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“It hurts.”
Of course it did.
Lilith fought off the urge to scold herself for the admission. Fought off the thought it doesn’t hurt as much as dying . She thought it anyway. It was true. It was true and she shouldn’t react so strongly to something that wasn’t even remotely as painful, but she did.
She did because it hurt .
“I know, Lily, I know.” Camila held her gently in her arms, rocking back and forth like a song. Like a safety net. “I know.”
She didn’t. She really didn’t. Probably, Lilith hoped. Her words weren’t comforting, they didn’t help. Because if they were true, and Camila did know the pain she was in, it only made it worse. She didn’t want to think of Camila dealing with what she was dealing with. She didn’t.
She shook her head weakly and tried to voice this thought. This pain.
“Don’t speak,” she was told before she could even let out a single breath. “Save your strength.”
She listened, because what else was there to do?
Lilith laid in Camila’s arms for God knows how long and tried to recall what happened. She didn’t know. She didn’t understand what was going on. She didn’t even know how Camila was there , she wasn’t supposed to be. It was only supposed to be her , just her.
Just her there to fix her wrong doings. To help in the only way she knew how. But then—then Camila showed up, and she looked at her like she was what she was searching for, like she was the reason . And it all went to shit from there.
Because it was supposed to be just her, and she was supposed to handle the possessed herself. She was supposed to fix the problem, she was trying to help. The holy war was her own fault, after all. If she hadn’t decided that the years of trust and familial bond between her and her Sisters didn’t matter, everything going on wouldn’t be. If she hadn’t fallen for Adriel’s trickery— none of this would be happening .
But she did. And now she was suffering for it.
Dying, most likely, in the arms of the one person she believed she didn't even deserve to be around anymore.
And Camila was crying, she was sobbing and rocking back and forth like it was the only thing she could do at the moment. Holding Lilith to her chest like Lilith was what was keeping her breathing. Her tears fell heavily onto Lilith’s bloodied face, mixing in with the grime and crimson.
“I’m sorry,” she croaked. Her vocal cords were probably shattered. She’d taken a few heavy hits of otherworldly weapons to the throat. Among other places, but.
“ Don’t speak ,” Camila hissed, like hearing her voice hurt. “Please, just… just hold on.”
She was. Oh, she was . She was holding on by a fine thread, pulled taut and ready to snap, ready to let her fall to her doom.
Would she die?
She couldn’t help the thought, so intruding.
It wasn’t like she didn’t want to. But, then again, she didn’t. Not here, not like this.
But she would, probably. She would, Lilith would. It would be no surprise but… but what if she didn’t? When it was all over, if she survived, what would be left of her?
What would she be?
She could ask Camila - no it would be too much to ask. She couldn’t . She couldn’t do that to her, not after everything, but...
“Lilith.. It’s gonna be okay, I promise.” She heard, and she couldn’t find it in herself to not fall into the comfort that was Camila.
“Camila..” Was all she could let out before the world went dark, and her mind went with it.
All she could think was peaceful . She embraced it.
—
Waking up, her head felt like it was being split open and her brain played with. Pushed here, pushed there. It hurt. Not as much as dying did, but it hurt.
Opening her eyes was a different story. The only thing she could see was a blinding light, and oh, was that the last thing she wanted. For the gates of Heaven to come into view, and her demonic state to be gazed upon in disgust by God Himself. She wouldn’t be able to handle it. But, then the lights cut off, and what she was seeing was a ceiling instead.
Relief washed over her, whether she accepted it or not. Why would she not want to see Him? Her purpose, her Lord? It didn’t make sense—
“Lilith?” Came a quiet whisper that pushed her thoughts away.
Lilith tried her best to turn her head toward the sound of the voice but a flare of pain shot up and down her entire being just at the attempt. She hissed, and in an instant, there were hands on her. Soft, gentle hands.
“Don’t move,” another voice instructed, “you’ve taken quite a bit of damage.”
And though it was most obvious, with the beeping in her ear and wires and tubes she felt connected to her, she asked, “where am I?” regardless.
“My estate.” The voice said.
It didn’t take Lilith more than a few seconds to come to the conclusion that she was speaking to Doctor Salvius.
Of course she was.
She tried to push away the nausea she felt at hearing the woman's voice, because—because of what she did. What she realised months after having done it.
She closed her eyes again with a wince. Though the lights had been cut off, having her eyes open was still a hassle. They felt heavy and swollen, like she’d been crying. Maybe she had been.
“Lilith,” the gentle voice from before called again, and Lilith ached to turn and to look. To let her eyes wander.
“Camila.” She breathed out shakily. Yet, even though she was endlessly happy that Camila was by her side, she also felt that she didn’t deserve it. She felt that Camila shouldn’t be with her, because look at what happened before. She didn’t want to corrupt her, the only good thing on the damned planet.
The hand on her arm squeezed the tiniest bit. The heart monitor beside her sped up.
It wasn’t the pain, as much as Lilith wished it was, that caused her heartbeat to quicken.
She wished the beeping would stop.
And as if Doctor Salvius could sense her mental pleading for an out, she spoke up. “Camila, could you step out for a moment so that I can assist Lilith?” She was grateful, sick, and confused.
Yet, “with?” is what Camila replied with. Eager. Eager for what? Why? “I could do it,”
No .
Please.
“I… it’s something—”
“ I could do it .” Camila insisted a bit aggressively. “Whatever it is, tell me.”
A sigh fell from Jillian's lips, and she shuffled around wherever she was. “Well. Painkillers, you know where they are I’m sure. And her dressings need changing its been… well.” The older woman said, and Lilith can sense the hesitation in her voice. She tried , she thought, oh well . You don’t deserve it anyway. “Don’t move her too much, so that her stitches don’t dislodge.”
Stitches?
What?
Movement on Liliths right left her disoriented. And to her left, she heard the clicking of shoes against the floor, and a tentative exhale. Then, a door closed.
Not even a second later, she felt it before she heard it. The wetness of tears falling onto her arm. Fighting against everything in her body that told her not to move, to rest, she turned just enough to look at Camila, finally .
Though, what she saw was not something she ever wanted to see in her life. A broken expression, tear streaks down usually filled cheeks, and pale skin. Camila looked stricken. Why, why, why—all she could do was question it, all she could do was ask, why?
“Lilith,” Camila sobbed and it hurt. It hurt . She found herself saying that often. She found that she kept on getting hurt .
“Camila—I—”
Camila shook her head, didn't let her finish whatever it was that she was going to say. She didn’t know what she was going to say.
“What happened?” She asked, “what happened to you? Why—why did you go?”
Wasn’t that the question. Why did she? Why—
“Why did you leave?” It was a broken mutter filled with anger and hurt and something else.
She didn’t know.
Lilith didn’t have an answer for her.
“Why did you run ?”
That startled her. She didn’t expect it, such a cruel tone of voice from the woman, directed at her no less. But, at the same time, she did. She anticipated it and she welcomed it because it was better for Camila to be mad at her than see what she did to her. To see how she affected her.
Yet , “I didn’t run.”
Lilith could sense how bad of a response that was the second the words left her mouth. The way that the air plunged into a thickness that threatened to suffocate her. The way that Camila gripped her arm a little harder, seething.
“You did! You ran, and ran for—how long has it been?” She stopped, then she shook her head and more tears fell, “why is this the first time I’m seeing you— truly seeing you in over a year if you didn’t run? First time I’m talking to you in over a year if you didn’t run? I tried to find you, to get you. To—to—” She stumbled over her words and grit her teeth, “ I saw you ,”
She didn’t.
God, please, she didn’t.
“And before you deny it, yes. Yes I did. I saw you, I tried to—to get to you. To talk to you. See what the f- fuck your problem was that you ran everytime I came to whatever country you decided to hide away in! I saw you in Russia. I found your little hideout. And what did you do?”
Her throat hurt, her body was shaking, and she knew that whatever she said, it would result in one thing only. “What? What did I do Camila?”
“ You ran .” Camila spat. And even though it was so clear that she was angry at Lilith, she never let her arm go. She never stopped holding it close to her. It confused Lilith, why didn’t she push her away?
Push me away ,
“I—I didn’t.” Lilith choked out. A lie . A clear and blatant lie, because she saw Camila, too. She saw her there, she found her in her shitty apartment she barely managed to get and she fled. Used some of the last bit of her power to teleport as far away as she could.
“Don’t lie to me. Please, just stop.”
Why, God, why did it have to be her. “I’m not. I’m not lying.” She was.
She was, she was, she was .
“I know you are.” Camila cried, but then her tears meant something else. Her anger flared and she was spitting her words with venom. “I can’t say I’m surprised that you did.”
What?
“All you do is run, run away from everything.” What. “From your problems all the way to my f- fucking help. I was trying to help. Why, Lily, why?”
All the questions. All of the ‘why’s, it began to pester her. It began to eat at her conscience because she didn’t know . She just didn’t.
“Why did you run away from me?”
Crying. She was crying, she realised after a moment. She was sobbing, and her body shaking was because of the way the noises forced themselves out of her. She couldn’t help it, despite her... reservations about pointless things such as crying. It wouldn’t do anything. Nothing would be changed. But she was crying. She couldn’t stop.
“It wasn’t you ,” she said. Her chest hurt and she couldn’t breathe. It felt as if she were being crushed with an endless weight. She couldn’t pull enough air into her lungs. “It was never you.”
Camila shook her head in disbelief. “What was it then? If it wasn’t me, then what was it?”
She didn’t lie. She didn’t lie to Camila because her reasoning for leaving wasn’t her, that was the truth . She so desperately wanted to stay, to figure out what was going on with her, with Camila. She wanted—no, she needed her support and her gentle encouragement, but the thought… It scared her. Because when she thought of Camila, it was nothing platonic. It never was, and that was a battle she’d fought within herself for her whole life. A battle she lost , time and time again.
The way she thought of women. The way she thought of Camila.
Her inability to accept herself. She knew, setting everything she’d ever been taught and instead following hard logic that the way she thought of Camila wasn’t wrong. She knew. But she chose to ignore it in fear of what would happen if Camila didn’t think or feel the same.
So. She didn’t lie. But-
“I can’t answer that,”
Camila looked enraged. It was understandable. Lilith thought that if she kept up the way she was going, Camila would leave and it would be fine. Camila would realise that Lilith wasn’t worth it and just go. Go live her life without her darkness threatening to poison her. “ Why ?” Camila spat out.
Lilith squeezed her eyes shut and turned away from her, “I just can’t.”
Camila fell silent, and that was single handedly the most frightening thing to Lilith.
Slowly, Lilith's aching wounds became afterthoughts as the silence bled on and it terrified her further. It made her mind fog and the only thing she focused on— could focus on was Camila. Her breathing, the hiccups and sobs. She listened and waited, impatiently, eagerly, for her to say something. Anything.
It reminded her of when she came back from the other side somehow. The way Camila watched over her, offered her sweet nettle tea. Yet, this time it was different. So much different, and so much worse. Now Camila was watching over her, her usually warm gaze clouded over with anger and hurt. The noises she made, playing her little piano game on her tablet, were instead her heartbreaking cries. Her offer; hurtful words.
And to top it all off, to make matters that much worse, she killed Jillian's son, and she was helping her as well. Lilith didn’t know if the woman knew it was her, all she knew was that she wished she did so that she could be angry at her too and throw her out. She didn’t deserve the help. She should have just succumbed to her wounds when she got them.
But no.
“Is it because I love you?”
Lilith suffered whiplash turning back to face Camila. Her whole body buzzed , confusion and disbelief, just pure delirium and—and— what .
“What?”
“Did you leave because you figured it out? Is that it?”
What ?
“I’m not sorry for it. I’m not.” Camila kept on. “I can’t be.”
Lilith's heart hammered against her ribcage as Camila's words hung heavy in the air. Heavy against her chest. She hadn't expected it. She hadn't anticipated Camila's confession, raw and unfiltered, breaking through the silence that had enveloped them.
"I—I didn't know," Lilith stammered while her mind raced to comprehend the magnitude of what Camila had just revealed. The weight of her confession fell down on Lilith like a weighted blanket, suffocating and overwhelming her every sense in a way she couldn’t understand. She couldn’t believe what she just heard.
Camila's eyes, red and swollen from tears, bore into Lilith's, into her soul , searching. Always searching. But Lilith didn’t know what she was searching for and couldn't find the words. Couldn't articulate the whirlwind of emotions that writhed within her.
"I—I don't know what to say," Lilith whispered, her voice barely above a breath, eyes burning. "I never meant to hurt you, Camila. I never wanted... this."
Tears welled in Lilith's eyes all over again, mirroring the expression on Camila's face. The air between them thickened with unresolved tension, fraught with unspoken words and uncharted territory. Soon to be charted, it seemed, and Lilith didn’t know if she was ready for it. Didn’t know if she wasn’t either.
"I love you," Camila repeated. Her voice trembled, vulnerable yet determined. "And I'm not sorry for it. But I need to know... I need to understand why you left. Why you ran away from me. From—from us , please."
Lilith's heart ached painfully with the weight of Camila’s words. Her question so simple yet complicated beyond belief underneath it all. Because how was Lilith to answer that ? The gravity of their history, of every single interaction passed between them and the memories loomed over Lilith. She longed to reach out, to grasp it in her hand finally and have it. Yet, she couldn’t. She couldn’t allow herself. Her fear held her captive. But… just the way that Camila looked at her, the way that she pleaded yet didn’t demand, waited silently, ready to listen to anything Lilith had to say had her fighting a battle with herself.
For so long, Lilith buried her feelings, locked them away in the deepest corner of her heart, fearful of the consequences of acknowledging them. But now- faced with Camila's honesty and sincerity- she couldn't deny the truth any more. She just couldn’t hold it in any longer. She didn’t want Camila to continue to look at her with that heartbroken expression, all because of her.
"I... I thought I was protecting you," Lilith confessed finally, her voice trembling with uncertainty and fear. So much fear. "I thought... I thought it was better this way. Safer."
Camila's brows furrowed in confusion, frustration. "Protecting me from what?"
Lilith struggled against the lump in her throat to get her words through, her memories of the darkness that overcame her protruding in her mind. Making it hard for her to see the light in anything. Memories she had long since sought out to bury away from her consciousness. Bury beneath all the layers of her guilt and regret.
"From myself," Lilith choked out, coughed from the way her throat protested. "From the darkness that consumes me. I didn't want to drag you down with me, Camila. I couldn't bear to see you suffer because of me."
“Well it happened anyway,” Camila said bitterly.
“I’m sorry,” it was all she could think of. It was the only thing she could say. Lilith knew how little the words might’ve meant but… She didn’t know what else to say or do. She wasn’t good at talking about her feelings or comforting people. She wasn’t good at communication. The much was obvious. She wasn’t good at anything, truth be told. She wasn’t even good enough to fucking notice that she was hurting Camila still while she was trying to protect her. “I’m sorry.”
“I wish I could say that it’s alright. I wish I could say that it’s fine and I’m fine, but it isn’t and I’m not.” Camila shook her head. Her eyes slipped closed for a moment and she sighed heavily, and Lilith could hear the exhaustion in her exhale. It made her chest hurt.
Stupidly, Lilith figured one thing could fix it all. Would fix it all. Make Camila feel better and smile her precious smile again, one that the sun fought to be just as bright as. “I love you.”
Camila’s eyes shot open and she looked shocked. “What?”
“I love you,” She said once again and used whatever strength she had inside her body to sit up. To face Camila and to wrap her arms around her body, to squeeze until the ache of her wounds came back. “I love you. I always have, Camila. I always have.”
Lilith could feel more than she could hear the way that Camila began to sob into her chest, felt how her hands curled into fists and she held onto her tighter. As if she’d slip away at any given moment. Lilith felt the same.
“I’m sorry I ran away before, instead of telling you how I felt. Feel . I was… I was afraid.”
The admission took everything in her. Every bit of mental strength she didn’t have, to say it.
“I was afraid of consequence, and my own irrational beliefs. Of… I was afraid that you wouldn’t see me as I saw— see , you. That you wouldn’t want me the way that I want you.” She went on, her body humming with nervous energy, and pain.
Her throat was sore and felt raw, each word she let out hurt, yet she didn’t want to stop. She couldn’t.
“I know now, with… not so recent discoveries, that it was stupid of me to run. I knew it, back then too. But I still went. And I’m sorry for it.”
Camila only sobbed into her chest harder.
“I thought you hated me.” She whispered, trying desperately not to begin sobbing all over again as well.
“I could never.”
Her efforts were in vain.
Suddenly she felt it, the way that Camila just was. The light in her darkness, her beacon to safety. Suddenly she remembered and realised why . Felt it deep in her chest, like a gentle urge for her ribs to step aside and make way for her heart. Felt it throb within her and hold her tightly.
Felt stupid for ever trying to avoid it.
“I love you so much,”