Chapter Text
“So, what do you do for fun?”
Just like that, all memories of ever doing something fun slip out of Ongsa’s mind. Now that she thinks about it, what does she do for fun?
Ongsa gulps down a whole glass of water before she can even begin to make eye contact with the person in front of her. Why didn’t anybody warn her that first dates were so unnerving? Is it normal to feel scrutinised just by a simple question? A simple look?
In the forty-five minutes that they have met each other, this is the fifth question that Ongsa finds herself dumbstruck in front of.
Going on a date with an almost stranger was a bad idea.
Milli—the person in front of her—is pretty. A few strands of her hair are dyed pink and braided in two long plaits. Her eyes are kind and Ongsa can tell how much she’s trying to maintain a steady flow of conversation, but Ongsa just cannot get out of her head.
“Uh—” Ongsa starts. What had P’Alpha said? If you don’t know what to say, say something generic. “Well— I read.” Even to her ears, this sounds so, unsure, so awkward. Why isn’t Milli just running away? Why torture herself with this conversation?
“Oh!” Milli’s eyes perk up. “What do you usually read?”
Is there a way to sound cool when saying tooth-rotting romance? “Uhm. Anything, if the summary is interesting enough.”
Milli’s face crinkles in a smile. “You don’t have high standards, do you?”
Ongsa contemplates this question deeply. It must show on her face, because the smile falls a little from Milli’s face and she says, “Never mind. I was just joking.”
“Right.”
And their conversation lulls into silence.
Ongsa plays with her food a little more. Is making conversations on dates always this hard? How do people do this on a regular basis? If she went on a date with someone she actually liked, would it be the same?
(And then, unbridled, Sun’s face is pulled from the deep crevices of her mind and plastered directly onto Milli’s. Would it be the same if Sun were here? No, a loud voice in Ongsa’s head booms. If Sun were here, conversations would not take so much effort. She would ease up the tension simply by smiling in Ongsa’s direction. If things got awkward, Ongsa would make a funny comment—that only they would understand—and that would prompt a burst of laughter from Sun and diffuse the awkwardness. But there is no point in thinking like this. Sun is not the person in front of her.)
Going on a date whilst irrevocably in love with someone was a bad idea.
“How about you?” Ongsa asks back after a long pause.
“Well, I love doing anything outdoors! My friend group and I regularly trek, we go jogging every weekend, there’s a little rock climbing studio by—”
Ongsa nods and hmms at (hopefully) the right times because this question is enough for Milli to carry the whole conversation.
By the time she is finished with a monologue about her latest trek, they’ve finished their dinner. Their conversation falls short once again. Milli does not ask her anything, and Ongsa feels too drained to ask her anything new. As though on the same page, they both decline the offer for dessert and call for the bill.
“Well,” Milli says later when they’re waiting for their cabs. “You are really nice, Ongsa. But I don’t think we should do this ever again.”
Even though Ongsa agrees with the sentiment and was expecting a swift rejection from the get go, it doesn’t stop the pain from blooming in the bottom of her chest.
This was a bad idea. A horrible, stupid idea. It feels like failing an exam everyone is supposed to pass. Like there is something so fundamentally wrong with her that she can’t even have a successful first date at the age of 20. For a moment, Ongsa loathes herself.
“I understand,” Ongsa says with a nod. The universe seems to have noticed her turbulent state of mind, thus sending her a cab just that moment.
“I should go,” Ongsa says, pointing at the cab. “Bye, see you!”
Milli sends her a small smile and waves her goodbye.
***
Ongsa slowly turns the key to her dorm room when the door opposite her opens abruptly.
“Ongsaaa,” Sun calls out and Ongsa turns around to face her. “Do you want to— Woah.”
“Hi,” Ongsa calls out.
“Hi!” Sun exclaims. There is a radiant smile on her face as she steps in closer. “Woah, Ongsa. You look so good.”
“Ah.” Suddenly self-conscious, Ongsa tucks her open hair behind her ear and adjusts her glasses. “Thank you.”
Sun comes closer. “I thought you were at the library. That’s why I didn’t text or call. You don’t look like you were in the library.”
“Uh.” Ongsa takes a deep breath and leans against her door.
Sun takes that as an opportunity to crowd in closer, looking at Ongsa with narrowed eyes.
“You look so pretty, Ongsa. Where were you?”
It’s unfair, Ongsa thinks, looking away. How dare Sun know the kind of effect she has on me whenever she is this close?
Sun thinks that Ongsa admits to everything on her mind when she’s this close because she is scared of her ‘angry look’ (as much as Ongsa loves Sun, she knows that her look isn’t enough to scare anybody, much less a rat). In all honesty, when Sun is this close, Ongsa can’t think of anything but being crowded against a surface by Sun and being kissed senseless.
Ongsa clenches her eyes shut. Why is she thinking of this?
“I was just out. You know, with— uh.” Ongsa’s stilted reply causes Sun to actually become concerned. “I was just out for dinner.”
“You had dinner already?” Sun asks, her eyebrows crinkled up. “I thought we could eat together today. Where were you?”
All at once, Ongsa attempts to damage control.
“Uh. I was out. Just with a new friend, I made.”
As always, it ends up causing more damage. Why couldn’t she just have said that she was out with P’Alpha?
“Oh?” Sun asks, furrowing her eyebrows. “Have you talked about this friend before?”
Ongsa shakes her head. “She is a new friend. I just met her a couple of days ago.” Which isn’t a lie, Ongsa wants to add. Milli and Ongsa met through an app only a couple of nights ago.
Sun nods in contemplation. And because Sun knows Ongsa as well as Ongsa knows Sun, she asks, “Why are you being so secretive about this friend, Ongsa?”
A nervous laughter sputters out of her. Ongsa lies, “Of course, I’m not!”
And because Ongsa is not a good liar, the light on Sun’s face actually dims despite the teasing smile etched on her lips. “You’re acting so suspicious! It is almost as if you were on a date and don’t want me to know!”
With whatever Sun sees on Ongsa’s face, the smile completely falls off of her face. “Oh. You were?”
For some godforsaken reason, Ongsa wants to make sure that Sun knows that the date didn’t go well. “It wasn’t that big a deal! You know, if it actually mattered, I’d have told you. I just. The date was also so. Pah. So bad! We’re not even meeting each other again. I had agreed on a whim! I—”
Ongsa stops the word vomit at the extremely weird expression on Sun’s face.
“Where did you meet her?”
“Just a dating app,” Ongsa mumbles. “It is really not a big deal.”
Sun takes a huge breath and a step back, giving Ongsa the space to gulp all the air that seems sucked out of her lungs. “So. You’re planning on going on more dates then? In the future?”
“I mean…” Ongsa shrugs her shoulders. “I should, no? Isn’t it high time that I try dating, too?”
Instead of this conversation clearing up Sun’s doubts, it seems to add another layer of concern. Sun looks away and breathes in deeply. “Oh.”
“I’m sorry,” Ongsa mumbles, finding the corridor carpet a lot more interesting. “I am sorry that I didn’t tell you before.”
The weird expression on Sun’s face melts into something fond. “Ongsa. It’s okay. You have no reason to apologise. It is just— I mean, I thought I’d be the first one to know if someone caught your eye. But it is so, totally, completely okay! Why didn’t you just tell me directly, though?”
Ongsa simply shrugs her shoulders. “It felt strange to say it.” Super strange. The tiny flame of hope that Ongsa was holding onto would be doused in cold water if she were to actually say it. And now, it is.
Sun seems more disappointed by the fact that Ongsa didn’t tell her anything than by the fact that she’s going out on dates. That tells her everything she needs to know, doesn’t it?
Sun can never like her back. She was a fool for even considering the infinitesimal possibility.
“Do you want to come in?” Ongsa asks and pushes her door open.
Sun startles in her spot. “No,” she says, an answer so unusual for her that Ongsa’s heart claws its way into her throat. “I— I have some work. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
***
Long ago, in the height of the summer, the day Ongsa had seen Sun for the very first time and fallen in love, she had come to the conclusion that Sun was the epitome of goodness in the world. Nobody could replicate her warmth, nobody could begin to understand her glory, and nobody even came close to making Ongsa feel the way Sun did. All tongue-tied and gooey. Like she was mere putty in Sun’s soft hands, ready to be moulded according to her whim. There was nobody whose smile could fix whatever was wrong with the world but Sun’s. In the months that Ongsa’s pathetic crush had blossomed into a sturdy friendship, she had come to a sad realisation: people didn’t see Sun the way Ongsa saw Sun. Even though everyone is helpless to fall in love with her, their rose-tinted glasses fall short in front of Ongsa’s.
The way Ongsa sees it, she has no choice but to fall in love with her. The more they got to know each other, the more helpless Ongsa was. Their casual friendship blossomed into deeper friendship, and there wasn’t a day that went by without them talking to each other. Ongsa’s day started with Sun’s good morning message and ended with a smile on her face, a remnant of their late-night conversation. They could not be separated—to the point where they begged their university administration to assign them dorms close to each other. Even though they’re in different departments, they spend every waking hour together.
Ongsa never got a chance to “get over” Sun. And if Ongsa is extremely honest with herself, she never wants to get over her. Why would she? Sun was everything she’d ever wanted. Without Sun, she can’t imagine falling in love with someone and spending a lifetime with them. She can’t bear the thought of someone replacing Sun’s position in her life, someone else who could closely witness Ongsa’s worst moments and her best.
It was P’Alpha who suggested Ongsa go on dates with other people.
“Have you heard of Icarus?” she asked during their weekly dinner, four weeks ago.
Ongsa shook her head.
“Son of Daedalus? In Greek Mythology?”
Ongsa shook her head once again.
“There is a lot to this Greek mythology, but the point I’m trying to make is—he died because he flew too close to the sun. His wings were made of wax, and his father had warned him not to fly too close to the sun, lest the wings melt. And they did. And he died.”
“What are you trying to say, P’Alpha?”
“You and Sun spend so much time together, Ongsa,” she said, as gently as she could muster. “I just don’t want you to get hurt. Very realistically speaking, what happens if she starts dating someone else? Have you ever considered that?”
Ongsa sighed. P’Alpha’s sentiment was reflected in anyone Ongsa has ever known. Her friends Tinh and Charoen often ask her, what happens if Ongsa starts dating? What will you do? Her cousin Aylin and her girlfriend are always commenting, humans are so strange with their customs. If you like her, just tell her. It would at least give you a sense of certainty on whether you should move on or not.
What will Ongsa gain out of thinking about a future where someone else is Sun’s priority? What will Ongsa gain by confessing to Sun? Her feelings are quite obviously not reciprocated. Ongsa would have known if they were. What is the point of ruining a friendship that is years in the making?
What P’Alpha and every one of Ongsa’s friends fail to understand is that the story of Icarus only ends with him dying because he flew too close to the sun. Nobody considers those moments of pure glee he must have felt between taking flight and falling: those exhilarating moments of pure exuberance as he felt the sun kiss on his face, as he spread his wings and felt life in its entirety. Nobody considers how this is something he must have yearned for all his life. If he were too careful whilst flying, he would have regretted not experiencing those moments to their fullest.
Icarus died in the end, but Ongsa does not think he regretted it all that much. After all, how could one regret their journey—however short—with someone they longed for all their lives?
Even if this ends terribly—the way everyone seems to be implying—Ongsa does not think she would regret a single moment of the time she has spent with Sun. These moments with Sun are all worth the pain that would inevitably come at the end of it.
When Ongsa looks back at the four years she’s spent with Sun, that time is doused in a bright, golden light. A light that could last Ongsa for eternity.
“I have,” Ongsa said and looked away. “I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Ongsa,” P’Alpha said and put her head on Ongsa’s shoulder. “I know it is upsetting to hear. And there is nothing wrong with being in love with your best friend, okay? I won’t dissuade you from it. However, I don’t know if closing yourself off to any romantic prospects if it isn’t Sun is a good idea.”
“What do you mean?”
“You’re so young! Don’t you want to go out on dates and meet new people? Have a bouquet of experiences?”
Ongsa considered the question deeply.
“If you weren’t in love with Sun, would you not be venturing out into the dating sphere right now?”
When Ongsa did not reply, P’Alpha only poked her forearm. “Think about it, Ongsa.”
Ongsa nodded in response. “If Sun starts considering dating, then I will too.”
And so, here Ongsa was, four weeks later, mindless swiping through a dating profile that she had made with the help of her sister.
***
The next morning, as they eat breakfast together, Sun asks, “So, do you like someone?”
Immediately, Ongsa chokes on her food and begins coughing and gasping for air. It is not until she has gulped down a mouthful of water that she realises how close Sun suddenly is, her warm hand on her back, her face right beside Ongsa’s. Their gazes meet, and like a coward, Ongsa jumps away.
Loving Sun has long since become a fact that simmers just underneath the surface of her skin. Out of sight and yet bubbling away, only growing in intensity. In the several years of their friendship, Ongsa has learnt how to calm her steadfast heart at how casual Sun is with touch. After the revelations of last night, it feels like a layer of Ongsa’s skin has burnt off, making her more vulnerable than ever.
Suddenly, Sun’s casual touch—her fingers splayed out on her back, rubbing gently in circles—doesn’t feel so casual. Suddenly, Ongsa is sixteen again and faced with the onslaught of her feelings for Sun. Her gentle touch feels blistering.
At once, Sun’s face grows concerned. “Are you okay?” she asks, extending her hand forward.
Like an imprudent fool, Ongsa flinches. Sun looks away. Drops her hand in her lap and clenches her fingers together.
“Sorry,” Ongsa whispers, nudging in closer. “I don’t know why I’m so jumpy.”
Sun gives her a tiny smile and asks once again, “Do you like someone, Ongsa?”
“Do you really want me to answer your question?”
Sun looks away. Alas, some things are better hidden in the sand, discovered only when they have long fossilised.
Answering Sun’s question truthfully would cause repercussions Ongsa is not prepared for. Saying no feels too untruthful, as though she is hiding the most important part of herself. Instead, Ongsa just asks, “Can I ask why you want to know?”
“I’m your best friend,” Sun whispers. She looks uncertain. “I am just curious. I am allowed to be, aren’t I?”
“You are my best friend,” Ongsa affirms and pushes her food towards her that was abandoned in the pursuit of calming Ongsa’s coughs. “You definitely are. I was just wondering.”
“Was it your first date?” Sun asks. “The one you went on, yesterday?”
Ongsa nods. “I was going to tell you all about it after the date, I promise. I honestly didn’t know how to bring it up. Or what to even say.”
“Well, how did you tell your other friends?”
Ongsa looks at her hands twined in her lap. “It is different with you.”
“Why?” Sun demands to know. “What is so different about us and your other friends?”
Well, for starters, I am in love with you.
“It’s scary,” Ongsa whispers. “Your opinion means the most to me.”
Sun blinks. At once, the light on her face dims.
“I get it. But think about it, Ongsa. We’ve never talked about crushes or dating. I guess because we never had them. Right? But ever since last week, when I told you about— well. Things have changed, haven’t they? I just want you to know that this is something we can talk about. I know that you felt super shy about it yesterday. You don’t have to hide from me when you go on dates with people in the future. Instead, I want you to tell me!”
Ongsa blinks. Suddenly, Sun seems too passionate about a subject that they’ve both shied away from in the past.
“I mean!” A pink flush coats Sun’s cheeks. Valiantly, she bites the inside of her cheek and leans over to wrap her fingers around Ongsa’s arms. She peers at Ongsa through her eyelashes, doe-eyed and pouting. “For safety purposes, you know? I live the closest to you! You should share your location and tell me everything about the people you go on dates with! Their name, their age, their university, their everything. So that if anything happens—which it won’t but you never know what kind of weirdos the internet is filled with—I am fully updated. You get what I mean, no?”
In the face of Sun’s earnest expression, does Ongsa have any other choice but to nod?
“Like, if I go on a date, I would do the same, you know? For safety purposes.”
At once, Ongsa’s stomach curdles up with an ugly, green emotion. “Okay, I will,” Ongsa whispers. “For safety purposes.”
“Okay,” Sun says. “I’m relieved.”
Ongsa has a hard time believing her words. She looks anything but relieved. Her shoulders seem to come up to her ears. She doesn’t even look at Ongsa in the eyes.
“Just eat,” Ongsa says, pushing the food in front of her again. “Do you remember when you almost fainted last week because you had ‘forgotten’ to eat breakfast?”
The unexplainable look on Sun’s face clears out with a simple blink. In its stead, a tentative smile blooms on her face. “Ah, Ongsa,” she mutters. “Thank you. For always taking care of me.”
***
On a rainy evening a couple of days later, Ongsa opens the door to Sun’s expectant face.
“Hi,” Sun says and holds out her makeup bag in front of her. “You can pick any lipstick you want from this.”
“Thank you,” Ongsa says. In taking the bag from Sun, their hands accidentally brush together.
Sun looks up at Ongsa and makes no attempt to dislodge their hands.
“Will you come in?” Ongsa asks, her voice suddenly hoarse. “I don’t know what lipstick would actually suit me.”
Ongsa’s dorm room is bathed in the thunderous grey, reflecting the stormy sky. A singular golden lamp in the corner of the room is not enough to fight the shadows.
“Is this weather okay for you to go out in?” Sun asks as she sceptically looks at the sky outside. “Don’t you just feel like staying home and eating soupy noodles with wontons?”
Ongsa laughs. It is an ideal Saturday: the two of them huddled up to watch an anime while it pours outside as Aunty Pun’s soupy noodles accompany them.
Alas, Ongsa has promised Bambi that she would meet her for a matinee show at a nearby theatre.
“I can’t cancel on her,” Ongsa replies as she looks through Sun’s vast lipstick collection. “But maybe I can call her over?”
“No!”
Startled, Ongsa drops the lipstick in her hand. When she looks up, Sun looks incredibly upset.
“Sun?”
Sun looks away. “I mean,” she says, “it won’t be fair to her, would it? If she is the only person travelling. Besides, she can get the wrong idea if you call her to your room for a first date.”
Internally, Ongsa cringes. How is she so short-sighted? How can she not even consider all these different aspects of a simple date? No wonder her last date went so horribly.
“You’re right,” she mumbles and goes back to searching for the perfect shade.
“Why are you suddenly thinking of putting on makeup?” Sun asks as she inches closer. “You never put on makeup.”
“Well, I’ve to look pretty for the people I go on dates with, no?”
“You look pretty regardless of makeup,” Sun says this with such certainty, that for a moment, Ongsa simply stares at her.
“What?” Sun asks, indignant, as though she is offended on Ongsa’s behalf. Soft hands pat her cheeks. “Look at you! You’re gorgeous.”
Ongsa blinks. A wave of warmth surges up in her body, dousing over every other thought, feeling, and sensation known to her.
Unflinchingly, Sun gently rubs her thumb across her forehead. “See? So pretty.” Her thumb moves to her eyebrows. She traces the shape of them with her thumb and her eyes.
Ongsa’s eyes flutter close when her thumb falls on her eyelids. What is happening?
“See?” Sun whispers. “Your cheeks are so soft, so naturally pink. You don’t even need a blush.”
Soon, Ongsa finds her cheeks being cupped by Sun’s gentle hands. Ongsa’s eyes snap open.
And then in a heartstopping moment, Sun’s gaze sweeps down to Ongsa’s lips. The world halts on its axis. The steady thrum of the rain is drowned by the sound of Ongsa’s heart. Her world narrows down to this: the feverish touch of Sun’s hands on her face, their bare knees touching, the uncertain, indecipherable look on Sun’s face that has been prevalent ever since Ongsa’s first date.
Swept up by a current of desperation, Ongsa wants to ask, what does this mean? What do you think about when you look like that? Why do I feel faint? Have you considered what would happen if I die because of your look?
Before Sun’s thumb can reach—god forbid—her lips, Ongsa grips her wrist. “Sun,” she whispers. “What are you doing?”
Suddenly, Sun jerks out of her hold and looks at the bed. Vaguely, after sense starts seeping into Ongsa’s mind now that Sun’s searing gaze is not on her, she realises that her phone is ringing.
'Incoming call from Bambi' flashes on Ongsa’s screen.
“I should go,” Sun whispers, moving away. “I— Pick any lipstick from here. You’d look nice in all, Ongsa. If you start feeling unsafe, just send me a message. I’ll know where you are. I’ll come to you. Have a nice time on your date.”
***
“So, what do you study?”
Ongsa twirls her coffee with a straw. “Veterinary medicine.”
“Oh!” Bambi exclaims. “That’s so nice! Do you have a pet? Usually, people who love pets are the ones becoming vets.”
“I do,” Ongsa replies, taking out her phone to show Bambi pictures of Latte. She forgets that her lock screen is a picture of Sun and that her home screen is a picture of the two of them together, a close-up of their faces with a lipstick heart drawn on their cheeks.
Bambi doesn’t say anything about the onslaught of Sun’s pictures on Ongsa’s phone before she gets to Latte’s.
Shame curls on the insides of Ongsa’s stomach.
“You’re not cheating on your girlfriend, are you?” Bambi asks after she patiently looks through Latte’s cute videos.
“No, no!” Ongsa exclaims. She wipes her clammy hands on her dress. “That is just my best friend. We are just really close.”
Bambi smiles. “I get it. I’m really close to my best friend as well. In fact, she is coming to pick me up after our date.”
“Right,” Ongsa mutters and chews the top of her straw.
Even though this date is significantly better than her first one—mostly because they’d watched a movie together and had loads to talk about afterwards—Ongsa feels significantly worse than she did.
It isn’t Bambi’s fault. She respects Ongsa’s space and is patient with her absent-mindedness. In fact, she is too understanding. It isn’t fair to her that Ongsa can’t help but think of anyone but Sun.
Everything Ongsa does returns to Sun, somehow. Her face burns with the phantom touch of Sun’s thumb on hers. Her thoughts keep wandering to that moment suspended in time. What would have happened if Ongsa hadn’t stopped Sun by her wrist? Would she have touched Ongsa’s lips? What would have happened then? What would Ongsa have allowed to happen, her heart on the line?
Ongsa shakes her head and sips her coffee once again. She orients her attention to Bambi once again and asks her, “Tell me about your best friend.”
“Oh!” Bambi’s face lights up. Is this what Ongsa also looks like when she talks about Sun? Like the sunlight has torn the seams of her skin. “She is the absolute best! We met in primary school and have been inseparable ever since. You know those people you share a glance with for the first time and realise that they’re going to make a huge impact on your lives?”
“I do,” Ongsa replies, wistful.
“Yeah,” she whispers. “That is Earn for me. I can’t imagine my life without her.”
“I get that,” Ongsa nods her head. “I feel the same for my best friend.”
Bambi tilts her head. “Do you?”
Nodding, Ongsa diligently says, “I think she’s the best person I know. We’re inseparable too, and I can’t imagine my life without her.”
“Unlike you, however, I’m not in love with Earn,” Bambi replies, a dagger to Ongsa’s heart.
Instead of this adding a layer of anxiety, Ongsa finds her shoulders slumping in relief. Finally, an acknowledgement that eases the pressure she was in this whole time. Now, she doesn’t have to pretend to be someone she isn’t. She doesn’t have to pretend to not be in love with Sun.
“Am I that easy to read?”
Bambi looks half-apologetic as she nods her head. “Can I ask you something, Ongsa?”
At Ongsa’s nod, Bambi says, “Why are you going on dates with other people if you’re in love with your best friend?”
“I have to get over her, one way or another, don’t I?” Ongsa asks. She stabs her drink with the half-chewed straw, only to find that her ice is all melted. “I mean, she is so amazing. You saw her, right? Not only is she kind and sweet and smart, but she is also so pretty. People have always been in line to date her. At one point, it didn’t bother me. And now, it does.”
“Because she might like someone else?”
Ongsa sighs. Even though she has tried her best to erase the conversation from three weeks ago, it seems to have been imprinted in the forefront of her memory. “She might,” Ongsa replies. “She will always be the most important person to me, but things will be so much simpler if I just get rid of these unrequited feelings, you know?”
Bambi nods. “I get you,” she says. “Do you know for sure that she doesn’t like you?”
“I really don’t see a reason as to why she would,” Ongsa replies.
“Maybe, you can actually confirm it, before trying to get over her,” Bambi replies as she taps Ongsa’s knuckles. “You never know what the future holds.”
***
Ongsa can smell the steaming dumplings from the corridor.
The last thing she wants to do is face Sun. The only thing Ongsa wants is Sun.
Tentatively, she knocks on Sun’s door. There is a crash followed by a yelp. A moment’s silence later, the door opens to reveal Sun—her chin smeared in flour and her hair a total mess. She wears an apron stained with sauces and food. Sun’s face is red with sweat—and upon noticing Ongsa, it somehow flushes deeply. The colour streams through her neck, collarbone, and chest until it is drowned by her t-shirt. She is the most beautiful person Ongsa has ever seen.
Ongsa remembers Bambi’s words. What is she doing, going on dates with random people and hoping that she likes them at least to some degree that she likes Sun?
"Ongsa! Oh, so you finally went with the brown lipstick, huh?" Sun asks, looking closely at Ongsa's lips. "It suits you a lot. Come in, come in! How was your date?”
All my thoughts returned home to you. What do you think?
“It was alright,” Ongsa says. Without any prompting, she starts helping Sun around in the kitchen.
It is the most untidy that Sun’s kitchen has ever been. There are piles of vessels in the sink, and piles on the small countertop table by the stove. The table Sun uses as a dining table and a study table is full of dumplings. It would take them a whole week to finish these.
Ongsa doesn’t question what happened. When Sun is extremely stressed about a particular thing and needs to make an important decision, she tends to do something manually. In their junior year, Sun had to make a decision to go abroad for a semester. That was also the time she had learnt how to bake. Everyone that Sun knew received at least one loaf cake every week. In their senior year, before applying to universities, Sun had learnt how to knit. Ongsa still has the scarf, tiny socks, and rings she had knitted, all in one week.
This flood of dumplings must come from a similar stressful situation. Ongsa trusts Sun to tell her what’s going on once she figures it out. Till then, she does her best to reduce the chaos in her room. She is not great at cleaning, but living alone means that she has to learn how to make sure her room is presentable.
“There are more in the freezer,” Sun mutters. “And some are steaming. For dinner. Did you have dinner?”
“It’s Saturday,” Ongsa says, tying her hair up in a pony. “It’s our weekly movie night. I didn’t eat dinner outside.”
A wide smile blooms on Sun’s face. “Okay,” she whispers. “I was worried that maybe you wouldn’t want to, considering how you saw a movie just this afternoon.”
“You’re one of the most important people to me,” Ongsa says, matter-of-factly. This is a feeling that has been confirmed in the years of their friendship. Ongsa may not trust a lot of things that happen in her life, but she trusts this. “I would rather sacrifice a date than cancel on you.”
At the mention of her date, Sun’s smile stops reaching her face. It is almost as if she is smiling to make sure that Ongsa knows she is okay. Ongsa has spent a good chunk of her life simply studying Sun’s smile. She knows that something is bothering her.
“How was your date?” Sun asks again. “And tell me how it was, in detail. You don’t look too happy. Will you guys get married soon?” Even though Sun laughs after asking that, her voice sounds gruff.
Ongsa snorts. “Not at all! We didn’t share any common interests. I guess I’m not as attracted to her as I thought I’d be.” Most importantly, she wasn’t you.
Sun hums and begins cleaning the utensils. Ongsa stands beside her, the drying cloth in her hand.
“Will you go on a second date?”
“I don’t think so,” Ongsa replies. Even though she has met only a couple of people, it is enough for her to know that this isn’t something she wants. Regardless of what her friends and sisters tell her, she doesn’t think it is a good idea to have these ‘experiences’ when she could have just been at home with Sun.
“Do you think this is a good idea?” Ongsa asks. “Going on these dates, I mean. Talking to strangers and meeting them and knowing if there is someone who could like me too.”
“Like you, too?” Sun asks as she passes her a utensil.
Ongsa takes a deep breath. “I mean, I think it is very easy for me to like someone. But I don’t think they would ever reciprocate my feelings.”
“I get what you mean.” Sun sighs. Suddenly, she looks so defeated, so small, that Ongsa simply wants to hold her in her arms. “It’s always a gamble, isn’t it?”
“So. Do you think it’s a good idea for me to do this?”
“Oh, absolutely,” Sun replies. There is not a glint of hesitation on her face. To cement her words, she even looks at Ongsa with a pleased smile. “I mean it. I think it is super important to do this. You’ve inspired me to actually say yes to that person who asked me out.”
Thankfully oblivious to Ongsa’s state at hearing it, Sun continues. “You should do what makes you happy, of course. But there is nothing greater in life than collecting experiences. It’s like travelling, you know? You need to go to a place to figure out what is and isn’t meant for you. It is the same thing with dating. You need to experience people to know who is and isn’t meant for you. So yes, it is absolutely a good thing that you are going on these dates.”
Ongsa, the connoisseur of Sun’s smiles, fails to notice how Sun’s smile fails to reach her eyes.
Ongsa, an anthology of Sun’s moods, fails to notice how she is simply rambling rather than making any sense. How she grips the sink a little too tightly and her toes twitch—a nervous tick from her father.
Ongsa is simply fixated upon the former half of Sun’s statement. “Right,” she whispers.
In silence, they complete washing the dishes and cleaning up the kitchen. Ongsa feels miserable. This was the only confirmation she needed. Their dinner is an awkward, silent thing. There is none of the natural comfort they feel around each other when they sit on Sun’s bed to watch the movie. Ongsa doesn’t know what to do with her hands, her head, or her body as she peers into the laptop screen. Even though it was Sun’s turn to pick out the movie, she barely looked as though she was enjoying it.
They can’t even discuss the movie for more than five minutes—it is clear that none of them were paying any attention to it, swept up by the harsh undercurrents of the evening.
“Ongsa,” Sun calls when she is wearing her shoes to go back to her dorm. “Will we see each other tomorrow?”
“Of course,” Ongsa replies. This weird energy will clear out between them with a good night’s sleep; Ongsa is sure of that.
Sun seems to think of the same thing, for she smiles and steps in close, holding Ongsa’s torso and pulling her close.
“Okay, Ongsa,” she whispers, her head on Ongsa’s heart. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”
When Ongsa steps out of the door, she is finally able to take a deep breath. It has to be better tomorrow.