An Old Fear

by Sath

Summary:

When he comes of age, Kabru chooses to travel with the Canaries rather than live among humans. A routine dungeon expedition gets interrupted by a monster that feeds on fear. While Kabru is able to resist, Mithrun isn’t.

Notes:

Note that Kabru kisses Mithrun in a situation where Mithrun wasn't in his right mind in an effort to save both of them from danger.

Chapter 1: who's afraid of the bogeyman?

“Captain.”

Mithrun didn’t seem to hear Kabru. He continued glaring at the mayor of Detzbehl, the next words out of his mouth likely to be a diplomatic disaster.

“Captain,” Kabru repeated, putting his hand on Mithrun’s shoulder. Mithrun’s eye widened for a moment.

Then, he nodded for Kabru to speak.

“Lord Mayor,” Kabru said. “There’s no denying that the dungeon’s become stranger and more active.”

“Which is exactly why I’m not letting you in it,” the mayor said. “This town is here because of the dungeon—we’d have nothing without it. I don’t want my people to go hungry just because some long-lived elves think they know better than us.”

“If you haven’t noticed yet, I’m not an elf, or even a Canary,” Kabru replied with a wink, before turning serious again. “I come from Utaya.”

“Utaya was a tragedy.”

“One that could happen again. Please, the Queen will help you build anew without relying on the dungeon.”

The mayor stroked his beard, obviously mistrustful. “And what’s the hidden price of that, eh? You’d know, wouldn’t you, since you serve elves so well.”

Kabru was used to those kinds of remarks; the mayor had even been politer than most. His suspicion of elves didn’t seem set in stone, however. Negotiations could still be turned around. Mithrun let Kabru keep speaking for him as Kabru appealed to the mayor’s sense of responsibility towards his people. Good men were always easier to reason with.

After what felt like hours, the mayor agreed to let them enter the dungeon, under the condition that they would leave if they couldn’t find the lord of the dungeon within three weeks. The mayor was convinced that any threat that couldn’t be found quickly wasn’t a real threat at all. It was a tight timeline, but Kabru believed that the Canaries could make it.

The Canaries congratulated Kabru as they walked back to the inn. “I don’t know how you do it,” Cithis said.

“I just pay attention to people.”

“We haven’t been kicked out in so long,” Lycion said, with what sounded like a little disappointment.

As usual, Mithrun went to his room without a word. Cithis cast a smug look Kabru’s way as he followed Mithrun inside.

Mithrun took off his cloak and threw it over a chair. “Why are you here?”

“Your hair’s gotten dirty.”

Mithrun put his hands in his hair, registering the oiliness for the first time. “OK.”

Kabru briefly left the room to ask the innkeeper to send up a tub of water. When he returned, Mithrun had already stripped to the waist. Taking care of the captain on investigations was the least glamorous part of the job. The Canaries had done it in turns before Milsiril sent Kabru to work with them, but it quickly became his responsibility alone.

“You take the best care of him,” Fleki had said. “Why would we ever let anyone else do it?”

Mithrun kneeled in front of the tub while Kabru went on one knee beside him. Kabru cupped water in his hands to pour it over Mithrun’s hair. The first time he’d done this, he’d felt like he’d die of embarrassment. It was too intimate. Kabru couldn’t help the way his eyes lingered over Mithrun’s narrow, scarred shoulders as water dripped down his nape. If Mithrun were unattractive, Kabru’s life would be so much easier.

The Canaries were already singing loudly downstairs and probably making Pattadol gnash her teeth. Meanwhile, Kabru was working soap into Mithrun’s hair. He was lucky to be allowed to travel with the Canaries when the elves wouldn’t let him properly enlist. Kabru was still doing important work—today would’ve gone badly without him. He was good for more than his abilities as a hairstylist.

Nevertheless, Kabru sighed. Mithrun wouldn’t notice. Kabru massaged Mithrun’s scalp to get rid of any lingering greasiness. Mithrun’s hair felt silky under Kabru’s fingers. Touching Mithrun felt like it had more temptations every time. Maybe Kabru should tell the Canaries that he was tired of being Mithrun’s nursemaid, it wasn’t his job, and also he kept getting a hard-on, which had to count as insubordination.  

The loudest sound in the room seemed to be Mithrun’s steady breathing. Kabru allowed himself a brief fantasy of leaning down to kiss Mithrun’s exposed neck, then reached for the towel to dry Mithrun’s hair.

Just another typical day with the Canaries.

Mithrun sat up. He appeared to be thinking deeply as he stared at Kabru, without actually looking at him at all. This was where a normal person would’ve told Kabru that he’d done a good job with the mayor that day. Kabru finished drying Mithrun’s hair, tucking a strand that kept getting over his eye behind his ear.

“I’m done, Captain.”

Mithrun nodded.

“Thanks for letting me speak for you today,” Kabru said.

“I knew that you’d convince him.”

 Getting a compliment out of Mithrun was possible—you merely had to corner him into it.

---

They set out for the dungeon at the crack of dawn. Of course, it didn’t make any difference whether it was day or night down there, but keeping to surface hours made it easier to keep to a steady schedule. Parties could easily lose track of when to eat or sleep in a dungeon.

Mithrun walked ahead. He was tense, moving forward as if pulled on a string. The city guard was already escorting people out of the dungeon. Adventurers glared at the Canaries as they passed by—the more daring ones cursed the Canaries under their breath. Kabru tried to keep the mutters about a tallman traveling with elves out of his ears. Had Utaya not fallen to monsters, Kabru might’ve gone his whole life without ever speaking to an elf.

“They brought a pet with them,” said a tallman as he bumped against Kabru’s shoulder.

Kabru smiled at him. “Woof.”

“Hey, don’t imitate me,” Lycion said, pulling Kabru away from the other tallman. “Ignore him,” he added.

“Have I ever caused trouble?” Kabru replied sweetly.

“Have you ever thought about starting?” Otta asked. “We’d help, you know.”

“You would, wouldn’t you?”

Grinning, Kabru was able to put the other tallman’s insult out of his mind as Otta told him she’d teach him the many illegal ways to get revenge on someone. She lightly punched Kabru’s shoulder as punctuation.

“Hey, stop that, you’ll pull a muscle by reaching up that high.”

“You’re not as tall as you think you are, Kabru,” Otta replied. “I’m just short.”

“Like your girlfriends.”

“Like your girlfriends, too,” Otta said, smirking.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

The moment the Canaries and Kabru got inside the dungeon, the air turned abruptly stale over the familiar scents of human habitation. It was hard to resist following the smell of fresh-baked bread. Mithrun was the perfect height to be lost in the crowd of people grumbling and leaving. Pattadol looked a bit frantic as Kabru followed the brief flashes of silver hair until the crowd thinned.  

They were, at last, in the dungeon proper. Already, the dungeon was showing signs of instability. The first level opened into a great hall, with stairways coming from all angles. A distant harpy screamed. Kabru fought the shiver that went up his spine at the sound; it’d been the last thing he’d heard before his most recent death.

Milsiril couldn’t understand why Kabru would go into dungeons instead of staying safely at home. She’d made Kabru feel more like a pet than any of the Canaries had. Sometimes, Kabru didn’t even understand why he went into dungeons.

Kabru’s reason was in that harpy’s scream. No one in Detzbehl should hear it.

---

A week in the dungeon passed quickly. As the Canaries gathered for a short break, Kabru pressed a ration into Mithrun’s hand.

“This level’s too quiet,” Mithrun said, between bites. “Something lives here that the other monsters are afraid of.”

“Do you think it’s a dragon?” Pattadol asked.

Mithrun shrugged. “It’s something.”

He suddenly got up, dropping the ration as he put his ear to the wall. Kabru failed to catch the ration before it hit the floor—though he knew Mithrun would still eat it, anyway. Mithrun held a finger to his lips. “I hear drums.” He frowned with a look of distaste. “But it’s not orcs.”

Kabru put his ear to the wall, but couldn’t hear anything. The Canaries copied their captain and formed a comical line against the wall. No one heard drums except for Mithrun.

Dark, gangrenous-looking hands emerged from the wall. They weren’t the most frightening thing he’d ever seen in the dungeon, but Kabru felt paralyzed with terror. The hands rested on Mithrun’s shoulders, lightly pressing down finger by finger as Mithrun began to tremble, frozen in place. None of the Canaries noticed what was going on.

The hands yanked Mithrun through the wall. Finally free of the strange paralysis, Kabru shouted and grabbed Mithrun’s arm. Loud, human laughter echoed through the dungeon as Kabru held on with all of his strength as the arms tried to snatch Mithrun.

“Why not, why not,” said a soft voice that made Kabru’s blood run cold. “I can take two, take two lovely boys.”

More arms came out of the wall and pulled Kabru in with Mithrun. The last thing that Kabru heard from the Canaries was Otta snapping that she couldn’t move the stone.

It felt like Kabru was gently drifting downwards, as if he were in water rather than being carried somewhere awful by monsters. He was still grasping Mithrun’s arm, though he couldn’t see more than the faint outline of Mithrun falling with him. Kabru had to protect the captain. Drawing Mithrun closer, Kabru wrapped his arms around him. Mithrun was still shaking.

The hands abruptly let Kabru go and he fell hard on his shoulder with Mithrun’s weight on top of him. Clinging to Mithrun, Kabru took in the dark stone of the walls.

“Are you hurt, Captain?”

“We’ve been caught by a bogeyman,” Mithrun replied. There was something off about his voice. Mithrun clenched his fingers in the fabric of Kabru’s shirt before letting him go and sitting up. The trembling had finally gone away.

Kabru didn’t know what a bogeyman was, but he was certain it was awful. Another certain thing was that Mithrun was innocently straddling his lap.

“It’s making us afraid so it can digest our fear,” Mithrun said. “And when we run out of fear, it’ll come to finish the meal.”

“But you’re fine, right? No desire means no fear?”

Mithrun stood up, letting Kabru get to his feet. “You think there’s nothing I’m afraid of?” Mithrun asked.

“You can’t be afraid,” Kabru said, suddenly doubting himself. Was that why Mithrun had been trembling?

“We need to find a way out. We’re in its body right now—it’s infested all the walls, like a fungus.”

Mithrun teleported ahead and started walking quickly, making Kabru jog to catch up to him.

“You should save your mana,” Kabru said. “Your physical energy, too. We have no food down here.”

“I don’t think we’re too far from the others.” Turning to Kabru, Mithrun asked, “What’s your greatest fear?”

Kabru didn’t even have to think. “Monsters.”

“Yet you come with the Canaries.”

 “I want to help,” Kabru replied.

“Some of the monsters you see may not be real. Listen to me if they’re not.”

“I will.”

“I don’t know what I’ll see,” Mithrun said. “I just know that I was terrified when the bogeyman’s arms reached out for me. That creature wants me more than you, since I was the one it lured in with drums.”

The faintest smile appeared on Mithrun’s face. Kabru saw it so rarely. Usually, Mithrun smiled after a fight or when he went against someone’s wishes. What was Mithrun smiling at now? Was it because he was the bogeyman’s favorite?

The Canaries said that Kabru understood Mithrun better than any of them did. Maybe they were right. Even without desires, Mithrun still had a sense of irony. It was an odd thing to have been left behind by the demon’s teeth. Whenever the Canaries spoke to someone particularly stubborn about dungeons, Kabru could see a sardonic look dancing behind Mithrun’s eye.

Isn’t this absurd, Kabru? We’re trying to save them from themselves, yet they don’t want us.

They made it an entire hour before Mithrun went the wrong way.

“Captain, we came from that direction,” Kabru said, putting his hand on Mithrun’s shoulder.

Mithrun turned. Kabru nearly screamed when he saw that Mithrun’s face had been replaced by a snake’s. He stumbled backwards, fear tightening around his heart.

“Are you seeing a monster right now?” Mithrun asked.

As he nodded, Kabru wanted to cry. Mithrun having a monster’s face was an easy illusion to spot—so why couldn’t he calm down? Kabru just felt more and more afraid. It wasn’t a monster in front of him: it was Mithrun, his captain. One of the people he trusted most.

Mithrun turned his back on Kabru, hiding his awful face. “The bogeyman’s feeding on your fear, making you frightened beyond all reason.”

Kabru’s knees felt weak. The snake’s face didn’t even matter anymore; monsters had surrounded him. Monsters slowly walked past Kabru in a hideous parade, gore on their claws and over their mouths. Kabru’s heart was beating so fast that he wondered if he was having a heart attack.

A manticore had a severed human arm clamped between its teeth. Kabru closed his eyes and held Mithrun from behind.

“I’m sorry,” Kabru muttered, burying his face in Mithrun’s hair.

Kabru could smell the soap he’d used on Mithrun’s hair yesterday. Mithrun, not a monster. The bogeyman couldn’t change how Mithrun smelled, or how his slender, familiar body felt against Kabru’s. Mithrun was another human. Kabru ignored the screams and growls he heard. All he wanted to know was the scent of soap.  

After what felt like centuries, the screams faded. Kabru’s heartrate slowed as he released Mithrun. His arms and fingers felt sore, like Kabru had been clutching at Mithrun with his full strength. Had he?

“Did I hurt you, Captain?”

Mithrun looked at Kabru over his shoulder, his face looking like his own again. “It doesn’t matter,” Mithrun replied.

Which meant that Kabru had. “I’m really sorry.”

As he began walking ahead, Mithrun said, “I don’t know how we’ll find the end of this creature.”

“Perhaps we could go in whichever direction makes us least afraid?”

Mithrun stopped so abruptly that Kabru nearly ran into him. “You’re right. Stay here.”

Kabru watched Mithrun as he went to a fork in the hallway, pausing first at the left and then at the right. “This way,” he said, going right.

“Have you seen anything yet?” Kabru asked.

“No. I just feel dread.”

Losing track of time within the bogeyman was even easier than in the rest of the dungeon. Kabru had a few more attacks of being overwhelmed by monsters, and each time Mithrun allowed Kabru to hold him until the fear was past. Having Mithrun in his arms while a red dragon’s mouth started to click click behind him was one of the least erotic experiences of Kabru’s life.

Still, Kabru would have a hard time looking the Canaries in the eye for a bit after spending so much time cuddling their captain.

Kabru startled at a sudden, distressed groan coming from Mithrun. “Do you see that?” Mithrun asked hoarsely.

“See what?”

Somehow, Mithrun had gone even paler. “The goat.”

“There’s nothing down the hallway.”

Mithrun took a few steps forward, an avid, near-crazed expression on his face. Kabru held on to Mithrun’s wrist.

“It’s not real,” Kabru said.

Mithrun teleported out of Kabru’s grip and started walking down the hall. He teleported again whenever Kabru got too close to him.

“Captain, please stop.”

“It wants me, not you,” Mithrun murmured, then laughed.

Kabru was afraid of what Mithrun might do with teleportation magic if he tried to stop him again, but he couldn’t let Mithrun keep going. The bogeyman was probably leading Mithrun directly to it.

“I saw the goat,” Kabru lied, pointing back to where they came from. “It’s over there.”

Mithrun looked behind him. “I see it, too.”

Kabru held back a cheer. “Come on, let’s go get it.”

Mithrun obediently followed Kabru. How much could Kabru influence the bogeyman’s illusions? Could he pretend to kill the goat?

“Oh,” Mithrun said as he froze in place. “I was wrong. It doesn’t want me.”

Mithrun fell to his knees, like a puppet with its strings cut. “Not good enough, again,” he whispered.

The bogeyman was clearly feasting. Mithrun’s fear was so heavy in the air that even Kabru could feel it, feeding the hungry thing snaking through the stone around them. The walls seemed to be humming as they closed in. Kabru didn’t know what to do—Mithrun’s fear was putting them in danger. Had it been this bad whenever Kabru had gotten afraid?

“Captain,” Kabru said, shaking Mithrun’s shoulder. “This isn’t real. There’s nothing here but you, me, and the bogeyman eating your fear.”

“I’m not wanted,” Mithrun replied. “I thought the demon had finally come back for me.”

Mithrun had been forthright with Kabru about his time as a lord of a dungeon. Kabru had never been able to connect the insecure person who’d spiraled at the sight of his brother in a mirror with the Mithrun he knew. But now, both Kabru’s Mithrun and the broken lord of the dungeon were in front of him.

The humming from the walls grew louder. Mithrun’s feelings were going to get both him and Kabru killed. “You are wanted,” Kabru said. “The Canaries all rely on you. They trust you, they take care of you…”

Mithrun turned to Kabru, his expression blank. “It’s not me they want. It’s a captain. Anyone could take my place.”

“No, they couldn’t! You’re special to them.”

“And what about you, Kabru?” Mithrun’s tone was flat. “The Canaries aren’t here right now.”

“You’re special to me, too,” Kabru replied thoughtlessly. He didn’t know why he’d spoken about the Canaries like their feelings for their captain were separate from Kabru’s.

Kabru saw a pair of gangrenous hands reaching out from the wall to seize Mithrun. He snatched Mithrun away from them and did something desperate.

“I want you,” Kabru said, before pulling Mithrun into a kiss.

Mithrun shuddered. His strong fingers closed on Kabru’s arms, making Kabru brace to be pushed away. Kabru was a fool for thinking this might work. But then, Mithrun leaned into Kabru’s hold and kissed him back. Mithrun seemed desperate as he angled Kabru’s head down with a hand on his nape, nipping Kabru’s lip when Kabru was slow to respond.

The walls had stopped humming and Kabru couldn’t see the hands anymore. Kabru’s gambit had worked, but Mithrun was still kissing him, still under the influence of a monster. What would Mithrun do when he came back to his senses? Send Kabru back to Milsiril?

No, Mithrun probably wouldn’t do anything. Kabru had been useful. That thought hurt, somehow, as Mithrun slipped his tongue into Kabru’s mouth. Mithrun sounded so pleased. Kabru wished Mithrun would care that he’d kissed him—even anger would be better than the silence that would come.

More noise was coming from the walls, but this time it was rumbling. Had the Canaries found them? Kabru pushed Mithrun away, feeling shattered by the hurt look in Mithrun’s eye. That look unearthed an awful truth in Kabru’s head.

Kabru didn’t simply lust after his captain. He cared for Mithrun. Flashes of the person behind the shell the demon had left of Mithrun’s heart had endeared Mithrun to him, slowly but undeniably. And now, Kabru knew how Mithrun might kiss him a second time, if only there weren’t so many reasons why he’d never touch Kabru again.

Pattadol was the first to come out of the path Otta had made through the wall.

“Captain! Kabru! Are you all right? We need to get out of here, now!”

Mithrun had snapped back to his normal, passionless demeanor. “We’re fine. Let’s go.”

Fleki led them out of the bogeyman’s walls, far away from its fear. As Kabru had expected, Mithrun had nothing to say to him when they camped for the night and they could’ve had privacy.

Kabru pulled the rest of Mithrun’s sleeping bag up when Mithrun didn’t bother covering his shoulders. Cithis was watching Kabru closely, as if she somehow knew what had happened.

“You’ll never have him,” Cithis said. “You can tuck him into bed all you want, but he can’t return any tenderness.”

“Get your mind out of the gutter,” Kabru replied.

“Cithis,” Mithrun said, opening his eye. He must’ve been listening the whole time. “I need another sleeping spell.”

Cithis took out her bells. “Coming right up, Captain.”

Kabru went to his sleeping bag and irritably rolled himself up. Since he didn’t want to be sad about Mithrun, he’d try to be angry at Cithis’s presumption instead.

Even though she was completely right.

Chapter 2: finish your plate

Notes:

Thank you for the comments earlier - they motivated me to get this chapter out pretty quickly, hehe.

The lord of the dungeon had been dealt with.

Mithrun was disturbed. He realized it when Kabru pushed Mithrun’s breakfast bowl towards his hand. Kabru always did that, reminding Mithrun to eat what was in front of him. Mithrun stabbed the oatmeal with his spoon and lifted it to his lips. The oatmeal was tasteless as usual, lukewarm. He didn’t want another bite, but he knew he needed to finish what Kabru had carefully portioned into the bowl.

Kabru. Mithrun glanced at Kabru out of the corner of his eye. Kabru was smiling at Lycion, and an old pain rose like bile in Mithrun’s throat.

If only he were smiling at me, Mithrun thought. What had the bogeyman’s fear done to him? Mithrun bit his lip, clutching the spoon so tightly that his nails dug into his palm. No one paid attention to what Mithrun was doing; why should they? Mithrun never paid attention to the Canaries outside of their utility. Kabru, too, was a means to an end. Kabru understood people.

Kabru had understood how to pull Mithrun out of spiraling horror. And now Kabru was smiling at Lycion, at Otta, at whomever spoke to him. Mithrun knew that Kabru hadn’t meant what he’d said back in the dungeon. The kiss? Meaningless. Mithrun had been out of his mind and Kabru had done what needed to be done. There was nothing to be concerned about. Frustrated with, yes. Mithrun was frustrated that Kabru had had to lie and say “I want you” to save them both from Mithrun’s fear. He’d been so confident that the loss of all his desires save one would immunize him against psychological attacks.

Soon, the bowl of oatmeal was empty. Mithrun got to his feet and left. Wending his way through the crowd, Mithrun dodged the feet of graceless tallmen until he reached the docks. His ship would be departing for the Central Continent soon. Mithrun would wait there for the next dungeon mission to animate him. Being at home let him follow a routine: wake, eat, bathe, walk, eat, practice, eat, walk, sleep. Mithrun didn’t need any help with that, so the Canaries left him alone. Kabru, too.

Mithrun sat down on the quay, allowing his feet to dangle over the water. The sound of the ocean was drowned out by the bustle of the docks.

What did Mithrun want? He knew what, but he wasn’t ready to look at it yet. Perhaps it would cease to be true if he didn’t acknowledge it. Mithrun thought he should be more shocked at this sudden return of a desire.

He felt… inconvenienced. Ill. Angry. Many things, roiling and churning and coming all too fast for someone who’d felt nothing for over 30 years. The silence inside Mithrun’s head shouldn’t have been so fragile that it could be disturbed by the words of a man from a short-lived race. Mithrun sighed.

“There was a time when we’d be rushing to pull you away from the water, Captain,” Cithis said, speaking from behind him.

Mithrun glanced up at Cithis, then looked back at the sea.

“I saw,” Cithis said.

That was unfortunate. “Did the others?”

“I don’t think so. They were distracted by other things, and you were very quick.” After a pause, Cithis added, “I feel sorry for you.”

It occurred to Mithrun that he was being pitied by a criminal. She’d also once put him in a dress, which Mithrun wasn’t upset about.

“Kabru has so little time left,” Cithis said. “Like holding a mayfly in your hand. Besides, you can’t love him back.”

Love him back?

Cithis was wrong both ways. Kabru didn’t love Mithrun; his attention to Mithrun’s needs was only an extension of his warmth to everyone. He probably found Mithrun pathetic. Which shouldn’t bother Mithrun—it was a little like Cithis putting him in a dress, something society insisted should shame him except that Mithrun had forgotten shame. But Mithrun wished Kabru really did want him, instead of pitying him. For Mithrun to be someone desirable rather than a burden, even a fond one.

“And what do you know of my feelings?” Mithrun asked.

Cithis smiled. “Nothing.”

Mithrun kept his gaze on the ocean and Cithis left without another word.

---

Kabru came out to find Mithrun when the sun was setting. “Have you been out here all day, Captain? It’s dinnertime,” Kabru said, holding out his hand.

Mithrun got up on his own. There was a flash of something across Kabru’s face—displeasure? Disappointment? Mithrun found it out of character. That wasn’t how Kabru looked at him.

What Mithrun had of Kabru was scattered memories through a hazy glass, like a telescope covered in gauze. Hundreds of small kindnesses that Mithrun couldn’t even name. The feeling of Kabru’s hands in his hair, on his wrist, at the small of his back, around him in the dungeon, where Kabru had sobbed against his neck.

Mithrun tilted his head up to meet Kabru’s clear blue eyes and found that he had nothing to say. He couldn’t tell Kabru, “I’d never seen you before you told me that you wanted me.” Fear had unstoppered Mithrun’s heart, laid bare his terror of not being wanted, a meal forever unfinished and left for the flies. Mithrun had been torn from his decades-long sleep with Kabru’s lips on his own and three delicious words on Kabru’s tongue.

Kabru started to reach behind him for Mithrun’s hand as they made their way back to the inn when the crowd separated them. Mithrun teleported to a clear spot instead of taking Kabru’s hand.

“Captain, please don’t teleport in town,” Kabru said. “You could hurt someone.”

Mithrun went into the inn. He overheard Kabru muttering as he tried to follow, constantly being cut off by people milling around.

“What happened?” Kabru asked, when he finally caught up.

“What do you get out of taking care of me?”

Kabru looked surprised. “You’re my captain—it’s my job.”

“You don’t have to be the only one doing it.”

“The Canaries told me—”

“You’re not a Canary. You only follow my orders, not Pattadol’s or the criminals’. Answer my question.”

Kabru’s eyes searched the room. “Is this because I kissed you in the dungeon?”

“Don’t distract me.”

Mithrun remembered something about other people in that moment. He grabbed hold of Kabru’s shirt and started pulling him towards his room. What Kabru wouldn’t say in public he might say in private. Mithrun closed the door after Kabru crossed the threshold, and waited.

“You told me that you wanted me,” Mithrun said, crossing his arms.

“I was trying to help.”

“Did you mean it?”

Kabru hung his head. When Mithrun searched through the cloudy glass of his memories, he’d never seen Kabru look so defeated. Kabru seemed to be silently counting down something before he spoke.

“I’ll leave the Canaries,” Kabru said. “I’ll go to the Island. I should’ve gone to be with my own race a while ago.”

Cithis had said that Mithrun couldn’t love Kabru back. And now, Kabru wouldn’t answer Mithrun’s question.

“Are you leaving me?” Mithrun asked.

“Shouldn’t I?” Kabru said. “I did mean what I said in the dungeon. I can’t be with the Canaries anymore if that’s how I feel—it’s too painful. You’re too painful, and you’ll never understand why.”

The room suddenly seemed too small and Kabru’s feelings were too big. Mithrun walked forward, resting his hand on Kabru’s chest, hoping it was enough to keep him from running away.

“Captain, what are you—”

Mithrun pressed his finger to Kabru’s lips. He needed silence. Did Mithrun want Kabru merely because Kabru wanted him? Was he so desperate? Mithrun probably was. But Kabru was complicated, he thought, as he ran his fingers along the line of Kabru’s jaw and traced his cheekbones. Kabru gripped Mithrun’s hand to hold him in place.

Memories of Kabru flooded Mithrun’s mind. Over a year’s worth. Had Mithrun known Kabru before the demon, somehow met him at one of Milsiril’s parties, Mithrun would’ve been curious. He certainly would’ve flirted, though he’d think himself too good for Kabru to take it further. Mithrun had been such a fool. Kabru had proven himself, over and over again, to be an observational genius, and kind beyond measure.

What Kabru had observed in Mithrun to care so much, Mithrun couldn’t guess. But Mithrun had dozens of reasons for his chest to hurt if Kabru left him behind.

Mithrun went on his tiptoes to press his mouth to Kabru’s. He felt a thrill he hadn’t known in so long, like a current drumming through his body. Kabru clutched at Mithrun’s arms in obvious surprise. If Kabru pushed Mithrun away, because he didn’t trust Mithrun to love him or because he was a short-life, Mithrun knew he’d become dead again.

Kabru didn’t. He tangled his fingers in Mithrun’s hair and wrapped one arm around Mithrun’s waist, leaving no space between their bodies. Mithrun moaned and licked Kabru’s lips. Kabru’s breathing quickened before he tightened his hold on Mithrun’s hair and thrust his tongue past Mithrun’s lips. It was overwhelming; Mithrun felt weak. He wanted this moment to last, to remember it.

“Mithrun,” Kabru murmured. “I want more than this.”

“Then I’ll take you to bed,” Mithrun said, unbuckling Kabru’s belt and letting it fall to the floor.  

Getting to the bed was harder than it should’ve been. Mithrun was already halfway through pulling Kabru’s shirt over his head when he’d spoken. Kabru picked Mithrun up by his thighs to stumble towards the bed, laying him down with his typical gentleness. Mithrun yanked Kabru’s trousers and underwear down. His eyes were drawn to Kabru’s cock, already fully hard just from the kiss.

“You’ve got me naked, now help me with your armor,” Kabru said.

Mithrun wrapped his fingers around Kabru’s cock instead. Briefly, Kabru shut his eyes in pleasure. His fingers clumsily went to the laces of the band of armor around Mithrun’s neck. Mithrun reluctantly had to stay still for Kabru to take off the rest, but Kabru was quick with it; Kabru knew Canary armor as well as the Canaries.

“What do you like?” Kabru asked, stroking a scar by Mithrun’s hip. This close, Kabru’s blue eyes were even more striking, framed by heavy, dark lashes.

Mithrun held back from answering with an unhelpful “everything.” He’d gotten a lot of experience before the demon, hiding insecurities behind lovers. “I want you to take me.”

That was the right answer, because Kabru dipped his head to kiss Mithrun deeply again. His hands felt reverent as he stroked Mithrun’s thighs and slowly spread them open.

“Do you know any lubrication—” Mithrun started to ask, before he felt a slick finger between his legs.

“It’s a very useful spell,” Kabru said.

Mithrun squirmed underneath Kabru as he was fingered, the feeling of invasion now unfamiliar to him.

“Does it hurt?” Kabru asked.

“It’s just been a while,” Mithrun replied, panting when Kabru rubbed the right spot inside him. “Keep doing that.” He started lazily touching himself.

“What if you come early?” Kabru tapped Mithrun’s hand with his fingers, as if he might try to interrupt.

“Then you can fuck me until I’m hard again.”

“Mithrun,” Kabru said, as if now that he wasn’t calling Mithrun ‘Captain’ he couldn’t stop saying his name. Mithrun liked hearing it.

Kabru leaned over, briefly kissing Mithrun on the mouth before his lips drifted lower. He bit Mithrun on the shoulder, making Mithrun moan before he licked his nipple.

“I don’t need any more prep,” Mithrun said.

“I should make you wait,” Kabru replied smugly, a brief, genuine grin on his face. Mithrun felt a pang of jealousy, wondering how many of Kabru’s other lovers had seen that expression.

Then, Kabru was lifting Mithrun’s legs so he could angle himself inside.

“I’m not a virgin,” Mithrun said when Kabru started slow. Kabru’s cock felt huge, too much for him after decades without, but he wouldn’t let Kabru know that.

“You just want it to hurt,” Kabru replied.

If Mithrun still had the presence of mind to protest, he would’ve. But Kabru was halfway inside now, stretching Mithrun even further. Kabru soon bottomed out. Mithrun felt close to satisfied, full as Kabru pumped his hips, as if he could somehow go deeper.

“Get on your back,” Mithrun said.

“Why?” Kabru replied, a hint of petulance in his tone. So, he behaved spoiled during sex.

Mithrun would have to soothe him. He pet Kabru’s sides, kissed his forehead, whispered how good he made him feel in his ear, and stealthily came closer to pushing him over. When Mithrun finally wound up on top of Kabru, Kabru looked at him like it’d been his own idea to switch positions. Mithrun arched his back and rolled his hips to take Kabru as deeply as he could.

“You feel so good like this,” Mithrun said.

Kabru’s hands were on Mithrun’s thighs again, his fingers digging into Mithrun’s skin when Mithrun started to move. Mithrun wanted Kabru to feel good and like no one could ever compare. So, Mithrun rode Kabru desperately, trying to bring Kabru to climax first.

It wasn’t working. Kabru had to steady Mithrun’s hips as Mithrun came closer to the edge, fucking into him with more coordination than Mithrun had. Mithrun had simply gone too long without any sort of touch, not just from others, but also himself. He was starting to shake and whine, increasingly helpless in Kabru’s hands.

“It’s OK to come,” Kabru said. “Let go and I’ll follow.”

Mithrun gritted his teeth, trying not to do as Kabru asked. Kabru looked affectionate and lost all at once. Mithrun was doing that, bringing a softness to Kabru’s eyes. He lost his rhythm completely and yielded to Kabru’s hands as he came, nearly sobbing at the intensity of it. Kabru gasped only a few moments later and his hips soon stilled. He sat up, tugging Mithrun into a tight embrace.

“Don’t be over,” Kabru said.

“Why would it be over?”

Kabru nuzzled Mithrun’s neck. “it’s too good to be true.”

Mithrun pinched him.

“Ow!”

“There, you’re not dreaming.”

“I should let you clean off the mess,” Kabru muttered, relaxing his hold and pulling out. “Get a rag or something.”

Mithrun ran his hand down Kabru’s stomach, then reached between his own legs.

“You did not just teleport our come,” Kabru said.

“Why not, were you planning on using it for something?”

“Where’d it even go?” Kabru sighed. “I’m not going to think about it.”

Kabru lay back, seeming relaxed and happy. Mithrun didn’t want to say anything to make that look fade. He kept quiet as he curled at Kabru’s side. Silence could only shield them from what had happened for so long, though.

As usual, Kabru spoke first. “We didn’t actually finish our conversation.”

Mithrun lifted his head so he could meet Kabru’s eyes. “I didn’t like it.”

“You don’t get to like everything you talk about,” Kabru replied, though he had a slight smile.

“Go ahead, then.”

“Do you care about me, Captain?”

Mithrun frowned. Had he not just shown he cared? Well—sex could be meaningless, sometimes.

“You don’t have to call me ‘Captain’ when I’m naked. ‘Mithrun’ is better.”

Kabru brushed the back of his hand against Mithrun’s arm before reaching up to stroke Mithrun’s hair. Mithrun had gone and ruined the happy look on Kabru’s face, as he’d expected.

“I do care about you,” Mithrun said, feeling like he was chewing around nails. “But I can’t promise I’ll be good at it. I’m still not well.”

“I don’t mind.”

“Then you have what’s left of me.”

Kabru cradled Mithrun’s face in his hands as he leaned forward for a slow kiss. Mithrun hadn’t been this content since his first years in the dungeon.

There was only one matter left that couldn’t be avoided. Mithrun carefully broke the kiss, allowing himself a few moments to tease Kabru’s curls before he spoke again.

“If we’re lovers, I don’t want to be your captain anymore,” Mithrun said. At Kabru’s panicked look, Mithrun quickly added, “That doesn’t mean changing everything. You can still travel with the Canaries, but not under my orders. You’re an independent agent now.”

Kabru grinned. “Did I just get promoted for sleeping with my boss?”

“I’m not your boss anymore.”

“What will the Canaries think of us?” Kabru asked.

“You know them better than I do.”

Kabru leaned on his elbow. “Pattadol will be scandalized, Otta will think you and her have something in common now, Fleki will find it funny, Lycion will sulk, and Cithis will feel like she’s always right.”

“None of that’s serious. We’ll have other problems.”

“This is going to be hard,” Kabru muttered, rubbing his temples.

“Yes, and today is probably the easiest it’ll ever be.” Mithrun glanced away, wondering if he could bring himself to tell Kabru that they didn’t need to try if he didn’t want the trouble.

“You’re worth it,” Kabru said.

Mithrun smiled, holding the words close to his heart.

Notes:

thanks go out to e.c. for brainrotting so much with me because we've made each other so much more ill about kabumisu

anyway! you can always bug me on twitter @ sathindetection

Notes:

Find me on Twitter or Bluesky @ sathindetection.