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Everything aches and burns and freezes over all at the same time.
Jake blinks, his throat feeling like a million suns. “Does it always feel like this? I can’t deal with it.”
Jay sits down next to him, the bed creaking with the extra weight. “With time, your hunger will fade, and it’ll be okay. It’s only been two months for you.” He gives Jake a small smile. “I’m still getting used to your hair being so blond.”
When Jay’s hand reaches up to tug at the hair on the nape of Jake’s neck, Jake re-realizes that their skin temperature is now the same, a discovery he keeps forgetting. It’s instinct for him to flinch at how cold any of their touch is, to tease Sunghoon or Heeseung for their icy fingers, but now he has no reason to back away anymore.
Jake clears his throat. “You know, I can’t believe I got stuck with the being-turned-makes-your-hair-different gene. I look like a ghost — pale skin, pale hair, it’s so weird seeing myself.” There aren’t any mirrors in the confines of his room, but he catches glimpses of himself in the mugs of blood he gets handed on trays, his reflection in them a muted crimson-black. It’s a sight he can only stomach for a few seconds before chugging away. Bottoms up.
“Maybe, but ghosts don’t eat,” Jay jokes, his hand falling back to his side. “Besides, Sunoo and Riki got stuck with the blond, too. They look good. You’ll get used to it.”
“You keep saying I’ll get used to things.”
“You will.”
And for once, Jake finds Jay’s confidence more comforting than annoying or misplaced.
Nonetheless, he quirks an eyebrow. “How can you be so sure?”
“Because I’ve seen it happen, over and over.” Jay gives him a look that screams of the hundreds of years he’s been around, despite his body only being twenty-one. “Trust me.”
“I do,” Jake says. Because he does.
They sit in silence for a few minutes, letting their words sit, the air around them carefully settling.
Jake glances at the metal bars over the windows, at the foot-thick door of titanium, at the cement walls he’s already left claw marks in. The mattress they’re sitting on is his fourth one, the other three torn to feathery shreds. If he wasn’t so weak and so, so, hungry, he would’ve bent the bars and smashed the glass, or punched right through the cement and made a break for it.
Jay pats Jake’s back lightly, his hand a fleeting thing, his eyes even flightier as he faces Jake but doesn’t quite look at him. “If you still want to change your mind, we can get you human blood first. I promise it’s okay.”
Jake shakes his head immediately. “I’m fine, I promise. I only have one more month, anyway.”
“Yeah. Then you won’t be a little newborn anymore.” Jay manages a smile, lopsided, and finally, his eyes meet Jake’s. “Are you excited for your first hunt?”
“Excited to get out of this room.”
Jay lets out a chuckle. “Yeah, yeah.”
“...Tell me about it?”
“Hunting?”
Jake nods.
“Well, there’s nothing like it.” Jay’s entire body and expression turns animated, his fangs showing as he smiles, his hands gesturing wildly. “The thrill of the chase. The smell of blood being carried through the wind. The feeling of having the entire world at your feet. It’s like all of your senses narrow into one thing, but you can still feel everything, every little bug, every twitch of a rabbit’s ear or a squirrel’s tail. The hikers making their rounds miles away. It’s insane.”
Jake tries to immerse himself. He pictures the breeze in his ears, the metallic tang of blood in the air all around him, the moon lighting up his way through the forest. He knows he can see in the dark now and tries to conjure up how he might view the world at night, but his imagination is lost to him — he’ll experience it soon enough.
“I know what it might sound like at first,” Jay says, his smile turning serious, “but we’re not monsters. We do this to survive. You wouldn’t call a tiger a monster, or a blood bat, or a bear. I mean, the mindset around Vampires is changing, but…”
“I know all of that, Jay-yah. I’ve been around all of you for the last seven years. I know.”
“Seven years, huh?”
“Yep. I’m twenty-four now.” Jake elbows Jay’s side just a bit. “So you can save me the whole lecture about how Vampires aren’t actually bad.”
Jay’s face crumples. Wrinkles. It takes a few seconds before he finally lands on a soft smile, a mix of embarrassment and insecurity and something maybe close to fondness. “I’m just making sure.”
Jake rests his hand on Jay’s and swears that maybe something close to warmth shoots up his veins. “Thank you.”
“Don’t thank me,” Jay says, eyes impossibly sad, his stare landing on the bite mark beneath Jake’s jaw.
“Thanks anyway.”
The millions of locks within the door click open, the titanium banging against the wall violently as Jay saunters in with a toothy grin. “It’s time!” he cheers, arms wide.
Jake gets up from the bed in record speed, the book he’d been holding fluttering to the floor with an ugly thud. The smile on his face is beautiful, his stomach and feet twisting, aching, twitching.
When he follows Jay up the stairs, he sees Sunghoon and Heeseung guiding Riki and Sunoo, all of them grinning toothily at each other the whole way up and into the living room. Jake looks out the window, his view of the outside world finally not obscured, and stares at the way the full moon hangs proudly in the sky. Round and beautiful and ripe.
“I know you three babies are hungry,” Heeseung coos, laughing when Sunoo shoots him a venomous side eye.
Jungwon claps his hands excitedly. “I still remember my first hunt! This will be so much fun.”
I just want to eat, Jake thinks, sharing a glance with Riki, who laughs at his thoughts.
“Let’s get a move on before it gets too late,” Jay says, making his way towards the back door and sliding it open.
Sunghoon smiles at them, oddly proud. He projects a vision into each of their heads, of his hands reaching around the neck of a stag, the crack-crack-crack of its neck ringing. “Remember, when you kill, kill fast and kill with mercy. We don’t want the animals to be in pain.”
Jungwon nods at Sunghoon before looking at each of the newborns. “This is important, and one of the oldest traditions our coven has. Please follow the rules!”
“It’s your first kill, so it might get messy,” Jay says, his eyes slightly far away, “but try to have some etiquette.”
“We get it, hyungs,” Sunoo says, but his cheeks are dimpled as he rolls his eyes. “Let’s go!”
Jake nods in agreement. Riki does as well.
“Fine, fine,” Jay grumbles, but he laughs as he watches the way Riki eagerly glides through the door. “Let’s get some dinner.”
Everything is holy and sweet.
Jake barely registers the moment he pounces on the deer, the lectures his hyungs had given him about killing animals quickly and painlessly only managing to filter through his starved-haze due to how persistent they’d been about it.
Snap.
It’s almost scary, almost impressive, how easily he manages to break its neck. How his fingers dig into its fur, how his palms soak up the warmth leaving its body. He uses whatever willpower he has left to close the deer’s eyes.
When he sinks his fangs right into its belly, he feels like a true newborn, the ivory of his face and the flaxen gold of his hair becoming stickier and sticker with crimson. He knows nothing but drink. He doesn’t pause to take a breath: knows he doesn’t need to.
I was made for this.
When Jake is done, there is only a sack of skin and bones at his feet. There is only his hands and fingers, finally steady and dipped in viscous ink.
The first thing he feels is full.
The second thing he feels is guilt, but not over his nature. Only that he didn’t save anything for anyone else.
“You don’t need to feel bad, I managed to get my own catch,” Riki says from behind him, half his jaw covered in blood, his own head of blond hair pristine.
Jake straightens as he turns, wiping his mouth with his sleeve, then licking his lips when he realizes he shouldn’t waste. “I keep forgetting you can do that. Get out of my head.”
Riki scoffs but smiles, his teeth stained. “I would never choose to read minds. Especially not yours.”
“It’s a blessing and a curse, huh?”
“You could say that. I’m learning how to gain more control over it, though.”
Jake hums, then pictures ruffling Riki’s hair until it poofs up.
Riki laughs as he sees what Jake imagines.
“Are you still hungry?” Jake asks, his nose twitching as he smells a rabbit just a few yards away.
Riki looks up at him, his eyes shining amber in the moonlight. “Always.”
"Of course you are. Brat."
"Yah!"
Jake half expected special treatment since he’s a clumsy newborn and all, but he didn’t know Jay would baby him to this extent. Not that he’s complaining, exactly, but…
“Hold still,” Jay says, clicking his tongue.
“I am still,” Jake mumbles, but he sits up straighter, his gaze landing on the pictures hanging on Jay’s walls — group pictures and selfies and everything, but since when were there so many of just them two? — before inevitably finding its way back onto Jay. Jay, with his dark hair that frames his stupid sharp jawline and stupid cat eyes and stupid moles beneath his pretty eyelashes and stupid pouty pink lips. Thank everything holy and unholy that Jay isn’t the one who was blessed-cursed with a mind reading ability, because Jake would’ve been found out long, long ago.
Jay lets out a little hum as he dips the handkerchief in water, tilting his head while his hand reaches back up to dab at Jake’s lips and chin. The water is warm and with all the blood in his system, Jake feels a blush reach his cheeks as Jay’s stare bears into him — how does one properly accept the attention they burn for?
“You know you don’t have to do this, I can wipe my own mouth,” Jake says, his tone far less petulant and way more fond than he wants it to be.
“But I want to,” Jay says, just as fond.
Jake doesn’t say anything. He just lets himself be taken care of for a few more minutes. Then, with a strike of bravery, he lets his hand wrap around Jay’s wrist.
Jay’s arm pauses mid-air. “What is it?” he asks, eyes flickering, searching for something on Jake’s face.
“Can we talk about it?” Jake says, his voice just above a whisper. “I mean, we’ve kind of been avoiding the topic.”
Jay lets his arm drop. He places the handkerchief onto the table. His eyes dart around his room before falling somewhere between Jake’s nose and cheek. “What do you want to say?”
“I - I mean, I don’t know.”
“What am I supposed to say, Jake?” Jay sighs as he runs a tired hand through his hair, and Jake kicks himself for loving the way Jay’s bangs fall over his eyes, kicking himself harder for noticing the moles dotting his cheek. Stupid moles.
“I just want you to say whatever you’re thinking. I mean, I’m not the one who can read your mind.”
“Right.” Jay sighs again. “To be completely honest, I’m really, really angry. Not at you. At me.”
“Why?” It’s Jake’s turn to sigh, and he knows he’s glaring as he turns to properly face Jay. “Jay, come on. I asked you to turn me.”
Jay meets Jake’s eye for a split second. The way they’re positioned directly across from each other means he can’t avoid looking. “I know you wanted this life. But it’s… you have to understand. I didn’t get to choose it. I still don’t get why you did.”
“Jay, I had stage four fucking cancer.”
“I know.”
“I know that you know, you dumbass.” Jake leans in, knocking his knees against Jay’s to show that he’s not actually angry. “Listen, I also know I could’ve chosen to try and live out the rest of my life. But you guys are my life. You all took me in when I was a useless, bratty teenager and had nowhere else to go. And I wasn’t about to spend even more money on chemo or any other treatments that would only prolong my pain.”
“I was a useless, bratty teenager at one point. We all were. And besides, we would’ve kept paying for your treatments, or found another way that would’ve taken your pain away. We could’ve asked people. Specialists. Witches or Druids.”
“I know, but I didn’t want you to.”
“I just — I really don’t want you to think we gave up and took the ‘easy’ route. That we abandoned you,” Jay says, something dark and ugly twisting his eyebrows into a knot, his mouth into a wrinkled frown.
“You all could never. That day when you found me, well, you could’ve had me for dinner.”
“You know we don’t do that.”
“I know. But I didn’t at the time.”
Jay sighs, less exasperated and slightly more warm. “Whatever. Fine. But still, I can’t help thinking that I took something away from you.”
Jake shakes his head, resting his hand on Jay’s knee. “I gave you every right to. I practically begged you to turn me. You’re so damn stubborn.”
“You’re more stubborn.”
“Clearly, considering I got what I wanted.”
The eyeroll Jay gives him is almost audible.
“I love you, you know?” Jake says, leaning more into Jay’s space, not daring to look away: he catches the way Jay’s throat bobs up and down, the way his arms cross as he tries to hide how fidgety his fingers become.
“I know,” Jay whispers.
“I know you’ve been taking care of me these past seven years. I know you’ve watched me grow up.” Jake reaches for Jay’s hands, smiling when Jay unfurls his arms easily, smiling wider when Jay lets him twine their fingers together.
“I have.”
“So do you love me back? As more than the little seventeen-year-old you had to take care of?”
Jay finally, finally, properly looks at him. His lip trembles as he nods and says, “You know I do. I have for a few years, now.”
“Okay,” Jake says.
“Okay.”
And Jake leans in.
And Jay leans in.
And Jake tastes something earthier and sweeter than blood.
“So you two finally got your shit together,” Riki comments during breakfast a few days later, causing everyone in the room to shoot their heads up.
“Thank you for announcing that,” Jake grumbles, shooting daggers at Riki with his stare, who only sticks his tongue out at him.
Jay smiles and tightens his grip on Jake’s waist. “We finally did.”
Sunghoon glances at them. “Is this why you’ve been sharing a room?”
Sunoo laughs as he sips his O- bag. “Can you let us know when you’re going to get loud? I’d rather not be within hearing distance.”
“Agree,” Heesung says with a smirk.
Jake scrambles over the counter to get his hands around Sunoo and is only stopped thanks to the collective help of Jungwoon, Heeseung, and Jay. “I’m going to get you!” he seethes, face turning beet red.
Sunoo just keeps sipping.
Everything aches and burns and freezes over all at the same time.
Jake blinks, his throat feeling like a million suns. “Does it always feel like this?”
Jay plants a kiss over his bite mark. “Like what?” he asks, his eyes glittering like the warm ocean water around them, the moon cascading him with a soft glow.
“You’re beautiful,” Jake says.
“Not as beautiful as you,” Jay replies, his gaze honeyed and dark. “You’re an angel.”
If Jake could read minds, he’d see the way Jay looks at him, the way Jay views him right now: his pale blond hair a low flame in the moonlight, his eyelashes long and eyes shining, his lips curved into a smile dripping with sugar, everything about him begging to be admired, to be tasted and savored.
But Jake can’t see what Jay’s thinking, only feels, only leans further into him as Jay pushes his fingers deeper inside, pace ruthless yet gentle as he curls into Jake’s prostate over and over, Jake’s moans nearly lost to the sound of the waves and Jay’s own mouth pressing against his own.
“More,” Jake pleads, even though he feels seconds away from melting. He thumbs Jay’s collarbone, the divot of his chest, then reaches further down, smiling when Jay lets out a broken moan as Jake pumps his hand up and down as quick as he can — both of them can set a brutal pace. Both of them can play at this game.
“You’re insatiable,” Jay says, biting at Jake’s jaw, his teeth finding their way towards a sensitive spot behind Jake’s ear.
“And you’ll indulge me,” Jake says, whining when Jay’s fingers leave him, his voice rising in pitch when Jay pushes just the tip in.
“I will,” Jay answers, the promise lingering over Jake’s throat. He pushes all the way in and bites.
Jake closes his eyes and still sees stars.
“You guys are so freaky!” Riki squawks as Jake and Jay walk into the living room, both of them sporting equally wide smiles.
Jake is quick to hurry over and pinch Riki’s ear, “I thought you said you could control your ability!”
Riki squeaks, grabbing for a pillow to smack Jake’s arms with.
Heeseung and Sunghoon are both quick to hurry over and pull Jake off, forcibly twirling him away and into the lovingly-tight embrace of Jay’s arms.
“I mostly can!” Riki says, placing his hands over his ears, “But not when you two are thinking so loudly!”
Jay presses a kiss against Jake’s temple. “Oops.” It’s not his fault he can’t stop thinking about the way Jake looks when he’s needy, his lips pouty and eyes wide.
Similarly, Jake can’t help but think about the way Jay’s voice turns syrupy when Jake twists his hips a certain way, or the way Jay’s eyes turn soft when Jake lets him have the first bite of a kill, or the way he throat looks with Jake’s bite marks all over it—
Riki squawks again. “Stop!”
Jay quickly thinks about butterflies. Cute animals. Puppies. (Puppies? Puppies remind him of Jake…)
Jake thinks about pinching Riki’s cheeks.
Sunghoon sighs. Heeseung looks like he’s on the verge of a headache despite that being genetically impossible. A few meters to the right, Jungwoon and Sunoo are busy doing the dishes and happily ignoring everything.
Riki is quick to glare at all of them.
Jay only laughs in response. Jake melts into Jay’s touch and finds he doesn’t really care enough to do anything about this situation at the moment. He’ll make it up to Riki later.
They have a lot of time.