Chapter Text
As a child, Eun Chan had never understood what it meant to be a girl.
That’s not to say she necessarily rejected being one, but she didn’t understand the standards society had placed upon her shoulders. If she wanted to behave in a certain way, she simply would; no matter what the people around her think she should be doing.
Eun Chan’s first memories begin when she was in elementary school. She had never particularly favored either gender for anything. She enjoyed playing with her batmobile and accompanying Batman action figure as much as she liked playing with her Barbie dolls. She would play dress up in her parents closet with equal attention to both her mother and fathers clothing. At school, she didn’t think twice about who she befriended or played with. Eun Chan equally tormented the boys and girls in her class by showing off the squirming bugs that she found outside. Pinching them between her chubby fingers she would hold her prized discoveries out towards her classmates, watching boys and girls alike run away squealing.
Life was more simple during this time. She received fewer reprimands from her teachers when she did something unseemly back then. Adults would brush her oddness off easier with quick comments of, “That’s not how girls should behave, Eun Chan. You will understand more when you are older.” She would frown, poking her bottom lip out.
“Why?” She questioned.
The common response to this question was a pat on the head and short, “That’s just how things are.”
She hated this answer. “But why?”
Why, why, why.
It frustrated her beyond comprehension, and she tried desperately to get a real answer. She quickly learned that adults did not like to be questioned, especially about this. Their mouths would twist unhappily and their brows would wrinkle.
Little Eun Chan never received an answer to her question.
In later years, the pressure of expectation only grew. Starting middle school had been particularly rough. She was made to wear the girls uniform as was required by the school, though she wished to have the freedom of wearing pants one day and a skirt the next. Her father had attempted to argue with the administrators to allow Eun Chan to wear the boys uniform on certain days after he saw the look in her eyes at being told the skirt was mandated. They were absolutely refused.
“If we bend the rules for one we must bend them for everyone. Soon enough there would be no structure, no respect! Rules are made to be followed. The girls wear skirts and the boys, pants.” The principal was a crotchety looking woman with glasses that made her look like a bug. She peered down her nose at Eun Chan with distaste.
She scoffed at Eun Chan’s father. “That you even ask this for your child is shameful. To wear both uniforms? I could maybe fathom requesting to wear just the boys, but both? That is not how things are done. You need to teach her better.”
Eun Chan moved to speak, to ask the question that had remained at the forefront of her brain for years, but stopped when her father laid his hand on her shoulder. She didn’t look at him, for fear of what she may see on his face. Did he agree with what this woman had said?
Her parents hadn’t ever pushed her to behave a certain way, but she never knew if that was because they knew it would be a lost cause or if they truly did not mind. She hoped it was the latter; she didn’t want to find out if it wasn’t.
Life continued even though Eun Chan wished to return to her younger years. Her whole life, she never kept her hair one particular length or in a certain style. She would grow it out to shoulders, twisting it into little twin braids every day before cutting it close around her ears and barely remembering to brush it daily. She once went three years growing out her hair before stealing her fathers shaver and buzzing her head, and she kept her hair short for the next year before deciding it felt better to grow it out again. When she started middle school and no longer had the freedom of dressing how she felt on any particular day, she decided to keep her hair long like the girls around her did in hopes that her principal wouldn’t talk to her father again. The last thing Eun Chan wanted was for her father to tell her to act normal, so she took the initiative herself. She could handle pretending if it was her own decision, but it would break her to hear him encourage it.
She began to grow in areas she didn’t particularly like or dislike, but always felt this cloying anxiety towards. She had wanted to remain as she was, and the start of this change was unwelcome. With bodily changes came a giant question mark when she looked to the future. What would she look like? She had always been fairly androgynous, was she about to lose that? She had started to notice how her female classmates who developed faster were being treated differently by everyone. Eun Chan wasn’t afraid of just being treated differently as was normal for her already; what she was afraid of was how these girls were treated. The boys would ogle them, teachers would blame them for unwanted attention or touching, and even other girls whispered behind their hands while casting sly looks at their fellow classmates. Everyone stopped treating these girls like people, and began treating them like objects.
Eun Chan knew what sex was, knew why her and her classmates' bodies were changing, knew that it was supposed to be normal. Just because she knew this didn’t mean she liked it, in fact she resolutely feared it. She hated that she had no control over her body changing, over how other people would start treating her like a woman, how she could be looked at as an object for sex and nothing else.
Her fears about her body and how she was perceived by people around her won out over the fear of being admonished by her father. Eun Chan cut her hair short and styled it in a similar fashion to her male classmates. After doing so, she went to her father with tears in her eyes. She got on her knees and pressed her forehead to the ground in front of him, begging him to forgive her.
He pulled her into a tight hug and stayed silent while she cried.
“I should have made it clear to you a long time ago that I will love you no matter what. How you look and how you feel will not change that.” Eun Chan’s father wiped the tears off her face and patted her cheeks softly.
“This old man thought his silly child would know that, but it seems you needed to hear it out loud.” He smiled at Eun Chan as she huffed a watery laugh.
“Thank you.” She whispered.
He hummed and ruffled her hair, “I realized something was wrong and did not say anything sooner. For that, I am sorry.”
—
Eun Chan’s father had her transferred to another middle school for her last year. It added another 30 minutes to her walk, but it was worth it for the choice of wearing pants or a skirt for her uniform. In addition the girls and boys uniforms were identical. On her first day, Eun Chan chose to wear her slacks and got mistaken for a boy by everyone who spoke to her. She started correcting people instinctively at first before she realized she had gotten exactly what she wanted. No boys looked at her chest that was still relatively flat, no girls were eyeing her viciously while trying to figure out where she fit in the social ladder. A weight lifted off of her shoulders as she breathed easier than she had in the past two years.
When she returned home, her mother commented on how happy she seemed now. Her father gave her a hug and reminded her she could also wear the skirt part of the uniform whenever she wished, and this is when she faltered. Her old principals' words still stuck with her. Both? Could she still be as carefree as she had been as a child, flitting between male and female things without a thought?
Her father had told her he would love her no matter how she felt, but maybe how she felt didn’t matter. Things were easier for everyone if she just chose one or the other. So she did.
“I’m a boy.” Eun Chan blurted. Shit.
Her parents both froze, just for a second.
Then the moment passed, and her parents quietly paused what they had been doing. Her mother set down the jar of kimchi she had been emptying over rice on the stove, and her father set down the 4 spoons he had been about to set the table with.
She felt a hand on her shoulder, and this time it felt completely different than when she had been faced with her old principal. Another hand rested on her other shoulder. Her mother and father gently squeezed her before speaking.
“If this is how you feel, that is okay. We love you, Eun Chan.” Her father said.
“No matter what.” Her mother added.
Eun Chan let out a breath. Was it that easy, could she really just choose? Being a boy didn’t feel wrong, but it also didn’t seem fully right.
Her mother resumed her cooking like all was right and normal in the world. She barely turned her head when she spoke again.
“Son, can you tell your sister the food is almost ready?”
Son. Son.
Maybe Eun Chan didn’t need to figure everything out, because right now being a son was euphoric. Being his parents' son wasn’t his totality, but it also wasn’t incorrect. It felt like being warmed by the sun's rays for the first time in months after a long winter.
Eun Chan smiled so wide his face hurt. “Yes, mom.”
This was enough for now.