.

 

‘Where tf r u???? Soundcheck????’

 

“Fuck,” Regulus mumbled, pulling himself out of bed. He pulled out an outfit from one of his suitcases. That suitcase he only used for his concert outfits. He picked out a black crop-top and ripped black jeans, with Doc Martens and a black choker. He looked at himself in the tall mirror, running a hand through his curls, and smiled. He felt good.

 

Regulus showed up twenty-five minutes into the soundcheck, feeling dread build up in his throat. He wasn’t often late to events, forcing himself into a habit of punctuality. As he stepped onto the stage he heard Barty, Dorcas and Evan playing one of their songs while Pandora stood by Evan’s drum set. It wasn’t one that they would be playing tonight, but it worked well enough for a soundcheck. Barty was the first to notice Regulus’s presence, glancing over suddenly as he played, grinning.

 

“Glad you could join us, Reg,” Barty grinned, his abnormally sharp canines glinting. He was wearing a torn black Led Zeppelin shirt, black jeans, and fingerless gloves. He had his septum ring in. Barty had always thought they looked cool.

 

“Fuck off, Crouch,” Regulus deadpanned, his gaze cold as he walked confidently out onto the stage, picking up the microphone. “Let’s do a run-through of our setlist, shall we?” Regulus looked around at his friends who nodded. Pandora smiled and stepped towards her keyboard. She didn’t play on every song, but she took part in dozens of different instruments, depending on the song. Evan started counting them off, clicking his sticks together, and Regulus smiled.

 

There were more people than Regulus expected at the concert. That was probably stupid, considering the popularity of the Marauders, but still, Regulus felt the pressure rise. They had decided to stick with some of their older songs for the first couple concerts, not wanting to take a chance by playing their newer songs that they hadn’t known as well.

 

Regulus heard his cue, and took a deep breath, before strutting out onto the stage, grabbing his microphone. “Good evening, Ontario!” Regulus shouted, leading to applause and cheers from the audience. Regulus smiled at the validation. “We know you’re all looking forward to seeing the Marauders, and they’ll be here soon, but for now, we are Serpentine!” More applause, more cheers. Evan counted them off, and Pandora started playing, the piano notes meshing with Barty’s guitar and Dorcas’s bass. 

 

“David has a bachelor’s and master’s degree,” Regulus sang softly into the mic. “David’s married soon to have a family of three. David makes six figures, and what about me? Yeah, call me a wannabe.”

 

Regulus lifted his mic from the stand walking slowly across the stage as he kept singing. “Mom says ‘ditch the hobbies, find a job to pursue’.” he leaned the mic into Dorcas so that she could sing the last part with him. Regulus strutted, quicker now, to Barty. “Dad says ‘don’t go chasing dreams if you can’t go through’ .” Regulus turned away from Barty, towards the audience. “‘David couldn’t do it, so neither can you,” Regulus sang with both Barty and Dorcas, as Regulus walked forward into the center of the stage. “Now I’ve got something to prove!” Regulus belted, as he went into the chorus.

 

“ ‘Cause I’m so sick of “second best”

I’m so sick of “not impressed”

This family’s obsessed

With validation

And reputation ”

 

“American dream,” Regulus sang, the rest of the band singing the same line quietly in the background.

“Tell me what’s the price of perfection?

Tell me why I crave your affection

When excellence is expected

Praise is a luxury.”

 

Regulus started walking again, pacing slowly across the stage.

 

“American dream

Why do my achievements define me?

Why does life feel so damn confining

When success is respected

There’s no room for mediocrity.”

 

Regulus tapped the beat gently on his thigh, as he hummed quietly, inhaling deeply before the start of the second verse.

 

“I overcompensate in everything that I do

I bring home all the trophies that I won just for you

You see a starving musician

In debt from tuition

I’m never enough for you!” Regulus sang loudly, tears filling his eyes. It was part of the act, but that didn’t change the built up emotion. He could still feel how angry he was when he wrote the song, when he was around seventeen, desperate for his parents’ approval.

 

“‘Cause I’m so sick of being stressed

Working hard at your request

This family’s obsessed

With validation

And reputation.”

 

Regulus inhaled softly as he sang the chorus again, soft and hurting this time. He ran through the chorus, before humming softly with the melody. He could hear the different instruments Pandora had changed her keyboard to. She was always quiet and flawless about changing it, so it wasn’t surprising that he hadn’t even noticed when she had changed the sound to a saxophone. Regulus could hear his bandmates singing the chorus behind him as Regulus just breathed quietly, and dramatically, preserving his showmanship until it was time for him to run through the chorus once more. The song ended on Regulus humming softly into the microphone. 

 

He didn’t expect the applause that met the end of the song, but he accepted it with a smile. That really set the theme for the rest of their songs. They sang confidently, and were bet with hammering applause. They ran through their songs confidently before Regulus raised a hand. “Thank you, Ontario, and give it up for the Marauders!” That was graced with even more applause as Regulus and the band walked off stage, smiling out at the audience.

 

Regulus exhaled sharply as he stepped off stage, before collapsing into Barty, who wrapped his arms around Regulus. He was used to Regulus after concerts, exhausted and light-headed. He would usually either laugh hysterically, or cry.

 

“You want to come to our room?” Barty asked softly. Regulus nodded into Barty’s chest. For as shitty as they often were to each other, Barty was the best friend that Regulus could ask for, always there to comfort Regulus, or make him smile. Regulus appreciated that.

 

Regulus heard Barty and Evan say goodnight to Dorcas and Pandora, Evan taking a minute to hug his sister. Evan and Barty escorted Regulus up to their room. Regulus liked to just sit with them and watch stupid movies after concerts. It made him feel safe and comfortable after putting himself out into the world.

 

Barty and Evan sat with Regulus and watched Happy Gilmore in their hotel room after giving Regulus a t-shirt and hoodie. It wasn’t Regulus’s favorite, but Barty liked it and Regulus appreciated stupid humor after concerts. After the movie, Regulus excused himself to go to his own room. He was tired and as much as he loved watching movies with his friends, he wanted to sleep.

 

Regulus collapsed into his bed the minute he got into his hotel room. He turned off the lights and curled into his blankets, quickly falling asleep.

 

Regulus woke up to knocking on his door, pulling himself from the now messy bed with a groan. He answered the door with a glare, his hair still mussed from sleep. “What do you want?”

 

He blinked the sleep from his eyes seeing James grinning sheepishly, his brow glistening from sweat. “Um, is it a bad time?” Regulus felt his cheeks flush. He suddenly felt self-conscious of his tangled, sleep-mussed curls, and oversized hoodie, hanging off one shoulder.

 

“I was sleeping,” Regulus mumbled, staring at the floor. “How did the concert go?”

 

James grinned. “Good. Um, we just finished cleaning up. I thought I’d stop by and say that you… you were fucking fantastic. I mean, your singing was incredible, and your lyrics… you write your own songs, right?” Regulus nodded. James grinned. “I can tell. You were really incredible.”

 

Regulus froze for a moment, unsure of what to do with the praise, only letting out a small, rude sounding, “Is that all?”

 

James shook his head. “You… I don’t know what it is about you, but I feel drawn to you. You shine so bright, and I’m pulled in, like a moth to a flame.”

 

Regulus almost laughed. James was a romantic. Of course he was. “You don’t even know me.”

 

James grinned. “You’re right. I don’t. But I’d like to.” James ran a hand through his hair as a flush lit up his face, a warm blush on brown skin. “There’s a bar near here. They do karaoke, and I think it’d be fun. Um, would you like to go with me? Tomorrow night? We can meet in the lobby?”

 

Regulus should’ve said no. He shouldn’t have fallen for the same tricks that Sirius had, leaning into that warm smile, and kind eyes. He should’ve told James to fuck off. That would’ve been rational. That would’ve made sense. But he didn’t say no. He simply nodded breathlessly, his lips parted. He could feel the flush of his cheeks.

 

James grinned. “Good night, Regulus.” James walked away, leaving Regulus breathless in his wake. He could understand why Sirius had chosen James now. Why his brother had left him for this boy.

 

Because James was the sun, and everyone was drawn into his orbit, and Regulus was a moth, being pulled into the flames, but he had never been quite so happy to burn.

 

Notes:

Song: Price of Perfection by Katherine Lynn-Rose (I adore this song it is so Regulus!!)

Yes, this fic is like 67% an excuse for me to write my playlists. I love it though. Also, the ship is docked, and it is ready to sail!! This is a testament to my inability to write slowburn lol. I just love them so much and I can't wait!!! Also, I love Regulus, and I love his internal conflict over James, but like. It's not going to last. He's going to fall apart so fast.

I'm sorry in advance, the formatting for the songs and texts will change while I figure out what I want to do with it. I haven't written a fic like this with texts and lots of music, so I'm kinda just figuring it out as I go.

I hope you enjoyed :)

Chapter 7: The Rules I'll Break For You

Summary:

Date

Notes:

Soooo, I don't have an excuse here. I literally just completely forgot to post yesterday. But I'm posting now, so hooray!! I'm sorry if I keep forgetting to post over the next two weeks or so. Exams are really throwing me off, routine wise and it's fucking up my already fucked sense of time.

Anyways, there's a brief mention of Barty having a bad childhood and resorting to crime, so if that's a trigger, you might want to skip through the first section of the chapter to the part with a gap.

“Good morning!” Barty yelled, roughly pulling Regulus’s curtains open. Regulus groaned, rolling over in his bed.

 

“Fuck off,” Regulus muttered into the pillow. It was far too early for human interaction.

 

“Come on, Reg,” Evan said loudly, tapping his foot from where he stood in the doorway. “We’ve got things to do today.” Regulus grumbled in response.

 

“What was that?” Evan asked. Regulus could hear his smirk. 

 

“How did you even get in here?” Regulus asked grumpily, lifting his head just enough to glare at Evan.

 

Barty grinned, flopping down on the bed. “Oh, I picked the lock.”

 

Regulus glared at him. “What?”

 

Barty’s grin grew, spreading across his face. “I picked the lock. It was really quite easy. Hotel locks are truly a joke for anyone with experience.”

 

Regulus just sighed. It wasn’t that surprising. Barty hadn’t grown up in a good home and he had learned how to break the rules to protect himself. One of the things he did was learn how to steal, how to get away with things. He tried to push boundaries, to cause chaos, and do whatever it took to survive. Regulus had bailed him out of jail too many times to count.

 

Still, Barty grinned. “Get out of bed, Reg. We have breakfast in twenty minutes. Rehearsals are at two.”

 

 

Regulus probably should’ve told his friends that he was going out with James Potter. It’s not like he didn’t have any chances to, he just chose not to. He didn’t say it at breakfast, after Pandora told them about her weird cotton candy chicken dream. He didn’t say it during rehearsals, between songs. He didn’t say it after rehearsals, when Dorcas was groaning about how she was starving and running on coffee, and Evan was arguing back about how she should’ve eaten more at breakfast.

 

He had all day to say it, and yet he stood alone in his room, debating whether or not he should tell them just so he can ask for advice on which top to wear.

 

It’s not like he wanted to impress James (that’s a lie) and this certainly wasn’t a date. At least, not a real one. He really wasn’t sure why he was so stressed about how he would look. Still, he felt the dread rise in his throat as he stood in front of the mirror, switching between holding up a black crop-top and a green sheer top. Was the sheer too revealing? Was the crop-top too simple? Were they both ugly? Would James like it? Did he have anything to go with it? Was it too much? Was he-

 

Regulus took a deep breath, steadying himself. It didn’t really matter anyways. It wasn’t a date. He didn’t need to impress James. Still, he felt the burning desire to look attractive for him, to have James want him.

 

He ended up picking the black crop-top, meeting a grinning James in the lobby, and well. Regulus clearly wasn’t the only one who had put effort into how they looked. James wore a nice black dress shirt, only buttoned halfway. He was wearing gold earrings that matched the round frames of his glasses.

 

“Good evening,” Regulus said politely, running a hand through his hair. James grinned brightly.

 

“Hey, Regulus. You look… lovely. That’s a good word for it. Lovely,” James said warmly, walking towards Regulus, his hand extended. Regulus stared down at it blankly.

 

“What?” he asked, still staring down at James’s outstretched hand.

 

“I’m taking you somewhere. I thought you might want to hold my hand,” James smiled.

 

“Why would I do that?” Regulus deadpanned. James laughed warmly in response.

 

“Yeah, okay. Fair enough,” he smiled, the laughter never quite leaving his eyes. Regulus felt a warm tingling in his stomach. They stood awkwardly for a minute before Regulus snatched James’s hand, glaring at the floor. James chuckled quietly. His hand was warm and calloused. It was big too, much bigger than Regulus’s own. 

 

They walked to the bar that James was so fond of in silence. It was awkwardness on Regulus’s part, while James just seemed happy to be there, holding his hand. The bar was only a couple blocks away, a small, locally owned place that was fairly nice. It had dim lighting, and the lights they did have were colored in blues and pinks and purples. He could hear a woman singing karaoke loudly from the stage.

 

“Nice place,” Regulus muttered under his breath. James led him to the bar, sitting down on the stool next to him.

 

“Whiskey neat,” James said to the bartender, who nodded, giving James a friendly smile. 

 

“Whiskey?” Regulus asked, scrunching up his nose. 

 

“What?” James asked with a laugh. “I like it. It’s good.”

 

“It’s awful. You’re awful.”

 

James laughed. “Order something. If you want, that is.”

 

Regulus sighed, turning to the bartender. “Vodka cranberry, please.” James grinned at him.

 

“There you go, love,” James said cheerfully. “Loosen up. Have fun.” Regulus didn’t answer, though the tingling in his stomach flared up again at the affectionate term.

 

Regulus sat quietly as James drank his whiskey. Regulus sipped quietly at his own drink. Perhaps Regulus would’ve enjoyed it more if it was anyone else, anyone who hadn’t left him so conflicted. It wasn’t fair, not really. Not when James’s handsome face was accented by the gold of his earrings, his glasses, of the whiskey in his glass. Not when James was humming along quietly to the karaoke behind them, smiling softly. Not when he looked so relaxed here, and fuck was he beautiful like this, calmer in this setting. James turned to him with a soft look on his face.

 

“Um, are you okay? If you’re not having fun, we can leave,” James said assuringly, placing a hand on Regulus’s shoulder. Regulus shook his head.

 

“I’m fine,” he said coldly, brushing James’s hand off his shoulder. James frowned, staring at him. Regulus shifted uncomfortably under his gaze. “What?”

 

“Come on,” James said, easing Regulus’s glass out of his hand. “I brought you here for karaoke, right? Well, let's do some karaoke.”

 

“James, it’s fi-”

 

“Nope,” James said with evident determination. “Karaoke. Come on.” James stood, extending his hand to Regulus to take. Regulus did, but hesitantly. He breathed deeply as James led him up to pick a song. A David Bowie song, Modern Love. Regulus had heard it before, when Sirius was still there. At one point, Regulus had learned all the words, just from Sirius playing it. In a way, it felt warm, and bright. Like childhood. Like a childhood was supposed to be.

 

They waited quietly, sipping their drinks until they were called up. James quickly downed the remainder of his whiskey before standing up, grabbing Regulus’s hand.

 

“Show time,” he murmured under his breath, gently tugging Regulus up to the stage.

 

Regulus bobbed his head slightly to the beat as the music started. Regulus glanced over at James as he said the few spoken lines at the beginning.

 

“I know when to go out,” James said into the microphone, his voice deep and low, trying to mimic Bowie’s tone from the original song. “Know when to stay in. To get things done.” He pulled the microphone away from his face for a moment to take a breath.

 

“I catch the paperboy

But things don’t really change

I’m standing in the wind

But I never wave bye-bye,” James sang, giving a little wave, which elicited a couple of laughs from the audience, causing James to grin. “But I try, I try.” Regulus took a breath, preparing to sing the second half of the verse.

 

“There’s no sign of life

It’s just the power to charm

I’m lying in the rain

But I never wave bye-bye

But I try, I try,” Regulus sang, walking across the stage, in front of James. James was warm, and had a powerful stage presence. Regulus couldn’t help the need to stand out more. “Never gonna fall for-”

 

“Modern Love,” They sang together, James reaching out a hand, pulling Regulus in. The audience’s attention seemed glued on them now as they belted out the song.

 

“Walks beside me,” Regulus sang on his own

 

“Modern Love,” they sang together.

 

“Walks on by.”

 

“Modern love gets me to the church on time,” they sang together, and fuck, they sounded good together, James’s voice deep and powerful, while Regulus’s was softer and more melodic. Their energy was electric, Regulus could feel it in the air that surrounded them. Regulus felt himself grin, letting out breathless laughs as they sang, strutting around the stage, using their stage presence to captivate the mostly drunken audience. After the song they bowed, hand in hand before running breathlessly off the stage, laughing slightly.

 

“Excuse me,” a girl said. She looked around Regulus’s age, but smaller and sweeter looking than he did. She had straight, mousy brown hair, big green eyes, and freckled cheeks. She looked shy, and awestruck as she looked between James and Regulus. “A-are you James Potter? From the Marauders?”

 

James smiled softly. “Yes, I am. And who might you be?”

 

The girl’s eyes widened, smiling slightly. Regulus could swear he saw fucking stars in her eyes. “My name is Anna. I-I’m a huge fan. I a-actually went to your concert last night.” She turned to Regulus. “Y-you’re the lead singer of Serpentine, right? You were r-really good.”

 

Regulus smiled slightly. “Thank you. That’s super sweet.”

 

Anna beamed, nodding. “Um, c-could I get a photo with b-both of you? And maybe an a-autograph?”

 

James grinned. “Of course. Anything for a fan. Do you have paper and a pen?” Anna nodded, pulling out a black Sharpie and a small sketchbook covered in doodles. James smiled at the drawings. “These are very nice.” Anna’s face turned red.

 

“D-don’t look at those. I’m not very good.”

 

James smiled and shook his head. “Nonsense. They’re fantastic. Here.” He wrote his autograph on the brown cardboard cover of the sketchbook before handing it back to her. Anna took it with shaky hands before turning to Regulus and staring at him pleadingly.

 

“What?” Regulus asked, confused. Anna held out the notebook to him. Regulus raised an eyebrow. Anna nodded hesitantly. Regulus smiled, taking the notebook and writing his autograph under James’. He handed it back to her, smiling softly. “Here you go. And you wanted a photo, right?” Anna nodded, wide-eyed. James smiled.

 

“Well come on!” he said warmly. Anna smiled tentatively before moving in-between them and pulling out her phone. She took the photo before quickly hurrying out from between them.

 

“Thank you,” she said sweetly, nodding her head before quickly running away. James chuckled softly. Regulus turned to him to see him smiling softly.

 

“Y’know, I love meeting fans,” James said. Regulus smiled.

 

“Yeah.” That was all he really said. “Want to go back to the hotel?” Regulus asked. 

 

“Sure,” James said. “Be right back.” James walked away. Regulus could see James talk to the bartender before handing him a large wad of bills. He could see the bartender smile and thank James, who simply shook his head before walking back to Regulus. “Okay. We can go now.”

 

Regulus held James’s hand on the way back to the hotel. There wasn’t any hesitation this time. It just felt right. Regulus found himself glancing up at the sky, and silently mourned the lack of stars. James seemed like the type to enjoy listening to a partner talk about stars.

 

James walked Regulus back to his room because of course he was the courteous gentleman type. Regulus felt like he was buzzing, either from the energy of the night, or the alcohol in his stomach. James stood at his doorway, smiling sweetly at him. Of course he was fucking sweet. He seemed like the type.

 

“Good night, Regulus,” James said softly, brushing a knuckle softly against Regulus’s cheek. Regulus shook his head, moving his hand to hold James’s hand there.

 

“Stay?” Regulus murmured. James shook his head with a smile.

 

“Not yet, love. I’m not the type to do that on a first date,” James said. ‘ Date ’. That’s the word he used. That… that was nice.

 

“Date?” Regulus asked softly, his eyes wide. James nodded, grinning.

 

“Date. Definitely a date.” Regulus beamed at him.

 

“Can I… Can I do something?” Regulus asked softly. James looked at him curiously. Regulus opened his mouth before closing it again. He leaned up and kissed James softly. James looked in shock for a moment, before cupping his cheek and wrapping a hand around his waist. His hand was warm on Regulus’s uncovered skin. James leaned in and kissed him sweetly, pulling Regulus into him. It was short but sweet, leaving Regulus flushed and breathless when James released him.

 

“Good night,” James said once again, kissing Regulus on the forehead before walking away, leaving Regulus flushed, a finger on his lips.

Notes:

Song: Modern Love by David Bowie (I listened to this song on repeat while writing the chapter I love David Bowie with all my heart and soul)

Have I mentioned that I love this fic? I love this fic so much, this is my favorite thing to write. Genuinely, writing this makes me so happy. Especially this chapter.

Also, I know nothing about alcohol. I don't like alcohol, I don't like alcohol flavored things and I have very little knowledge about different types of alcohol. I kinda just wrote and took guesses.

I originally was going to wait until chapter 10 or so to have them date, but I can't write slowburn to save my life, so this is it. Like, I love jegulus way too much for this. I just wanted them to be cute and happy. And I DESPERATELY wanted their first date to be karaoke, like. That's SO THEM. And Regulus's hesitance to enjoy himself because he's attracted to James and has ✨abandonment issues✨ is so painful for me, as the author, to write, but it is so fun for me as well. And having them meet a fan (Anna my love) and Regulus just watches how nice James is interacting with her and it's so sweet, like that was probably my second or third favorite part of this chapter to write. My favorite was writing them singing Modern Love, and my second might be the hand holding. Like, Regulus was so grumpy about holding his hand and I love that.

Anyways, I hope you enjoyed<3

Chapter 8: Aftermath

Summary:

Friendship and the start of falling in love.

Notes:

I'm posting on time this week!!!! Hooray!!!! I'm actually so proud of myself because I'm had the worst fucking writers block for the past week and my ability to write literally just came back yesterday.

TW: brief mention of Regulus being sexually harassed in the past and him participating in things he didn't really want to participate in :( Everything's fine I promise

Regulus felt empty when he woke up, alone and splayed across his bed. His clothes felt tight against his skin, not the loose clothing he usually slept in. He sat up in the bed, looking in the tall mirror standing against the wall. He was still wearing his black crop-top and jeans that he had been wearing last night. His curls were lopsided, leaning almost entirely to the left side of his head. There were dark bags under his eyes, matching the exhausted expression on his face.

 

Right.

 

Regulus reached to the nightstand, snatching at his phone. There were dozens of texts from their band group chat, creatively titled ‘Gay Bitches From Hell’. The title was new, but it wasn’t particularly uncommon for them (mostly Barty) to change the group chat name, completely at random.

 

7:48

 

Regulus: Hi.

 

Barty Bitch: oml hes alive

Barty Bitch: good morning bitch

Barty Bitch: where tf were you last night?????

Barty Bitch: Evan and i were knocking on ur door for TWENTY FUCKING MINUTES

 

Regulus: I was out with someone. Can you guys come over to my room?

 

Annoying Roommate: I just woke up wth

Annoying Roommate: What’s wrong Reggie?

 

Regulus: Nothing’s wrong.

Regulus: Can you guys come over?

 

Panda: All of us?

 

Regulus: All of you.

 

Panda: Aww but I was sleeping :(

Panda: But okay <3

 

The Lesbian: I’ll be over in ten

The Lesbian: You want pastries? I’m getting coffee rn

 

Barty Bitch: yes pls!!!!!!!!!! Something salty

 

Annoying Roommate: Thanks Cas. Croissant please

 

Panda: Something with fruit<33

Panda: And a london fog, please

 

The Lesbian: Will do

The Lesbian: And an apple danish for you Reg?

 

Regulus: ...

Regulus: Yes. Thank you.

Regulus: Be here soon.

If there was one thing that Regulus liked about this hotel, it was the tea bags he found in the cabinet of the little kitchenette. He made himself some chai tea while he waited for his friends to arrive. About five minutes after he had texted the group chat, he heard furious knocking at his door.

 

“Regulus!” Barty’s muffled voice came through the door. Regulus set down his tea on the granite countertop before going to open the door.

 

“Hi,” Regulus said, swinging the door open. “Come in.” Regulus turned, going to pick his tea back up. He didn’t like the mug very much, but the tea made him feel calm.

 

“What’s up?” Evan asked, sitting down on the bed. Barty sat down next to him, gesturing for Regulus to sit with them.

 

“Um, can we wait for the others?” Regulus asked, shifting his grip on the white mug in his hands. “I just… I don’t know. I’m not sure how I feel right now. Um, something kind of weird happened.”

 

Barty’s gaze turned dark, unfocused. His fists were clenched at his sides, trembling violently. Evan looked calmer, more still, but there was something in his eyes, a burning. He looked fucking furious. Regulus just stared uncomfortably into his mug.

 

“Regulus,” Evan said softly. “Did… did something happen to you? Last night, when we couldn’t reach you?”

 

Regulus looked at him and shook his head. “No. Well, something sort of happened, but-”

 

“Did someone hurt you, Regulus?” Barty said furiously. It didn’t quite sound like a question.

 

Regulus shook his head. “No. No one hurt me. Just… please just wait until Pandora and Dorcas are here. I promise I’ll explain.”

 

Barty stilled for a moment, before nodding. He didn’t look any less furious. “Okay, Reg. Okay.”

 

They waited in silence until Dorcas arrived, carrying a bag of pastries. She was followed by Pandora, walking lightly as she sipped at her London Fog.

 

“Hi, Reggie,” Pandora said, giving Regulus a kiss on the cheek before sitting down on the bed next to Evan, who wrapped an affectionate arm around his sister. Dorcas passed around the requested pastries before stopping in front of Regulus, embracing him.

 

“Hey, Reg,” Dorcas said, pulling away to hand him his danish, wrapped in parchment paper. Regulus pulled back the parchment and took a small bite. He then rewrapped it and set it down on the counter.

 

“Regulus,” Barty said, that furious darkness still burning in his eyes. 

 

“I know, I know,” Regulus said, looking out at his concerned looking friends. He supposed he hadn’t done much to ease their worrying. They didn’t have anything to be concerned about after all, it was just a date, just a kiss. But that alone was enough to scare Regulus. “So, um, last night I went on a date with a guy. He took me to a bar and we had some drinks, did some karaoke-”

 

“Who was the guy, Reg?” Barty asked quietly.

 

“What?”

 

“Who was the guy?” Barty repeated darkly. Regulus understood his concern, and the anxiety behind the question. Regulus hadn’t had the best luck with dating and many of the men he went out with had trouble respecting his boundaries. But James didn’t. James was kind, and respectful, and Barty had no reason to worry.

 

Regulus took a deep breath before saying, “James Potter.”

 

He could see anger flash through Barty’s eyes as the other man moved to stand up. 

 

“Barty, no,” Evan muttered, pulling Barty gently back into his seat.

 

“What the fuck were you thinking, Regulus?” Barty asked angrily. “That asshole- you hate him! You always have! Did he force you? Did he take advantage of you-”

 

“No,” Regulus said coldly, moving forward. “Barty, stop. He was kind, and respectful, and all he did was kiss me goodnight.”

 

“He kissed you?” Barty asked, sounding horrified. “Did you give him consent-”

 

“For fucks sake, Barty, I kissed him first!”

 

The room was met with a sudden silence. Regulus finally was able to breathe. Barty looked shocked, but the tight, enraged expression slowly faded from his face. Suddenly, Barty stood up, hugging Regulus tightly.

 

“You couldn’t have just told me that?” Barty asked, crying slightly. Regulus chuckled, patting his friend on the back.

 

“I still don’t know how I feel about it,” Regulus said, leaning into Barty’s shoulder. “I should hate him, right? I was supposed to hate him. I did hate him.”

 

Dorcas placed a hand on Regulus’s shoulder. “You don’t have to know what to feel. If you like him, you like him. If you hate him, then he can fuck off out of your life.” Dorcas cracked him a smile. “Hell, we’ll make him fuck off, if that’s what you want.” Regulus shook his head.

 

“The weird thing is that I don’t want him to leave. That’s weird right?” Regulus said, chuckling a little sadly. Pandora shook her head.

 

“I don’t think it’s weird. I thought this would happen,” Pandora said with a daydreamy smile. “That’s why I wanted you to sit next to him on the plane.”

 

Regulus turned to her. “What?”

 

Pandora cocked her head to the side, staring at him with those startling blue eyes. “He seemed nice. I thought you’d like him.”

 

Regulus looked at her questioningly. “You thought I’d like the man that I constantly tell you about hating. Because you thought he seemed nice.” She nodded sweetly.

 

“Well I wasn’t wrong, was I? You two are a good match,” she said, smiling. Regulus chuckled.

 

“I wouldn’t say that,” Regulus said. “We’re absolute shit together. I’m a mess around him.”

 

Evan grinned. “Aw, cute. Everyone, our little Reggie has a crush on James Potter!”

 

Regulus glared at him. “Shut up, Evan.” Evan just chuckled.

 

“So,” Dorcas said. “Are you and James dating now?”

 

Regulus shrugged. “I guess. I don’t know. I think so?”

 

Barty looked at him, with a somewhat joking expression. “If he hurts you, can I kill him?” Regulus shook his head.

 

“He wouldn’t hurt me. He’s not the type.”

 

“But what if he does?”

 

“He won’t.”

 

“But what if he-”

 

“ Barty. ”

 

Barty chuckled as Evan chucked a pillow at his head, evidently trying to end the conversation. Maybe it was for Regulus’s sake, avoiding the protective best friend routine, at least for the moment.

 

Dorcas cleared her throat. “So, um, I hate to break the emotional moment, but we have a rehearsal to get to.”

 

Evan turned to her and nodded. “Right. Um, Reg, you want Barty and I to stay here and help you get ready? Cas, Panda, you two can head to rehearsal.”

 

“No, no,” Regulus said. “You guys can head to rehearsal. I’ll be ready in ten minutes.”

 

Evan nodded. “Yeah, okay, Reg. You actually have to hurry though. The Marauders’ agent is getting pissed at you for being late all the time.”

 

Regulus nodded before receiving hugs from both Barty and Pandora, who kissed Regulus on the cheek. Evan just waved goodbye, and Dorcas clapped him on the back, saying a happy goodbye before they left together.

Regulus liked to perform. He had liked it all his life. He liked being looked at with awe, and respect. If he had a psychologist, they would probably tell him that it was a reaction to his parents’ lack of affection towards him. To him, it wasn’t important what caused it. Nothing would change the joy it brought him to stand on a stage and sing his heart out.

 

Regulus stood just off stage, breathing deeply. The venue was thankfully warm enough for him to get away with the fishnet top and painted on leggings he had chosen out. Diamonds of his skin were visible through the netting, and his tattoos were on display. He rubbed at the flowers tattooed onto his left shoulder. Two Narcissus flowers, intertwined by the stem, one filled in with black ink, the other just an outline.

 

“Hey, Cissa,” he whispered into the void. He often did this before concerts, as though reaching out for help. Narcissa had been his favorite cousin his whole childhood. She was there at his first performance, and even though he never wanted to see her again, it made him feel comforted to think she was still there with him. “I miss you, y’know. Watch over me. Let this go well.” Regulus paused for a moment, breathing in deeply, before whispering, “Thank you.”

 

Regulus suddenly dropped his hand from his shoulder, hearing his cue. He plastered on a rockstar smile, walking out onto the stage. 

 

“Hello, Ontario!” He yelled, followed by his friends. He watched out of the corner of his eye as Barty picked up his guitar. “The Marauders will be here in a couple minutes, but for now, we are Serpentine!”

 

“ When we were young we were the ones

The kings and queens oh yeah, we ruled the world

We smoked cigarettes, man, no regrets

Wish I could relive every single word”

 

Regulus walked to Barty’s side as he sang, bumping shoulders with his best friend. Pandora was smiling softly. This was her favorite song, just for the emotion and love in the words.

 

“We've taken different paths

And traveled different roads

I know we'll always end up on the same one when we're old

And when you're in the trenches

And you're under fire I will cover you”

 

Regulus looked out at the audience, singing with all the emotion and affection he could muster. Evan and Barty, they were his world, his safety, the only thing he could count on. When his mother got angry, or his father got drunk, they were his safety, his lifeline. And when Regulus was disowned, Evan opened his door to him. Barty would’ve done the same if he could’ve. He knew that.

 

“If I was dying on my knees

You would be the one to rescue me

And if you were drowned at sea

I'd give you my lungs so you could breathe”

 

Regulus pressed two fingers to the tattoo of the snake, curling around his right shoulder. His fingers found the spot where all his bandmates’ initials were hidden in the ink. He had gotten it two weeks after he left home. They weren’t the first in the pattern, but they were the first that he had been proud to show.

 

“I've got you brother-er-er-er

I've got you brother-er-er-er

I've got you brother-er-er-er

I've got you brother-er-er-er”

 

Regulus smiled at Barty, removing his fingers from the tattoo to bump shoulders with Barty.

 

“Oh brother, we'll go deeper than the ink

Beneath the skin of our tattoos

Though we don't share the same blood

You're my brother and I love you that's the truth

 

We're living different lives

Heaven only knows

If we'll make it back with all our fingers and our toes

Five years, twenty years, come back

It will always be the same”

 

Barty leaned into the microphone to sing the second chorus with him.

 

“If I was dying on my knees

You would be the one to rescue me

And if you were drowned at sea

I'd give you my lungs so you could breathe

 

I've got you brother-er-er-er

I've got you brother-er-er-er”

 

Regulus grinned as he pulled away from the microphone, letting Barty sing this line on his own. His voice was deeper than Regulus’s, though not by much, as he belted out into the crowd.

 

“And if we hit on troubled water

I'll be the one to keep you warm and safe”

 

Regulus leaned in for the second part of the bridge to sing with Barty.

 

“And we'll be carrying each other

Until we say goodbye on our dying day”

 

Barty made eye contact with him, grinning as they sang the last few lines of the song, together.

 

“Because I've got you brother-er-er-er

I've got you brother-er-er-er

I've got you brother-er-er-er

I've got you brother-er-er-er

 

If I was dying on my knees

You would be the one to rescue me

And if you were drowned at sea

I'd give you my lungs so you could breathe

 

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

I've got you brother-er-er-er

I've got you brother-er-er-er”

 

Regulus breathed out, grinning, as he was met with roaring applause from the audience. He hugged Barty quickly, before walking into the middle of the stage. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw James watching him, awestruck. Regulus grinned.

 

“Thank you, Ontario! We appreciate it!” Regulus said into the mic, raising a hand to wave out at the audience. “We’ve got a couple more songs before the Marauders come out, so sit tight, and enjoy the music!”

 

After they ran through the last few songs on their list for the night, Serpentine walked off stage, waving happily at the audience. Regulus bumped into James’s shoulder with a smirk as he walked into the side of the stage. 

 

“Good luck,” he whispered, as he walked further from the stage. James glanced at him, smiling warmly before walking onto the stage, grinning.

 

Regulus stayed for the show this time. He watched his brother sing, and he watched James sing, and he watched how they engaged with the audience. They were good. They were really, really good. He hadn’t expected that. James’s hands danced over the strings of his bright red guitar, and he looked beautiful, show lights shining onto brown skin. Sweat formed on his brow, glistening on his skin as he grinned. The show was long, two or three hours, and James never stopped grinning throughout it.

 

Once the show ended, and the Marauders were met with their final round of applause from their audience, James walked towards him, off the stage. He ran a hand through his messy, jet-black hair with a grin. 

 

“Hey, love,” James murmured, wrapping a hand around his waist. “Like the show?”

 

Regulus smirked. “It was good, I guess. You were lovely.”

 

James beamed. “So were you. Absolutely gorgeous. Did you know how beautiful you look when you sing?”

 

Regulus felt his cheeks flush. “Trust me, I know, but maybe you should remind me more often.”

 

James chuckled. Regulus only smiled and kissed him softly on the lips.

 

“My room?” Regulus asked, leaned in close to James. He could feel his breath on his face.

 

“Sure, love,” James said softly. Regulus smiled and took his hand, gently tugging him out of the venue.

Notes:

Song: Brother by Kodaline (If this isn't Barty and Regulus being besties, then fucking kill me because I am dying on this hill)

I adore Regulus's friendships and I really want to highlight them because OH MY GOD I LOVE HIM AND BARTY IN THIS CHAPTER SO MUCH!!!! Barty and Evan are his support. Like, if James is his sun (and he is), Barty and Evan would be his moons, orbiting around him, and I will probably write something like this later in the fic if I haven't already and just forgot. They're so precious<3333 Also their groupchat is literally my favorite thing ever. Barty absolutely made his own contact name.

I hope you enjoyed <333

Chapter 9: Selfishly Gentle

Notes:

Exams are over and life is good!!! Writing has actually been so awesome this week and I got two chapters prewritten!!!! If I can keep up the steamroller of inspiration, I might update twice next week, but idk.

TW: Regulus has a bit of touch aversion, and it freaks him out a bit at the beginning, and they discuss boundaries about it.

James didn’t know exactly what Regulus wanted in his room. He was hoping for something… intimate, of course, but he wouldn’t push it. He would never push it. If Regulus only wanted to talk to him and ask him to leave, he would talk and go. If Regulus wanted something sweet, James would give him that. If he really did want something intimate, James would, happily, give him that. 

 

Regulus seemed to be leaning more towards the latter, kissing James roughly as soon as he closed the door. James grinned into the kiss, placing his hands on Regulus’s hips, his thumbs playing with the hem of his fishnet top. He could feel the warmth of porcelain skin beneath his fingertips.

 

“You’re beautiful,” James mumbled breathlessly as Regulus pulled away, grinning.

 

“Glad you think so,” Regulus grinned, his face flushed. He was so beautiful with his reddened cheeks and shining grin, and that beautiful light in his blueish-silvery eyes. “For what it’s worth, you are too.”

 

James felt a grin spread across his face. “It’s worth a lot, to me at least.” James felt his cheeks warm. He leaned in, kissing Regulus. His grip tightened on Regulus’s waist, lifting him up, bridal style.

 

“Hey!” Regulus laughed, but he still wrapped his arms around James’s neck. Regulus leaned in, nuzzling into his neck. James could feel his breath on his skin. James gently set him down on the bed, kissing him softly. He slipped his hand under the fishnet top, feeling the expanse of pale, soft skin under his palm. Regulus’s smile dropped, but he didn’t say anything. James paused.

 

“Hey,” he said, pulling away. “Are… Are you alright? Do you want to stop? I can leave.” James pulled his hand out from under the top. Regulus grabbed his wrist.

 

“Stop,” Regulus said. “But don’t leave. Please.” James nodded.

 

“Yeah. Yeah, okay,” James said, giving him a reassuring smile. He sat down next to Regulus on the bed. “Are you okay?”

 

Regulus nodded. “Yeah. Just a bit… insecure, I guess? I don’t know. I don’t necessarily feel… unattractive. Just nervous, I suppose. Not ready, maybe?” Regulus sighed. “I’m sorry.”

 

James shook his head vehemently. “No. Don’t be sorry. You had a boundary, and you shared it. That’s good , Regulus.” James smiled at him. “If I ever cross a line, just let me know. I want nothing more than for you to be comfortable and happy.”

 

Regulus gave him a weak smile. “I promise that it’s not you. You… you’re lovely. Amazing, really. I’m just… weird. I don’t know. I’m just weird about physical touch sometimes.”

 

James nodded understandingly. “Do you have a limit for touch that you’re okay with? With me, I mean.”

 

Regulus looked pensive for a moment before he responded. “I’m okay with kissing, and hugging, and holding hands. And, um, you can look at my body. I don’t have problems with that. Just… don’t touch.”

 

James smiled and nodded. “Right. Thank you. For being open about this.” Regulus leaned into his side. James kissed the top of his head.

 

“Why are you so nice to me?” Regulus asked. It didn’t sound negative, or interrogating. Just a question, a bit of curiosity.

 

“You’re interesting, Regulus. You shine so bright, and yet I know so little about you. Is it really that odd that I might want to learn more? Or that I may like what I have already found?” James said, running gentle fingers through his hair. Regulus leaned into the touch. “This okay?”

 

“Mhm.”

 

James gazed at him affectionately. He was so lovely, looking up at James with an adorable little smile. James pressed a kiss to his forehead. There was something so bright about him, so warm in his smile, his expression. James really, really liked him. 

 

James’s eyes felt drawn to the tattoos all over Regulus’s body. They were all in black ink, standing out against the white of Regulus’s skin. There were small symbols tattooed across his torso, and bigger, more detailed ones on his arms. James couldn’t help wondering what they symbolized. They were so beautiful, so striking, and they only seemed to make Regulus shine brighter.

 

“I can see you want to ask something,” Regulus said suddenly, staring up at him. “Go ahead, James. You can ask me anything.”

 

James smiled. “Sorry, love. I was staring, wasn’t I?” Regulus nodded. “I didn’t mean to.”

 

“It’s fine, Jamie,” Regulus said sweetly. James melted a bit at the nickname. “Just ask me.”

 

James kissed him on the top of his head. “I was just wondering about your tattoos.”

 

“Oh,” Regulus said, shifting a bit. He moved a stray curl out of his face. “I have one for everyone I’ve loved. Or lost,” Regulus said, shifting to display the expansive variety of ink ingrained in his strikingly pale skin.

 

“What are these ones?” James asked curiously, rubbing his thumb against two matching marks on Regulus’s shoulder, one of a black star, the other of the Leo constellation, drawn into the soft skin of Regulus’s shoulder. They were lovely, though he only recognized the constellation from Sirius’s ramblings about astronomy.

 

Regulus glanced down, staring a little bit sadly at the floor. “My brother,” he whispered.

 

“Which one?”

 

Regulus frowned. “Just him.”

 

“Oh,” James said, a bit surprised. “Um, I’m sorry for your loss.”

 

Regulus sighed. “He’s not dead, James. I almost wish he was.”

 

James opened his mouth to grant consolation, but he closed it again. He didn’t really have anything to share, nothing worthwhile. He just opened his arms to Regulus, who leaned into James’s chest.

 

“Can I ask what happened? With your brother, I mean. I’m sorry if I’m overstepping,” James said softly. Regulus shook his head against James’s chest.

 

“It’s fine,” Regulus mumbled, his hands fisting at James’s shirt. “Remember on the plane, when I told you about how I got into music?” James nodded. “I grew up in a… high-class family. Really rich types. Fit the obnoxious, self-absorbed rich aristocrat stereotype perfectly . My older brother hated it. I tolerated it.” James nodded, listening respectfully. He didn’t want to interject. Maybe Regulus would feel okay, more comfortable if he shared. James hoped Regulus didn’t feel pressured. “My brother… he really hated the fancy, expensive life that we grew up in. It didn’t help that our mother was a bitch, and our dad was a negligent ass. He was the heir to the fortune, you know. Anyways, he was my best friend. Only person I trusted and cared about. Loved him, admired him, relied on him. Didn’t know what to do without him.”

 

James nodded. “Was that why you got the first tattoo?”

 

Regulus nodded. “Yeah. He thought that tattoos and piercings were the most badass things. When I was fourteen, he bought a stick and poke tattoo kit. He drank some cheap beer he bought with the little bit of money he’d scrounged up from the job he got working at some convenience store down the street. He didn’t need it, but he didn’t do it because he needed it. He did it to spite our mother. Anyways, he drank the beer, and offered to give me my first tattoo. I asked if he wanted his own and he just grinned, said he already had one. For some boy, probably.”

 

“A boy?” James blurted out. Regulus cracked a smile, let out a small chuckle.

 

“Yes, James. A boy. Apparently, rebellious homosexuality runs in our family,” Regulus joked, smiling slightly. James chuckled. “My mother would despise us.”

 

“So,” Regulus said after a moment. “He gave me that Leo constellation tattoo. Regulus is the heart of the lion, you know. He thought it’d be cool. That night I said I loved him for the last time. He didn’t say it back. The next year he left. Just gone one day. Left most of his stuff too. He never even said goodbye.”

 

James paused, taking a moment to collect his thoughts. “I’m… I’m sorry, Regulus. You didn’t deserve that. For what it’s worth, your brother seems like a real douchebag.”

 

Regulus chuckled bitterly. “Trust me, James. You do not mean that.”

 

James shook his head. “Yes, I do, Reg.” Regulus laughed.

 

“No, you don’t,” Regulus said, a sad smile on his face. “Honestly, James, does Sirius talk to you about anything?”

 

James froze. “What about Sirius?”

 

Regulus went pale, paler than usual. “Oh,” he said. “Did you… did you not know? Did he not tell you? Could you not tell?”

 

“Reg,” James murmured, placing a gentle but firm hand on Regulus’s shoulder. “What are you talking about?”

 

Regulus laughed a little maniacally. “Sirius is my brother, James. God, I can’t believe he never told you.”

 

James didn’t say anything. He could see it, sort of. They had the same pale skin, the same blue-gray eyes, though the light in them was different. They had similar builds, Sirius’s a bit more muscular. And it made sense, really. James knew better than anyone how awful Sirius’s home was. Everything sort of clicked.

 

“Oh,” James said, a little choked. Regulus seemed to calm, his expression flickering into concern.

 

“Hey,” Regulus said, cupping James’s cheek. “Are you okay? I’m sorry, that was kind of a big bomb to drop, wasn’t it.”

 

James nodded. “Yeah, but it’s fine.”

 

Regulus looked down sadly, like he was mourning something that hadn’t even gotten a chance to die. “Do you… do you still want to go out with me? I understand if you’re not comfortable going out with your best friend’s estranged little brother.”

 

James shook his head. “This… this is a little weird for me.” Regulus everted eye contact, looking sad, rejected. “But this doesn’t change anything for me. You’re not just Sirius’s little brother. You’re Regulus, and I like Regulus. A lot. “

 

Regulus smiled and laughed, leaning into James, clinging onto him. “You… you’re so stupid. And incredible. You’re so amazing. What did I do to deserve you?”

 

James kissed the top of his head, pulling Regulus even closer. “You didn’t have to do anything. You’re just incredible, and you deserve the world.”

 

Regulus smiled, leaning up to kiss his cheek before throwing his leg over James, straddling his hips, and sitting down in his lap.

 

“I never get to be selfish,” Regulus said, his hands pressed into the mattress behind James to keep himself stable. “I never did. Everything I did, I did for someone else’s benefit.”

 

“But you?” Regulus cupped his cheek, his hand soft and warm against James’s face. “Oh, I can already tell, I’m going to be selfish about you.”

 

James grinned, his cheeks warm. He couldn’t help himself, leaning in to press a soft kiss to Regulus’s lips.

 

It wasn’t a long kiss, nor was it a powerful one, but it didn’t need to be. It was simply them existing in each other’s space, them being affectionate, them wanting it. And wasn’t that lovely, to simply be two people, kissing, just because they both wanted it? James lingered there for only a moment, before pulling away to look at Regulus, all flushed cheeks, and blown pupils, and pink parted lips. He sat completely still, not even breathing.

 

“You’re so beautiful, so incredible,” James murmured, carding his fingers through soft ebony curls. Regulus looked so delicate like this, so fragile as he exhaled, leaning forward to gently rest his forehead against James’s.

 

“You’re wonderful,” he mumbled. James could feel his warm breath on his face as he grinned.

 

“Could I… Could I please do that again?” James asked sweetly.

 

“You don’t even have to ask,” Regulus replied warmly, leaning in.

 

This kiss was longer, but just as soft, just as delicate. James held onto his waist, keeping him close, even when Regulus pulled away, leaning against his chest.

 

“You’re so warm,” Regulus mumbled. James wasn’t entirely sure he meant to say it aloud, so he didn’t respond. 

 

James stayed with Regulus, cuddling, kissing, mumbling sweet nothings to him until they fell asleep together, in Regulus’s bed. 

 

It was sweet. 

 

It was soft.

 

It was warm.

 

And James had never felt more content.

Notes:

So... this chapter was the one I had the most written for before writing the actual chapter. The tattoo dialogue and the selfishness dialogue are both slightly altered versions of dialogues I wrote before starting the fic. The tattoo dialogue was the one that got me to write it in the first place!!

Also, boundaries!!!! Respectfulness!!!! Fluff and backstory!!!! The first of many James POV's!!!! AHSDKLRDFCNLFD I love them so much.

Also, I realize that the black brothers are kind of a mess right now... they will get better. Eventually. I promise.

I hope you enjoyed<333

Chapter 10: We Have Each Other

Summary:

Wolfstar<333

Notes:

Wolfstar my loves<333 They won't be super big to the story but I love them anyways. Also, posting this on a charter bus with my lovely best friend GayHorrorFan. He says hi

Remus was an awful friend. He was aware that it was a mistake to fall in love with Sirius, but it wasn’t really something he could help. He had realized that he was in love a year after Sirius ran away, when their music started catching on. Maybe it was something about the way he looked, performing on a stage, colored lights shining down on him as he sang with all his soul, because he always did. He performed with everything he had, and then some.

 

Remus wasn’t stupid. He knew that Sirius felt something , but he wasn’t sure what something really was. Remus wasn’t willing to take the risk. He would rather die than lose Sirius, both as the friend that had always been there for him, and the long pined after crush that he didn’t know how to lose. 

 

“Moons!” Sirius shouted from across the stage. He had red rhinestone covered sunglasses perched on top of his head. His long black hair was in a braid down his back. “Come on!”

 

And of course, Remus went. He never could say no to Sirius. Besides, this was familiar. Packing up after a show, going back to Sirius’s, or to the studio to gorge themselves on pizza (large pepperoni, at Sirius’s request), and ice cream (chocolate for Remus, and french vanilla for Sirius), while they watched a movie, or chatted and wrote new song, drunk on whatever they could get their hands on. Usually either vodka or beer, and once in a while, wine. 

 

So Remus left with Sirius. He sat in the taxi as Sirius asked the driver to take them to the studio. He listened as Sirius sang along to Bohemian Rhapsody playing over the radio, too high off performing to care that he was belting to the poor taxi driver. He got out at the studio with Sirius, and rode the elevator up twenty stories as Sirius hummed absentmindedly to the elevator music. 

 

“Come on, Remus,” Sirius said, grinning, as he pulled Remus along by his wrist into the studio. “I got pizza and ice cream. And vodka. Shots?” He wasn’t really asking, Remus knew that. Sirius wanted to do shots, so they would do shots. Remus simply chuckled as Sirius pulled him along.

 

“Want to play something, Moony?” Sirius asked, eyeing Remus’s drum set with awe. Sirius had a bit of a fascination with watching Remus play. Remus was always happy to indulge him and his interest, playing whatever Sirius picked out for the night.

 

“Only if you can accompany me,” Remus said, that warm smile that Sirius always brought out spread across his face.

 

Sirius grinned. “Guitar or voice?”

 

“Both. No compromises.”

 

Sirius bit his lip before responding, “Deal.”

 

Remus chuckled, pulling his hand free from Sirius’s grip to go sit behind his drum set. He picked up his sticks, flipping one in the air and catching it before looking at Sirius.

 

“What song do you want to do?”

 

Sirius hummed a few notes to a song Remus had never heard before he replied. “Moonage Daydream.”

 

Remus raised an eyebrow. “Bowie? Again?” It wasn’t uncommon for Sirius to request Bowie. Remus would always do it, no matter the song.

 

Sirius grinned. “Moonage Daydream with my Moony. I think it’s perfect.” Remus deliberately ignored the warmth that crawled up his neck at the words. ‘My Moony’ . Sirius would never know how his Remus really was.

 

Remus chuckled. “Sure, Pads.” He waited for Sirius to pick up a guitar. It was gold with red accents, Sirius’s personal favorite. He never used it in concert, but off stage, it was the only guitar he ever touched. “Want me to count us off?” Sirius nodded.

 

“ One, two, one, two, three, four ,” Remus counted, hitting his sticks together. He hit his cymbals as Sirius strummed the first two notes.

 

“I’m an alligator,” Sirius sang, followed by a repeat of the first two notes. “ I'm a mama-papa comin' for you”

 

“I'm the space invader

I'll be a rock 'n' rollin' bitch for you

Keep your mouth shut”

 

Sirius looked at him, grinning as he stepped closer, still playing.

 

“You're squawking like a pink monkey bird

And I'm bustin' up my brains for the words”

 

Remus knew how much he adored this line, adored the gibberish of the lyrics, adored the way the notes sounded in his voice.

 

Sirius leaned over, giving Remus a smirk that was probably meant to be humorous, but that didn’t stop the thick gulp that Remus took, the butterflies in his stomach flying chaotically.

 

“Keep your 'lectric eye on me, babe

Put your ray gun to my head

Press your space face close to mine, love

Freak out in a moonage daydream, oh yeah!”

 

Sirius loved the next verse, the seductiveness of it. Remus despised it, if only for the way he knew Sirius would perform it with his full being, much to the dismay of Remus’s undefeated crush.

 

“Don't fake it baby, lay the real thing on me

The church of man, love

Is such a holy place to be

Make me baby, make me know you really care

Make me jump into the air”

 

Sirius always accented the last two lines, glancing down at where Remus sat, still playing, hitting his set violently. That smirk was chaotic, almost scary, but Remus loved it. He loved it so much that it hurt.

 

“Keep your 'lectric eye on me, babe

Put your ray gun to my head

Press your space face close to mine, love

Freak out in a moonage daydream, oh yeah!”

 

Sirius played through the guitar solo, grinning, as Remus aggressively hit his drums, trying to drown out the pounding of his heart. Sirius threw his hair back as he played, his braid coming loose. Remus would probably end up brushing out his hair later.

 

“Keep your 'lectric eye on me, babe

Put your ray gun to my head

Press your space face close to mine, love

Freak out in a moonage daydream, oh yeah!

 

Keep your 'lectric eye on me, babe

Put your ray gun to my head

Press your space face close to mine, love

Freak out in a moonage daydream, oh yeah!”

 

Sirius smirked at Remus as he played the outro, murmuring the last few words of the song.

 

“ Freak out, far out, in out.”

 

After Sirius finished the song, he set down his guitar, walking over to Remus who did one last crash on his cymbals. He set down his sticks on top of his snare before looking up at Sirius. 

 

“How’d we do?” Remus asked, smiling. Sirius grinned, leaning over the drumset, the pins on his black leather jacket shining.

 

“Perfect. Thanks, Moons,” Sirius smiled, reaching a hand behind him to pull out his braid. “Want to crack open the vodka? The ice cream?”

 

“Sure,” Remus said, standing up. “Come on, on the floor. You can pour some shots while I do your hair.” Sirius smiled and nodded, jumping off the platform they played on. He ran off for a minute, before returning with a bottle of vodka and two glasses. He sat down on his knees in front of the platform. Remus sat on the edge, running his fingers through smooth black hair.

 

“Straight?” Sirius asked, mumbled, as he poured vodka into one of the glasses. Remus just hummed in confirmation as he gently loosened the knots in Sirius’s hair. Remus gently separated his hair into sections, folding them over each other into a loose braid. Sirius’s hair was soft on his hands, silky and mostly straight. Remus had always liked his hair, thought it was pretty.

 

“Moony,” Sirius said, turning his head to gaze at Remus with soft blue-gray eyes, like rain clouds, peaceful and serene, but chaotic and powerful. His eyes were so beautiful. “Sit with me. I poured you a drink.”

 

Remus smiled, slipping down to sit on the floor next to him. He was overly aware of the proximity of their hands, the just barely there touch of a pinky as he picked up his glass. He took a small sip, eyeing Sirius who downed the entire glass.

 

“Fuck, that’s good,” Sirius grinned, pouring another glass. Remus finished the rest of his.

 

They drank one glass after another, until they were both drunken, blabbering messes on the floor, sharing a pint of chocolate ice cream. Sirius was draped over Remus, his head leaning back on his shoulder as his hair slipped off. 

 

“-And, you’re my best friend, Moons,” Sirius slurred, grinning. He was so pretty, so lovely, his cheeks flushed from the alcohol. “Like, I love you. So much. You’re the best.”

 

Remus smiled. “I love you too, Pads. You’re my favorite person in the world. Even though you’re such a dumbass sometimes.”

 

Sirius laughed, his head falling from Remus’s shoulder to his lap, where he weakly attempted to steal the ice cream from Remus’s hands. “I’m such a dumbass sometimes. I don’t even know why you deal with me.” It may have been sad if it wasn’t overrun with drunken giggling, and failed attempts at snatching away the ice cream.

 

“‘S because I love you, Sirius,” Remus said, smiling dazedly. The lights in the studio were so pretty. They made Sirius look so pretty, his hair spread out across Remus’s lap. “I love you so much it hurts sometimes.”

 

Sirius grinned at him. “I love you too, Moony. You- you’re so pretty tonight.”

 

The mixture of butterflies and the burn of alcohol was intoxicating. Remus just laughed, rocking from side to side. He heard as one of their glasses toppled over behind him.

 

“You’re pretty too, Pads. Always so pretty. Fucking masterpiece. So beautiful,” Remus mumbled, running shaky fingers through Sirius’s hair. He picked up a strand, twisting it around his finger.

 

Sirius hummed appreciatively, closing his eyes peacefully, giggling sweetly. He was so pretty, so cute, so sweet. Remus loved him so much. “You should tell me that more often. Tell me again, Moony?”

 

Remus smiled, kissing Sirius on the forehead. “You’re pretty. The prettiest.”

 

Sirius giggled, pulling Remus down to kiss him softly. It was clumsy, but gentle and sweet. Sirius tasted like vodka and chocolate ice cream. Remus pulled away softly, smiling stupidly.

 

“That was stupid. I love you,” Remus said, giggling. He could feel the blush on his face.

 

“I love you too,” Sirius said sweetly, smiling adorably. “Can we do that again?”

 

Remus shook his head. “No. We shouldn’t. The press will have our asses for it. Minnie will have our asses for it.” Sirius pouted at him, and there went all Remus’s self control. Remus leaned down and kissed him again, soft and sweet.

 

“You’re so pretty. I love you,” Sirius mumbled sweetly. “Can we date? Please? Can we do this more?”

 

“Okay, Sirius,” Remus mumbled. After all, he never could say no to Sirius. “I’m sorry, Pads. I don’t want to hide you. I love you so, so much.”

 

“I don’t want to hide either, Moony. I just want to be with you,” Sirius said sweetly, with sad eyes. “I promise, Moony. I’ll take anything, as long as I have you.”

 

“As long as we have each other,” Remus mumbled, his face still close to Sirius’s. “I promise, Pads. I love you.”

 

“I love you too, my Moony. I love you too.” And they kissed again. And again. And again.

Notes:

Song: Moonage Daydream by David Bowie (Is there ay better song for a wolfstar chapter?)

So. Wolfstar. Yes. I love them<3333333333333 This is such a non-plotty chapter, but I'm double posting today so whatever.

Hope you enjoyed xoxo

Chapter 11: The Wreckage

Summary:

"It's not that bad"-Me
"When you say it's not that bad, it's the worst thing ever!" -GayHorrorFan

Notes:

I SWEAR IT'S NOT AS BAD AS THE TITLE SOUNDS.

CW: Nightmare (Reggie's not okay), Blood (But not like, real blood. I swear this makes sense), Regulus's abandonment issues and inferiority complex

Regulus couldn’t breathe. His lungs felt full of water. No, not water. It was too thick, cold and slimy in his lungs. He felt cold and grimy, his eyes wide as he gasped breathlessly for air. He felt submerged, covered, coated. He could see a person standing above him, blurred by the ripples of whatever this liquid covering him was. It was clear, like water, but it blurred everything above it. The figure was tall, with a dark bun tied thigh above its head.

 

“ You are a useless child ,” the figure said in a cold, sharp voice. He could feel wounds opening all over his body, blood flowing out into the liquid. “ You always have been. Sirius was always more special, more important. You have always been secondary. ”

 

The figure reached in, and Regulus flinched away. The hand had sharp red nails that Regulus knew so familiarly never reached him, the water rippling and flickering as the figure changed. This figure was taller, broader, long dark hair falling around its shoulders.

 

“ A burden to me, that’s what you are. I should’ve left earlier, but I had to take care of and protect this clingy little baby, ” the figure said mockingly. It laughed sharply, running a hand through its hair. “ I never felt happier than the day I left you. And I’ve never felt more free than when I was away from you, always trying to be me. The inferior me. ”

 

The figure reached in, nails now short, black painted. Regulus didn’t flinch away this time. He wasn’t as scared of this one. The nails grazed his throat, lightly, but blood poured out, the water turning red around him. Tears filled his eyes as he choked. Crimson and water filled his lungs as he gasped and choked, and the figure flickered again, this time tall and brown-skinned, different from the paleness of the previous figures. There was a wide grin across its face, colder than it ever should’ve been. There were brown eyes, rippled through gold framed glasses. Regulus sobbed, his tears mixing with the red stained liquid.

 

“ I pity you ,” The figure said, laughing mockingly. “ I pity the broken little man that you are. I’m only here because you were intriguing . But hell, I’m already getting bored of you and your constant whining, and problems that have nothing to do with me. Why should I stay? You’re so useless and broken, so messed up, you’re only going to hurt me. You’re going to leave me just as broken as you are. God, Sirius was right to leave you. Maybe I’ll follow in his footsteps soon. After all, why would I want to stay with someone like you? ”

 

The figure reached in, wrapping large brown hands around his throat. Regulus shook as the figure leaned in, James’s face in the water, soaked with Regulus’s blood. Regulus choked and drowned as James smiled coldly, before his face fell to a bored expression.

 

“ I despise you, Regulus ,” Figure-James said, bored as he squeezed tighter. Regulus reached up a shaky hand to cup James’s cheek as he cried, unable to breathe. Figure-James disappeared as Regulus’s hand touched his cheek, leaving Regulus alone, drowning in the thick red-stained liquid.

 

Regulus sat up in bed, gasping for air, his hands pressed lightly to his throat. He could feel tear tracks on his cheeks. He looked over to see James roll over, groaning. He was here, in Regulus’s hotel room bed. His glasses were on the nightstand. His arm was draped over Regulus’s thighs. Regulus could hear his heart racing in his ears. 

 

“Regulus, baby,” James groaned, his eyes still shut tight as he cuddled up to Regulus’s side. “What’s wrong?”

 

Regulus put a gentle hand on James’s head, his fingers playing with messy strands of James’s hair. “Nothing. Just a nightmare.”

 

James groggily opened his eyes. “Want to talk about it, love?” Regulus paused.

 

“Are you sure, James?” Regulus asked, playing with James’s hair. It was soft, and it made him feel calmer. “If you want, you can go back to sleep.”

 

“No, no,” James said, sitting up. Regulus leaned into his side. “Tell me about it.”

 

Regulus sighed, closing his eyes softly. “My mother was in it.”

 

James’s eyes shot open wide. “Oh. Shit.”

 

Regulus laughed. “Yeah. Pretty much. Has Sirius told you much about her?”

 

James nodded. “Yeah. I hate her. A lot. Was it a trauma dream? Like a bad memory? I know Sirius has those sometimes.” Regulus shook his head.

 

“No. Not this time. She was just there, saying the same kind of shit she always did. About how I’m not good enough. About how I was a secondary child. Sirius’s replacement.” He left out the parts where Sirius appeared, talking about how happy he was that he left, or when James appeared to say how he’d leave. Regulus wasn’t entirely sure he wouldn’t, though he knew that James was far too sweet for that.

 

“Anything else?” James asked, wrapping an arm around Regulus. Regulus stared down at the crumpled sheets under them.

 

“I was drowning,” Regulus said softly. “It wasn’t quite water, too thick, and slimy. And I was bleeding, the liquid turning red around me. And I cried. I choked on the liquid, and my blood, and tears. I couldn’t breathe.” He was crying again, tears slipping down his cheeks.

 

“Hey, baby,” James said, pulling Regulus into his chest. Regulus sniffled. “It’s okay, Regulus. It was just a dream. You’re okay, I promise.”

 

“I know, James,” Regulus whispered. “It just felt so real.”

 

James let Regulus cry into his chest. James held him tight and close, mumbling about how it was okay, and Regulus could hear Figure-James talking, all the cruel things he said. That wasn’t this James, who was holding him close, kissing the top of his head. Regulus had to remind himself of that.

 

“Regulus, love, it’s early,” James said, stroking his hair. “How about you get a bit more sleep? Then we can spend our last day here, exploring. Together.”

 

Regulus nodded, sniffling. James held him as he cried himself to sleep. He didn’t dream this time.

 

The sun had actually risen when Regulus awoke again, to the sound of the shower running. Regulus groaned, sitting up in the bed. He looked over to the bathroom, golden light spilling out from under the door. He sat quietly until he heard the shower stop, and after a few minutes James came out, wearing a tight red t-shirt, and gray joggers. Hot, humid air poured out of the bathroom.

 

“Good morning, love,” James said, grinning. He wasn’t wearing his glasses. He looked beautiful.

 

“Morning,” Regulus yawned. “You’re still here?”

 

“Told you I’d wake you up, didn’t I?” James said, rubbing his hair with a towel. When he pulled it off, his hair was still dripping.

 

Regulus grinned. “I didn’t think you actually would. And you didn’t. Not really. It was the damn shower.”

 

James laughed. “Sure, love. I did have to go to my room for a bit to get some clean clothes though.”

 

Regulus pouted. “Aw. And here I was, thinking you had been a gentleman and stayed with me all night.”

 

James chuckled. “I was only gone for ten minutes, Reg.”

 

“Ten minutes too long,” Regulus said. James laughed. He sat down on the edge of the bed and kissed Regulus sweetly.

 

“Does that make up for it?”

 

Regulus smirked. “It’s a start.”

 

James smiled, kissing him again. “What do you want for breakfast?”

 

Regulus grinned. “Really treating me, huh?”

 

James kissed his cheek. “You should really start taking my word on things. I told you, love, we’re spending our last day in Ontario together.”

 

Regulus smiled, cupping his cheek and kissing him.

 

“I don’t care what we have for breakfast. I just want to do it with you,” Regulus said softly, kissing James once more.

 

James really did intend on spending all day with him. After Regulus showered and got dressed in a black Ramones t-shirt and jeans, James called them a cab. They were just normal people now, going on a date in an unfamiliar city. It was kind of sweet. The cab took them to a cafe about twenty minutes away. It wasn’t a big place, but it seemed nice, cozy. 

 

“James!” said a short woman who greeted them at the front. She seemed relatively young, maybe twenty-five or so, but she had prominent smile lines. James opened his arms to hug her.

 

“Marie!” he responded, hugging her tightly. He pulled away, cleaning his throat as he put an arm around Regulus. “Reg, this is Marie. She’s an old friend of mine from school. We grew up near each other. And, Marie, this is um…” James paused. “This is Regulus. I’m taking him out today, and I figured I’d take him to the best cafe in the city.”

 

“Oh, you’re sweet, James,” Marie said, grinning. “And you’ve got good taste. He’s a cutie.” Regulus looked around uncomfortably.

 

“He really is,” James said fondly. Regulus felt his cheeks turn pink.

 

“James, can we go in?” Regulus said, tugging on James’s sleeve like a little kid.

 

“Oh, right!” Marie said, giddy. “Your booth is open, James. You know where it is. I can come take your order in five minutes?”

 

James smiled. “Sounds good, Marie.”

 

James led him inside the small cafe, to a little booth in the back. 

 

“Take a look at the menu, love,” James said as Regulus took a seat across from him. “I already know what I’m getting. I get the same thing every time.”

 

Regulus hummed and scanned the menu. No apple danishes, no blueberry muffins. He would have to pick something different this time. That thought made him uncomfortable. Regulus sat quietly, staring at the menu until Marie came by, holding a notepad.

 

“Let me guess, James. Salmon eggs benedict and a latte?” James nodded with a laugh. “And what about you… Regulus was your name?” Regulus nodded.

 

“Um… Black coffee and blueberry pancakes. Please.” Regulus supposed it was close enough to a blueberry muffin.

 

“Sure,” Marie said cheerfully, writing frantically on her notepad. “Coming right up.” She walked away cheerfully.

 

“Reg,” James said. “Is… Is something wrong? You’ve been quiet since we got here.”

 

Regulus nodded. “Yeah, I’m fine. I just… I’m not too great with new places. Or new people.” He shifted uncomfortably. “Um, can I ask you something a little… weird?”

 

“Regulus,” James said, reaching across the table to brush a curl out of his face. “You can ask me anything at all. I promise.”

 

“Did you- Were you and Marie…?” Regulus asked awkwardly. James chuckled.

 

“I promise I’m not laughing at you, love. But no, Marie and I were never together. They’re a lesbian. In fact, I was her anti-straight awakening,” James said, smiling softly. “We kissed in a game of spin the bottle, and they threw up on me.”

 

Regulus laughed. “I promise you’re not that bad at kissing.” James grinned.

 

“I would hope not. But they definitely thought I was,” James smiled.

 

Regulus looked at him curiously. “Marie uses she/they?”

 

James nodded. “Yep. I think you two would actually get along pretty well.”

 

“Why do you say that?”

 

James shrugged. “I think you two would have a lot in common. Similar attitudes, I suppose.”

 

Regulus stood up and sat down on James’s side of the booth, leaning into him. “I’m sorry I was being weird. I suppose I was just a bit self-conscious. Marie is friendly, and you’ve known them for longer. I guess I just don’t feel good enough, or nice enough.”

 

“Sweetheart, you’re plenty nice. Except for when you aren’t and, to be honest, I like it when you’re a little mean,” James said, wrapping an arm around him.

 

“You mean it?” Regulus asked sweetly, turning into James’s shoulder, pressing a soft kiss to it.

 

“Of course, baby,” James said, kissing the top of Regulus’s head.

 

They were quiet for a minute before Regulus spoke. “Y’know, I don’t usually eat big breakfasts. Usually I’ll just have coffee and either a blueberry muffin or an apple danish. I kind of only chose blueberry pancakes because it was the closest thing I saw to a blueberry muffin.”

 

James smiled. “Noted. Big breakfasts aren’t for you.” He stroked Regulus’s hair. “How about after breakfast, we go shopping? Buy you something nice.”

 

“You’re paying?”

 

“Of course, love.”

 

Regulus smiled. “Sure.” he leaned closer into James.

Notes:

This is a rough one. Regulus has issues. He will get better I promise. But also, MARIE MY LOVE I LOVE THEM SO MUCH SHE'S SO SWEET.

I love this chapter, but also brain blank no thoughts and posting this on a moving bus does not help. Thank you GayHorrorFan for simply being here and existing and chatting with me while I try to post (And distracting me >:() Seriously though, he's my best friend and I adore him

I hope you enjoyed xoxo

Chapter 12: I'll Give You All You Want

Summary:

Fluff, fluff, more fluff. Also a smidge of Sugar Daddy James, but whatever

Notes:

Hiiiiiiii... I'm so tired. Like actually, I'm so fucking exhausted. I'm in the process of writing three separate chapters, and I'm in the planning stages for like three different fics. I need sleep. But also, HAPPY PRIDE MONTH FELLOW QUEER PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

James was happy to spend money on Regulus, if he was completely honest. He had grown up with a good amount of money, ready to land in his pockets when he turned eighteen, so he had plenty to spend. And he wanted to. He wanted to spend money on Regulus.

 

After breakfast, James called them a cab, Regulus clinging adorably to his arm. He, of course, promised to visit Marie sometime, giving them a tight hug before he stepped into the cab, Regulus following him. 

 

James dragged Regulus happily through the mall to a nice store, something designer. James didn’t care all that much, but Regulus deserved something nice. Regulus stopped him at the entrance, running a nervous hand through his pretty black curls.

 

“James, isn’t this a bit… expensive?” Regulus asked, still holding onto James’s hand. “You’re sweet, and it’s nice that you want to buy things for me, but-”

 

“It’s fine, Reggie,” James said sweetly. He held back a chuckle at the flush on Regulus’s face at the nickname. Cute .

 

Regulus shook his head, his cheeks pink. “No, James, you don’t have to-”

 

“Regulus,” James said, pulling out a black card. “ It’s fine . I can afford it.”

 

Regulus stared at him, mouth agape. “How the hell do you qualify for that? You’re a fucking musician .”

 

James chuckled. “My dad owns a large pharmaceutical company. I work for them to make extra money. Y’know, since music doesn’t make all that much money.”

 

Regulus smirked. “So… you needed extra cash and resorted to nepotism.”

 

James grinned. “I suppose you could say that. It allows me to be lowkey though. I like it.”

 

Regulus shrugged. “Guess I can’t complain, since you’re buying stuff for me. I’m glad you’re happy, I suppose.” James smiled, raising Regulus’s hands to his lips, pressing a kiss to it.

 

“Go on, love. Try on whatever you like. I’ll buy whatever you want,” James said softly, slowly lowering Regulus’s hand. His cheeks were adorably red.

 

“I still feel weird about spending this much of your money,” Regulus said hesitantly as they walked in. The walls were black, words painted in white cursive. It wasn’t the type of place he usually went shopping, but hopefully Regulus could find something he liked.

 

“It’s fine, Reg. I promise,” James said, smiling. Regulus hummed, walking away to look at a line of cashmere sweaters.

 

Regulus turned away from the rack to look at James, smiling so sweetly. “James, what’s your favorite color?”

 

James cocked his head to the side, puzzled. “Red. Why?”

 

Regulus turned back to the rack, but James could feel his smirk. “Just want to buy something you like.”

 

James chuckled, his cheeks warming. He was almost glad that Regulus wasn’t looking at him. “How about we take this as a chance to get to know each other a bit more? We could just ask each other questions. For example, what’s your favorite color?”

 

Regulus grabbed at a soft looking sweater. “Green. Soft green, dark green, deep green, basically any green that’s not too bright.”

 

James smiled, filing that information away for later, hoping he wouldn’t forget it. “I’m asking another, okay?” Regulus hummed in confirmation. “Are you a coffee or tea person?”

 

Regulus grabbed something from the rack. He seemed to already have plenty of items piled on his arm. “Both. Depends on my mood, really. Always black though.”

 

James grinned. “Like your last name?”

 

James could almost hear Regulus rolling his eyes. “No, like my soul. Yes, like my name, James.” James just laughed.

 

“My turn to ask a question, right?” Regulus asked. James could see hints of a soft smile on his face as he nodded. “Um… do you have any siblings?”

 

James shook his head. “No. No cousins either.”

 

Regulus nodded affirmatively. “I had a brother. You know that. But I also had three cousins, all girls. I grew up spending a lot of time with them, especially my cousin, Narcissa. She was always my favorite. Sirius had his favorite too, her name is Andromeda. They were so alike, he followed in her footsteps and ran away.” Regulus laughed bitterly. James wanted to reach out and hug him. 

 

They were quiet for a minute before Regulus spoke again as they walked around, Regulus picking up items from the racks. “Ask another question, James.”

 

James nodded, gently taking some of the clothing items from Regulus’s hands. “What’s your favorite ice cream flavor?”

 

Regulus thought about it for a moment as he picked up a green blazer. “Depends on my mood. I like lemon a lot. Mint chocolate chip or coffee if you’re looking for a common one. My favorite is lavender though. I love lavender.”

 

James grinned. “Hm. Makes sense. You seem like you’d like lavender.”

 

Regulus smiled. “At Evan’s apartment, I have lemon shampoo and lavender body wash. They just smell nice.”

 

James cocked his head to the side. “‘Evan’s apartment’? Do you not have your own?”

 

Regulus shifted uncomfortably, swaying slightly. “I think I have enough clothes. I’m going to try them on. Mind waiting outside so I can show you.”

 

“No, yeah, of course, Reg.”

 

James could tell Regulus was avoiding answering. It didn’t necessarily bother him, but it was a bit of a nagging thought as he stood outside the changing room, hearing the shuffling of fabrics from through the door. It suddenly swung open, Regulus wearing a soft looking red sweater that hung off his shoulders. He had taken off the t-shirt he had been wearing, leaving his shoulders bare.

 

“What do you think?” Regulus asked, giving him a cute little spin. The sweater fell beautifully over his lithe frame, the red looking warm against the pale of his skin.

 

“Beautiful,” James mumbled. “Absolutely gorgeous.”

 

Regulus grinned. “Well, I suppose we’re buying this one. I hope you don’t mind, we’re going to be here for a bit.”

 

James smiled. “I don’t mind. I’m sure you’ll look gorgeous, no matter what.”

 

Regulus smiled, backing back into the changing room. The next time he emerged, he was in a light green long-sleeved shirt, open down to his navel. There were no buttons to close it up, leaving his bare skin on display. The sleeves flowed as he moved, spinning for James, who applauded excitedly.

 

That was the process of it, the routine. Regulus would come out wearing any number of garments, from a sheer black flowery top, to a simple black dress shirt with emerald colored thread, to a set of silk stockings that James thought were absolutely adorable. They had been there for almost three hours, and they hadn’t found a single item that Regulus didn’t want to buy. And James was so incredibly happy to indulge him. James was leaning on the wall, scrolling through the photos he had taken of Regulus in various gorgeous outfits, posing dramatically. Regulus had been trying to act silly. James thought he looked like a model.

 

“James,” Regulus said, a little breathless sounding. “Little help?” James hummed, turning off his phone and putting it in his pocket. 

 

“Open the door, love,” James said, standing outside. A moment later, the door swung open, Regulus smiling sheepishly. He was wearing a lacy black corset over his t-shirt. 

 

“Could you tie it for me?” Regulus asked a little shyly.

 

James nodded, his cheeks warm. Regulus turned around, and James grabbed the cord. “Inhale, love. Expand your ribs.” Regulus did, and James laced it up, his hands shaking on the cord. After he finished, Regulus turned around, absolutely beautiful, his curls falling down around his neck. They were a bit long, falling almost to his shoulders.

 

“You’re gorgeous,” Regulus mumbled, his eyes pretty and soft. James couldn’t help but laugh.

 

“I’m pretty sure that’s what I’m supposed to be saying right now,” James replied warmly. He couldn’t help the fond look that he felt grace his face as cupped Regulus’s cheek. James leaned in to kiss him, but Regulus stepped away, laughing.

“Nope,” he said, laughter in his voice. “We are not making out in the changing room of some designer fucking store while I’m in a fucking corset. You’re helping me get out of this thing, and then we’re going to buy all of these and meet up with my friends for lunch.”

 

James pouted. “Then when can I kiss you?”

 

Regulus’s smile was soft, sweet. “Anytime you want. But after I get this damn thing off.”

James spent almost 2k on new clothes for Regulus. He regretted nothing. Well, except for volunteering to carry around the ton of clothes Regulus bought, since apparently everything on the planet looked stunning on him. Regulus had told him as they walked around the mall that his friends, the rest of Serpentine, James assumed, were having lunch in the food court. Regulus wanted to join them, and James wouldn’t dare say no to him.

 

So, he ended up eating lunch with Regulus and his friends in the mall food court, while carrying four bags of luxury clothing. It may have been a bit mis-matched, but he was happy.

 

“Hey, Reggie!” said a petite blonde girl, running up to Regulus, her hair covered in pastel butterfly clips. She was incredibly pale, with strikingly blue eyes. She gave Regulus a quick kiss on the cheek, before turning to James. “Hello, James. It’s nice to properly meet you.” Her voice was a bit daydreamy, like she wasn’t fully there. It reminded James of a fortune teller he once met on the street who freaked him out. This girl seemed quite a bit nicer.

 

“Hello. Pandora, right?” James said, smiling. He was determined to make a good impression, after all, this was probably the closest he would get to meeting Regulus’s parents. God knows he didn’t want to meet his actual ones.

 

“Reg!” Shouted a thin dark haired boy- Barty was his name, James remembered. He had a large grin across his face. “Should’ve told us you were bringing your boy toy!”

 

Regulus scowled and shook his head. “He’s not my boy toy.”

 

“But I could be,” James responded, nudging Regulus’s shoulder. That got a laugh out of Barty and a blush out of Regulus. 

 

“Come on. Sit down,” Barty said, smirking. James could see glimpses of abnormally sharp canines that only added to the intimidating punk-rock vibe that Barty gave off. 

 

At the circular table, there were two more people: A dark skinned girl that he knew was Dorcas from Marlene’s constant ramblings, and who he could only assume was Evan. He hadn’t really bothered to get acquainted with them before, much too focused on Regulus, who held his hand as they walked over.

 

James set down the bags on the table, eliciting an appreciative whistle from Evan. “Expensive. Didn’t know you were rich.”

 

James shrugged. “Nothing but the best for our Reggie.”

 

Barty grinned, fluorescent lights glinting off those odd canines that James couldn’t help thinking were oddly badass. “You got that right.”

 

Evan grinned, looking at Regulus with a teasing look. “Looks like our little Reggie found himself a sugar daddy.”

 

Regulus glared at him. “He’s not a sugar daddy.”

 

“Seems like it to me.”

 

“But he’s not.”

 

“I think he is.”

 

“ Evan .” Regulus seethed. Evan just grinned in response.

 

“For your information, he’s my boyfriend now,” Regulus said factually. James felt almost relieved. They hadn’t talked about labels, and James was always so worried about pushing Regulus’s boundaries, he didn’t ask. It seemed that Regulus had decided without him, and that was okay. Good, even.

 

Evan smiled curiously. “When did that happen?”

 

James didn’t really know, but Regulus seemed happy to answer for him. “I would say it’s probably when he bought me nearly 2k worth of clothing.”

 

Evan’s jaw dropped and Barty laughed. “Jeez, I figured he was well-off, but what the fuck? Are you sure he’s not your sugar daddy, Reg?”

 

Regulus glared, and James chuckled, kissing the top of Regulus’s head, followed by teasing ‘ Awwww ’’s from Barty and Evan. Regulus flipped them off. James just chuckled.

 

“Reg, why don’t you get James and you something to eat?” said Dorcas, a little sharply. James wasn’t really sure why, but she seemed sharp, cold, at least towards him.

 

Regulus shrugged. “Sure. What do you want, James?” James grinned.

 

“Surprise me, love,” James said, pulling out his card. “Here.” He felt Regulus’s friends staring at him, wide-eyed, as Regulus took the card, kissing him on the cheek before walking away.

 

“Jesus,” Evan said. “How rich are you?” James just chuckled a bit.

 

“Okay,” Barty said seriously, his voice suddenly much darker. “What are your intentions with Regulus? Are you in love with him? Do you intend to leave him at any point? Where did you get all your money? Do you have any shady business that might endanger Regulus? Are you attempting to use him? Are-”

 

“Slow down, B,” Evan said, putting a calming hand on his shoulder. James saw Barty inhale deeply. “James, we want to make sure that you’re putting Regulus in a safe and healthy relationship. We just want to protect him.”

 

James nodded. “I get that. Ask me whatever you want.”

 

Evan turned to Barty. “B?”

 

Barty nodded. “First thing’s first, what’re your intentions with Regulus?”

 

“To date him, and make him happy?”

 

“Do you ever intend to break up with him, or break his heart?” Barty asked, his eyes narrowed.

 

James shook his head adamantly. “No. Never.”

 

Barty nodded. “Do you have any explanation for the atrocious amount of money you have? Any shady or illegal business that Regulus might get wrapped up in?”

 

James shook his head. “No. It’s just a family business. I grew up with lots of money, and just continued making money as I got older. I get that it sounds a bit sketchy, but I swear, nothing illegal.”

 

“Hm,” Barty hummed, nodding. “I believe you. For now. One last question.”

 

James nodded. “Okay?”

 

Barty seemed a bit hesitant, but he glanced at Evan, took a deep breath, and asked. “Do you love Regulus?”

 

James was hesitant. He wasn’t sure, really. He thought Regulus was gorgeous, of course, and sweet, and clever, and amazing. He was amazing, and he adored him. But he hadn’t known him all that long. He would be happy to introduce him to his parents any time now, but he wasn’t sure he was ready for three little words that had always come so easy for him. Maybe that was just because it was real. He didn’t know. 

 

“I’m not sure,” he said honestly. He felt relieved when Barty just nodded and smiled. 

 

Dorcas walked up to him, putting a strong hand on his shoulder. “I’ll put this bluntly. Regulus seems happy with you. You haven’t known each other that long, and I’m sure you’ll get to know each other and fall in love as time goes on. I’m happy for you, and I don’t think you’ll hurt him.” James smiled appreciatively, at least until she kept talking, squeezing his shoulder tightly. “But, if you hurt him, we will kill you. That’s not a threat. It’s a promise. We actually will kill you if you dare hurt him.”

 

James nodded, smiling. “Of course. I won’t hurt him. I promise.”

 

Dorcas nodded, loosening her grip and sitting back down. “You better.”

 

A few minutes later, Regulus returned, holding chinese food he had bought from one of the stalls. “Hope you like orange chicken,” he said cheerfully, sitting down with James and leaning on him. James supposed that the tension was gone now that their anxieties had been somewhat relieved. 

 

The conversation was more free and cheerful from there, leading to a few confused looks from Regulus. Still, it was pleasant, happy. James liked seeing how happy and comfortable Regulus was when he talked to his friends. He liked seeing how happily he could hug Barty and Evan at the end of their lunch as they said goodbye. How warmly he said goodbye to Dorcas and Pandora as Dorcas clapped him on the back and Pandora kissed him on the cheek, rubbing at the slightly pink tinted lip gloss she was wearing. He was happy and almost a little proud when Evan shook his hand and Barty patted him on the back. Dorcas stayed back, simply nodding at him, but Pandora did lean up to kiss him on the cheek. That just seemed to be the way he was.

 

James and Regulus didn’t shop anymore after that. They didn’t have time. James took him back to his hotel room to pack for the plane flight that night. James sat on the bed, chatting as Regulus packed, before going to James’s room to pack his stuff. Regulus decided to help, folding his clothes for him (“Honestly, James, have you ever done laundry?”). They went to the airport together, got on the plane together, and sat together. Regulus even, though reluctantly, shared headphones with James as they listened to the Sweeney Todd soundtrack ("It's my favorite,” Regulus said, pouting, when James suggested a more cheerful musical).

 

Not too long after Regulus sang all of Pirelli’s Miracle Elixir under his breath, James heard soft snoring. He turned to see a lovely sleeping Regulus. His mouth was open a bit, his eyelids fluttering as he slept. He was so adorable. James let him sleep, staring out the window at the night sky. He thought back on the day they had had, the questions Barty had asked him.

 

“Do you love Regulus?” Barty had asked. James hadn’t been sure then. But now, with a sleeping Regulus by his side, and the stars shining through the window, James had his answer.

 

He was in love.

Notes:

This is a fun chapter and I love it sm. Like, protective Barty and Evan, and quiet judgy Dorcas interrogating James is just so fun to me. Also James is in love<333 We definitely didn't already know that...

I'm too tired to write more here rn, so I hope you enjoyed xoxo

Chapter 13: Compliment

Summary:

Wolfstar fluff and confusion

Notes:

Happy birthday to me......

My birthday was this week and I think my brain is rotting. But I'm slowly recovering from the horrible writers block that burnt into my skull. I also just haven't had time to write, so maybe it'll pick up again. Everyone say hi to my bestie, GayHorrorFan for celebrating my birthday with me.

The minute they were alone, Remus was kissing Sirius. They couldn’t stay apart, really, unable to go more than twelve hours without a secretive stolen kiss. Thankfully, Minnie had agreed to lowering costs for the tour by having them share rooms. Remus roomed with Sirius, while James and Marlene had their own separate, smaller rooms. It was adequate, especially considering the amount of time Sirius wanted to spend in private with Remus.

 

Pittsburgh was probably lovely. Sirius would probably explore tomorrow, if they were free from the devastatingly boring torment of interviews. Maybe he and Remus could just be normal people for once, not recognized. Just a couple, holding hands and drinking coffee. Sirius knew it was far fetched, but it wouldn’t hurt to dream.

 

“Sirius?” Remus said, putting a gentle hand on Sirius’s shoulder. “You were spacing out. You okay?”

 

Sirius nodded, smiling. “I’m fine. Just love you.”

 

Remus smiled warmly, kissing Sirius softly. “I love you too.”

 

They hadn’t meant for this to happen, not really. After all, it was a drunken idea neither of them expected to remember. Sirius hadn’t at first, not until he came to, groaning about the throbbing in his head, only to be met with a gentle kiss from Remus. 

 

He didn’t like keeping secrets. Actually, that was a lie. He didn’t mind keeping secrets, except when it was James he was keeping them from. James was always there for him, had never hidden anything from him. Sirius knew that James was trustworthy, never the type to rat them out, and he knew how guilty Remus felt about it, but he knew Remus was adamant about keeping this secret. He had never wanted fame, never wanted the cameras. It had been Sirius’s fault Remus ended up in the limelight. He couldn’t ask Remus to take any more publicity. Not when there was so much they both wanted to hide.

 

Sirius’s phone vibrated, interrupting the sweet silence they had made. Remus watched him, smirking slightly, as he stood up, fishing for clothing from his suitcase.

 

Remus sat on the bed, smirking at him. “Aren’t you going to check your phone?”

 

Sirius laughed. “Don’t need to. You know that, Moons. Come on, get ready. James is waiting on us.”

 

Sirius could hear Remus peeling off his beige sweater (Sirius never thought beige could be attractive until he met Remus), and then his black t-shirt, revealing scars that Sirius had seen before. They were a sore subject for Remus, so Sirius never pressed for details. He didn’t really need to. He had met Remus’s father before.

 

Sirius turned to look at Remus, warm, uncovered skin. Remus always looked so warm. “Changing in front of me? Really? Have you no shame?” Sirius joked.

 

Remus smiled warmly. “Well, I was changing behind you, but you decided to turn around.”

 

Sirius stood up, walking to Remus and grabbing his hips, his thumbs brushing against bare skin. “Couldn’t help it. You’re just too pretty.”

 

Remus chuckled, flicking him gently in the forehead. “Go get dressed, Pads.”

 

Sirius grinned brightly. He went back to kneeling over his suitcase, looking through pile after pile of flashy clothing. These were the most Sirius things he owned. He hadn’t had much freedom growing up, finding it in music, and his clothing. The first day after he left, he went shopping, buying the clothing that made him feel free, like a rockstar. He always wanted to be a rockstar.

 

He eventually picked out an outfit that felt right. Something fully black, and lace for the top, latex leggings with deep pockets, and a silver-studded belt. The only thing that didn’t look shiny and flamboyant were his scuffed doc martens, with yellow laces that were frayed at the ends. He couldn’t help staring into the mirror, smirking at his reflection. He felt attractive, pretty. He felt like a star, shining and glamorous.

 

Remus walked up, putting his large, scarred hands on Sirius’s hips. He had four bracelets on each of his wrists, covered in round black beads. He was wearing jeans, ripped at the knees, and a simple black tank top. Remus had to lean down to kiss the top of Sirius’s head, because Remus was far too fucking tall. Sirius would’ve been so annoyed by it if Remus wasn’t so incredibly pretty.

 

“You look gorgeous,” Remus said softly, resting his chin on top of Sirius’s head.

 

“You too,” Sirius said, trying to glance up at his boyfriend. Boyfriend . A word had never sounded quite so lovely, even in his head.

 

Remus leaned down to kiss his cheek sweetly. “Come on, Pads. You said it yourself. James is waiting on us.”

Sound checks were irritating. It was long periods of time trying to ignore Regulus’s band being fucking good. Honestly, it wasn’t fair that Regulus could be such a little shit, but just as talented as Sirius himself. Usually his friends would leave with him, go get something to eat, and come back after Serpentine had finished. Tonight was a bit different. When Sirius and Remus arrived, resisting the urge to hold hands, James was there, watching, awestruck, as Regulus sang. It was that song he had played at the last concert. Brother, it was called. That was annoying. The Marauders were also playing a song called Brother. It was one of Sirius’s favorites. Guess that was the fault of refusing to talk to his estranged brother. It didn’t matter though. It wasn’t like Regulus would want to speak to him anyways.

 

James didn’t seem to notice Sirius and Remus. His eyes were trained on Regulus as he sang, not as emotionally and loudly as he did in concert, but his singing was still rather nice. But not nice enough for the awe in James’s eyes.

 

“Hello,” Sirius said, waving his hand in front of James’s face. “Earth to Prongs?” James blinked, turning to Sirius with a sheepish grin.

 

“Sorry, Pads,” James said, smiling. “I’m fine. Promise.”

 

Sirius grinned, standing a bit straighter. “Want to get out of here? Moony found a hot pot place that’s supposed to be pretty good, and I’ve been craving something a bit hotter.”

 

James seemed hesitant, glancing over at the stage, where Serpentine was still playing. Sirius wasn’t really sure why. He hadn’t been like this before. He had always been so willing to go out with them. Still, he, for some reason, seemed tense, far too comfortable where he was, watching Regulus sing. “...Sure,” James said after a while, standing up.

 

James had been quiet during their dinner of relatively good hot pot. Without James as their social butterfly, conversing nonstop, it was quiet and awkward, Sirius and Remus unable to talk like they did in public, and James seeming to be somewhere else.

 

That did seem to change though, when they returned to the venue, just in time for Serpentine to go on stage. Sirius sat backstage, doing his makeup. Red lip gloss, golden sparkly eyeshadow, and eyeliner, Sirius’s golden trio of makeup to look sexy on stage. James never wore much more than a little bit of blush to bring out the warmth in his skin, but Remus, he always needed help with his makeup. Actually, Sirius wasn’t sure if he did, or if it was just an excuse for Sirius to be close. Still, he found himself touching up the concealer over the thin scar on Remus’s face, and pushing his mousy brown hair into place. Remus tied his hair into a messy bun. 

 

He could hear Regulus singing. It wasn’t particularly surprising that he had a lovely voice. Sirius was pretty sure it was genetic. For as awful as their family was, they were gifted with fantastic voices. Regulus was singing Brother last this time, Sirius hearing as he belted the chorus. He felt sick to his stomach as he imagined Regulus cozying up next to Crouch, like he had at the last concert. He couldn’t help the protective twinge in his gut, because no matter how awful he was, the Regulus Sirius knew deserved far better than a lowlife criminal like Crouch.

 

Sirius heard his cue, heard the roaring applause from the audience, and plastered on a grin. 

 

“Good Evening, Pittsburgh!” He said cheerfully, picking up his guitar. He glanced over to see Marlene in a black crop top, picking up her hot pink bass. Sirius never really understood why she chose hot pink, but he respected the flamboyance of it. James picked up his guitar, a simple red one that Sirius knew he treasured. Sirius’s was matching, but a little brighter, shinier, less used. 

 

Sirius grabbed the microphone, staring out happily at the audience. They were here to see him, to view him. Sirius loved it. He always knew he would, even as a kid, desperate to be a star. He cleared his throat. “It’s great to be here tonight. We are so incredibly happy to be in this incredible city, and to be here with all of you tonight. We hope you enjoy the show.”

 

Sirius heard the 70’s inspired background track play. This one was a more upbeat one he had written, built in sarcasm and past experiences. It felt good to write about his childhood, like every song he wrote about growing up rich, or how awful his family was, it made it hurt a little bit less. The only exception seemed to be Regulus.

 

“ The TV's on, the woman's blonde

She talks and talks of how the rich are wrong

They cheat on wives, never pay the price

I'm a low-class guy, that sounds pretty nice”

 

The next part James and Remus sang with him. They had so much fun rehearsing this together, going as deep as they could go while staying in the melody.

 

“I want to be with the bourgeoisieses

I want to see how the bourgeoisieses party all night

I want to be with the bourgeoisieses

I want to see how the bourgeoisieses la-da-de-di

Want to be with the bourgeoisieses”

 

He could hear Marlene whispering her part. She enjoyed the whisper solo quite a bit, grinning ear to ear as she did it.

 

“The men at war, they draft the poor

No time to mourn, I'm on the dance floor

Mom and dad got my back

But I don't need that, I need a Maserati”

 

“I want to be with the bourgeoisieses

I want to see how the bourgeoisieses party all night

I want to be with the bourgeoisieses 

I want to see how the bourgeoisieses la-da-de-di

Want to be with the bourgeoisieses”

 

Marlene always had fun with the background vocals on this part, singing higher and more melodically than the rest of the band.

 

Sirius wasn’t involved with the bridge, the melody taken on entirely by Remus, James and Marlene. Sirius only came back for the last runthrough of the chorus.

 

“I want to be with the bourgeoisieses

I want to see how the bourgeoisieses party all night

I want to be with the bourgeoisieses

I want to see how the bourgeoisieses la-da-de-di

Want to be with the bourgeoisieses”

 

They were met with applause. They always were. It was one of Sirius’s favorite things about performing. He could put so much of himself into these songs, enough for his audience to think they knew him, but they never really did. They could know what he wanted them to know, and they could give him all the praise in the world, but he would never receive pity, and he would never have to be vulnerable. He didn’t want to be known. He wanted to be seen.

 

The rest of the show was a success, with a couple of their most popular songs. Brother, as always, was a fantastic success. Sirius almost cried singing it. Lone Star was a newer one, but still quite popular with their audience. Fight or Flight was one of their older ones, but was still quite popular, the audience singing along throughout the song, eliciting a smile from Sirius as he sang. By the time they finished, he was quite exhausted, ready to head back to Remus’s and his room. He said a quick ‘good night’ to the stage crew and wandered off. Remus stayed behind to help the stage crew. It was sweet of him, but a shame, really. Sirius could’ve used a kiss.

 

As he emerged from the lobby, he saw a boy outside, perfectly neat black curls framing his face as he sucked on a cigarette. It was almost disturbing how much he looked like Sirius, when he was younger.

 

“Reg?” Sirius asked. Regulus turned to him, eyeing him with boredom. He had a certain coldness to him that he hadn’t had when he was just a child, and Sirius had known him. Sirius recognized it though. When you’re born into the family they were, it was easier to just put up a facade of nonchalance, and let your life fall apart. Sirius expected him to say something cruel, maybe a clipped hello, or even just walk away, leaving Sirius alone. He didn’t expect a compliment to come out of Regulus’s mouth.

 

“You were good,” Regulus said shortly, before dropping his cigarette and stomping it out, his hands in his pockets. He walked away without another word, leaving Sirius alone in the parking lot.

Notes:

Song: Bourgeoisieses by Conan Gray (That is so hard to type :( also I prewrite my chapters and I wrote this like the week after Found Heaven dropped because my Conan Gray obsession made me)

I don't really have thoughts on this chapter, other than James is softening Regulus up and I love it, and Wolfstar my loves<3

Hope you enjoyed xoxo

Chapter 14: Vulnerable

Notes:

I definitely didn't forget to post for a couple of days... Definitely not because I was planning out random things for a fic I haven't even started writing... But I'm here now!!! And I'm booking my autism and ADHD evaluations!!!!!

CW: homophobia, mentions of past child abuse, panic attacks, brief self-harm (scratching)

Regulus woke up in Barty and Evan’s room, curled up on the edge of the bed. Barty and Evan weren’t in the bed, but the lights were on in the bathroom, the shower running. The television was on, playing a rerun of The Simpsons. Regulus groaned and sat up, running a hand through his hair, flattened from the side he slept on. Suddenly, the shower stopped. A few minutes later, Evan walked out of the bathroom, only a towel on his waist. That wasn’t surprising. He tended to walk around shirtless back at the apartment. What was surprising was Barty walking out behind him, looking completely refreshed. Regulus narrowed his eyes at them.

 

“Were you two…?” Regulus asked suspiciously, pointing between them. Barty laughed.

 

“Nah. No. I was brushing my teeth,” he said, grinning ferally. It didn’t really change Regulus’s suspicions.

 

“...While he was in the shower?” Regulus asked, suspicious, as Evan walked past him, digging through his suitcase for some clothes.

 

Barty shrugged. “Sure.” He could hear the towel drop behind him. Again, not surprising, considering Evan had absolutely no care back at the apartment. What was surprising, was Barty’s eyes flicking behind Regulus, to where Evan was changing.

 

“Yeah no,” Regulus said, standing up. “I’m done. I don’t really care what you guys do when I’m not here, but I don’t want to be around when you do it.” Regulus just walked out the door, Barty and Evan laughing and shouting their goodbyes as he left.

 

Regulus stopped by his room, only to change into jeans and a black Rolling Stones t-shirt. Then, he went down to the lobby for the hotel breakfast buffet. He didn’t feel like going out and trying to find somewhere good in a city he wasn’t familiar with. 

 

The second he walked into the buffet, Sirius stormed up to him. Regulus just sighed.

 

“What do you want, Sirius?” Regulus asked, boredom seeping into his voice. Sirius looked angry, confused maybe. Regulus couldn’t be sure. He didn’t really care, either.

 

“Last night. You complimented me,” Sirius said, sounding confused. His hands were fidgeting with the hem of his David Bowie t-shirt that Regulus was pretty sure he had owned since before he left.

 

“I did,” Regulus said simply. It was a factual statement. It wasn’t something worth denying.

 

“Why?” Sirius asked, bewildered. 

 

Regulus forced away the smirk that threatened to crawl up his face. “We’re coworkers, Sirius. Coworkers can compliment each other.”

 

Emotion flickered through Sirius’s eyes. “But we’re not just coworkers, Reg. We’re bro-”

 

“No, Sirius,” Regulus said shortly. “We’re not. We haven’t been for a long fucking time.” Regulus walked away, out of the buffet. He was hungry, sure, but he’d rather starve than spend time in Sirius’s presence.

 

There were interviews today. Three of them in a row, starting at noon. Regulus would have to get ready, pick out an outfit, spend time with Sirius, spend time with Sirius, spend time with Sirius. This was going to be exhausting. He decided to turn off his notifications on his phone. He didn’t want anyone to reach out to him.

 

He put on some music, from some trans pop punk artist that Pandora had sent him. He liked the music enough to listen to it, but found it hard to remember the artist’s name. He hummed along to the verse, unable to remember the words. He sang the chorus though, laying down and smiling as he sang.

 

“ It's my mind that I'm having to fight with

A party that I wasn't invited to

And they know what they know now

I'm still waiting to find out”

 

Regulus heard knocking at his door, but chose to ignore it. When the knocking didn’t stop, he sighed, pressing pause on his music, and standing up to answer the door. He glared as he opened the door, to see James, looking anxious.

 

“Oh. James. Hi,” Regulus said. Very eloquent . James smiled sheepishly, sighing, relieved.

 

“Reg. Hi,” James said before hugging Regulus tightly. He kissed the top of Regulus’s head. “I was worried about you.”

 

“Why?” Regulus asked, furrowing his brow.

 

“Sirius told me about what happened in the buffet,” James said softly. “I kept texting you, but you didn’t respond. And frankly, love, I didn’t trust your emotional state after that.”

 

Regulus chuckled, smiling a bit. Suddenly, the words hit him, making him a little confused. “You have my number?” He had made the continuous, and awful mistake of forgetting to give James his number.

 

James smiled awkwardly, running a hand through his messy hair. “When you joined the tour, we got an email with the phone numbers of you and your bandmates.”

 

Regulus just stared at him. “And you never thought to tell me? Or text me??”

 

“I didn’t want you to think I was weird!”

 

Regulus just shook his head and laughed, wrapping his arms around James’s neck, pulling him down to kiss him. “You are weird. But I still like you.”

 

James stayed with Regulus while he got ready for the interview, putting on the gorgeous black dress shirt that James had bought for him the other day, the one with silver buttons and green thread. James seemed to approve, if the way he looked at Regulus was anything to go by. As Regulus tied up his curls into a short ponytail, he saw James dialing a number on the room phone.

 

“What are you doing?” Regulus asked, pulling his curls tightly into the pony. James looked away from the phone, to smile at Regulus.

 

“Sirius said you didn’t have breakfast. I’m ordering you room service,” he said, sweetly, before turning back to the phone and waiting until someone picked up.

 

“Yes, hello,” he said. “I’d like to order room service.” James nodded and hummed. “Yes, I’d like to order a black coffee, blueberry muffins-” he seemed to have been cut off, nodding. “Oh. Blueberry pancakes, then. And an apple danish. Yes. Thank you.” James put down the phone, turning back to Regulus with a grin.

 

“You didn’t have to,” Regulus said, smiling. 

 

“But I wanted to. And you need to eat,” James said warmly, gently grabbing Regulus’s arm and pulling the smaller man into his chest.

 

“We don’t have time, James. I have an interview at noon,” Regulus said, still smiling. James stuck his tongue out at him.

 

“Well I suppose they’ll have to wait,” James grinned, and Regulus loved him.

 

Wait.

 

No.

 

Love wasn’t right. It couldn’t be. After all, Regulus couldn’t know what it was. He had never loved someone romantically before. Almost every tattoo on his skin was a family member, or a friend, or an ex who left him. Nobody he had dated and loved. Regulus had just resigned himself to that fact, something that was just that. A fact. Something that was eternally true, and would never change. Every relationship would end before it could reach the point of love, and Regulus would be forever alone.

 

And then there was James. James, who was warm, and silly, and shining. James, who tried endlessly to make him laugh. James, who cared, far more than anyone Regulus had ever known. James, who seemed to be infinitely kind and caring, always there for him for reasons Regulus couldn’t understand. James, who couldn’t seem to help the way people were utterly drawn to him. James, who touched like the gentle warmth of spring, and smiled like the sun.

 

Maybe he did love James. He couldn’t be sure. After all, he didn’t know love. Still, James seemed to be one of the few things that was real. And Regulus couldn’t help but cling onto him.

 

James sat with him as he ate the blueberry pancakes that were delivered to his room. It might be his favorite breakfast now. It reminded him a little bit of James. Regulus didn’t bother saying goodbye when he left for the interview. He was afraid that if he opened his mouth, he would say something stupid that he would regret. Something he wouldn’t really mean.

 

The first interview was with a young woman named Zoe Huang. She was sweet, too sweet for journalism. Regulus hoped she’d survive the industry long enough to be rich and happy. He highly doubted it though. She asked them questions about the tour, how it was going, if they had any plans for after it ended. Regulus answered every question with an overly sweet smile. He silently wished her luck before he left.

 

The second interview was with a man named Adam Ryans, who was, frankly, an asshole. Regulus had the misfortune of seeing how he treated his assistants, yelling at them about his coffee, his dry cleaning, his notes. After being so rude to them, he sat down with a smile that oozed charisma. Regulus couldn’t help the scowl that seemed to linger on his face. He asked the most irritating questions, overly personal, desperate for a scandal. Regulus was sure to answer them, clipped and vague.

 

The third interview was the worst. A middle aged woman with cold, cruel eyes. She didn’t bother with the politeness, false or otherwise, a scowl across her face. She was organized, stiff. She sat straight, her graying hair tied tight behind her head. Patricia Kane. A renowned bitch. 

 

“Let’s cut to the chase, shall we?” she said, less a question than a statement, her hands folded on her desk. “You’re Serpentine, and you’re currently on tour with renowned indie rock band, the Marauders. However, what is there to know about you? Let’s address some rumors that have been floating around about you.”

 

“Mr. Crouch-”

 

“You can call me Barty,” he grinned, but Regulus could see how fake it was. How hard his teeth were grinding.

 

“Mr. Crouch,” she said coldly. “Is it true that you are the denounced criminal son of British politician, and former law enforcement officer, Bartemius Crouch Sr.?”

 

Barty snorted, his laughter cold and sharp. Regulus knew how often Barty had lied on the subject of his last name, claiming he’d never heard of the man, or that it was his mother’s maiden name, with no connection to his father at all. As far as Regulus was aware, no one outside the band knew.

 

“That asshole? Fuck, no,” Barty laughed sharply. “No, it’s just a coincidence. I happened to have a single mother, so I have her maiden name.”

 

Patricia narrowed her eyes at him. “Then explain the Jr. at the end of your name?”

 

Barty frowned. “You must be mistaken. I’m just Barty Crouch. No Jr. necessary.” He ran a hand through his hair. “Honestly, I’m glad he’s not my dad. I mean, the guy is cruel-” Regulus knew that all too well. Countless times, Barty had knocked on Regulus’s window, beaten and bruised, and whispering angrily about how someday he would leave. Regulus remembered praying that he would. “He’s known for being a homophobic ass-”

 

“You have a problem with his viewpoints?” Patricia asked coldly. Barty just snorted. He hadn’t really stopped laughing.

 

“Yeah, I do,” Barty said, snarling.

 

“Why is that?”

 

Barty laughed again. “Well, I’m very gay, you see, and I don’t really support people who think that I don’t deserve to exist.”

 

Patricia’s gaze got colder. “Ah… well, there are many who don’t support… your kind. Frankly, it’s a bit unnatural. I don’t see the issue with Crouch Sr.’s viewpoints.”

 

Barty snarled, glaring daggers at her. “The issue is that he thinks that ‘my kind’ don’t deserve to exist, simply because we love differently than him. And even if I wasn’t so ridiculously queer, it makes shit sense to despise a group of people for who they love. Hating any group of people for anything outside of their control is, frankly, ridiculous.”

 

“Well it’s not outside of your control, is it, Mr. Crouch?”

 

“ Yes, it is ,” Barty seethed. “Nobody decides to be gay, just like nobody decides to be straight. I didn’t wake up one day and decide I like dick!” Barty laughed coldly. “Nothings going to change that, by the way. I’m gay, and that’s not going to fucking change.”

 

“Mr. Crouch, please sit down-” Patricia said as Barty stood up, laughing madly. He looked insane. That was how Regulus could tell that he was furious.

 

“No!” Barty said, running a shaky hand through his hair. “No, I did not come here to be disrespected, and I will not just sit here and take it!” Again . The word lingered in Regulus’s mind. He won’t sit and take it again . Regulus stood up, shaking.

 

Barty didn’t say anything else. He just stormed away, Regulus at his heels. He chased him out to the parking lot, where Barty climbed into the driver's seat of the rental van. It wasn’t quite as comfortable as the one they had at home, but it would do. Regulus climbed into the passenger's seat, placing a hand on his shoulder. Barty covered his face with his hands. Regulus could just barely hear him sobbing. He was a quiet crier. He never wanted it to be seen. Too vulnerable. Regulus knew the feeling.

 

“Fuck, I hate having my name attached to that asshole,” Barty laughed, a little maniacally.  “I hate him so much, and I hate that people can guess , and I hate that he hated me, and I hate that ma loves him for some fucking reason.” Barty placed his hands behind his neck and scratched, pulled. He just kept scratching, until Regulus grabbed his hands.

 

“Hey,” Regulus said. “Stop. You’re okay. You’re free.” Barty’s eyes were wide, scared. Regulus opened his arms, and Barty collapsed into them, sobbing. Regulus wasn’t the best for this. He had too many issues that he wasn’t sure how to solve, but he could hold over until Evan got there. And that seemed to be enough for Barty, clinging to him as he sobbed.

Notes:

Song: Gibberish by Noahfinnce (I love this song)

This was a rough chapter. Poor Barty :( I must protect him. I love him too much for the shit he's gone through. Also, the journalist woman, Patricia, needs to be lit on fire. We do not do homophobia here >:(

On a happier note, Regulus is realizing that he's in love. That's the only happy thing going on this chapter.

Hope you enjoyed xoxo

Chapter 15: Pity

Notes:

Hiiii... I think I'm gonna take a short hiatus from Complications. I want to work on some other stuff, and my mental health has kinda dropped recently. I might be out a week or two.

CW: Panic attack ig

“You fucked up,” said a girl with tawny skin and short waves of black hair, holding colorful notebooks. Still, she smiled humorously. “Like, really fucked up. Great job though. I respect it.”

 

Evan raised his hand from where he was sitting on the edge of the platform. When they walked into the studio for rehearsals, they didn’t expect to be reminded of how they acted. Regulus didn’t regret it. He knew Barty didn’t either.

 

“Um, I’m sorry,” Evan said, confused. “Who are you?”

 

The girl blinked. “I’m Cerci. I’m the PR for you guys while you’re on tour.”

 

Barty glared quietly at the floor. “I’m not going to apologize for the stuff I said,” Barty said softly. “I’m not apologizing for walking out either.” Regulus was surprised to see Cerci nod.

 

“Yeah, I get that,” Cerci said. “I’m ace, y’know. And pan. I’m happy for anyone sticking up for the community. The problem is that you yelled at a public figure, about another public figure, and stormed out of an important interview.”

 

Barty shook his head, still glaring at the floor. “I don’t care. I won’t apologize.”

 

Cerci huffed. “Frankly, it doesn’t matter. You have to say something . You don’t have to go back on the show, or say you didn’t mean what you said. You just have to say ‘I’m sorry I caused a mess and I never meant to offend’ and you’re good.”

 

“No!” Evan exclaimed. “That’s bullshit. Barty shouldn’t have to apologize for sticking up for himself. He’s not doing it. Right, B?”

 

Barty was quiet for a moment, before looking up from the floor. “...I’ll think about it.”

 

“What?” Evan asked, clearly pissed off. “B, you shouldn’t have to-”

 

“Evan,” Barty cut him off. “It’s fine. It’s not worth the publicity. Besides, it’s not all that unreasonable, is it?”

 

Evan looked like he was about to respond, angry, but Cerci cut in first. “I feel like I’m intruding on your discussion, so I’m gonna head out. You guys were sent my number, so when you make up your mind, text me. I’ll try to get the rest of the team to cut you some slack.”

 

Regulus muttered a small ‘ thank you ’ as she walked out. Evan and Barty were arguing, Evan apparently having walked closer to Barty. Regulus didn’t care anymore. He was just tired. So he left.

 

Regulus couldn’t sleep. He turned and turned, shut his eyes tight, tried every position imaginable, but he just couldn’t drift off. At a certain point, he was done trying to, grabbing his phone and checking the texts that had accumulated in his phone. One was from a number that he knew was Sirius’s. Regulus didn’t care what he had to say. A couple of group chat texts. Regulus didn’t want to talk to them right now. Then there were seven from an unknown number. James. It had to be. Regulus couldn’t help the smile that crept onto his face. He saved the contact and read through the texts.

 

8:15

 

Sunshine: Hey Reg

Sunshine: This is James

Sunshine: They sent us an email with your number I promise I didn’t go through your phone or smth

Sunshine: Pads told me that you guys talked at the buffet

Sunshine: *Sirius

Sunshine: Are u okay???

Sunshine: I’m sorry I’m going to your room to check on you rn

 

Well. At least he was up to date now. He was kind of sweet, honestly. Regulus missed his face a little bit.

 

11:34

 

Regulus: Hi

Regulus: Can you come over?

 

Sunshine: Are you okay??

 

Regulus: Long day

Regulus: Come over please?

 

Sunshine: On my way

 

After a few minutes, James showed up at his door, his hair a mess. His glasses were in his hand, and he was wearing a soft looking red t-shirt and sweatpants. He looked tired, messy, like he had just woken up. He was so pretty.

 

“Hi,” Regulus said, smiling exhaustedly. James wrapped his arms around him, pulling him in.

 

“Are you alright?” he asked softly, nosing at his hair. “Cerci stopped by. She told me about what happened. Are you okay? Is Barty okay?”

 

Regulus nodded. “Yeah. Yeah, we’re both fine. Just a bit… I don’t know. Shaken up, I guess? Barty, more than me.”

 

James kissed the top of Regulus’s head. “You want to talk about it?” Regulus opened his mouth to say something, but he wasn’t sure. He didn’t know what he wanted. “Do you want me to stay?” James rephrased. Regulus nodded vigorously. James smiled, shutting the door, before going and sitting down on the bed.

 

James patted the bed next to him. Regulus smiled tiredly, sitting down next to him. He leaned into James’s side. 

 

“She asked about his dad,” Regulus mumbled.

 

“His dad?” James asked, stroking Regulus’s hair.

 

“Mhm,” Regulus nodded. “He’s an ass. Really awful. Barty used to walk over to my house, and climb to my bedroom window in the middle of winter, just to get out of his house. I always kept first-aid supplies under my bed, just in case he showed up.”

 

James nodded silently, listening intently. “He kicked Barty out when he was seventeen. He found out that Barty liked to kiss boys, and kicked him out. He went to my house first. My mother hit me when I begged her to let him stay. I had no choice but to leave him on the street.”

 

James opened his mouth, seeming disturbed, shocked. Regulus kept going. “Barty doesn’t like to talk about his father. He says that it makes him feel trapped, like he’s back with his dad, lashing out.”

 

James nodded. “Do you ever feel like that? Like you’re back with your parents?” Of course he would ask that. He knew the sort of shit that he grew up with. Regulus just nodded slowly.

 

“Yeah. It’s… It’s bad,” Regulus said mournfully. “It feels like being locked in a cage, almost. Like being an animal in a zoo cage, watched, and judged, and unable to escape.” James’s lips were parted when Regulus gazed up from the mattress. 

 

Don’t look at me like that . Don’t look at me like you pity me. Please.

 

James pulled Regulus tightly into his chest. “I’m sorry, Regulus. I’m sorry you grew up like that. I’m sorry that I didn’t save you too.”

 

Stop. Don’t pity me. I wouldn’t have gone anyways. Why do you care anyways? You didn’t care then. You only cared about Sirius. He didn’t care about me either. You didn’t pity him. Why do you pity me? Why did he pity me? Why does everyone pity me? I don’t want to be pitied. Stop pitying me. Stop pitying me. STOP PITYING ME-

 

Regulus felt his hands on James’s chest, suddenly shoving him away. He felt tears streaming down his cheeks.

 

“Regulus, baby,” James said, reaching out to him, surprised. Regulus flinched away, covering his ears.

 

“Stop. Leave me alone,” Regulus sobbed. “Leave me alone. Leave me alone! LEAVE ME ALONE!”

 

“Reggie…” James said softly. He retracted his hand, sitting quietly on the opposite side of the bed. Regulus was huddled in a corner of the bed, his head in his knees and his hands on his ears as he sobbed quietly, his eyes tightly shut.

 

His breathing slowly settled. His tears dried, and he calmed. He eventually opened his eyes and uncovered his ears. James was sitting quietly across from him, staring at the floor. Regulus opened his mouth to speak, but what could he say? He had snapped, unprompted. James didn’t do anything. He was trying to help. Regulus didn’t know what to tell him, how to explain. It was easier to just speak and see where it goes.

 

“I’m sorry,” Regulus said quietly. James looked up, turned to him. “I-I didn’t mean to snap at you. I’m sorry.”

 

James looked at him sadly. Not pity. Just sadness. “What happened? Please, just tell me, Reg. Talk to me. I want to be here for you.”

 

Regulus sighed. “Barty and I are kind of similar, y’know. We both snap when we try to… process our history. It’s easier to just pretend it never happened. Thinking about it just brings back all the hurt.”

 

James reached out a hand, but hesitated. “It’s fine, James,” Regulus said. James just put his hand on top of Regulus’s.

 

“I’m here for you, Regulus,” James said simply. “If you want to talk about it with me, you can. I’ll be here to listen. If you don’t want to talk to me about it, then that’s okay. I’ll still be here.” Regulus smiled sadly, before lunging forward, hugging James tightly.

 

“I know, James,” he mumbled into James’s chest. James didn’t hug him back. He let Regulus cling to him.

 

After a few minutes, James spoke again. “Do you feel any better?” Regulus nodded against James’s chest. James gently stroked his hair, his fingers ghosting against Regulus’s scalp. “That’s good. I’m glad you got a release.”

 

Regulus didn’t respond. He just nuzzled into James’s shirt. He smelled nice, citrusy and warm, like spiced oranges, cinnamon and fruit. He felt safe, warm, cozy. James’s hands were too cautious, barely touching him. Regulus didn’t want him to be cautious. Regulus pushed forward, knocking James on his back with a small grunt. Regulus layed on top of him, nuzzling into James’s neck. He loved him. It was strange, and it felt weird, but he was almost completely sure of it. He loved him, he loved him, he loved him.

 

James chuckled, gently wrapping his arms around Regulus’s waist as Regulus pressed a gentle kiss to James’s neck, nuzzling into it. “What are you doing, love?”

 

Regulus kissed his jaw. “Kissing you.” He went back to nuzzling into the crevice of his neck.

 

Regulus could feel James’s pulse under his lips, fluttering a little bit quicker. “Why?” James asked. Regulus pulled away, gazing softly at him.

 

“Is there a problem?” Regulus asked softly. James shook his head.

 

“Not necessarily,” James replied gently. “It’s just that you’re in a bit of a sensitive emotional state right now, and I don’t want you to do anything you might regret later.”

 

“Relax, James,” Regulus said, rolling his eyes. “I’m just kissing you. We’re not having sex.” He leaned against James’s shoulder. “If you want, I’ll get off. I don’t mind.”

 

James shook his head. “No. I want you to stay. I just want to make sure you’re in the right mindset for this right now.”

 

Regulus pressed a kiss to his shoulder. “I’m fine. Don’t worry. I want to be here.”

 

James smiled, wrapping his arms around Regulus. Regulus could hear his heartbeat. It was steady, comforting. And he loved him. He loved him, he loved him, he loved him. At least, he thought he did. He was about as sure as he could be, though. After all, James was warm, and he smiled so bright, like the sun, and he cared, and he was there to hold Regulus. He was respectful, and sweet. How could Regulus not love him?

 

When Regulus fell asleep, James was gently stroking his hair. James was warm, and he smelled sweet. His heartbeat was steady and gentle. It was the safest he had felt in a long time.

 

When Regulus woke up, one of James’s arms was draped over him, the other splayed across the bed. He was asleep, breathing deeply. Regulus gently pulled himself off of James, sure to not wake James up. He grabbed his phone from the nightstand. Sirius’s number had texted him. He sighed, opening up the texts.

 

Sirius: We need to talk

Sirius: Now.

 

Regulus: No, thank you.

Regulus: I’m busy.

Regulus: And uninterested.

 

It took a few minutes for Sirius to respond, Regulus’s phone pinging. Regulus glared at his phone, silencing his notifications so as to not wake up James.

 

Sirius: Too bad

Sirius: It’s 7 in the morning

Sirius: You never do anything before 9:45

Sirius: I can either come over

Sirius: Or you can get ready and come to my room so we can talk

 

Regulus looked over at James who was still snoring softly beside him. He was so cute, and soft looking. Regulus wasn’t ready to burst that bubble yet. Regulus sighed.

 

Regulus: Fine. 

Regulus: I’ll be over in twenty minutes.

 

Sirius: Thank you

 

Regulus pulled himself out of bed, changing into an old t-shirt and leggings. He kissed James’s forehead before he left, sending a text to him to see later. As Regulus walked through the hallway, he realized, a little belatedly, that he was wearing similar clothes to the ones that Sirius used to wear. He almost turned around and went back to change. He didn’t though. He just kept walking to Sirius’s room.

 

Regulus knocked on Sirius’s door. He was surprised when Lupin came to the door instead of Sirius, rubbing his eyes as he yawned. He wore a black t-shirt and joggers, and his hair was a mess, like he had just woken up. Regulus could see thin, pale lines on his arms, and one on his face. Remus looked at him, running a hand through his hair.

 

“Oh,” Remus said groggily. “Regulus. Hi.”

 

“Lupin,” Regulus said politely. “Hello.”

 

Remus stood awkwardly. “So, um… Are you looking for Sirius?”

 

Regulus nodded. “Yes.” Remus was tall, and lanky. He towered over Regulus, leaning against the doorframe.

 

Remus hummed, rubbing at his eyes, before glancing back into the room. He looked back at Regulus. “Head on in, if you want. Sirius had been really fidgety about this all morning.” Remus stepped out of the doorway, allowing Regulus to walk in uncomfortably. “I still have to get ready, by the way. I’ll be out in about twenty minutes, though.”

 

Regulus nodded. Sirius was sitting on the bed, his legs criss-crossed. Remus walked over to him, placing a hand on Sirius’s shoulder. 

 

“I’m gonna change, Pads,” Remus said, leaning down. “You two can talk. Don’t do anything stupid.”

 

Sirius placed a hand over Remus’s. “I won’t. Promise.” Remus smiled and walked off to the bathroom. Sirius turned to Regulus.

 

“Sirius,” Regulus said. 

 

“Regulus,” Sirius responded. They were uncomfortably quiet for a minute, before Sirius spoke again. “Do you… want to sit down?” Regulus shook his head.

 

“I’ll stand,” Regulus said, crossing his arms and leaning against the wall. Sirius glanced down at the t-shirt Regulus was wearing.

 

“Is that my old shirt?”Sirius asked. Regulus shook his head.

 

“No,” Regulus said. “Mother got rid of all your stuff after you left. I took a couple things before she could get to them, but most of the clothes and decorations got thrown out.”

 

Sirius looked at him oddly. “You still call her ‘mother’?”

 

“Yeah. Don’t you?”

 

Sirius shook his head. “Haven’t for a long time.” Regulus just grunted quietly. And then there was the awkward silence, crushing, years of changing and passing time catching up to them and crushing Regulus’s lungs under the weight. He kept breathing, but no air got into his lungs, blocked by the weight of memories, both ones ignored, and ones they never got to make.

 

“What did you want to talk about?” Regulus asked coldly, staring at the floor. It felt choked. Sirius stared at him.

 

“The interview,” Sirius said. “Is… Is Crouch okay?” Regulus scoffed.

 

“Spare the bullshit,” Regulus said. “You don’t care about Barty’s wellbeing.”

 

“No,” Sirius said softly. “But you did.”

 

Regulus didn’t respond to that for a minute. “What did you actually want to talk about, Sirius?”

 

Sirius sighed. “No small talk. Of fucking course,” he mumbled. “Cerci gave me a copy of the interview questions you were going to be asked.”

 

“Okay?” Regulus said, sounding bored. Sirius glared at him.

 

“She knew, Regulus,” Sirius said. “She was going to ask you if we were brothers.”

 

Regulus rolled his eyes. “So? I would’ve just denied it.” Sirius ran a hand through his hair, taking a deep breath.

 

“Reg,” Sirius said. Regulus glared at the nickname. What gave him the right to call him anything less than his full name. “She was going to ask about our family. She was going to ask about why you left.”

 

Regulus felt pale, choked. “Oh. Shit.” 

 

Sirius looked concerned, a little sad. “We won’t be able to keep our secrets hidden forever, Reg. Wouldn’t it be easier if we just made up, and publicly announced our relations?”

 

And that broke Regulus out of his choked, claustrophobic thoughts. “What?”

 

Sirius rolled his eyes, looking impatient. “I want to make up, Regulus. I want us to be brothers again. I want to know who you are.”

 

Regulus was shocked for a minute, before he just laughed coldly. “Really? Seven goddamn years, and now you want to be brothers? Now you care about being brothers ?”

 

Sirius glared. “I thought you were still in that house. I wanted nothing to do with that house. But I do want to know you. Can we at least have a conversation?”

 

Regulus was still laughing bitterly, cold and furious. “You want to have a conversation. A fucking conversation !?” When Sirius didn’t respond for a moment, Regulus just glared, laughing bitterly, and stormed off. He could vaguely hear Remus asking about the yelling as he walked swiftly down the hall. 

 

He didn’t want to be Sirius’s brother again. He didn’t want to go back to that. Never again.

Notes:

This is a rough chapter to end on before going on hiatus, but you gotta do what you gotta do. I might still decide not to go on hiatus, but for now, I need to set this one aside.

Hope you enjoyed, see you all in a couple of weeks xoxo

Chapter 16: Cardiac

Summary:

I'm baaaaack!!!!!!! kinda.

Notes:

Hiiiiiiiiii, my hiatus went on a lot longer than I expected it too... for multiple reasons!!! The return of the burnout and depression, school starting which made my burnout even worse, getting a second boyfriend who I used to date but broke up with me like eight months ago but I'm in a throuple now, burning my hand in the attempt to bake with my best friend, and also attempting to get a neuropsych appointment for the undiagnosed ADHD and autism <3 Also watch me disappear again after this because I have annihilated my posting schedule :D I apologize in advance

James loved Sirius. Really, he loved Sirius like a brother, one of the most important people in his life. However, as much as he loved Sirius, he was tired of hearing him rant about Regulus.

 

When James had woken up that morning, Regulus wasn’t there anymore. James was a little disappointed, at least until he saw his texts, and then he was just concerned. As happy as he was that Regulus decided to talk to his brother, James knew it wouldn’t end well. He was relieved when Regulus texted him.

 

8:27

 

Beautiful<3: Hey, James.

Beautiful<3: I’m going to go to lunch with Barty and Evan. I won’t be back for a couple of hours.

 

James: Okay love

James: How’d the meeting with Sirius go?

 

Regulus didn’t respond for a minute. 

 

Beautiful<3: Not great.

Beautiful<3: I’m fine though.

Beautiful<3: Sirius is probably going to bother you about it. Prepare yourself.

 

James: Oh god

James: I will love

James: Have fun<3

 

Beautiful<3: <3

 

Regulus wasn’t wrong. Sirius did bother him about it, calling him to go over to his and Remus’s room. When he had gotten there, Sirius was already pacing, ranting as he violently fisted his hair. Remus had been watching intently from the bed.

 

And now, two hours later, Sirius was still talking. James zoned out about five minutes ago.

 

“-He would just talk , and… Prongs? Hello? You paying attention?” Sirius said, pausing his pacing. James’s head snapped up, his thoughts dissipating. 

 

“Huh? Oh, yeah,” James said. “Have you tried, like, asking him out for food or something? Talk to him over lunch?”

 

Sirius sighed dramatically. “He won’t talk to me, James. That was the longest conversation we had, and it was only after I threatened to show up outside his room.” Sirius collapsed dramatically, leaning onto Remus’s shoulder. They were sweet. And stupid. Maybe someday soon, Remus would finally ask him out. Sirius glanced over at him curiously. “That was a little weird though. Not sure what he could’ve been hiding in there.”

 

James laughed a little softly. He hadn’t seen Regulus all morning. He missed him. “Probably had a guy over.”

 

Sirius laughed loudly. “Regulus? Fuck, no. That asshole couldn’t get a date, even if he wanted to. Too rude. Besides, he’s always been the straight one. Therefore, no guys.”

 

James almost laughed at that. “Sure, Pads. He just kind of gave me a vibe, y’know?”

 

Sirius seemed thoughtful for a second before shaking his head. “Nah. He was the perfect son type. The straight A’s straight boy that Walburga always wanted. I was the rebellious queer.” Sirius grinned.

 

“What?” Remus said sarcastically, rolling his eyes. “No. I thought you were just the most angelic child. Perfect son, really.” Sirius laughed, bumping shoulders with Remus who toppled into James. James just chuckled, gently shoving Remus off. That inevitably led to more shoving, loud laughter, and Sirius and James rolling around on the floor shoving each other as Remus sat against the bed, catching his breath.

 

They eventually calmed, breathing heavily on the floor. Sirius laid on Remus’s legs, his hand on his chest, while James sat against the dresser opposite the bed. They laughed breathlessly. This felt nice. It felt childish, young, like when they were teens, Sirius sneaking off to James’s after school, followed by a nervous, but smiling Remus. It was nice to go back there sometimes, and just have fun together.

 

After another hour or so of chatting, and laughing, James felt his phone vibrate in his pocket.

1:32

Beautiful<3: Just got back from lunch.

Beautiful<3: I’m in my room.

Beautiful<3: Want to come over?

 

James smiled softly at his phone. Sirius looked over at him curiously from where his head laid on Remus’s thighs.

 

“Whatcha smiling about?” Sirius asked, grinning. His hair flowed in a pool on the floor. James just chuckled, smiling warmly as he stood up.

 

“Nothing, nothing,” James said. “But I gotta go. See you at the show.” Sirius laughed.

 

“Yeah, yeah,” Sirius grinned. “Mystery lover? You better be telling us later!” James smiled. 

 

“Sure, Pads. Definitely,” James said, slipping on his shoes before walking out the door.

The minute James stepped through the door, Regulus was on him, kissing him gently. James chuckled, wrapping his arms around Regulus’s waist. Regulus winced, pulling away.

 

“Are… Are you okay, Reg?” James asked. Regulus gave him a pained smile. 

 

“Yeah,” he said, his smile wide, but still a little tight. “I’m fine. I missed you.”

 

James still gazed at him, concerned. “Are you sure you’re okay?” Regulus just rolled his eyes, walking backwards to sit on the bed, crossing his legs.

 

“I’m fine. Come here,” Regulus said, smiling. James did, stepping forward to kiss him again, one hand supporting him on the bed, and one cupping Regulus’s cheek. Regulus’s hand slipped into his hair, gently gripping the strands.

 

Regulus kept him close, even after the kiss ended. He didn’t seem to want to separate from him. They sat together, cuddling, Regulus’s arm draped over James’s waist as they watched reruns of Glee. Regulus seemed to like the show, watching with a small smile on his face.

 

“Did you know that Sirius thinks you’re straight?” James asked, talking over the kids singing Born This Way. Regulus snorted.

 

“Well he doesn’t know me very well,” Regulus said humorously, smirking slightly. “I don’t blame him though. I used to date a bunch of random women in high school.”

 

James looked at him, wide-eyed. “You. Regulus Black. My boyfriend.”

 

Regulus seemed to smile softly at the word before responding. “Yep. Didn’t talk to them all that much, though. I just kind of… let it happen, until they either got too irritating, or they got bored with me. I only really dated them in public though.”

 

James furrowed his brow. “What do you mean by that?”

 

Regulus shrugged. “I knew I liked guys. I knew that I only liked guys. I just dated them in private. Made it a lot easier to avoid my parents.”

 

James just stared at him. “Huh. Did the girls know?”

 

Regulus snorted. “Fuck no. They really did like me. I never figured out why, though. They never lasted long anyways. They usually got bored after a month or so.” James kind of just looked at him. The silence was… a little uncomfortable, until Regulus flopped over, laying on top of James.

 

James grunted as Regulus layed on top of him, nuzzling against his chest. James wrapped his arms around him, pulling him tightly into his chest. Regulus pressed a soft kiss to his chest, humming quietly.

 

“I can hear your heartbeat,” Regulus mumbled. “It’s nice.” James chuckled. He ran his fingers through Regulus’s soft curls.

 

They laid like that for a while, watching Glee together. Every once in a while, James leaned down to softly kiss Regulus. Hours passed, the clouds dancing past their window. The sun crawled slowly through the sky, but the two of them were still dulled to the passage of time.

 

They peeled themselves lazily out of bed with only a few hours until the concert. The sun was lowering, the sky slightly orange-tinted. They cheerily changed for the concert together. James was quick, he always was. He pulled on a red crop top and jeans. Simple, attractive, it was all he really needed. But Regulus? Regulus took his time, going through outfit after outfit.

 

Eventually Regulus chose, and wow . A sheer black short-sleeved top, embroidered with rose vines. James recognized it as one of the pieces that Regulus purchased, one that James loved. He wore black latex leggings, shining in the lamp light. Knee-length black-leather boots clipped as Regulus strutted around the room. He had a black lace choker on his neck, and large silver rings on his fingers. His hair was tousled, falling around his neck, messy enough to look unpurposeful, but nice enough for James to know how intricate it had to be.

 

“Stunning,” James grinned, placing his hands on Regulus’s sides, feeling the thin fabric of the top between his fingers. Regulus grinned. James could see the red sheen of lip gloss tinting his lips. James pressed forward to kiss him, but Regulus stepped away, laughing.

 

“Not now, baby,” Regulus grinned. 

They went to the venue together, before being pulled away to makeup. It was a bit disappointing. He had wanted to stay by Regulus’s side.

 

James watched from the sidelines as Serpentine played their setlist out on the stage. There was glittery silver eyeshadow on the edges of Regulus’s eyes, the light glinting on it. He looked incredible.

 

It was hard to understand the words Regulus said into the mic, but James could assume. It was the same stuff they said every show. The highlight was Regulus’s voice, beautiful and melodic. 

 

This song seemed simple, the lighting changing to a dull pink that washed over Regulus, accented with soft, dim blues. The song opened with heavy strums of guitar and bass, deep and warm.

 

“ Feeling sick of myself

Think I'll try to be someone else

Can't be hard to paint a person

In my head, create a version

The parallel”

 

James watched Regulus sing, leaned in close to the microphone. This song was softer than most of the ones Regulus sang, bathed in soft, dim hues. Regulus looked soft like this, his hips swaying to the rhythm. Regulus looked powerful like this, a god on the stage, able to build new life, or destroy in an instance. James wanted to kneel down and pray at his altar, offer his everything to the deity singing before him.

 

“Pull my head out the sand

Try as hard as I can

Guess I must be satisfactory

You said you love me exactly the way I am”

 

James locked eyes with Regulus for only a moment, a teasing glance thrown his way, a cherry-tinted smirk, just for him. It was warm, bringing a flush high onto James’s cheeks.

 

“And you know I find it hard to understand

Pay a visit to the doctor 'cause I have-”

 

Regulus glanced at James once more, leading the band into the chorus of Regulus’s warm vocals and the pulsing rhythms of the rest of the band.

 

“A sweet tooth for you

I'm wide awake

The sugar went straight to my brain

Feel like a kid, I double tap

My chest with my fist

I like you

Say it back”

 

And well. It wasn’t so much of a glance as Regulus staring straight at him, locking eyes.

 

“Say it back”

 

Regulus gave him a soft, warm smile before turning away. James returned it with flushed cheeks. Sirius and Remus walked from backstage, startling James. Sirius didn’t say anything, just giving him a curious look at the red staining his face. James just looked back out onto the stage.

 

“Never had a cavity

Never had nobody as sweet as you

Smooth around the edges, good as new

Gently insulating every rendezvous”

 

James grinned as Regulus softly sang. James could see a glimpse of a smile on Regulus’s face, small and gentle.

 

“Caught myself blaming planets

Like you do

I know every line and curve of your tattoos”

 

James huffed out a quiet chuckle. He found himself staring at that stick-and-poke of the Leo constellation on his shoulder. The angle shifted as Regulus moved, ever so slightly. He looked lovely.

 

“A sweet tooth for you

I'm wide awake

The sugar went straight to my brain

Feel like a kid, I double tap

My chest with my fist

I like you

Say it back

 

Say it back”

 

The music turned quiet, gentler. Regulus sang softer now, 

 

“Sweet tooth for you

My dreamin' space

It's filled with scribbles, tore the page

Decipher them with coloured paint

Repair the stitches in my veins”

 

The lighting was still soft, dim, but it turned more red now, pinks, and maroons, and crimsons painting Regulus’s skin. 

 

“Sweet tooth for you

My honeydew

I'll see you in my garden soon

Beneath the skin, it's cardiac

A safety pin”

 

Regulus glanced over, quickly glancing away when he saw Sirius, but there was still a small, gentle smile on his face.

 

“I like you

Say it back”

 

Regulus slowed down his singing, his voice quieter for the last few lines, fading out with a roll, the shiny sound of cymbals. There were a few more measures of guitar and bass before the song faded out, ending. The applause was roaring, and it was deserved. They were incredible. James could hear Regulus saying his goodbyes to the audience, before turning to James and smirking as he walked off stage, followed by the rest of the band.

 

Regulus walked past James. James could smell sweat on him, along with a vaguely floral scent, like roses, maybe.

 

“I like you,” James whispered, smiling, as Regulus passed him. Regulus stopped and turned, smiling widely.

 

“Say it back,” Regulus whispered sweetly in response.

Notes:

Song: Sweet Tooth by Cavetown because I have an unhealthy obsession with this song and just Cavetown in general

Next chapter is the start of the Black Brothers forgiveness arc, which is why I'm very sorry to say that my ability to post consistently is nonexistent right now, and I might post it in the next week, or you might only get it in like, December. Idk, love you guys and I hope you enjoyed

Chapter 17: Drowning and Burning

Summary:

Sirius sings a song for his brother

Notes:

Heyyyyyy, I'm still here, I promise

October is over and my schedule has been freed up for posting more chapters of Complications. I still haven't figured out a new schedule or how much I can actually get done in that span of time so updates are still going to be pretty erratic while I try and ease myself back into this.

Chapter warnings: Mentions of child abuse (Walburga and Orion being pieces of shit), smoking, and passive suicidal ideation

The Marauders were met with roaring applause as they stepped on the stage. Regulus watched from the sides, bored. He wasn’t here for the music, not really. He was just waiting for James. Then they could leave. God, Regulus wanted to leave.

 

Sirius’s voice was loud. Did he have to shout into the microphone like that? Regulus held his head, watching. 

 

“Hey Pittsburgh!!” Sirius exclaimed loudly, directly into the microphone. Regulus rolled his eyes. “How’re you doing tonight?” The crowd roared, screaming, crying out. Regulus rolled his eyes, catching a small glimpse of his brother’s grin. Regulus had never seen his brother smile quite so wide.

 

“We’re glad you’re here tonight,” Sirius said smiling, one hand on the mic, the other on his black and red guitar. “Our first song is a very special one, and I’m glad that you guys will be here to hear it. I, uh, I wrote it for someone I used to know. I wish I still did.” Sirius took his hand off the mic to run it through his hair, before placing it back on the mic. “That person, he knows who he is, and to him… I’m sorry. I miss you. And I hope you like the song.”

 

Regulus felt his eyes widen. No, no, no . He didn’t want this. He didn’t want this. He didn’t want this. He didn’t want this as Sirius inhaled deeply. He didn’t want this as Sirius’s hands started playing, a bit of a folky tune. He didn’t want this as Sirius began to sing.

 

“ Oh, brother of mine

It's been a long, long time

Since I've seen my face in your eyes”

 

Regulus felt his breath go shallower. He felt stiff, trapped, paralyzed. He was aware that Barty had placed his hand on Regulus’s shoulder, but he couldn’t feel it. He was aware that Barty was whispering something, but he couldn’t hear it. All he heard was the sound of Sirius singing, dulled, like water rushing through his ears. He felt choked here, listening to Sirius sing.

 

“Oh brother, I've returned

To my burn scars of birth

Charcoal and iron brought me back”

 

Regulus’s hand absentmindedly wandered to the tattoos on his left shoulder. A Leo constellation. A star. He saw one of Sirius’s hands press to his side. There were scars there, Regulus knew it. He used to constantly be covered in bruises and cuts. Regulus remembered bandaging his wounds as a kid. No seven year old should have known how to clean and bandage wounds, but he had. He remembered every time. He remembered every tear he had shed for his brother. He remembered every beating his mother had threatened, that Sirius had taken for him. He remembered every wound he had gathered after Sirius left, making up for lost time. 

 

“And I left you alone in a house, not a home

And I watched the burning grow as my hair filled with gray”

 

Regulus couldn’t help the stuttering of his breathing. He remembered his father holding him firmly by the shoulders as his mother lit the family tapestry alight, burning away Sirius’s name and face. The lighter used to belong to Sirius. He would sit with Regulus on the roof, staring at stars, and Sirius would use it to light a smoke. That was when they were able to just talk to each other, their calmest, happiest moments. At least, they were for Regulus. He always knew that Sirius was happiest when he was away.

 

“From the ashes that fell

The mountains I knew so well

Burned with hellfire in the blue light of midnight”

 

In the first few months after Sirius left, Regulus used to sit under the tapestry at night, his hand on the burnt, blackened spot where Sirius’s name and likeness used to sit. It was near Regulus’s own. He used to sit there and cry, sob quietly when his mother wasn’t there to watch.

 

“Brother, I watched the sky burn

And all I learned was smoke fills the lungs like a disease”

 

Regulus remembered the ashes, the smell of burning. He remembered holding back tears as his brother’s name was burnt away. He remembered the burns he used to get when he said Sirius’s name. Burning. Burning, burning, burning.

 

“Oh brother, I see

You burn like me

The singes on our skin like a brand”

 

Burns. Scars. Regulus was suddenly overly aware of how visible the scars on his back could be. Scars, just like the ones that Sirius had to have, silver in skin. They hurt the same, Regulus realized. Hurt the same, burnt the same, scarred the same.

 

“Oh brother, I confess

There is little of me left that could care about dousing the wildfire”

 

Regulus could hear Barty talking to him, asking if he was okay, but none of it really felt real. His cheeks felt warm, wet. He ran a knuckle across his cheek, catching tears on his hand. He hadn’t realized how hard he had been crying. Regulus just saw Sirius singing, singing, singing. This wasn’t his story to tell. It wasn’t his hurt.

 

“And I left you alone in a house, not a home

And I watched the burning grow as my hair filled with gray

From the ashes that fell

The mountains I knew so well

Burned with hellfire in the blue light of midnight

Brother, I watched the sky burn

And all I learned was smoke fills the lungs like a disease”

 

Regulus’s head hurt. His eyes stung and burned. Barty’s hand was in his hair, trying to calm him. His nails kept raking against his scalp. It didn’t soothe the ache, or the burning. Regulus could hear a guitar, and he could vaguely recognize that it was James. He didn’t want it to be James. He wanted James to be here, by his side, not playing on the stage, serenading the childhood that Regulus never got to have.

 

“Oh brother, did you know

You could just strike a match?

Hear him scream my name one last time”

 

Regulus had never wanted Sirius to burn, not like his mother had. He hadn’t wanted his pictures to be lit aflame, or to see his piece of the tapestry blackened to ash. He never wanted to see Sirius burn. He still didn’t. Seeing Sirius burn would destroy so much of Regulus. Sirius infected so much of him, he wasn’t sure it was possible to remove him at all.

 

“Oh brother, I am home in the fires of our youth

I could care less if it hurts you anymore”

 

Good. Regulus didn’t want him to care, not anymore. Not after years of waiting for the day that Sirius would come back. Not after wondering for months if Sirius was okay, or if he was dead in a ditch somewhere, only to find out that he had found a family, and left Regulus behind. Regulus didn’t need Sirius to care. He stopped needing it after he saw Sirius’s name for the first time since he left, alive and well, and smiling happier than Regulus had ever seen him do.

 

“And I left you alone in a house, not a home

And I watched the burning grow as my hair filled with gray

From the ashes that fell

The mountains I knew so well

Burned with hellfire in the blue light of midnight

Brother, I watched the sky burn

And all I learned was smoke fills the lungs like a disease”

 

Clapping, roaring applause. They were clapping. They were cheering him on. They shouldn’t be clapping. They shouldn’t be so excited, so overjoyed by this. This was Regulus’s life, his pain, his hurt. They had no right to cheer it on. Regulus felt bare, opened up, people laughing and cheering at the sticky insides that poured out. Sirius had no right to play this song, to share this devastation. Regulus had known it was a song, but Sirius had no right to play it. No right to even write it in the first place. Regulus was openly sobbing now, as Sirius spoke out to the crowd. How could he do that, just after baring all their hurt for everyone to see, all the things that they couldn’t talk about, talk to the audience of their pain? 

 

“Reg,” Barty said, wrapping a hand around his wrist and gently squeezing. “Come on. Let’s clean you up and get you out of here.”

 

Regulus didn’t respond, letting Barty pull him away. He caught a glimpse of James’s worried eyes before he left.

 

Barty dragged him off to a relatively clean bathroom, sitting Regulus on top of a sink. Regulus couldn’t help the broken sobs, and painful hiccups. Barty didn’t seem to mind, wetting a paper towel and gently wiping off makeup from his face. Regulus eventually stopped crying, sitting in silence.

 

“Where’s Evan?” Regulus asked eventually. His voice was croaky. His eyes stung from crying. Barty gently wiped away cherry-colored lip gloss.

 

“He’s out with Pandora. Sibling quality time,” Barty said, rubbing at Regulus’s skin. “Eyes closed.” 

 

Regulus abided. He could feel the cold, wet paper towel on his eyelids, scrubbing the glittery eyeshadow off. Barty pressed a kiss to Regulus’s forehead.

 

“You’re okay, Reg,” Barty mumbled. “You’re here, on tour, with me, Evan, Dora and Cas. You’re not back there. I promise.”

 

Regulus nodded. “I know. Thank you,” he whispered, rubbing his eyes. “I want to go home.”

 

“Hotel room home, or home home?” Barty asked softly. 

 

Regulus didn’t respond. Barty sighed.

 

“I'll take you to the hotel room, and you can sleep there, if you want. Evan said that he’ll be staying with Pandora for the night, so you can have the bed, and I’ll have the couch,” Barty said. Regulus opened his eyes to see Barty running an anxious hand through his hair. Regulus shook his head a little bit.

 

“James will come looking for me,” he said quietly, gently kicking his legs against the sink. Barty shrugged.

 

“Maybe. Do you care right now?” 

 

Regulus shook his head after a minute. “Nah. Let’s go.”

 

Regulus hopped off of the sink. He sighed as Barty gently grabbed his hand, gently pulling him out of the bathroom, and out of the venue. Regulus huffed as he pulled himself into the rental car that Barty had gotten. He didn’t like it nearly as much as the van, but it was acceptable. It would get them back to the hotel.

 

Barty gently pulled him up to the hotel room. Regulus felt so tired as he stepped in, collapsing down onto Barty’s bed. 

 

“I’m gonna take a shower,” Barty said, ruffling Regulus’s hair. Regulus just sighed.

 

“I want a smoke.”

 

“Then do it on the balcony,” Barty said, taking off his jacket. “You’re my friend, and I love you, and I’m letting you stay the night, but you know my rules. No smoking inside. It makes everything smell nasty.”

 

“Yeah, yeah,” Regulus said, pulling himself off the bed. He could hear the shower start as he opened the door to the balcony. He stepped outside, pulling his pack out of his pocket. He smoked when he felt his worst, stressed and anxious, because he needed it. He pulled out his lighter and lit the cigarette, taking a deep inhale, exhaling smoke.

 

It was easy to just sit out there with his thoughts, breathing in smoke. He knew he was killing his lungs. He knew that Pandora wanted him to stop, add years on his life. But it was easier to be like this, and listen to his mind, when he knew that he was slowly dying. 

 

It hurt to think. It hurt to wonder when Sirius wrote that song, or if James ever realized who it was for. Regulus was so incredibly tired of hurting. He just wanted to rest, fall back into the peaceful end, the blissful quiet. He couldn’t hurt there. 

 

He gazed down at the world below him as he smoked. It’d be so easy. And then he could just rest, forever embalmed in the peace, untouchable in the silence. He was so tired of hurting. He didn’t want to hurt anymore. 

 

He wondered what it would feel like, if it all ended here. Would the concrete hurt under his skin? He couldn’t imagine he’d be alive long enough to feel it. Honestly, he thought that it would be serene, gentle, if a bit cold. He wouldn’t hurt. Not anymore. That was such a beautiful thought, to cease the pain. He wondered what it would feel like to not hurt. It wasn’t something he was familiar with. He couldn’t remember a time when he wasn’t in pain, blood blooming in thick, cold water. He was sick of it, exhausted. He didn’t want to hurt anymore, didn’t want to ache. He was sick of the sight of red-tinted water.

 

Regulus could hear the shower turn off, the water dripping to a halt. Regulus sighed, putting out his cigarette and flicking it into the world below. He watched it fall to the ground before stepping inside.

 

Barty stepped out of the bathroom, rubbing at wild black hair with a towel. He had put on clothes in the bathroom, a loose black t-shirt and black sleep shorts. His cheeks were tinted pink from the shower heat.

 

“Have a good smoke?” Barty asked, tossing the towel over his shoulder. Regulus nodded. Barty smiled, teeth showing. “Good. You smell like smoke though. Take a shower and get some rest.” Regulus nodded silently, stepping past Barty, into the bathroom.

 

When Regulus came out of the bathroom, his curls damp, Barty was sitting in an armchair, on his phone, his legs draped over the side. The lights were turned off, the room only illuminated by the lights in the bathroom. Regulus shut off the lights in the bathroom. Barty didn’t move. Regulus got into bed, laying on his side. Barty still didn’t move. Regulus waited quietly, but Barty still didn’t move.

 

Eventually, Regulus rolled over looking at Barty. “Are you… Are you going to get into bed?” Barty looked up from his phone, staring at Regulus.

 

“Oh,” Barty said, shutting off his phone. “I wasn’t sure if you’d be okay with that.”

 

Regulus shrugged. “It’s fine.”

 

Barty got up and crawled into the bed, the mattress shifting under his weight. He stayed on the other side of the mattress, away from Regulus, who just let out a sigh. 

 

“You can come closer, you know,” Regulus huffed. “Besides, I could use some comfort.” It wasn’t the first time that Regulus had gone to Evan, or Barty for cuddles when he was upset. After all, he lived with Evan, and he was always there after a nightmare. It always helped, to have one of his best friends just be there for him, and hold him.

 

Barty moved closer and threw his arm over Regulus, holding him close. It was nicer, comforting. Regulus could breathe. He let out a soft, stuttered exhale. He didn’t fall asleep for a while, just leaning into Barty. Eventually he heard gentle snoring from Barty, lulling him gently into sleep. It took him a while, tired and hurting from his awful evening, but he eventually fell asleep, gently passing into his dreams.

Notes:

Song: Brother by Madds Buckley

So... I apologize. This was a rough chapter. But it's important, and I think it highlights the relationship between Regulus and Barty and how much trust Regulus has in his friends. And this is the start of the Black brothers reparation arc which is what I've decided to call it, and I'm very excited to show you guys what I have planned.

Hope you all enjoyed xoxo

Chapter 18: The Tattoo

Notes:

Hi, so I wasn't planning on posting this week. I was going to write a bunch, plan out a new posting routine, and then start posting within the next month, but I needed some comfort. I live in the U.S. as a genderfluid, biromantic, and demisexual person and for the past couple of days, it's kinda felt like the world was burning down around me, like there was nothing to look forward to (posting this a couple days after Trump won the 2024 election). On top of that, I've been trying to figure out how to cope for the next two months while I wait for my neuropsych evaluation, and I've been shutting down quite a bit at home, and my burnout is kind of getting bad again. I needed comfort right now, so I turned to this. It's something that makes me happy, and I hope it makes you guys happy too.

When Regulus awoke, Barty wasn’t in bed. That was probably a good thing to be honest. Regulus wasn’t sure that he wanted to wake up to anyone. At least, anyone who wasn’t James.

 

He hadn’t come for him after the show. Regulus didn’t give him the chance. He missed him like a lung, missed the way he brought Regulus so much comfort. Regulus was alone, not even Barty there, and Regulus just missed him more.

 

The door suddenly swung open, Barty walking in with an exhausted, but sweet looking James. Barty held a tray of coffees, and James held a set of clothes that Regulus recognized as his own. They were chatting friendlily. When did that happen? Barty looked over, realizing that Regulus was awake, sitting up in the bed.

 

“Hey, Reg,” Barty said, energized. The front part of his hair was tied up, showing off his extensive piercings. He looked clean. “So, James here was bombarding your phone, so I told him where you were. He came with me to pick up some coffee.”

 

Regulus just nodded silently. James smiled at him. He looked tired, like he hadn’t slept, dark shadows creeping under his eyes. Regulus returned the smile, always soft for James. James stepped towards him, Barty calling out behind him.

 

“Oh, James, I wouldn’t-”

 

James kissed Regulus lightly on the forehead, Regulus smiling softly, leaning into it. Barty stared at them, mouth agape.

 

“Who are you, and what have you done with Regulus?” Barty asked, his eyes wide. Regulus laughed. Barty narrowed his eyes. “The Regulus I know would rather die than be touched in the morning. Especially after… Well, last night.”

 

Regulus stuck out his tongue at him. “Maybe I just like James more than you.” Barty let out an indignant gasp.

 

“How dare you!” Barty said, unable to hide the joking smile that crept onto his face. Regulus chuckled, James sitting down next to him, their hands touching. He was almost a little desperate for the touch.

 

Barty’s smile softened. “In all seriousness, Reggie, I’m happy for you. Even if your taste in men is absolutely atrocious. I mean honestly, couldn’t you at least have picked someone with a brain?”

 

Regulus snorted as James let out an offended gasp. “Trust me, I know. I don’t even know why I like him so much! He’s such an idiot.”

 

James nudged Regulus’s shoulder. “Excuse you! The idiot in question is here, you know.”

 

Regulus smiled. “I know. Doesn’t make it any less true.” James gasped, eliciting laughs from Barty and Regulus, and well. That set the tone of the conversation. Regulus hadn’t expected Barty to be as fond of James as he was, laughing at his jokes and smiling at him, but Regulus was an idiot to have assumed otherwise. James had this magnetic sort of warmth that tended to pull in the people who wanted to be pulled in the least. Regulus shouldn’t have expected anything less.

 

After a while of talking, laughing, smiling, the door opened and Evan rushed in, Pandora following after him. Regulus waited as, unsurprisingly, Dorcas stormed in after, her eyes dark.

 

“Regulus!” Evan exclaimed, panic in his eyes. “Barty texted me and told me what happened. Are you alright? Do you need anything? Are you feeling better?” Regulus smiled sheepishly.

 

“Good morning to you too, Evan,” Regulus said, rolling his eyes. Evan’s eyes focused on James, giving him a murderous glare.

 

“You,” Evan said, balling his fists. “Some fucking nerve you have, coming here after being a part of this, and using his fucking past for some sick fame fantasy-”

 

“Evs, stop,” Barty said, crossing his arms. “I invited him over. He was worried about Reg, so I let him in to see him.”

 

Evan turned to him furiously. “What the fuck, B? After what he did, you let him in? To see Regulus? What the hell were you thinking?”

 

“Um… What did I do?” James asked, raising his hand. Evan turned back to him, glaring.

 

“Don’t pretend you don’t fucking know! Are you that fucking stupid?”

 

“Evan, stop,” Regulus said, rolling his eyes. “He didn’t know. Sirius is apparently a shit communicator, and never mentioned his little brother to his best friend.”

 

James’s eyes widened. “Oh. Shit. That song was about you, wasn’t it?”

 

Regulus nodded, rolling his eyes once again. “Yep.”

 

James ran a hand through his hair. “Fuck. I’m so sorry, Reg. I didn’t know, I promise. Sirius was always so vague about the songs he wrote, and… I’m so sorry, Reg. You… you didn’t need to be reminded of that. I’m sorry.”

 

“It’s fine, James. I know you didn’t know,” Regulus said, leaning into him. He watched Evan take deep breaths, some of that fury draining from his eyes. 

 

“But it’s not-”

 

“James,” Regulus interrupted with a glare. “I don’t blame you, and I don’t think any of them do either.”

 

“I do,” Evan and Dorcas said simultaneously, raising a hand. Regulus ignored them.

 

“You’re fine, baby. You haven’t done anything wrong. At least not purposefully,” Regulus said with a soft smile. James let out a shaky exhale, pulling him close and kissing him on the forehead.

 

“Thank you, love,” James said softly. Regulus leaned into him happily, leading to a chorus of teasing ‘ awww ’’s from Regulus’s friend (mostly Pandora). He didn’t care. He could feel that there was too much pressure on his hip, where a new tattoo sat. Right. He had forgotten about it. James would love it though.

 

After a few minutes, Regulus pulled away, looking at his friends. “Well, if there’s nothing else you want to say, James and I will be leaving.”

 

Barty shrugged. “See you later, Reg.”

 

Evan looked like he wanted to say something, but Regulus glared at him. Evan scowled, but remained silent. Dorcas glared at James but stayed silent as well. Pandora just smiled at him. He happily returned it, gently pulling James as he stood up.

 

“Bye,” Regulus said, before tugging James out the door.

 

Regulus pulled James to his own room. He tugged James with him, down onto the bed. He loved him. How could he not? Still, he couldn’t say it. He couldn’t bring the words to exit his lips. Showing it would be easier though. He could show him. That was something he could do.

 

He kissed James as they fell into the bed, the slightest brush of lips before they were pulled apart by gravity. They were reunited in a warm kiss as James fell on top of Regulus, eliciting a sharp exhale from Regulus. Their faces remained close, and so Regulus pushed forward, kissing James roughly. There was nothing more that he wanted to do. 

 

Regulus’s hands found their way into James’s hair, as James’s hands slipped under Regulus’s t-shirt. It was odd to realize that he wasn’t alarmed or put-off by it. He let James go, slowly slipping off Regulus’s shirt as they kissed. Regulus just let it happen. It didn’t feel wrong. It usually would’ve felt wrong. It just felt a little… odd, he supposed. But he let it happen. He didn’t mind it happening.

 

He felt his shirt slip off, James pulling away for only a few minutes to fold the t-shirt neatly, before leaning back in to kiss Regulus. 

 

“You’re beautiful,” James mumbled softly against his lips. Regulus grinned, gently grabbing James’s hand and gently pressing it to his hip. James looked down, confused. Regulus watched his eyes widen with a grin on his face.

 

“Regulus… What is this?” James asked, his finger gently tracing the outline of a sun on Regulus’s left hip, bordered by elegantly drawn roses on one side. Regulus grinned.

 

“You smile like the sun,” Regulus murmured, tracing a thumb over his bottom lip. James just kept reverently running a finger over the lines. 

 

“I love you,” James said suddenly, blurted out. Regulus felt his eyes widen, his cheeks flush. James’s eyes were still locked on the tattoo. “You don’t have to say it back. I just want you to know it.”

 

Regulus wanted to say it back. He desperately wanted to say it back, because he knew he would’ve meant it. He just couldn’t get it past his lips. He couldn’t get himself to say it, even though it was true. But that was okay. That would have to be okay, at least for now. Someday he would say it. He promised himself that. But now, he could let himself get lost in the way James looked at him, as though he were divine, a god for him to worship. 

 

“So you like it?” Regulus asked softly, brushing a hand through James’s curls. James looked up finally, gazing softly into Regulus’s eyes.

 

“Are you kidding?” James asked, smiling. “I love it. It’s beautiful.”

 

“It’s you,” Regulus said softly. James didn’t respond. He just kissed Regulus softly. Short and sweet, a gentle press of lips. “Stay here with me. I want to sit here, and watch movies, and order food. Couple shit, like lovers do.”

 

James smiled. “Of course, love,” he said, rolling over to lay down next to him. “Do you want to order some food?”

 

“Mhm,” Regulus said, laying down, his head on James’s shoulder. “Pizza. Margherita, please.”

 

James sat with him, watching movies and eating pizza all day, in between soft, loving kisses. They didn’t need to leave the room. They didn’t want to. It was Regulus laying on James’s thighs as they watched the Sweeney Todd movie. It was them sitting cross-legged on the bed, eating slices of pizza, and talking over the TV. It was them singing together. It was them writing music, listening to each other hum the melodies in their heads. It was just them.

 

Eventually, they did have to emerge from their comfortable paradise, to pack and to get going. It was easy to pretend that their celebrity status was nonexistent, and they were simply normal people when they just sat there. It was harder to disillusion themselves when they were taking plane rides to different cities where hundreds of people were waiting to see them.

 

It was becoming a pattern of Regulus sitting next to James. Regulus would always take the window seat, and James would always sit next to him on the aisle. They would listen to music, or watch movies, and talk quietly when everyone else had fallen asleep. James’s hand rested on top of Regulus’s, drawing little patterns with his thumb. The lights had gone low, and there were the slight sounds of their friends snoring. They were listening to music through Regulus’s headphones. Ballad of Jane Doe, from the Ride the Cyclone soundtrack. This wasn’t the sort of music Regulus tended to share. It wasn’t what people expected a musician like him to listen to. It was alright though, because it was James. Regulus leaned over and kissed James’ jaw before leaning his head on his shoulder.

 

“Reg…” James said cautiously, glancing over at Sirius. Regulus rolled his eyes, a hand in James’s hair.

 

“Relax, Jamie,” he said, pressing another kiss to James’s jaw. “He’s asleep. We’re fine. Your friend won’t get mad at you for kissing his little brother.”

 

James’s cheeks flushed. “That’s not-”

 

“James,” Regulus cut him off. “It’s fine. I get it. You don’t want Sirius to be mad at you. I’m not going to get in between you two.”

 

James smiled. “I… Thanks. I love you.” Regulus hummed in approval, resting his head on James’s shoulder. James gently pulled his face up for a kiss.

 

“What about Sirius?” Regulus asked sarcastically, keeping James’s face close. James shrugged and kissed him again, gentle, sweet. Regulus pulled away, leaning on James sleepily.

 

“I’m going to get some rest. Mind if I use your shoulder?” Regulus said. He didn’t wait for approval before placing his head on James’ shoulder, closing his eyes. James chuckled, and pressed a kiss to his head. Regulus hummed softly as he dozed off, warm from James’s touch. He couldn’t help thinking, as he slipped off, that he loved James. He loved the man by his side so much. He hoped that someday he would find a way to say it.

Notes:

I truly hope that you enjoyed this chapter since it was kind of soft and cheerful, and if you're a queer American (like me) (wish I wasn't), good luck. Be yourself, if you're safe to. Protect yourself and be safe.

xoxo

Chapter 19: Liar

Notes:

Hiiiiii guess who's trying to get a schedule?????

My plan is to post once every two weeks in the hopes that I'll be able to actually get a chapter done and not burn myself out :)

Love you guys, and I hope I'll be able to post regularly

James gently shook Regulus awake as the plane flew over Baltimore, the sun rising outside the window.

 

“Reggie, baby,” James whispered. Regulus groaned, nuzzling into James’s shoulder. “Baby, we’re landing. Sirius will be waking up soon.”

 

Regulus groaned again, clinging to James’s arm. He was so cute like this, clingy, and sweet, and sleepy. “Five more minutes…”

 

James chuckled. “When we get to the hotel, love. For now, you have to be awake.” Regulus pouted, his eyes still shut tightly.

 

“Fine…” Regulus said grumpily, yawning. He sat up, stretching his arms. “Buy me coffee?”

 

“Once you wake up fully,” James said, nodding. Regulus smiled, hummed. He slowly blinked his eyes open, looking up at James sweetly.

 

“Good morning,” Regulus said, his voice still cute and sleepy. James smiled, pulled him close, Regulus gently wrapping his arms around him.

 

“Good morning,” James said, releasing Regulus. He smiled softly. He heard Sirius groan in the row across from them, yawning loudly.

 

“Moonyyy,” Sirius groaned, turning his face into Remus’s shoulder, who blinked awake.

 

“Morning, Pads,” Remus said groggily. He looked up to James. “Morning, Prongs.” James nodded in greeting.

 

“Hey, Remus. Sleep well?” James smiled. Remus shrugged. 

 

“Not really. Planes, y’know?” Remus said, stroking Sirius’s hair. James nodded. Remus turned his attention back to a very tired looking Sirius, who was still leaning into Remus’s shoulder.

 

James watched the plane wake up, becoming brighter and more awake as the plane began to land. Barty and Evan woke up groggy together, mumbling to each other. Pandora just seemed to be awake, talking cheerfully as soon as Barty and Evan were able to listen. Dorcas woke up annoyed, seemingly because Marlene was playfully poking her. She woke up shouting as Marlene laughed. It was nice listening to them all chat, alive and happy. James realized that they all had such bright, shining personalities. He was glad that they were happy, all of them, even Evan and Dorcas who he was fairly sure still didn’t like him. Seeing people happy always made him happy.

 

When the plane ended, Regulus and James chose to be alone together, pulling away from the group to spend time together, heading to the hotel alone. They just wanted to be together.

 

Regulus sat on the bed, scribbling furiously in a leather-cover notebook while James sat next to him, hand on his thigh. He didn’t know what Regulus was scribbling, but James didn’t mind, just sitting there, kissing Regulus on the cheek every once in a while as he listened to a song. One of Regulus’s. Something soft and emotional, a song called ‘Juliet’. James had put it on his playlist before he knew Regulus’s name, or how sweet he could be, or how beautiful he was when laughed. He wondered when Regulus wrote it, who he could’ve written it for. Maybe just himself.

 

“What’cha writing, Reg?” James asked, leaning over to peer into the journal, his head next to Regulus’s. One of his earbuds was in his hand, quietly playing through the end of the song. Regulus chuckled, turning his head to softly kiss James.

 

“Just some lyric ideas,” Regulus responded with a soft smile. “I suppose I had some inspiration. I decided to rewrite an old song of mine. I haven’t touched it in a while, but… Well, I got inspired.”

 

James hummed, intrigued. “Care to share?” Regulus smiled, but still shook his head.

 

“Not yet,” Regulus said. “Eventually.”

 

James shrugged, kissing Regulus’s forehead. They sat happily together, letting time slip by. Regulus kept scribbling rapidly, going through page after page of lined paper. James listened as Regulus hummed little melodies. James couldn’t wait for the day he would hear them in full.

 

Time seemed to pass right by in their little bubble of sleep and TV and music, the daylight slipping past them. Every so often, James would order them food. They would eat while they watched TV, and Regulus would go right back to writing. Eventually, James got him to put down the notebook with a warm smile.

 

“Come on, love. Take a break,” James said, easing the notebook out of Regulus’s hands. Regulus chuckled, brushing a lock of hair out of his face. He snatched back the notebook, pulling it close to his chest.

 

“But I’m working…” Regulus said, his eyes soft. James looked at him sternly.

 

“Regulus,” James said. Regulus just laughed.

 

“Fine, fine,” he said with a small smirk. “But, in exchange, you’re taking me on a proper date tomorrow. Okay?” James grinned.

 

“Okay,” he replied warmly, pulling Regulus into him. Regulus leaned up to press a small kiss to his jaw. “Want to get some dinner?”

 

“Are you planning on paying?” Regulus asked, grinning. James chuckled.

 

“Of course, love.”

Eventually, James did get Regulus out of the hotel to go to dinner. They had spent far too long getting ready, finding themselves in a bit of a rush before the concert, but James still dragged him out, texting both their bands about their absence at sound check.

 

James called them an Uber as they stood at the front of the hotel. They were holding hands. That felt normal now. They were almost always touching, every moment that they could and it felt normal. 

 

James had found a place he thought Regulus would like. A little Italian bistro about fifteen minutes away. It was a cute little place with outdoor seating. It was a very traditional, movie-type place, the kind where a couple would go in a romance movie for a romantic date. James supposed that was what he was going for. They hadn’t really had that, had they? They spent so much time together, but they had barely gone on any dates. James supposed he wanted to make up for that.

 

The hostess led them to a table in the back, circular, with two red-cushioned chairs. There was a red and white checkered tablecloth and a candle on top of the table. Regulus looked lovely bathed in the candlelight as James pulled out his chair. Regulus chuckled.

 

“Always the gentleman,” Regulus said, joking. James smiled and sat down in his own spot.

 

“Only for you, my love,” James said, watching Regulus’s face turn pink in the candlelight. James reached across the table to hold Regulus’s hand. “You look lovely tonight.”

 

Regulus raised an eyebrow. “You’ve been with me literally all day.”

 

“And? You still look lovely.”

 

“I look and smell like I’ve been sweating on a plane for seven hours.”

 

“Regulus,” James said, holding back a laugh. “Let me be romantic. Please.”

 

Regulus laughed, clear and warm. “Fine.”

 

James lifted Regulus’s hand to his lips and kissed it, his lips gracing over slender fingers. He glanced up at Regulus, grinning. “I love you.”

 

Regulus just smiled.

 

Eventually, after much deliberation, they ordered their food. James got lobster ravioli and a caesar salad on the side. Regulus ordered a seafood pasta with scallops and shrimp. And James had no problem ordering them each a glass of wine.

 

James watched quietly as Regulus sipped his wine and told stories of his life. Adventures with Barty and Evan, running laughing through dark city streets, Art projects and new hobbies he started with Pandora, Dorcas’s disasters with doing his makeup. They were all said warmly, with so much affection. James could feel how much he cared for them. James felt the absence of stories about his childhood, about Sirius. He didn’t press.

 

“Y’know, Barty had a real rebellious streak for the first few years after he left home,” Regulus said, talking cheerily. “He cut all his hair off in Evan’s bathroom, pierced his ears, did a really crappy stick and poke on the back of his hand. It said ‘fuck you’ on his middle finger.” Regulus laughed. “He also had some, uh… problems with the law. I would steal money from my parents to bail him out of jail, and when they found out… Well, they weren’t happy that I was friends with a ‘deviant delinquent criminal’. Thought I would turn out like Sirius.” He laughed again. 

 

“They weren’t entirely wrong,” James said. Regulus looked at him, a little surprised before staring sadly down at the table.

 

“No,” Regulus said firmly. “I’m not like him.”

 

“I mean, in a way-”

 

“ I’m not like him ,” Regulus said sharply. He took a deep breath. “Sorry. I’m sorry. But I’m not. Like him, that is. I didn't abandon anyone to go live out a rockstar fantasy. I left with no reason to stay.”

 

“Would you have stayed?” James asked, his hand on Regulus’s. “If Sirius had been there with you. If you had someone who was there, would you still have stayed? Even though you weren’t happy there.”

 

Regulus opened his mouth to speak, but he hesitated, and that was all James needed to see to know. 

 

“Maybe you should just… talk to him, Reg. I don’t know, at least get to know why he left?” James suggested. Regulus looked up angrily. He pulled his hand away from James’s.

 

“No,” Regulus said, stiff. “No, James. Never.”

 

“Reg-”

 

“James,” Regulus said, soft and pained. “No.”

 

James didn’t ask any more after that. The conversation fizzled out. They waited silently until their food came. They stayed silent while they ate. The food tasted like ash in James’s mouth. Regulus was silent as James paid the bill, and James was silent as Regulus finished the wine in his glass. They stayed silent during the Uber ride to the venue, before quiet, uncomfortable goodbyes as they separated.

 

James wandered alone around the venue until he was pulled away into makeup by Cerci, who had apparently been looking for him. He didn’t speak, didn’t joke or socialize with the makeup artists, or chat with Sirius while they worked. He just sat silently as his face was covered in layers of makeup.

 

After his makeup had been done to the artists’ satisfaction, he went out to stand by the stage and watch Regulus. Sirius was by his side, and Remus by his. Regulus was swaying as the band played the final notes of a song. Once the notes had cut off, and the crowd’s applause had trickled out, Regulus leaned into the microphone to talk to the crowd.

 

“So, this will be our final song tonight,” Regulus said. His clothes had changed. He was wearing a dark blue sheer top with bird designs threaded into it. “Um, I actually chose this shirt for this song. This is one of my songs that I wrote when I was in highschool. I had suffered probably the most devastating event of my life, and I remember looking out my bedroom window, and seeing two birds. And then there was one.”

 

Regulus took a deep breath. James could see Evan count them off before Regulus started to sing.

 

“ Two birds on a wire

One tries to fly away

And the other watches him close from that wire

He says he wants to as well

But he is a liar”

 

James heard a choked noise from Sirius and looked over. Sirius’s hand was over his mouth, and his eyes were wide, locked on Regulus, who was bouncing on the balls of his feet as he sang.

 

“I'll believe it all

There's nothing I won't understand”

 

Regulus glanced over bitterly at Sirius, quickly looking back to the audience. The world seemed to go quiet, closing in on Regulus.

 

“I'll believe it all

I won't let go of your hand”

 

Regulus reached out a hand to the audience as Sirius reached a hand out to Regulus. They closed their hands at the same time, slowly pulling their hands back. James could see Sirius fiddling with a ring on one of his fingers. Regulus turned his face away from the audience, away from where James and Sirius were standing.

 

“Two birds on a wire

One says, "C'mon" and the other says, "I'm tired"

The sky is overcast and I'm sorry 

One more or one less

Nobody's worried”

 

Sirius’s eyes turned mournful. James could see it as Remus gently grabbed his hand, holding it tightly. James could almost remember a moment in their teens, outside with Sirius, watching him run up and ask a small, thin, dark-haired boy to hang out with them. That was Regulus, James realized. James could’ve helped him, if only he had bothered to wonder about him back then.

 

“I'll believe it all

There's nothing I won't understand

 

I'll believe it all

I won't let go of your hand”

 

Sirius’s fists clenched as it went into a short instrumental section that was clearly of Pandora’s design. His eyes looked panicked, almost afraid.

 

“Two birds of a feather

Say that they're always gonna stay together

But one's never going to let go of that wire

He says that he will

But he's just a liar”

 

Sirius stared at Regulus, his eyes pained. James wanted to hug him. He wanted to hug both of them, hold them tight. His best friend and his boyfriend, they were hurting. James wanted to help them. He couldn’t do anything to ease their pain.

 

“Two birds on a wire

One tries to fly away and the other

Watches him close from that wire

He says he wants to as well, but he is a liar”

 

The song ramped up, a chaotic loud instrumental portion. James saw Regulus wipe his eyes and take a deep breath. He turned to Sirius, who was trying not to cry. James knew he didn’t want to ruin his eyeliner just before the show. He wished that Sirius could just cry, just feel the feelings bubbling up inside him.

 

“Two birds on a wire

One tries to fly away and the other”

 

The song ended, Regulus releasing a choked breath. He gave a sad, pained smile.

 

“I’m sorry, everyone,” Regulus said. “That… that was a very personal song for me. I’ll turn the microphone over to Barty here for our goodbyes. Thank you for coming out tonight.” The crowd whooped and cheered as Regulus handed the microphone to Barty, who gently patted him on the back.

 

“We’ve got to go, guys. Enjoy the Marauders and have an incredible night!” Barty said, a charismatic grin on his face. The crowd cheered and applauded as they walked off the stage. Barty and Evan were both next to Regulus, their arms wrapped around him.

 

“Pads,” James murmured, placing his hand on Sirius’ shoulder. “Are you okay?”

 

“Yeah,” Sirius said with a sad smile, brushing James’s hand off. “I’m fine, Prongs. Let’s go perform.”

 

James hesitantly nodded. He led Sirius onto the stage holding his hand.

 

Notes:

Song: Two Birds by Regina Spektor (listened to this song about 7432 too many times)

THINGS WILL BE GETTING BETTER SOON I PROMISE JUST HANG ON

Hope you enjoyed xoxo

Chapter 20: Dominos

Notes:

I HAVE A POSTING SCHEDULE WOOOOOOOOOO Also Lucinda I know you're seeing this and fuck you for commenting without reading /lh

“Good evening, Baltimore!” Sirius said into the microphone. The smile on his face looked plastic, fake, a mask over the overwhelming emotion James knew he was feeling. After so much time as his friend, James could practically see the tide of emotion rushing over Sirius. “It’s great to see all of you out here tonight.”

 

Cheering, applause. James could see Sirius’s smile soften. Sirius glanced over to James, who nodded in response. James turned back to Remus and Marlene who nodded in return. Remus counted them off before starting the percussive intro of the song.

 

“ I can't break the cycle, am I just a fool?

Falling down like dominoes, hit by family jewels”

 

This was one of Sirius’s favorites to sing, and one of James’s favorites on sound. It wasn’t necessarily their ‘normal’ type of music, but it was a song that was so important to Sirius. Every part of it was Sirius, and Sirius’s hurt. James had watched him in the months after they had taken him in, sitting for hours at the piano in the sitting room of James’s childhood home, writing and writing and writing. He stole away with James’s guitar at night to practice and write, and write more. He had been so restless then. Every moment he wasn’t with James and Remus, or in school, he was writing, letting out the emotions that had built up inside him. James had never stopped Sirius from taking the guitar. James knew he needed it.

 

“Pass it down from kid to kid, the chain will never end

'Less I decide to go to it, will I see the end?”

 

James was the first person Sirius played this song for. It was the first song Sirius wrote after leaving. He only made it halfway through the song before breaking down and crying. James was there for him when he did. They ended up sleeping on the roof, under the stars, and sneaking back in before the sun rose.

 

“Ooh, don't you find it strange?

Only thing we share is one last name

Did I beat you at your own game?

Typical of me to put us all to shame”

 

James never needed to ask about the lyrics to this song. He knew it in the sadness of Sirius’s eyes. Sirius would go up to the roof at night when he needed to cry. He would stare at the stars. James always wondered who he was looking for up there.

 

“Welcome to the family jewels

Coal to diamond, sold to fools

Welcome to the family jewels

Simmerin' sapphire can't keep his cool

I can't keep my cool

I can't keep my cool”

 

Sirius never wanted the life he had. James knew that more than anyone. He had seen Sirius at his lowest points, and he had been there to lift him up. James looked over to Sirius, who was singing passionately. He wasn’t moving too much, just looking out at the audience with so much emotion, so much more than they would ever understand.

 

“Family said that I decided to live a loveless life

Is it my fault we stay divided? 'Cause I got too much pride

Pass the parcel, wrap, unwrap, and open up the locks

Out come flying all the secrets of Pandora's box”

 

James never wanted to see anything more than his best friend being happy. Back before Sirius left, James would have given anything to see him smile. He couldn’t stop wondering what sort of monsters his parents were to deny him happiness. 

 

“Oh, you think I'm unfit

Little did you know that I was cut for it

No glass slipper will ever fit

'Cause I could never see a diamond in it

 

Welcome to the family jewels

Coal to diamond, sold to fools

Welcome to the family jewels

Simmerin' sapphire can't keep his cool

I can't keep my cool

I can't keep my cool”

 

Even though Sirius’s eyes were so, so sad, there was happiness there, James could see it. Even though he was hurting, he was free now, and he was happier. That made James smile.

 

“And when we're in the dark, it echoes in your heart

And when you're far away, it beckons me to stay

And when we're in the dark, it echoes in your heart

And when you're far away, it beckons me to stay”

 

James never figured out who this part was about. It was all built from Sirius, from his experiences and emotions, and who could Sirius possibly want to stay for? James realized now that it was probably Regulus. He wondered if Regulus knew that.

 

“Welcome to the family jewels

Coal to diamond, sold to fools

Welcome to the family jewels

Simmerin' sapphire can't keep his cool

 

Welcome to the family jewels

Coal to diamond, sold to fools

Welcome to the family jewels

Simmerin' sapphire can't keep his cool

 

I can't keep my cool

I can't keep my cool”

 

They were met with roaring applause. James grinned out at the audience, giving them a dramatic little bow. He heard Sirius huff out a small sigh, before speaking into the microphone.

 

“I, uh, I wrote that song when I was about sixteen, seventeen. Somewhere around there,” Sirius said. “It means a lot to me. Most of my songs do. This one specifically… I wrote it with a piece of my heart.” The crowd cheered. James saw Sirius smile, before turning to Remus and nodding as they got counted off into their next song.

 

It was a good show. An excellent one, really. Their audience loved them and was more than enthusiastic. Still James could see the exhaustion in Sirius’s eyes after they finished. Remus was by his side, sitting on Sirius’s amp. James walked up to them, and placed a hand on Sirius’s shoulder.

 

“You okay, Sirius?” he asked. Sirius looked up at him with a sad smile, wiping away a tear with the back of his sleeve.

 

“I’m fine. You’re not running off again tonight?”

 

James shook his head. “Nah. I figured you’d want me here.” Sirius smiled.

 

“Come on, Pads. We can buy a couple tubs of ice cream and watch movies,” James said, giving him a reassuring smile. “You can pick the movies.”

 

Sirius tried to grin, but it came out as a grimace, and nodded. James grabbed his hand and pulled him up.

 

Back home, James hosted a monthly movie night for all his friends. It was tradition, routine. It happened the same way every time. Lily would arrive first and take it upon herself to make an ungodly amount of popcorn that they would somehow manage to finish. Mary would arrive second with a pile of blankets and strong opinions on which movie they should watch. She would end up helping Lily with the snacks. Peter would show up third, with board games that they could play if they couldn’t agree on a movie. Then Marlene would come, a bag of assorted candies in her hands, and a bottle of alcohol in a bag. That bottle would end up empty by the end of the night. Lily and Remus were always designated drivers. Sirius and Remus would arrive last with the exact same movie choices they always did. Sirius would jump on James and hug him, while Remus smiled and watched, holding some sort of desert that he baked. Usually something chocolate.

 

They couldn’t quite have their movie night here, on tour, but they could get close enough.

 

They holed up in Remus and Sirius’s room, tubs of ice cream and boxes of chocolate cookies in hand. They sat on the bed, buried in extra blankets they had found in the closet, and bickered about the same three movie options they always did in between swigs of beer and spoonfuls of ice cream.

 

“James, please tell Remus that I will be picking the movie, and therefore we will be watching ‘But I’m a Cheerleader’,” Sirius said, refusing to look at Remus, whose mouth was already open in retort.

 

“James, tell Sirius that he watches ‘But I’m a Cheerleader’ every other fucking night and he doesn’t need to watch it again. Plus, ‘ The Perks of Being a Wallflower’ is an excellent comfort film.”

 

“I don’t know,” James said with a grin. “I think we should watch ‘Monty Python and the Holy Grail’.” He suggested it every time. It was his favorite movie, ever since he was thirteen. 

 

Sirius groaned. “You always want to watch fucking Monty Python, James. Be more original.”

 

“And? You always suggest ‘But I’m a Cheerleader’.”

 

“It’s a queer cult classic!”

 

They ended up watching Beetlejuice and eating ice cream in the dark. 

 

James fell asleep halfway through the movie, his tub of dulce de leche ice cream half eaten on the nightstand. He woke up with Sirius half on top of him, half on Remus. That wasn’t particularly surprising. Sirius slept like a starfish. 

 

What could be surprising was the tender way Remus’s arm was wrapped around him, James’s taller friend snuggled up close to Sirius. James gave them a soft smile. He was happy for them. 

 

James grabbed his phone. It was lying on the nightstand beside the now melted ice cream. There were texts from Regulus from last night. James missed him a little bit. He loved his friends, but he missed Regulus’s presence. 

 

12:48

Beautiful<3: Hi

Beautiful<3: Can I talk to you?

 

8:32

James: I’ll be over in fifteen minutes

James: I love you

 

James slowly crept out from under a snoring Sirius. He snuck across the room and slipped on his shoes.

 

“Where are you going?”

 

James turned to see Remus, still close to Sirius. James smiled. “I have someone to go see.”

 

“He’s going to wonder where you are when he wakes up,” Remus said. James nodded.

 

“I know,” he said. “Keep him company for me.”

 

Remus sighed, but he didn’t speak again. James walked out of the hotel room and went to Regulus’s.

 

Regulus opened the door before James had the chance to knock, his hair was messy, pressed flat on one side. “I’m sorry,” he said.

 

“How did you know I was here?” James asked. 

 

“I heard your footsteps. Anyways, I’m sorry.”

 

James furrowed his brow, puzzled. “You’re sorry? For what exactly?”

 

Regulus frowned. “For snapping at you yesterday, and ruining our date. I shouldn’t have done that.”

 

“Baby, you’re allowed to be pissed at me-”

 

“I know,” Regulus replied, quick. “But I wasn’t mad at you. I just… I just didn’t want to face my past. I’m sorry, James. I shouldn’t have taken that out on you.”

 

“Okay,” James said lightly. He didn’t particularly mind. He knows family is a rough spot for Sirius. He should’ve expected the same for Regulus.

 

Regulus looked like he wanted to reply, but instead he just nodded. “Okay,” he said, smiling for only a moment before it slipped back off of his face. “I was… I was thinking about what you said and… okay.”

 

“Okay?” James asked, confused. Regulus nodded.

 

“I’ll talk to Sirius, as long as you plan it,” Regulus said, giving James a small smile. James grinned.

 

“That’s… that’s great, Reg!” James said, wrapping his arms around Regulus and holding him close. “Thank you. I love you.” James thought he might have heard a response, but he couldn’t make it out. 

 

Regulus kissed him softly, wrapping his arms around James’s neck. James grinned against his lips, holding Regulus’s hips. Once Regulus pulled away, James noticed something. He grinned, raising an eyebrow.

 

“Isn’t this mine?” he asked, pinching at the crimson fabric of Regulus’s t-shirt. He blushed wildly, his cheeks turning pink.

 

“Maybe,” he responded, looking up at James fondly. “I can give it back if you want.”

 

James shook his head. “Keep it. It looks better on you.” James revelend in the color of Regulus’s cheeks.

 

“James?”

 

“Yes, love?”

 

“I have one request for my meeting with Sirius.”

 

“What is it, Reg?” James said, brushing a curl out of Regulus’s face.

 

“I want it at a bar,” Regulus said, deadpanned. “The only way I’m going to be able to have a conversation with him without committing murder is with alcohol in my blood.”

Notes:

WE'RE MAKING PROGRESS GUYS THINGS ARE GETTING BETTER FOR ONCE

Hope you all enjoyed xoxo (Not you Lucinda I know you didn't fucking read it)

Chapter 21: 'Sorry'

Notes:

I definitely didn't forget to post yesterday not at all...

Let’s make this clear, Regulus did not actually want to talk to Sirius. He was doing this for James, and only for James.

 

It had made James happy, at least, leading to a lovely day of wandering through the city, just having fun together. Regulus supposed that it was a date. It was a good one, anyways. They were just a carefree young couple for a few hours, dancing around the city hand-in-hand. It was nice, gentle. Regulus felt so happy.

 

Unfortunately, his mood was soured by the looming threat of meeting with Sirius.

 

James walked him to the bar that he had suggested. Regulus could see Sirius sitting at the counter through the window. He turned to James, silently pleading for him to not send him in there. He didn’t want to see Sirius, didn’t want to talk to Sirius. But James didn’t know that. Regulus had promised that he would do it. He would have to stick to it.

 

“Have fun,” James said, kissing the top of Regulus’s head. “If you need me, text me. I’ll come get you. Okay, love?”

 

Regulus nodded, smiling a little nervously. “I will. I promise.”

 

James smiled and kissed his forehead once more. “Thank you. I love you.” Regulus wanted to tell him to stay, to grab his sleeve like a child holding onto their mother and beg James to take him away. He didn’t. He was a grown ass man, he could have a conversation with his brother. The desperate urge to walk away with James lingered on, even as Regulus took a deep breath and walked into the bar.

 

Sirius’s head shot up as Regulus walked in, the rubber soles of his combat boots squeaking against tiled floors. Sirius gave him a small smile. Perhaps it was meant to be hopeful. Regulus did not return it. 

 

He took a seat next to Sirius, looking to the bartender. “An Old-Fashioned, please. On the rocks.” The bartender, a tall red-haired young man, nodded with a grin. Sirius looked at him. 

 

“Old-Fashioned? Nice,” Sirius said approvingly. Regulus rolled his eyes. “Last time we were together, you wouldn’t even have a sip of Walburga’s wine.”

 

The bartender slid the drink across the counter to Regulus. “Thank you,” he mumbled, before taking a sip. He turned to Sirius. “That was when I was a child. I’m an adult now.” He took another sip, the alcohol burning as it rolled across his tongue.

 

“You’re always a child to me,” Sirius mumbled under his breath.

 

“That’s part of the problem,” Regulus said, just as quietly. They sat silently for a couple of minutes, Regulus going over possible ways the conversation could go in his mind. It could end in an argument, them getting kicked out of the bar, or maybe it could end in tears, Regulus calling James to come get him. Regulus sipped his drink as he thought anxiously, absent-mindedly rubbing his fingers together.

 

Regulus heard Sirius sigh. His drink was half-empty now, the amber liquid sloshing against the sides of the clear glass when he picked it up. He could see Sirius looking at him in his peripheral vision. 

 

“Reg…” Sirius said. Regulus didn’t respond, feeling a little bit repulsed by the nickname. Sirius sighed again. “Look, Reg, I just want my brother back. I don’t know what you want from me.”

 

Regulus rolled his eyes. “Really? You don’t?” He took another sip of his Old-Fashioned. “Maybe I want an apology. You would think you’d know that.”

 

Sirius furrowed his brow. “An apology?”

 

Regulus scoffed. “You know. For abandoning me when I was fifteen.” He took another sip, the alcohol burning down his throat. It was good. He was clinging to it.

 

Sirius’s eyes softened, turning sad. “I didn’t… Reg, I can’t apologize for that, but-”

 

“It’s fine,” Regulus cut in coldly. “It’s fine. Forgive and forget, or whatever. Now we can be done and never speak again.”

 

“Regulus, that’s not- that can’t be it!” Sirius said, his brow furrowed. “You’re my little brother. I can’t just- just abandon that!”

 

“You already did, Sirius,” Regulus said bitterly. “When I was fifteen fucking years old, and you left without a goddamn trace. Not even a fucking goodbye for your baby fucking brother.” His hand clenched around the glass, shaking slightly.

 

“Regulus,” Sirius said, growing angry. Fucking good. Regulus couldn’t be the only one hurting. “What would you have wanted me to do? I was sixteen, and our parents were shit. I wanted to leave, so what-”

 

“I wanted you to stay !” Regulus shouted, slamming his fists on the counter. He heard murmurs from other people in the bar. He could feel their eyes on him. “I wanted you to stay,” he said, quieter now.

 

Sirius’s eyes softened sadly. He reached out a hand to Regulus, but he pulled it back. Regulus just glared down at the black counter.

 

“I’m sorry I didn’t say goodbye,” Sirius said softly, almost a whisper. Regulus felt like a kid again, alone for the first time, his brother gone in the night, just like that. “I wanted to.”

 

“Then why didn’t you?” Regulus asked bitterly, tears filling his eyes. He felt full to the brim with emotion. He wasn’t sure if it was his brother by his side, murmuring softly, or the alcohol in his blood. Probably a mix of both. “If you wanted to, then why didn’t you?”

 

“Because I would’ve stayed,” Sirius whispered.

 

“You could’ve asked me to go with you.”

 

“Would you have?”

 

“No,” Regulus replied, smiling sadly. Sirius snorted with just as much melancholy. 

 

“Yeah. Thought so,” Sirius said, smiling ever so sadly. “I was going to, you know. The night I left, I was going to ask you to go with me.”

 

“But why didn’t you?”

 

“I would’ve stayed for you, Regulus. And I couldn’t stay there,” Sirius said.

 

“Neither could I,” Regulus said, rolling his eyes. A tear dripped from his eyes and onto the counter.

 

“I know,” Sirius said. “That’s the only thing that ever made me even contemplate going back.”

 

Regulus turned his head to look at his brother, his eyes wide and sad. “You could’ve come back for me. Why didn’t you?”

 

Sirius looked at him a little pointedly. “I would’ve if I could. But what was I supposed to do? I was finally free. I had a life. And I was disowned. They didn’t want me anywhere near you.”

 

“And?” Regulus replied, snorting. “You never cared about what they wanted.”

 

“I didn’t want them to hurt you,” Sirius said quietly. Regulus felt angry again, rage bubbling up inside of him.

 

“They hurt me anyways, Sirius,” Regulus said a little angrily. “You of all people should know that.”

 

Sirius nodded. “I know. I know. But they would’ve killed you if they found out you were hanging around the homosexual embarrassment that they had finally gotten rid of.”

 

Oh. Regulus never really wondered what pushed Sirius over the edge, finally getting him to leave. He supposed it made sense that they found out about his crush on Remus. That wasn’t enough to make Regulus accept it, much less forgive it. “I would’ve taken it. I wanted to die at that point, anyway.”

 

Sirius’s eyes softened again. Regulus was getting tired of seeing Sirius’s eyes soften into sadness and pity. He didn’t want to be pitied. He didn’t want to be here in the first place.

 

“Reg… did you…?”

 

Regulus rolled his eyes. “I never attempted. I left before I reached that point.”

 

“You…” Sirius said, his eyes widening. “You left?”

 

Regulus rolled his eyes again. “Obviously. I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t. Mother would’ve murdered me. If I made it that long.”

 

“And you’re still giving me shit for leaving?” Sirius asked, a little pissed now. Regulus glared at him.

 

“The difference is that I didn’t have anyone there who needed me. You did, and you left anyways,” Regulus said angrily. “You couldn’t have been more fucking selfish. I just wanted my brother to be there for me, to stay, because everything would be okay, as long as you were there, and you left anyways. I left with nothing left there except for a noose hidden in my drawer and a half-written suicide note on my desk.”

 

Sirius sat, mouth agape, and his eyes wide. Regulus felt tears finally escape his eyes. He reached for his glass to take another sip, but it was empty now. He wasn’t sure when he finished it. He just wiped his eyes and glared down at the counter.

 

“So now you know,” Regulus said quietly, bitterness in his voice. “You left, and it almost killed me. So fuck you.” He probably sounded childish, but it hurt, aching deeply and harshly. It felt like a wound had been reopened, though Regulus wasn’t sure if it had ever closed. Maybe it never would.

 

Regulus thought Sirius would respond, perhaps with a chorus of apologies or well-meaning infantilization. Instead, he turned to the bartender. “Two Old-Fashioneds, please.”

 

“What?” Regulus asked, turning to him.

 

“I feel bad for leaving you, Reg, but I can’t apologize for getting out of that house. I’m just sorry I couldn’t save you,” Sirius said. “But I’m not leaving again. Ever. And you look like you need a drink.”

 

Regulus was silent for a moment, before he chuckled sadly. “Yeah, I do. Not nearly drunk enough.”

 

Sirius smiled at him for a moment, before it dropped off his face. “I really am sorry, Reg. I love you.”

 

“I know,” Regulus murmured in return. It wasn’t quite forgiveness. More acceptance than anything. It was… okay though. Not great, and they certainly weren’t okay again, but they were okay. They would be okay.

Regulus wasn’t sure if this was a good idea. He and Sirius sat in chairs, waiting for their tattoos. It was probably a little stupid, a little rushed, but there was enough alcohol in Regulus’s blood to make it seem warm and soft, and he had his brother again.

 

They agreed to pick each other's tattoo, something symbolic of each other. Regulus knew where he wanted it, directly under the previous tattoos he had gotten for Sirius, on his left shoulder. He waited quietly, thinking about what Sirius’s tattoo could be. Something nice.

 

“Hi,” said a tall person covered in tattoos and piercings. Half their hair was shaved, the unshaved side dyed blue. “I’m Kat. I’ll be helping you two tonight.” It was a little late, wasn’t it? The sky outside was dark. Regulus wasn’t sure how long he had been with Sirius. “You guys know what you want?”

 

Regulus looked at Sirius expectantly. Sirius smiled. “Just some simple line art of a dog for him.”

 

Kat nodded. “Any specific breed?”

 

Sirius shrugged. “Maybe a black lab? Just something kind of… big and fluffy?” Kat nodded, scribbling on a notepad. Regulus assumed they were sketching a design.

 

“And for you?” They asked, pointing to Sirius with the back of the pen. “Will you be getting anything?” Sirius turned to Regulus, who nodded.

 

“A small black cat,” Regulus said. “Maybe with a star somewhere on it?” Kat nodded, continuing to scribble. They scribbled and drew on the notepad for a few minutes before holding up a few sketches to show them.

 

There was a black silhouette of a sitting cat, looking upwards. Its eye was a small white star. Below it, there was an outline of a sitting dog. Regulus grinned.

 

“What do you think?” Kat asked, smiling. Regulus nodded.

 

“I like it. Sirius?”

 

Sirius nodded. “It’s perfect.”

After they got their tattoos, Sirius brought a tired and still slightly tipsy Regulus back to his room. Sirius kept smiling at him. Regulus wasn’t sure how long it had been since Sirius smiled at him like that, with so much warmth. 

 

Sirius made sure Regulus brushed his teeth and tucked him into bed. It was quite a bit like how it was when they were kids, and Sirius was the closest thing he had to a real parent. His amazing big brother, the only person who ever cared about him.

 

Sirius had taken care of him as a child. Sirius was the only person Regulus had ever relied on, at least before Barty and Evan. Maybe that was why it ached so much, why Sirius lived in the crevices of his nightmares, hiding in corners of his mind. Those corners were the things that hurt him the most, keeping old wounds open, just bandaging and rebandaging as if covering it up and forgetting would fix it. Regulus knew that it wouldn’t, and it didn’t. He supposed he always knew that.

 

As Sirius started to leave the hotel room, Regulus realized how young he felt now, how small. He just wanted to be Sirius’s little brother again, a little kid who didn’t have to worry, because his brother was  there. 

 

“Siri,” Regulus said softly. Sirius turned back to him. “Stay?” Sirius hesitated, and Regulus spoke again. “I just- I have nightmares sometimes. Have since you left.” Sirius stood silently for a minute before nodding and walking over to the bed.

 

“Okay, Reggie,” Sirius said quietly. “Get some rest.”

 

“I love you, Siri.”

 

“I love you too, Reg.”

 

Regulus fell asleep with his brother holding his hand, for the first time in seven years.

Notes:

THINGS HAPPENED. PROGRESS WAS MADE.

Hope you enjoyed xoxo

Chapter 22: Love (Not Quite Yet)

Notes:

Happy holidays and merry new year, I hope you all enjoy this chapter!!

Regulus didn’t expect Sirius to be there when he woke up. Maybe that’s just the effect of years of wondering if he’d ever return, only to conclude that he had left, and he wasn’t coming back. Still, Sirius was there when Regulus opened his eyes. Well, not where he was when Regulus fell asleep, on the bed next to him. Instead, he stood in the little kitchenette, holding two mugs of coffee. There were two styrofoam containers on the counter, presumably holding their breakfast.

 

Regulus groaned sleepily. Sirius turned to him, grinning. His long hair had been pinned up into a loose bun, strands falling out around his head.

 

“Good morning,” Sirius said cheerfully. He walked over, holding out a steaming white mug. “I made you some coffee.”

 

Regulus took it in his hands, staring down at the lightened brown liquid. “Thanks. I usually only drink black coffee though.”

 

Sirius raised an eyebrow. “Really? But you always had such a sweet tooth as a kid. You would always ask me to buy you candies when I was out in town. You would finish them so quickly, I spent most all of my money on buying candy for you.”

 

Regulus still stared sadly down at the coffee. He remembered that, being young and carefree, sharing bags of sweets with Sirius in the darkness of his room. All the candy that he used to love started tasting like ash, choking him after Sirius left. It took years for him to be able to stomach anything sweet afterward. He used to just vomit it up. “I suppose I just… grew up.”

 

Sirius stood there for a minute before nodding. He sipped from his own mug, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath. “I guess that makes sense. I never grew out of it. Something about sweetness is a little comforting.”

 

Regulus nodded slightly, bringing the mug up to his lips and taking a small sip. He wrinkled his nose. It was so overwhelmingly sweet. The sweetest thing he had tasted in years. It was disgusting, but Sirius was right, he supposed. There was something comforting about it. Something so childish that he felt like they must be little kids again, sneaking out to the park across the street where the normal kids played. ‘Maman will be upset with us, Siri’ , ‘What’s the worst that could happen, Reggie? Come on, let’s have fun’ .

 

“Reggie?”

 

“Yes?” It was nice hearing Sirius say his name again, hearing him say the nickname he had always called him as a child. It made him feel small, but protected.

 

“Let’s play a game,” Sirius said, tapping his fingers against the mug. Regulus raised an eyebrow.

 

“What?”

 

“Let’s play a game,” Sirius repeated, sitting down on the edge of the bed. “Twenty questions. Just… to catch up.”

 

Regulus shrugged. “Sure. You want to go first?”

 

Sirius nodded. “Yeah. Did you have a job? Outside of music, I mean.”

 

Regulus shrugged. “I’ve had a couple, but they didn’t last very long. Retail and customer service jobs. I felt like my brain was rotting.” Sirius laughed. “I didn’t have a job when I agreed to the tour. I was mostly relying on Barty and Evan.” Sirius wrinkled his nose. Regulus glared at him. “Don’t look at me like that. They’re my best friends. They were there for me.” When you weren’t , he didn’t say.

 

Regulus cleared his throat. “What about you? Did you have a job?”

 

Sirius grinned. “Yeah. I worked at James’s parents’ company for a little while. It was entry-level, but I was making money. And then James’s dad fired me.” Regulus’s eyes widened. Sirius laughed. “Yeah, he could see I wasn’t passionate. Told me I was wasting my youth and I should do something I loved. After that, I didn’t have a job for a while. I ended up getting a job at Marlene’s tattoo studio.”

 

Regulus hummed. “Marlene… that’s your bass player, right? The blonde girl?” Sirius grinned.

 

“Yep,” Sirius said. “I was working there for a year and a half before I found out that she was an excellent bassist. We were friends at that point. She knew that I was a guitarist, and I was forming a band. I asked her if she was interested, and so, she tried out. Here we are.”

 

Regulus hummed. “Can I ask a question now?”

 

Sirius shrugged. “Sure.”

 

“Did you think about me?” It was probably a loaded question. There was so much hurt and emotion hidden in it. Sirius nodded.

 

“All the time,” Sirius said. “Your birthday, and mine. Every spring, when your star was visible. Every time something happened in my life, and I wished you were there. I kept wondering what I had missed in your life. I never really talked about it though. I think I just wanted to pretend you never existed. It was easier.”

 

Regulus nodded. He had experienced it similarly, almost the same, but that didn’t make it ache less. “Yeah. Okay. I… yeah.”

 

“Reg?” Sirius said, reaching out and putting a hand on Regulus’s shoulder. “Are you okay? You… You’re crying.”

 

Regulus flinched, wiping at his eyes. Sure enough, there were tears there, his eyes wet. “Shit,” he murmured. “I- sorry. I’m fine. I promise. I just- goddamnit.”

 

Sirius sat there for a moment, his hand still on Regulus’s shoulder before wrapping his arms around him, pulling him close.

 

“Reggie, listen to me,” Sirius said firmly. “I love you. You’re my little brother. You always have been, and you always will be. I’m not leaving you behind ever again.” Regulus couldn’t help the tears spilling out of him, onto Sirius’s t-shirt.

 

Sirius held onto him tightly as he cried, letting out the emotion that had built up inside him over the years. Sirius had always been a sensitive spot for him, a wound that never seemed to heal. The idea of hugging his brother again would’ve made him sick, nausea mixing with lingering aching. He had missed him, really. The missing had burned him, and nothing seemed to soothe it. As Sirius held him now, Regulus remembered the child he had lost, and he felt the wounds start to fade. He wasn’t sure if they would ever fully heal, but at least, for this moment, the pain was soothed.

Regulus knocked roughly on James’s door. He stood fidgeting his hands until James opened the door, a hand in his hair. His eyes turned sad seeing Regulus’s red-tinted eyes. 

 

“Oh, love,” James said, pulling Regulus into him. “It didn’t go well?” Regulus smiled.

 

“Actually… I think that was the best it could’ve gone,” Regulus said, smiling slightly. “We talked. We… I got a new tattoo. He picked it out. I picked one for him too.” Regulus rolled up his sleeve. “It’s nice, right?”

 

James grinned. “It’s lovely, Reg. I’m happy for you, love.” James leaned down to kiss him softly. “And I’m proud of you. For talking this out.” Regulus smiled, wrapping his arms around James’s neck.

 

“You’re so perfect. You know that?” Regulus said sweetly. James chuckled.

 

“Nah. I think you might be though,” James said, grinning. “I love you so much.”

 

Regulus smiled. The words were on the tip of his tongue, ready to spill from his lips. It just didn’t feel like the right time. He loved him, that was true, but this wasn’t the right place. It was sweet, but the mood wasn’t right. Soon though. He would say it soon.

James went to the concert with Regulus. They wanted to spend as much time together as possible, and it was sweet, cozy. James was sweet, as usual, peppering him with soft kisses and lovely compliments. Regulus was disappointed when they were inevitably separated at the venue, led to their separate venues.

 

Regulus was smiling softly as his face was coated in makeup. Dorcas tapped the makeup artist on the shoulder, gently ushering her away. She snorted when she looked at Regulus.

 

“Oh, boy. Barty, Evan, Dora, come look at this,” She said as she applied a pale blush to Regulus’s cheeks. Barty and Evan walked up and laughed quietly. “He looks like a little schoolboy with his first crush.”

 

Barty and Evan grinned. Evan’s arm was thrown around Barty’s neck. “He’s so sweet, isn’t he, B?” Evan said, chuckling.

 

“Oh yeah,” Barty replied, grinning. “He’s down bad.” Regulus glared at them.

 

“Shut up.”

 

They all chuckled before Dorcas gently lifted Regulus’s chin. “Shut your eyes. I’m feeling inspired.”

Regulus felt attractive as he walked onto the stage, his eyes shadowed in various shades of reds and pinks. It was light pink, almost white in the corners, and dark crimson in the creases. There was a small black heart on his cheek, under his right eye. He wore dark red lipstick, and the red, off the shoulder cashmere sweater James had bought for him. 

 

“Hey, Maryland. How’re you doing tonight?” Regulus grinned at the cheering of the audience in response. “I’m so glad. It’s great to see you all out here!”

 

Regulus smiled. “This song is for someone very special to me. I hope you enjoy it, and I hope he enjoys it.” He glances over to the side, where James is standing on his own. Sirius is probably still in makeup. If he could get this song out for James first, maybe he could show him just how much he cared.

 

“ I don't know what to do without you

I don't know where to put my hands

I've been trying to lay my head down

But I'm writing this at three AM”

 

Dorcas’s bass was fantastic, playing beautifully under Regulus’s voice, soft and breathy. The lighting was pale blue, and he couldn’t help wondering how he looked under the icy blue lighting, pale blue over warm pinks. He glanced over at James, who was staring at him, entranced. Regulus smirked. He supposed he had his answer.

 

“I don't need the world to see

That I've been the best I can be, but

I don't think I could stand to be

Where you don't see me”

 

Evan and Barty joined in, adding depth and warmth, and power to the chorus. He looked over at James and smiled at him. He couldn’t imagine a world without James, a world where James’s eyes weren’t locked on him, almost in worship.

 

“On sunny days I go out walking

I end up on a tree-lined street

I look up at the gaps of sunlight

I miss you more than anything”

 

Regulus couldn’t help being a little dramatic. He ran fingers through his hair, pushing it up behind him, moving his head and swaying with the song. His eyes were still locked on James, smiling so brightly. 

 

“I don't need the world to see

That I've been the best I can be, but

I don't think I could stand to be

Where you don't see me

 

I don't need the world to see

That I've been the best I can be, but

I don't think I could stand to be

Where you don't see me”

 

Regulus’s smile was so large, so wide, that it hurt in the cheeks. He laughed quietly, breathlessly, still swaying happily with the song. His breath stuttered as he came down from the performance high, his smile slowly softening.

 

The applause and the cheering was heartening, and Regulus grinned. His fingers were fidgeting with the hem of the sweater, soft crimson in his hand. He looked over at James, gazing at him so sweetly. James made everything softer, brighter, warmer.

 

Regulus was happy to sing the rest of his songs for the night. The audience seemed more enthusiastic than usual, but that might have just been the pure joy of everything finally going right. He was a performer like he wanted, making a ridiculous amount of money, he had the best friends he could ask for, he was finally fixing things with Sirius, and James. James, James, James, James, James. He was perfect, his perfect, sweet, loving boyfriend. He was everything. The sun itself.

 

Regulus walked off the stage, giving Sirius a warm, happy glance, much to Remus’s apparent confusion. Marlene walked on after them, though she wasn’t paying much attention to Regulus. Her eyes were locked on Dorcas. Regulus wasn’t sure if they were dating yet, but he was sure they would be soon. James walked on last, Regulus grabbing his wrist before he could go on.

 

“Hey,” Regulus said softly. “I like you.”

 

James grinned sweetly, leaning in to kiss Regulus softly. “I love you too, Reg.”

Notes:

Song: Francis Forever by Mitski

So my mental health has kind of fallen down the metaphorical drain. My depression came back at full force along with my burnout, and I'm feeling it way too much right now. I've been falling behind on writing Complications, and it's been kind of stressing me out. I still love it, but I need time to regain my passion for writing and recover from the total exhaustion I'm feeling right now. I hope you guys can be patient with me while I take a step back and try to be a little kinder to myself.

I hope you all enjoyed xoxo

Chapter 23: Friendship Brunch

Notes:

Hey guys I'm alive!!! My hiatus was not supposed to be this long but oh well!! My burnout is... not great, and I don't have a schedule anymore but I'm gonna chill and post random chapters whenever I want :)

Regulus woke up in a red t-shirt that was at least two sizes too big for him, his head pounding. It hurt horribly, aching where it touched warm skin. His eyes were still shut tight, his leg bare and perched over more bare warm skin. He groggily blinked his eyes open, groaning. 

 

Well. 

 

Wasn’t that a lovely sight.

 

Regulus was pressed to James’s bare chest, his strong arms wrapped around him. James’s eyes fluttered, long, thick eyelashes dancing against his cheeks. His lips were slightly parted, and his hair was even more messy than usual. 

 

God, Regulus was so gay.

 

And in love.

 

The sun may have been shining far too bright, and his head may have hurt like it had been repeatedly hit by a cast iron pan, but that didn’t take away from James’s beauty. He seemed to glow, like the sunlight could only bounce off of him in glowing golden light. He perched himself up on his elbow to look at James. He had a small mole on the side of his neck. Regulus had never seen that before. It was oddly adorable.

 

James’s eyes fluttered wildly before blinking open suddenly. Regulus stared down into pretty brown eyes with reverence, before forcing smirking through the throbbing pain in his head.

 

“You look cute when you sleep,” he said, leaning over James, who let out a soft, sleepy chuckle. “Stupid, but cute.”

 

“Well,” he said, smiling. “That’s a lovely way to wake up.”

 

Regulus grinned. “You’re telling me. I woke up with you half fucking naked next to me. Care to explain that by the way?”

 

James laughed. “You don’t remember?”

 

Regulus felt the blood drain from his face, going pale as he shook his head. “James. What happened last night? Did we…?”

 

James’s eyes widened and he shook his head. “No. No, love. We just got some champagne, and you got really drunk, and spilled some on your shirt. So I gave you mine. I tried to go get another shirt, but you didn’t want me to go. We didn’t do anything, Reg. I promise. I wouldn’t do that to you.”

 

Regulus breathed out a stuttered sigh of relief. He supposed he knew that. James would never do anything to hurt him. He flopped down, burying his face in James’s neck. 

 

“I adore you,” he murmured into James’s neck. He felt his cheeks flush at the words. James brought up a hand to stroke his hair, running his fingers through tangled curls.

 

“I love you too, Reg,” James said. They stayed like that for quite a while, Regulus finding relief in James’s warmth, in the sweet nothings he whispered. His head still throbbed, but being with James made it tolerable.

 

After a few hours of short bursts of sleep and room service cups of coffee, Regulus allowed James to pull him out of bed. Regulus returned James’s shirt with a flush on his cheeks, before running off to the bathroom to change into his own clothes. They walked down to the lobby together, planning to get brunch somewhere in the city. When they stepped into the lobby, they were met with a grinning Sirius. 

 

“Reg!” Sirius called out, waving to him. Remus was next to him, tall and thin, towering over Sirius. Regulus smiled softly and waved back. “Hey, Prongs!”

 

“Hey, Pads!” James called out in return, grinning and waving. He ran up to Sirius and hugged him tightly. Regulus walked, looking at them with mild amusement. 

 

“Hi, Sirius,” Regulus said, walking up to them, wearing an oversized black hoodie. Barty’s, he thought, though he wasn’t entirely sure. Sirius grinned at him, wrapping his arms around Regulus, who awkwardly patted him on the back in return.

 

“Remus and I were actually looking for you,” Sirius said, smiling brightly. He seemed excited. “Friendship brunch!”

 

“Friendship brunch?” Regulus asked, raising an eyebrow.

 

“Friendship brunch,” Sirius confirmed, nodding. Regulus held in a laugh, his lips quirking upwards.

 

“So… I’m supposed to just hangout with you and your friends?” Regulus asked. He knew he was going to agree though. Sirius nodded.

 

“Yep!” Sirius said, beaming. “You don’t get a choice. Friendship brunch!!”

 

Regulus sighed and let Sirius lead him away.

 

Regulus didn’t know much about Sirius’s friends. He knew James, of course, who was very sweet when Regulus pulled him aside to say that he wasn’t ready to tell Sirius. He knew of Remus, who Sirius’s world seemed to revolve around. He called him his moon in private account posts, and they were awfully touchy. Or, if Regulus was completely honest, he would note that his brother was clinging to Remus like the last spot of safety in the world. Regulus would recognize it, as it’s exactly how he tended to cling to James. 

 

Marlene seemed sweet, rambunctious and a bit excitable. Her lips were painted cherry, matching the red and black of her nails, and the red-dyed tips of her shaggy blonde hair. He could’ve sworn it wasn’t dyed before. She stared absent-mindedly out the window, bouncing her knee with a grin on her face. Regulus couldn’t help smiling. So this was the girl that Dorcas was so entranced by.

 

And then there was Peter. He looked younger than the rest, small and round with a head of straight dirty-blonde hair. He was smiling kindly, but his eyes kept flitting away from Regulus as though afraid to meet his gaze. He looked like the kind of guy you could trust with a secret.

 

Regulus didn’t really speak during the car ride. He never was one to participate in social interactions so much as observing. He did plenty of that. Regulus was the last one to leave the Uber, cramped up against the left-side window. Sirius helped him out, still holding Remus’s hand.

 

“So, this is a buffet,” Sirius said as they walked in, holding Regulus’s hand like he was still a little kid, unable to walk around on his own. “I wasn’t sure what you like, so… you get to choose!”

 

Regulus let himself smile softly. “Thanks.” 

 

Regulus lingered at Sirius’s side as they waited for a table, and he sat next to Sirius in the rounded booth they were put into, much to Sirius’s delight. This was mostly for bonding, of course. Making up for lost time, the years that had gone and the moments of loneliness.

 

They sat while they waited to order drinks, Regulus fidgeting nervously under the table. He tried to keep it hidden, keep the movements small. He didn’t want Sirius’s friends to think he was weird or odd. He often believed he was.

 

“So, Regulus, what do you like to do?” Marlene’s voice rang through, her eyes trained uncomfortably on Regulus. Regulus started, blinking quite a lot.

 

“Oh, uh, what?” Regulus asked, glancing around. Marlene smiled, looking at him a bit curiously.

 

“I asked what you like to do,” Marlene said softly, running a hand through her hair. “I just thought that, y’know, we should all get to know you, and you could get to know us. Since you’re Sirius’s brother and all.”

 

“Oh,” Regulus said, a little surprised. “Um, I like music, but you know that. I like musicals and theater. I like stars, and I like writing.”

 

“Stars?” Peter asked, tilting his head. “Like zodiac signs and stuff?” It didn’t sound judgemental. Just curious.

 

Regulus shook his head. “More like the stories behind them. I used to hear the myths surrounding stars, and I was fascinated. I love mythology a lot.”

 

“You said you like writing,” Remus said, glancing over at him kindly. “What do you write?”

 

Regulus shrugged. “Anything, really. I was always good at English in school. I write lyrics for the band, I write poems, I write stories. I just love to write.”

 

He saw James smirking at him, watching him with interest. His head rested in his hand, his eyes locked on Regulus. Regulus glanced at him, smiling ever so sweetly as Remus hummed in slight approval.

 

“I’m part of a book club as well as a poetry club back home,” Remus said. “It’s a lot of fun. Maybe you’d want to try it after the tour?”

 

Regulus nodded, grinning. “That sounds great! What sort of books do you read?” Fantasy? Sci-fi? Romance? And what kind of poetry do you write? Haikus? Free verse? Ballads? Limericks?”

 

Remus gave a hesitant smile. “We take turns picking out a book for the club. It can be pretty much anything. And for poems, it’s all your choice.”

 

Regulus grinned. “I’d love to join!”

 

“I like to hang out at an art studio,” Marlene piped in. “I don’t really hang around the book club, or the poetry club, but I’m in an art studio where you can try out different mediums. I don’t know if that’s something you vibe with, but it’s pretty fun. You can join if you want.” She grinned. 

 

Regulus smiled. He hadn’t really done much art since he was a kid. He used to draw in class, illustrating constellations in the margins of his notes. Sure, he made concept art for EPs and album covers, but it was just sketches. He wasn’t opposed to getting into art though.

 

“Yeah, um, that sounds good,” Regulus said, smiling a little anxiously. “Sirius mentioned that you’re a tattoo artist. You’re good at art?”

 

Marlene grinned, pushing her hair behind her ear, revealing a large amount of piercings. “Yep. I did most of Sirius’s. Speaking of which, I love your tattoos,” Marlene said, gesturing to the snake wrapping around his forearm.

 

“Thank you,” Regulus said. “It’s one of my favorites.”

 

Marlene tilted her head. “If you ever want to get more, after the tour, let me know. On the house.” Her grin was wide, shining. She was bright, her light sharper than James’s, but still bright. He could see why Dorcas was so into her. He nodded happily.

 

“Regulus,” James said, his voice cutting through, warm and bright. “Do you have a favorite book?” 

 

Regulus bit back a fond smile. “If I had to pick a book, I suppose I’d choose the Hunchback of Notre-Dame, but my favorite stories have always been myths, specifically Greek myths.”

 

“Oh?” James said, tilting his head curiously. He kept an almost teasing smile on his face as he stared at Regulus. “Then what’s your favorite myth?”

 

Regulus smiled. “Apollo and Hyacinth. It’s beautifully bittersweet, an ancient romantic tragedy.”

 

“Oh! I’ve heard of that one!” Marlene said, practically jumping in her seat. “Gay love story? Nice. Lily told me about it!”

 

“A gay romantic tragedy,” Remus said, glancing over at him curiously. “That’s not exactly what I expected.”

 

“Really?” Regulus asked, furrowing his brow. “Why do you say that?”

 

Remus shrugged. “I didn’t think you would enjoy that kind of thing.”

 

Regulus saw James stifle a laugh. Oh . “Just to clarify, Remus, I’m gay. I like queer stories. I like men and I like stories about men who also like men.”

 

“Oh,” Remus said, sounding a little surprised. Regulus smirked.

 

“Don’t worry. I get it,” Regulus said, holding back a laugh. “The assumption is always heterosexual.”

 

Remus smiled a little sheepishly. “For what it’s worth, none of us are straight. It’s just easier to assume. Sorry.”

 

“Yeah, I know,” Regulus said. “I figured you all were queer. Marlene’s been flirting with our bass player, Sirius is gay, and queer people tend to stick together.”

 

Marlene’s face turned as red as the dyed tips of her hair. Sirius grinned, and James chuckled warmly. Remus just smiled.

 

Regulus enjoyed brunch with his brother and his admittedly cool friends. The conversation stayed warm and friendly, full of laughter. Remus was kind to him, asking him questions about the books he read, and the writings he wrote. Marlene was fun, talking animatedly about art pieces she had made, and the tattoos on her skin. Peter was relatively shy and quiet, but he seemed kind, listening openly. James was, of course, lovely, though he stayed relatively impersonal. It was a bit sad for Regulus, but he had asked James to keep their relationship away from Sirius, so he couldn’t complain.

 

Sirius was grinning the entire time. He seemed overjoyed at his brother getting along with his friends. Regulus was glad to see his brother happy. It was nice after so many years of being separated. It was happy after so many years of hatred. It was so overwhelmingly nice after so much sadness. Regulus let himself lean on Sirius throughout the meal.

 

Before leaving, Regulus got Marlene, Peter, and Remus’s phone numbers, hoping to contact them soon. Maybe when they got back, he would go to book club with Remus, or get a tattoo at Marlene’s studio, or even just join in for their monthly movie night. Regulus was excited to widen his circle, to finally find a sense of family. He had Barty and Evan, Pandora and Dorcas, but now he had James. He had Sirius. Maybe this was the family he needed.

Notes:

Hope you enjoyed xoxo (This is one of my favorite chapters btw)

Also PLEASE leave comments they keep me alive

Chapter 24: Normal

Notes:

Me? Posting two days in a row??? Yeah I'm having a shitty day I got falsely accused of a crime lol. So... fluff

The next location on the tour was Washington D.C., close enough where it felt completely unnecessary to take a plane. Instead, Barty rented a van and decided to drive the members of Serpentine, while instruments would be carried in the plane. Pandora decided to label this a ‘road trip’, according to Regulus. James was a little disappointed that he wouldn’t get to spend more time with his boyfriend.

 

James didn’t mind taking the plane with the rest of the band, and Peter, but it felt a little… lacking without Regulus, with his music, and his small smiles, and his warmth as he leaned on James’s shoulder. At least it was a short ride, and he got a chance to work on the song he had started writing. Seeing the way Regulus wrote his lyrics so fervently really inspired him.

 

When the plane landed, James helped unload instruments. Then he rented a car for the sake of less awkward, cramped Uber drives.Then he went with Sirius and Remus to the local McDonalds for a late-night burger. Then he dropped Remus and Sirius at a hotel that was suspiciously not theirs, though James was too tired to question it. Finally, at a little before one in the morning, he arrived outside of Regulus’s hotel room, suitcase behind him. He didn’t see the point in using his own room again. He usually slept in Regulus’s anyway.

 

He raised his hand, pressing his knuckles against the wood, but he couldn’t seem to find the energy to pull back and knock. He leaned forward and sighed, pressing his forehead against the cold wood of the door. He heard a knock from the other side of the door, felt it vibrate against his skull. 

 

“James?” he heard, slightly muffled through the door. Regulus sounded groggy, half-asleep.

 

“Hi, Reggie. Missed you,” James mumbled in response. He wasn’t sure if Regulus could hear him through the door.

 

“Do you… want to come in?” Regulus asked after a minute. James hummed in agreement, stepping away as Regulus slowly creaked the door open. He was wearing James’s shirt again, his curls falling against his neck. “Hi.”

 

James stepped forward, slumping down onto Regulus’s shoulder. He heard Regulus hum softly, brushing his lips against the side of James’s head. 

 

“Missed you,” James mumbled into Regulus’s shoulder. In turn, Regulus raised a hand to stroke James’s hair.

 

“I know. I missed you too,” he said. He sounded so sweet and sleepy. “Come in. Shower. Then we can get some sleep. Together.”

 

James hummed in agreement, letting Regulus pull him into the room. He glanced back at James with the sweetest smile. James loved when he smiled like that. He was so cute, so pretty, the concept of beauty personified. James was half sure in his exhausted state that Regulus was a godly being, divinity on earth, and James was devoted, laying at the altar of his unearthly beauty. The affection he felt for this man had no end. He would do anything for him, without a doubt in his mind.

 

“I’ll take your suitcase,” Regulus said softly. “You just go shower.” Regulus gently pulled the suitcase from James’s grip, laying it down on the floor, unzipping it. He pulled out a t-shirt and joggers. “Here. Go shower.”  James bent down and kissed him softly before going off to the bathroom.

 

He sat in the bathroom, waiting for his shower to heat up. He could hear Regulus shuffling around the room through the door, over the roar of the water. It reminded him that he wasn’t alone there. He was with Regulus. That made him smile softly, fondly.

 

James never told anyone other than Sirius how much he hated being alone. He had his own apartment, sure, and it was stocked with his things, but he spent most of his time at Sirius and Remus’s. There was something so dead about being alone, something quiet and rotting. The quiet always seemed to burn into him uncomfortably, leaving him restless and fidgety and unfocused. He supposed that was why it was so important to him that he made people happy, why he put every waking moment into making sure people liked him. He couldn’t stand the thought of being alone.

 

Regulus was different though. He still put so much thought into making Regulus smile, into making him happy, but he didn’t worry about Regulus leaving him alone. Regulus just seemed happy to have him around, and that was enough. He still hadn’t said that he loved James, but that was okay. He didn’t need him to love him, as long as he was still there. He just needed Regulus to be there. 

 

The shower was, of course, hot enough once his train of thought had finished. He had gotten quite distracted. He wasn’t sure how long it had been. Shower thoughts, he supposed, were just like that. 

 

After his shower, James slipped into the t-shirt and joggers. His hair dripped down onto his shoulders, The water cold through his shirt. He picked up his glasses from the bathroom counter, feeling the cold metal in his hands. He took a deep breath, opening the bathroom door and shutting off the lights.

 

James crawled into the bed, slipping in behind Regulus, who was curled up, facing away from the bathroom door. He wrapped his arm around Regulus’s waist, nuzzling into the crevice of his neck. Regulus groaned grumpily.

 

“Your hair is wet,” Regulus muttered. James could almost hear him pouting. He chuckled, leaning away to shake his hair like a wet dog. He heard Regulus laugh, raising his hand to protect him from the spray. He was so cute.

 

“Better?” James asked, leaning back in to nuzzle against his neck. Regulus hummed in approval. James could feel the vibrations against his lips. “I love you.” Regulus just hummed again.

 

James’s dreams, in general, always made him a little bit uncomfortable. They felt too real. This one didn’t really. It was tinted golden, a little blurred, like a filtered photo. It was a golden field of flowers. Buttercups maybe. James saw them a lot growing up. Regulus stood in the middle of the field, just far enough where James couldn’t see the slight hints of his face as he looked off into the distance. He was wearing an ancient greek chiton as he gazed off into the distant yellow sky.

 

This Regulus was wispy, almost translucent, blurred into the background. He looked back at James, smiling. “Come and get me” he said, his voice sounding filtered, like it had been said underwater. The Dream Regulus started running, the off-white of his chiton floating behind him. James ran, just as drawn to the Dream Regulus as he was to the real one. He ran until he got close enough to touch him, his fingers grazing the bare skin of Dream Regulus’s shoulder, and everything changed.

 

Regulus was more solid now, tinted green, surrounded by silver bubbles. A siren, he supposed. The golden filter had turned blue, like they were floating underwater. Regulus gently grabbed James’s wrist and pulled him close, kissing him. He felt cold. James felt limp and powerless in Dream Regulus’s grip. That was okay though, because it was Regulus, even if it wasn’t the real one, and James would do anything for Regulus.

 

Dream Regulus kissed him until James woke up, blinking gently. He was in the same position as when he had fallen asleep, his arm thrown over Regulus’s waist. Regulus had turned though, now facing James, still soundly asleep. He looked sweet, his face illuminated by morning sunlight, almost like a halo framing Regulus’s face.

 

James sat silently, laying in the same position, careful to not wake up Regulus. He was so lovely, his mouth set into a sleepy pout. How James loved this man. This beautiful, divine, lovely man. Every smile James could grant him, every laugh he could pull from his lips, they made this life worth living, allowing him worth.

 

James saw Regulus’s eyes flutter before opening, soft and adorable. He blinked a few times before leaning forward into James’s chest.

 

“Good morning,” Regulus mumbled into James’s chest, wrapping his arms around his neck. James smiled, kissing the top of Regulus’s head.

 

“Good morning,” James said in return, nuzzling into his hair.

It took them a while to get out of bed. It was too comfortable, warm and gentle, Regulus held close to James’s chest. Still, they had to get up eventually.

 

They changed together, James sitting with Regulus while he did his eyeliner, smudging it around his eyes. James brushed out his curls, tying them up, per Regulus’s request. Before they could go out for lunch in their mid-afternoon haze, Regulus pulled James down by his shoulders, attempting to smooth down his hair.

 

“It’s annoying,” he said, grumpily, but still fond. “Why won’t it go down?” James chuckled as Regulus continued running gentle fingers through his hair, trying to make it look neater. After a few minutes of trying without success, Regulus gave up with a sigh. 

 

James usually had long honeymoon phases when he started a relationship. Months and months of being inseparable, smiling and clingy until it was too much and James was unnaturally desperate to stay in that euphoric state, far past when he should. There was no reason that Regulus should’ve been different, but he undoubtedly was. James could sit with him in complete silence, and his presence would be enough. He didn’t cling to Regulus, stuck in a state of talking constantly, locked next to him at every moment. It was just… peaceful, calm, like he could finally think, and breathe, and simply be . It was different, but in the best way.

 

James was going to take Regulus for fast food. It wasn’t a healthy or classy choice, but they didn’t need to be. It felt free, just two young people doing normal young people shit. That was good. That was fun.

 

Regulus sat in the passenger seat of James’s rental car, singing along to the radio happily. It was a classic rock station, the sort of music James’s dad often played growing up.

 

“ Some people call me the space cowboy, yeah

Some call me the gangster of love”

 

Regulus sang with a joking grin, raising his eyebrows. James laughed as he drove, turning up the volume on the radio very slightly, encouraging him to keep singing.

 

“Some people call me Maurice”

 

The last part of the verse was only hummed, Regulus apparently not knowing the lyrics. James chuckled, leaning over to kiss his cheek.

 

“'Cause I'm a picker

I'm a grinner

I'm a lover

And I'm a sinner

I play my music in the sun

 

“I'm a joker

I'm a smoker

I'm a midnight toker

I sure don't want to hurt no one”

 

James grinned as they pulled into the McDonalds drive-thru, turning down the radio.

 

“What do you want, love?” James asked, turning to Regulus. Regulus smiled, humming quietly as he looked at the menu.

 

“Ten-piece nuggets, a quarter pounder with cheese, and a chocolate shake?” Regulus asked, smiling. James nodded. 

 

James ordered for the both of them, going to window after window. After they grabbed their food, James parked them in the parking lot, climbing out of the car to sit outside, on top of the hood.

 

“Eat up, love,” James said, handing Regulus his chicken nuggets, which he took happily. James smiled and sipped the chocolate milkshake. Regulus glared at him.

 

“Excuse you,” Regulus said, sounding half-joking. “That’s my milkshake!” James chuckled.

 

“Well it’s good,” James said, taking another sip. Regulus snatched the milkshake out of his hand, sipping at it.

 

“Yeah, it is,” Regulus said. “That’s why it’s mine.” James chuckled, and Regulus smiled at him so softly.

 

They sat on the hood of the rental car in the McDonalds parking lot, eating their greasy fast food, chatting under the blue summer sky. James stole Regulus’s milkshake, Regulus stole James’s fries. In all truthfulness, it was really just them sharing. They ate in peace, finally real, finally normal. Just two people in love.

 

“I love you,” James said as they got back into the car, fast food boxes thrown away.

 

Regulus just smiled at him, fondness and affection in his gaze.

Notes:

(Song: The Joker by the Steve Miller Band idk why I think it was just stuck in my head when I wrote it)

Going through it rn I got accused of theft for an instrument that I DON'T PLAY, DON'T LIKE THE SOUND OF, AND LITERALLY HAVE NO INTEREST IN EVER BEING INVOLVED WITH. The police aren't involved yet but this is a pain in my ass and really fucking frustrating.

Anyways, please leave kind comments I need them right now <3

Chapter 25: Family

Notes:

Sorry I'm a tad bit late my computer imploded but it's back now!!!!!

 

Regulus was disappointed when he had to be separated from James. For a moment he was able to forget that he was a performer, that he had a job, that he couldn’t just be simple and in love. Still, he had a job to do, and that required an amount of separation from James.

 

Regulus sat still, quiet as Dorcas did his makeup. She just brushed off the makeup artist, taking charge. That was fine with Regulus. He preferred when she did his makeup. She always made sure it felt like him. Today, her chosen look was apparently accented in emerald tones. Green eyeshadow, darker in the outer edges and sage at the corners of his eyes. Dorcas sketched out leaves and flowers and painted them in with the green shades. She topped it off with green lipstick. Her makeup was similar, with the same green shades and intricate leaf designs.

 

Tonight’s setlist was a good one. The songs were older, mostly written back when Regulus had first started writing music. The first song of the night was written just after Regulus left home, though it was scrapped. It reminded him too much of Sirius. Now just seemed like the right time to finally share it.

 

Regulus smiled as he walked onto the stage. He loved performing, he loved having so much control over how much he shared. He loved singing with just enough truth to feel real, and just enough secrecy to still feel safe. 

 

“Hello, Washington D.C.,” Regulus shouted, gesturing excitedly to the crowd. “It’s great to see all of you out here tonight? Everyone having a good evening?” The crowd cheered, bringing a grin to Regulus’s face. “I’m glad. I hope you all enjoy the show.”

 

Pandora started the keyboard intro, every member of the band leaning into their microphone.

 

“ No God above us

Can we repent this sin?

No soul is innocent

Everybody wants to love”

 

The religious, choral tone of the intro led into a stronger, louder instrumental melody, designed to lay under Regulus’s voice as he sang.

 

“You walk alone into the darkest night

You'll never sleep until you're satisfied

You need love, you need one

You need him”

 

Regulus glanced off to the side, where James, Remus, and Sirius were standing. Sirius was holding Remus’s hand, glancing back and forth between Sirius and Regulus. James just stared at him, eyes soft.

 

“You'll never get your mama's wedding ring

Father always said you ruined everything

But you prayed, begged and prayed

Heart unchanged”

 

Regulus ran a hand through his hair as he sang, glancing repeatedly at Sirius. They were in the same boat, weren’t they? Both disowned, both without parents who loved them, both unable to change who they are.

 

“Don't be scared, little child

You're no demon 

There's a God in the sky

Don't believe him”

 

The rest of the band sang the background vocals, offering Regulus a bit of comfort.

 

“Don't be scared, little child

Of that feeling

You're in love

You found Heaven”

 

Regulus smiled, the crowd cheering on the ground below him as he went into the second verse.

 

“Your heart is breaking as you leave that door

You never meant to start this holy war

But you're trapped, pack your bags

Don't look back”

 

Regulus could remember telling himself this as he packed up the few things he truly cared about. Reciting it over and over, reminding himself that he had to go, he had to go, he had to go.

 

“Don't be scared, little child

You're no demon 

There's a God in the sky

Don't believe him 

 

“ Don't be scared little, child

Of that feeling

You're in love

You found Heaven”

 

He hoped this song brought some other young gay boy hope. Bits and pieces of it kept him alive, before, during, and after he left. But he didn’t need it anymore. He was happy. He was okay now. Maybe this song could help some other boy who needed it in the present.

 

The rest of the band finished the song, followed by roaring applause. He grinned at the cheering crowds. How many of these people were just like him? How many had gone through what he’d gone through? He couldn’t say for certain, but if there was anyone out in that crowd tonight who understood, he hoped this brought them a little joy, a little liberation, even just a reminder that they’re okay.

 

Regulus finished his setlist with ease, carrying on. One song after the other. The crowds cheered for them as they finished, walking off stage with shining grins. Sirius hugged Regulus tightly as he stepped off the stage.

 

“I love you, Reggie,” he said, holding Regulus tight. “You were great out there.”

 

Regulus smiled and patted his brother on the back. He loved Sirius, but he wasn’t ready to love Sirius like he loved him before. He just needed time. They would have that time.

 

Regulus was happy to watch the Marauders perform. They were good. They certainly had skill, and excellent stage presence. They seemed to glow, even, shining as they performed. Regulus could hear the crowds singing along. He smiled, swaying to the sound. He didn’t know the words like the audience did, but he could enjoy it, closing his eyes and just breathing, swaying.

 

James looked gorgeous under the stage lights, colors tinting his skin, reflecting off of the lenses of his glasses. He was mesmerizing as he played his guitar, clearly enjoying himself. Regulus was glad to see him so happy. 

 

Regulus didn’t notice as his friends filtered out around him. His eyes were locked on James, his fingers dancing across the strings. He watched Sirius play with overwhelming joy and excitement, constantly glancing at Regulus, or James, or Remus. Regulus was happy to return his glances, giving him affirming nods.

 

Regulus enjoyed the show, staying until the end. When Sirius came off the stage, the rubber soles of his Doc Martens squeaking on the floors, he wrapped Regulus up in a tight hug, almost choking him.

 

“Enjoy the show?” James asked, grinning, his arms crossed over his chest. Regulus smiled and nodded.

 

“You all were excellent,” Regulus said. “You looked like you were enjoying yourself.”

 

James hummed in  quiet agreement. “Thank you. We were.”

 

Eventually, Sirius let Regulus go, but he still held his hand as they walked out. As they exited the backstage area, they saw two burly men, the venue security, grabbing a girl by the arms as she struggled. Short, dark hair, a few shades lighter than Regulus’s own, fell into her face as she tried to break away from their grip.

 

“Let me go!” She shouted, trying to rip her arms out of their grasps. “Let me go!”

 

“Hey,” Sirius said to the men. “Hey! Let her go!” The men didn’t listen, still holding her in place. “HEY!” he shouted. The men finally stilled, and released their grip. The young woman collapsed onto Sirius, wrapping her arms around his neck.

 

“...Andy?” Sirius said quietly, pushing the hair out of her face. Her face had the same regal features as Regulus, as Sirius, the mark of the House of Black. 

 

“I missed you, Sirius. Always my favorite little cousin,” Andromeda said, smiling exhaustedly. She turned to Regulus with the same soft smile. “Hi, Reggie. It’s… it’s good to see you.” 

 

Regulus nodded in return. “I- yeah. Yeah, it’s great to see you, but, um, what are you doing here?”

 

Andromeda grinned. “I wanted to see my cousins. And my daughter wanted to see the show. She should be with Ted outside.” Ted was her husband, the middle-class man she ran away with. He was the reason she was disowned, but she seemed so happy now, so Regulus supposed he should be happy for her.

 

Andromeda pulled away from Sirius, only to wrap her arms around Regulus. “Little Reggie! I missed you so much!” Regulus awkwardly patted her on the back. He couldn’t fathom why she would miss him. He couldn’t recall them ever being particularly close. Still, he was happy to see her, if only because it felt freeing to recover his family without the hurt, and the pain, and the crippling loneliness. 

 

“How have you been?” Andromeda asked cheerily. “Your music is lovely. Did you write it? How long have you been free?”

 

Regulus smiled at her, a little overwhelmed. “Um, good, I suppose. Thank you, yes I did. And, um, a couple of years. How have you been?”

 

“Oh, you know,” Andromeda said, brushing a wavy lock of hair from her face. “It’s tiring being a mom, but it’s… it’s all I really could’ve wanted. Ted is amazing, my daughter’s a sweetheart, I have a stable, well-paying job. I feel very lucky.”

 

Regulus smiled. “I’m happy for you.” 

 

“Mommy!” A little girl with short bubblegum pink hair ran up, hugging Andromeda’s legs. She could only be five at the oldest. “Mommy! Mommy!” 

 

Andromeda kneeled down with a soft smile, opening her arms to the girl. “Hi, sweetie! How was the show?” 

 

“It was great! It was fun and they sounded good.”

 

Regulus couldn’t help the smile that crept up onto his face. He watched Sirius kneel down, the little girl running into his arms. Sirius picked her up, grinning, as she squealed, revealing a cute little gap-toothed grin.

 

“Reggie, this is Dora,” Sirius said, bouncing the little girl in his arms.

 

“ Nymphadora , Sirius,” Andromeda interjected.

 

Sirius ignored her, looking at the little girl- Nymphadora. “Dora, this is your Uncle Reggie. He’s my brother.”

 

Nymphadora looked at him with wide eyes. “You’re the pretty boy from the show.”

 

Regulus smiled softly and nodded. “Yeah. I’m Regulus. It’s nice to meet you.”

 

Dora blinked at him. “You’re my uncle?” Regulus nodded. “I never met you before.” Regulus nodded once more.

 

“I haven’t had much contact with your mom or your Uncle Sirius for a while,” Regulus said. “But I’m glad I get to meet you now.”

 

Nymphadora yawned a little sleepily, showing off her gap teeth. “Why weren’t you talking to Mommy and Uncle Siri?”

 

Regulus hesitated, the smile slipping from his face for a moment. “I… I’ll tell you when you’re older. Okay?”

 

Nymphadora nodded, leaning on Sirius’s shoulder. “Okay, Uncle Reggie.” She turned to her mother, Andromeda watching with a soft smile on her face. “Mommy, I’m tired. Can we go home?”

 

“Of course, baby,” Andromeda said, carefully taking her daughter from Sirius’s arms. She looked to Regulus with a warm smile. “Sirius will give you my number. Feel free to contact me at any time. I’m sure Nymphadora would love to see you again.”

 

Regulus smiled. “Yeah, sure. It was… It was great to see you, Andy. Thank you for stopping by.”

 

Andromeda grinned, and for a moment, her smile was just like Sirius’s, making Regulus feel warm, safe. “Of course, Reggie.”

 

Andromeda set down Nymphadora gently before hugging Sirius tightly. He expected her to leave, but instead, she hugged Regulus tightly, smiling warmly.

 

Andromeda pulled away, holding her daughter’s hand. As they walked away, Nymphadora turned around, waving.

 

“Bye, Uncle Reggie! Bye, Uncle Siri!” She called out. Sirius chuckled, grinning as he waved back.

 

“Bye, Dora!” Regulus smiled, watching her walk away. Sirius elbowed him, getting Regulus to chuckle and wave. Dora grinned, gap-toothed. As she looked back at them, she stumbled over her bright yellow sneakers. Regulus chuckled as Nymphadora turned to look where she was going.

 

“She’s cute, isn’t she?” Sirius said, nudging Regulus’s shoulder. Regulus chuckled in response. “She’s four. Her favorite colors are pink and yellow. She doesn’t really like most people using her full name, only her mom. She likes going out in the backyard behind Andromeda’s house and picking flowers, and finding frogs.”

 

“Sirius,” Regulus said, stopping him. “Why… Why are you telling me all of this?” He was curious. It seemed like a very sudden outburst.

 

Sirius smiled. “You’re her Uncle Reggie now. As far as she knows, you weren’t before. I think you should at least know about your family.” Family .

 

This was the family that Regulus hadn’t been able to have. He had friends, and they were a family of sorts, but these… These were the people who could’ve been there for him the entire time. They had lives, and they had families, and they had the joy Regulus had been searching for, but they were still willing to let them into their life, to let him have a family.

 

Well, now he did, and that was… strange, but beautiful. He was the uncle of a four-year-old girl who he knew nothing about. He, whether she knew it or not, was a part of her life, and would have some sort of impact on it, and that was scary. But it made him feel warm and overjoyed. 

 

Family, it was a part of Regulus’s life that he hadn’t expected. It was scary having these connections form so suddenly, but it was incredible. He didn’t know how to deal with these connections, how to sort out the emotions in his mind. That was okay, he supposed. He didn’t need to figure out how he felt about these connections at that moment. He was just… Ready, he supposed, to have a brother, and a cousin, and people who loved him. That made him happy.

 

He was finally ready to love, and to be loved.

Notes:

Hope you enjoyed xoxo

Leave comments, they make my life so much better <3333

Chapter 26: False Smiles

Notes:

I asked a certain someone if I should post and they said yes so here you go :3

Regulus, unfortunately, didn’t get a day off at this location. Then again, no one did, and at least if he had to work all day, he had his friends, his brother, and his boyfriend with him. The endless seeming barrage of interviews would maybe be tolerable if they were by his side.

 

Interviews were always the part of his job that he dreaded. It was okay when they stuck to the music. Regulus could talk about the music for hours. Usually, though, they wanted intrigue. They wanted personal questions, and Regulus didn’t want to answer them. He was feeling much more open now, though. It was like talking to Sirius released the life that Regulus had kept secret for so long. He wasn’t ready to share much about his childhood, but it was freeing in a way, to think that he could.

 

There was a certain anxiety to it, as he sat in the car, sandwiched between Sirius and James. They were going to an interview with Rita Skeeter, a journalist famous for her eye-catching headlines. She liked to dig up things that could ruin careers, if not lives. 

 

James could clearly see his anxiety, because he grabbed Regulus’s hand, squeezing gently. Regulus looked over at him and smiled softly. ‘Love you’ James mouthed, before giving him a grin. For just a moment, Regulus let himself lean on James’ shoulder. He hoped it would be enough to tell James that he loved him too.

 

James held his hand up until the moment that they had to get out of the car. Regulus gave him a small smile, and James smiled back. Encouraging him, maybe.

 

As they walked towards the building, Sirius grabbed Regulus’s hand. He looked a little worried, even though he carried himself with so much confidence.

 

“You alright, Reg?” Sirius asked. Regulus nodded, taking a deep breath.

 

“Yeah. Just anxious, I suppose.” Sirius nodded.

 

“Just smile. Be witty. You don’t have to tell her anything that you don’t want to,” Sirius said, squeezing his hand. Regulus gave him a small, anxious smile, and nodded. Sirius ruffled his hair, causing Regulus to scoff and glare. Sirius grinned before walking over to Remus, chatting animatedly as he always did with Remus. Sirius was never like that with anyone else. Regulus was glad that Sirius was happy.

 

Rita Skeeter was an artificial beauty. Her curls were bleached blonde, neatly styled and piled atop her head. She was alarmingly pale, the only color on her face coming from bright red lipstick. She wore an emerald colored suit, and a bright white smile. She wasn’t ugly by any means. More like… she was a predator, luring in its prey, only to tear at the poor creature’s carcass. She wore the same smile that Regulus’s mother always did, cunningly artificial. 

 

“Good morning,” she chirped, her voice high and cheery. She held a pen in her hand, between long white-painted nails. “It’s absolutely lovely to see all of you here today!”

 

Sirius smiled with faux confidence. Regulus could always tell the difference between his real smile, and the fake one, the one that he used to protect himself. “It’s great to see you as well, Miss Skeeter.”

 

“Oh, please,” Rita said, grabbing Sirius’s hand without permission and shaking it quickly. “Call me Rita. All of you can call me Rita.” Regulus could tell that she was trying to look kind. There was a certain cunning in her eyes, something snakelike, trying to draw them in.

 

‘Just smile.’

 

That’s what Sirius had said. Regulus grinned easily, drawing from the calm, solid exterior that he had used for so long. He hadn’t needed it in years, not since he moved in with Evan, but he still knew how to do it, still had to fight off the urge to hide himself away. Now, he could just relax, let the cold seep in and cover him, hiding his features from the world. Rita must have noticed the change, peering at him over red-framed glasses with notable interest. 

 

“You must be Regulus!” She said, her voice sickly sweet. Regulus was never quite sure how to talk to people like this, drenched in false sweetness. She rushed forward to shake his hand, just as she had done to Sirius, but he was quicker, extending his hand stiffly as his father always did when making business deals. That’s all this was. Business.

 

“It’s a pleasure,” Regulus said quietly, with just enough sweetness to sound kind. “I’ve heard great things about your articles, though I haven’t gotten around to reading any.”

 

“Oh, you flatter me,” Rita said, shaking his hand and bearing a bright smile. Eventually, she let go of his hand, ushering them all into plush velvet armchairs. “Sit! Get comfortable!”

 

Regulus sat down, though he had a very difficult time getting comfortable under Rita’s watchful eyes, cold and sharp. One one side of him sat Barty, who glanced over at him with concern. On the other sat Sirius, who nodded at him, granting him a little bit of the confidence his brother had.

 

“Let’s get started, shall we?” Rita chirped, tapping a pen against a notepad. Her eyes glanced around the group in a way that unsettled Regulus. He took a deep breath and regained calmness. He couldn’t afford to lose it with her. 

 

“Mr. Potter, we’ll start with you, if that’s okay,” She said sweetly. Regulus didn’t like how she looked at James, like he was a piece of meat. James nodded courteously.

 

“Sure, Rita,” James grinned. “What do you have for me?”

 

Rita smiled. “Rumour has it that you have your eye on a certain someone. Care to shed some light on the situation?”

 

James chuckled. “No, I don’t have my eye on anyone at the moment.” Regulus fidgeted uncomfortably with the hem of his shirt at that. “I am open to dating though, if someone were to show interest.” James glanced in Regulus’s direction, grinning. Regulus hoped that Rita wouldn’t notice how his cheeks warmed.

 

“The internet seems to think that your relationship with Lily Evans, of the online group ‘The Valkyries’, is a little bit more than just platonic.”

 

James shook his head. “No, Lily and I have only ever been friends. We’ve known each other since our teens. We’ve never been interested in each other like that.”

 

Rita smiled. “Hm, interesting. Well, I don’t really have any more for you to discuss for now, Mr. Potter.”

 

James nodded, smiling. “That’s okay, Rita. If you think of more questions to ask me, feel free.”

 

“Don’t worry, Mr. Potter. I will,” Rita said, scribbling on her notepad, smiling to herself. “Well then, Mr. Crouch, I have a few questions for you.”

 

Barty shifted uncomfortably. “Yes, Rita?” He smiled charismatically.

 

“I’m sure you know what I’m going to ask you about,” Rita said, ever so sweetly. “I know you posted an apology on social media, but I’d love to ask you about your outburst during your interview with Miss Patricia Kane.”

 

“Ah,” Barty said. “Yes. I am quite apologetic about snapping at Ms. Kane. That was rude of me.”

 

“Yes, I know what you said in your formal apology, Mr. Crouch,” Rita said dismissively. “I was more curious about some of the things that were said during the interview.” Rita stared at Barty for a moment, before scribbling onto her notepad. “Miss Kane suggested that you had a history of criminal activity-”

 

“She suggested a lot of things,” Barty muttered bitterly.

 

“Would you like to comment?” Rita asked, smiling.

 

“Sure, Rita,” Barty said, plastering a smile onto his face. “I’ve been to jail a few times. Nothing major. Just some stupid decisions that I made in my teens.”

 

“Barty, you don’t have to talk about this,” Evan whispered to him. “You don’t owe her answers.”

 

“It’s fine, Evan,” Barty reassured him. They were all very well acquainted with Barty’s history, whether it was bailing him out of jail and returning stolen objects, or patching him up after fights on the street.

 

“Could you go into a bit more detail about your time as a criminal?” Rita asked, writing on her notepad.

 

“There isn’t much to it. I didn’t have much growing up, so I stole. Small things, really. I didn’t get caught too often, but Evan and Regulus would always get me to return them.” That wasn’t entirely true. Sometimes people deserved what Barty did, and they would let him. Sometimes Barty pawned them off before Evan and Regulus could do anything. “Other than that, I got into fights on the street. Sometimes I picked them, sometimes I didn’t. Sometimes they arrested us, sometimes I just went home after.”

 

Rita hummed, still jotting things down on her notepad. “And what about the homosexuality allegations?”

 

“Pardon?”

 

“The allegations about you being a homosexual.”

 

Barty snorted. “Those weren’t allegations. I’m gay.”

 

Rita nodded. “I see.” She jotted something down quickly on her notepad. “And about the main topic of the conversation? A possible relation to British politician Bartemius Crouch?”

 

Barty went stone-faced, his tone colder as he spoke. “I said it in the interview with Miss Kane, I’ll say it again. I have no relation to that man.” Rita hummed, still jotting things down on that notepad.

 

“Thank you, Mister Crouch. My next few questions are for Mister Black. Both of you, please.”

 

Regulus turned to Sirius, who gave him an affirmative nod. This was going to be okay. They would be okay.

 

“Of course, Rita,” Sirius said sweetly. “What would you like to ask us?”

 

Rita smiled a small, cold smile, sharp at the edges. “Well, you both look quite similar, as I’m sure you’ve heard, and you share a last name. Would it be preposterous to assume that you two have some sort of blood relation?”

 

Sirius shook his head. “Not at all, Rita.”

 

“Really? How would you describe your relation to one another?”

 

“We’re brothers,” Sirius said. “Simple as that.”

 

Rita looked down at her notepad before glancing up again with cold, sharp eyes. “That’s very interesting, considering that in your very first interview together, you claimed to have no connection to one another. Why did you say that then?”

 

Regulus felt his breath go shallower, a reply getting caught in his throat. It was too personal now, filled with more baggage than Rita knew. But no, she knew. She had to know with the icy smile she gave Regulus and the cold glint of her eyes. She wanted to cut into him, pull out the soft, delicate bits that he kept protected. He couldn’t stop her. There was nothing he could do. But there was something, the only thing that allowed him survival in his early years. He put up the mask, going silent and still, his mouth set in a frown. Rita noticed, and her smile widened ever so slightly. Barty noticed, putting a hand on Regulus’s. Sirius noticed, and he knew it all too well.

 

“I’m sorry, Rita, but could we have a few minutes of break?” Sirius asked, keeping that bright false smile on his face. Regulus could feel Sirius’s hand on his shoulder, offering the slightest bit of comfort. Rita hummed and nodded, still smiling, sickeningly sweet.

 

“Sure. Take as long as you need. Though we will need to wrap up by three.”

 

“Of course,” Sirius said, ushering Regulus out of his seat. Regulus didn’t respond. He just stood up, walking as Sirius tugged him gently by his wrist. 

 

Sirius led him down the hall, where the bathrooms were, and into the restroom. Regulus remained silent. Sirius waited until the restroom door shut behind them to hug Regulus tightly. Regulus stayed still, silent, not even returning the embrace.

 

“I know what you’re doing, Reggie,” Sirius spoke quietly. Regulus knew he did. He would have to be familiar with it after spending so much time in their childhood home. “I used to be able to help you out of it. Do you remember that? I used to get you to smile.” 

 

Regulus did remember. He remembered galas full of loud music and chatter, and stuffy suits, and Sirius’s grin as he led him outside. He remembered standing on balconies and just breathing as Sirius smoked cigarettes. Those were the happy memories, the brief cracks of light in a mostly dark and blacked-out childhood.

 

“I wish I still knew how to help you,” Sirius said. “But you’re grown now. You’re… you’re not the kid who I got to laugh. I just… I don’t know what you need anymore.”

 

Did Sirius even know him anymore? Did Regulus even know him ? He knew Sirius as his rebellious teen brother, the one who protected him, and made him smile. The one who drifted away from him until he was gone altogether.

 

“I know that you don’t really want to think about the life we had,” Sirius murmured. “I get it, trust me. But just… when you shut down like this, you’re still there. You’re still stuck in that house. Let go of it. Please Regulus. It’ll take time, but let go.”

 

Regulus was crying now. Tears seeped through the cracks in the mask, the ones that Sirius always chipped at until he could see Regulus’s face. Regulus didn’t realize he could still do that, could still break through the shell and let him be okay.

 

Eyeliner streamed down his cheeks with the tears. Sirius continued hugging him, letting him feel. And Regulus was back, on balconies under the stars, letting Sirius remove his mask with the smell of cigarette smoke and ash. He could almost see the stars that watched over them.

 

Regulus raised his arms and clutched the back of Sirius’s shirt, holding his brother close to him as he sobbed. He could feel his hands shaking. 

 

Sirius let Regulus cry until he could breathe again. His chest felt lighter than it had in a long time, and he relished in the air flowing in and out of his lungs. Sirius dried his tears and cleaned off the remaining tracks of washed-away eyeliner. Sirius let Regulus sit in silence, and just breathe. He was grateful, not just for the help, but for his brother as a whole, always breaking through the mask.

Notes:

Hope you enjoyed xoxo

Comments are love comments are life (this isn't targeted at a specific person idk what you're talking abt)

Chapter 27: Undeniably

Notes:

Hi guys I'm a teensy bit ill but that means I've been writing so... have fun!!

Eventually, Regulus had to emerge from the bathroom with Sirius and continue the interview. It wouldn’t be good, he knew that, but he had to. He had to.

 

Sirius slowly led him back to the room and sat him down in the same armchair he had sat in before. Sirius sat down as well.

 

“We’re back, Rita,” Sirius grinned. Regulus forced a smile onto his face. James glanced over to him concernedly. Regulus smiled softly. It was always more real with James.

 

“I’m afraid we have quite a bit less time now,” Rita said, glancing down at her notes and straightening them. “But we will continue the interview for a bit.”

 

Rita cleared her throat. “We have two groups of siblings here with us. One, as we now know, is Mister and Mister Black, who… we will get back to. The second is Mister and Miss Rosier, the only children from the Rosier family.” Rita glanced up coldly. “Tell me, what was it like coming from money such as that belonging to the Rosier family?”

 

Evan shrugged. “It’s old money that we’ve never really used. Our great-grandfather ran a factory for something or other. I was never involved with the family business. That was on our father’s side.”

 

“Mum divorced Father when we were seven. Got plenty of money from the divorce too,” Pandora added sweetly, smiling softly. “We never had money problems, and we were very happy.”

 

Rita frowned. “Surely that must have been difficult for you? Being a child going through your parents’ divorce? Losing the money that comes with the Rosier family name?”

 

Evan shook his head. “Our mum got full custody for a reason. We didn’t need the Rosier family name. We still don’t. The divorce wasn’t easy for us, but it was harder for our mum. Still, she wasn’t happy, and now she is.”

 

Rita pressed her lips together and scribbled onto her notepad. “Well then. Mister Lupin, I have a few questions for you, if you don’t mind.”

 

Remus stiffened, pressing his lips together in discomfort. “I’m a bit of a private person, so forgive me if I don’t answer certain questions.”

 

Rita batted her eyelashes, smiling so sweetly. “Oh, I’m just a tad bit curious about some of your scars . Your fans are quite curious as well.” Remus closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Sirius put a gentle hand on his arm, and Regulus saw Rita’s gaze flit down to the touch.

 

“I’m sorry, Miss Skeeter,” Remus said quietly, staring at the ground. “That’s quite a… sensitive topic for me.”

 

Regulus could swear he saw Rita’s eye twitch, but she still smiled sweetly. 

 

“Of course, Mister Lupin. And please, call me Rita,” she said, a little coldness seeping into her voice. “Is there anything at all that you feel comfortable telling us?”

 

“You don’t have to, Moons,” Regulus heard Sirius whisper to Remus, but Remus brushed him off with a small smile.

 

“I got them in my childhood,” Remus said softly. “I wasn’t a very… happy kid, and I tended to… I guess it would be considered acting out? I mean, I tried my best in school, but I was considered a bit of a troublemaker.”

 

“So did you get them in an accident?” Rita asked, visibly annoyed now, tapping her pen against her notepad. “Causing some sort of trouble?”

 

Remus smiled and shook his head. “No. But people thought I did. I’ve been getting better since I started college, and I’ve been in therapy for quite a while.”

 

“Then what did cause them?” Rita asked in irritation. Remus just sighed.

 

“I’m afraid that I’m not comfortable sharing more,” Remus said, and Regulus grinned. He was glad to see him setting boundaries like Regulus couldn’t. He was glad to see Remus putting her to a stop. 

 

“Fine,” Rita grumbled, before taking a deep breath and plastering that cutting smile back onto her face. “I think perhaps we should cut off for today and continue another day?”

 

Sirius faked a grin. “Thank you, Rita. We’ll reach out.”

 

Regulus knew that they wouldn’t. He could see the exhaustion slipping onto the faces of everyone in the room. Everyone except for Rita, who continued smiling with sickly sweetness as they stood up and silently walked out of the room.

 

Regulus stayed silent as they left, only speaking again once he returned to the hotel to say that he was tired before leaving to his room. He was eager for the quiet serenity of his own solitude, craving it after the long, horrid morning that he had experienced.

 

Regulus collapsed into his bed at the first moment he could, letting out a soft sigh of relief. He reached over to grab his phone and put on music, some odd old man that Pandora was rather fond of. He put it on shuffle, letting the song waft over him as he gently closed his eyes.

 

“ Oh Vera my sweet

I would offer you some meat

In exchange for a good loaf of wax

I would smear it on you

And on all your apples too

If I thought it would help you relax”

 

Regulus looked up in confusion at the odd lyrics. Then again, Pandora generally preferred things that were odd. It wasn’t all that surprising that she would enjoy this. 

 

“But the bones in the ground

Well they never make a sound

And the bones in the ground are all fine

And the bones in the air

Well they haven't got a care

And the bones in the air are all mine”

 

Regulus skipped to the next song, before laying back down, his arms crossed over his chest as he breathed deeply.

 

“Is this love?

Is this love?

Is this, is this, is this love?

Lost Madonna of the wasps,

I wonder where we crossed

I wonder why she lost me”

 

Regulus smiled softly and sighed deeply. This song was nice. Quite catchy too. It was more of Pandora’s sort of thing than Regulus’s, but he liked it well enough. He let his eyes shut as he breathed, his fingers tapping to the beat on his arm. He let the song lull him softly to sleep, the music slipping to silence.

 

“Is this love?

Is this love?”

 

✵✵✵✧✧✧✵✵✵

 

Regulus awoke to knuckles rapping against his door. He felt a little unsettled, jarred awake by the noise as he blinked awake a few times, processing the beige ceiling above him. Music was still playing from his phone, a lulling rhythmic tune. Regulus pressed pause before pulling him from the cool linen bed sheets. He brushed his clothes flat before going to open the door. James was standing outside the door, his lovely dark curls brushed a little neater than usual.

 

“James?” Regulus yawned, rubbing at his eyes. James smiled softly, brushing a limp curl out of Regulus’s face. 

 

“Hey, love,” James said softly. “I, um, I came to ask if you’d like to get dinner with me, but you seem a bit tired, so-”

 

“No,” Regulus cut him off. “I- I’d love to go out with you. Just give me a few minutes to get ready?”

 

James leaned in to kiss Regulus’s forehead. “Of course, love. Take your time.”

 

Regulus smiled as he shut the door.

 

After a few minutes, Regulus stepped out again, more put together than before. His hair was brushed and he had thrown a black hoodie over his t-shirt. He didn’t look nice, necessarily, but he looked acceptable for the outside world.

 

“Okay,” Regulus said softly, smiling up at James. “We can go now.”

 

✵✵✵✧✧✧✵✵✵

 

After a delicious dinner at the Japanese place of James’s choice, Regulus remembered how James was possibly the best person on the planet. He had found a lovely little coffee shop/bookstore within walking distance of the restaurant. It was cute, filled with scented candles and soft instrumental music. Regulus was left speechless as James smiled at him, rubbing the small of his back.

 

“James…” Regulus said, giddy, glancing up at him with a childlike smile.

 

“Anything you want, love,” James replied, smiling. “Candles, books, drinks, whatever. I’ll buy them for you.”

 

Regulus grinned, pressing his hands to James’s chest and leaning up on the tips of his toes to press a gentle kiss to James’s lips. “Thanks, Jamie.”

 

James smiled softly, looking at Regulus so fondly. “Love you, Reg.”

 

Regulus grinned, bright and joyful before bounding into the store.

 

He ran his hand across wooden shelves and uneven pages of books, enjoying the sensation under the tips of his fingers. Within a few minutes, he had already found a few books that interested him: A collection of Edgar Allen Poe short stories and poems, a new-smelling copy of Welcome to the Monkey House, a colorful-covered book called the Master and Margarita, which Regulus almost entirely picked up for the odd image of a cat on the cover. He also found a lovely minty-spiced smelling candle called ‘Galaxy’ , which Regulus really felt he had to have.

 

There was also a queer section, which Regulus mostly stopped into due to the glass jar full of colorful pride flags and bracelets. He picked up a gay pride flag bracelet and slipped it onto his wrist. He grabbed a gay fabric flag and pinched the fabric between his fingers. It felt soft, and nice, and comfortable.

 

He glanced through the books, not really finding anything until he glanced upon a book with asexuality in the title. He let his fingers linger on it for a moment.

 

Regulus was… something. As time had passed, he had gone through a couple of labels. He wasn’t really sure anymore. Being gay always made sense to him. He liked men, that was that. He just… didn’t really understand the allure of sex. People were pretty, people looked nice, but he just- he had never wanted someone to touch him. He told Pandora that one time on a drunken night and she had told him that he may be asexual. He had kind of been sticking in that in between area of not really understanding and wanting, craving that desire that he should feel. He should feel it. Not feeling it got him into trouble, with touch that felt bad and wrong, and why wouldn’t they stop touching-

 

He had never wanted to be touched. And then James came along, with his kindness, and his loyalty, and his loving, and his smile like the sun. He showed up, and he clicked, and he rooted himself in Regulus’s mind, and heart, and soul until Regulus’s world revolved around him, and he was beautiful, and warm, and for the first time in his life, he wanted to reach out and touch .

 

James showed up and confused Regulus, changed his life, changed his experience, and Regulus didn’t know anymore. He still didn’t feel this attraction, or this want to touch, and to be touched with anyone else. It was just James. Only James. Beautiful, kind, lovely, wonderful, honest James.

 

Regulus bit his lip and grabbed the book from the shelf, holding it close to him. Maybe it would help. He hoped it would help.

 

Once Regulus’s arms were full of books, and candles, and those pride bracelets from the jar, he made his way to James, who took everything, aside from the book on asexuality and the pride flags. He loved James, he would tell James eventually, he just wanted to know for sure who he was and what he would say before he did.

 

He took the book, and the bracelets, and the flags and made his way to the checkout counter. There was a tall, thin, dark-skinned person, with a pin that Regulus recognized as the nonbinary flag on their overalls.

 

“Hello,” they said cheerily, smiling softly. “How can we help you today?”

 

Regulus set down the book, the bracelets and the flag. “I’d like to purchase these, please.”

 

They looked down at the pile and smiled knowingly. “Ah. You liked the pride section then? Not many people go back there, but I still stock it. My partners and I think it’s important, and we run the store, so we might as well.”

 

Regulus smiled and nodded. “Yeah, honestly, I quite appreciate it. And the flags and bracelets are lovely. They didn’t have a listed price though.”

 

They smiled. “You like them? I make them. Well, I make the bracelets. My boyfriend makes the flags. And they’re complimentary. You can take as many as you want.”

 

Regulus arched a curious eyebrow. “You sure? I mean, they’re really, really lovely.”

 

They shrugged. “I think it’s more supportive to let people have them if they want them, and, like I said, not a lot of people go back there.”

 

Regulus smiled softly. “Thank you anyways.”

 

They smiled. “No problem. The book is twelve dollars.”

 

Regulus handed them his credit card, and as they scanned it, he blurted out, “What’s your name?”

 

They looked up, surprised looking at first, and then smiling at him again. “Kay. My name is Kay. You?”

 

“Regulus,” He said, and this felt right. He felt a sort of kinship with this person, with Kay.

 

They handed him his book and his credit card with a soft smile. “It’s nice to meet you, Regulus.”

 

“Yeah,” Regulus said softly. “You too, Kay.”

 

Kay nodded in James’s direction, where he was leaned against the wall, Regulus’s things in his arms. “I saw you talking to him earlier. Boyfriend?”

 

Regulus nodded. “Yeah.”

 

Kay reached over and tapped on the cover of the book. “Does he… know?”

 

Regulus shook his head. “Not yet. Honestly, I’m not even sure what to call it, or what to call myself.”

 

Kay shrugged. “Fair enough. That why you bought this one yourself while he’s holding all your stuff?”

 

Regulus nodded proudly. “Yep. He’s paying for the rest.”

 

Kay chuckled. “Good for you. Have a good day, man. And good luck on your journey.”

 

Regulus smiled and nodded firmly. “You too.”

 

Regulus gave them a small final wave before walking over to James, who was simultaneously walking towards the counter.

 

“Had fun, love?” James asked, smiling fondly. Regulus leaned up and kissed him, sweet, but proud, and undeniably in love.

 

“Yep,” Regulus said, pulling away ever so slightly to rest flat on his feet. “Go pay so that we can go home. You’re staying with me tonight.”

 

Notes:

(Songs: Bones in the Ground by Robyn Hitchcock, Madonna of the Wasps by Robyn Hitchcock) (I KNOW IT'S OBSCURE SHHHH I HAVE MY FATHER'S MUSIC TASTE)

Hope you enjoyed xoxo

Please leave comments they make me so happy

Chapter 28: Joy

Notes:

Hi guys I was planning on posting yesterday but I was stuck in a bus outrunning a tornado :p So here you go!!!

Regulus had electricity in his veins, wires going through him as he sat in the dressing room. That was what he had told Dorcas, told her that he was ready to put on a show, and to be himself. He let Dorcas paint his face in green, thin lightning bolts of pale skin stretching down his face amidst the bright, shocking green. He grinned at his reflection. Dorcas let out an annoyed huff.

 

“Stay still,” she grumbled, painting his lips a darker, more emerald color, and then lining them with black.

 

“Sorry, Cas,” Regulus said, grinning as she pulled away, placing the lip liner on the dresser. She spun his chair and started fluffing up his curls, running fingers through the knots and gently untangling the few of them. Regulus liked his hair too much to let it tangle.

 

Dorcas tied up his hair in a low ponytail, soft and fluffy against the base of his neck.

 

“You’re good, Regulus,” she said, a smile in her voice, and Regulus turned around, scuffing his boots against the polished wooden floor. 

 

“Hi,” a girl’s voice came through, sing-song, as Cerci popped her head in through the door, rapping her knuckles against the wall. “Heard you guys had a rough interview yesterday, so figured I’d stop in.”

 

She stepped in, bottles of flavored water in hand, and tossed them around. Regulus was handed one with an orange label, that was, of course, orange flavored. He opened it up and took a sip, closing his eyes.

 

“Thank you, Cerci,” Regulus said, smiling slightly.

 

“No problem,” she said, grinning. She turned to walk out, and just before she turned the corner, she spoke again. “Oh, you’re on in five.”

 

Regulus took another sip and sighed. “You guys ready to go?”

 

✵✵✵✧✧✧✵✵✵

 

Regulus stepped onto the stage confidently, more confident that he had for the entire tour. There was buzzing under his skin, sunshine in his blood, fire in his heart. There was loud, thundering applause. Regulus took a deep breath and grabbed the microphone, grinning wildly.

 

“Good evening, DC!” Regulus said, and the crowd cheered. He pulled away from the mic to huff out a quiet laugh. “It’s so cool to see you all here tonight, I hope you enjoy the show.”

 

More clapping, more cheers, more approval, and Regulus smiled fondly. He loved it, loved performing and feeling their eyes on him, caring, approving, focused on him in a way that no one had been for so long. He loved the adrenaline of a performance. He realized with a start that, for what felt like the first time, he could honestly say that he loved himself , loved his life , was so ridiculously happy .

 

And that was the interesting thing about joy for Regulus. Joy was powerful and beautiful, but there was the lingering taste of doubt on his tongue, that voice telling him that no matter how wonderful the world felt he didn’t deserve it and everything he loved would disappear . Happiness was met with despair was met with rage because he didn’t deserve to doubt his own joy. He didn’t deserve to have his joy be weighted, heavy on his chest.

 

Regulus could laugh. That joy, its twin pain, he had written so many songs about it. A coping mechanism, probably, putting the feelings into words. It had gathered him a following. It made him happy. It let him meet James, and reconnect with his brother. It let him get closer to finally moving out of Evan’s apartment and being independent for the first time in his life. 

 

Here he was, at his brightest point, and he was still singing about that pain.

 

Somewhere along the way, it started bringing him joy.

 

He spoke into the microphone once more. “I haven’t talked a lot about how glad I am to be on this tour. So much thanks to the Marauders and their team for inviting us, we love them so, so much, by the way. But, um, it’s been really wonderful getting to know them, and spending more time with Sirius, who, if you didn’t know, is my brother. Um, this first song is in no way about him, but it’s dedicated to him.”

 

Regulus nodded to Barty and Dorcas, and then Pandora. Pandora started singing behind him, high and airy, while Barty and Dorcas played softly, lowly.

 

“If changin' my clothes would make you like me more

If changin' my hair would make you care

Then I'd grab the kitchen scissors

And cut myself to slivers

For you”

 

Regulus wrote this song not long after Sirius left. He didn’t cope very well with the missing, with the emptiness that his brother had left behind. Scars still line his upper thighs, always hidden, rarely thought about anymore. The original draft of the song was stained with tears and blood.

 

“If being more polite would keep you satisfied

If being less insane would make you stay

Then I'd be more like my sister

Say, "Thank you, ma'am and mister"

To you, for you”

 

Regulus, of course, did not have a sister. Then again, when he wrote the song, he didn’t have a brother either. Narcissa had taken his place for a little bit, and then she was gone, married off. He lost his brother, and then he lost the next best thing. He hadn’t seen her since. He missed her.

 

“ I've changed every part of me

Until the puzzle pieces aren't me at all

I look in the mirror, now I'm just a jigsaw-aw

You take every part of me, all of the things you need

Then the rest, you discard

I look in the mirror, now I'm just a jigsaw-aw”

 

“All I did just to make you happy

Still, you don't even fucking love me”

 

He pulled away roughly before leaning back in to shout into the mic, just as Evan did from his drums.

 

“Jigsaw, jigsaw, jigsaw, jigsaw”

 

The words were written in Evan’s voice, drafted for his tone. His voice was the feeling of being put back together, the feeling of healing, the feeling of being cared about. Regulus didn’t deserve it, but he had it, and he clinged to it.

 

“Killin' parts of myself to fit you

Clear as shit I was not the issue”

 

The years he had taken to write this line and mean it, the tears he had shed, the way he had screamed. The way he was screaming now. Letting himself feel. He was glad to feel.

 

The music went quiet, Evan still and silent as he stared at Regulus. Regulus could feel his eyes boring into the back of his head. Dorcas and Barty were quiet, staring at him sadly, not with pity, but concern and care.

 

“If I made you like me, would I even like myself?

Pointin' out all my flaws doesn't help”

 

Regulus shed a small tear, green makeup dripping down his face.

 

“Why don't you love me?

Don't you love me?”

 

Regulus screamed, Pandora and Evan singing in the background, assisting in the melody as Regulus’s voice broke.

 

“I've changed every part of me

Until the puzzle pieces aren't me at all

I look in the mirror, now I'm just a jigsaw-aw

You take every part of me, all of the things you need

Then the rest, you discard

I look in the mirror, now I'm just a jigsaw-aw”

 

The audience boomed for him, and Regulus inhaled a stuttered breath as he wiped away the tear that now lingered on his chin. He smiled, liberated by the thunder of his heart as he clutched one hand over it and laughed breathlessly before plunging into their next song.

 

✵✵✵✧✧✧✵✵✵

 

Regulus stayed after the show while the rest of the band went to get drinks. He sat in the back, removing his makeup until that was left was pale skin, pressed pink from constant rubbing of makeup wipes.

 

He sat in the back, sipping on water and nodding his head along with the music until James and Sirius bounded backstage energetically, laughing loudly, while Marlene cheered, grinning along with them. Remus followed behind them, a little quieter, but still smiling, his eyes joyfully wrinkled in the corners. Sirius paused for only a moment when he saw Regulus before running forward and scooping his little brother into a hug.

 

“You were fantastic, Reg!” Sirius said loudly. “Were you waiting for the show to end? Were you listening? Did you like it?” He was grinning wildly, running black-painted fingernails through long black hair.

 

Regulus smiled, tired but still overjoyed. “Yeah. You were good, Siri. Really good.”

 

Marlene grinned at him from where she was hanging off of Remus’s neck, jumping up onto the tall man’s back.

 

“Come on, Baby Black!” She said playfully, tilting her head. “No love for the rest of us?”

 

Regulus rolled his eyes with a small smile. “I suppose you were alright as well.”

 

James grinned and Marlene laughed brightly.

 

“I suppose that’s the best we’re going to get,” James said with a chuckle, fidgeting with the shiny gold rings on his fingers.

 

“Yep! That’s Reggie for you,” Sirius said, teasingly, ruffling Regulus’s hair. Regulus irritatedly reached up to fix his hair. “Always such an emotionless little shit.” He said it with a fondness that Regulus had only heard in memory.

 

Regulus scoffed, and redid his hair, watching James’s eyes train on his throat as Regulus tied his hair back up. Regulus smirked at him. James grinned shamelessly in response.

 

“Do you four have anything to do, or can we go get some drinks?” Regulus asked, feigning disinterest.

 

Sirius’s eyes brightened. “You want to get drinks with me and my friends?” He looked absolutely delighted at the idea of Regulus wanting to spend time with him.

 

Regulus rolled his eyes. “Answer the question, Sirius.”

 

Remus laughed warmly. “Yes, Regulus, I’m sure we’d all love to get drinks with you. You can invite your bandmates if you want.”

 

Regulus shrugged, smiling. “Sure. I’ll text them.”

 

10:17

 

Regulus: Does anyone want to meet me and the Marauders at a bar for some drinks?

 

Barty Bitch: Could this be?

Barty Bitch: Regulus?

Barty Bitch: Socializing?

 

Regulus: Fuck you.

 

Barty Bitch: Love you too bestie <3

 

Annoying Roommate: He means yes.

The Lesbian: Where are we meeting?

 

Regulus: idk

Regulus: I’ll send you my location when we get there.

 

Annoying Roommate: kk

 

The Lesbian: okay

The Lesbian: Me and Pandora will get ready

 

Regulus: *Pandora and I

 

The Lesbian: stfu

 

Regulus laughed a little bit. Sirius peeked over his shoulder.

 

“What’s they say?” he asked, smiling hopefully at Regulus. 

 

“They said yes,” Regulus said with a roll of his eyes. “I’ll send them my location when we get there.”

 

Sirius’s face lit up again, and he hugged Regulus tightly. Regulus let himself smile and hug his brother back, patting him gently on the back.

 

Sirius pulled away, smiling lightly at him. “I really am glad that you’re spending time with me, Reggie.”

 

Reglus gave him a fond smile. “Yeah, yeah. Now come on, let’s go.”

 

James grinned and clapped Regulus on the back, which was a little bit jarring, a little too friendly, not quite as soft and sweet as how James usually was.

 

“I agree. Come on, I called us an Uber,” he said, grinning down at Regulus. Regulus smiled. 

 

Regulus smiled.

 

Notes:

(Song: Jigsaw by Conan Gray)

Hope you enjoyed xoxo

Please leave comments they make me SO happy

Chapter 29: A Kiss

Regulus had been taken to not quite a bar, but a club, with dim colorful lights, and loud music, bass running through the floor. He didn’t mind it nearly as much as he usually would have, with the crowds, and noise, and music. Maybe it was because he was surrounded by people he loved. Sirius was next to him, laughing loudly with Remus’s arm thrown around his shoulder and a pile of empty shot glasses on the counter next to him. Barty and Evan were still drinking, linking arms for another shot of tequila. Marlene and Dorcas were out on the dance floor, presumably bridging the gap and finally asking each other out. Probably not, but Regulus could hope. He also had a good few shots in his stomach, spinning on his barstool with James next to him, keeping him from falling off. 

 

“I love you, Reggie,” Sirius slurred, leaning heavily onto Remus who held him up. Regulus grinned brightly and wrapped his arms around his brother.

 

“I love you too, Siri,” Regulus said cheerily. “I missed you soooo-ooo much.”

 

Sirius grinned. “You’re the best little brother ever, Reggie.” He turned his head to press a loud, smacking kiss to Remus’s cheek. “And you’re the best guy ever, Moony.” He turned back to Regulus. “I love him so so much,” Sirius whispered to him like he was telling a secret. “But nobody knows that yet.”

 

Regulus glanced at Remus’s face to see him sitting there with a soft smile and flushed cheeks. Regulus grinned, leaning in to whisper back. “I think he loves you too.”

 

Sirius’s face lit up and he grinned. “You really, really think so?”

 

“Uh-huh,” Regulus said, grinning back.

 

Sirius leaned in and limply wrapped his arms around his brother. “Thank you, Reggie. You’re the best.”

 

Regulus giggled, and Sirius giggled, and suddenly they were both a giggling, unstable mess, almost falling off of their stools. 

 

James chuckled. “I think they’ve had enough for tonight. Don’t you think, Moons?”

 

Remus laughed. “You might be right, Prongs. I’ll take Sirius home.”

 

Sirius’s eyes snapped onto Remus. He grinned before looking back to Regulus.

 

“I’m going with Moony, Reggie,” Sirius said grinning. “I’m going with Moony!”

 

Regulus grinned, happy for his brother. “O-kay.Have fun, Siri. Bye-byee.”

 

“Bye, Reggiee,” Sirius said, kissing his brother on the forehead until leaning into Remus who was standing up. “Take me home, Moony.”

 

Regulus watched cheerily as his brother walked away, leaning on Remus to keep stable. Regulus turned behind him and kissed James lightly.

 

“Are you going to take me home too?” Regulus said innocently, staring up at James with wide eyes as he threw his arms around his neck.

 

James kissed the top of his head. “Eventually. Let’s give Remus and Sirius a few more minutes to leave before we slip out.”

 

Regulus frowned. “Why? Do you not want people to see me?” His words were slurred.

 

James smiled softly and shook his head. “You were the one who didn’t want Sirius to know yet, remember, love?”

 

“Oh,” Regulus said. “But that was before we fixed things. And now things are fixed.”

 

James chuckled and kissed his forehead again. “We can talk about this in the morning, once you’ve sobered up. Okay, baby?”

 

Regulus pouted, but conceded. “O-kay.”

 

Regulus kissed him again. “You’re pretty.”

 

James laughed at the statement, much to Regulus’s distress. “Why are you laughing? I mean it.”

 

James smiled warmly, with that smile that made his dimples show and his eyes crinkle up in the corners. Regulus loved that smile. “I know you do, love. You’re pretty too.”

 

“Then why did you laugh?”

 

James smiled. “You’ve never called me beautiful, or pretty, or anything like that before.”

 

Regulus tilted his head. “Well you are. Pretty, beautiful, everything like that. I’ve always thought so.”

 

James smiled so fondly and leaned down to kiss Regulus gently. Regulus wasn’t sure when everyone they knew had left, or maybe they were still here, and Regulus couldn’t see them. Either way, the only one that Regulus could see, or hear, or feel was James. James, James, James. 

 

Regulus collapsed into James’s neck, nosing at the column of his throat like he could find a way to bury himself under James’s skin, stay with him always.

 

“I want you to touch me,” Regulus mumbled, and James froze. 

 

“Baby-”

 

“I mean it,” Regulus said, unfortunately drawing himself out from where his face was buried in tan skin. “I want you to touch me, and I- I don’t know why. I’ve never wanted this before and-”

 

“Sh, it’s okay, love” James said softly, stroking a warm hand over Regulus’s back. “We’ll talk about this when you’re sober, okay?”

 

“But- I want you to touch me,” Regulus pouted.

 

“If you still want it when you’re sober, I will,” James said patiently. “But right now, I can’t know for certain that that’s what you want.”

 

“It is.”

 

“Maybe,” James said softly. “And if it is, there’s no harm in waiting a little bit. If it isn’t, it’s the best thing I can do for you.”

 

Regulus conceded with a sigh, dropping himself back into James’s neck. “Take me home,” he mumbled. 

 

James tilted Regulus’s head up and kissed him sweetly. “Okay, love. I’ll take you home.”

 

Regulus paused for a moment before leaning in and kissing James once more. He pulled away, smiling sweetly. He let James pull him up and help him in leaving the club. James called an Uber, holding an absent hand around Regulus’s waist. Regulus leaned up, cupping James’s cheek and kissing him deeply.

 

James smiled as he pulled away, leaning down to kiss the top of Regulus’s head. Regulus leaned into James’s chest humming contentedly.

 

“I love you,” James murmured. Regulus smiled.

 

✵✵✵✧✧✧✵✵✵

 

The darkness of Regulus’s hotel room was warm with James’s touch. James practically carried him, setting him down gently on the bed before going and flicking on the light. Regulus sat on the edge of the bed, kicking his feet like a little boy, smiling lovingly at James as he smiled at him.

 

James walked over and kneeled down next to the bed, kissing him for only a moment, really more of a brush of lips. Regulus could feel James’s breath on his face. Regulus wanted to kiss him again. To kiss him, and kiss him, and kiss him.

 

He didn’t, and James climbed up onto the bed next to him, murmuring, “Turn around, love.”

 

Regulus did, letting gentle fingers let his hair down, running fingers through the knots. Regulus closed his eyes and hummed sleepily. He smiled peacefully, humming absentmindedly as James brushed his fingers through his hair.

 

“What’re you humming,” James asked softly. Regulus looked at him, and he was smiling with more love than Regulus thought he had ever seen. He was beautiful. 

 

“I dunno,” Regulus mumbled back sleepily. “It reminds me of you.”

 

“That’s… That’s lovely, Reg,” James said, smiling so sweetly, kissing him on the forehead. “Is it… Is it a happy song?”

 

“Mhm,” Regulus hummed. “Kinda. It just reminds me of you.”

 

James smiled and huffed out a quiet laugh. “You’re amazing, you know that?” he asked, brushing a limp curl out of his face. Regulus tilted his head curiously, and James grinned. “I’m serious, love. You’re beautiful.” James leaned in and kissed his cheek. “You’re smart.” His other cheek. “Creative.” His forehead. “Honest.” His chin. “And I’m in love with you,” he said finally, pressing a light kiss to the tip of his nose.

 

Regulus stared at him with wide eyes, and pink-stained cheeks, and parted lips. He sighed out a breath as his face melted into a fond smile. Regulus could feel the warmth radiating off of James, the joyous glow of his smile and those soft brown eyes that seemed to soothe the dark, angry, shattered parts of Regulus’s heart.

 

Before Regulus could say anything, James kissed him once more and stood up. Regulus pouted at the loss of James’s warmth as he dug through Regulus’s suitcase. Eventually, he stood up, holding a red t-shirt and loose looking black shorts. 

 

“Is this mine?” James asked, holding up the large, soft looking red t-shirt with an arched eyebrow. Regulus shrugged.

 

James smiled. “You can keep it, love. As long as you want.”

 

Regulus grinned, feeling his cheeks flush heatedly. James walked over, dropped the clothing into his arms, and helped him up off the bed. 

 

“Go change, love,” James said with soft eyes. “Brush your teeth, and come out. We can turn off the lights and watch a movie.” Regulus nodded, slipping off into the bathroom.

 

When Regulus looked into the mirror, he saw how… messy he looked, with his mussed curls, and splotched pink cheeks, and smudged lip gloss. He chewed anxiously on his lip as he stared, wondering how James could love someone like him. Someone… broken. There were pieces of him that were missing, or just so shattered that he was sure that they couldn’t be put back together. Still, James made him feel whole. Like he could walk through the dark paths of Regulus’s past and pick up every little broken piece, holding them close to his heart. No one had ever done that before. People had tried. Evan tried. Barty tried. And they helped, they really did, but it had never really succeeded. Regulus isn’t sure why James was different, but he was. 

 

Regulus didn’t notice that he was crying until the tears rolled off his chin. He sniffled, wiping the tears off on his arm and he let out a stuttered breath. 

 

Regulus changed, leaning on the wall behind him. He took a deep breath before exiting the bathroom, flicking off the light as he went. James was sitting on the bed, clicking the remote at the television. His head snapped towards Regulus, a soft smile on his face. He patted the area on the bed next to him.

 

Regulus pulled himself up onto the bed and buried himself into James’s side, curling up and making himself small. He allowed himself a small breath, his eyes fluttering shut, a small smile crossing his face.

 

“What do you want to watch, love?” James asks, throwing an arm over his shoulder and holding him to his side.

 

Regulus just hums quietly, not responding. James smiles,and Regulus hears more clicks of the remote as he takes steady breaths. He hears heavy, dramatic music, bright and melodic. It’s enough to get Regulus to open his eyes, staring at the screen. The colors were vivid and lovely, beautiful and joyous. Something happy.

 

“The hills are alive with the sound of music

With songs, they have sung for a thousand years”

 

Regulus can’t help smiling softly. He hadn’t heard this song in quite a few years. He had seen this movie when he was just a kid, watching the film that Sirius brought to him, thinking that he would like it. He watched it every day after school for a month, until he knew every word to each song. His mother had heard him singing one day, and had gotten quite furious for reasons that Regulus never really understood. She had destroyed his DVD of the movie. Regulus had cried, and she had screamed, and Sirius had broken her favorite vase to get her to stop screaming. He had a brand new black eye when Regulus saw him next, and even then, he was comforting Regulus staying with him while Regulus cried himself to sleep.

 

It wasn’t a happy memory. Regulus didn’t have a ton of happy memories from his childhood in the first place. Something about the song is still soothing though. It reminded him of Sirius, grinning as he watched the movie with him for the first time. It reminded him of the comfort of his brother holding him tight as he cried, his hands shaking as he did. The only love he ever felt in that cold, desolate house.

 

Regulus was singing along quietly before he realized it.

 

“I know I will hear what I've heard before

My heart will be blessed with the sound of music

And I'll sing once more”

 

James was watching him more than the movie, listening attentively as he sang. And sang. And sang. He felt light, anchored in James’s warmth. His mind was quiet. He could breathe easier than he had been able to in so long.

 

Regulus only went quiet when he started drifting off into sleep, James running fingers through his hair. He tried to stay up, to stay awake for the whole movie, but eventually, curling up comfortably into James’s side, Regulus fell asleep.

Notes:

(Song: Sound of Music from the Sound of Music because if Regulus doesn't like musicals then I'm straight. I'm not straight.)

Hope you enjoyed xoxo

Please leave comments I love them SO much

Chapter 30: A Song For You

Notes:

Hi guys!! It's been a bit but I'm here :) Have fun

When Regulus woke up, with a pounding ache in his head, he could still feel the warmth that James left behind, but not James himself, laying next to him. Regulus rolled over into the crevice that James had left, warm and smelling like cinnamon. Like James. 

 

It was still dark outside the curtains, and it was quiet except for the rush of the shower coming from the bathroom. Golden light peeked out from beneath the door, and Regulus could hear quiet singing. He smiled at that. 

 

“-contribute to the chaos

I don't wanna watch and then complain

'Cause I am through finding blame

That is the decision that I have made”

 

Then there was humming for a bit, and the sound of the shower clicking off as the water dulled. Regulus found that the words stuck in his mind. He hadn’t heard the song before, and as far as he knew, it wasn’t a song that the Marauders had released. Still, it was lovely. Regulus liked it.

 

The bathroom door creaked open, and James emerged in nothing but the towel around his waist. Regulus stared unabashedly, taking in miles of golden skin.

 

“Good morning,” Regulus said appreciatively. James turned to him, grinning.

 

“Good morning, love,” James said cheerfully. “Like what you see?” He wiggled his eyebrows, causing Regulus to laugh.

 

“Very much so,” Regulus replied, pulling himself out of bed and dragging himself to James. He threw his arms around James’s neck and kissed him. “You’re gorgeous.”

 

James raised an eyebrow. “I’m naked.”

 

Regulus leaned against his chest. “Still gorgeous.”

 

James chuckled and kissed the top of his head. “Sounds like you were right.”

 

Regulus furrowed his brow. “About?”

 

“Do you not remember?” Regulus shook his head. “Last night… you got really drunk, and you said that you wanted me to… touch you.”

 

“Touch me?” Regulus asked, raising an eyebrow. He could feel his cheeks flush, no doubt spattering red over his face. “I- yeah. God, fuck me.”

 

James opened his mouth to speak, raising his eyebrows, a delighted expression on his face, but Regulus cut him off with a glare and a “Don’t.”

 

Regulus sighed, taking a seat on the edge of the bed and crossing his legs. “Jamie… I’m figuring something out right now. I thought I was asexual for a very long time. And then I met you and- look, I’ve been reading up on asexuality, and I might’ve found… something, but I’m not sure yet.” Regulus glanced up. “I’ll let you know when I figure it out.”

 

“Baby…” James said, wrapping his arms around him. “Thank you for telling me, love. I love you so much,”

 

Regulus buried his face in James’s chest.

 

I love you too.

 

✵✵✵✧✧✧✵✵✵

 

One long ass drive with an egregious amount of singing later, and they were in New York. James stared out the window, looking awestruck at the skyscrapers. Regulus didn’t understand the allure, but he was happy to see James happy. 

 

The hotel room was nice. Nothing special. James made it special. Well, they weren’t alone there, but it was nice to at least share a glance every once in a while in between screaming at Sirius to shut up and be patient as Regulus unpacked his suitcase, setting out the outfit he would wear for that night’s concert. Dorcas was coming by to pick it up while Regulus went out to dinner with his brother’s friends.

 

It was a touch awkward having Sirius reach out more. Hell, it was a bit awkward talking to Sirius in general. It’s rather hard to say ‘hello, how have the past seven years of your life since you abandoned me been’ as Regulus quickly found out. It didn’t help that Sirius seemed rather insistent on not talking to his brother outside of a group setting. Always with Remus, who, while lovely, seemed to be a bit of a distraction to Sirius, eyeing the tall man with the softest, sappiest eyes Regulus had ever seen. Regulus wondered if that was how he looked at James, who also continued to join them, though he talked to Regulus quite a bit less when Sirius was around, fawning over Regulus like he was still a child to protect.

 

They had settled on pizza for dinner. When they had settled on pizza, Regulus had no idea, despite having been in the room with them the entire time and never once hearing the word pizza exit their mouths. Still, Sirius and James seemed intent on eating the best slice of pizza in New York City and dragging Regulus along with them.

 

They strolled through the city, eating their slices of pizza. Regulus had gotten a slice of white pizza, while his brother had gotten a slice of pepperoni.Remus and James had both opted for a slice of plain cheese.

 

“Barty said that you’re a big fan of musicals,” Sirius grinned. “Can’t believe my prissy little brother is a theatre kid!”

 

“Shut up,” Regulus grumbled, brushing against James’s arm, savoring the brief moments of inconspicuous touch.

 

“What’s your favorite show?” Remus asked softly, always so much more gentle than his bright, boisterous brother. How they were so close was beyond Regulus.

 

“... Sweeney Todd.”

 

Remus grinned, his eyes lighting up, honey gold. “Yeah. You seem like you’d be a fan of the classics. Have you seen Fiddler?”

 

Regulus gasped slightly. He very rarely found places to indulge in his love of musical theatre, and finding that in Remus, someone he never would’ve considered talking to before… Well, this was exciting. “I’ve seen the movie, but I’ve never seen a live production. I have seen a production of Matilda though.”

 

“I love Matilda! Lovely show, isn’t it?”

 

“Mhm. The production I saw was lovely. Great choreography.”

 

“Of course! Rarely ever lacking, is it?”

 

“Very true. Say, what’s your favorite?”

 

“Ride the Cyclone. Have you heard of it?”

 

“Obviously!”

 

“Oi, Reg, stop stealing my-” Sirius stopped, his mouth agape. He swallowed. “..My Remus.”

 

Regulus raised an eyebrow. “Your Remus?”

 

“Shut up, you little prick.”

 

“How rude. Mother would’ve washed your mouth out for that.”

 

“Well Walburga can kiss my-”

 

“Since neither of you seem to have noticed, we’re here,” Remus said dryly, his lips quirking upwards. James let out a loud laugh.

 

Sirius pouted. “I don’t wanna leave Reggie though.” He jumped on Regulus, throwing his arms around his neck. Regulus shoved him off.

 

“Piss off, Sirius. And don’t call me Reggie. Besides, we split up every time. I’ll… see you after the show?”

 

Sirius was still pouting but he nodded with a dramatic sigh. “Fine, fine… but you have to go to breakfast with me tomorrow. Deal?”

 

“Another friendship brunch?”

 

Sirius shook his head. “Just us.”

 

Regulus bit back a smile. “Sure, Sirius. Just us.”

 

Sirius grinned. “Love you, Reggie.” He wrapped his arms around Regulus, holding him tightly.

 

“Yeah, yeah,” Regulus said, rolling his eyes, but he smiled. His brother pat him on the back before entering the building, followed by Remus who lent Regulus a friendly smile. James lingered behind.

 

“Having fun, Reg?” he asked, pushing his glasses up his nose, smiling beautifully.

 

Regulus nodded, smiling softly. “I missed you.”

 

“I’ve been right here the whole time.”

 

“I know,” Regulus replied, brushing his thumb over James’s cheek. “I still missed you.”

 

James leaned in and kissed him softly, his hands gently carding through Regulus’s hair. “I love you, Reg.”

 

Regulus beamed, his cheeks flushed. “Have fun performing. I’ll be watching you.”

 

“I know, love. See you on the stage.”

 

✵✵✵✧✧✧✵✵✵

 

“Good evening New York!” Regulus shouted as he strolled confidently out onto the stage. He was met with cheers from the crowd as his band took their places, and Regulus grabbed the microphone off the stand.

 

“Mama's got a new man

And daddy's got a new mansion to keep

He never really calls back

'Cause he's got too many finances to reap”

 

The lighting turned green as Regulus moved elegantly across the stage. His posture was perfect, just off from how his mother had taught him to move, confident, commanding. He had taken it and turned it into almost a dance, a performance, legs crossing in front of each other as he sang.

 

“Money, money, ain't it funny, honey

When you get what you need

Baby, life is a breeze

Money, money, give me money, money

'Til I'm bloody, bloody”

 

He tilted his head up, eyes closed as he sang, back in the center of the stage before slamming his head back down to stare out into the audience as the lighting turned a beautiful red shade.

 

“All these kids have got affluenza

Goin' wreckin' their daddy's Benz, ah

Crystal liquor cups and designer drugs, oh, oh

They say, "Money can't buy you no love"

But a diamond cheers you right up

Give me none of your affluence, oh

Affluenza, affluenza”

 

He made eye contact with Sirius who was watching him with a proud grin from the wings. He knew Sirius would like this song. Regulus flipped his hair out of his face as he stared back out at the crowds below him.

 

“Every day's your birthday

You threw a party, but you kinda hate all your friends

So you're crying in the driveway

Killin' time, gettin' high, can't wait 'til it ends”

 

Regulus still remembered Sirius’s fourteenth birthday. Regulus and Sirius had only just started growing distant and Regulus still clung to the idea of having his brother, his best friend, just as he always had. Sirius had fled his party and Regulus had followed. He had found Sirius in the garden, smoking with boys that he now knew were Remus and James while a smaller, rounder boy, Peter was his name, sat in the corner timidly. Regulus had felt anger, no, jealousy , bubble up inside of him at the sight. All he had wanted was his brother, and yet his brother had already replaced him. But nobody could replace Sirius.

 

Regulus had written this song years later, but he still remembered, burnt into his head how… unsatisfied Sirius was with the lavish lifestyle provided to them. But was anyone satisfied with it? Was Regulus? The memory had prompted him to write the song for his brother, even when he hated him more than anyone else in the world.

 

“Money, money, ain't it funny, honey

When you get what you need

Baby, life is a breeze

Money, money, give me money, money

'Til I'm bloody, bloody”

 

“All these kids have got affluenza

Goin' wreckin' their daddy's Benz, ah

Crystal liquor cups and designer drugs, oh, oh

They say, "Money can't buy you no love"

But a diamond cheers you right up

Give me none of affluence, oh

Affluenza, affluenza”

 

Evan slammed down on his drums, booming through the concert hall as Regulus sang, his words accented by the violent noise.

 

“Fat stacks, cold cash

You've always had it real lavish, first-class

Trust fund, gold tongue

80 grand in both your hands, but no love”

 

The final round of the chorus was almost whispered, so soft, almost mournful.

 

“All these kids have got affluenza

Goin' wreckin' their daddy's Benz, ah

Crystal liquor cups and designer drugs, oh, oh

They say, "Money can't buy you no love" (can't buy you no love)

But a diamond cheers you right up

Give me none of your affluence, oh

Affluenza, affluenza”

 

The song ended with Regulus humming softly before the house went silent, and then there was applause, booming, cheering. Regulus grinned as he bowed elegantly.

 

“Thank you!” Regulus shouted, laughter tainting his voice. “This is going to be a great night!”

 

Barty strummed a chord on his guitar and the show went on.

 

✵✵✵✧✧✧✵✵✵

 

“Was that song for Sirius?” James asked, sitting atop Regulus’s blankets in the hotel room.

 

“However did you guess?” Regulus asked dryly, climbing onto the bed. “Scoot over.” He nudged at James’s shoulder. James moved over a little bit, allowing Regulus to climb up, close enough for James to wrap his arms around him, holding him close.

 

“Sirius’s fourteenth birthday? When you saw us smoking in the garden?” James said, nuzzling into Regulus’s neck.

 

“You saw me?”

 

”Of course I did,” James said softly. “Even then, you shone so bright. Couldn’t ignore you if I wanted to. Of course, I didn’t know you’d grow up to be absolutely gorgeous.” Regulus huffed and rolled his eyes. “I thought you were just some kid who got lost. Didn’t even remember Sirius had a little brother.”

 

Regulus frowned and James ran his thumb over his forehead, smoothing out the creases. “Don’t look like that, Reg. He was.. He was going through a hard time. I’m sure he loved you.”

 

“I know,” Regulus replied softly. “Can we go to sleep?”

 

“Of course, love,” James said, reaching over to turn off the bedside lamp. “Goodnight.”

 

“Goodnight, James.”

 

✵✵✵✧✧✧✵✵✵

 

Regulus awoke to his phone buzzing with messages from Cerci, links to articles headlined with… a picture of him and James, at a bar, kissing lovingly. 

 

Suddenly there was a pounding at the door.

 

“JAMES, GET THE FUCK OUT!” Sirius’s voice rang through the door.

 

Shit.

Notes:

(Song: Affluenza by Conan Gray)

Hope you enjoyed xoxo

Please leave comments, they make my day <33

Chapter 31: Selfish

Notes:

Welcome to the most painful chapter of this fic, brought to you by: a friend of mine literally begging me

CW:
Physical assault, blood
If that makes you uncomfortable, skip to the second ✵✵✵✧✧✧✵✵✵
I'll fill you in in the end notes if you skip

James heard Sirius shouting through the door, except he didn’t , not really. It was like standing underwater, the noise washing in and out, hollow and echoed and unreal. Regulus was there next to him, but he was just as frozen. James wasn’t afraid, no. He felt nothing.

 

“Fucking fine, James,” Sirius shouted. “Meet me at the studio. One hour. One hour, or I swear to fucking-”

 

There was muffled arguing through the door, someone telling Sirius to be quieter, to go away. He could almost hear Sirius grinding his teeth before stomping away.

 

“You- you don’t have to go, James,” Regulus said, his voice shaky. He was clearly a bit shaken by the shouting, by the rage. James shook his head. 

 

“I do,” he said softly. He gave Regulus a gentle kiss on the head. “I love you, Reg. I’ll be back soon. 

 

✵✵✵✧✧✧✵✵✵

 

Sirius was waiting in the studio when James arrived. His legs were crossed from where he sat on the small stage platform as he glared, and well, James was scared. He had seen Sirius rampage, screaming, throwing, breaking things, but he had never, never , seen Sirius look at anyone like that, his rage contained and cold, like the freezing sensation of a burn.

 

“You fucking disgust me,” Sirius started, his voice quiet. James stared down at the floor, biting his tongue. He understood why Sirius was angry. He deserved to be a little bit angry.

 

“I know,” he murmured.

 

“My brother, James?” Sirius seethed, his hair a tangled wreck, like he had pulled his fingers through the knots one too many times. “My brother ?” After I just got him back ?”

 

“Before, actually,” James said quietly. Sirius just laughed coldly, throwing his hands up in the air.

 

“Oh, forgive me ,” Sirius exclaimed. “Because it’s so much better that my best friend was dating my baby brother behind my fucking back !”

 

“Sirius-”

 

“ Don’t ,” Sirius replied, glaring daggers, slicing deep into James skin. His gaze seemed to prick into him, every second less comfortable than the last. “You do not have the right to talk now. You didn’t want to talk to me enough to tell me you were fucking my little brother, you don’t get to talk now.” James’s mouth snapped closed.

 

“We’ve been friends for what, twelve years? I thought you told me fucking everything . And I thought it was supposed to be okay when I couldn’t,” Sirius said, raking his nails against his scalp. “God, why couldn’t you just date someone like Lily, someone nice, someone who’s not my fucking brother .”

 

James could’ve said something. He wanted to say something. He wanted to say that he didn’t love Lily. He loved Regulus. He loved him so much, and he was worth it. James felt a heavy weight build on his chest, burning into him. He bit his tongue. He wasn’t going to yell at Sirius, he couldn’t yell at Sirius, but god he wanted to.

 

“You were supposed to be the one fucking person who I could trust,” Sirius said loudly, practically yelling. His voice sounded broken, on the verge of tears. James couldn’t find it in himself to feel bad. “The one person who would never fucking betray me. You were the one who saved me. You were supposed to be the one to stay by my side. You were never, fucking never, supposed to be the one to fucking go out with my brother behind my back.”

 

“Bullshit,” James muttered coldly. Sirius’s eyes snapped to him furiously.

 

“Are you fucking kidding, James?” Sirius asked. “You went behind my back. You continued behind my back after I finally reconciled with him. You hid shit from me, about my baby fucking brother !”

 

Sirius’s shouts echoed in James’s head, grating at his patience, pulling it tight, tight, tight until it snapped .

 

“ I hid shit from you ?” James asked finally, his face lifting into a furious, sadistic grin. He was fucking furious , looking at Sirius, glaring and burning inside. “Oh, that’s fucking rich , Sirius.”

 

“What?” Sirius’s glare fell into confusion for a mere moment. James wanted to stop. He didn’t want to stop. James scoffed, clenching his fists.

 

“You're so upset that I’m dating your brother, who is a grown fucking man by the way, when you never even told me, your supposed ‘best friend’, that you had a brother in the fucking first place!” James seethed, his nails digging deep into his palms. He watched something small break in Sirius’s eyes. Good .

 

“I… I told you I had a brother,” Sirius said ever so quietly, still glaring daggers in James’s direction, but not at James. At the floor, unable to look at him properly.

 

“But never a name,” James said. “Never a name, never a mention of how he was still stuck , trapped in that house that you would’ve died to escape.” James was aware that this was cruel, aware that it was going to hurt Sirius. A dark, hidden part of him wanted it to. He hated to hurt him, he did, but just once, just once , he deserved to be selfish, cruel. If Sirius got to have rage, so did he.

 

“He never would’ve left!” Sirius shouted, his voice broken, shattering with the volume. He was standing now, stepping close to James. 

 

“But he did, Sirius,” James said coldly. “After you left him.” He was a little frightened that he could sound like this. He didn’t want to sound like this, especially not directed at Sirius. But there was something so liberating, so freeing about it. It was a little bit nauseating. “I genuinely can’t understand how the fuck you can call him your ‘little brother’ when you were never a brother for him. You abandoned him. You hurt him. You let him get hurt. You were worse than just a ‘bad brother’. You were never a brother at all-”

 

James heard the crack before he felt it.

 

And then he did.

 

The pain in his nose was burning, aching, and then he felt the warm, sticky sensation of blood dripping slowly down his face. James lifted the back of his hand to his nose. It came back crimson. Sirius stared, wide-eyed and teary. He was shaking, trembling. James glanced down to his best friend’s fist, seeing pale fists bruised and painted with blood. His blood, James realized. Sirius breathed heavily, his exhales stuttering. James made eye contact with him and grinned coldly. He wondered if it hurt Sirius to hurt him. He wondered if his smile unnerved him. He wondered if he could even bother to care.

 

“Look at that,” James said coldly. “Hurting the people you’re supposed to care about. Again. I suppose the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.”

 

James could hear Sirius sob as he turned and walked away, screaming as he cried. It was meant to hurt him. He intended to hurt Sirius, his best friend. He had never done that before, never wanted to. He felt disgusting, the guilt hitting him suddenly, hurting more than the stinging in his nose.

 

✵✵✵✧✧✧✵✵✵

 

Regulus heard a gentle knock coming from his door. He opened it to see James, blood staining his skin. His eyes widened in shock as he instinctively reached up to cup his boyfriend’s cheek, smearing blood across his skin.

 

“James,” Regulus said cautiously, quietly. “What happened?”

 

James chuckled, attempting to wipe blood off on his sleeve. “Your brother is an asshole sometimes.”

 

Regulus’s gaze turned cold. “He punched you?”

 

James pressed a hand to Regulus’s, keeping his hand to James’s face. “It’s fine. I was… I said some bullshit. He was fully in the right. It’s just- he was talking about you, and how I went behind his back dating you, and-”

 

“It’s my fault.”

 

“-I got pissed off, and- what?” James said as Regulus backed away, trembling.

 

“This is all my fault,” Regulus said, choked. “I just- I knew I would hurt you when we started dating. I knew I would make your life worse, but I was selfish, and I wanted you, and- I told you that I wouldn’t get between you two. I told you that I wouldn’t ruin your friendship, even when I wanted nothing to do with him.”

 

“What- Reg, it’s not your fault,” James said, reaching out a hand to him. Regulus stepped away, avoiding James’s touch. He couldn’t hurt James again. He just couldn’t.

 

“It is,” Regulus said, his hands running, panicked and shaking, through his hair. “It is, and I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry. I… I ruin everything I touch. I knew I would ruin you, and I still reached out, and I still fell in love with you.”

 

Regulus watched James’s eyes widen. Regulus shook his head, panicking, panicking, panicking. “Love- Reg, you- you’ve never said you love me before. Baby, just- please calm down, please just talk to me-”

 

“I ruin everything, and I’m ruining you. I don’t want to- I can’t watch you rot. I- I have to go. Please just- just leave, James. Please, for your own good.”

 

“No,” James said, determination in his voice. Regulus couldn’t watch him hurt. He couldn’t stand the pain in his eyes, couldn’t stand the way that James shook, like he would fall apart. He’d never looked like that before. But he knew he wouldn’t be able to handle the grief James would feel if he stayed. James was good. James was bright. James deserved to be happy. Who was Regulus to snuff out his light, and he knew he would. He had already started, his rot seeping in and killing him. He couldn’t help it. He was naturally destructive, always going to break him. Sirius was James’s world, always had been. Regulus couldn’t be the one to take that away. He couldn’t stand to be the reason it crumbled to ash. He couldn’t ruin him.

 

“Reg, please,” James said, reaching out, pleading. Regulus would give anything to give in to him, to lean into him, let him wrap his arms around him, let himself be selfish . To gently wipe the blood from his face and tell him everything was going to be okay. But that wasn’t his role to play. It wasn’t his paradise to destroy. “We can fix this together.” James was always such an optimist. He wouldn’t stay that way if he was with Regulus. “Just… I don’t want to leave you, Regulus. I love you.”

 

“You won’t have to,” Regulus whispered, tears welling up in his eyes. “Let me make this easy for you, James Potter. I will never love you. I will never be what you want me to be, and I never was going to be.” Regulus forced his expression neutral, staring James straight in the eyes. “We’re not done. We are nothing . We were always nothing. Whatever you thought we were, it was a stupid empty dream, Potter.”

 

Regulus could see the moment that James broke. He would heal, eventually, Regulus knew it. But if he stayed… Regulus would destroy him, leave him beyond repair. He couldn’t do that, couldn’t let him stay. Still, he wanted nothing more than to kiss him and apologize, to let them be okay. To say that they could get through this together. But they couldn’t. Regulus was only holding him back.

 

“Reg… You- You don’t mean that…” James said, clinging on to his hopes. James knew him so well, knew that Regulus could never not love him, but Regulus… he had to make James hate him. He’d rather James hated him than have him stay. Regulus faked a mocking, condescending smile. I’m sorry .

 

“But I do, Jamie . Take a fucking hint,” Regulus spat the words out. They tasted toxic on his tongue. 

 

“Regulus, we can talk to Sirius. We can make this work!”

 

Regulus rolled his eyes, keeping the tears from welling up. “You need to learn to let go of people who don’t want you. You can’t take every fucking pity case and make them love you. You think you can fucking fix them. Well maybe that’s not how life works. Maybe we don’t want your pity. Maybe, just maybe, you’re not as fucking perfect as you think.” Some people you’ll never be able to fix.

 

“Baby…”

 

“ Don’t call me that,” Regulus said coldly. “How fucking dense are you? Let me make this so ridiculously clear that even an exhausting, brainless waste of space like you can understand. I. Don’t. Love you. I never have, I never will.”

 

“Regulus, I won’t- I can’t give up on you. On us,” James said, almost pleading. Regulus so desperately wanted to break for him. He could almost see the poison in his words sinking into James’s skin. He never wanted this to happen. But it needed to.

 

“Potter,” Regulus said coldly, sounding annoyed, meeting James’ eyes. “There is no ‘us’ to give up on. There never was. I was just bored and in need of a rush. Now, I’m bored again, because you were an irritant. An annoyance who thought it had the right to meddle in my life. A self-centered, arrogant, idiotic lump of a man.” A beautiful, caring, brave, loving man . “And pretending to care about you is only entertaining for so long.”

 

Regulus’s voice was quieter at the end, and followed by devastating silence. Regulus silently pleaded that James would still protest, would still want to stay. He knew that if James did, he would stay, would apologize, and cry, and kiss their worries away. But James stayed silent.

 

“Fine,” James said quietly, sounding devastated. Tears dripped down his cheeks. Regulus wanted to kiss them away. “I’m sorry for wasting your time.”

 

As James turned and walked away, Regulus wanted nothing more than for him to turn around. But he couldn’t say that. He couldn’t doom James to being ruined by him. Without him, James could heal, could fix things with Sirius. Then he would be okay.

 

Regulus wanted to call out to him, to ask him to stay. Instead, he said this: “Go talk to my brother. He’s surely missing you, heaven knows why. You can bother someone who actually wants you for once in your life.”

 

James didn’t respond, the door slamming shut behind him. The tears welled up in Regulus’s eyes and he sobbed, and he screamed, and he broke. Worst of all, he remembered. Every moment James made him smile, every time James calmed him down after a nightmare, every moment James was considerate enough to order him food, they flashed through his mind now that it was too late, and he had sent James away. 

 

But it was okay.

 

It had to be okay.

 

Because James would be okay.

 

And Regulus? Regulus didn’t need to be okay. 

 

Because James would keep on shining.

 

And Regulus would live hidden away from the sun.

 

It was what he deserved.

Notes:

(SPOILER: Sirius and James got in an argument over Regulus. James compared Sirius to his mother, and Sirius punched him in the face)

Hey, so.... I'm sorry for this nightmare

Hope you enjoyed?? xoxo

Please leave comments I love them so much (especially a certain wonderful human being who begged me to post this)

Chapter 32: Hurting

Notes:

I was gonna post yesterday but my bestie deserved better than more angst (it's gonna be here for a bit) (It's better than last chapter, everything's... fine)

Regulus’s notifications were turned off, and Barty was furious . Because first off, what the fuck? How the fuck did Rita Skeeter, and of course it was Rita Skeeter, obtain a picture of James and Regulus?

 

Regulus wasn’t responding to his texts, which clearly meant he had done something fucking stupid , and as much as Barty was no stranger to idiotic choices, Regulus wasn’t normally one to make rash decisions. And suddenly Barty was walking, and then sprinting, and he was outside Regulus’s door, banging roughly.

 

“Reg, open the fucking door!”

 

And he did, the door creaking open and Barty’s eyes widened, and then fell dark. Regulus’s hair was a wreck, tangled about his head, and his eyes were red and puffy from crying. He was shaking in a way that Barty hadn’t seen since before Regulus left his parents. His eyes were trained on the ground as he chewed on his lip uncomfortably. There were blood stains on his hands.

 

“What happened?” Barty’s voice was low, furious, because there was no way in hell that anyone would hurt his best friend and live to tell the tale. Regulus shook his head.

 

“Go away, Barty.” His voice sounded hoarse.

 

“No- absolutely the fuck not,” Barty said, furiously. “Did James do this? Because I swear to god, I will slit his fucking-”

 

“ Barty! ” Regulus shouted, and there were tears dripping onto the tiled hallway floor. “I- It wasn’t his fault. It was mine.”

 

Barty stopped short. Oh . He understood now. He wrapped his arms around Regulus. Regulus hesitantly hugged him back, gripping the back of his shirt tightly. He was trembling, warm tears staining his shirt.

 

“Come on, Reg,” he said softly. “Let’s go inside, clean your face.”

 

“I love him,” Regulus whispered sadly.

 

“I know,” Barty whispered in return.

 

✵✵✵✧✧✧✵✵✵

 

Sirius was used to guilt. His childhood was drenched in it, the deep, crushing feeling staining every memory. The guilt when he did something bad, provoking his parents’ anger, the guilt when Regulus acted up, following in his footsteps, and the guilt when he left, not even sparing his brother, his reason for staying up until that point, a goodbye.

 

This was the worst guilt he had ever felt.

 

The rage had hit first, burning up inside him until he felt like he’d explode. There had been fire in his fists, in his eyes, in his voice, and he had let it burn until it spread to James… Oh James. James, his best friend, his oasis. He had hurt James. He had infected James with his rage, with the burning. James had yelled at him, had sneered, had been so cruel, and Sirius deserved it. He knew, and he was disgusted, because he deserved it. He had shouted, had scolded, and for what? For love?

 

For love… What did Sirius know about love? Every time he loved someone, he hurt them. James, his savior. Regulus, his brother. Even Remus, his moonbeam, who, when Sirius had told him what he had done, was too disgusted to even look at him. Sirius couldn’t blame him. He was disgusted with himself.

 

Sirius had been crying ever since Remus had stormed out, grabbing his suitcase and sneaking off to the room he was supposed to be sleeping in. Remus… Remus couldn’t handle violence. He was rough, scratched up and calloused on the outside, but soft and sweet, melted marshmallow inside, golden eyes having seen too much violence already. Sirius was supposed to be his safe haven, had taken on that role the minute he met him, the shy, pretty boy with long sleeves in the summer and a barely concealer-covered black eye.

 

Sirius’s mind wandered and he wondered what he would’ve done in James’s or even Reg’s situation. After all, Remus, his beloved Remus, was still just a secret, something warm that he held onto at night, when no one could see. He hadn’t even told James… Oh god, he hadn’t told James . His best friend, the sunshine, his savior. His brother when he didn’t have one, and his lifeline when he did. And he didn’t know about the love of Sirius’s life. He didn’t know. 

 

Sirius wiped his tears on the back of his sleeve. He didn’t deserve to cry. He needed to apologize, needed to scream his repentance. He pulled himself up off the floor, not even bothering to slip on his shoes before he was running out the door. 

 

✵✵✵✧✧✧✵✵✵

 

Regulus’s door slipped open and the first thing that Sirius heard was Crouch’s voice blaring loudly through, rage in his voice.

 

“Is that fucking Sirius? I will fucking-”

 

“Enough, Barty,” Regulus huffed out, exasperated. Regulus rubbed at his red-rimmed eyes before looking up at Sirius, his eyes cold and his face expressionless. “What do you want, Sirius?”

 

His voice was cold, a frigid rage lingering under the sound. It sent shivers down Sirius’s spine, causing him to flinch. “I- Is James here?”

 

Regulus scowled. “No.” They stood there in silence for a moment before Regulus spoke again. “If that’s all, then fuck off.”

 

He moved to slam the door but Sirius stopped him. “Wait-”

 

“I said fuck off, Sirius.”

 

“I just-”

 

“You just what , Sirius?” Regulus asked snidely. “Want to hurt him again? Want to hurt me? Remind him how he shouldn’t have dared to lay a finger on your itty bitty baby brother? ”

 

Regulus snorted. “News flash, Sirius. I am not a child, and my love life is none of your fucking business. It never was and it never fucking will be.”

 

The way Regulus glared at him, fiery rage in his eyes, made Sirius’s blood freeze in his veins. This? This nightmare? This was not the little brother that Sirius idealized, loved if only for the memory of caring for someone. It was pure rage, Black family madness spilling past his lips, past his eyes, echoing in Sirius’s core with exploding fire. It was the type that scared Sirius, not because of the words he said, but because it meant that Sirius had failed, that Regulus was just like their mother. Worse, it made Sirius fear that he was just the same.

 

“I loved him, Sirius. I fucking loved him,” Regulus’s voice broke, and he shook violently, his hands clenched at his side. Rage bubbled past his lips, frothy and feral and so intensely human that it hurt Sirius to watch. He wanted to reach out and hold his brother, make everything better, and he tried to, lifting a hand to pull him in but Regulus smacked him away. “I loved him and he’s gone , just because you couldn’t keep your fucking mouth shut.”

 

And that was when Regulus pushed him, shoving him violently across the hall. Sirius stumbled backwards into the wall and Regulus gave a cold, cruel, snarling smile.

 

“Did you know that he’s the reason I started talking to you again? You know that he cared about our relationship more than fucking anyone else? Especially me.” Regulus’s smile dropped. “Without him, we have no relationship. You’re not my fucking brother, Sirius. But maybe, just maybe you can still be his best friend.”

 

Regulus turned, but before he shut the door, he peered back coldly over his shoulder.

 

“And Sirius? Do not ever lay a fucking hand on my boyfriend again.”

 

The door slammed shut and Sirius was left painfully alone.

 

✵✵✵✧✧✧✵✵✵

 

Remus was, and it was a bit embarrassing for him to admit it, uncomfortable with the idea of violence. Well, only when it was by hand. The idea of someone striking another with their palm made him squirm in his seat. He didn’t often talk about it, of course, but it still made him flinch.

 

When Remus first met Sirius, he was thirteen. Remus wasn’t a good kid. He got in fights at his old school. He had just gotten out of the psych ward for the second time. He was never enough.

 

His mother was a kindergarten teacher. She was the kindest person that Remus ever met. She fell ill and died when Remus was seven. After that, he was left with his father, a doctor, a man who didn’t want him. Maybe it was because Remus was weak, sickly, or because he wasn’t good at sports, or maybe because Remus had his mother’s golden eyes. He wasn’t good at much, but he was clever, smart. He never picked a fight but he learned quickly how to finish them.

 

He passed from school to school, none of them too keen on a boy with scar covered arms and a seemingly constant black eye. It’s easy to feel unwanted when everyone treats you like you are, and Remus realized that quickly. His dad didn’t want him, his peers didn’t want him, his teachers didn’t want him, and Remus, perhaps more than anyone else in his life, didn’t want himself.

 

Hogwarts was a last ditch effort from Remus’s father. A private school with more… specialized academic programs. Remus went for their correctional academics program, and was, unexpectedly, placed in their advanced program. Sirius was the first person he met there, his hair shorter then, but his grin the same.

 

Sirius saw Remus get in his first fight at Hogwarts, bruised knuckles and bloody nose. Sirius stopped that fight too, a quick taunt and his opponent’s attention was drawn. Sirius didn’t even need to use violence, he ended the fight with pretty words alone.

 

That was the first time that Remus thought that Sirius was beautiful.

 

He swore that he would never see Sirius corrupted by violence, bruises and blood on his knuckles, just like Remus’s was, still were in the back of mind where he had to do a double take each time he glanced down at his hands.

 

Sirius was his safety. Sirius was his respite from the violence, a breath of fresh air, a candle in the dark.

 

Sirius had stood in front of him with bloodstains on his knuckles and tears running shakily down his cheeks.

 

“Moo-ny…” he had whispered, his voice trembling. Remus was angry first, raging to know who had hurt his best friend, his love. But there wasn’t even a mark on Sirius’s body. Just rose petal knuckles.

 

And Sirius babbled on and on, James, Regulus, secrets, punch, blood, blood, blood . And Remus was crying, his breathing quick and faltering. And Sirius was hugging him, smearing blood on his clothing. And Remus was pushing him away, disgusted at him. 

 

“Don’t touch me” he had said and he had never seen Sirius look so sad.

 

At the moment, he couldn’t bring himself to care.

 

And now James was sitting on the floor in Remus’s hotel room, lamenting about a relationship ending and Remus didn’t even know that James was in a relationship, but honestly, Remus didn’t particularly care. He wasn’t really listening, too busy thinking about Sirius, and blood, and everything he could’ve done differently.  Sure, neither of them had said that the relationship was over, but they certainly weren’t happily in love after… that.

 

There’s a knock at the door, and then Sirius shakily walked in, his eyes locked on the floor. He looks up to see James, Remus sitting above him, and his eyes widen tearily.

 

“James…?” he asks like he’s not entirely sure that James is really there, in the same room as him once again. And then James is standing, and Sirius flinches as James embraces him tightly. Sirius shakes as he grips James back.

 

“I’m sorry,” James murmurs sadly.

 

“ You’re sorry?” Sirius laughs tearily. “I fucking punched you! God, I’m so sorry, James. I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t have-”

 

“We were shit to each other,” James cut him off. “Both of us. And we are never doing that again.”

 

“Abso- lutely not!” Sirius agrees, laughing, and there are tears streaming down his face. “I love you, Prongs.”

 

“Love you too, Padfoot,” James mumbles. 

 

More mumbled apologies, each of them insisting they fucked up worse, as Remus watched, a small smile creeping up his face. He was Sirius’s heart, he knew that, but James was his lungs, the air that Sirius breathed, and he could see the life in his eyes each time that James talked to him. He liked seeing Sirius shine at his brightest, with the people he loved. 

 

Sirius pulled away from James, walking confidently up to Remus and pressing an insistent kiss against his lips.

 

“I’m sorry, Moony,” Sirius murmured against his lips. “I love you.”

 

Remus cupped his cheeks and held him close as James gasped amusedly. 

 

Okay, Remus thought.

 

This will be okay.

 

Notes:

Hope you enjoyed xoxo

Please leave comments I love them they bring me joy

Chapter 33: Mistake

Notes:

Hihi I lwk went on a break from writing for a bit but I'm back now, I'm writing a bunch and I will hopefully be posting more often again so yippee!!!!!

 

SIRIUS BLACK, LEAD SINGER OF POPULAR BAND, ‘THE MARAUDERS’ REVEALS RELATIONSHIP WITH DRUMMER REMUS LUPIN

 

“What the fuck?” Regulus exclaimed, slamming his fist down against the mattress. Because no, absolutely the fuck not, Sirius can’t do this. Can’t ruin the one relationship where Regulus had ever felt truly loved and then go and parade his around, allowed to feel love, allowed to simply exist, when that right had been violently stripped from Regulus.

 

Regulus finally remembered why he hated his brother. He was a selfish, inconsiderate man. Awful and uncaring, quick to abandon Regulus the moment he was no longer convenient. Seven years older and still the same.

 

Except Regulus loved his brother. And he knew that his brother loved him, deep inside where the truths of the universe lived in his mind. People live, people die, and Sirius loved his brother.

 

And that’s what hurt the most. Sirius probably thought this was the best thing he could do for Regulus. Or maybe he was being selfish, and ignorant, and not realizing that his actions hurt Regulus. Either way, it hurt. It hurt more than Regulus could explain. 

 

It didn’t make it better that Regulus was lonely. Waking up cold and alone in the morning, clinging to the place where James should be, but isn’t, and never will be again. He still had James’s clothes, a few items that Regulus stole back when stealing James’s clothes was cute and filled with laughter instead of cold and tear-stained.

 

Regulus didn’t leave his hotel room. Barty and Evan brought him food and coffee. They didn’t stay very long. Evan never liked seeing Regulus sad, used to hide in his room on Sirius’s birthday when Regulus would cry quietly, uncomfortable with the idea of trying to comfort him. Barty usually went wherever Evan went, a little more comforting but still a short lasting interaction.

 

The first time Regulus saw the outside world was Dorcas tugging him out of his hotel room for a concert. He really, really didn’t want to perform, but fuck him, he supposed. 

 

Dorcas dolled him up with pale blue makeup, an eyeliner tear drawn onto his cheek. “You’re allowed to be upset, but this won’t break you,” she said, drawing gold lines over his cheeks and pressing an affectionate kiss to the top of his head. He smiled weakly.

 

Regulus wore a black off the shoulder dress, a small funeral as he walked out on stage, his head bowed. He took a deep breath into the microphone, no words leaving his lips as Barty and Dorcas began playing.

 

“I don't wanna feel better

No one's ever gonna love me like that again

I don't wanna get over you

I wanna sit with you in bed”

 

Regulus glanced coldly to the side, looking for James. He wasn’t there.

 

“I don't wanna feel better

I'd give anything to miss you again

I don't wanna get over it

I wanna get under it instead”

 

He ran fingers through his hair, letting it raise and fall into his face as he strolled across the stage, face expressionless. As he met the verse, he sat on the edge of the stage, kicking his feet against the platform.

 

“A book sits on top of clean and messy blankets

On a bed that fuckin' creaks at night when I get in it late

And late at night, I'm chugging Gatorade

And someone's breaking up when I crack up

Because I know I'll never know just what to say”

 

He climbed to his feet to the beat, face still bare, eyes empty. And why should he pretend to be happy? Leave himself bare, let them see how he hurts. 

 

“I'm a communist, a terrorist, an MPDG thot

Or I'm a sad boy in a dorm room, living out the shitty Christian plot of

Twilight or The Bible or The Lover by Duras

Or I'm just really fuckin' selfish and really fuckin' lost”

 

There was a bitter laugh in the melodically spoken lines, something sad, and angry, and broken.

 

“But someone loved me, someone fucking loved me

Someone fucking loved me and I fuckin' loved him too

Goddamn it, I was worth something, I fuckin' learned something

I had my cake

I don’t wanna feel better”

 

Pandora sang in the background, something soft to the sharpness of Regulus’s words, and his rage, his sadness. And this time, when he glanced to the wings, searching for James, he was there, eyes locked on the ground. Regulus sneered.

 

“We kept our liquor in a suitcase underneath my bed

And we drank it to go out or just stay in or to feel sad

But in a hot way, a way I'll fuckin' never have again

The sun has began to set”

 

Regulus swallowed roughly around the words, blinking back tears. He dragged his finger against the tear mark on his cheek, pulling it down his face.

 

“I'm a socialist, Marxist, libertarian slut

I am an awkward teenage virgin and I sort of kinda laugh a lot in bed

But other times, I cry or don't make noise at all

I'd give my life to have a room that feels that small”

 

The song was so sad now, sad like Regulus, like his god-forsaken, broken, depressing life. The words fell from his lips like tears, like the threads that held him together were finally fraying and he could feel.

 

“'Cause someone loved me, someone fucking loved me

Someone fucking loved me, I loved them too

Goddamn it, I was worth something, I fuckin' earned something

I have a right to die, a right to live, a right to choose, too

And God, no!”

 

And Regulus was laughing again, no warmth in his voice.

 

“Of course I don't wanna feel better!

Can you fucking imagine?!”

 

“No one's ever gonna love me like that again

I don't wanna get over it

I wanna rip the stars to shreds

I don't wanna feel better”

 

He let his friends play, the music rough, before bring the microphone back to his lips, his eyes closed.

 

“Of course it hurt, of course it fuckin' hurt

It hurt like nothing in the world sometimes

That I was super scared, and we were all a train-wreck

And also somehow making it

I think I might've died there twice, and I would do it all again”

 

He brushed a tear away, taking only a moment to breathe so slightly.

 

“I'm a nihilist, a soldier, an OCD-machine

Or I'm a healthy baby-boy who traded sunshine for disease

But when my head hit my cheap pillow, I could tell I had a heart

And I wanna tear this fascist Milky Way apart”

 

He spit out the words, violent and venomous.

 

“'Cause someone loved me, someone fuckin' loved me

All my filthy life I loved someone I barely knew

Goddamn it, I was worth something, I fuckin' learned something

And it felt better in my mouth than fresh warm food”

 

He brought the mic away from his lips for a second to breathe as his band went quiet, and his expression was blank when he brought it back, eyes locked on the ground.

 

“I guess I loved you, I guess I really loved you

All my filthy life I loved someone I barely knew

And now you're over there, and I'm way over here

What am I gonna do?”

 

He let his band play again and he stood there in silence, eyes locked on the ground, grieving the love that could’ve been. Mourning James, who was still standing in the wings, and he could feel James’s eyes on him, watching with reverence. Mourning love, a funeral held there on the stage.

 

“I don't wanna feel better

No one's ever gonna love me like that again

I don't wanna get over you

I wanna sit with you in bed

I don't wanna feel better”

 

He let himself be sad, there on the stage, and he let the music fade around him. The applause he was met with was stifling. He ruffled his hair, pushing it behind his ear. He just let the sound wash over him, let the world fade together, until Barty and Evan each grabbed one of his hands and walked him off the stage. He was crying now, traces of tears stained black falling down his face.

 

“Do you want to go back to the hotel room?” Barty asked, gentle with him, like he was fragile, breakable, on the verge of shattering. Regulus shook his head with a thick swallow.

 

Regulus watched as Sirius went out on stage, calling out to the audience. He watched his band follow, watched James follow, and oh. James was smiling. James was smiling and that made Regulus smile. That’s why he left. That smile, the way that James stood so close to Sirius, that was why, and he couldn’t regret it.

 

“My father never talked a lot

He just took a walk around the block

'Til all his anger took a hold of him

And then he'd hit”

 

Sirius sang softly, his voice echoing through the concert hall, and Regulus glared. He’d heard this one. Even got his own line. How sweet. 

 

God, Regulus hated his brother sometimes.

 

“My mother never cried a lot

She took the punches, but she never fought

'Til she said, "I'm leaving, and I'll take the kids"

So she did”

 

Regulus couldn’t help a bitter snort. He was surprised Sirius could even remember Maman’s voice, not staying nearly as long as Regulus had. 

 

“I say they're just the ones who gave me life

But I truly am my parents' child”

 

Oh.

 

That was pain. That… that was Sirius, honesty, soul bared to the crowd. Remembering the days where Sirius would cry to Regulus that he was just like Maman, or just like Papa, and Regulus would say that Sirius was different, because Sirius cared.

 

But Sirius still worried. Sirius still feared that he was just the same. And Regulus had to bite back the urge to reach out to his brother, remind him that he wasn’t their parents. He would never be like their parents.

 

And then he remembered that his brother ruined his relationship. Well fuck.

 

“Scattered 'cross my family line

I'm so good at telling lies

That came from my mother's side

Told a million to survive

 

Scattered 'cross my family line

God, I have my father's eyes

But my brother's when I cry

I can run, but I can't hide

From my family line”

 

Regulus swallowed thickly. His hand went up to touch gently one of his eyes. The same silvery-blue as Sirius’s. When was the last time he saw his brother cry, their eyes the same? When was the last time he saw his brother be true like this, soft and sad?

 

“It's hard to put it into words

How the holidays will always hurt

I watch the fathers with their little girls

And wonder what I did to deserve this

 

How could you hurt a little kid?

I can't forget, I can't forgive you

'Cause now I'm scared that everyone I love will leave me”

 

And that made Regulus freeze. Sirius was staring straight at him, tears in his eyes. They really did look the same. That line right there, those words… those weren’t Sirius’s. They were Regulus’s, words whispered in a letter that he never sent. Tear-stained words fallen from trembling lips, and now from his brother’s.

 

“Scattered 'cross my family line

I'm so good at telling lies

That came from my mother's side

Told a million to survive

 

Scattered 'cross my family line

God, I have my father's eyes

But my brother's when I cry

I can run, but I can't hide

From my family line

From my family line”

 

Sirius moved around the stage, a hand clenched in his hair, his voice shattering as he sang, emotion building in his voice and shattering. Regulus exhaled shakily. He could feel the ache in his brother’s voice. It was the same that he felt, the same that he felt for years.

 

“Oh, all that I did to try to undo it

All of my pain and all your excuses

I was a kid but I wasn't clueless”

 

James sang in the background as Sirius mouthed the words. ‘Someone who loves you wouldn’t do this’. Words that Sirius said to Regulus, once upon a time. Words that James must have said to Sirius.

 

“All of my past, I tried to erase it

But now I see, would I even change it?

Might share a face and share a last name, but”

 

‘We are not the same’ Sirius and James said it together, a little ‘fuck you’ to Maman and Papa, and Regulus bit back a small smile. Freedom, that’s what it felt like. 

 

Freedom.

 

“Scattered 'cross my family line

I'm so good at telling lies

That came from my mother's side

Told a million to survive

 

Scattered across my family line

God, I have my father's eyes

But my brother's when I cry

I can run, but I can't hide

From my family line

From my family line”

 

Regulus loved his brother. Regulus hated his brother. Regulus… felt too much.

 

“I need a drink,” Regulus muttered, pulling Barty by the arm.

 

“I’m buying?” Barty asked, grinning, and Regulus put a small smile on his face.

 

“Of course,” Regulus laughed. “Come on.”

 

✵✵✵✧✧✧✵✵✵

 

“Long island,” Regulus muttered to the bartender, Barty and Evan on either side of him. The bartender slid the glass over to him and Regulus smiled in thanks. 

 

“Hey, Reg,” Evan grinned, grabbing his shoulder. “You see that guy over there? He’s definitely into you!” he gestured to a man who was… attractive, Regulus supposed. Nothing compared to James.

 

“You know what they say,” Barty smiled. “The best way to get over a guy is to get under someone else!”

 

Regulus appreciated the sentiment, but the man that Evan quickly brought over to flirt with him was just… nothing compared to the man he really wanted. Not James. Never James.

 

“-Great out there, Pads…”

 

Oh. James was here. And he was beautiful… And staring straight at Regulus with wide, beautiful, brown eyes. And Regulus glared as he glanced up and down at James. God… James.

 

 James, James, James. 

 

Perfect, pretty, soft, it’s-okay-smile James.

 

James and Sirius sat across the bar, far from Regulus and his friends. Regulus let the alcohol buzz in his veins, turn him soft and sweet, as he watched James and Sirius knock back shots. James kept glancing back to him, sweet as can be, a soft smile on his face.

 

He watched James stand up, slipping off to the bathroom, and Regulus followed, leaving Evan and Barty to fall over each other, in love as ever. Just before the bathroom door slammed shut, Regulus caught it, slipping in with a syrupy sweet smile.

 

“Hi, Jamie,” Regulus said sweetly, the vowels elongated. James froze as Regulus wrapped his arms around James’s neck, nuzzling into his shoulder. “I missed you…”

 

“Reg…” James said, frozen. Regulus grinned.

 

“You’re so pretty, Jamie… Pretty and perfect, and so sweet,” Regulus murmured. “God, I’ve missed you so much.”

 

“I’ve missed you too, Reggie,” James said with a soft smile. Regulus grinned, leaning up to kiss him, moving his hands to keep him close. Regulus tasted alcohol, whether on his tongue or James’s, he didn’t know, but he didn’t care, because James was perfect.

 

And Regulus wasn’t.

 

Shit, this was a mistake.

 

“I’m sorry,” Regulus whispered against James’s lips.

Notes:

(Songs: Feel Better by Penelope Scott and Family Line by Conan Gray)

Hope you enjoyed xoxo and PLEASE leave comments they're my motivation :3