Chapter Text
Vaggie stepped out of the hotel. She flicked the lighter in her hand, setting off the fireworks. They exploded into the air, and people began inching out of their hiding places.
“VAGGIE!”
Vaggie spun around and grinned. Charlie was sprinting up the path towards her, carrying a steel pitchfork. She had been trying to fight off some of the Exorcists, since she was the princess and a Hellborn and wasn't allowed to be killed. She was spattered with blood in several colors and her cheeks had tear stains on them, but she was alive.
“Charlie!” Vaggie held out her arms so Charlie could run into them and kiss her. “C’mon, let’s get you cleaned up. My interview’s in twenty minutes.”
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Across the city, a sinner had just landed in the middle of the road. “Wha-” He began checking himself. “I’m alive! I’m ali-” A taxi hit him, and he was crushed underneath its tires. It pulled up to the curb, and Alastor hopped out of it.
The driver leaned out the window. “Thanks again, hot stuff.”
Alastor wrinkled his nose. “You should learn, my friend, to not flirt with the hitman. Keep this discreet.” He held out his hand, and the driver shoved a wad of cash into it. “I’m on the nut and need the money, alright?”
“Whatever you say, Bambi!” The driver leered and began cackling like he’d just thought of the most devastating insult in the world.
Alastor’s pupils turned into radio dials, and his antlers grew longer and sharper. “I’m sorry, could you repeat that?”
“Sure.” The driver smirked. “Bambi.”
Alastor snarled and pounced. Several minutes later, he shoved the money into his pocket, wiped the driver’s blood off his mouth, and walked briskly over to the nearest bar, stealing a bottle of whiskey and strolling away. Before he could open it, another demon snatched the bottle from his hand. Alastor was about to eat him when a boulder fell onto the other demon’s head and crushed him flat.
Alastor gasped. “My whiskey! No!”
An explosion came from over his head. Alastor looked up, pulled the gun from his belt, and ran out of the way before Sir Pentious’s ship could crush him. His best friend, Niffty, waved from the roof.
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“That’s right, Tom!” Katie Killjoy declared. “After the recent Extermination, many areas are now up for grabs, and demons all over Hell are duking it out to gain more territory! Just look at this fight between Sir Pentious and pint-sized powerhouse Niffty!” The feed cut to a video of Niffty cackling as she ripped the wires out of Pentious’s ship, causing it to plummet from the sky. “They seem to really be going at it for that hot spot, huh?”
“They sure do, Katie!” Tom Trench agreed. “Hoohoo, I’d sure like to nail her hot spot!”
Katie poured hot coffee on his crotch, and he doubled over in pain.
“Coming up next, we have an exclusive interview with Carmilla Carmine’s daughter, who wants to discuss her new pet project! All that and more after the break!” Katie said. The cameraman shut the camera down, and she began berating Tom.
“Okay.” Charlie, just out of the camera’s view, fixed Vaggie’s hair bow. “You remember what to say, Vaggie?”
Vaggie sighed. “Charlie, we’ve been over this. I’m not singing to them. That’s your mom’s thing.”
Charlie pouted. “But they’ll love it if you sing to them! It always works for Mom!”
“Yeah, but I’m not your mom. They don’t know anything about me,” Vaggie protested.
An assistant rushed over. “Vaggie! You’re on!”
“Really? That was fast.” Vaggie smoothed her dress. “Okay. This will be fine. Just go over there, pitch an idea that’s probably going to fail, and wait for someone to show up at the hotel to be reformed.” She took a deep breath and walked over to the chair someone had set up for her. She held out her hand for Katie to shake. “Hi, I’m Vaggie.”
Katie gave Vaggie’s hand a look of disgust. “You can put that away, I don’t touch the gays.”
Indignant, Vaggie sat down. Katie reminded her way too much of Lute, her old boss. She, too, had been a raging homophobe with a cruel word for everyone. “Yeah? How’s that working out for you?”
Katie glared at her. “Don’t get cheeky with me. You’re only here because Rasputin wasn’t available.” She turned to face the camera, which had been turned on. “We’re back, with what’s-her-name, here to tell us about some bullshit idea of hers!”
Vaggie, forcing a smile to prevent herself from killing anyone, checked her list of things to discuss: the hotel, Alastor’s progress, Charlie’s support, and how it would save people from extermination. “I’m Vagatha Carmine, but my friends call me Vaggie.” She’d thought that using her full name made her sound more mature.
“Yeah, I don’t really care.” Katie waved her hand. “So, what’s this hairbrained project you’ve got?”
Vaggie took a deep breath. Showtime. “Okay, so I’ve only been in Hell for four years, but it breaks my heart to see this senseless genocide. So, I’ve devised a plan.” She unrolled the drawing she held under her arm, which was extra big so that the cameras could pick it up well. “I’m going to reform sinners at my Happy Hotel!”
Katie burst out laughing. “What in the Nine Circles makes you think a single denizen of Hell would give two shits about becoming a better person? You have no proof that this little experiment even works! You want people to be good? Just... because?”
Vaggie folded her arms. “I can’t promise that it works, but we have a patient already who’s shown incredible progress.”
Katie feigned shock. “Oh? Who might that be?”
“Well,” Vaggie began, “his name is Alastor. Heard of him?”
“The hitman? Seriously?” Katie burst out laughing. “That’s not even an accomplishment. I’m sure the red bitch would do anything for enough alcohol.”
“Actually, he’s been sober and out of trouble for two weeks,” Vaggie was happy to explain.
Katie pressed her earpiece. “We are receiving word that a new player has entered the turf war! Let’s go to the live feed.”
Vaggie gasped when she saw the video they were showing on another screen: Alastor, wielding a gun against Sir Pentious and his army of eggs. “Damnit, Alastor!”
“Damnit, indeed!” Katie cackled. “It looks like the one who just joined the battle is none other than the hitman we were just discussing!” She grinned at Vaggie. “What a juicy coincidence! You must feel really stupid right now.” She and Tom laughed at Vaggie. “Well, it looks like your little project is dead on arrival. Tell us, how does it feel to be a total failure?”
As the whole room laughed, Vaggie's eye blazed.