Chapter Text
Once, Dan Feng had said these words to Yingxing. Dan Heng does not remember exactly where, though it was familiar. It was an isolated courtyard garden, split down the middle by a thin stream that carried waters headed towards the Scalegorge Waterscape. The two of them had been standing by the bank of it, Dan Feng’s hand resting on Yingxing’s forearm.
“Memories are never lost. They will always exist within us. All that matters is finding them once more.”
And Yingxing had turned to him, smiling. Dan Feng brought himself to meet his gaze. Thirty five years. That was how long they had had at that moment. And it was but a wash of moments in the life of a Vidyadhara. Yet in that time, Yingxing’s hair had softened into white, and lines from years of expression had found home across his face.
“And how do you find them?” Yingxing asked, and Dan Feng closed his eyes.
In his other hand was a smooth stone, the pad of his thumb rubbing over its surface.
“You must fall into them. And once stirred, they will rise to the surface,” Dan Feng said, dropping the stone into the stream.
Sediment from the base rose, spilling color into the clear water. Dan Feng watched as the cloud was washed away. A cycle. Remember, forget. Death, rebirth.
“Will you remember me?”
Dan Feng pulled his hand away from Yingxing’s arm, turning away.
“Dan Feng,” Yingxing tried, but Dan Feng stopped him.
“You promised we wouldn’t speak of it again.”
“We must.”
“No,” Dan Feng said again, and he watched as Yingxing’s hand flinched from the flare of heat now coming through the bracer on his wrist.
“It won’t be so much longer,” Yingxing said, softer. “In the time we have left, I wish to spend it with you. It is a waste to wish against the inevitable. I’m not meant to last. You know this.”
With an uncontrollable flick of his tail, Dan Feng felt the first semblances of anger. “A waste?”
Yingxing then reached between them, grasping Dan Feng’s hand in his own.
“Dan Feng, please,” and his voice was different this time. And for the first time, Dan Feng felt as if Yingxing was the elder of them. Fading now.
“It will be enough to know that you remember me, throughout your endless lives. Even if I can’t live on, I will exist in you. So, promise me. Promise me that you’ll search for me in every lifetime, and that you’ll remember me.”
Dan Feng pressed himself into Yingxing’s chest, allowing the other man to hold him there. Memories were not life. It wouldn’t be the same.
“I won’t let you go,” Dan Feng breathed, clutching at Yingxing’s back. “Never.”
Yingxing pressed a kiss at the crown of his head, between his two horns, and Dan Feng could feel his words rather than hear them.
“Promise me.”
~
Dan Heng opened his eyes, the lapping of water coming up to his waist. His hair, now in its full length, pooled around his shoulders. For a moment he didn’t know where he was until a hand reached out to him to grab on to.
“You were there for a while, longer than before,” Jing Yuan said, matter of factly. Dan Heng took his hand and allowed Jing Yuan to pull him up. The man made an attempt to support him as he stood back on his feet, although it wasn’t overly needed.
There was still that underlying sense of eagerness in Jing Yuan that needed to be of assistance. It brought memories back to the Shackling Prison, of the ‘first’ time he met the other from across bars. Quiet gifts of books and transcripts for Dan Heng to read, despite the chill and the wounds. He pushed the images from his mind and took a step to the side.
Water separated from his body as Cloudhymn magic simmered on his fingertips. He used the last of it to shift back into his repressed form, long hair fading until cropped beneath his ears, draconic features shimmering into nothing. It wasn’t him, and yet it brought a sense of security that he hadn’t had much of since first landing on the Luofu with the rest of the Express.
Since that battle, Dan Heng had returned several times to the Scalegorge Waterscape searching for answers. It had been Bailu’s suggestion to seek out the pools of waters here. Surrounding them were the eggs of other Vidyadhara, either growing or already hatched.
He had been here, time and time again, although he could only picture his most recent hatching. This was meant to be a sacred place for his kind, a place of birth, and a place of memory.
He wanted to tell himself that it wasn’t about Dan Feng because Dan Feng was gone. This wasn't about remembering. It was about learning. Learning to understand his sin, how to help Bailu, and how to go about dealing with Ren. It was meant to be detached, like reading from a historical record. It couldn’t be more than that.
“You don’t have to come here, you know,” Dan Heng said, finally looking back at Jing Yuan. “You don’t owe me anything. And I can take care of myself. I thought that much was obvious after Phantylia.”
“I knew that, even before,” Jing Yuan responded, smiling as he usually did in the way that Dan Heng was just learning how to read. This time, somewhere between sincerity and some other motive.
They began walking together, Jing Yuan a step ahead. The ground beneath them was soft, seeming to hug at their feet as they traversed away from the more natural terrain of the Waterscape. The Starskiff which had brought them here was waiting near the entrance, a decent walk away.
“So you either don’t trust me or it’s the Preceptors. I’ll presume it’s the second,” Dan Heng noted, not accusatory but not overly friendly either.
Jing Yuan laughed, and although Dan Heng couldn’t see his face, he could imagine it. “That easy to tell?”
“You’re not that difficult to read. And besides, it’s not as if I’m unaware of their dealings. They watched my every move even when I was locked away. I’m more surprised they sent you and not an interior scout, given your reputation for being lenient.”
“My reputation for being lenient should only be known to those I’m lenient towards,” Jing Yuan said, “Hopefully you aren’t spreading too many rumors about me.”
It wasn’t as if Dan Heng had that many people to spread rumors to.
“But it wasn’t just the Preceptors. Am I not allowed to want to see you? It’s not that often you come to the Luofu. Besides, wouldn’t you rather it be me than some shadow following you around?”
“I wonder sometimes how much free time being an Arbiter General allows you, or if you’re just slacking.”
“Less than being a Nameless does, considering the running around those kids do,” Jing Yuan said, fondly.
Dan Heng hadn’t understood what he meant at first, until he realized that he was referring to March and Caelus. Kids, is that what they were? Compared to Jing Yuan in age, then yes. Dan Heng at least physically appeared the same age as them, though the man hadn’t grouped him in with them.
Jing Yuan continued back to their conversation as the Starskiff came into view. “But despite their distrust of you, the Preceptors still want you to be the High Elder.”
Something, beyond reasonability, went cold in his chest upon hearing those words, even though he knew they were true after meeting with Bailu. A part of him knew that it was instinctual, a distaste that predated his rebirth.
“Bailu is the High Elder now. Dan Feng is no more. The title no longer belongs to me.”
“Despite your efforts, and hers as well, they don’t seem to share the sentiment. Ever since your awakening-“
“Nothing has changed since then,” Dan Heng said firmly. Jing Yuan paused and looked back at him. The Starskiff was just ahead, but they stopped for a moment.
“Dan Feng is gone, and everything he was is gone as well. It has all been washed away,” and a part of Dan Heng felt guilty at saying those words from the way Jing Yuan looked at him, still smiling like he always was yet Dan Heng could tell it was from a place of muted hurt. But it had to be this way.
Promise me
Searing, a flash behind his eyes. Dan Heng flinched back, cradling a hand to the side of his head as it happened. Since awakening from the pool, he had tried to keep it repressed until he was alone again, back at the Archives on the Express. It had been foolish to talk to Jing Yuan about the past.
Jing Yuan was by his side then, hands hovering by his shoulders. “Dan Heng?”
I won’t let you go
And this time the voice was louder, beating against the inside of his skull, demanding to be let out. Dan Heng shut his eyes as if that would help, but then he could see that scene again, feel the touch at the top of his head, the memories pooling up from the water where they had been hidden before.
Jing Yuan held his arms, holding him there in that spot as if trying to wait this out. But it was becoming louder, and the cloud of sediment was rising and rising.
Then, everything went quiet. As if a muffle had been put around Dan Heng’s thoughts, and the source of it caused ripples up the skin of his back. It was a clarity his body had felt before, many times. A sense of awareness. Then, warmth at his wrist. He didn’t know exactly where, but close. Here. For how long had he been here?
“It’s fine. I’m fine,” Dan Heng managed to get out, trying his best to recompose himself. He took a step back from Jing Yuan and nodded his head towards the Starskiff. “You go on ahead. I won’t stay much longer, and then I’m leaving for the Express.”
This time Jing Yuan didn’t force a smile, and Dan Heng knew that his attempt to be subtle had failed. After all, Jing Yuan seemed to be able to read a situation no matter what. He didn’t say anything at first, clearly thinking it through, but eventually spoke.
“It’s not that I don’t trust you,” he began, slowly. “But you don’t want to stir up any more problems if you want to continue keeping a low profile here. His mood can be unpredictable at times.”
“I’ll be okay,” Dan Heng said. “I’ll text you when I’m back safe.”
Jing Yuan sighed but eventually nodded. “Again, I’m perhaps too lenient with you.”
Dan Heng smiled this time, barely, but it was the most he could manage right now.
He waited there as Jing Yuan left on the Starskiff, wondering if this was a mistake. He figured it was better to not regret what was already happening, grip tightening around Cloud-Piercer as he held it closer.
“You can come out now,” Dan Heng called out.
At first, nothing. Then, footsteps from behind. Dan Heng quickly turned around, and although he didn’t immediately point his spear at the man, he was ready to at any moment needed.
A similar statement could be made of Ren, who also had his sword in hand, dragging the tip of it through the ground and leaving a trail of bleeding red.
“I’m surprised you didn’t leave with him,” said Ren. “Are you done running?”
“Why run when you’ll just follow? I have people who I care about now. I don’t need them being hurt in the crossfire,” Dan Heng said, looking up and down at Ren. It was clear that the mara had risen up inside him, with only one way to be let out. Someone’s blood would be shed today.
“People you care about now? How sweet,” Ren sneered. “You never fail to be cruel.”
The last time they had met had been that fated battle, and while they hadn’t parted on good terms, not even neutral terms, it had been enough to where Dan Heng felt something might have changed. But here Ren was again, just like all those times before. It seemed that what Caelus had told him was true, regarding his encounter with Kafka on the Luofu.
“How much do you remember?” Dan Heng asked, ignoring Ren’s previous statement.
“Shouldn’t I be the one asking that?”
“I mean about last time. I know Kafka wiped some of your memories.”
Ren narrowed his eyes before smiling coolly. “That boy must have told you, didn’t he? I remember enough to know that my blade forced you out of your hiding for once. Though, now you’ve put that sorry excuse of a costume back on.”
Despite the open space, Dan Heng felt cornered by the other man, backed up into an imaginary wall, and pinned to it with his hands tied. Reasonably, he knew that he could take Ren in a fight. He had before even without using his full powers. But it was something else that put a pit in his stomach.
His body, in a language he couldn’t understand, telling him that something was wrong. He just didn’t know exactly what. And that was the reason he had come back here to try and discern.
“Curious that you’ve come back to this place, and for what? Reminiscing with Jing Yuan? Or do you still hide around him too?”
“I’m not hiding,” Dan Heng countered, eyes keenly watching the way Ren sauntered around him. “It’s clear you’ve come here for a fight, so why not go ahead and attack me?”
“It’s more fun to play around with you, Yinyue-jun. It’s only fair considering all you do.”
Heat rose up Dan Heng’s neck, halfway embarrassed and halfway insulted.
“I don’t have time to play around with you.”
“Thanks to you, I do,” Ren said, and then Dan Heng could feel a bristling of static in the air as the mara spilled out, Ren’s face twisting into something darker as he lunged forward with his sword.
Dan Heng barely had the time to lift his spear, blocking Ren’s attack with the shaft. The force of it sent him back several paces, and he quickly had to begin dodging the subsequent swings of Ren’s sword.
Each time his blade struck the ground it left a bloody wound, and Dan Heng remembered how it felt to have that metal in his chest. He began fighting back, thrusting Cloud-Piercer near Ren’s abdomen before he too was parried.
“No azure dragon this time?” Ren said, swinging from above and causing Dan Heng to lift his spear above his head to defend himself. The rest of his body left open, Ren rushed in and kicked him square on his chest, sending him to crash on his back a distance away. “I thought you said you didn’t have time to play with me, and yet you’re the one spreading this out. Fighting with your hands tied behind your back.”
It was true. Without using his powers, the two of them were more evenly matched. That much was clear as their fight went on, parrying back and forth, Ren’s blade cutting into Dan Heng’s left arm with a spray of blood, Dan Heng’s spear piercing across Ren’s outer thigh. Over and over until the two of them were panting, though Dan Heng couldn’t help but feel that it was exhilarating Ren’s mara more than depleting it like he had hoped it would.
Finally, Ren had been able to hit Cloud-Piercer out of Dan Heng’s hold, the weapon landing several feet away from them. Before he could find a way to get it back, Ren hit him with the blunt handle of his sword in the sternum, knocking the breath out of him. Then, a kick to the knee pushed him to the ground.
Dan Heng thought Ren might stand over him and bring his sword down for a finishing blow, but instead, the man clambered over him, thighs around either side of his waist. Two hands found their place around his neck, squeezing tightly.
“Come on,” Ren smiled venomously, “I know you can do more than this. Show me.”
Dan Heng wheezed as he tried to inhale, face red from the lack of air. His hands struggled to release Ren’s grip around his throat, legs kicking out in protest.
Ren leaned closer, eyes seeming to widen as he took in Dan Heng’s desperate expression. “It’s just us.”
“No-“ Dan Heng coughed, vision becoming blurry. He wouldn’t do it, he wouldn’t. Last time it was forced out of him, and he’d had to remain that way until he knew his friends were safe. And they weren’t here now, and he had promised himself that he wouldn’t let his disguise down unless forced again. Ren would have to pierce his heart with his blade again if he wanted that.
But doing nothing might mean unconsciousness at this rate, and who knew what Ren would do with him then. Wetness welling at the corners of his eyes, Dan Heng managed to weakly rasp out a single word.
“Yingxing.”
It didn’t immediately stop the grip on his neck. But Dan Heng, in his fading vision, could see it processing in Ren. He had never seen that expression on the man before. Wide eyes, stunned for once.
Then, gradually, the weight on his neck loosened and Dan Heng gasped for air with closed eyes, coughing as he did so. He held his hands to his throat now as if trying to protect it in case Ren changed his mind.
“You-“ Ren began, still on top of Dan Heng. “You’re a liar. All those times you demanded that you didn’t know who I was. I knew it.”
Dan Heng could taste his bitterness, remorse dripping from his lips.
“No,” Dan Heng tried to say, voice hoarse.
“Is it so hard to face me? Are you that disgusted by me? To the point where you would lie about even that?” Ren spat, voice growing icier at every word.
“You don’t understand.”
“I understand plenty well, Dan Feng,” Ren said.
“I don’t fully remember you,” Dan Heng finally admitted, eyes still wet. “Only pieces, fragments. I know that it’s you, but I- I don’t know what it all means. I don’t truly know what exactly you were to Dan Feng, just that you were important to him. That’s how it’s supposed to be. I was reborn. I have a new life. I may see Dan Feng’s memories, but they are not mine. I never lied. I wouldn’t lie to you.”
Ren stared down at him, eyes searching for any sign of deception in his words. The silence was nearly unbearable. Suddenly, although Dan Heng didn’t know why he felt like this, the wetness in his eyes felt more than just a reaction from choking.
“Then you’re an oath breaker and a sinner,” Ren seethed.
It didn’t take but a moment for Dan Heng to realize that his words had been like fuel to a fire, the mara flaring once more as Ren’s body jerked. The man finally let Dan Heng loose, the two of them still on the ground as Ren fell to the side, clutching at his arm. His fingers dug deep, and red splotches stained the bandages.
“Ren,” Dan Heng said, almost reaching out before Ren fully turned away, only his back on display.
“Just go. I can’t stand the sight of you any longer,” he forced out.
Dan Heng knew he should listen, take the opportunity and get as far away as possible. Reasonably, Kafka knew where Ren was and would come for him eventually. He wouldn’t die from this. He couldn’t. And there was no one else around for him to hurt until then. But, there was himself.
Cautiously, Dan Heng brought himself closer to Ren, carefully placing two hands on his back. Closing his eyes, he summoned forth with Cloudhymn a small pool of reflective water, pressing it against Ren who jolted in response.
“You-“
“Don’t move,” Dan Heng said, voice firm but not threatening. “I’m not going to hurt you.”
It looked like Ren was going to retort, but then his expression winced as the water pushed through his coat, flushing over the expanse of his skin. Soon, it spread out over his body. The man was silent as Dan Heng continued, absorbing the impurities that he could and soothing any open wounds he found. A forced inhale when the water stitched together a particularly torn area on his chest.
It wasn’t anywhere near what Dan Feng could do, and therefore nothing like what Bailu could do, but it was enough to heal together the worst of the wounds and calm the mara to where Ren could hopefully think again without torment. He wondered how it compared to Kafka’s spirit whisper.
Once finished, he brought the water back to his hands, the once clear pool now dirtied and red. It vanished into nothing and Dan Heng sighed. The azure scales that had appeared on the back of his hands and forearms, along with the emerging claws, slowly faded as well. Thankfully those were the only features that had come forward as a result of using the Cloudhymn. He understood why Dan Feng had always adorned himself in long gloves.
He put his hands back in his lap, Ren still eerily quiet.
“Did it help?” he eventually asked.
“It won’t last. Nothing will.”
Dan Heng would take that as a yes. The environment now stiff and unsure, Dan Heng scooted himself away a bit from Ren so they weren’t so close. He looked down at his leg when he felt a buzzing in one of his pockets.
He could feel Ren eyeing him. Awkwardly, he pulled it out and looked at the screen. It was March. He clicked to answer and brought it up to his ear.
“March?”
“Is Ren there?” a voice bluntly asked, clearly not belonging to March.
“Who are you?” Dan Heng responded in turn.
“Silver Wolf. Is Ren there?” she asked again, sounding somewhat bored even. Dan Heng paused, looking at the man in front of him.
“Where’s March? Is she safe? Why do you have her phone?”
“She’ll be fine if you put Ren on the phone.”
Brow furrowing at her lack of an actually useful answer, he put the phone on speaker and held it between him and a distrustful-looking Ren.
“It’s for you,” he said.
“Ren, you there?” Silver Wolf said, and Ren finally leaned in.
“Why are you calling him?” He probed, sounding displeased as ever even when talking to one of his companions. Dan Heng suddenly felt he shouldn’t be listening to their conversation but would have to for March.
“You don’t ever look at your phone,” she said, and Dan Heng could hear through the call the sounds of clicking on a keyboard. “Anyways, can you pick us up?”
“Where’s March?” Dan Heng interjected, aware of the glare Ren gave to him.
“Why do you need help?” Ren questioned, bringing the phone closer to himself.
“I just do. I’m sending you the coordinates. I’ll need you here in under eight.”
A voice in the background said something unclear, but Dan Heng recognized it. He knew the rest of the Express with the exception of Himeko were down on the Luofu today, but he thought March would be off sightseeing, not doing whatever this was.
Ren was already standing up and pacing away, taking Dan Heng’s phone with him. Dan Heng followed after.
“What happens in eight minutes?” Ren asked.
“Then this cargo ship blows up and you can hold a joint funeral for me and March. Bury me with my PC.”
Dan Heng snatched the phone back from Ren. “What do you mean it’s going to blow up?”
It turned out Ren had brought a ship as well to the area, probably one that branched off from whatever the Stellaron Hunters usually used as their home base. Ren must have been here before Jing Yuan and Dan Heng had been.
The two of them didn’t speak to each other as Ren navigated the ship to the coordinates that Silver Wolf had sent over, with Dan Heng staying on the phone with the two girls. Silver Wolf seemed overly nonchalant about the issue, while March was in shambles and making an on-the-spot will of what of hers to give to whom.
“March, it’ll be okay. We’re almost there,” Dan Heng repeated to her.
“Yeah, chill out,” he heard Silver Wolf say in the background.
Ren managed to get the ship there with two minutes left on their clock, landing on the main loading deck of the ship. Dan Heng ran with him to the door but was shoved back by Ren.
“You’ll slow me down,” Ren said, and the door of the ship slid shut, leaving Dan Heng inside.
He hit the opening button, but nothing changed. He hit it again. Nothing.
Ren was just being unnecessarily petty now, Dan Heng realized. He stopped himself from kicking the door out of frustration. There was nothing else he could do, so he waited and stared at the countdown on the phone, wondering just how exact Silver Wolf had meant ‘under eight’ to be.
Forty seconds left, and Dan Heng was about to try breaking through the main window of the ship before the door opened again.
Dan Heng watched as Ren rushed back into the ship cabin, holding Silver Wolf in one arm and March in the other. There was blood splattered across his face. He unceremoniously dumped them both down, Silver Wolf landing on her feet while March fell to the floor with a yelp. Her hands went down to her right leg, something clearly wrong with it.
As Ren went away, Dan Heng rushed to March’s side.
“Dan Heng!” March exclaimed in her typical way of dramatic relief, sitting up and hugging him. He returned it with one arm, feeling the weight of exhaustion now that she was safe.
“How is your leg doing? Do you think you’ll be able to stand?” he asked as he pulled back, examining the limb. Nothing was sticking out or obviously disfigured, thankfully, but there was some dark bruising on the skin and it was clear that she was uncomfortable. He gently pressed three fingers on the area, March flinching with a squeak in response.
“It’s probably broken,” he sighed. March proceeded to pout even more in response, tears welling up in her eyes even though Dan Heng knew they weren’t that serious.
“Let me try something.”
Once again, he summoned the Cloudhymn waters, focusing them on March’s leg. She made a noise of surprise, then awe.
“Is that what you’ve been learning from Bailu?” she asked.
“It’s been slow, but yes.”
The water cleared away the bruising, but March still flinched at his touch once he finished.
“It seems I’m not proficient enough to fix broken bones. We’ll have to get you into the healing pod on their ship,” he said, frowning.
“It’s okay!” March reassured him, waving her hands. She could usually tell when someone was feeling disappointed. “It’s good enough that you can do that with the bruises and cuts. You’re still super cool to me.”
Dan Heng gave her a small smile as she did a thumbs up with a grin. He crouched down then and helped her get on his back, trying his best to not hurt her leg any more than it already was.
The ship began to move again, Dan Heng almost losing his balance but managing to hold on to a railing before he did. Then, through one of the windows, they watched as the cargo ship they had been on exploded, the hull going first and then the rest. The debris of it flew out in all directions, though their ship was speeding away fast enough to avoid it.
“Hah,” March weakly chuckled. “Glad you two came when you did.”
She proceeded to talk his ear off about how there was a particularly difficult group of mara-struck soldiers on the ship they were on, so on, so forth, something about a Trotter too.
“But what were you doing with Silver Wolf?” Dan Heng asked, helping March get into the healing pod. “You should have told one of us.”
“I know, I know,” March whined. “But it was all of a sudden, and I knew you were busy doing your... stuff. And Caelus was with Welt doing whatever it is that they do and then she just approached me out of nowhere in the Aurum Alley!”
“She approached you?” Dan Heng questioned as the pod window closed over March and he began the scan on her leg. Her voice was muffled now, but she kept speaking, so fast that Dan Heng could barely keep up.
He listened as she detailed an alleged cargo ship carrying illegal toxins disguised as medicine, and how Silver Wolf had apparently wanted her help getting into the ship's main control deck to collect the data base's information on the sources of the transaction.
“And you agreed to that.” Dan Heng stated, trying not to rub at his temples.
“Hey! She seemed serious about it. The Stellaron Hunters don’t seem the type to ask for help unless they really need it, and it sounded like a good cause.”
“Then what.”
March smiled. “Well- we have to fight some to get our way into the control room, and we get there, but then there are two guards blocking the way! And we managed to get through them, but as you can see, one of them got a hit on my leg. Which sucks.”
Dan Heng finished typing in the controls, and the pod began working on her leg. It seemed her story was also coming to an end, although Dan Heng felt like there were a lot of details missing in her hasty explanation.
“But then I guess to destroy the evidence some sort of self-destruction mode was activated? Silver Wolf said she couldn’t find any other ship and that we needed to call Ren - but then Ren wasn’t picking up his phone so she made me call you since she said that you two were together.”
“What?” he asked. He had wondered before why Silver Wolf had immediately asked if Ren was there, but had pushed it out of his mind when there was March to worry about.
“I know, right?” March huffed. “She probably has all of our locations, let’s be honest. I feel like she could blackmail me at any moment. I should clear my search history.”
She looked up at him through the glass.
“Also, why were you and him together? Are you on... better-ish terms now?”
He took a breath, feeling a mental overload coming on from all of this. “Don’t worry about it, March.”
March made a sound of protest but he raised a hand to silence her. She frowned at him.
“The pod will need a few hours to fix your leg. Try to get some sleep. We’ll be headed back to the Express once it’s done, so just take it easy.”
“Aw, you’re leaving me?”
“Just for a bit. I’m just going to make sure everything is alright out there.”
Tired, he made his way out of the infirmary room, taking a minute to breathe. Things would have certainly been different if he had just gone with Jing Yuan. He’d need to text in the Express group chat as well about where they were.
As he was doing so, he walked to where the observation deck was. As he came closer, he could hear Silver Wolf and Ren speaking to each other.
Dan Heng stopped right before coming into the room where they were, waiting behind the wall and listening to what they were saying in hushed voices.
“You could have gotten out yourself. We both know you didn’t need my help, and you didn’t need that girl’s either,” Ren said under his breath, though not quietly enough to where Dan Heng couldn’t hear.
“I know. But I thought you might need a group field trip with him.”
He peeked his head out to look in and watched as Ren flicked Silver Wolf on the forehead, the girl punching lightly at his arm in retaliation. Is this what he was like with the Stellaron Hunters? He didn’t seem all that different personality-wise, but Dan Heng could tell there was a closeness between them. Even though Ren had chastised Silver Wolf, it was obvious that he would have come to help her regardless of the reason if she asked.
Finally, he stepped into the room with them, clearing his throat to show that he was there. The two of them looked over at him, and Silver Wolf seemed to take that as her signal to hop off her seat and head out.
“Well, I have to do my dailies. Though I doubt it’ll be as entertaining as whatever you’ll talk about,” she said, head already buried into her phone as she strode out of the room. So, this was on purpose then. Realizing that he couldn’t just leave now, Dan Heng leaned on one of the walls, crossing his arms in some sort of self-comfort and defense.
Ren wasn’t saying anything and didn’t seem like he was going to change that any time soon. Although, Dan Heng could sense that the man was thinking about something.
“We’ll be on our way once the healing pod is finished. It hopefully shouldn’t take too long. I’ll stay with her until then to stay out of your way.”
“Why do you care so much about her?” Ren interrupted.
Dan Heng blinked. “About March?”
“Who else would I be talking about.”
Dan Heng shifted his weight to his other leg, already feeling like this conversation was going to turn into another fight.
“She’s a part of the Express,” Dan Heng said. He paused and thought about it for a few seconds. “They’re my family.”
He could see Ren rolling his eyes even though they weren’t beside each other.
Frowning, Dan Heng defended himself. “Don’t act like I’m the only one who has a family in this lifetime. I know you feel the same way about Silver Wolf and Kafka.”
“It’s different,” Ren snapped.
“How?”
“I don’t need to explain what is already obvious.”
A spike of frustration and Dan Heng broke some of the distance between them, coming up just a few feet short. “If I can’t remember, and you won’t tell me, then I have no reason to know. It’s interesting how forward you are with your sword, and how meek you are with your words. If you have something to say, then just say it. I’m tired of this back and forth. I’ve tried my best to be understanding to you despite your every effort to hunt me down and torment me. Even though it scares me, I’ve been trying to learn more about the past. I’m the one who has been trying to move forward and make amends unlike you.”
Ren grabbed him by the collar of his shirt, yanking him closer.
“Trying your best to be understanding? Move forward?” Ren laughed. “Don’t you dare. Hypocrite. Liar.”
Dan Heng pressed his lips together, muted by Ren’s eyes on him.
“You want to move forward, and doing so means leaving everything behind. Leaving me behind. So don’t stand there and claim that you’re the moral one, that you’re the one trying to make amends and live your new life. All it means is that you’ve stopped caring.”
“Why can’t you leave your blame and hatred for him?” Dan Heng nearly pleaded. And the part of him, the one who was afraid and was still fighting to keep that boundary between lives spoke out. “Why does it have to follow me?”
“Because you were supposed to remember! You promised. You promised.”
Ren let go of him as if he were burned.
The two of them stood there together, breathing in a shaken tandem. That memory from earlier was splitting through his head now, bleeding down into his core. And every memory from before, back to the very first that had ever come to him all those years ago.
When he had finally been set free from the Luofu and the pain of his imprisonment, he had done everything to push them out, to treat them no more than mere dreams or nightmares. But since the very beginning, they had been there, slowly creeping from his soul into this lifetime.
He could hear his voice, Dan Feng, ringing.
Why are you running away? From us. From him.
“Tell me,” Ren demanded, voice hoarse. “Why is it me who is still tormented by these memories? Why is it me who has to keep going on when you are given the relief of a blank slate? Why is it me, who still holds on to you while you cast me out in favor of your new friends?”
“Is that it?” Ren asked, a warped smile appearing as if something had clicked. “I was worth so little to you?”
Dan Heng opened his mouth, the words stuck in his throat. He had everything to say, and yet still couldn’t formulate them. Again, that feeling of something hitting the inside of his head.
Ren let out a quiet laugh. Somewhere between acceptance and disbelief. “You were everything,” he said. “My entire life, all of it. And I was just a moment to you?”
Say something.
That voice, his voice. This time it wasn’t speaking from the past, it was here, now. The line he had built in his mind, that barrier between Dan Heng and Dan Feng, was becoming more transparent. He couldn’t stop it, that rush of emotion which now flowed up under his skin.
As much as he wanted to say it was residual, something that existed only in Dan Feng, it was undeniable that despite everything, despite the years of running and fighting and bleeding, he felt something at Ren’s words.
“You’re wrong,” Dan Heng finally said, a breath of admission. He shakes his head once, twice.
“It’s not a blank slate. You know it’s not. Even before the awakening of my powers, I had fragments of Dan Feng’s life. And now,” Dan Heng had to exhale before continuing, seeing how Ren was watching him, mere inches separating them now.
“Now what?” Ren pressed, and he was coming closer, Dan Heng putting his palms on Ren’s chest, a compromise between the conflict of wanting to keep Ren at a distance and wanting to touch and comfort. A blend of fear from this lifetime, and an instinct to protect from the last. He can hear the hidden desperation in Ren’s voice.
“I’m not him. He’s gone,” Dan Heng tried, desperately. The words fell flat though, and Dan Heng knew Ren could tell that too.
“You’re right in front of me.”
Dan Heng lowered his eyes, unable to meet Ren’s until the other man grabbed at his jaw. He pushed Dan Heng’s chin back up, thumb steady there on the skin below his lip. Despite it just being the two of them, Dan Heng’s voice had softened into just above a whisper.
“Those memories do not belong to me. But, regardless, Dan Feng- I do not believe that he abandoned you,” he admitted. “I can still... feel it. His pain. To the very end, you were in his soul, and it was strong enough to where I can still feel those imprints, even in my rebirth.”
“But you are beginning to remember?”
Beginning was not the right word. Perhaps understanding, being able to put names on faces and words on feelings. Yet, Dan Heng was hesitant to admit either. This was the first time they had ever spoken like this in this lifetime, the mara in Ren subdued, and that further mask hiding his emotions now peeling back.
Although it was subtle, Dan Heng could see the traces of want in Ren, the desire that Dan Heng suddenly admit that he was Dan Feng and that he was done hiding.
“I can’t give you what you want. Dan Feng has already paid for his sin. He was tortured and sentenced to rebirth, his existence washed into the past. You may kill me and sentence me to another reincarnation cycle, but it won’t be the retribution you are seeking. It won’t fill the void in your heart.”
Ren gazed at him, and something in Dan Heng’s chest itched at the proximity between them. Perhaps a voice, the one from this life, was telling him to stop now, to stop whatever this was as his own hands slid up from where they were on Ren’s chest, one finding place on the side of the man’s neck and the other cupping his cheek.
“What is it, exactly, that you think I want?” Ren asked as he leaned in, and Dan Heng closed his eyes as he felt Ren’s breath touching just under his jaw.
Tremors rippling up and down his torso, Dan Heng could feel the control leaving, his ability to uphold the disguise slowly fading. Water bubbled around them and the air became cold and damp, drops of it slipping between them as Dan Heng’s hair began to grow, horns materializing upon his head, and the weight of his tail now on his back.
“There you are,” and Ren pressed a kiss against the pulse in his neck, lips moving upwards to the base of his pointed ears which now fluttered from the sensation. Instinctively, part of Dan Heng’s tail loosely wrapped itself around Ren’s ankle, the tip of it thumping against the area periodically.
“You want me dead, don’t you? That’s what all of this is about,” Dan Heng exhaled, pushing his forehead onto Ren’s shoulder as the man’s hands wrapped around the small of his back.
“You still don’t understand,” Ren said, and Dan Heng could sense the mockery in that tone.
Dan Heng tugged once at Ren’s hair in some sort of protest. “I don’t think you understand either.”
Ren pulled back, just enough to where they could look at each other again. His eyes flickered across Dan Heng now, most notably to his now present Vidyadhara features. It was difficult to understand what the man was feeling, and it had been that way ever since his awakening.
Before, Dan Heng had thought the man to be no more than a bitter enemy from the past. And that bitterness was still here, Dan Heng knew it. But there was something else, the two brewing together into a flavor Dan Heng had yet to understand.
“Despite your denial and your hiding,” Ren said, “You’re more like him than you know. You’ve broken your promise to me to remember, but it’s still you.”
“I’m not,” Dan Heng tried. “I was reborn. I have a new life now. And if you want something from me, then let it be from me, not him.”
“Stubborn, prideful. Tell me, Dan Heng,” Ren taunted, “If you are truly reborn, truly a new life which has shed off the skin of your past life, then why do those memories come back to haunt you? Why is it, do you think, that your body responds this way to me?”
Distinctly aware now of his tail, Dan Heng attempted to uncoil it but found himself unable to do so. It was as if his body was fighting against him now, and the futility of it tore at him.
“Your body remembers me, that much is obvious. But you, who is Dan Feng to me no matter what sorry excuse you give, have decided to shut your heart off and abandon me to the past. And so your sin is not just willingly cursing me to eternity, but cursing me to a forever without you.”
A pulsing ache ate at his chest as he looked at Ren. Yingxing.
It was true that a part of him wanted to remember and he was, but he was also afraid to do so. The more he dreamed, the more he came back to the Luofu, the more he saw Ren, the more they flooded in and the distinction he had created in his head weakened. The more he doubted.
As if somehow gathering hints as to what he was thinking, Ren scoffed and backed away from him, tugging his way out of the hold of Dan Heng’s tail.
“Of course. I shouldn’t expect anything different from you. I should have learned that by now.”
Dan Heng thought Ren might retreat entirely back to his room, but the man instead went to the observation window facing out at the Luofu, sitting down.
His ears flicked up and down, his body betraying his attempt to hide his emotions. He still didn’t know how to feel. The part of him that was afraid was relieved that whatever had almost happened between them had been stopped. And every other part of him was regretting it, not telling the full truth, or just allowing the moment to continue. His face burned, still feeling those sensations on his neck. He tried to subdue the rising heat.
Quietly, Dan Heng walked to the window as well, sitting down with a distance between the two. He was unsure what else to say, so he didn’t. Instead, the two silently looked out at what they used to call home. Undeniably, it was beautiful. Yet the image of it had been tinged with sourness. Years ago, Dan Heng had wanted nothing more than to leave that ship and never look back.
“I’ll return you and your companion to the Express tomorrow morning. She should be fine by then,” Ren finally said, the air between them feeling cold.
“Where will you go?” he asked.
“Does that concern you?”
“I’m just asking.”
“I go wherever Elio directs. Where that is, and what I do, is up to him,” Ren finally answered.
“Why would you blindly follow his scripts? What good does that do for you?” Dan Heng asked. Ren didn’t seem the type to follow another person without good reason, without something in it for him.
“Because he made a promise to me.”
“And what did he promise you?”
From the way Ren didn’t say anything and from the scarcity of his own voice, Dan Heng thought for a moment that perhaps his words had been lost. He turned his head to face him, Ren still looking somewhere past the expanse of the Luofu.
It was then that he could see something he had not taken the time to notice before. A sense of exhaustion in Ren. Perhaps not in his body, but further than that. Listlessness, the same way Dan Heng had seen before in those waiting for it to inevitably end. Except the end wouldn’t come this time.
More carefully than Dan Heng had ever heard him, Ren spoke.
“He promised me that my life would end. That my path had an ending. No rebirth. No continuance. Gone, and for eternity.”
“And you believe him?” Dan Heng asked, then regretted when the words came out. The disbelief in his own tone gave away what he thought of the matter. But it was true. Whatever curse Dan Feng had placed into Yingxing all those years ago could not be undone. And the two of them had been punished for the sin and possibly could be for the rest of eternity. Continuance, and rebirth.
“I will fulfill his script until my end. Whatever happens, wherever it takes me, I will see it through,” Ren said.
A pulsing of undeniable heat at his wrist, Dan Heng nearly grasped at the bracer but instead clenched his fingers together.
“Elio promised me that at my end, you would be with me.”
“With you?” He echoed.
“Two deaths, side by side. No continuance, no rebirth.”
~
Dan Heng had read once about stars, in one of the texts that the General had gifted him. About a sky that went on forever, stars filling the dark with light and warmth. He would try to picture what that looked like in his head, what it would be like to look upwards and see an expanse rather than closed walls. What it would be like to feel warmth rather than a cold that pressed through his skin and into flesh and bones.
There were bruises on his wrists and ankles from the chains he wore, and scabs trying to form on his cheeks and tail. The General had told him that once he learned how to hide his scales they wouldn’t be able to hurt him like that again. He had even given him a text about that, about how to use the Cloudhymn magic he had. Dan Heng still didn’t understand but would try his best.
Until then, the guards would still come in once his scales had regrown, and tear them back one by one. Dan Heng would thrash about, trying to pull away although it was useless with the way they would hold him down.
“It’s more entertaining now that he’s like this. Back then he wouldn’t say a word,” one of them would laugh.
And Dan Heng would think to himself, who are you talking about?
Afterward, bloody, he laid himself in the corner of his cell and tried to become as small as he could. Cheeks wet, he closed his eyes.
Seeping into his mind came an image, and then a voice.
Yinyue-jun.
It was a man, and although Dan Heng couldn’t see where they were, he could picture this man there beside him.
Come closer, the night is cold.
And although Dan Heng didn’t know this man’s name, he knew to trust him. In his mind, he let the man hold him, pressing his face into the man’s neck. For the first time, he felt warmth.
And as quickly as the image had come, it faded away.
Slowly, Dan Heng wrapped his arms around himself, trying to remember the feeling of that person.