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It's not everyday that you wake up to the sound of a beluga whale howling.
Benatar sat up in bed, rubbing his eyes. Squinting into the dark. No, he thought to himself, that cannot be.
He must’ve heard wrong. For one, he was in his bed, dry and warm. On a bus. Nowhere near an ocean. He picked up his phone, checking if the ocean sounds he used to lull himself to sleep every night came with animal sound effects. If so, Benatar thought, I might have to unsubscribe from this channel. These cries of anguish are by no means soothing .
He could hear the snores of the other bandmates, still sound asleep. Wow, these guys can sleep through anything. Benatar marveled, On the contrary, perhaps I am just imagining the howls.
Just when he was about to dismiss the sounds, another howl cried out from the darkness. Sure enough, this whale, or other ungodly creature, was in the bus. Somewhere relatively in the kitchen to be exact. Benatar's heart pounded in his chest, fearing what sort of intruder would want to break into this dinky old bus. Or more importantly, how did he get in? He was pretty sure he locked the door before heading to sleep.
Can whales pick locks? No, no, that's silly Benatar dismissed the thought. Whales don't have thumbs.
He slipped out of bed, wondering what sort of freak genetic mutation in evolution would give whales the physical and mental capabilities to pick locks, whether or not this meant a whale uprising, and how this would affect society as a whole. His heart pounded in his chest as he imagined being tied up and tortured by a whale-beast thing with arms and legs. Holding his breath and bracing himself for the worst, he flicked on the kitchen lights. Shaking, he opened his eyes that were squeezed shut and jumped into a sparring position on instinct, thinking about how he should've brought a weapon.
Oh.
It was just Axel.
Benatar pushed away his whale thoughts as he stared down at the drummer sprawled on the tiled kitchen floor. Axel sat, leaning against a cabinet, legs spread out in front of him. Benatar cocked his head in confusion. He couldn’t tell which was more concerning, the howling sobs and big tears, that ran down Axel's face, ruining his eyeliner and staining his face black, or the giant bag of chocolate chips he was clutching, as he stuffed chocolate chips in his mouth by the handfuls.
Axel looked up at Benatar, wiping his tears from his eyes, smudging the eyeliner all over his hands. The same hands that he proceeded to plunge right back into the bag of chocolate chips.
Benatar looked at Axel in disgust. "You know I bought those for baking, right?"
Axel threw a handful of chocolate chips at Benatar, "Shut the fuck up. I'm so fucking high right now. I got the munchies and there's nothing good to eat here. Sue me."
Benatar kicked a chocolate chip and let out a huff of annoyance. "Well, maybe if you guys picked up your slack and went shopping every once in a while, we wouldn’t have this problem. And get off the floor. None of you clean around here, so that thing is about as filthy as a rubbish bin."
Axel groaned. "Ugh. Why do you gotta be so damn righteous all the time? Here I am, crying my fucking heart out, and all you care about are the chocolate chips and how filthy the floor is. You remind me of my mother, you insensitive piece of shit."
Benatar took a step back. "Ok! Ok! Christ! I'll ask! What happened to you?"
"It's this girl. Her name is Candy, but I'll tell ya, that bitch was anything but sweet. You know metaphorically, she was a salty, bitter, sour, nasty person. She also didn't taste good literally either. Trust me, her pussy is one of them 'acquired tastes'"
Benatar was contemplating if being a slave to the whale beasts after the takeover would be better than listening to this.
"Anyways, I met her at this bar. She was the bartender. And well, they say love is blind, so maybe that's why she made me realize there was more to relationships than sex. Like dude, I was actually in love. Usually after the hookup, I turn away and never look back, but I was getting attached. It was more than a hookup. She made me believe in the whole romance thing, all that cringy lovey dovey shit that you're into."
Benatar rolled his eyes. The guys liked to make fun of him for falling in love too fast and too hard and too easily. He was sort of glad Axel was finally understanding the feeling.
"I was getting attached. I really loved her. Started seeing a future with her. We went on a couple dates and it was getting serious. I thought she loved me too. I thought we were soulmates. Like she was 'The One' or some shit like that. Can you believe it? I was ready to commit to this girl!"
Benatar cringed. He knew what was coming. It was what he had experienced a million times before, himself.
"Anyways, turns out, she was cheating on me. Or I guess, I was the one she was cheating with. I was her side hoe. Or side dude or side bro or whatever the fuck you call it. I guess her HUSBAND found out about me and stormed in on our little BDSM session because I guess this bitch was dumb enough to rent the Airbnb under HIS name using HIS card. I always wondered why I never got to visit her house. She said it was because she lived with her parents and they wouldn't approve of me. Turns out, it's because she lives with her husband, and he sure did not approve of me! He proceeded to whip me with my own whip I bought for our 5 month anniversary that we were just testing out in bed. Lemme tell you, he does not know how to do BDSM right. That shit was NOT kinky. I was about to ask him if he wanted to do a threesome, so I could teach him how to pleasure properly."
Benatar blinked, bewildered. "Mate, it is 1 in the morning. I am way too tired to hear about your weird fetish experiences."
"Hold on! I'm almost done! Anyways, me being inclusive made him angry so he proceeded to beat the shit out of me." Axel sighed. "He may have broken both my legs and probably 3 of my ribs, but Candy broke my trust. And," He held his hands to his chest. "My heart."
Benatar stood, staring at Axel. Eyes wide and mouth agape. "HE BROKE YOUR WHAT?"
Axel shook his head. "No, SHE broke my heart. She just sat there in his lap while she spun some fake ass story and made herself the victim. Then she just stood there and didn't protest as she watched me get my ass beat. She didn't even raise a finger in my defense."
"The fuck? No Axel, I'm not talking about your broken heart! I'm talking about the other thing you said? THE HUSBAND! You said he broke 3 ribs and both your legs?"
"I said 'probably'. I haven't really had the time to make it to the hospital yet" Axel chuckled.
"How the hell is this funny? How did you even get home if both of your legs are broken?"
"I crawled."
"YOU WHAT?"
"I crawled. Christ on a stick, dude. Are you going deaf? I stopped to smoke some pot on the way home to numb the pain. You know what? I quit smoking for her. She didn't like me doing it, so I stopped. I was really planning on quitting forever. I loved her so much that I was gonna stop for our future. If we really spent the rest of our life together, I would’ve never touched a joint again. Can you believe that? That's so not freaking metal dude."
"I-I think we really need to take you to the hospital."
Axel didn't answer. He just resumed eating his chocolate chips, blankly staring at the wall.
"I don't know. Do you wanna go now? Or can you hold off until tomorrow?"
"Benatar?"
"Y-yeah?"
"C'mere."
Benatar hesitantly walked towards Axel. When he got close enough, Axel grabbed him by the collar of his shirt, pulling Benatar in and planting his lips onto Benatar's.
Benatar immediately pulled back, surprised. He felt a blush rise on his cheeks "The fuck was that?"
Axel smiled. "Your lips are so pink and soft. Just like Candy's. You know what? You're cool Benatar. Like, you wouldn't cheat on me and shit."
"Because we aren't dating."
"Naw, but even if we did, you wouldn't. You ain't a liar like that. You’re cool. And nice. And smart. And honest. And pretty."
"Even if we did?" This conversation was going to places Benatar wasn't sure he wanted to go.
"I mean yeah. I don't think dating you would be gay. Like I dunno. You're too feminine for that. Like you have no muscles. You're so skinny, I could easily dominate you."
Benatar pushed away a mental image of Axel pinning him against the wall.
"You do girly stuff like reading and writing poetry and baking. You like, dress up and do your hair and shit. You're not that manly"
"Well I'm sorry," Benatar fired back. "I'm sorry I don't fit your misogynistic viewpoint of what a manly man is supposed to be. I'm sorry I actually take care of my appearance, have hobbies, and stay in touch with my emotions."
"Fuck you." Axel muttered, stuffing more chocolate in his mouth.
"Look. You're fucking baked as shit, mate. You're gonna regret this all tomorrow when you become sober. This gay stuff? It's just your impulsive thoughts. So I suggest you shut up before you say more stuff you're going to regret."
"No." Axel smiled a big, dopey smile. "These thoughts aren't impulsive. I think about you all the time. Even when I'm sober. It's just the marijuana makes me brave. Oh and the fact that I nearly died today. After that, I feel like I can conquer anything."
"You-you…think about me all the time? But I thought you loved Candy-"
"Of course I did, dumbass. I don't want to marry you or anything. You're too fucking annoying for that. I just think you're hot. And I think I wanna fuck you. But I don't need a romantic relationship with you. You're already my friend."
"Oh." Benatar couldn't tell if he was disappointed or relieved.
"But I just think you're hot and fuckable because you look like a girl."
"Get your eyes checked, Andrew Tate. And your brain while you're at it. You stereotyping, sexist twat." Benatar turned around, back stiff. He so badly wanted to leave. This conversation was so awfully uncomfortable, but he knew Axel needed him.
"Benatar?" Axel's voice was small and feeble again.
"Yeah?"
"Come here please."
Benatar tentatively walked towards Axel. "I swear to God if you kiss me again…"
Axel grabbed Benatar, wrapping him in a warm embrace. "I love you man. Even just as a friend. Or I dunno, maybe I’m realizing now that we’ve broken up, Candy was a piece of shit and you’ve been a great friend and maybe you could be even a better partner. Or not. Friends with benefits maybe. Or if you're not comfortable with that, I can just jerk off to your picture. Or you know. Just the friends thing. Or just bandmates. Wow, this is eye-opening. But whatever you want dude. I don't really care. I'm so high right now. HUEHAHAhahaHeheheHEHA!"
Benatar decided it would be wise not to answer.
"Thanks Ben, I really needed this hug. Now get off me. You're crushing my ribs."
Benatar rolled off Axel, shooting him a small smile. "Do you need pain killers or something?"
Axel shook his head, "Nah. Just stay with me. Sit with me."
"Ok." Benatar sat next to Axel, leaning against the cabinet, legs sprawled out. "Do me a favor though."
"Yeah. You want me to shaboink you? Even though I can't walk, I can still fuck you until YOU won't be able to walk. I have excellent stamina."
"Oh bloody hell Axel, no! Just pass me the damn chocolate chips, please!"
"Ok, but the offer is always on the table."
Benatar stuffed a handful of chocolate in his mouth and didn't answer.
EPILOGUE
DeeJay pushed Axel out in a wheelchair, both of his legs were wrapped in big casts. Puff shook his head. "This looks worse than the time I jumped off the roof of the bus into a vat of expired Jello for forty bucks. Despite looking bouncy, that stuff does NOT break falls!"
Benatar held out a sticker to Axel. "Here. I got this from the front desk. You get it for being a brave, big boy. Put this on one of your casts."
Axel took the sticker and examined it. "A whale? Why?"
"Oh trust me, mate. This guy is your spirit animal."