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A simple action can cause a big change. Something as impactful as turning back time, even more so. Yuder could see the way his decisions made the events that he knew from his first life turn out differently.
But it couldn’t be compared to experiencing it firsthand.
“Next, from the Shin Division, Gakane Bolunwald, and Yuder Aile.”
It was a confirmation that the future he knew was changing.
None of the members chosen for the Red Stone retrieval mission were the same. Last time he was disappointed that he wasn’t chosen, but now he wanted to prevent the spreading of the knowledge that Kishiar was the owner of the Divine Sword.
That’s how he found himself back in Airic, trying to move the stone.
It was not an easy feat, as proven by their first unsuccessful attempt after which the cavalry members went to their lodgings to rest, like Yuder, as one of the people taking the most crucial part in it should have, but when the sun went down, he left to clear his head and find a solution.
That was the purpose of the stroll, and yet it had the opposite effect to what was intended and only left him with more worries and problems to solve.
The forest Yuder was walking through was dark and quiet, a perfect environment to think in. The only sounds resounding were those of his steps and the stone he kicked along. Perhaps the walk could have completed its original purpose if not for the person in front of whose shoes the pebble had stopped.
Kishiar La Orr, the commander of the cavalry, smiled at him.
Had Yuder known he would meet him, he would have just stayed in his room, but here he was, walking alongside the root of the issue while the sun had gone down a while ago.
What was supposed to be a calm walk has gotten a bit less peaceful, with the addition of Kishiar’s voice asking him about the mission and ways to move the stone. It wasn’t that bad, other than the man's insistence on Yuder becoming a deputy commander, despite his refusal.
That was supposed to be it, but Kishiar, like in the previous life, was unpredictable.
Whether it was a simple comment or question, he still somehow managed to regularly throw him off.
“You keep declining the position of deputy commander, put up walls, and try to distance yourself... How far can I extend my trust towards you?”
‘This…’
It wasn’t an unfounded worry, after all, many people would throw themselves at an offer like that, but Yuder did not. He kept declining and building walls, straight-up refusing to get closer.
‘It's suspicious.’
He tried to stay away, but being seen as someone untrustworthy was also bad.
He clenched his fists, trying to come up with an answer or a possible solution.
His head felt like a mess.
The man who caused it looked as calm as usual, and with his posture relaxed, he casually observed Yuder.
Sensing his gaze, Yuder tensed up, only for Kishiar’s face to shift into something a bit more playful.
“Well, there are plenty of ways to get to know an acquaintance better.”
The moment the words were said, Yuder felt a foreboding feeling and a sense of deja vu.
“How about spending the night with me? After all, an encounter like that gets rid of walls, and all status or standing is meaningless”
‘What…?’
“I think I have misheard.”
It was pointless to try to turn away from the question or deny its existence and yet Yuder asked for confirmation. He gave Kishiar a chance to back away and change his words but it was for nothing.
“No, your hearing is working fine. It’s a rather straightforward proposition”
The man seemed almost amused, looking at him with a smile but Yuder felt mostly dread. He couldn’t believe he had to listen to this nonsense again.
Did he not realise the weight of such a proposal?
Was this why he had to hear something like this from his mouth for the second time?
'Damn it.'
Despite all the changes some things seemed to stay the same.The man that Yuder was unable to understand till the day he killed him with his own hands, was still an enigma.But even now…
‘He can’t be serious'
He could have believed him if not for the knowledge he possessed.
While it was not something everyone knew, Kishiar La Orr was an alpha.It was amazing that he could say stuff like that as a person who was primarily attracted to omegas.In the past his interest could be seen as natural, but Yuder hadn’t awoken a second gender yet. He was an unremarkable commoner man, and Kishiar’s subordinate at that.
Kishiar as nobility should know the consequences.
That was why an offer like this could be nothing but a terrible joke.
Contrary to Kishiar’s shining eyes as he awaited the answer, Yuder's were cold and clouded.
“Things like that shouldn’t be said as a joke or without meaning.”
Yuder was almost ready to leave and end the conversation but Kishiar’s next words made him stop in his tracks.
“But I do actually mean it. Spending the night with you would certainly be a pleasant experience and I hope I can prove my words true.”
'What on earth...’
When Yuder turned back he saw Kishiar smiling gently at him which only further soured his mood, so he looked away.
‘Why do I have to listen to this kind of nonsense again?’
In the past the change in the relationship was unavoidable, but this time there shouldn’t be anything that led to this.
He tried to stay away, to be nothing more than a normal subordinate, not a deputy commander, not a cavalry commander, not his killer.
Both change and its lack made Yuder anxious. Whenever something was different it was a sign that he could fix everything, a sign that this life could be better than the previous one, but it also meant that now Yuder knew less, that mistakes were easier to make, one that could bring even further devastation.It was still better than everything following Its previous path that led to ruin. He did not want to see Kishiar bleed again.
The same words ended up being spoken by the man whose fate he wanted to change, the person with whom the relationship was supposed to be nothing like the previous one.
It scared him.
‘Damn it!’
No, he was being too serious about it. He should calm down and think it through.
Yuder tried to breathe in deeply but it wasn’t much help. His hands were still shaky and cold sweat was still pouring down his back.
It was surprising how something so simple can make him scared.
It wasn’t anything like his manifestation or what followed.It was simple,insignificant.
But it still rattled him up badly.
Did he grow weaker, or was it just the effect the man standing before Yuder had on him?
The scandalous proposition could be easily written off and forgotten if it was uttered by anyone but Kishiar, whose words still followed Yuder and his decisions like a shadow, whose words were still a part of his life, even when the man wasn’t.
His thoughts were interrupted by the voice belonging to the person in question.
“You still look rather unconvinced.”
The statement was accompanied by a rise of his eyebrows and a smirk but then his crimson eyes narrowed like those of a pleased cat as he leaned forward.
“Is it so hard to believe the Duke of Paletta would find himself interested in a handsome cavalry member?”
He spoke in an almost flirtatious manner that made shivers run down his spine. The proximity unconsciously made him take a step back. ‘Using his own reputation like that…’
It was something that only a person like Kishiar would do, but it calmed Yuder down a bit.
After all, the man before him was known for acting like this. The rumours claimed that he often flirted and slept around, both previously and even now. It made Yuder remember the perfumes that Kishiar seemed to be covered in when he talked with him.
Yuder never witnessed his affairs firsthand, but he didn’t need to when Kishiar’s behaviour made it so obvious.
Yuder was overthinking everything. Spending the night with him would be just another one night stand for Kishiar, something he wouldn’t mention again, and something to forget. After all, Yuder was no one special, and the time spent with him would be unnoteworthy too.
There wasn’t a second gender to tie them together this time. So there was no reason for his simple curiosity to become anything more, because without his status as an omega, there was nothing that would make him desirable or attractive long term.
It would be something with no consequences or it might even cause Kishiar to leave him alone, after satisfying his curiosity. It would be different from the miserable week spent together that changed their relationship.
It would not be forced, it would not be an accident.
The commander would be free from the guilt and unease following the manifestation. It would be a one off thing, not like the countless nights spent together preceded by Kishiar sneaking into his quarters. It wouldn't be a repeat of the past, but another divergence that could cause change, that he both loved, and loathed.
Something as simple as his agreement could be the catalyst ensuring everything would go differently, yet paradoxically, it could cause their relationship to stay the same.
Perhaps it was worth trying, cutting the problems at the roots.
To solve Kishiar’s doubts, and build up the walls again.
And then he would be left alone.
With the conviction to end whatever feelings he held for Kishiar and bury them, never to resurface again, Yuder came to a decision. Gone was the anxious look on Yuder’s face, his tense shoulders relaxed and the hands he had clenched to stop them from shaking dropped lifelessly to his side.
His eyes lifted from the ground, and his hair revealed an emotionless gaze, his focus shifted to Kishiar whose expression was unlike what could normally be witnessed on the commander. He couldn't recognize the reason for it, nor the feelings it was supposed to convey.
It left him puzzled.
But then it shifted into a far gentler expression. It was a look Kishiar wore when he spoke to a scared child or tried to ground someone who looked like they were a second from running away, but Yuder was neither, wasn’t he?
“It’s alright if you would rather not.”
It was said gently and slowly, contrary to Kishiar's previous advances.
Crimson eyes gazed into Yuder’s. It was a gesture full of patience that Yuder couldn’t understand where it was coming from and one that wouldn’t change anything, because he already made his decision.
“I’ll do it.”
Why did his voice sound so strained and hoarse? It made him sound uncertain, or defeated, unlike someone who was supposed to be calm and composed, whose emotions should already be buried and far from the human eye.
Was it due to the fact that Kishiar was an existence that seemed to be beyond that of a mortal, that was more like one belonging to a god? Was it the surreal light that he seemed to be surrounded by, that shined, illuminated and exposed what Yuder desperately tried to hide?
For the first time since this dreadful conversation started, it was Kishiar’s turn to be surprised.
His eyes widened and he stilled but just as quickly as the expression appeared, it was gone, and back was the controlled, and calm mask. His eyelids lowered again as he looked back at Yuder in a calculative manner.
'Is he doubting me?’
“I’ll do it.”
This time Yuder’s voice was unwavering and strong. He straightened out, and tried to keep himself from shaking. If he appeared reluctant, Kishiar would back away in fear that he would make him uncomfortable, and what happened before would repeat. Yuder would be treated like glass again, and guilt wouldn’t leave Kishiar’s eyes. He had to follow through and fix this whole mess and make sure that it would end as something positive.
“I was not expecting your agreement but I am glad.”
This time his smile seemed somewhat different from before. It wasn’t as picture perfect as before nor as gentle and comforting, it looked relieved, like a huge burden had fallen from Kishiar’s broad back. Was the conversation that stressed Yuder out as tense for Kishiar as it was for him?
His ability to conceal his emotions was something that Yuder admired about the commander, the fact that only now Yuder can see a part of Kishiar’s interior that was concealed all this time. It was as if it happened because the man allowed it too.
Whenever a problem arised, he dealt with it rationally and calmly, without emotions clouding his judgement. He didn’t need to beat people up or threaten them to earn their respect. Under his lead the cavalry bloomed and flourished, having a reliable leader, but with the man’s passing, so did the times of prosperity. Yuder couldn’t and still can’t understand why Kishiar gave him the position and what made him believe in Yuder and his abilities.
Contrary to Yuder, Kishiar's judgement was almost never wrong, with each decision being carefully thought out and planned, and yet he still made a mistake that his rationality should have easily prevented. Was coating Yuder’s hands with his blood, what he decided to be the best solution? Did he want to leave his cherished achievements in those same hands that took his life? Was it trust or something more twisted that led to this horrible choice?
Yuder never understood him, and lost the chance to the moment he plunged the knife into his chest.
The man before him was both the same and different.
His smile wasn’t as dim as Kishiar’s has gotten during the two years, his burdens seemed lighter than the ones that the man sneaking into his room carried. No longer did Yuder play and move board pieces as a means to communicate, or get asked to stay on his lap, but some things remained the same. For some reason he also expressed an interest in him, and just like before served him tea. He was still hard to understand, but seemed to be more open towards Yuder.
Even if in a joking manner, he expressed his doubts or worries, and asked him for advice.
When was the last time that Kishiar did that before his death?
He didn’t say what made him stay up late at night or seek Yuder out.
He locked it away as he closed the physical distance between them, he kept a tight grasp on his heart, removing himself emotionally
Was he trying to hide something in a way that wouldn’t cause Yuder to suspect it? It worked well, because not even once has he attempted to find out what was trapping him. He never tried to see behind the mask he was presented with and accepted it without a fuss. He knew close to nothing about him, despite the countless nights they had spent together. It was a proof that Kishiar built up walls, just like Yuder had tried to, but unlike him, he was successful.
It was somewhat of a familiar pattern, with Yuder trying to mirror the actions of the commander before him, only for it to end up as a failure.
Yuder bit the inside of his cheek, to ground himself and refocus. Kishiar looked at him with his brows furrowed as he shifted his weight onto the other leg, and continued to observe.
“It's an important decision to make so… How about waiting for a day to see if the answer stays the same?”
‘...what?’
He gave Kishiar plenty of chances to back up, or withdraw his words, and only now does he show reluctance?
After all the thinking and despairing.
When he finally decided on the answer…
Kishiar wants to wait?
He should have just ignored the question and gone back to his lodgings to rest.
He tasted metal, as he bit onto his lip until blood came out, just like it did when his nails dug into the flesh of his hand. It felt bitter that only now Kishiar had shown the behaviour Yuder desperately needed before. “I have already thought out my answer.” For some reason Kishiar stepped closer with his brows furrowed. Did he dislike his insistence?
This time Yuder stayed in place, and didn’t back away, trying to appear confident.He saw Kishiar lift his hand and tensed up, but then—
His thumb gently felt Yuder’s lip.
Yuder’s eyes widened at the unexpected action and the weird sensation, but then it was gone, together with the pain.He was speechless, unfortunately unlike the commander. “You shouldn’t do that.” He lowered his hand and smiled at him satisfied. ‘Did he do something?’
He had no way to know, so he decided to ignore the whole exchange. “About what I said before… How about you consider this a favour for me?” Despite the previous change of topic, Kishiar smoothly brought back the original point and calmly took a step back. Seeing this, Yuder knew he had no choice but to agree. “Understood.” At his answer Kishiar smiled at him. “Thank you.” Yuder watched as the man walked away, the tiresome conversation finally coming to an end. Just as Yuder started to relax, Kishiar stopped. He turned back to look back at Yuder with a mischievous smile.
“I wish you a good night, but I hope the next one will be even better.”
The second part of the sentence was said in a sultry, alluring manner, accompanied by the beautiful eyes narrowing at him.
‘How am I supposed to answer something as ridiculous?’
Seeing his displeased reaction Kishiar smiled even wider, and continued walking down the path. Now only Yuder stood amidst the swaying trees and darkness and after letting out a sigh, he too went his own way, with his head being an even bigger mess than before. Perhaps the way back to the lodgings could accomplish the original purpose of the stroll…
—---------------------
They managed to move the stone successfully, and now it sat in the wooden box, just like Yuder remembered it. Despite everything working out, Yuder still wasn’t able to relax. The voice of his commander kept ringing in his head as an unwelcome reminder of what was to come. He knew that the agreed time was coming closer, and closer and with its flow he tensed up further. Kishiar’s consideration worked against him, as the opportunity to think it through did its job. Yuder thought about it, he agonised, he was forced to confront his decision.
No longer could he write his answer off as a simple mistake caused by a thoughtless agreement. Now It was something he had to take full responsibility for.
The walk back to Kishiar’s lodgings was tense, after General Gino had left, and when they reached their destination, even more so.
It was still the afternoon when that terrible suggestion reached his ears.
“How about we go to freshen up, and meet here after to drink some tea?”
It seemed simple.
Just resting together after the mission, but yesterday's events still replayed in his head.
It was supposed to happen later.
It was supposed to be night.
He was supposed to be ready then.
And yet it all crashed too early.
It wasn’t just the tea that by itself could be considered dreadful, but also an invitation to complete their agreement.
The next time Yuder would stand before this door, it would be to unravel himself before the man he desperately tried to hide from.
He stood still.
He should walk back now, and yet he felt shackled in place, not being able to move even a step. It would be a step closer towards what he wanted to back away from, and the beginning of the path leading towards spending time with his commander. “Yuder?” Kishiar’s voice broke Yuder out of his stupor.
He had to move.
He agreed before, so he needs to uphold it.
He had to agree again, for it all to not be meaningless. “I see, I will leave now then.” Now that he had asserted his actions, he had no other choice but to proceed.
His legs felt both like lead that made it hard to lift them, as well as cotton unable to support the weight on his shoulders, as Yuder trudged the way he came from, leaving Kishiar staring at his back behind.
—---
Yuder was interesting.
That was the first thing Kishiar noticed about him when he walked through the door. His confident stride and straight posture did not show a hint of nervousness. Unlike many applicants who were anxious and uncertain of themselves and their abilities, Yuder didn’t seem to fear anything when he presented his ability and explained it to the board. It happened no matter who he talked to, as if there was no difference between nobility or the knights for him. Yuder treated them like he would anybody regardless of their status. The same thing applied when he spoke to Kishiar. Despite him introducing himself as a commander first and foremost, many members had problems ignoring his lineage or approaching him, but Yuder did not. He didn’t seem to mind talking with Kishiar and shared his opinion when asked to. Of course Kishiar would like for Yuder to do so without prompting, but for now it was enough. Even the smallest signs of Yuder opening up and sharing his feelings gave Kishiar joy. The undrunk tea, the annoyed glares or the insightful answers were a good example.
Another thing Kishiar found fascinating was how Yuder fit into the cavalry. He assumed it would take a while for the cavalry members to understand their new position and status equal to a knight, but Yuder broke his expectations and grasped it quickly, standing up against the knights at the training grounds. Seeing it first hand helped others gain more confidence and made them look up to Yuder, even if the man himself was unaware, Yuder already made an impact on the rest of the cavalry.
That was one of the many reasons why Kishiar wanted him as one of the deputy commanders, but Yuder refused. It was unexpected as many would gladly take the position as it was a high one with many benefits, but for some reason Yuder avoided it and coldly declined each time.
It was rather suspicious. Was Yuder after something else? There weren’t many official positions that a commoner could obtain. It would mean that Yuder wasn’t after power which only made him harder to read… and even more fascinating because of that.
Kishiar rarely met people whose motives he couldn’t understand, so Yuder was a variable Kishiar was curious about and wanted to know more of, but Yuder was always on guard. For the first time in a while Kishiar found someone he wanted to get closer to and Nathan, perceptive as always, noticed immediately. Perhaps not heeding his advice was what caused this in the first place.
When Kishiar asked Yuder to sleep with him, his proposition was merely a probe to see how Yuder would react. Whether he would see the proposal as genuine and with intent from Kishiar to go through with it like the Duke Peletta of the rumours, or see it as a terrible joke and immediately write it off and ignore it. When put in a situation like that, would Yuder be cold or disgusted? Or merely decline because it conflicted with the sun god’s teaching? Perhaps he would get an annoyed glare sent his way, not even graced with a response. Kishiar was curious, and that was what made the words that in hindsight shouldn’t have been said leave his mouth. Kishiar knew he made a mistake when he saw how stressed Yuder was. When instead of a refusal Kishiar heard the strained and hoarse agreement. When the steady man before him turned unfocused and shaking. It hurt worse than any stinging and cruel answer he could possibly get.
Yuder was the only cavalry member he could act so casually around or say something almost outrageous to, as others would often see no way to refuse a person of higher standing, but Yuder did so easily. Kishiar witnessed and experienced it himself many times so he was prepared to once again receive a somewhat cold rejection and it was what made him dare to even ask such a question. The answer was supposed to be obvious,yet the one he heard was anything but. It was unexpected and startling and once again proved how little Kishiar understood Yuder.. Even so, Kishiar didn’t go back on his words as curiosity won him over. It was unusual for Yuder to respond to Kishiar instead of keeping his distance so his agreement was a rare opportunity to understand him better. Kishiar was the one to offer, so he shouldn’t be the one to back out.
Kishiar’s opinion was starting to change as he watched Yuder disappear between the trees in concern. Despite how uncomfortable Yuder looked he didn’t go back on his words and Kishiar almost wished he did. It was clear Yuder was forcing himself so Kishiar hoped that giving him a break would calm him down and allow him to leave if he changed his mind and yet his calculations turned out to be wrong. When he heard his words, Yuder seemed surprised at first but then he turned off, no longer registering his surroundings. Seeing him so still and unmoving was… unpleasant so he tried to call out his name, only for Yuder to startle awake and retreat. Despite his immediate reaction, his pace was slow, as if each step brought more weight than the previous.
Would proceeding as soon as they came back bring better results?
Kishiar had no way to know. The only thing he could do now was to avoid further stressing him out.
With that in mind, he opened the high arched doors and went inside, to wash himself and prepare for Yuder’s arrival.
When the knocks sounded, he wasn’t prepared.
Nothing could have prepared him for the dark and defeated eyes waiting on the other side. Despite the emotionless, blank, and almost peaceful face Kishiar was presented with, his heart clenched painfully in his chest. It wasn’t a gaze of someone calm and content.
It was the composure of convicts waiting for their execution, the defeat coming with the knowledge that it was impossible to avoid it, and the acceptance of their fate, after the despair had already passed. It was the face of someone who, unlike Kishiar, was prepared for the worst.
So why was Yuder the one wearing such an expression?
It was a face that somehow suited Yuder, who seemed to be too used to suppressing all of his feelings and not letting them show. He kept a blank look at him at all times. It was an expression Kishiar never wanted to see on him again.
What made the perfectly maintained facade break like that?
No, Kishiar knew that he was the reason.
It was his carelessness that hurt Yuder.
Just like the horse he cherished, whose leg he destroyed due to his recklessness, like the misty horse who he doomed due to his strength.
Despite learning again, and again what his lack of restraint and touch led to, he made a mistake.
He knew that he should avoid getting close, yet he ignored Nathan’s warnings.
What stood before him now was the result.
The subordinate he hurt, despite him being someone he was responsible for and the one he was supposed to keep safe.
Yuder, whose eyes looked anywhere but at him, tense and uncomfortable,who despite doing his best to seem alright, looked more like someone preparing for their own funeral or perhaps a person who was doing it for a while now.
Was Kishiar the last nail in Yuder’s coffin?
Or was he ready to die from the beginning?
If there was something that bothered Kishiar, it was the way Yuder seemed to expect the worst and accept it; his readiness to leave the cavalry without fight if Kishiar wished so, and the lack of refusal that came so easily before.
Did he do anything that made Yuder feel unable to reach out?
He wanted to be a commander who was approachable and could help them solve their problems, but it seems he created an entirely new one for Yuder.
It was still not too late to play his role.
He had to get a grip and fix this mess without trampling on Yuder’s wishes.
If Yuder wanted to proceed, they would do so, because that was their agreement, but if he would seem like he was forcing himself, Kishiar would put a stop to it. He was curious, but not enough to hurt Yuder any further.
Now his job was to be the person Yuder had agreed to, the usual Kishiar whom he saw at work, and a bit of the Duke Peletta he heard about in the rumours, a confident, unwavering pillar Yuder could rely on.
Back was the usual smile on his face, and the relaxed posture as he leaned on the doorway.
“I am pleased to see you.”
Kishiar hoped that none of his uncertainty leaked through his voice, and did his best to steady it.
“Come inside, I’ll brew us some tea.”
He opened the door wider in a welcoming manner and stepped aside so Yuder could enter.
“Drinking tea made by me is certainly a rare opportunity, and I wouldn’t be surprised if that is the reason you came back.”
Kishiar smirked at Yuder playfully, but when it was reciprocated with a look full of annoyance directed at the door, the smile turned more genuine and some of the weight left his shoulders.
Perhaps he could make it alright.
—--------------- When Yuder once again stood before the high arched entrance and observed the detailing on it. He wasn’t sure what to expect, but Kishiar acting like usual wasn’t it. The only difference was the pause right after, and the gaze Yuder felt for some reason directed at him.
Perhaps he was the only one making a big deal out of it, as Kishiar seemed to behave like normal.
He was still saying unreasonable things for no reason.
It would be great if a tea made by Kishiar was something rare, but unfortunately for Yuder it wasn’t; becoming even more familiar with it was the furthest from what he wanted
Seeing Kishiar joke around like that was annoying, but somehow calming.
Yuder had no time to contemplate it further, as Kishiar waited for him to go in.
Yuder stepped inside the room , and Kishiar lit up the magic-stone stove. Thanks to the light, he could now see the interior of what seemed to be a living room, better. Despite the building being similar to a mansion, it was surprisingly cosy.
Yuder scanned the room, and stopped his eyes on the beautiful windows, and the well detailed doors, while Kishiar focused on making the tea.
“Feel free to sit down.”
Realising that he still stood near the entrance, Yuder reluctantly sat down at the table, and observed the familiar routine. Kishiar’s movements were smooth as he boiled the water in the kettle and poured it into the teapot, submerging the leaves. Kishiar then covered the teapot and after a while he filled the two cups with fragrant tea and placed them in front of Yuder. Even something as simple as setting them down on the table looked graceful when done by Kishiar.
Despite seeing it many times before, it was still impressive.
They sat in silence watching the tea steam and the hot air rise to the beautiful ceiling.
When Kishiar started to speak, Yuder expected the worst, and yet the ensuing conversation was related to their mission. It wasn’t as uncomfortable as Yuder thought it would be as he focused only on reporting for a change. He could put the agreement to the back of his mind, and put aside the worries related, but the peace couldn’t last forever as a clink of an empty cup meeting the table brought them back. Despite Kishiar’s cup being empty, Yuder’s tea still sat unmoved on the table, and a small ripple showed on its surface.
“Have you thought about it?”
Kishiar didn’t need to specify what ‘it’ was.
‘It’ never left Yuder’s mind even once,it stayed looming in the corner, waiting for the moment when he could no longer ignore it.
“I still want to do it.”
He observed as the tea stilled once again and became smooth.
“How about we proceed then?”
That was the reason they came here, after all.
Yuder was already given a lot of time to prepare, so he shouldn’t waste more.
His mind felt cloudy, unable to focus, no longer seeing what was happening around him and not registering where he was led to or the sound his footsteps made.
The thoughts were swirling as Yuder tried to concentrate enough to recall the next steps. What usually would take no effort felt impossible as his consciousness seemed to slip even further away. Distantly Yuder knew what he should do as his body moved to get rid of the fabric covering the skin.
Yuder’s unsteady hands made it hard to open the buttons of his shirt, and with each button the shaking only got worse, and the more garments Yuder set aside, the more in daze he felt.
Despite getting rid of the restricting clothes, his lungs felt tighter, and the air was harder to breathe as it seemed to press him from all sides.
He felt the pressure when his legs weren’t able to lift his body, he felt it when the mattress sank under his weight, even more so when Kishiar joined his side.
He just had to get this over with.
Yuder clenched his fists tightly, but then a warmth enveloped his hands.
It seemed burning hot, as it gently caressed his skin.
Yuder stiffened at the sudden contact, but his eyes followed the source of the sensation, stopping on the red eyes gazing at him softly.
“You finally looked at me.”
Kishiar’s smooth voice rang out, as he smiled at him leaning closer, he continued, “You have been avoiding eye contact since coming here.”
…Had he?
It was surprising that Kishiar pointed out something even Yuder wasn’t aware of, but for him to notice… Was Kishiar looking at him all this time?
“Your hands are cold,” continued Kishiar as he held them between his own.
‘So it's not Kishiar’s hands that are hot… but mine that are cold?’
“You seem stressed.” Kishiar’s eyes narrowed at Yuder.
“I’m fine.”
The assurance was immediate, yet it didn’t seem to be what Kishiar wanted to hear, as his brows furrowed further.
Yuder didn’t know what other answer he could give so he stayed quiet.
Now that his hands were no longer freezing, Kishiar’s touch wasn’t as burning as before. He held Yuder’s palms gently between his own, keeping them steady. Despite the gesture accomplishing its point, Kishiar didn’t let go, and didn’t seem to want to as he surrounded Yuder in the pleasant warmth. It was different from the cold leather gloves that used to caress his skin at night or the empty bed he was left in when morning came.
The touch Yuder knew the most, was cold or outright cruel, bearing the intent to hurt.
His last few months were full of miserable pain as he was torn limb from limb, chained and tortured, when a human's hand was a sign of another wound to come.
But the palms enclosing his were different, they were a gentle assurance, and a reminder of change as they shared their temperature.
They belonged to a person whose intent was still a mystery to Yuder, but acted as a commander he respected and wanted to follow.
The man in front of him looked unconvinced as he observed Yuder, who was still tense, although not as much as before.
Was there still something off about his behaviour?
Yuder had tried to suppress it all and get it over with, yet it seemed that he wasn’t able to conceal it properly, evident by the eyes tracing his every move.
“You know...”
Kishiar broke the silence, but not the eye contact as he continued his point, “The first thing you did when entering the room was to look for all the exits.”
The finely detailed doors, the beautiful windows.
Kishiar’s words made Yuder recall them, feeling caught.
This time he couldn’t deny it.
Perhaps seeing that Yuder went back to avoiding his gaze, Kishiar backed away slightly, and changed his tone to a more playful and less serious.
“Do you know why some people enjoy activities such as one night stands?”
Yuder didn’t, it was something he couldn’t comprehend as it seemed to bring only problems and despite knowing that Kishiar participated in them too, they stayed a mystery.
Some of it must have shown on his face as Kishiar didn’t wait for his answer.
“Typically it's a way to relax or run from your problems and their consequences, a way to know someone better or just a way to pleasantly spend some time and enjoy yourself.”
Was this why Kishiar did it too?
Even knowing the reasons, the concept was unappealing to Yuder, and whatever the commander would say next wouldn’t change it.
“But you seem like you came here for neither of these reasons.”
‘This…’
Kishiar once again has read him correctly, despite Yuder trying to avoid it and make it harder, but his next words made him stop.
“You look like someone who came for his own execution.”
It wasn’t merely the sentence itself that caused this, but the way it was said.
Kishiar sounded strained… and worried.
The commander that Yuder hardly ever could read the feelings of, showed them clearly, both in his voice and expressions, as his red eyes gazed sadly at Yuder.
Did Yuder seem similar when he knocked on the door?
Was this why he was treated so delicately, and with care?
Seeing the person who looked stoic even at death’s door like that made Yuder uneasy.
Kishiar seemed to have composed himself quickly, the tension and worry seemingly gone as he turned to Yuder, but it still left a bitter taste in his mouth.
“Do you know why I asked you something like this?”
It was hard to guess the answer, but perhaps Yuder will finally hear the reason why Kishiar did things like that both now and before.
“Of course beside the fact that you are rather handsome—”
Yuder glared in annoyance.
“It's the fact that you easily refuse me.”
‘What…?’
That wasn’t the answer he expected.It was still hard for him to understand how his refusal could have led to this.
Noticing the confusion, Kishiar smiled at him and explained further,
“Whether it's the deputy commander’s position or something as simple as drinking tea, you are not scared to refuse me.”
The walls Yuder built seemed to have worked against him. He overlooked the fact that treating the commander like he would any person regardless of status was the unusual thing to do. Was this why it came out like this?
‘Damn it.’
But then the warm smile slipped from Kishiar’s face and turned bitter and more strained, as a serious expression replaced the previous one, one that Yuder had a hard time placing.
“Perhaps that’s why I felt like I could ask you this and receive an honest answer.”
No, Yuder recognized it.
It was guilt.
The same one that surrounded Kishiar after their mistake, and the one that seemed to have never left completely.
The feeling that caused him to treat Yuder like glass, and keep his distance for some time, straining the relationship they had.
He thought that everything was going fine… so why was Kishiar acting like this?
The thing Yuder tried so hard to change was repeating again.
“I apologise for putting you in an uncomfortable position like this.”
No.
“I’m sorry If I made you feel like you couldn't refuse”
Don’t.
Kishiar sat opposite Yuder as he apologised and swore to take responsibility.
“It's not your fault.”
Not again.
Kishiar suddenly paused in surprise as a hand desperately reached out to get a hold of him.
Yuder's hand was shaking and pale as it latched onto Kishiar not willing to let go.
Yuder, not even conscious of his panic, held Kishiar’s wrist in a tight grip.
‘What is it that made you accept? What makes you so scared?’
Kishiar’s brow creased in concern, but he didn’t try to back away, and instead stayed in place as those thoughts passed his mind when he sensed the sudden fear in Yuder.
“Alright, I’ll stay like that.”
Kishiar’s voice seemed composed and steady, trying to calm Yuder down, yet the words broke him out of his stupor, finally noticing his actions in surprise.
‘How…stupid.’
Yuder quickly let go and backed away in shame.
He should have dealt with it calmly, but he overreacted in panic instead.
‘Damn it’
“You certainly are one of the few people that I find hard to read.”
Despite what happened Kishiar seemed almost amused, but there was a certain relief when he saw Yuder respond again and smiled at him gently.
“What you fear…”
Was he going to ask?
Would Yuder have to explain himself and his erratic behaviour?
He didn’t have an answer that he could give or wanted to,but unlike what he expected, a soft reassurance reached his ears.
“I’ll make sure it doesn’t happen.”
‘Easy to say.’
As much as Yuder wanted to believe him, he knew that even with Kishiar’s help the disasters would be difficult to prepare for or stop. He had seen how the Orr Empire started breaking apart and understood that it would happen again without his intervention. The original cavalry had been no more as its members went their own way, or lost their lives and what was left was merely a shell with a new interior trying to fit the gaps that the previous one easily filled.
Yuder wanted to believe Kishiar, yet all he could think about was the cold body of a target that didn’t do anything to avoid his demise. Even if it would be easier to blame Kishiar for how the cavalry and his life ended, ultimately it was Yuder who stabbed the blade deep into Kishiar’s chest, and he would be the one to stop it from happening this time, and it was his responsibility to avoid their relationship becoming like it was before.
Yuder felt a slight sting, as he bit into his lip, focusing on the issue at hand, but his focus was broken by Kishiar, “You should take better care of yourself.”
Yuder’s confusion must have shown, because Kishiar pointed at his now bleeding lower lip.
“It’s the second time now.”
‘And whose fault is that?’
Yuder glared at him, but Kishiar only laughed lightly.
When he quieted down, he gazed at Yuder with care.
“It doesn’t have to be a big deal.”
Kishiar’s voice was calm and steady as he continued his explanation:
“If you want, the one night stand can be a one off thing, or something more. We can go back to acting like usual, or we can not sleep together at all.”
He looked Yuder in the eyes as he stressed the importance of his next words.
“The choice is yours, and whatever it is, I promise you that we will figure it out”
‘This…’
Does this mean there is no wrong answer?
It was idealistic, and seemed impossible, and yet the certainty with which Kishiar said it made the words almost believable.
The issue Yuder was worried about felt insignificant now that Kishiar wanted to solve it with him.
It was that simple, like the words that somehow lifted the weight from his shoulders.
“How about we just lay down together? I already miss the warmth of your hands.”
It seemed that Kishiar indeed acted like normal, saying ridiculous things again.
Yuder’s hands weren’t even warm, but cold from stress when Kishiar held them, but perhaps, just this once it was okay to indulge him.
Yuder shifted closer and lowered himself to the mattress, as Kishiar made some space for him in surprise and held his arms open with an unasked question.
‘...It should be fine’
When Kishiar’s arms surrounded him it was… nice… and warm.
Yuder’s barely slept through night caught up to him, as he started to get sleepy and yawned.
He felt Kishiar’s chest moving as he laughed softly, lifting one of his hands to run through Yuder’s hair.
“Do you know why I find you interesting?” Kishiar whispered, trying to not disturb Yuder.
When he finally started relaxing, he got another question thrown his way.
It was tiring.
He didn’t answer, and Kishiar didn’t seem to expect one, as he continued softly.
“Well, you are rather handsome for starters. Your eyes are especially captivating.”
His hand lowered as he gently started to caress Yuder’s cheek.
The same eyes that were described as either blank, or abyssal and unsettling seemed to be a completely different thing to Kishiar who would often meet Yuder’s eyes.
“You treat everyone without looking at their rank, whether it's the imperial knights, a Duke, or fellow cavalry members. It’s refreshing”
Yuder had seen himself how nervous others were to talk with Kishiar, but he also saw the respect they held for him. They didn’t dislike their commander, like Yuder’s own subordinates had, but found him to be slightly intimidating.
Yuder approached him casually, and didn’t mind sharing his opinion when asked, or leave tea undrunk if he didn’t want it.
“Your confidence is another aspect of your personality I like. It’s contagious and spreads to the other members. I don’t want them to cover in fear or shame, but to walk proud of their achievements.“
Kishiar’s hands found themselves once again fondly stroking Yuder’s head.
The words were foreign to Yuder, who more often heard people saying he didn’t know his place and should bow humbly, knowing that the position he has is undeserved. They called him cocky, and did their best to prove he was someone lower than them and bring him down a peg, Yet Kishiar said he liked his confidence, the fact he walked straight and didn’t bow down. The contrast was almost jarring.
“You are hardworking and clever, and the cavalry members enjoy your company and get inspired by you. That is why I wanted you to be the deputy commander and lead them by my side.”
It was surprising to hear that. The atmosphere when he was the commander was terrible. He was intimidating and blank, which led to disagreements that Ever had to solve. She was the one that led the cavalry, and he merely gave orders. She was more suited for the role.
But for Kishiar to say he was liked…was that the influence Kanna and Gakane had on him? That was the only change which could explain what happened. Perhaps their existence made him more approachable.
“I am rather saddened by your refusal, but if you truly despise the idea then I can’t force you, but I hope you know I am ready to add as many benefits as you need to make you agree.”
‘Is he crazy?’
Yuder rose up in shock to look at Kishiar, only for him to smirk proudly after they locked eyes.
Yuder could easily exploit an offer like that. He wasn’t even worth all this effort, but Kishiar continued to be stubborn like that.
Seeing the annoyed disbelief written on Yuder’s face Kishiar smiled even wider and pulled him down into his arms again.
“Am I truly so untrustworthy? Whenever I say something like that you always glare at me.”
Yuder wouldn’t if his words weren’t so ridiculous.
He didn’t grace Kishiar’s question with an answer and just sighed instead, nuzzling even closer.
He really should have slept more.
Kishiar stiffened slightly, but then squeezed Yuder a bit more.
It was nice like that, just laying in bed close to Kishiar.
It was different than the nights spent together and the mornings alone.
It was… relaxing.
Crash.
The windows shattered and people entered the room.
‘Damn it.’
Yuder quickly got up to deal with the intruders with annoyance.
It seems he really couldn’t get some rest.
‘I guess it was nice while it lasted.’
Time to deal with the threat.
And if the intruders were treated more rough than usual? It was their fault for interrupting.