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LOVE WORDS by NoMoreBeer4U and JD4me
… the universe needs you, even more than this old colonel can claim.
Jack capped the pen, his energy drained after he had poured his soul into his words. He took a deep, shuddering breath, carefully folded the piece of paper, and put it into the nightstand drawer. His hands were trembling. Hell, his entire body was shaking from head to toe. It had been too close once again. Maybe they wouldn’t be so lucky next time. Maybe he should… no, no. No way. His secret would die with him. It couldn’t be any other way.
The colonel lay on the bed, curled up into a ball, and wept.
***
Washington, seven years later
Jack went to open the front door at the first knock. He had been waiting for that moment the entire day, or rather fearing it. Picking up Daniel's pieces had always been one of the hardest things he had done in his life, but he had succeded in the past and he would do it again. His friend was once again facing the loss of his beloved one, (God, couldn’t the universe give him a break?) and Jack would be there for him no matter what.
Two dull blue eyes greeted the general. At least they weren’t red-rimmed, evidence that the archaeologist hadn’t been crying recently. Jack wasn’t sure if it was a good or a bad thing.
“Hey,” the gray-haired man said softly, his voice matching the sadness on his friend’s face.
“Jack…”
Was it Jack’s imagination or did Daniel’s tone carry a considerable amount of relief?
The archaeologist glanced at his friend and gulped to swallow the lump in his throat. He was finally there, at Jack’s house in Washington, the only place in the universe he wanted to be. Things would get better now. Not that Jack could undo what happened, of course, but he was the only person who could give him some comfort.
“Please, come on in,” the general whispered as he stepped aside.
Daniel complied and the older man shut the door behind him.
“Jack…” the archaeologist repeated, his voice cracking.
The general allowed his instincts to take the reins of the situation. He pulled his friend towards his body and engulfed him with his arms. Daniel sighed and returned the hug. Less than a minute there, and he was already feeling better. Of course, being wrapped in Jack’s arms always helped. If only he could express out loud how it really made him feel! But that wasn’t possible. He couldn’t let Jack know. His feelings would remain buried six feet underground. Like Vala's body.
“I'm sorry I couldn’t attend the funeral,” Jack said as he rubbed his friend's back.
“’s ok,” Daniel said against his friend’s shoulder. “It was… bad timing. You had an appointment with the President at the same time. I understand, and there was nothing you could have done for Vala, anyway.”
“I could have been there for you,” Jack automatically replied.
Daniel couldn’t say what he stored in his heart, so he said nothing.
Jack knew he should let go. The hug had already gone beyond a reasonable time for a friendly one, but he didn’t want to pull away. Daniel’s arms were wrapped around him, and he wanted to enjoy the sensation as much as possible. Jeez, the archaeologist had put a ton of muscle. That felt so different from hugging the scrawny Daniel that escaped Klorel's ship twelve years ago… but the scent, that intoxicating scent, remained exactly the same.
God, what am I doing? Jack thought as he finally pulled away. Daniel just lost Vala. He came here looking for some comfort, and here I am having naughty thoughts. Fuck, I'm an asshole. Dammit, way more than that, I'm the king of assholes.
“Do you want to talk about it?” the general offered his friend.
“What’s there to talk?” Daniel shook his head. “I read the inscription, I figured out the entrance of the temple was bobby trapped, I warned my team not to move a muscle, and she…”
He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Jack squeezed the archaeologist’s shoulder affectionately.
“It wasn’t your fault.”
Daniel raised his eyelids to show tormented eyes.
“I insisted General Landry on letting her join SG-1, even knowing how reckless she was sometimes,” he said.
“And they put her on a probation period and she passed, remember?” Jack reminded his friend.
“But…”
“It wasn’t your fault,” the general insisted.
Daniel stared at those gorgeous chocolate eyes and nodded. God, a brief glance at those eyes was enough to warm his heart and melt the cells around. At this moment, the archaeologist was feeling like a royal asshole. They had just buried his friend and there he was, fantasizing about the general, thinking about how wonderful would be to feel Jack’s arms wrapping his body once more, or even better, forever.
“Go leave your bag in the spare room,” the older man said. “I'll make some coffee.”
“Do you mind if I take a shower first?” Daniel asked. “It's been a long day.”
“Of course,” Jack agreed. “Take the time you need. I'll be on the back porch.”
Daniel muttered his thanks and left. Jack watched as his friend walked away. He wanted to tell him to stop, take him into his arms again to show him how sorry he was for his loss, tell him how badly he had missed him, tell him… but he realized it would sound as bad as it was, so he said nothing and headed to the kitchen.
Daniel tossed his sports bag on the bed and his glasses on the nightstand table. He sat on the edge of the mattress and buried his face in his hands. The image of Vala’s body flying backward popped into his mind. She was dead before hitting the ground.
The archaeologist scrubbed his face and tried to focus on a most pleasant picture: Jack looking at him, touching him, talking to him in that soft tone that sometimes looked like it was reserved only for him. Yeah, as if was something more than wishful thinking. Jack’s heart was taken, and Daniel couldn’t understand why the general hadn’t still done something about it. But that would change soon. No matter how much it hurt, the archaeologist planned to share his thoughts regarding that subject with his friend and push him to do the right thing. As Vala used to say, life is too short. Enough of procrastinating.
The archaeologist opened the side pocket of his sports bag and grabbed the picture he carried there. Sam took it during the Christmas party at the SGC after he descended. It showed Jack and himself with their arms around each other’s shoulders and big smiles brightening their faces. Daniel brushed his friend's handsome face with his thumb.
“I love you,” he whispered, “and you deserve to be happy.”
He took a deep breath, flipped the photo, glanced at the inscription he had written on it long ago, and put it into the sports bag again. Next, he grabbed a change of clothes and headed to the bathroom. There, under the shower spray, he couldn’t help but imagine Jack’s hands roaming over his body, stroking his pecs, his stomach, kissing him passionately, wrapping his fingers around his…
Daniel squeezed his eyes shut and let out a shuddering sob. He was about to kill that fantasy forever, but he had to do it. Jack deserved a plentiful life, and he'd take care of it even if that meant smashing his own heart along the way.
Tears flew, and the water dragged them to the drain, together with his nonsense dream.
***
Jack was debating internally whether to make coffee or take a couple of beers when he heard a sob coming from the bathroom. His heart climbed to his mouth. Crap, crap, crap. His friend was suffering and there was little he could do about it. The general’s first instinct told him to run and hold the archaeologist in his arms until he could breathe normally again if that was even possible, but once again, his common sense stopped him. He knew it wasn’t his arms that Daniel longed for. It was Vala's, and Vala was dead. The promise of finding Shifu had kept the archaeologist out of the pit when Sha're died. Jack didn’t know how to help his friend now. All he knew was that the scientist was the most beautiful person he had ever met, both in the inside and the outside, and he deserved to be happy once and for all.
Jack allowed his fantasy to stick out for a moment: Daniel looking at him, touching him, talking to him in that soft tone that sometimes looked like it was reserved only for him. Yeah, as if was something more than wishful thinking. Daniel didn’t love him like that. The general kicked himself mentally for the third time in fifteen minutes. That had to stop. No matter how much it hurt, he had to keep his feelings buried deep inside and act as the friend he was supposed to be.
A distant thunder interrupted Jack’s thoughts. A storm was approaching. Maybe sitting on the back porch wasn’t such a good idea after all. He opened the fridge, grabbed two beers, and headed to the living room, trying to ignore the sounds of distress that came from behind the bathroom door. Easier said than done. He could hear Daniel crying under the shower spray and that broke his heart. He sat on the couch, opened his beer, and swallowed half of it in a single gulp. Why, why, why? Why had such a precious soul had to suffer so much?
The general couldn’t hold it any longer. He grabbed the bottles and got out to the porch. As long as it wasn’t windy, the roof would protect them from the rain. He put Daniel’s beer on the auxiliary table and sat on the rocking chair as a second thunder broke the silence. The storm was still far away. It might not even rain there.
***
Daniel put on a pair of sweatpants and a T-shirt and stood in front of the mirror. His eyes looked puffy and red-rimmed. There was no way to conceal he had been crying. Of course, Jack would think he had been grieving for Vala, and well, it was partially true, so he wouldn’t have to lie, at least not completely. He hated lying to Jack, but what other option did he have? His friend was purebred military. If he ever knew he had developed romantic feelings for him, the general would kick him from his circle if he didn’t kill him first. No, he couldn’t take the risk. His friendship was too precious to him.
The archaeologist took a deep breath, pushed his feelings deep, deep inside, and went to meet his friend. He found him on the porch, as expected, sitting on the rocking chair. The general had his gaze focused on some invisible spot in the yard and he seemed to be lost in his thoughts. Daniel noticed the older man hadn’t realized he had just stepped onto the porch, and he couldn’t help but stop to admire the view. God, he was beautiful, and he didn’t think that only because he was head over heels in love with him. He thought that because objectively, Jack was the most attractive man he had ever met, both in the outside and the inside. Behind the mask of a badass general lay a brave, generous, funny, caring man with a heart of gold. Not many people knew that, but Jack had removed that mask in front of Daniel several times, and the archaeologist felt incredibly fortunate for that.
Jack raised his beer and took a sip. Daniel observed those tempting lips engulfing the mouth of the bottle and wondered what it would feel like to have them pasted on his own. He automatically kicked himself mentally. God, what was wrong with him?
***
Jack sensed he was being observed and turned his head. The unexpected movement caught Daniel off guard, as he stood with one foot on the porch, undecided.
“Hey, there you are,” Jack smiled softly. “C'mere. Sorry, I didn’t make coffee. I thought a beer would be more appropriate.”
Daniel gulped and nodded. He approached the general and the older man pointed with his head at the armchair next to him. The archaeologist grabbed the bottle of beer from the auxiliary table and sat down. They both drank in silence for a while until Daniel gathered the courage to say what he had to say and talked.
“Jack, how long have we known each other?” he asked as he toyed with the label with his thumb.
“Thirteen years and three months,” Jack replied automatically.
Daniel nodded in agreement.
“And you know I've always talked what’s in my mind, right?”
“It would surprise me if you didn’t,” Jack agreed.
The archaeologist looked at his friend right in the eyes.
“Then forgive me, Jack, but you’re an idiot.”
The gray-haired man’s eyebrows hit his hairline.
“You've called me worse,” he said nonchalantly. “Just out of curiosity, what did I do this time?”
“Sam,” Daniel said firmly.
“Carter?”
“Do you know any other Sam?”
“Well, there’s a couple of Samuels in the Pentagon, but I don’t think we’re talking about them.”
There was only one reason Jack could think of that would explain why the archaeologist mentioned their friend.
“Listen, I already talked to her, and Teal'c, too,” he said. “I called them to express my condolences as well, you know that. I know she and Vala were good friends. You, however…”
“This is not the time to play dumb, Jack.” Daniel scowled at his friend. “This is not what I'm talking about, and you know it.”
“Uh… no?” The general shook his head, genuinely confused.
“What are you waiting for?” Daniel continued, ignoring his friend's comment. “It was Vala this time, but it could be any of us next week. It could be Sam.”
Jack shuddered at the idea of losing the archaeologist again, but it didn’t occur to Daniel that the gesture was meant for him.
“Do you really want to waste your life like that, without even trying it?” The archaeologist’s voice cracked, not only before the idea of losing another friend but also before the idea of turning his dreams into dust.
“Try what?” Jack was at a loss.
Daniel shook his head in disbelief. His heart was breaking for nothing, because apparently, Jack wasn’t ready to take the bull by the horns. The archaeologist took off his glasses, put them on the auxiliary table, and covered his eyes.
“You’re unbelievable,” he muttered.
“Daniel, listen,” Jack said, softening his tone. It wasn’t possible that his friend was suggesting what he thought he was suggesting. "I understand you’re in shock. I mean, you just lost Vala, but I think you’re mixing things.”
“I'm not mixing anything.” Daniel uncovered his face and looked at his friend with pain-filled eyes. “Jack, please, call Sam. Do it before it’s too late.”
“Call Carter,” Jack repeated, making sure he had heard it correctly. “And tell her what, according to you?” He squinted his eyes.
“That you love her, dammit!” The archaeologist slammed the bottom of his bottle against the table, tired of Jack’s game. He abandoned the beer and shot off his seat. “That you'll retire!” He threw a hand toward his friend. “That you'll marry her! That you’re ready to live your happily ever after!”
Daniel choked at the last word and stopped talking. His chest was rising and falling heavily, his eyes glistening with unshed tears. Jack’s stomach clenched. It seemed a good moment to confess to his friend what was the genuine desire of his heart, a heart that was breaking into a million pieces at the archaeologist’s distress, but he wouldn’t. His friend was carrying enough pain. He wouldn’t load him with more, but it was time to clarify something, something that, apparently, he should have clarified long ago.
“I can’t do that, Daniel,” Jack said earnestly.
“Why not?” A first tear fell.
Why did his friend have to be so stubborn? It was popular knowledge that he was in love with Sam and she requited his feelings. Jack retired when Charlie died. Daniel knew the general had considered the idea on several occasions. Obviously, it didn’t repulse him at all, and he had a lot to win. What the hell was he waiting for?
The general stared at those beautiful blue eyes, currently clouded with tears. He feared what he had to say wouldn't make the archaeologist feel better, but he had to do it, anyway.
“I don’t love Carter,” he said, just above a whisper. “At least not the way you loved Vala.”
God, acknowledging out loud that Daniel had been in love with the space pirate, hurt even more than expected. Jack felt how an invisible dagger pierced his heart and split it in two.
The archaeologist looked at his friend, completely flabbergasted. He blinked several times as if that could help to clear his mind. He rubbed his watery eyes with his sleeve, sniffled, and struggled to find his voice.
“Wha… what?”
“I'm not in love with Carter,” Jack repeated. “I never was, and I never will.”
“No, not that,” Daniel shook his head. “What you just said about Vala and me.”
“What? That you loved her?”
“You… you think I was in love with Vala?” the archaeologist asked in sheer surprise.
“You… you weren’t?” Jack frowned, confused.
“What? No, of course not.” The younger man knitted his eyebrows together as well. “How did you get such an idea?”
“Those reports. I mean,” Jack stammered, “they all say you took her out.”
“Tell me you’re not talking about the date that wasn’t a date,” Daniel gulped.
Jack shrugged and made a face.
“You've been thinking I was in love with Vala for two years?”
“And you've been thinking I was in love with Carter for… how long?”
“Oh, boy.” The archaeologist sank into the armchair.
“But Daniel, I heard you crying in the shower,” Jack observed, trying to make sense of all that mess. “If that wasn’t for Vala, then what… who…?”
Daniel stiffed. Even if Jack didn’t love Sam, he couldn’t let him know the truth.
“Well, even if I wasn’t in love with her, she was part of my team. I cared about her like I care about Sam and Teal’c or Mitchell.”
Jack squinted his eyes. Something in Daniel’s tone told him the archaeologist wasn’t being completely honest.
“But wait! What about you?” Daniel sat upright. “Everybody thinks you love Sam and now you tell me you don’t? I mean, how can you not love her? She’s beautiful and smart and…”
“And not my type,” Jack interrupted the younger man. “But for the way you talk, it might be yours.”
“What?! No!” Daniel exclaimed.
Ok, he hadn’t meant to sound so terrified of the idea. The archaeologist looked away, ashamed of his outburst. Oh, boy. Jack didn’t want Sam, Jack didn’t want Sam, Jack didn’t want Sam… so what? That meant nothing. His chances were still zero, so what difference did it make?
Jack observed his friend without knowing what to do with that new information. OhGodohGodohGod. Daniel had never loved Vala, Daniel had never loved Vala, Daniel had never loved Vala… so what? That meant nothing. His chances were still zero, so what difference did it make?
Even so, the general decided to dig deeper into the subject. If he was going to keep his fantasy, he wanted to know what he was dealing with.
“It’s for Sha're,” he theorized.
Daniel raised his head and met sad brown eyes.
“You still love her,” Jack clarified. “For what other reason would you still be alone?”
“Isn’t my job reason enough?” the archaeologist frowned.
“I don’t know. Is it?”
Daniel studied those gorgeous dark pools and saw a glint he had never seen before.
“You’re right,” he said. “I still love Sha're and I always will, but this is not the reason.”
Woah, hold on for a second. Where did that come from? Why didn’t he keep playing Sha’re’s card?
Because he couldn’t go on lying to his friend like this. He had been able to skip the subject for years, but now that it was on the table… he had the feeling Jack would continue to dig in until he got a satisfactory answer, and there was no other possible answer than the truth. Maybe it was time. After all, he had just admonished Jack for not facing his feelings, although, that was different because he thought those non-existent feelings were requited, but in his case… Oh, hell, why was he even considering it? He had already established that a full confession would destroy their friendship. But what was the value of a friendship based on a lie? Ugh, what to do? What to do?!
“There’s someone else,” Jack blurted out.
Daniel froze and stared at his friend like a deer caught in a car's headlights. Jack’s heart sank. Oh, shit. He was right! Daniel loved someone! He had said it with the hope that the archaeologist denied it, but his silence, and the expression on his face… but if Daniel was in love, why was he alone? No way someone could have rejected such a beautiful soul! Unless…
“She doesn’t know,” Jack frowned.
Daniel looked away guiltily.
“Huh, that’s rich,” Jack threw a hand. “You yelled at me about Carter and you’re doing exactly the same!”
“It’s not the same!” Daniel exclaimed, his eyes dark with pain.
“Then tell me, Daniel.” Jack’s gaze hardened. “How is that different?”
God, he hated himself for putting his friend through that, but he had to. If Daniel had any chance to share his life with someone, he was there to make it happen, even if that meant killing his own heart.
“I thought… I thought your thing with Sam was mutual.”
“And how do you know your thing with whatever-her-name-is isn’t?”
“I just know, ok?!” Daniel stated firmly.
“How? How can you know if you never had the guts to ask her?!” Jack’s tone grew louder.
“Because!”
“Because what?!” the general threw both hands.
“Because it’s not a she! It’s a he, ok?!”
A new thunder, closer this time, accompanied Daniel’s words.
All of a sudden, the archaeologist felt sick to the stomach. He couldn’t breathe. He rushed to the yard and started to pace, his arms tightly wrapped around his midsection, praying that he didn’t throw up on Jack’s tulips.
Anchored into the rocking chair, Jack looked at his friend, mouth agape. Holy shit. Daniel was in love with a man? Holy shit! Daniel was in love with a man! OhGodohGodohGod! Daniel was bi, Daniel was bi, Daniel was bi… so what? That meant nothing. No way such a beautiful man felt attracted to such an old, scarred warhorse like him. His chances were still zero, so what difference did it make?
But there was a big difference. The idea of losing Daniel to a woman hurt like a thousand knives, but for some reason, the idea of losing him to another man was unbearable.
A pang of jealousy traveled through Jack’s innards. He strode toward the archaeologist and stood in his way.
“Who is he? Tell me,” he asked harshly.
“It doesn’t matter,” Daniel replied wearily. He tried to walk past Jack, but the general gripped his arm to stop him.
“Is it Teal’c?” the general asked accusingly. “You got closer after you descended. It’s him, right?”
“What?!” Daniel exclaimed, his face contorted in pain. “No!”
He yanked himself free, but Jack continued blocking his way.
“Then Mitchell!” the general said in the same tone.
His fingers wrapped around the younger man’s biceps again. Daniel shook his head.
“Jack, please, don’t do this to me,” he implored brokenly.
“He’s in the military, right? This is the reason you didn’t tell him,” the general went on pushing.
“Jack, please…” The archaeologist tightened the grip around his middle.
“Davis! Paul Davis! I've seen the way he looks at you! I'm going to demote him! I'll send that bastard to clean latrines in Elmendorf! With his tongue!”
Daniel thought of only one reason that had made Jack react that way. He stared at his… friend? He was no longer sure he could call Jack that. God, he had fucked everything up. Why didn’t he keep his mouth shut? He felt how what was left of his heart tore into tiny pieces that scattered on the ground.
“You know? I held the tiny hope that if you found out someday, you wouldn’t feel so disgusted about it,” Daniel said, ignoring Jack’s last accusation. “That we could still be friends. I was wrong.” His voice broke completely at the last word. Tears sprang.
Jack looked at the archaeologist in horror. Jesus, what was he doing? The general realized he was holding the younger man in an iron grip and let go of him as if he had been burned. He looked at his abusive hand and then at Daniel again. God, he had put those tears there. Daniel was the most precious treasure of his life, like Charlie had been once. He lost his child. No way he was going to lose Daniel. If Davis was who the archaeologist loved, then he would support him, even encourage him to get his man. The major was handsome, smart, well mannered… in short, everything he wasn’t. He was a perfect match for Daniel. No wonder the archaeologist had fallen for him.
“I… I'm sorry. I… I don’t know what got into me,” Jack stammered, horrified at his own behavior. “I… I don’t feel disgusted, I swear. Just… surprised, I mean… I wasn’t expecting that, that you… you know… and of… of course we can still be friends. That,” he stopped to clear his throat, “that changes nothing, I mean… between, uh… us.”
“Doesn’t it?” Daniel said, his face the picture of agony. “And what if I told you it isn’t Davis who I'm in love with? What if I told you it’s you?”
Jack froze. Yeah, sure. As if he could compete with Mister Perfect. What was that? Daniel’s revenge for his reaction? Well, he had gone right to the jugular; he had to give him that.
“I'd say it isn’t funny.” The general sent daggers to the archaeologist.
“That’s what I thought.”
Daniel swallowed hard to stop the tears. He wouldn’t give Jack the satisfaction of seeing him fall apart, although it was probably too late for that. He climbed the steps to the porch in haste, got into the house, and made a beeline to the spare room. One minute later, he was abandoning the house, leaving his shattered heart behind.
***
Jack hadn’t been able to move a muscle since the archaeologist got into the house, so he heard the front door slamming shut from where he stood in the backyard. So that was it, the end of his wildest dream, the burial of the deepest friendship he had ever had. How did that happen? One minute he was getting lost in Daniel’s arms and the next… Oh, God, oh, God. He would never again feel the exhilaration of having the archaeologist's body clinging to his own. He would be lucky if Daniel talked to him again.
Jack’s stomach churned. He was going to be sick. The general rushed towards the bathroom, bent over the toilet, and emptied the contents of his stomach. The agony in his gut was nothing compared to the feeling of emptiness in his chest. How did they get there? He couldn’t even fully understand what happened. All he knew was that Daniel had left, carrying his heart and half his soul with him.
Jack moved like the zombie he had become toward the sink. He brushed his teeth and washed his face. What to do now? Whiskey seemed a good option.
He was ready to get out of the bathroom when something caught his attention: a piece of cloth hanging from the laundry basket. Oh, God. It was Daniel’s shirt, the one he was wearing when he arrived. Jack grabbed it with shaking hands and squeezed it against his chest. He brought it to his nose and sniffed. Daniel’s scent surrounded him. Maybe… maybe he just imagined everything. Maybe Daniel didn’t leave, after all. Maybe… maybe he was in his room, cooling down, or reading. Daniel loved books. They helped him relax. Maybe… maybe there was still a chance to fix things.
Jack sprinted towards the spare room and yanked open the door. As expected, Daniel wasn’t there. He hadn’t imagined anything. Daniel had confessed he was in love with Davis, he had overreacted, the archaeologist had gotten pissed, and had left.
The general sat on the edge of the bed, curled up into a ball around Daniel’s shirt, and wept.
A new thunder, louder this time, startled the general. He opened his eyes, and at that moment, he saw something on the bed. It was a piece of paper with something handwritten on it, or rather two, two matching parts of the same sheet. Whatever it was, Daniel had split it in two.
Out of curiosity, Jack grabbed the two pieces and realized it was a photo, and the handwriting was definitely Daniel’s. Jack put the two parts together and read.
I'm like that fish
in love with a bird
wishing I could fly.
Well, Davis was a pilot. That explained Daniel’s words. What it didn’t explain was why the archaeologist had split the photo in two and had tossed it onto the bed before leaving. Jack flipped the two pieces of paper and his heart leaped to his mouth. Instead of looking at Paul Bastard Davis, the general found himself looking at…
Himself.
It was the picture of him and Daniel that Carter took during the Christmas party the year Daniel descended.
I'm like that fish
in love with a bird
wishing I could fly.
OhGodohGodohGod! This… this couldn’t be! Daniel said…
What if I told you it isn’t Davis who I'm in love with? What if I told you it’s you?
OhGodohGodohGod! Daniel never confirmed it was Davis! He said nothing, so he had just assumed… oh, shit!
Jack was shaking from head to toe. Was it possible…? Oh shit, shit! Daniel loved him? Of all people? Him?
I'd say it isn’t funny.
That’s what I thought.
Oh, God! No! As incredible as it sounded, Daniel confessed his feelings, and he thought he was mocking him! Fuck, fuck! He needed to find him! He needed to fix this!
Jack rushed out of the house and two seconds later, he was starting his car.
The thing was that there were two ways out of the residential area, so Daniel could have gone in either direction. Jack chose the most plausible option and stepped on the pedal. How much time had passed since he heard the front door? Four? Five minutes? Daniel couldn’t be too far unless he had caught a cab. No, no. Even if he called a cab, it wasn’t possible that it had arrived yet. Besides, he would be standing nearby waiting for it, but the archaeologist was nowhere in sight. Jack continued driving. Another thunder resounded over his head. Fuck. He had to find Daniel, preferably before it started to rain.
***
The sports bag felt heavy on Daniel’s shoulder. Not that he carried a lot of stuff, but his argument with Jack had left him without energy. Why did he have to open his big mouth, dammit? He could have played Sha’re’s card and Jack would still be part of his life. Although, would it have been fair? Their friendship had been based on a lie. It was meant to explode on his face sooner or later. He deserved nothing else.
The archaeologist realized he had nowhere to go. The only friend he had in Washington was Paul Davis, but after what happened with Jack, going to see the major didn’t seem the brightest idea. No, the best option would be to go back to Colorado right away. Maybe if he buried himself in his work, he would be able to forget about Jack and maybe, just maybe, he would be able to function normally someday.
Huh, who was he trying to fool? He just left his shattered heart and half of his soul in Jack’s house. He would never function normally again. In any case, he couldn’t stay there just wandering around. He'd go to the airport and would catch the first available flight. He didn’t even care about the destination as long as it was far from Washington. He had two weeks of downtime. He'd use that time to ponder what to do with the rest of his life, a life without Jack. God, the simple idea was inconceivable. A sob escaped his mouth. Everything hurt.
A thunder resounded over Daniel’s head. It was getting late, and the storm was approaching. The archaeologist saw a small park nearby and headed towards it. He sat on a bench, grabbed his phone with shaking hands, called a cab, and waited.
***
Jack tossed his cell phone to the passenger seat, frustrated. He had tried to call Daniel, even knowing it was unlikely that he'd pick up the call, but all he got was a busy signal.
The general reached an intersection and stopped, not sure where to go. He saw an old woman walking a dog and called her.
“Excuse me! Have you seen a man carrying a sports bag?” He asked anxiously. “A tall guy, fit, good-looking. He wears glasses.”
“I saw a couple of men like the one you described, but none of them was wearing glasses,” she said.
Dammit, Jack thought. They were probably customers of the gym at the end of the street. In any case, it looked like Daniel hadn’t gone in that direction, so Jack thanked her, turned left, and sped up.
***
Daniel saw the cab approaching and abandoned the bench. He hailed the car with his hand, and it halted next to him. So that was final. Once he got into that cab, he would leave Jack behind forever. God, this couldn’t be. How was he going to go on without his friendship? Suddenly, the archaeologist felt terribly alone. The Hammond would be ready soon and Sam would leave to take command of the ship, Teal’c had been talking lately about rejoining the Jaffa cause, Vala was gone, and Mitchell, well, he wasn’t Jack and he’d never be. Maybe he should quit the program altogether and join the most remote dig he could find and forget that he had a chosen family once.
The devastated archaeologist opened the door like an automat and tossed his sports bag on the back seat. He accommodated his lifeless body in the car and gave the driver the direction.
“To the airport.”
***
Jack had been driving in circles, getting increasingly frustrated when he finally spotted Daniel just the moment a cab pulled in next to him. The general saw from the distance how the archaeologist got into the car and the vehicle sped away. Fuck, fuck, fuck! Who put that stupid traffic light on the way?!
When the light finally changed to green, the cab was nowhere in sight.
“Danny, where are you, dammit?!”
Jack stepped on the pedal and some god heard his prayers because he spotted the cab heading towards the highway. Daniel was likely going back to the airport.
The traffic was intense and Jack couldn’t get closer, so he followed the cab from the distance. There was only one way to the airport from there, so he couldn’t miss it. Sooner or later, he would be able to approach the other car and warn Daniel of his presence. In the meantime, the general grabbed his phone and tried it again.
***
Daniel couldn’t take Jack’s expression out of his head. God, the way the general had glared at him… hypocrite bastard. He said he wasn’t disgusted until…
What if I told you it isn’t Davis who I'm in love with? What if I told you it’s you?
A new pang of pain shook the archaeologist’s body.
He thought about those times he had sensed a glimpse of hope: Jack hugging him after he escaped Klorel's ship, looking at him when the knowledge of the Ancients downloaded into the older man’s brain, giving him company when Ma'chello's bugs infested him, and so many other times… Stupid, stupid, stupid!
The sound of an incoming call started the archaeologist. He checked his cell phone. It was Jack. His stomach flip-plopped. Why was the general calling him? To rub salt in the wound? Daniel didn’t want to hear again how disgusted the general was about his feelings, so he cut the call and turned off the phone. Maybe he would find a seat on a flight to Europe or Asia. Would that be far enough?
***
Jack cursed the phone for the second time. Daniel wouldn’t be able to ignore him at the airport. A few more minutes and he would be able to say what he had to say. What Jack didn’t expect was what happened next.
Suddenly, the cab made a sharp turn and abandoned the highway. What was left of Jack’s heart sank. The traffic conditions didn’t allow him to take the same exit without endangering the other drivers, so he had no option but to continue straight ahead.
“No, no, no!!!” the general yelled out, seeing his hope fading away. “Fuck! Fuck!!!”
If Daniel wasn’t going to the airport, then Jack had no idea where he was heading. At this point, it was like finding a needle in a haystack. The general's only option was to call the younger man again and pray that he answered the phone this time.
Jack dialed.
The number you have called is not available. Please try again later.
“Fuck! Fuck!!!”
Jack threw the phone against the passenger seat. It bounced and landed on the floor. The general was left with no options. Dammit! At this point, the only thing he could do was to let Daniel cool down and try to call him later, or even better, the next day. If he still refused to answer, he would catch the first flight to Colorado to talk to him face to face. Together with Charlie, the archaeologist was the best thing that ever happened to him. No way he was going to give up on him.
But what if the archaeologist had other plans than going back home? Daniel was all passion. If he really was in love with him, then he had likely poured all his heart on it. When Sha're died, the archaeologist almost quit the program. Only the promise to find Shifu kept him going. What reasons did he have now? SG-1 would be history soon. Carter would leave to take command of the Hammond, Teal’c would likely rejoin the Jaffa politics, Vala was dead, and Mitchell… well, Jack knew Daniel’s friendship with the colonel wasn’t enough for him to stay. Then what? What if he joined some remote dig and couldn’t find him? Jack panicked. Oh God, no, no! He needed to find him, tell him he loved him, too! What to do? What to do?!
For the time being, drinking his sorrows away looked like a good option. Maybe he'd see things clearer in the morning.
Heartbroken, Jack took the next exit and drove back home, the thunders giving voice to the storm in his soul. He drove on autopilot and pulled in on the driveway without even looking around in case some neighbor spotted him and felt like chatting. He wanted to see no one. The only person he wanted to talk to was Daniel. He didn’t care about anyone else. But Daniel wasn’t there, and his absence felt like an iron fist squeezing his chest. Funny. It looked like it was causing him delusions as well, because his brain formed an imaginary Daniel that came walking from behind the house. Ghost Daniel froze and talked.
“I, uh… I forgot my glasses on the back porch,” he said as he showed the item in his hand.
Jack blinked. A new thunder resounded, taking the general out of his daze.
“Daniel…” he breathed, not truly believing his eyes.
The archaeologist put on his glasses, bowed his head, and walked past Jack, who kept staring at him, mouth agape. The general turned around and it was then that he saw the cab parked next to his house. So not a delusion. So that was the reason Daniel left the highway, to return here for his glasses. Jack’s brain eventually put the pieces together and reacted.
“Daniel, wait!”
The archaeologist shook his head and kept walking. God, why did he come back? It was just a stupid pair of glasses. He could have got a new pair anywhere.
But a tiny remaining piece of his heart knew the answer. Jack chose that particular pair for him a couple of years ago. Or maybe it was nothing but an excuse to see Jack one last time, even if it was through a window. He never expected to find him outside, much less talk to him again.
“Daniel, please!” Jack chased after him. “I went after you, but I lost you and you didn’t answer my calls!”
The archaeologist stopped and turned his head. Jack went after him? Why would he do that?
“I'm leaving Jack,” he replied, devastated, “and there’s nothing you can say to stop me.”
“Yes, yes, there is!” the general exclaimed anxiously. “Please, hear me out! Before, in the backyard, I thought you were mocking me!”
The archaeologist spun around, his face contorted in a mixture of anger and pain.
“Do you really think I'd tease you with something like that?”
“I know, I'm sorry,” Jack apologized. “But what you said, I mean, I'm old, Daniel, nothing but a scarred warhorse, and you… I mean… I couldn’t believe that you… but then I saw the pic, and what you wrote in the back, and I… is it true, Danny? What you said? That you… that you love me?”
“I did for years,” Daniel said, his voice trembling, “but now all I want to do is to forget about you.”
“God, Daniel, I'm so sorry I fucked it up. I… God, I know you might not believe me, but you need to know the truth. See, Daniel, the thing is that I… I love you, too.”
The archaeologist felt as if he had been punched in the gut. His face scrunched further.
“What’s wrong with you?” He said in anger. “You never were that cruel. God, I was right. You only wanted to rub salt in the wound!”
“What?! No! I swear it’s true. Please, Daniel, you’ve got to believe me!”
“How can I, after the way you reacted before?”
“You’re right. I acted like an idiot!” Jack admitted. “I got jealous! The idea of you loving another man was unbearable! I… I went crazy!”
Daniel shook his head. That was not possible. Jack was straight. He had never given any hint that he might be interested in men. And even if he was bisexual, no way he had fallen in love with someone like him, a geek as Jack used to call him.
Jack realized it wouldn’t be easy to convince Daniel only with his words. He needed something more.
“Daniel, please, let me prove it to you,” Jack implored. “Let me show you something. If you still want to leave after that, I won’t try to stop you, I swear!”
The archaeologist heard the despair in Jack’s voice. If there was a tiny little chance that he was telling the truth, as unbelievable as it sounded… Jack had always been an honorable man. That was one of the things he loved the most about him. At risk of smashing what was left of his soul, Daniel talked.
“I'll be free to leave?”
“I promise,” Jack replied. “Although I hope you'll choose to stay.”
“Ok. Ok,” Daniel whispered his agreement.
“Oh, thank God,” Jack sighed in relief. “Please, don’t move an inch! I'll be right back!”
And with that, the general rushed into the house and to his bedroom. He opened the nightstand drawer and grabbed the piece of paper he kept there. He sprinted outside, brandishing the sheet. He stood in front of Daniel and offered it to him, his heart beating one thousand miles per hour, sweat springing from every one of his pores.
Daniel looked at the piece of paper and realized how badly Jack’s hand was shaking. Then he looked at the general's face and those pleading eyes… there was so much fear in them. Daniel couldn’t stand to see the man he loved suffering like that.
“What’s this?” he asked.
“A letter,” Jack said. “A letter I wrote years ago and never had the guts to give you.”
Daniels frowned in confusion. The general unfolded the sheet. The archaeologist recognized the older man’s handwriting.
“Please, Daniel. You know that I could have never written that in five minutes.”
Jack was right. It was a long letter. Whatever it was, the general didn’t write it after his confession.
Daniel decided he had nothing to lose, so he reached out a trembling hand, grabbed the letter, and read.
You don’t know just how special you are, Daniel. You are that one in a billion souls, the one that has to make it, no matter what.
Daniel looked at Jack questioningly. A new thunder sounded. The general made a sign with his hand, urging the archaeologist to go on reading. The blue-eyed hesitated for a moment and focused on the letter again. Jack held his breath.
You have a way with people, a way to always cut through the shit, right to the heart of a person. Not to mention you are smarter than any human has the right to be, and have saved our collective asses more times than I care to count. I am constantly amazed at your capacity to love, and feel, and empathize with all beings. You make others want to be better just from a glimpse into your heart that you so bravely wear on your sleeve. You continually helped me see other viewpoints, and see the Galaxy through your hope-filled eyes. I gotta tell you, Danny, it can be a beautiful thing when I let myself look. You understand why I had to keep the hard-ass colonel persona upfront, right? Please tell me you understand that. I had to keep you safe, the team safe. I couldn’t allow the luxury of letting down my walls. I had to let you be that person, and I’m so sorry it took me so long to let it drop, as many times as I did.
A drop of rain fell on the piece of paper. Daniel brushed it away with his finger and continued reading.
You are the type of person born to teach others how to open their hearts and minds for the betterment of all. It was so very hard at times to hide the sheer pride I felt that YOU were the best friend I had on this or any other planet. Dr. Daniel Jackson, the smartest man in the galaxy, the biggest heart, the largest capacity to love, and forgive, and persevere- MY best friend, and teammate! What a lucky bastard I’ve been!
Jack… Jack was proud of being his friend? Daniel felt a flutter in his chest. It was a heartbeat. More raindrops fell on the letter and blurred some words. The archaeologist went on reading.
You have known so much heartache and loss. You amaze me with your capacity to deal with whatever shitty thing life has thrown at you, with humility, grace, forgiveness, and hope for better times ahead. You have not let your heart harden, your outlook dim, your hope wain or your mind stop reaching for answers.
I would’ve liked nothing more than to give you every single thing your heart desired. To see you smile that genuine, 1,000-watt smile, to know that I was able to give you the happiness you so deserve, but never seem to get, would’ve been my greatest achievement in this life. You see, the thing is, I love you, Daniel. I’ve always loved you. From the moment my eyes caught sight of your gorgeous baby blues, I was done for. Somewhere along the line, my heart was pulled into the gravity well that is Dr. Daniel Jackson, and I wouldn’t have had it any other way.
Daniel froze. Oh, God. Jack had been honest?
“It’s all true, Daniel,” Jack whispered. “Every word.”
The archaeologist blinked. Did he really inspire all those feelings in Jack? The rain stained his glasses, making it impossible for him to see, so he removed them. A flash of lightning lit up the sky. Another thunder sounded just over their heads and soon both men found themselves under a downpour. The water blurred the letter, but the archaeologist continued reading, anyway.
It has been my greatest honor to know you and cherish all that you are. You are the reason I’ve gotten up every morning and kept fighting. It was all for you, Danny. All of it. I would’ve done anything to keep that light in your eyes from fading. It kept me warm in my darkest times, lifted me up when I couldn’t see the way forward, made me feel like this life WAS worth living, even knowing I’d spend every night alone, in my bed, yearning for you. Just to have you in my life was enough. I couldn’t lose that. Lose you.
There were times when I couldn’t breathe when I looked at you. You literally took my breath away. You are beautiful, Daniel. Your heart, your soul, and the perfect body it’s all wrapped up in-absolutely, fucking beautiful.
The rain eventually turned the words into an illegible mess. Daniel’s mind wasn’t doing much better. His eyes welled with tears, but it was hard to see it as both he and Jack were drenched from head to toe, although they didn’t seem to notice. The archaeologist raised his head and looked at the general, who was again holding his breath.
“The rain… it ruined it,” Daniel said. “I can’t… I can’t read the rest.”
“It’s ok,” Jack smiled softly with revived hope. “I know it by heart.”
“You… you do?” Daniel blinked again.
“I've read it every single night for the last seven years, wondering if I should give it to you.”
“Seven… years?”
“Please understand why I kept this to myself,” Jack recited. “I couldn’t let you know how I felt because I didn’t want to lose our friendship. You mean everything to me, and I just couldn’t lose you. I didn’t want you to feel uncomfortable, or feel like you owed it to me to act like it wouldn’t bother you to know your best friend was hopelessly in love with you.”
“In love…” Daniel sniffled.
“It was so difficult at times because my whole body and mind ached to hold you in my arms,” Jack continued. “You’re probably in shock reading this. Yes, your badass, snarky colonel cried himself to sleep for want of you, all of you. As much as it hurt, I’d do it over and over again, without a second thought. It has been the true honor of my life to be the protector of your body and mind for all these years. What I wouldn’t have given to be the protector of your heart, as well. I kept going long after I should’ve retired because I trusted NO one else to keep you safe. Danny, the universe needs you, even more than this old colonel can claim.”
“In… in love?” Daniel repeated, as a question this time, his voice loaded with emotion.
“Head over heels,” Jack confirmed. “Madly, totally, absolutely, completely in love with you.”
“When did you write that?” the archaeologist asked, still not daring to fully believe Jack’s confession.
“Just after the incident with Reese,” Jack said.
“What?” Daniel said in shock. “But… but you hated me by then.”
“No, Danny.” Jack shook his head. “I was mad, yes, because to me, your life is the most precious thing in the universe and you didn’t seem to give a damn about it, but I could never hate you, not in a million years. However, it looks like some superior power held a grudge against me because then you... you died, and I…” his face scrunched at the memory. “I almost told you when you descended, but I couldn’t risk our friendship. God, I was an idiot, but I was afraid to lose you for good. So, so afraid.”
“Your words,” the archaeologist sniffled, "everything you said about me… do you really see that in me?”
“And I fell short,” Jack nodded.
“But… I'm just… me.”
“And I'm just me,” the older man shrugged, “but you love me, anyway.”
“Oh, for God’s sake! Will you two kiss already?!”
The voice startled both men. They had totally forgotten about the cab. They looked inside and saw the driver looking at them with tears in her eyes.
“That sounds like a good idea,” Jack grinned.
He took a step forward, his eyes glued to Daniel’s. Suddenly, time seemed to slow to a crawl. Even the raindrops seemed to be falling in slow motion. Jack moved closer, never dropping eye contact. He stepped into Daniel’s space with such purpose and gentleness that it took the archaeologist’s breath away. The look… The look on the general’s face said it all, as if he didn’t just tell Daniel he loved him, out loud, on purpose, and with the truthfulness the younger man had been aching to hear for so long.
Soft chocolate eyes stared into blue pools as he leaned forward, ever so slowly, cupping Daniel’s face with his wonderfully long fingers that made the younger man lose all space and time accept them, there, under the rain in Jack’s front yard. An inch from his lips, Daniel felt Jack’s warm breath, as he uttered those words again, with the most beautiful whisper,
“I love you, Danny. I’m sorry it took me so long to say it.”
Rivulets of water rolled down both men's faces. Drops clung to their eyelashes, but they showed no concern. A slight tilt of Jack’s head, and he moved in the last inch and placed his lips on the younger man. So gentle. Daniel felt as if he finally knew Jack’s heart. Overwhelmed by the moment, he felt tears well up in his eyes. This was heaven. That was all he could think. The cab crashed on the highway. I’ve died, and this is heaven.
As Jack began to caress Daniel’s lips with his, the archaeologist finally caught up, and pulled the general to him with one hand buried in his gorgeous silver strands, and one around his waist. Jack let out a soft moan. Or maybe it was Daniel, or both of them. Who cared? It was incredibly loving and sexy as hell.
“Oh hell yes”, barely audible, escaped Jack’s lips.
He opened his mouth enough to lick a long swipe against Daniel’s closed lips with a sinfully soft, flat tongue. As the archaeologist opened for him, the older man spun him around with strong arms and walked him back to the front porch.
“The rain,” Jack explained.
“What?”
“It didn't allow me to savor you completely.”
New bolts of lightning lit the sky as a loud thunder subscribed Jack’s words.
“Maybe… maybe we should go inside,” Daniel breathed.
“Does it mean you’re staying?” Jack asked, his heart full of hope.
“That means I'm willing to hear the rest of it,” Daniel replied.
Jack grinned.
“Be right back,” he said.
He ran under the rain toward the cab and grabbed Daniel’s bag from the back seat. The general opened his wallet, but the driver stopped him.
“This one is on me,” she grinned. “Consider it a future wedding gift.”
“Wedding?” Jack raised his eyebrows.
“I recognize real chemistry when I see it,” she winked at him.
Jack smiled back at her and saluted. She returned the gesture and drove away. Jack sprinted to join Daniel on the porch. He took his hand, and they rushed to the house.
Once inside, they took off their shoes. Jack abandoned the sports bag on the floor and the archaeologist leaned against the entrance wall.
“You’re soaked,” Jack observed.
“So are you.” Daniel licked his lips.
They both removed their t-shirts and Jack leaned flush against the archaeologist. The instant their bare torsos connected, a surge of energy pulsed through both men’s bodies. God, the sensation was incredible.
Daniel felt Jack’s need against his. Oh God, Jack. Daniel had several partners before, but that was entirely new. So unguarded, so much love pouring out of both of them. All the walls had finally crumbled. All that was left was the two of them, their love, and their need to share it with each other. Jack was making love to Daniel’s mouth, with gliding, probing strokes of his tongue. His hands felt as if they were everywhere at once, as he put just the right amount of pressure with his body to hold the younger man in place and fuel his need for more of him. All of him.
Daniel felt a heartbeat, and another, and another, until he felt his heart was fully restored and running wild. He had no idea that kissing Jack could be like this. He was showing him passion like no other, heated, intense, erotic, and needy. This… this was pure love.
They continued to map each other's mouths, moaning into the kiss, grinding themselves against one another. God, Jack was an incredible kisser. So, so intense, yet somehow achingly beautiful. Was he saving this kiss on purpose, or had his confession of love made it possible for him to lose himself in it? Daniel didn’t much care if that was what was in store for him from now on.
As the need for air arose, they broke away with several soft kisses to their top and bottom lips.
Kissing Daniel had been more amazing than Jack had ever dared to imagine. His heart was pounding fast, his soul dancing with joy. God, he could feed himself with Daniel’s lips for the rest of his life.
The general’s hands returned to the archaeologist’s face, with gentle pressure along his cheekbones. As he found moisture there, he placed the softest of kisses on Daniel’s face before looking at him with such devotion that the younger man thought he might actually die.
“Those aren’t raindrops, are they?” Jack asked in a slightly shaky voice.
The gentleness in the general’s tone made tears flow faster.
“No, they’re not,” Daniel shook his head.
Jack swiped the moisture away with his thumbs.
“Tears of happiness, I hope.”
Daniel bit his lower lips and nodded.
“So, do you believe me now?”
“You… you love me,” Daniel said with emotion. “You really love me.”
“Yes, I do. With all my heart and soul,” Jack replied in a matching tone.
“I… I love you, too.”
“I know.”
Daniel shuddered and next, he sneezed loudly. Jack laughed.
“And there he is, ladies and gentlemen, the sneeze geek I fell in love with.”
“Hey, I had already gotten rid of my allergies when you fell for me,” Daniel sniffled.
“No, baby.” Jack cupped his jaw. “Did you skip that part? You had already gotten rid of your allergies when I wrote the letter, but I fell in love with you way before that.”
“How… how long before?” Daniel swallowed.
“Uh… Ra?” Jack said apologetically. “I'm sorry. I don’t pretend to make you feel uncomfortable. I mean, Sha're… No matter how I felt, I would have died to bring her back to you. Please, tell me you know that.”
“I do,” Daniel nodded. “But you should know that, uh… I fell in love with you during our first mission, too.”
“What?” Jack stared at the archaeologist in shock. “But you… you chose to stay on Abydos with… with her.”
“You were married, not to mention military, so there was nothing for me on Earth,” Daniel wrinkled his nose. “Don’t get me wrong, Sha’re was wonderful, and I learned to love her, just… differently, but there wasn’t a single night I didn’t think about you.”
“Are you telling me we've been loving each other in silence for thirteen years?” Jack raised his eyebrows.
“Apparently,” Daniel let out something between a laugh and a sob.
“What a waste of time,” Jack said in dismay.
“Not really,” Daniel smiled. “If you think about it, except for the sex, it was all there.”
“Then we should compensate for that part.” Jack grinned, his eyes bright with desire.
“And we'll do it, flyboy,” Daniel said, his blue pools sparkling as well, “because I'm not going anywhere.”
And with that, Daniel grabbed his sports bag and headed to the bedrooms area, Jack following him close. The archaeologist stood in front of the main bedroom and made a silent question with his eyes.
With no hesitation, Jack opened the door.
The end