Chapter Text
Cal's POV
People always wish for a second chance. Cal Kestis has a thousand chances, but sometimes wishes he didn't have any.
It is a strange thing. Sometimes he dies and dies until he succeeds, always trying a new path, a new tactic. But other times, there's a wall preventing him from going too far. It is both a blessing, to be able to just try again if he dies, and a curse, that he cannot change what's truly important.
The first time was above Bracca.
Master Tapal told him to get to the escape pods. Cal was focused on blocking the shots from the group ahead of him, and didn't see the trooper coming out of the door on his right.
He barely felt the blaster bolt hit his head.
Perhaps that's why he was able to tell himself it was a vision, when he found himself a few minutes earlier, in the hallway he came from.
And then, with everything that happened, he mostly forgot about it. Perhaps on one dark night, curled up in his threadbare bed provided by the Guild, he cursed the Force for giving him a warning of that, but not the betrayal, or his Master's death.
When he fights Trilla on Bracca, painfully weak, he doesn't stand much of a chance.
The lightsaber in his heart burns, but he doesn't have much time to think about it, as the next time he opens his eyes, it's seconds before his death, and the crimson lightsaber is aiming for him. This time, he blocks it.
On their way to Bogano, he rubs his chest and thinks he can still feel the burn. But he is alive, is he not? Once again, a vision to save his life. Perhaps the pain was just a warning too.
He tries not to think about it, but every time he is close to death, in the back of his head, he is waiting for a vision of warning. And let's just say he had a few close calls on Zeffo.
Then came Kashyyyk. He was following Saw's plan, making his way through the forest and then the Imperial base.
The purge trooper get the drops on him. Cal takes the end of the staff to the neck, and the high voltage electricity kills him in seconds.
When he comes to himself, he is no longer in the Imperial base. He is outside, still in the grand Kashyyyk forest, kneeling in the mud where he remembers stopping for a brief rest.
He leans forward, bracing himself on his elbows as he ignores BD's concerned beeps.
This can't be right.
This can't be a vision. Would a vision show him crawling through mud and stormtroopers for a whole hour? Would it show him walking into a stinging bush, or him slipping as he dodges a blaster bolt?
It felt real. His throat feels itchy, where the electro staff hit him. But how could this be real?
Cal assures BD that he is alright, that he just needs a moment, and sits back up to meditate. His usual mindscape welcomes him. Dark floor, white light, and strange symbols.
Meditation has always been special to him. He needs an organized mind to control his Psychometry, and he likes to go through memories he acquired from echoes. Whenever he sits down, retreating to his mind, it feels safe. Doesn't matter if it's near a raging battlefield, the world simply ceases to exist to him.
Master Tapal both praised him, and warned him not to ignore his surroundings. Cal doesn't think his Master quite understood what he meant. The world around him completely disappears. All Cal can feel is himself. His mind, his body, and the Force within him.
And no one ever interrupts him. How could they, when he isn't part of their world anymore? At least that's how it felt to Cal.
He simply thought he was good at meditating. The way it helped him recharge his energy, healed him faster, all these things are something meditation is supposed to help with. But maybe... there was a reason he woke up here.
The Force sings, and it echoes through the emptiness.
Cal opens his eyes. He never gave much thought to the glowing symbols in his mind. Perhaps he should have, because they now encircle him, their bright white glow in contrast with the Kashyyyk mud.
He asks BD. The droid cannot see anything strange. Later, he asks Cere. She cannot see anything either. But Cal, he cannot stop seeing the damn things. Every time he sits down to meditate, he sees them light up around him, and it feel like something just clicked into place.
When he returns to Zeffo, the Second Sister waits for him, and once again buries her saber in his chest. Her personal revelation is far more of a surprise than coming back from the dead.
Then he gets kidnapped, and he is much more concerned for his droid friend, than his own life. Before he enters the arena, he sits down, and lets the glowing symbols burn into the ground. Thankfully, Greez crashes the Mantis into the base before it could get too serious.
On Dathomir, an undead Nightsister claws out one of his eyes, then another rips his throat open. BD was very concerned after that one. But how do you explain that you felt the blood pour out of the gaping wound in your neck, that every other moment he wants to check it's not there anymore? That his right eye itches with a phantom pain of claws ripping through it?
A Nightbrother gets a lucky shot in with his bow, but that one he barely felt it connect. He appreciates them going for the head, no time to feel any pain.
After that, he slips when the Gorgara takes the fight to the air. There's a split second where he felt his body hit the ground. That left him shaking for a good hour before he could continue.
The next time he is on Dathomir, with a new orange kyber in his saber, the vision of his Master tells him this.
"Remember, persistence reveals the path."
When Malicos cuts off his arm, then his head, at least five different times, he remembers that.
Persistence. Whatever this is, doesn't matter if a trial or a gift, he has to persist through every single death until he does succeed.
But the vision in the Bogano Temple shakes him. A real vision, a real warning this time.
It shows him what could happen. If the Empire comes for the younglings, ones he trained and felt responsible for. If he lost them.
When he looks in the mirror, it's not the Inquisitorius uniform he sees. It's yellow eyes and a blood red blade. He failed. And then he never wanted to fail ever again, no matter what it took.
Persistence. His Master said.
Through every death, every loss and failure, he has to persist. Or he will lose himself.
Before their duel for the holocron, Trilla says this.
"Here I thought your greatest virtue was your dogged persistence as you stumble from one debacle to the next."
Cal almost says, 'guess you made a mistake not killing me on Bracca'. But she did. She did kill him.
"You wouldn't believe just how right your are about that."
She still manages to take the holocron. He is left there standing with no holocron and an Inquisitor's blade in his hands. Cal looks down at the hilt, knuckles white as he grips it. For a moment he wonders if he dies now, will the Force bring him back before the fight?
No, the Force tells him. That moment has already passed.
And Cal learns there are points in the Force, shatterpoints, that he cannot change. Once the decision has been made, it cannot be taken back. Who's decision? Doesn't matter, as long as a path has been chosen.
Back on the Mantis, when he tells Cere, 'mistakes are in the past', he feels a little hypocritical. His mistakes don't always stay in the past. As long as those mistakes are his death.
It's a suicidal plan to infiltrate the Fortress Inquisitorius. For anyone else that is. Merrin's magick certainly helps.
Before the mission, he begs Cere to let him go alone. If it's only him, what's the danger? He can always try again. Of course she wants to hear none of that. Even if he is a Knight now, she won't let him face that place alone. He almost tells her of his... ability. It would be crazy, impossible, even for a Jedi.
But something tells him she needs to do this. For herself, for Trilla.
Besides, she is more than skilled, taking out three purge troopers at once. Cal himself managed to stay alive as he made his way towards the holocron. Stormtroopers are not much of a challenge anymore.
Then as he duels Trilla, he never falters. He knows all her moves, all her secrets, but when she says 'I'm stronger now because of the pain', he cannot rebuke her. Is he not stronger because of his pain? All those deaths... haven't they forged him into something stronger?
But he won't let death and pain define him. He will not.
When he defeats her, the holocron now in his hands, he turns his back to the talk Cere and Trilla are having. Despite everything, of the many times Trilla killed him, he wishes she could come with them, that Cere could be reunited with her Padawan.
But, even before he hears the heavy footsteps, and feels Trilla's fear, he knows that Trilla Suduri will die here today. And there is nothing he can do about it. The decision has already been made. The path has been chosen.
Darth Vader tells him it would be wise to surrender. Cal would have laughed if he wasn't terrified. He's not sure how much of that is from Trilla's echoes, and how much is his own fear. He may not be able to die, but there's something about that Sith that actives whatever reasonable instincts he has left.
The next series of events could barely be described as a fight. Vader practically throws the whole room at Cal, and Cal can't do anything but run and repeatedly tell himself that Vader can't actually kill him.
When Vader stabs Cal with his own lightsaber, he thinks that's it for this run. But Cere puts up a good fight against the Sith.
Until her hatred proves too much, and that's when Cal knows he has to step in. She will never overpower Darth Vader that way, and would never forgive herself if she went too far. But even Vader needs all his power and attention against the ocean itself.
After everything, back on the Mantis, Cal looks at the floating holocron before him, and he knows he made this choice a long time ago.
"Their destiny should be trusted to the Force."
He can't be the one to decide their path. Because if he failed, it would break him.
So all he can do is continue to fight for what he believes in, with every single death he dies. To continue to try again and again, and never give up.
The following three years he spends with the Mantis Crew. Two of them are Force sensitive, of course they notice something. But what is Cal supposed to say? That he died so many times he stopped counting? That sometimes it was easier to kill himself than deal with healing up? That for some reason, the Force won't let him die?
Merrin... she knows on a deeper level something is wrong. She once told him that he feels like death, not unlike the spirits of her dead sisters. Cal didn't say anything to that.
After his duel with the Fifth Brother, after Greez lost an arm for him, Cal was so angry. At Greez of all people. He couldn't have known that Cal would be fine. So maybe he was just angry at himself.
Merrin cornered him before their next mission.
"Whatever happens during this time, if things go bad, do not ask me to leave. Not this time."
"I only ever do that to protect you. It's my job-"
Merrin doesn't let him finish, sending a withering glare his way.
"I want to protect people, too. This is my crew, too. And you do not have to sacrifice yourself
for us."
Cal clenches his fists, and doesn't dare to meet Merrin's eyes.
"You don't understand. I have to." Because he's the only one who can.
"Then tell me, Cal Kestis, make me understand." Ah, of course she already knew that he was hiding something. She was just baiting him into admitting it.
Would it be so bad? That someone knows? Cal doesn't know why it feels shameful to admit. Perhaps because it means admitting that he fails so much.
But Merrin... she always understood him. Better than anyone ever has.
So he tells her.
Cal starts with the realm in his minds, a place that feels worlds away. The symbols that shine beneath him when he meditates. That no one else can see them. And, that when he dies, he reawakens on those very symbols, like nothing ever happened.
He tells her his first death, and his most recent death. He doesn't tell her when he died on Dathomir. How he died.
They sit on his bunk in silence, her hand in his, and she just feels... sad. She does understand why he does it. She would do the same.
"I know what you can do. But I would never forgive myself if something happened to you out there that I could have prevented." Even if it took his death.
Merrin looks conflicted. He knows, she doesn't want him to die for her. But she only has one life, and he has many.
"It is a heavy burden, that the Force has given you." She tightens her hold on his hand. "But one you do not have to shoulder so alone. Maybe death means nothing to you, but even so, I will be there with you."
He might die again and again and again. He has to, to protect his people, and to defeat the Empire. But that doesn't mean he has to be alone. Merrin will protect him in a different way. He will make sure she won't lose her life, and she will make sure he won't lose himself.
Later, she tells him she wants to travel the galaxy, and he doesn't take offense. He knows she will still be there for him, twin flames across the galaxy. He wishes he could go with her. But he has a duty that he will not abandon.
When Cere tells him that she is leaving, that hurts more. She says that he is being reckless, borderline suicidal even.
Hah.
But he knows she's just worried. Cal thinks about telling her, but he knows that the truth would make her even more worried. Horrified even. He doesn't think she would understand it like Merrin.
It's fine, they all have their own paths to walk. Even Greez, who found himself a quiet planet and a nice bar to run, like he always wanted to.
He leaves the Mantis with Cal, and Cal loves him for it. Because he knows Greez would never give the Mantis to anyone less than family.
Cal goes to Saw, who welcomes him with open arms. He understands Cal's drive, and he has no problem sending Cal to his potential death. That's probably not a good thing, but Cal appreciates it. Even if Saw will never know the truth. Because well, Cal trusts Saw, but he also knows him. It's simpler this way.
Coruscant goes... bad. Honestly, he though about doing it alone. But the decision has been made, far too long ago for him to do anything about it, and now his crew is dead except for the new guy.
Koboh is nostalgic. Fighting the Separatist droids is exhilarating and strange. The droidekas that once made him freeze in fear, fold under his saber fast, despite their shields. Sometimes Cal swears he hears a clone's voice in his ears. He misses them, despite everything. He wonders if they ever loved him like he loved them.
Then there are the Jedi facilities left behind. Though they delipidated, when he sits down in a meditation chamber, he swears he can hear a group of Padawans laughing, and a Master scolding them, telling them to concentrate.
It was never like that for him. He became a Padawan on the week the war started.
Despite the both painful and wistful memories the echoes bring, he loves exploring Koboh. Being eaten by a rancor was not fun though.
But what was first just discovering the history left behind, turns serious real fast. Cal hasn't died to a lightsaber in a while.
Dagan Gera is skilled, despite losing an arm, and strong in the Force, despite the centuries he spent asleep. Perhaps Cal was still hoping to talk him down, but he got a red saber shoved in his throat for that.
But if Koboh is rich in history, Jedha is the whole treasury.
It's nice to reunite with Cere. She looked better, more sure of herself.
It's great to meet Master Cordova. The man is everything BD's recordings made him out to be.
It's amazing to fight alongside Merrin again. He's happy to hear of her travels, and how she joined the Hidden Path. She lets him see everything for himself, when she hands him her staff.
Later, after the hunt for the broken compasses, they face the Trident class warship together. It was nothing like Cal ever felt. The charm Merrin pressed into his hand, that lit their bond with green flames, and Cal suddenly understood her magick.
Merrin tells him to keep it. He knows what goes unsaid. No outsider would have a Nightsister charm. He's tempted to make her a lightsaber in exchange, but like she sensed his thoughts, she sends him a flat look that communicates her displeasure with the concept. Even if she appreciates the intent.
Instead, he braids a thin braid out his now far too long hair, and cuts it. It's no Padawan braid, and it isn't meant to be. He tells her it's for her rituals, if she ever needed to find him, she could use that. But they both know she's been enjoying braiding his hair. He knows it reminds her of caring for her sisters' hair.
The second duel with Dagan went much better. Even if Cal managed to throw himself down to the generator of the Lucrehulk. Dagan might be even stronger, as he recovered, but Cal, well he has been snooping around a lot on Koboh. And Dagan left a many echoes behind.
It pays to know your enemy.
Now the fight against Rayvis, that was different. Cal is pretty sure he hasn't died to a single opponent, in a single fight, so many times before. Whenever Cal succeeds, when he thinks he won, Rayvis simply regenerates from injuries that should mean death. A man who cannot die, and against another man who cannot die. Not that Rayvis knows that part.
It was a pity Rayvis wanted a true death, instead of joining Cal. So before he decapitated the Gen'Dai, he told him this.
"Eight deaths." The glow of his saber paints both of their faces orange. "I died eight times when fighting you. As one undying warrior to another, you fought well."
He kills Rayvis before the man could comprehend what he said. But it felt nice to actually admit that to an opponent.
Santari's Observatory was a fascinating experience. Cal wished he could have met the woman, but echoes is the closest he will get.
He saw her drive to help the people around her, that she came to the Outer Rims because of that. He saw her way with machines, how she persisted against an impossible challenge. He saw her skill with her saber, an elegant blend of Makashi and Soresu.
He finds that very lightsaber. Cal knows Dagan was here already, that he wanted to take the saber. But shame stopped him.
Cal has no such problem. At this point, he knows Santari well enough that he knows she would like her lightsaber used, than simply gathering dust. Even if it's against Dagan himself. Perhaps especially then.
The third duel with Dagan doesn't go nearly as well as the previous. The man has been obviously learning to use the Dark Side better. Cal could feel it hanging over them like fog, full of rage and grief.
Cal lies on the floor with a lightsaber wound across his chest. It burns, but nearly as much as one through the heart.
"How does it feel to know that you're about to die?"
When Dagan asks him that, Cal laughs. It's a little choked up, on account of being tossed around like a ragdoll.
Dagan probably wanted to monologue more, but pauses at the sight of Cal laughing to himself on the floor. Then Cal feels him probing, and Cal lets him. Because a connection is never one sided.
"I can feel it, Cal Kestis. Pain. Fear. Anger. You already know there is immense power in such emotions." Dagan circles around Cal slowly. "Perhaps if you accepted that power, you could have won..."
He trails off as he gets to the source of all these emotions.
Death.
Dagan wavers as the feeling of death washes over him. It's understandable, living beings aren't meant to feel that. Cal takes advantage of that momentary distraction.
"I'd expect you to remember, Dagan." Santari Khri leisurely walks past Dagan, and sends him a critical eye over her shoulders. "Emotion, yet peace. Never power."
"You...!" Dagan sounds unsure, like he doesn't know if he should be screaming in rage, or speaking with love.
Her face turns both steely and sad. She takes a step closer to Dagan, stopping in front of him. He lets her.
"Perhaps I should have been the one to free you. Perhaps I should have come back for you." She shakes her head. "But we have both chosen our path, and mistakes remain in the past."
Cal ignites Santari Khri's saber and shoves it Dagan's chest. He keeps the illusion up as the life fades from the man's pale eyes, and lets Santari speak once more.
"Death, yet the force. Remember, nothing is ever truly lost."
Cal isn't sure why he is saying that to a dead man. Perhaps he is telling it to himself.
Bode groans on the ground.
"Please tell me this is real."
Cal extends a hand to help the other man up, and offers an explanation.
"Some kind of Force hallucination, trying to use our mind against itself. Probably a Dark Side technique." Bode takes Cal's hand but doesn't look him in the eyes. "Unfortunately for him, minds are kind of my thing."
He doesn't explain it any further, Bode probably doesn't even know what the Dark Side is. He doesn't need to know how Cal twisted the technique against Dagan with magick, and used the echoes of Santari to craft a rather convincing illusion.
Was it just an illusion? Cal shudders and looks down at the saber in his hands. Those words didn't quite feel like his own. Something to examine later.
He closes Dagan's eyes, and as he stares at the Arkanian, an idea strikes him.
Tanalorr's a fortress. As safe as one could get from the Empire. Cal wonders if he had this knowledge, would he have held onto Master Cordova's holocron.
No matter, there are still people who need him, and need a safe place. Like the Hidden Path. When he tells this to Bode, the other man doesn't seem nearly as enthused as Cal.
Bode says he's gonna stay to look around, and Cal jokes that's his line. He's too lost in his head, thinking about the possibilities Tanalorr brings, that he forgets about Dagan's lightsaber.
Later, he wonders is it was this, or the talk on Jedha, that was the shatterpoint of Bode choosing his path.
As Cal chases after Bode, in the back of his mind something is screaming at him that he is making a mistake. That he should be back there, giving his life so the others could live. But he couldn't save Master Cordova. He felt it the moment Bode shot him, that there is no going back from that. No second chance.
So he let his anger overwhelm him. And he paid the price for it.
It should have been him instead of Cere.
Then, he was Cere for a moment. Perhaps he didn't even realize what he was doing, but against everything he was taught about his psychometry, he used it on her. Not only he used it on a person, but on his dead Master.
He almost got lost in the memories, but the echo of her death dragged him out of it, with grief and anger that could only be his own. He still felt her die. He felt her die. It's one thing to die himself, and another to feel it happen to one he loves, to know she will never wake up from it like he would.
Merrin, Greez, and BD are alright, and yet it does nothing to cool the rage in his chest. If anything, their anguish stokes the flames.
So on Nova Garon, Cal takes takes Dagan's advice. When all those soldiers try to stand between him and his goal, he let his anger and hatred guide him. He feeds the fire, and it feels so good. Heat and power running through him, he is untouchable, and nothing in his way stands a chance.
With Bode gone, it's so easy to blame all of it on Denvik. It would be just as easy to snap his neck with the Force. It wants him to. He knows it would be so satisfying.
But... Merrin doesn't want him to. She doesn't want him to lose himself. That's right, didn't Cal once tell himself he won't let pain define him?
Emotion yet peace, Santari Khri said.
So when they arrive on Tanalorr, and stand before the broken Jedi Temple, Cal tells Merrin they have to try, if not for Bode, then for Kata.
Bode is a good fighter, despite not having held a lightsaber in close to a decade. Objectively, Cal is better, he knows that. He has to be, after the hundreds of duels against his old enemies, in the privacy of his mind. But Cal is hesitant, he doesn't want to let his hatred, the Dark Side, overwhelm him again. So Bode kills him, lightsaber to the stomach, and as Cal grips Bode's shirt, he feels how wretched the man feels about everything.
And yet he keeps going, that he still feels justified about it. So Cal knows he cannot hold back. Before he can be killed a second time, he lets the flames roar again. But this time, he doesn't let them devour him.
With Cal's lightsaber at his neck, Bode asks Cal a question.
"And when the Empire comes, will you be able to protect my little girl?" Bode's voice shakes, and the orange glow of Cal's saber paints his eyes far too bright.
Cal's mind takes him back to five years ago, in that Temple on Bogano. Can he? Without losing himself? Like he did just days ago? That momentary distraction is enough for Bode, to put Cal in a chokehold, and Merrin is Force choke.
But it's down to luck in the end. Or perhaps the Force. Cal's blaster fires, and Bode's doesn't.
...
It has been almost five years then.
Much has happened, and things have changed. But the important part hasn't.
Cal still fights the Empire. He still protects those he can. He still persists.
His goal is the same as ever. Defeat the Empire. But he feels so very different to that eighteen year old kid. So much death, pain, and anger in him, and yet more resolute than ever.
After Bode, perhaps there was a single second, where he wavered. Maybe it would be safer to hide, for Merrin, for Kata. He could stop dying all the time.
But ten years ago, he made a choice. He is a Jedi, and he will never hide again. He has a duty to this galaxy. What else would be his ability for? It's not a burden, not a blessing or a curse, it's a duty.
People noticed his crusade. The Jedi who doesn't hide. The one the Empire cannot kill. The survivor.
He always walked away alive no matter the mission, no matter the enemy. His bounty rose higher, which lead to a very memorable encounter, and a very memorable echo. But perhaps he even dares to say it lead to a friendship, with a face he missed and feared both.
He made sure Tanalorr was safe as it could be. He almost sacrificed his sanity for it, but with Merrin's help, he walked away with invaluable knowledge of both the Force, and the Koboh Abyss.
He took over Cere's position in the Hidden Path. A leader, who fought for them, and gave them a safe place from the Empire. And in moments of weakness, when he felt so alone, there were echoes left for him, that assured him he wasn't. Left by the Jedi who walks the same path as he, in more ways than one, but fight from the shadows, instead of the spotlight.
He still fought with the Partisans, took on missions that would be suicidal for anyone else. He had a certain reputation, many thought him crazy, but others respected him, trusted him. Maybe even Saw trusts him. He at least trusts Cal's decisions, and that is good enough. Their partnership is the Empire's nightmare.
Yet, there was one threat Cal couldn't conquer, even after everything.
Over the years Cal have taken on dozens of Inquisitors. There have been skilled ones, but none who could truly hold up against him. The skilled ones merely get to escape. However, after all the failed attempts on his life, someone took notice.
Darth Vader.
And don't get him wrong, Cal tried what he always does. Learn their tricks, use their weakness against them. But Vader was just as strong as the echo of Cere's duel. Cal lost count of how many times he died to the Sith. So, Cal just simply leaves. He takes advantage of his knowledge of the fight, and escapes at the right opening.
Cal hopes Cere is proud of him. Letting go isn't easy, but he knows from experience, letting his emotions get to him, won't help him against a fight with Vader.
After that first particular mission, Saw clapped him in a side armed hug and roughly told him it's good to have him back. Cal knows the rebels have lost good people to Vader, and to escape him, it was nothing short of a miracle. Jyn later told him she has never seen Saw display so much emotion towards someone who wasn't her. She also proceeded to interrogate him on how he escaped. Cal regaled her and the peanut gallery with a dramatic tale, conveniently leaving out the dying multiple times part.
And so everyone wrote it up as another miracle of the Jedi.
But then it just kept happening. It seemed like Vader had taken Cal's escape rather personally. The man seemed dedicated to become Cal's personal boogeyman, showing up in dark corridors and murdering Cal in various ways. At one point it became more annoying than terrifying. Cal would think the Supreme Commander has better things to do than chase a lone Jedi. Though perhaps Cal should stop sabotaging his Star Destroyers.
But unfortunately for the Sith, Cal is rather good at creating new escape opportunities. Even if they don't work out the first time around.
The Partisans eventually decided that Cal shall be the Vader wrangler, and whenever the man stood in their path, Saw just sent Cal to distract him. Cal isn't sure how to feel about being the Sith bait, but as long as it saves people, he's fine with dying a few times.
After a while, Vader seemed to switch up his tactics. For the first time in their little duels, he didn't immediately attack Cal. Instead, he tried to tell Cal he would make a good Sith. Not even an Inquisitor. A Sith.
Apparently Vader was trying to get Cal to be his apprentice, but Cal was so shocked he just choked out a laugh.
It wasn't truly funny. It hasn't happened to him in a while, but Cal saw red. How dare he even ask that, when the man had killed Trilla right before she could choose for herself, killed Cere and destroyed everything she worked for.
However, unlike years ago, on Nova Garon, now Cal knew not to let the flames burn him up.
There isn't a single day, where there isn't hatred and anger somewhere in his heart. Not with the kind of life he leads. Those emotions will always be there, but even when it's all he feels, he cannot let them be what drive him.
Merrin helped. Her own magick uses emotions for power. The Jedi would call that using the Dark Side. But even so, Merrin is different from the Sith. Only if she let those emotions be all that she is, then she would be no better than the Sith.
Cal has long since embraced this philosophy, and tries not to think what his Masters would think about that.
Perhaps this time, Cal came closest to defeating Vader. He knew the steps, he had the power, it was a duel like none other. Then, for a brief moment then, his mind brushed against Vader's, who wasn't shielded by burning fires like he usually was. Perhaps because he was concentrating or because he was actually enjoying their clash, but the man was projecting at Cal.
There were no words, just the feeling of an unspoken connection. Of similarities. Cal reminded Vader of someone. A reckless rebel, with an intrepid droid, and a leader of his people. A foolish Jedi.
That's what Vader thought of him. But at the same time, he thought Cal was similar to him… to Darth Vader.
Cal recoils from the connection.
He crashes the ship. In his opinion a valid way to escape someone. Merrin didn't think so. Cal tells her Darth Vader was a Jedi. Merrin looks at him like he's stupid. Of course he was, she says.
In hindsight, it makes sense. The leader of the Inquisitors, also a fallen Jedi. And yet it felt strange. Vader didn't feel the same as the others. Not broken like Trilla. It makes Cal think he has fallen willingly. And yet, Vader didn't feel contented, not the way the Grand Inquisitor felt, satisfied with his own power and existence.
No, what Cal felt was disgust and self-hatred. It confused him, a true Sith shouldn't be like that. But there was something else, perhaps the reason Cal was able to probe so much.
Because Vader felt lonely. A cold and empty loneliness that Cal is rather familiar with. The hole that the death of family leave behind.
All in all Vader felt like a miserable man who has lost everything. And fine, Cal admits he could relate. It felt like that on Bracca. Like everything was gone and nothing mattered. But Cal didn't become a monster because of it. He fought, he killed, he struggled. He still tried all the same, to be good, to be the Jedi the galaxy needed.
But Cal knows, Vader was what he could have become after Cere's Archives burned. Had Merrin died as well, Cal isn't sure things would've gone the same. Perhaps, Vader wasn't so wrong, and they are similar. It gives Cal a pause. Despite everything, he couldn't continue looking at Vader like just a monster, even if that would be so much simpler. The man is more than that, beneath all that pain.
Just what happened to the Jedi to turn out like this? And why continue fighting for the Empire when he has nothing left to fight for? Cal thinks Cere and Master Tapal must be shaking their heads at him, while Santari and Master Cordova would approve of solving a mystery.
So Cal does what he does best, and jumps headfirst into danger. He conquered the Fortress Inquisitorius before, what's another Sith castle?
Of course, he already knew about Mustafar. If there's one thing Cal prides himself on, it's information gathering. And his last run in with the Grand Inquisitor was quite informative. The man was too invested in trying to behead Cal to notice that the true goal of their meeting was not his death, but investigating the base the Inquisitorius has set up on Mustafar.
He let Saw know where he's heading. The man calls him rash, but knows better than to interfere with Cal's missions. However, Cal does not tell Merrin. Because well, let's just say this is reckless even for him. She would probably talk him out of it. But it's not like he can truly die. He always comes back to her.
And if it really comes down to that, she can find and save his ass. Wouldn't be the first time.
Perhaps confronting Vader in his home base is a sign that Cal has grown arrogant. But he has to know what happened to the Jedi Order. The knowledge of how the Empire rose could be crucial information for the Rebellion.
And, Cal simply wants closure. What did his family die for? Why did his best friends try to kill him? Cal knows Vader has the truth of it all. Because the Emperor chose him, and how that exactly happened is a whole another mystery in itself.
Cal can feel that Mustafar is important. Both in the fall of the Jedi Order, and to Vader personally. As Cal meditates above the fiery planet, he swears he can feel the heat through the borrowed Imperial shuttle. But he knows it's just the Force playing tricks on him.
White runes light up under him and darkness blankets Cal's mind. Darkness and peace, completely erasing the oppressive presence of the planet below him.
The place changed a lot over the years since he first discovered his ability. Different areas appear and disappear according to significant events in his life. His mood also tends to influence the scenery.
It's no longer blanketed by white light, instead the sky is dark, dotted with stars. Unnatural black rocks tower over Cal, in shapes distinctive to Koboh Matter. The same circular symbols run along the ground, though not glowing at the moment. A shattered moon looms over it all.
Now a red fog seems to seep from the ground. Cal isn't sure it's anticipation or just the Dark Side lurking in the back of his mind.
To anyone else, the landscape would be a daunting sight, perhaps even unnerving. But to Cal it's safe like nothing ever is.
Cal often wonders if he lingers long enough, or reaches far enough, would something find him in the void?
But nothing indicates there in any kind of entity other than him in there. Sometimes there are three statues looming over Cal, but neither those, nor the glowing runes have led him anywhere in the real world. It's not in a language anyone has documented.
Cal knows they mean something. Some of them he knows. Sometimes he finds these runes in a place strong in the Force, and just suddenly knows what they mean. They join the rest of the symbols, on the ground, weaved into the pattern effortlessly. He thinks they help him in some way.
Back on Koboh, when he found the rune he knows means 'fortification', he found it easier to recover from injuries. When he found the one that means 'shatter', he found it easier to break through the shields of droidekas. There's even one that means 'wisdom', though Cal didn't feel all that much wiser after finding it.
An inquisitive beep greets Cal when he opens his eyes. He pats BD's head as the droid climbs to his back. His friend always questions how he is after meditation.
He scared his friend a lot, early on their friendship. When Cal was still grappling with all the death, some of them very painful. That is not to say death doesn't affect Cal at all. But he can handle it better.
Cal looks down on the glowing circle. Usually, he awakens the last place he meditated. Unless of course he triggers a shatterpoint, and the Force tells him no can do. No taking back that one.
It would really suck if there was a shatterpoint down there waiting for him. He would still manage, of course, he always does. As long as he can die, he'll find a way out.
Okay, that didn't sound great.
But, the Force could make his life easier for once.
Now that the rewind point is set, Cal sits back in the pilot seat. Time to start the party.
No need to crash the party though. Landing on Mustafar is not something anyone can do, but Cal has already prepared the quite useful codes the Grand Inquisitor's ship revealed. The man has obviously not paid attention back in the day because he doesn't seem to know about Cal's psychometry. How many ginger kids can be in one Jedi Temple?
As his stolen ship approaches the atmosphere, what sounds like a clone questions Cal's reason of visit. The voice older than Cal has ever heard it, but he would recognize it anywhere. It sends a pang of longing through him.
BD wordlessly transmits the required landing codes, and though the trooper seems surprised about the Grand Inquisitor's visit, he lets the shuttle through.
As they close in on the fortress, the oppressive presence of the planet intensities. The tall castle is shrouded in the Dark Side to the point Cal cannot even feel Vader's presence in there. He hopes the Sith is here, it would be rather embarrassing if he wasn't. He'll just play catch the lightsaber with the troops if he has to wait.
The shuttle lowers into the hangar of Fortress Vader, and Cal hastily throws on a dark cloak, hiding both his hair and BD-1.
Of course, he is greeted by a squad of purge troopers, one of them being the clone who allowed his entrance. They immediately raise their rifles when they see Cal step down from the ramp.
Cal sighs.
"Really, there's no need for that." A heavy weight settles on the troopers. A threat, nothing more.
The troopers freeze, familiar with the Force, but they do not lower their weapons.
"Identify yourself!" The clone trooper barks at Cal, snapping out of his stupor. "Where is the Grand Inquisitor?"
Cal smiles under his hood.
"He is busy. I am here in his stead, to report important intel to Lord Vader."
The purge troopers look at each other, unsure. But the clone glowers from behind his helmet.
"You are not an Inquisitor. Once again, identify yourself!" Cal has to give it to him, the clones are the still good at their job, even if it's for the damned Empire.
Cal slowly steps toward the clone trooper. He doesn't back away.
"As far as you know, I'm not. It is fact in my job description to be discreet." The natborn troopers have fully lowered their weapons at this point. They're too easy, really.
Cal stops in front of the clone now. He can feel the doubt now. He smiles at the man, and pushes the rifle down with a finger.
"I'm going in to see Lord Vader, do you think any sane enemy is willing to do that?" The clone's mind is fairly well shielded, but Cal feels as the man recalls just how not sane Jedi were during the war.
Which is, you know, fair. But Cal doesn't have time for one too competent man.
"You are going to lead me to Lord Vader." His mind is strong, but he is used to following orders, and Cal is stronger.
"Yes sir, apologies for the delay."
And isn't it nostalgic to be called 'sir' by a clone again. Cal looks at the other purge troopers.
"Go do your jobs." They obediently run off without any prompting from the Force.
The clone trooper leads him deeper into the fortress, and Cal follows him with the same easygoing smile. Look at that, he'll be a spy yet.
BD lets out a quiet trill, and Cal wraps the Force around him, even though he knows the droid can't feel it.
Though from the outside, the fortress is similar to the one on Nur, it has a very different feeling to it in the inside. The architecture isn't strictly Imperial, and no durasteel in sight. Which is most certainly a smart decision in this heat.
The halls certainly seem more ancient, with the high ceilings and the stone walls. Despite his better sense, Cal brushes a hand over the dark obsidian.
"Are you satisfied with the planet Lord Vader?" The Emperor's voice held a mocking tone.
"Yes, Master." Vader pauses. "The fortress is in progress. Built upon Kenobi's betrayal and a Dark Side vergence, it will be a conduit for the Force."
Kenobi! The High General of the Republic. He's connected to Vader somehow, and Cal intends to question him about it.
Though, Cal felt Vader was withholding something during the conversation, but the Emperor either didn't notice or didn't care. The man didn't seem to be particularly concerned with Vader in fact.
Cal's guide didn't notice his brief pause, dutifully keeping the pace towards some kind of throne room. As they near the grand doors, Cal sees him. Standing in the middle stood Vader, arms crossed and with his back to them, currently examining a battle hologram.
The Sith doesn't bother to turn around.
"Cal Kestis. I do not remember inviting you." The clone trooper pauses, glancing between Cal and his boss. Vader turns his helmet towards him. "You can leave."
"Yes sir!"
There's a brief pause, charged with anticipation.
"I invited myself. As I usually do." Cal lowers his hood, not a trace of his previous humor found on his face.
"Indeed. With the Grand Inquisitor's codes." Vader shifts his stance. He's probably wondering if the man is dead. "You seem to have talent for letting yourself into places you do not belong."
Cal just stares at the expressionless helmet.
"Silence is not your usual tactic, Jedi." Vader uncrosses his arms, and Cal tenses. "Let me ask you this then. Have you come to accept my proposition?"
Ah, the apprenticeship. Cal almost snorts, but he supposes from Vader's perspective, why else would he be here. No one is crazy enough to invade Vader's fortress to fight him.
"I came for answers."
"I can teach you anything you want-"
"No. I already had a Master, and you killed her." Cal grinds his teeth, and shakes his head.
"You'll have to be more specific, Jedi, I have killed a lot of masters." It takes a moment, but Cal realizes that Vader might actually be joking. He stares at the Sith bewildered, maybe he just actually forgot.
"Do not play with me. Cere Junda. The Archives." Cal glares at Vader, but the man shows no reaction to the name.
"Ah, yes. She certainly fought hard for her little pet project."
"Do not belittle her Vader. We both know you walked away limping." At this Vader actually tenses, no longer relaxed and the helmet's black lenses bore into Cal's own frigid gaze.
"You were not there." He takes a step towards Cal. "A psychometrist."
Despite his reputation as a brute, Vader is quick as a whip.
Cal frowns. For a brief second, there was what felt like recognition.
"Have we met before?" Cal feels the pressure intensify around Vader, but Cal stands his ground. "Do not pretend, Lord Vader, I felt it last time as well."
The Sith hisses through his vocoder.
"What you felt was merely what you wanted to feel, Cal Kestis."
"Do not think you can keep secrets from a psychometrist, Vader!" Cal steps forward in anger, BD anxiously pressing against his back. "I know about General Kenobi's so-called betrayal."
The Force slams against Cal with full force. And Cal knows better than call on anything other than the Dark Side in a place like this. He grabs at the natural energy of this place and wrestles into submission, wrapping it around himself in a shield.
There is a green shimmer around Cal and he stays in place.
They both breathe for a moment, in the silence of the grand room. Cal gets the impression Vader would narrow his eyes suspiciously if his face were visible.
"You are proficient with the Dark Side. Someone trained you." His saber is in his hand now.
"It was no Sith, worry not." Cal almost spits. "And no fallen Jedi either." But he doesn't elaborate further.
"You have potential, with Sith teachings-"
"I don't care about the Sith! Do not change the subject." Cal wishes he could throw a rock at the man. Truly stubborn. "I didn't come here for that. I am here because you were Jedi, and you are going to tell me what happened to my Order. Our Order."
Vader's voice is ice-cold, barely contained rage underneath it.
"And just how are you going to enforce that, Padawan." He turns on his saber, red light blending in with the orange glow of the lava coming from outside. "Despite your talent for escaping me, you have yet to defeat me."
Cal scoffs, unclipping his saber and throwing the cloak aside.
"Knight actually. And there's a first time for everything." Or a hundredth time.
Cal knows Vader's fighting style. It's strong and heavy, hitting like a juggernaut, and unyielding against any power. Jar'Kai is quick enough to outpace him, but it doesn't give a long enough opening and cannot do enough damage.
Instead, Cal has found that the crossguard is the best against Vader. The stance is best for dueling after all, and tough enough to withstand Vader's blows. Cal just needs a single chance, to strike his own heavy hit.
But Vader is fast, despite the armor. The Dark Side wraps around him, aiding his movements, and whispering in his ear, Cal can hear it. And Cal admits, in terms of Force ability, Vader outpaces him by parsecs, especially in a place heavy with the Force like this.
However, Cal has a few tricks on his own, and he long learned how take on enemies stronger than him. He just requires a brief touch.
It should be doable. Keyword is should.
Lightsabers clash, and Cal keeps up, barely. Then Vader send him flying with violent Force push, almost dislocating Cal's shoulder. Cal recovers just in time to catch the incoming blade in the right angle. There.
Cal grabs Vader's saber hilt.
"Where is Padmé? Is she alright?"
"It seems like in your anger, you killed her."
Pain, burning pain, grief, and fury. Why her, it was all for her! Our family!
Vader freezes. Padmé stands before him. In her beautiful summer dress, hair barely done up.
She frowns at him softly.
"This? You have done this for me?" Her voice is full of pain. "I never wanted this."
"Padmé..." Darth Vader barely breathes her name out.
It's merely a few seconds, but it's enough for Cal. His saber strikes Vader's helmet, slicing its front, exposing a horribly burn scarred face and yellow eyes full of hate.
Vader roars in fury, half human, half vocoder, but before he strikes back, Cal reaches for the exposed skin.
Now, the thing about telepathy through the Force, is that most Force sensitives are not able to do it. Of course, there's always people who have the talent for it. But the majority of Jedi can only send a few words to another, or a mind trick on the weak willed. Having a bond helps, but that's mostly for emotional connections.
True mind control, and mind reading, those the Jedi would consider Dark.
And while Cal is skilled at twisting the minds of even the most resistant warriors, there is no way he would be able to overpower Darth Vader’s.
However, when using psychometry on living beings, it works a little differently. Since the psychometrist reads the echoes of the person's whole being, not just the mind, and it isn't true telepathy. There is no way to repel it, to make it stop, except breaking physical contact.
This technique is referred to as Drain Knowledge.
It is a risky thing, and its use is very discouraged by the Jedi Order. Not only because ripping out memories and knowledge in this manner is practically considered a Dark Side technique, but also because it is far too easy to lose yourself to it.
But Cal knows that better than anyone, and he won't let it happen this time. Not when this is his only chance.
So with his hand gripping into Vader's head, memories flash into Cal's mind. Many of the same woman he saw in the echo on Vader's saber.
She was family. And she was pregnant. But he killed her, killed them both. The Master told him.
And then a mother, kind and strong. She was butchered and the Jedi did nothing, didn't even let him save her.
Kenobi, he was the Jedi Master. He thought they were family. And yet, he never truly stood by him.
Little Snips, just a child in a war zone. His Padawan, his responsibility. Who left him because of the Order's mistakes.
Rex, made for him and always by his side. One he could trust with anything. He must be dead, dead to the Jedi like all the others.
He was supposed to protect them, to give anything for them. But now they're dead, or betrayed him. He has no family anymore, just a Master to serve, and nothing to truly live for. Not the Empire, not himself, and certainly not his Master.
Cal snaps out of the visions as Vader blasts him into a pillar, BD frantically beeping at him to get up. He takes a stim, jabs it in his shoulder. He springs up right as Vader reaches him again, slamming Cal back against the stone in a Force choke.
"How dare you use her image-"
"Me?! How dare you, Anakin Skywalker!" Cal wrenches the Force away from his neck and kicks Vader in the chest.
Cal lands in a crouch and hisses at Vader.
"You prattle about betrayal, yet you stabbed your family in the back your very self."
Vader's yellows eyes are wide with fury.
"They were not my family."
Cal spits some blood out. He bit his tongue.
"Sure, let's pretend that everything is the Order's fault like you think it is." Cal had his answers, if only it didn't hurt so fucking much. "But what about your men?! Were they not your family?"
Vader pauses, breath ragged.
"They are of no consequence."
"They were to me!" Cal clenches his eyes tightly. His head hurts. "Even if the Order did you wrong, the clones were nothing but good to us. And you turned them into slaves!"
Cal's words are accusatory. They both know what happened on Tatooine. Where Vader came from.
"They were a sacrifice I had to make. For Padmé." Beyond all that hatred, a deep feeling of grief radiates from Vader. Cal dragged it all up again.
"Look at all the good it did you." Cal laugh humorlessly. "Now you are nothing but a slave again."
"Do not call me that! I am a Sith, the Supreme Commander of-"
"Then kill that bastard already! Do not tell me you're still blinded by his manipulations."
Vader makes a disgusted noise.
"And just what would be the point of that? Take the throne for myself? I have no wish to rule this cursed galaxy."
Cal is silent for a moment. He feels like he wants to cry, or throw up.
"I see." Cal answers blankly. He scoffs and shakes his head. "You don't even care about your own life, let alone anything or anyone else."
Vader's silence is confirmation. When he next speaks, Cal's voice softens against his will.
"Don't you see what he has made you into?" Cal feels Vader's fury rising at the perceived pity.
"I am nothing but what I made myself into!"
There's a pause, the world holding its breath, and Cal feels Vader's fury solidify into something. Something cold and uncaring. Cal takes a step back and lifts his lightsaber.
"I can see now that you are stubborn like he was. You will not join me." Vader ignites his saber. "You will not escape again. Not with all you have learned here."
Cal chuckles, dropping into his crossguard stance.
"Oh, I am very stubborn. But you will never find out just how much." Vader can kill Cal all he wants, he'll always come back. And he always remembers.
Vader fights with a ferocity Cal hasn't experienced before. Before, he was a storm contained. Now the storm has been unleashed, and while Cal is a good duelist, he has no chance against the pure power Vader is in the Force.
Cal tries to call on the Dark Side again, but Vader just wrenches it from his control. Instead of bolstering Cal, it grasps at him, pain locking his body in place. He bites back a scream as the Force feels like it's burning his skin off.
Vader stares down at him, one toxic yellow eye visible. It's filled with cold hatred, but Cal can still feel the pain he inflicted by digging up old memories.
Cal stares back defiantly as Vader holds his red saber to his neck.
"This isn't over, Anakin." Cal is calm, despite BD's frantic beeping.
Death, yet the Force.
Vader sneers at him.
"There isn't anything more final than death, Cal Kestis."
Cal smiles.
Then he wakes up. An inquisitive beep greets him. And Cal just breathes for a moment. Then he leans forward, burying his face in his hands.
Just like he once grieved the Jedi who lost their lives, he grieves the clones, who lost their very self to the Empire. The ones who died on a crashing ship above Bracca, the ones who were Cal's only family for three years, and then were forced to shoot his Master in the back.
He collects himself to assure BD he is fine. Isn't closure what he wanted?
With a last look at Mustafar, Cal inputs the coordinates to Segra Milo. As he does, he realizes, the Force had been strangely silent during that whole meeting. He feels like there should have been a shatterpoint there. Did his actions matter so little today?
Cal returns the shuttle to the Partisans. Saw sends him a questioning look on his way to his room. Cal debates telling him about Anakin Skywalker, but isn't sure what use that would be to Saw. Or what he would do with that information.
He pretends everything is okay. And it will be okay. After he cried in Merrin's embrace. After he meditates on every single clone he knew, and killed.
Cal, unlike Vader, never gives up.
Weeks go on. Cal goes back to Tanalorr to reconvene with his people. Greez makes him his favorite. Zee chatters on about a text he got her. Kata shows him the new fish she caught. He dearly loves them all, but there is a restlessness lurking under his skin.
He's possibly the only person to know what truly happened with the Order and Vader. It feels like he's holding a ticking time bomb. Which is entirely unreasonable. Vader doesn't know that Cal knows, the Emperor doesn't know either. They can’t come after him for having this knowledge.
But still, the Force holds its breath, like this information is a weapon Cal isn't supposed to have.
The war goes on despite everything. There are whispers of an organized Rebellion, unaffiliated with the Partisans or the Hidden Path. More and more people dare to stand up against the Empire. But Cal and Saw are both tense. It feels like the galaxy is just on the edge of something.
It's strange to not be the only one fighting against the Empire.
As Cal steps into the muddy ground of Kashyyyk, he remembers the first time he met Saw here, right after crashing an AT-AT. He glances at Saw behind him, and from the quirk of the man's lips, Cal knows he is thinking of the same moment. A great beginning for a great partnership.
Cal breathes in the earthy Kashyyyk air, and he admits he missed the planet. Maybe not those damn slugs. But Kashyyyk has always been a symbol of rebellion for him and many other people.
It has been at least five years since he was here, last time being right before the whole… Tanalorr events. And both Tarfful and Mari greet him accordingly, with a crushing wookie hug that could count as an attack, and a slap on the back accompanied by teasing over his beard and hair.
They are quick to turn to business after that. They are here to meet a man Saw has worked with before, but never met face to face. He wants Cal to vet him.
Eventually the agent the joins them. A human man, introducing himself as Luthen Rael. He shakes Cal's hand, and Cal takes the opportunity to slip inside his mind for a mere second. No need for anything more serious.
Real name Lear. An ex Imperial trooper, determined to build a rebellion by any means necessary. Willing to give up all of himself for the goal. Cal can relate.
As Saw and Rael discuss the next steps, the man keeps looking at Cal, gaze jumping from the lightsaber on his belt, to the Jedi Order's symbol on his armor. Cal is sure the topic will be breached soon, but until then he is fine with letting Saw deal with the talking, while Cal sifts through the echoes he got from the man.
Rael seems legit, even if his methods are questionable, and dead useful, with all the connections he has, from weapons manufacturers to Mon Mothma herself. Cal taps a pattern on his saber to let Saw know to keep the man around at least.
But before Saw can acknowledge Cal's signal, a great cold washes over Cal. Like a black hole just suddenly spawned next to Kashyyyk.
Or a powerful Sith just entered orbit.
Cal barks out the evacuation orders, Saw and Tarfful immediately trusting his words and following on with them, with even the stoic Rael paling at the startling news that Darth Vader is here.
Cal hisses through his teeth as scenarios flash by in his head. How could the Sith have possibly known to come here? Every single Partisan agent is vetted by Cal himself, and with Rael's own allegiance standing strongly against the Empire, it leaves a single variable.
Cal himself.
He doesn't know how Vader did it, or even why. Perhaps it was the cruel will of the Force. But Cal knows the man will slaughter every person present to get to his prey.
It's fine. He knows it's not Saw's time yet. The Force still needs him. And Cal will buy him the time to leave. Now he just needs to get out of this alive as well. Once more, he can do this.
Cal kneels to the ground, burning the glowing runes into the ground. He stands up as the Imperial ship lands not too far from him.
He had fought Vader many times before, it won't be different.
But it quickly becomes apparent that Cal is deluding himself, because for the first time, Vader doesn't start the fight. He just stands there, under the shadows of Kashyyyk's great trees, not even ordering his people to pursue the escaping rebels.
Cal purses his lips, worried about this sudden change of behavior.
"How did you find me here, Vader?" Let's start with the obvious one. Vader should have had no way to track him here.
Vader is silent for a moment, still staring at Cal, measuring him up. Then he speaks, and Cal feels a flash of not the usual fury, but puzzlement.
"Tell me this instead, Cal Kestis, why was I able to feel your presence from across the Galaxy?"
Cal pales.
He reaches inwards, uncaring of the Sith in front of him.
Usually, his mind is a tidy place. All the memories and feelings he acquired neatly organized. But there is a single messy corner, filled with memories of pain. Memories from Vader. And in the middle, hidden, is a thin bond connecting Cal to Darth Vader.
Cal grits his teeth. He wasn't in hurry to examine and sift through all the painful echoes he got from Anakin Skywalker. He tried once, but quickly lost his will to do so when the memory of the Temple massacre assaulted him. It seems that was his mistake.
He looks back at Vader stoically, but doesn't volunteer an answer. Just what excuse he has? It was the will of the Force?
Cal feels Vader's anger spike now.
"Jedi, what have you done?" He strides towards Cal, like he wants to strangle him with his bare hands. Cal resists the urge to step back.
The man stops a mere feet away from Cal, looming over him, and the aggressive mechanical breathing grating on Cal's ears. Vader clenches and unclenches his fist, metal armor creaking with it.
Unbidden, a memory from Cal's childhood comes to his mind.
Anakin Skywalker doing the very same thing, standing behind Obi-Wan Kenobi, a sort of helpless frustration on his face.
Unfortunately, Vader seems to catch an impression of the same memory. He freezes, and Cal feels a brief flash of panic, then rolling waves of fury.
"How could you know such a thing?" It's less of a question and more of demand, accompanied by the pressure of the Force.
Cal swallows down his own panic, and juts his chin out with a sneer.
"I do not owe you any answers." The disgusted tone is not lost on Vader.
"You will give them to me." Cal opens his mouth to rebuke, but Vader strikes like a snake and grasps him under the jaw, cold fingers digging into Cal's jugular.
Now, Cal knows he has good shields. A strong mind and even stronger control is required for him to truly make use of his psychometry. And even past his shields, there are traps, made of green flames to burn away even the strongest invaders.
But Vader bypasses it all. He follows the line of their fragile bond, a sharp, clawed hand gripping into Cal's mind.
Cal gasps, eyes glowing white, as they both get dragged into the memories of Anakin Skywalker.
Vader watches on with confused anger, grief growing, as images of his lost people play out.
Cal tries to wrench away. But all he manages is landing in his own memory of Mustafar. Of confronting Vader and dying to his blade yet again.
This gives Vader a full pause, and Cal manages to rip himself away from Vader's grip, both mind and physical.
Cal lands on the muddy ground hard. He stares up at Vader in horror. BD beeps threateningly behind him, brandishing an electro dart at Vader.
But Vader just stands there like a statue for a long moment, which gives enough time for Cal to spring up and raise his saber at the Sith.
The man slowly looks at Cal.
"What are you?" He's sure he would feel some kind of bewilderment from Vader if Cal didn't tighten his shields to a painful degree, cutting off all of his bonds.
"Never had a vision before, Lord Vader?" Just deflect, be blasé about it.
Vader growls.
"We both know that is not what a vision is like. You couldn't have acquired all those memories through a vision." The man starts pacing, silent, but then stops. "You died. I felt it as well."
He's waiting for an explanation. But Cal doesn't have one.
"Look, Anakin." Vader actually flinches. "I simply cannot die, that's it. There's your answer to the burning question of how I've been escaping you all this time." Cal shrugs. He really doesn't want to get into this Vader. If he dies, he dies, he'll just simply shield better next time. And think up a better excuse.
Vader stares at him.
"You… turn back time?"
"I do not!" Cal protests, that makes him sound way too omnipotent. "The Force just, revives me." He trails off, unsure. That doesn't sound all that better. Spirits know many people have tried to reach immortality before.
Cal can read the incredulity from Vader's body language.
"So you do not know how."
"No, I don't, so please just get this fight over already." So I can die and retry, Cal adds only in his mind.
Though Cal raises his saber in an offensive position, Vader doesn't respond in turn. He seems to be thinking, arms crossed. After a moment, he seems to have decided something, nodding.
"Very well."
The fight is short. Vader moves with purpose, and Cal just wants to get this over with.
Then Vader grasps Cal's throat with the Force, lifting him up into the air. And Cal is about the wrench himself away, when Vader suddenly deactivates his saber, putting it on his belt. He then puts his hands on his nightmarish helmet and pulls it off.
In his shock, Cal forgets to free himself.
Anakin Skywalker's once handsome face, is now covered in old burns and skin whitened beyond recognition. His Sith yellow eyes stares into Cal's green ones, and for once there is no hate to be found in them.
"Remember Cal Kestis, I am your enemy."
Cal manages to choke out a 'what', before Vader closes in. Cal is released from his chokehold, but Vader grasps his wrist bringing his hand up to his scarred face.
He is confused enough to let it happen. But when Cal's bare skin touches Vader's face, pain explodes in him as an overwhelming Force energy crushes his very being.
Force transfer. That's what Vader was doing.
And it's nothing like what Cal has experienced before. At occasion, Merrin has helped him out, when he was too weak to heal himself. She mixed her life force in his, and it was like a gentle burn, revitalizing him.
This, is nothing like that. Vader is like lava pouring into his veins, burning off his skin and bones. Up close, the Sith's Force presence feels like a moon looming over Cal, and he wonders just how powerful Vader truly is.
Then something breaks. It echoes through the Force, and before Cal is fully burned up from the pure energy that was thrust upon him, he sees Vader's face.
Surely he's mistaken, but Cal sees a glimmer of hope in those Sith eyes.
Then once again, Cal Kestis dies.