Chapter Text
You messed up.
That's something that you could say about a lot of things, but this was a new and fun kind of mess up. Haha, that's a joke. This was anything but fun! This was the worst!
For the past few days, you had been hanging out with everyone at the clocktower. There had been mild discussions about leaving Dormont and going to reunite Bonnie with their sister, but you had been so weak after using your craft too much. (And then you really overdid it when you fought Loop but they didn't know that!). You were pretty much bed-bound for the first couple days after beating the King, but today you had been up and about, chatting with your family and smiling, smiling, smiling!
You were doing such a good job of pretending that you are normal now. You were listening and almost always paying attention to what everyone was saying. Nothing was wrong with you and you were certain no one noticed how you reached for your dagger any time you felt overwhelmed.
Unfortunately it seems you weren't hiding things as well as you thought you were. Tonight, after Bonnie had fallen asleep, everyone else asked you for a chat. A chat? That felt ominous.
(You knew you couldn't get away with not saying anything about what happened forever!~)
Outside, the dark and cloudy skies above hiding any stars, everyone had gathered around a fire that Isabeau had made. The warmth of it washed over you, but you felt the perfect temperature anyway, thanks to your cloak.
“I made some hot chocolate!” Mirabelle handed you a cup as she sat next to you at the fire. Isabeau was on your other side, while Odile was across from you. Everyone was smiling, but you felt tension running through the air like a thick miasma.
“Thanks.” You took the mug. You like hot chocolate! Or anything chocolate, really. Had you told Mirabelle that? You didn't remember, honestly. You decided not to think about it and took a sip. Delicious! You flapped your hand in utter delight.
“So. Siffrin.” Odile interrupted your drink enjoyment. “Do you think you can talk about the loops with all of us?”
“What loops?” You smile innocently. “I don't remember anything like that happening! You must be a little loopy!”
“Very funny, but I think we need a serious conversation.” Odile wasn't smirking. Typically she tried to hide how funny she thought your puns were by smirking to the side. She wasn't in a joking mood then?
Of course she wasn't in a joking mood. Read the atmosphere.
What did they expect you to say about the loops anyway? Did they want you to talk about how you failed so hard so many times? About how you manipulated them all? About how you hated breaking out of the loops because now you had to face the consequences of what you had done?
(You wanted to run away! Not that you could do that you coward!)
“...” You didn't say anything.
“How about a question then.” Odile was holding her notebook and she pointed her pen at you. “How many loops did you go through, Siffrin?”
Your eye twitched. “I wasn't counting.”
“How about an estimate then?” Odile asked.
This felt like an interrogation. Everyone was looking at you. You hated this. You wished you could disappear.
Your hand twitched towards your dagger but you pulled yourself back and took a sip of your hot chocolate.
“Over fifty.” You answered, looking at your hot chocolate, swirling in the mug. You could see a faint imprint of your lips from where you had taken a sip. You didn't want to think about the loops, but you had kept count. 132. You didn't remember each individual loop, but you had counted each time you woke up, so you knew that number was accurate.
Odile tapped her pen against the paper. “So for over one hundred days you were looping?”
Isabeau and Mirabelle both gasped at that number. Oh no! You said a number too high! That was too alarming! You needed to backtrack! You shook your head, “Not every loop went the entire two days. Some were only a couple of hours long. It wasn't that bad.”
“Only a couple of hours?” Mirabelle pursed her lips. “Siffrin, can I ask you exactly how you looped? Could you do it whenever you wanted or was it just when you died?”
She knew you looped by dying. Had you told her? You probably did. You couldn't remember. “Er. I either looped back when I died or when I talked to the Head Housemaiden after we beat the King.”
“Okay.” Mirabelle looked towards the fire. Did that answer her question? She looked more concerned than before, but didn't she already know about you dying? Did confirming it make it worse? You should've lied. Oh stars, she was asking you something else, pay attention, don't zone out! “-loop in the village?”
You didn't quite catch that, but you assumed she was asking how you looped when you were in Dormont. “I slipped on the banana peel.”
You didn't like bananas anymore. You felt sick thinking about it.
Odile looked towards you. “Slipping doesn't usually kill you.”
“That banana is really slippery! Besides, it wasn't just the slipping. Usually I bashed my head on a rock when I fell.”
Oh. Wrong answer. They all looked horrified. Isabeau was on the verge of tears. You should've lied and said you could loop whenever you wanted! You need to loop back and fix this!
You reached for your dagger-
No! Can't loop! Stupid!
“Siffrin.” Odile was talking to you now. She didn't notice you reaching for your dagger. Thank goodness. “So, you killed yourself in the House as well? When you wanted to loop?”
You shrugged. “I sometimes used the tears. When I froze myself, that let me loop. I only sometimes killed myself.”
“You really killed yourself?” Isabeau was taking deep breaths, just like you do. In and out. In and out.
You are upsetting everyone! Stop upsetting them!
Did they not like that you might’ve hurt yourself? You should reassure them!
“Yeah! Don't worry! I figured out a way to kill myself really quickly.” You pulled your dagger from your pocket and held it against your neck. “If I cut right here I'll die in only a couple minutes…”
You stopped talking and looked at your family. Why was everyone looking at you like that? They looked completely horrified, their eyes wide, mouths open, Isabeau was crying.
You didn't really get it, you were just showing them how you used your dagger? Was that really more shocking than slipping on the banana peel?
Odile was the first to speak, standing and holding her hand out to you. “Siffrin. Please give me the dagger.”
The dagger? Why? Was there something strange about your dagger? Did she want to make sure it was sharp? It was really sharp! You handed it over without a fuss.
Everyone let out a long breath as Odile sat back down, her hands on your precious dagger.
“What?” You asked, your eyebrows furrowed. “Why are you upset?”
“Siffrin.” Mirabelle reached over, taking your hand that wasn't holding the hot chocolate. “Do you know where you are? What you are doing?”
“Huh?” You could feel the heat of the fire and hear the snapping of the wood. You knew exactly what you were doing, you were sitting with your family around the fire! “Yes?”
“Sif.” Isabeau placed a hand on your shoulder, his eyes still teary and his voice shaking. “You held the knife to your throat.”
He was touching you?
No! More important things were happening.
You didn't think! You didn't realize what you were doing for a moment! Of course your family would freak out if you held your dagger to your throat. Were you stupid? You might be stupid.
“Sorry!” You smiled big to show how alright you are. “I wasn't trying to hurt myself. Can I have my dagger back now?”
“No.” Odile frowned and pulled out her bag. She placed the dagger inside, “Siffrin, I don't think it's a good idea for you to have anything sharp. You might hurt yourself without realizing what you are doing.”
“I won't!” You wanted to get up, grab your dagger and run, but Isabeau actually had a rather strong grip on your shoulder. Not painful, but uncomfortable. You might be able to slip away and steal back your dagger, but it would be better if you got it back by talking. “I made a little mistake. It won't happen again, I promise. Can I have my dagger back?”
“Why do you need your dagger so badly?” Odile asked.
Answer:
- “I need to keep the option for suicide open.
- “I was going to self-harm and I need something sharp.”
- “...”
You couldn't say those things! Those weren't normal things that a perfectly normal person would say!
You remained silent as you stared at the flickering fire. If you said anything your family would know how broken you are! They'd find out! You're hardly even human anymore! You are a monster.
They can't find out. They just can't.
It felt like your stomach was twisting into knots.
Odile cleared her throat. “Siffrin. We all want to help you through this. You went through something very traumatic that none of us can understand, but we know it must've been really hard on you. We want to help you get better, but we need to know what's wrong. Can you talk more about why you need your dagger?”
“I'll tell you if you give it back?” You chuckled under your breath. “Please…”
You sounded desperate. You are desperate. What kind of person is so desperate for something like a dagger?
Stars, they had every right to be concerned.
“You aren't getting it back right now.” Odile was stern and firm.
“Right…” You felt so sick. You needed it. You needed that dagger so badly. You needed to at least have the option of ending it if you had to. But you can't say something like that. “I need it in case something attacks us.”
“Nothing is going to attack us.” Isabeau took another deep breath. “The Sadness left when the King was frozen. We don't have to fight anymore.”
“You're really strong now, right?” Mirabelle squeezed your hand. “You can protect us with craft if anything else happens.”
“Oh.” A part of you hated that they had said that. What other excuse could you ever use? You needed that dagger. You needed it!
For a long time now, even before you joined Mirabelle's group, (maybe even before you came to Vaugarde?) you had been hurting yourself. You tended to cut yourself when you felt too overwhelmed or lost or any number of things. Things you were feeling right now. But you couldn't hurt yourself! Odile took your only means of relief!
You were utterly trapped. They wouldn't understand that you needed the option to kill yourself or hurt yourself. They couldn't understand something like that. Those aren't normal things.
You have never been normal.
You just wanted your dagger back.
Your chest heaved as a tear slipped down your cheek. You weren't getting your dagger back. Asking for it more than what you had already done would just make them more worried. Be. Normal. Stop crying over a blinding dagger and act normal!
Your voice wouldn't stop shaking. “O-okay. Odile. Please. Keep. My. Dagger. I…”
You hated this, you hated yourself for giving in. You didn't have a choice though. Between not having the knife or your family seeing you as the monster you are, you decided to not have your dagger.
Stupid.
“It'll be okay!” Mirabelle tightly held your hand. “You're doing the right thing.”
“Yeah Sif!” Isabeau leaned against you, putting his arm over your shoulder in a half-hug. “We're proud of you.”
Isabeau was so warm. You must've made the right choice if he was touching you.
You still wanted your dagger back.
“Yes, you're making the right choice.” Odile finally smiled at you. “We can talk about returning the dagger once you are doing better. For now, I think we should get some rest. Isabeau and I will put out the fire, you two head inside.”
No more talking? You knew they must have more questions. You hardly answered anything. Haha, well maybe they judged you too ~unstable~ to talk.
They'd make you talk again. You should think up lies now so you don't upset them. The sooner they thought you were normal the sooner you could get your dagger back.
You stood up, going inside with Mirabelle, the smell of the campfire lingering on your skin. It was comforting, it reminded you of when you traveled here with everyone. Oh. Wait. Mirabelle was talking to you. “Siffrin, you know I'm always here to talk if you need me! Feelings buddies.”
“Yeah. Thanks, feelings buddy.” You smiled at her. She seemed pleased.
“Here, I'll take your mug. Why don't you head upstairs?” Mirabelle took your now slightly cold hot chocolate. It still tasted good as you gulped down one last sip. She headed for the kitchen, mugs in hand.
Oh. The kitchen. You should check back there later tonight when everyone's asleep! There might be a knife you could borrow.
You got ready for bed, feeling a little better now.
It took awhile for Isabeau and Odile to join you in the bedroom. Isabeau laid down next to you. His eyes were a little puffy from crying, but he seemed to be in better spirits.
(He'd be so much better if you hadn't worried him!)
“Sif.” Isabeau whispered to you. “Would it be alright if we, um, if we held hands?”
He wanted to hold hands? You thought he might try to talk more about what happened. This was way better than that! You felt your face burning. Oh stars. He wanted to touch you? Even after what you had done? You couldn't answer, you hid your face in your pillow, nodded, and reached out for his hand. You felt his hand wrap around yours.
True bliss.
Maybe you hadn't messed up as badly as you thought? Not if it led to this.
You close your eyes and pretend to sleep, waiting for the others to all fall asleep.