Chapter Text
No one had ever told him that grief had a flavor. A taste.
Alec was a shadowhunter. One of the most famous of his age. And the life of a shadowhunter, especially one who lived through times and wars such as theirs, wasn't easy. Shadowhunters grew up knowing that their life could be cut short on them at any moment. Every patrol, every mission, every time they strapped on a seraph blade and stepped out the doors, they knew they ran the risk of never coming back home. They knew that every person they saw within the walls of their Institute could be gone within the blink of an eye.
Life wasn't permanent. The life of a shadowhunter even less so.
In his few short years Alec had grieved and mourned and lost so many different people. Some close to him, some not so much. He'd felt the sting of their absence. The sharp ache of grief that never lessened, no matter how many times he'd experienced it. It'd only gotten worse when he'd become Acting Head, and then Head of the Institute. Because every single life lost was one that came with the knowledge that he'd sent them out there.
Alec had held countless grieving widows, siblings, children, as they mourned the loss of their loved one. He'd made notification after notification. Set up so many funeral rites. He'd donned the white of his people and felt the surge of angelic energy from those left behind as a Silent Brother helped their departed pass into the arms of the angels. He'd lifted his voice in the language of their people, the language of angels, and sang them home.
Yet none of that had prepared him for this. Nothing he'd ever gone through had prepared him for the pain that came from sitting at his husband's bedside, holding tight to a hand that was so preternaturally still, empty of the rings and the life and the magic that usually kept them moving in a beautiful dance Alec could spend lifetimes watching.
Nothing had prepared him for the sharp, bitter taste of grief, of guilt, that burned the back of his tongue and left the taste of ashes in his mouth.
Alec bowed his head over Magnus' hand and tried to breathe past the taste of it. He tried to find the strength he'd always found in these moments. The one that would enable him to get up, go, find some sort of solution.
Only... this time, there didn't seem to be a solution. This time, not even the people who he'd counted on to keep the faith seemed to be able to hold on to their hope.
This time, Alec didn't know what to do.
A soft knock pulled him out of his thoughts. He didn't raise his head. “Come in.”
The door opened and the click-click of heels had him tensing. It could've been anyone – there were a few women in his life who might come in here – but he had years of practice at recognizing that sound. Normally, Alec would've smiled, or relaxed. But now he could only tense as he listened to his sister come closer.
When her hand settled on his shoulder, it took everything he had not to shrug her off. “Alec...”
“No,” he cut in sharply. The last thing he wanted to hear were more platitudes, more excuses. “You all said your piece, Iz. I don't wanna hear it.”
Her hand squeezed ever so slightly. Whether she meant it to, or it was in response to the sharp anger and the pain that he couldn't keep out of his voice, he doubted even she knew. “I know this is hard, Alec. We all do. We're all hurting too.”
The idea of that had Alec fighting back a scoff. “None of you are the ones sitting here at his bedside, are you? You're not the one whose husband has been in a coma for nearly three weeks. You're not...” His words cut off, strangled in his throat, unable to say out loud what they all knew. You're not the one who should've been hurt instead.
This time Isabelle's hand squeeze was definitely deliberate. A grounding point against the maelstrom of pain that ripped Alec apart. “This isn't your fault.”
“Yeah?” Alec finally lifted his head and turned his gaze up toward her. He knew the look that was on his face. Knew that his masks were nowhere in sight. All the guilt, all the pain, it was written there in the bags under his eyes, the lines that hadn't been there just a few weeks ago. Grief aged a person unlike anything else. Especially grief like this. “I think we both know better than that.”
Isabelle shook her head, eyes so full of sympathy and understanding and love that it almost hurt. “Magnus wouldn't want this.”
The sound that came from Alec was too broken to be called a laugh. He turned and looked back down at the face of the man he loved, a man he'd promised to love and cherish for the rest of his days, and he knew his sister was right. Just as he knew it wouldn't change a thing. Nor would Magnus be any different if their roles were reversed. While Alec might have doubted a lot of things over the course of their relationship, one thing he could never deny, not anymore, was just how much the other man loved him. Even if Alec didn't understand why, he knew Magnus felt it.
“He wouldn't give up on me,” Alec said quietly.
“That doesn't mean you need to kill yourself trying to fix this.”
There were too many arguments Alec could've made to that. He didn't say any of them. He knew Isabelle was trying to help.
“We've done everything we can,” Isabelle went on, her voice quieter now, gentler. Her other hand came up so that she stood directly behind him, hands braced on his shoulders. Instead of bringing comfort, it just left him feeling pinned. “We've tried every magic out there. Even... even Catarina says there's nothing she can do. No one at the Spiral Labyrinth has found anything.”
Hearing all those things stated so bluntly had Alec flinching. He knew them, had heard the arguments over and over throughout the past few days as everyone debated what should happen next, what their next move could be. And he'd sat there and listened to the silence when they'd all realized that there were no next moves. They'd tried everything they could try.
Well, almost everything.
“Alec?”
Isabelle's voice broke into his thoughts again, only this time there wasn't that same strong conviction. There was a hesitance that hadn't been there before. No doubt she'd felt him tense under her hold and was bracing for whatever it was. Isabelle had once been one of the people who knew him best. Having Magnus in his life had changed that, but it hadn’t taken away her knowledge. No doubt she recognized that he’d thought of something.
He thought for a second about speaking up. About voicing the idea that had been growing in his head the past few days as all their other options dwindled away. But something held him back. Worry, maybe, that the others wouldn’t agree. Or that they’d insist on coming along.
Alec turned Magnus' hand over and brought it up so he could press a kiss against the back of it. Then he laid it back down and carefully tucked the blankets around him. “Will you stay with him for me?” The idea of leaving Magnus here alone hurt. He didn't want him to be alone.
“Where are you going?”
He could hear the suspicion in Isabelle’s voice and ignored it, pulling away from her to rise up from his chair. “Out. I won't be long.”
Isabelle reached out and caught his arm once he was upright. When Alec turned toward her, her eyes were sharp and worried and knowing. “What are you planning, hermano?”
Alec brought his free hand up and laid it over hers. For a split second he hesitated, wanting to confide in his sister and ask her help. But, no. She'd never agree to this. None of them would. And Alec... he couldn't just give up on Magnus. Not without trying every single avenue out there. Even the ones everyone else might consider too dangerous.
He offered her a smile. A small, soft one that was a pale imitation of his normal smiles. “Nothing, Iz. Just gonna go get some fresh air.”
Isabelle didn't look happy. Nor did she look like she believed him. “Don't do anything stupid,” she said sharply. Her grip on his arm tightened sharp enough that he wouldn't be surprised to find indents from her nails. “Promise me, Alec. Promise me you're not thinking of doing something stupid.”
Alec pulled his arm out of her grip, his smile a little steadier this time, and bent down to press a kiss to her forehead. Then he turned to give Magnus one last look before he pivoted on his heel and headed for the door. “I'll be back soon.”
“Alec!”
The last thing he heard was Isabelle calling his name.
“You don't have to come with us, you know.”
Magnus twisted around just enough to give Alec a dry look. It should've been slightly diminished by the fact that the man in question was standing on a New York subway holding on to the overhead rope like he did this sort of thing every day. It never failed to get to Alec, seeing Magnus do something so simple, so mundane. To him, there was nothing about Magnus that was simple or mundane.
Even now, after years together, he still found himself stopping and staring every now and then. Marveling at the fact that this man had chosen him. Had chosen him out of all the people Magnus could've picked from.
“Do you really think you're going to convince me not to come?” Magnus asked, his tone just as dry as his look. “The last time I let the two of you out unsupervised, you ended up getting kidnapped and almost married.”
Alec snorted out a laugh even as Jace huffed.
“It's not our fault,” his parabatai argued. “How were we supposed to know about some stupid old fae ceremony that hasn't been used in the last five hundred years?”
Alec elbowed Jace and shot him a glare with no real heat to it. “It definitely wasn't our fault.” The blame for that one had lay solely at Jace's feet. Him and his inability to see a pretty girl and not flirt with her, despite the fact that he was very happily engaged to Clary, who wouldn't hesitate to kick his ass if he ever really tried to step out on her. They all knew Jace's flirting wasn't serious, though. It was how he talked. He never meant anything by it. Hell, he did it with Magnus all the time just to fuck with him.
But the fae in question had taken it a little more seriously than Jace meant, and the whole situation had blown up into something that had necessitated Magnus coming to the rescue. A fact he wasn't shy about throwing in Jace's face. Or Alec's, if it meant he won the argument.
“My point stands,” Magnus said, smirk firmly in place. He turned back around, his grip on the subway rope casual and yet firm enough that he was clearly ready if the train should suddenly jerk.
Jace muttered under his breath, probably cursing Magnus in his head.
Alec caught Magnus' eye and grinned when the other man winked.
It wasn't hard, slipping away from the loft. The others had all been busy when Alec came out, and it wasn't the first time he'd gone to take a walk while someone sat with Magnus. He rarely stayed gone long, he couldn't bring himself to. But it was the compromise they'd come up with after Catarina threatened to magically knock him out if he didn't step away or try and get some rest every now and again.
Alec hadn't fought too hard against it. Not when he knew they were right. He did need to step away every now and again. Sitting there, holding tight to a hand that would never move again, never reaching back for him, it was enough to drive anyone crazy.
This time was different, though. This wasn't Alec walking away to take a brief break. This was him walking away with the intention of not coming back until either Magnus was healed or he could honestly say that every avenue had been tried.
Alec didn't give anyone a chance to stop him. He didn't allow himself to hesitate, or give Isabelle the time she needed to step out and tell someone what she thought he might be doing. As soon as Alec was outside, he pulled out his stele and activated his speed rune, his glamour, and his anti-tracking rune. Then he twisted around and took off like a shot into the night.
It took him no time at all to reach his destination. Alec didn't slow down once. He didn't waste any time. They'd already wasted so much. Alec was done wasting time.
They’d gone to warlock after warlock after warlock for help. They’d begged the Elders and received some of the finest healers out there. Catarina had called in every favor she could to get anyone to come and look at Magnus. Hell, Isabelle had even reached out to her seelie contacts to see if they might have anything. But there was one group of people they hadn’t asked.
Alec finally slowed his steps as dirt gave way to rock, and the trees in front of him thinned out enough for him to get a glimpse of the night sky. The sounds of the city lay far behind him. Here, on the very edge of humanity and nature, was where Alec paused and drew in a deep breath.
Traveling to the seelie realm meant going to a very specific bridge, climbing over the edge, and jumping down into the water. There, the magic between the realms was thin, and jumping in would take you from one place to the next, landing you perfectly dry on the other side.
However, traveling to the unseelie realm required something a little more.
Alec stood at the very tallest point of the Palisades and stared out at the view in front of him. With the moon out and only barely hidden behind the clouds it still managed to light up the water below, gleaming out in front of the dark trees that lined the shore. It was a beautiful sight. One Alec could appreciate if only he didn't have such important things on his mind.
Tonight, he wasn't here to admire the view.
Tonight, he was here for one thing and one thing only.
There were no runes to draw. No spells to say or magic that needed done. Just a leap of faith. Closing his eyes, Alec sent up a prayer to all the angels, hoping that one of them might hear him and grant him this. Then, without ever opening his eyes, he leapt.
Magnus and Jace bickering had become a familiar backdrop to their missions. It was one of those things that Alec had quickly grown used to. Granted, he didn't go out on missions all that often anymore. Not since his life had changed so much. Being the official, fully vested Head of the New York Institute took up most of his free time, and what little he had leftover he wasn't as eager as he'd once been to fill it all with patrols and training. He had something so much better to go home to.
Still, every now and again Alec went out for a mission, and it wasn't unusual for Magnus to tag along. Nor was it unusual for him and Jace to bicker as they went.
“Anyone ever tell you you’re overprotective?” he heard Jace ask, and even without turning Alec could tell his parabatai was grinning. “This isn't even like, anything serious. We're not going after some rogue demon summoner or a whole nest of nasties. It's a weird demon report follow-up. We can handle this without the High Warlock tagging along.”
The look Magnus sent Jace's way was one Alec was intimately familiar with. One eyebrow arched high, lips curled just a little bit, eyes glittering in amusement and annoyance. “You'd think so, wouldn't you?”
Jace snorted. “You're ridiculous.”
“And you're annoying,” Magnus shot back, in the tone of someone who'd had this particular argument many a time. “You'd think after all these years you'd learn.”
“What? That you're secretly a giant, overprotective dork underneath all the glitter?”
Alec tuned out the rest of it as he focused ahead of them, searching the area for any signs of the demonic activity that had pinged their radar. It really wasn't anything serious, nor something that he felt required more than just a couple shadowhunters to check out.
The only reason he and Jace were out here doing it was because everyone else was on patrols or enjoying their time off, and Alec, well, he mostly just needed to get out of the Institute and stretch his legs a little. He'd been trapped behind his desk for too long. This was the perfect opportunity to get out and enjoy some fresh air, maybe see remnants of some sort of demon, and then report back. Once they grabbed some dinner, that is.
This wasn't even a serious report. Sometimes they got strange pings in the system that said demon but ended up being nothing. While Alec was pretty sure that's what this was, he'd still come prepared, just in case.
“Alec, duck!” Jace shouted.
Years of training and experience had Alec dropping down automatically, his body going to one knee and his bow up, arrow notched and ready, even as he spun around to face whatever threat might have popped up behind him.
A blast of sparks hit the demon sailing over Alec, disintegrating it into nothing just seconds after it passed over him.
The sound of clicking, chittering, scrambling demons echoed around them, and the angelic energy inside of Alec gave a little buzz at the sudden close proximity of more than just a few demons.
“You were saying?” Magnus asked, shifting his feet to widen his stance a little. He lifted his hands, summoning magic around them in preparation for what was coming their way.
Jace's low “Bite me” was the last thing Alec heard before demons descended on them.
There was no transition between the jump and Alec landing on the other side. One minute he was in the mortal realm, the next he was landing lightly on his toes in the middle of a forest clearing. The sun was down and the moon was out, its silvery light revealing the small clearing around him. Trees with bark that looked to be black, with deep, rich purple leaves, stood all around him in a perfect circle, the night hiding whatever lay in wait within the darkness of the forest.
The grass waved in a breeze he could feel. One that was chilled, somehow both light and yet heavy, and thick with that prickle of something that Alec had only ever felt in the seelie realm. Only, where the seelie realm felt strangely welcoming, like the warmth of the ocean with all the hidden dangers lurking just out of sight, this place felt... dark. Like a storm was coming.
Alec drew in a deep breath and forced his muscles to relax. He was here now. He'd made his choice. And there was no backing down.
He turned himself around, trying to figure out where to start. Where did he go in all of this?
As soon as he had that thought he caught a glimpse of something out of the corner of his eye. Alec turned and then froze for a moment, staring at a path he knew hadn't been there just a few seconds ago. Then he shook his head. “Right.” Strange paths appearing out of nowhere; that was pretty on par for the fae realms. Unfortunately, it was just as likely that the path would take him along a never-ending trail through the forests than to actually lead him anywhere. But that was one of the risks one took in coming here.
For Magnus, he reminded himself. You’re doing this for Magnus.
That reminder helped Alec to take that first step forward, and then another, and then another. He followed the path into the forest and prayed that he wasn't making a big mistake.
Leaves rustled behind him. When Alec turned to look, he found only trees and the path behind him, the opening to the clearing gone.
Alec forced himself to turn back around. Without looking behind him, he once more set off down the path, trusting to the moonlight peeking through the trees to light his way.