Cake

by Stillpink

Summary:

Penelope is grieving the loss of her father.

Colin is lost after his broken engagement.

When they offer one another forbidden comfort, they must face the consequences together.

Notes:

• For LightLeadingMe.

For Lainy Lains, thank you for understanding that I only act out because I need your love.

Chapter 1

Penelope eyed the refreshments suspiciously. 

 

They appeared innocent enough. Finger sandwiches, sliced delicately. Biscuits, a favourite of Colin’s. And little cakes, with butter icing, that used to melt in her mouth. The Bridgertons’ cook was unparalleled of course, adding to her own mama’s jealousy.

 

But today, and every day this week, the mere scent of the bread on the sandwiches was enough to turn her stomach. The thought of bringing a biscuit to her mouth made her wish to run from the room. Even the cloying sweetness of sugar in her tea brought on a wave of nausea.

 

She tried to focus on the portrait above the fireplace instead, allowing the happy chatter of the Bridgertons to fade into a cheerful hum in the background. She tried to breathe. But then Gregory brought up the fish he had caught earlier that day on the lake, and threatened to put the skin beneath Hyacinth’s pillow that night, and before she could contain herself she was moaning a quiet please excuse me and racing from the room.

 

She was still emptying the contents of her stomach when she heard Violet knocking on the door. 

 

“Penelope, dear? Do you need assistance?”

 

Penelope dabbed at her mouth with a dry cloth and called back weakly. “I believe I should retire.”

 

She could hear Violet murmuring to someone on the other side of the door, presumably a servant. Penelope rose and opened the door, certain that she still looked pale, but well able to return to the bedchamber she was occupying during her time as a guest at Aubrey Hall.

 

Colin stood beside his mother, scowling at the ground. Their eyes met for a brief moment, and his eyes softened with concern.  Penelope took a step back, embarrassed at being seen this way, but Violet was already ushering her away and up the stairs, away from him.

 

“ You are accompanying me?” Penelope asked weakly. “Do you not wish to call for my maid?”

 

“You are ill, my dear,” Violet said as if that explained anything at all. But Penelope supposed that to her, it did. She was not the type of mother who left her children’s care entirely to the servants. And to Penelope’s continual shock and delight, Violet treated her as a daughter, ever since her father’s untimely death at the end of the season. 

 

______

 

It was Colin who had arranged it, she learned much later. He had appeared at her home a full three days after he had been meant to leave for his tour. 

 

But that was not the only source of her confusion. 

 

How could he bring himself to call upon this house, to reacquaint himself with the drawing room where he had spent so many hours wooing her cousin? And to return, knowing as he must that her family had been involved in the deception? 

 

Only a truly kind man could have borne it, merely to offer his condolences to a childhood friend.

 

“How are you, Penelope?” he asked when all the rituals and ceremonies of greeting one another had been completed. She had offered him tea, and she could see that he accepted simply to give her something to do with her hands beside wringing them in the lap of her black gown. 

 

Looking into his slate blue eyes, she found herself answering honestly. 

 

“I do not know,” she said, pausing for thought. “I am either so filled with sadness I fear it will never end, or completely empty.”

 

Colin nodded softly as if what she said was to be expected, and perhaps it was. Eloise had been a dear, comforting her and holding her and distracting her with talk of books. But it was a relief to realise that she had Colin as well, at least until he left for his tour.

 

“When do you leave town?” he asked when she seemed prepared to speak again.

 

“We will remain here,” Penelope replied. “There are many arrangements to be made and Mama is quite overwhelmed.”

 

Colin’s eyes clouded with concern and something else less familiar but he didn’t speak, only reached for her hand and squeezed. He had never touched her outside of the dance they shared and for a moment, she could feel again. 

 

“Penelope!”

 

A sharp reprimand broke the brief respite and Penelope was faced with her mother. Colin dropped her hand and she felt as though she had been dipped in a frigid bath.

 

“Surely Mister Bridgerton has more important things to do than listen to your endless complaints.” She turned to Colin with an ingratiating smile. “You must forgive my daughter for her imposition. At times she forgets that company is only being polite.”

 

Colin’s jaw tightened but he replied cordially enough. “You are mistaken. I always enjoy any time your daughter is willing to pass with me. However, I won’t impose on you any longer. My sincerest condolences to you both.”

 

He had taken his leave then, but not an hour later her mother had received a call from Lady Bridgerton inviting Penelope to Aubrey Hall for the summer. Her mother had accepted the invitation on her behalf gladly, grateful to be free of Penelope’s presence.

 

______

 

The worst of the nausea had passed but she was still so very tired , as though heavy weights had been attached to every limb. So she slept the afternoon away, until footsteps coming down the corridor woke her.

 

She sat up in bed, realising that the bright sunshine of afternoon had given way to the more faded hues of twilight. A light knock preceded Lady Bridgerton’s entry to her room. The kind lady had a somber set to her mouth that Penelope had never seen before.

 

“Good evening,” said Penelope. “I apologise for sleeping the day away.”

 

“It is quite alright, my dear,” said her host as she took a seat in the finely upholstered chair next to the bed. “I fear we have more pressing concerns.”

 

Penelope wrinkled her brow. “I feel much improved now. My health is in little danger, I should think.”

 

Lady Bridgerton paused, seeming to weigh her words carefully. “Penelope, I must ask you something rather delicate.”

 

Penelope’s heart raced, wondering if one of her secrets had been discovered. And if so, which one. She crossed her arms over her chest protectively, hugging herself even as she winced a little at the squeeze over her sensitive breasts. “What is it?”

 

“I have spoken to your maid and she seemed to think your courses have not come since we arrived. Is there anything you wish to share with me?”

 

Penelope blinked at her, cheeks reddening at such a topic. She tried not to think too deeply about such matters, as her mother felt them unladylike. “I am afraid I don’t understand your meaning.” 

 

Violet avoided Penelope’s eyes and took a deep breath. “Penelope, I must ask. Has anyone taken liberties with you?”

 

“I – I do not,” Penelope stammered. “A man has– that is to say, we–.”  She clamped her mouth shut, so overcome with a hot wave of shame and embarrassment that she could think of nothing to say.

 

Lady Bridgerton nodded grimly, but when Penelope dared to glance over at her, there was no condemnation in her eyes. 

 

“I see. Penelope, I believe you may be with child,” Violet said in a tone that strained to remain even. “Who, may I ask, is the father?”

 

Chapter 2

Penelope knew what it was to be small and insignificant, unnoticed and unloved. 

She knew what it was to be powerful, to hold another’s fate in her hands. 

She knew what it was to yearn and ache, with a desperation that bordered on madness.

What she was unprepared for was this feeling of nothingness. 

The carriage bounced and swayed as it traversed the miles between London and Aubrey Hall, but it was as if she were floating. Her body was heavy but nothing tied her to it. For a brief moment, she wondered if she existed.

She lifted her gaze only to be met by Colin’s warm blue eyes. She quickly looked out the window, not wanting to think too deeply on the vast emotion she saw there. She still didn’t understand his decision to stay. He must hate her family, but he had attended the funeral along with his brothers. Not many had, too unnerved by the suspicious circumstances surrounding her father’s death.

Perhaps she would feel better when they reached Kent. Penelope knew that the Bridgertons would offer more solace than her own family could have, but that brought its own grief. The thought that her own mother didn’t know how to comfort her, perhaps didn’t care enough to realise that she was hurting, made her feel even more alone. Penelope was simply an inconvenient fixture in the household, one to be rid of if possible.

 

______

 

The laughter and teasing sounds of the Bridgerton siblings faded as their game of Pall Mall drew them further from the main house. Penelope sat with Lady Bridgerton, taking tea. The silence between them was a gift, one that was freely given when Penelope needed it most. She could sit with her thoughts, not truly alone but without the pressures of polite conversation. 

Her mind seemed to swing between complete absence of thought and being utterly battered by questions about her father. One of the cruelties of her position was that she knew every whisper about her father’s demise, and yet could tell no one. How would she explain her unseemly knowledge of London’s underworld when a young lady shouldn’t know a hint of such matters?

She was left to wonder if she could have protected him somehow, if she could have warned him if only she had asked her sources the correct questions. She sighed heavily and Violet looked over at her sympathetically, placing a motherly hand on hers. Penelope managed a weak smile of reassurance and picked up a biscuit to prevent herself from having to answer any inquiries. 

“I should like to take a turn about the garden, I believe,” Penelope said quietly. 

“Take your parasol, my dear; it is a fine day,” Violet replied. 

Penelope nodded in agreement and made her way down a rose-lined path. She heard the crunch of the stone pathway behind her and tried to hide her impatience. It must be her best friend, coming to check on her, but she daren’t turn around to greet her. Penelope did not wish to be trapped. It was not that she didn’t dearly love Eloise, but at times she couldn’t bear the strain of pretending interest in her monologues. She simply hadn’t the energy for it.

She ducked under a sweeping arbour, hoping to find some privacy in an untamed part of the estate. There was a pretty grove here, and she found her way into the centre of it, unheeding of her day dress as she lay on a spring patch of moss and grass. Branches sprawled above her, turning the sky into a mosaic of leaves and bursts of sunlight. It was quiet with only a breeze rustling through the trees and birdsong to interrupt it.

Except…yes, there were footsteps again. Eloise was nothing if not persistent. She sighed and closed her eyes, trying to summon strength for a conversation. A presence hovered above her.

“You found me,” she said, a hint of a smile peeking through. As low as she was, Eloise truly was a good friend to seek her out.

“I did,” replied a masculine voice.

Penelope’s eyes popped open to see Colin’s upside down visage.

“I thought you were Eloise.”

“Well, we are often mistaken for twins,” Colin teased, but somehow she knew his heart wasn’t in it. "Except for my famed humility, we are nearly identical."

“I thought you were determined to beat your siblings at Pall Mall,” she said, furrowing her brow.

To her surprise, Colin plopped down on the grass, laying his tall frame out in the opposite direction to her. But when he turned his head, his eyes were disconcertingly close and Penelope felt a girlish thrill at having him so near.

“My mind is elsewhere I’m afraid,” he murmured. “I wished for solitude.”

“But I am here.”

For the first time he smiled genuinely, the kind that lit up his eyes and made the corners crinkle.

“Indeed. I knew your presence would calm me.”

Penelope could not fathom such a thing. She was hardly pleasant company lately, although she tried her best to be polite.

“I– I am glad to do so, although I cannot imagine how I earned such a distinction.”

Colin stared up at the trees above them. “You are the only one who does not see me as a fool. The only one who does not demand my smiles and my jests and my good nature. You know what it is to feel melancholy.”

Penelope rolled onto her side so she could see him better, propping her face up on her elbow. Colin looked so sombre, so defeated. It broke her heart.

“You are a good man, Colin. It is never foolish to care deeply.” 

She didn’t know where the courage came from, but she reached out and touched his shoulder gently. Rather than be offended, Colin brought his own hand up to cover hers, keeping it there.

“Thank you. I fear I may need to hear that on more than one occasion, for I cannot stop berating myself.”

“Perhaps you are the only one judging yourself harshly,” she replied, daring to caress his muscled form where his hand anchored her. “Your family only wishes to support you. And I know they must feel offended on your behalf, as I do.”

“You may be right,” Colin said, squeezing her hand. “Perhaps I should worry less about what they may think of me, and consider instead how to forgive myself.”

“I have made my own share of mistakes, so you are not alone,” she confessed, so exhausted that she was capable of neither restraint nor artifice. Penelope sighed, sitting up and plucking a strand of grass. Colin sat up himself, looking on with great concern as she began to tear it to pieces.

“You were not to blame for your father’s death,” he said in a low, reassuring voice. He caught her chin in his hand so she had to meet his eyes. 

“What if I were? What if I could have known, should have known?”

“Penelope, you are a young lady barely out. How could you have anticipated such a thing?” 

Penelope could see he was guarding himself, trying not to speak out of turn. For she was not supposed to understand that her father had been murdered, or why. 

“I know what happened to him, Colin,” she said quietly. “I know because I am Lady Whistledown. I am behind it all, every word, every whisper.”

Disbelief and then shock and then horror overtook his features as he drew in a sharp breath. “You cannot mean it.” Colin began shaking his head slowly, seemingly transfixed by her confession, trying to absorb it. 

“Perhaps what happened to him is my punishment,” she continued. “For what I have written, for those I have hurt. For you especially, the way I ended your engagement. Had I been paying better attention, been less selfish, perhaps I could have warned him.”

“No, Pen, no!” Her words seemed to have broken his trance, and suddenly she was in his arms, closer than she had ever been. It felt like a dream in the midst of these nightmarish days. “I do not pretend to understand, I will not say I am not confused and– and angry. But I cannot allow you to think you are a villain. I will not. ”

“You must not comfort me, you see, for it would not be just,” she said as if she had not heard him. “I know it was you, who arranged for me to come. But I do not deserve your friendship.”

“We are friends. For you see my faults, yet care for me anyway. How can I do anything but the same for you?”

He only held on to her more tightly, and perhaps it was that singular moment that allowed her to relax into him. For it proved that even at her worst he would not push her away, even in the moment of greatest betrayal, he could be trusted.

She did not speak any more, and neither did he, but her head found a perfect resting place on his shoulder, and that was comfort enough for the both of them.

 

Notes:

Thank you so much to Elle018, my gorgeous beta! She smashed this out in an airport on her way to a watch party and I love her for it!

Aiiiiiiii, I am getting so excited for Part 2, I had to distract myself by writing this. I just checked and my first story for Polin was posted in August of 2021. Three years later and I can't believe we're nearly there!

I hope everyone enjoys, and I'm sending you all emotional support in the final stretch of waiting.

Chapter 3

It should have felt improper. 

 

Colin was standing near the entrance to her bedchamber, having just pulled the heavy wooden door shut behind him with a decisive click.

 

But Penelope only felt a brief glimmer of happiness, like a candle flame flickering in the wind. It was swiftly blown out, of course, but she had come to treasure these brief moments of relief from the darkness that pressed from all sides.

 

“I apologise,” he stuttered when he saw her, lying on top of her coverlet in nothing but her nightgown. She should have arisen, should have pulled on a dressing gown at the very least, but it would require too much effort.

 

Penelope only waved her hand vaguely, brushing away his concerns. 

 

“How is the ball?” she asked.

 

There was a time she would have relished the chance to attend a Bridgerton ball in the country, but she was relieved the customs of mourning would not allow it. 

 

“Dull as usual,” Colin shrugged. He began to walk to the bed, paused, and then continued towards her. She rewarded him with a tired smile as he sat on the edge. “Half of the eligible young ladies try to flirt with me now that I am free again, while the other half whisper what a fool I am behind my back. I escaped as soon as I could.”

 

A bitter edge tinged Colin’s speech that concerned her. He was in one of his low moods today, so she walked her hand closer to where his lay at his side, brushing his fingers with her own. 

 

“To attract notice when you least wish it sounds very trying,” she soothed.

 

Colin’s shoulders dropped just slightly. “And what of you? Have you been lonely this evening?”

 

“I can’t say that I have,” she said, and Colin tensed again.

 

“I shall not disturb you then.” Penelope felt the mattress shift beneath her as he began to rise but she tugged at his hand to prevent it.

 

“No, stay,” she said. “You do not count.”

 

Now he truly looked offended, but she quickly continued. “I only mean that your presence is so peaceful, I do not have to perform for you. With others, I must disguise how I am feeling.”

 

He smiled and she thought of how attractive he was when that hint of shyness crept into his expression. Before this summer, Colin seemed untouchable. Now she knew that he too experienced self-doubt and pangs of sadness. It somehow emboldened her to act and speak as freely as she liked, seeing that they were equals in their suffering.

 

“Stay with me,” she pressed. “I adore your company.”

 

“My silence, you mean,” he teased. “Although in comparison with Eloise, I suppose anyone would bring more rest.”

 

Penelope laughed. “I love your sister, but she is best in small doses at present.”

 

Colin was looking at her so fondly, and she felt so warm and comfortable for the first time today. So she tugged at him again. “Come.” 

 

Colin examined her very seriously, his eyes searching for something in her own, and then he began to remove his boots. 

 

“Discard your cravat as well, I know how you detest it,” she encouraged.

 

“Lady Whistledown, your propensity for rule breaking never ceases to amaze me.”

 

Colin raised an eyebrow at her and she wished to match his playfulness. Never had she imagined the column becoming a source of amusement for them, but there had been enough discourse between them over the last fortnight that it no longer felt raw. Colin had been honest in his hurt, his confusion, but then again so had Penelope. They understood each other. And now it felt good to enjoy herself again, to joke and tease and poke fun at her alter ego. 

 

“Very well, I will do it for you so you may remain a gentleman,” she said, and sat up to boldly begin working at the knot herself. She bit her lip in concentration, for it was even tighter than she had supposed. 

 

“Aha!” she cried as it finally gave way, but Colin did not seem to share her amusement as she threw it to the side, her fingers finding the warm skin of his neck.

 

“Penelope,” Colin whispered, and it was then that she realised how very close they were to one another. Her hand pressed against his chest as she blinked up at him and she could feel his heart thudding against it.

 

She did not dare to breathe, to move, but just when she thought she must be imagining the way Colin wet his lip, just slightly, he had leaned in and brushed his soft, full mouth against hers. 

 

Penelope had read many books, whiling away an afternoon in front of the drawing room window, and she was not ashamed to say that she often flipped through the pages searching for kisses. That hopeful part of her, the tiny corner of her heart that believed herself worthy of love, felt it best to be prepared. 

 

Now she saw that she had been naive, for kissing such as this had never been written of before. How to describe a touch so gentle yet so sure? There was a sudden awareness that she had needed no instruction because she had been born to surrender to her feelings for him. She wrapped her arms tightly around his shoulders, and he was holding her just as firmly. 

 

When they pulled apart, she leaned her forehead against his chest, overcome and not yet ready for the moment to end. Colin’s hands were in her hair, teasing the strands like they were pure silk and he could not get his fill.

 

They stayed that way, unspeaking, until she yawned and he gently guided her beneath the covers. A sudden flare of panic made it difficult to breathe. She couldn't bear it if he left now, for she would be alone again and the dreadful thoughts would return. Colin did not seem to even consider it though, for he walked round to the other side of the bed and arranged himself beside her.

 

Penelope felt herself being pulled towards him, tucked against his body until there was no space between them. Somehow it felt even more intimate than their kiss, for she felt surrounded by him, protected in a way she had never experienced in her life. Only he could give her this, and he deserved to know. He, who had so many fears of being inadequate, when he had the purest heart she knew.

 

“When you hold me, I feel nothing in the world could hurt me,” she whispered.

 

His firm arms tightened around her and his hand stroked at her waist. 

 

“Rest now,” he replied just as softly. “I am here.”

 

Notes:

👀

I hope that you've all had a chance to enjoy the rest of S3 by now, but just in case, no spoilers here! I have already rewatched sooooo many of my favorite moments, my heart is full.

Thank you so much to Elle018 for reviewing this chapter for me. She isn't sure how I'm going to get them from here to baby making, but I have a plan! Just not one that I've told her about! Although maybe I shouldn't troll her like this since I'm counting on her help...

Anyway, while I grapple with my conscience about that, enjoy your own watches and rewatches. See you soon!

Chapter 4

The others were picking wild strawberries in a glade nearby, but Penelope had wandered away, drawn by the sound of a stream winding down the hilltop. She leaned against a tree, pressing hard against the rough bark. The scrape of it against her back was welcome albeit a bit painful. It made her feel a part of the forest here. Perhaps she was trying to convince herself that she could be this strong, her feet planted firmly, her roots growing deeper and more tangled with the earth below. 

 

It was kind of Violet to plan so many entertainments when it was really only her and the Bridgertons still at Aubrey Hall. Penelope knew it was meant to be a distraction. At times it worked and she forgot her sadness for a while. The family’s happiness was a warm cocoon, a respite from the backbiting of the Ton and the swirl of the social season. It gave her hope to see the Bridgertons joyfully bantering after losing their own beloved father. But it was also a reminder that she would be returning home to a much colder home in a few months, without the kind gestures and sense of belonging that she had come to rely upon.

 

She closed her eyes and listened to the sound of the rushing water, trying to push the restless thoughts from her mind. It was no use though and tears began escaping. It would be so very lonely when she had to reside with her family again. After a time, she regained her composure but the ache in her heart remained. As if he heard her silent despair, Colin suddenly appeared through the trees, branches cracking beneath his feet. She should have known he would find her; he always did when she needed him most.

 

“I came to check on you,” Colin said, tilting his head to get a good look at her. She smiled a little at the familiar gesture. 

 

“I thought I wanted to be alone but now that you are here, I realise I was wrong,” she said, holding her arms out to him. 

 

“Pen,” he murmured as his arms wrapped around her waist and he tucked her closer to him. She relaxed against him, letting out a little gasping shudder in the aftermath of her crying spell. He stroked her back in soothing circles and Penelope rested her head against his chest. 

 

“When will I feel like myself again? When will I be happy?” she mused. 

 

“I wish I could tell you,” he replied earnestly. “I wish I could do more for you.”

 

“Colin, you’re doing so much more than you realise.” She reached up to stroke a fingertip over his cheek. “When you touch me, it's the only time I feel truly happy. It’s the only time I forget my troubles.”

 

“Then I must do it more often,” he said with a soft look in his eyes. 

 

Their kiss the other night seemed like a dream. She had half convinced herself it was her imagination, the work of a mind shrouded in the fog of grief. Colin was a perfect gentleman when his family was near.

 

But now, she recognised his expression. It meant he wished to kiss her, and her lips parted instinctively when he leaned in to meet them. Then she felt the gentle brush of his tongue against hers. This was new and utterly blissful. Colin seemed to feel the same, for as she matched his long, languid kisses with her own, he pushed her back against the tree. The length of his body was firm and strong and steadying. She wanted to be closer, to borrow that grounding force. 

 

His hands were roaming over her like he wanted it too. As though he could read her thoughts and wanted her to merge into him as if they were one. It set off a burning heat, an ache for more, and she pressed herself against him. He groaned, sliding his hand from its possessive grip on her waist, down her hip until he grabbed hold of her thigh and hitched her leg around his. 

 

That’s when she felt it, something hard against the centre of her need. The sheer pleasure of the friction was enough to wipe her mind of every thought. She had never been embraced like this, and she realised that she wouldn’t want to be by anyone but Colin. This was for them, only for the one she trusted the most, loved the most. 

“Colin, that feels so good,” she murmured against his lips. 

 

He bucked against her again and she moaned. “Does it?” 

 

She nodded up at him and let out a squeak when he took hold of her bottom and firmly guided her toward him. They gazed into one another’s eyes as he moved against her again and again. There was a rhythm to it that reminded her of dancing, but this was so much better than that. For each time their bodies met, she felt herself floating higher, a thread within her growing more taut. 

 

“I want you closer,” she said breathlessly. “It feels like you should be closer.”

 

“There is a way,” Colin rasped in her ear. “But it’s improper…”

 

“I don’t care,” Penelope urged him, clinging to his shoulders. “Don’t stop making me feel good.”

 

Colin was gasping too and she noticed his eyes darting to her breasts as she tried to catch her breath. 

 

“Do you want to see them?” 

 

“Yes, but Pen…”

 

He looked conflicted and she couldn't imagine why. No one was here to find them, the voices of the berry picking party long since drifting away. And they were friends, were they not? Even if he did not love her as she loved him, they cared for one another. He deserved this, deserved to have everything he wanted. And she would give it to him gladly.

 

She turned and pressed her palms flat against the tree trunk, looking over her shoulder at him. “Unlace me. Then you can see.”

 

His hands were shaking as he obeyed. Each tug, each brush of his fingers against her back sent those delicious sparks through her body. When he had loosened her garments enough, she turned back, allowing them to drop around her waist. Colin cursed at the sight. 

 

“I apologise,” he murmured when her eyes widened. “I was overcome.”

 

“I’m glad,” Penelope said, intoxicated by the way he looked at her with such desire. She had never thought she could affect him so. “I want you to be, so you will touch me.”

 

Colin cursed again, and after that, it was astonishing how quickly it happened, and how perfect it felt. Each moment stretched out like a length of gauzy silk, wrapping around her and softening the harsh edges of the world. Colin gently pushing up her skirts, his hands trailing tenderly up her legs. His dark lashes framing those blue eyes as he lowered the placket of his pants and revealed himself to her. That first touch between her legs, the satisfaction of it that quickly turned to more want. And then, the exquisite stretch, the wholeness she felt, and the way he held her after they had reached their release. 

 

Penelope lay on a bed of moss beneath the stream. Colin was beside her, dressed again, although his clothes were rumpled now and his hair an utter mess from the way she was running her fingers through it.

 

Her body felt like hot chocolate, melted and warm. Colin's head lay on her chest and she whimpered when he nuzzled his face between her breasts.

 

“Is this alright?” he asked. She smiled and nodded, ruffling her hand through his hair and coaxing him closer. He took her nipple into his mouth and groaned, his eyes darkening when she squirmed. Several minutes passed as she watched him through hazy eyes, kissing them, licking at her nipples, making her feel worshipped. She felt him grow harder against her thigh until he was rutting against her.

 

“Can I take you again?” he asked.

 

“Of course,” she assured him. “As often as you like.” 

 

Soon he was rolling his hips against her again, filling her deeply, and she was crying out with each thrust, her troubles further away than ever.

 

Notes:

See? I did have a plan for how the baby making would start! ILY Elle018! Thank you for the beta!

Soon we'll be back to pregnancy fallout. I hope everyone enjoyed!

Chapter 5

Penelope couldn’t seem to meet Violet’s eyes. Time slowed down. 

 

The window had been opened and she could hear the birds singing outside. Her linens still felt silky beneath her hands as she clenched and unclenched her fingers. But her mind couldn’t make sense of it all.

 

“How can I be with child?” she whispered. “Are you certain?”

 

Violet shifted uncomfortably on the bed and pursed her lips.

 

“Liberties…a man’s touch…that is what makes a baby, my dear.”

 

Penelope slowly began to shake her head. “I did not mean to…I did not know…”

 

The older woman gently took her hand and paused. “Was the touch unwanted? I can see that this is all a great shock.”

 

“No, no, he was kind. But we did not share a bed. A marital bed. I did not know this was possible.”

 

“Oh Penelope,” sighed Violet, but it was not in a scolding tone. “Young ladies are taught so little. But you do not need to sleep beside him for this to happen.”

 

They sat in silence for several minutes, Penelope beginning to accept that she had been wrong, so very wrong about how babies came to be. Marina had spoken of cake, but even she, ignorant as she was, was not simple enough to believe that told the whole tale. Her mother had spoken of laying with a man, of the marital bed, and she had assumed…well, it all seemed rather ridiculous now. Did Colin know? He must not have, for he would never want to father a child, unmarried and free as he was.

 

The reality of it hit her like a torrent of rain dropping from the sky and washing away any hope she had for the future. She was ruined, and must carry the weight of her shame. A baby would be irrefutable evidence of her wanton nature. A small voice whispered to her that it was not all terrible, however. For she carried a small piece of Colin inside her, and she could not regret that.

 

Her thoughts were interrupted when Violet cleared her throat.

 

“I must ask you again: who is the father? He must take responsibility for stealing your innocence.”

 

Penelope winced at that framing of what she and Colin had shared. He was not some thief, some rake , they had both given freely of themselves. After that day in the forest, they had taken to visiting one another’s chambers at night, long after the rest of the great house grew quiet. She lived for those moments, feeling the broken pieces of her heart slowly sliding back into place with each caress, each moment of boneless pleasure. No, he had not stolen anything.

 

“Lady Bridgerton, he did not know either. I cannot allow his dreams to disappear because of this.” Her face twisted in pain. “Because I am a sad, stupid girl who knows nothing.” 

 

Violet drew a long breath and patted Penelope’s hand. “Penelope, you are a clever, kind girl. I love you as I do my own daughters, and I will help you. But you must reveal his name. Was it one of the servants?”

 

Penelope clamped her lips together and turned away. She refused to say or do anything that might unwittingly reveal the truth.

 

After a few moments of heavy silence, Violet sighed. “I will give you time to think. You may stay here and rest until you are ready to join the rest of the family again.” Penelope’s eyes welled up at how naturally Violet included her as one of the family. At the way she would still be allowed to leave her chambers. She would not be hidden away as Marina had been.

 

“I will join you for dinner,” she replied meekly, wanting Violet to know that she was not being sullen or ungrateful for her kindness.

 

“Good,” Violet said, then looked at her quite seriously. “Please be discreet until we have made further plans. Eloise is yet a maiden.”

 

Penelope’s face burned red and she nodded. Violet was ever so gentle, but she knew this was only the beginning. Once word spread of her fall, no one would want their daughters near her. Not that she was ever sought after for her friendship or conversation. But now the division between herself and the other debutantes would be even more stark. As Violet left the room, she lay down again, hugging her pillow to her chest for some weak facsimile of comfort. 

 

She really wanted Colin’s embrace, but she knew that was over. For the only way to protect him was to keep her distance so no one would suspect his involvement.

 

Her resolve was tested quickly, for Colin soon knocked on her door to escort her to dinner.

 

“Are you well, Pen?” he said, furrowing his brow. The concerned look only made him appear more handsome and her heart skipped a beat. “You still look pale.”

 

She smiled weakly. “I am much improved.”

 

He offered his arm and she backed away from him. “It may still be catching so it is best if you keep your distance.” Colin began to argue that he should provide her support on the stairs but she shook her head firmly. “No, Colin!” 

 

His jaw clenched at her sharp tone. She had not meant to be so stern, but her nerves were frazzled. It was taking everything within her not to confide in him, to fight the urge to reach for his hand and place it on her belly. How would he react if they were married? If she were his beloved wife about to give him a son or daughter? It was a very dangerous thought and she pushed it from her mind. 

 

“Very well, if I am unwanted…” he said quietly. He paused for just a moment, perhaps hoping she would correct him, but she forced herself to remain silent. Colin began to speak again but cut himself off and turned on his heel to walk away from her.

 

Her heart ached to chase after him, to throw herself into his arms and explain everything. But instead, she took measured steps down the stairs and went into dinner on Benedict’s arm, pretending not to notice the dark looks Colin was casting in their direction. Thankfully no one was treating her any differently except to wish her good health, so for the time being her secret had remained between herself and Violet. Penelope picked at her food, still lacking in appetite but not wishing to draw attention to herself.

 

The separation of the sexes provided much needed respite from Colin’s steel blue eyes, but she noticed that Violet had not joined them. Her eyes glazed over as she stared at the fire, beginning to make plans for a cottage in the country with her Whistledown money. When Daphne commented on her distraction, she excused herself as suffering from continued fatigue, and needing to retire.

 

Penelope walked down the hallway, hoping that in the morning she could speak to Violet about leaving Aubrey Hall. It would be much too difficult to maintain this facade with so many observant Bridgertons surrounding her. Not to mention that she did not know what she would do if Colin tried to visit her bedchamber tonight. She hoped she would be strong enough to turn him away, but even now she longed to lose herself in his attentions rather than face her current situation.

 

Voices rose and fell from Anthony’s study as she passed, and when she heard Violet speaking she could not help but stop and listen. 

 

“Must I really be more explicit?” she asked.

 

“Mother,” Anthony said in an exasperated tone. “You have been dancing around an accusation for a quarter of an hour now. Would it not be simpler to tell us what we have done to offend you and have done with it?”

 

“What Anthony means to say is, have we done something to displease you?” Colin said in a gentler tone.

 

He always was the kindest, the most sensitive of his brothers. The way Colin treated his mother always made Penelope's heart swell with affection. But she could not lose herself in admiration, for she very much feared this line of conversation and how it might involve her.

 

“Colin did it,” Benedict joked, and she could hear a brief scuffle even through the door.

 

“We do not even know what she is referring to, you arse!” Colin replied.

 

“Language, Colin,” scolded Anthony.

 

“Enough!” scolded Violet. “Very well. I know that the three of you are grown men, and that you are not…innocent…when it comes to relations between men and women.”

 

Penelope’s stomach knotted as all three brothers groaned and began pleading for Violet to stop speaking. Lady Bridgerton must have held up her hand for silence however, for she soon continued.

 

“I have always trusted you to choose appropriate…companions. It pains me, but I must ask each of you. Have any of you selected someone unsuitable for such activities?”

 

“Mother, I can assure you that I am very serious about seeking a bride this season…” Anthony began to bluster. Penelope wondered if his reaction had anything to do with rumours that the eldest Bridgerton brother had been thrown over by his opera singer mistress.

 

“But have you anticipated your vows? With a young lady under our care?”

 

A heavy silence descended, one that Penelope could almost feel even on the other side of the door. She wondered if she might be sick again, the anxiety building as she waited.

 

“Mother, what is this about?” Anthony finally said. “Speak plainly.”

 

“Penelope Featherington is with child. And I wish to know if one of you is responsible.”

 

Notes:

We're back to the present now, so let's see how Colin handles this shall we? The funny thing is I have no idea what he's gonna do! I'm going away for the weekend but we'll see what he tells me next week. 🥰

Elle018 has been working overtime as my beta. She's done four chapters for me in 48 hours. What an absolute legend. 😎

Thank you for all the kudos and comments, I read each one and love to hear what you think!

Chapter 6

The study was completely silent, and Penelope stood trembling outside, waiting for his reaction.

 

Of course she feared what Anthony would say, and she did not wish to see the sardonic look in Benedict’s eyes, but Colin was all she could think of. Would he be angry with her? Dare she hope that some part of him would be pleased? 

 

Suddenly Penelope wished she had behaved differently before dinner. That she could have been the one to tell him, so she could see the look in his eyes at the very moment of discovery. It was the only way she would truly know how he felt about becoming a father. 

 

Penelope could already feel herself becoming attached to the idea of being a mother, despite knowing it would ruin her. She gently stroked her belly, wondering if Violet could tell her when she would be able to feel the baby. Would her son or daughter look like Colin? Have his wit and charm? She certainly hoped so.

 

“Brothers? Answer Mother’s question,” Anthony said forcefully.

 

“I think we can all see from Colin’s face who we should congratulate on his impending fatherhood.” 

 

Penelope could hear a slight desperation to lighten the mood in Benedict’s tone, but Anthony quickly reprimanded him.

 

“This is not a laughing matter. Our family honour and Penelope’s reputation are in jeopardy.”

 

Finally, finally, Colin found his voice.

 

“Mother, is Penelope well? Is the baby?”

 

“Oh, Colin,” Violet said, a near moan of sorrow and disappointment. Colin had not denied it, and now his mother knew that they had betrayed her trust. Penelope felt a sick trickling of shame. She had been an invited guest and because of her the family was now embroiled in scandal.

 

“Colin, what on earth were you thinking?” Anthony was already nearly shouting. “First this foolhardy, rushed engagement where you nearly became a cuckold! And now you have seduced an innocent under our protection? Have you lost all sense of gentlemanly behaviour?”

 

“Well, he has certainly lost something,” Benedict muttered under his breath. 

 

“We can discuss this further at another time, but that is not what is important at the moment,” Colin interrupted. “Mother, I wish to know if something is wrong. Penelope has been ill.”

 

“I have not called a doctor yet, but Penelope is young and healthy.” There was a pause and Penelope shivered as she could just imagine the pointed look Violet was directing at Colin. “Her symptoms are natural for the early stages of a pregnancy. How long ago did this occur?”

 

There was an extremely long pause. “I have lost count. It could have happened on any number of occasions.”

 

Benedict whistled and there was the distinct sound of a chair scraping as Anthony stood abruptly from behind his desk. 

 

“Benedict, if you do not understand the gravity of this situation, you may leave,” said Violet in a dignified manner. “I will not have Penelope made sport of; she does not deserve it.”

 

Before Penelope could react, the door swung open and all of them stared at one another wordlessly. Her hand was still cradling her belly, and she quickly dropped it to her side. But Colin had seen, she was sure of it, for he continued staring at where her hand had been for longer than he had any right to.

 

“I heard my name,” Penelope stammered.

 

Benedict looked extremely guilty and could barely meet her eyes. 

 

“I think I’ll leave you to it,” he said as he made to leave.

 

“Benedict, please escort Penelope back to her bedchamber,” replied Violet. “She should be resting.” Violet smiled at her kindly, and Penelope tried her best to give a pleasant nod in return. It was difficult with Colin standing right there, trying to catch her eyes again as she did everything to avoid his.

 

“I can escort her,” Colin objected. 

 

“You will do no such thing,” said Anthony. “You have done far too much already.”

 

Colin straightened his back as if readying for a fight. Her heart ached for him. She knew from their discussions that Anthony had not been pleased with him about his past engagement, and in fact had scolded him like a child on numerous occasions. She could not bear to be the source of further humiliation.

 

“Please do not blame Colin,” she said, daring to address the eldest Bridgerton. “He has only ever been kind to me.”

 

While she exchanged pleasantries with Anthony fairly often when she was visiting Eloise, this was the first time she had spoken to him on a matter of any import. It made her heart race given the imposing authority he held and her own current state of embarrassment. But Anthony seemed surprised enough by her words to remain silent and Violet took the opportunity to intervene. 

 

“Penelope dear, you really should rest. We will discuss this more tomorrow, but be assured, all will be well.”

 

Penelope bobbed a small curtsy and took Benedict’s offered arm. She wanted to glance back at Colin as she walked away, but she was too afraid of what she would see in his expression.

 

______

It was nearly midnight and Penelope could not sleep. She had become accustomed to Colin’s nightly visits and it was very strange to go to bed without seeing him. Her hand rubbed soothing circles on her belly, but it was not the same as having him hold her. 

 

She was going to be a mother.  

 

It didn’t feel real, and yet, she knew she must shake herself from the haze she had existed in since her father’s death. If she had thought with her sharp mind rather than simply felt with her body, she would not have placed herself and Colin in this position. But then, perhaps it was her heart that had led her down the path of foolishness. For it was not simply pleasure that she sought, but Colin and the comfort that only his affection could bring. She could not condemn herself too harshly for that. Her only regret was that now Colin must face the consequences along with her, when he deserved to be free.

 

She heard a soft tap at the servants’ door on the far side of the room. When they had begun their nightly visits, Colin had taught her how to make her way through the cramped passageways to his bedchamber and back. Now she could feel her way in the dark without making a sound, a skill that he had perfected as a child playing pranks. 

 

Colin poked his head in the door and Penelope could think of nothing to say as she sat up in bed. Usually she would have reached her arms out or simply crossed the room and thrown herself into his embrace. But she wasn’t sure how to behave with such a revelation between them. He seemed similarly hesitant, shutting the door behind him but lingering awkwardly next to the wall.

 

“How are you?” he finally said. His voice was stiff, nothing like the Colin she loved so dearly. He must be displeased with her.

 

“I am well,” she said softly. “I – I am so sorry.”

 

“For not telling me sooner?” he asked quietly.

 

Penelope winced but shook her head. “Well, I suppose I should have told you, before dinner. But I only found out this afternoon. No, I was going to apologise for my ignorance. A baby– I did not know how babies came to be. What we were risking–” She raised her hands helplessly, as if he could glean her thoughts from that gesture.

 

Colin sat heavily on the settee. “I thought you knew but that– “ 

 

“What is it, Colin?”

 

He shook his head and covered his face with his hands. Her dearest friend looked so overwhelmed that Penelope overcame her awkwardness and rushed to his side. She began rubbing his back soothingly. It had become a habit as they eased one another through the past difficult months, and now they were facing a challenge even greater. Penelope took comfort from the idea that she could spare him from the worst of it.

 

“I can still go,” she said softly. “I have enough for a little cottage. You need never think of this again.”

 

“Go?” Colin’s head shot up and her hands were being grasped tightly in his.

 

“Yes, that was…I do not wish to limit you. Your tour, all your other dreams.”

 

“You would leave me? Take my child from me?” 

 

Penelope had never seen Colin look quite so stern, and she shivered at the darkness of it. It made her want to please him, but she wasn’t sure what he most wanted to hear. He almost seemed as if he wanted her and the child. 

 

“I didn’t know your mother would confront you…I wanted to protect you from the knowledge of it. Take care of this on my own.”

 

“I see,” he said, his mouth a thin line. “You do not think I am ready to be a father.”

 

How could she make him understand? They had both been lost, hurt, holding onto one another just to stay afloat. She refused to be the one to drag him under for good. And that is what this would do. She would take the ruin on herself if it meant he would be well. But Colin was continually surprising her, confounding her with his reactions. He did not seem grateful, he seemed offended .

 

“No! No, you are lovely with children. It is just…neither of us even knew that what we were doing could make us parents. I could never force that on you as Marina tried to do.”

 

Suddenly, he had slipped a steady arm around her waist, drawing her closer to him on the settee, and his large hand was covering the swell of her belly.

 

“You are carrying our child. Tomorrow, Anthony will ride back to London for a special licence and I will propose to you as you deserve. Do not speak of leaving me again.” His hand was hot and possessive over her, his words commanding, but nothing could be more tender than his tone. It confused her.

 

He pressed a kiss to her forehead and stood, guiding her back to her bed. 

 

“Please rest. Take care of our little one,” he said as he tucked the covers around her.

 

Penelope nodded, still not trusting herself to speak. Her mind was racing at thoughts of a special licence, of becoming his wife and a mother, and so quickly. How could she sleep when Colin was acting so strangely and such changes were bearing down on her? 

 

He leaned in once more to kiss her cheek, and then he spoke, turning her world upside down once again.

“Penelope, I must correct one misapprehension. I knew . That I might get a child on you.” Colin’s expression was tortured, as if he were confessing to the worst sin. Penelope did not know how to grant him absolution, for she was still trying to absorb it– that Colin had known they were putting themselves at risk, and had said nothing about it. “I hope you will not hate me for it.”

Notes:

I think I'm getting kinda addicted to cliffhangers, sorry. I live for the drama of it. 😎

Thank you so much to Elle018 for her beta, even though she originally forgot to beta and just straight up read it. Happens to the best of us. 🤭

Thank you for all the comments! I'm curious to see what you'll think of all of their reactions. 👀

Chapter 7

He knew.

 

What could he have meant?

 

Sleep eluded her, despite the heavy feeling in her limbs. Even the haze of her grief seemed to lift. Her mind felt clear, awakened. Colin had that effect on her.

 

Penelope’s first season had been torture. Trying to find her place whilst being ignored or even worse, derided by the likes of Cressida Cowper. Then watching Colin’s head turned by her cousin. Trying to protect him as herself, and when that failed, as Lady Whistledown. Witnessing his hurt and insecurity in the aftermath. And then, the news that he would be leaving followed by the death of her father.

 

But then Colin had surprised her. He stayed. He had rescued her, given her a refuge. Maybe she had given him one too.

 

They were floating in a rowboat at the centre of the lake, shortly after that day when all the rest went strawberry picking. Penelope’s long, solitary rambles were accepted by the family by now, and they likely thought Colin was holed up in his room, mourning his broken engagement. They didn’t know how often he sought her out, how many afternoons they spent in hidden corners of the estate, how many nights they spent in bed. She was laying back, her head resting on the waistcoat he had discarded as the day grew warm. 

 

“If you hadn’t arranged for me to be your family’s guest, I would be looking out my window right now,” she said softly. “Waiting.”

 

“What would you be waiting for?” he asked.

 

She paused. If it weren’t for the sunshine, warming her, if it weren’t for the boat rocking and drifting, lulling her, maybe she wouldn’t have admitted it.

 

“You. I would have been waiting for you to come home.”

 

She could see the outline of him but not his face. His back straightened and he spoke with low intensity.

 

“Why me?”

 

“I’m not entirely sure,” she mused. “I only know that you are my favourite.”

 

Colin chuckled. “Is it as simple as that?”

 

“Favourites should always be simple. If you have to convince yourself, your preference is based on vanity or fear of others’ opinion. When you find a true favourite, you know instantly, deep in your heart, that you wish to choose it over and over again.”

 

“And you would choose me, would you? Over and over again?” he asked teasingly.

 

“Over and over again. Without any hesitation,” she replied firmly.

 

Colin covered her with his body now, his smiling face blocking out the sun. She didn’t miss it, not when she had his light.

 

“Will you let me take you over and over again?” he asked, already easing her dress up over her thighs, his hand covering that place between her legs that brought her such pleasure.

 

“I already have.” She traced the curve of his jaw, caressed the soft of the back of his neck as she loved to do. 

 

“Because you choose me?” he pressed again. His hand hadn’t moved and she was becoming impatient, but he still gazed at her intently.

 

Penelope giggled. “Colin, you already asked me that.” She blinked flirtatiously at him, in the way she knew he liked. “You’re teasing me.”

 

“I have been mistaken before,” he said, a burning hurt in the shadows of his eyes. “I have proven myself a fool, and –”

 

She understood now. His self-doubt still pained him at times. He needed this reassurance of her friendship, of her devotion. It did not trouble her to give it to him. She ran her hands over his arms as they caged her in, trying to soothe him.

 

“Colin, you are not a fool. She knew you would make an excellent husband and the most loving father. Do not be ashamed of being recognized for your goodness.”

 

He still looked troubled. “She did not think me worthy to be a father. She wanted another man’s child, not mine.”

 

“That is unfair to you,” Penelope protested. “She was already in love. One day, you will father a child of your own. And the mother will have chosen you, wholeheartedly. Married you, taken your name.”

 

“She will choose me?” Colin said, his fingers beginning their work between her legs.

 

Penelope nodded. “Yes, she will want to have your baby. Desperately. She will feel honoured by the mere thought of it.”

 

Colin leaned in to kiss her neck but she could feel him working at his belt, unbuttoning his trousers. “You are saying that she would want to carry my heir?”

 

“More than anything,” she said breathlessly, and he groaned, pushing inside her until she was so full she could not think.

 

She questioned the memory, turning it over in her mind, until she fell into a fitful sleep. When she awoke the next day, she could think of little else. Penelope had not expected to feel so grateful for her nausea, but it provided a convenient reason to delay facing the Bridgertons. As she lay in bed, willing herself not to empty her stomach yet again, she thought of Colin’s confession the night before. And she thought of all the times they had been together since that day on the lake. 

 

She had not thought it so strange at the time, the way he asked her to reassure him while they were intimate. The way he would speak of giving her his spend, asking her if she wanted it, if she liked the way he filled her. She did not know what he meant, not entirely, but she knew that she would take any part of Colin that he wanted to give. So she said yes.

 

When he lay with his head on her breasts, after, lazily stroking her stomach, she had not given it a second thought. He was always affectionate, always tender. It was in his nature.

 

Now, with his confession, she wondered. She wanted to make sense of it. But that time was not right now. Instead, she rolled over to face the window, determined to ride the rolling waves of nausea without acting on them.

 

Her door opened suddenly and Eloise stood there, a book in each hand, breathless and with a look of pure victory on her face.

 

“Ha! They are trying to keep me away from you but I won’t allow it!”

 

Penelope tried to sit up, grateful that she had at least dressed with the help of her maid. The motion made her stomach roll but she attempted a smile anyway. Eloise might be able to distract her from the misery her body was experiencing.

 

More footsteps clamoured down the hall, along with a soft tide of voices. Eloise quickly shut the door, leaning against it.

 

“Eloise, open the door please,” called Violet from the other side.

 

“Penelope and I have private business with one another,” Eloise shouted back. Penelope could hear other Bridgertons chiming in, but it was Colin’s deep voice that moved her to swing her legs off the bed. To do what, she wasn’t certain, but she could no longer remain frozen.

 

The commotion was so loud and the room felt as though it was spinning and soon Penelope was rushing to her chamber pot. She dimly heard Eloise make a noise of disgust and the door opened again. 

 

“Oh, Penelope, why did you not call for help?” Violet asked, rushing to her side as she saw what was happening. To her embarrassment, Penelope realised that Colin, Benedict, and Hyacinth had followed Lady Bridgerton into the room and were also bearing witness to her display. 

 

“I thought it would improve as it did yesterday,” Penelope rasped. 

 

Violet turned to her children as she helped Penelope up and guided her toward the bed to lay down. “Please allow Penelope her privacy,” she ordered, directing her next statement at Eloise, “ as I requested.”

 

“Penelope is my best friend. If she is ill, I shan’t leave her side.” Eloise determinedly grabbed Penelope’s hand even as she grimaced.

 

“I will not be leaving either,” Colin said. Penelope should feel embarrassed but instead she reached her other hand out to him. It was difficult to resist his presence. Eloise gave a cry of outrage as Colin took his sister by the shoulders and moved her gently aside, brushing the hair from Penelope’s eyes.

 

“Children!” Violet had never spoken so sharply to them in Penelope’s presence, but the four seemed unperturbed.

 

“What?” asked Benedict, “I am simply here for the entertainment.”

 

“As am I,” Hyacinth proclaimed, her hair ribbons bobbing with how emphatically she was nodding.

 

“Benedict, you should be setting an example for your siblings, not encouraging them,” said Violet sharply. “All of you! Out!”

 

Colin bore his eyes into his mother’s and she sighed. “Very well. Everyone except Colin, return to luncheon. I will join you shortly.”

 

“Why is Colin allowed to stay and not I?” protested Eloise as Benedict took her arm and led her out the door. “Tell him, Penelope. Tell him that I am your favourite Bridgerton!”

 

Thankfully, Violet shut the door firmly behind them before Penelope was forced to utter a falsehood and then turned her attention back to the bed. She sighed at the sight of Colin wetting his handkerchief in the cool water of her basin and pressing it to Penelope’s forehead.

 

“Colin, have you any care for Penelope’s reputation? Or for the innocence of your sisters?”

 

Penelope closed her eyes so she would not have to witness Violet’s disappointment or the hurt look on Colin’s face.

 

“I will not abandon her for the sake of propriety, and I cannot believe you would ask me to.”

 

“Dearest, be reasonable. I only ask that you be far more discreet with your sentiment until your engagement can be announced. The two of you will be married within the week and then you can show as much affection for Penelope as you wish.” Violet paused, looking between the two of them thoughtfully. “Within reason of course.”

 

“Allow us our privacy and then there will be no risk of the others seeing us. You have been keeping me from her all morning, and she has been ill and alone the entire time!”

 

“That is out of the question,” Violet said firmly.

 

Penelope had never seen mother and son so at odds before, and it saddened her greatly to be at the centre of it. The Bridgertons were different from her own family; they may be boisterous and teasing but there was never truly ill will between them. She wished to make peace between them if she could.

 

“I am well, Colin. And your mother is correct, we must not dishonour the family or scandalise your sisters.”

 

“If that is your wish, I will maintain my distance,” Colin replied. It was as if she were blasted by an icy draft as he deliberately stepped away from her and took on a formal tone. 

 

“All will be resolved soon,” Violet said soothingly. 

 

“Am I at least allowed to make my proposal in private? Or will we be denied that as well?” he asked. 

 

Penelope’s heart fluttered at the way he spoke of it, as if he wanted the moment to be special. Colin was a sentimental sort, she knew that. He would already be denied so much because of her foolishness– his choice in wife, his tour. If she could give him an experience he dreamed of, she would do it.

 

“Please Lady Bridgerton,” she said, struggling to sit up. Colin immediately came to her side to help her, fluffing the pillow behind her. HIs eyes had brightened at her contribution to the conversation. “We will behave ourselves, you have my word. Now that I understand what leads to babies…”

 

Violet held her hand out, relieving Penelope of the responsibility to discuss it further. 

 

“I am not certain being alone is wise,” she said reluctantly. “And it may not occur in Penelope’s bedchamber regardless.”

 

Colin scoffed. “I have another idea in mind entirely. Might I take Penelope on a promenade this afternoon?”

 

Violet pursed her lips and Penelope shifted uncomfortably under her gaze. She folded her hands demurely in her lap, trying to appear trustworthy and chaste. 

 

“Very well,” Violet finally said. “ If Penelope is feeling well enough and if I accompany you as your chaperone.”

 

Collin nodded smartly, but Penelope could see he was trying to fight a victorious grin. She still felt rather ill, but she knew that she would do everything in her power to accompany him later that day. If nothing else, so that she could begin to understand him before she became his wife.

 

Notes:

Thank you so much to Elle018 for giving me feedback on this while in line at the airport. She really is a legend and her shameless reading of Polin fic anywhere and everywhere is peak Elle. I wonder if any of the TSA agents got an eyeful? 🤔

I loved all your comments on the last chapter, they were so funny. 😂 Best readers ever.

Chapter 8

Penelope sat beside Violet, looking out over the great lawn and waiting for Colin to arrive. Even though Violet had been everything kind, arranging for a tray of plain toast and ginger tea to settle her stomach, Penelope could think of nothing to say in her embarrassment. She had already imposed on the Bridgertons’ kindness as a guest, one who spent her days in mourning, and now she was visiting scandal upon them. Her chest grew tight whenever she thought of it, leaving her tongue tied.

 

When she looked up, Colin was striding toward them from the direction of the gardens, a serious frown on his face. 

 

“Good day, Mother, Penelope,” he greeted them. “Shall we?” 

 

He offered Penelope his arm and Violet nodded her permission when Penelope looked to her for approval. There was a tightness around Lady Bridgerton’s eyes that betrayed her discomfort with the situation, but Penelope was relieved that there was sympathy as well. 

 

Penelope took Colin’s arm, trembling a bit to touch him in front of his mother. Now that Lady Bridgerton knew…oh, it was mortifying. She bit her lip and they began slowly down the path, their chaperone walking a few paces behind to give them some semblance of privacy. 

 

“How are you feeling?” Colin asked in a low undertone. 

 

“Much better,” Penelope managed to say, despite her nerves. She hadn’t felt so uncomfortable around Colin in ages. “The mornings are the most difficult.”

 

“It will be better soon,” Colin said with a pat to her arm. “When I can attend to you more closely.”

 

The implications embarrassed her further, especially with Violet so near, so she gave a stilted little nod but said nothing else. She could feel his gaze on the side of her face, examining her closely, and his frown deepened.

 

She had not been attending to her surroundings closely, but soon she realised they were approaching the little glade where Colin had come upon her. It had been her first time alone with him at Aubrey Hall. 

 

The path ended and she could see a picnic laid out under a friendly looking tree. Every comfort had been considered, from the cushions littering the plush blanket, to the awning the servants had stretched above it to provide shade.  

 

Colin led her carefully to the blanket, offering his support as she settled on the ground and tenderly adjusting an array of cushions around her. Violet cleared her throat when he placed one at the curve of her hip, and he let out a huff of annoyance. 

 

“Please excuse me for a moment,” he said to Penelope. The irritation in his voice was clear and it saddened her that he wasn’t getting on well with his family because of her. He and Violet walked several paces away so Penelope could only hear snippets of their conversation.

 

“Mother, you must make some allowances to ensure Penelope’s comfort,” he said tersely.

 

“And you, my son, must make allowances for propriety until you are married,” Violet replied.

 

“There is no one else present! Surely you can look the other way while I care for my wife.”

 

“I cannot trust you, Colin. And I will not be easy until the two of you are wed.”

 

Penelope felt another wave of nausea but this time it was not due to the baby. Even Violet doubted Colin because of her, and she knew how deeply that would hurt him. She could see it in his posture, the way he would straighten his back and lift his chin haughtily when he felt insulted. 

 

He and Violet lowered their voices so she could no longer hear, but she could see their conversation had grown heated. Colin placed a hand beseechingly on his mother’s arm, and Penelope could see Violet listening carefully. Their eyes met at one point and Penelope quickly looked away, but there was soft understanding on Violet’s face that had not been there before. 

 

“Very well,” she said after a short pause. “You have ten minutes.” Penelope’s eyes widened as Violet nodded at her and walked a short way away from the glade, hiding herself among the trees.

 

Colin walked back to the blanket, smiling at her. 

 

“May I offer you a refreshment?” he asked. “I had the kitchen prepare everything as I wasn’t sure what would appeal to you.”

 

Penelope was touched as he gestured toward trays with every array of drink, finger sandwiches, and little cakes. He assisted her with a glass of punch and a cucumber sandwich, their fingers brushing as he handed her the plate.

 

She could not eat though, not when she was so fraught with emotion. She managed a small smile and a tiny bite of the cucumber sandwich, but that was all.

 

She was startled when she felt a soft finger stroking her cheek, coaxing her into looking up. 

 

“Are you truly so angry with me?” Colin asked quietly. “You will not even look at me.”

 

“No, no. I could never be angry with you,” she assured him. “I am only a little overwhelmed. I do not know how to act.”

 

There was so much that must be decided between them, but she felt unequipped for it.

 

“I understand, but I will take care of you. You need not worry over anything,” he said confidently.

 

Penelope could almost believe him when his dear face was so near to her. When he was looking at her so affectionately, his hand reaching for hers so his thumb could stroke her palm.

 

“Penelope, we only have a few moments alone, so I must speak to you seriously. I know these circumstances are not ideal, I know that you wished for more time. But I want only to care for you. To comfort you as you have always comforted me. To be your dearest friend and to have you be mine. Will you be my wife?”

 

The tears she had been holding in escaped, and she nodded as they ran down her face. She loved Colin, and it was not the proposal she would have dreamed of when she debuted. It was not one of passion and undying love. Colin valued her for her friendship, for the way they understood one another. It would be enough, she was sure, even if a little ache in her heart protested that he would not have wanted her if she was not having his child. Perhaps her father’s death had hardened her a little, for she knew now that life was not a fairy tale. Colin was a good man, and while she could not make sense of his actions, she trusted he would be a kind husband and father. 

 

At her acceptance, Colin’s eyes became tearful as well and when he pulled her to his chest his voice became thick with emotion. “Penelope, my darling friend.” His hand came to rest on the swell of her belly and he pressed kiss after kiss atop her head. She allowed herself to be held for a moment, closing her eyes and enjoying the feel of his solid warmth. It would be enough, she told herself. For her and their child.

 

Then they heard Violet coming up the path. She seemed to make a deliberate effort to alert them with loud footsteps and snapping of branches. Penelope pushed herself away and Colin began patting in his pocket for something. Violet watched from a respectful distance as Colin opened a ring box and placed a delicate circle of pearls on Penelope’s finger. Through a veil of emotion, she thanked Colin and accepted Violet’s heartfelt best wishes.

______

The day had taken on a surreal quality as they announced their engagement to the family at dinner. Eloise had been shocked and had barely spoken to Penelope for the rest of the meal, retiring early before they could meet in the drawing room. Colin remained by her side, but she did not know how to speak to him in company. There was a very strange air between them, as if they did not know one another at all. Anthony had returned with their special licence and they could barely breathe without him noticing and raising an eyebrow in disapproval. Benedict was all murmured quips and amused smiles. While Penelope did not understand most of his innuendos, she could feel the tension when Violet would level him with a sharp gaze or Colin would stiffen at her side.

 

Finally, enough time had passed that it would not seem strange if she excused herself, and so she made her escape. But now, she could not sleep.

 

It was hot, even with her window open, and her nightgown, usually as soft as a whisper, scratched against her with every movement. Perhaps it was that her breasts were so sore and every brush of fabric irritated her.

 

Try as she might, she could not sleep, tossing and turning, trying to find a comfortable position. Penelope focused on the full moon, visible through the window, but even that could not soothe her or distract her from her thoughts. 

 

The only source of relief was to pull her nightgown off and toss it to the floor. She would retrieve it in the morning. Penelope arranged her pillows behind her in bed and sat up, arranging the covers over her waist and lighting a candle on her nightstand. Perhaps reading for a time would make her drowsy. 

 

Three chapters later and she was no closer to sleep. She threw her book aside in frustration, resolved to spend the night in contemplation. Then she heard the telltale sounds of Colin arriving for a visit. The little servant’s door opened and he hunched down to enter the room.

 

“Penelope,” he breathed when his eyes found her in the dim candlelight. 

 

“I apologise,” she replied as she gathered the linens to cover herself. “I was not expecting you this evening.”

 

Colin nodded tightly. “I should have told you, it is only…I was afraid you would tell me not to come.”  

 

“You are always welcome in my bedchamber,” Penelope rushed to assure him. She hated that he should feel any discomfort around her. It was not his fault that she was irritable and achy. “I cannot sleep and I discarded my nightgown in an effort to relieve my…troubles. Perhaps you can retrieve it for me.”

 

Colin came closer as she spoke, and Penelope found herself wishing that he would come nearer still. She was exhausted and fretful and her body did not feel like her own. She wanted to smell his familiar masculine scent, nestle herself into the spot in his arms that felt like home. To go back to even a week earlier, before their relationship to each other had changed so drastically.

 

“What troubles you? Are you feeling ill again?”

 

Penelope shook her head. “No, that seems to abate in the evening. It is rather undignified to speak of…”

 

She bit her lip, determined not to say more, but Colin sat beside her and took her hand.

 

“Nothing you say could be unwelcome,” he coaxed. “Is it related to your condition?”

 

“I don’t believe so, but it is difficult to know for certain. Your mother has only told me that my aversion to food is because of our baby.”

 

“Our baby,” Colin repeated, so quietly that Penelope wasn’t certain he had done so. At any rate, she was distracted by the way he moved closer to her, sitting back against the pillows and leaning his head against the top of hers so she would follow suit. She did so love to cuddle into his side and rest her head on his shoulder. “You must tell me so that I can ease your pain. After all, you will be my wife soon.” 

 

There was a hint of pride in his voice and Penelope suddenly wanted to smile. He did not sound unhappy and that thought eased her enough to speak to him again as she had before.

 

“I suppose I can tell you, if you are to be my husband. My breasts, they ache. They feel so tender that even my nightgown causes me pain. That is why I was lying in bed in such an unladylike way,” she explained with some embarrassment.

 

“Oh Pen,” he said sympathetically. “That is very miserable indeed, and I believe it is because my seed took within you. Since it is entirely my fault, I must be the source of your relief.”

 

“How?” Penelope asked, her mouth parting as Colin gently took the linens from her hand and dropped them around her waist. He adjusted himself on the bed facing her, pulling the covers back so her body was exposed.

 

“I will kiss it better,” he said, leaning in to meet her mouth with his own. “Wife.”

 

She gasped a little at the heated way he said it, at the feel of his mouth on her neck, and then the way he covered her breasts with kisses. Colin was so gentle, overwhelming her with the softest, sweetest touch she could imagine, and leaving no part of her unattended. She moaned as he made his way over the undersides of her breasts, gasped at the tender kiss he placed on each nipple. There was just a glimmer of pain beneath the pleasure but somehow it sharpened her arousal.

 

“Colin, please,” she whispered.

 

“Am I hurting you?” he asked, his beautiful eyes suddenly attentive to her face and any expression of discomfort there. 

 

“Don’t stop. It feels good,” she replied. “Only now I feel so empty. It aches in a different way.”

 

“Poor girl,” Colin tutted and then licked over an already hard nipple. “But it may not be safe for the baby.”

 

“But you said as my husband you would care for me,” she protested. Perhaps it was shamelessly wanton of her, but she wanted him. She had not been able to have him in days. “Please, please.”

 

“I will bring you release another way,” he said. His mouth was hot against the side of her breast, for he seemed determined to continue soothing her. “With my fingers or my mouth.”

 

“Please Colin, “ she pleaded. “It is the only thing that will help or I will ache and ache all night.”

 

“You beg so sweetly, Pen, it is unfair.” She was pleased that he was unbuttoning his trousers though. In her experience, it was rare to get her own way and in this she would be satisfied. “Lay on your side, sweet wife.”

 

Her face flushed. She loved it when Colin would call her his dearest friend, but it was nothing to when he called her his wife. She did as he asked and soon he found her entrance and pushed inside.

 

“Oh, Colin,” she moaned in relief. 

 

“Call me husband,” he corrected. 

 

“Husband,” she amended. “Please, move.”

 

“I won’t until I know it is safe,” he said apologetically. “But I will please you this way and you can feel me when you find release.”

 

Colin’s hand found its way to the sensitive bud between her legs. He circled and teased it until she was begging for him to make love to her more forcefully, but he remained resolute. She was grateful he stretched her so well, for it was maddening to have him inside her when he refused to move. When she reached her peak she pulsed around him, and it was only then that his hips stuttered gently against her and he spent himself. 

 

Penelope was so warm and safe and comfortable in his arms that he was still inside her when she fell into much needed sleep. 

 

Notes:

Thank you for all the lovely comments! I know some people still wonder what Colin is thinking, and there will be some more flashbacks coming up where you’ll understand where he was coming from. But no need to rush! Penelope is still in a bit of a haze but things will clear up over time.

A huge thank you to Elle018 for being my beta! If only there were merch with her face on it, I would be an extremely happy person. C’mon Netflix, just one tiny photo collage t-shirt with our Polin super beta on it. I beg you. 🙏

Chapter 9

Penelope opened her door a crack and listened. 

 

She had been correct. Even from the second floor, she could hear the arrival of her mother and sisters, with all the loud exclamations and overwrought compliments she had been expecting. She chewed at her lip. The Viscount had called on Lady Featherington when he returned to London for a special licence, and she knew that Colin had written a letter to be delivered on his behalf asking for Penelope’s hand. But she wasn’t certain if her mother knew all the circumstances that led to her nuptials. 

 

Even Eloise didn’t know. Anthony and Violet had ordered that the younger Bridgerton siblings were not to be informed of her pregnancy, as it would raise difficult questions. Keeping such a secret from her best friend weighed on her heart. She wondered if there would be a time when she could fully reveal herself and explain how this rushed marriage came to be.  As things stood, Eloise had retreated to her previous distance with Penelope and there was little she could do about it.

 

Now her family had arrived for the wedding and there would be no buffer between them.

 

Penelope went to the floor-length mirror by her desk and examined her appearance from every angle. She was still in half mourning so she was wearing grey, which she knew her mother would criticise for making her appear sallow. But there was little she could do about it. At least her skin was clear and her hair arranged in becoming loose waves tied back with a ribbon. There was nothing untidy to her appearance. 

 

Colin strode in through the open door, a smile upon his face. She watched his approach in the mirror, and then he was glancing behind him to ensure they had privacy. He wrapped his arms around her waist, splaying his hands on her belly and pressing a soft kiss to her neck. 

 

“How is my beautiful bride?” he asked. 

 

She flushed at the compliment. Colin was very good to her. Ever since their betrothal he had seemed so full of joy that even she was halfway convinced that he was an eager bridegroom. And the way he smiled always reminded her of his trusted friendship. Somehow she felt more ease between them after he soothed her so well last night. Like even this unexpected news wouldn’t stop him from comforting her.

 

“A little nervous to see my mother,” she confided. “I’m uncertain if she knows.”

 

Her face pinched into a worried expression, and she tried her best to smooth it, suddenly mindful of her mother’s warnings about appearing sour in front of gentlemen. It must be the distant sound of Portia’s cackling laughter that did it.

 

Colin nodded understandingly and pulled her tight against him.

 

“Anthony told her that Mother suspected an attachment and did not want to risk scandal with you as our guest. Does that please you?”

 

Penelope bit her lip. “Yes, it would be rather uncomfortable to discuss…the kindness you have shown me.” 

 

Colin’s expression went very still. “Kindness?” he prompted.

 

Penelope nodded, urging herself to meet his eyes despite her shyness. “Your touch,” she said quietly. “I do not think she would understand our friendship…our understanding.”

 

“Penelope, I–” Colin’s arms stiffened around her. “I am not sure I understand our understanding. What are you referring to?”

 

“That you touched me out of friendship…out of comfort. Because I was grieving. We did not mean to be improper.” Penelope couldn’t make out Colin’s reaction. As he grew sterner and sterner, she began to babble. “And well, I know that you knew how babies are made. But it was not our intention to start a family. You were simply helping me. And we did not wish to cause any trouble or bring scandal to our families, or…”

 

“And that is why you touched me as well? Why you listened to me?” he asked stiffly. “It was all out of friendship?”

 

Penelope blinked as he pulled away. She did not wish to tell a falsehood, and it was true that Colin was a very dear friend to her. But truthfully she had done all of those things because she loved him.

 

“Yes, because of how greatly I care for you,” she said, trying to adhere to the truth without making him uncomfortable. “Because I long to see you happy and…and like my Colin.”

 

“Your Colin?” he asked, his eyes beginning to sparkle at her again.

 

“My kind, feeling, slightly excitable Colin,” she smiled, hoping she had walked the line of truth skillfully enough without revealing all of her feelings.

 

“And your friend,” Colin pressed, staring intently at her. “Your friend, Colin.”

 

“Yes, my friend.” 

 

Colin looked away then, clearing his throat. “How good to hear that. Perhaps I should allow you to finish readying yourself.”

 

Penelope’s stomach dropped. Had she said it wrong? Is that why he wished to leave her?

 

“Please, Colin. I had thought…I need you.” She stood wringing her hands, cursing herself for being too obvious. Now she would be left to face her mother alone, when she had hoped to have him by her side. 

 

“What do you need?” he asked, coming closer to her immediately. “Are you ill? Hurting?”

 

He glanced down at her breasts and she shook her head.

 

“I am a little uncomfortable but I am well. I thought you might stay with me as I greet my mother and sisters. I do not wish to be alone. I will not know what to say or how to charm her as you would.”

 

Colin held out his arm immediately. “Of course, Pen. Allow me to take care of everything.”

 

“Thank you,” she said, sighing with relief. “And please, do not allow them to serve the smoked salmon sandwiches. Our little Bridgerton will make himself known immediately if they do.”

 

“Well, we can’t have our little Bridgerton giving away our secrets, can we?” he asked happily. Colin’s face lit up completely now and she relished the warmth of his hand on her stomach yet again. There was something about the way he cradled it so gently that touched her heart. He would be a wonderful father. 

 

Penelope was correct and Colin knew just how to charm her mother. He flattered her, firmly steered the conversation away from any criticism of Penelope, and generally made Lady Featherington feel as if the wedding had been her idea all along. 

 

There was a particularly uncomfortable moment when returning to London was mentioned. She knew her swift marriage, while in half mourning no less, would be remarked upon. Penelope would need to think carefully about how Lady Whistledown would manage the scandal in order to protect the Bridgerton name—and her own child—from derision. Colin, who was sitting beside her, holding her hand, had squeezed it, as if he knew precisely what she was thinking. 

 

Perhaps he did, for she remembered a conversation they had about Marina’s speedy marriage to Sir Philip, and the propriety of that. Although her cousin’s bereavement had not been recognized by society, Colin had still been concerned about it. It pained her to think of his care for another woman and she hoped that he would be able to move on from those feelings eventually. 

 

Penelope lay face down on the blanket, enjoying the feel of the sun on her bare body. She had never imagined doing something so scandalous as laying outside in the nude. But Colin had brought her to this secluded part of the garden to escape some visiting neighbours, and then they had talked, and that had somehow led to Colin positioning her on her hands and knees and taking her so energetically that she had collapsed afterwards into a puddle of satisfaction. It was the second time they had engaged in coupling and she was taken aback at how wild she felt as he comforted her. It was as though the world of society didn’t exist, here in the outdoors. 

 

He was still caressing her, running his hands over every inch of her as if he needed to memorise each curve. 

 

“How soon do you think it is proper to marry?” he asked quietly.

 

“What do you mean?” she asked lazily. Her mind was still in a fog and Colin was running his hands over the round of her bottom. She hoped he would never stop.

 

“After a loss?” he said delicately. Almost as if he was worried for her reaction. 

 

Penelope thought of Marina and tried to push away the shard of ice that pierced her heart. Colin was thinking of her again, perhaps realising that she must have married Sir Philip by now. She wondered if he was thinking of his wedding to Marina, and what it would have been like if he had married her after her mourning for George was over.

 

“I…I do not know. It is not my place to say.”

 

Colin hummed. “But surely you have some opinion. I wish to hear it. We are friends, you must not demur as ladies are taught to do.”

 

She hated to think of Colin’s prospects this way, even when she knew Marina was safely married and could not take him from Penelope. Not that she truly had him, except as a friend. But lately his attention had been focused on her, and she guarded her time with him jealously. After all, it was no small thing to keep Eloise at bay, but she had accomplished it through the use of clever excuses. But somehow Marina haunted her, even when she was miles away. Colin deserved her comfort regardless, so she tried to provide an unbiased answer.

 

“I suppose it would be important for the heart to heal first. So that the marriage could be entered into with joy.”

 

“So you think it best to wait? For the mourning period to pass?” he asked, beginning to press gentle kisses across her back.

 

She moaned quietly. It was very hard to think when his tenderness made her wish for more of him. 

 

“I believe so. But Colin, you need time to heal as well. From your broken heart. There is no need to worry about what might be just yet.”

 

“It is not a broken heart I suffer from,” he replied, laying beside her and meeting her mouth with his. “I do not wish to disappoint my family, or bring dishonour to them. It is difficult not to rush however. A love match is my greatest wish.”

 

Oh, perhaps he was not thinking of Marina. He must be turning his thoughts to other possibilities, now that she was spoken for. A wave of sadness washed over Penelope. She had come to depend on him so much, and soon another lady would steal his focus. She decided to be honest, for Colin’s blue eyes were so close to her own, so sweet and inviting.

 

“I must confess I hoped for more time with you, like this. Before you begin courting.”

 

Colin looked at her softly. “So you believe there should be a courtship? When the season begins?”

 

It was like torture, being asked such questions by the man she loved. Her heart beat faster like the ticking of a clock, counting down the minutes until she would ache and long for him as much as she ever had. She must simply make the most of what they had left. And they would always be friends in some fashion, she could not imagine Colin shutting her out completely.

 

“Yes,” she replied reluctantly. “When the season begins. But for now, will you touch me again?”

 

Colin nodded, running his fingers slowly through her hair before capturing her against his gentle mouth yet again.

 

She shook the painful thoughts from her mind. It had been a long day entertaining her family, dodging overly familiar questions and avoiding being alone with her mother. Now Penelope was lying awake again, this time stripping her nightgown away immediately after her maid left. Colin would not mind when he arrived for his nightly visit; he would wish for her comfort. 

 

But she had been waiting quite some time now, tossing and turning, and she began to doubt that he would come at all tonight. The thought was wrenching. She wanted him to hold her. Kiss her. Reassure her that all would be well at their wedding the next day. It would only be a small ceremony in the drawing room, and Violet had organised a tea on the great lawn afterwards for their families. 

 

Soon she would be his wife, and she hoped they would share a bed every night.

 

The thought of it spurred her to seek him out. She hastily covered herself in her dressing gown and slippers and made her way through the familiar passage to Colin’s bedchamber. The door creaked open slowly so she had time to peek inside. Colin was at his desk, writing, but her appearance caught his attention.

 

“Pen! Is the baby well?” he asked, rising quickly.

 

“I believe so,” she said shyly, suddenly sheepish about admitting why she had come. She toyed with the sash on her robe, coming closer to his desk. He began to tidy it, closing the book despite the ink not yet being dry on his parchment. 

 

“Are you having difficulty sleeping?” he asked, his gaze flicking down to where her dressing gown gaped open a bit before returning to her face.

 

“The wedding…”

 

Colin frowned, his hands gripping the edge of the desk. “Pen– surely you see that we must marry. Even if it was all a misunderstanding.”

 

Her mouth dropped open. The thought of calling off the wedding had never crossed her mind.  “No, that is not– I am afraid to have everyone’s eyes on me tomorrow. To bring your mother shame by revealing my condition somehow.” 

 

“My mother loves you,” Colin said, his brow furrowing. “She is disappointed in me, but she is nothing but protective of you.”

 

She paused. “Would you hold me?”

 

“Always,” he said softly, coming around the desk to lead her toward his bed. He reached for the ribbon at her waist and tugged it loose, sliding the dressing gown over her shoulders. “Let me make you more comfortable,” he murmured, kissing the creamy skin there and then helping her into his bed. He undressed as well and slid in beside her. 

 

The firm warmth of him was so relaxing that she let out a contented sigh as soon as he drew her into his arms. She loved the way his skin felt against hers, the feeling of being surrounded by him. 

“I will be by your side tomorrow,” he reassured her. “If you begin to feel ill, I will provide a distraction. And we have nothing to be ashamed of. Our baby is perfect and beautiful.”

 

Penelope smiled. “You have not met him yet.”

 

Colin pressed a kiss to her hair. “Ah, but I have met his mother. How can he be anything but extraordinary when he will be half you?”

 

She rolled over to face him, cradling his cheek in her hand. “And he has a wonderful father. A man who is very dear to me.”

 

Colin kissed her then, and all thoughts of sleeping slipped away from them until they lay tangled together after.

 

Notes:

Thank you to my sleeping beauty, Elle018, for her beta this morning! She really helped me work out some tricky parts.

Thank you for all your lovely comments about this Polin. I hope this chapter clears up some of what Colin was thinking (or not thinking, as the case may be!)

Chapter 10

Colin shouldn’t be here.

 

Penelope knew it was foolish, even if the wedding was taking place later that morning. 

 

He had insisted on walking her back to her bedchamber before sunrise, but then refused to leave when he realized she was becoming unwell.

 

But her mother and sisters were sleeping right down the hallway, not to mention Colin’s family. If Violet knew that Penelope had broken her trust yet again, Penelope would die of shame. Especially after how kind the woman had been to her.

 

She retched again.

 

Colin made sympathetic sounds, rubbing her back.

 

“Shall I fetch anything for you?” he asked as she slumped back against his chest, exhausted.

 

“I will be well, but you must return to your own bedchamber. The house is awakening.”

 

She could hear movement in the halls, the quiet opening and shutting of doors. She moaned as the anxious flutter in her stomach became another wave of nausea.

 

“I’ll not leave you, Pen. Not when you’re so unwell.” Colin’s arms tightened around her. 

 

In the mirror on the wall near her bed, Penelope could see the stubborn set to his jaw. But his eyes were everything tender as he pushed a damp strand of hair from her face and dropped a kiss on the top of her head. Her own face had gone pale, but she could not bring herself to be embarrassed about her appearance.

 

“You are so good to me,” she whispered, filled with affection for him. She let her head drop back, closing her eyes and breathing deeply to avoid succumbing to her nausea again. 

 

“Sweet Pen,” he whispered back, rubbing his cheek against her hair. He slid his hand lower on his belly and began to speak with a teasing firmness. “Baby, you must be kinder to your mother.”

 

It sent a little thrill through Penelope to hear him speak thus until she heard a sharp gasp from the doorway. 

 

Eloise stood in the doorway, hastily dressed with her hair undone. Perhaps she had hoped for some uninterrupted time with Penelope before the wedding. Perhaps she had simply come to express again her disappointment in the marriage. Either way, her face was twisted in anger. She quickly stepped into the room and shut the door behind her.

 

“You are with child?” she demanded.

 

“Eloise, give us a moment!” Colin said, shifting Penelope in his arms so she was shielded. 

 

“Why are you here?” Eloise cried as she turned her back. Colin quickly threw on his shirt and pants that had been discarded next to the bed and then fetched Penelope her dressing gown so she would be wearing more than a shift.

 

“Is it not obvious?” Colin said. “I am caring for my betrothed, who is feeling unwell. What are you doing here?”

Eloise ignored Colin completely at that. “Are you dressed? Or shall I be tortured by your scandalous lack of dress if I turn around?”

 

“Eloise!” Colin said sharply. It was the tone he saved for his younger siblings when he needed to remind them that he was the elder brother. He did not use it often. “You will not say such things in front of Penelope. She is in a delicate state.”

 

“Because of you, I suppose.” Eloise turned around and stalked toward the bed, forcing Penelope to meet her eyes. “Is this why you abandoned me this summer?”

 

“I haven’t!” Penelope objected, but in her heart she knew it was untrue. It was overwhelming to be near Eloise, her constant chatter and grievances about society grating when Penelope was drowning in grief. All she wanted was to be near Colin. He was her home, his arms were the only place she felt at peace.

 

Eloise scoffed. “Now I understand why he wanted you here. Why he begged Anthony and Mother to invite you. So he could use you like a harlot.”

 

Penelope began to shake, a sick chill seeping through her entire body as the words washed over her. Eloise had seen into her soul and judged her in the way she most feared.

 

“Get out!” Colin cried, wrapping his arms around Penelope as he stood next to the bed. “Now!”

 

“Fine,” Eloise said with a careless shrug. But Penelope could see she was already beginning to regret her words. It was in the lost look in her eyes, the way she shifted nervously even as her shoulders were rigid with tension.

 

“No, wait,” Penelope said, wriggling free of Colin’s arms so she could hold out a hand to Eloise. “I wanted to tell you but…” She trailed off helplessly, looking to Colin for help. He still looked furious but he would never leave her to flounder alone.

 

“Mother and Anthony forbid Penelope to tell you or the younger children.” Colin levelled her with a stare. “And I agree with them. You are far too childish to understand any of this.”

 

“Colin…” Penelope moaned. It came upon her suddenly, that wretched rising up that plagued her. Colin understood immediately and helped her as she bent over and retched again.

 

Eloise did not turn away, although Penelope knew the sight must disgust her. When the worst was over and she sagged in Colin’s arms, she began to cry from sheer exhaustion as Eloise watched in silence. She could only imagine the thoughts that must be running through her mind– how stupid Penelope was for allowing a man near her in such a way, how terrible a friend she was for keeping a secret such as this. 

 

It was then that there was a soft knock at the door and then Violet’s warm voice as she entered the room. “It is your wedding day, beautiful bride!” she said, and then she registered the scene before her. Colin was dressed, but hastily so, and Eloise still stood near the bed, hands on her hips and glaring.

 

“Mother, Colin has ruined Penelope!” Eloise cried. “And you allowed it!”

 

Violet took a deep breath and crossed to take Eloise’s hand. “Dear, this is nothing you need concern yourself with. You are a young lady and it is improper for you to speak of it.”

 

“I may not understand how this happened, but I know it was wrong, and it was Colin’s fault!”

 

“Eloise, no,” Penelope said weakly, trying to sit up straight despite her fatigue. “Colin cares for me. He did nothing wrong.”

 

“He is a rake!” Eloise said. “A villain! And all of you knew and didn’t tell me.” 

 

Violet grasped Eloise’s arm. “That is enough. It is their wedding day, and you will not spoil it for them. There is time enough for discussions later.”

 

“There will be no need for discussion, for I am never speaking to either of you again!” Eloise said with a final withering glare. Penelope let out a little sob and buried herself against Colin’s side as she stormed from the room. An awkward silence descended after the door slammed.

 

“Colin,” Violet finally sighed. “You could not wait one more day to spend the night with your bride?” She rubbed at her temple, suddenly looking very tired indeed. It made Penelope’s heart pang with guilt for this woman she loved like a mother.

 

“I am sorry, Lady Bridgerton. I asked him to stay.”

 

Colin stood straighter. “No, Penelope, you will not take all the fault upon yourself.” He turned his gaze to Violet. “As her husband, I will decide how to care for Penelope. She is in a delicate condition, and she needs me. I will not have her reproached any longer, by Eloise or you or Anthony.”

 

Violet held up her hands. “You will be an excellent husband, I do not question that. But please, the more who know of this, the greater the risk of scandal later on. Let us get through the wedding without Penelope’s mother or sisters learning the truth.” Violet looked at Penelope apologetically. “I am sorry to say so, my dear, but I am certain your mother would raise a fuss if she learned. And that would make things much harder for both you and your beautiful child.”

 

Penelope nodded. “I understand.” She allowed herself one more moment to bask in Colin’s embrace and then looked up at him. “I shall miss you, but perhaps you should go before more of the household awakes.”

 

Colin looked reluctant, but he finally nodded. “Mother, please see that a maid comes with some ginger tea for Penelope and a slice of stale bread. She needs to settle her stomach and regain her strength.” How he looked so dignified and stern with a rumpled shirt and hair sticking up on one side of his head, Penelope would never know. 

 

Violet smiled with a knowing look. “I will care for her myself until she is well. I promise she is in good hands until your wedding.”

 

“Do not allow Eloise near her,” he warned. He rarely spoke with such authority, but Penelope found she quite liked it. Colin was so protective of her, and it warmed her spirit even as she was saddened that matters stood where they did with Eloise.

 

“I will manage your sister,” Violet said decisively. “However, it would be best if you have Anthony contain her to his study until Penelope is feeling better and I can speak to her.”

 

“Gladly,” Colin said, and Penelope could feel the unspoken fury radiating through him. She squeezed him tighter, communicating her own comfort to him.

 

He pressed a kiss to her forehead and smiled at her sweetly. “The next time I see you, I will make you my wife.”

 

Penelope smiled back, her love for him overcoming the lingering nausea and her distress over her best friend. “Until then, husband,” she said. 

 

His gaze grew heated, and Penelope felt a shiver rock through her. Then Violet cleared her throat, and Colin winked before leaving the room. 

 

She lay back against her pillow and closed her eyes, trying to calm herself. Penelope had never experienced such a range of emotions in a day, let alone before even breaking her fast. But the constant through it all was Colin. He would be the best of husbands, soothing her, protecting her, making her laugh. She knew that he would see her through whatever came next. 

 

With that comforting thought she allowed Violet to place a cool cloth over her eyes, the older woman beginning to prepare her for her moment as a bride. Penelope placed a delicate hand where her child was growing and allowed herself to daydream about her groom. She imagined a little boy who looked just like him and smiled. 

 

This wedding could not come soon enough.

Notes:

Thank you so much to each and every one of you who left a comment! They really motivated me to keep going on this one, and working on The Caller helped jiggle this chapter loose from my brain. I hope you enjoyed the draaaaammmaaaa of Eloise going off. Don't worry, they'll work it out.

Thank you as always to Elle018 for being my beta. Without her there would be no continuity in my stories. None whatsoever. 😚 She is my other half.

Chapter 11

Her wedding day was the first time since her father’s death that she had worn colour, and that felt right to her. 

 

A seamstress from the village had been paid handsomely to make her dress in mere days. Bolts of fabric were brought to Aubrey Hall, with Violet standing there as she selected one. She could not remember ever having the choice before. Her mama always chose yellow and orange for her, but Penelope was drawn to a more subdued palette. Greens and blues, colours that brought to mind the meadows and forests and lakes where she and Colin found solitude. So she had chosen a lovely blue silk that matched the sky on a clear morning. It felt like a new beginning.

 

Later that evening, she had asked him about it as they lay in bed together.

 

“Would it please you to see your bride in blue?” She felt a little shy to ask for his approval so shamelessly, but his cheek was nestled against her belly so sweetly. He had been murmuring to the baby after he brought her to a release with his mouth, and now he appeared to be resting in the quiet. He looked up at her and smiled. She wondered at how he could use his mouth so wickedly and then melt her in the next instant with his tenderness.

 

“You please me in everything you wear. And even more when you wear nothing at all,” he said with a smirk as he ran a finger on the underside of her breast.

 

“Colin!” she giggled. He made her feel lighter than air. “Do be serious. You deserve to have at least one of your wishes honoured at this wedding.”

 

“What do you mean?’ he asked.

 

“Only that you didn’t get to choose your bride,” Penelope replied. The little smile playing at Colin’s lips dropped from his face, but she pressed forward. It was important they be honest with one another, even if it did make her feel a bit uncomfortable. “I want to make you happy. As happy as I possibly can.”

 

“You do make me happy, Penelope,” he said slowly. “Can you not feel it?”

 

She ran her fingers through his silky hair thoughtfully. “I can. It's simply that I know you planned to court one of the new debutantes when we returned for the season. We are such old friends, and I cannot compare to the novelty of a fresh romance.” She twisted one of his locks gently. He was rapt with attention but she couldn’t make out what he was thinking or if he understood what she was feeling. “I want to be beautiful for you, Colin.” 

 

She flushed to be so transparent in her need for his approval, his pleasure. But after all they had shared this summer, the way they had revealed all their wounds and flaws to one another, she couldn’t go back to hiding from him. 

 

Colin raised himself up on his arm and pressed an urgent kiss to her mouth. “Penelope, you are so, so beautiful to me. And even more so now that you are carrying my child.” He looked directly in her eyes. “Nothing could please me more than marrying you.”

 

He spoke so sincerely, but more than that, she could feel his affection for her. He really was such a good man, the dearest friend she could hope for.

 

“Thank you, Colin,” she replied and then she was pulling him toward her for more kisses. His lips felt more tentative against hers, and she wondered if speaking about the wedding had brought forth his nerves. Perhaps she should call to mind their baby, since that topic never failed to fascinate him. “And nothing could please me more than seeing you as a father.”

 

“Truly?” he asked, the most endearing boyishness crossing his face. 

 

“I remember you with little Hyacinth when she was young.” Penelope recalled thinking he was the nicest boy she had ever seen, cradling his newborn sister gently, even in the midst of his own grief. “Babies adore you.”

 

She wanted to add, I adore you , but she did not wish him to feel pressured to return the sentiment.

 

Besides, Colin was grinning at her happily, his mood much improved. 

 

“I could not have chosen a better father for my child. Even if I had known how babies are made.” 

 

She blinked her eyes playfully at him. Penelope expected Colin to laugh but a shadow crossed over his face. He smiled wanly and she worried that he was more tired than she thought. The past days must have been bewildering and exhausting for him as well. Perhaps he needed more delicacy tonight. She began to pet his hair again, knowing that it comforted him.

 

“Do you think our son will have chestnut hair like yours?” she mused, raking her fingers through it. 

 

“Do you hope he will?” Colin asked with a smug little arch of his eyebrow.

 

“Of course,” Penelope replied good naturedly. “Yours is so smooth and lovely.” 

 

“Do not let Benedict hear you saying that,” Colin said. “He will never cease teasing me about my vanity if he does.”

 

“You deserve to be a little vain,” Penelope teased. “After all, you are quite handsome.”

 

“And you, Mrs Bridgerton, are a flirt,” Colin said in a low voice, and then he was pressing her against the mattress as she tried to contain the noises he coaxed from her.

 

When she walked into the drawing room, Penelope realised that her dress also matched his eyes. Violet had brought in blooms from the hothouse, lovely and elegant, and Francesca honoured them with a song on the pianoforte. As she joined him in front of their families, he looked awestruck, and she knew she had chosen well. They smiled at one another, and she recognized in him what she felt so deeply herself– disbelief that they were here, now, that life had changed so rapidly.

 

But she wasn’t afraid. There was only peace as Colin took her hands in his. The audience faded away. She ignored her mother’s mercenary gaze around the drawing room, calculating the worth of the furniture. She was oblivious to her sisters’ envious whispers about the groom. And she could almost, almost, pretend that Eloise was not glaring at her venomously. 

 

She looked into Colin’s eyes, and it all faded away as he spoke words of devotion to her. She knew that it was not only her that he was pledging himself to, but to their unborn child as well. It was that thought that brought tears to Penelope’s eyes as she answered his promises with her own. 

 

And when they sealed their bond with a kiss to light applause, he leaned in to whisper something only she could hear.

 

“We are a family now,” came his soft breath in her ear.

 

She looked up at him, towering above her, and Colin’s smile shone so brightly that she knew what it was to be left breathless. And when she smiled back, she could see in his eyes that she was glowing too.

Notes:

You are all so sweet and I woke up with some more inspiration today, so I decided to go with it. Thank you for all the kind comments!

Elle018, as always, deserves all my thanks for her beta work. She also has really really really shiny hair. It is hair that dreams are made of and songs are written about. I thought you should know.

Chapter 12

As soon as she smelled the kippers, Penelope knew that this would not go well. She looked up at Colin with wide eyes as they stood on the threshold of the large drawing room where the wedding breakfast would take place. 

 

“Colin!” she whispered in alarm.

 

He immediately understood and beckoned over a nearby footman.

 

“John,” he said sternly. “Please have all the fish removed from the room. Immediately.” 

 

The footman swiftly began directing the other servants as Colin squeezed her arm apologetically. Trays were carried away from the buffet toward the kitchen.

 

“I’m so sorry, sweetest. I know that Mother instructed them but it must have been overlooked.”

 

Penelope took slow breaths in and out, trying to calm the raging in her stomach and nodded. 

 

Eloise appeared in front of them, a plate in her hand. “You look peaked, dear sister. Would you care for some smoked salmon?” she asked innocently.

 

Penelope clutched at her stomach, a crest of misery threatening to overcome her composure.

 

“Eloise,” Colin said sharply. “Leave us!”

 

Penelope could not even look in her best friend’s direction, for the sight of the food on her plate would bring on more illness, but she could imagine the little smile playing at her lips. 

 

“Very well, but you need not be so short-tempered. They say fathers should learn patience.” 

 

Colin nearly growled but Eloise was already walking away. Penelope clutched at his arm desperately, refusing to lose her stomach in front of all these guests, including her mother, who was watching them curiously.

 

“Do you need to step out for a moment?” Colin asked with great concern. “We could take some air on the balcony?”

 

“We had better not,” Penelope said. “My mother would feel it was the height of rudeness when we should be greeting our guests.”

 

Colin’s back straightened. “We are married now so her opinion matters not. Come.” 

 

With that, he led her through the room, with smiles and greetings to their families, excusing them to the balcony for a private moment. Penelope was amazed by his easy charm and the way it allowed them to escape the room without incident. After she stood leaning against the balcony for a moment, looking out at the lovely formal gardens, the nausea began to ease. Colin gently rubbed her lower back and looped his hand around to rest on her belly.

 

“Colin,” she whispered urgently. “Someone may see.”

 

“I detest secrets, especially when they keep me from comforting the mother of my child,” he muttered as he reluctantly let his arm dangle at his side. “I am to be a father! I want nothing more than to tell everyone immediately.”

 

Penelope giggled at Colin’s petulant expression. “Perhaps Lady Whistledown will publish it in her next issue.” 

 

Her new husband looked down at her with a smirk. “I shall be insulted if she doesn’t. Especially if she fails to mention how lovely you are carrying my child. My beautiful bride. My wife.” 

 

Penelope flushed but she nestled closer to his side. His hand continued its soothing journey on her back and she wished she were bold enough to say what was on her heart. She was so desperately happy to be married to him, her heart felt like it may burst with love.

 

“You are very good to me, Husband,” she said instead, and Colin’s eyes flashed with hunger. She wondered if he would kiss her, right there on the balcony where any of the guests could see through the french doors. But then Violet was joining them outside, and Colin took a half step back from her.

 

“It is time to greet your guests,” Violet said pointedly at Colin. Penelope pretended not to overhear as she continued quietly, “Please, Colin, behave yourself. You may be alone with your bride soon.”

 

Colin cleared his throat and nodded. “Shall we?” he said gallantly to Penelope and then led them back inside on his arm.

 

It was a swirl as soon as they stepped into the room, despite the small number of guests there. Penelope’s new siblings, with the obvious exception of Eloise, were eager to welcome her to the family. Hyacinth pressed a posy into her hands that she had arranged from the garden with the help of her governess. Gregory pressed a shy kiss to her cheek and called her “Sister.” In a rare moment of sincerity, Benedict held both of her hands and offered to paint a wedding portrait of the two of them to hang in their new home. Penelope realised with a start that she had no sense of where they would be living when they returned to London. Violet held her for a long time, and that part of Penelope eager for acceptance sighed in relief.

 

Her own family behaved precisely as she would have expected of them. Philippa was enamoured with the multitude of cheeses Violet had provided and could speak of little else. Prudence made various remarks hinting at the ill fit of Penelope’s wedding gown until Colin pointedly wrapped his arm around her waist and declared what a perfect bride she was.

 

Eloise, who had been hovering nearby, remarked under her breath, “Careful not to squeeze her too tightly, brother. She is in a rather delicate state at the moment.”

 

Her sisters did not seem to hear but Penelope saw the moment Eloise’s indiscretion registered with her mother. Suddenly, Portia was glancing from Penelope’s face to Colin’s hand stroking possessively at her waist, and there was a mercenary look in her eyes that Penelope dreaded.

 

“Mister Bridgerton,” Portia began imperiously. 

 

Colin smiled at her charmingly, and Penelope suddenly knew that Colin was much more cunning than most of the ton gave him credit for. He seemed to have sensed the danger already.

 

“Please, call me Colin. For I am your son now, am I not? We are family .”

 

There was something pointed beneath his words, something that warned Portia not to make a scene. Penelope could have kissed him for it, because she knew the signs that Portia was preparing to make a dramatic speech, and suddenly her mother paused.

 

“Indeed, Colin. I wonder if you might show me onto the balcony then, as I hear there is a splendid view of the grounds. Nothing would please me more than to have my new son show it to me.”

 

Colin smiled and only Penelope knew how he had tensed at her side. He nodded at Violet who had been watching them as she stood near the pianoforte while Francesca played.

 

“Mother, would you ensure Penelope has a plate of the best dishes? She has been far too busy to eat and I do not wish her to faint on our wedding day.”

 

“Of course,” Violet said kindly, watching as Colin offered Lady Featherington his arm and escorted her outside. 

 

As they moved toward the buffet, Penelope whispered to Violet, “I think she knows. Eloise was rather indiscreet.”

 

Violet sighed, looking through the french doors to see Lady Featherington speaking animatedly to Colin, who stood tall and stiff with his arms folded tightly behind his back. Portia’s eyes had widened and she placed the back of her hand against her head, as if about to swoon.

 

“Perhaps I should join them,” she said, hastily handing Penelope a plate with a small slice of honey cake on it. Violet truly was the mother she never had, for Penelope was touched that she was able to intuitively offer the one item of food that didn’t make her wish to cast up her accounts on the floor. “Take small bites and I will be back shortly.”

 

With that, Violet swept onto the balcony and joined the conversation between Colin and her mother.

 

Penelope turned to see Eloise looking at her with a guilty expression on her face. She felt a sudden rush of anger where before there had been only sadness at the rift with her friend.

 

Penelope walked towards her, trying to evoke the same gracefulness that she always admired in Violet. She smiled, taking Eloise’s arms in a firm hold and leading her to an abandoned corner near a large flower arrangement.

 

“I know you are angry at me, but do you care nothing for your niece or nephew?” she whispered.

 

Elosie’s eyes widened but she set her mouth as she always did when she was being stubborn. “If you did not wish for the child to be born in shame, you should have thought of that before you allowed my brother to…to tup you.” She cast Penelope a defiant look, as if she herself could not believe she had dared to speak in such a way. And Penelope knew for a fact that Eloise did not even know what tupping was . She was only trying to hurt her.

 

“That isn’t…” Tears stung at Penelope’s eyes. Eloise didn’t understand what had passed between her and Colin, not in the least. It was not sordid or crass, it was beautiful and affirming and– and loving . “If you would speak to me about it, if you cared , I would tell you everything. But you will not even protect my baby from cruel whispers. You are his aunt , Eloise. He is only an innocent child, and I love him. And not only that, but you are my friend, and my sister. Do you not love me anymore?”

 

Eloise’s mouth dropped open in a little “oh” and her lovely brown eyes got that lost look in them. Penelope never spoke to her so bluntly. And they only rarely fought, usually at times when her frustration boiled over at Eloise’s self-involvement.

 

Eloise finally looked about to speak, but just then Penelope’s mother came back into the room with a self-satisfied expression on her face. Colin trailed behind her with his mother, both looking annoyed but smiling reassuringly at Penelope when she met their eyes.

Lady Featherington clasped her hands and leaned in to kiss her cheek. As she did, she whispered in Penelope’s ear.

 

“The way you have been treated is scandalous. My youngest daughter! My precious child! But do not worry, an additional five thousand pounds will be settled upon you for their lack of honour. Well done, Penelope!”

 

The pride and excitement in her mother’s voice disappeared as soon as her mother pulled away to look at her, her hands on Penelope’s shoulders. All the other guests would see was Portia with an exaggerated look of concern on her face that made Penelope wish to roll her eyes. Portia was still performing for Violet and Colin. But she only smiled tightly and said, “Thank you, Mama.”

 

Violet clapped her hands then, and Anthony began a round of toasts. Penelope had no more desire to speak to anyone, particularly not Eloise or her mother, so she joined Colin and allowed herself the peace of being tucked closely to his side as they listened. As she looked up at his handsome face, so familiar and dear, she found herself longing for him. 

 

Colin glanced down at her and whispered, “Are you well?”

 

“I want to be alone with you,” she whispered back. “Everyone else I love disappoints me when I need them most.”

 

Colin blinked at her, startled, and Penelope realised her mistake.

 

“You are such a dear friend after all,” she corrected shyly. “Sweet husband.”

 

Colin bit his lip, still staring at her, and she tried to cool the hot flush of her cheeks. She turned her attention back to Benedict, who was making the room laugh with his anecdotes, but she could sense her husband’s undivided focus on her as the breakfast ended. 

 

Colin took her arm and escorted her down the hall after the guests had dispersed, either to their carriage in the case of the Featheringtons, or to various parts of the house for those belonging to the family. Penelope and her groom had been summoned to Anthony’s study, for what purpose she did not know. 

 

Regardless, one did not keep the Viscount waiting.

Notes:

I'm on a bender with this one, what can I say? Or maybe I'm just trying to troll Sea_Dragonfly since she keeps asking me to work on Faking It. It wouldn't be the first time. 🤭 But, shhhhhh! Don't tell her.

Thank you for all the lovely comments! So many of you guessed that Eloise would give it away, and you were right! She did it on the show too so I feel myself standing firm in canon with this plot line. 😇

Huge thank you to Elle018, my beta who has declared herself my new mom and won't take no for an answer. ✨

Chapter 13

Penelope had been in Anthony’s study before, of course, but only briefly. She had the vague impression of dark wood and masculine furnishings. It smelled pleasantly of tobacco and sandalwood. But as soon as they entered and Colin discerned that Anthony hadn’t arrived as of yet, her new husband had pulled her into his arms and was bestowing the softest, most delicious kisses on her lips. She loved when Colin handled her this way, as if he was savouring having her in his arms, as if she would be there forever so he could take his time.

 

All the tension and nerves of such a momentous day slipped away and she gave herself over to him. She didn’t have to think, she didn’t have to worry, because Colin would take care of her. He was perfect.

 

He pulled away with a contented sigh. She brushed the hair away from his forehead, certain that she had the same dreamy expression on her face that he did. 

 

“We’re married now,” he said softly. “We belong to one another.”

 

She nodded, a little overcome by the slight catch in his voice. It sounded so romantic , and this was Colin. Watching him court Marina, she had tried to let go of any hopes she had for him. And now, she was his. She was having his baby, and no one could come between them. 

 

“I can hardly believe it,” she murmured back. 

 

But the reminder of Marina, of his hopes for other courtships, reminded her that she shouldn’t expect too much of him. He was sweet and kind and affectionate, which was more than most young ladies could expect in a husband. She would show her appreciation for him, touch him and admire him and care for him, but she refused to make him feel uncomfortable with any confessions. He had wished for a love match and she wouldn’t call attention to the loss of that dream.

 

Colin happily guided her to a settee and fussed over her, seeing to her comfort before sitting beside her. 

 

“What do you suppose Anthony wishes to discuss?” Penelope asked.

 

“I have my suspicions, but let us simply enjoy this reprieve from tiresome relatives,” Colin replied ruefully. “We have had so little time together today.”

 

Penelope laughed, leaning her head against Colin’s shoulder with a little effort due to her tight corset. “You have barely left my side, darling.”

 

“Darling?” Colin asked with a smile in his voice. “Is that to be my new name?”

 

Penelope blushed and turned her face to bury it in his chest. Her voice was a bit muffled as she asked, “If you will allow it?”

 

Colin stroked her hair gently. She noticed he was careful not to muss her hairstyle, as considerate as ever. “I am pleased to be your darling.”

 

“I rather like the thought that only I may call you that,” she admitted to the firm wall of muscle beneath her cheek.

 

Colin hummed thoughtfully. “But you have always had special privileges with me, Pen, and I with you. Tell me, do you think I allowed any other young ladies to use my Christian name?”

 

“I suppose not,” she mused. “And I should hope you did not let them take such liberties with you either.”

 

It surprised her, the note of jealousy and possession in her voice. Perhaps it was because she had been thinking about Colin courting other young ladies. His hold on her tightened.

 

“Those have only been for you, Penelope.” He did not use her full name often, and the husk of his voice reminded her of the way he spoke to her when they were intimate. “Just as I am the only one who knows all your secrets.”

 

She shifted at his side, allowing the dig of her corset to distract her from her desire for him. “I cannot imagine confiding them in anyone else.” It was true. She would never allow another gentleman to know her so deeply, nor to touch her as Colin did.

 

“Especially not your desires. Those are only for me to know of,” Colin replied. How could he sound so calm about such an improper topic? Penelope shivered against him, and he slid his hand down her waist to rest on her hip. “It is rather fortunate that I can meet all your needs now.”

 

“Yes,” she said breathlessly, and Colin began to stroke her hip. “But we can’t…not in your brother’s study.”

 

“I suppose you are correct,” Colin sighed. “But don’t worry, I shan’t neglect you for long.”

 

Penelope whimpered quietly at the promise in his voice, but Colin only continued to make those slow, maddening strokes over her hips as the minutes ticked by. He was so warm and solid as she lay against him that gradually the arousal melted into utter relaxation. Between the sleepless nights of Colin’s visits, her morning illness, and the excitement of the wedding, she was exhausted. Her eyes slid shut and she began to doze. 

 

Dreams and reality began to blur and she felt her breathing grow heavy. She felt Colin gently shift her so she was laying back on the settee, a pillow tucked under her head. Then he was moving away and covering her with a blanket from a basket near the fire. She didn’t protest, allowing herself to drift away even as he kneeled beside the settee and continued to stroke her hair.

 

After a time, Penelope heard the click of the door and heard Anthony entering the room. Colin greeted him quietly. 

 

She really ought to sit up, but her limbs were so heavy and it had been so long since she truly rested. And the cowardly part of her felt intimidated by such a conversation with Anthony. He hadn’t been unkind to her, but he still struck quite an imposing figure. He certainly did not approve of her behaviour with Colin either. So she kept her breathing low and steady, never allowing her eyelids to flutter open. She would wait to see if Colin woke her.

 

“Is Penelope well?” Anthony asked in a soft voice. Penelope was surprised to hear concern there, with not a hint of judgement.

 

“Mother tells me it is common for ladies to feel fatigued in Penelope’s condition,” Colin replied. “I thought it best to allow her to rest until you arrived.”

 

“Yes, I apologise for my tardiness,” Anthony huffed. “Mother and I have been discussing what to do about Eloise.”

 

“I do not fault you for that,” Colin said tightly. “I fear that if I see her, I will say unforgivable things.”

 

“Yes, beyond causing Penelope embarrassment, she is risking the reputation of a future Bridgerton. Not to mention costing us ten thousand pounds!”

 

Penelope’s ears perked up at that. Ten thousand? Her mother had said five. She hoped they would say more, but Colin seemed unsurprised by his brother’s statement.

 

“I swear to you Anthony, if she harms my baby with her childishness, if I hear even one word of gossip…”

 

Penelope had never heard Colin so angry. He had gone very stern, and she knew he meant every word he was saying. But Anthony cut him off before he could complete his threat.

 

“Now, now, Colin. She is your sister. Her behaviour is unacceptable, and it will be corrected. Try to remain calm while Mother and I manage her.”

 

“What will you do?” 

 

“She is to be sent to Daphne at Clyvedon for the season. We cannot trust her to be out in society after her behaviour today. She will make a comment to the wrong person, and you and Penelope will be dogged by scandal. Not to mention my niece or nephew.”

 

Penelope nearly gasped. It was a harsh punishment indeed, for Eloise to be secluded away with her least favourite sister. But she was nearly as shocked at the sweet way Anthony spoke of the baby. There was true tenderness in his voice, and she felt a wave of emotion at it. To think that her baby was already surrounded by so much love, to think that she herself was part of that circle of protection.

 

“Thank you, Anthony. Nothing is more important to me than taking care of Penelope and the baby.”

 

“That was my reason for calling you here today, as a matter of fact,” Anthony said, and Penelope tensed. His tone had shifted into that terse formality that she knew Colin detested. “What are your plans now?”

 

“Well, we plan to dine with the family, and then…”

 

“No, Colin. What are your plans for providing for Penelope and your child? Where will you live? Who will be your staff? Which physician will attend to Penelope during her confinement?”

 

“Well, I– events have proceeded rapidly and I have not had a chance to–”

 

“Yes, events ,” Anthony emphasised meaningfully. “I suppose you are rather ambitious. Most gentlemen wait to get a child on their wives until after they sort out how to care for them.”

 

“Be careful, Brother,” Colin replied tightly. “Insult me all you like, but do not say a word that even hints of disrespect for my wife.”

 

“Make no mistake. I do not blame her. She was an innocent in all of this. But the fact remains that you have nowhere to live and no plans. Apparently you have only thought about how to get poor Penelope in your bed as quickly as possible.”

 

The silence crackled so sharply that Penelope feared there would be actual violence. As much as she dreaded becoming involved, she started to stir, hoping to provide a distraction. At the sound of her yawn, she could feel the tension subsiding a bit. When she blinked her eyes open, Anthony was looking at some papers on his desk guiltily, while Colin was taking deep breaths before turning to her with a smile.

 

“Did you sleep well? he asked kindly. Her heart immediately broke for him, because she could see the shame in his eyes as he looked at her. Now was not the time to speak of it, not in front of such a judgemental audience, but she tried to communicate her love in the way she smiled at him.

 

“Yes, Colin. And I apologise, Viscount Bridgerton,” she remarked innocently as she sat up. “I seem to tire so easily these days, but Colin encourages me to rest whenever I can. He takes excellent care of me.”

 

Anthony cleared his throat. “I am certain that he does.”

 

“Is there anything else you wished to speak of?” Colin asked. His shoulders were stiff and she longed to ease away the tension. “Or may I enjoy the rest of my only wedding day?”

 

“You are dismissed,” replied Anthony. “But think on what I said.” 

 

“I certainly will,” said Colin coldly, before offering Penelope a gallant hand and helping her to her feet. 

 

As soon as they had rounded the corner from the study, Penelope tugged on Colin’s hand and pulled him into the library. Colin looked surprised by her sudden burst of energy, especially when Penelope grabbed hold of his forearms and pushed him back against the door she had shut behind them.

 

“In my eyes, you are everything perfect,” she said, meeting his eyes boldly. “You will be a fine husband, one that I am proud to call mine. I thought you should know.”

 

Colin blinked at her for a moment, and then crushed her to him, lifting her off her feet. “Thank you,” he whispered in her ear, and she nodded, holding him tightly.

 

In that moment, all of her doubts, her insecurities over Colin’s lost chance for a love match, seemed to fall away. 

 

She was Colin’s wife . 

 

She, better than anyone, knew what he needed. 

 

Even if all he felt for her was friendship and attraction, she was confident that she knew precisely how to love him . She had been made for it.

 

And nothing would make her happier.

Notes:

I MADE AN OUTLINE.

Yes, it was under duress.

Elle018 told me she had been far too indulgent with me on this story. She was very strict. 😳 So now we have a plan. I may not stick to the plan, but there is one.

Thank you for all the lovely comments. I hope you're having fun with the new chapters!

Chapter 14

Dining with the Bridgertons that evening was lovely, particularly as Eloise had been confined to her room and was not there to sour the mood.

 

Violet had served Penelope’s favourite dishes. Bouquets of flowers in a range of blue decorated the table. Every detail perfectly aligned with her tastes, and what made it all the more special was that she had never told Violet any of these preferences. Lady Bridgerton had simply noticed, and cared enough to remember. 

 

After dinner, they all retired to the drawing room. Penelope knew Colin was eager to be alone with her. It was not as if she didn’t share the sentiment, but there was something about being treated as such a treasured member of the family– it filled a desire in her that she would have feared to name in the past.

 

Gregory and Hyacinth had prepared a short entertainment for her, reciting a poem and then singing a song with Francesca accompanying them on the pianoforte. Their high voices were a hint off key, but the way they ran to embrace her after, the way their faces shone with such an innocent hope of approval, made her feel that she was truly their elder sister now. 

 

Violet had been sitting beside her while they performed, and she reached for Penelope’s hand as she wiped away the tears that had gathered at her eyes. 

 

“Welcome to the family, my dear.” 

 

“Thank you,” Penelope replied. “You are all so very good to me. I know that I am young and prone to mistakes now, but I promise you Lady Bridgerton, I will try to care for all of you as well.”

 

Violet patted her hand. “You are exactly as you should be, Penelope. And as long as you care for Colin, which I have no doubt you will, I will be very content.” She paused and smiled kindly. “You may call me Mother now whenever you like.” 

 

It was not very dignified but Penelope threw herself into Violet’s arms. She had never expected such an invitation, nor was she sure when she would have the courage to act on it. But to know that she was wholeheartedly accepted by the woman she admired so much meant everything to her. 

 

Colin came over as they broke their embrace.

 

“I believe it is time for us to retire,” he said, ignoring the matching smirks that his elder brothers exchanged. Penelope blushed a fierce red but rose to take his arm in as dignified a manner as she could. They bid goodnight to the family and to her surprise, Colin did not lead her up the stairs to the family wing. Instead, he pulled her down a dark hallway to the back door of Aubrey Hall, scooping up a covered basket from the butler’s pantry as he went.

 

“Where are you taking me?” 

 

The night air was cool as they walked down the knoll behind the house and Penelope shivered a little. Colin paused and pulled one of her pelisses from his mysterious basket, then wrapped his arm tightly around her shoulders after he helped her put it on.

 

“Are you too tired, or could we walk to our stream?” he asked.

 

“Some fresh air would do me good,” she replied demurely. Inside, she felt gleeful. Colin wished to be alone with her. It sometimes seemed like a dream.

 

Penelope had never explored the grounds so extensively at night. Every tree seemed silver tinged in the moonlight, and a late evening dew made the grass glow. When they arrived beside the stream, Colin lay a blanket on the ground along with two small cushions to lay their heads upon. After he had settled Penelope to his satisfaction, he unscrewed a carafe of lemonade and poured her a glass.

 

She took a dainty sip and leaned back against his chest, looking up at the stars. There was the sound of the wind in the trees but otherwise she could only hear Colin’s steady inhales and exhales. 

 

“It’s so still here,” Colin murmured. 

 

“The silence feels good,” Penelope replied. “So much has happened that I welcome the quiet.”

 

She could feel Colin shifting to a more comfortable position against her back, setting his own glass to the side. He began to rummage in the basket again, pulling out a package and two plates.

 

“I had the staff pack up some of our wedding cake. I wanted you to enjoy it when you were feeling better.”

 

Penelope pecked his cheek impulsively as he prepared two slices and then giggled as he fed her a bite from his own fork.

 

“Why are you laughing?”

 

She paused, considering if she wanted to bring an old memory into a new day. She couldn’t bear to say another woman’s name, not when she was with Colin like this, so she told him the part that she could.  “It is just something I was told once. That a man and woman create a child by eating cake.”

 

“That’s very sweet, actually,” Colin said before Penelope lifted a delicate bite to Colin’s mouth, smiling at him as he savoured it. He moaned a little at the flavour.

 

“Our cake is very good,” she commented, stealing another forkful for herself. 

 

Colin leaned forward to give her a sugary kiss. “The very best,” he agreed. “But I must say, I prefer our way of creating a child. You are much sweeter, in my opinion.”

 

He set aside his fork and left a cascading trail of sugary-sticky kisses down the side of her neck. Penelope watched as he nipped and kissed and licked everywhere he had access too, but he made no indication that he wanted to remove her clothing.

 

Before, Penelope had always been in a blissful haze when they were together like this, but something about the clear night air, the bright stars, the fresh burst of vanilla on her tongue– she felt awake. Aware. On the edge of discovery, as she felt when she worked the edges of a ballroom as Lady Whistledown.

 

“Can I take you in your wedding gown?” he asked, his hand caressing her ankle. He was trembling with the effort of restraining himself from pushing up the silky fabric until he had her permission. “I’ve been thinking of it all day.”

 

“You can do anything you like to me,” Penelope said, laying back and slowly pulling up her skirts for him. When she was bare below the waist, she spread her legs for him and he groaned. Penelope loved the way he looked at her when she displayed herself like this– as if he couldn’t believe his good fortune.

 

Colin kneeled over her and pressed inside. It felt as wonderful as ever, but Penelope forced herself to pay attention. Colin touched her so gently, even as he whispered tender filth in her ear. Tonight, he seemed undone by the thought of marrying her, praising his wife and asking her to call him husband. Reminding her that they were married, married, married… “You’re mine,” he breathed out as he finally collapsed beside her. 

 

Penelope’s bare skin tingled in the cool night air, but she didn’t want to cover herself again. She took Colin’s hand and placed it between her legs, the comforting warmth making her feel close to him. 

 

“Colin?” she asked, trying to maintain presence of mind even as he gazed at her so adoringly, petting her between her thighs as if she was very precious to him indeed.

 

“Yes, wife?”

 

“You said that you knew.”

 

He furrowed his brow and Penelope realised he wasn’t following.

 

“You knew that we were having marital relations. You knew that we might have a baby because of it.”

 

His hand stilled and she lifted her hips a little, hoping he would receive her hint and continue to stroke her. He did, but his expression remained serious, his eyes steady on hers. “I did.”

 

There were so many questions she wanted to ask him, but he didn’t seem inclined to say more. She was going to have to push. “I don’t understand.”

 

Colin smirked at her, but it didn’t carry quite the careless charm that it usually did. It seemed…slippery. Evasive, somehow.

 

“It’s really very simple,” he replied. His eyes became serious again and he removed his hand so he could place a soft kiss at the apex of her thighs. “You were made for pleasure.”

 

She let out a little gasp, at his touch or his words, perhaps both. She was growing mindless again, and maybe that was why she confessed it. “But Marina said you would never see me as a woman, a wife.” 

 

Colin’s eyes darkened. “She lied to you,” he said vehemently, gripping her thighs, admiring the way the flesh spilled from between his fingers. “Look at your hips– the perfect womanly shape. Look at the way you have enraptured me, making me think of you and your luscious mouth and your soft body day and night.”

 

“Am I not simply Penelope?” she asked. He still was not making any sense. “A family friend, young and naive? Not thrilling enough to capture your notice?”

 

“Penelope, stop,” Colin ordered, pressing kisses against the spill of her inner thighs. “It makes me wild to see you this way, offering yourself up to me. I knew you needed my seed, from the first time I was inside you. You are so sweet, always begging to be filled.”

 

“You must have thought me very wanton. I asked for you, that first time.”

 

“I know you did, and you cannot imagine how pleased I was with you. You were so good, asking for what you wanted. So polite and innocent.” Penelope squirmed under his tight hold, feeling her need building at that coaxing, rough tone he used with her. It was so unlike his usual light demeanour. “You shall make a fine wife, soft and needy for me. And you need not worry, I will fill you as often as you wish– with my seed and with more babies.”

 

“Now,” Penelope said. “I want you now.”

 

Colin obliged her, and all her determination to seek answers left her head. There was only feeling– the blanket covering the hard ground beneath her, the way she bounced back with each thrust of his hips against hers, and then the soaring pleasure that culminated in a satisfying crash.

 

He covered them with another blanket after, just for a moment, just so they could capture their breath before returning inside. But the stream sang a soft lullabye and when Penelope awoke, the first rays of dawn were breaking through the branches above them.

 

“Colin, we fell asleep,” she whispered, caressing his chest gently to rouse him.

 

He pulled her to him tightly. “I love waking up with you.”

 

Penelope giggled and kissed him on the nose playfully. “As do I. But we should return to the house soon. The dew has drenched the bottom of my skirts.”

 

Colin sat up at the thought of her discomfort and tried to set himself to rights, although the more he smoothed his hair the more it stuck up. Penelope loved the intimacy of it.

 

“Before we go in, would you visit my father with me?” he asked. “Or are you too cold?”

 

Penelope leaned into Colin’s side, relishing in his warmth. “I would be happy to. You must miss him.”

 

Colin brushed a kiss to the top of her head. He reached for her hand and interlaced their fingers to pull her up. As he packed up their things he explained, “I want to tell him about the baby. It will be his first grandchild.”

 

Penelope blinked. She had not thought of that. She wondered what it meant to Colin to become a father without his own father present to offer him guidance.

 

“I still remember him. He would always offer me lemon drops, did you know that?” Penelope reminisced as they began walking back toward the house.

 

“I didn’t,” Colin said with a smile. “But I do remember you then.”

 

“I confessed to him once that I hated my yellow dresses. Cressida Cowper had teased me at Hyde Park, you see, and he found me crying in your tent. He told me I was a darling lemon drop in my frocks, and after that he always offered me one when he came across me at Bridgerton House.”

 

Little crinkles formed at the corners of Colin’s eyes as he laughed. “I can just imagine it.” He paused to pull her to him with a sweet kiss. “And I am so pleased that my father knew my perfect lemon drop of a wife. You do not know what it means to me.”

 

Penelope stroked his cheek tenderly. “He would have been ever so proud of you. The way you care for me, your kindness. You have all the best parts of your parents, and then that something special that also makes you yourself.”

 

Colin turned his cheek into her hand, and Penelope thought for a moment of how young he really was. Of how young they both were. He looked so boyish in the early morning light, thinking about his father.

 

Wordlessly, they agreed to resume their walk, and eventually they reached the bench the family reserved for thinking of Edmund. They sat in comfortable silence for a time. 

 

“You must be thinking of your father as well,” Colin finally said. “I didn’t wish to dampen your spirits at the wedding, but on a day of joy it is natural to grieve those who can’t be present.”

 

Penelope nodded softly. “I have thought of him, but I’m not certain the day would have been any different if he were here. That brings me the most sadness. To know that even when he was in the same room with me, he was not truly present.”

 

Colin wrapped his arms around her silently. She was relieved that her husband didn’t try to rewrite history. She was used to the shallow interactions of the Ton when it came to hard truths, to the platitudes, to the desire to make matters appear rosier than they were. But Colin knew, better than anyone, her feelings for her father. And he refused to insult her powers of perception by denying what she had seen and felt.

 

“You will never feel so alone again,” he whispered into her hair. “I won’t allow it.”

 

She would always regret that her father’s life had ended tragically, and more so that he had never allowed himself to know his family. It was a waste. 

 

So Penelope shed a few tears as Colin held her, but they weren’t heavy and despairing any longer. Instead, she felt unburdened. She was ready to create a new future, a new family, with this man who was so tender and sincere. When she broke their embrace, she took Colin’s hand and led him to the gravestone, pressing her own hand against it.

 

“Colin and I are having a child, Lord Bridgerton. A baby lemon drop if you will.”

 

Her new husband beamed down at her, and then covered her hand with his own. “And we are going to be the happiest family, Father. You will see.”

Notes:

Some of you left the funniest comments this morning, so I decided to finish this chapter and post it! You really make me laugh out loud with your observations. 😆

Big thank you to writergirl8 for the cake inspo in this chapter. She helped me get unstuck. If you haven't read Strip, you have to. HAVE TO. So incredibly heartfelt and sexy and hilarious.

As always, this chapter wouldn't have happened without Elle018. She gave me so many ideas, scared me, and made me laugh. Literally the perfect woman. 🥰

Chapter 15

It was quite strange, adjusting to the life of a married woman. Perhaps because some things did not change at all.

 

The family returned to their usual activities. Benedict appeared with a teasing smirk at meals, but could be found brooding in front of a canvas at others. The younger children did their level best to torment their older siblings, although they excluded Penelope from this. With her, they sought only her approval. She was often called upon to teach them something or admire some new accomplishment.

 

Colin’s behaviour however…

 

She had always been aware of him. Sensing his presence whenever they were in the same room. Noting those subtle shifts in his demeanour. 

 

And he had always been gentlemanly in her presence. Yes, he took small liberties. Calling her Penelope rather than Miss Featherington. Casually escorting her unchaperoned to secluded places. But Penelope had always known it was due to Colin’s natural ease, that effortless confidence that placed his behaviour above any silly rules of propriety.

 

But now that he was her husband, he seemed determined to remain close. Very close.

 

He was always touching her in some way now, even if his mother was present. Holding her hand, placing his arm around her waist, even stroking her hair as they read together in the drawing room. 

 

They were still keeping the baby a secret from the younger children, lest they mention it back in town, but even so Colin couldn’t resist a near constant exploration of her belly whenever there was an idle moment. 

 

She had taken to napping each afternoon, and it seemed to help with the lingering symptoms of early pregnancy. Colin was adamant about joining her, rubbing her shoulders until she grew sleepy and then nestling in beside her as she rested. It made her feel rather beloved, as if she were being surrounded by his care as she was tucked into bed, soothed and petted. She had never experienced anything like it.

 

Colin insisted that she rest in the nude, as he felt it was unhealthy for her to be bound up with tight stays when her body was growing to accommodate their child. He had just removed her gown and all of her underpinnings when they heard a resolute knocking at the door. 

 

Colin sighed, frustrated at being interrupted, and led her to the bed, helping her climb up and tucking the covers sweetly under her chin. “I’ll be but a moment,” he said, kissing her hand as Anthony began speaking through the door.

 

“Colin, your presence was requested an hour ago,” came his stern voice.

 

“What he means is that we have brandy,” Benedict added cheerfully.

 

Her husband opened the door a mere crack, just wide enough to glare at his elder brothers. “I hardly think you and Benedict need me urgently for a hunting party. For god’s sake, this is my honeymoon.”

 

“Playing nursemaid to Penelope is your notion of a honeymoon?” Anthony replied with a raised eyebrow. 

 

“What a fortunate bride she is, that you chose to remain in your childhood home, surrounded by family. How very romantic.” 

 

Benedict was teasing, Penelope could tell, but Colin stiffened. 

 

“As neither of you have found a woman willing to marry you, you will excuse me if I ignore your advice on romance and the keeping of wives.” 

 

Penelope silently cheered Colin for defending himself but her relief was short lived.

 

“Ah yes, but some of us are unwilling to trap a young lady by preying on her innocence,” Anthony replied. 

 

“It certainly was an interesting method of securing an heir, was it not?” Benedict smirked. Penelope wondered if he felt the tension in the air and was simply amused by it, or if he truly thought he was easing the situation. 

 

“Colin,” Penelope called in a weak voice. “Could you fetch the basin? I feel ill.”

 

“Excuse me,” she heard him say curtly and the door slammed shut. When he approached the bed though, he found her smirking, resting against the headboard with the sheets pooled around her waist.

 

“Penelope?” he asked, confused.

 

“They were filling your head with nonsense and I can think of better uses for your energy,” she smiled.

 

Colin grinned back, coming to her readily, although he seemed content simply to be held. She pressed a soft kiss to his bare chest and nuzzled her head into his shoulder. His hand came up to stroke her hair and she sighed happily. But a little frown still marred her husband’s handsome face. 

 

“You could have told me you wanted a baby, you know,” she murmured to him gently. “And I wouldn’t have changed a thing.”

 

His eyebrows twitched upward sceptically. And the way his whole body tensed at the subject– he must think she was humouring him, bending the truth to reassure him.

 

“My brothers may be annoying, but they were right that I trapped you,” he said with shame. 

 

That wouldn’t do at all, as far as Penelope was concerned. Colin was far too good to carry such guilt about a turn of events that she was certain would only bring her joy. Already, he was proving to be the most caring husband. There was no one whose company she loved more.

 

“A trap is cold and grey and barren.” She snuggled closer to his side and ran her hands lovingly over the familiar arms wrapped around her. “And these– they’re warm and strong and make me feel safe.”

 

“Penelope, you didn’t even know what we were doing…”

 

“No, Colin, stop. You musn’t berate yourself because you gave me what I need the most– a family.”

 

“I should have protected you better,” he said sadly. “You trusted me.”

 

Penelope paused. This is what she had been wondering about whenever she had a spare moment and wasn’t caught up in Eloise’s disapproval or her father’s death or her worries about what Violet thought of her. Why had Colin done it?

 

“I didn’t realise you wanted a baby. And if you knew…you must have known that you may have to marry me if we succeeded.” 

 

She continued to stroke her fingers through his hair, trying to reassure him that she wasn’t angry. She simply wanted to know him better. To understand.

 

“I suppose…” Colin briefly rested his forehead against her hair, perhaps trying to put his thoughts together. He kissed her there, and it sent a little flutter of affection to her heart as it always did. “I think it was Lady Crane that gave me the idea.”

 

Penelope stiffened. It was difficult not to be jealous of the way Colin still thought of her. Still longed for the woman he had truly wanted to marry. Colin noticed the tension immediately and sat up to look at her.

 

“When I saw the way Lady Crane was so devoted , so enamoured, with the father of her child. Even after he was gone, she still wanted him.”

 

Colin was pleading with his eyes, hoping for that perfect harmony of understanding that they shared so often. But Penelope couldn’t accommodate him in this, because she was still utterly baffled by his reasoning. Did he think Marina would turn to wanting him if he became a father, even by another woman?

 

“You thought it would bring her back to you?” Penelope asked, trying to keep the hurt frown from her face.

“No!” Colin exclaimed, lifting her hand to his lips and kissing it time and again, as if trying to chase away that wretched assumption. “No, I wanted you to see me that way…see me as the most important man in your life.”

 

“I’m not certain I understand yet,” Penelope admitted, although a warm hope was beginning to blossom. Colin was so earnest that she almost believed that he had chosen her.

 

Colin licked his lip and tried again. “We’ve become so close, over the years, and especially this summer. And I thought– if we made a baby together, we would never be separated. And you would always want me. Always care for me. Always choose me as your favourite.”

 

It was as if a soft glow had come over the bedchamber in the hazy late afternoon light. Colin was smiling at her sheepishly, as if embarrassed by his need for her, but she thought he had never looked more handsome. More perfect.

 

“You brilliant man,” she replied affectionately. The bright smile she had been fighting burst onto her face as she laughed. It was a sound of pure joy, and love, and melting relief. 

 

Colin’s face was a picture of surprise. “Brilliant?” he asked.

 

“Yes,” Penelope said happily. “I’m so glad you thought of it. You are correct that we should not be separated. It would be terrible.” Now it was her turn to press kiss after kiss upon him, his cheeks, his forehead, his mouth. 

 

“So you are not angry with me?” Colin asked, smiling again but still a bit hesitant.

 

“Perhaps we should start anew,” Penelope said, stroking his jaw lightly. She wouldn’t allow him to avoid her eyes. If there was one thing she had learned over this eventful summer, it was that even Colin needed her assurance at times. He felt deeply, and she loved that about him– that he allowed himself to be affected by the people he cared for.

 

“What do you mean?”

 

Penelope gently disentangled herself from his arms and lay back against the pillow, pulling him on top of her. “Pretend it's the moment when you first knew. When you had your brilliant idea. And simply ask me. I’ll tell you how I truly feel and you can rid yourself of all this guilt.”

 

Colin’s eyes were still uncertain but Penelope wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him in for a kiss. She moaned, remembering how it felt to be outside, the summer breeze caressing their bodies as they kissed languidly on the grounds. The trees were their only shelter, casting shadows on Colin’s tanned skin.

 

Colin’s body relaxed in her arms, but after a few minutes tension grew again of an entirely passionate nature. When he hesitated to make them one, she urged him again, her eyes serious on his.

 

“Ask me, Colin.”

 

He lavished a sweet kiss on her neck but then their eyes met once again.

 

“Let me put a baby in you, Pen. Please.” 

 

Her stomach swooped at the intensity of his deep voice, the way he sounded absolutely desperate. 

 

“Yes, Colin,” she replied. She spread her legs beneath him, inviting him to claim her. When he did, he held her to him tightly, barely moving, they were so closely bound. “I only want your baby, Colin. I could only ever want yours.”

 

Colin let out a shuddering breath as if a great weight had been lifted from him, and then he began to make love to her in earnest. 

 

“And I only want you, Pen. You are mine and it was always meant to be this way.”

 

“Yes,” was all she could manage to say. Then a thought struck her. “And everyone will know, when I enter my confinement. They will know that you made me yours.”

 

That seemed to light a fire in Colin, he almost seemed wild in his movements. The end came quickly after that.

 

As they lay contentedly, Penelope rubbing that soft skin on the back of Colin’s neck, he finally seemed at peace. And perhaps it gave him something more too, confidence and fortitude to do what he must.

 

“We need to make our own home now, Penelope. We cannot stay with my family any longer.”

 

“Where shall we go?” Penelope asked. 

 

Already, the idea seemed wise. Colin’s family still saw him as a foolish boy, saw her as the naive girl compromised by him. If they were to grow into the family they longed to be, they must set a new course. 

 

“Back to London, at least for the time being.”

 

 “Yes, husband,” she replied, and Colin’s smile could have lit up the sky, it was so bright.

Notes:

Thank you darling readers for being along for this ride and for all your sweet comments. I've been working on Faking It a lot this week but somehow this lil chapter came to me so I decided to post. Faking It will be coming along soon though!

A huge thanks to my beta Elle018, who has an absolutely wonderful face and tolerates a great deal of nonsense from me. 🤗

I'll see you soon on a new chapter of...something! We'll see what I can get done first. 😊

Chapter 16

Penelope gazed out the window of their little townhouse, lovingly running a hand over the swell of her stomach. She had been reading when she felt a light flutter, like a tiny butterfly flapping its wings. Her book was instantly forgotten. It felt as though their child was joyfully announcing his presence, and Penelope didn’t wish to miss a single movement.

 

As she caressed the place where her baby had made a home, she realised that it would soon become evident to others that she was increasing. There was a swell there that was becoming rather pronounced. Her nausea had slowly eased and she was beginning to feel like herself again. 

 

The family property that Colin had arranged for them wasn’t large, but that made it all the easier to make into a home. Colin had commented just that morning at breakfast how snug and homey it felt after Penelope had seen to the decoration of the drawing room and the arrangement of furniture in the cosy sitting room outside their bedchamber. She still blushed hotly whenever he complimented her and called her his good little wife. 

 

They had attended a dinner party at Lady Danbury’s last night, their first as a married couple. Penelope knew that they were honoured with an invitation due to the venerable lady’s friendship with her mother-in-law, but even so, it made her feel quite grown up to be included. She was certain Colin felt that way as well, for he had Dunwoody fuss over his attire and hair much more than he was generally inclined to do, and when they were announced as Mister and Mrs Colin Bridgerton, he had beamed proudly.

 

Now, the man himself entered the room and strode to the window seat, kissing Penelope on the cheek in greeting, before he leaned in to press several slow kisses at the crook of her neck.

 

“Colin,” she whispered, never inclined to turn away her husband’s advances yet concerned that Rae or Dunwoody might come upon them. It wouldn’t be the first time they had scandalised the staff with their affection. “Colin,” she said with more urgency. For she had news to share with him and he was distracting her from it quite thoroughly. 

 

“What is it, darling?” he asked, his nose still nuzzling at the juncture of her neck.

 

“I can feel the baby.”

 

In an instant, Colin was on his knees before her, both hands spanning across her belly as he gazed up at her in excitement. “Now?”

 

“Not precisely at this moment. But if you keep your hands there, perhaps he’ll move again.”

 

Colin grinned and leaned forward to press a tender kiss in the centre of her belly. “You still think it is a boy?”

 

Penelope smiled shyly. “Your son,” she replied. The thought made her heart skip a beat. She was giving Colin, the love of her heart, her dearest friend, her husband, a son. It hardly seemed real.

 

They basked in silence for a while, Colin cradling the swell of her belly so gently, whispering to the baby, urging him to move, kick, say hello to his papa.

 

“There!” Penelope suddenly exclaimed, moving Colin’s hand to her left side. “That fluttering!”

 

Colin’s face fell. “I cannot feel it.”

 

A horrid thought came to her. “Perhaps something is wrong. Perhaps the baby isn’t strong enough.” 

 

Colin appeared similarly stricken. “We must call the physician. Immediately.”

 

“And your mother,” Penelope said fretfully. “Lady Bridgerton will know what to do.”

 

In mere minutes, Penelope had been changed into her warmest nightgown and tucked into bed, despite the day being balmy. Colin would not release her hand and Rae had arrived with all manner of food and drink to tempt her. But Penelope couldn’t take a bite until she knew that Colin’s heir was well.

 

Violet came bustling into the room first, as the doctor was attending a birth and might be delayed for some hours. She listened to Colin’s breathless explanation of the trouble and her initial display of concern shifted to patient amusement.

 

“My dears, this is entirely commonplace,” she explained. “Your baby is too small at the moment to be felt outside of his mother’s womb.”

 

Colin wrapped his arms tightly around Penelope in relief. “The baby is well. You are well,” he whispered. “Nothing can harm you.”

 

Penelope clutched at him in reassurance. For she was certain he spoke to calm himself as well as her. She truly had the kindest husband in all of England.

 

Violet watched them with a smile for a moment before delicately clearing her throat. “While I am here, I wonder if I might have a word? It concerns both of you.”

 

Penelope drew back from Colin, now a little self-conscious in her nightgown given that all the fussing was unnecessary. 

 

“Shall I dress and we can take tea?”

 

“Perhaps you should rest, Pen,” Colin said, that sharp crease of worry between his brows having softened but not entirely disappeared. 

 

She nuzzled his hand against her cheek as she dismissed him. “I shall be fine. Entertain your mother while I ready myself.”

 

When she entered the drawing room, Colin was pacing back and forth in front of the settee, despite his favourite sandwiches and biscuits sitting invitingly on the tea table. 

 

“Calm yourself, dearest,” Violet was saying. 

 

“What is it?” Penelope asked. 

 

Colin came to her side, offering his arm for support as though she were an invalid. She couldn’t resist pressing closer to his side. No one was ever more solicitous than Colin, even if he could be quite overprotective at times. She knew it was borne out of his love for the baby, and she loved him for it.

 

Violet took her hand as Penelope sat beside her. “I only wished to let you know that Lady Danbury heard some whispers at her dinner. Whispers about your…expeditious marriage.”

 

“Oh dear,” Penelope said, her face growing pale. 

 

She instinctively looked to Colin for his thoughts. Perhaps she would have to write about this in Whistledown. It was one thing to write unkind comments about herself, but she had no desire to write poorly of her own child, or Colin for that matter. 

 

“How dare they speak about my wife?” Colin was fuming, and she could see some of the same expression he had after Marina– the embarrassment of a scandal, though he tried to hide that it mattered to him. 

 

“I’m sorry, Colin,” she whispered. “This is entirely my fault.”

 

Violet and Colin simultaneously tried to reassure her. Colin sandwiched himself onto the settee on her other side so that she felt surrounded by Bridgertons and all the warmth that implied.

 

“No, Penelope, you musn’t think that,” said Lady Bridgerton. “They are spiteful gossips, nothing more.”

 

“But it must be me that exposed us,” Penelope argued. She flushed. “I am increasing, and it shows.” She rubbed at her belly miserably, all the joy from the morning disappearing at the thought that she had brought the family name dishonour.

 

“Do not apologise for that,” Colin said fiercely, wrapping his arms around her. “You are growing a strong, beautiful child for us. I am proud of you.”

 

Violet was looking at them a bit misty eyed, and she did not seem at all perturbed by Colin’s display of affection. “As am I, Penelope. I am rather looking forward to meeting my first grandchild.”

 

Penelope wondered if anyone had ever been proud of her before, simply for being herself. It was difficult to take in, and she felt a lingering unease. She needed to fix this. To be the wife that Colin deserved.

 

“Mother, thank you for warning us. My wife and I will discuss it further and decide how to address this.”

 

Penelope blinked in surprise. She had expected Colin to look to his Mother for a solution. 

 

“That seems sensible,” replied Violet approvingly. “Don’t hesitate to call on your family for assistance if you need it.” 

 

After they bid her farewell, Colin and Penelope sat in silence, simply holding one another.

 

“I’ve embarrassed you,” Penelope whispered eventually, turning her face into his chest. She had only been married mere weeks, and already she had failed him as a wife.

 

“Penelope, that is not true,” Colin replied firmly. “If anything, this was my fault for anticipating our vows. I will admit that I am troubled, however. I don’t wish for you or the baby to be the target of rumours and gossip.”

 

“I can try to misdirect them in Whistledown,” Penelope offered.

 

Colin furrowed his brow. “I’m not certain that would be enough. You are beginning to show already, and with the season beginning soon we will need to be seen in public often or raise further suspicion. Would you consider taking a honeymoon to Greece? We would be away from the eyes of the ton, and if we returned with a child, no one would think anything of it.”

 

Penelope hated to extinguish the hope in his eyes, but she must. “I would love to Colin, but I’m not certain I can. I no longer feel so ill, but such a long journey…”

 

Colin nodded slowly. “Of course, I should not have asked.”

 

Penelope covered his hand with her own. “No, I know how dearly you wished to travel.” For a moment, she wondered again why he hadn’t gone on his tour at the end of the season. If he had, they would not be married now, or expecting a child. “But what if we went somewhere closer, but still out of reach from the Ton?”

 

Even as she said it, she knew what she was proposing and that familiar feeling of grief rose in her. This time it was not due to the loss of a person, but the death of a dream. If they left before the season, Lady Whistledown would cease to exist. It would be entirely too suspicious for its publication to resume upon their return, and she had no sense of what to expect when she became a Mother. Perhaps her life as a writer was over, before it had really even begun. 

 

But Colin was nodding thoughtfully. “Allow me to do some research on the options and we can select a destination.”

 

By the end of the week, they had plans to go to Scotland. Francesca agreed to accompany them as Penelope’s companion, as was customary on a wedding trip. She could be trusted to give them their privacy but still be present when the time of Penelope’s confinement came. 

 

Even as Colin became preoccupied with preparations, Penelope couldn’t help but think of what he had lost by delaying his tour. Now he may never see the shores of Greece. 

 

And who would she have become as a writer, if she had more time to hone her talents? 

 

It was bittersweet, she thought as she packed away her quills and parchment, that at a time when she had the most joyful things to say, her voice had been lost.

Notes:

The first part of the fic was the fucking around...and now Penelope and Colin are finding out. 😅 We'll see how they do with it.

Thank you so much to Elle018 who not only was my beta for this chapter, but has also been a source of sanity for me the last few days. 💛

Chapter 17

It was fortunate indeed that Colin’s dearest school chum was a man named Murray, who hailed from Scotland, for it made an easy explanation for why they would go so far on Penelope’s bridal tour. His brother was the Duke of Athol, and as such the family’s holdings were extensive. After a lovely visit with Colin’s friend, who was as warm and witty as Penelope would expect, they had travelled still further to a remote estate in the Highlands that Murray had arranged for their use.

 

The home was of course much smaller than Aubrey Hall, but still fine, especially when set against the dramatic backdrop of the mountains that surrounded them. It had been built in the neoclassical style and Penelope enjoyed the beauty of its elegance amidst the wilds of nature around them.

 

At first it was a relief, to be away from the scrutiny of the ton. She could appreciate the changes in her body as her bump swelled and her breasts grew even heavier. Colin certainly admired her new form, taking her to bed scandalously early each night.

 

Francesca was sweet and indulged Penelope with music nearly every afternoon. Especially as her belly grew, it felt lovely to recline on a settee and close her eyes, allowing herself to rest and the notes to wash over her. But Colin’s sister also enjoyed her solitude, which allowed the newlywed couple their privacy.

 

But after the first weeks, when the novelty of their new environ had waned and the days taken on a dull kind of sameness, Penelope began to feel an itch beneath her skin.

 

“Might we call upon the neighbours? Or perhaps host a dinner?” Penelope asked Colin one evening, as they waited for the next course to be served.

 

Colin frowned. “The estate is quite remote, darling. I’m not certain it’s wise to travel, and Murray mentioned this place has little society of our standing. That was rather the point in fact.” 

 

Penelope gave a tight-lipped smile, annoyed with Colin for the first time in…well, she couldn’t recall a time when she wished to be far from his presence. But she resolved to brush away the feeling, as he truly was the kindest and most attentive husband she could imagine. She sipped her soup and allowed Colin to carry the rest of the dinner conversation.

 

Today, Colin had arranged a picnic on the hillside so that Penelope could survey the view of the loch below. Francesca had joined them for a time, but excused herself before long to wander the grounds in solitary contentment.

 

They were settled against a pile of cushions, and Colin had tucked a thick wool blanket over Penelope to guard against any chill in the air. Colin was writing in a leatherbound journal, a small wooden tray having been repurposed to serve as a sort of desk on his lap. She sighed, shifting restlessly under the heavy covering.

 

“Are you well, Penelope?”

 

Somehow, the sight of him wielding his quill irritated her. The wind, so unlike the gentle breezes of Mayfair, whipping her hair across her face irritated her. Her swollen ankles irritated her.

 

“Of course,” she replied impatiently. “Will you ever cease your endless fretting over the baby’s health?”

 

Before her eyes, Colin was replaced with a tense, haughty young lordling. “I apologize for offending you.”

 

She had seen him speak sharply to Anthony, that gleam of hurt simmering underneath, but never with her. Not even when he found out about Whistledown. Perhaps she was becoming like her mother, unfeeling toward her husband and critical of those around her. The thought lashed at her more harshly than the wind. She rubbed her hands against the prickly wool, before she pushed the blanket away and stood. 

 

“I need some air,” she said with a hint of superiority in her own tone that she wasn’t proud of. Colin scoffed, and even she could admit it was a thin excuse, but some lurking pride wouldn’t allow her to retreat. “I fear I’m unpleasant company at the moment.”

 

“Don’t venture far,” Colin replied firmly.

 

“I shall do as I like,” Penelope said, tossing her hair over her shoulder and attempting to stride purposefully through the tall grass that led closer to the hillside. The terrain became increasingly rocky however, and her stride was more of a waddle owing to her poor ankles and large belly. Worse, she could feel Colin’s eyes on her back, watching over her like a hawk no doubt. That meant she hadn’t even the option to change course, or she would give him the satisfaction of being correct.

 

She continued on stubbornly, reaching far enough from the house that she could no longer see it, and she could be assured that Colin could no longer see her . There was a large boulder nestled near the cliff. It was hard to scramble up but she refused to give up now. Finally she sat on top of its jagged surface. It wasn’t terribly comfortable, but at least she could weep where no one would hear her. 

 

Penelope missed Mayfair, she missed writing, and most of all, she missed Eloise. They could not even correspond given the rift between them, and it hurt . It wasn’t that life in London had been perfect. But there had been comfort in the familiarity, she had belonged to a family, as imperfect as it was. Fresh tears formed at the thought that her childhood home would never be the same, now that her father was a missing presence. 

 

And as much as she‘d felt an outsider, she had enjoyed the sparkle and ceremony of society. Here, they were utterly alone. She had none of the clandestine excitement of Whistledown, and she never would again. That part of her was gone forever.

 

She rubbed her belly for comfort, a smile breaking through as the baby pushed against her probing hand with a foot or perhaps an elbow. 

 

“Hello, love,” she said softly. At least she was not alone, no, for she always had her little son with her. The affection she felt for him was unlike anything else, and yet– 

 

“I came to see that you are well.”

 

Penelope turned to see Colin standing stiffly several paces from her. His chin was raised defiantly but she knew him far too intimately not to see his uncertainty.

 

She reached a hand toward him and struggled to climb down from her stony perch. His face crumpled with concern and he rushed to put his hands around her waist and help her down safely. Penelope could feel the tenderness in it, even when she had used her sharp tongue against him and acted like a child, storming off. He was so good, and he cared for her. Perhaps that’s what made her marriage different from the one she had seen growing up. And if Colin was different from her father, she could make different choices than her mother.

 

She took his hand and kissed it in silent apology.

 

His shoulders relaxed at the show of affection. The mask of arrogance fell and in its place was sadness.  

 

“Allow me to escort you back to the house,” he said, intertwining his fingers with hers and beginning to walk. Penelope knew the silence was hers to break as they walked along the cliffside and up the hill.

 

“I’m sorry, Colin,” she said, tugging at his hand so he would look at her. He sighed.

 

“What have I done?” he asked. “I’ve been trying to think of how I hurt you.”

 

Penelope shook her head. “It isn’t your fault, I promise. It’s very beautiful here, you’ve found us a lovely place to have the baby…”

 

She paused, uncertain of how to describe the crawling sensation that lived in her skin, the way she felt herself expanding in a cage that only ever felt smaller. After the freedom of London, of Whistledown, how could she be happy in a world that had shrunk to a pinpoint?

 

“But you hate it?” Colin interjected. Penelope could tell that he was holding back from asking if she hated him, and her heart fell.

 

“No, it’s not that.” She squeezed his hand in reassurance. “It’s only that I feel lonely here. Without Eloise, without Whistledown.”

 

“You miss your old life?” he asked quietly. 

 

“Yes, but it’s complicated. Because I love the baby and you…you’re wonderful. I want this new life too.” Penelope laughed rather humourlessly. “I suppose I'm greedy. I want to be all of the selves I’ve ever been, and more besides. Live every life. See how every future unfolds. But that’s impossible.”

 

Colin nodded slowly as they crested the hill. They were almost to the house and he halted her, wanting another moment of privacy before the servants greeted them. 

 

“Perhaps growing up is realising that when we take one path, another closes to us. But not every path. Some may simply become more winding.” He cupped her cheek in his large hand. “I suspect Eloise and your writing can be reclaimed. And I’ll help in any way I can.”

Notes:

Our babies are having growing pains. 🥺 But they'll figure it out together.

Thank you for all your sweet comments on this one. Puppy love Polin is one of my favorites to write.

Thank you so much to Elle018 for the beta. We randomly decided this morning to try to update all of my WIP in one day to see if we could pull it off and we made it! Couldn't have done it without her! I am officially Property of Snooze now. 🤩

Chapter 18

Penelope watched snow fall silently over the garden. She was tucked in snugly at her window seat, but she was blessedly alone for the moment. This week, Colin had given strict orders to her new maid, Rae, to shadow her everywhere she went. But Rae, her eyes a pool of quiet wisdom, had obtained a small bell for Penelope and slipped it into her hands soon after Colin’s edict. Rae would position herself outside whatever room Penelope was in, close enough to hear the bell but not so close as to snuff out the flame of independence that felt so vital to her well-being.

 

Penelope loved Rae for another reason as well: she spent her time of enforced leisure making adorable wee clothes for the baby. The only time Penelope saw a hint of a smile on the other woman’s face was when Penelope exclaimed over every sweetly embroidered nightgown or finely knitted booty. Penelope knew that Violet had sent an entire trunk of baby things and yet Rae’s felt like little gestures of love for her mistress. 

 

Yes, Penelope was surrounded by the kind of devotion that she had always longed for, and yet it still felt strange to be near her husband after their first quarrel and reconciliation. She felt as she had after her father’s death– floating along in a haze of her own thoughts. It was difficult to find the space for anything more than nestling herself beside him when he was near. Colin, for his part, had become hesitant with her. At times, he appeared so eager to please Penelope that his fawning felt uncomfortable, while at others he retreated into an aloof distance, poring over maps of places he would never see.

 

Sighing, Penelope rang her little bell, feeling as though she was play-acting the part of a grand lady as she did so. Portia would disapprove of these airs if she saw them, not for herself of course, but certainly for her youngest daughter.

 

“Yes, ma’am?” Rae asked, immediately appearing in the doorway.

 

“Might you find Mister Bridgerton for me? And perhaps prepare a tray of tea and shortbread sufficient for his appetite?”

 

That task complete, Penelope rose and looked in a looking glass hanging nearby. She much preferred the soft waves Rae favored for her hair rather than the tight curls of the past, but she wondered if Colin would approve of the general roundness of her features that confinement had emphasised. There was nothing to be done for it though. She released her hair from its pins so that it flowed down her back, as he dearly loved to touch it, and sat back down to wait.

 

“Is something the matter, darling?” Colin asked, looking slightly out of breath from rushing to her summons. “Have your pains begun?”

 

“No, no,” Penelope assured him. “I was lonely.”

 

“Francesca should not neglect you so,” Colin frowned. “She was brought expressly as your companion…”

 

“I want you,” Penelope said hesitantly. “I miss you .”

 

Rae entered the room carrying a tray, setting it on the table by the fireplace. “Here you are, my lady. Mister Bridgerton’s favorite biscuits, fresh from the oven.”

 

Colin’s countenance had brightened considerably from his nervous fluttering earlier. Perhaps it was only the biscuits. Penelope patted the settee beside her and he strode over as she began to pour his tea.

 

“You shouldn’t exert yourself, dearest,” he said.

 

Penelope ignored him with a little huff. An awkward silence descended as she handed him his teacup and prepared a little plate of shortbread for him as well.

 

“Thank you,” he said. 

 

They both sipped at their tea and stared at the fire until Penelope thought that she might scream. At Aubrey Hall, Colin’s presence was such a comfort. Why did it feel so different now, as though they were speaking past one another, always causing offence?

 

“I didn't mean to make you so unhappy,” Colin muttered, his shoulders slumping forward. Penelope knew her face must betray her discontent, but she felt a swell of tender concern at the forlorn sound in his voice.

 

“Colin, nothing makes me happier than being with you,” she said, setting aside her own teacup and trying to arrange herself closer to him. It was a challenge, as every way she turned her belly got in the way. She could not even wrap her arms around him with how stiffly he was sitting.

 

“Oh bother!” she cried, frustrated yet again with the impossibility of it all.

 

Colin stood. “I am only in your way. I will take my leave.”

 

Penelope burst into tears. She felt childish but this was such an utter disaster when all she wanted was to regain some of their old understanding.

 

“Do not leave me,” she wailed. “Please do not.”

 

Colin, to his credit, immediately kneeled in front of her and began wiping her cheeks with his handkerchief. “What do you need? Everything I do is a failure.”

 

Penelope’s loud weeping had subsided a little with his continued presence. She sniffed loudly as he stroked her hair back from her face.

 

“I want my husband. I want you to hold me and kiss me and keep me company. I am lonesome for you, Colin. Just you.”

 

“But I make you so angry,” he said, his forehead traced with lines.

 

“I am a terrible wife,” Penelope admitted, tears flooding her eyes yet again. “I cannot control myself.” 

 

“It is I who is lacking. I have forced you into marriage, into motherhood, before you were ready. Now you hate me. And I hate myself for it, because I cannot even regret it, selfish as I am. I still want you.”

 

Penelope’s eyes widened in disbelief. But Colin did mean it. She knew his expressions better than anyone’s, and the shade of his gaze told her he was sincere. His jaw simply begged to be cradled in her hand, for she did not trust herself to manoeuvre any closer without knocking him onto his backside with her protruding belly.

 

He leaned into her touch and it encouraged her. Colin still felt affection for her.

 

“I know I have been ill-tempered these last weeks, and I am so, so, sorry for it.” She paused, considering how to explain. “This is not my home, and I miss Aubrey Hall. I miss Bridgerton House and our own dear little space in Bloomsbury. And I also do not feel like myself. My body does not feel like my own. I cannot make sense of my feelings and I do not have my writing to focus my thoughts as it used to. And you do not wish for my company, always sending Rae or Francesca to attend to me.”

 

“I thought you did not want me. I have stolen your future from you. It is natural for you to resent me.”

 

He looked so distraught, so sure in his own belief that she did not care for him any longer. He was so wrong about her sentiments that it was very nearly tragic. She couldn’t allow him to suffer under that misapprehension any longer, even if what she said next was very frightening.

 

“Colin, I would not want a future without you. I– I have loved you for a very long time,” she admitted shyly. She looked down, avoiding his gaze, but that did not help, for she could see the baby moving within her, and that made her blush even harder. Now he would know that not only had she encouraged his physical affections, she had done so while in love with him!

 

“You love me?” Colin asked, astonished. 

 

“Yes, and I always have,” she replied, taking his hand and kissing it. “Loving you and knowing you– they are inseparable for me. I hope you do not mind.”

 

Colin leaned forward and kissed her belly. “Your mother loves me,” he whispered, as if he could not believe his good fortune. “She loves me, and I love her.”

 

Penelope gave a shaky breath and carded her fingers through his beautiful hair, keeping him close to her. 

 

“I do, so very much. But you do not have to say it– I do not expect that from you. Your friendship is enough.”

 

“How can it be, Pen?” Colin asked, raising his head to look at her. “For hearing you say you love me, it is as though everything is complete now. How could I do anything but love my darling wife? The mother of this little one? No, we love one another, and that is as it has always been.”

 

Penelope again felt choked with tears, but they were happy ones now. “I am glad, Colin. I have always wanted to be yours.”

 

“You are mine, Penelope. I know you are overwhelmed with change, but that is one thing that will remain the same.”

 

“Will you wait for me? Stay by my side until it all makes sense again?”

 

“I will,” Colin said firmly. “But I must hold you immediately or I will go mad.”

 

Penelope laughed at his dramatics. “That is what I have been trying to do but the baby gets in the way.”

 

“Nonsense,” Colin said easily. He stood and gestured for her to slide down on the settee. Then he sat at the end facing the fire, widening the space between his legs so she could nestle there. He pulled her back against his chest and ran his hands over her belly. Her head relaxed against him as the safety of his warmth soothed her. “There you are,” he said in a soft voice as he felt her calm. 

 

“I love you, Colin,” she whispered, enjoying the flickers of the fire as they remained protected from the flurries of snow outside.

Notes:

It's the moment we've all been waiting for...and it only took pregnancy hormones to get us there!

Thank you so much to Elle018 for being my beta for this one!

Next chapter we'll meet the baby. I was considering naming the little one Snooze after my beloved beta but she vetoed it for some reason. 🤔 We'll just have to see the name Polin chooses for their Baby Lemondrop...

Notes:

Do I know what I'm doing today? No. But I'm here, and I'm gonna give it my best shot. 🤭

We all have to pass the time before Part 2 drops somehow, and this is how I'm coping. *yeets unplanned pregnancy trope out into the universe*

I hope you enjoy!