Chapter Text
Chapter One
...
Evan Buckley sat on the edge of his bed, nervously tapping his foot against the wooden floor. The familiar hum of his parents' voices floated up from the kitchen. He took a deep breath and let it out slowly, trying to ease the dread that filled his stomach. It couldn’t be his grades; he had all B’s. He hadn’t even gotten a conduct card mark in over a year.
"Evan, can you come downstairs for a minute?" his mother's voice called throughout the house, brittle with emotion.
With a sigh, Evan stood and made his way down the staircase, each step feeling heavier than the last. As he entered the kitchen, he saw his parents seated at the dining room table, their faces etched with familiar worry. His father’s eyes were scanning over insurance claims, medical reports, and bills that filled the dining room table. The sight made Evan’s stomach churn.
"Sit down, Evan," his father said, gesturing to the empty chair across from them.
Evan’s eyes darted around the room, half hoping Daniel was home from medical school. Or that Maddie was visiting from Boston. Hell, he’d settle for old Miss Marshall across the street. Anything to pull his parents' attention away from him, and their general disapproval of him.
He took a few steps towards the table, the tension in the room making him scratch the back of his neck as he had to will his feet to the floor, fighting his desire to flee.
"Evan," his mother began, her voice shaky, making his stomach turn acidic, "we need to talk to you. Daniel..."
At the mention of his older brother's name, Evan's pulse quickened. Daniel had been sick for as long as he could remember, their lives a constant cycle of hospital visits and medical procedures. Evan knew where this conversation was headed, but he desperately wished he was wrong.
"Daniel's kidneys are failing, which we’ve all known was a possibility since the liver transplant," his father said, his voice barely above a whisper.
The words hung in the air, heavy and suffocating.
"Evan, we know this is a lot to ask – given everything," his mother continued, reaching out to grasp his hand. "But you've always been his perfect match. You're his best chance."
Panic surged through Evan like a tidal wave. Memories of his last surgery flashed before his eyes – the sterile smell of the operating room, the cold, clinical faces of the doctors, the unbearable pain, waking up in the ICU unable to breathe. The suffocating fear. He had been twelve then, a scared boy trying to be the hero his big brother needed. Now, at sixteen, the fear was still there, stronger than ever.
"I... I can't," Evan stammered, his voice cracking. "I can't do it again. I just made varsity. I’m a starter. I’ve worked so hard.” He stood up abruptly. “There’s talk of scholarships.”
His parents' faces hardened, their worry morphing into anger and disappointment. His father slammed his hand on the table, making the papers jump.
"Do you hear yourself, Evan?" his father spat, his voice rising. "Your brother's life is at stake for fuck's sake, and you're talking about a god damn scholarship?"
Evan's mother’s eyes filled with tears, but her expression was stern. "We thought you understood, Evan. This isn't just about you. Daniel needs you. We need you."
The weight of their words crashed down on Evan, suffocating him. He wanted to scream, to run, to disappear. Instead, he just stood there, feeling more alone and misunderstood. “It’s not just about basketball,” he ground out. He looked between them, a flush of anger filling him. Didn’t he matter? “What if I don’t survive this time?” he demanded of them. Maybe his life really didn’t compare to Daniel's.
Daniel was the scholar, the gifted medical student. He was polite, kind, compassionate, and never selfish.
His parents exchanged a pained look, his mother's eyes filling with tears.
"Evan, we would never ask you to do something that would put you in danger," his father stated, voice filled with detached assurance. "But Daniel – the longer we wait, the weaker he’ll be. The doctors have assured us that this procedure is less risky than the last one. We know about your allergy."
Evan shook his head, the room spinning around him. "I can't... I can't go through that again. I almost died last time."
He hated the tears that fell down his mother’s face. "Evan, we understand how you feel. You've been through so much already. But Daniel... he needs you. You're his hope – he’ll be healthy again. You’ll all go on to live long healthy lives."
The weight of their words crushed him, a suffocating pressure that made it hard to breathe. Evan looked at his parents, their faces a mirror of his own fear and desperation.
His father's face hardened, anger flashing in his eyes. "Evan, this isn't just about you. Daniel's life is on the line. Do you understand that?"
Evan recoiled as if he'd been slapped, his father's harsh tone cutting through him. "But I nearly died!" he gritted out. "Why does it always have to be me? Why can't someone else do it?"
"Evan, you're his match," his mother said, her voice strained with frustration. "You know that."
"But I don't want to die!" Evan snapped, stepping away from the table, his face red. "I can't do it again. I just can't. Put him on the transplant list – and if there are no matches in six months, I’ll do it."
His father's fists clenched, his face a mask of fury. "Stop being selfish, Evan. This is your brother we're talking about. Your brother! How can you even think about refusing?"
Evan's heart pounded in his chest, the panic rising to a fever pitch. He looked at his mother, pleading with his eyes for some understanding, some compassion.
"Please, Mom," he whispered, his voice breaking. "Please don't make me do this."
Her expression softened for a moment, but then she steeled herself, her eyes hardening. "Evan, we don't have a choice. Daniel doesn't have a choice. You have to do this. You just have to be brave, one more time."
The words crushed him, the weight of their expectations pressing down on him until he could barely breathe. He looked from his mother to his father. His heart ached. Why didn’t he matter?
"I can't," he whispered, barely audible. "I just can't."
His father caught him by the wrist, jerking him to a halt. "You will do this, Evan. You don't have a choice. Do you understand me?"
Evan's world spun around him, the fear and panic threatening to swallow him whole. He wanted to run, to escape, to find someplace where he could breathe, but there was nowhere to go. Nowhere to hide.
All he could do was nod through the terror.
Evan's days blurred together in the weeks following the conversation. His grades slipped into the low seventies, and a string of tardies and detentions followed the argument leading up to the surgery. Evan stared blankly at the wall as the team went over the procedure. He nodded sullenly from time to time. His heart rate raced across the monitor as they prepped him.
Evan laid back against the hospital bed, staring at the ceiling. He could hear his parents talking to the doctors outside his room, their voices a mixture of hope and fear. He tried to shut it out, to focus on anything but what was about to happen.
The nurses and doctor entered with warm smiles. "You’re a real hero, kid," his doctor praised him, giving his shoulder a proud squeeze. “Everyone around here is talking about you.”
Evan frowned deeply, unable to speak past the bitterness. He closed his eyes as the anesthesia mask was placed over his face, and as he breathed in, he felt the world slipping away.
When Evan woke up, the pain was immediate and intense. His body felt heavy, and his mind was foggy from the anesthesia. He blinked against the harsh light, trying to make sense of where he was.
His parents were there, hovering over him, their faces filled with a mixture of relief and worry.
"How are you feeling, Evan?" his mother asked, her voice soft.
Evan tried to speak, but his throat was dry, and the words wouldn't come. His father handed him a cup of water, and he sipped it, feeling the cool liquid soothe his parched throat.
"You did great, son," his father said, a rare smile on his face. "Daniel's going to be just fine."
Evan nodded weakly, “Go away,” he murmured as he pushed his mother’s hand away. He turned his head from them, the effort of staying awake overwhelming. He closed his eyes, the exhaustion pulling him back unconscious.
Days passed in a blur of pain and medication. Evan's recovery was slow, much slower than his brother's, each movement sending sharp pain through his body.
Daniel, for his part, seemed to be bouncing back quickly. He was up and moving around, the color returning to his cheeks. He came to visit Evan often, his gratitude evident in his eyes, but Evan couldn't help but feel a pang of bitterness.
Daniel sat beside Evan's bed; his expression serious.
"Evan," he began, squeezing his brother’s wrist, "Fuck man, just thank you."
Evan looked at his brother, the words he'd been holding for weeks spilled out, "I can't do this anymore, Daniel," he said, his voice quiet with anger and regret. "I've given you my stem cells, my bone marrow, a piece of my liver, and now a kidney. I want you to have all the health and happiness in life, but I can’t do this again.”
Daniel's face fell, guilt and sadness washing over him. "Ev, I never wanted you to go through any of this. Fuck, Bubs, I hate that you've had to suffer because of me."
Evan shook his head. "It's not just about you being sick. God knows I am fucking relieved it worked. It's about me. I don’t think I’ll survive another surgery like this.” He explained, forcing a grin and burying the harsher memories – the unsettling truths he had come to realize. That he didn’t matter to his parents. That he was – spare parts.
Daniel reached out, placing a hand on Evan's shoulder. "Okay." He agreed with easiness, an acceptance that Evan couldn’t quite believe.
Evan looked away, the bitterness and sadness overwhelming him.
Daniel squeezed his shoulder gently, “Rest – I’ll see you for physio.”
Evan closed his eyes, the tears slipping down his cheeks. He wanted to believe Daniel, but the pain and betrayal were too fresh, too raw. All he could do was hope that one day he would find a way to feel whole again. He never wanted his brother to find out he had been forced to give away a piece of himself.
In the months that followed, Evan's recovery was slow and painful. The resentment festered, and Evan found himself pulling away, retreating into himself.
He brushed away any attempts his parents made. Their efforts left him hollow; their words felt empty. Every praise he overheard at church or a barbecue only seemed to deepen the wound.
The pain from the surgery lingered, a complication from the procedure, a constant reminder of what he'd gone through. Physical therapy sessions were grueling, but he pushed through. He turned his attention to his grades and recovery, his focus settling on graduation and the freedom it would bring him.
It wasn’t until past the one-year mark that the aches finally melted away.
As Evan's eighteenth birthday approached, the tension in the house seemed to ease. His sister arrived at their family’s lake house with a grin. She hugged him tight; he buried his face into her shoulder.
He watched his siblings tease each other; he grinned as they pulled him between them. “Happy Birthday, baby brother.”
He laughed, pulling back. “You don’t get to be grumpy today. Mom and Dad, they’ve meeting with the HOA until noon. So, that means, Maddie is making your favorite breakfast. Mickey Mouse pancakes.” Daniel nudged his shoulder as their older sister headed into the house. She had always been the one that made Evan feel the most seen.
They were quiet, both lost in thought as they stared out at the water. They were welcomed into the house by the scent of pancakes. Evan grinned as he settled at the counter, watching Maddie at the stove, flipping pancakes with practiced ease.
Daniel slid a smoothie his way, the atmosphere light and filled with laughter. He’d occasionally groan as his siblings reminisced over his childhood, combing over his most embarrassing stories. He sipped his blueberry smoothie with a grin; it was a rare moment of happiness.
After breakfast, Maddie led him outside, a mischievous glint in her eyes. "I have something for you," she said, her excitement shining in her warm brown eyes.
Evan followed her, curious. They walked to the driveway, where her shiny black Jeep sat parked, adorned with a big red bow. Evan's eyes widened in surprise.
"Maddie, is this...?" he began, his voice trailing off in disbelief.
"It's yours," she confirmed, handing him the keys. "Happy birthday and congratulations on graduating. I know you didn’t want us making a big deal, but it's been a tough couple of years, and you deserve this."
Evan's heart swelled. He looked at Maddie, his gratitude written across his face. "Maddie.”
She pulled him into a tight hug. "You are going to do great things, Ev.”
As he climbed into the driver's seat of the Jeep, he felt a sense of freedom and possibility. With a deep breath, he started the engine, the roar of the Jeep filling the air. He looked over at Maddie, who gave him an encouraging nod.
"What are you waiting for?" Daniel teased, jumping into the back, “Drive.”
He pulled out of the driveway. They spent the day driving around the lakeside town, stopping at their favorite spots. He looked between them, “In June, I’m going to Texas. I’m going to work on a ranch to save up some money for university.”
Maddie laughed, “Oh yeah, gonna play cowboy?”
“Yeah.” He just shrugged. “I haven’t told our parents, and I don’t plan on it. Once I’m out, I’m out, guys.” He confessed the secret he had carried around for months.
Daniel just shook his head, “Evan...” At his brother’s firm frown, he sighed and changed the subject, “Any idea on a major?”
“Probably, science, or – I don’t really know, but probably science. I’m good with facts.”
Evan tugged his shirt off, “Last one in the water has to buy ice cream.”
Evan leaned his head against Maddie’s as they stared into the firepit as the stars twinkled overhead. They were quiet, soaking in the comfort of the other after the rest of their family had long gone to bed.
“You could come with me,” Evan whispered. “You’re a nurse. You could work anywhere. Me and you – against the world, right?”
Maddie smiled, “Yeah?”
“You want to leave him, you do. I’ll pick you up in August, we’ll get an apartment in Gainesville. There’s a nice hospital near the University of Florida. We could make it work, Mads.”
His sister stared into his eyes, reading his earnest expression. The hope, the excitement, the desperation for her to pick him.
“Okay.” She nodded, holding up her pinky. She laughed softly as he wrapped his around hers and they shook on it.
Evan’s skin buzzed with anticipation as he prepared to pick up Maddie from Boston’s Children’s Hospital. He had spent the summer under the hot Texas sun, learning to ride horses and fix fences. He had saved up enough money for them to start their lives in Gainesville.
He parked his Jeep and walked into the bustling hospital. He made his way to the nurse's station where Maddie worked, looking around for a familiar face.
A nurse approached him, her expression curious. "Can I help you?" she asked.
"Yeah, I'm here for Maddie Kendall.”
The nurse's eyes softened with sympathy. "Maddie asked me to give you this," she said, handing him a folded piece of paper.
Evan's heart sank as he took the note.
Evan,
I'm so sorry. I can't do it. I thought I could, but I can't run away. I can't leave everything behind. I'm scared, and I don't want to make things worse. Please understand, it's not because of you. You're the best brother anyone could ask for, but I have to face this on my own.
Take care of yourself, Evan. Find your own path. You're stronger than you know.
Love, Maddie
Evan stared at the note, his vision blurring with tears. The crushing weight of disappointment and heartbreak threatened to overwhelm him. He had been so sure that Maddie would choose to come with him, to escape their troubled lives together. But now, he was left feeling unlovable and wrong.
The nurse placed a gentle hand on his shoulder. "I'm sorry, Evan. Maddie cares about you a lot. She just needs to figure things out for herself."
Evan nodded numbly, unable to speak. He crumpled the note in his hand, the pain and betrayal too fresh, too raw. He turned and walked out of the hospital, his footsteps heavy with anger and heartbreak. The bright afternoon sun seemed to mock his despair as he climbed back into his Jeep.
He sat there for a moment, staring at the steering wheel, trying to gather his thoughts. With a deep breath and a heavy sigh, Evan cranked the engine and squealed out of the parking lot.