Chapter Text
Chil pulled at his jacket as he stepped out onto the street before shoving both hands into the pockets, walking briskly. It was early evening, but it was already pretty damn dark thanks to winter creeping ever closer. He could see his breath under the glow of the streetlights and felt the end of his nose sting a little in the cold. But he paid it no mind, he knew exactly where he was heading, and it wouldn’t be too long outside.
He let out an expletive upon realising that he’d forgotten his cell phone at home, but he couldn’t be bothered to turn back now. He grumbled as he continued on, frustrated with himself. He’d been living alone for long enough now that he should be more independent than he is, he thought to himself.
It had been a few years at this point that he’d downsized from the old family home to this new apartment of his, and all it had really done is forced him to realise how much of the nice decorations and warmth had been due to his wife. It pained him to think too much about what he’d taken for granted. It was always a relief to head out from his new apartment, get away from the unpacked cardboard boxes and bare white walls. Initially he’d seen no point in decorating it with him being away for months at a time and thus not having to look at it, but it was getting to him in his down time. So depressing.
His stomach growled a little. Another issue he’d been facing was that he constantly either forgot or didn’t bother to eat full meals, now that no one was around to remind him. He wasn’t a fan of cooking at the best of times and now it was to feed no one but himself he didn’t see the point. Not that this mattered tonight, however, he knew he’d get something good to eat. Senshi’s good like that.
The two of them meeting had been such a casual thing, Chil felt he couldn’t return to his usual pub after his wife moved out, he didn’t want the regulars asking questions or prying into his private life. And so, he decided to try out another place for his “social” drinking. It was more modern than he liked, and it served food which always meant there’d be families there which he could do without, but there was alcohol, and it was cheap, so he could do a lot worse. It made him feel a little more functional to be drinking at a bar rather than sat at home.
He reminisced about the night where he stepped foot into this new space for the first time and peered around. It was a bustling, lively place, but he found a stool by the bar regardless and sat down. It seemed, as he’d expected, that most were here for the food, but he didn’t really mind.
The experience of seeing the man behind the bar for the first time was equal measures exciting and unpleasant. He’d secretly known since his teens that he was on some level attracted to men as well as women, but he’d done his best to bury it in favour of a more traditional life. Well, as traditional as you could be when you had your first kid in your teens. Yet now, many years on, he found himself trying hard not to stare at the stocky, bearded figure in front of him, transfixed by muscular arms and a handsome face.
It was unpleasant to him because he had no idea what to do with it, if there was anything he could do with it, that is. Statistically speaking, Chil thought, it was unlikely the guy was interested in men, and even if he was, there was no way he’d be into a washed-up beanpole who couldn’t be bothered to shave that morning. Chil would just have to steal glances and pretend it was the alcohol causing his face to burn.
Slowly over time though, the crush had softened. It certainly hadn’t dulled, as much as Chil had hoped for initially, but it was warmer, more comfortable. While his initial attraction was a physical one, he found he clicked well with the other man’s personality as well, which was a rarity for him. He enjoyed the conversations he had with Senshi, and he found himself looking forward to seeing him, though he didn’t want to do so too often as every visit meant fairly heavy drinking and he didn’t want the man to get concerned. He was content with their “relationship” as it was, he didn’t want his personal issues or feelings getting in the way of things.
Chil pulled himself from his thoughts as he found himself in front of the pub, night having somehow fallen already. He could see through the streetlights that it was an older building with red bricks and dark green tiling out front, but it had obviously been renovated. It wasn’t dusty and cold like his old haunt; Senshi had put a lot of work into making it feel welcoming. He sighed and stepped through the front door.
To Chil’s surprise, the inside was a lot quieter than it was usually, with only a smattering of folks sat around tables, chatting quietly. The entire bar space was empty while Senshi stood behind it, cleaning a glass. Chil leaned over the counter.
“Senshi! Good to see you.”
Senshi looked up and beamed, placing the glass down behind the bar and throwing his hands open in greeting.
“Chil! It’s been too long, how have ye been?”
“Oh, you know, same old...” Chil settled in his seat and rested his head on his palm. Senshi nodded, knowing from past experience that he wasn’t going to get a whole lot more out of him.
“I’m guessing ye’d like something to drink…?”
“Oh, of course, a lager would be fantastic, thank you.”
Chil watched with a soft smile as Senshi worked the taps, pouring him a pint of lager with the perfect level of froth on top. He took the glass from him with another quiet thanks and took a sip. He always enjoyed that first sip, it was the excuse he needed to allow himself to contemplate thoughts he wouldn’t dare to otherwise.
Like how he’d decided that this pub was home to him, not his apartment. It was the place he got to spend time with Senshi, the place where someone tended to him and listened to him talk, someone looked at him like he was a good person, seemed genuinely happy to see him. It was so quiet at home, so dull, and work was a distraction but nothing more. He asked Senshi how things had been since last he visited and settled in comfortably to listen to his rambling response.
The night passed too quickly, as always, and once again he drank too much. Maybe a little more than usual even. He was talking about something or other, he wasn’t sure what, and his words weren’t quite coming out right anyway. The other patrons gradually filtered out, leaving Chil and Senshi alone. Chil didn’t quite notice the other man’s concerned look until he suddenly spoke.
“Chil, do ye think ya want to stay here tonight? I’m worried about ye making your way home…”
Chil went quiet, his eyes trying to focus on Senshi. He wasn’t sure what to feel. With anyone else he would’ve been livid, how fucking dare someone suggest he couldn’t take care of himself, couldn’t hold his booze… But this was Senshi, and had he been more sober the offering of staying the night would’ve left him bright red. Adding onto that, he felt bad for worrying the guy, and a little concerned he’d overdone it this time, further questions would be asked. He decided he’d have to cut it here, leave, go home, wait a couple weeks maybe, or forever, who knows.
“I’m fine, Senshi, don’t worry…” He muttered, trying his best to sound sober, before shakily standing up from his seat. He was a few inches taller than the other man, but he was used to that, he had a fine crick in his back thanks to the years of curling up to meet people halfway. He turned, took a few steps, and promptly fell to the ground like a sack of potatoes.
He heard Senshi quickly move from behind the bar towards him, and then he felt his strong arms wrap around him to hoist him back to his feet. Somehow the man was able to pick him up with relative ease, which didn’t help Chil’s conflicting feelings. He couldn’t do much to fight as Senshi turned him around to face him, a sterner look on his face.
“Chil.” He made constant eye contact, Chil staring shakily back. “I’m telling ye this as yer friend, ye drank too much tonight and I’m worried. I’ve got a spare bedroom upstairs that’s open to ye. I just want ye to be safe, that’s all.”
Chil went a little limper in Senshi’s arms and sighed. The room was still spinning whenever he looked anywhere but directly at Senshi, and while the walk home wasn’t too long, it was enough to be a challenge at his level of intoxication. Plus, seeing Senshi’s apartment did sound tempting. He was curious about how the other man lived, if it was as warm and comfortable as the pub downstairs, maybe even more so. When would he get a chance like that again, anyhow?
“…Alright…” He muttered, trying to sound apologetic. Senshi sighed in relief and started to carefully lead him out through a staff door and up a flight of stairs.
The upstairs wasn’t particularly big, but it was certainly nice. With herbs drying on strings on some of the walls and throw blankets draped over any comfortable surface, he felt as though he’d stepped back in time. It wasn’t as decorated up here as it was downstairs, but there were family photos dotted about, especially on the fridge. The fridge? Oh, seems Senshi was leading him into the kitchen…
Senshi let Chil go, letting him balance himself on the wall while he stepped over to the stove. He saw Chil looking at the photos on the fridge and smiled, pointing at a particular one showing him with a young girl with pale skin and messy, short black hair, a sour expression on her face. “That’s my niece, isn’t she sweet?”
Chil smiled. “Cute…”
Senshi paused for a moment before returning to his station “Before I let ye rest, ye should eat something, help absorb some of the alcohol.” He said, focus slipping into the task at hand.
Chil writhed a little in discomfort, realising why he was feeling as drunk as he was. He’d intended on eating dinner in the pub that night and as such hadn’t bothered with either breakfast or lunch, and then dinner had slipped his mind as he chatted and drank. Drinking on an empty stomach never ended well. But his stomach also turned at the idea of eating now, he felt as though it’d just cause him to throw up. The alcohol was already messing with his system, suddenly adding food to the mix seemed like a bad idea.
“I, uh, I don’t need anything, Senshi.” Senshi stopped what he was doing and turned to face him, looking concerned again.
“What do ye mean, Chil? Ye certainly do, nothing better goes with a night of drinking than a good meal…”
Chil writhed again “I can’t eat, I’d be sick.”
“Ye drank that much, lad?”
“I uh, I usually can hold my liquor.” Chil still somehow felt the need to protect his ego, for a moment at least, before finally giving in “But I didn’t eat today, so…”
Senshi went silent, just staring at the other man. Chil couldn’t think of anything else to say, so he just continued to lean on the wall, trying not to look too guilty. He could feel Senshi’s eyes digging a hole through him, though in this drunken state he couldn’t really gauge intent.
“No wonder yer so thin…”
“Hey now… I’m just tall, makes me look skinny.” Chil muttered. Senshi just shook his head and stepped closer.
“Good nutrition is deeply important, you know. Getting enough food in, making sure it’s a good variety. Keeps ye feeling more alert, puts weight on yer bones, makes ye happier…” Chil certainly felt like that last comment was a little too personal. How open of a book was he? He’d certainly tried to keep up a vaguely content appearance. Yet somehow Senshi seemed to know he wasn’t doing well. He curled up a little into himself, looking a little guilty.
“I know, I know I should be eating better. Just not good at doing that by myself, is all.” He muttered, in disbelief at how honest he was suddenly being. He couldn’t help it, in reality he wished he could tell Senshi everything, maybe a tight hug from those big arms would heal him…
“Ye live alone, Chil?” Senshi replied, tone softening slightly. Chil could feel the pity, he wasn’t a big fan of pity.
“Since the wife and kids left, eeyup.” He grumbled, half hoping the sudden openness would alienate Senshi and half hoping it’d cause that hug to happen that he wanted so desperately. Alas, Senshi just stood there, rather surprised. The tense silence continued.
“…I’m sorry to hear that.”
Chil didn’t want to admit it through the grimace, but he felt as though he could cry. Here he was once again, trying to alienate those close to him, build a defensive wall between them and him. And for what? So that he could keep living this dull, empty life. Suddenly the alcohol in his veins that made his legs weak, and his head spin now also allowed tears to well up in his eyes where his sober self never would’ve let them. Senshi stepped forwards upon seeing this and on instinct pulled the man into a tight bear hug. Chil simply melted into it, he had no other choice.
“Mph, I love you, Senshi.”
Ohh, fuck. Did he say that out loud? Chil felt a knot in his stomach as he replayed the moment in his head, hoping it was his imagination. He waited nervously, dreading a response. For a few moments, Senshi simply stood there, bewildered. There had been a lot to take in this evening and he wasn’t sure what to do with it. Chil was far too drunk to be taken too seriously, but that statement certainly complicated things.
From Senshi’s perspective, he’d met a new patron a few years back now, and the two had become close friends. The patron was a tall, lanky gentleman who always showed up in old, worn clothing and at least a five ‘o’clock shadow, and as sunken as his features were, he could see he was handsome. There was certainly something not quite right about him, something just beneath the surface, and he definitely drank too much, but he was kind and always listened with glistening eyes as Senshi spoke, which was a welcome change from how dismissive or even aggressive customers could sometimes be. Chil only showed up once a week at most and disappeared for months at a time, but he was always a welcome face and a comforting presence.
And now here he was in his arms, drunk as anything, having just proclaimed his love for him. He didn’t know what to do.
“A-ah, I…” He stuttered, eyes wide and face a little red. “…Do you mean it?”
Chil felt the pit in his stomach grow, twisting anxiously, almost certainly made worse by his hunger. No going back now though.
“Yeah, I do.” He muttered, resting his head on Senshi’s shoulder, face gently brushing against the other man’s beard. It felt pleasant, and he wanted to make the most of it before he got pushed away and kicked out. He waited for that to happen, but the two continued to stand like that in the kitchen, Senshi staying quiet, but not getting angry either. Chil’s mind began to race, what was happening?
“Now, Chil” Senshi suddenly spoke, his voice so quiet it was almost a whisper. “I don’t know how sincere yer being, being as drunk as you are, but… I’m not opposed...” He squeezed Chil tighter, resting his head on him in return.
Chil felt like he was dreaming. This moment was surreal, made all the more disorientating by his intoxication, though it was finally starting to recede. He lifted his arms up and gingerly placed them around Senshi, feeling how solid the other man was, how much wider. Chil might’ve been the taller of the two, but he was smaller in a lot of ways, certainly not helped by how thin he’d become.
They stood like this for a few minutes, both feeling like they’d finally found something they’d been missing for a very long time, basking in each other’s warmth. Chil nestled a little closer to the crook of Senshi’s neck, burying his face further into his beard. He might’ve figured out his attraction to men a long time ago, but his appreciation of facial hair was a newer discovery brought on by Senshi. Senshi didn’t mind, he was just enjoying the embrace.
He gave a quick squeeze and then stepped back out of the hug, walking over towards the bread bin. Chil suddenly felt cold without Senshi beside him. He watched as Senshi took out a bun, sliced it neatly in half and buttered it.
“Eat this at least…” Senshi whispered, holding it out to him. “For me?”
Chil’s heart fluttered as he took the bun, suddenly feeling hungry. So hungry that initially he felt as though he could eat much more, but as he finished, he could feel he’d hit a limit of some kind. He might not have felt quite as drunk as he’d done so earlier, but his stomach was still feeling sensitive.
“Thank you, Senshi.” He whispered in return as Senshi smiled and stood beside him, putting one arm around him to keep him steady as he led him over to the guest room.
Stepping into the cosy room, Chil could feel his weary body getting drawn to the bed, tempted by the soft blankets and plush pillows. He realised as he stepped forwards however that he could smell the booze on his jacket, as well as the remnants of the scent of a cigarette he’d had earlier. He didn’t want to dirty the bedsheets, so he carefully tried to take his jacket off. Succeeding in this, he decided to also forgo the shirt, it was probably dirty too. This proved more challenging, as it got stuck while he pulled it over his head, leaving his arms tangled and his face covered.
He didn’t notice the world was sliding out from under him until he landed in Senshi’s arms, Senshi having leaped out forwards to catch him as he fell. He helped him escape his shirt and quickly folded both items of clothing and placed them on the dresser. A sigh escaped him as he looked at Chil’s malnourished frame.
“I’ll cook ye a real good breakfast in the morning, Chil.”
Chil smiled, stepping out towards Senshi, who had made his way closer to the door now that things had settled.
“Thank you, Senshi.” He could only smile, holding the door frame for a bit of stability as he swayed. He could feel his inhibitions continue to slip away.
Taking the opportunity, he leaned forward and tried to plant a gentle kiss on Senshi’s lips, though it turned more into an affectionate faceplant. Senshi seemed to have predicted this and took it in stride, pressing softly into the kiss and gently grabbing Chil’s upper arm, his hand easily wrapping around it. Chil grinned into the kiss, the sensation of thick facial hair against his lips feeling ticklish and a strong hand around his arm making him feel a little giddy.
After a moment, much to Chil’s dismay, Senshi pulled away from the kiss, though he continued to hold him.
“Not while yer drunk, Chil…” Chil nodded, understanding his point, as much as he really wanted to be held and loved on and kissed and... That’s fantasy, it was moving too fast, and maybe he’d feel differently in the morning. Maybe Senshi would feel differently in the morning. Chil shook this thought from his mind and smiled again to Senshi.
“Ssso, this is goodnight?”
Senshi smiled in return, reaching up to give Chil another peck on the lips. “G’night, Chil. Sleep well…” before heading off further down the corridor, presumably to his own room.
There’d almost certainly be a lot to discuss in the morning, which Chil was certainly dreading, but for now? For now, Chil retired to a plusher bed than usual and dozed off into a deep sleep with thoughts of how warm and soft Senshi had been swimming through his head, confident in knowing that whatever the case, Senshi’s cooking would fix the horrendous hangover he was going to wake up with tomorrow…
Man, where did he leave his phone again?