Chapter Text
I never believed that one day, I will be standing there. Empty and unable to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Once a fierce soul which never seemed to dim the light somehow burned out. No passion, no desire or need.
I just existed, witnessing the time go by, day by day, month by month, year by year. Just a distant witness of the life lived by those who dared to experience it.
Maybe if the time was right, maybe if the world would not be so cruel, maybe if the people would be kinder. Always some kind of maybe lingered in my mind. Maybe then I would be there with them, living the life that was meant to be lived by me.
Yet there I was, sitting on the edge of a cliff, where our temple was located. The morning ceremony was over and till lunch I was supposed to be scrubbing the floors in the south part of the temple. The right word is supposed. There was no force strong enough in this world to force me back there.
The high priestess ment it well, I'm sure of it, after all she believed that trauma should be faced and not avoided. It's easier for her to say when it's not her facing it.
Instead of doing my duty, I ran to hide in my favorite hiding place till the lunch ceremonies began. It was a rather shit place to hide, everyone knew about it and if any of the high priestesses would desire to confront me about neglecting my duties, they could simply cross the main clearing in front of the entrance gates and come to this cliff, where evening service was held during autumn.
Starting far into the world, witnesses the day go and let the gloom eat my will to live away. So far it worked wonders, as the gloom scared even the worst of memories away. It worked way better than scrubbing the floors with mind bored to death so much that it welcomed the dark memories with open arms just to distract itself.
"This can't go on Kaela," the voice of the high priestess who had my group under her wings echoed through the afternoon air, which was getting chillier.
I kept my silence, not even raising my eyes to look at her, there was no reason to do so. She will give me lectures about facing my fears, breaking them, showing them that I'm stronger than them. That what didn't kill me surely made me stronger.
That statement was wrong in so many places.
How I wish it did killed me. Spared me of living in the aftermath of all of that. Constant pain, fear and resignation. Living long enough to see the shell of the person I used to be.
No, it might not kill me, but it made me weaker, not stronger.
Hence the silence which became so familiar to me, that I didn't even remember how my own voice sounds. Since that cursed night, not a sound came out of me.
"You are fading away my girl, I can't bear to simply watch as you let those barbaric monsters win in the end," her voice was coloured with concern, as anyone else who was cursed to watch over me.
I would prefer to just be left alone to be lost freely. Let the pain and negative feelings consume me completely, sparing me in the end from this endless cycle of living as a survivor.
'What of it, if they win, it will be my win as well.'
I thought bitterly and my fingers started to pick on the dead skin on my thumb.
"Our High Lord is back and he prepared a safe place for girls like you," her voice was now way more careful, gentler than before, as if this fact could break me.
What was left there to be broken?
I didn't look at her, nor acknowledged that I heard her. It was not my choice to be made after all. If she thought it was the right thing to do, then I will be sending there as it's her who has me in her care.
The sting in my heart was even worse as I looked in front of me at the beautiful view in front of me that I will soon be robbed of. Even the last bits of normalcy will be taken away from me.
"This is Morrigan, she will accompany you on your way there, you are leaving now," the high priestess suddenly sounded determined, stating her final command towards me. "It's for your own good my girl."
As if. It's likely she grew sick of having my sulking presence bring gloom to her temple. My temple. Neglecting my duties and showing up only at the services and ceremonies. It was lasting way too long for her to tolerate, that's for sure.
It was long even for me.
"Hello there Kaela, I'm Morrigan," the unknown voice said from behind me, but I was unable to turn and look at her.
The need to savor as much of my view as possible was keeping me way too busy.
"We can depart as soon as you are ready," she added with a light, easy voice, forcing me to sigh.
What's the point in waiting? What's the point in savoring the last bits of the view when it won't solve anything? It will be better to just keep going and have this over with, so I can get some time alone and keep my brooding game high enough to keep the demons on bait.
I stood up, turning around to face the two females who were awkwardly standing there, looking at me. It should be me who is awkward, not them, but I was way too tired to even care to feel embarrassed by the lack of will to live.
Morrigan was beautiful, dressed in crimson red pants and blouse, her golden blonde hair looking perfectly combed and well cared for. The aura around her was welcoming and warm. No danger coming from her at all.
"We can go then?" She asked, extending her long, lean arm into the air, her nail painted by the same shade of red as her clothes. Probably her favorite color then?
I just walked towards her, not accepting her hand, simply there was not enough strength in me to even lift my arm, and I stopped beside her, ready for her to swoosh me away. I'm sure she can winnow, because if she were to climb all those stairs to reach our temple, she wouldn't look this perfectly put together.
Morrigan just smiled, not discouraged at all by my attitude and she took my hand with surprisingly gentle touch and with a swift swoosh, we left my temple, my home, my battlefield and my grave.