Chapter Text
It was a rather pleasant day on which Alastor took a stroll towards Cannibal Town. Regardless of the circumstances, visiting Rosie never failed in cheering him up. Still, each time he treaded those well-worn paths, he couldn’t help but let a small inkling of dread rise within him. He recalled his first few weeks in hell and how Rosie helped reorient him—even giving him his first few souls.
All for a simple favor between friends—a favor which she could call in for any reason at any time for anything. Well, he was most likely worrying over nothing. It was Rosie after all; she had probably already forgotten about the favor he owed her. As he was about to knock on the strangely closed door on Rosie’s Emporium, he noticed an odd figure inside—the king of Hell.
Barging into such a regal conversation was probably not the best of ideas, so he stuck his ear to the door, not even risking letting his shadow get detected, and listened. “I trust you understand the dire situation I am in, Rosie,” said the king. “Don’t worry, I know someone just perfect for her,” Rosie responded. Intrigued, Alastor risked peeking through the window again, only to see a young woman sitting next to Lucifer—the princess of Hell—Charlotte Morningstar.
He had seen her only once before—one of the rare times he looked at a picture box, in fact. She was advertising a “Happy” Hotel where she would “redeem” sinners to heaven. Oh, the sheer absurdity of such a notion! But it should’ve proved to be a great source of entertainment. So, he made his way to the hotel, only to find it in flames.
That is when he first saw the king of hell directly—burning his daughter’s passion project to the ground. Well, he did expect such a ridiculous project to go up in flames eventually, just not so soon. That’s when he first saw the princess directly too, kneeling in grief next to the corpse of what looked to be a moth woman, burned almost to ashes. The princess, though, seemed unharmed, at least physically, from the fire. Oh, well, the hotel was entertaining but was far too short-lived, so he made his way back to his regular affairs before the princess even saw him.
Now, over half a year later, as he looked at her from behind the window, she reflected neither the overt cheerfulness of her picture box appearance nor the overwhelming sorrow during the destruction of her hotel. She merely looked to be in a great deal of unease and perhaps even distress. Well, this conversation should prove to be mighty entertaining indeed.
“I don’t want...” the princess tried to protest but was interrupted by her father, “What you want became irrelevant the moment you opened that ridiculous hotel.” Rosie gave a light chuckle and said, “No need to be that harsh. Trust me, darlin’, you’ll be very happy with who I have in mind... or, well, eventually.” The princess looked down in dismay, Rosie’s reaffirming words failing to cheer her up.
“Well, not too happy, I hope,” said Lucifer, “I need someone to break her spirit. ‘Cause trust me, I've tried, and her naivete is just indestructible.” If Alastor had heard those words when he was alive, Lucifer wouldn't have been long for this world. But alas, he was already in the next, and he couldn’t exactly fight an angel, fallen or otherwise.
“Good!” Charlotte said in a spiteful tone. Lucifer scoffed, and Rosie said, “Well, the groom I have in mind will not rest until this sweet little thing is exposed to the reality of hell. But he’s still a sweetheart, deep down. She’ll be well taken care of.” That was not what he had expected. Well, Rosie was the most famous and most successful matchmaker in all of hell. And the king of hell would undoubtedly accept nothing but the best. But still, arranging the marriage of the princess of hell was not what he thought he’d witness that day.
Oh, this was more entertainment he’d had in a minute than the entirety of the previous month. He couldn’t just let such an opportunity go. He should go in and “offer to help.” Then he could stoke the fires, so to speak, and extend the entertainment for as long as possible. He could even tease the poor princess.
He was still a little aggrieved by what her father wanted of her, reminding him more than he’d like of his own father, but he shouldn’t let that bother him; it’s not everyday that there’s an opportunity for such delicious entertainment. So he barged in through the doors into the emporium. He would realize by the end of that day, there would be no decision he would ever regret making more.
All three of them stared at him as soon as he entered—Rosie in excitement, Lucifer in annoyance, and the young princess in something far too similar to apathy. Lucifer asked, “Who the fuck is that?” Rosie gave a delightful smile and replied before he could, “No one but the groom.” What! Alastor’s mind contained nothing in that moment but sheer panic. But he kept up his smile and his composure.
Lucifer broke out into a cautious smile, extending his hand forward as he stood up. He shook the devil’s hand carefully, making sure that it wouldn’t initiate any kind of deal. He then turned to look at the princess, whose face clearly displayed in clear view the shock and horror that he’d been carefully hiding. He was certain she was thinking the same thing he was: What in all of hell was Rosie thinking?
Lucifer said, “So you’ll be the one to tame my little girl.” Alastor gave a light chuckle and said, “I haven’t agreed to such a commitment.” Lucifer said, “Of course, of course, we’ll discuss all the terms beforehand.” Alastor tried to say, “No, that’s not what I...” but Lucifer interrupted him by swiftly turning to Rosie and asking, “Isn’t he on board with this?” Rosie gave one of her scary—well, to everyone but him—grins and said, “Oh, he will be.”
“And what makes you so certain of that, dear Rosie?” Alastor asked before things got a little too entertaining. Lucifer waved at him and said, “Uh, hello! She’s gorgeous, blonde, and a fucking princess. Why wouldn’t you want to marry her exactly?” Alastor rolled his eyes at Lucifer, failing to take the man, who was basically selling his daughter as if at a bazaar by yelling about her rank and looks, seriously.
He then looked at the princess, who still looked to be in apprehension but remained silent. Lucifer continued, “I know she can be a handful. You must’ve seen her ridiculous TV appearance. But I know you can...” He suddenly stopped, turning to Rosie and asking, “Wait, can he actually handle her?” Rosie smiled and said, “There’s no one more suitable.”
“Perfect, then we can...” Lucifer started, but this time he was interrupted by Alastor loudly crackling his radio and then saying, “I have not agreed to anything.” The king of hell, now giving more of a fake smile, said, “Look, if Rosie says you can handle her, you can handle her. And if marrying literal royalty isn’t enough for you, I can sweeten the deal.” He stepped closer to Alastor before continuing.
“I’m the devil after all. Whatever you may desire, it is yours. If you want enough souls to make you the richest overlord in all of Pentagram City, they’re yours. If you want a position of power in my palace, it’s yours. If you want any enemies of yours gone, I’ll make sure the next extermination has a few more specific targets. And all you have to do in return is marry the nicest girl in all of hell and make her just ten percent more hellish. That’s a rather sweet deal, if I do say so myself.”
What did Lucifer think he was? He would never sell himself or be foolish enough to make a deal with the literal devil. So, Alastor said, now with annoyance clear in his tone, “There’s really nothing you can offer me.” Just as Lucifer was again about to make another worthless offer, Rosie interjected, “I was afraid that might be the case. And that’s why I’m not giving you a choice. You do remember the favor you owe me, don’t you, Al?”
No! Why did she invoke the one and only mistake he ever made in hell—owing a favor in exchange for a meager five souls from Rosie, even if they were his first five! And she was so insistent that it be him. There must’ve been thousands of monsters just as bad, perhaps even worse than him in hell, who would’ve more than sufficed to “tame” the princess with brutality and torture.
Lucifer then smirked at him and said, “Oh, so you will have to marry her,” and then made a gesture of fake sobbing as he continued in a mocking tone, “How sad for you!” Alastor then proceeded to give a desperate look to Rosie, who simply ignored him. They had been friends for decades. Why was she doing this? Lucifer then extended his hand towards Rosie, saying, “Five thousand souls, as promised, in exchange for his hand.” Rosie gave a wicked smile and shook the king’s hand, sealing their deal.
Five thousand souls. Five thousand souls! He would’ve given her triple that number if she had just asked nicely. And if she didn’t want to be nice, she could’ve used the favor she was wasting on this to take his whole collection, which just happened to be several orders of magnitude greater than what she was receiving in exchange for dooming his life to an arranged marriage with a naive princess.
He looked at the princess again, and she seemed to be in greater distress than even he. He supposed the thought of marrying him was just that revolting. He then turned back to Lucifer and said, “Are you sure about this? Perhaps we can come to some sort of compromise.” Lucifer smiled and said, “Of course, so long as you marry my daughter, that is.”
For the first time since he arrived in hell, he was truly checkmated. There were no options but to make desperate pleas, so he made them. “Surely you don’t want a stranger to be the future king.” “Oh, don’t worry, I’m immortal, so unless heaven itself decides to get rid of me, you’ll remain a prince.” “Wouldn’t you be better served by a political marriage?” “I’m the king of hell; alliances would make me look weak.” “What makes you so sure I can break her?” “Because Rosie said so.”
Alastor was running out of ideas, but then, ironically enough, the devil himself offered a way out: “Well, I don’t understand why, but you seem to want to get out of this marriage. So, you know what, break my daughter and remake her into the demon I always knew she was meant to be, and I will personally annul your marriage. How about that?” Alastor was about to refuse on principle before he realized this was probably his only hope.
“Fine,” he said in a defeated tone, having been left no choice. He had no idea how exactly he was supposed to break her or why Rosie was so confident in his ability to do so. He might be a monster, but he didn't know how to make monsters. Or at least no more than the princess could redeem sinners just because she was “good” by the arbitrary definitions of heaven. Regardless, he would have to try to turn the most noble soul he had ever seen into a heartless demon. His chances might’ve been slim, but surrendering to an eternity of marriage with the princess would be a far worse fate.
He looked at the princess again, who, for a brief moment, trembled in fear but then regained a far more defiant posture. He then turned to Rosie to say, “We were such great friends, dear. Why are you doing this to me?” Rosie gave a dismissive look and said, “I may be caching in a favor, Al, but trust me, you’ll see one day that I am the one doing you a favor today.”
He scoffed at the absurd prediction. But Lucifer regained his attention by saying, “The wedding will take place the day after tomorrow. Get your affairs in order...” he said, turning to Rosie and saying, “What did you say his name was again?” and after he heard her whisper, he turned back to Alastor, saying, “So, Alastor, as I was saying, all of my previous offers are still on the table; just ask any time. But be prepared for your afterlife to change forever.”
And that’s exactly what he was afraid of. He had become so comfortable in his afterlife in hell that he had begun seeking out entertainment to cure him of his boredom. But they say to be careful with what one wishes for, and that was one proverb he never did take to heart. He would probably not be bored again in a very long time. And he was prepared to do anything, or so he thought, to regain the freedom to be bored again.