Chapter 1: Searchin' in the Dark
Notes:
Ladies and gents, this is the moment you've waited for.
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Remus’ lips trembled as he clutched onto his mother’s hand, the sight of her bedsheets blurring through his tears. Hope’s other hand was caressing his hair, but he could not meet her eyes. He squeezed his eyes shut as tightly as he could and pushed his face into the thin floral comforter, inhaling the faint scent of lavender coated in musk. Hope had not left her bed in weeks and desperately needed to be bathed, but Remus didn’t care. All he cared about was being close to her.
“Darling, please– oh, I know, but please, can you look at me?”
He just couldn’t do it. Remus could not meet her eyes, because all he knew was that she was leaving him. Why? Why would she leave, when he had done nothing but his best for her? He had tried his best to be kind, and helpful, he had, even if he did forget to do his chores sometimes. Why was she leaving him?
Tears finally spilled onto his cheeks as he looked up to her.
“There you are, my darling moon,” she told him, her blue eyes meeting brown. “I need you to listen to me, okay?” Her voice was trembling dangerously, but her hands stayed strong. Moving the hand that was atop his head to his cheek, she continued, “I love you, Remus. I always will. Can you promise me that you can remember that?”
Remus nodded and shook his hand from Hope’s grip. He gripped the edges of her bedsheets and attempted to pull himself up onto the bed, biting his lip and blinking fiercely when his shin scraped against the edge of the bed frame. He leaned back to make sure he wasn’t bleeding when he felt large hands on his waist and looked up to see Lyall lifting him onto the bed. His father placed a kiss on his forehead and reached over Remus, lifting the edge of Hope’s bedsheets. Remus crawled under the blanket and curled up, tucked into the warmth of his mother’s side.
“You’re only six, my little moon, and you have so much life ahead of you. Just remember to carry my love with you no matter where you go,” she told him, burying her nose in his hair.
Remus suddenly picked his head up. “Mam, will I ever see you again?” he asked her, looking back down to trace her arm with his little fingers. He couldn’t bear to look her in the face for too long.
Hope let out a shaky sigh and pulled Remus closer. “Of course, you will, my love. Each night, I want you to go outside and look for the moon, and then I want you to watch as the clouds pass over it. That’s me watching over you, okay?” Her voice broke, and Remus looked up at her once more. He hated to see his mother cry. “Every time the clouds and the moon touch, it’s the sky’s way of telling you that we will meet again.”
Remus wrapped his arms around her the best he could. “I’ll look every night, Mam, I promise. You’ll always look too, right?”
Hope let out a small chuckle and nodded to her son. “Look there,” she told him, pointing up to a cloud approaching the moon. “I’ll be right there every single night, and I’ll see the same moon and cloud that you will be looking to. I’ll look down on you and blow you a kiss, and I’ll always sing you Suo Gan. Make sure you listen, because it will be hard to hear when I’m so far away.” She leaned down and pressed a kiss to his forehead, but Remus’ eyes were already drifting closed.
“Okay Mam, I’ll make sure to listen,” Remus told her, rubbing his eyes and settling further into the blankets. His eyes drifted shut, and he reveled in the soft scent of lavender and the warmth of his mother’s side. He finally fell asleep, exhausted from his own emotions, feeling safe at Hope’s side.
When he awoke, he was alone in the bed, surrounded by the stale scent of lavender and a cold dent in the mattress where his mother had died.
—
“We just can’t make it happen, Crouch, I’m sorry– No, I’m out of work at the moment.” Remus pressed his ear further against the door, urging his poor hearing not to fail him this time around. He needed to hear what his father was speaking about.
“Tailoring? Yes, that could work, I’ve got some experience… we start when? Oh, but that’s so soon!”
Remus turned his back to the door to listen more comfortably. His knees had always given him trouble and leaning against the door the way that he had been wasn’t good for his joints. He unconsciously tuned out his father’s conversation and contemplated what a new job would be like. He knew he and his father were poor, they had been struggling to get by financially since losing his mother four years prior. Despite being a minimal improvement from what they were facing currently, the salary she had as a teacher and his father’s government work was just enough to get them by. However, with his father recently losing his job, Remus had now resorted to doing odd jobs for the neighbors. Tailoring didn’t sound too bad, but Remus wasn’t too sure about how long this job would last.
The door opened behind him, and Remus threw his hands out to prevent himself from falling backward. Ignoring the twinge in his left wrist, he looked up at his father, smiling sheepishly. Lyall raised his eyebrows at him from where he was standing in the doorway, his stern look melting into something much softer. He leaned down to help Remus up, aware that his son’s joints didn’t support him well.
“So,” Remus began, wiping a bit of dust from the floor that had collected on his hands off by rubbing them on his trousers. “Tailoring? Where will we be?”
Lyall nodded thoughtfully, scratching his beard and squinting his eyes. “I spoke to Crouch– my old boss, you may remember him. He’s got a son about your age.” Remus nodded quickly at this, able to vaguely picture the rambunctious boy from old work parties he had attended with his father. He had always been fascinated by the boy’s boldness. Lyall continued, “He’s put us up with a rich family he’s connected with. The Black family, incredibly rich, incredibly fancy.”
Lyall’s face shifted to something more serious, and he kneeled to look Remus in the eyes, and Remus acknowledged that this meant that his father had something much more important to tell him. This made him nervous, as he was unsure of what more Lyall could have to say on the matter.
“Remus, I don’t want you to be upset when I tell you this, okay?”
Okay, now Remus was really nervous. What could be so upsetting? Lyall brushed his fingers through Remus’ hair, as Hope had always done when he was a child.
“We’re going to be moving into a home on their property.”
Remus shook his head, reaching up to push his father’s hand away. No, that couldn’t be right. They had a perfectly good home right where they were. He had been in his home since he was born, and every corner carried memories from Remus’ childhood. There were marks in the doorframe to track Remus’ height, scratches across the floor from the old dog they had when he was an infant, and knitted blankets lying across the couch that Hope had made when she had only recently fallen ill.
Rubbing his temples, Remus eyed the hole in the toe of his shoes. He couldn’t meet his father’s eyes. It was something he had always struggled with. He cleared his throat before asking, in a soft voice, “Are you sure we have to?” His father took his hands from his temples, urging him to look into his eyes. He nodded, looking sadly at his son.
“They want us there by the end of the week. We start packing tonight. I think this will be good for us, okay? They have two boys, both close to your age. It might be a good chance for you to make some friends.”
The end of the week? It was already Wednesday. That wasn’t enough time. Remus didn’t think he needed any more friends, as Marlene was a perfectly fine friend to have, but he understood that the interaction with other kids might be nice. He just hoped they weren’t too posh.
He nodded anyway and pulled his hands from his father’s grip, dragging his feet towards his room. The old wooden door creaked as he pulled it open, and he flicked on the lamp in his room as he entered. It wasn’t like he had much to pack, but he was dreading it anyway. He lowered himself to his knees, cringing as he hit the floor with a pang, and he reached under his bed for various cloth bags that he had been storing there. He dragged as many as he could over to his wooden dresser, dropping a few from his arms on the steps over. Standing up straight, he slid his hand along the edge of the dresser, collecting dust on his fingertips. His father had built it for him, but he was sure he wouldn’t be able to take it to the Black’s property. It didn’t quite seem like they were the type of people to want an old, dusty dresser in their big, fancy house.
Biting his lip to ignore the stinging in his eyes, he pulled open the top drawer. He grabbed one of the smaller bags, a white one with blue flowers sewn into it, and started to haphazardly shove pairs of socks and underwear into the bag. Most of them were slightly small and a little threadbare, but he didn’t mind. Once he finished, he lifted another bag – a soft pink one – and opened his shirt drawer to transfer his sweaters.
Remus attempted to move these more carefully, as it would be easier to fit them into the bag if they stayed folded. He had an abundance of sweaters, and once he reached the sixth thick sweater, he realized he’d likely need another bag to fit everything in.
The next half hour of packing went by in a blur, Remus’ movements becoming repetitive and boring. He didn’t stop shoving clothes and keepsakes into bags until his father’s voice broke through his trance, calling him down for dinner. He poked his head out of his door and smelled the faint aroma of simple pasta with meat sauce. He flipped off the lamp as he left his room, gently pulling the door behind him.
Dinner was quiet. The only noise in the kitchen was the slurping of noodles and Remus’ feet knocking against the rungs of his chair. Both Remus and Lyall were considering what their future would look like, neither with very much optimism.
—
Remus did not feel as if he was allowed to touch anything in the home that they were assigned within Grimmauld Place. It was quaint, meant to be servant’s quarters, but each item within the living space must have cost more money than he had ever possessed. His bed was fancy, but it was incredibly stiff, doing terrible things for Remus’ already terrible joints. His father had told him to take time to settle in, but he was having trouble feeling particularly settled in the house that he was in. The only things that made it look like he lived there were his clothes in the dresser and his drawing from Marlene – with the too-big bracelet she had made with it – on the bedside table. Five bags that had been mostly emptied were strewn throughout the room, a soft pink one being placed on top of the bed. Remus had hauled it up there to pull a sweater out of it to put on before he went up to the Black manor for the evening.
The worst part of their new home was the lack of noise. Remus had grown up on a busy street in Bristol, his mother having been from a town just north of there in Southern Wales, and his father not having moved from within the city. He was used to the hustle and bustle of city life, the chirping of birds, the yelling of pedestrians, and the barking of dogs. Out here, it was almost silent. Grimmauld Place was a large plot of land in South London, and it was not far from civil life, but the plot was large enough that being near the manor meant being far away from people. Remus was uncomfortable with the idea of being so isolated, but he didn’t have the option to leave Grimmauld Place.
It had been three days before Remus was even allowed to enter the Black family manor. When he stepped in the front door, after walking for almost ten minutes just to get up there, he was immediately handed a secondary pair of shoes by an old, hobbling butler and instructed to change out of the ones he was currently wearing. He moved through the home – no, this didn’t feel like a home. He moved through the manor carefully, as if one misstep would cause a grave accident. Stepping through double doors into a room with plush couches and a grand fireplace, he caught a glimpse of gray eyes and a head of short curls peering at him around the entrance on the far end of the lounge.
He shuffled toward the door to see if he could spot the boy again but was prevented from moving forward by a hand on his shoulder. Looking up, he met his father’s eyes, who shook his head and gently urged Remus back to his side.
Suddenly, a man with broad shoulders and graying hair entered the room and gave Remus, who was hurrying back to stand next to his father, a look of disgust. Lyall reached out as if to shake hands with the man, who only scrunched his nose at him.
“You must be Lupin. Crouch hadn’t made me aware you were bringing a brat with you,” he told the two, not even looking at Remus. Remus opened his mouth to retort but quickly shut it when Lyall’s hand on his shoulder gave a firm squeeze.
“I suppose that is fine, just don’t allow him near my sons. I would not want him tainting them.” Remus pulled a face at this but quickly fixed it in order to not offend him. “I am Orion Black, Master of the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black. As hired help, you shall refer to me only as Master Black. My eldest son and I require new coats for a banquet in three days, so we shall begin right away.”
Remus sat quietly on one of the chairs in the lounge, watching his father take measurements, make notes, and compare fabric. His father’s work lost his focus after a while, and he began admiring the shelves of fancy objects and books lining the walls. It wasn’t until his father cleared his throat that he resumed watching the tailoring process. Lyall stepped over towards him, reaching for another pen.
“Watch,” he whispered, leaning towards Remus. “You may need to do this yourself and I want you to be prepared.” Remus nodded, focusing his attention back on his father and Master Black, who was now almost finished with the plans for his coat.
“Father, I’ve arrived for my fitting.” Remus whipped his head around towards the voice, his attention suddenly caught by another boy arriving through the door behind him. Remus could only stare at the boy standing there. His eyes were blue, the same shade as his mother’s but far icier, and much too stern to ever resemble Hope’s. His dark, curly hair fell just above his shoulders, and he simply looked indescribably pretty . Remus was in awe. He studied the boy for a few seconds before he glanced towards Remus, his eyes widening slightly at the sight of him. They only held eye contact for a few seconds before he straightened himself out and fixed his eyes ahead as if Remus wasn’t there. Remus scrunched his eyebrows, slightly disappointed with losing the boy’s attention.
“Sirius, come here. This is Lupin, and he will be fitting you for the banquet. Be polite to our guests please,” Master Black was gesturing for the boy – Sirius – to come towards him, and Sirius went to stand by his side. Remus jumped slightly when a firm hand shot out to grip Sirius’ shoulder, almost vice-like, and Master Black leaned forward to whisper something in his ear. Sirius glanced Remus’ way quickly before looking towards his father once more.
Remus was enraptured by this boy. He thought the name Sirius suited him, being the brightest star in the whole sky. Sirius was nothing short of dazzlingly bright. During the entire fitting, Remus was fixated. Sirius kept glancing towards him and quickly averting his eyes when he realized Remus was looking.
When the fitting was over, the old butler who had given him new shoes earlier quickly ushered him and his father towards the front door, and his father chuckled and mumbled something about “not overstaying our welcome.”
When Remus reached the main entrance, he was handed his old shoes and quickly leaned over to switch out the ones he was wearing. When he stood he almost fell backward out of surprise, as there was a pair of blue eyes only inches from his face.
“Your name, what would your name be?” Sirius asked him.
“Remus,” he told him, holding out his hand in the way his father had shown him to be polite. “Remus Lupin.”
Sirius’ eyes widened when he took Remus’ hand to shake it. “You’re like the moon,” he whispered, tilting his head slightly. “And I’m like the stars. I think that’s so cool, don’t you?”
Sirius was leaning closer to Remus, almost uncomfortably so, when his name was suddenly called from further down the foyer. A fierce-looking woman was standing in the doorway, and began shouting something along the lines of, “What did your father tell you!”
Sirius’ eyes slid shut, almost out of disappointment, and he mouthed, “I’m sorry.” An apologetic look crossed his face when he opened his eyes once more. Remus furrowed his eyebrows with confusion before being pushed, nearly shoved, away from Sirius, hard enough to have to regain his balance, who then turned and walked towards the woman, head held high.
It was already dark out when they stepped outside the Black Manor, but he didn’t mind. Remus had always loved being under the cloak of darkness. He couldn’t understand what exactly had happened, or why Sirius had done that, but he did understand that he went back to their living quarters with a newfound energy in his step.
The clouds had passed, and the night sky was clear. The moon had finally met the stars.
Notes:
Word Count: 3,190
So that's the first chapter! I sincerely hope it lived up to your expectations. This is my formal notes app apology for literally opening the fic with 6-year-old Remus experiencing Hope's death. I'm going to be completely honest, I don't really know how to write chapter notes, so I'm winging it here. I also tend to write super dialogue-heavy, so I'm trying my best not to rely on it too much.
We're already seeing some familiar faces! Remus, naturally, Sirius, a glimpse of Regulus, and even a mention of Marlene and Barty. Don't worry, they'll be back.
If you'd like to chat with me, see my stupid rambles, or keep up with chapter suggestions/extras (like threads and playlists), I hope you'll follow my twitter, @nyxanachronism :) I can't make any promises on a consistent upload schedule yet, but I'll see you soon!
Chapter 2: All That Was Real
Chapter Text
Remus kicked his legs excitedly from his seat at the kitchen table. He knew it was childish, but he didn’t care. He was going to see Sirius today.
“Remus,” his father called from shortly ahead, standing in the doorway. “I need you to behave today. You’re not meant to be friends with him.” The look in Lyall’s eyes was sad, but Remus wasn’t upset. No one could tell him otherwise, Sirius was his friend.
The two boys had come up with an almost secret code of sorts, one of glances and smiles and small gestures so they could communicate without Sirius getting into any sort of trouble.
The walk across the garden to the manor felt terribly long, and Remus constantly had to slow to allow his father to catch up with him. Finally reaching the house, Remus slipped on the nicer pair of shoes the butler – Kreacher, he now knew – handed to him. He was greeted with the sound of footsteps headed his way, and looked up to lock eyes with a grinning Sirius. The harsh sound of heels clacking against the floor cut through Sirius’ footsteps, and both of them froze.
“Sirius! Teishi! Tu ne dois pas lui parler,” the woman scolded, grabbing his arm.
Sirius looked down, shame written across his face. His icy eyes gazed toward the floor, and Remus matched him in an attempt to avoid the stern woman’s anger. Without a sound, Remus followed his father into the parlor to do another round of measurements. When Sirius did not follow, he slipped his hand back into his pocket, hiding the bracelet he had made for the boy.
Instead, when he entered, he was met with the sight of another child. This is the boy I saw on my first day here , Remus acknowledged. He hadn’t seen the boy with the short curls and gray eyes since then. He was noticeably shorter than Sirius, with softer cheeks and sunken eyes. He was pretty as well, but he had a coldness to his gaze that Remus didn’t appreciate.
“Regulus,” Master Black began, “say hello to our guests.”
“Good morning,” Regulus greeted with a curt nod and a slight French accent. “I am Regulus Black, the youngest of the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black. I require a new coat, I’ve recently grown out of my nicest one.”
More posh than Sirius , Remus thought, pulling a sour face. He took his usual seat in the plush chair by the fire when finally , Sirius entered. Remus’ face instantly split into a grin, before his face fell, noticing the red mark across Sirius’ cheek.
He spent the next twenty minutes or so subtly (and not-so) pulling faces to attempt to get a smile out of Sirius, who was in the corner taking a lesson on tea drinking. Who needs lessons on how to drink something? So far he had failed, but it suddenly occurred to him that he could simply mock Sirius’ lesson. He picked up a small bowl and dumped the pins from it, attaching the handle and placing a piece of cloth inside. He raised it to his lips, holding eye contact with Sirius, and sucked the cloth from inside. He almost choked, and he spotted Sirius spitting his drink out from the corner of his eye. Oops. That wasn’t the reaction he wanted.
“Sirius Orion, come here,” Master Black called to him, not even turning to look. Sirius walked with his head held high towards his father, and Remus admired the lack of fear he seemed to show towards the stern voice. Remus, despite being focused on Sirius, caught Regulus shake his head out of the corner of his eye.
“Your shirt,” Master Black began. “Is this how we’ve taught you to behave?”
Before Sirius could respond, Remus interjected without thought.
“It was my fault- sir, please, don’t be angry with him.” Why did I do that? Why, why, why? And yet, he continued, “I made him laugh.”
A sting. The resounding sound of a hand against his face. He didn’t even see it coming, stepping back to clutch his cheek. Looking up, he saw Sirius rush towards him when a harsh hand gripped his arm.
“You will not go near him,” he addressed Sirius, before turning towards Remus. “And you, you will stay away from my son.” He turned and marched off with Sirius still pulled to his side, leaving Remus and Regulus with Lyall.
“I’m sorry,” Regulus whispered, not meeting Remus’ eyes. “I’ll take care of him. I promise.” With that, he briskly turned and walked after his father and brother, leaving Remus behind once more.
–
Remus was perched on the edge of a river on the Black family property, watching the sun set across the slim creek. He tensed, hearing footsteps behind him. After a moment, his whole body relaxed as Sirius sat down beside him.
“How did you get out?” He asked him, turning so his knees were touching Sirius’.
Sirius shrugged. “It wasn’t hard, just went out the window. Reggie is covering for me.” He paused for a moment, and Remus desperately wished Sirius would look at him. “Father is sending me to a private boarding school,” he finished.
Remus swore his heart stopped at that moment. Weeks of finally making a new friend, a friend he adored, and now he was leaving? How was that fair?
Sirius finally met Remus’ eyes, and Remus could see the tears brimming in the corners. “I have to leave you and Reggie behind.”
Remus took a deep breath, contemplating before replying. “I do. There’s a whole world out there, just waiting for me.” He grabbed Sirius’ hand, guiding him to point toward the setting sun. “Can you see it? A world just for us. One that we design.”
The tears were streaming down Sirius’ face now, and Remus pulled the boy into his chest. He just held him, wrapping his arms around Sirius’ shoulders as they began to shake with sobs. They would be okay.
–
Remus and Sirius spent the last few summer months together, sneaking around. They had found an old mansion, not far from Sirius’ manor, and had begun to explore it together every evening as daylight fell. It was on one of these days that Sirius asked Remus, “how do you do it? How do you keep going?”
They were sitting together in one of the rooms of the old manor, simply staring at the wonders of the room. Sirius’ head was perched on Remus’ shoulder, and he was distraught at the thought of having to leave for school soon. Remus didn’t know how to reassure him that’d it all be alright, so he did the one thing he didn’t know how to do. He talked about his feelings.
“Every night, when I’m lying in bed, I simply dream. Bright colors, wonderful worlds, one for just us. A million dreams, just for the world we’re going to make.”
Sirius shifted so his head was lying in Remus’ lap as he spoke, looking up to him in wonder. “You really think it’ll all be okay? That we’ll have a world of our own?”
Remus met his eyes with a small smile. “Of course we will.” Bringing his hands down to squish Sirius’ cheeks, he told him, “We can even bring Regulus with us.”
Sirius’ face lit up, and Remus knew his smile was the reason he would build this world for them.
–
It was early September, and the temperature had already begun to drop on the grounds of Grimmauld Place. Remus was carrying a pile of fabric, arms sagging and shoulders creaking under the weight. He had barely made it out the front door of the manor, regular shoes back on his feet, when he saw a carriage pulling out of the grounds.
Sirius , he realized. Sirius was leaving .
He dropped his fabric and began to run, calling out the boy’s name as he left. He couldn’t lose him, not now.
The carriage kept moving, and Remus kept running until his sides hurt and his lungs were aching. He had lost him. Sirius was gone.
Notes:
Word Count: 1,354
Sooo this chapter is a little bit shorter, that’s my bad. I’m deeply sorry for waiting so long to upload this! Senior year started kicking my butt and I lost motivation until December. I hope to keep up the motivation and continue spitting out chapters for a bit!
Translations:
“Teishi!”/停止 : “Stop!”
“Tu ne dois pas lui parler” : “You must not speak to him.”I speak minimal French and Japanese, so I'm hoping the translations of each are accurate throughout this!
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