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“What was Shen Shi's original role?”
The tea between them is cold. Hesitation crosses Airplane's face.
“Um, Cucumber-bro, are you sure you want to know?”
It must be bad, then. Shen Yuan keeps his face impassive. “Would I ask if I didn't?”
“It's just, like, it's not pretty. It's not a pretty fate. And… It might upset you.”
Shen Yuan glared. “I told you to tell me, so tell me. Or do you think, after everything I've been through, I wouldn't be able to handle it?”
Airplane flinches, like he does everytime he's reminded of what Shen Yuan went through. Misplaced guilt. Shen Yuan clicks his tongue; he doesn't know the details, of course, but Airplane isn't stupid. He knows it wasn't pretty, based on what he wrote.
“Um… Shen Shi was originally the first person to betray the Scum Villain.” Shen Yuan looked at him sharply, and Airplane squeaked. “Um! They were constantly pit against each other in the Qiu estate. Shen Shi was a child who wanted his pain to stop, so why wouldn't he blame everything on his brother? Any trouble he stirred up, Shen Jiu would get blamed. He threw him under the bus many times, which Shen Jiu couldn't understand or forgive. They used to be close, but the Qiu estate tore them apart. In the end, Shen Shi became one of his tormentors, and… met an end with the rest of the Qiu estate.”
Pain stabs Shen Yuan's heart. His brother would have been so hurt. Perhaps it is unreasonable to resent a child, but Shen Yuan feels contempt fill his body at the thought of the original Shen Shi. Who could do that to their brother ? It was unfair to blame a child shaped by his circumstances, perhaps, but Shen Yuan feels his regret at replacing the boy drain away. It was better than it was him, in the end.
“That was an additional conflict between Yue Qingyuan and Shen Jiu, actually,” Airplane mused, “Since Shen Shi died, the Sect Leader felt even more guilt about the whole situation, and Shen Jiu refused to talk about the traitor that hurt him.”
Shen Yuan picked up the cold tea and took a sip of it. “I see.”
Airplane paled at his calmness, “B-But, uh! Cucumber-bro obviously changed it all, right? Shen Qingqiu didn't murder you when he killed the Qiu's, so you must have done something right!”
Shen Yuan frowned. The urge to correct him sits on his tongue, but while Shang Qinghua is someone he can be honest with about his transmigration, there are some things he rather not share with anyone. “You don't need to comfort me,” he denied, “I'm not upset, Airplane.”
“...Really? Because- you get sweet when you're upset. Truly upset. And it's scary, bro!”
Amusement flashed on Shen Yuan's face. “Oh, so you like when I berate you?”
“That's not what I'm saying!” Airplane denied. “It's just… You're a vicious person, with a sharp tongue and sharper mind. I knew that from just your comments on PIDW. When you feel safe, you… You don't hold back yourself. So… When you're sweet… it's like some fucked up survival instinct, some way to keep yourself safe. It means you don't feel safe .”
Shen Yuan feels ice prick his heart. His face went cold. “Oh, so you like psychoanalyzing me, now? I'm not some poor traumatized maiden, Airplane.”
In fact, Shen Yuan would say he's doing perfectly fine, thank you very much. Were the first few years of his transmigration hard? Well, sure, anyone could tell you that. But he dealt with it like a champ, and gained no lasting damage from it! (Mostly.) Who could have dealt with it better than him? Sure, he's not the perfect transmigrator (Jiu-ge's torment of Binghe, the blood on his hands, Binghe staring out at him with heartbroken eyes as he pushed—), but he likes to think he did the best with what he was given, okay!
Shang Qinghua hesitated. “I know you aren't, but… Look, bro. Bro . I know what I wrote about the Qius- stuff I would have never written if I knew it would become real- and no one could survive that household sane.”
Shen Yuan is tense. “So, what are you saying?”
He hesitated, once more. He steeled himself. “You don't have to talk about it with me,” he murmured, “But keeping it bottled up, bro… even I know that's not wise.”
“Okay, Airplane,” Shen Yuan said calmly, “Then, I only ask you this- who?”
“Uh…”
“Who do I talk about this with? You ? You'd only feel guilty. Jiu-ge? And remind him of everything we went through, everything he tries so hard to hide from? Qi-ge? That man has even more of a guilt complex than you! And we both know where Binghe is right now. So, pray tell me… Just who could I talk to about this?”
“Liu Qingge?” Airplane winces even suggesting it. Shen Yuan gives him a dry look. “O-Okay, yeah. You have a point. But, you know I wouldn't make your trauma about me , don't you, bro? I mean, yeah, I'd feel guilty, but… that's not your responsibility. I wouldn't make it your responsibility.”
A burning feeling tore through his stomach. Okay, then, Airplane, He thinks viciously, What would you do if I told you I could still hear their screams? That they lived like pigs and I butchered them like pigs the same? I stabbed and stabbed and stabbed and I made it hurt, I tore out his eyes, I made him scream, and it still wasn't enough? I would do it again, over and over, and my only regret is I didn't butcher his sister, too? Didn't make that blind little girl scream, like I screamed, and Jiu-ge watched it all?
What would you do if I told you, as he laid there choking on his own blood, I gave him one last kiss, and I don't know why?
I think he broke me.
Shen Yuan bites his tongue. Perhaps seeing the dark look on his face, Shang Qinghua squeaked.
“Stop smiling so sweetly! I told you it's creepy, bro! Okay, okay! You don't have to talk.”
Shen Yuan blinked back into the moment. He pursed his lips. Shang Qinghua settled.
“Look, bro, I just worry. This, on top of Luo Binghe… I mean, any situation would be rough, but… Together? You have it hard , man.”
Shen Yuan tensed at the mention of Binghe.
“Well, that's what you're here to help me with, right?” He said sharply. “If you're so guilty about what happened to me, you can at least do this much.”
He smiled, a cold thing. In truth, Shen Yuan didn't blame him, but he would wield that misplaced guilt like a weapon if it would help him survive.
(I don't want to die like that again.)
Shang Qinghua eyed him warily, sighing and shaking his head. “You don't need to threaten or guilt trip me, bro. I won't hold it against you, I have some idea what you've been through after all, but I'd do my best to make sure you'd survive regardless. We're in the same boat, right? Two poor sods who involuntarily transmigrated into my book as the villains. We gotta stick together, bro.”
What pretty, pretty words. A part of Shen Yuan wanted to believe him, his fellow transmigrator, his ally.
But he didn't.