Chapter Text
April
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Have you ever felt like the whole world was fighting against you?
No matter what you do, how kind or helpful you are to others, none of it can ever be enough to get some good karma.
The universe or God, hell maybe even just fate itself.
It was all actively and successfully working in sync to make Izuku's life a living hell that he could never escape.
Having his childhood best friend, his only friend, bully him for years wasn’t enough. Being born quirkless in a quirk runned society wasn’t enough. Finally getting a quirk at 14 and having it break and mangle his body over and over again wasn’t enough?
All of Izuku’s pain and suffering that he fought through, and when he finally thought he could catch a break, a war broke out. After having to fight in a war that he had no reason to be involved in at his age and winning the damn thing regardless. When he finally thought things were looking his way and his next two years in school was just the start of his happiness. Izuku was hit by the hard cold truth that it was all for nothing.
Fate, whoever they may be, just couldn’t stop playing with his string and they fucked everything up and cut his just too motherfucking short.
“I’m sorry, can you repeat that?” Izuku sat in the doctor's office, arm wrapped up and tucked away in a sling.
Izuku's brain, for the first time since he was born maybe, was working too slow trying to process this new information. He’d just dislocated his shoulder when trying to catch a villain and he didn’t even feel it honestly. Another hero just pointed out his dangling arm and off he went to the closest hospital to get it popped back in and wrapped up.
Apparently, it was not just an easy one, two and sent on his way visit he thought it was. The nurse did make quick work of his shoulder and popped it in before sending a burst of warm energy through his body to speed up the healing process she said. Her quirk couldn’t fix it right away but sped up the healing that by itself could take weeks, to just being extremely sore for a few days.They actually had him get a full body X-ray and a CT scan just to make sure no other injuries were going unnoticed in his adrenaline rush.
“We found an abnormal growth of cells in your frontal lobe.”
Izuku stares past the doctor at the board behind him with his scans clipped up. The close up image of his brain does indeed show a blob in the front of his head. He reaches up his working arm and rubs on his forehead where the tumor would be at.
No matter how doctorly his doctor says it, that’s what this all means, he has a brain tumor.
“Now there are steps we need to take to figure out what type of tumor this is and how we move forward in treating this.” Izuku stares at the image while the doctor talks and he doesn’t really blink until the doctor finally has enough and rips the image off the screen behind him. “Depending on whether it’s malignant or benign will mean a lot in how we treat—“
“But my arm is okay, right?” Izuku pushes back on his chair and stands up, “When will I be able to move it without pain?”
The doctor blinks at him and starts to say, “Mr. Midoriya, I really think—“
“Please don’t call me that, Izuku is fine.”
“Izuku, then. Please just sit down and we can talk—“
“My arm first? When will it be better?”
The doctor sighs, “Give it about a week before you do anything too strenuous.”
Izuku nods in appreciation and pushes the seat back in. “Thanks doctor. Since my arm is all healed up, am I good to go?”
The doctor looks at him and Izuku can feel the disapproving stare. He knows why, he knows but Izuku can’t even wrap his head around all this. He’s fine.
He feels fine and looks fine.
There is nothing wrong with him, except apparently there is and Izuku just can’t do this right now.
His doctor must see his urge to just run away. “I know this is hard to accept, since there was no notice beforehand and no symptoms. The second you feel anything out of the ordinary, migraines, extreme nausea or fatigue, vomi—“ Izuku opens his mouth to cut in, to get him to just stop but the doctor glares and stands up from his seat. “Izuku, I’m serious. Migraines, extreme nausea or fatigue, vomiting, blurred vision or slurred speech, or a seizure. If any one of these things happen or you just don’t feel well, you have to come back and get the tests done. This isn’t a request, Izuku. If you ignore any symptom that could mean the difference between beating this and surviving or forcing your family into planning an early funeral.”
The doctor gave Izuku a business card with his contact information and with that Izuku was allowed to leave the office and he didn’t look back. What was he meant to do with this information? He’s dying or he might die? Maybe it’s all just a crazy joke that the universe was playing on him. Someone’s gonna show up and laugh at him because he almost actually believed it and Izuku can move on with his life. If this was a joke, some mean cruel joke, Izuku wouldn’t even be mad. He just needs someone to tell him ‘Hey you don’t actually have cancer it’s just a prank’ and Izuku is ready to thank them. Even though they made him think he was gonna…but he’s not and that’s enough for him.
He’s not.
He’s not.
Izuku is not going to just die because something in his body, in his brain, just decided to let some cells grow where they're not supposed to. After everything, after all he’s fucking been though this is not how…
This is not how he goes.
Izuku fucking Midoriya does not have cancer.
“Damn it,” Izuku whispered softly. He must have been more lost in his head than he realized because the sun was going down and he had wandered into a mostly empty looking park.
None of it mattered though. The day passing by and him not going back to the dorms, the few people walking down the cobblestone path. None of it meant anything to Izuku after all this time and all his struggles.
All his wasted energy.
“Damn it!” Izuku yelled, he couldn’t hold it all in and let his emotions burst out violently as he turned to his side and poured an overwhelming amount of power into his hand and punched the tree next to him.
“Why! Why me? What the fuck did I do?”
The tree splintered apart at the force, chucks of the bark flying everywhere as the trees behind it were forcefully knocked over, roots ripping from the ground as the trees toppled over.
At the sight of the destruction, Izuku suddenly felt all the fight he had and all the anger he had been building up just leave his body in a quick succession. He was left feeling worn out and the exhaustion left his legs feeling like jelly. He stumbled over to the destroyed trees and slumped down on the grass floor, leaning back on the exposed roots that were now the new base of the tree.
Izuku covered his face with his hands.¨Damn it.¨ His voice cracked. ¨Damn it, damn it, damn it, damn it. What should I do? What am I gonna do?¨ Izuku pressed his hands harder into his face, the heels of his hands digging into his eyes.
All his life Izuku has lived up to his crybaby nickname. On any occasion he’d be the first to cry. He cried when he got his U.A. letter and first opened it. When he told Kacchan about his powers for the first time. When All Might's career publicly ended and when Kacchan was almost killed in the war. He’d cry and cry until his face was red and his cheeks were forever stained in tears.
Now though? When he's at his wits end and his whole world as he knows it has been changed forever. Not a single damn tear can form.
Izuku rubs his dry eyes roughly and when he finally relents he opens his eyes and leans back against the tree roots. The sun already set along with any warmth it held. He wrapped his arms around his waist and just let himself be.
He knows he’s going to have to deal with this. He knows.
Just…not yet. Not right now.
Right now, Izuku is going to look up at the night sky and all the pretty glittery stars that he could never really see at the dorms.
He still has time, maybe not as much as he thought he’ll have, but still.
Later when he finally settles down he’ll think and plan and do what he has to do to prepare.
Right now?
He’s watching the sky.
_______________
It's well past ten o’clock when Izuku finally makes it back to the dorms.
He wanted to just sneak in without alarming anyone and just curl up in his bed. His bed sounded so welcoming right now.
Soft shuffles of a pair of socked footsteps headed his way.
“Izuku?”
Izuku froze by the front door, his back was to the common space as he tried to silently take his shoes off. There was no going back now. He placed his shoes neatly in the cupboard by the door and turned around to face whoever was still awake.
“Are you just coming back now? It's been hours, I thought you were already asleep in your room.” Shouto stood just a few steps away from Izuku. He had a steaming cup of tea in his hands and a blanket thrown over his shoulders.
“Hey, yeah, sorry about that. What are you still doing awake? I thought everyone would have been asleep by now.”
Shouto stood in front of Izuku silently for a moment, head tilted to the side. If Izuku was being frank the longer they stood there in silence the more nervous he got. It's not like he was doing anything wrong he had nothing to worry about.
Izuku broke eye contact first, staring off to the side and nervously scratching the base of his hair. Shouto decided to break the silence and speak up then, “It's Friday. We always have Friday movie nights.”
Izuku blinked, “Oh, right. I’d completely forgotten it was Friday. I've had such a long day. What movie are we watching?” Izuku started to walk towards the couches and see who else was up. Shouto fell into step with him as he made his way.
“We’re watching some old hero movies from the pre-quirks era.”
Izuku gasps,”You're joking? I love those movies! Which one? Oh my god Shouto, why didn't you text me? I would have been here.” Izuku hit his arm lightly and Shouto’s eyes widened when his tea started to slosh around in his cup from the sudden movement.
“I thought you were sleeping.”
Izuku ignored his comment and bounced over to the couches, “Oh my god, you're watching Wonder Woman? I loved this movie.”
Only a small group of the class are sitting around yet all the seats are filled up, everyone looks over at Izuku and a few waves before they turn back to the movie playing.
“Oh hey, Midobro.” Kirishima leaned his arm over the back of the couch and tossed his head back to look at Izuku. “Did you just come from outside? It's past ten already.”
Izuku walked around the couch and threw himself into the cushion beside Kirishima. He sighed loudly and curled his legs in. “Yeah, I had a long day.”
Shouto walked over and pulled the pillow from behind Izuku. He threw it to the floor and sat in front of Izuku's legs. Izuku went to stand up because he clearly stole his seat but Shouto just waved him away and leaned back on Izuku's legs. “I heard you went to the hospital earlier after the villain encounter.”
Izuku looked at Kirishima, “Yeah, just dislocated my arm so I had to get that fixed.”
“And you're good now?” Shouto leaned his head back on Izuku's knee as he spoke.
“Oh yeah, they said that I'll be sore for a few days and to not do anything too strenuous.”
“Did you tell them that you're you and that's literally an impossible thing to ask?” Kaminari pipes up from the other side of Kirishima.
Izuku leaned over to look at him, “Haha, very funny. I went to the hospital at least. I could have just banged my arm against something and snapped it into place.”
Kirishima gives him a look of horror, “Bro. Just no.”
Izuku laughs and leans back into the couch, “It wasn't that bad.”
“You mean like your arm wasn't that bad or you've done that before and it wasn't that bad?” Ashido spoke from her place on the other side of Kaminari. She was holding a bowl of popcorn curled in her arms with her legs thrown over Kaminari’s lap, a blanket covering both them and Kirishima.
Izuku gave the blanket a little tug and Kirishima pulled some of the blanket out from under him to lay it on Izuku. He curled up under his share of the honestly huge blanket and snuggled a little into Kirishima's side.
“You decide.” She laughed at Izuku’s words.
While the movie played in the background Izuku realized just how easy it was being with his friends. Easy to forget why he really was coming back so late. To forget that heavy feeling in his heart and let it fall away with light banter and shared blankets. To spend his time like this with Kirishima’s arm wrapped over his shoulder and Shouto’s head leaning against his legs. With Kaminari and Ashido quietly whispering on the other side and the popcorn bowl being passed down to him. Sero lying on the other couch with his head on Jirou’s lap as she plays with his hair. Yaoyorozu and Hagakure cuddled up on another couch while Tokoyami lay on the floor in front of them.
This bond that they didn't even have a few months ago. It was built with literal blood, sweat and tears through a war but they did it. They made it to the other side and now they have each other.
They made it to the other side of an actual war.
And Izuku was only seventeen.
“Fuck,” Izuku whispered under his breathe so low that through the action of the movie no one heard it. Of all the times to start crying now was a really bad time. This was the absolute worst time for it to be hitting him. Fuck him. Why now? He'd had all the time in the world earlier to cry and let it out. He felt his breathing starting to pick up a little.
This was so unfair.
What had he done to deserve this?
Maybe if someone explains his bad karma and told him ‘this is why this is happening to you’ he would get it. He could accept it. Accept that his death is for a reason. That his death will be happening because of something and that means it's not a useless, sad, pitiful death. That when he dies it won't be because his body has decided that not giving him a quirk isn't gonna be the worst thing it's ever done to him. When he dies it won't be because his body has betrayed him like this.
Cause that's insane.
His body.
Betraying him.
Izuku tries to let out a quiet breath to release some of the tension he's holding in, but it comes out shaky. He feels breathless sitting here. Like all the oxygen was sucked out of the room and no one noticed but him.
No one is scared but him.
I'm going to die?
This nice easy feeling of being with his friends. Being curled up in a warm blanket surrounded by people who love him and who he loves back just as deeply.
It's suffocating.
He needs to get out of here.
Izuku clears his throat and moves around under the blanket. He sits up straight, hopefully not too suddenly and stretches his arms out, faking a yawn for added effect.
“H-hey guys, I think imma call it a night. I keep dozing off and I don't wanna end up with a stiff neck in the morning. I've had that one too many times falling asleep on these couches. Haha.”
Izuku pushes the blanket to the side and lets it bundle up next to an already asleep Kirishima. He glances around and sees Shouto also sleeping on the floor. A few others are dozing off as well. Kaminari looks up from his phone and grins, “Night mido.” Ashido waves at him with a smile and Izuku takes this as his que to go to his room.
Quickly run to his room actually.
He hops over Shouto and makes his way to the elevators at a reasonable pace in order not to spook anyone or give away the fact that he's actually going to cry his eyes out and maybe throw up while he's at it.
He feels faint. Like all the blood has left his face and he's left with this feeling of lightheadedness, nausea and just overall shit.
Is this what the symptoms will feel like?
Are these the symptoms his doctor was talking about? No, it's too early. He just found out.
He just found out.
Holy shit.
How far along is the growth of the tumor? He didn't ask but is he supposed to be feeling symptoms so early? Is it early anymore?
Izuku was well past hyperventilation by now and was just gonna pass out on the floor before the elevator even opened.
While he's at it might as well just crack his head open on the floor and die now.
Because nothing matters anymore.
Not his dream of being a hero. Not his goals. Not his life.
Izuku smiles at the thought. His life. He feels tears build up in the corners of his eyes and he just laughs. Once he started, Izuku found it hard to stop.
Holy shit.
His life.
That definitely doesn't matter anymore.
The tears build up from his laughter start falling down his cheeks in steady streams and he's starting to let out small gasps of breath. The elevator doors open and Izuku walks in. His legs feel weak like he can't even hold himself up and his stomach hurts. Once he's made it to his floor and he has his room door closed behind him Izuku feels the hysterical laughter fade as he looks at the empty quietness of his room.
It doesn't feel as funny anymore.
His door clicked lock with a sort of finality. The tears don’t even get a chance to be wiped away before new fresh tears start to fall down. Fresh tears that have Izuku weak in his knees. Tears that feel like the world is falling down on top of him and he's being crushed to death under the weight of it all.
Tears turn into soul crushing sobs that Izuku can't hold back. All he can do is make his way over to his bed and curl around his pillow and just cry silently at the unfairness of it all.